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Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship essays Rebecca Joseph, PhD [email protected] facebook: getmetocollege freeadvice FB page: All College Essays iPad/iPhone App: All College Application Essays

Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping under-represented students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship application essays

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This is a new version of my college application essay writing powerpoint with more examples and strategies to help kids write pieces that push their powerful identities. We want kids to show how they are empowering themselves, their families, their schools, and their communities. Go to our website: www.allcollegeessays.org for more strategies.

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Page 1: Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping under-represented students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship application essays

Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship essays

Rebecca Joseph, [email protected]: getmetocollege freeadviceFB page: All College EssaysiPad/iPhone App: All College Application Essays

Page 2: Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping under-represented students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship application essays

JuanUC Riverside Class of 2016

First generation college goerMajor community service-360+ hours

Page 3: Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping under-represented students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship application essays

Juan’s UC 1-UC Riverside, Class of 2016

• Describe the world you come from –for example, your family, community or school-and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations

• Five members in a small home; one kitchen, one bathroom, one bedroom, and one living room; all having to share it with one another, working in a tight space. When my brothers or I need help, we have to work in this condition but that does not stop us from helping one another one on one. In this home sweet home, we always encountered a lot but we always managed to pull ourselves through because the family is always together.

• Throughout our school years my mom has always taken us to school no matter if it was raining hard, if there were strong winds, if there was a thunderstorm, or if it was too hot: she still took us. When we were sick she always kept us going to school and motivated us to get an education, encouraging us to be on the right path to success but also to be friends with good buddies. She keeps telling us “Have respect for others and always be responsible by turning in all the assigned work ok my son” These words that my mom told me makes me go through school happy and not worried about anything, knowing that she also wants for my brothers and me to be polite and grateful.

• My dad helps us by providing food in the table, also provides us with clothes in addition money. However he teaches us how to save up money and how to use it wisely. Even though he would like to spend more time with us at home, he has to work two jobs as a security to keep us going financially. All this love that is given to my brothers and me by our parents makes me realize that I want to give love to others who need it.

• On Wednesday during nutrition I go to a club called Random Acts of Kindness (R.A.K.) in which we, the club, help out people who are in need of materials or support. The most reason that has been big has been when the club helped out to collect funds through cranes to go to Japan after the earthquake. I was a participant in making the cranes with the combination of others just making a bunch of them. Each paper crane donated to the foundation, they in returned gave a dollar towards the cause to help out Japan. Through this I felt that I was giving my love towards Japan by helping get donations. At the same time the school collected money to send to Japan and I also donated knowing that it was for a good thing.

• When my family is sick, I always try helping them out to get better. I always feel good aiding them that I realize a true thing that my life has always had the love and support of my family that I give back to others the love and care just like a doctor or a nurse. A doctor has qualities of being; polite, respectful, responsible and also grateful, yet what so ever also good money managing, qualities that I have. My big dream when I go to a university is truly to become a doctor and give back love to others just how I got love from my family.

Page 4: Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping under-represented students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship application essays

Juan UC 2• Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to

you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

• In elementary school I had the idea of becoming a doctor no matter what it took I would do it. I have always seen myself as a caring and helpful person knowing that a doctor does seem like that, when researching their careers and experiences in middle school. So, from middle school going to a high school and still having the idea in becoming a doctor I ask my mom to sign me up for Francisco Bravo Medical Magnet high school knowing their magnet was on a medical basis. My home school would have been James A. Garfield high school and their magnet would have been math and science I did not want to go there.

• Since I was leaning towards becoming a doctor, I wanted to become more personal with what they do so I volunteered at the LAC+USC Hospital near my high school and gotten to be more familiarized with doctors. I noticed that they had to move all around the hospital but also that when they are needed at a certain area the nurses will get them located. Doctors truly are very busy throughout their day, either diagnosing a patient or moving to different floors looking at their patients’ health or going to perform surgery. In my eyes the doctors were like blurs when I see them going fast to their location if they were needed. At the same time I had to learn acronyms while I was in the hospital knowing that the doctors had to know them also. So doctors are very much very hard workers.

• Yet from this experience I felt more willing to become a doctor. It makes me proud that I have now the experience and research on what the doctors do that I eventually will be doing. I feel very much accomplished on what I had done to know more on the career and the experience gained from this. My next accomplishment is to truly be a doctor.

Page 5: Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping under-represented students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship application essays

Eliana “Lily”VillanuevaFremont High School, Class 2013, UC Davis, Class of 2017, Animal Studies

USC Mentoring Programs, 2013 Summertime

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Lily UC 1-UC Davis Class of 2017

The bell to go home rang and I knew that bell did not mean it was time to go home for me—my mom was still at work and I still had to wait for my older sister to come pick me up. I come from a family of six and I’ve spent the majority of my life being the youngest. Of course this meant that I would see less of my parents because as soon as I started school, my mom went back to the work field, and my dad never stopped working—for most of my life, the only time I would see my dad was at night.Both my parents emigrated from El Salvador in their early twenties and soon after coming to the United States and meeting each other, formed a family. Having little education only meant my dad would have to work extra hard to support his now family of five, while my mom stayed home to take care of us.Throughout my childhood, life seemed simple, but as I got older I realized that my parents’ marriage was slowly crumbling. My parents’ failing marriage left three kids having to find different ways to cope. Because of my parents’ absence due to work and dealing with marital problems, I was left with little parental supervision, and living in South Los Angeles only meant I was vulnerable to many of the negative influences that overshadow the community.Even though my sister is only three years older than me, she took on the role of being a mother to me and of being one of the greatest influences in my life. Throughout elementary, she was the person that picked me up right after coming from her school, ready to take me home, to feed me, help me with my homework, and play with me. She instilled in me a sense of self-reliance and was there to support me in all my endeavors. The influence my sister has had on me has been one of the most contributing factors in my desire to go to college.But when she left for college she left a void in my life. Seeing my parents go through a divorce was not easy, having to deal with my mom abandon us repeatedly, seeing my dad lose his job and have his health decline in the process, and me having to care for my younger sister without the help of my sister. I felt hopeless, and my only escape seemed to come when I was at school.School and my pets have helped take my mind off the problems I face at home, and with my older sister as my support from afar, I have been able to focus on my studies so that I can pursue my dreams. In my sister’s absence I have found solace in my pets, especially when things got difficult. This has allowed me to discover my passion for helping animals. Caring for animals has always been a part of my life, but I have come to realize the joy it brings me to help, not only my pets but also all animals. I have never been able to express my feelings but there is one thing that I can express without a doubt—my passion for being the voice of animals—and this has shaped my biggest aspiration to be a veterinarian

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Lily UC 2Finally Fremont was going to have a free summer. I never had a true summer vacation because of the multitrack, year-round program at my high school. Fremont is a low-income high school that does not possess many resources for students to utilize. There was nothing available for students over the summer. I asked my teachers if they would recommend any programs, and my AP Environmental Science teacher told me about COSMOS a math and summer program at UC Davis for cluster 7 - Biomedical Sciences with an emphasis on Human and Veterinary Medicine. Immediately I was very interested in because science has always been my best subject.

During my stay at UC Davis I got a sense of college life with lectures on crucial subjects in both Human and Veterinary medicine and also the type of freedom a college student receives, (field-trips, etc). We had a variety of lectures on infectious diseases, bacteria, radiology, parasitology, toxicology, ophthalmology, hematology, and cardiology. We learned how to give a proper physical exam on humans and animals. In addition to being in class several hours every day, every Thursday they took us on a fieldtrip related to what we were learning. The trip I was most excited about was the UC Davis Veterinary Teaching Hospital where we witnessed a canine spleenectomy in the surgery observation room and a necropsy on a horse. My stay was very comfortable, and left me excited to attend college so I could learn more about animals.

This experience helped increase my passion for animals. I have seen how little animals are valued in South Los Angeles and deeply believe that these animals deserve a fighting chance for love and a happy home. I have tried my best to always help an animal in pain. Growing up with pets and realizing how big of an impact they have on my life has been a major influence for me wanting to become a veterinarian and helping them. The majority of these pets were strays I found near my home, who would have died of hunger had I not taken them into my home. I want to help animals, whether stray or domesticated. No matter where I go to school, I want to come back to help the animals of South Los Angeles.

Living in South Los Angeles I was not exposed much to colleges, all I knew was to follow the path my sister left for me when she left for college three year ago. My experience at UC Davis gave me the opportunity to create a new path for myself.

Page 8: Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping under-represented students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship application essays

Essays = opportunity

Take control over the highest ranked non-academic aspect of the application

Realize the package of essays counts…not just oneShare their voiceEmpower students to take ownership of their storiesExpress who they really areShow (not tell) stories that belong only to them and help them jump off

the pageChallenge stereotypesReflect on their growth and development, including accomplishments

and serviceSeek to understand what the admission officer is looking for

Page 9: Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping under-represented students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship application essays

How important are the essays?1. Grades2. Rigor of Coursework, School3. Test Scores4. Essays*5. Recommendations-Teacher and/or Counselor6. Activities-Sustained consistency, development,

leadership, and initiative7. Special skills, talents, awards, community service

and passions

Page 10: Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping under-represented students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship application essays

What do admissions officers look for in essays?

ContextValuesIntellectual curiosity, a playful mind, or a sense of humorCommitment/Depth of InterestsInteraction with and/or perception by othersSpecial talents and qualities Realistic self-appraisal

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Florisel-Brown Class of 2016

Florisel Resume

• 1st gen college student• Top grades• Good test scores• Great AP tests• Leader in her school and

local community• This essay and others pushed

her leadership and initiative• She did not push stereotypes• Choices-Brown, Wellesley,

UCLA, and more

Page 12: Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping under-represented students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship application essays

Florisel’s Essay• The rain felt like needles pricking at my skin, causing me to wish I could have had an

extra layer of clothing. But what could have an extra layer of clothing done? Not much since further ahead it would have been damped and heavy. I always wished for marathons to be on cloudy and rainy days so the heat wouldn’t cause the runs to be harder. A year ago during the LA Marathon, I got more than I wished for. It poured heavily.

• But this time, I wasn’t running for myself; I was running with the four middle school students I had trained for the past eight months. I started off the race running alongside the coach and a student who wanted to be sure she would have a good pace to finish. Surprisingly, by the second mile, she had already started to speed up, and I asked her if she would like to run ahead. The enthusiastic look in her eyes shone through like a ray of light; she was hopeful that by running ahead she could beat the time people expected of her. As both of us continued on towards the fourth mile, the rain became heavier and the chilly wind grew fierce. The only way we could try to battle the cold and try to keep our bodies warm was to run faster and longer.

• •

Page 13: Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping under-represented students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship application essays

Florisel’s Essay• Little by little we managed to run the magnificent “From the Stadium to the Sea”

course. It was my fourth time running the L.A. Marathon and second time running the course. To my benefit and disgrace knowing the path helped and hurt me--I knew how far we were from the finish line, the hills, streets, and places. That made the temptation to stop when I felt sleepy and exhausted great just like the temptation to run ahead when I had energy, but I was aware that my partner was going to need help and encouragement in those last and arduous miles. With her I was able to give back the support I received in my first marathon, and deep inside I was grateful for the opportunity.

• As we headed to Rodeo Drive a sudden rush of energy came over me. The view of the stores and their elegance made me remember that the marathon represented my struggle to achieve a better life for myself and the people I loved. I remembered that I had my family standing in the cold and harsh rain trying to stay dry under the umbrellas whose flaps were weak against that ocean wind.

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Florisel’s Essay• Remembering all this carried me through when I hit the wall on mile 22. The

energy I had felt before was leaving my grasp. I felt that that was as far as I could go. My partner had become exhausted and our walking pace had become slower. We had met three other students who were struggling to continue, one of them was starting to get the chills, while another had cramps; it was at that moment that my real fear began. I was scared that they might collapse and that I wouldn’t be able to help them. All I could think of was to accommodate the pace to their needs without letting them give up on running at least a little.

• All five of us completed the 2011 Los Angeles Marathon on the rainiest and coldest day we ever experienced. My greatest accomplishment was to help students achieve the goals they thought impossible to complete. I learned that I have the strength and character to accomplish and succeed, and that though the road may not be easy, it is possible.

Page 15: Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping under-represented students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship application essays

Steps to success

1)Understand the essays you will have to write2)Create a master chart to highlight patterns3)Identity core qualities and unique stories4)Use effective brainstorm strategies5)Read successful sample essays6)Write a resume7)Use the “Into, Through, and Beyond” method

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Understand the essays…• The University of California Prompts• All applicants must respond to two essay prompts — the general prompt

and either the freshman or transfer prompt, depending on your status.• Responses to your two prompts must be a maximum of 1,000 words total.• Allocate the word count as you wish. If you choose to respond to one prompt at

greater length, we suggest your shorter answer be no less than 250 words.

• The essay prompts• 1. Freshman applicant prompt• Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school

— and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.• 2. Prompt for all applicants• Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience

that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Page 17: Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping under-represented students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship application essays

Understand the essays…

1)The Common Application: New Prompts! One Long:

Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn?

Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?

Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

Short, Activities, Additional Information, and Supplemental

2)Large Public Universities—The UCS, and other big publics3)Private College Specific Applications4)Other Systems (Universal Application, etc.)

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Create a master chart: patterns

1)Major Deadlines and Needs (by application type)2)Core Essays (color code all similar or overlapping

essays)3)Supplemental Essays (color code similar types

i.e. “Why are you a good match for us?” or “How will you add to the diversity of our campus?”

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Identify core qualities and unique stories• Help students think what unique

qualities they offer a college• Help them describe unique stories that

demonstrate their leadership and initiative

• If they have struggled, show how they have taken that struggle and used it to strengthen themselves and their commuities

Page 20: Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping under-represented students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship application essays

Read sample essays and prompts

Essays that worked: Connecticut Collegehttp://www.conncoll.edu/admission/apply/essays-that-worked/

University of Chicago, Elon, and Tufts have great additional essay prompts

Essays from other students in your programs

Page 21: Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping under-represented students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship application essays

Use effective brainstorm strategiesBrainstorming Exercises:

Complete a culture bagWrite a letter to future roommateWrite three responses to the common application short

essay activities prompt

Page 22: Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping under-represented students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship application essays

Write a resume

Academic: Current school, honors, AP courses, test scores (if strong), summer programs

Activities: Colleges look for consistency, development, leadership, and initiative. Describe the level of activity and any awards and honors received. Include leadership positions held.

Include Sports, Service, Volunteer Work, Jobs or

Employment, Internships as appropriate.

Page 23: Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping under-represented students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship application essays

Culture Bags• Have students bring in artifacts that show how they are

members of unique groups• 1. ethnicity• 2. gender• 3. religion• 4. neighborhoods• 5. families• 6. communities at school• 7. communities outside of school• 8. acts that strengthen others

Page 24: Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping under-represented students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship application essays

Letter to future roommate

Dear Roommate,I love making lists. A series of lists serve as decorations of my walls, lockers and notebooks—speckles of organization in a lifestyle characterized by organized chaos. One of my most recent list-making tasks began at two in the morning, with my trying to write about some part of my personality that I wanted to share. I began listing small things about myself, and found myself inspired to create a large list of tiny things that define many parts of who I am.The first one on the list goes without saying.I have problems falling asleep.The pronunciation and spelling of my names serves a conversation starter wherever I go.I move my lips when I anticipate other people talking.I have the ability to create and develop different fonts in my handwriting.The first things I look for in someone’s room are the books they keep.I've been sleeping with a 2-foot stuffed bear for nine years.All I want is to be able to buy a keychain with my name already on it.I've been told that I have a silly sense of humor.I have enough journals to fill an entire bookshelf.I love documentaries.One of my favorite words is “ubuntu,” which means humanity in Xhosa.When I was thirteen, I tried writing an autobiography comprised of poems.I am most compatible with people who I think are most like me.I feel like a four-star chef when I make salads.I'm an ENTJ.My favorite colors are coral and cerulean.If I could have any superpower, I would have the ability to be in two places at once. I eat ice cream with a fork.I’m obsessed with the game Bananagrams™.I drink orange juice right after I brush my teeth—just for the sour taste.Scary movies are the worst.

Page 25: Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping under-represented students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship application essays

Letter to future roommate

Dear Roommate:

For a majority of my life, I have shared the same room with my two younger brothers, so I am confident you will become family in no time.  Based on my expertise, I have developed following guidelines to get us off to a smooth and sound freshmen year:

1.  All non-Dodgers posters will be removed at your expense, and Giants posters will be burned on your bed.2.  The use of anyone else’s toothbrush is frowned upon.3.  If you need to borrow my laptop, ask- don’t just take it.4.  If you need to borrow my underwear, don’t ask- just take it.

My fifth and most important recommendation is play whatever music you want.

Rock, religious, renaissance romantic, rap- whatever, I’ll listen to it.  In fact my friend from back home and I arrange rock and rap into mashups, so I can handle both. Even if the song you decide to play is just good, I know it can be great.  Maybe we’ll drop a beat, add some power chords, or back it up with a Disney soundtrack.  Don’t worry if our songs are completely different genres- the more diverse the tracks, the better the mashup. If you have an idea for something new, we can compose and perform it together.

I guarantee I will think that whatever you do with your time is awesome.  If you’re part of a book club and I’m part of an a cappella group, we’ll sing stories.  If I’m broadcasting on KZSU 90.1 and you’re a member of the Chinese Dance club, I’ll do play-by-play of your moves.

I would love to visit you wherever you live, and you’re welcome to visit me. I have lived in New York, Connecticut, Poland, Connecticut again, and Los Angeles, and I have visited over thirty countries.  That is, unless you fail to follow rule number one.

Page 26: Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping under-represented students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship application essays

Three responses to common application short essay promptList the activities you chose to describe

Write down the traits you believe you show explicitly or implicitly to a college

Examples: empathetic, resilient, determined, collaborative, creative, insightful, analytic, etc.

Which traits you listed or didn’t list might lead to a long essay? What topics might you write about?

Examples: Innovative….creating a peer mentoring program for a local elementary school; resilient…living in two worlds (urban neighborhood and elite private school)

Page 27: Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping under-represented students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship application essays

Into, through, and beyond

Into• Lead the reader into the story• Start with a hook• Consider cutting first paragraph(s) from first draft

Through• Use 1/3, 2/3 method: if starting with a life or family challenge, move quickly into who student is now; if

writing about someone who influenced, make sure 2/3 of essay is about the student not the person of influence

• Use first person• Show don’t tell

Beyond• Connect to who student is now and who student wants to be• Evoke core qualities, convey morals

Page 28: Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping under-represented students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship application essays

David, UC Berkeley Class of 2016Wilson High School, LAUSD

Student Activist, Upward Bound Participant and Current Summer Worker

Page 29: Communicating their powerful stories: Strategies for helping under-represented students write uniquely empowering college and scholarship application essays

David’s UC 2-UC Berkeley Class of 2016• The summer of my sophomore year I was selected out of 280 students by Upward

Bound to attend a National Student Leadership Congress Conference in Washington DC. During the conference I participated in many workshops and learned that just because we come from different cultures or a person is gay or lesbian you should not treat him or her differently or block him out. We are all different and have different ideas but what we all have one thing in common, change.

• Being given the keys of how to approach a problem and make change, I decided to focus on one injustice at my school. Entering my junior year many parents were given $60 tickets for dropping off students at Wilson High School because there was no proper location drop-off zone. I was determined to make a change to my school standing up for parents and create a formal passenger loading zone at my school.

• I first contacted a Los Angeles Community Safety Representative in charge of my district and told him how badly Wilson needed a passenger loading zone. Taking it a step further, I took the initiative to contact my Councilmember Jose Huizar and had a lengthy discussion with him about the situation. We met one on one; he encouraged me to continue being involved in improving my community. I initially did not get far in gaining any grounds with the passenger loading zone due to the bureaucracy and my age.

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David’s Essay• I also felt the need to take a proactive approach, so I contacted our school

superintendent, explained and discussed how we can go about gaining a permit or the city’s permission. I quickly learned the process was a big a run around, at this point I was at the verge of breaking down, but I knew it was up to me. I had to prove to myself and these elected officials that failure was not an option, so I took the initiative to request an investigation through the City of Los Angeles. I was instructed to write a proposal and start a petition. From start to finish, after numerous phone calls, petitions, and meetings, it took approximately 10 months to finally install a Passenger Loading Zone.

• Fighting for justice, equality, and opportunity for a safe way to get to school has inspired me to enter the world of politics. Establishing networks to communicate well with others to accomplish in obtaining the loading zone has empowered me to seek change in my community. When I have an objective in mind, I stay focused until I can see it through and keep in mind that at the university level obstacles will be more complicated. Reflecting back I have learned about myself that I am passionate, determined, and have the dedication to make change. I am who I want to be. I have accepted the past and realized that there are specific things I cannot control. A lot of doors were shut in my face and numerous run arounds due to my age. But that did not discourage me bur rather just drove me to want to obtain the loading zone because I knew it was unjust.

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Final thoughts

Students need to remember that they:

Can create amazing essays and control this process Have two to five minutes to grab the attention of an essay reader. Need weeks, not days, to write effective college essays. Must ultimately submit what pleases them. Can develop stronger identities and sense of selves through their authentic writing

opportunities Can tell counter-narratives that push their commitment to self, family, school, community,

and world. Cannot manufacture essays; essays convey truth, unique stories, and writing skills.

Students need to remember that admission officers:

Can smell “enhanced” essays. Often say essays make or break an ultimate decision for students applying to “match

colleges.”