Publication: The Straits Times, p A8 Date: 20 August 2008 Headline: Mother Courage LY SMU

, Fi CORRESPONDENT

T H E S T I N T E R V I E W

IF MRS Joni Ong had her way, she would shut down all offices at "6.30pm sharp", so people can go home to their families be- fore The dark. human resource consultant Th Mother Courage blames Singapore's flagging fertility rate

is week, Joni Ong, president of I Love Children and mother of five, gives her take on ; whether PM Lee Hsien Loong's attempts to cajole the Singapore stork will work work.

"We need more working parents in the parks with their children before sun- down. It happens in countries like Austral- ia and the United States, so why not here?"

Children who grow up in the company of domestic help and spend all their time at tuition or enrichment classes "may not want children of their own", she warns.

As a mother of five and a consummate career woman, she embodies the arche- type that the Government hopes more Sin- gapore women will aspire towards.

The 48-year-old is one of Singapore's foremost fertility advocates. She is presi- dent of a pro-baby charity and deputy chair of the National Family Council, set up to promote family-friendly measures.

She also chairs the management com- mittee of the Fairfield Methodist Schools and heads the Methodist Schools Founda- tion.

For much of her life, the wife of Mem- ber of Parliament Ong Kian Min has clung to unfashionable convictions, which of- ten jarred with the times.

Despite "Stop at Two" government pol- icies, she grew up in a boisterous extend- ed family of 21 and dreamt of having her own brood of six some day.

Most of her female peers chose to study the Humanities but not her. She waitressed and sold fish to put herself through the University of New South Wales in Sydney, w h e ~ e she "cut up ca- davers" and read neuro anatomy. "I want- ed to see what we look like from the in- side," she says.

She graduated top of her class, but as jobs in the field were limited, she rejected

Human resource consultant farHllty advcate and mother of tNa bni 0ng at wrk in her borne where caricature drawings of he^ children take pride of place on a wall. ST PHOTO: MUGIVIN RAJASEGERAN

a doctoral scholarship from the university and returned home to Singapore.

At 24, she married Mr Ong, her An- glo-Chinese Junior College schoolmate, now 48. After trying but failing to get pregnant for three years, she braved jibes in 1990 by opting for in-vitro fertilisa- tion, a relatively uncommon procedure at the time, when eggs and sperm are ferti- lised on a laboratory petri dish rather than in the womb.

They have five children today - the $20,000 "IVF babies", Kristi-Ann and Kathi-Lyn, both 18, Elisabeth, 17, Emme- liene, 15 and Jonathan, 12. The latter three were conceived naturally.

Mrs Ong says the raft of pro-natal goodies the Prime Minister unveiled on Sunday is "gratifying". But she is not sure if the answer lies in more money and more maternity leave. "The more you give, the more people will demand," says the president of I Love Children, a charity set up in 2005 to encourage procreation. It does this through seminars and commu- nity events to remind people of the sim- ple pleasures of childrearing.

Supermum's parenting tips Mrs Toni Ong, 48, is a human resource

consultant and president of I Love Children, which was set up to encourage people to have more babies. S h e is also deputy chair of the National Family Council and chairs the management committee of the Fairfield Methodist Schools, her alma mater.

She is married to MP and lawyer Ong Kian Min.

Prioritise values, not performance "I want all of them to get at least a basic degree, but getting straight As is not a priority. Not all my kids are academically inclined and a couple have to work very, very hard just to get by.

"But some things, like honesty and being considerate, are non-negotiable. 1 keep a cane in my bedroom for major transmessions. One of mv kids once

Having a brood of five has allowed Mrs Joni Ong the "luxury of making mistakes and learning from them". Here are some of her parenting tips:

Know their strengths "Every child is gifted, just in different ways. Find your child's strength and encourage it, whatever it may be. My twins have high EQ, my third daughter is good in studies, while the fourth one loves drama and church work. My son loves science and maths."

forgeUd my signature in aiest shedid badly in. When I found out, I caned her, so she can remember her mistake - and not repeat it."

Rethink enrichment classes "I put my children in enrichment classes only when they ask for them.

"Tuition is not a must: All my children have taken Chinese tuition at some point. For the rest of the subjects, they join only when they feel they really need it or if they are failing in some subject."

M n Jcnl On. .-... d fmm right) with har husband. I... -. K ! MI& and h a flve children. She b me of singapmls wwt ferti~ty adv- PHOTO: c ~ ~ R T E s Y OF THE ONG FAMILY

Women will have more babies if they are convinced - like she was - that beine - - - --- - - - ~ - a mother is good not just for the country but for themselves. "What is more impor- + tant is a major shift in mindsets," she PIVP On the new pro-baby measures:

after being widowed at 40 with five chil- dren. The late matriarch insisted that all three of her sons and their families live with her at the family home, a sprawling old bungalow on Somerville Road.

It was there, after school, that Mrs Ong spent many indolent afternoons play- ing badminton and rounders with her four siblings and 11 cousins.

Her late mother Nancy Tan also worked as a stenographer because she did not want tospend her life "playing mah- jong and cooking" like many of her peers. "Work not only gave her a sense of self-worth, it also helped her save more so that each of us siblings could have a better life," she says.

She remembers how her mother - who often emphasised the importance of a good educa- tion - used to hover around with warm glasses of milk while her five children huddled around a table studying at night. Today, three of them in- cluding Mrs Ong, have Master's

membered for." On allegations that she took up the pro-

creation gauntlet only because she is the wife of a People's Action Party MP, her eyes lock yours in a steely gaze as she says: "I wear my heart on my sleeve. I would never champion something I don't believe in."

Her friends and co-workers agree. "She has an unceasing passion for life - especially for her children and her work - that's quite rare," says Ms Helen Lim-Yang, 43, who is also her boss at HR firm OTi Consulting.

Her passion for her profession is evi- dent at the leadership courses she con-

ducts for company head hon- chos, executives and students.

At a session for Singapore Management University student leaders last Friday, she ex- pounds on the values she cher- ishes: "Never allow people to pi- geonhole you ... Every child is destined for greatness - you must find your own strengths, harness your gifts."

Frequently, her tips come not in words but action. She gets the students to balance colour- ful balloon sticks on their ex- tended forefingers - to show that those who kept their sight on the top of the stick were able

to keep it standing the longest. "Always focus on your highest goal. If

you focus on the base, you will keep drop- ping the stick," she exhorts.

a disgruntled worker he had sacked hours before for misappropriating funds.

"It was devastating, but such things happen. But I know that some day we'll meet again," she says, drawing strength from her Christian faith.

As principal consultant, she is not yet on the highest rung of the corporate lad- der. Her reply is quick and self-assured when asked if she might have been more successful professionally if she had fewer children or none at all.

"I might be but I don't think I would be the happy person I am today."

Indeed, she repeats often that it will be the lives she's touched rather than the deals she's made that will be her biggest legacy. "I think as mothers, we often rede- fine what success means to us."

In 2004, she took two years of unpaid leave to help Jonathan cope withdyslexia, a learning disability where children have difficulty reading and spelling.

He had failed his Primary One English and was put in a "learning support pro- gramme" (LSP) which is meant to give special-needs children a leg up in life.

One day, the boy told his mother that a classmate had taunted him, saying the LSP was a programme for "lousy stupid people".

"I told him don't you ever believe that. Don't you ever let your dyslexia be an ex- cuse for anything".

Well-mannered and friendly, Jonath- an, who has since switched to the Singa- pore American School, is coping marvel- lously.

At the poolside of the family's "second home", a condominium in Novena, he sits next to Mrs Ong, hanging onto her every word.

When asked about his mother, he low- ers his head and thinks for a while, then expels: "She gives us our freedom. So that we can learn from our mistakes."

In the half light of the pool, his effu- sive mother seems, for once, at a loss for words. But her smile says it all. radhaMsph.m.sg

--, ... Years of state policies and parents

alike pushing for "excellence and self-reli- ance" have made young men and women value a good education and job security over marriage and children.

In her household, family time is priori- tised above all else. "My husband and I have dinner with the children at 7.30pm nearly every day," she says. In 2000, Mr Ong, now a legal consultant, relinquished his position as partner of Drew and Napi- er to spend more time with the children.

Every Saturday is Grandparent's Day, with the familv takine Mr One's ~ a r e n t s

"They're gratifying, but the measures could have been bolder: It would be good if the extra month of maternity leave could have been made gender neutral. Mothers can be weepy in the days after birth and need their husbands' support in caring for what what seems like this monstrous little thing. Also, IVF subsidies could have been pegged to age and length of marriage. We don't want women waiting till they're 40 before trying for babies since the Government is paying for a part of it."

- -~ ~ - - ~ - -~

out for lunch.- The z d e r coGle -- who helps the Ongs mind the children while their parents are at work, along with two maids - lives with them in their sprawl- ing Chatsworth Road bungalow.

Licking the late culture need not harm productivity. "Work has a way of expand- ingto fill up empty hours," she says, add- ing that many office workers fritter away precious time gossiping because they know they can work late. Others spend too much time at work, "often in the false belief that that is what is required".

She once asked a former colleague at a hank why she was "hanging around". "She pointed at the boss and said: 'He's still around, so how can I leave?" Such du- tiful drudgery persists today and could be keeping singles from meeting potential life partners, she laments.

"Work should never be the only thing in your life," she says. "Education, em- ployment and babies need not be mutual- lv exclusive."

On Singaporean fathers:

Read the story of h Joni and Ong Kian Min met and fell in

love on

.a

"I think Singapore men are better fathers than they are given credit for. When we had the twins, my husband would sleep with one and I with the other, so that we each got some rest. He would tend to the baby at night and go to work the next day. I was not even working, but he said I needed the rest." degrees.

She learnt early on that life can be unfair. At 19, a school he- On a lower glass ceiling for mothers: ro she admired for his brilliance and athletic prowess died dur- ing a physical training exercise in NS.

"I realised then that we just don't know how much time we have. So we must live every day as if it's our last ... To whom much is given, much is ex- pected," she declares. By her own admis- sion, she packs into one life, what most would "pack in three".

The Straits Times spent a couple of days trailing her last week during which the indefatigable woman trained stu- dents, hosted a poolside pizza party for her daughter's friends, took her in-laws out to lunch and ferried her children to tu- ition and music classes.

She is multi-faceted, but being amoth- er, she says, is what she is proudest of. "It's what has given the most meaning to my life. It's what I want to be most re-

"Personally, I don't think there is one. If you go to work every day complaining that your children are sick, or if you take time off at the slightest fever, then you are creating your own glass ceiling. Mothers who manage best at work are those that compartmentalise their lives well. "

In aninstant, she morphs from mentor to mother, demonstrating how to look be- She acknowledges that ord~nary Singa-

poreans - without the benefit of her ~ ~ i v i - she says: "Hand-me-downs are a big leged background and who grapple with money saver. All my four daughters wore the soaring costs of living - may beg to the same clothes. You have but one body.

yond words to visual dotal cues to de- cide whether to trust someone. "Words don't always amount to much."

Her wisdom is honed by experience. Her family has paid dearly for being too trusting. In the early 1970s, her father and his brothers had to shut down their family-owned business when a trusted employee embezzled their money.

Her brother paid an even higher price in 2006. He was murdered in Bangkok by

differ. So how many T-shirts do you need?" After all, her first marital home was More important thanmouey to women

the bungalow where her family still lives. today, she says, are "positive role mod- However, she says: "Raising children is as els?? who effectively juggle career and chil- expensive as you want it to be. Some can dren, raise two kids comfortably on an income She found inspiration in her paternal of %3,000. For others, even 810.000 is grandmother, Tan Poh Nee, who took not enough for one child."

A great believer in economies of scale, over her husband's stevedoring business

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