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Y OUR GRIEF:
Y OU'RE NOT GOING CRAZY
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1
Y OUR GRIEF: Y OU'RE
NOT GOING CRAZY
It is dificult to imagine themagnitude o !ain
associated "ith the t#aumatic death o
a lo$ed one%
&hen someone is illed suddenl(
and $iolentl()
g#ie #eactions o amil( and #iends
can *e intense)
com!licated) and long lasting% I (ou#
lo$ed one "as illed in a d#un d#i$ing
c#ash) (ou ma( eel ang#ie# than (ou
ha$e e$e# elt and sadde# than (ou
thought !ossi*le% You ma( ha$e sca#(
thoughts and (ou ma( do st#ange
things% You ma( *e a#aid (ou a#e +going
c#a,(%+ G#ie$ing the death o (ou#
lo$ed one can eel so o$e#"helming
that (ou ma( -uestion (ou# o"n
sanit(%
Fo# man( !eo!le g#ie isuncha#ted te##ito#(
and can *e $e#( unsettling%
Unde#standing mo#ea*out (ou# g#ie "ill not change ho"
(ou eel a*out the death o (ou# lo$ed
one) *ut it ma( hel! (ou to eel mo#e
como#ta*le "ith the !#ocess%
A N T I C I PAT E D D E AT H V E RS U S
T R A U M AT I C D E AT
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H
Anticipated
Death
G#ie$ing the sudden death o a lo$edone is t(!icall(
dife#ent than the e.!e#ience o
g#ie$ing anantici!ated death% &hen the death o
a lo$ed one
is e.!ected) !eo!le oten *egin to eel
the efects othe loss *eo#e the death actuall( occu#s%
Collecti$el() these #eactions a#e #ee##ed
to as antici!ato#( g#ie%
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W hen a lo$ed one is diagnosed "itha te#minal
illness) amil( and #iends ma( #eact
"ith dis*elie%
The( ma( see se$e#al medical
o!inions to
su*stantiate the !#ognosis% As death
a!!#oaches)
the( ma( *ecome ang#(/ ang#( that
mode#n science
can de$elo! machines as mi#aculous
as com!ute#s
*ut cannot 0nd a cu#e o# a !a#ticula#
disease% The( ma( *e sad and
de!#essed as the( ace the act that
thei# lo$ed one "ill die) (et long o#
#elie as the( "atch thei# lo$ed one
sufe#%
The acno"ledgement that death isimminent
eithe# *#ings !eo!le close# togethe# o# it
causes them
to distance themsel$es emotionall(%
Eithe# "a()
antici!ato#( g#ie is *elie$ed to cushion
the im!act%
Togethe# the !e#son "ho is d(ing and
the !eo!le
the( lo$e ha$e an o!!o#tunit( to #esol$e
eelings and #elate lo$ingl( *eo#e death
occu#s%
Famil( and #iends a#e otensu#!#ised to lea#n
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that the( go th#ough man( o the same
eelings o
dis*elie) ange#) and sadness ate#
thei# lo$ed one
dies% G#ie$ing an antici!ated death can
tae se$e#al
months o# se$e#al (ea#s% 1ost !eo!le
0nd that i the( allo" thei# emotions
to 2o" and the( tal
o!enl( a*out thei# loss) the !ain "ill
dec#ease) little
*( little% Those "ho attem!t to den(
thei# g#ie
and !#etend that nothing has
ha!!ened ma( ha$e mo#e dificult(%
It is tem!ting to la*elantici!ato#( g#ie as
+no#mal g#ie)+ *ut e" !eo!le) e$en
in the *esto ci#cumstances) eel +no#mal+ as
the( g#ie$e%
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3o"e$e#) the !e#son "ho can antici!ate
a death ma(#eact dife#entl( than the !e#son "ho
has no time to !#e!a#e%
Traumatic
Death
A sudden death is usuall( mo#e dificultto co!e "ith
than an e.!ected death% &hen a
!e#son is $iolentl( illed) the death is
e$en mo#e t#aumatic% 4u#$i$ing
amil( mem*e#s and #iends a#e
emotionall( assaulted
"ith no time to g#aduall( !#e!a#e o#
the loss% You
could ha$e ne$e# !#e!a#ed o# the
inca!acitating *lo" caused *( (ou# lo$ed
one's t#aumatic death%
Violence of te De!t" You# lo$ed one'sdeath "as
$iolent% 3is o# he# *od( ma( ha$e
*een mutilated%
5no"ing this ma( *e mo#e !ainul o#
(ou than the
e.!e#ience "as o# the one "ho "as
illed% &hen
!eo!le a#e se#iousl( in6u#ed the(
usuall( go into
shoc and do not e.!e#ience !ain% 1an(
!eo!le "ho
ha$e #eco$e#ed #om t#auma do not
#emem*e# the
!oint o im!act) "hethe# it "as #om an
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automo*ile c#ash) a gunshot "ound) o#
othe# o#m o t#auma% In
act) most sa( that it "as some time
*eo#e the( elt
!ain) e$en i the( d#ited in and out o
consciousness%
E $en so) (ou !#o*a*l( "ouldha$e done
an(thing to !#e$ent the $iolation o (ou#
lo$ed one's
*od(% You g#ie$e the loss o (ou# lo$edone's *od(
and ma( dee!l( #esent the act
that it "as not #es!ected *( the
ille#%
#ecause o the condition o (ou#lo$ed one's
*od() (ou ma( not ha$e *een a*le to
$ie" it at the
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hos!ital o# une#al home% As a #esult)
(ou ma( *e#el(ing on antasies to o#m a !ictu#e
o ho" he o# she looed% You ma( e$en
ha$e dou*ts that (ou#
lo$ed one died and ma( 0nd (ou#sele.!ecting him
o# he# to "al th#ough the doo# o#
call on the tele!hone%
Man( !eo!le "ho "e#e a*le to $ie" the *od(
o thei# lo$ed one a#e glad the( did%
3o"e$e#) the#e
a#e othe# "a(s to *e assu#ed o the
#ealit( o thei#
death% The la" eno#cement agenc( that
in$estigated
the c#ash !#o*a*l( too !hotos o the
c#ash% These
!hotos ma( *e at the !#osecuto#'s ofice%
The medical
e.amine# o# the une#al home ma( also
ha$e !hotos i (ou "ish to $ie" them%
Sen$ele$$ne$$ of te De!t" Anothe# dificult
com!onent o t#aumatic death is the
senselessness o (ou# lo$ed one's death%
7eo!le gene#all( unde#stand
that death occu#s "hen *odies g#o"
old o# a#e no
longe# a*le to 0ght disease% You# lo$ed
one's death) ho"e$e#) "as clea#l(
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someone's ault% The act that someone
chose to *e so negligent and #ecless
maes no sense at all% 5no"ing that
(ou# lo$ed one's death
could ha$e *een !#e$ented ma( *e one
o the most !ainul as!ects o (ou#
g#ie$ing%
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U N D E R S TA N D I N G G R I
E F
The Importance of Relationships
8eath is acce!ted as an ine$ita*ilit(o lie% 1ost
o us unde#stand that "ith the death o
a lo$ed one
comes !ain and sufe#ing% 3o"e$e#) in
o#de# to ull( a!!#eciate the im!act o
death) "e must conside# the
signi0cance o human #elationshi!s%
The deg#ee o !ain and sufe#ingthat ollo"s
a death is di#ectl( #elated to the
natu#e o the
#elationshi! *et"een the su#$i$o# and
the !e#son
"ho died% &ithout the #elationshi!) the
death "ould ca##( no meaning and cause
no sufe#ing%
W hen a !a#tne# dies) the $ictim9su#$i$o#
has lost a *est #iend) lo$e#) !#ima#(
con0dant) and
!e#ha!s) co!a#ent% I (ou# !a#tne#
"as illed)
(ou lost such an essential !a#t o
(ou#sel that (ou
ma( eel incom!lete and
a*andoned% 1aing
ma6o# decisions alone "hile
maintaining a amil(
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can *e e.t#emel( dificult% Facing
0nancial
#es!onsi*ilities "ithout (ou# !a#tne#'s
in!ut ma( add to (ou# *u#den%
W e tend to $ie" ou# !a#ents asimmo#tal%
&e antici!ate that i and "hen ou#!a#ents die) thei#
deaths "ill *e !eaceul and !leasant% I
a !a#ent "as
illed) no matte# ho" old he o# she"as) (ou ma( dee!l( #eg#et that thei#
death "as an undigni0ed
one% Although some ma( sa( +3e li$ed a
good lie)+ it ma( eel "#ong that (oucould not sa( +Than (ou
o# all (ou ha$e done o# me+ o#
+Good*(e%+
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Si*ling #elationshi!s a#edistincti$e in that
the( oten last a lietime% ;#othe#s and
siste#s sha#e
simila# e.!e#iences and
conse-uentl( sha#e a
common histo#(% E$en "hen a si*ling
dies du#ing childhood) the su#$i$ing
si*ling tends to #ee# to
that !e#son as *#othe# o# siste#% I (ou#
si*ling "as
illed) thei# death *#ings an end to a
signi0cant
#elationshi!% You# *#othe# o# siste#
"as (ou# !la(mate) (ou#
!#otecto#) (ou# #iend%
The uni-ue connection *et"een!a#ent and
child lea$es a !a#ent es!eciall(
$ulne#a*le% 3o"e$e#
unnatu#al) un6ust) o# illogical it
ma( seem) a
child ma( die *eo#e a !a#ent does%
&hen the $e#(
essence o !a#enting is !#otecting
and assu#ing lie) the sudden and
$iolent death o a child in a
d#un d#i$ing c#ash is nothing less than
de$astating%
This is t#ue "hethe# o# not the child
"as (oung o# an adult%
R ega#dless o (ou# #elationshi!"ith the one
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"ho "as illed) the shoc can *e
o$e#"helming%
As human *eings) "e o#m st#ong
!h(sical and
emotional *onds to othe#s% &hen these
!h(sical and emotional attachments a#e
se$e#ed) "e #eact in "a(s
to co!e "ith the loss *( g#ie$ing% You
miss (ou#
lo$ed one's !h(sical
!#esenceMany peoplestrugglefor monthsandyears beforethey feelresolution to
their grief.
as "ell as thei#!e#sonalit(
and
s!i#it%
G#ie is not ane$ent *ut
a !#ocess o e.!e#iencing the
!h(sical) emotional)mental) social) and s!i#itual efects
o a death o#
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othe# loss% G#ie #eactions a#e
common to most!eo!le although each !e#son g#ie$es
in thei# o"n
"a( and in thei# o"n time% 3o" (ou
g#ie$e de!endson a num*e# o things) including:
!#io# co!ing
sills) -ualit( o the #elationshi! "ith
the !e#son
"ho "as illed) ci#cumstances
su##ounding the
death) emotional su!!o#t #om amil(
and #iends) and cultu#al *acg#ound%
F#iends and e$en some amil(mem*e#s ma(
*e ill !#e!a#ed to su!!o#t (ou "hile
(ou g#ie$e%
1an( !eo!le "ho attem!t to
como#t $ictims9 su#$i$o#s) including
some !#oessionals) do not
unde#stand that intense and long
lasting g#ie a#e a!!#o!#iate o#
$ictims o d#un d#i$ing c#ashes%
4econda#( $ictimi,ations can add to
the t#auma "hen su#$i$o#s e.!e#ience
#e6ection #om societ(
o# callousness #om se#$ices and
!#og#ams that a#e su!!osed to hel!
them%
GRIEF R ESPONSES
Physical
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Symptoms
8u#ing the 0#st si. months to a (ea#ate# a atal
c#ash) !eo!le a#e $ulne#a*le to
!h(sical illness%
1edical e.!e#ts ha$e ound e$idence
that intense
g#ie "eaens the immune s(stem%
The#e is also
e$idence that !eo!le *eset *( g#ie
*ecome $ulne#a*le
to othe# so#ts o accidents)
*ecause the( a#e
!#eoccu!ied "ith thei# loss% 7h(sical
com!laints)
aches and illness a#e all common in
!eo!le "ho a#e g#ie$ing% You# *od('s
immune s(stem is "o#ing
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o$e#time) and (ou ma( eel "o#n out%
This is (ou#*od('s #eaction to the t#auma (ou ha$e
e.!e#ienced%
Y ou ma( ha$e dificult( slee!ing)
o# (ou ma(
"ant to slee! all the time% You ma( eel
nauseous and
Maintain
regularcontact withyourphysician for ayearor two to be surethat
you do notacquirea stress-relatedphysicalcondition.
-uit eating) o# eel
#a$enous and eat
e$e#(thing in sight%
&hate$e# (ou a#e
eeling)
(ou a#e not imagining
things%
8u#ing this ea#l(
!e#iod o
g#ie) eat "ell) get !lent( o #est) and
see (ou# docto# i the !#o*lems !e#sist%
Some !eo!le 0nd the !ain toodificult
and tu#n to alcohol o# d#ugs to
ease the !ain%
Uno#tunatel() the#e is no eas( 0. to
mae the loss
easie# to *ea#% Alcohol and d#ugs
*oth a#e liel(
to mae the situation mo#e dificult to
co!e "ith) *ecause *oth "ill
cont#i*ute to i##ational thoughts and
de!#essed moods%
Y ou ma( need sho#tte#m
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medication
!#esc#i*ed *( (ou# docto# to hel! (ou
eat o# slee!
"hile g#ie$ing% I so) do not conside# it
a "eaness%
You ha$e sufe#ed se$e#e t#auma
and dese#$e
!#oessional hel! to *egin eeling
*ette#% You "ill
!#o*a*l( need the hel! o !#esc#i*ed
medication onl( o# a sho#t time% E$en i
(ou don't "ant to eel *ette# (et) (ou o"e
it to (ou#sel and (ou# amil( to sta( in
good health%
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Denial
8enial is a "onde#ul thing% It is themind's "a( o
*ufe#ing the ull im!act o a t#auma
until it can *e a*so#*ed% U!on lea#ning
that a lo$ed one has *een
illed) most !eo!le a#e #ende#ed
too "ea to
unde#tae the o$e#"helming tas
o g#ie$ing%
W hen (ou hea#d o (ou# lo$edone's death)
(ou ma( ha$e gone into shoc% Going
into shoc
is something lie eeling the efects
o a gene#al
anesthetic% &ith the hel! o a
-uic s!u#t o
ad#enaline and othe# chemicals in
(ou# *#ain) (ou# initial #es!onse ma(
ha$e *een +0ght+ o# +2ight%+ Fighte#s
sometimes sc#eam so the( "on't hea#
the
message o# !h(sicall( attac the
!e#son "ho has deli$e#ed the *ad
ne"s% Those "hose #eaction is
+2ight+ ma( aint o# #un to t#( to
esca!e the !ain%
R ega#dless o the initial im!act) i (ou a#e lie
most !eo!le) (ou soon ound (ou#sel
in a state o
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num*ness%
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a !e#son to t#a$el th#ough g#ie at thei#
o"n !ace andse#$es them "ell until the( a#e
st#onge# and *ette# a*le to co!e% It is
im!ossi*le to !ush th#ough an(
!a#t o g#ie$ing in o#de# to get o$e# it% I (ou cannot thin clea#l() i (ou seem
o#getul and detached) *e !atient "ith
(ou#sel% I (ou need hel!) as o# it%
Fear/Vulnerability
1an( $ictims9su#$i$o#s a#e su#!#ised to0nd that the(
eel an.ious) ea#ul) and !o"e#less
ate# the $iolent death o a lo$ed one%
;eo#e the c#ash) (ou ma( ha$e
assumed (ou "e#e immune to
c#ime% No" (ou
ma( eel that lie is out o *alance and
that the "o#ld
no longe# maes sense% The !a#t o
(ou that "as
!#e$iousl( con0dent and ca#e#ee has
*een damaged%
W e tend to *elie$e that goodthings ha!!en
to good !eo!le and *ad things ha!!en to
*ad !eo!le%
Fo# (ou) this *elie no longe# maes
sense% Instead
(ou ma( eel that (ou and (ou#
#emaining lo$ed ones a#e mo#e
$ulne#a*le than othe# !eo!le% It is
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im!o#tant to thin #ationall( and "o#
ha#d to #is
going out) e$en "hen it #ightens (ou%
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mem*e# o# #iend) o# e$en at
themsel$es o# notha$ing !#e$ented the un!#e$enti*le%
You ma( e$en *e ang#( at e$e#(thing
and e$e#(one%
Y ou ma( "ish des!e#atel( that the!e#son "ho
illed (ou# lo$ed one "ould sho" some
#emo#se and
sa( +I'm so##(%+ That !#o*a*l( "on't
ha!!en% 1an(
ofende#s do not eel #emo#se
although some a#e
indeed so##(% 3o"e$e#) thei# atto#ne(s
"a#n them
to mae no contact "ith the $ictim's
amil( *ecause such contact can *e
conside#ed an admission o guilt%
The in6ustice o (ou# lo$ed one'sdeath) the
dee! hu#t (ou eel) and the loss o utu#e
d#eams ma(
all add u! to #age% 1ost o the
things (ou thin
a*out doing must #emain undone) lie
ha#ming the ofende#% It is im!o#tant
not to act dest#ucti$el( in #es!onse to
(ou# ange#%
Man( !eo!le 0nd it *ene0cial total "ith
someone a*out eelings o ange# o#
#age% E.!#essing
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these eelings can #ee the mind)
ena*ling (ou to *e mo#e o!en and
#ealistic in (ou# thining and
!lanning o# the utu#e% 7h(sical acti$it(
oten hel!s%
4ome !eo!le #un) e.e#cise
$igo#ousl() o# clean
house% Othe#s "#ite in 6ou#nals o#
"#ite lette#s to
the ofende#) "hich a#e *ette# let
unsent% 4ome c#( and (ell and sc#eam%
&hat (ou do "ith (ou# ange#
#eall( does not matte# as long as (ou
acno"ledge
it and (ou do not hu#t (ou#sel o#an(one else in e.!#essing it%
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12
Y ou# ange# ma( *e se#$ing adee!e# !u#!ose)
a !#oound sadness% E$en though ange#
does not eel
good) it can seem less !ainul than
sadness% Ange# can eithe# *e ocused
on someone else o# it can *e
di#ected in a "ide s!ect#um) not
seeming to attach
to an(one o# an(thing% 4adness is (ou#s%
It is ocused
"ithin% You "ill e$entuall( need to
gi$e u! some
o the ange#) #age) and $engeance to
e.!e#ience the sadness unde#neath it%
Y ou ma( thin that (ou o"e it to (ou# lo$ed
one to #emain ang#(% &hat (ou do "ith
(ou# ange#
and "hen (ou decide to loo *eneath
it a#e u! to (ou% &hen (ou decide to
loo *eneath the ange#
(ou ma( 0nd intense agon(% ;( *eing
"illing to ace it (ou ma( 0nd some
#elie%
Guilt
Ange# #e-uentl( *ecomes guilt o$e#time% Guilt
is eeling someho" #es!onsi*le o#"hat ha!!ened)
o# thining that (ou didn't do
enough in the
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#elationshi! "hile (ou# lo$ed one
"as ali$e% You ma( sa( to (ou#sel) +I
onl( I had no"n)+ o# +I onl( I told
him I lo$ed him%+ Guilt in$ol$es a lot
o +should ha$es+ o# +should not ha$es%+
Reg#ets a#e no#mal) *ut (ou cannot
change the !ast%
Possi*l( the toughest 6o* (ou"ill ha$e in
g#ie$ing is to loo #ationall( at ho"
(ou# *eliesmae (ou eel guilt(% You ma()
indeed) *e
#es!onsi*le o# some com!onent o (ou#
lo$ed one's death% I so) acno"ledge itand see i (ou can 0nd
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13
a "a( to o#gi$e (ou#sel% I (ou
made a *ad 6udgment) (ou !#o*a*l( made the *est
one (ou ne" ho" to mae at the time%
T#( not to e.agge#ate (ou# #ole in (ou#
lo$ed one's death%
In most cases) othe# acto#s"e#e la#gel(
#es!onsi*le o# (ou# lo$ed one's death%
The !e#son
"ho illed (ou# lo$ed one "as
negligent% Fo#ces o
natu#e also !la( a #ole% One la" o
natu#e is that
"hen t"o !o"e#ul o!!osing o#ces
collide one o# *oth a#e dest#o(ed%
Taling "ith othe#s "hoha$e some
unde#standing o (ou# e.!e#ience can
hel! (ou loo
at (ou# guilt #ealisticall(% It "ill *e
ha#d "o# o#
them and o# (ou% Feeling less guilt(
"ill not tae a"a( (ou# sadness o#
(ou# ange#) *ut it can *e a *ig load of
(ou# shoulde#s% It "ill *e "o#th the
efo#t to #id (ou#sel o it%
Faith/Philosophyof ife
7eo!le "ho ha$e ne$e# thought a*outGod *eo#e
ma( do so in the "ae o t#auma%
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inte#e#ing "ith (ou#
a*ilities to unction *oth !h(sicall( and
emotionall(%
Relationshi!s "ith amil( and #iends
ma( *e in 6eo!a#d(% These eelings
ma( lead to thoughts o
suicide o# death and i the( do) it is
time to as o# hel! immediatel(%
Clinical de!#ession and an.iet( can *e
de*ilitating *ut a#e $e#( t#eata*le%
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
&hen !eo!le a#e e.!osed to at#aumatic e$ent the(
#e-uentl( sufe# !s(chologicalconse-uences) such as
de!#ession o# an.iet(% Additionall()
some !eo!le
e.!e#ience #ecu##ent and ongoing#ecollections o the t#auma) "hich can
o*$iousl( lead to dist#ess%
Y ou ma( *e d#i$ing in (ou# ca#
and suddenl(ha$e thoughts o the c#ash o#
!e#cei$e sensations
=images) smells> that +*#ing (ou *ac+
to the c#ash% You ma( "aeu! in the middle o the
night in a !anic due to a nightma#e%
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15
Moments lie these t(!icall(come a*out
"ithout "a#ning and o$e# time can
cause (ou to
a$oid situations that (ou connect "ith
the c#ash o#
these #ecu##ences% You ma( eel on
edge) an.ious)
al"a(s #ead( to #eact% Recollections
can eel so
!ainul and sca#( that the( dis#u!t
(ou# no#mal acti$ities and
#elationshi!s%
V ehicula# c#ashes a#e sometimes"itnessed *(
amil( o# #iends% 4hoc) num*ness)
and #age a#e
no#mal #eactions to "itnessing such a
$iolent e$ent%
The mind's $isual im!#int o the
scene can *e o$e#"helming and
long lasting%
T#auma $ictims9su#$i$o#s "hoconsistentl(
e.!e#ience all o these s(m!toms o#
at least one
month o# longe# ma( *e sufe#ing
#om 7ost
T#aumatic 4t#ess 8iso#de# =7T48>%
7T48 is an
an.iet( diso#de# that is diagnosed *(
mental health
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!#oessionals% I (ou *elie$e (ou ma(
*e sufe#ing
#om 7T48 it is im!o#tant to see
!#oessional hel!
as 7T48 is t#eata*le "ith a com*ination
o the#a!ies%
P#oessional counselo#s can hel!difuse the
im!act o these memo#ies *( !#o$iding
emotional
su!!o#t as the e.!e#ience is #eli$ed)using techni-ues
to hel! #ecall the memo#( "ith less
ho##o#% &ith
hel!) !ositi$e memo#ies o the lo$ed one"ill #e!lace the dist#essing memo#ies%
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16
COPING
&hen a lo$ed one is illed) some !eo!leeel that the(
"ill ne$e# *e ha!!( again% 4ome
$ictims9su#$i$o#s
go th#ough a !e#iod o time "hen the(
a#e not #ead( to eel *ette#% Othe#s a#e
eage# to eel *ette# and "o#
to 0nd "a(s to do it% &hethe# (ou a#e
#ead( to eel *ette# o# not) (ou might
"ant to loo to othe#s "ho ha$e
su#$i$ed the o#deal and ha$e managed
to #egain
st#ength and 0nd ha!!iness again%
The( can *e encou#aging models%
The "o#ld is o#e$e# changed
"hen someonee.!e#iences a t#auma% 4aet() secu#it()
!#edicta*ilit()
and sense o cont#ol a#e all disto#ted%
In o#de# to #egain a mo#e accu#ate!e#s!ecti$e o the "o#ld
a#ound (ou) (ou can "o# to"a#d an
unde#standing o the c#ash%
This sea#ch o# meaningin$ol$es
acno"ledging (ou# t#auma and
asing -uestions%
At times the#e a#e no ans"e#s *ut it isnonetheless im!o#tant to get ans"e#s
to those (ou can% Asing s!eci0c
-uestions a*out the c#ash and
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o*taining a co!( o the c#ash #e!o#t
a#e "a(s to *egin%
In$estigating !otential 0nancial#esou#ces can
hel! alle$iate some o the 0nancial
st#esso#s (ou a#e
e.!e#iencing%
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17
A s "ith the man( challenges "eace in lie
the methods o co!ing (ou choose
can eithe# *e
!#oducti$e o#
damaging% The( Coping Tips:
can *e eithe# health(
o# sel•Tell your story"o#erand o#er
again$•Get support
from a
professionalcounselor
or supportgroup in your area" if you feel youare ready$
•%rite
about
youre!perience in a &ournal$
•See'
information
about yourlo#ed one(scrash" to
ans)er thoseunans)ered*uestions$
•+nderstan
d that
e#eryonegrie#esdi,erently"
and be
especially sensiti#e to family members )homay be grie#ingdi,erently than you$
• Rein#est in life by
reaching out to others$
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deeating%Co!ingis an
attem!t to
ada!t (ou#
ne"
ci#cumst
ances
into (ou#
e.isting lie
and (ou
ma( t#( a
$a#iet( o
means to
achie$e
this/
some that
"o# and
othe#s
that do not%
Y ou# lie "ill
not *ethe same as it "as
*eo#e (ou#
lo$ed one "as illed%
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emotional e-ui$alent
to the intense g#ie that most
$ictims9su#$i$o#s
e.!e#ience o# the 0#st months o#
(ea#s% A sense o so##o" is not the
same as *eing o$e#"helmed *( g#ie%
W hile the initial #es!onses to thedeath a#e
de0ned *( the te#m g#ie) mou#ning
#ee#s to the
inte#nal !#ocesses associated "ithada!ting to lie
"ithout (ou# lo$ed one% 4ome ha$e
desc#i*ed
mou#ning as a +mist( og on lie%+ You a#enot al"a(s a"a#e) (et (ou #eali,e that
lie is not -uite as *#ight)
not -uite as light as it "as *eo#e% You#
$alues ma(ha$e changed and (ou ma( *e
im!atient "ith things (ou deem
unim!o#tant o# t#i$ial%
It is liel( that (ou "ille.!e#ience t"inges
o g#ie #om time to time o# man(
(ea#s% ?ictims9
su#$i$o#s a#e oten su#!#ised to 0ndthat in the midst
o a se#ies o good da(s) something
*#ings on an
e!isode o g#ie% 4t#ange as it ma(seem) these
e!isodes o g#ie can *e unde#stood as
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cele*#ations) cele*#ations o a
#elationshi! that meant so much to
(ou that e!isodes o g#ie can still
o$e#come (ou #om time to time%
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19
A nni$e#sa#ies) holida(s) and*i#thda(s oten
t#igge# #eminde#s o the death o#
a*sence o (ou#
lo$ed one% 7e#ha!s the most
signi0cant and most
dificult anni$e#sa#( is that o the
c#ash% The annual date o the c#ash
ma( cause antici!ato#( an.iet( and
can cont#i*ute to #ene"ed g#ie o#
$ictims9su#$i$o#s%
The 0#st anni$e#sa#( "ill mostliel( *e the
most !ainul/ ho"e$e#) it ma( also *e an
o!!o#tunit(
to #es!ond to the death in a manne#
that "as denied at the time o the
c#ash% Commemo#ating (ou# lo$ed
one's death on this da( hel!s e$e#(one
to cele*#ate the lie that "as lost%
Othe# annual cele*#ations) such asCh#istmas)
Thansgi$ing) and 1othe#'s 8a( "ill
continue to
tae !lace (ea# ate# (ea#% In the !ast
these times o 6o( *#ought (ou# amil(
togethe#% No" and o#e$e# the( "ill
t#igge# memo#ies o (ou# lo$ed one%
Toda( these holida(s "ill *edificult) *ut
late# "ill !#o$ide (ou "ith #easons to
#eminisce and
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*egin ne" #ituals% 7lanning ahead
o# holida(s
and *i#thda(s not onl( allo"s (ou to
!#e!a#e o# those e$ents) *ut also
!#o$ides ongoing and o!en
communication *et"een amil(
mem*e#s%
A s time !asses) the memo#iesassociated
"ith (ou# lo$ed one "ill no longe#
e$oe the sameintensel( !ainul thoughts and
eelings% The loss "ill tae on ne"
meaning and the conte.t o (ou#
#elationshi! "ill change% E$entuall( (ou"ill de$elo! a #ene"ed !e#s!ecti$e o
the "o#ld a#ound (ou%
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20
HEA%ING
Getting -etter
You "ill ne$e# o#get "hat ha!!ened% I (ou a#e a#aid
to get *ette# *ecause (ou thin (ou
might o#get (ou#
lo$ed one) no" that (ou "ill ne$e#
o#get% You "ill
al"a(s che#ish the memo#( o (ou#
lo$ed one% You "ill al"a(s #eg#et that
(ou "e#e una*le to sha#e lie
"ith him o# he# o# man( mo#e (ea#s%
In time (ou
"ill #emem*e# the ha!!( memo#ies
mo#e oten than the !ainul ones that 0ll
(ou# mind no"%
Nea#l( all $ictims9su#$i$o#s a#ea*le to sa(
that the( a#e g#ateul the( sha#ed
lie "ith thei#lo$ed one as long as the( did) #athe#
than "ishing
he o# she had ne$e# *een *o#n% To
e.!e#ience de!thso sadness and heights o 6o( is to *e
ull( ali$e)
ull( human% 1ost !eo!le a#e glad the(
a#e ca!a*leo ha$ing st#ong eelings% 3a$ing
eelings means that denial and
num*ness a#e no longe# necessa#(
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and the ullness o the e.!e#ience o the
t#auma can *e a*so#*ed%
Getting bettermeans.
• 4ol$ing !#o*lems and
com!leting tass in
(ou# dail( "o# #outineagain/
• 4lee!ing "ell and ha$ing
ene#g( again/
• Feeling good enough a*out
(ou#sel to *eho!eul a*out the #est o
(ou# lie/
• ;eing a*le to en6o( the
!leasu#a*le and
*eautiul things in lieagain%
Y ou !#o*a*l( "ill *e a*le toachie$e these in
time% Fo# most !eo!le it taes (ea#s
and ha#d "o#%
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21
Focus on
ife
Othe# com!onents o healing a#e aninc#eased ocus
on lie and a dec#eased ocus on death%
Ea#l( in (ou#
g#ie (ou ma( ha$e elt that (ou *a#el(
e.isted% &hen
othe#s told (ou to chee# u! and get on
"ith (ou# lie the#e seemed to *e an
un"illingness to sha#e in (ou# g#ie
6ou#ne(% You ma( eel disa!!ointed)
#ust#ated)
and ang#( at thei# lac o sensiti$it( and
unde#standing%
Ultimatel() (ou "ill ha$e todecide "hen
it is #ight to gi$e mo#e o (ou#
attention to li$ing%
You can use (ou# g#ie to continue to
d#ag (ou do"n)
o# (ou can use it to #e*uild (ou# lie)
!#o*a*l( "ith
mo#e com!assion and
unde#standing than (ou had *eo#e%
Y ou ma( unde#stand) in a "a( most!eo!le do
not) ho" $ulne#a*le "e all a#e and ho"
im!o#tant it
is to mae each da( count% You ma(
ne$e# eel -uite as sae as (ou once did)
no# -uite as t#usting% These a#e
changes that oten occu# ate#
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eno#mous loss% The( a#e all com!ati*le
"ith healing%
Fo# some) endu#ing t#aumaignites a s!a#
o acti$it( to #ight some o the
"#ongs in$ol$ed
in a sudden $iolent death% 1ost
$ictims9su#$i$o#s "ant to !#e$ent it
o# othe#s% Thousands o men) "omen
and teenage#s ha$e 6oined 1othe#s
Against
8#un 8#i$ing ate# thei# lo$ed ones
"e#e illed%
1A88 hel!s in6u#ed $ictims and
amilies o those illed to co!e
emotionall() hel!s them th#ough the
c#iminal 6ustice s(stem) and "o#s to
!#e$ent d#un d#i$ing c#ashes%
M A88 and othe#o#gani,ations simila#
to 1A88 can !#o$ide (ou "ith the
o!!o#tunit(
to do "hat (ou can so othe#s don't
e.!e#ience the t#aged( (ou ha$e%
4ome !eo!le 0nd it hel!s them
eno#mousl( to "o# to end d#un
d#i$ing and $ictimi,ation% It can
eel as though it is the one
acti$it( that might *#ing something
const#ucti$e out o thei# loss%
Going on can *e a "a( o sho"ingthat lie) as
22
it "as #e!#esented in (ou# lo$ed one)
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matte#s to (ou%
It can *e im!o#tant too o# othe#s "ho
lo$e (ou and de!end on (ou% Fo# (ou#
o"n sae and o# the sae
o those "ho need (ou and lo$e (ou)
(ou ha$e a
#es!onsi*ilit( to t#( to heal% You could
not !#e$ent the outcome o the d#un
d#i$ing c#ash that illed (ou# lo$ed
one% You can) ho"e$e#) cont#ol ho" (ou
choose to co!e "ith thei# death) and ho"
(ou choose to li$e the #est o (ou# lie%
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Literature Available from
MA All titles a$aila*le online at
"""%madd%o#g%
ost titles a#ailable in
Spanish
#ROCHURES
Closed !ead
"n#ury A common complication of
#ehicular crashes
on$t Call MeLuc%y
For those in&ured bydrun' dri#ers
&very Child eserves aesignated river
'inancial (ecovery After a run%riving Crash
!elping Children Cope witheath
!ow Are )ou'eeling*
A teen(s guide to loss" grief"
and healing
Living with +urnTrauma
Living with ,pinal Cord"n#ury
Loss ain and!ealing
A parent(s guide
to grief
Men and
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Mourning
A man(s &ourneythrough grief
MondayMourning
A guide for the )or'place )hen
an employee becomesa crash#ictim
ic%ing /p the 'inancial iecesart 0
anaging 0nancial
issues at home
ic%ing /p the 'inancial iecesart 1
anaging )or' issues after adrun' dri#ing crash
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ic%ing /p the 'inancial ieces
art 2 Financial reco#ery
issues in court
,electing a CivilAttorney
,omeone )ou 3now rin%sand rives
/nique 4rief
For the non1family
berea#ed
5ictim "nformationamphlet
A guide through the criminal
&ustice system
6e !urt Too
For adult
siblings
)our 4rief: )ou$re 7ot 4oingCra8y
#OO&%ETS
eath at,chool
)our 5ictim "mpact,tatement
A
)or'boo'
!angin$ in there with 7igel 9forchildren
2our grief
)or'boo'
!angin$ in there with 7igel 9forchildren
For coping )ith the in&ury
of a lo#ed one
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3all 415661ADD178P for orderinginformation$
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This !#o6ect "as su!!o#ted *( g#ant No% @B
88;DBa"a#ded *( the ;u#eau o ustice
Assistance)
Ofice o ustice 7#og#ams) U%4% 8e!a#tment o
ustice% 7oints
o $ie" o# o!inions in this document
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a#e those
o the autho# and do not necessa#il( #e!#esent
the $ie"s o theU%4% 8e!a#tment o
ustice%
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