University Parking...Again
The hotly debated topic of parking is once again at the forefront of our small community. Thankfully, though, we have a new avenue to explore as, at least this time, it is not students who are clamoring for more and better parking but the faculty and staff. Well, sort of. While it still remains true that there seems to be a wealth of parking spaces available, at least to the students who are not so selfish and lazy as to expect to park right next to the building in which their class meets, this is not exactly the case with our esteemed faculty and staff members. Presently, there are, as noted on the ASU website's interactive map, approximately nineteen (19) parking lots with designations for faculty and staff. Now, this may sound like more than enough given the size of Angelo State, but one must also take into considera‐tion that seven of these lots are on the east side of campus and are only convenient to park in, for a faculty member, if they hold classes on the track, softball field, the dormitories, or in the Junell Center. In addition to this egregious oversight by whomever it is that planned that out, consider this ‐ of the 19 lots with faculty designations, only two (2) are reserved specifically
for faculty and staff, and those two are only readily handy for access to the Administration building and the CHP. The others are shared lots with student designated lots for commuting students. How fair is that? Plus we must also take into account the fact that many students don't pay any attention to parking enforcement as it is, and care nothing of getting a paltry citation for $10 if they park in a faculty space. That is just plain disrespectful to those who are seeking to enlighten and enrich the minds of students. And now, to add to the plight of the faculty who fight daily for parking, and our education, a new idea drummed up by administrators that would cause faculty and staff to pay for a parking pass in what has been deemed "premium parking lots." Now, while this doesn't seem all that harsh to us students, for faculty and staff it is a huge blow. Parking, at present, is free to them ‐ a perk, albeit small and easily overlooked. So, why make them pay to come to work? They do their best to educate students and a huge cost to themselves both financially and
Continued on page 3
By: Samuel Clemens
page
Volume 6, Issue 4 Rabi’l Day
February 27, 2009
Ang
elo State’s Fine
st Pap
er Since Fall 200
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Picture of the week
Mardi Gras
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“You lost my panties!!!” Quote of the Week
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Knowing Knature
Sloth Breeds Disease Sloth breeds disease. Lazy people piss me off. Off is a bug spray that kills bugs which are annoying. Annoying people piss me off as well. Well is a thing you dig to get to water that is under the ground. Ground up beans is what makes coffee. Coffee smells deliciously wonderful. Wonderful people make me happy. Happy is what happens when all your dreams come true. True lies is a movie. Movie magic is what occurs when a film is finished being filmed. Filmed things are recorded through all of history. History is a boring topic to discuss with someone. Someone once told me that it is okay to poop on yourself as long as you either clean it up or eat it within an hour. Hours are demarka‐tions of time. Time is of the essence if you choost to believe it. It was a terrible movie, but a great book. Book‐It was an awesome program back in elementary school, free pizza is the shit. Shit is brown. Brown things are gross. Gross national product, like we have any of that anymore, is supposedly what we produce in this declining country.
Country music SUCKS, it's a fact of life. Life is a hodgepodge of mistakes. Mistakes are the result of careless‐ness and idiocy. Idiocy is the behavioral patterns of people who act like idiots and shirk their responsi‐bility to their friends simply because they feel like they want to do so. So la ti do. Do or do not there is no try is a stupid cliche. Cliches make me angry because they express feelings and ideas about things that no longer hold any relevance whatsoever in the scope of life, liberty and the pursuit of the American dream. Dream of what you want, then make it happen. Happen upon a cracker. Cracker is a term for retarded white people. People are as dumb as they choose to be. Be is a verb. Verbs are not fun because they don't allow you to call people colorful names. Names are things given to people by their parents because it would be a terrible thing if no one had a one. One, singu‐lar sensation, every little poop I take. Take one down, pass it around, now we all have a communicable disease.
It’s amazing to read some of the theories that people come up with on their own. Occasionally, the li‐brary calls upon the physics depart‐ment to assess the validity of a book that someone is trying to publish on their own. Usually it is someone who wants to bypass the peer review of the science community. What ends up happening is that we read quotes from this book at our weekly meetings and laugh about how bad it is. Recently, the claim was that gravity is the result of the rotation of the Earth. The faster the Earth spins, the greater the gravitational attraction is. This is completely wrong, but for the moment let us try to figure out why someone might come to that conclusion. After all, for centuries it
made sense that the Earth was flat and at the center of the universe. Imagine (or try if you are bored enough) that you are twirling a yo‐yo above your head. The faster you twirl the yo‐yo, the more tension there is in the string. To put this simply, the yo‐yo now feels heavier. So can we say that gravity is modeled by our yo‐yo system? No. The yo‐yo is being accelerated while you twirl it around and is trying to escape from its orbit. As long as the string can handle it, the tensional force will increase to keep the yo‐yo in its elliptical path. But when the string breaks, the yo‐yo will fly off in one direction. Did I mention that if you are actually trying this, you shouldn’t do it in a glass house? Sorry about that.
What analogy can we make about the string breaking in our yo‐yo system? Well, we have rockets that leave the Earth, maybe that’s what it’s about. But in the yo‐yo system, our “gravity” increased until it reached a breaking point. In the Earth system, gravity decreases as you get farther from the center of the Earth. This makes space trips much easier and more controlled than a sudden breaking of a gravitational string. This brings up a point about Occom’s Razor. You might be familiar with this from the movie Contact starring Jodie Foster. “All things being equal, the simplest explanation tends to be the right one.” The yo‐yo system of gravity is simpler than Newtonian gravity,
which in turn is simpler than general relativity, which is again simpler than chiral gravity. However, all of these theories pale in comparison to the simplicity of the gremlin theory of gravity: Earth sends invisible gremlins to keep you anchored to the ground. Should we abandon our other theories about gravity for this simplest of explanations? Don’t say ‘yes’ you fools. By the way, the guy that is trying to publish this book is all over Wikipedia trying to fit similar theories in as alternatives to what has already been peer‐reviewed for centuries. Frankly, I won’t sit idly by while this kind of disinformation is proliferating an otherwise comfort‐ing nexus of knowledge.
By: Albert Einstein
3
time‐wise, is it necessary or fair to treat them as another member of the herd of cattle being pushed through the
gates of our university? The most outrageous thing, besides the obvious punitive implications, is that this would really do nothing to alleviate the parking epidemic. Teachers paying for parking only means that they now have to dole out money to lose a parking space to a thoughtless and carefree student rather than the present free inconvenience. Instead of this asinine plan to force our professors to pay for coming to work, why don't we, the student body, put together a petition to stop this injustice. The system works as long as you have connections and a strong will, and maybe a bankroll that rivals the national debt. Personally, I would hate to think that plan would come to fruition because I know that in the worst case scenario that would soon follow, we, the students, would be losing some of our best and most beloved professors. More on this, and maybe some beastiality, next week. ‐‐Samuel Clemens
Continued from cover
Parking
The telephone company was rep lac ing above ‐g round telephone lines with buried lines. In one sparsely populated farming area, if lines crossed a country road they would dig a trench halfway across, so rural traffic could continue through. Then they would fill in the trench, and dig a trench on the other side.
One morning, local farmers called the sheriff to report a smashed‐up pickup. Inside were two ranch hands who were last seen the previous night, heading home after last call. You see...
On their way to the bars, the men had decided to play a prank. They stopped their pickup, and moved the flashing
warning signs from the trenched side to the good side of the country road. Crime scene analysis later confirmed that they were the culprits who moved the flashing stands. Investigations also revealed that at the time of the accident, they were driving at an excessive speed with an impressive amount of alcohol in their systems.
No crime scene analysis is capable of determining whether the ranch hands forgot their prank, or chose to see what would happen if they hit that trench at a high rate of speed in the middle of the night.
No good prank goes unpunished.
Darwin Awards
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about ASU, what you hate about ASU and what you think needs to be changed around here. We are here for YOU!
If you have a comment, complaint, concern, or question, don’t hesitate to contact us. Via email [email protected], via phone (325) 942‐2063, via our suggestion box in the
UC, in our office UC 133 or even come attend our meetings at 6 PM on Monday nights.
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Pragmatic Patsy
Dear Pragmatic Patsy, I have this problem…My BF wears a thong all the time. He says it feels invigorating and that it also makes him feel protected at the same time. I just find it really hard to “get in the mood.” Not only does he prefer thongs he also prefers lace…he says its light and doesn’t bunch as much. How do I get him to wear normal big boy underwear? Sincerely, Granny Panty Lover Dear GPL, Dump him. What the heck. This is serious business… your boy has an unhealthy fetish and it needs to stop. If that doesn’t get his attention nothing will. Dealing with this is not worth having a boyfriend. He probably has other issues too that will come up later so it is best to e n d i t n o w . “Invigorating”???? Tenderly, Pragmatic Patsy Dear Pragmatic Patsy, I’ve been blacking out a lot lately… Anemic Alex
Dear Anemic Alex, Perhaps…a result of… not enough red meat? Your letter was vague. Maybe you blacked out in the middle. I think though, based on all the information I have, it is a result of too much alcohol consumption. You should definitely drink less. First, start not drinking as many nights a week, then cut back on the actual quantities you consume. Obviously those Vegas Bombs and Jaeger are taking a toll. These really may impair your ability to do accounting. Although, that may not be your major. I assumed it was because you are anemic and your name is Alex you’d make it a triple threat and go with Accounting. But you might be Criminal Justice major, perhaps Finance or even Communications. Anyway, regardless of your major, you need to get checked out by a doctor, even though my advice should be sufficient. Your doctor will probably only confirm my insanely astute sentiments. Tenderly, Pragmatic Patsy
Top Ten
10. watch a movie 9. sleep 8. drugs 7. drink tea 6. make things with
ties 5. watch cartoons 4. read a book 3. drink Powerade,
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2. don’t start your period 1. puke
Things to do when you’re sick
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My mom is my hero because she isn't afraid to take responsibility for
passing gas ‐Danielle Parker
Frank Sinatra because...
Through it all, when there was doubt, he ate it up and spit it out.
he faced it all and he stood tall; And did it his way.
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Charlie Howery ‐ he brings me ice cream
to work :) ‐Laura Hertzler
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Ramdiculous Observances Saturday - Open That Bottle Night (no,
not that one..THAT one) Sunday - Beer Day (the greatest day
ever) Monday - Fun Facts About Names Day
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FRIDAY THE 13TH 12:50pm 3:20pm 5:45pm
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SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE 1:55pm 4:55pm 7:55pm
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STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN‐LI
12:10pm 2:35pm 5:05pm 7:30pm 10:00pm
TYLER PERRY’S MEDEA
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11:00pm
Movie Times
Movie Review
Hello ASU Campus. Last Friday of February is already here, which means only two more weeks until Spring Break! Not much here so let us dive right into our movie review for the week. This week’s film is Taken. Now it is a little old, having come out into theaters late last month but it won the vote count sent in by our readers. Taken is about an ex-CIA official, (p layed by Liam Neeson), who knows the
troubles and problems of the world. He reluctantly gives in and allows his 17 year old daughter to go to Paris, France for
the holidays. U p o n h e r arrival she gets kidnapped and B r y a n ( N e e s o n ) travels to Paris and starts to t r a c k h e r down. This is a
very intense high-packed action film. Great martial arts and fighting scenes but there is plot. All and all, I give it 4 and a half Logan Steaks out of 5.
Taken