Download pdf - from the everyday NARCISSISTtest.simversity.com.s3.amazonaws.com/plain/...from the everyday NARCISSIST MELISSA SCHENKER & TINA MOODY Schenker/Sweet Relief from the Everyday Narcissist/Cover

from the everyday NARCISSIST

M E L I S S A S C H E N K E R & T I N A M O O D YM E L I S S A S C H E N K E R & T I N A M O O D YM E L I S S A S C H E N K E R & T I N A M O O D YM E L I S S A S C H E N K E R & T I N A M O O D YM E L I S S A S C H E N K E R & T I N A M O O D Y

Schenker/Sweet Relief from the Everyday Narcissist/Cover CMYK

Are your relationships at home or work causing you more distress than happiness?

Do the words “healthy partnership” sound ironic? If so, you might be involved with a narcissist—a self-absorbed spouse, family member, friend, boss, or coworker. Most of us don’t realize it, but we encoun-ter narcissists every day, in every walk of life. Surprisingly, even the people we hold nearest to our hearts could be narcissists.

If you are in a diffi cult relationship, it’s time to step back, get perspective and make healthy changes in your life. Sweet Relief is the book that shows how to put your feelings fi rst, take charge of your emotional health, and make room for positive growth and emotional success in your life.

Whether your problems happen at home or at work, Sweet Relief gives you guidance and tools to

Learn how to spot narcissism Identify unsatisfying relationships Cope with any confusing feelings Overcome fear or avoidance of confl ict Take care of your emotional needs Improve your relationships Move forward with confi dence and compassion

“ About 17 percent of the population has some kind of personality disorder, with narcis-sism leading the pack by a mile. Sweet Relief gives you everything you need to spot these individuals and maintain your own health and sanity when dealing with them. In short, this book is a blessing!”

— Christiane Northrup, MD, ob/gyn and author of New York Times bestsellers Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom and ! e Wisdom of Menopause

“ Powerful information for anyone coping with a one-way relationship.”— Randi Kreger, coauthor of Stop Walking on Eggshells, author of ! e Essential Family

Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder, and owner of www.BPDcentral.com

www.sweetreliefworks.com$16.95 Self-help

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Chapter 1 | Signs of Narcissism

This chapter is designed to give you the simple, basic information you need to determine if narcissism is a factor in your relationship. The basics are the same whether the relationship is romantic, family, friend, colleague, co-worker, or anyone else. Relationally debilitating self-absorption is not confi ned to one gender.

A Brief Look at the Other Person

At fi rst glance, narcissism is di! cult to detect. It is easy to get involved with a narcissist without knowing. Initially most nar-cissists are quite likable, charming even, and it’s easy to get into the relationship without noticing the warning signs, even if you’ve become educated about narcissism. Most clues in the beginning of a relationship are obscure. Once you develop aware-ness, however, the signs can be more evident. A little further into the relationship, the signs can be increasingly clear.

A list of things to look for in a narcissist:

Seems likable, is generally charming or highly engaging with people who pique his interest, especially in the early days of the relationship.

Prefers to be the center of attention, the life of the party, the expert, the star.

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8 | sweet relief from the everyday narcissist chapter 1: signs of narcissism | 9

Does not ask many questions about what is going on with other people. If he does ask questions, he doesn’t listen well to answers. Your activities, your opinions, your past, your emotional state will not get much attention. A narcissist who asks after your welfare is generally after only short an-swers. One follow-up question is usually as far as it will go. One question about you per conversation is normal for a narcissist.

Forgets things you’ve told him about yourself, details of your past, your likes or dislikes, your plans.

Brags about himself or his accomplishments.

Name-drops.

Lights up when praised.

Doesn’t consider someone else’s point of view; can’t put himself in someone else’s “shoes.”

Has few real friends, although there may be a lot of people around him. Most friends are work related. He doesn’t take the initiative to maintain relationships beyond the initial stages.

Is unaware of and unconcerned about his impact on an-other person. For example, he’s unaware and unapologetic about his impact on your schedule.

Expects you to accommodate him but does not reciprocate.

Insists on his way and can be di!cult to deal with if he doesn’t get it.

Can be a workaholic, or a “one-trick pony” of sorts, and has few, if any, interests outside of that singular talent.



Is image-conscious; likes status symbols and seeks to adopt the accepted trappings of his particular social or work scene.

Dismisses viewpoints that contradict his opinions. May ask for your preference but will still do it his way.

Does things primarily because they look good or are im-pressive, rather than because he enjoys them or cares about them.

Compares himself to other successful people; either comes up short and uses it as motivation to strive, or comes up as better and is self-satisfied.

Makes agreements, but does not necessarily keep them. Fre-quently neglects to inform others that he’s no longer going to keep an agreement.

Meets your anger with his own ire which diverts attention from addressing your issues.

Likes to associate with those he admires.

Is readily sensitive to perceived slights.

Is very sensitive to criticism.

Does things “for” other people—but without finding out what the other person might actually like. If a narcissist is told by the other person what she really wants, he frequently will hear it as criticism and may go on to do something en-tirely di"erent.

Is unable to access any insight about his own emotional state without being led. He may identify his emotions but usually only after someone else has made observations about him. He will discuss these emotions or conditions, but only after



someone else has identified them. For instance, a narcissist may say he’s “depressed” but only after someone else has named it.

Is not able to articulate his own emotional needs, nor is he able to take action on his own behalf to meet his own emo-tional needs.

A Look at You

Another way to consider whether or not you are in relationship with a narcissist is to look at what is going on with you and your own reactions to the other person. There is a basic framework most narcissists use to operate in the world. As a result, there are common elements in how most of us react when we are involved with them. Also, there are some common characteristics among people who are likely to become involved in a personal relationship with a narcissist. Whether you are in a troublesome work relationship or a di!cult personal relationship, the dynamics and your reactions are likely to be the same. Here are some things to look for in yourself.

A list of things to look for in you. Are you:

your way?

of his resistance to talking about them?



the case of a love relationship), or for the duration of a

started out so well?

attention your way?

with this person?

daily basis, and disconcerted about what has happened to the relationship overall?

to keep the relationship moving smoothly?

domineering, or self-centered parent or in a chaotic environment?

conversely highly dependent?

relationship?

in the relationship, thinking there is something you should be able to do better that would make the relationship work?



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