Changing Our Words, Changing Our Lives YK Kol Nidre 2008 Rabbi Jon Hanish

Take a look at these robes! Can you believe they make us dress like this? Come

on, it’s a bit ridiculous, don’t you think? When was the last time you went to a

synagogue service and the clergy were prancing around looking like they just walked

through a jar of fluff? I feel like a giant marshmallow.

And two services tonight! If you think I don’t like double services, the poor

choir – they’ve got to listen to two sermons!

And the traffic…. how many of you were caught in a traffic nightmare? It’s like

attempting to get to a Dodger Playoff game. You get within inches of a parking space

and then all traffic comes to a halt… for hours!

Oh, the t’zoris in my life… if only you knew.

How many of you fill your days complaining, gossiping and criticizing? I

typically ask people to raise their hands when I take a poll… but I already know the

answer…. All of us….

Complaints.

Gossip.

Criticism.

How do we exorcise them from our lives?

Do we have the capability to change? Or do we love to complain so much that

the thought of changing leaves us dazed and confused?

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How many of you are asking yourselves, “If I stopped complaining, what would

I do with my time?” …. Or…. “What would I talk to my spouse about?” …. Or….

“Complaining -- it’s my hobby! Don’t take it away from me!” Complaining is like a

drug – the more we do it, the more dependent we are on it. If others around us are also

doing it, we’re more likely to do it. Are you addicted to complaining, gossiping and

criticizing? Are you surrounded by people who do the same?

Words.

Words flow from our minds and out of our mouths. Sometimes our words are

helpful and kind. Sometimes they are harmful and cruel.

During the High Holiday season, we ask God, family, friends and business

associates to forgive us for words spoken in haste and in anger. Most of the time, we are

granted forgiveness, but do we really change or will we return to the same people next

year asking for forgiveness for the same mistakes all over again? Are we really learning

anything by…

….attending Yom Kippur services?

….By thumping on our chests during Al Cheyt?

….By begging God for forgiveness?

How often have you heard a rabbi say -- “Now is the time for T’Shuvah, now is

the time for repentance. T’shuvah means to turn, to return. So, let us turn our souls in

the right direction.”

Honestly, how many of us can even turn ourselves in the right direction for the

next 24 hours, the next two hours, the next two minutes? Old habits are hard to break.

What will it take to make us learn, not to REPENT, but to actually CHANGE?

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Each and every one of us complains…. gossips…. criticizes. Can we learn to

remove our innate desire to let unkind words slip through our lips? Can we learn to focus

our words on the positive and not the negative? Can we learn not to complain, not to

gossip, not to criticize?

We can… but it’s not going to be easy.

A young monk joined an order that required total silence. At his discretion, the

abbot could allow any monk to speak. It was nearly five years before the abbot

approached the novice monk and said, “You may speak two words.” Choosing his words

carefully, the monk said, “Hard bed.” With genuine concern, the abbot said, “I’m sorry

your bed isn’t comfortable. We’ll see if we can get you another one.”

Around his tenth year in the monastery, the abbot came to the young monk and

said, “You may say two more words.” “Cold food,” the monk said. “We’ll see what we

can do,” the abbot said.

On the Monk’s fifteenth anniversary, the abbot said again, “you may now speak

two words.”

“I quit,” the monk said. “It’s probably for the best,” replied the abbot, “you’ve

done nothing but gripe since you got here.”

Are our words filled with complaints? And, if so, why do we spend so much time

complaining?

Psychologist and Researcher Robin Kowalski found that people complain for a

specific outcome. Some people complain for attention. Some complain out of fear.

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Some complain in search of friendship. Some complain to retain their friendships, their

jobs, their lifestyles.

For example, the “sick role” – someone who always complains about their health

-- allows people to achieve secondary gains such as sympathy from others. But there is

a downside to the “sick role.”

A complaining nature increases the likelihood that a person will be sick. If you

stop complaining, you might actually improve your own health. Of course, you might

have nothing left to talk about. Even worse, you might not be able to generate sympathy

for yourself.

Our words are reflections of our inner lives. When we complain, we display our

own insecurities. According to Reverend Will Bowen, author of A Complaint Free

World, “Complainers lose friends. People who complain too frequently are labeled as

whiners and may risk being excluded from valued social groups or relationships.

Complainers are also braggarts.

“For example, people may complain about the food at a restaurant to show that

they have discriminating culinary standards.”1 … Or… “People may complain about the

behavior of another as a means of making themselves look superior or intimidating.” 2

When you think about it this way, complaints are actually a type of bragging.

Of course, if you spend most of your day complaining, gossiping or criticizing,

there’s a good chance that your spouse, family and friends share the same pattern. People

tend to run along a continuum in degrees of rarely complaining to constantly

complaining. If a person within a group falls too far out of the norm for the group, in

1 IBID 2 IBID

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time that person will find that he or she is no longer welcome. So, if you were to

suddenly stop complaining, you might need to find a new social group.

So it seems that our words are not just reflections of our souls but also of the people with

whom we associate. If we spend time with people who complain, who gossip, who

criticize, then we are likely to do the same. As Richard Bach writes in Illusions, “Like

attracts like.”

Theoretical physicist Stephen (steven) Hawking once said, “It is a waste

of time to be angry about my disability. One has to get on with life and I haven't done

badly. People won't have time for you if you are always angry or complaining."

Whom do you want to attract? People who complain or people with positive

attitudes? Your words are a reflection not just of your soul but also of your life.

Lily Tomlin said, “Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.”

Complaining – it’s in our souls.

There are two things upon which most people will agree:

1. There is too much complaining in the world.

2. The state of the world is not the way we would like it.

In my opinion there is a correlation between the two. We, all of us, are focusing

on what is wrong rather than focusing our vision on a healthy, happy, and harmonious

world.3

3 CFW page 25.

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How do we achieve a healthy, happy and harmonious world? By starting with

ourselves. By training ourselves to think and speak positively, constructively, truthfully,

and without degrading others.

I’m sure many of you are saying, “Sometimes I just have to complain.” Go

ahead. You have full rights to do whatever you want. It’s your choice… and sometimes

it makes sense to complain

It is my personal belief that complaining should happen…. infrequently.

Criticism and gossip -- never.

The (Merriam Webster) Dictionary defines Complain as: To express grief, pain,

or discontent. Is there grief, pain or discontent that you need to express? Has someone

close to you died? Have you or someone close to you suffered unbearable pain from a

physical accident or emotional hardship? Is there a relationship in your life that is so

negative that the only feeling associated with it is discontent?

Speak out. Complain. Express your grief, your pain, your discontent. It’s

important to complain when your emotional life is in a state of complete turmoil. But

let’s admit that life events that lead us to legitimately complain are exceedingly rare.

Leviticus 19:16 teaches, “You shall not go up and down as a talebearer among thy

people.” It is a direct commandment – do not gossip, do not bear tales.

Gossip is known as Lashon harah in Hebrew texts. A direct translation renders

lashon harah as “the evil tongue.” The Chafetz Chaim, a great 19th century Jewish

scholar, lists 31 mitzvot which may be violated when a person speaks OR listens to

Lashon Harah. The Talmud states that habitual speakers of lashon hara are not tolerated

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in God’s presence. In other words, traditional Jews believe that gossip keeps both the

gossiper and the listener from entering heaven.

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A story is told about the Chafetz Chaim. He once visited a generous donor to his

Yeshiva. During their conversation, the wealthy entrepreneur was busy writing a

telegram to a business associate.

After a few minutes of conversation, it seemed that the discussion was leading in

the direction such that leshon ha-ra might ensue. At that point the Chafetz Chayim

noticed that the businessman had rewritten the telegram several times , and commented to

him about his having written out every word with great care.

The business man replied that indeed he had taken great care in composing the

telegram, since “every unnecessary word here will cost me extra expenses.” The Chafetz

Chayim replied: “If only everyone was as careful as this when choosing what to say!

Don’t they know that every unnecessary word they speak will cost them dearly in the

World to come?”

Criticism tears someone down, and when we debase someone we actually give that

person implicit permission to act in similar ways in the future. If we criticize a person as

being lazy, for example, they then accept this as reality when relating to us. This gives

them unspoken permission to act as a person worthy of the label “lazy” and the behavior

repeats itself.

Why should you avoid criticism? People respond much more favorably to

appreciation than criticism. Appreciation inspires a person to excel so as to receive more

appreciation.

Two construction workers sit down to eat lunch. One opens his lunch box and

complains, “Yech! A meatloaf sandwich… I hate meatloaf sandwiches.” His friend says

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nothing. The following day, the two meet up again for lunch. Again the first worker

opens his lunch box, looks inside, and, this time more agitated, says, “Another meatloaf

sandwich!? I’m sick and tired of meatloaf sandwiches. I hate meatloaf sandwiches!” As

before, his colleague remains silent.

The third day, the two are preparing to eat lunch when the first construction

worker opens his lunch box and begins to shout, “I’ve had it!! Day in and day out it’s

the same thing! Meatloaf sandwiches every blessed day! I want something else!”

Wanting to be helpful, his friend asks, “Why don’t you just ask your spouse to make you

something else?”

With bewilderment on his face, the first man replies, “What are you

talking about? I make my own lunch.”

We all make our own lunch. Are you sick of what you’re eating?

Maya Angelou once said, “If you don't like something change it; if you can't

change it, change your attitude. Don't complain.” As my High Holiday gift to you, I

want to give you a way to get out of the complain-gossip-criticize cycle and to create a

healthier environment for you, your family, your friends and your business associates.

On my wrist is a purple wristband from an organization called “A Complaint Free

World.” Over SIX million of these bracelets have been distributed to individuals in over

80 countries during the last two years.

In July of 2006, Rev. Will Bowen of Christ Church Unity in Kansas City, MO --

who was the inspiration for this sermon -- was teaching a series on Prosperity. Part of

this series was helping the congregation form a habit of gratitude by going 21-days

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without complaining. Studies show it takes 21 days for people to form a new habit. In an

effort to make the lesson practical, the church purchased purple bracelets and gave

them away encouraging each person to move the bracelet to the other wrist when they

caught themselves complaining and continue to do so until the bracelet stayed on the

same wrist for 21 consecutive days. This allowed each individual to create a new habit of

being a Complaint Free person.

Tonight, when you leave, you will receive a bracelet. You’ll place the bracelet on

one of your wrists. Whenever you find yourself complaining, gossiping or criticizing,

move the bracelet from one wrist to another. Now, don’t get discouraged. It takes most

people four to eight months to actually go 21 days without moving the bracelet. I put

mine on 24 hours ago and have already moved it at least ten times.

Six helpful hints….

1. Thoughts don’t count. Only words that are spoken. So, use the bracelet as a

tool to remind you to think before you speak.

2. Intent can define whether something is a complaint or a comment. If you’re

questioning whether something you just said is a complaint or a comment,

you’ve probably just complained. The words in a complaint and a non-

complaint can be identical; what distinguishes the two is your meaning and

your energy behind them.

3. In regards to gossiping -- If you’re unwilling to repeat your statement about a

person to that person, you’re gossiping. The It’s not gossip if what you’re

saying about the person is complimentary and you would repeat, word for

word, what you are saying if the absent person were present.

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4. Instead of complaining, attempt to find solutions. You can often get what you

desire by expressing what you want rather than complaining about the way

things are. (CFW p 98). Don’t focus on the problem, focus on the solution.

5. Change your vocabulary – instead of saying you have a problem, state you’re

looking for an opportunity; instead of calling something a setback, refer to it

as a challenge; instead of saying you have “to do” something, say you “get

to” do something; instead of calling someone your enemy call them your

friend; instead of stating you have a complaint, say you have a request;

instead of discussing your struggles, discuss your journey; instead of saying I

demand, say I would appreciate. Use positive words. Use words that look

toward the future.

6. Only you can determine if your bracelet needs to be moved. Not your spouse;

not your friend; not your child; not your business partner.

Eckhart Tolle, in “A New Earth,” writes “Complaining is not to be

confused with informing someone of a mistake or deficiency so that it can be put right.

And to refrain from complaining doesn’t necessarily mean putting up with bad quality or

behavior. There is no ego in telling the waiter your soup is cold and needs to be heated

up—if you stick to the facts, which are always neutral. ‘How dare you serve me cold

soup…?’ That’s complaining.”

By not complaining, we learn how to communicate; how to role model; how to

be a positive source of energy in the world; how to make our lives happier and more

fulfilling.

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In parasha Nitzavim, read on Yom Kippur day, Moses states that God has placed

before the Israelites both life and death, blessing and curse. Moses declares, “Choose

life, that you may live.” Life and blessings are in the words we speak. Death and curses

are also in the words we speak. Choose life. Speak only words that make your soul and

the souls of those around you glow with joy.

Take home the wristband. Give it a try. And when you don’t succeed, try again

and again and again. As Winston Churchill stated, “Success is going from failure to

failure without losing enthusiasm.”

Good luck with your bracelets and your words!

May your fast be an easy one and may your words be words of righteousness.