EIGHT YEARS AND COUNTING

A Chapbook of Parenting in the Age of Twitter

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My daughter was born on January 3rd, 2005. I joined Twitter on March 28th, 2007.

My son was born on December 15th, 2007.

18 Dec 2007

3 day old sleeping. 3 year old buzzing around like a hummingbird on crack after eating entire candy

cane. Thanks, grandma and grandpa.

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2008

12 Jan 2008

16 three year olds, 20 parents, six bottles of wine, three infants, one vomit-related incident. A good time was had by all.

16 Jan 2008

A friend gave us a picture book of the Prague Golem story. G is fascinated, but that's one fucked up story to explain to a 3 year old.

27 Jan 2008

Wife and I went to Iceland sharing one small bag. Now 3 days at my parents and we've filled a station wagon. Parenting is an equipment s

27 Jan 2008

Damn it: that was "parenting is an equipment sport."

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30 Jan 2008

3yo, as I say goodbye: “quiet, daddy, Elmo is making a point.”

31 Jan 2008

At breakfast, 3yo wanted to know where we kept the robot parts, so she could build a robot. I couldn't be more proud.

9 Feb 2008

3yo stopped dead in the grocery store bread isle and pointed at the Wonder bread: "WOW! That looks EXCITING!" Some designer gets a bonus.

17 Feb 2008

Love my daughter, but really, really miss sleeping later that 6:15am on weekends.

18 Feb 2008

Two month old just fell asleep in the middle of round three of our burping contest. I'm giving myself a win by default.

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23 Feb 2008

3yo weather report: scattered hissy fits in the AM, with periods of total meltdown expected later in the day.

23 Feb 2008

Damn 3yo jedi mind tricks: I lost the "is it snowing inside" argument this afternoon, and just realized I've been wearing a tiara for hours.

28 Feb 2008

3yo planning next year's halloween costume: she wants to go as Santa. I love this kid.

2 Mar 2008

Brought 3yo to visit my parents. Getting ready to visit someplace called "Giggleberry Fair," god help me.

5 Mar 2008

Sleeping 3yo shrieks for mommy. Wife runs into her bedroom. Bedroom door opens again, cat comes flying out.

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9 Mar 2008

Feeding 3mo son a bottle with one hand and drinking a Guiness with the other, while humming "circle of life."

10 Mar 2008

I suspect that Dippin Dots are actually easter bunny droppings. Not sure when I should let the 3yo in on the secret.

22 Mar 2008

Heading over to Pratt to set up easter egg hunt. The eggs w/candy in them are for the 3yos, the ones with crystal meth for the art students.

30 Mar 2008

3yo asks "what do you get when you dip your paintbrush in happy *and* sad?" Maybe the art student babysitter isn't such a great idea.

3 Apr 2008

3 month old's bouncy seat plays a wonderful selection of Bach on toy piano. We like to call it "the soundtrack of neglect."

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5 April 2008

3yo wanted to know whether there were cookie cutters shaped like penises. I had to admit that the answer is almost certainly "yes."

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23 Apr 2008

3yo singing and "typing" on an open book, looks up and says "you have to have music when you're working on your computer." Guess she's mine.

28 Apr 2008

Cat lies down on 4 month old sitting in bouncy seat. 4 month old promptly grabs cat's head and crams it into his mouth. Everybody's happy.

12 May 2008

3yo holds yoga classes for her stuffed animals when she can't sleep. I'm trying not to take that as commentary on our family's lifestyle.

3 Jun 2008

[8:45pm] 3yo: "My bottom itches!" 36yo: "Go to sleep." [8:50pm] 3yo: "My bottom itches!" 36yo: "Sleep!" [9:00pm] 3yo: "My finger is stinky!"

4 Jun 2008

Just told 5 month old that any day that you don't have to wear pants is a good day. That pretty much exhausts my store of paternal wisdom.

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7 Jun 2008

3yo and mother-in-law arguing about who ate the last cookie. Think it might be time for a beer.

8 Jun 2008

3yo to mother-in-law: "are you old like you had a birthday or old like you're going to die soon?"

11 Jun 2008

3yo: “My finger hurts!” 36yo: “Which?” 3yo: “This one!” I'd figured I had until 14 or 15 before my daughter gave me the finger. Live and learn.

22 Jun 2008

Things the 3yo has been tired of so far: being in car, on airtrain, in line, in airport, walking, standing, being quiet.

5 Jul 2008

Symbiosis: friends w/o children find 3yo's games "refreshing." Wife & I find uninterrupted meal, drinks, and conversation "refreshing."

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12 Jul 2008

Things I never thought I'd hear my wife say to our 3yo daughter: "which dress would you like to wear to the beer pong tournament, sweetie?"

18 Jul 2008

3 1/2yo, this morning: "Daddy, why don't you wear a tie to work?" Me: "Good career decisions." And who the hell told her about ties, anyway?

3 Aug 2008

3 1/2yo went to church for the first time today. My mom, who took her, didn't blink when she wanted to bring "My First Channukah" w/her.

4 Aug 2008

I am informed that "Cocaine" is an "inappropriate" lullaby. That I was singing JJ Cale rather than Clapton is apparently not relevant.

16 Aug 2008

3 1/2yo made kitty mask for herself, now has decided that cat needs to wear a people mask. Going to watch how this one unfolds...

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1 Sep 2008

Parties at 37yo: I can still get drunk if I want, but 4yo is responsible for falling down and punching people, which takes the pressure off.

2 Sep 2008

So it's a normal part of being a parent to sometimes feel that you're fucking up your child, right? I'm, um, asking for a friend, of course.

6 Sep 2008

Band of Horses' Cease to Begin gets 9mo's "flap and squawk" seal of approval.

21 Sep 2008

Asobi Seksu on the stereo, 4yo demanding leftover spaghetti carbonara for breakfast. Average Sunday.

21 Sep 2008

4yo's first knock knock joke, Nathan's, Coney Island: "knock knock." "Who's there?" "HIM!" [Points at 6'5" biker at the next table.]

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28 Sep 2008

Yesterday, me to 4yo: "that's a honking big polar bear you won! " Today, 4yo to me: "I named my polar bear Honky!"

8 Oct 2008

New laptop problem: 4yo hasn't pulled the right shift key off of this one, right hand pinky actually has something to do now. Weird.

16 Oct 2008

Giant rolls of paper as art supplies for 4yo. Pro: fostering creativity. Con: came home to a 26 foot long drawing. That she wants to keep.

18 Oct 2008

10mo teething or something...by which I mean "I got about two and a half hours of broken sleep last night." Zombie pancake making.

19 Oct 2008

Parenting update: 10mo's Great Poop Strike of 2008 ended today. Kind of a mixed blessing.

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22 Oct 2008

I am absolutely certain that this kid will sleep for more than an hour at a time again before he's 18. I'm less certain exactly when.

25 Oct 2008

Need some sort of quarantine/containment facility: 4yo has been playing with glitter.

29 Oct 2008

Still converting stroller into fairy castle. Just paper-mached my hand to a beer, but it's still going to end up pretty damn cool.

30 Oct 2008

Little known fact: the 32nd most common reason for divorce in the US is conflict regarding the design and construction of fairy castles.

2 Nov 2008

4yo telling a story in which she's "Minnie Mouse Munchkin from Narnia." Expect that MPAA lawyers will be breaking the door down shortly.

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7 Nov 2008

As I wait for the coffee to finish, 4yo instructs me to call her "Minnie Mouse Tutu Thumbellina Dorothy Rachel Munchkin." Huh.

10 Nov 2008

The sad economics of adulthood: the tickets for the concert we went to on Saturday cost less than the associated babysitting.

5 Dec 2008

Bedtime discussion: 4yo was skeptical about the existence of pants other than jeans and sweatpants. Clearly, we've been raising her right.

6 Dec 2008

Note to self: when 4yo says "stop tickling me!" you stop tickling. Also: buy laundry detergent.

13 Dec 2008

4yo just referred to her tricycle as her "fixie." Perhaps it's time to change babysitters.

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13 Dec 2008

4yo doesn't see the irony in having destroyed her block tower while defending it from the cat; opts for screaming as I try to explain irony.

20 Dec 2008

Definite second child syndrome: 1yo's bday is three neighborhood friends for brunch. Also: three 4yos somehow make as much noise as 20.

21 Dec 2008

Neither regular babysitter can cover Saturday PM, because both have appts at the tattoo parlor. Issues in contemporary parenting.

25 Dec 2008

Discussing exactly how big a price tag a Santa bailout would have. 4yos not particularly amused.

26 Dec 2008

Lunchtime: "Mommy, can you wash my chopsticks?" "Why?" "Because they went up my nose."

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27 Dec 2008

Sister and brother in law drove off w/4yo’s bag of presents. Already called "not it" on telling her about it.

31 Dec 2008

4yo sitting on the floor, chanting "...freedom...freedom..." over and over. I fear that the revolution is coming.

2009

3 Jan 2009

Gearing up for 4yo's birthday party. Only 15 kids, so the house may still be standing at the end of the day. Also: buying wine now.

3 Jan 2009

Omitting from 4yo's birthday party playlist: Dalek's "Blessed Are They Who Bash Your Children's Heads Against A Rock."

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15 Jan 2009

Me: "What are you putting in your belly button?" 4yo: "My booger." I guess that was a teachable moment or something, but I came up empty.

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17 Jan 2009

Heading out to acquire the components for a croque monsieur lunch. Also: started calling sick 1yo "mister crusty." Nose like a horror movie.

17 Jan 2009

1yo unimpressed by jack-in-the-box. "Well, of course there's some weird little dude with a red hat hiding in there," he seems to say.

18 Jan 2009

4yo playing a game called "bike ride bike ride toe shoe bike ride." Which, oddly enough, involves neither a bike nor toe shoes.

25 Jan 2009

Went to sleep at noon, woke up just in time to put 4yo to bed. Disorienting.

27 Jan 2009

I've got a fever of 101, and 4yo's school just called to say she threw up. Looking like a fun evening ahead.

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28 Jan 2009

4yo came in to sing *me* a bedtime song. "Three little penguins in a jar, when we hatch, here we are." Sweet. Also: jarred penguin? Eech.

31 Jan 2009

Starting to find it suspicious that the 4yo *always* beats me at candyland.

7 Feb 2009

Think I've been spending too much time at the office: 4yo is hitting me w/the dreaded "don't you think you should ask mommy if it's okay?"

9 Feb 2009

You know, I kind of miss the middle-of-the-night feedings, in a way. Sleep deprivation gave an interesting flavor to the day.

10 Feb 2009

1yo was up at 4am. He's currently getting ready for his second nap of the day, while I am reading about star schemas and drooling.

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11 Feb 2009

4yo wants to know whether Batman is nice or mean. Not accepting "it's complicated" as an answer.

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12 Feb 2009

4yo is explaining the diff. between high, afternoon, and nursery teas. Apparently we've been sending her to school in Victorian England.

12 Feb 2009

1yo had healthy breakfast of a scrambled egg, blueberries, milk, and fistful of cat food. Think I lose parenting points for that last one.

12 Feb 2009

It's just the 4yo, her best friend, the 1yo and me. House is already starting to descend into chaos. Send help.

12 Feb 2009

4yo just asked whether it was better to have laws and agree or to hunt and kill. Becoming increasingly concerned.

12 Feb 2009

The horror, the horror... Also: dinnertime.

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19 Feb 2009

For any of you who might come by the house: 1yo's new nickname is "mister grab-ass." Forewarned is forearmed.

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28 Feb 2009

1yo refusing to nap, 4yo refusing to eat, mother in law arriving in about an hour. This should be awesome.

9 Mar 2009

Solo dinnertime: everybody thinks their kids are advanced, but the 4yo is rolling her eyes and sighing at me at 8th grade level, at least.

15 Mar 2009

4yo is at a sleepover w/her cousins, 1yo and wife are asleep. House is filled with whatever you call that thing that isn't total chaos.

16 Mar 2009

4yo is kind of obsessed with the fact that I infrequently (1) shave, or (2) wear a tie. My mother got used to it, so can the kid.

28 Mar 2009

4yo informs me that her doll is now named "Metaphor Baba." Frank Zappa, eat your heart out.

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2 Apr 2009

4yo made decorations today. They appear to be things shaped like easter eggs and paper smeared with what might be lamb's blood.

12 Apr 2009

Taking 1yo son to hardware store. Then we may cook with fire and burp competitively.

12 Apr 2009

So if 4yo uses her afikoman money to buy an easter bonnet, does that mean we're all going to hell?

22 Apr 2009

1.5yo has figured out zippers. He has unzipped his jammies to the waist and is walking around the house like a little Elvis with footies.

2 May 2009

4yo has created her first recipe: pasta with tomatoes, carrots, capers, and merguez. The secret is using both penne and "squiggly pasta."

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On May 9th, 2009, my father died. It was not unexpected, but that didn’t make it much easier. It’s still difficult for me to think that neither of my kids will really remember their grandfather.

10 May 2009

Mom playing badminton w/1 yos in the living room. All things considered, an okay-ish mothers' day.

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13 May 2009

4yo sobbing hysterically because she cannot alter reality through sheer force of will. Yet.

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18 May 2009

4yo doesn't want to go to school because she's "tired of doing what the teachers say." That's tough to argue with, actually.

18 May 2009

4yo freaks out about little brother wearing hand-me-down "girl jammies," but loves her (male) best friend's pink nail polish.

19 May 2009

Which is worse: arguing w/4yo about whether she's being cooperative, or the suspicion that I was rhetorically outmaneuvered in the process?

1 Jun 2009

Visiting mom: entered living room to find 1yo rubbing a stuffed teletubby against his crotch and my mother laughing hysterically.

4 Jun 2009

For every day that the 1yo now wakes up at 5:30am ready to play, I will wake him up at 5:30 when he is in high school. This is my vow.

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5 Jun 2009

Yes, why *would* one eat one's breakfast when one could be smearing banana on a cat, come to think of it?

6 Jun 2009

4yo putting on a show in the living room. She just instructed us to turn off our phones.

9 Jun 2009

Observing 1yo I conclude that cheerios that have been on the floor just taste better. Attention General Mills: "Floorios." (You're welcome.)

18 Jun 2009

Rainy day packing update: it would be wrong to just box the kids up until Saturday, wouldn't it? Even if I poked air holes and everything?

23 Jun 2009

Not to be all grinchy about it, but is it *really* necessary to hold "graduation parties" for kids who just completed pre-kindergarten?

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26 Jun 2009

Holy crap! In current "stuff piled on top of other stuff" setup, 1yo can reach stereo's volume knob. Please don't hate us yet, neighbors.

20 Jul 2009

1 1/2yo getting into full-body watercolor painting with Django Rheinhart accompaniment. And a toy car in his mouth. I think I'll keep him.

24 Jul 2009

What, exactly, is the evolutionary advantage of kids going through a stage where every meal ends up thrown across the room? Riddle me that.

31 Jul 2009

Parenting snapshot #4,816: "no, no, don't wipe your feet on the cat!"

1 Aug 2009

When it's bad enough that the 1yo admits that yes, he does need a diaper, that's when things have gotten interesting.

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10 Aug 2009

4 1/2yo skeptical of my stories of childhood hardship, but as god is my witness there *were no seedless watermelons* when I was growing up.

14 Aug 2009

I've made an effort to avoid cursing around the kids, so 1 1/2yo now says "DUDE!?!" when angry. That's what you call parenting skills, kids.

20 Aug 2009

1 1/2yo freaks out about having dirty hands, but will lie in order to remain sitting in his own excrement. Good luck, future.

25 Aug 2009

Adulthood, today's flavor: standing outside a restaurant, shouting "night-night, sweetie" into your cell phone without embarrassment.

28 Aug 2009

1 1/2yo sees grandmother eating a banana, asks for some in the politest way he can: "gama! bite me!"

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2 Sep 2009

I say it here in the hope that one of you will pay more attention than the 1 1/2yo did: please don't stick magic markers up your nose.

6 Sep 2009

4 1/2yo loves the smell of bourbon, wants it sprinkle it all around the house. Done.

8 Sep 2009

I really need to be getting out of the house, but Neil Patrick Harris is on Sesame Street right now.

8 Sep 2009

I am at home, holding two sparkly pink magic wands as the 4 1/2yo brushes her teeth.

8 Sep 2009

4 1/2yo does not sleep. Ever. She went to bed two hours ago. Still awake. Does. Not Sleep. Ever.

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11 Sep 2009

4 1/2yo normally speaks so clearly, and yet she seems to keep telling people that we're watching "Chickie Chickie Gang Bang" tonight.

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16 Sep 2009

4 1/2yo singing a charming song about hurrying up so we're not late for school. Also: not actually hurrying up.

16 Sep 2009

4 1/2yo: "I think you can learn a lot by taking apart a computer keyboard!" Me: "That's very true! Wait, what?"

19 Sep 2009

Turns out my children are part squirrel: house is filled with acorns. It hurts like hell to step on an acorn barefoot, by the by.

20 Sep 2009

4 1/2yo's favorite holiday? Mermaid Day. Ah, the children of Brooklyn.

4 Oct 2009

Apparently "because last time you bashed your head and cried" isn't sufficient reason to not do something for a second time.

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6 Oct 2009

Talking to my 1 /12yo son on the phone, I realize that he would flat out fail a Turing test.

16 Oct 2009

1 1/2yo still confuses up/down, on/off. He also didn't know that "keep your pants on" is just an expression. Sorry, Tiny Cup patrons.

16 Oct 2009

4 1/2yo ecstatic about being "allowed" to vacuum the living room. This will totally carry through her teenage years, right?

19 Oct 2009

1 1/2yo now points at french press, saying "caw-fee!" Next step: getting the early-rising little punk to actually *make* the coffee.

25 Oct 2009

1 1/2yo's thoughts on first seeing baboons at the prospect park zoo: "Want lick that. Please."

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26 Oct 2009

Grandma 1 leaving now, grandma 2 arrives this evening, halloween Saturday; kids should come down from the sugar high in mid-November.

30 Oct 2009

If the 4 1/2yo hasn't yet informed you that TOMORROW IS HALLOWEEEEEEEN!!! she will be contacting you shortly.

5 Nov 2009

4 1/2yo trying to force 1 1/2yo to limbo under a tape measure to Lifter Puller. Just another evening at home.

7 Nov 2009

An angry two year old sounds remarkably like a tiny little belligerent drunk.

14 Nov 2009

1 1/2yo, sitting on the sofa, unzips his pajamas, looks down, and sings out "I seeeee you, tummy!"

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20 Nov 2009

Home with the sick kids. The wife is out bowling. I feel like I should run upstairs to borrow a cup of sugar and a miltown from Trixie.

21 Nov 2009

Kids are both sniffling, oozing and coughing. Friends with two kids coming for the weekend. Toddler version of Outbreak, coming right up!

21 Nov 2009

4 1/2yo: *More* about snow?!? It's *too much,* Elmo!

22 Nov 2009

4 1/2yo informed that if you’re well enough to go to a party on Sun, you're well enough to go to school on Mon. She plans to appeal.

25 Nov 2009

4 1/2yo asked why we need so many bottles of wine for Thanksgiving. Help me out: something about the Pilgrims, right?

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5 Dec 2009

Heading to Brooklyn Bowl to pick up the first of the three 5yos that are being handed off to us for the afternoon. Outnumbered. Uh oh.

14 Dec 2009

The invitation to a 5yo's "drop off" birthday party includes the address of a nearby bar for the "parents' party."

18 Dec 2009

Angry 2yo just headbutted the cat. It's been that kind of day.

19 Dec 2009

5yo's first ballet recital today. Awaiting the arrival of two grandmothers bearing many, many cameras.

20 Dec 2009

Didn't get a picture of 2yo making out w/Mr. Potatohead.

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21 Dec 2009

Wife and 5yo sewing presents for friends and family. Little house on the prairie comes to Brooklyn.

26 Dec 2009

2yo nephew vomited while opening presents yesterday and locked himself in the bathroom today; totally upstaging 2yo son.

2010

3 Jan 2010

2yo figured out that he could climb on a chair and unlatch the art supplies closet. Oh, and he also figured out how to open the glue.

7 Jan 2010

The five minutes I just spent explaining paper checks to the 5yo feels like wasted time on a variety of levels.

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9 Jan 2010

In approximately six hours, 20+ 5yos show up at our house for a birthday party. Pray for us.

9 Jan 2010

At Bklyn children's museum. A mom calls "Sadie!" Four little girls turn around.

14 Jan 2010

75% of the household has been alternating between sleeping and throwing up for the past 24 hours. House is filled with awesome.

22 Jan 2010

2yo spent the day wandering around the house shouting "BIG IDEA!" every few minutes. Thinking about introducing him to some VCs.

22 Jan 2010

Oh, and before you ask, 2yo just muttered something about an NDA when I asked him what the BIG IDEA actually was.

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29 Jan 2010

5yo's first sleepover here and my wife is out with friends. Think I need a lawyer to handle these negotiations for me in the future.

29 Jan 2010

Did you know that the collective noun for mice is "a mischief?" In other news, bourbon is smoothing out the 5yo's sleepover party nicely.

2 Feb 2010

5yo and 2yo Walked Like Egyptians out the door, and I've been humming the song ever since. Apologies in advance to everyone I meet today.

5 Feb 2010

Me: do you need to go to the bathroom? 5yo: No. Me: Then why are you standing that way? 5yo, rolling eyes: *Because* I'm a ballet dancer.

7 Feb 2010

"My daughter is the one dressed all in pink" is not a helpful thing to say at an ice skating rink full of 5yo girls.

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21 Feb 2010

Storing up every time the 2yo says "it's byoo-ful!" in preparation for the "that's lame, dad" years.

22 Feb 2010

Only green thing that 5yo will happily eat is romanesco. I'm on the hunt for other weirdass-looking vegetables.

2 Mar 2010

2yo just licked the cat. Unsatisfactory experience all around, it appears.

13 Mar 2010

Me to 5yo: "No, you can't have any more chorizo and blue cheese until you eat some of your pizza." Lunch at out house is weird.

30 Mar 2010

Explaining the one drop to the 5yo. Next up: blast beat 101.

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3 Apr 2010

5yo just learned that there are pink marshmallow peeps. I have witnessed a religious experience.

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15 Apr 2010

2yo walks in to the room, his shirt pulled up to his armpits, and glares at me. "Mine nipples!" he shouts, "MINE!"

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22 Apr 2010

Was just informed that preliminary sketches of kids' mermaid day costumes will not be forwarded to me, for fear that I'll "leak" them.

22 Apr 2010

Also: yes, there are preliminary sketches of the kids' mermaid day costumes. Shut up.

26 Apr 2010

Little balls of green play doh look a lot like shelled snap peas. Turns out that the kids left both on the kitchen counter.

1 May 2010

5yo wanted to watch the Wizard of Oz again for movie night. I’m now pretty certain that the lollipop guild is all mobbed up.

7 May 2010

Wife dreamed that we had to pick between two kindergartens with vampire principals. NYC school application process may be getting to her.

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10 May 2010

Handled tonight's bedtime solo. I am reminded that "kid" is two thirds "id." And something is 2/3 of "there better be a beer in the fridge."

15 May 2010

5yo, to brother: "Oh, just stop obsessing about it!" Pauses, then says under her breath: "I don't know what that means."

15 May 2010

2yo, from the back seat: "see mine booger? It tastes like popcorn!"

19 May 2010

Solo w/2yo son, making manly dinner. Our lack of pants makes the asparagus and pancetta hash manly as well as delicious.

19 May 2010

Me: "Time to go to bed." 2 1/2yo: "No. Now eat pizza and watch teevee." Apparently he turned 14 when I wasn't paying attention.

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25 May 2010

A bunch of 5yos are making fun of me because I'm wearing a suit today. This is commentary on my life, and I choose to view it as positive.

31 May 2010

Watching Bedknobs & Broomsticks w/5yo. I guess when I was a kid I didn't notice the part about the hookers.

6 Jun 2010

2yo just walked up to me with a sock hanging from his teeth. Inside the sock was an electric hamster, buzzing quietly. I smiled and nodded.

12 Jun 2010

A herd of 5yos has been roaming the house since 5:30am. Bugs Bunny is taking care of them while I make more coffee.

14 Jun 2010

Walking the 5yo to school today felt a lot like failing pop quizzes in meteorology, engineering, and geology.

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14 Jun 2010

So is it actually *illegal* to give away your children on craigslist? Just curious.

21 Jun 2010

Note to self: change clothes *before* taking kids out to play with the hose. Total rookie mistake.

23 Jun 2010

Count the problems in this sentence: 5yo's pre-k graduation ceremony is starting with a powerpoint deck.

27 Jun 2010

In the past 72 hours, three different people have given whistles to my 2 1/2yo. Anyone know a service that delivers bedbugs by mail?

30 Jun 2010

5yo: "I'm talking opposite! Wait...I'm *not* talking opposite!" Now waiting to see whether she'll vanish in a puff of logic.

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1 Jul 2010

Great moments in parenthood: explaining that the urine on your pants isn't your own. Honestly.

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11 Jul 2010

Taking 5 1/2yo to climb for the first time, visions of family climbing trips to Mallorca and Thailand dancing in my head. But no pressure.

16 Jul 2010

2 1/2yo: "Daddy, let's play head catch!" Me: "What's head ca--OUCH!"

22 Jul 2010

Agreed that we'd get ice cream if an ice cream truck goes by before bedtime. Why is 5yo so sure an ice cream truck will go by? Suspicious...

27 Jul 2010

Explaining to 2 1/2yo why I can't warm up his popsicle a little; the process is a little frustrating on both sides of the table.

4 Aug 2010

5 1/2yo annoyed that on some phonecalls I can't see what she's pointing at. Do I give the future a high five or shake my old man fist at it?

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15 Aug 2010

Kids are home from weeklong visit to grandma, and house is now ankle-deep in silly bandz.

21 Aug 2010

Me: "I know you didn't mean to hit your brother with that, but you did. What could you say to help him feel better?" 5 1/2yo: "Oops?"

23 Aug 2010

2 1/2yo kind of liked Future Sound of London, but totally entranced by a 1985 Casio SK-1 commercial.

10 Sep 2010

2 1/2yo, pointing at movie poster: "What are those guys?" 5 1/2yo: "They're nuns. Nuns are a kind of scary halloween costume."

11 Sep 2010

My 5 1/2yo daughter's table manners make me pretty certain that she was raised by wolves.

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26 Sep 2010

Today's plan includes taking both kids to run errands, have brunch, then puppetworks. By myself. Only the strong will survive.

7 Oct 2010

Report from this morning... 5 1/2yo: "I don't want to go to school." Me: "Why not?" 5 1/2yo: "Wait, I'm thinking."

7 Oct 2010

Takeaways from 5 1/2yo's curriculum night: her class is studying capoeira and "Axl Rose" is on the list of possible names for their bunny.

9 Oct 2010

Went to a 3yo's bday party. His 6yo brother and our 5 1/2yo threw an afterparty. Where did they learn about afterparies?

9 Oct 2010

Silly bandz scattered on the floor look a lot like chalk outlines: our house as crime scene with multiple little, tiny homicides.

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13 Oct 2010

5 1/2yo thinks her little brother should dress up as his own penis for halloween. Because, you know, "he loves it so much."

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17 Oct 2010

5 1/2yo won't sing her new song "The Froggie Family Goes Fishing for Foxes" again unless I buy the accompanying book she just wrote.

17 Oct 2010

5 1/2yo just -- without irony -- asked for a pony for her birthday. Kids are awesome. And childhood is full of disappointments.

21 Oct 2010

5 1/2yo, to me and the rest of the subway car: "look, I'm pole dancing!"

21 Oct 2010

Got home just in time to hear wife say "stop playing with atoms and brush your teeth" to 5 1/2yo. Do I ask for context or not?

22 Oct 2010

On Having Dinner With Two Eight Year Olds: it's not a mad lib until someone uses "underpants" as their noun.

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24 Oct 2010

Sunday morning in the car: lots of whining and arguing about radio stations. And the kids aren't behaving themselves, either.

31 Oct 2010

No, it's not time to go trick or treating yet. It's still not time to go trick or treating. No, it's not time to go trick or treating yet.

31 Oct 2010

Update: no, it's still not time to go trick or treating yet.

31 Oct 2010

One witch, two flying monkeys, a mouse, and a crocodile. There are hollywood studios with smaller hair and makeup departments.

31 Oct 2010

"It would be sad if you threw up before we even started trick or treating."

55

2 Nov 2010

6yo, to 3yo: "no, you're chasing me, so I get the bat." There's a certain logic there.

7 Nov 2010

6yo: "I wish there was a whole museum about meat!" That's my girl.

13 Nov 2010

Family breakfasts beat business breakfasts, no contest. That said, I rarely have to ask my weekday breakfasts to stop picking their noses.

23 Nov 2010

A linear increase in the number of six year olds in our house, but an exponential increase in the amount of noise. Fascinating.

27 Nov 2010

Wife: "What's the word for when you think your kid has said something really interesting but it turns out to be a line from a TV show?"

56

2 Dec 2010

3yo gleefully smashed his ukulele this morning, but I suppose it's my fault for showing him all those videos of Pete Townsend last weekend.

12 Dec 2010

3yo is radiating total contentment as he eats lunch, still wearing his pajamas. I now regret getting dressed this morning.

12 Dec 2010

Overjoyed to have 3yo ask me to sing "the carrot flowers song" for his nap, but also wonder what he's getting out of the rest of the lyrics.

15 Dec 2010

Trying to find a toy robot, in midtown, in the next 20 minutes. Wondering if 3yo would like a nice 100% silk tie for his birthday, instead.

18 Dec 2010

Kids now watching bugs bunny cartoons, after listening to a Pete Seeger record earlier this morning. I hope they're enjoying my childhood.

57

19 Dec 2010

Cleaning up after 3yo's birthday party, I find a small, unfamiliar pair of pants under the sofa; we'll call it some other parent's problem.

58

24 Dec 2010

Our christmas eve discussion: who would win in a fight, Santa or the tooth fairy? 6yos are undecided.

2011

13 Jan 2011

The stairwell in my daughter's elementary school is a museum of lone gloves, each in its own little pool of melted snow.

17 Jan 2011

Things my daughter learned at school last week: that a "Disney Princesses On Ice" show exists. Homeschooling starts to look appealing again.

19 Jan 2011

6yo just left a birthday message for her aunt: "happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy -- I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!"

59

22 Jan 2011

Just ordered the 6yo to make polite requests, rather than ordering other people around. I assume my parent of the year award is in the mail.

23 Jan 2011

Family music listening morning. 3yo spent 20 mins flipping through records, the demanded that we play King Missile's "Mystical Shit."

29 Jan 2011

3yo's hair has been cut. As a bonus, no one at the barbershop will ever again express doubt about whether he's wearing big boy underpants.

7 Feb 2011

Got home and opened the fridge. Peanut butter sandwich with a note reading "eat me" taped to it was inside. The 6yo is awesome.

13 Feb 2011

6yo on the new Akron/Family poster: "I like it. It makes my eyes feel funny.

60

15 Feb 2011

Me, to 6yo: "how many times do I have to tell you not to chimney up the doorway while you're brushing your teeth?"

19 Feb 2011

6yo made a little guitar for one of her dolls. I said, "oh, look what you've done to this rock and roll clown!" She looked at me funny.

26 Feb 2011

3yo, looking at Abbey Road record jacket: "why is that guy not wearing shoes?" Good conspiracy theories never die.

25 Mar 2011

3yo has learned both the unlock pattern for my phone and the correct way to put a record on the turntable. Parenting!

27 Mar 2011

Based on the outcome of chocolate chip cookie negotiations, the 3yo should be represented by counsel in future dealings with his sister.

61

31 Mar 2011

3yo: "I'm going upstairs." Me: "you're not going to touch the record player, right?" 3yo: "well...you just stay downstairs."

9 Apr 2011

Up side of stick-on whiteboard stuff: whiteboards everywhere! Down side: 3yo forgetting which walls it's okay to draw on.

12 Apr 2011

The tooth fairy is bringing the 6yo a geode in return for the tooth that's under her pillow. Sometimes even I think our family is weird.

15 Apr 2011

Accidentally gave 6yo mint toothpaste this AM, instead of strawberry flavored. Or, based on her reaction, it may have been battery acid.

18 Apr 2011

Not wanting to be the dad who says "I told you so," I went with being the dad who says "wow, that looked like it hurt."

62

7 May 2011

Letting the 3yo play the electric bass at 7:53 on Saturday morning. Makin' friends in the neighborhood.

7 May 2011

Realized that trying to explain multi-touch gestures to the 3yo is a waste of time. He seems to understand them better than I do.

16 May 2011

3yo: "I got this toy for helping find the mozzarella!" Wife: "You mean afikoman, dear, but that's an interesting idea..."

28 May 2011

Movie night. 6yo asks why we can't skip the commercials at the start of the DVD, because "they're kind of dumb." Your move, Big Content.

12 Jun 2011

6 yo's review of Olivia Tremor Control's NYC-25: "The end part makes my tummy feel funny. Will you play it again?"

63

13 Jun 2011

Sang "Ring of Fire" for 3yo's bedtime song; he wanted to know whether the guy had a flashlight with him when he fell into the firey hole.

19 Jun 2011

Wife: "I know, it's *so* annoying that I always ask you to be polite." 6yo: "Yes. It's really, really annoying."

22 Jun 2011

Me: "Don't put trucks in your underpants." 3yo: "They're trains."

1 Jul 2011

6yo woke up, stretched, and asked to have waffles and roasted seaweed for breakfast.

10 Jul 2011

6yo furious because we won't let her go to a bday party with pinkeye. Wife, curiously, "really had to go in to work" today. Send help.

64

15 Jul 2011

6yo is enraged because she can't remember why she's angry. Problem solved, I guess.

65

19 Jul 2011

6yo: "Your bottom smells like a chair." Pretty accurately sums up my day, actually.

24 Jul 2011

Playing word games with the 6yo, and telling myself that I'm letting her win.

31 Jul 2011

6yo: "This chicken tastes really good!" Me: "It's pork." 6yo: "Oh, no wonder."

23 Aug 2011

Spent the afternoon in a rowboat, teaching the 6yo and 3yo how to cast. No fish were hooked, but nor were any human beings. Call it a win.

26 Aug 2011

3yo: "Daddy, can I have the car key?" Me: "Did mommy ask you to bring it to her?" 3yo: "No. Can I have the car key, please?"

66

29 Aug 2011

After a week of family vacation, 3yo had a hard time with me leaving for work today. Makes for a tough day all around.

4 Sep 2011

3yo: "I want mommy to get the food!" 6yo: "Smell this horse chestnut!" Just another afternoon in the car.

10 Sep 2011

Siblings need to learn how to resolve their diagreements without a parent getting involved. And building a scale model Thunderdome is fun.

18 Sep 2011

Lady Gaga's meat dress came up in conversation. 6 1/2yo wants to know what specific cuts of meat were involved.

25 Sep 2011

6yo wants a tomato, mozzarella, and basil sandwich in tomorrow's lunchbox, with balsamic vinegar on the side. We've raised *that* kid.

67

28 Sep 2011

3yo to 6yo: "you hurt my pinky!" 6yo to 3yo: "how could it hurt your pinky when I punched you in the face?"

12 Oct 2011

People offended by that "go the fuck to sleep" kids' book don't have children. Or they don't have *my* children, I guess.

15 Oct 2011

Kids picked a video of the Baryshnikov Nutcracker for movie night. I feel a little lowbrow for suggesting the 1966 Batman movie.

15 Oct 2011

The children believe I have super-human hearing, but the fact of the matter is that they just suck at whispering.

17 Oct 2011

My 6yo is a recognized expert on the dissection of laptop keyboards. She's somewhat weaker on the reassembly end of things, though.

68

28 Oct 2011

So the 3yo seems to have put three pairs of Batman underpants into my laptop bag. I'm not sure what kind of day he expects me to have.

69

2 Nov 2011

The 4yo, walking to school on trash day: "look! A rat! Cool!"

19 Nov 2011

Watched Alice In Wonderland and now 6yo actually wants to talk of cabbages and kings. I find myself at bit of a loss.

24 Nov 2011

A horde of 6yos makes off with corks as soon as they're pulled, so every bottle opened must be finished. Dangerous.

26 Nov 2011

Look: if you and your 4yo grandchild disagree on how to do iphone gestures, you're wrong and the kid is right. Just come to terms with it.

3 Dev 2011

Me: "I haven't been in [Clinton Hill Pickles] yet." 6yo's friend: "Really? I go a lot, it's pretty good." I was out hipstered by a child.

70

4 Dec 2011

After walking more than about half a block, the 4yo inevitably starts skipping. Cutest thing ever.

18 Dec 2011

After attending her first sleepover birthday party the 6yo now knows the "batman smells" version of Jingle Bells. The classics never die.

25 Dec 2011

6yo on neighbor kid's new Barbie: "I don't like that kind of doll with the high heeled feet and big nipples."

2012

11 Jan 2012

It's 7:15 and both kids are actually ready to leave the house. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

71

14 Jan 2012

When doing mad libs with a seven year old, you can't go wrong with butts and boogers.

18 Jan 2012

Dear children: Go. The fuck. To sleep.

21 Jan 2012

One of the compelling arguments for having kids is that you get to see their faces when they wake up on the first snowy morning of winter.

12 Feb 2012

2 kids, 5 dropoffs/pickups today. Ft Greene -> Pk Slope -> Ft Greene -> Pk Slope -> Bed Stuy. New rule: only make friends w/neighbohood kids

72

21 Feb 2012

Me: "what do you think the tooth fairy will leave you?" 7yo: "She knows I like weird things...maybe a 7yo's tooth from Singapore?" Me: "..."

21 Feb 2012

Also: every parent sometimes wonders whether they're raising a sociopath, right?

73

3 Mar 2012

An observation: you can eat your breakfast, or you can sit on the floor and whine. Either way, your father's going to have some more coffee.

7 Mar 2012

7yo putting 4yo to bed tonight. the process probably shouldn't be taking 25 minutes, but on the other hand I'm sitting here drinking a beer.

15 Mar 2012

7yo has learned "heads I win, tails you lose" somewhere. "It's really cool," she says to the 4yo, "go get your wallet."

17 Mar 2012

Two kids, 7 and 4 yrs old, chose the 1938 Errol Flynn Robin Hood for movie night. Serious popular culture hangover coming in middle school.

74

31 Mar 2012

Family movie night, kids pick. I'm sad that my brain can no longer see the Muppet Movie as input, but with the Sound of Music it's a relief.

13 Apr 2012

Family road trip: Why are the bottles of beer on the wall, anyway? Weird, now that I think about it. 72 bottles of beer left to ponder this.

14 Apr 2012

7yo has made up a song w/chorus of "it's stupid naked what's-his-name, stupid naked what's-his-name". Researching riot grrrl summer camps.

25 Apr 2012

And yet again, childcare gets complicated because of babysitters' tattoo appointments. Brooklyn, 2012.

6 May 2012

Mothers day video, take 15: this one works, if I can edit out the bit where I say "can you stop being jerks to each other for five minutes?"

75

2 Jul 2012

A family driving home from a four-day camping trip is a veritable mixtape of smells.

17 Jul 2012

7yo read me Bedtime for Frances as her bedtime story. Day getting better.

21 Jul 2012

7yo lost her shit because I won't let her go out in the clothes she chose. Have I mentioned how much I'm looking forward to her teen years?

23 Jul 2012

Tonight's the night the 7yo can stay up reading as late as she wants. Current odds are 2:1 on 2am, with 15 minute spread.

3 Aug 2012

After a week at her gma's, the 7yo just called for the first time. She said "hi, dad," then asked to talk to her brother. We done okay.

76

12 Aug 2012

Whole family home for the first time in two weeks: chaotic and lovely.

17 Aug 2012

7yo: "Mama?" Me: "Mama's at the drugstore." 7yo: "Curses! Foiled again!"

18 Aug 2012

Movie night. 4yo: "when will someone fall in the pool?" 7yo: "Don't worry, soon." Way to foreshadow, Home Alone III...

29 Aug 2012

Yesterday 4 1/2yo paddled a kayak, today 7 1/2yo figured out how to get herself to the top of a boulder. Guess this is how sports dads feel.

13 Sep 2012

Feeding them just gives them more energy. Dear god.

77

15 Sep 2012

Loaded up for the last camping trip of the summer. Five campsites, eight adults, nine kids. Only the strong will survive.

78

22 Sep 2012

Me: "How did that chair end up like?" 4yo: "We were making a fort. It didn't end well."

23 Sep 2012

Me: "You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar." 7yo: "But who wants flies? Maybe you catch something better with vinegar."

29 Sep 2012

I fear being made obsolete by the next generation, then I watch my 4yo try to figure out a paper towel dispenser without a motion sensor.

29 Sep 2012

News flash: 7 1/2yo does not want the benefit of my experience. Also news flash: fruit salad with capers on the dinner menu.

5 Oct 2012

7 1/2 yo wants to carve a pumpkin with a jack-o-lantern face on it into a pumpkin. My mind is blown.

79

13 Oct 2012

It's October: 4 1/2yo is in the back yard with a water gun, wearing flip flops, maintaining that he's not cold. Hold on to the summer, man.

19 Oct 2012

It's getting to be getting less of a struggle to get the kids out the door on time in the morning. It's quiet...*too* quiet...

24 Oct 2012

Me: "You need to stay in bed; do you understand?" 4 1/2yo: "Yes, except I'm just not going to do it." He gets points for honesty, anyway.

27 Oct 2012

Baking blondes with the 7 1/2yo. Also: holy crap, I'm an intolerable control freak, as my children will explain to their therapists.

80

4 Nov 2012

8yo eating a mouthful of raw spinach and pretzels. "It tastes like Ikea!" she says. Also: I guess we need to go shopping.

17 Nov 2012

8yo spent first half of friend's bday party sulking in a corner, second half running around laughing, with a pinata on her head. Good times.

24 Nov 2012

Downloading LaMonte Young's 78' 17" because the 5yo liked Will Hermes' description and wanted to listen. Feeling proud. And/or confused.

16 Dec 2012

5yo's birthday party is today, and he's been up since 5:30. It's like a dress rehearsal for christmas day.

20 Dec 2012

Told 8yo my office would be her not-shared-with-little-brother bedroom after xmas. Tonight she was trying to push my desk out into the hall.

81

25 Dec 2012

8yo came into our room, fully dressed, at 3:15am. New record.

82

26 Dec 2012

Continuing my annual tradition of being disappointed that, once again, the kids didn't accidentally write a note to Satan on Christmas eve.

27 Dec 2012

5yo's new robot keeps threatening to either "teach you to dance" or "kick you to death." Either way, robot assures me it will be fun.

30 Dec 2012

8yo to 5yo: "okay, this time I'll be the mad scientist and you be the newspaper reporter." Whatever this game is, I like it.

2013

12 Jan 2013

Prepping for 8yo's bday party. Which involves nine kids sleeping over. And seemed like a better idea when it was weeks in the future.

83

13 Jan 2013

8yo and friends playing restaurant: their pretend landlord is raising the rent, and they're arguing about the menu. Eerily realistic.

25 Jan 2013

"Ow! Stop it!" "Smell my socks!" "No socks allowed!" "Yes socks allowed!" "No socks allowed!" "Ow!" Just another Friday night.

25 Jan 2013

8yo to 5yo: "No, seriously, you owe me a dollar." The situation is fluid and evolving.

30 Jan 2013

The kids never want to go to bed when it's time for bed, even though they know they'll regret it tomorrow. Stupid genetic inheritance.

2 Feb 2013

Been at BAM kids' film festival nearly ten minutes and only run into eight other families we know. Weird.

84

8 Feb 2013

Solo parenting long weekend has begun. Both kids asleep upstairs. Which means that I'm outnumbered and they hold the high ground. Uh oh.