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Everyone Communicates – Few Connect
John C. Maxwell©
Contents of Book
Part I Connecting Principles
1. ConnectingIncreasesYourInfluenceinEverySituation
2. Connecting is All About Others
3. ConnectingGoesBeyondWords
4. ConnectingAlwaysRequiresEnergy
5. ConnectingisMoreSkillthanNaturalTalent
Part II Connecting Practices
6. ConnectorsConnectonCommonGround
7. ConnectorsDotheDifficultWorkofKeepingItSimple
8. ConnectorsCreateanExperienceEveryoneEnjoys
9. ConnectorsInspirePeople
10. ConnectorsLiveWhatTheyCommunicate
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1Connecting Increases Your Influence In Every Situation
“The#1criteriaforadvancementandpromotionforprofessionalsisanability tocommunicateeffectively.”-RalphG.Nichols
PresidentialhistorianRobertDalleksaysthatsuccessfulpresidentsexhibitfiveskillsandqualitiesthatenablethemtoachievethingsthatothersdon’t.
1. _____________ 4. ______________
2. _____________ 5. ______________
3. __________________________
Connectingistheabilityto_____________withpeopleand__________totheminsuchawaythatitincreasesourinfluencewiththem.
Leadershipis_______________.
Connecting Signals
ExtraEffort–peoplegotheextramile•
Unsolicited_______________–theysaypositivethings•
Unguarded______________–theydemonstratetrust•
Increased_______________–theyexpressthemselvesmorereadily•
Enjoyable______________–theyfeelgoodaboutwhatthey’redoing•
Emotional______________–theydisplayaconnectiononanemotionallevel•
Positive________________–theiremotional“batteries”arechargedbybeingtogether•
Growing_____________–theireffectivenessisgreaterthanthesumofthecontributions•
Unconditional____________–theyareacceptingwithoutreservation•
JorgeRodriquez–TheBankRobber
JorgeRodriguezwasanOldWestbankrobberfromMexicowhooperatedalongtheTexasborderaround1900.RodriguezwassosuccessfulthattheTexasRangersestablishedaspecialforcetotryandstophim.
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Lateoneafternoon,oneofthesespecialrangerssawRodriguezslippingacrosstheborderbackintoMexicoandtrailedhimatadiscreetdistance.Hewatchedastheoutlawreturnedtohishomevillageandmingledwiththepeopleinthesquare.WhenRodriquezwentintohisfavoritecantinatorelax,theRangerslippedinandmanagedtogetthedroponhim.
Withapistoltothebankrobber’shead,thelawmansaid,“JorgeRodriguez,Iknowwhoyouare.I’vecometogetbackallthemoneythatyouhavestolenfromthebanksinTexas.Unlessyougiveittome,Iamgoingtoblowyourbrainsout.”
Rodriguezcouldseetheman’sbadge,andhecoulddiscernhishostileintent.Buttherewasaproblem.Hedidn’tspeakEnglish.HebeganspeakingrapidlyinSpanish.Buttherangercouldn’tunderstandwhathesaid,becausehedidn’tspeakSpanish.
JustthenayoungboycameupandsaidinEnglish,“Icanhelp.IspeakEnglishandSpanish.Doyouwantmetobeyourtranslator?”
Therangernodded.Theboyquicklyexplainedeverythingtherangerhadsaid.
Nervously,Rodriguezanswered,“TellthebigTexasrangerthatIhavenotspentacentofthemoney.Ifhewillgotothetownwell,facenorth,countdownfivestones,hewillfindalooseonethere.Pullitoutandallthemoneyisbehindthere.Pleasetellhimquickly.”
Theboylookedbackattherangerandsaid,“Senor,JorgeRodriguezisabraveman.Hesaysheisreadytodie.”
Theabilitytoconnectwithothersbeginswith__________________________________.JimCollins, author of GoodtoGreat,observes,“Thosewhobuildgreatcompaniesunderstandthattheultimatethrottleongrowthforanygreatcompanyisnotmarkets,ortechnology,orcompetition,orproducts.Itistheonethingaboveallothers–theabilitytogetandkeepenoughoftherightpeople.”
JayHalloftheconsultingfirmTeleometricshasstudiedtheperformanceof16,000executivesandfoundadirectcorrelationbetweenachievementandtheabilitytocareforandconnectwithpeople.Hereareafewofthefindings:
High Achievers Average Achievers Low Achievers
CaredAboutPeopleAsWell
As .
ConcentratedOn
.
WerePreoccupiedWithTheirOwn
.
ViewedSubordinates
.
WereFocusedMoreonTheir
Own .
ShowedABasic
ofSubordinates
FromThoseUnderThem
WereReluctantto
fromThoseUnderThem
SeekAdvice
Were .ListenedOnlyTo
.
AvoidedCommunicationAnd
ReliedOn .
Question:“DoIconnectbestoneonone,inasmallgroup,orwithanaudience?”
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2Connecting Is All About Others
“Ifyoufirsthelppeoplegetwhattheywant,theywillhelpyougetwhatyouwant.” -ZigZiglar
Why I Focused On Myself Instead of Others
1. _________________________.
Maturity:Theabilitytoseeandactonbehalfof________________.
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2. _________________________.
DearSpeaker:
Youregohasbecomeawallbetweenyourselfandme.You’renotreallyconcernedaboutme,areyou?You’remostlyconcernedaboutwhetherornotthisspeechisreallyworking...aboutwhetherornotyou’redoingagoodjob.You’rereallyafraidthatIwillnotapplaud,aren’tyou?You’reafraidthatIwon’tlaughatyourjokesorcryoveryouremotionalanecdotes.YouaresocaughtupintheissueofhowIamgoingtoreceiveyourspeech,youhaven’tthoughtmuchaboutmeatall.Imighthavelovedyou,butyouaresocaughtupinself-lovethatmineisreallyunnecessary.IfIdon’tgiveyoumyattentionit’sbecauseIfeelsounnecessaryhere.
WhenIseeyouatthemicrophone,IseeNarcissusathismirror...Isyourtiestraight?Isyourhairstraight?Isyourdeportmentimpeccable?Isyourphraseologyperfect?
Youseemincontrolofeverythingbutyouraudience.Youseeeverythingsowell,butus.Butthisblindnesstous,I’mafraid,hasmadeusdeaftoyou.Wemustgonow.Sorry.Callussometimelater.We’llcomebacktoyou...whenyou’rerealenoughtoseeus...afteryourdreamshavebeenshattered...afteryourhearthasbeenbroken...afteryourarrogancehasreckonedwithdespair.Thentherewillberoomforallofusinyourworld.Thenyouwon’tcareifweapplaudyourbrilliance.You’llbeoneofus.
Thenyouwillteardowntheegowallandusethoseverystonestobuildabridgeofwarmrelationship.We’llmeetyouonthatbridge.We’llhearyouthen.Allspeakersarejoyouslyunderstoodwhentheyreachwithunderstanding.
--YourAudience
CalvinMiller,TheEmpoweredCommunicator
3. _________________________________________________.
Toaddvaluetoothers,onemustvalueothers.
3 Connecting Questions
Doyou______________forme?(1)
Canyou______________me?(2)
CanI________________you?(3)
KeyConcept:Connectingbeginswhentheotherpersonfeelsvalued.
Question:“WhatcanIdotoincreasemyvalueofothers?”
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3Connecting Goes Beyond Words
Whenmanypeopletrytocommunicatewithothers,theybelievethemessageisallthatmatters.Buttherealityisthatcommunicationgoeswaybeyondwords.Inanimportantstudy,UCLApsychologyprofessoremeritusAlbertMehrabiandiscoveredthatface-to-facecommunicationscanbebrokendownintothreecomponents:words,toneofvoice,andbodylanguage.Whatmaycomeasasurpriseisthatinsomesituations,whatpeopleseeusdoandthetoneweusecanfaroutweighanywordswesaywhiletryingtocommunicate.Insituationswherefeelingsandattitudesarebeingcommunicated,
Whatwesayaccountsforonly___percentofwhatisbelieved.•
Thewaywesayitaccountsfor____percent.•
Whatothersseeaccountsfor____percent.•
Amazingly,morethan90percentoftheimpressionweoftenconveyhasnothingtodowithwhatweactuallysay.
The3ComponentsofCommunication
_________________:Somethingweknow,
_________________:Somethingwefeel,and
_________________:Somethingwedo.
Ibelievethosethreecomponentsareessentialtoconnectaswell.Failtoincludeanyoneofthethree,andtherewillbeadisconnectionfrompeopleandabreakdownincommunication.Morespecifically,here’showIthinkthebreakdownwouldoccur.IfItrytocommunicate…
SomethingIKnowbutdonotFeel,mycommunicationis___________________
SomethingIKnowbutdonotDo,mycommunicationis__________________
SomethingIFeelbutdonotKnow,mycommunicationis__________________
SomethingIFeelbutdonotDo,mycommunicationis___________________
SomethingIDobutdonotKnow,mycommunicationis___________________
SomethingIDobutdonotFeel,mycommunicationis____________________.
Action:SomethingWeDo…Connecting_______________–WhatPeopleSee
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HenryWardBeecherasserted,“Therearepersonssoradiant,sogenial,sokind,sopleasure-bearing,thatyouinstinctivelyfeelgoodintheirpresencethattheydoyougood,whosecomingintoaroomislikebringingalampthere.”
ToConnectWithPeopleVisually…
ExpandYourRangeof________________(1)
MoveWithaSenseof_______________(2)
MaintainAnOpen________________(3)
Thought:SomethingWeKnow…Connecting__________________–WhatPeopleUnderstand
Anymessageyoutrytoconveytoothersmustcontainapieceofyou.
KnowledgeMustBe___________________
Nothingcanhappenthroughyouuntilithappeninyou.
Experienceisnotonlyagoodteacher.Itisagreat_________________.
Emotion:SomethingWeFeel…Connecting__________________–WhatPeopleFeel
JohnKotter,anauthorandafriend,recentlywroteabooktitledASenseofUrgency. In it he states, “Forcenturieswehaveheardtheexpression,‘Greatleaderswinovertheheartsandmindsofothers.’”Notethathedoesn’tsaythatgreatleaderswinoverthemindsofothers.Nordoeshesaytheywinoverothers’mindsandhearts.Theheartcomesfirst.Andifwedesiretobegoodcommunicators,weneedalwaystokeepthatinmind.Ifyouwanttowinoveranotherperson,firstwinhisheart,andtherestofhimislikelytofollow.
Peoplemayhearyourwordsbuttheyfeelyour_________________.
Peoplewillnotalwaysrememberwhatyousaid.
Theywillnotalwaysrememberwhatyoudid.
But,theywillalwaysrememberhowyoumadethemfeel.
KeyConcept:Themoreyoudotogobeyondwords,thegreaterthechanceyouwillconnect withpeople.
Question:“WhatvisualtechniquedoIneedtoimprovetobetterconnectwithpeople?”
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4Connecting Always Requires Energy
Thinkof3communicatorsthatyouenjoywatchingandlisteningto.
HowIConnectedWithPeopleAftera25YearAbsence
Isearchedformemorabiliaofour______________________.(1)
Iworkedonrememberingtheir______________(2)
Itriedtomakethemfeel____________.(3)
Imademyvisit______________forasmanypeopleaspossible.(4)
Imadeanefforttospend_________________withpeople.(5)
Duringthesermon,Isharedmy______________.(6)
Iacknowledgedthemaspartofmy________________.(7)
The4UnpardonableSinsofaCommunicator
Being… (1)__________________
(2)__________________ Note:3requireeffort!
(3)__________________
(4)__________________
Connecting Requires…
_____________________…Go First!1.
I’vehadtheprivilegeofspeakingafewtimestotheemployeesofWal-Martatthecompany’sheadquartersinBentonville,Arkansas.ThefirsttimeIdidso,Iwastakenonatourofthefacilities,andIwasamazedtoseesignseverywherehighlightingthevaluesandphilosophyoftheorganization.OnthatfirstvisitafterIwasdonespeaking,Itookanotebookandjotteddownthemessagescontainedonmanyofthesigns.Theonethatleftthegreatestimpressiononmewasthe“10FootRule.”Itsaid,
Fromthisdayforward,Isolemnlypromiseanddeclarethateverytimeacustomercomeswithintenfeetofme,Iwillsmile,lookhimintheeye,andgreethim. -SamWalton
“Ifyouwaituntilyoucandoeverythingforeverybody,insteadofsomethingforsomebody,you’llendupnotdoinganythingforanybody.” -MalcolmBane
“Thewisedoesatoncewhatthefooldoesatlast.”–JewishProverb
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Connecting Requires…
________________…Prepare2.
JM’sConnectionChecklist
______________–DidIdomybest?•
______________–DidIpleasemysponsor?•
______________–DidIunderstandandrelatetotheaudience?•
______________–DidIaddvaluetothepeople?•
______________–DidIgivepeopleagame-plan?•
______________–DidImakeadifference?•
Connecting Requires…
______________…Slow Down3.
“Themanwhogoesalonecanstarttheday.Buthewhotravelswithanothermustwaituntiltheotherisready.” -HenryDavidThoreau
Connecting Requires…
_______________…Give4.
Ithoughtaboutwhyyou’resoeasytolistento.TheideaespeciallyintriguedmewhenIthoughtaboutthefactthatit’strueevenwhenpeopleknowthestuffyouaregoingtosay.Anditdefinitelygoesbeyondtheentertainmentvalueofjustgoodstorytelling.
Ithinkitallcomesdowntoacommunicatorwhoisprimarilyagiverinsteadofataker.Thehumanspiritsensesandfeedsonagivingspirit.Thespiritisactuallyrenewedbyateacherwithagivingspirit—thisisprovenbythefactthatwhenpeoplehearwhatyouhavesaidmanytimes,theyarestillfilled.Yourteachingisessentiallygiving,andpeoplecanreceivealldayfromagiver,whiletheytirequicklyofataker.ThinkaboutwhatJesustaught—halfthetimethepeopledidn’tknowwhatHewastalkingabout,buttheylistenedattentively.Jesuswasgiving—feedingthem.Nottaking.Itwasataspirit(heart)level—hewasn’tjustgivinginformation.
Here’showIthinkitworks.Ifcommunicatorsteachoutofneed,insecurity,ego,orevenresponsibility,theyarenotgiving.Theneedypersonwantspraise,somethingtheaudiencemustgive.Theinsecurepersonwantsapprovalandacceptance,somethingtheaudiencemustgive.Theegotisticalpersonwantstobeliftedup,tobesuperiorandjustalittlebitbetterthaneveryoneelse,somethingtheaudiencemustgive.Eventhepersonmotivatedbyresponsibilitywantstoberecognizedasthefaithfulworker,tobeseenasresponsible—somethingtheaudiencemustbestowuponthem.Manycommunicatorsteachinoneofthesetakingmodesallthetimeandarenotawareofit.
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Thenthere’sthegiver.Thispersonteachesoutoflove,grace,gratitude,compassion,passion,andtheoverflow.Theseareallgivingmodes.Ineachofthesemodesoftheheart,theaudiencedoesn’thavetogiveanything—onlyreceive.Theteachingthen,becomesagift.Itfillsandrenews.
Thisisyou.That’swhypeoplecanlistenallday.AsIhavewatchedandlearnedfromyou,youteach99percentofthetimefromthegivingmodes.Onlyveryrarelydoyouslipintoegomode,andinthoseraremomentsInolongerfeellikeyouaregiving.Youaretaking.Thatcancomeoffas,“Iamspecialandalittlebetterthanyou.”Otherthanthoseveryraremoments,Icouldlistentoyouallday.
Connecting Requires…
_________________…Recharge.5.
LorinWoolfe,inTheBibleonLeadership,writes,“Leadershiptakesanalmostbottomlesssupplyofverbalenergy:workingthephones,stayingfocusedonyourmessage,repeatingthesamemantrauntilyoucan’tstandthesoundofyourownvoice—andthenrepeatingitsomemore,becausejustwhenyoustarttobecomeboredwitlesswiththemessage,it’sprobablystartingtoseepintotheorganization.”
IRechargeMyselfby…
Loving___________(1)
Loving_____________________(2)
SpendingTimewith___________________(3)
HandingOff______________Work(4)
____________________(5)
Being _____________(6)
________________(7)
________________(8)
KeyConcept:Thelargerthegroup,themoreenergythatisrequiredtoconnect.
Question:“WhodoIneedtoincreasemyenergywithtoconnectmoreeffectively?HowcanI dothat?”
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5Connecting Is More Skill Than Natural Talent
“Allgreatspeakerswerebadspeakersfirst.” -RalphWaldoEmerson
Greatcommunicatorsarenotallcutfromthesamecloth.Buttheydoallsharetheabilitytoconnect.Andthatdoesnotdevelopbyaccident.Youcannotexpecttosucceedthroughdumbluckasdidtheleaderofawagontrainofpioneersthatwasheadingacrossthewesternplains.Whenalookoutspottedacloudofdustinthedistancemovingtowardthem,theyknewtheywereintrouble.Sureenough,atribeofNativeAmericanbravesthunderedtowardthemandtheleaderorderedthewagonstoformacirclebehindahill.
Whentheleaderofthesettlerssawthetallfigureofachiefsilhouettedagainstthesky,hedecidedtofacethechiefandattempttocommunicatewithhimusingsignlanguage.Soonthechiefbackedawayandreturnedtohismen.
“Whathappened?”thepioneersaskedtheleader.
“Well,asyouprobablysaw,wecouldn’tspeakeachother’slanguage,”hesaid,“soweusedsignlanguage.Idrewacircleinthedustwithmyfingertoshowthatwe’realloneinthisland.Helookedatthecircleanddrewalinethroughit.Hemeant,ofcourse,thattherearetwonationsoursandhis.ButIpointedmyfingertotheskytoindicatethatwearealloneunderGod.Thenhereachedintoapouchandtookoutanonion,whichhegavetome.Naturally,Iunderstoodthatitindicatedthemultiplelayersofunderstandingavailabletoeveryone.ToshowhimthatIunderstoodhismeaning,Iatetheonion.ThenIreachedintomycoatandofferedhimaneggtoshowourgoodwill,buthewastooproudtoacceptmygifthejustturnedandwalkedaway!”
Meanwhilethewarriorswerereadyingforanattackandawaitedtheorderfromtheirchief,buttheoldwarriorhelduphishandandrecountedhisexperience.
“Whenwecameface-to-face,”hesaid,”weimmediatelyknewthatwedidnotspeakthesametongue.Thatmanthendrewacircleinthedust.Iknowhemeantthatweweresurrounded.Idrewalinethroughhiscircletoshowhimthatwewouldcuttheminhalf.Thenheraisedhisfingertotheskyasiftosaythathecouldtakeusonallbyhimself.ThenIgavehimanoniontotellhimthathewouldsoontastethebittertearsofdefeatanddeath.Butheatetheonionindefiance!Thenheshowedmeaneggtotellmehowfragileourpositionis.Theremustbeotherscloseby.Let’sgetoutofhere.”
What Makes People Listen?
Ifyouwanttobeabettercommunicatororabetterleader,youcan’tdependondumbluck.Youmustlearntoconnectwithothersbymakingthemostofwhateverskillsandexperienceyouhave.WhenIlistentogreatcommunicators,Inoticethatthereareahandfuloffactorstheyseemtodrawuponthatcausepeopletolistentothem.Asyoureadaboutthem,thinkaboutwhichofthemyoucouldusetoconnectwithothers:
__________________ – Who You Know1.
__________________ – How You Have Lived2.
__________________ – What You Know3.
__________________ – What You Have Done4.
__________________ – What You Can Do5.
KeyConcept:Theskillsyoulearntoconnectatonelevelcanbeusedtostartconnectingatthenextlevel.
Question:“Whatconnectingskillisastrengthinyourlife?Howcanyoumakeitbetter?”
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6 Connectors Connect on Common Ground
Itisdifficulttofindcommongroundwithotherswhentheonlypersonyouarefocusedonisyourself!
Icontinuetoworkatlearninghowothersthinkandperceivetheworld.RecentlyIreadabookbyTerryFelbercalledAmIMakingMyselfClear?Hesaysthatpeoplehavedifferentrepresentationalsystemsbasedonthefivesensesthatprovidetheprimarybasisfortheirthoughtsandfeelings.Forexample,ifseveralpeoplewalkeddownthebeachtogether,theirrecollectionsoftheexperiencewouldbeverydifferentbasedontheirrepresentationalsystem.Onemightrememberhowthesunfeltonhisskinandsandonhisfeet.Anothermightrememberthelookofthewaterandthevividcolorsofthesunset.Thethirdmightbeabletodescribethesoundsoftheoceanandbirds,andanother,thesmellofthesaltyairandthetanninglotionofnearbysunbathers.Eachofuscreatesaframeworkforthewayweprocessinformation.Felbersays,“Ifyoucanlearntopinpointhowthosearoundyouexperiencetheworld,andreallytrytoexperiencethesameworldtheydo,you’llbeamazedathoweffectiveyourcommunicationwillbecome.”That’ssimplyanotherwaytolookforcommonground.
BarriersToFindingCommonGround
_____________________–“Ialreadyknowwhatothersknow,feel,andwant.”1.
“Allmiscommunicationsarearesultofdifferingassumptions.”
-JerryBallard
_____________________–“Idon’tneedtoknowwhatothersknow,feel,orwant.”2.
SupremeCourtJusticeLouisD.Brandeisobserved,“Nine-tenthsoftheseriouscontroversiesthatariseinliferesultfrommisunderstanding,fromonemannotknowingthefactswhichtotheothermanseemimportant,orotherwisefailingtoappreciatehispointofview.”
_____________________–“Idon’tcaretoknowwhatothersknow,feel,orwant.”3.
ComedianGeorgeCarlinjoked,“Scientistsannouncedtodaythattheyhadfoundacureforapathy.However,theyclaimnoonehasshowntheslightestbitofinterestinit.”
_____________________–“Idon’twantotherstoknowwhatIknow,feel,orthink.”4.
IloveJimLundy’stakeonthisinhisbook,Lead,Follow,orGetOutoftheWay. In it, he includestheresponseofpeoplewhoworkinanenvironmentwhereleadersholdbackfromthem.Hewritesaboutthe“SubordinatesLament,”whichsays,“Wetheuninformed,workingfortheinaccessible,aredoingtheimpossiblefortheungrateful!”Andthe“MushroomFarmLament”goeslikethis:“Wefeelwe’rebeingkeptinthedark.Everyonceinawhilesomeonecomesaroundandspreadsmanureonus.Whenourheadspopup,they’rechoppedoff.Andthenwe’recanned.”
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Choices That Will Help You Find Common Ground
___________________ – I will choose to spend time with others.1.
___________________ – I will listen my way to common ground.2.
SonyaHamlininherbook,HowtoTalkSoPeopleListen,notesthatmostpeoplefindthisdifficultbecauseofthe“Me-FirstFactor.”Shewrites,
Listeningrequiresgivingupourfavoritehumanpastime—involvementinourselvesandourownself-interest.It’sourprimary,entirelyhumanfocus.Andit’swhereourmotivationtodoanythingcomesfrom.Withthisasabase,canyouseewhataproblemiscreatedwhenwe’reaskedtolistentosomeoneelse?
___________________ – I will be interested enough in others to ask questions.3.
___________________ – I will think of others and look for ways to help them. 4.
___________________ – I will let people into my life.5.
__________________ – I will care about people.6.
RogerAiles,aformercommunicationconsultanttopresidents,believesthemostinfluentialfactorinpublicspeakingislikeability.Hesaysthatifpeoplelikeyou,theywilllistentoyou,andiftheydon’t,theywon’t.
__________________ – I will think of myself less so I can think of others more.7.
Poet,journalist,andeditorAlanRossasserted,“Humilitymeansknowingandusingyourstrengthforthebenefitofothers,onbehalfofahigherpurpose.Thehumbleleaderisnotweak,butstrong…isnotpre-occupiedwithself,butwithhowbesttousehisorherstrengthsforthegoodofothers.Ahumbleleaderdoesnotthinklessofhimself,butchoosestoconsidertheneedsofothersinfulfillingaworthycause.Ilovetobeinthepresenceofahumbleleaderbecausetheybringouttheverybestinme.Theirfocusisonmypurpose,mycontribution,andmyabilitytoaccomplishallIsetouttoaccomplish.”
Humilityis…
(1)Acapacityfor____________________.
(2)Allowing_______________toshine.
__________________ – I will move from my world to theirs.8.
ToConnectonCommonGround,Ask…DoIfeelwhatyoufeelBEFOREasking“DoyoufeelwhatIfeel?”DoIseewhatyouseeBEFOREasking“DoyouseewhatIsee?”DoIknowwhatyouknowBEFOREasking“DoyouknowwhatIknow?”DoIknowwhatyouwantBEFOREasking“DoyouknowthatIwant?”
KeyConcept: Knowthereasonsyouandyourlistenerwanttocommunicateandbuilda bridgebetweenthem.
Question:“Whatisthebridgeyouneedtobuildtoconnectoncommonground?”
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7Connectors Do the Difficult Work of Keeping It Simple
“Tobesimpleistobegreat.” -RalphWaldoEmerson
MyCriteriaForGoodMaterial
______________–somethingthatwillmakepeoplelaugh,•
______________–somethingthatwillcaptivatepeople’semotions,•
______________–somethingthatwillinspirepeople,and•
______________–somethingthatwillhelppeopleinsometangibleway.•
Afterspeakinginoverfiftydifferentcountriesinhundredsofvenues,Ihavedevelopeda“3S”strategy.
Keepit______________.
Sayit_______________.
Havea______________.
The Art of Simplicity
Talk__________People,Not____________Them.1.
Get to the __________________.2.
Connectorsgettothepointbeforelistenersstartasking“What’sthepoint?”
Whenthepersonaskingfortherecommendationisn’tsomeonetheywanttoendorse,theirresponsescanbeverycreative.Hereareafew,alongwiththeir“real”meanings,selectedforthebook, LexiconofIntentionallyAmbiguousRecommendations(L.I.A.R.)byRobertThornton:
Recommendation
Shewasalwayshighinmyopinion.
Whileheworkedwithushewas givennumerouscitations
Iwouldsaythathisrealtalentis gettingwastedathiscurrentjob.
Yousimplywon’tbelievethiswoman’scredentials
Hewouldalwaysaskifthere wasanythinghecoulddo.
Youwillnevercatchhimasleeponthejob.
Hedoesn’tknowthemeaningofthewordquit.
Meaning
Shewasoftenseensmokingajoint.
Hewasarrestedmanytimes.
Hegetsbombedregularly.
Shefakedmostofherresume.
Wewerealwayswonderingtoo.
He’stoocraftytogetcaught.
Hecan’tspelliteither.
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Say It Over and Over and Over and Over and Over Again.3.
“Thefirsttimeyousaysomething,it’sheard.Thesecondtime,it’srecognized,andthethirdtime,it’slearned.” -WilliamH.Rastetter
Say It ___________________.4.
“Haveanunderstandingsotherewon’tbeamisunderstanding.”-CharlesBlair
JackWelch,theformerCEOofGeneralElectric,pointedout,“Insecuremanagerscreatecomplexity.Frightened,nervousmanagersusethick,convolutedplanningbooksandbusyslidesfilledwitheverythingthey’veknownsincechildhood.”
Say _______________.5.
KeyConcept:Thelargerthegroup,thesimplerthecommunicationneedstobe.
Question:“CanpeoplerepeattosomeoneelsewhatIhavejustsaidtothem?”
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8Connectors Create An Experience Everyone Enjoys
How To Be Interesting
Take __________________ For Your Listeners.1.
Ingeneral,therearenobadaudiences,onlybadspeakers.
CemeteryCommunication–Lotsofpeopleouttherebutnobodyislistening!
Communication in ____________________.2.
Peopledon’trememberwhatwethinkisimportant;theyrememberwhattheythinkisimportant.
Capture People’s Attention From the _________________.3.
“Peoplehaveremotecontrolsintheirheadstoday.Ifyoudon’tcatchtheirinterest,theyjustclickyouoff.” –MyrnaMarofsky
Say It So It __________________.4.
PatrickHenry–“Givemelibertyorgivemedeath.”
NathanHale–“IregretthatIhavebutonelifetogiveformycountry.”
AbrahamLincoln–“Agovernmentofthepeople,bythepeople,forthepeople.”
WinstonChurchill–“Never,never,nevergiveup.”
JohnF.Kennedy–“Asknotwhatyourcountrycandoforyou.Askwhatyoucando foryourcountry.”
MartinLutherKing,Jr.–“Ihaveadream.”
RonaldReagan–“Mr.Gorbachev,teardownthiswall.”
DearSpeaker:
Theworldhasnevergottenoveritslikin’ofthetruth.I’vebeenamemberofachurchnowformore’nfiftyyears.Wemusthavehadtwentypastorsormore.Idon’tknowforsure.Noneof’emstayedverylong.Everyoneofthemtoldthetruth.Infacttheycouldboreyouforhoursonendwiththetruth.Therewasonlyoneoutofthewholebunchthatweeverreallywantedtokeep.Hetoldthetruthinterestingly.OnetimeheputonhisbathrobeandplayedlikehewasKingDavid.Surewasinteresting.AnothertimeheplayedlikehewastheinnkeeperinBethlehem.Thenonetimehesmearedhisfacewithsoot—surelookedstrange—andtoldushewasJob.Weallknewbetterandheknewwedid,butIneverreallyunderstoodtheBookofJobtillthatsermon.Onetimehedressedupinawhiterobeandcameinthebackoftheauditoriumcarryingasign.HetoldushewasanArchangel.Heseemedsoconvinced,webelievedhim.Darndestthing,he’ddoper’tnear’tanythingtokeepourattention.Healwaysdid.BigchurchdowninChattanoogahirehimawayfromus.Thegood’unsalwaysseemtogetaway.
TheyarrestedamanoverbyGreenvilletheotherday.Theythrewhiminjail.Hewaswalkingaroundtowninawhiterobe,carryingasignthatsaid“THEWORLDISCOMINGTOANEND.”Idon’t
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knowwhytheyarrestedhim.Mosteverybodybelievedhewasright.AsIsawit,hewastellingthetruthinterestingly.Lastweekmypreacherpreachedonthatverything.Thewayhetoldthatsametruthwasn’tallthatinteresting.Theymighthavelockedupthewrongman.
Itsureseemsimportanttometotellthetruthinterestingly.Nottoomanypeopledoit.Abunchofuswholistentoyoursermonsarewishingyou’ddoit.Youmighttrythewhiterobeandsignroutine.Justdon’tgooutside.
-YourAudience
KeyConcept:Worktocreatetherightexperienceforyourcommunicationsetting.
Question:“HowmuchtimedoIintentionallysetasidetocreateenjoyableexperiencesforothers?”
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9Connectors Inspire People
Howmuchdoesitreallymatterifsomeoneishighlymotivatedintheirwork,andintheirlife?Someofmyresearchonhowmuchmotivationreallymatterswasastoundingtome.Ihadtocrosscheckmyreferencescarefullytomakesurethatthestatisticscouldallbeverified.LotsofstudiesthatIreadtossedaroundnumberslikefortypercentorevenhigherwhentheycomparedtheperformanceofmotivatedemployeesversusunmotivatedemployees.Afortypercentperformancedifferential;staggeringtome.Ireadonestudythatsaidmotivatedemployeesareeightysevenpercentlesslikelytoleaveanorganizationcomparedtoanunmotivatedemployee—eightysevenpercentvariantthere.LotsofstudiesthatIreadsaidthatpeoplethataremotivatedatworkcallinwithdramaticallyfewersickdays,dramaticallyfewerinsuranceclaims,lessemployeetheft,fewerwastedhours,thelistwentonandon.Thestatisticsjustblewmeaway.There’sahugedifferenceintheoutcome,thedeliverables,theachievementsofmotivatedpeopleversusunmotivatedpeople.Butyouallkindofknowthisfrompersonalexperience;youknowhowmuchmoreyouwillgiveifsomeoneinspiresyou.There’snodoubtaboutit;everyonebenefitsfrommotivation.Everyonewantstobeinspired.
TheInspirationEquation
Whatpeople_________+Whatpeople_______+Whatpeople_______=_______________
WhatPeopleNeedtoKnow:
Thatyou_______________themandare_______________onthem.1.
Thatyouhave__________________ofthem.2.
“Managementisaboutpersuadingpeopletodothingstheydonotwanttodo,whileleadershipisaboutinspiringpeopletodothingstheyneverthoughttheycould.”-SteveJobs
WhatPeopleNeedtoSee:
Peopleneedtoseeyour________________.1.
PresidentLyndonB.Johnsonasserted,“Whatconvincesisconviction.Believeintheargumentyou’readvancing.Ifyoudon’t,you’reasgoodasdead.Theotherpersonwillsensethatsomethingisn’tthere,andnochainofreasoning,nomatterhowlogicalorelegantorbrilliant,willwinyourcaseforyou.”
Peopleneedtoseeyour______________.2.
Themediocreteacher______________.Thegoodteacher_______________.
Thegreatteacher______________________.
WhatPeopleNeedtoFeel:
Theyneedtofeelyour________________inyourselfandthem.1.
Theyneedtofeelyour_______________________.2.
“Silentgratitudeisn’tmuchgoodtoanyone.”–GladysStern
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DoctorsJohnBrightCageandJeffMarshall,
TenyearsagoIhadaheartattack.Godusedbothofyoutosparemylife.Thisisaletterofgratitude.Thewordsinthisletterarefrommyheart.Theymustbewrittenasatangiblewayofgivingthankstoyou.Ibelievethatsilentgratitudeisn’tmuchgoodtoanyone.
Yourliveshavebeendedicatedtohelpingpeople.Nodoubtovertheyearsmanypeoplehavebeengivenasecondchancetolive.For10yearsIhavebeenlivingmy“second-chance”life.BecauseofGod’sgoodnessandyourgiftedness,allowmetobrieflysharewhathashappenedduringthistime:
Ihaveenjoyedmyextra10yearswithMargaretandmyfamily.•Fivegrandchildrenhavebeenbornandstolenmyheart.•38bookshavebeenwrittenthathavesoldover15millioncopies.•Amazon.cominductedmeintotheirHallofFame.•Ihavebeennamedthe“World’s#1LeadershipGuru.”•3Leadershipeventshavebeenfoundedbyme:•
Catalyst–Ayoungleadersconferenceaverages12,000perevent. MaximumImpactSimulcast–whichreaches100,000peopleeachyear. Exchange–ahighlevelexecutiveexperience.
Twoofmycompanieshaveexperiencedwonderfulgrowth:• INJOYStewardshipServiceshaspartneredwith4,000churchesandraisedover$4
billion. EQUIPhastrained3millionleadersin113countries.
IthasbeenmyprivilegetospeakfortheUnitedNations,WestPoint,NASA,theCIAand•manyFortune500companies.Mostimportant,over7,500peoplehavereceivedChristthroughmyteaching!•
1Samuel2:9says,“Godprotectivelycaresforhisfaithfulfriends,stepbystep.”Dr.Cageitwasno“accident”whenyouhandedmeyourbusinesscardandsaid,“John,Godhasaskedmetotakecareofyou.Callmeatanytimeifyouneedhelp.”Dr.Marshall,itwasno“accident”thatyoumetmeatthehospitalwithyourteamandsaid,“Weareheretotakecareofyou;everything’sgoingtobefine.”
Forthelast10yearsIhavecontinuallyexpressedtoGodmygratefulnessforbothofyou.TonightIgiveyouthisletterandsaywithgreatloveandappreciation,“Thankyou!”
KeyConcept:Whatpeopleremembermostishowyoumadethemfeel.
Question:“Whatpartofthe‘InspirationEquation’doIneedtoworkon …Knowing–Seeing–orFeeling?”
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10Connectors Live What They Communicate
Credibilityiscurrencyforleadersandcommunicators.Withit,theyaresolvent;withoutit,theyarebankrupt.
Thefirstsixmonths–communicationoverrides_________________.
Aftersixmonths–credibilityoverrides_____________________.
TheCredibilityCheck-List
“HaveIconnectedwith_________________?”1.
Therelationshipswehavewithothersarelargelydeterminedbytherelationshipswehavewithourselves.
“HaveImaderightmy_____________?”2.
“AmI____________________?”3.
Whenyoumakeacommitmentyoucreate_______________.
Whenyoukeepacommitmentyoucreate_______________.
“DoIleadlikeI________________?”4.
AuthorandspeakerJimRohnobserved,“Youcannotspeakthatwhichyoudonotknow.Youcannotsharethatwhichyoudonotfeel.Youcannottranslatethatwhichyoudonothave.Andyoucannotgivethatwhichyoudonotpossess.Togiveitandtoshareit,andforittobeeffective,youfirstneedtohaveit.”
“DoItellthe____________?”5.
“AmI________________________?”6.
ParkerPalmer,authorofTheCouragetoTeach,says,“Weallknowthatperfectionisamask.Sowedon’ttrustthepeoplebehindknow-it-allmasks.They’renotbeinghonestwithus.Thepeoplewithwhomwehavedeepestconnectionarethosewhoacknowledgetheirweaknesses.”
“AmIfollowingthe_____________________?”7.
“DoIdeliver___________________?”8.
PeterDrucker,thefatherofmodernmanagement,asserted,“Communication…alwaysmakesdemands.Italwaysdemandsthattherecipientbecomesomebody,dosomething,believesomething.Italwaysappealstomotivation.”Inotherwords,communicatorsexhortpeopletodeliverresults.Buttobecredibleasacommunicator,youmustalsodeliverresultsyourself!
KeyConcept:Theonlywaytokeepconnectingwithpeopleistolivewhatyoucommunicate.
Question:“WhatareaintheCredibilityCheck-ListdoIneedtoworkon?”
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TheBigQ.–“CanIlearntoconnectwithothers?”
TheBigA.–“Yes.”
Moseswasnotgoodwith__________________.
Moseswasnotagood____________________.
Moseswasnotagood_________________.
LorinWoolfe,inTheBibleonLeadershipsays,“Thereisawide-rangingdebateabouttheinnatenessor‘learnability’ofeffectivecommunicationskillsandthenatureof‘charisma.’”Heweighsinthatitcanbelearned.Hewrites,
God’ssuggestiontoMoseswastoteamhimwithhisbrotherAaron,whowasabetterspeaker.ButitwasMoses,notAaron,whospoketoPharaohandledhispeopleoutofEgypt.Whathelackedinspeakingability,Mosespossessedinconviction,courage,andcompassionforhispeople.Thesetraitswerecommunicatedunmistakablytoallwhowereexposedtohim,bothfollowerandfoe.
Mosestookwhateverabilityhedidpossess,andhemadethemostofit.Hedidwhathewascalledtodo,andheincreasedhisinfluenceandusedittohelpanuntoldnumberofpeople.Andheconnectedwiththem.Whenhedied,anentirenationwept.Thepeoplegrievedhislossforthirtydays.