Managing AngerPart 2

Presented By: Tim Ervin, LCPC

Counseling for Solutions, LLC

Arlington Heights, IL. 60005

Training TopicsWhat is really behind anger: Triggers and signsHow the brain worksCognitive distortionsThe cycle of acceptanceWhen is anger considered to be a problem and how far could it affect general health?

Training TopicsThe Johari modelAssertive management and setting realistic boundariesProblem solving techniquesUsing clean languageFitting in the transactional analysis mode

Training TopicsAcknowledging psychological contractsBreathing and deep relaxation techniquesCognitive restructuring techniquesThe rational emotive theoryEmotional freedom techniques

Training TopicsIntegrated personal developmentHumor and energy psychologyWhen is it healthy to be angryGlasser’s ‘Choice Theory’Fisher’s process of personal changeSelf-help script for anger management

“Believe it is possible to solve your problems.

Tremendous things happen to the believer.

So believe the answer will come. It will.”

Norman Vincent PealeAmerican Author

10. Use Clean LanguageClean Language is a communications methodology, developed by David J Grove, a New Zealand 'Counseling Psychologist', during the 1980s and 1990s.

Use Clean LanguageClean Language offers helpful techniques to all professional communicators because they are aligned closely with modern 'enabling' principles of empathy and understanding, as opposed to traditional 'manipulative‘ methods of influencing or persuading others and projecting self-interest.

Use Clean LanguageClean Language attempts to enable our thinking (or more particularly the other person's thinking if viewed from the questioner's viewpoint) to be as pure and clear as possible so that clarity of awareness, understanding, decision-making and human relations are optimized.

You are advised to do the following:Listen very attentivelyKeep your opinions and advice to yourself when possible Ask questions to explore a person's metaphors (or everyday statements).

Clean Language Principles

Ask questions about the positive aspects of a person's experience.Ask about the things that the person wants (more of).Focus on the positives.

Clean Language Principles

Clean Language Examples1. What outcome would you like to have? (Establishing a desired outcome.)

2. What would a convenient resolution be (for that desired outcome to happen, checking the conditions needed)

3. Can this resolution, happen? (Checking that the communication partners have confidence that it can be achieved.)

“Never talk defeat. Use words like hope, belief, faith, victory.”

Norman Vincent Peale

American Author

11. Fit into the Transactional Analysis Mode

This is Eric Berne’s theory that verbal communication, particularly face to face, is at the centre of human social relationships and psychoanalysis.

Transactional AnalysisBerne also said that each person is made up of three symbolic alter ego states:The “Parent” is our 'Taught' concept of lifeThe “Adult” is our 'Thought' concept of lifeThe “Child” is our 'Felt' concept of life

Transactional AnalysisThe “Parent”: Nurturing (positive), Spoiling (negative), Controlling (positive) and Critical (negative). The “Adult”: when you use an attentive, interested, nonthreatening tone.

Transactional AnalysisThe “Child”: Co-operative (positive), Compliant/Resistant (negative). Spontaneous (positive) and Immature (negative).

To ease tension, you need to use complementary tones as such:

Parent- Child : Child-Parent

Parent – Adult : Adult - Parent

Transactional Analysis

Or Idealistically: Adult – Adult

If a Parent Versus Parent or Child versus Child transactions occur, there is a reason for anger to surge where most probably either or both parties will be upset.

12. Acknowledge Psychological Contracts These are unwritten commitments between two parties in a relationship (work, marriage, friendship, family, etc.). Parts of the expectations are spelled out or discussed and seem to be clear but unexplored areas of this contract could result in outrage or suppressed anger.

The iceberg tends to rise with maturity and length of service, increasing depth, visibility and clarity of the contract which is good for both sides.

Internal factors – each side is mostly blind to the internal factors on the other side.

Acknowledge Psychological Contracts

13. Avoiding Avoiding is a conflict resolution technique. It’s

when somebody is not willing to engage in an argument. Other forms could be retreating or postponing a decision on a problem. It’s rarely the best choice for solving problems.

14. Smoothing

Smoothing or accommodating is a conflict resolution technique where a person lays weight primarily on areas of agreement; “Let’s cool down and get the mission done”.

Compromising is a conflict resolution technique that results in pleasing both sides by practically taking a midway solution.

15. Compromising

Forcing is a conflict resolution technique often used in crises, when and if you have the required authority. You enforce a particular resolution to the problem, whether counterparts agree or not.

16. Forcing

Collaborating is a conflict resolution technique where a person can jug up several ideas and knit out a whole new idea to resolve the problem. This form of resolution requires creativity and good networking with people involved in the situation.

17. Collaboration

18. ConfrontingConflict resolution could also require confronting or problem solving. Professor Richard Nelson-Jones’ procedure called this CUDSAIR. This stands for: Confront, Understand, Define, Search, Agree, Implement and Review to make sure anger will not resurface.

19. Focus on the PresentGet your feet on the ground and be solution-oriented by focusing on the present. Bringing pains from the past or fears from the future can be distracting and overwhelming to you and others.

20. Choose Your BattlesConflicts can be draining to your time and energy. So it’s important to consider whether the issue is really worth your attention. If you pick your battles rather than fighting over every little thing, others will take you more seriously when you are upset.

21. Be Willing to ForgiveIt's unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want at all times. Think of forgiveness as releasing yourself from the bitter and painful feelings that consume your positive energy. Think of yourself as strong and capable of lightly bearing with people’s weaknesses.

“Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.”

Cherie Carter- ScottHuman Development Pioneer

22. Know When to Let Something Go

When you are unable to come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep a fight going on. If the discussion is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on.

23. Perform a Reality CheckWhen you start getting upset about something, pause for a second to think about the situation. Ask yourself: What am I really angry about?Does this issue influence other important factors in my life? Is it really worth getting angry about?

Perform a Reality CheckIs it worth ruining the rest of my day? What is the most effective response to this situation? Is there anything I can do about it? Is taking action worth my time?

“It is your conviction which compels you;

that is, choice compels choice.”

EpictetusGreek Philosopher

24. Set Realistic Tolerance Boundaries

Look at the way you think. Talk to people around you about your expectations and life- standards that you wish to compromise. See if your feet are on the ground and make sure you are not asking for more than what you can get.

25. Run Away When NecessaryIf you note any ‘Communication Blockers’ discontinue the dialogue and retreat -physically-immediately. Taking into consideration that you will re-tackle the problem again when the air gets cleared.

Run Away When NecessaryAvoid people, places, and situations that bring out your worst.

26. Suppressing and Recreating AngerSuppress your anger and redirect it to come up with a more constructive behavior.

The trick is if you suppress anger without redirecting it; because this could intensify and/or cause passive-aggressive behaviors or even diseases.

Suppressing and Recreating AngerTry to turn anger into something positive like many artists who get their original inspiration from suppressed feelings. So don’t resist the temptation of writing a diary, painting, singing, or playing an instrument. Some are even triggered by anger to make unique inventions.

27. YogaNon exhausting, slow yoga exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.

Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.

28. BreatheSimple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."

Breathe

Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as “I am okay”, “relax”, “take it easy”… Repeat these to yourself while breathing deeply.

Breathe

Try the 4 – 2 – 8 Breathing Exercise:

Count till 4: Deep, slow breath in (inhale)

Count till 2: While holding your breath

Exhale Slowly: Counting till 8

29. Exercise

Physical activity stimulates various brain chemicals that can leave you feeling happier and more relaxed than you were before you worked out.

30. Relaxation Exercises

Relaxation exercises are mood corrective techniques to ease off some latent steam. These exercises can also be practiced as a preventive technique.

Stretch or massage areas of tension. Roll your shoulders if you are tensing them, or gently massage your neck and scalp.

Relaxation Exercises