Coaching Conversations:
Committed Listening,
Powerful Speaking
Presenters: Kathleen Eich, PIIC Mentor
Capital Area Intermediate unit Jaime Marshall, Instructional Coach Susquehanna Township High School
Pennsylvania Institute for Instructional Coaching May 5, 2015
Based on the book: Coaching Conversations: Transforming Your School One Conversation at a Time
By Linda Gross Cheliotes and Marceta Fleming Reilly. Corwin Press, 2010
Session Objectives
• Describe a coaching conversation
• Reflect on personal listening skills
• Identify productive and unproductive patterns of listening
• Consider intentional speaking skills that build relationships
Please Do Now:
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One Word: _______________________________
“I never cease to be amazed at the power of the coaching process…”
John Russell, Managing Director Harley Davidson Europe
Coaching Conversations are…
• Highly intentional
• Focused on the other person
– Strengths and challenges
– Attributes the person brings to the conversation
• Purposeful
– Stimulate growth
– Stimulate change
Committed Listening:
• Meets the basic needs of people in a professional setting:
– To have a voice
– To be valued
– To be recognized as individuals who are competent
– To be recognized as individuals who have their own set of values and priorities
Committed Listening
Key points:
Verbal and Nonverbal Communication Value Silence
1. 1.
2. 2.
3. 3.
Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.
- Albert Einstein
Committed Listening
Pay attention to Verbal and nonverbal
Communication
Value Silence
Avoid unproductive
patterns of listening
Listen without obligation to act
Verbal and Nonverbal Communication
How often have you listened to staff members and although
their words said one thing, you knew their messages to you
were very different? We all know that adage, “Actions speak
louder than words.” Nearly two-thirds of meaning between
speakers comes from nonverbal cues – what we see in the
speaker’s face and body, and what we hear in the voice tone.
So your nonverbal communication has more impact on others
than the words you speak. It is very important that your body language and other nonverbal
cues align with the message you want to convey. Conversely by listening to others in a
committed manner, you will “hear” the full message being conveyed to you.
For example, a teacher has just told you that she would be happy to serve on the
school’s new data analysis committee. Yet you can tell by the tightening of her jaw and the tone
of her voice that she is not at all “happy” about the new assignment. As a committed listener
you would notice the disconnect between her words and her physical responses. You would
know that it was time for a coaching conversation. Let’s examine another example in which
nonverbal cues did not align with the intended message:
Suzette’s body language had conveyed a completely different message to the parents
than she had intended.
Nearly two-thirds of meaning
between speakers comes from
nonverbal cues – what we see in
the speaker’s face and body, and
what we hear in the voice tone.
Suzette, a middle school English teacher, was at the end of a long day of parent conferences.
She was tired, hungry, and had a pounding headache. Her last conference was with the Mitchell family.
Joey Mitchell was a quiet student getting average grades, and Suzette was glad that she could end the
day with a quick and easy conference.
So the next day Suzette was very surprised to learn that Joey’s parents had complained to the
principal about her. “She frowned the whole time and had very little to say about our son,” they said.
“We don’t think she likes him and we are not sure we want him to continue in her class.”
In a follow-up coaching conversation the [coach] asked Suzette what she would like to do about
the situation. Suzette listed a number of strategies she could use and they agreed on her response to
the parents.
Then the coach asked her what she had learned from this experience that would be helpful to
her in the future. Suzette immediately identified the importance of watching her body language during
her parent conferences. She responded, “If I want to convey that I am a caring teacher, I must watch
my voice tone and enthusiasm level. I should give as much time to the last conference as to the first.”
Monitoring the alignment between the words you hear and the nonverbal language and
behaviors of those with whom you interact provides important cues as you develop committed
listening skills.
Value Silence In the United States people rarely seek silence. Instead our days are filled with chatter,
e-mail, twitters, texting, telephone conversations, music, TV and other noisy interactions and
distractors. In social situations our habit is to immediately fill any gaps in conversation. Yet in
the classroom we expect our teachers to provide “wait time” after they ask questions of their
students. Research has long demonstrated the value of wait time. More students will respond,
their replies will often involve higher order thinking skills, and children will have time to process
information better. We value silence in our classrooms.
Imagine if you also valued silence during your daily conversations. What might result?
When you focus on providing the speakers with space and time for reflection and processing,
you gift them with committed listening.
Because of Robert’s wise use of silence, Margaret was able to tell the superintendent
emotionally laden information and given time to get to the root of what was really worrying
her. He provided her “sacred space” for her to talk and his silence allowed her to control the
timing, pace, and direction of a conversation that was very difficult for her.
Margaret, the beloved high school math teacher, had asked to speak to Superintendent Robert.
When she entered his office she began crying. Robert checked to be sure that the tissue box was in sight
but did not directly offer it. He simply helped Margaret sit down and then sat beside her, putting his
hand gently on her arm. “It’s OK,” he said. “Whenever you are ready to talk, I am here.” And then he
was quiet.
After a few moments, Margaret composed herself and uttered, “I have just learned that I have
Stage 2 leukemia. My doctor says I must begin treatment right away.”
Again, Robert waited, simply listening for her to continue. After a pause, Margaret continued,
“Surgery is scheduled for next week and then chemotherapy.” Another pause. “I won’t be able to end
the school year as I had hoped and I don’t even know about teaching next year.” Then Margaret cried
again.
Robert gave her a minute to regroup and then offered a tissue. “This is really tough news…Don’t
worry about this year or next…Concentrate on getting yourself well,” he stated.
Finally, Robert asked, “So what can I do to help?”
Margaret responded by asking him questions about sick leave, long-term substitutes, and other
school-related issues.
Cheliotes, L.G. & Reilly, M.F. Coaching Conversations: Transforming Your School One Conversation at
a Time. Thousand Oaks, CA: Corwin. 2010. p. 30-32.
Unproductive Patterns of Listening
Unproductive Pattern Main Points from Reading and Discussion 1. Judgment or Criticism
2. Autobiographical Listening
3. Inquisitive Listening
4. Solution Listening
Cheliotes, L.G. & Reilly, M.F. Coaching Conversations: Transforming Your School One Conversation at
a Time. Thousand Oaks, CA: Corwin. 2010. p. 32-33.
Unproductive Patterns of Listening
1. Judgment or Criticism
Judgment or criticism occurs when the listener focuses attention on hearing flaws in what is
being said, hoping to discredit the speaker or setting up an adversarial relationship with the
other person. Often the listener has an opposing viewpoint. As a result:
Criticism becomes not only the first step in the conversation; it often is the last step,
too, shutting down the possibility for discussion to take place.
Judgment sends the message that only one person has the “right” answers.
When you attack ideas you reduce the possibility for creative thinking and problem
solving to occur.
Criticism may be the way some people are able to influence others.
Judgment conditions others to be dependent on us for approval, leading to a loss of self-
confidence and a breakdown in trust.
Response examples of judgment or criticism include:
“Why did you do it that way?”
“You explained your ideas poorly.”
“I tried that last week and it didn’t work.”
“I really like Gerry’s plan.” (When you approve one plan, all others are discredited.)
By developing and communicating criteria from the beginning, [the coach] is able to share
leadership as well as give staff the benefit of his/her experience.
As you meet with members of your own school community, consider how you receive their
thoughts. How open are you to considering the ideas they suggest? How often do you
encourage discussion without criticism? In what ways could you enhance conversations by
being committed to listening without judgment?
2. Autobiographical Listening
Autobiographical listening is another unproductive pattern of listening. It is also called
“piggybacking” or “highjacking” a conversation. One person discusses an activity or idea that
stimulates the associative power of the listener’s brain to think of his own similar experience.
His attention may wander, he may compare himself with the speaker, or he may be eager to
respond with his own story. Committed listeners refrain from telling their own stories and focus
their full attention on just listening to the speaker.
Think of a theater production. The spotlight shines on the actor who is speaking. If another
character then enters the stage and begins to speak, the spotlight moves away from the former
speaker and now shines on the new actor. Piggybacking in a conversation turns the spotlight off
the speaker and onto the listener. When you are fully committed to listening to the original
speaker rather than your own inner voice, you keep the spotlight focused on the speaker rather
than on yourself.
Consider your conversations. What happens when you highjack another person’s story? How
does that differ from when you listen to someone in a committed manner without interjecting
your own story? What actions might you take to ensure that you are a committed listener who
keeps the conversational spotlight on other people?
Cheliotes, L.G. & Reilly, M.F. Coaching Conversations: Transforming Your School One Conversation at
a Time. Thousand Oaks, CA: Corwin. 2010. p. 34-36.
3. Inquisitive Listening
A third unproductive pattern of listening results when people become overly curious about
irrelevant portions of the speaker’s story. Instead of listening to the essence of the other
person’s message, they become curious about irrelevant details of the story.
In a coaching conversation … listen fully to your colleague by focusing your complete attention
on both the words and underlying emotions being expressed. Instead of asking for irrelevant
data, listen without any obligation to question or respond.
Cheliotes, L.G. & Reilly, M.F. Coaching Conversations: Transforming Your School One Conversation at
a Time. Thousand Oaks, CA: Corwin. 2010. p. 36-38.
4. Solution Listening
A fourth unproductive pattern of listening is solution listening. When someone shares a
problem with school leaders, they are often eager to provide a quick and helpful solution –
even when the other person has not asked for their advice! After all, many [coaches] are [hired]
in their positions because they are such good problem solvers. However, solution listening may
lead you to filter your thinking as you focus on the parts of the conversation that support your
solution and not the entire conversation. As the other person speaks, you may even be
rehearsing how you will present your solution!
Cheliotes, L.G. & Reilly, M.F. Coaching Conversations: Transforming Your School One Conversation at
a Time. Thousand Oaks, CA: Corwin. 2010. p. 38-39.
Conversely, an effective committed listener focuses on understanding the speaker’s
perspective.
Listen Without Obligation to Act
By your presence and committed listening, you convey that you empathize with
the speaker. Listening without any obligation to act allows you to hear what the
other person is saying rather than formulating your next response.
You are willing to “witness the struggle.”
Cheliotes, L.G. & Reilly, M.F. Coaching Conversations: Transforming Your School One Conversation at
a Time. Thousand Oaks, CA: Corwin. 2010. p. 39-40.
Powerful Speaking
Choose Words at the Appropriate Level:
Promise
(Commitment)
I will …, I promise …, or I commit to …
Plan I expect to … I plan to …, or I can …
Passion My dream is … I desire …, or I hope to …
Preference I prefer to … or I want to …
Possibility I might …, I could …, maybe I will …, or I’ll try to …
Obligation I should …, I have to …, or I’d better
Speaking Powerfully
Create an Intention
Choose Words at
the Appropriate
Level
Form Positive
Suppositions
Avoid Advice
1. Consider the goal of the conversation (Allows attention to be focused on the content)
2. Think about the context of the message
3. Act/Speak to achieve the intention
Cheliotes, L.G. & Reilly, M.F. Coaching Conversations: Transforming Your School One Conversation at
a Time. Thousand Oaks, CA: Corwin. 2010. p. 49.
Positive PreSuppositions
• As soon as you speak your words convey either a positive or negative intention to the
listener.
• Questions that begin with did or have you require, at best, a one-word response and may
cause the listener to feel defensive, frustrated, inadequate and dependent.
Situation Negative Intentions Positive Intentions
1. Coach observes that a student was requesting assistance and the teacher did not respond.
Why didn’t you help Frank with that problem?
2. Students are not writing on a regular basis in the classroom.
Do you know any good writing topics?
3. The coach and teacher have discussed strategies for differentiation.
Have you developed differentiated instruction plans for your students?
4. The teacher arrives late for a prescheduled meeting with the instructional coach.
You are late for our meeting. Didn’t you have it in your calendar?
5. After a difficult previous year, it is a few days before school starts.
Are you excited about starting the new school year?
Avoid Advice
• Sometimes the coach, because they are such good problem-solvers, pick up the problems that teachers could have handled themselves.
• Ask yourself the question…
By doing _____, am I building the capacity of the teacher or am I making the teacher dependent on the coach?