7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
1/26
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
2/26
1
2012 Elisa RomeoAll Rights Reserved.
Cover Design: Jennifer Wasson
http://www.wassondesign.com/
Author Photo Credit: Heather B. Allison Photography
http://heatherballisonphotography.com
(Names and identifying details have been changed to protect privacy.)
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
3/26
2
Howto Use tHis Book
This book wants to get dogearred and dirty. It longs to be printed, hole-punched and
stuck into a 3-ring binder. Take it to a cafe, eat it with mufns, spill some hot chocolate
on the corners. In other words, use it, abuse it, make it yours.
You can read the content on your computer or ereader. You might need to sit with it fora while or you might decide to not print any of it, ever. You might want to print it right
away. You can also choose to peruse the index in the back, of exercises and worksheets,
and print only the ones you want.
My intention is for this book to be as much an electronic download as an energetic one.
My hope is that it helps clarify and remind you of your energetic nature and reality. Print
it out, write in the margins and leave it next to your bed for an energetic reminder. But I
promise you that whatever way it works for you is the way it works best.
Lifting the veil does not have to be heavy lifting. Lets take a peek together.
-Elisa
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
4/26
3
Contents
introdUCtion 6
CodependenCy 16
yoU Are energy 21
energetiC CodependenCy 57
Howdoes tHis HAppen? 77
wHy is it importAnt? 96
energetiC self-CAre 102
tHe tAke AwAy 112
BiBliogrApHy 118
resoUrCes 119
glossAryof words & pHrAses 123
ACknowledgments 127
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
5/26
4
Most people are other people. Their thoughts aresomeone elses opinions, their lives a mimicry, their
passions a quotation.
O W
v
All natures, all formed things, all creatures exist in and
with one another and will again be resolved into their
own roots, because the nature of matter is dissolved into
the roots of its nature alone. He who has ears to hear, let
him hear.
T G M M
v
Youre codependent for sure if, when you die, someone
elses life lashes in front of your eyes.
A
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
6/26
5
introdUCtion
As a therapist, Ive counseled addicts and families as they struggle to escape the
hell that results from active addiction. As an intuitive and energy worker, Ive helped
individuals strive to free themselves from guilt, to follow their souls calling and to remain
strong around other peoples energetic inluence in their lives.The therapeutic community generally resists acknowledging an energetic-based
reality. In response, many skilled practitioners feel the need to minimize their claim to
this essential knowledge. My life has been an active study and experiment towards the
marriage of these two parts of myself: energetic awareness and psychological self-inquiry.
There are many amazing therapists who simultaneously infuse their practice with a
grounded understanding of mental health as well as an engagement with subtle energies.
What I look for in a practitioner, or when reading a text on the subject, is an intuitive sense
of both.
A therapy is impotent when it has divorced itself from engagement with the
energetic realities that are alive and active in the therapeutic room. An energy practitioner
who is unaware of the psychological dynamics at play in their life, or in the lives of their
clients, is not only ungrounded but potentially dangerous.
I am holding a space for us to claim ownership of the marriage between these two
previously disparate realities. Only with clear and simple acknowledgment can we begin to
build an accountable community and shift our culture towards the question, What heals?
This work is the result of wanting to know, very deeply, my answer to this question.
If you are interested in answering this yourself and are willing to be dogged in your pursuit,
you have found the right book. These exercises have the power to heal and transform your
life.
This workbook is not a straightforward approach to working on codependency
issues. If you are living with an addict or suffer from active addiction, you can ind manyrecommendations for further reading in the Resources section of this book. If you are
unfamiliar with the topic of codependency, I encourage you to familiarize yourself with the
term using those sources. And if you struggle with codependency in your life, I recommend
inding a CODA (Codependents Anonymous) meeting to attend in your area.
While the information in this book can help recovering codependents, it is wise to
irstget a grasp on how codependency directly affects your material life before examining it
from the energetic perspective. While codependents are also energetic codependents, not
all energetic codependents will match the characteristics, or the more narrow deinition, of
codependency. In other words, they are related but also very different.
InvIsIbles
The energetic world that inluences our reality. It is not manifested as
physical matter or seen with our physical eyes.
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
7/26
6
I have often wished I could refer my clients to a book that truly deines energetic
codependency. When working on these topics I found much written on codependency and
energy work, but almost nothing on the topic of energetic codependency. I termed the
phrase energetic codependency when I noticed the overlap of my energetic work and my
therapeutic work. Its wonderful there is so much material that details working with subtle
energies. But none of these speciically focus on how we lose power in relationships on anenergetic level. I want this book to address the intersection of where energetic hygiene and
psychological boundaries meet.
My paramount concern is that which is most healing, eficient and practical. I have
developed these tools while working with many clients over the years and have found
them to be extremely useful when dealing with the complex energetics of relationship
codependency.
My aim is to provide an overview of the ways we lose our authentic power.
No person or entity can invade your energetic space if there is not permission, even
unconsciously, to do so. It takes honest self-inquiry to get clear about how we are leaking
our power and opening our boundaries to predatory energies. Particularly if these leaks
are outside of ego awareness and understanding, it is important to go inward and create agrounded space from which to explore.
We are all energy workers. By nature, we engage and manage our individual energy
systems and interact with the energy of others all day, every day. Most people do this
unconsciously. But my hope is that this book will turn the unconscious energy worker into
the conscious energy worker, awakening everyone to the very real world of the invisibles
that exists around us. I want you to claim and live your authentic life; the world needs you
and your gifts. My goal is for this book to assist you in getting the valuable information you
need. And the best part is, this information exists in the energy all around you, available the
moment you call upon it.
As you read this book and awaken to the energetic world that surrounds us, you
may have an emotional reaction. Ive had clients tell me they felt angry or sad they werent
raised in a family that was supportive of inquiry. Sometimes they feel extreme urgency
to comprehend it all right away. Know that this is a process of raising consciousness and
although you can immediately put the tools into practice, it may take time for lifestyle shifts
and regular awareness. Reframing your life experiences can be tricky. Take it slow and go
easy on yourself.
My clients tell me this work feels like coming out of a fog. Sometimes we are
disgusted as we become clear on what energetic realities have been at play in our lives.
We may be shocked to discover that one of our oldest friends has been energetically
sucking us dry. These types of discoveries can be uncomfortable. There is often a sense of
responsibility and urgency, now this has been brought to attention, what should I do aboutit?
You can make changes immediately, or give yourself time to sit with the new
information. You may need time to let it percolate and come to a new engagement with
the issue in an organic way. Remember, you have been an energy worker your whole life,
managing energies and taking care of yourself. Now you are being given an opportunity to
take even better care of yourself, to love yourself and the world a bit more clearly.
This work often feels as though youve been thrust into the bright light of the sun
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
8/26
7
after a long period in the dark. Here we are together, squinting at the sky on a bright sunny
day. The natural reaction is to shield your eyes. But theyll adjust before you know it, and
in the meantime dont be afraid to put on a hat and some sunglasses.
Together we are going to walk through this journey step-by-step. We are going to
deine codependency, explain the nature of energetic reality, examine the truth of energetic
codependency and practice the tools of energetic self-care. If you read this book andengage with even half of the included exercises, I guarantee you will come away feeling
clearer, centered and empowered. Lets get started!
my story
I have a secret, one Ive slowly revealed in the last ive years: I am a human
biofeedback machine. But instead of picking up on your heartbeat or the temperature of
your ingertips, I can tell if you are speaking from your Soul or not.
My professional background and my academic degree are in counseling therapy.So I am keenly aware of how inlated I sound right now. I also know the word truth is
supercharged. I was raised as a Unitarian, for Chrissake. I cringe at dogma. I run from
fundamentalism. If anything, I daily overcompensate in the other direction, sometimes
allowing too much coddling as a result of wanting you to ind your own way. There is not
one truth. There is your truth and there is my truth. And both can be simultaneously true.
Im not an authority on your Soul. But Ive had some unique experiences. And
through them Ive learned that every time I try to shirk my Soul Path, the cosmos kicks my
You MaY Feel
Excited: That there is a whole community of people who understand
and can support you on your journey to break the chains of
energetic codependency.
Disappointed: Wondering where you would be in life if you were
taught this earlier and were supported in your energetic reality.
Angry: That you were not raised in an environment that supported an
energetic reality and taught you these skills.
Overwhelmed: By the amount of information and potential implica-
tions it has for your life.
Hopeful: That you can free yourself, feel better and move into a more
empowered life of authenticity.
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
9/26
8
ass. Basically, I got my ass kicked enough times I had no choice but to fully surrender to my
path. And if you havent guessed by now, my path is to assist you in surrendering to yours.
I learned at some point along the way that it isnt inlated to claim my intuitive
abilities, but that it is actually egocentric to denywhat I am. It is inlated to assume I know
better than my Soul what I am here to do. The universe wants me to work in this way and
so whether I like it or not, whether I am comfortable with it or not (often not!) this is my
mission. Its no joke that I am probably the most skeptical psychic on the planet.
Ive learned that this work is not about my ego. Its not even really personal. Of
course, when someone gives me a compliment from a very deep space, Im joyous for the
newfound connection. But I dont feel I had much to do with it. Im just the translator.
Im here to serve the Divine, and when I help someone discover what they are here to serve,
nothing is more thrilling.
I am most proud of how Ive learned to trust and follow my Souls marching orders.
Ultimately, for me, it is easier to surrender. Otherwise life just keeps slamming me in the
face.
A confession: I am terrible with numbers, very disorganized and am easily stressed.
I forget to drink water, sometimes anxiously interrupt people the list goes on. And yet,
I make an excellent soul feedback machine. I can watch you speak and see your ifth and
sixth chakras responding. I watch them light up and see the energy align with your spinal
column. I can feel in my body when you are speaking from your Soul Self or letting your
fear gremlins take control.
My little secret has leaked out through friendsand friends of friendsand now I
work with clients all over the world. They call me to help them through dificult issues, tomake important decisions and to help them get clarity on their relationships. Sometimes
they want to know whether they should follow their dreams.
People think they are calling me because they have a work issue. Or insomnia. Or
are ighting with their partner. But most people are truly just hungry for Soul Orientation
starving for itand their soul has energetically recognized how I can help. One of my
clients recently told me, I carried your business card around in my wallet for two years. I
was terriied and excited to call. Part of me knew I wasnt ready to truly face myself.
a noteon CapItalIzatIon
Throughout the book you will notice the capitalization of certain words,
e.g. Soul, Divine and Love. The Soul, to me is a speciic entity that de-
serves honor and reverence. The Divine refers to the great mystery that
moves us all. Love is an expansive, transformational energy that we can
either allow to move through our system or shut off from. All are
deserving of the highlighting and respect that capitalization
warrants.
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
10/26
9
Once they begin to prioritize the Soul, they come to understand the work issue,
the insomnia andthe ighting. They understand why their Soul has set that annoying
job in their path, how they are using caffeine to avoid their inner voice, or why they Soul
contracted with a partner with ADHD. They begin to surrender their egos will to the will of
their Soul. This often is met with tears. It is powerful to watch our delusions crumble. And
in the match between the visibles and the invisibles, Im puttin my money on the ones withless matter.
Every problem has a spiritual solution. And sometimes the solution lies in realizing
a problem isnt a problem, but rather a Soul Opportunity. This problem may be the perfect,
and yet completely unfair, horrendous shit-storm that our ego needs to experience in order
to get us into Soul Alignment. This is how transformation works on the Soul Level.
Im not the greatest psychic in the world. I cant ind missing people or where Ive
lost my keys (especially where Ive lost my keys.) I dont know the lotto numbers or which
horse will win. Yet I can feel where your Soul Path is and where you are in relationship
to it. I know if you are shirking responsibility with the Divine and in the victim mentality,
running from your intuition. I feel if there are other energies in your space keeping you
from avoiding your Soul Informationlike your husband or mother-in-law. (It mighteven be a spirit you havent met before.) I can channel your frustrated dead father at your
birthday party. (Its happened!) I intuitively know if you are lying to yourself, and I am the
irst to cry when youve claimed your spiritual courage and accepted that Lovesometimes
peacefully, sometimes violentlyis trying to reorient your life.
This work isnt dependent on the person sitting in front of me in physical space.
Everything I do exists out of space and time. A phone call with someone halfway around
the world is just effective as meeting face to face. This is the part that often confuses
people. Its hard for some to grasp that I do this work remotely. But my minds eye (my
sixth chakra) can connect in ways my physical body cannot.
We all have the ability to do this for ourselves, and that is what I teach. I dont want
my clients to become dependent on my intuitive information, but to be connected and
empowered on their own. Learning to recognize their instant Soul Alignment feedback,
they begin to sense when they are connected to Love (their Soul Voice) and when they are
making up great rational explanations based on fearful survival issues (the fear voice.)
Like most worthwhile pursuits, this is a skill that is easy to learn but dificult to
master. The information is always available, but it takes spiritual discipline and courage to
follow our Souls marching orders. The ego says, This is too much of you to ask from me.
Im not prepared. Youve got the wrong gal. or I had planned something different for my
life. I cant bare this level of pain. No one will understand. Sometimes its simply: This is
not what I want my life to be.
The Soul says in response, I have orchestrated your life absolutely perfectly. You areon track, even when you feel off track. It says, You are not alone, your invisible allies are
supporting you. And most clearly, Life doesnt make mistakes.
What I have seen over and over is that when we align with our Soul Voice and follow
orders, we relieve suffering and save time. Our Soul will make sure we get the memo, even
if it hurts. So we can either step on the path, or turn away and get burned. Our Soul loves
us too much to let us live in anything less than the truth. She wont allow delusions. And
we cant do it without Her.
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
11/26
10
lets get personAl
I was raised in a rational, scientiic family. My father was a biochemist and my
mother a mathematician. Logic and analysis were the valid ways of interpreting reality. So
my upbringing was far from airy-fairy/hippy-dippy/follow your bliss. It was more, Follow
your bliss if you can rationally prove to me why this is the most logical and safe thing todo. Remember those Worst-Case Scenario books that were sold as gag gifts? They had tips
like what to do if you are stuck in quicksand. I bought one for my parents one Christmas
and they thought it was illed with lots of useful and pertinent information. Another year
I boughtSkeptic Magazine for my dad as a joke. To me it seemed like a bunch of angry
scientists attempting to debunk alien encounters and Sasquatch claims. My father loved it
and wanted a subscription.
One of my irst experiences of astral travel happened in a Montessori class when
I was about six years old. The teacher put on classical music and asked us to relax. As I
slipped into a deeply relaxed state, I felt myself loat down through the layers of the planet.
Then I lew up over my friends bodies and saw the school from above. After the meditation
was over, we took turns sharing our experiences. When I took my turn the teacher stared at
me in shock. I knew I wasnt just pretending or imagining, as some adults suggested and
soon learned to keep those experiences to myself.
So from an early age I chose to shut down my intuition. But when I was seventeen
it reared its head again. For Christmas my parents bought meas a jokea session with a
psychic. Her name was Stacy.
As a seventeen-year-old, I was developmentally on track by assuming I had the
world igured out. But ive minutes into the session my faade cracked, as the psychic told
me very speciic information about my relationship, details I was sure Id never told anyone.
I accused her of following me to get information. My paradigm unraveled like a pile of yarn
at our feet. Afterwards I left her house feeling irritated, as though Id woken from a strangedream.
In fact, I barely heard what she told me in the reading, because I kept interrupting
her.
What do you mean spirit guides?! What the heck is a spirit guide?! She gave me
an audiotape of our recorded session and I left, immediately iling the information into the
back of my brain labeled Do Not Open, EVER. Shortly thereafter, I went to the University of
Washington to become a lawyer. That sounds like a good plan doesnt it? I totally loved Ally
McBeal. What could possibly go wrong?
Many of the things Stacy told me came true, but I continued to resist. Often we
ight transformation until the struggle is more painful than the shift it takes to change.
Eventually, I was forced to surrender.It started with a wart on my left knee that appeared senior year of high school. It
soon spread over my entire knee. I had over forty-ive warts on my leg. I jokingly referred
to it as my leper leg. And like any normal insurance-card-carrying member of Western
society, I went to see a doctor. And she burned my warts with liquid nitrogen. Again. AndAgain. And Again. Many months and many burns later, the doctors told me I was a hopeless
case and to stop clogging up their waiting room. At this point I not only had leper leg but
also third degree scars from the repeated burning. I was eighteen-years-old and desperate
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
12/26
11
to escape my miserable leper-leg-no-shorts-or-skirts-for-life diagnosis.
Out of desperation, I went to Stacy. I knew she did something called energy work
and I thought I might as well try it. I lay on her massage table and closed my eyes as she ran
energy over the warts on my leg. And then I started to see lashing lights. I thought it was
strange, but I was in such a relaxed state I remained silent. I soon slipped into a REM trance
state, although still fully conscious. Stacy noticed my eyes luttering.What are you seeing? She asked.
Ummmm. Nothing. I responded.
No, What are you seeing? I can see youre going into trance. At the word trance, I
got scared. Did that mean I was going to have a seizure or start to channel a dead person? I
began crying.
I dont know! I guess I see a chicken with tennis shoes on.
OKshe said. Within moments, a beautiful tiger appeared before me looking as
real as if I was watching an Imax Movie. He looked lovingly into my eyes and then jumped
through my face into my body, carrying my consciousness with him as he traveled down
into the lower world.
Of course at the time I had no knowledge of the lower world and didnt realize I wasexperiencing a classic shamanic soul retrieval. It wasnt until years later, while reading a
book by Stan Grof, one of the founders of transpersonal psychology, that I would recognize
my experience in anothers. And further, that was an altogether common one.
My tiger showed me I was holding trauma in my left leg. I understood at the time
though I didnt know howthat each wart contained a traumatic story. And as I told these
stories to Stacy, the trauma released from my body. My Soul had wanted me to love myself
warts and all.
Many hours later, Tracy shook me awake.
I have to go catch a ferry, she said. And our session was over.
I walked out of her ofice completely confused. The next day the warts were gone.
Within three weeks the third degree burns had completely disappeared.
sAy wHAt?
The session with Stacy was like opening Pandoras box. Suddenly, I was able to
see energy ields around people, communicate with spirit beings and receive psychic
information that was consistently validated by physical reality. This intensiied after I
moved with a friend to Italy. As I tried to understand my new spiritual reality, without the
assistance of a spiritual mentor, I was often confused and overwhelmed. On a payphone
in Italy my sister told me she bought me a gift for helping with her wedding. I saw it in myhead: a bracelet with pearl and garnet alternating with silver inlay. She hadnt shown it to
anyone and couldnt understand how I knew.
My plan to become a lawyer had revealed itself as ridiculous, and I decided to
become a therapist. So I volunteered at a suicide hotline and used my intuitive skills to help
people in desperate need. They were desperate to know why they were here, and if they
couldnt access that information, they refused to stay. They werent going to waste their
time if they couldnt connect to their Soul. And I was surprised to discover how much I
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
13/26
12
loved sharing that moment with them. It gave me huge inspiration and courage to take Soul
Voice seriously. For themand honestly, for all of usit is a dead serious matter.
I spent the next years completing my graduate degree in counseling psychology at
Paciica Graduate Institute and studying the theories of Jung, Marion Woodman, archetypal
psychology, dream work and transpersonal psychology.
At an incest survivor agency I saw acutely how trauma affects our development.Working with victims and perpetrators, I sat with dark energies that had been cut off from
their source light. Later I worked in addiction treatment facilitieswith women and their
familiesand then with teen girls in juvenile hall. This work helped me to see how we all
have inner addicts trying to distract us from our life plan. And the truth is, sometimes we
would rather die than face it.
We Are More Than Our Physical Bodies
One day while in graduate school, after many hours of back-to-back classes, I got
a migraine. I was sitting with my friend, Dennis, and we were eating lunch on the grass.
Dennis is an amazing bodyworker, and he started to give me a neck massage. Then he
noticed I was about to trance out, so he moved me into a quiet room.
While in a deep trance state, I appear drugged and receive intense visual dream-like
pictures. On this day, I left my body and hovered over my physical self. I saw the creases in
my face and watched my chest contract and expand. All at once I understood the struggle of
the physical and was instantly overwhelmed with love and compassion. It became clear that
my prioritiesmy life choiceshad been dictated by fear.
And then I had the most freeing epiphany. I am not my body.
Like most of us, I desperately hoped I would survive as a consciousness after myphysical body died, but I never completely trusted this was true. I thought I might cease to
exist and was terriied of disappearing into a black void. But after that day there was no
avoiding the truth. I know I will exist after my physical body is gone. We will all continue.
And while out of body we have access to anything we could ever want to know. Without the
weight of the physical world guiding our experience, we are truly spiritual beings.
The real shake up of this experience was after the trance. Ultimately, the experience
forced me to reevaluate everything in my life. Anywhere that I was making decisions based
on physical world security was immediately and painfully apparent to me. There is more
to life than a healthy 401k, a six-igure income and tennis on the weekends. Life is about
expressing yourself and allowing Love to move through you on a moment-to-moment basis.
At the end of the day, this is all that truly matters. Remember where you began, understand
your truth and then be that without apology.
I merged with my Soul Self and saw my ego-driven life with intense and painful
clarity. This knowingness guides all of my sessions and all of my work in the world.
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
14/26
13
roAd mAp
In almost every session with clients, I recognize the symptoms of energetic
codependency. Most often they dont realize what a major dynamic it plays. While
unconsciously feeling the effects of energetic inluence and not understanding why, a
person can become riddled with self-doubts. She believes something is inherently wrongbut doesn't know how to ix it.
You may feel clouded and have trouble making decisions. You might feel guilty,
oversensitive and anxious, but not know why youre feeling this way. Perhaps you need
more time to yourself, more space, and are unsure why you seem so different from
everyone else. You may have spent a great portion of your life learning to just deal with it.
We are constantly inundated by energies that lie outside of our conscious awareness.
They affect us every moment, whether we are aware of it or not. But heres the good
news: you dont need to just deal with it. In this book I will show you how to stop losing
touch with your essential energy. I will give you the tools to clarify how you are affected
and how you can protect yourself. The meditations and exercises Ive created will engage
you consciously and actively with the concept of energetic codependency. And if you
consistently apply these tools, you will begin to see your life in an entirely new way.
Please know that Ive been obsessed with this topic for a very long while, and theres
a developmental curve to learning about energy awareness. Be kind and self-loving. It may
take time to digest and sit with some of these practices. Feel free to skip around, using only
those exercises to which you feel called. And if you get overwhelmed by a certain section,
skip it. You can always return to it later.
wHAtis energetiC CodependenCy?
Thirty years ago, the topic of codependency was just starting to receive public
recognition. The topic of codependency is fairly mainstream thanks to the healing track
record of Alcoholics Anonymous, the popularization of John Bradshaw and Melody Beatties
codependency books and a cultural shift around the stigma of addiction. It has now become
a commonly recognized phenomenon frequently mentioned in the media and self-help
circuits.
When we arent clear about what we have to give and what we need to receiveweare in the grips of codependency. When we are confused about our limits and boundaries,
codependency has claimed our lives. When we lie to ourselves and others about what we
can tolerate, we have traded in our own truth to become card-carrying members of thecodependency club. When we lose ownership of our authentic voice in exchange for approval
and validationfrom others, we have purchased a ticket to the wildly popular codependency
show.
I am extremely passionate about the topic of codependency, and more accurately
energetic codependency, because I believe it is the number one issue blocking us from our
intuitive voice. Energetic codependency is extremely common and mostly misunderstood.
It is the result of our addiction to avoiding our Soul Selves. It takes extreme courage to hear
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
15/26
14
our Soul Call, and when we fail to serve our intuition it always results in neurotic behavior.
We avoid the present moment, the greatness of our potential and the very real urgency
inside which calls us into clarity. It takes energy to avoid our Soul Self, and this results in
exhaustion, confusion and disconnection.
My intention in creating this book is to help others who are ready and willing to
come into energetic consciousness in their lives. I want to expose the reality of how otherenergies and entities inluence your life, distract you from your mission and try to numb
you to sleep. In the daily battle between consciousness and unconsciousness, energetic
awareness is essential for Soul Survival.
tHe differenCe Between CodependenCyAnd energetiCCodependenCy
Codependency focuses on the behaviors, thoughts, actions and patterns in
relationship; energetic codependency takes into account the reality of the subtle energies
that are always at play. Energetic codependency acknowledges the reality of the aura, the
chakra system and the energy cords constantly transmitting between ourselves and others.
It expands the idea of codependency not only to people, places and thingsbut also events,
time periods, cultural and group energies. There is very little public discussion about what
energetic codependency entails, how it inluences our lives and how we can free ourselves
from it. I see it affecting the lives of my clients every day, in almost every session. I know ithas affected my own life, and Im constantly conscious of whether Im claiming my reality or
merely exchanging it for the reality of others.
We beCoMe energetICallY Codependent WIth:
People
Places (the spirit or entity of a place, like Maui)
Things (a sweatshirt from an ex-boyfriend) Groups
Spirit beings with bodies (family, friends)
Spirit beings without bodies (people who have crossed over,
spirit guides, other energetic entities)
Animals
Events (the Superbowl, weddings)
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
16/26
15
CodependenCy
Codependency was initially discovered in the late 1970s and termed by
professionals in the mental health community as a way of classifying, diagnosing and
treating individuals who were in relationship with addicts. Clinicians began to notice
a trend in the families and friends of those with active chemical dependency addiction.Besides a common theme of enabling, denial or rage toward the addict, there was a theme
of reactionary behavior and obsession with the addicts actions. Self-care was often low
on the list of priorities of the codependent, paired with guilt or anxiety at even the idea of
proactive behaviors. Codependents became deined as people whose lives had become
unmanageable as a result of living in a committed relationship with an alcoholic. (Alanon)
Since then, the deinition of codependency has widened to include many
relationships beyond those struggling with the daily issues of chemical dependency. Adult
children of alcoholics, people in relationship with individuals with mental health issues,
caretakers of the elderly and people whose careers depend on the helping professions (e.g.
therapists, social workers and nurses) are all different subgroups where codependency
is rampant. Many individuals with active addiction also have a co-occurring diagnosis of
codependency. There is a saying that is popular in the ield of recovery, Scratch an addict
and youll ind a codependent.
One of my tasks in rehab was to facilitate the friends and family groups. Visiting
a loved one in rehab was a privilege, and it could only be earned by attending one of these
groups. We discussed everyones lives, their daily struggles and examined ways they
were enabling and practicing codependent behavior. It was there that I irst realized how
codependency affects so many of us in both extreme and subtle ways.
There are many deinitions of codependency, but the one that I think is most
succinct is from Melody Beatties classic bookCodependent No More: A codependent
person is one who has let another persons behavior affect him or herand who is obsessedwith controlling that persons behavior. When we are codependent we are literally giving
away our power.
tHe United stAtesof CodependenCy
American society often struggles with caring for others (sometimes called
caretaking) without losing energetic boundaries and identity. The disease to please is
rampant. Television, movies and celebrity behavior only serve to reinforce this issue.
a sIMpleand dIreCt deFInItIonoF CodependenCY
The codependent lives by one emotional reality
How I feel depends on how you feel.
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
17/26
16
In the 1997 movieAs Good As It Gets, Jack Nicholson informs Helen Hunt he has
started taking his prescribed medication because you make me want to be a better man.
She reacts ecstatically, replying that its probably the best compliment shes ever received.
The audience is expected to swoon at this romantic gesture, at the controlling and neurotic
protagonist taking his prescribed medication. In the 1996 movieJerry Maguire, Tom
Cruises famous line to Renee Zellweger was You complete me. Cruises character wasbroken and incomplete without the relationship, not a whole person without Zellwegers
help and caretaking.
Can a relationship complete us? Maybe a relationship can develop us, inspire us,
even serve our highest spiritual calling in the world as a parent or loving partner. But can it
complete us?
Relationships can, of course, help meet our human needs of intimacy and relection.
But if we need a relationship to feel complete or to deine our identity, we set ourselves up
for disillusionment when the bubble pops. These ideas create at best a shaky foundation.
At worst they are complete dysfunction.
And let us not forget the added pressure of classic gender roles. If youre a female
the disease to please is reinforced from birth, with little girls receiving validation onlywhen they behave as good girls. Men are also commonly codependent, with little cultural
support to encourage social connection and emotional processing. For men there is
enormous pressure to do and achieve, and not much space to explore and be.
And inally, popular music. The themes of codependency are everywhere. Rihanna
calls out S.O.S. on her romantic obsession and Britney is a grateful slave to romantic love,
just to name two. These are the images and models that set the tone for love as our teens
and pre-teens develop their ideas of what it means to be in relationship. Is it any wonder
we are confused?
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
18/26
17
Codependency Inquiry
For inspiration, listen to a current pop song. Read the lyrics of Rihanas SOS. Or Britney
Spears, Im a Slave 4 U.
1. What images, thoughts does this bring up about your cultural programming?
2. What are your own ideas about codependency and relationships?
3. How do you feel your romantic imagination has been affected by your family, your
religion or your culture?
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
19/26
18
energetiC CodependenCy tAkes itA (Big) step fArtHer
Energetic codependency, like codependency, includes the emotional dependency
that is verbalized as: the way I feel relies on how you feel. But the main difference between
the two is how energetic codependency accounts for the inluence and reality of subtle
energies. Energetic codependency could also be voiced as, I dont know where you endand I begin. Or, I will accept your reality over my own. The beneit of the energetic lens is
that we can literally examine the energies and see where leaks and blurred boundaries are
occurring.
Energy is not time and space dependent. This means that in addition to the usual
people, places and things, we can also be codependent with events (losing our power to the
anniversary of a loved one who has passed away), spirit beings (we can still be in an active
energetic codependent relationship with our mother who has crossed over to the other
side), a spirit guide (who is saying they have our best intentions at heart but may also be
deluded about their own agenda) or the energy that has been stored in a physical location
(losing our power to Egypt when we have never been there in this lifetime, if we had aprevious lifetime there as an abused slave.)
Energetic codependency also takes into account the energetic shadow active in
relationship. What if a good friend has always seemed supportive and acted accordingly
in the physical reality, yet is feeding off your energy ield? You may have a nagging feeling
that something about the relationship isnt deeply trustworthy. You may notice your body
sweating as you talk on the phone, a nervous feeling and a temptation to get off the line. If
youve done the psychological work, and come to terms with your own projections, than
what you are dealing with is the energetics of codependency.
This work is for the individual whose highest interest is self-inquiry for spiritual
development. We are not bypassing the psychological work. We must understand that the
motivation toward energetic awareness is truly spiritual clarity. We arent doing any favorswhen we allow someone to be energetically codependent in our space. For the critics of
the New Age, who assume this type of work is always psychological or spiritual bypassing, I
invite further inquiry.
We must be fearless in exploring our shadow sides. If you are looking for an easy
out, then this work will disappoint. Sometimes what we discover in the energetic trenches
can be deeply humbling. We see the shadows of others, but we must face our own darkness
in the process.
energetIC CodependenCY
When one is unconsciously or consciously connected to energetic entities
that are adversely affecting their energetic reality and sovereignty.
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
20/26
19
Our ego relegates information to the shadow when it cant bear to integrate it into
our conscious awareness. And because we cant contain the energy consciously, we project
it onto others. Like a movie theater's projection from the back room, we dont see the ilm
reel; but the movie on the big screen. It makes sense that when we go looking into those dark
corners with our energetic lashlights, what we see about ourselves is what we ind most
distasteful in others.But this means we are on our way. As we get clear on how we energetically feed off
foreign energieshow we shirk responsibility in our lives and project our disowned parts
onto otherswe begin to emit a humble, grounded energy others recognize and trust. This
is not the inlated feel of a spiritual by-passer who has relinquished the information from her
Soul to an enlightened channeled being, but the deep calm and humility that grows
out of the present moment. It is the feel of surrendered trust and knowledge that the wave
of life is taking us to our Soul Selves and the embodied joy of inding the daily miracles
around us in a fully integrated and human way.
We can free ourselves from energetic limitationsthat are not dependent on the other persons
conscious understanding.
When we ind success in our own life and our friend becomes unconsciously
vengeful, an energetic cord is activated. But what can we do? What if the idea of energetics
is beyond her conscious awareness and a discussion of this issue in the physical reality
would be met with confusion and disbelief? Freeing ourselves from energetic limitations
without the other persons conscious understanding is possible. In fact, it can be extremelyuseful if we are in relationship with someone who is crossed over, in a coma, unable to
communicate, not developmentally mature, or has lost a capacity for mental processing.
Thankfully, we can work on the issue and even potentially keep the relationship in tact
through our own energetic work.
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
21/26
20
yoU Are energy
Some of my clients have been meditating for years, attending energy classes and
workshops, well versed in the topic of energetic awareness. For others, this is brand
new information. If you are interested in depending your knowledge, you can consult
the Resources chapter of this book for further reading suggestions. But I want to take amoment to cover the basics in my own simple way.
tHe poweroftHe energetiC lens
Every one of us is an energy worker. As energetic beings, constantly engaged
with the subtle energies of the people and world around us, we make a thousand minor
energetic tweaks to adjust to each moment. In yoga, this is known as the subtle body
or in Taoism as the light body. It is the outer layer around our physical body that irst
interacts with the world. Our physical body is constant beating our heart, healing smallcuts, expanding our lungs and growing our ingernailsand this happens whether we are
conscious of it or not. But with our energy system, awareness gives us power over our
engagement with the world. We dont need to become paranoid or hypercritical of our
energetic communication, but a basic awareness of the landscape can help tremendously.
This allows us to navigate our lives with intention. All it takes is a little discipline and some
consistency to become luent in energetic communication.
Our energy ield is always listening. If we think a self-defeating thought, it depletes
our energy and our aura contracts and becomes more susceptible to other energies. If you
feel you have not acted in an honorable way, your energy weakens. If you are connected
to your Soul Voice and think thoughts that are afirming and Loving, your energy expands
and strengthens. Your energy is a relection and accumulation of every thought and everyaction.
One of the beneits of the energetic lens is that it allows us to step out of victimhood
and into our own empowerment as spiritual beings. Psychologically, this is known as an
internal locus of control. Instead of our destiny or success being dependent on external
factors, we have great power to alter our own energy and untangle energetically from
others. We have options when the physical world fails us. It might not be possible to say
what we want to say to our boss without losing our job, but energetically you can have the
conversation and change everything.
One of my clients was consistently bullied at work by her manager. She was
constantly under scrutiny, unfairly attacked in a bully/runt archetypal pattern. Wemanaged to shift the energy cords and removed her from the managers energetic radar,
which resulted in a much more peaceful work environment.
In my early days working at the suicide hotline, my boss hounded me every day.
Clients would call in, feeling utter despair and in the direst circumstances, but because the
phone line was part of the for-proit health care system, we were pressured to handle our
calls quickly. You can probably imagine the stress this created, between the desire to give
quality care and the external focus on our numbers. I was constantly on the radar for
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
22/26
21
having long phone calls and received daily lectures about my performance. At the time I
was studying at a meditation center and just beginning to learn about energy work. After I
removed the energy cord between my boss and myself, she immediately stopped hounding
me. I was shocked. My numbers hadnt changed. Nothing had changed in physical reality,
yet everything about our relationship was different. This validated for me the reality and
inluence of our energetic relationships. After that I learned as much as I could about theenergetic world.
I ind the energetic lens to be the most helpful, powerful, healing, eficient and
practical way to shift energy and relationships. Energy awareness takes relating to a whole
new level. And illuminates the codependency relationship in a powerful new light.
The beauty is that we can shift the relationship without talking at all. This doesnt
mean that talking has no value, or we need to avoid verbal communication, but we have
power to shift the relationship without conscious approval from the other person. This is
beneicial when the other person is someone who has passed, who we are not in contact
with, or someone who is incapable of verbally communicating.
We are spirit beings having a human experience. You are always connected to your
energetic source no matter how blocked you may feel. Something is beating your heartbeyond the purely physical; there is an energy that is primary to the measurable electrical
current within your body. This world is energetically based irst, before matter. It is
through our intention and imagination that we engage with this pre-physical world. We are
co-creators with the universal Divine energy, and we can use our intention and clarity to
move out of energetic codependency.
You cant talk to crazy.(but you can work with it energetically)
Healthy communication is a skill we should all learn. Many people dont have basic
skills such as how to use: When You, I feel statements, or the tool of relective listening.
But once we navigate the basics of healthy verbal communication, we must develop the
deeper tools of energetic communication. We are magnetic beings that attract people,
places and things into our lives. And if our energy determines our world, it undoubtedly
plays an enormous role in our communication.
With the energetic lens, communication is always possible. Sometimes it doesnt
make sense to engage in any other way but energetically. Mental illness, such as personality
disorders or mood disorders, can make rational interaction extremely challenging. And
its potentially dangerous to speak with a perpetrator. These are the times when energetic
communication is our only option.
On the surface this may seem disrespectful, to write someone off as unable to
communicate, but I believe it comes from deep respect. I believe it comes from honoring
where they exist developmentally, emotionally and psychologically. This is an issue of
tolerance. To assume that one shouldbe able to communicate at a different level, to ill my
own needs, is truly discourteous. Whenever we insist upon what should be, against the
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
23/26
22
reality of what is, we become the perpetrator.
I have a three-year-old son. If I attempt to talk him down from a tantrum, I set
myself up for failure. I can let him release the tantrum, sit with him while he expresses,
or gently rub his back to calm him. But in the moment, explanations would only be
interpreted as more fuel for the lame of the tantrum. As a mother I must be conscious of
what he has the ability to process, rather than insist he communicate at my level.As we become aware and attuned to the reality of subtle energy, the challenge is
not everyone will be able to understand. Its frightening to navigate the world based upon
internal, invisible realities, particularly when everyone around us only sees the physical
world. But we can learn to rely on our own intuition as guidance in the dark. How we do
thiswithout becoming inlated or delated or delusionalis to repeatedly listen to our
Soul Self and learn the art of ierce discernment.
nextstop: imAginAtion stAtion
Our imagination is our greatest spiritual tool. It allows us to bypass our inner
critical analyzer and permits us to play and engage with the subtle energies. The Soul
speaks to us through the language of metaphor. As with our night dreams, She transfers
symbolic information that is visual in nature. It is through our imagination that we can
receive Her symbolic, visual, metaphorical language. So when my clients begin to access
their intuition and ask me,Am I making this up? I tell them, energy precedes matter. So you
arent making Her up, She is making you up, all the way down to your physical cells.
Imagination gives us the ability to consciously co-create with the universe through
the laser beam of our intention. It is the means of entering into different vibrational
realities. Imagination is the same method employed by shamans to enter into the lower or
upper worlds and in distance healing to examine and heal the abnormalities of atoms. It isalso often used for self-healing, with methods like guided imagery or hypnosis.
When we are young we are naturally luent in the language of the imagination. We
play house, pretend with our dolls and adventure through an exotic jungle looking for
tigers. Many children have access to seeing the colors of the human energy ield. I often
watch young childrens eyes trailing auras and cords between people. Many children have
imaginary friends, or connection to certain animals that may even be one of their spirit
helper animals.
Just as when you were young, playing pretend imagination games for hours, we need
to be able to leave the strict laws of time and space and move into sacred time. To get there,
we learn to check the critic at the door and be willing to be foolish and play. We need to
open to the experience that wants to be revealed to us from our Soul Selves.Sometimes, in the process of remembering how to imagine and play I would get
stumped. My analyzer and critic were too loud screaming in my ear about the silliness of it
all. At these times I would ask myself If you pretended to know what would it be? This
was incredibly freeing. My ego didnt need to identify as someone who was pretending. I
could pretend, to pretendand bypass the perfectionist in me. A little energetic loophole, if
you will. Try it if you ind yourself stuck.
Dont worry about if you are getting it right. Perfectionism does not help us to
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
24/26
23
open to subtle energy states. With imagination, you learn from on the job training. You
need to suspend disbelief long enough to have an experience of what if feels like to be
reconnected with your imagination again. The main lesson to start is to be curious about
how you get your intuitive information. So suspend judgment for a moment and relax your
way of understanding a bit. To calm the inner critic, you can let it know there is always the
opportunity to judge your experience after you have it.
Visualization
Sit in chair with your legs and arms uncrossed. Take several deep breaths. Put a hand on
your belly and feel your stomach going out on the inhale and in on the exhale.
Visualize in your minds eye an apple.
What color is your apple? Is it big or small? Is it attached to a tree or sitting in a bowl?
What else is in the picture of your visualization?
When you have a clear picture of your apple, draw a rough sketch of it or jot down
information about what it looked like below. When you are inished continue reading on
the next page.
My apple looked like (write or draw):
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
25/26
24
Warning:Do Not Read The Following
Until You Have Finished the Previous Exercise.
What color was your apple? Was it Green or Red or Yellow? Was it big or small?
Was it high up on a tree branch or lying in a bowl on a kitchen counter?
When I do this exercise with clients they tell me what color they have seen. For example a
client will tell me they saw a small yellow apple.
How do you know it wasnt red? I ask.
There is usually a pause on the phone. They are stumped, trying to see if their apple
was red. Maybe I saw it as red and they were wrong. Then usually with certainty they
exclaim, Because I saw it as yellow!
And I say, Exactly.
That is the straightforward, direct way of the imagination. It was yellow because
you saw it as yellow. You are not mistaken. There is no big surprise here. It is remarkably
simple and direct. Imagination is deceptively simple. Deceptive to the ego and obvious to
your Soul Self. Our ego is what makes us think it will be hard or unattainable. Trust what
you see. It is there for a reason. Your mind and ego might not know why your apple is
yellow over red, but your Soul self does. And She has lots of information She is so excited to
transmit to you if you will allow Her.
I came up with this easy exercise because so many of my clients told me they could
not access their imaginations. They had lost conidence in their abilities to play. They
wouldnt even try to visualize anything their spiritual self esteem was so low. I have yet to
ind a client who could not pass my Imagination 101 Test.
If you could see, or get any information about your apple, you know how to use yourimagination. Congrats! You have the overlooked and often underused gift of spiritual sight!
BUt, i dont knowif i Believein energy.
As with gravity, you dont need to believe in it for it to be affecting and inluencing
your life. We are all energy workers that navigate the reality of others energy ields,
whether we are conscious of this fact or not. At a party, most of us can read body language
and know whom we want to talk to and whom we feel uncomfortable around. If you ever
watch two dogs in the park, they know immediately if they are going to play or ight.Awareness of the energetic reality empowers us by allowing us to choose our own
reality. But please dont take my word for it. I want you to become an empiricist. Try the
tools and exercises in this workbook and see if you feel differently.
Beware, though, of cynicism. Some degree of skepticism can be helpful to
intellectually process the information. I want you to bring your analytical mind to the work,
but not to the degree that it blocks spiritual experience.
Whether you are completely new to the idea of what a chakra is, or have been
7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity
26/26
Photo Credit: Heather B. Allison Photography
E R S
W.
She weaves together her
background as a Marriage
and Family Therapist with a
modernly mystic approach to
subtle energies. In her one-
on-one sessions, she uses
her ability to see energy to
expose and heal emotional,
psychological and relational
blocks.
www.ElisaRomeo.com