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The Highly The Highly Healthy MarriageHealthy Marriage
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GETncm/justsaycust-recrate-itemcommunittg/stores/dtg/stores/d-favorite-listruejust-say-no
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I) Thou Shalt Not Be I) Thou Shalt Not Be SelfishSelfish
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Thou Shalt Not Be SelfishThou Shalt Not Be SelfishThe number one problem in marriage =
“Self-itis”.William Harley - Marriage Counselor:
Beliefs that encourage self-centeredness destroy marriage.
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Thou Shalt Not Be SelfishThou Shalt Not Be SelfishThe number one problem in marriage =
“Self-itis”.Symptoms of “Self-ITIS”:
I = ImmaturityT = Time ChoicesI = InsensitivityS = Stubbornness
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Thou Shalt Not Be SelfishThou Shalt Not Be SelfishTreatment of “Self-itis”:Get some “PEP” in your relationship!
P = Priorities (get on the same page)E = Expectations (define expectations)P = Patterns (get lifestyle patterns together)
Understand love temperaments!Understand love languages!
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Thou Shalt Not Be SelfishThou Shalt Not Be Selfish
The Five Love Languages1. Verbal affirmation.2. Quality time.3. Touch (affectionate
touches and hugs).4. Service.5. Gifts.
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Thou Shalt Not Be SelfishThou Shalt Not Be SelfishReflecting:
In what specific areas of your relationship with your spouse do you find yourself behaving or thinking selfishly?
What specific symptoms of self-itis can you identify in yourself?
What kind of expectations do you have for your marriage and your spouse? How can you begin communicating those expectations?
Do you know your and your spouse’s temperament and love language?
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II) Thou Shalt Cut the II) Thou Shalt Cut the Apron stringsApron strings
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Thou Shalt Cut the Apron stringsThou Shalt Cut the Apron strings
Cleave to your spouse:Like glue.Like boats on a lake.
Cleave to a covenant.Leave parents – Cut the Apron strings
Cut the “Counseling Strings.”Cut the “Economic Strings.”
Leave past people, past problems, past places.
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Thou Shalt Cut the Apron stringsThou Shalt Cut the Apron strings
Reflecting:On whom did you depend most before you
were married?How has that prior relationship affected your
marriage?Describe the greatest bond between you and
your spouse.What strings need to be cut and how?What in your past needs to be left behind?
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III) Thou Shalt III) Thou Shalt Continually Continually
CommunicateCommunicate
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Thou Shalt Continually Thou Shalt Continually CommunicateCommunicateHindrances to Good Communication
SchedulesChildrenTelevisionFear of Conflict
If a husband and wife never have any conflicts, one or both of them is dead
ORthey are not communicating.
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Thou Shalt Continually Thou Shalt Continually CommunicateCommunicateLevels of Good Communication
ClichésJust the FactsOpinions and ConvictionsFeelingsCommunicating Needs
You are married to a foreigner (someone who thinks and talks differently and who is from a different culture).
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Thou Shalt Continually Thou Shalt Continually CommunicateCommunicateReflecting:
On a scale of 1 to 10, rate the communication in your marriage.
How are you and your spouse at communicating your feelings and needs to one another?
Describe some hindrances to communication in your marriage.
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IV) Thou Shalt Make IV) Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy AllyConflict Thy Ally
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Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy AllyAllyMarital myths
Good marriages do not have problems.Conflict hurts good marriages.
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Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy AllyAllyDo’s of Good Communication
Try to utilize your faith (pray, meditate, read Scripture).
Live with your spouse in an understanding way.Listen to your spouse.Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.Make confession and forgiveness a priority.
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Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy AllyAllyReflecting
How has conflict resulted in strengthening a weak point in your relationship?
How did your parents handle conflict when you were growing up, and how has that pattern affected you?
Were they peacemakers or prizefighters? What about you?
How do you need to change to make conflict an ally rather than an enemy?
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V) Thou Shalt Avoid the V) Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand of DebtQuicksand of Debt
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Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand of Debtof DebtOver half of all family breakups in America
stem from money – too much, not enough, poor management, big bills, interest, credit problems, bankruptcy,
etc., etc., etc.
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Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand of Debtof Debt10-20-70 budgetFirst subtract taxes and tithe.Second, place 10% in savings, retirement
or investment (pay yourself),Third, use 20% for debt reduction,Then, use the remaining 70% for
operating expenses.
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Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand of Debtof Debt10-20-70 budgetHow to overcome greed
Learn the secret of admiring without desiring.Learn the secret of giving stuff away.Learn the secret of being generous.
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Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand of Debtof DebtReflecting:
What is the driving force of debt in your family?What purchase are you currently considering
that would increase your debt? Why do you need it?
What percentage of your income are you giving to your faith community?
How much is your current credit card debt? Non credit card debt? What steps are you taking to get out of debt?
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VI) Thou Shalt Flee VI) Thou Shalt Flee Sexual Temptation – Sexual Temptation –
Online and OtherwiseOnline and Otherwise
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Thou Shalt Flee Sexual Thou Shalt Flee Sexual TemptationTemptationThere is a divine design for sex.Treat sexual temptation like a deadly
disease.Run, don’t walk, from sexual temptationStay off the “online” roof top.Intimacy takes time, good timing, and time
away together.
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Thou Shalt Flee Sexual Thou Shalt Flee Sexual TemptationTemptationReflecting:
Discuss your definition of sex? Is your definition more “designer sex” or “cultural sex”?
What “roof tops” tempt you the most? What is your “flight plan”?
What grade would you give the intimacy (sexual, emotional and spiritual) of your marriage? What would improve things?
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VII) Thou Shalt Forgive VII) Thou Shalt Forgive Thy Spouse – 490 Times Thy Spouse – 490 Times
and Moreand More
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Thou Shalt Forgive Thy Thou Shalt Forgive Thy SpouseSpouseHarmful responses to wrongs
Retaliation, rebellion, accommodation Healthy response to wrongs
ForgivenessEstablishing healthy boundaries
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Thou Shalt Forgive Thy Thou Shalt Forgive Thy SpouseSpouseF = Forgiving is highly healthyO = Organize Your Thoughts by WritingR = Review Your ExperienceG = Give the Boot to Anger and RegretI = Invest in Removing ResentmentV = Victory Comes in Forgiving OthersI = Increase Your Gratitude for Past PainN = Navigate to Inner PeaceG = Give Comfort to Others
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Thou Shalt Forgive Thy Thou Shalt Forgive Thy SpouseSpouseReflecting:
In what specific areas of marriage do you have the most trouble forgiving “seventy times seven” times?
What usually blocks your willingness to forgive?Are you willing to walk through the F-O-R-G-I-
V-N-E-S-S acrostic with me?
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VIII) Thou Shalt Keep VIII) Thou Shalt Keep the Home Fires Burningthe Home Fires Burning
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Thou Shalt Keep the Home Fires Thou Shalt Keep the Home Fires BurningBurningStages of marriage:
Honeymoon Stage.“The Party’s Over” Stage.“The Best is Yet to Be” Stage.
This stage requires looking for and working for mature love.
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Thou Shalt Not Be SelfishThou Shalt Not Be Selfish1 Corinthians 14:4-8Love is patient, love is kind. It does not
envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
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Thou Shalt Not Be SelfishThou Shalt Not Be SelfishMature Love is:
Patient. I put up with the imperfections of my mate.
Kind. I perform acts of kindness for my spouse.Joyful with truth. My love grows out of a base of
honesty and integrity.Trusting. I believe the best from my spouse.Full of hope. I hope for the best from and for my
spouse.Enduring. My love lasts through even the
toughest of times.
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Thou Shalt Not Be SelfishThou Shalt Not Be SelfishMature Love is not:
Jealous. Instead, it rests secure.Boastful. Instead, it refrains from building itself
up.Arrogant. Instead, it humbles itself.Self-seeking. Instead, it puts a spouse’s needs
and desires first.Angry. Instead, it refrains from rash outbursts.Looking for paybacks. Instead, mature love
forgives, even when treated wrongly.
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Thou Shalt Not Be SelfishThou Shalt Not Be SelfishMature Love:But, most of all, love never fails! Instead, I’m always there to support my
spouse.Oprah interviewed Billy Graham:
Oprah: “What’s the secret to your wonderful marriage to Ruth (of 56 years)?”
Dr. Graham: “We are happily incompatible.”
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Thou Shalt Keep the Home Fires Thou Shalt Keep the Home Fires BurningBurningWorking toward a mature love:
Speak blessingsOpen up and confessChange yourself and not your mate
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Thou Shalt Keep the Home Fires Thou Shalt Keep the Home Fires BurningBurningReflecting:
How important is it to you to “work” in making your marriage a happy, passionate, loving one?
In what stage of marriage are you today? What steps do you need to take to move on to the next stage?
Take the “love test” of 1 Corinthians 13.In what areas of love are you strong? Explain.
Where are you weak and what can you do about it, starting today?
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IX) Thou Shalt Begin IX) Thou Shalt Begin Again and AgainAgain and Again
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Thou Shalt Begin Again and Thou Shalt Begin Again and AgainAgainWhat’s the secret to marriage survival?Thou shalt begin again and again. There
are 6 steps to beginning again:AcceptanceAttentionAdjustmentAmnestyAppreciationAffection
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Thou Shalt Begin Again and Thou Shalt Begin Again and AgainAgainReflecting:
What three things would you do differently if you could start your marriage over?
Which of the six steps to “beginning again” does your marriage need the most? Explain.
Would you consider your marriage warm and loving, hot and cold, or dry and barren? In what ways?
Have you hugged your spouse today?
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X) Thou Shalt Build a X) Thou Shalt Build a Winning TeamWinning Team
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Thou Shalt Build a Winning Thou Shalt Build a Winning TeamTeamComponents for winning teams:
Deciding to buildBuilding the team
A competent architectThe right coachThe playersThe intangiblesFan supportDetermination and commitment
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Thou Shalt Build a Winning Thou Shalt Build a Winning TeamTeamReflecting:
If your marriage were a college football team, where would it be ranked?
In what areas does your mate need some coaching? What about you?
How do your family and friends provide fan support for your marriage?
What is the greatest strength of your marriage time?
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10 Essentials of a Highly Healthy 10 Essentials of a Highly Healthy MarriageMarriageI)I) Thou Shalt Not Be SelfishThou Shalt Not Be SelfishII)II) Thou Shalt Cut the Apron Thou Shalt Cut the Apron
StringsStringsIII)III) Thou Shalt Continually Thou Shalt Continually
CommunicateCommunicateIV)IV) Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy
AllyAllyV)V) Thou Shalt Avoid the Thou Shalt Avoid the
Quicksand of DebtQuicksand of Debt
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10 Essentials of a Highly Healthy 10 Essentials of a Highly Healthy MarriageMarriageVI)VI) Thou Shalt Flee Sexual Thou Shalt Flee Sexual
Temptation – Online and Temptation – Online and OtherwiseOtherwise
VII)VII)Thou Shalt Forgive Thy Spouse – Thou Shalt Forgive Thy Spouse – 490 Times and More490 Times and More
VIII)VIII)Thou Shalt Keep the Home Fires Thou Shalt Keep the Home Fires BurningBurning
IX)IX) Thou Shalt Begin Again and Thou Shalt Begin Again and AgainAgain
X)X) Thou Shalt Build a Winning TeamThou Shalt Build a Winning Team