BOB'S BURGERS
"Greens with Envy"
written by
Keegon Schuett
DRAFT 2
06/06/14
ACT ONE
EXT./ESTAB. BOBS BURGERS - DAY
EXT. STREET - SAME
LINDA, GENE, and LOUISE stand outside the restaurant observing the small crowd packed around the storefront next door. BOB comes outside.
BOB
Whats going on out here?
LOUISE
Shh, Dad. Shut your beautiful mouth.
GENE
Theyre gonna cut the ribbon.
BOB
Ribbon? What ribbon?
LINDA
Theres a new restaurant next door.
Looks exciting, Bobby!
A curtain is torn down unveiling the restaurants name: THE SALAD SALOON. A brassy cowgirl with big blonde hair pulls out a pair of scissors. This is SUSANNA.
SUSANNA
Yall ready for a real vegan, no meat,
non-violent western-themed salad
restaurant? Can I get a Yee-haw? *
Another cowgirl with huge red hair appears. This is SUSANNAH.
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 1.
SUSANNAH
Yee-haw, cowgirl!
Susanna opens the scissors.
SUSANNAH (CONTD)
Wait, Susanna! *
SUSANNA
What, Susannah? *
SUSANNAH
Dont cut it. Lets untie it.
SUSANNA
Recycling?
SUSANNAH
Recycling.
The two ladies untie the ribbon.
THE SUSIES
Were open, partners!
They point a gun in the air. Fire it and a flower comes out. The crowd applauds. Gene joins in. Louise smacks his hands.
The Susies go inside with the small crowd.
BOB
Salads.
GENE
Did cowgirls invent salads?
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 2.
LOUISE
What kind of cowgirls dont even eat
cows? Thats my question.
GENE
They dont eat cows?
LINDA
They dont serve burgers, Gene.
GENE
Wait, cows are made out of burgers?
BOB
We dont have anything to worry about,
kids. No business ever lasts long *
there and nobody wants salads anyway.
Right?
A group of shoppers walk by.
PREPPY SHOPPER
Im, like, literally starving.
SURFER SHOPPER
Im gonna actually die.
BOB
Were a restaurant.
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 3.
BEAUTIFUL SHOPPER
Theres nothing good to eat around
here.
PREPPY SHOPPER
Literally.
BOB
We serve food.
SURFER SHOPPER
Whoa, look.
PREPPY SHOPPER
No way. A Salad Saloon?
BEAUTIFUL SHOPPER
Text everyone. Like, now.
A huge crowd of attractive hipsters run down the street toward the Salad Saloon. They bump into the Belchers and squeeze into the restaurant.
LOUISE
Youre right, Dad. Weve got nothing
to worry about.
INT. ARTS AND CRAFTS ROOM - DAY
TINA is hunched over a crumpled dreamcatcher, gluing feathers to it. MR. FROND stands at the front of the classroom.
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 4.
MR. FROND
Making dreamcatchers is about
following your dreams, kids. Thats
DREAMS.
He writes on the board DREAMS.
MR. FROND (CONTD)
Decidedly Riveting Expectations And--
TINA
Matching Success.
MR. FROND
Great, Tina! DREAMS, catch them.
Tina looks down at her dreamcatcher. She throws some glitter on it. The door opens.
A teenage guy with long flowing vegan hair enters. This is EARTH.
EARTH
Excuse me, Mr. Frond.
Time slows down. Tina stares at him. Is there wind blowing through his hair? Yes. Its beautiful. *
TINA(under her breath)
Sit next to me.
EARTH
My names Earth. Im new in town.
Like shes dreaming, Tinas chair turns into a globe. Shes *spinning and spinning. Catching glimpses of her new crush. *
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 5.
TINA
Theres a seat open next to me.
A huge wave crests from behind Earth in the hall way and *completely douses him with water. He shakes his hair like Bo *Derek. *
EARTH
Is it too late for me to join The
Dream Catchers?
MR. FROND
Not at all. Its never too late to
catch DREAMS. Thats Decidedly--
Tina snaps back to reality. *
TINA(so fast shes out of breath and full of love)
Riveting Expectations And Matching
Success. Im Tina.
Earth smiles at her. She taps the chair next to him and swings her hair flirtatiously. It gets stuck in her mouth.
INT. THE SALAD SALOON
GENE and LOUISE look around. There are so many beautiful people eating salads.
GENE
If I ate salads would I look like that
guy?
He points out a THIN MAN with lettuce in his mouth and sucks *in his belly. LOUISE puts her hand on his shoulder.
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 6.
LOUISE
Gene. Gene, baby. That guy does a lot
more than just eat salads. That guy
looks like a skeleton wearing a man
costume. You...I say this with love...
GENE
Go on...
LOUISE
You look like a donut that eats other
donuts.
GENE
A cannibal donut.
LOUISE
Gene, if youre serious about losing
weight, youre gonna need a trainer.
Somebody wholl keep you in line.
Someone whos stronger than you.
Smarter and more beautiful, but in a
surprisingly original and threatening
way. OK, OK, fine...Ill do it!!
GENE
Im gonna be beautiful.
EXT. STREET - DAY
TINA and EARTH walk together holding their dreamcatchers.
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 7.
EARTH
Youre really good at making
dreamcatchers, Tina.
TINA
I love you, Earth.
EARTH
What?
TINA
Uhhh, I said, I love the Earth! *
EARTH
Dont we all? You really captured the *
Native Americans plight and the
subversion of natural cultures in
relation to the dichotomy of injustice *
with your piece today. *
TINA
Totally. Thats what I meant to do.
EARTH
I like you, Tina.
TINA
I like you, too.
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 8.
EARTH
No, I mean, I like you like a vegan *
hippie pansexual.
TINA
Oh, yeah. Thats how I like you too.
EARTH *
Maybe you could be my... *
TINA *
Girlfriend? *
Earth is distracted as they approach the two restaurants. *
EARTH
Oh, thats my place up there.
TINA
Really?
EARTH
My moms run The Salad Saloon. We dont
eat meat. Its cruel.
TINA
Yeah. So youre not into burgers then.
EARTH
No, in fact, I could never love
someone who even thought about
burgers. Where do you live?
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 9.
TINA
Nowhere. Everywhere. Im a free
spirit. Bye.
She drops her dreamcatcher as she runs away.
INT. THE SALAD SALOON - DAY
GENE and LOUISE look at the menu. TUMBLEWEED GIRL, a sullen *teenage employee, stands behind the counter. *
GENE
Whats a kale?
LOUISE
Maybe its like ginger ale.
GENE
Three kales please. And make it
snappy. Ive gotta run.
LOUISE
Oh, Gene. You need to pace yourself.(to the TUMBLEWEED GIRL)
He doesnt run all that often. Hell
have one kale for here. Thanks.
BOB and LINDA enter the restaurant.
LINDA
Gene? Louise? What are you doing here?
GENE
No time to talk, Mom. (to TUMBLEWEED GIRL)
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 10.
(MORE)
Make that five kales to go. On the
double. *
BOB
Are you ordering food here?
GENE
Gotta run!
He runs off.
LOUISE
Run faster, you slob! *(to her parents)
Kids these days. Barely know how to *
run! Am I right? *
She follows. The TUMBLEWEED GIRL blows her bubblegum.
LINDA
Excuse me, can you tell us where the
owners are?
She doesnt say anything.
BOB
Just wanna say hi. Were from the
restaurant next door.
Another bubble.
BOB (CONTD)
We serve burgers.
The bubble pops. Everyone in the restaurant stops eating. The TUMBLEWEED GIRL slides away quietly rustling.
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 11.
GENE (CONT'D)
BOB and LINDA look around. Very worried. They huddle together. Traditional Western stand-off MUSIC plays. *
A single pair of boots start stomping toward them. Spurs clinking as she walks. Its SUSANNA. She swings her full head of blonde hair around. SUSANNAH appears in the background, *arms crossed.
SUSANNA
Susannah, do you smell that? *
SUSANNAH
Yeah. What is that?
LINDA
I dont smell anything.
SUSANNA
I think its that one smell I really
dont like. Whats that smell again?
SUSANNAH
Oh, you mean burgers? *
SUSANNA
No, that other thing. *
She walks up to BOB and she pushes him.
SUSANNA (CONTD) *
I smell a couple of failures. *
PATRONS *
Oooooooooohhhh.... *
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 12.
LINDA
Hi, Im Linda and this is my husband
Bobbby. We--
SUSANNAH
We know who you are.
SUSANNA
Youre not welcome here.
SUSANNAH
Unless youre buying a salad.
SUSANNA
Thats right. Are you buying a salad?
LINDA
Bobby?
BOB
Uh, no. No, were not.
SUSANNA
Of course you arent.
BOB
Whats that supposed to mean?
SUSANNA
Take a look around, burger-murder man.
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 13.
SUSANNAH
Yeah! Look at us. Then look at you.
The beautiful salad-eaters stare at BOB. He sees their beautiful muscles protruding from their fashionable clothing.
BOB *
I dont know what you mean. *
LINDA *
Yeah, what? Do you think hes fat? *
BOB *
Fat? Linda? You think Im fat? *
LINDA *
No, I didnt mean fat-fat. *
BOB *
But you think Im fat. *
LINDA *
Bob, theres no denying you do have a *
little extra-- *
BOB *
Well, you dont exactly have a perfect *
body either! *
LINDA *
OH! Oh, yeah? At least I dont have a *
Bobby Burger Belly. *
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 14.
BOB *
I dont have a-- *
SUSANNA
Hahaha, Bobbys burger belly!
She lets out a loud cackle.
SUSANNA (CONTD)(a growing chant)
Burger Belly! Burger Belly!
THE SUSIES
Burger Belly! Burger Belly!
EVERYONE
Burger Belly! Burger Belly!
Burger Belly!
Bob runs away! Linda is left alone in a sea of chanting vegetarians. Her stomach starts growling. *
LINDA *
Oh, man. *
END OF ACT ONE
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 15.
ACT TWO
INT. KITCHEN - MORNING
BOB carries all of the meat products from the refrigerator to the trash. LINDA enters.
LINDA
Whoa, Bobby, whatre you doing?
BOB
Im getting a fresh start. I pulled
out that juicer you got for Christmas
last year that youve never used and *
Im only eating healthy from now on.
LINDA
Is this about what happened yesterday?
BOB
I dont know what you mean, Linda. *
Maybe one of us is a little *
embarrassed about how we treated our *
spouse in public yesterday. *
LINDA *
Oh, are you? Because I was just *
telling the truth. *
BOB
Me too! Im being healthy because I *
want to be. Im an adult, Linda. I
make my own decisions.
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 16.
LINDA
OK. Well, I make my own decision too! *
Im gonna eat healthy with you. Not *
that I need to because Im not fat. *
BOB *
Neither am I! *
LOUISE and GENE enter.
LOUISE
Breakfast for one and a half.
LINDA
Whats the magic word? *
GENE
Abracadabra?
LOUISE
Ill have bacon and eggs.
GENE
And Ill have--
LOUISE
Two bites of a banana. Gene, jumping
jacks! Cmon!
GENE
Oh, yeah! I will be beautiful!
He starts doing jumping jacks vigorously. His arms knock over *appliances on the counter or photos off the wall as he goes. *
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 17.
BOB
We dont have bacon or eggs. Were
only eating healthy non-meat products
in this house.
LOUISE
What?! Are you crazy?
TINA enters wearing tie-dye and flowers in her hair.
TINA
Does this mean we dont sell burgers
anymore?
LINDA *
No. We still sell burgers. Your father *
and I just want to eat better. Its a *
decision we made together as a team *
and were sticking with it. *
TINA
Oh, ok, bye.
She leaves.
GENE
I. Will. Be. Beautiful.
He gasps and pants. He falls onto the floor. LOUISE stands on her chair and drops a chunk of a banana into his mouth.
LOUISE
Did I tell you to stop?! KEEP GOING!
Gene doing jumping jacks while laying on the floor. *
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 18.
LOUISE (CONTD) *
Get up! *
He tries. He slips in his sweat. More horizontal jumping *jacks. *
It looks like hes making sweat angels. *
INT. ARTS AND CRAFTS ROOM - DAY
TINA walks into the room. MR. FROND stands as she enters.
MR. FROND
Tina, ready to catch some DREAMS
today?
TINA
Is Earth here yet?
MR. FROND
No. Do you need to talk, Tina? Are you
feeling feelings for Earth?
TINA
Mr. Frond, I just want to channel all
my feelings into feathers, beads, and
thread.
MR. FROND
Very well.
She sits down at her station. She gets to work.
EARTH enters. He carries her dreamcatcher from the other day.
EARTH
You dropped this.
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 19.
He gives it to her.
EARTH (CONTD)
Whyd you run away?
TINA
Listen, Earth. I may seem like a girl,
but Ive seen Pretty Woman twice so I
know a thing or two.
EARTH
Tina--
TINA
Dont call me Tina. From now on, my
name is...uh, Iceberg and Im your *
girlfriend whos never even heard of
burgers. What are those? Ive never
heard of them.
EARTH
Do you wanna go protest with me, Tin--
I mean, Iceberg?
TINA
Im all for it. Unless youre against
it.
She swings her hair flirtatiously. It gets in her mouth *again. *
INT. BOBS BURGERS - DAY
BOB stands behind the counter eating a salad slowly. Hes grimacing. Its causing him lots of pain.
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 20.
LINDA stands next to him, staring down at her salad. She lifts her fork. She frowns.
BOB
Im so happy were doing this as a
family. I feel very happy.
LINDA
Salads. Who knew?
BOB
I cant believe we went so long
without these things in our lives.
LINDA
Yeah, maybe if one of us was more open- *
minded about food, we would have *
discovered them sooner. *
BOB *
Maybe one of us didnt know that the *
other one of us wanted to eat better *
all along. *
LINDA *
Maybe! *
GENE enters wearing sweats and carrying a bottle of water. LOUISE follows.
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 21.
LOUISE
Gene, thats a two minute break, but
remember...every second youre not
exercising your bodys getting fatter.
Thats science.
BOB
Gene, you dont look so good.
GENE
Thank you. Just exercise and portion
control. Anyone can look this good.
LINDA
What are you doing to him, Louise?
LOUISE
What am I doing? What have you people
done to him?! Look at him. If I hadnt
done anything, people would be
chanting Burger Belly at him in the
streets. Do you want that? Huh?! Do
you?
LINDA
I need some air.
She goes outside. *
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 22.
GENE
Oh, its a piece of tofu. I just wake
up and do six hundred push-crunches.
Then I jog around the laps until the
sun makes my pores cry. Anyone can do
it. When your bodys tired thats just
your body getting muscle-stronger.
EXT. STREET
LINDA sneaks off to a pay phone. She makes a call. *
GENE jogs with LOUISE behind him.
LOUISE
You call that jogging?
She sees their Mom.
LOUISE (CONTD)
Gene! Stop! Gene!
GENE
Cant stop. The calories are on fire!
LOUISE
Get over here.
They hide behind a bench and listen.
LINDA
No, listen, I cant take it anymore.
You cant come to the house. Meet me
in the alley.
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 23.
(MORE)
My husband cant know about this.
Yeah. I want it hot and I want it now.
She hangs up and sneaks away. LOUISE and GENE pop their heads up.
LOUISE
Wow! Well, I cant say I didnt see it
coming.
GENE
The Mayan apocalypse?
LOUISE
No. Moms leaving Dad because of his
Burger Belly. You know what that
means, Gene.
GENE
What?
LOUISE
Youve gotta exercise more! Mom
doesnt love fatties! Now move!! No
pain, no gain!
EXT. BOBS BURGERS STOREFRONT - DAY *
EARTH and TINA join the crowd outside of Bobs Burgers. He hands her a sign.
TINA
Uhhhh....
She looks at the sign. It says BOBS MURDERS.
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 24.
LINDA (CONT'D)
EARTH
Im so glad youre with me. Were
going to stop an evil man today.
SUSANNA and SUSANNAH approach them.
SUSANNA
Earth! You made it! Whos this pretty
person with you?
SUSANNAH(a whisper)
We dont see gender, just aura.
TINA
Im Iceberg. I hate meat and I love
global cooling.
EARTH
Icebergs a free spirit. She doesnt
have a home.
SUSANNA
You can move in with us!
SUSANNAH(a whisper)
Were very open-minded.
TINA
Uhhhhh....
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 25.
INT. BOBS BURGERS - SAME
BOB hears the commotion and shoves his salad aside. His stomach growls loudly.
CROWD
Tweet if you dont eat meat!
Meat is murder!
Tweet if you dont eat meat!
BOB looks out the window and sees a sea of hot dogs, chicken nuggets, and burgers wearing clothes and carrying protest signs.
BOBS BELLY
Burgerssss.
He grabs his stomach. He opens the door and goes outside. He squints and spots Tina.
BOB
Tina? What are you doing?!
EARTH
Does he know you, Iceberg?
BOB
Come inside right now!
SUSANNA
Are you Burger Bellys daughter?
TINA *
I dont-- Im not-- Look at the time! *
TINA looks around frantically and drops her protest sign, running away.
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 26.
BOB doubles over, very hungry. GENE, a donut, and LOUISE, a hot dog with pink bunny ears run up to him.
LOUISE
Dad! Weve got something to tell you.
BOB
Not now, hot dog.
LOUISE
Whats wrong with Dad?
The crowd wanders toward The Salad Saloon.
BOB
Whats happening?
The Susies get behind a podium. *
SUSANNA
None of us are happy about the
atrocities happening next door. Did
you know that 98% of all meat-eaters
die before age 46?
BOB *
Thats not even remotely true!! *
CROWD
Meat is murder!
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 27.
SUSANNAH
So many of you cowgirls and boys just
love burgers, but dont love the guilt
of slaughtering helpless animals,
right?
CROWD
Thats right.
BOB
Oh, no.
SUSANNA
Well, were pleased to announce our
latest menu item.
She unveils the sign. It reads - WANTED: THE MURDER-FREE BURGER.
SUSANNAH
Get em now!
The crowd goes wild and go into The Salad Saloon. BOB puts his head in his hands.
END OF ACT TWO
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 28.
ACT THREE
EXT. STREET - DAY
BOB has his head in his hands. LOUISE taps him. Shes still a hot dog to him.
LOUISE
This might not be the best time to
tell you, but Mom is meeting a guy in
the alley for...uh, well...
GENE
Something hot right now. *
Bob stands up.
BOB
What?!
EXT. ALLEY - DAY
BOB opens the door to the alley just as LINDA takes a big bite out of a meat-covered piece of pizza. She faces away, hiding the pizza box.
BOB
Linda. Linda!!
She gasps. But finishes eating the piece of pizza before turning around.
LINDA
What?
BOB
Were you just doing what I think you
were doing?
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 29.
LINDA
What do you think I was doing?
BOB
Listen, I know I dont have a perfect *
body, but Im trying.
LINDA
I know you are, Bobby.
BOB
If you need some other man who doesnt
have a Burger Belly to make you happy,
then I dont know what else I can do.
LINDA
What are you talking about?
BOB
Louise told me everything!
LINDA
Well, you pushed me, Bob! What was I *
supposed to do? *
BOB
I thought we were in this together. *
Now youre meeting men in the alley. *
Its cheesy! *
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 30.
LINDA
No, Bob. It was meaty. *
BOB *
I dont want to know any more about *
it. I guess this is it for us, Lin. I *
hope the two of you have a great life *
together! *
He storms off angrily. Linda is very confused. She shrugs and *opens the pizza box. She eats another slice. *
EXT. STREET - DAY
TINA sits alone on the bench by the phone booth. She holds her protest sign by her side.
EARTH approaches her.
EARTH
Hey, Iceberg.
TINA
Hi, Earth.
EARTH
Is it true that you live in a burger
restaurant?
TINA
Maybe.
EARTH
You can tell me. I wont be mad. Im
never mad.
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 31.
TINA
Im not like you, Earth. I grew up
surrounded by burgers. The only thing
Ive ever protested was the school
dress code and I wasnt born with a
cool name like Iceberg. I know that
Im not the girl for you.
EARTH
Nobodys perfect, Iceberg. You can
start over. Escape your old life and
live with me and my moms.
TINA
Just like the end of Pretty Woman?
EARTH
Yeah.
TINA
Ill think about it.
INT. BOBS BURGERS- DAY
BOB spears some lettuce and eats it. The little hot dog with bunny ears returns.
LOUISE
OK, Dad. Enough is enough. This isnt
you.
She smacks the fork out of his hand.
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 32.
BOB
Hey!
LOUISE
Hey, yourself! I dont like whats
happened to you. The Dad I know liked
his burgers, breakfast, lunch and
dinner...and sure, from time to time,
some mean ladies with big hair would
make fun of his gut, but so what?!
Thats life! Salads all day, thats
not life! I mean, look at whats
happened to you or to Gene!
GENE stands at the window staring at his reflection.
GENE(singing)
My ballads for salads
Youve made me so pretty.
Im a male who eats kale *
Salads help my dream truly sail. *
LOUISE
Snap out of it, Dad!
She slaps him. He sees normally again.
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 33.
LOUISE (CONTD)
Lets go teach those ladies a lesson
theyll never forget!
BOB *
A cooking lesson. *
LOUISE *
A manners lesson. **
INT. THE SALAD SALOON - DAY
Customers eat the MURDER-FREE BURGER. They seem to be enjoying themselves. TINA carries a small bag and is greeted by the SUSIES and EARTH.
SUSANNA
So youve decided to give up that life
of burgers for a greener life.
TINA
It was a hard decision, but yes.
SUSANNAH
Well, the grass is greener when youre
only eating salads.
The Susies laugh.
SUSANNA
Youll be sleeping in the basement
with Grandma.
TINA
Grandma?
EARTH
And all of her cats.
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 34.
TINA
What does Grandma smell like?
EARTH *
Oh, youll see. *
TINA *
Dont you mean smell? *
EARTH *
No, shes got like...a cloud around *
her. *
A hush falls over the restaurant. The TUMBLEWEED GIRL rustles away. The sound of boots and spurs clinking as BOB enters the Saloon with LOUISE on his tail.
SUSANNA turns at him. A stand-off. Patrons chew and watch silently.
SUSANNA
Yall came to the wrong western-themed
salad chain restaurant, ya hear?
Youre not welcome.
SUSANNA pulls her gun out of her holster.
SUSANNAH
Susanna, it dont got to be like this.
SUSANNA
I reckon it does, Susannah.
LOUISE
Is that even a real gun?
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 35.
SUSANNA
Mmhmm. And its loaded too.
BOB
With what? A flower like last time?
SUSANNA
Maybe.
SUSANNAH
We dont believe in violence. Just
quality food.
BOB
You dont serve quality food here.
The crowd gasps.
Bob whips out a shining spatula and spins it like a gun.
SUSANNA
You best get out of here before I
shoot. Git!
BOB(to the CROWD)
You want real food? How about one of
my real burgers?
LOUISE pulls out one and takes a big bite.
SUSANNA
You wouldnt know real food if it was
in a salad bowl in front of you!
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 36.
BOB
Oh, yeah?
SUSANNA
Yeah!
LOUISE
Oh, yeah?!
SUSANNAH
Yeah!
BOB
Well, I bet if people tried my
burgers, theyd like em a lot better
than your burgers.
SUSANNA
Oh, yeah?!
LOUISE
Yeah!
SUSANNAH
Oh, yeah?!
TINA
Yeah! *
Everyone stares at Tina. *
TINA (CONTD) *
I mean, never mind. *
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 37.
BOB
I challenge you to a cookoff!
SUSANNA
We accept, Burger Belly!
Her gun misfires. A single white dove flies out of it. It *flies toward the door. It smacks against the glass and falls *to the floor. *
SUSANNA (CONTD) *
Youre free now! *
END OF ACT THREE
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 38.
ACT FOUR
INT. BOBS BURGERS - DAY
LINDA rushes inside. GENE still admires his reflection.
GENE(singing)
All it takes is diet and exercise
to be the size youve dreamed of...
LINDA
Gene! Gene! Wheres your father?
GENE
Thank you for noticing. My waist is
much slimmer.
LINDA
Hey! Wheres your father?
GENE
I dont know. Next door?
LINDA
Eat a burger, sweetie. For Mommy?
INT. THE SALAD SALOON - DAY
BOB and LOUISE set up their cooking station. They glare at the SUSIES, EARTH, and TINA.
LOUISE
You got this, Dad. Just remember
everything I taught you.
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 39.
SUSANNA(to TINA)
OK, Iceberg. You know all your Daddys
weaknesses so youre gonna help us
take him down.
TINA
Uhhhh....
EARTH
Perfect!
TUMBLEWEED GIRL stands before both teams.
TUMBLEWEED GIRL
On your mark, get set, cook!
She rustles away. LINDA enters just as the competition starts.
BOB and LOUISE are cranking out burgers super fast. The SUSIES are a bit behind.
LINDA
Bob! Bob!
BOB
Linda, Im a little busy right now! I *
cant talk. *
LINDA *
I know, Bobby. I just wanted to say
that Im sorry about eating the pizza. *
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 40.
BOB *
What? *
He stops cooking. *
LOUISE *
What are you doing, Dad?!?! *
LINDA *
I thought you knew. *
BOB *
I thought you were meeting a man in *
the alley. *
LINDA *
I did. The pizza man. *
BOB *
I thought you were cheating. *
LINDA *
I was. On our diet. And youre right, *
Bob. I have no right to call you fat *
when I look the way I do. *
BOB *
No, Lin. Im sorry. I love the way you *
look. I just...it hurt my feelings *
when you called me fat. *
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 41.
LOUISE *
DAD! GET YOUR FAT BUTT BACK HERE! *
LINDA *
Bobby, I love your burger belly. *
BOB *
I love your love handles. *
LINDA *
I love-- *
LOUISE *
I LOVE THAT WERE LOSING RIGHT NOW. *
BOB *
All right, Louise! Calm down. *
He goes back to his station. He struggles to catch up with *the Susies. BOB and LOUISE look to TINA for help. The SUSIES *and EARTH glare at her. *
TINA
Sorry, Earth. I thought you were my *
world but, Ive got to follow my *
DREAMS.
TINA runs to her DADs side.
TINA (CONTD)
Decidedly Riveting Expectations And
Matching Success!
She throws together some burgers really quickly. Her Dad catches up.
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 42.
LINDA claps.
LINDA
Bobby! Bobby! Bobby!
CROWD
Bobby! Bobby! Bobby!
The crowd begins to eat the burgers. *
BEAUTIFUL SHOPPER *
I like the Bob burger. *
PREPPY SHOPPER *
No way, murder free all the way. Def. *
SURFER SHOPPER *
I think I like cow meat. I cant *
believe I said that. *
A tally is formed on a board by the counter. Theyre *incredibly close in score. *
Suddenly a cloud begins to waft through the bottom crack of *the basement door at the back of the restaurant. *
Patrons begin to GAG and pinch their noses. *
The door cracks open and CATS emerge slowly. Theyre filthy *and ratlike. Then she emerges: GRANDMA. Shes got green eye *makeup and a ball of yarn dangling from her hair. Two kittens *on either shoulder play with it. *
GRANDMA *
I want to try the burgersssss. *
LOUISE *
Oh, its horrible! *
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 43.
PREPPY SHOPPER *
Ive like...totally lost my appetite. *
BEAUTIFUL SHOPPER *
Same here. Literally. *
SURFER SHOPPER *
Lets never come back here ever. *
PATRONS *
Yeah! *
Everyone rushes out of the restaurant. The cats gnaw at the *leftover burgers. *
INT. BOBS BURGERS
TINA cleans the floors.
TINA
Im sorry I was a traitor.
BOB
Its OK, Tina. You were there when it
mattered.
TINA
Iceberg always is.
BOB
Whats that?
TINA
Nothing.
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 44.
END OF ACT FOUR
BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 45.