John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
Managing Conflict in the Church
Agenda
Stages of Conflict
Responses to Conflict
Conflict Situations
Role of Elders
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
Levels of Conflict – Alban Institute
(Before we Start)
Levels are not discrete
Characteristics broadly indicative
Caring approach is essential
Team Approach should be considered
Training is required
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
LEVEL ONE: Problem to Solve
CHARACTERISTICS
Real disagreement – conflicting goals
Short lived anger
Problem oriented
Open sharing of information
Clear and specific
Solving problem
Collaborative win/win
SKILLS NEEDED
Trust building
Logical thinking
Good listening
Knowledge of church structure
Problem solving skills
Consulting skills
Knowledge of available resources
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
LEVEL TWO: Disagreement
CHARACTERISTICS
Real disagreement – mixing personalities & issues
Distrust from beginning
Personalizing problem
Hold back information
Vague & General
Face-saving
Attempt collaborative solution
SKILLS NEEDED
All skills from Level one plus
Analytical skills
Understanding of power dynamics
Mediation skills
Self-awareness skills
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
LEVEL THREE: Contest
CHARACTERISTICS
Dynamics of win/lose
Can’t operate in presence of “enemy”
Personal attacks – factions
Distortion
Overgeneralizations
Shift to winning
Possible someone will leave church
SKILLS NEEDED
All skills from Levels one & two plus
Negotiating contracts
Recognition of own limits
Understanding of personality types
Facilitator in group process
Clear process of decision making
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
LEVEL FOUR: Fight/Flight
CHARACTERISTICS
Get rid of person
Cold self-righteousness
Factions solidified
Won’t accept contrary information
Principles not issues
Hurt other person
High probability of split
SKILLS NEEDED
All skills from levels one, two and three plus
Ability to assess need for more training
Experience
Knowledge of other resources
Find outside resources
Careful adherence to church structure and polity
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
LEVEL FIVE: Intractable
CHARACTERISTICS
Personalities are issue
Conflict unmanageable
Vindictive
Other person harmful to society
Information skewed
Language of destruction
Destroy other person
Highly destructive
SKILLS NEEDED
All skills from all other levels plus
Personal support system, inner resources and stress relief
Adherence to institutional boundaries legal restrictions etc.
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
With those around
Share an experience of one or more levels of
conflict
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
Congregation as System
With the group
Can you identify systemic roles in your family of origin?
Can you identify systems in you congregation?
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
Conflict then
Is part of and not independent of our congregational system
Is who we are
Is how we do things round here
Is part of our identity
We all (and our congregations) have a conflict resolution style
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
Competing
Use
When quick, decisive action is important, such as emergencies
When your core values need to be defended
When it is important to you to have it your own way
Danger
May weaken relationships if it is perceived that you won and the other person lost
You receive less input and ideas from others
Others may not “buy-in” and sabotage the decision
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
Collaboration
Use To find a solution that
integrates both sets of concerns, as they are both important
To merge insights from people with different perspectives on a problem
When commitment and “buy-in” is needed to implement a solution
When hard feelings have been interfering with an interpersonal, working relationship
Danger May waste time and energy on
issues that are not important As the process can take longer
it may frustrate some people
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
Compromise
Use
When an agreement needs to be reached – time is important
When mutually exclusive goals prevent collaboration
To achieve temporary settlements to complex issues
As a backup mode when collaboration or competition is unsuccessful
Danger
Nobody really gets what they want or need
The focus becomes what you did not manage to get re: needs/wants
Problems reoccur as they were not fully explored and resolutions found that truly work for those involved
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
Avoidance
Use
When the issue or relationship is unimportant
To prevent an immediate conflict (e.g. inappropriate time, place, or feelings are escalated)
When someone else can resolve the conflict more effectively
When you have little chance of satisfying your concerns (e.g. national policy, someone’s basic personality, etc.)
Danger
Conflict may fester until it escalates
The relationship remains superficial
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
Accommodation
Uses
To build the relationship
When the issue is relatively unimportant to you, but important to the other person
When you have less experience or expertise than the other person
When preserving harmony and avoiding disruption are especially important
Danger
Your needs are not met
You may begin to feel taken advantage of and resentful
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
With those around
Think of a specific example of conflict
1. What style did you use?
2. Was it appropriate?
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
What conflict does
Upsets Homeostasis of congregation
So we want to regain balance as soon as possible
Whatever it takes Depending on our pain threshold
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
Stress causes anxiety
The Brain
Anxiety affects our brains
Reptilian brain
•Regulates automatic processes – breathing/ circulation
•Designed for survival & protection of organism
•Stress defaults to here
•Act without thinking
Limbic Brain
•Emotion brain – love/hate fight/flight
•Can loose restraint
•Automatic
Neocortex
•Analyze
•Reflect
•Observe
•Create
•think
Neocortex makes us more than a collection of reflexes – need to find ways to be calm and think
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
Toleration of pain in others
Toleration of pain in selves
High
High
Low
Low
Rescuer / Compassion fatigue
I feel your pain/ Misery loves company
Take responsibility for self and challenge others to do the same
Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen
Conflict Causes Pain
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
Toleration of pain in others
Toleration of pain in selves
High
High
Low
Low
Conflict Causes Pain
Immature
Mature
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
Scenario #1 – chronically anxious
Time to role play
Roy, a chronically anxious member is chairman of the board. It’s budget time. (need I say more?)
Questions
1. How did they do?
2. What tools did they use?
3. What else might they have done?
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
Scenario #2 – Passive Aggressive
Role Play
Sally, the treasurer has not produced a financial statement in eight months. It’s never her fault
Questions
1. How did they do?
2. What tools did they use?
3. What else might they have done?
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
Scenario #3 – Gossip & Rumours
Role Play
Tony, an elder wants to present an anonymous letter to session. It is important to him because “people are talking.”
Questions
1. How did they do?
2. What tools did they use?
3. What else might they have done?
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
Two extraordinary situations
Bullying and Inappropriate behaviour
Leading with care
Safe church policy
Might need external help
Don’t under (or over) estimate bullying
John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011
Elders must
Model appropriate behaviour
Practice differentiated leadership
Be a non-anxious presence
Recognize this is adaptive not technical change
Understand the best in us may bring out the worst in others
Have rules of play (covenant/Book of Forms
Be not Afraid