5 Handy Tips

To Write Better

Jonathan Rick @jrick

Write the

way you

speak

ORIGINAL

The CONNECT software provides a common gateway

which manages services that package and transport

data using messaging protocols compliant with NHIN

specifications.

REVISION

The CONNECT software is a “common gateway,” or a

sentinel that checks the credentials of every datum

that seeks to pass through it. As long as the data are

using messaging protocols that comply with NHIN,

CONNECT gives them permission to proceed.

Omit

Needless

Words

ORIGINAL

Included below and attached you will find media

articles that address issues that may be pertinent to

the work the P&R IM staff is conducting.

REVISION

The technicians are processing the work orders.

ORIGINAL

The technicians are working on the processing of work

orders.

REVISION

Please find below and attached articles that pertain to

P&R IM.

ORIGINAL

I’m curious to know if these slides were coordinated

with anyone from the MHS for accuracy purposes.

REVISION

Did anyone coordinate these slides with MHS for

accuracy?

ORIGINAL

Fifty-five-year old retired Army Colonel, Ben Wright,

was working at a U.S. Army installation after having

served over thirty years in the Army. During a periodic

exam at his local Army Community Hospital, he spoke

with his personal physician about the increasingly

intense pain in his right hand which was no longer

responding to pain medication. A visiting hand surgeon

from a nationally recognized Army Medical Center met

with Colonel Wright the following week and X-rays

showed extreme arthritis in his thumb joint.

REVISION

After 30 years in the Army, Colonel Ben Wright

decided to retire at an Army installation in the

Northeast. During a periodic exam at his local Army

Community Hospital, he complained about an

increasingly intense pain in his right hand, which was

no longer responding to medication. A visiting hand

surgeon was brought in, and X-rays revealed extreme

arthritis in his thumb. Surgery was recommended.

Favor the

Active

Voice

ORIGINAL

The report was written by multiple, cross-agency

stakeholder groups.

REVISION #1

Multiple, cross-agency stakeholder groups wrote the

report.

REVISION #2

Stakeholders across various agencies wrote the

report.

ORIGINAL

It was concluded that additional briefings were needed

for feedback to be solicited.

REVISION #1

Identifying the need for further feedback, the co-chairs

conducted additional briefings.

REVISION #2

Because they needed more feedback, the co-chairs

conducted more briefings.

Sometimes, due to client

sensitivities and other

factors, the action completed

is more important than who

completed it.

Use

Specifics

ORIGINAL

When a major weather incident, terrorist threat, or

other emergency affects the American population,

emergency personnel need a way to inform residents

of what to do. Television and radio alerts help spread

the word, but they cannot reach everyone. Fortunately,

many people carry another method of

communication—a cellular phone. In the future, a

message could be broadcasted to cellular and paging

devices to notify the public of an approaching storm or

other emergency.

REVISION

When a major emergency—a tornado, a bomb threat,

the snowpocalypse that recently blanketed the

Eastern seaboard—breaks out, people panic. Should I

evacuate or shelter in place? For how long should I

take cover in the bathtub? If inside, you can flip on a

TV or radio. If outside, you can congregate and chat.

Yet what’s the one thing most of us carry regardless of

where we are—the one thing we’re most likely to grab

in an emergency? Hint: 91% of Americans own one.

That’s right—it’s your cell phone. Portable and

powerful, your cell phone is the perfect vehicle through

which emergency responders can beam critical,

urgent info to you before, during, and after a disaster.

Tell a

Story

ORIGINAL

On the day prior to surgery, COL Wright underwent routine pre-

operative procedures at his local Army Community Hospital, during

which the radiologist noticed an abnormality in the electrocardiogram

which immediately postponed the surgery. COL Wright was then

directed to a Regional Private Hospital to meet with a cardiologist and

undergo a complete screening before being cleared for surgery.

Over the next month, COL Wright hand-carried his records back and

forth from the Army Community Hospital to the private hospital for

several screening sessions, including X-rays, CT scans, and stress

tests, until he was finally cleared for surgery. While phone calls and

faxes may have been used to communicate his medical information,

with no electronic records sharing between the Army facilities and the

private hospital, hand-carrying his records and test results was the only

way COL Wright could be certain his most current medical information

was shared between the private cardiologist and the Army surgeon.

REVISION

On the day before the operation, Colonel Wright underwent pre-

operative procedures, during which the radiologist noticed an

abnormality in the electrocardiogram. As a result, the colonel was sent

to a regional private hospital to meet with a cardiologist and undergo a

complete screening.

So far, so normal—except for one thing: It turns out that a military

hospital and its civilian counterpart don’t share information that well.

Indeed, as Colonel Wright soon learned, phone calls and e-mails

notwithstanding, the only way both the cardiologist and the surgeon

could share his current medical info was if he hand-carried the

paperwork between their two facilities. Efficient, this was not.