Difficult Conversations
The value of uncomfortable experiences in the search for professional competency
Dr P. Culbertson
Difficult conversations
a productive approachHow to discuss what matters most
Based on research by Carol Cardno
Practice leading to change
Comfort Disequilibrium Threat
Critical dialogue = a conversation that is simultaneously critical and collaborative
“Every man takes the limits of his own field of
vision for the limits of the world”
Arthur Schopenhauer (1851)
What are the characteristics of a difficult conversation
• Defensiveness– Covering up
– Bypassing threat
– Being indirect
– Giving mixed messages
– Withholding information
Avoidance and control are the two major strategies of defensiveness
Reasoning
Productive or defensive
“Productive reasoning is based on what we call mutuality. Principles of shared control, shared thinking, shared evidence, shared planning for improvement and joint responsibility for monitoring” (Piggot Irvine & Cardno, 2006 )
“Defensive reasoning is the tendency to protect oneself from potential threat or embarrassment. Defensive routines are those behaviors which allow us to cover up or bypass threats” (Ibid)
Productive Reasoning
Productive reasoning involves a balancing act between the two predominant features of advocacy and inquiry.
Advocacy: supporting that position that in such a way that is both hypothetical and invites evaluation and challenge.
Inquiry: checking our own and others perceptions in ways which reveal implicit and explicit assumptions
Bilaterality (two sidedness): Informed mutual checking of meaning, understanding, perspective, and agreement, is central to the success of the approach.
Defensive reasoning Productive reasoning
Guiding values:•Win - don’t lose
•Avoid unpleasantness'
•Maintain control
Guiding values:
•Seek and give valid information
•Share control and solution
•Monitor solutions jointly
Strategies:•Not checking assumptions
•Giving indirect or mixed messages
•Not explaining reasoning
•Using questioning to control
Strategies:
•Checking assumptions
•being forthright
•Disclosing reasoning
•asking questions as genuine inquiry
The triple I approach
Ie3
Information - focus on giving and getting quality information
Disclose your position
Illustration - explain the basis for making judgment, give examples
Inquiry - ask relevant questions to seek information
- ask questions that check your assumptions
• Overcoming defensiveness first involves looking at the way that we personally are implicated in the
problem
Eileen Piggot-Irvine 1995
AmiableExpressives
Driver Analytical
Motivated by
security
acceptance
Achievement
recognition
Un-learning
“To un-learn defensive approaches you have to become a reflective learner.”
“You have to learn how to slow down or stop when you become aware that your normal approach is not producing a desired result.”
Cardno
Reflective practiceDonald Schon
Reflective practice is about focusing on action
Knowing-in-action Be able to understand and describe what we know we do in a given situation
Reflection-on-action Ability to stop, stand back, and think about what has happened
Reflection-in-action Ability to think about what we are doing while we are doing it and are capable of changing our actions mid-performance
How style impacts on climate
Effective leaders develop the capacity to make judgments based on their knowledge of:
• Themselves• The situation and the people involved• Each style and its capacity, demands and effects
The quality of these judgments is strongly linked to Emotional Intelligence and its three pillars:
• Self awareness• Empathy• Understanding of communication and relationship dynamics
Learning conversations
“In learning conversations people recognise the importance of treating different accounts of a problem as a resource for learning better ways of thinking about or resolving a problem”
Its about being open to learning from others and surfacing values, beliefs and assumptions. The drive in a learning conversation is for better quality thinking and reasoning” (Robinson & Lai, 2006)
Conversation Self/peer critique Collaboration
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Well I need to have a little bit of a conversation with you Anne
Ok,Ok, that’s fine
Yes, I'm afraid that I have to address something with you
OK
Its just that, well its probably not that big a deal really, but someone has noticed that you are coming really late into school sometimes
Oh really?
I’m afraid so. I've had a few comments about it from a few people
Oh, Ok who?
No evidence
Not checking assumptions
Giving false reassurance to fudge essential message
etc……………
Difficult conversation
Your response Self/peer critique Co construction