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https://learn.extension.org/events/2588
This material is based upon work supported by the National Institute of Food and Agriculture, U.S. Department of Agriculture, and the Office of Family Readiness Policy, U.S. Department of Defense under Award Numbers 2014-48770-22587 and 2015-48770-24368.
Communication “In the Crunch”
Connecting military family service providers to research and to each other
through innovative online programming
www.extension.org/militaryfamilies
MFLN Intro
2Sign up for webinar email notifications at www.extension.org/62831
Connecting military family service providers to research and to each other
through innovative online programming
MFLN Intro
3
Join the Conversation Online!
Join the Conversation Online!
MFLN Military Caregiving
MFLN Military Caregiving @MFLNMC
MFLN Group https://www.linkedin.com/groups/8409844
MC SMS icons
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Military Families Learning Network
Webinar Presenter – Jane Riffe
• Professor, Therapist• Research & Teaching in:
• Couple and Relationship Education
• Mindfulness to reduce everyday stress
• Co-Parenting Strategies
• Podcasts for MFLN online for your use
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Communication in the “Crunch”
Jane Riffe, Ed.D., LICSW, LPCAssociate Professor, Retired
West Virginia University Extension
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Today we will…
Identify personal agendas that limit communication and undermine relationships.
Describe practices which open communication possibilities.
Identify specific ways to improve your communication style under stress.
Please use the chat to share!7
Guiding Principles
• Empower families
• Work as partners, not from “one-up” position.
• Individuals and families are experts in their own experiences.
• Daily choice points in communication affect relationships.
• Mindfully notice slips and correct the course.
• Permission to use all handouts
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Poor Communication
• #1 reason couples split up• Excessive family conflict• Ineffective problem solving • Children: More behavior and school
problems• Weak emotional bonding• Physical and mental health risks for adults
and kids 9
Satisfied with Communication
• Relationship satisfaction and stability• Admiration for each other• Confidence in current and future ability to resolve
unavoidable problems• Better mental and physical health• Increased longevity• Fewer lost work days
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Benefits to Children
• More effective parenting• Better academic performance• Better health behaviors• Reduced school misbehavior
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Our Intention
• Clear• Courteous• Compassionate• Connected
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The Reality
• Times you have missed this mark?• Percentage of times you feel you really
communicated or listened? 50%?
• What problems have you have experienced communicating with your families?
• What communication problems have you have seen in your families?
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“The Crunch”
Losing Agendas in Relationships
1. Being right2. Controlling the other person3. Unbridled self-expression4. Retaliation5. Withdrawal
Terrence Real (2007). The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work. www.terryreal.com
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#1 Being Right!
• According to whom?
• Her Truth vs. His Truth
• I know what is best for you.
• Endless battles “persuading” the other
• Leads to frustration and anger
• Can become abusive or disempowering
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Would you rather: Be Right or Be in Relationship?
Share via Chat
• Have you ever found yourself in this Being Right cycle?
• How did it work for you?
• How about being on the receiving end of listening to someone who always has to be right?
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#2 Control
• Trying to get another adult to do/not do something
• Often cloaked as advice, teaching, care-giving Don’t you think you should…?
• Comes from one-up position, “I know what you need better than you know for yourself.”
• Can be direct or indirect (manipulation)• People don’t like being controlled. Payback is
inevitable.
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#3 Unbridled Self-Expression
• Misconception: “I have the right and need to share all my feelings with you right now.”
• Myth: Spontaneously sharing all my thoughts will increase closeness.
• Truth: Better to think before you speak • This might be called the “Barf Bag” approach to
relationships.
• Your experiences with those who use this approach?
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#4 Retaliation
• Offending from the victim position “I’ll get you back.”
• Trying to “make you feel what I feel.”• Can be explicit or covert (passive aggressive)• Verbal, financial, physical• Can be a reaction to control
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#5 Withdrawal
Turning away Angry silence or passive resignation
Unwilling to stay with an important talk “Stonewalling” (Gottman)
Differs > Responsible Distance Taking “I love you.” “I will be back.” “We can discuss this later, I just can’t productively do it now.”
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So what are your favorites?
• Think about the last argument you had with your partner/spouse/child/or close friend.
• Knowing your own tendencies can help you change a pattern and recognize it in others.
• “Learn first what you want to teach to others.”
• How might you use the Losing Strategies Quiz with your clients, co-workers, family?
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Five Losing Agendas
Vote for the strategy you recognize that you do most often.
1. Being right2. Controlling the other person3. Unbridled self-expression4. Retaliation5. Withdrawal
Thank you!23
Recipe for Communication
• Reflective listening • Encouragement • Compromise and cooperation • I messages • Practice • Engagement Adapted from Penn State FRIDGE (Food-Related Intergenerational Discussion Group Experiences) curriculum.http://extension.psu.edu/youth/intergenerational/program-areas/nutrition-health/fridge
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Listen with Curiosity
Put yourself aside, you are at their service.Goal: Help them feel betterGoal: The other person feels understoodBe fascinated in how s/he sees it differently.
Tips for staying curious: (REFLECTION)“So this is what is going on for you, right?”“If I am understanding, you are feeling super irritated
with…and want….am I getting it?”
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RASA – The “Juice”
• Receive • Appreciate• Summarize• Ask
Julian Treasure – 5 Ways to Listen Better TED Talk: https://youtu.be/cSohjlYQI2A?t=330
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Encourage! 5:1 Ratio
• Be positive• 5 positive: 1 negative (Gottman)• Frequently give verbal compliments to those you
love.• Don’t assume they know how much you
appreciate them.• Give weekly “Family Hero” awards
FamilyHero!
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Compromise
• No one ever gets everything they want.• Cooperate to find solutions.• Be willing to let go of hurt feelings to move
forward.• Find ways to work together rather than fight.• “If you help me with the checkbook, I will fix us a
nice meal.”
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Shift from Complaint to Request
Complaining is not the easiest path to change.• Avoid the temptation to criticize or blame. • “What’s past is past.” • State your request - ask for specific behaviors
that will make you feel better right now “Reasonable and “Video-clear” “Going forward, I’d really like if you talked it over with
me before making appointments/decisions that affect us both.”
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Respectful Requests:Say What You Want Using “I”
“When you yell at me/roll your eyes,
I make up that you are really tired of all this work, and
I feel scared that you might leave.” “What I’d like is for you is to let me know when you are feeling overwhelmed and about to blow, maybe we can be in different rooms for a while, then come back to talk it through.” (future) 30
Practice, Practice, Practice
• Expect that conscious communication can be feel unnatural at first.
• Acknowledge “Right, it seems a little weird. We are trying to speak more kindly and directly to make our family happier.”
• Allow other family members time to get the new style and skills.
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Engagement
• Give your loved ones your full attention.• When you can’t, say so and agree to listen later.
“Susie, I really want to hear what you are saying and I can’t focus right now.
Would it be okay if I just finished this and then we could talk in about 10 minutes?”
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Engagement
• Favor your right ear.• Avoid interrupting or re-directing the conversation
to your concerns.• Set aside judgment. Exhale slowly when you
notice judgment in words or thoughts.• Not necessary to agree or like someone, just
withhold blame or criticism to fully understand.
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Remember Love!
If you have to choose between being kind
and being right, choose being kind
and you’ll always be right.
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“Magic Days” Experiment
• Decide on 2-3 Magic Days for the week ahead.• Magic Days give you the power to experiment
with new moves in your communication. • Pick one thing, like changing a complaint to a
request, or telling your partner or child what you cherish about her or him.
• On magic days, you can’t do the same old thing.• On ordinary days, continue with how you have
always talked with others.• See if you notice a difference.
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Your Plan?
Based on today’s presentation, please write:
• Two specific things you will do to improve your communication when you are “in the crunch.
-OR-• One significant thing you learned today?
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Questions?
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Resources
• Futris, Ted. 9 Important Skills for Every Relationship (Downloadable Tip Sheet) http://www.fcs.uga.edu/nermen/extension-resources-publications-enrich-couple-relationships
• Gottman, John (2001). The Relationship Cure. Three Rivers Press: New York.
• Peterson, Rick. (2009). Families First-Keys to Successful Family Functioning: Communication. Virginia Tech, Extension Publication #350-092. https://pubs.ext.vt.edu/350/350-092/350-092.html
• Real, Terrence (2007). The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work. Ballentine Books: New York. www.terryreal.com
• Riffe, J. (2015).Reflect! Keep Calm and Carry On. (3 Mindfulness Podcasts) Extension Military Families Network https://blogs.extension.org/militaryfamilies/military-caregiving/audiocasts-and-podcasts/
• ELEVATE for couples – Downloadable couples education curriculum blending practical skills with an understanding of the physiology of human interaction to enhance couple communication and relationship satisfaction http://www.fcs.uga.edu/nermen/elevate 38
References
• Adler‐Baeder, F., Calligas, A., Skuban, E., Keiley, M., Ketring, S., & Smith, T. (2013). Linking changes in couple functioning and parenting among couple relationship education participants. Family Relations, 62(2), 284-297.
• Gottman, John (2001). The Relationship Cure. Three Rivers Press: New York.• FRIDGE Food-Related Intergenerational Discussion Group Experiences Curriculum) http://extension.psu.edu/youth/intergenerational/program-areas/nutrition-health/fridge• Peterson, Rick. (2009). Families First-Keys to Successful Family Functioning: Communication Virginia Tech, Extension Publication #350-092. https://pubs.ext.vt.edu/350/350-092/350-092.html• Real, Terrence (2007). The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work.
Ballentine Books: New York. www.terryreal.com• Robles, T. R. (2014). Marital quality and health: Implications for marriage in the 21st century.
Current Directions in Psychological Science, 23(6), 427-432.• Schneider, B., Atteberry, A., & Owens, A. (2005). Family matters: Family structure and child
outcomes. Retrieved from http://www.acpeds.org/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/FamilyMatters.pdf
• Riffe, J. (2015).Reflect! Keep Calm and Carry On. (3 Mindfulness Podcasts) Extension Military Families Network https://blogs.extension.org/militaryfamilies/military-caregiving/audiocasts-and-podcasts/
• Wiley, A., Adler-Baeder, F., & Warzinik, K. (2012). Care for self: Maintaining physical, sexual, emotional and spiritual wellness. In Futris, T. G. & Adler-Baeder, F. Eds. (2013). The national extension relationship and marriage education model: Core teaching concepts for relationship and marriage enrichment programming. www.fcs.uga.edu/nermen/nermem-book-chapters
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Certificate of Completion
MFLN Military Caregiving is offering a certificate of completion for today’s webinar.
To receive a certificate of completion, please complete the evaluation at: https://vte.co1.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_d3RUw4KgDy9M3bL
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Military Caregiving Upcoming Event
Coming Summer 2016!TRICARE® - Active Duty Family Members with Special Needs
For more information on MFLN Military Caregiving go to: https://blogs.extension.org/militaryfamilies/military-caregiving/
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www.extension.org/62581
42This material is based upon work supported by the National Institute of Food and Agriculture, U.S. Department of Agriculture, and the Office of Family Readiness Policy, U.S. Department of Defense under Award Numbers 2014-48770-22587 and 2015-48770-24368.