ZaCh LaMbErTy’S A eXaM :)!

R. Zach Lamberty1

1LASSP, Cornell University, Ithaca, New York, 14851

(Dated: September 27, 2012)

Abstract

I... um... I don’t think I understood what I was supposed to do.

I just answered three questions. Was I supposed to get them from some one else??? Shivam said

he did, and he’s really really good at ∇ school... Hm. Oh well.

I answered three questions and I wrote about them in a paper and that is this.

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Not just any exam, A exam. R. Zach Lamberty

I. EINSTEIN WAS WRONG

As the general science reported last year at CERN in Europe, Neutrinos are moving at

speeds faster than light speed

c (1)

There are many articles which show this: Einstein was wrong. Even some of them were

published in journals too so it is definitely science like all the other science.

There are also many sites on the internet which discuss reasons Einstein was wrong. This

is a brief survey of the literature on the subject

1. More Proof that Einsteins Velocity Composition Law is WRONG, Joseph A. Rybczyk

2. A list of articles that are all really good.

3. A documentary about how Einstein is WRONG!!!! and a grandma has fun too.

4. The Trailer for that movie. Pay attention to the young woman at about 2:15 as she

realizes how WRONG she is.

5. A video from an interview between world renowned polymath Glenn Beck and a 12

year old boy who is going to prove Einstein WRONG (too).

6. A book review written by the (impartial) author of the book about how Einstein is

WRONG.

7. A convincing set of arguments about how time dilation is not possible in real wrolds.

8. A page dedicated to the enticing revival of aether theory(!)

9. A page dedicated to a book by a former participant in the CLEO project here at

Cornell so he is legit about how space and time are in our heads and not outside of

them (probably not true but maybe????)

To add to this body of work I would like to submit the following argument and then an

experimental evidence.

The argument is so simple I cannot believe it has not been made before but you will see

that it is 100% true and you will agree with me that relativity is definitely not 100% true

and is actually instead 100% WRONG.

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Not just any exam, A exam. R. Zach Lamberty

FIG. 1. Here I am moving a spoon. According to Einstein things moving fast should contract but

I was moving this spoon really really fast and you can see from the picture that it didn’t contract

at all. It also looks the same length afterwards as it did before and it still works fine as a spoon.

It did not contract and this is normal not what Einstein says and therefore Einstein is WRONG.

c is supposed to be the largest speed that a thing can be but c is only

c = 299792458m/s (2)

But come on!!!! There is another speed

c = c + 1 = 299792459m/s (3)

and that speed is larger! There are a lot of speeds which are larger than c QED.

I also decide to do a experiment. The results are figures 1 and 2.

There are many reasons not to believe in relativity and Einstein but the best is that moral

relativity has been very bad for the world and it should be resisted at all costs. Scientists

should stop being on Einstein’s side because he is wrong and because relativity is bad and

causes people to do bad things.

I would like to thank John Mergo for useful discussions on this topic, as well as the

internet (whcih is next!).

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Not just any exam, A exam. R. Zach Lamberty

FIG. 2. Here I repeated the other experiment but with a bigger object in case it only worked for

bigger objects but again it DOESN’T.

II. ON THE SYMBIOTIC RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN CATS AND THE INTER-

NET: IN SITU, AB INITIO, EXCELSIORUS REX!

The internet loves cats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here (3, 4) are some of the best pictures of cats that there are. YOU CAN HAZ!

The internet can be found as follows:

• Computer

• Google

• Internet

And then you can haz cats too LOL

III. THE APPLICATION OF ZENO’S PARADOX TO GRADUATE EDUCATION

Zeno’s paradox is traditionally stated:

In a race, the quickest runner can never overtake the slowest, since the pursuer

must first reach the point whence the pursued started, so that the slower must

always hold a lead.

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Not just any exam, A exam. R. Zach Lamberty

FIG. 3. CATption 1

I would like to discuss the application of this particular paradox to two separate (but related)

aspects of the tenure of a standard graduate school student, and also a proposed resolution

to this paradox in our particular instance.

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Not just any exam, A exam. R. Zach Lamberty

FIG. 4. CATption 2

First, it will be noted that the traditional form of the paradox is immediately applicable

to the life of a graduate student: a graduate student can seemingly never graduate, because

by the time they complete the work their advisor has asked of them their advisor has already

discovered half as much work that must be added on to the paper, and before they can finish

that the advisor will have discovered half as much work as that to add on, ad infinitum.

An equivalent argument, more indicative of the eternal stagnation of a graduate student, is

that before a graduate student can take their B they must have taken their A, and before

they have taken their A they must have taken their Q, and before they had taken their Q

they really should have taken 510, and before they have taken 510 they must have taken a

quantum course, and so on. There are an infinite number of tasks required to get even half

way to any point; the full traversal is rendered impossible.

Another difficult aspect of graduate school is that the work density as a function of time

is exponential. The amount of work expected of a graduate student in the second half of

their graduate program is twice that of the first half, and the expected amount of work for

the fourth quarter is double that of the third, and so on. It is clear that the amount of work

expected grows uncontrollably as the graduate’s time in the program nears completion.

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Not just any exam, A exam. R. Zach Lamberty

There is, fortunately, one resolution to this paradox. If the amount of time a graduate

student puts in per day is halved every day, the amount of work expected of him or her is

correspondingly halved from its previously doubled amount, leaving a constant workload per

day. Upon renormalization, this seemingly irrelevant term leads to a logarithmic divergence,

resulting in a long-time limit of full tenured professorship.

IV. CONCLUSIONS

I would like my masters degree now please.

V. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I must only thank the PGS for putting on Coffee Hour, as it is the only thing which has

every helped me.

[1] D. J. Sobol, Encyclopedia Brown, Boy Detective, Puffin, London (2007).

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