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2013 Professional Development Resources | www.pdresources.org | 10-56 Helping Children Learn to Listen | Page 1 of 17

Title of Course: Helping Children Learn to Listen CE Credit: 1 Hour Learning Level: Introductory Author: Adina Soclof, MS, CCC-SLP

Abstract: Parents, teachers, and other adults often complain that their children do not listen to them. In fact, failure to listen is a common occurrence among all children, at least some of the time. When it becomes a chronic condition, that is, when a child rarely or never listens to adults, it becomes clinically worrisome because the safety and well- being of the child can be at risk. The failure to develop good listening skills is also a threat to a childs learning processes. It is difficult to comprehend and follow directions if one is not listening. Furthermore, children who do not listen are likely to have difficulties in their relationships with both adults and peers. This course will teach clinicians effective and practical strategies for helping children learn to listen so they can better counsel their clients parents and caregivers in the use of these skills. By implementing the techniques presented here, parents and other adults can teach children to listen, thereby decreasing the occurrence of power struggles and frustration. Children can then move on to other important social and educational developmental tasks. Learning Objectives: 1. Describe four reasons why children fail to listen to adults 2. List four ways to set up homes and plan for successful listening and cooperation 3. Identify 16 tools that can help encourage and facilitate listening skills in children 4. Identify four phrases that parents can use to stop arguing with children and enforce their rules Author Bio: Adina Soclof, MS, CCC-SLP, a certified Speech-Language Pathologist, received her masters degree from Hunter College in New York in Communication Sciences. She worked as a Speech Pathologist in preschools for the developmentally disabled in the New York school system before staying home full time with her family. She reentered the workforce as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Childrens Bureau facilitating How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk, and Siblings Without Rivalry workshops and presentations based on Raising Your Spirited Child. Adina also runs workshops based on "How to Talk so Kids can Learn: At Home and at School" for teachers and other mental health professionals. She has been featured at numerous non-profit organizations and private schools in Cleveland. Adina developed TEAM Communication Ventures and conducts parenting and teacher training via telephone nationwide. She lives with her husband and four lively children in Cleveland, Ohio.


Helping Children Learn to Listen Introduction

My kids don't listen to me! My kids are so stubborn and strong willed! Why wont my kids follow the simplest directions? How can I make my kids listen?

Complaints like these are so common among parents that one might conclude that not listening is the norm rather than the exception among children. In fact, failure to listen is a common occurrence among all children at least some of the time. When it becomes a chronic condition, that is, when a child rarely or never listens to adults, it becomes clinically worrisome because the safety and well-being of the child can be at risk. The failure to develop good listening skills is also a threat to a childs learning processes. It is difficult to comprehend and follow directions if one is not listening. Furthermore, children who do not listen are likely to have difficulties in their relationships with both adults and peers. There are two general types of children who are chronically poor listeners: children with oppositional or conduct disorders and those with communication disorders. These are obviously two very different groups, and the approaches to remediation will be very different. Therefore, the first order of business in this course will be to address the question: what kinds of children can benefit from the strategies and interventions discussed here? For starters, we might place children into one of three very general categories:

1. Typically developing children 2. Children with language delays or communication issues 3. Children with oppositional defiant and conduct disorders

Of these three groups, the first two will be good candidates for the techniques provided in this course. Typically developing children may be poor listeners for a variety of reasons that will be described herein. The interventions described here will help them become better listeners and assist them in their relationships with adults and in their day-to-day development. Children with language delays do experience greater difficulty following directions, which parents perceive as not listening to them. This results in a constant struggle between parents and children, frustrating the children who feel that their parents overreact and dont understand them, as well as the parents who do not understand why their children exhibit such resistant behavior all the time. Children with language delays and communication disorders will need ongoing language interventions because of the deficits that are part of their developmental conditions. Intervention is crucial for this group so that they can learn better communication skills and get on with their social and emotional development. The third group, however children with more serious behavior disorders are not likely to benefit from the interventions described in this course. These children and adolescents have underlying behavior patterns that will require serious and ongoing mental health interventions. The techniques offered in this course would not be effective with antisocial youth because they are based on underlying motivational mechanisms that are not present in individuals with oppositional defiant disorder or conduct disorder.


The second question to be addressed here is: what is the age range of children who are likely to respond to this type of training? The answer is that most of the techniques described here can be tailored to the age and development level of the child or adolescent. Examples of modifying statements and techniques for use with children and adolescents are included in a number of sections. In fact, it may even become clear that some of these techniques can be adapted for use with adults. This course focuses on clinicians in their role as educators to parents trying to manage non-compliant behaviors that are related to underdeveloped listening skills. The purpose of this course is to teach clinicians effective and practical strategies so they in turn can counsel parents and caregivers on how to engage their children positively, fostering an environment of improved communication and cooperation. Effective strategies enable us to manage our caseloads, while being a support source for our clients other helping professionals, i.e., teachers, educators, parents and caregivers. Opportunities abound for school-based professionals like SLPs, counselors, social workers, and school psychologists to help parents and caregivers address challenging behavior. Once they are able to understand the link between language disorders and misbehavior, they are able to manage non-compliant behavior much more effectively. Research shows that parents and caregivers of children with difficult temperaments or communication disorders experience significant stress (Meyer & Prizant, 1993; McLeod & Watts-Pappas, 2009, pp.28-29; Flasher & Fogle, 2004, p.161). It is now well established that children with language impairment are more likely than typically developing children to experience behavioral difficulties (Greene, 2005 pp. 23-31; Alderson, Kofler, Rapport, 2007; Bashir &Singer 1999; Cooper-Kahn & Dietzel, 2008). Parents who are experiencing frustrations with their child need to know that children can be taught better listening skills. With encouragement and support, parents can learn effective techniques to facilitate better listening, and become capable of effecting changes in their home (Lindsay & Dockrell, 2012). Helping parents find more successful ways to interact with their children permits them to feel more capable in their interactions with their children and decrease their perceptions of their childrens communication difficulties. This supports research demonstrating that involving parents directly in language intervention can result in positive changes in parentchild interaction strategies, quality of the parentchild relationship, and parent satisfaction with language interventions (Adamson et al., 2011). This course will provide specific techniques that clinicians can use to counsel parents and caregivers on how to manage their childs non-compliant behavior. The skills that are needed will be discussed in detail so that clinicians can work with caregivers to develop the necessary tools and have them available when the misbehavior or non-compliance occurs.

Why Are Children Non-Compliant? In this section we will list four psychological and sociological reasons why children are non-compliant and have trouble listening. It should be understood that these dynamics are common to all children, not only those with language delays. 1. Listening is Difficult for Children One of the major reasons why children do not listen and are non-compliant and is because listening is not easy. Children have a hard time listening. Adults who have to sit in long meetings and lectures can commiserate. It takes a lot of concentration and energy to listen. Listening requires quiet and an ability to attend to your surroundings and to discern the important messages that are being conveyed. Its easier for children to listen when the message pertains to them, which is not always the case (McDuffie & Yoder, 2010).


Sometimes children have been listening the whole day at school and when they come home they are tired. Often they are immersed in pretend play, reading, video games or TV and they truly dont hear their parents. What we perceive as non-compliant or strong-willed behavior can also just be a child struggling to listen. Children with auditory processing issues and other language disorders have a harder time than other children (Hoskins & Collins, 1979), but modifications to the home or classroom can improve their listening skills. Strategies like those listed here can help (www.asha.org/about/news/tipsheets/Is-your-child-a-poor-listener.htm retrieved January 16, 2013):

Seat the child away from auditory and visual distractions to help maintain focus and attention. Structure the environment using a consistent routine. Before speaking, first gain the childs attention and then give directions. Avoid asking the child to listen and write at the same time. Speak slowly and clearly by using words that make sequence clear such as "first," "next," and "finally."

It is important to remember that children usually want to do the right thing. They need their parents love and, even more so, their approval. If children are not listening it is probably because they truly can't. This is one of the points of departure for children with oppositional and defiant disorders, as noted earlier. They do not necessarily want to do the right thing, nor are they overly concerned for their parents approval. 2. Children Need Independence Children, like all human beings, possess a strong desire for independence. It is actually a basic human need. Being independent makes us feel that we have some control over our decisions and our fate. We are empowered by knowing that we can think for ourselves, take care of ourselves, and rely on ourselves to survive in this world. Independence is the foundation for self-respect and belief in ones self. Children are often torn between wanting their parents to take care of them and needing to feel independent. They are confused. When their parents ask them to do something and they need to comply, they are also battling their inner voice which might be telling them:

"You don't need to listen to anyone. You are your own boss. You can do your own thing!" The resulting defiance and non-compliance can be an outgrowth of this internal psychological struggle of wanting to listen to their parents but also needing to assert their autonomy. This idea is better understood when put into adult terms. Imagine your reaction if your spouse said to you:

"Take out the garbage now!" "It is time to go. Stop cooking dinner and come with me!"

We would experience similar inner voices:

"You don't need to listen to anyone; dont tell me to take out the garbage; tell him to take it out himself. You are your own boss and you can do your own thing. You can cook when you want to cook and leave when you want to leave.

As you can see, this basic need for independence that all humans possess can compromise childrens ability to listen (Flasher & Fogle, 2004 p. 111; Ginott, 1971).


3. Democracy Works for Countries, Not Families The case can be made that children today have a tougher time listening to authoritative figures than children in earlier generations. Why is this? Primarily because modern parents those born in the 60s, 70s, and 80s are not as comfortable setting down rules and demanding respect from children as their parents were when they were growing up. Our generation was taught to embrace the notion that authority should not be questioned or challenged. We were ingrained with the democratic principles that everyone should be treated equally, and therefore we have a much harder time than our parents did of putting ourselves in the role of the absolute authoritarian. The parenting standard You will do it because Im your parent and I said so was an accepted rationale when we were growing up, but no longer feels right to us as we parent our children. Not only do todays parents have difficulty commanding authority, but modern children do not possess that instinctive sense of how to obey their parents that was present just a generation or two ago. The human rights movement of the 1960s shifted our traditional mores. Duty and obedience were basic universal values in earlier eras, and people were expected to be submissive to higher authorities. Today, submissiveness and obedience at home, on TV, and in schools are outdated principles. Compare, for instance, the attitudes toward parenting and portrayal of child-adult relationships in popular family-themed TV shows from previous generations, such as My Three Sons, Brady Bunch, A Family Affair, and recent shows, such as Modern Family, The Simpsons, and 8 Simple Rules, and the dramatic shift in culture and attitude is quickly demonstrated. American culture values democracy, individualism and independence. Children have no point of reference and no models of obedient behavior. Todays children are simply following the trend. Consciously or unconsciously they have picked up on the ethics of their home and their society. They want to be treated with respect and dignity just like everyone else. There is no frame of reference of dutiful, obedient, submissive behavior for them. Society has unwittingly taught children to fight for their rights, and children are balking at the slightest attempts to reign in their negative behavior. It might sound ridiculous initially, but kids have difficulty listening (or behaving) because they are being told not to by the underlying messages of our homes, school and culture. Adults uncomfortable asserting their authority and children unable to accept it creates a complex situation for parents. Attempting to manage their homes on the principles of individualism, independence, and democracy, parents regularly face behavior and obedience challenges. For children to grow up productive and emotionally healthy they need authority figures in their lives. Those authority figures need to be their parents and teachers. Without limits and rules, children are unhappy, stressed, anxious and depressed. So underneath all their bluster, kids really want to learn how to listen to their parents. They want to respect their parents and they want parents to teach them how to comply and obey their rules. 4. Children Will Routinely Misbehave It is helpful for parents to know that most children will misbehave and will not listen, at least on occasion. Non-compliant behavior is a normal part of the parent-child interaction. Most young children and even teens lack self-control until they have more life experience. As they mature, they slowly learn the rules of how to behave and be more compliant.


Parents roles include disciplining their children and teaching them to listen. Discipline need not and should not be punitive. It really means teaching children the rules for living. A key component of that is teaching children good listening skills. As we move forward in the course, we need to keep in mind the following observations in order to help children listen:

1. Listening is tough for kids. 2. They need us to respect their instinct for independence. 3. They want to be obedient but dont know how. 4. Misbehavior is a natural part of growing up.

Consequently, when we are helping and teaching our kids to listen to us, we need to do the following:

1. Understand that listening is a learned skill and is not instinctive. 2. Ask children to comply with our wishes in a way that does not compromise their independence. 3. Find ways to maintain authority kindly and gently so that kids have an easier time accepting our authority. 4. View misbehavior as an opportunity to teach and guide, and not automatically assume it is a defect that can be

corrected only through punitive action.

Setting Up a Home Environment That Will Promote Successful Listening In this section we will discuss how parents can set up the home for successful listening. The easiest way to accomplish this is to ensure that the home environment is conducive to cooperation. Routines and child-friendly conditions go a long way in helping children learn to listen. 1. Establishing Routines and Predictability Children thrive on predictability and routine. To help them listen, we need to maintain a predictable schedule. When children know what is expected of them, they have a much easier time listening, and are much more likely to be cooperative. Conversely, when children do not know what to expect, they are most inclined to be argumentative and oppositional. Mornings This may not be welcome news for some parents, but we all need to hear it: morning starts at night. Specifically, we need to start preparing for our mornings the night before. Although this seems obvious, most of us are tired at night and dont have the energy needed to organize ourselves for the next day. But the more structured we are, the easier it is for kids to listen. The evenings are the best time to straighten the house, prepare lunches, backpacks, and sign homework and permission slips. Lay out their clothing for the next day (or have older children pick out the clothing) and make sure it is clean and ready to wear. A few minutes of organizing at night will go a long way toward ensuring a peaceful morning. It is easier for kids to listen and cooperate when their parents are calm and prepared (Hadley & Schuele, 1998).


Evenings Having a schedule set for the evening hours is critical. Younger children feel more secure when they know: first we have dinner, then we have a bath, then we brush our teeth, etc. They are able to listen better when they know what to expect. Older children find it helpful when they have a set time to do homework, play on the computer, eat dinner and get into bed. The real key to preparing a routine is to involve the child and include his or her input. This feeds into the childs need to be independent and make his/her own decisions. Plan a schedule that works for everyone. Parents can also use charts to help children understand and stick to their routines. Children can make their own charts with some parental supervision. This also helps parents respect their childs need for independence. Depending on the childs age, a written or picture chart can be used (Cooper-Kahn &, Dietzel, 2008). 2. Changing the Environment Parents can be taught to reconfigure their homes in small ways to help children cooperate more easily. For example:

Children need to have their own space with adequate room for organizing their things. This would include shelves, closets, and drawers, even if they are quite small. Young children need coat hooks that are placed where they can actually reach them. Shoes should be put in the same place every day. Their clothing needs to be organized in a way that makes it accessible to them, so that they are not always searching for their pants or shirt. Boundaries should be established and maintained, so that each person in the house has his or her own personal space and privacy. If there are toddlers in the home, some things might need to be put out of reach. Many parents put their toddlers clothing on a top shelf in their

closets so they will not constantly pull all the clothing out of their drawers. Art supplies that need to be used with supervision can also be put on top of the refrigerator or bookcase. While these may seem like very minor points, they can have a major impact on helping children learn listening skills, respect, responsibility, and cooperation. 3. Lousy Local Conditions Braun (2008) asserts that kids challenging behavior can be magnified or even created by environmental conditions. She calls this lousy local conditions. Children have a hard time behaving and complying when they are dragged on one more errand at the end of a long day. Parents may have a harder time with their children right before lunch, when they havent eaten, or at the end of the day when their child has been sitting the whole day in the classroom. Some children may have a heightened sense of smell, hearing, taste, sight and touch. Loud sounds, smells, bright lights and crowds can overwhelm them. They can easily become over-stimulated, causing them to tantrum, become defiant and non-compliant. When a child is comfortable, well-fed and well-rested, she is better able to manage her schoolwork, chores and social activities. Simply put, she is better able to listen. Taking all these points into consideration when planning a childs day can go a long way in ensuring cooperation and good listening.


4. Preparing Children In Advance Perhaps the most effective way to help children listen is to prepare them in advance. Tell them beforehand what is expected of them. Children are not born knowing the rules of society. They do not instinctively know how to comport themselves at a restaurant, on the playground or in a store. It is normal for them to forget their morning and evening routines sometimes. Letting them know the rules beforehand is a kindness. When we wake them up in the morning we can say:

Good morning! Quick review of the morning... we need to wake up, use the bathroom, brush our teeth, eat breakfast and get out the door.

At school, before getting out of the car, you can remind them what to expect:

When I open the door, I want to hold your hand right away. We walk in the street and then we can take a drink at the water fountain and go to your classroom. I can sit with you for five minutes and then it is time for me to go.

Older kids also need reminders:

We expect you to come with us to the Jones for the party. We would like you to say hello, stay for about 20 minutes and then you can meet up with your friends.

Strategies That Encourage Children to Listen In this section we will discuss specific tools and techniques to encourage listening in children. We will present 16 strategies that can be employed to reduce incidences of non-compliance and promote a peaceful environment for parents and children.

1. Empathize As we mentioned earlier, most children have a tough time listening. It is helpful if we acknowledge how difficult it is for them. It is easier for a child to comply when his feelings are validated. Examples:

You seem a bit frustrated that you need to stop playing with your Legos. Doing what you have to do can be tough sometimes.

You really did not want to leave Grandmas. You wish you could have stayed longer.

2. Teach Children about Time Ward (2010) notes that young children think literally and often have trouble comprehending time. Many children are uncomfortable shifting from one activity to the next, and, compounded with their lack of understanding of time, this can lead to non-compliant behaviors. Many arguments and power struggles revolve around these issues of managing time and knowing when to shift activities. Parents can prevent these incidents by showing children what the passage of time feels like. By being as exact as possible, children can develop a more accurate sense of time.


Parents can help their children by demonstrating the actual length of each of the following phrases:

In a minute In 5 minutes In 10 minutes we will

It is helpful to point to the hands on the clock and show them where the hands will be when they need to leave. As they grow a bit older and master time skills, they can be taught to transfer what they know from analog clocks to digital ones. 3. Helping Young Children Listen and Cooperate Levine (1998) describes simple ways to help parents get their young children, including pre-toddlers and toddlers, to listen. This age group is still in the earliest stages of exploring their world and they need help listening to adults and learning rules. Parents can do the following:

Trade: Substitute another toy or object for the one the child should not be playing with. You can take away the crystal vase and replace it with a toy train.

Take action: Tell the child no while

moving in the direction of the child. This way they are getting a verbal message, as well as a visual message, that you are serious about their behavior. Children learn how long you will call their name before you actually do something. That means they will continue to do the forbidden act until you take action. A child will continue to play with the crystal vase until you actually come and take it away.

Distract: As an alternative to trading objects you can try to distract the child before she gets to the forbidden

item. For example, if you see the child heading for the crystal vase you can say, Sam, look here, look here, we have a train!

Change the environment: Remember that children need child-friendly surroundings or activities to keep them

busy. If you are going to a doctors office, it is helpful to bring along toys or books for the wait. If you have breakable objects around the house, you may want to remove them until the children are older (Weitzman, 1992).

Eliminate distractions: Make sure your child can actually hear you. Turn down the television, lower the music on

your CD player or ask them to turn off their video game before you make a request (Grimm, 1988). 4. Make Sure Your Child is Listening When You Give Directions Gain your childs full attention when you give directions. Get down to their eye level or squat down and make eye contact as you are speaking. If you still do not have the childs attention, keep trying to make contact before you deliver your message. Giving your message when you know the child is not listening can actually make the situation worse by communicating that it is OK not to listen to you.


5. Pair Gestures with Directions Give visual cues along with your directions. Children learn to follow directions by your gestures, i.e., pointing to objects and their locations. This naturally aids a childs ability to listen. Examples:

Come here while motioning for your child to come to you. Give it to me while you reach for the item. Go to your room. Its time for bed. While pointing to their room or making a hand signal for sleep (Haebig et al., 2012; Grimm, 1988).

6. Speak Clearly and Slowly Children can process directions better when the words are enunciated and not rushed. It sometimes helps to exaggerate your tone and inflection. 7. Use Repetition Repeat directions. Children need to do some mental work when given directions. They first need to understand the meaning of the words and the sentence structure. Then children need to remember the sequence of the direction. Repetition in a gentle, or even a humorous tone, helps children remember the directions. It is also helpful if you pause to let the directions sink in. 8. Use Chunking Chunking is a technique that you can use when you need to give children two or more directions at one time (Mainela-Arnold et al., 2008; Grimm, 1988). Chunking means that you say related directions in one breath. It is easy to remember and recall information if it is chunked according to its similarities: Chunk 1: Eat your peas and drink your milk. Then Chunk 2: Clear your plate and put in the sink.

Make sure you give your child directions with the number of chunks your child can understand. (See strategy no. 14, the hierarchy of learning to listen to directions.) 9. Select Words at Your Childs Level of Comprehension Utilize words that children use regularly when giving directions, for example, Bye, Bye when you are leaving. Short and simple sentences are also easier for children to understand, such as Shoes on or Into the car. 10. Singing Singing directions is very helpful in gaining childrens cooperation because it is fun. Most parents are familiar with the cleanup song. Parents can also sing to move children from one activity to another, i.e., We are brushing our teeth and getting into the bath. This skill is wonderful for young preschoolers. It is a great way to encourage language, attention, turn-taking and coping with transitions. Studies have shown that music improves mood, decreases muscle tension and increases feelings of relaxation (Thompson, 2003, p.127; Cooke & Williams, 1987, p.39).


11. Provide Clear Feedback Reinforce good listening by letting your child know what they did right. You can say, I asked you to put your shoes on and your shoes are on! If they do not follow your directions, avoid getting angry. Repeat the directions with gestures, short utterances, chunking or any of the other suggestions listed here. 12. Understand Your Childs Language Development Give directions according to your childs current language developmental stage. The hierarchy for learning to listen to directions is the following (adapted from Weitzman, 1992; Grimm, 1988). Your child understands:

Simple directions with gestures (Bye-bye time while waiving and pointing to the door). Simple directions without gestures (Sit down, Eat up, Bring me your shoes). Two simple related directions about the same object (Get your coat and put it on). Two-part directions about unrelated objects (Go to the pantry and get me the cereal, Go to the closet and get

your shoes). Two-part directions involving two actions (Give me the toy and put your glass on the table). Three-part unrelated directions involving three actions (Put your toys away, wash your hands and go outside).

The keys to helping children listen are having predictable routines, setting up the home so that it is conducive to cooperation, and learning the conditions under which children listen best. 13. Use Neutral Language We all want our children or those with whom we work to listen to us. Unfortunately, even the most thoughtful adults sometime speak to children in a way that is off-putting and counterproductive. Without realizing it, adults can be chipping away at the childs self-esteem by using language that is discouraging. We often unintentionally use a blaming or accusing tone with children. This does not help us gain their cooperation, and worse it discourages them from listening (Ginott, 1971; Faber & Mazlish, 1999). It sets a negative tone, and usually brings on defensive behavior that can lead to power struggles. A better way is to keep language neutral. When we speak to children in a more respectful manner, we encourage cooperation, teamwork and good listening. We will get better responses by using language that is non-confrontational and focused on the end result. Examples of Neutral Language Instead of Blaming or Accusing Language:

Blaming/Accusing Language Neutral Language

Why do you always throw your coat on the floor? Coats belong in the closet.

Why are you always yelling about everything? I can hear you better when you use a calm voice.

Just pick a video already! Time is short. A video needs to be decided on now.

Neutral language helps children think constructively instead of putting them on guard. They are likely to focus on the content of what you are saying instead of focusing on Adults are always nagging and bothering me.


Communication between adults and children does not need to be fraught with tension. Using neutral and non-confrontational language aids them in learning to listen and helps parents feel in control and kids feeling encouraged. 14. Be an Asking Parent Because children do not like direct commands it is helpful to find alternative ways of getting them to respond positively. One way is to be an asking parent instead of a telling parent. That is, instead of telling children what to do all the time, we can ask questions that will engage their cooperation and involve them in resolving everyday problems. A telling parent uses commands to communicate with their children:

Wash your face! Take out the garbage! Stop bothering me!

Using commands and telling children what to do diminishes their ability to think independently. These practices can also create power struggles. As we have already discussed, children have a hard time listening because they need to feel independent and in control. We can help kids listen by leading them to think for themselves. This gives them the feeling of autonomy that they crave. It is also a crucial life skill because as parents, teachers, and therapists, we arent always going to be there for our children. They need opportunities to develop their own judgment and use their own instincts. They need to make mistakes and learn from them. Being an asking parent helps children gain these skills. This is a skill that can be used with children of all ages. It aids their understanding of questions and gets them thinking about problem-solving and solutions. It is important to note that children might need to be five or six years old before they are able to answer you. In our everyday interactions with children we can practice having them think for themselves. Instead of telling them what to do, we can use thinking questions that involve them and let them know their opinion counts. It is a positive way to engage childrens cooperation, while at the same time fostering independence. It also helps children accept adults as authority figures and promotes obedient behavior. Examples of Asking vs. Telling Communication

TELLING: ASKING:

Wash your face! What can you do to make sure your face is clean?

Take out the garbage! What was the job that you agreed to do when we last spoke?

Stop bothering me! What can you do to keep busy until I finish my phone call?


Diann Grimm (1988) compiled a list of everyday situations in which you can implement this strategy to help children develop thinking and judgment skills and reduce power struggles caused by demanding that children follow directions.

ACTIVITY QUESTIONS TO ENGAGE COOPERATION

Getting dressed in the morning What is the best way for you to get dressed?

Mealtime What is the best way to make healthy choices?

Riding in the car How can we make this a pleasant ride?

Going shopping How can you let me know when you get tired and you are ready to go home?

Playtime What is the best way for you to share this new toy?

Watching TV How can we be sure that we are watching appropriate shows?

Bath time What can we do to keep the splashing at a minimum?

Reading a story Which book should we read first?

Bedtime How can we be sure that bedtime will go smoothly?

Constantly listening to commands can make a child feel nagged and disrespected. He might think, My mom is so mean! She is always telling me what to do! Instead, when asked for his input, he starts to look at himself as a person who can make good decisions about taking care of his belongings. He feels capable and responsible, and begins the process of thinking, Hey, if my Mom/Dad is asking me what I can do to be a part of the solution, they believe that I can handle my own problems. An asking parent is more likely to be tuned in than tuned out! And as an added bonus, it stimulates language development. This communication technique helps us help our kids to listen while respecting their natural instinct for independence. This tool also assists parents in maintaining their authority in a positive manner. 15. Give Choices An additional strategy to help children listen and develop a sense of independence is to give them choices within a safe framework, of course.

Giving children choices teaches them how to make decisions. It also builds their self-esteem as they learn to develop problem-solving skills. This makes them feel more powerful and in control of their lives. They become better listeners and more cooperative. Choices also allow parents to maintain their authority figure positions. Children need to comply with their parents requests, but they get to choose the method. It is a win/win situation. There is one catch. We need to be positive. Many parents have a hard time using this parenting technique appropriately. Parents will often give their children choices that are not really choices at all. They might say, for example:

You can wear shoes outside or not go out! You can get dressed or you can stay in your room the whole day! You can play with your friend nicely or I will send her home.

Choices like these are not really choices at all. They are just another attempt to force children into obeying. They do not reinforce or support a childs need for independence.


In order to help children feel in charge and build self-respect, parents need to give children two positive choices, either of which is alright with the parent. For example:

Do you want to go outside with your sneakers or your sandals? Do you want to wear your blue pants or green pants? Do you want to share your dolls or your blocks with your friend?

Positive choices allow children to exercise their decision-making skills. Parents find it useful because it focuses children on the task at hand. It helps children practice being independent while still feeling secure because parents have structured the choices. What about older children and teens? Parents can give the following choices:

I need help setting the table. Can you do it now or in ten minutes? We need to leave in 15 minutes. Do you want to have breakfast now or on the go? When are you planning on doing your homework, before or after dinner?

Choices are a very simple way to teach both younger and older children to listen while acknowledging their instinct for independence. It is also a simple and gentle way for parents to maintain their authority in their home. 16. Teach Children to Think about Solutions One of the best ways to help children learn to listen is to ask them to assist you in thinking of solutions to everyday domestic problems. It is also helpful to ask their opinions, empower them to help themselves and praise solution-oriented thinking (Lazzari & Peters, 1989; Novak, 2002). When we do this, we again show respect for childrens need for independence. We also maintain our authority in our home by being the benevolent ruler, gently showing that we are in charge. When there is a problem at home we can say, Lets focus on solutions. We can then ask some questions to promote problem-solving skills:

What can we do as a family to make sure that everyone gets to the dinner table on time? I bought a box of cookies. What can we do to make sure that they are shared evenly in the house? There has been some fighting about the Wii. How can we work this out? Sam feels like his job is too hard. Can we help him think of a solution?

We can also ask for childrens opinions:

We have 3 stores to go to, which one should we go to first? Grandma and Grandpa are coming to visit. Do you think they will want one or two pillows? We need to buy a gift for Aunt Sara. Should we get her a sweater or a book? What do you think?

Finally, as parents we want to reinforce thinking that is solution-oriented. Any attempts by children to come up with a solution should be noted and acknowledged (Easley & Glasser, 2008; Johnston & Reichle, 1993).

That is an interesting idea. We should try it. That is thinking out of the box. I am glad we are a family that focuses on solutions.

Helping children learn to listen takes some time and a little forethought. Teaching your child to think about solutions will give you a partner who will be more likely to listen as you solve lifes little and big problems together.


Accepting Rules and Limits In this section we will discuss how to help children accept rules and limits when they are being argumentative.

Children and Rules Realistically, when we make rules for children or ask them to do something, we should not expect that they can or even want to listen to us. Children are frustrated by their parents constant requests and demands. It is only natural for them to seek ways not to comply. Arguing is one of those ways. Arguing is a tactic that can drive parents crazy. When children argue, they are usually rude and disrespectful. This type of behavior leads us straight into some sort of power struggle and conflict. Parents forget about setting limits and maintaining their authority and, instead, focus on trying to improve poor behavior.

When we expend a lot of energy fighting and arguing with our children, there usually isnt a lot left over to help them learn to listen and comply. We may not realize it, but when children argue, they do it to distract us from the real issues at hand. They do it in order to undermine our authority.

To explain this concept fully, here is an example of a dialogue in which a teen uses arguing to avoid following rules:

Mom: Honey, you need to take out the garbage before you go to the mall with your friends. Daughter: Cant I do it when I get home? Mom: No, you need to do it now! Daughter: Well, that is so dumb! Why cant I just do it later? Whats the big deal?

You just dont understand how shopping is so important for me! Mom: How can you say that? Of course I know how important it is to you. Daughter: I can say whatever I want! I hate your rules. You are so mean! Mom: You are so fresh!

The battle only worsens from here. Tensions escalate with no end in sight.

A better way of handling this kind of scenario is to ignore the arguing and concentrate on the mission of getting children to listen and observe the rules. We need to stay calm when children argue. The following phrases are useful in helping adults maintain composure and authority: Nevertheless., That is not the issue, My decision is final, or I am not going to change my mind about this.

Mom: Honey, You need to take out the garbage before you go to the mall with your friends. Daughter: Cant I do it when I get home? Mom: No you need to do it now! Daughter: Well, that is so dumb! Why cant I just do it later? Whats the big deal?

You just dont understand how shopping is so important for me! Mom: Nevertheless, this is the rule. Daughter: Well, that is the dumbest rule I ever heard. Its just because you dont know the first thing about clothing and you never wear anything nice!

Mom: My decision about the garbage and the mall is final. Daughter: I hate your rules. You are so mean! Mom: That is not the issue. Daughter: Fine, I am going to let my own daughter do whatever she wants! Mom: I am not going to change my mind about this.


There are other phrases that can help parents maintain their authority calmly and firmly when children argue about the rules. Betsy Brown Braun, in her book Just Tell Me What to Say (2008) gives the following suggestions:

Do I look like the kind of mom who is going to change her mind? I have made my decision, and I am not going to change my mind. Regardless of the names that you call me, you still cannot go until you (take out the garbage) Regardless of how you feel about me, you still need to (take out the garbage before you go) I know you feel like it is unfair, however you still need to (come with me to the supermarket, take out the

garbage) We dont change the rule after it has been broken. I am done talking about this.

These phrases help us avoid getting pulled into an argument with our kids. It helps us maintain our authority and dignity. It helps us keep the peace even in the most trying interactions. In the long run, it also teaches our children respectful communication and that bad manners and rudeness will not get us to back down and rethink our rules.

Conclusion Clinicians play a key role in educating parents and caregivers on how to help children learn to listen and in managing and reducing their childrens non-compliant behavior. Once parents understand the underlying factors of their childrens resistant behavior, they can effectively implement the strategies outlined to set up their home and routines in a manner that promotes successful listening. By modifying the specific tools and techniques presented to fit their individual home environments, parents can take a proactive role in helping their children to listen. When non-compliance and misbehavior does occur, as it inevitably will from time to time (even when all the strategies discussed here are employed), parents can use the devices illustrated to help their children accept rules and limits. By implementing the practical, effective strategies presented here, parents and other adults can encourage children to listen so that their relationships do not have to be characterized by power struggles and frustration. They can then move on to other important social and educational developmental tasks.


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Abstract:Learning Objectives:1. Describe four reasons why children fail to listen to adults2. List four ways to set up homes and plan for successful listening and cooperation3. Identify 16 tools that can help encourage and facilitate listening skills in children4. Identify four phrases that parents can use to stop arguing with children and enforce their rulesAuthor Bio:Adina Soclof, MS, CCC-SLP, a certified Speech-Language Pathologist, received her masters degree from Hunter College in New York in Communication Sciences. She worked as a Speech Pathologist in preschools for the developmentally disabled in the New Yo...Helping Children Learn to ListenIntroductionMy kids don't listen to me!My kids are so stubborn and strong willed!Why wont my kids follow the simplest directions?How can I make my kids listen?Complaints like these are so common among parents that one might conclude that not listening is the norm rather than the exception among children. In fact, failure to listen is a common occurrence among all children at least some of the time. When...There are two general types of children who are chronically poor listeners: children with oppositional or conduct disorders and those with communication disorders. These are obviously two very different groups, and the approaches to remediation will b...Therefore, the first order of business in this course will be to address the question: what kinds of children can benefit from the strategies and interventions discussed here? For starters, we might place children into one of three very general catego...1. Typically developing children2. Children with language delays or communication issues3. Children with oppositional defiant and conduct disordersOf these three groups, the first two will be good candidates for the techniques provided in this course. Typically developing children may be poor listeners for a variety of reasons that will be described herein. The interventions described here will ...The third group, however children with more serious behavior disorders are not likely to benefit from the interventions described in this course. These children and adolescents have underlying behavior patterns that will require serious and ongoin...The second question to be addressed here is: what is the age range of children who are likely to respond to this type of training? The answer is that most of the techniques described here can be tailored to the age and development level of the child o...Why Are Children Non-Compliant?In this section we will list four psychological and sociological reasons why children are non-compliant and have trouble listening. It should be understood that these dynamics are common to all children, not only those with language delays.1. Listening is Difficult for ChildrenOne of the major reasons why children do not listen and are non-compliant and is because listening is not easy.Children have a hard time listening. Adults who have to sit in long meetings and lectures can commiserate. It takes a lot of concentration and energy to listen. Listening requires quiet and an ability to attend to your surroundings and to discern the ...Sometimes children have been listening the whole day at school and when they come home they are tired. Often they are immersed in pretend play, reading, video games or TV and they truly dont hear their parents.What we perceive as non-compliant or strong-willed behavior can also just be a child struggling to listen. Children with auditory processing issues and other language disorders have a harder time than other children (Hoskins & Collins, 1979), but modi...It is important to remember that children usually want to do the right thing. They need their parents love and, even more so, their approval. If children are not listening it is probably because they truly can't. This is one of the points of departur...2. Children Need IndependenceChildren, like all human beings, possess a strong desire for independence. It is actually a basic human need. Being independent makes us feel that we have some control over our decisions and our fate. We are empowered by knowing that we can think for ..."You don't need to listen to anyone. You are your own boss. You can do your own thing!"This idea is better understood when put into adult terms. Imagine your reaction if your spouse said to you:"Take out the garbage now!""It is time to go. Stop cooking dinner and come with me!"We would experience similar inner voices:"You don't need to listen to anyone; dont tell me to take out the garbage; tell him to take it out himself.You are your own boss and you can do your own thing. You can cook when you want to cook and leave when you want to leave.3. Democracy Works for Countries, Not FamiliesThe case can be made that children today have a tougher time listening to authoritative figures than children in earlier generations. Why is this? Primarily because modern parents those born in the 60s, 70s, and 80s are not as comfortable setti...4. Children Will Routinely MisbehaveIt is helpful for parents to know that most children will misbehave and will not listen, at least on occasion. Non-compliant behavior is a normal part of the parent-child interaction. Most young children and even teens lack self-control until th...Parents roles include disciplining their children and teaching them to listen. Discipline need not and should not be punitive. It really means teaching children the rules for living. A key component of that is teaching children good listening ski...In this section we will discuss how parents can set up the home for successful listening. The easiest way to accomplish this is to ensure that the home environment is conducive to cooperation. Routines and child-friendly conditions go a long way in he...1. Establishing Routines and PredictabilityChildren thrive on predictability and routine. To help them listen, we need to maintain a predictable schedule. When children know what is expected of them, they have a much easier time listening, and are much more likely to be cooperative. Conversely...MorningsWhen a child is comfortable, well-fed and well-rested, she is better able to manage her schoolwork, chores and social activities. Simply put, she is better able to listen.4. Preparing Children In AdvancePerhaps the most effective way to help children listen is to prepare them in advance. Tell them beforehand what is expected of them.Children are not born knowing the rules of society. They do not instinctively know how to comport themselves at a restaurant, on the playground or in a store. It is normal for them to forget their morning and evening routines sometimes. Letting them k...When we wake them up in the morning we can say:10. SingingSinging directions is very helpful in gaining childrens cooperation because it is fun. Most parents are familiar with the cleanup song. Parents can also sing to move children from one activity to another, i.e., We are brushing our teeth and getting ...13. Use Neutral LanguageWe all want our children or those with whom we work to listen to us. Unfortunately, even the most thoughtful adults sometime speak to children in a way that is off-putting and counterproductive. Without realizing it, adults can be chipping away at...We often unintentionally use a blaming or accusing tone with children. This does not help us gain their cooperation, and worse it discourages them from listening (Ginott, 1971; Faber & Mazlish, 1999). It sets a negative tone, and usually brings on...A better way is to keep language neutral. When we speak to children in a more respectful manner, we encourage cooperation, teamwork and good listening. We will get better responses by using language that is non-confrontational and focused on the end r...Examples of Neutral Language Instead of Blaming or Accusing Language:Neutral language helps children think constructively instead of putting them on guard. They are likely to focus on the content of what you are saying instead of focusing on Adults are always nagging and bothering me.Communication between adults and children does not need to be fraught with tension. Using neutral and non-confrontational language aids them in learning to listen and helps parents feel in control and kids feeling encouraged.14. Be an Asking ParentBecause children do not like direct commands it is helpful to find alternative ways of getting them to respond positively. One way is to be an asking parent instead of a telling parent. That is, instead of telling children what to do all the time,...Examples of Asking vs. Telling CommunicationAn asking parent is more likely to be tuned in than tuned out! And as an added bonus, it stimulates language development. This communication technique helps us help our kids to listen while respecting their natural instinct for independence. This to...16. Teach Children to Think about SolutionsOne of the best ways to help children learn to listen is to ask them to assist you in thinking of solutions to everyday domestic problems. It is also helpful to ask their opinions, empower them to help themselves and praise solution-oriented thinking ...When there is a problem at home we can say, Lets focus on solutions. We can then ask some questions to promote problem-solving skills:We can also ask for childrens opinions:Finally, as parents we want to reinforce thinking that is solution-oriented. Any attempts by children to come up with a solution should be noted and acknowledged (Easley & Glasser, 2008; Johnston & Reichle, 1993).Helping children learn to listen takes some time and a little forethought. Teaching your child to think about solutions will give you a partner who will be more likely to listen as you solve lifes little and big problems together.Accepting Rules and LimitsIn this section we will discuss how to help children accept rules and limits when they are being argumentative.Children and RulesRealistically, when we make rules for children or ask them to do something, we should not expect that they can or even want to listen to us. Children are frustrated by their parents constant requests and demands. It is only natural for them to seek w...Arguing is a tactic that can drive parents crazy. When children argue, they are usually rude and disrespectful. This type of behavior leads us straight into some sort of power struggle and conflict. Parents forget about setting limits and maintaining ...When we expend a lot of energy fighting and arguing with our children, there usually isnt a lot left over to help them learn to listen and comply. We may not realize it, but when children argue, they do it to distract us from the real issues at hand....To explain this concept fully, here is an example of a dialogue in which a teen uses arguing to avoid following rules:Mom: Honey, you need to take out the garbage before you go to the mall with your friends.Daughter: Cant I do it when I get home?Mom: No, you need to do it now!Daughter: Well, that is so dumb! Why cant I just do it later? Whats the big deal?You just dont understand how shopping is so important for me!Mom: How can you say that? Of course I know how important it is to you.Daughter: I can say whatever I want! I hate your rules. You are so mean!Mom: You are so fresh!The battle only worsens from here. Tensions escalate with no end in sight.A better way of handling this kind of scenario is to ignore the arguing and concentrate on the mission of getting children to listen and observe the rules. We need to stay calm when children argue. The following phrases are useful in helping adults ma...Mom: Honey, You need to take out the garbage before you go to the mall with your friends.Daughter: Cant I do it when I get home?Mom: No you need to do it now!Daughter: Well, that is so dumb! Why cant I just do it later? Whats the big deal?You just dont understand how shopping is so important for me!Mom: Nevertheless, this is the rule.Daughter: Well, that is the dumbest rule I ever heard. Its just because you dont know the first thing about clothing and you never wear anything nice!Mom: My decision about the garbage and the mall is final.Daughter: I hate your rules. You are so mean!Mom: That is not the issue.Daughter: Fine, I am going to let my own daughter do whatever she wants!Mom: I am not going to change my mind about this.There are other phrases that can help parents maintain their authority calmly and firmly when children argue about the rules. Betsy Brown Braun, in her book Just Tell Me What to Say (2008) gives the following suggestions: Do I look like the kind of mom who is going to change her mind? I have made my decision, and I am not going to change my mind. Regardless of the names that you call me, you still cannot go until you (take out the garbage) Regardless of how you feel about me, you still need to (take out the garbage before you go) I know you feel like it is unfair, however you still need to (come with me to the supermarket, take out the garbage) We dont change the rule after it has been broken. I am done talking about this.These phrases help us avoid getting pulled into an argument with our kids. It helps us maintain our authority and dignity. It helps us keep the peace even in the most trying interactions. In the long run, it also teaches our children respectful commun...Lang Speech Hear Serv Sch, 0: 0161-1461_2012_11-0069.Mogel, Wendy. (2001). The Blessing of a Skinned Knee. NY: Penguin Group.