How to Survive Manipulative People

Scott Carroll, MDAyni Neuroscience Institute

www.scottcarrollmd.com

Personality Disorders vs Traits

• Personality disorders are enduring, inflexible, maladaptive patterns of behavior and relating to others that cause significant dysfunction.

• Personality traits are repetitive patterns that are not constantly present or may be suppressed when necessary and do not cause significant dysfunction.

Personality Disorder Clusters

• Cluster A - “Weird” - strange, bizarre, eccentric

• Cluster B - “Wild” - impulsive, dramatic, aggressive, self-destructive

• Cluster C - “Wimpy”- anxious, rigid, ineffective

Cluster A Personality Disorders

• Schizoid - “loner”, lacks desire for social contact, usually avoids relationships and social interaction

• Schizotypal - “eccentric”, odd with magical thinking, attribute events to illogical causes, family members of schizophrenics

• Paranoid - “conspiracy addicts”, wonder if FBI/CIA follow them, distrusts others, especially authority figures (police, doctors, lawyers, etc.)

Cluster B Personality Disorders

• Histrionic - “actress”, very dramatic, overly emotional, frequently exaggerates, wants reaction

• Narcissistic - “name dropper”, arrogant, critical, condescending to staff, will only talk to the doctor

• Borderline - “Marilyn Monroe”, fears being alone, intense relationships, idealizes/devalues, recurrent suicide attempts/ideation, dissociates/psychosis

• Antisocial - “career criminal”, disregards rights of others, lies/cons/threatens others to meet goals

Cluster C Personality Disorders

• Dependent - requires presence of the person they are dependent on to feel safe/happy or to make decisions, otherwise they are ineffective

• Avoidant - extreme low self-esteem and fear of criticism or embarrassment, avoids other people

• Obsessive-Compulsive - “perfectionist”, rigid, legalistic, inflexible, obsessed with lists and schedules, may hoard, not the same as OCD

Common Manipulation Strategies• Regression - may regress both mentally (magical

thinking) and emotionally, clear limits/directions• Situational depression - extreme shame/guilt, even

suicidal thoughts, needs strong support/hosp• Transference - may idealize or devalue (both) you

or anyone else, be aware and don’t get sucked in• Counter-Transference – your unconscious reaction

to them; may cause excessive sympathy or anger; also desires to rescue or punish; awareness is key

More Common Strategies

• Hysteria - intense emotion to “engage” you or feel “seen”, acknowledge distress, but don’t fix

• Splitting - idealizes provider, devalues staff or vice versa, may flip-flop, manipulator not aware, good team communication usually prevents this

• Boundaries - must be communicated in advance, be flexible within those limits

• Self-care - essential, have realistic expectations, care for your self before trying to help others

How Manipulators Control You

• They seek resolution of internal chaos, by creating chaos around them, may lie/act incompetent

• Their goal is to control you with pathological displays of power to induce you to fail or look “incompetence”

• They use “illicit currency” (threats, complaints, refusal, etc.) to emotionally engage/manipulate

• Avoiding such pathological relationships may limit their self-harm and can even help them

Judo Techniques for Self Defense

• Incompetence - They’re going to prove you are anyway, so present yourself that way early

• Benign Neutrality – be concerned about their well being, but “Zen” about whether they like or hate you

• Specific techniques - slowing down, use silence, acknowledge distress, use paradoxical statements.

• Be honest, neutral, non-reactive listeners to promote their competence and avoid destructive interactions

Final Exam

A client is banging her head on your desk, screaming you are incompetent and that she is going to destroy you.

A. Beg her to stop

B. Call security to remove her

C. Personally wrestle her to the ground

D. Go get a cup of coffee and check your email

E. Patiently wait for her to stop, then continue