Free Worksheets from Mind and Emotions
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31
The Cost of Avoiding Emotions
assessing YouR avoiDanCe stRategies
Using the following worksheet, list the difficult feelings you try to avoid, your short-term avoid-ance strategies, and the long-term consequences in your life. Do this for each of the types of avoidance that you employ on a regular basis. Below, we’ve provided a sample worksheet that combines responses from several people with typical avoidance experiences.
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Mind and Emotions
avoidance Consequences Worksheet
types of avoidance Bad feeling i want to avoid
short-term avoidance strategy
long-term consequences
situational:avoidance of certain people, places, things, or activities
Feeling closed-in, trapped by people
Stay out of crowded elevators, subways
Can’t work downtown
Guilt about divorce Avoid my son Becoming strangers to each other
Intimidated by people watching me
No eye contact or public speaking
People think I’m antisocial and shifty
Cognitive:avoidance of certain thoughts, images, or memories
Guilt and depression about growing apart from my wife
Distracting sexual fantasies
Never deal with the relationship
Fears of injury and disaster
Push the mental images away
Getting even more fearful
Worry about kids getting hurt
Constant ritualized prayer
Distracted and alienating my kids
protective:avoidance of risk through checking, cleaning, perfectionism, procrastination, or carrying lucky charms, a cell phone, mace, and so on
Fear of criticism and scrutiny by others
Perfectionism, overdoing everything
Exhausted, criticized for perfectionism
Fear of failure or inadequacy
Procrastination, can’t get started on papers
Flunking out and depressed
Afraid of getting robbed or raped
Purse stocked with cell phone, whistle, and mace
Maced my neighbor by mistake, lawsuit
somatic:avoidance of internal feelings like fast heart rate, palpitations, being out of breath, overheated, tired, excited, sexually aroused
Fatigue, exhaustion Never exert myself Garden and marriage dying
Excitement, rapid pulse and breathing
Downplay every success, stay negative
People ignore or avoid me
Sexual arousal, which feels like panic
Don’t go on dates Loneliness
substitution:seeking stronger, more tolerable emotions, numbness, alcohol, drugs, bingeing on food, gambling, risk taking, video games, pornography, and so on
Depressed and lonely Bingeing on food Overweight, depressed, and lonely
Boredom, guilt, and shame
Drink too much, then drive and gamble
DUIs, poverty
Anxious about nearly everything
Get lost in computer gaming, eBay, porn
Girlfriend left me
33
The Cost of Avoiding Emotions
avoidance Consequences Worksheet
types of avoidance Bad feeling i want to avoid
short-term avoidance strategy
long-term consequences
situational:avoidance of certain people, places, things, or activities
Cognitive:avoidance of certain thoughts, images, or memories
protective:avoidance of risk through checking, cleaning, perfectionism, procrastination, or carrying lucky charms, a cell phone, mace, and so on
somatic:avoidance of internal feelings like fast heart rate, palpitations, being out of breath, overheated, tired, excited, sexually aroused
substitution:seeking stronger, more tolerable emotions, numbness, alcohol, drugs, bingeing on food, gambling, risk taking, video games, pornography, and so on
39
Values in Action
The worksheet below was filled out by Phil, a fifty-four-year-old technical writer for a soft-ware company, who’s been feeling depressed, anxious, and guilty. Phil has been married to Anna for fifteen years, and they’ve both put on weight and aren’t feeling very interested in each other sexually or otherwise these days. Phil’s dad died two years ago and Phil was the executor of his dad’s will. He borrowed $4,000 from the estate without telling his two brothers and hasn’t paid it back, and he feels guilty about it. On top of all this, he was recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, but he hasn’t managed to get on top of checking his blood sugar and changing his diet.
phil’s values Clarification Worksheet
Domain not important
somewhat important
very important
value
Intimate relationships X Love for Anna
Parenting X
Education and learning X
Friends and social life X
Physical self-care and health
X Staying healthy
Family of origin X Integrity
Spirituality X
Community life and citizenship
X
Recreation and leisure X
Work and career X
Other:
Other:
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Mind and Emotions
values Clarification Worksheet
Domain not important
somewhat important
very important
value
Intimate relationships
Parenting
Education and learning
Friends and social life
Physical self-care and health
Family of origin
Spirituality
Community life and citizenship
Recreation and leisure
Work and career
Other:
Other:
41
Values in Action
Keeping a values in aCtion log
Use the following log to work on your most important two or three domains from the previous exercise over the next ten weeks. In the first column, write your most important domains and the core value you identified for each.
Then, in the second column, write your intentions: the things that you’d be doing if you could get past all the painful thoughts and feelings that keep you from acting 100 percent according to your values. Avoid vague, general intentions like “Be more loving” or “Stay calm.” For the purposes of this exercise, describe small, discreet, measurable actions:
• What you will do exactly: actions and words
• Whom you will do this with
• Where and in what situation you will do it
• When you will do it
Next, visualize yourself doing each of your intentions. Close your eyes and really imagine what it would be like, using all your senses: see yourself and any other people, watch what you do, hear the sounds, smell the smells, feel temperature and textures. Imagine what will be running through your mind and what will be happening in your body. Concentrate on the thoughts and feelings that will be barriers and tend to stop you from following through on your intention. When you have a good sense of the typical barriers to each intention, write them in the “Barriers” column.
Finally, commit to putting your values and intentions into action. Use the log to record the number of times you acted on each of your intentions each week. At the end of ten weeks, you’ll have a record of how you did.
Here’s a blank worksheet for your use, followed by an example filled out by Phil. We rec-ommend that you continue using the log for other values and intentions in the future, so make several copies and leave the version in the book blank for future use.
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Mind and Emotions
values in action log
most important domains and values
intentions
(in detail: who, what, when, where, how)
Barriers
(feelings and thoughts that keep me from acting on my intentions)
number of times i acted on my intention during week number …1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Domain:
value:
Domain:
value:
Domain:
value:
43
Values in Action
values in action log
most important domains and values
intentions
(in detail: who, what, when, where, how)
Barriers
(feelings and thoughts that keep me from acting on my intentions)
number of times i acted on my intention during week number …1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Domain: Intimate Relation-ships
value: Love for Anna
Hug Anna when I get home from work.
Too depressed. 4 4 2 5 4 4 2 1 0 3
Compliment her appearance or something I appreciate.
Resentful of her weight gain.
1 2 0 0 2 0 0 0 0 0
Domain: Physical self-care and health
value: Surviving my diabetes
Check blood sugar daily.
Anxious, depressed, don’t want to know.
5 4 5 3 1 1 0 0 7 6
No more morning donut.
Feeling depressed, “I need a treat. One won’t hurt.”
4 4 4 3 2 0 0 2 5 6
Make a salad and veg for dinner.
Hungry, don’t want to take the time.
5 4 3 2 2 0 0 2 5 6
Domain: Family of origin
value: Integrity
Figure principal and interest on my loan from Dad’s estate.
Guilty, rather not even think about it. “I’m greedy.”
1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Sell coins and railroad collection on eBay.
Feeling of loss. “I love this stuff.”
0 0 0 1 0 1 2 0 2 0
Send money to my brothers.
Ashamed, embarrassed.
0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 1 1