Denise GelleneDirector, Science CommunicationUCLA CTSI

Writing with Clarity

Sources of “Obfuscation”

VerbiageRedundancyPoor syntaxUnnecessary complexityExcessive abstractionExcessive compressionUnnecessary qualification

Rules that aren’t rules

By DOUGLAS MARTIN

David Mellinkoff, a lawyer, professor and writer who waged fierce and clever battle against lawyerly language, ''contagious verbosity'' in his phrase, died in Los Angeles on Dec. 31. He was 85.

Mr. Mellinkoff waged his war in books, articles and lectures, attacking what he called ''the junk antiques'' of the legal vocabulary, those streams of ''forthwiths,'' ''heretofores'' and ''whereases'' that tumble endlessly through lawyers' writings. Sometimes called the dean of legal writing specialists, he began his campaign for clarity and brevity with his 1963 book, still his most influential, “Language of the Law'' (Aspen Publishers).

David Mellinkoff, 85, Enemy of LegaleseJanuary 16, 2000

Graduate Writing Center• Voice

–Active or Passive

• Person –First, second, third–Singular and plural

• Organization

“There is no such thing as good writing, only good rewriting.”

-- Justice Louis Brandeis

Verbiage

Due to the fact

In the event

Despite the fact

In order to

At the present moment

Using a phrase when a word will do

Alternatives

Due to the fact Because

In the event If

Despite the fact Although, Even though

In order to To

At the present moment Now

ExamplesWe are in a position to make you a firm offer.We can make you a firm offer.

Regardless of the fact that the results were checked, errors crept into the findings.Even though the results were checked, errors crept into the findings.

Noun + Noun + NounString of consecutive nouns

SentenceEarly childhood thought disorder misdiagnosis often occurs as a result of unfamiliarity with recent research literature describing such conditions.

Solution: Unpack by writing the noun phrase in reverse order

RevisionEarly childhood thought disorder misdiagnosis often occurs as a result of unfamiliarity with recent research literature describing such conditions.

UnpackMisdiagnosis disorder thought childhood earlyLiterature research recent

RewritePhysicians are misdiagnosing disordered thought in young children because they are unfamiliar with recent research.

Unpacking a Noun PhrasePancreatic gland phenomena are regulated chiefly by the parasympathetic nervous system cells.

UnpackPhenomena gland pancreaticCells system nervous parasympathetic

RewritePhenomena involving the pancreatic gland are regulated chiefly by cells in the parasympathetic nervous system.

RedundancyRedundant pairs

-- full and complete-- interest and concern

Redundant modifiers-- future plans-- end result

Redundant categories-- time, color, taste, shape, state, quality,

Examples of Redundancy Examples

Redundant ModifiersPast history tells us we cannot anticipate ahead those great events that will completely revolutionize our society.History tells us we cannot anticipate those great events that will revolutionize our society.

Redundant CategoriesDuring that period of time, the mucus membrane area became pink in color and shiny of appearance.During that time, the mucus membrane became pink and shiny.

Poor Syntax: Antecedent ProblemAmbiguous

My sandwich was in my lunchbox, but now it’s gone.

Solution: replace the pronoun with the noun.

ClearMy sandwich was in my lunchbox, but now my sandwich is gone.

Poor Syntax: Antecedent ProblemAmbiguous

The lab has samples from 20 women frozen in a tank.

Solution: Write two sentences.

ClearThe lab has samples from 20 women. The samples are frozen in a tank.

Unnecessary Complexity Using excessively formal language when

common words will doEndeavor Try

Utilization Use

Initiate Begin

Cognizant of Aware of

Ascertain Find out

Implement Start, Begin, Carry out

Facilitate Help

Prior to Before

In lieu of Instead of

Excessive Abstraction

Petroleum exigenciesIncumbent upon us allMaximal utilization ofTelephonic communicationIn lieuPersonal visitation

Because of petroleum exigencies, it is incumbent upon us all to endeavor to make maximal utilization of telephonic communication in lieu of personal visitation.

Excessive AbstractionBecause of petroleum exigencies, it is incumbent upon us all to endeavor to make maximal utilization of telephonic communication in lieu of personal visitation.

Because of gas shortages, we should use the telephone as much as we can instead of making personal visits.

Excessive CompressionWords or ideas are missing

Corticosteroids, antimalarial drugs and other agents may impede degranulation, because of their ability to prevent granule membranes from rupturing, to inhibit ingestion or to interfere with the degranulation mechanism per se

The statement is so general that it could refer to any drug (other agents) and any possible means (interfere with the degranulation mechanism per se)

Solution: Be specific

NEJM

Unnecessary QualificationHedging Leave room for backpedaling but

often are meaningless modifiersVirtually Possibly UsuallyOften Sometimes AlmostApparently Seemingly TendTry Attempt SeekHope In some ways In some respectsTo a certain extent For the most part Perhaps

Seem May, Might Can, CouldFor all intents and purposes

In my opinion at least

Extent

Unnecessary QualificationEmphatics Sound confident, but used to excess

can sound arrogant or defensiveIt’s clear that The fact is LiterallyClearly Obviously UndoubtedlyCertainly Of course IndeedInevitably Very InvariablyAlways Key CentralCrucial Generally agreed

uponAs we can plainly see

It’s quite true that Principal EssentialIntegral Fundamental Major

ClarityIt is now available commercially and although its sole indication will be in hypertensive emergencies by no means will or should such a valuable agent be restricted to such use.

By no means – emphaticWill or should – redundancy and syntaxSuch – repetition Verbiage

Although approved only for hypertensive emergencies, the drug will be used to treat other cardiac conditions.

ClarityIn addition, it was regarded as a poison whose action, before 1929, was regarded as being similar to sodium cyanide.In addition, it was regarded as a poison whose action, before 1929, as being similar to sodium cyanide.It was regarded as a poison before 1929 similar to sodium cyanide.Before 1929, it was believed to be a poison similar to sodium cyanide.Before 1929, the heart drug was believed to be a poison similar to sodium cyanide.

Literary ObfuscationThe reptilian lizard came closer to Tina. She kept her body still, not wanting to frighten the tiny, little animal. She was awed and amazed that she would come so close, but she remembered this was a national park. Of course, all the animals in the park would be cognizant of the fact that they are protected. The lizard was probably domesticated. Maybe it even expected her to give it some food and sustenance. Tina extended her hand, palm open, to show that she had no food in her hand.

Literary ObfuscationThe reptilian lizard came closer to Tina. She kept her body still, not wanting to frighten the tiny, little animal. She was awed and amazed that she it would come so close, but she remembered this was a national park. Of course, All the animals in the park would be cognizant of the fact know that they are protected. The lizard was probably domesticated tame. Maybe it even expected her to give it some food. and sustenance. Tina extended her hand, palm open, to show that she had no food. in her hand.

Reptilian – redundantTiny, little – redundantAwed and amazed – redundantShe – ambiguousOf course – unnecessary qualificationCognizant of the fact – unnecessary complexityDomesticated – wrong wordFood and sustenance – redundantIn her hand – repetition

Rules that Aren’t Rules• Don’t begin sentences with but or and

– You can• Use between with two, and among with three or

more– Among means three or more, but between can

also be used this way• Never begin a sentence with because

– You can• Use fewer with nouns you can count, less with

quantitates you cannot– Fewer is restricted to countable nouns, but less

also can be used that way

“To understand why anyone—including ourselves—writes badly, we have to be able to look at a sentence and understand how it works, how the ideas have been distributed through its different parts, and then decide how to write it better.

-- Joseph M. Williams Style: Ten Lessons in Clarity and Grace

For Your Bookshelf• “Eats, Shoots & Leaves” by Lynne Truss

– Punctuation

• “On Writing Well” by William Zinsser– General writing advice

• “Elements of Style” by William Strunk and E.B. White– Grammar and usage

• “10 Lessons in Clarity and Grace” by Joseph Williams – Sentence construction

• Chicago Manual of Style– Authoritative technical guide

• Purdue Owl– Online grammar, punctuation and usage guide

References

Williams, J.M. Style: Ten Lessons in Clarity and Grace. Glenview, Ill.: Scott, Foresman and Co., 1981

Crichton, M. Jurassic Park. New York: Alfred P. Knopf, 1990

Crichton, M. 1975. Medical Obfuscation: Structure and Function. New England Journal of Medicine 293:1257-1259