Self-Compassion: A Confident Kid Building Block
Vanessa Ann Vigilante, Ph.D.Psychologist
Division of Behavioral HealthA I duPont Hospital for Children
Clinical Assistant Professor of Pediatrics Department of Pediatrics
Jefferson Medical College
How Do We Build a Stable Sense of Self in Children?
Protect child from feelings of failure, disappointment, frustration or…
…validate these feelings?
Self-Esteem: “Its all relative.”
How much we approve of/value ourselves
Based on comparison
Low Self-Esteem
Comes from the child’s evaluation of his/her perceived inadequacies.
Low Self-Esteem
“I do not measure up.”
High Self-Esteem
“I measure up well.”
Artificially Inflate Self-Esteem
“Give” high self esteem:
- Praise indiscriminately
- Protect from frustration/self doubt
Artificially Inflating Self-Esteem
Caregiver Response
• “You’re so smart.”
• “You’re so kind.”
• “You’re so pretty.”
Child Translation
“Smartness makes me loveable.”
“Being kind makes me loveable.”
“Being pretty makes me loveable.”
Inflating Self Esteem
Less than perfect is not ok…
…so, cannot take constructive feedback and does not learn from mistakes
Drawbacks of Self-Esteem when things do not go well
Narcissism
Self absorption
Self-righteous anger
Prejudice
Discrimination
Entitlement
Humiliation
Incompetence
Inferiority
Depression
Anxiety
Anger
So, how do we:
Maintain a stable sense of self in the midst of success as well as failure?
How do we:
Have high self-esteem… ….and not always measure up?
• By being content with not always measuring up
• Maintaining stability in the midst of success as well as failure
• Accepting failure as a fact of life
Here’s how:
Self-Compassion
How much warmth do we have for ourselves?
Based on self-acceptance
Not based on self-evaluation/social
comparison
Self-Compassion
How much warmth we have for ourselves especially
when the road gets tough
Self-Compassion
SC: “Could have happened to anyone.”
SE: “These things only happen to me.”
Self-Compassion: 3-Step Process
Realize things are difficult
Respond to yourself with kindness/
understanding
Normalize it
Self-Compassion
“It sounds like you’re feeling aggravated.”
“That sounds so hard!”
“Did that make you angry?”
“How awful!”
“It’s normal to feel….”
“It sounds like that made you happy.”
“That sounds like a good plan.”
“I really like the….”
Self-Compassion
Provides the same benefits of high self-esteem….
…without its drawbacks
How to Help Children Develop Self-Compassion
Be kind to yourself
Teach children truth about life
Ease into self-compassion slowly
Judge the behavior, not the child
Model future behavior, don’t punish the past
Are there drawbacks to self-compassion?
Will it lower standards/encourage laziness?
Self-compassionate people are less likely to lower their standards (Neff, 2011).
Self-Compassion: Rewards
Higher standards
Strong work ethic
Personal responsibility
Not afraid of failure
More courageous
More aware of personal faults
Self-Compassion: Rewards
Decreased anxiety, depression, self-criticism
Increased coping ability
Greater feeling of social connectedness
How Do We Build a Stable Sense of Self in Children?
Protect child from feelings of failure, disappointment, frustration or…
…validate these feelings?
Cabane, O. The Charisma Myth, (New York, Penguin Group, 2012).
Gilbert, P., Baldwin, M. W., Irons, C., Baccus, J. R., & Palmer, M. “Self-Criticism and Self-Warmth: An Imagery Study Exploring Their Relation to Depression,” Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy 20, no. 2 (2006): 183-200.
Kagan, J. Three Seductive Ideas, (Cambridge, MA, Harvard University Press, 1998).
Neff, K. D. “Self-Compassion,” in Handbook of Individual Differences in Social Behavior, eds. M. R. Leary and R. H. Hoyle (New York: Guilford Press, 2009), 561-73.
Neff, K. D., Kirkpatrick, K., & Rude, S. S., “Self-Compassion and Its Link to Adaptive Psychological Functioning,” Journal of Research in Personality 41 (2007): 139-54.
Neff, K. D. Self Compassion , (William Morrow, 2011).
References