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WINNING AT WORK
A TWO DAY
WORKSHOP
WRITTEN BY ROBERT A. DEY
Robert A. Dey, LLC 109 Autumn Lane
Montague, NJ 07827 973-293-3093
PRESENTED BY TIMOTHY J. DEY, M.D.
The Dey Group, Inc. 948 Kings Hwy.
Lincoln Park, MI 48146 313-383-0582
Original Copyright 1990
Latest Revision: 2006
None of the material contained herein may be reproduced without the express permission of the author.
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Winning at Work
Enhancing team effectiveness -
A two day seminar for organizational influencers
DISC – a Model for Understanding the Behavioral Styles of Self and Others
Understanding the Nature of the Age and its Impact upon Leadership
The Diamond of Influencing: Elements of Leadership which Invite Commitment.
The Cost/Risk/Benefit Theory of Motivation and Relationships and Creating
Team Synergy
Selecting the Right Problem Solving Process to Assure Team Success
The Art of Coaching One Another in a Team Setting
Asserting: Sharing Your Point of View Attractively
Deepening Understandings Alternatives to Defensiveness Dealing with Anger and Other Difficult Emotions
Tackling Complex Team Challenges Collaboratively "When the going gets tough, the tough get structured."
Team Members as Facilitators
Values and Values Collisions: Delicacy, Tact, and Wisdom
Wrap-up and Feedback
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LEARNING OBJECTIVES 1. To gain discernment about which of the communication skills and problem solving models to use in any given managerial situation.
a. Understanding the concept of problem ownership b. Gaining sophistication in the timing of verbal responses
2. To understand and gain a facility for the use of skills which communicate a clear grasp of someone else's point of view.
a. The use of verbal and non-verbal passive listening b. Understanding "detached empathy" c. Developing the skill of "Active Listening" d. When to and when not to actively listen e. Moving from listening to problem solving without taking "the monkey on
your own back." f. How to conduct yourself in the face of another's anger.
3. To develop and refine a non-blameful approach to giving advice and confronting.
a. Understanding the difference between passive, assertive, and aggressive managerial behaviors.
b. Understanding and practicing "I-language" c. Understanding and practicing "I-messages" d. Mastering the flow between listening and consulting or confronting. e. "On the run" problem solving: empathy and clarity with efficiency and
effectiveness
4. To gain an understanding of successful conflict resolution when issues move from collaboration to resentment and resistance.
a. The dynamics created by the use of unilateral decision-making b. The dynamics created by a permissive approach to conflict c. The greater the chance for disaster, the greater the need for structure and
refined skills: a structured approach to group problem solving d. Sorting out needs from values
5. Optional concepts if time and energy permit: a. The incredible human need for recognition b. Varied reactive styles enhance a group's effectiveness c. Influencing that invites commitment d. Alternative approaches to communication when under pressure
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Introduction to
Winning at Work
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"AGES" OF THE 20TH CENTURY
& 21ST CENTURY
IMPACTING THE NATURE
OF LEADERSHIP IN THE
WORKPLACE
INDUSTRIAL (1880's to 1980’s)
INFORMATIONAL (1970’s to the present)
INTERRELATIONAL
(1980’s to the present)
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Traditional Consultative
Participative Council of Equals
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THE ELEMENTS OF LEADERSHIP
WHICH INVITE COMMITMENT
RELATIONSHIPS
SENSITIVITY TO
NEEDS
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A TEAM IS SUCCESSFUL
WHEN:
• RELATIONSHIPS ARE STRONG
• TECHNICAL, INTERPERSONAL, AND CONCEPTUAL SKILLS ARE PRESENT OR
AVAILABLE
• THERE IS A CLEAR RESPONSIVENESS TO
INDIVIDUAL, TEAM, AND
ORGANIZATIONAL NEEDS, WANTS,
ASPIRATIONS, AND VALUES
• THERE IS A SHARED VISION AND A SET
OF WORKABLE STRATEGIES FOR
OBTAINING THAT VISION
OTHERWISE
CONFUSION, RESTLESSNESS, MIXED AGENDAS,
AND POLITICS WITH FILL THE VOID.
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THE COST - BENEFIT
THEORY OF RELATIONSHIPS
A PERSON WILL CONTINUE TO WILLINGLY INVEST ENERGY IN A RELATIONSHIP SO LONG AS HE/SHE PERCEIVES THAT THE BENEFIT GAINED IS WORTH THE PRICE HE/SHE PERCEIVES HE/SHE MUST PAY
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THE COST - BENEFIT THEORY OF RELATIONSHIPS
TO FIND A WIN- IDEALLY, IT IS DESIRABLE WIN RESOLUTION
FAIRNESS OF THE COST PAID FOR THE BENEFIT GAINED IS DETERMINED BY AN INDIVIDUAL ON THE BASIS OF
NEEDS ** WANTS ** ASPIRATIONS ** VALUES
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The Helping Skills
The Skill and Art of
Listening and Assisting
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A Sampling of My Typical Helping Responses
1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
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The Cycle of Decision Making
(Brain Theory)
THINKING EXPLORING OPTIONS
DECISION
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CREATING SYNERGY
SYNERGY: Combined action or accomplishment; interaction in which the total result is greater than the sum of the individual results.
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SYNERGY BLOCKS
Despite our best inclinations to sincerely assist others when they appear troubled or when they ask us for help, all kinds of past habit patterns and automatic reactions pop into our heads and come out of our mouths which may not be as helpful as we intended. Unless we have been tutored otherwise, unfortunately, many of our first "attempts" at helping hold the potential for pushing the other away rather than displaying empathy and helpfulness. We call such responses SYNERGY BLOCKS.
SYNERGY BLOCKS do just what the name implies. Rather than facilitating a synergistic problem-solving session, they tend to block synergy and force the other into his or her own version of the coping mechanisms: fight, flee, or submit. When the other is "on the high end of the see-saw," the following approaches to assisting need to be avoided or used only with considered caution:
1. TAKING CONTROL OF THE CONVERSATION OR SITUATION BY:
—ordering, directing, commanding, warning, threatening, arguing.
2. LAUNCHING INTO "TAKE MY ADVICE" BY:
—lecturing, preaching, persuading with impeccable logic, interpreting, assessing and analyzing, expounding, teaching, making suggestions, telling your story.
3. ENGAGING IN OBVIOUS PUT-DOWNS BY:
—judging, criticizing, disagreeing, blaming, shaming, laughing derisively, ridiculing, registering shock and dismay.
4. AVOIDANCE OR ESCAPE BY:
—non-attention, distracting behaviors or activity, answering the telephone, making light of the matter, distracting humor, literally changing the topic.
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SYNERGY BLOCKS CONTINUED...
While the first four categories are pretty easy to spot, the last two categories are much more subtle. "They tend to be gentle and friendly and, thus, seem to be okay to use, but they have their pitfalls.
5. RESCUING THE OTHER BY:
—reassuring that everything will be okay; joining them in the same emotion, agreeing with them: "Yes, you are right!"; consoling, or even more strongly, praising in order to make them feel better, attempting to take the hurt away.
There may be a time to use these techniques, but certainly not at the beginning of the problem-solving session.
6. CLOSED QUESTIONS:
—probing, interrogating, asking for detailed information, asking questions which direct and shape the response of the other, to satisfy your curiosity.
This is a style which has been deeply drilled into the members of the business community. It is one that certainly works in the analysis of technical or academic issues, in driving to the "bottom line," but can be ineffectual, distracting, and annoying in issues involving human emotions.
After a frustrating issue has been discussed for a time and one is now looking for options, then one or two closed questions may be helpful.
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THE ASSISTING CHARACTERISTICS
COMPASSION • ACCEPTANCE • SINCERITY • EMPATHY
THE ASSISTING SKILLS
LOW RISK OF BLOCKING SYNERGY
P-L * PASSIVE LISTENING A nonverbal display of openness and interest Door openers: soft, open-ended invitations to say more Attentive silence Noncommittal acknowledgements: grunts and exclamations
A- L * ACT I VE L I ST ENI NG Parroting Paraphrasing Emotion Identification Logical Sequence Simile Summarizing
E-O* EXAMINING OPTIONS Eliciting from the other what he/she sees to be his/her options, possibilities, resources, or actions for regaining equilibrium
G - A * GIVING ADVISE OR CONSULTING After receiving consent, you may wish to offer some suggestions or guidance or a bit of your experience in a brief manner. Here it is important to speak in "I Language." - i.e.: "From my point of view ..." or "As I see it..."
HIGH RISK OF BLOCKING SYNERGY
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PASSIVE LISTENING: DOOR OPENERS
When the opportunity arises to assist someone who is reaching out for listening and guidance, a fine way to help get started is to use a DOOR OPENER. These phrases indicate to the other that you are ready and willing to be of assistance in an empathic
DOOR OPENERS are open-ended questions or statements which invite the other to speak, if they wish, about whatever it is that is on their mind. Open-ended means that your question or invitation is not demanding specific information; rather, it gives the sender full control of the direction of the conversation. DOOR OPENERS have an inviting quality about them.
EXAMPLES:
What's up?
What's going on?
Sit down, let's talk.
What's on your mind?
...you were saying...
Yesterday you mentioned that you were concerned...
How's it going?
Care to talk about it? Y ou look disgruntled...
Can I help? Say more.
…because... (...may be spoken gently when the speaker has not given
their reason for their assertion or concern.)
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UNDERSTANDING THE ACTIVE LISTENING RESPONSE
SENDER
/ SAFETY /
/ /
FILTER
PERCEPTION
FILTER
LISTENER
ELEMENTS:
LEAD - IN
EMOTION
REASONING
/
ACTIVE LISTENING
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SIX TYPES OF ACTIVE LISTENING
SENDER
/ SAFETY /
FILTER
PERCEPTION.
FILTER
LISTENER
ACTIVE LISTENING
PARROTING
PARAPHRASING
EMOTION IDENTIFICATION
LOGICAL SEQUENCE
THE SIMILE
SUMMARY STATEMENT
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LEAD-INs TO ACTIVE LISTENING <B
LEAD-INs are helpful words or phrases you can use to begin an active listening response. Lead-ins serve the purpose of helping you focus upon the other's message rather than upon your reaction to their message. They precede your statement of the emotion you are observing and/or a paraphrase of the person's thoughts. It may be especially helpful to you to choose one or two pet lead-ins to use if you are first learning the active listening skill. Be aware, however, that to repeat a particular lead-in several times in succession will cause your listening to sound mechanical.
Here are some samples; you may wish to add a few of your own favorites. The words in bold type face are the lead-ins, the other words are typical vocabulary
which may follow the lead-in.
If I'm understanding you correctly, you're saying that.... It sounds like you're...(frustrated, confused, concerned, etc.)
It's your opinion that... It's...(upsetting, confusing) because... It...(hurts)
It seems to you that... So you believe that... So from your point of view... So you're...(puzzled) because... So she/he told you that... Let me see if I'm getting what it is that you are saving... You think that... You feel that... You believe that... You're...(aggravated)
The lead-in is a gentle yet firm way to begin your demonstration of understanding the other's message.
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Words Defining Emotions or Feelings
To assist you in the development of ready access to helpful vocabulary:
The two basic emotions: Comfortable and Uncomfortable For a quick scan of how the other feels: Mad, Sad, Glad, or Scared
' A List of Words Denoting Stress or Tension
abandoned afraid agitated aggravated angry alone
annoyed apart at-a-loss amazed bad bothered bored burdened callous caged caught cornered confused
controlled disinterested dejected disgusted disappointed discouraged depressed distressed defeated disturbed envious embarrassed emotional exhausted failure frantic fidgety fearful frightened frustrated furious fuming fussy grief guilt hostile horrified hate holding back hurt hysterical inferior immobilized impetuous immoral insecure imposed-upon irritated inadequate indifferent in-the-way ill-at-ease jealous left-out let-down lonely lukewarm melancholic morose manipulated mixed-up mortified naughty negative numb overworked out-of-control pessimistic passive placated picked-on paralyzed painful pressured put-down pestered
perturbed rejected restrained resentment restless resigned repelled repulsed repugnant sensitive scared shaken stubborn shocked stunned sad seething shamed susceptible stifled submissive subversive subdued tormented tortured threatened terrified tired tolerant trapped troubled unhappy uncared-for unloved upset uneasy unconcerned unworthy unwanted unfaired-against vulnerable weak worried weary worthless wild
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A List of Words Denoting Comfort or Satisfaction
accepting admiring adequate amused attractive amazed at-peace alive attentive affectionate animated appreciated astonished beautiful bewitched bubbly buoyant calm cared-for childlike confident cheerful contented
composed comfortable cordial competent capable cozy curious captivated creative delighted desirable deserving delirious expressive eager enthusiastic empathetic elated enriched effervescent excited ecstatic encouraged enjoyed enlightened enamored enchanted energetic entranced euphoric feminine friendly flabbergasted free fulfilled fortunate fascinated gracious generous glamorous giddy grateful gregarious happy hospitable healthy handsome hopeful impressed important intoxicated intelligent inspired invigorated interested included joyful jubilant lively lovely loved lucky looked-up-to masculine masterful needed overjoyed overpowered outgoing optimistic pensive purposeful peaceful productive passionate . positive pleased prosperous patient proud poised powerful protective perceptive quiet rich romantic receptive refreshed respected revitalized responsive satisfied seductive sincere serene safe sentimental secure sociable stimulated sensitive successful surprised spiritual sympathetic supported talented trusted thankful thoughtful trusting thrilled tranquil transported tender triumphant tactful uplifted understood vibrant victorious virile worthy warmed wanted wild wonderful wowed
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ACTIVE LISTENING PRACTICE FOCUSING UPON FEELINGS: In groups of three, sitting close enough together to hear each other well, take turns reading aloud the following statements made by people who are on the “high end of the see-saw.” After each reading, the group is to brainstorm words which might adequately describe the emotion the sender may be experiencing. Attempt to select at least three possible emotions for each statement. 1. “It seems that whenever I goof, my boss is right there to see it. When things are going well, he is almost never around.” 2. “I really dread making this next telephone call. The last time I talked to him, he did nothing but bad-mouth our company. He just goes on and on.” 3. “Can you help me? I don’t know what to do with this salesman who works for me. He
has the messiest desk and office that I have ever seen. When clients or visitors walk by, they do a double-take. I’ve asked him to clean it up several times, but that only lasts for a few days.”
4. “Just once, just once, I’d like to see her get a report in on time!” 5. “You know, you are probably one of the finest bosses I have ever had. This person I
work for now is just a little to the right of Attila the Hun. I feel like saluting him every time he walks by.”
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6. “Every afternoon about 1:30, this group of four or five guys gather at the end of the hall
that divides our work stations and has a party. They laugh loudly, use vulgar language, and just make a general nuisance of themselves. They are so loud that I can’t get a thing done.”
7. “I think too many people around here bad-mouth any new idea that management puts
forth. Sure, some of them seem ‘way out’ to me too, but to berate everything just because that’s the thing to do doesn’t give a chance to the ideas that do make sense.”
8. “We’ve been working nearly 60 hours a week for almost two months now and, quite
frankly, I don’t think I can handle it one more day!” 9. “Why should I continue to knock myself out working so hard around here? It never
results in an increase in pay. Others do half the work I do and get away with it, and get paid the same as I.”
10. “You know, several of the other companies in our business have been laying of employees. Do you think it will hit us as well? I sure hate to think of having to hit the pavement looking for another job. I like this place a lot. Leaving would be tough.”
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A Brief Active Listening Exercise: Focusing Upon Feelings
In groups of three or four, take turns reading aloud, with inflection, the following statements by a person who is upset by some circumstance. Following each reading, the group members are to brainstorm words that may adequately describe the emotion (feeling) the sender is experiencing. Find at least three possible words for each example.
1. Some of these damn safety requirements are useless. I don't know who in the hell thinks you can get a job done if you follow every darn one.
2. One of the problems that I'm having with this new system of team and group is that as a team leader I hardly ever see my group leader. He/She shows up every other day and disappears for the rest of the time. We need more communication with him/her than that, even if it's just to know that we're doing things the right way, or to answer a few questions. 3. I really hate having to talk to Hal about anything. No matter what I say he ignores it and goes off on the same list of complaints that he has had for the last ten years.
4. You know, Pete is a darn good worker, one of the best, but he regularly ignores his own safety by bypassing safety rules to get something done faster. He is really going to mangle one of his arms or something. What in the heck can I say and not tick him off?
5. Help me on this one. Janice is one of my team leaders, but I'm really having trouble getting her to deal with the tougher men on the job. They just laugh at her or ignore her. She went through the training, she has incredible potential, but she has to get tougher.
6. John has really improved the quality of his work lately. He appears to be very concerned about the safety regs as well. I wonder what in the dickens happened to change him?
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KEY TO ACTIVE LISTENING PRACTICE
The following examples are guidelines for understanding; other expressions may be equally valid.
1. Frustrated, embarrassed, annoyed, aggravated, chagrinned, scared, concerned •s t
2. Anxious, apprehensive, fearful, hesitant
3. Angry, exasperated, peeved, ticked-off
4. Mad, frustrated, disappointed, dismayed, let down
5. Appreciative, and also sad, restricted, tense, boxed-in, disgusted
6. Distracted, annoyed, irritated, angry
7. Resentful; it's unfair, it's demoralizing, it's wrong; depressing _.
8 . Tired, exhausted, wiped out, drained, fatigued, overtaxed, worn out
9. Cheated, bitter, displeased, resentful, piqued
10. Worried, sad, apprehensive, anxious, troubled
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ACTIVE LISTENING PRACTICE
The following practices may be utilized to sharpen your active listening skills.
THE CUP EXERCISE: Form groups of four. Arrange your chairs in a circle without a table to separate you. One person holds an empty cup. The person with the cup expresses some feelings and thoughts about a subject which is important to him or her. The topics may be work related but do not have to be limited to that. Restrict the expression to a short paragraph, including enough information for the others to be able to pick up your emotional investment in the issue as well as some of the reasons that you feel that way.
One of the group members may volunteer to "active listen" to the message using a lead-in, an emotion word, and the reason the sender feels that way. Avoid using any of the synergy blocks, such as questioning or making your own comment on the same topic.
If the sender of the message feels that the listener has adequately captured the essence of their intent, they may respond with, "Yes," or "That's right," and pass the cup to the listener. The listener now becomes the new speaker. If the listener missed the message, the speaker may say more to help clarify, or another group member may take a try at it.
Continue the exercise until each group member has had several opportunities to do the active listening.
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THE ASSISTING/COACHING PROCESS
The following is a series of door openers that have been helpful for thousands of managers across the U.S. and Canada as they have found themselves in the role of listener, helper, coach, or counselor.
These four steps serve as guidelines for assisting the other through a basic problem-solving process which allows for attention to empathy as well as providing opportunity for the sharing of ideas, thus creating synergy.
When someone approaches you seeking advice, you may say:
Wl: "WHAT'S UP?" After asking this first process question, move to passive listening and, as the story unfolds, begin to actively listen, feeding back perceived emotional and thought content.
W2: "WHAT ARE THE OPTIONS?" As the other is speaking, he/she may mention a few things that he/she has done or has thought of doing to resolve the problem. Active listen to those suggestions, and then know you are close to being ready to move to the second process question. "You've mentioned doing a couple of things: are there any other options?”
The strategy here, for the benefit of both the other and yourself, is to have him/her first do a thorough inventory of the possibilities. This part of the process is called INTERNAL RESOURCING. It sends a signal to the other that you believe that he/she has the capacity and resources to quite possibly come up with the best possible answer. As he/she explores other possibilities, continue to do your passive and active listening.
W3: "...WANT SOME ADVICE?" When it becomes apparent to you that the other may well be ready to hear some of your thoughts and if you do have any suggestions, now is the time to proffer them. This part of the process is called EXTERNAL RESOURCING. Be careful to pose your considerations in "I Language." Speak briefly and be ready to switch back to a listening mode as he/she responds to your input.
W4: "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?" As the discussion draws to a close, it will now be appropriate for you to assist him/her in making a commitment to action. If you are his/her boss, you'll want to know what his/her decision is. If you are not his/her boss, this will be a helpful way to assist him/her in moving on with some resolution.
NOTE WELL: The above questions are worded so as to make it easy for you to remember them. After you have learned the process, you will find many different door openers which will serve you well and avoid sounding mechanical.
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WINNING AT WORK
PROCESS/SKILLS MATRIX
IN TECHNOLOGY AND IN HUMAN RELATIONS:
A QUALITY PROCESS PLUS
QUALITY SKILL USAGE PRODUCES
A QUALITY PRODUCT
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THOUGHTS ABOUT ACTIVE LISTENING
It is not an end unto itself.
It is part of a process.
It is a skill and then an art form.
The skill is noticeable.
The art is a natural part of a delicate flow.
It cuts through most common barriers between people, such as
• age
• position
• sexuality
• culture
• occupation
When used artfully, active listening heals, mends, and builds relationships.
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The Healing Art
We live in a period of relentless transition, of accelerating change.
Of our energy store, goodly amounts must be spent simply maintaining equilibrium.
Successful coping becomes a feat worthy of laurels. In such a time, the healing art of compassionate listening, of providing the speaker with a framework For examining and re-examining; for structuring and
re-structuring, Is a vital function of relationship.
For the bleak alternatives are to ignore the speaker, the topic, the confusion, the pain,
Or to join in a two-voiced litany of woe; safe, but sad.
However, to chance reflection, is to invite healing.
Robert A. Dey May 1986
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COACHING AND CONFRONTING
GEAR SHIFTING
THE
CONFRONTATION CONFERENCE
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Confrontation: The Relationship between Effectiveness and Intensity
An examination of Passive, Assertive, and Aggressive
Confrontation
Your personal notes and doodles:
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THE CHALLENGE OF CHOICE
WHEN CHOOSING TO CONSULT OR CONFRONT
LOW RISK TO THE RELATIONSHIP
SILENT PRESENCE
A LOOK OF CONCERN
AN OBVIOUS ATTENTION-GETTING SOUND
A GENTLE WORD OR TWO OF CONCERN
CONSULTING, GIVING ADVICE, "I LANGUAGE"
CONFRONTING WITH A CAREFULLY WORDED "I MESSAGE"
USE OF A STRONGER, LONGER "I MESSAGE"
ENGAGING IN AN INFORMAL CONFRONTATION CONFERENCE
FORMAL COLLABORATIVE PROBLEM - SOLVING SESSION
USE OF A "YOU MESSAGE"
A WARNING OF A POSSIBLE NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCE
THIRD - PARTY FACILITATION OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION
BARGAINING; NEGOTIATIONS
CONSEQUENCE ADMINISTRATION
ARBITRATION: A THIRD PARTY DECIDES
SEPARATION: AVOID LEAVE, QUIT DIVORCE
LEGAL ACTION: COURTS OF LAW
WAR: PLANNED OR CHAOTIC AGGRESSION, VIOLENCE
HIGH RISK TO THE RELATIONSHIP
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I LANGUAGE: The Skill of Giving Advice, Coaching, and Consulting
A vital part of the helping skills is the ability to deliver your guidance to the other in a manner which will easily allow him/her to consider your advice.
To create optimal conditions for being heard, it is necessary to avoid using judgmental words or phrases. They tend to stimulate resistance.
Consulting is best done in "I Language". This is a term used to identify a style of usage in which the speaker talks only about his/her experience or opinion, as opposed to evaluations of the other.
"As I see it..." "From my point of view..." "One way to look at this..." introduce influencing attempts which allows the other's consideration of your advice with minimal risk of pushing one of his/her "buttons”.
"Your mistake..." "Where you goofed..." "The trouble with your thinking on this issue is...” are openers laden with difficulties. They risk forcing the other to have to deal with your style rather than your substance. They are sometimes referred to as "you messages" and are synergy blocks.
I invite you to examine four types of consultative messages:
The Declarative: "Let me share..." The Conditional: "These are the constraints..." The Negative: "Thanks, but no thanks..." The Appreciative: "Wow."
Examine the following pages. Read the theory and the examples, and then write three of your own messages for each category. Attempt to practice assertions which you might really deliver in the near future.
In your writing, as well as in your speaking, strive to be:
- CLEAR
- NONJUDGMENTAL
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Consulting; Giving Advice: I Language
The Declarative: "Let me share..."
IT IS: Gentle, soft, for the other's future consideration, not having to be acted upon immediately.
IT HAS: Two parts: The assertion or advice; and The reason for that suggestion.
FOR EXAMPLE:
"I think that it would be wise for us to ask permission because, strictly speaking, that kind of decision is not within the domain of our responsibility."
"As I see it, your boss should be consulted first so that he may sign-off on the idea."
"What I would like to see happen is that we consult our customer before making this decision so that we know that he’ll be willing to go along with the change."
"I believe that our employee benefits program needs to be re-examined in light of some of the new health insurance programs which have become available."
"If that does happen, I’ll be happy to speak up in your behalf because I have gone through something quite similar."
"My concern is that we must give training a higher priority. Without appropriate skill levels within our work force, we simply will not be the quality organization we need to be to reach our goals."
Write three Declaratives you may actually choose to use at work this next week or that you wish you would have used now that you think about it.
1.
2.
3.
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Consulting, Giving Advice: I Language
Conditional: "These are the constraints..."
IT: -is firm and yet considerate of the other; -addresses the near future; -is specific and clear; -takes responsibility for one's own needs being met and, thus,
avoids the roles of persecutor or victim; -is geared to preventing problematic behaviors; -is best delivered without the use of the word, "but."
IT HAS: Either two or three parts: -permission or direction -the limits or conditions involved -and, perhaps, the reason for the condition
FOR EXAMPLE:
“I agree that it is important that you attend that seminar, however, I ask that you wait until July to go."
"Yes, Karen, you may have Friday off to prepare for your son's graduation party, and I’ll need your report to Mr. Kelly's staff ready for review early Monday morning."
"Yes, son, you may use my car, and know that the gas tank must be filled when I leave for work in the morning."
“That's okay with me; no problem, as long as Kathy is informed of the changes."
Now write up to three conditional messages you may actually deliver at work or in another setting.
1.
2.
3.
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Consulting, Giving Advice: I Language
The Negative: "Thanks, but no thanks..."
IT: -is firm and yet resists anger or whining; -addresses near future.
IT HAS: Two and sometimes three parts: -an expression of thanks; -the negative word or phrase; -the reason for declining.
SOME EXAMPLES:
"Thanks for asking, but I’m afraid I can't, because of other previous commitments."
"No, I'm sorry, I will not be attending the department's picnic; it's the same evening as my son's graduation."
"Gee, thanks for asking; normally I would be delighted, but I must say 'no' because of a promise I made to Mike."
"No, not at this time (or, 'not now') because I’m short on time and money."
"I'd rather not; it would mean taking time to learn a whole new set of procedures."
"I appreciate your confidence in me; however, I must decline because…"
Try three:
1.
2.
3.
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CONSTRUCTING AN "I MESSAGE"
An I message (I-M) is used either to strengthen an unsuccessful soft confrontation effort or to soften a confrontation which was too intense.
A complete I-M has three parts delivered in any comfortable sequence:
THE BEHAVIOR YOUR EMOTION THE EFFECT -non-blameful
-specific -avoid labels
-something you’ve seen or heard -crystal clear
-frightened -uncomfortable
-frustrated -concerned -puzzled
-other emotions
-believable -tangible
-the cost being paid -time, energy, $$
-logical -understandable
For practice purposes, first jot down the basic elements of your I-M, and then
construct a full sentence which could actually be spoken to the other.
Your I-M:
____________________________________________________________________
A formula that may be used when learning this style or to use when under considerable pressure:
When…(behavior)…I become…(emotion)…because…(effect)…
For example: When the deadlines we agreed upon are missed, I become quite tense because our group’s reputation for on-time delivery is threatened.
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I-MESSAGE PRACTICE
Directions: Read each of the following situations, imagining yourself in that or a similar circumstance. Then write a three-part I Message, following the guidelines for Constructing an
I-Message found on the previous page. Example to be worked through by the class and the instructor:
One of your group members has been coming late to meetings on a regular basis. Group members are forced to repeat information and discussion for his benefit so that he can catch up. This has
become quite unacceptable to you.
THE THREE COMPONENTS
Your I-Message:
1. One of your customers mentions to you during a phone conversation that, twice this week, he left messages with your colleague, Tom, to have you call. You never received the messages.
Your I-Message:
2. The department responsible for modifying and approving sales contracts has been "sitting on" a contract you are anxious to get to one of your customers. You have made several attempts to get the paper work through channels quickly. You do not want to lose this sale to a competitor, it's
major money for you and for the company. You decide to call Susan, the head of Contracts.
Your I-Message:
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______________________________________________________________________________
I-Message Practice continued…
3. You are the lead design engineer in charge of customizing your company's product to meet the unique needs of individual clients. Your work is highly creative and takes time. Your freedom of design is limited by cost, time, and technical constraints. Sales continue to insist on promising the client that “we can tailor the product to meet any of your needs, and we can do it in thirty days."
Your work is backlogged and the pressure is mounting. You decide to confront the V.P. of Sales.
Your I-Message:
4. A colleague o f yours, Marianne, agreed to provide you with a set of statistics vital to a report you must make, on your company’s behalf, to the Environmental Protection Agency. She has
missed two promised delivery dates, and you are getting very concerned. You are scheduled to present a working draft of your report to your vice president in a week, and the statistics must be
absorbed by you before that report.
Your I-Message:
5. Your boss, Larry regularly walks up to our desk, tosses a set of papers right on top of the work you are currently doing, says with a wry smile on his face, “Here, get at this right away,” and walks
away. You’re tired of being treated this way. You decide it’s time to say something.”
Your I-Message:
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KEY TO I - MESSAGE EXERCISES
The samples given here are only one suggestion. Your perception and experience will shape your versions. Example: Behavior: late to meetings Emotion: irritated Effect: repeat information, waste time
The I Message: When you arrive late at our meetings, I find myself quite irritated because we have to repeat information, and I find this an inefficient use of our time. 1. Behavior: not receiving the telephone message Emotion: surprised and
embarrassed Effect: leave a bad impression upon the client, miss important information
The I Message: One of my customers just told me that he left two messages with you to have me call him. I never received those messages, and I feel embarrassed and angry because I may have missed some critical information. I don't think it makes us look very competent.
2. Behavior: contract not yet approved and returned Emotion: anxious, puzzled, perplexed Effect: may lose the sale to a competitor
The I Message: It has been three weeks since I submitted a contract to your department. It has not yet been sent back to me, and I'm very concerned that we will lose a big sale.
3. Behavior: salesmen's promises or commitments Emotion: very concerned, tense, angry Effect: under severe pressure, demoralizing, impossible to deliver, lose credibility with the client The I Message: When the sales force repeatedly promises their clients that we can make any modification they want within 30 days, I find myself tense, angry, and worried because unrealistic demands are placed upon my department, and we are promising what cannot be delivered.
4. Behavior: missing data Emotion: worried Effect: will not have information in time to include it in report The I Message: Marianne, I haven't received those statistics you said could be provided to me, and I am now quite worried that I’ll not have them in time to include in my report.
5. Behavior: tossing the paper on top of my work and walking away Emotion: hurt, resentful, dismayed Effect: doesn't take my feelings, reactions, or person into consideration
The I Message: Larry, when you toss work assignments on top of what I am already doing without consulting with me about it, I become resentful, flustered, and even angry, because I feel discounted and taken for granted.
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I-MESSAGE PRACTICE CONTINUED… Now take a look at some issues which have been troublesome for you. They may be small or substantive, in or out of the work environment. To be sure, the only way to get at a difficult situation is with a first step. Try an I-Message. PERSON ADDRESSED:
Your I-Message: PERSON ADDRESSED:
Your I-Message: PERSON ADDRESSED:
Your I-Message:
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Constructing "I Messages"
The purpose of an I message is to motivate the other to change their behavior while at the same time not inciting anger or being angry. You want, along with the change, the relationship to be intact and perhaps strengthened after the confrontation. In fact, after delivering your I message, the other may be able to show you why change isn't necessary. They may have found a better way to do something.
I messages are usually used when what has been said previously to the other has not effected changed behavior, or when you came on too strongly and want to soften your confrontation and yet remain firm. If you feel that a full I message is not needed, simply use "I language." What is to be avoided is blame or shame and parental "you messages." They tend to stir resistance, anger, and possibly non-compliance.
The three parts of an I message follow the Cycle of Decision-Making quite closely.
First describe the behavior of the other which is causing you continued concern. Do that as non-blamefully as you possibly can. Remain as factual and objective as you can.
Secondly, state the level of emotion that you are feeling about the matter so that they can assess how much investment you have in the issue. For example: concerned, worried, alarmed, etc.
Finally, let the other know the reason why you feel as you do. What is your reasoning. They need to understand that as well.
Most often, it is best not to add the desired change in behavior that you want Allow the other to respond to your three-part message by agreeing or voicing their concern. Actively listen to what they are saying. Respond with your continued concern in I language and then seek a resolution to the matter together. The more that they participate in the resolution, the more likely it is that they will carry it out without resentment and with commitment. Generally, the more active listening that is done, the better the quality of the solution or agreement
The Model:
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The other's behavior or what you have experienced, your emotion, and the reason for the emotion.
Example: 1. When I am asked to work with that fork lift, 2. I'm afraid that I or someone else may be injured 3. because it does not function properly and seems to be getting worse.
Some I- message practice:
1. You are a team member and are concerned about a safety issue that you believe needs urgent attention. (Choose a realistic example.) Your supervisor comes by and asks you how things are going. You decide to voice your concern in an I message:
First write a brief description of each part of the Cycle of Decision-Making:
Behavior or Situation Your emotional investment Reason why Now write what you might say to your supervisor in I message form.
2. You are a team leader and experience your group leader as blameful quite often. Further, he is really unable or unwilling to actively listen to your concerns, but rather fires back terse answers. You muster up the courage to talk to him about it.
Behavior or Situation Your emotional investment Reason why Now write out an I-message or two that you might use in your conversation with him.
3. As a Superintendent, you see that one of your group leaders, Jane, appears not to be addressing safety concerns because she appears to be afraid of what Harry, her boss, might do if she does. You decide to talk to her about it and, after a few words of greeting,, you put together an I message in an attempt to get her to change positively.
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Her Behavior Your emotional response and, The reason why
Write out your I message to Jane:
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Typical Responses to Consulting or Confronting
Messages
1. "Okay, thanks, got it." The intervention is successful. Nothing more is needed. Be careful not to belabor a point already well made.
2. "Gee, I didn't know it was a problem for you- sorry. What can we do to work this out?" The other apologizes and suggests some problem solving. When you can avoid being blameful, the other can avoid being resistant.
3. The other becomes silent: This means that he/she is confused and uncertain as to what to say or do next. You may then suggest what you would like him/her to do, or you may shift gears and active listen to the apparent confusion: "You're confused," or " You're puzzled."
4. The other becomes defensive, explaining why he/she did what he/she thinks displeased you: "Shift gears" from confronting and move into active listening of the other's defensiveness. It will pay high dividends.
5. The other becomes sarcastic, curt, or even nasty: Anger underlies these responses. You might try active listening to that intensity, refusing to become hooked by the emotion. You may also choose to say something like "Oh," and disengage for the time being, waiting for a better time to approach him/her with the issue. Avoid becoming sarcastic back unless you can do it from an emotionally detached place, perhaps with a smile and the intent of allowing him/her to feel the strength of what he/ she was putting out. This is a delicate tact successfully done only when there exists a strong relationship with the other.
Practice "gear shifting" in a number of situations:
a. small group practice
b. role plays, and
c. handling criticism
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GEAR SHIFTING PRACTICE
Move into groups of three.
Give each person a letter name, A, B, C, etc.
Round One:
1. The “A”s will begin the exercise by reading or extemporaneously delivering a message to person "B".
2. “B” is to respond defensively to the confrontation, pretending that they are a bit upset by the situation. This takes some acting, since the situation is fictitious for "A"s benefit.
3. “A” now must shift from confronting to active listening. Resist the temptation to roadblock by becoming blameful, by doing more confrontation, or by asking questions. Rather, attempt to understand the other's position by paraphrasing and/ or reflecting "B"s emotion. Continue active listening until "B" says, "Yes", or its equivalent.
4. “C” is be a coach for "A". If "A" doesn't shift gears to listening, "C" calls "time out” and coaches an acceptable response. “B” may also coach.
5. Next, "B" confronts "C", and "A" becomes the coach.
6. Finally, "C" confronts "A", and "B" coaches.
Repeat until all group members begin to get the idea.
Round Two:
1.Do the same as the first three steps above, but now "A", after hearing the "yes" of "B”, shifts back to the consulting or confronting mode in order to further clarify their position. Shift gears again if necessary.
2. When you feel you have said your thoughts and that the other feels you have heard them, then summarize their needs and your needs and look for a mutually agreeable resolution. "So then, your needs are…, and what I want is What do you see as a possible solution?" And "I'm thinking that we could…
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GEAR SHIFTING SIMPLIFIED
Mastery of this concept will equip you to handle the most difficult of problem situations with a
calm and grace.
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The Confrontation Conference
Three Phases, Three Steps in Each Phase
One: Demonstrating Care
1. Ritual, small talk: "How ya doin?
2. Contract: "Is this a good time?"
3. Admission: "Correct me if I’m wrong..."
Phase Two: Clarifying the Issue
1. Send your initial, well thought-out "I message."
2. Stand ready to actively listen to the other's response until he/she says, "Yes," or its equivalent.
3. Shift gears between the sharing of your point of view and listening to his/her point of view until the issue seems clear to both of you.
Phase Three: Obtaining a Contract for New Behavior
1. Summarize your needs and his/her needs, receiving confirmation from him/her that what you've said is correct.
2. Ask for and suggest possible options for resolving the conflict, setting upon a course of action which satisfies both parties.
3. Express your gratitude for his/her collaboration and helpfulness, perhaps shaking hands as one would to seal an agreement.
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THE CONFRONTATION CONFERENCE
PHASE ONE: DEMONSTRATING CARE
SMALL TALK
CONTRACT
ADMISSION
PHASE TWO: CLARIFYING THE ISSUES
INITIAL "I MESSAGE" ACTIVE LISTEN GEAR SHIFT
PHASE THREE: OBTAINING A CONTRACT
FOR NEW BEHAVIOR
SUMMARIZE NEEDS EXPLORE OPTIONS & DECIDE EXPRESS GRATITUDE
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Suggested Topics for the Practice of the Confrontation Conference
1. Dennis is not following our renewed standard to wear safety glasses and hard hats in the plant. Further, his work boots are old and not in good condition. You decide that it is time to sit down with him and have a conversation that will effect positive changes.
2. Shirley is not filling out the confined space permits correctly and she is also not following the proper guidelines for confined space permits. You are on good terms with her but find yourself irritated. It's time to sit down and talk about it.
3. Richard comes to you, his supervisor and reports an injury that he says happened about two weeks ago. This is considered a late report and violates our standards. Now Richard's injury is more serious and he may have to be off work. You take a deep breath and prepare for a Confrontation Conference.
4. Create other scenarios which may have been a part of your experience.
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Make No Judgments,
Make No Comparisons,
and
Delete (Give Up) The Need to Understand
Rather, "Actively Listen" to the Other.
Express
Your Experience,
Your Concerns,
And Your Wisdom,
With the use of “I- language."
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GROUP PROBLEM SOLVING
AND
MANAGING CONFLICT
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Facilitator influencing styles for different situations.
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The Effect of the Predominant Use of One Style
Method 1 Top-down Authoritarianism
Method 2 Bottom-up Permissiveness
Method 3 Collaboration in one of its several forms
Effective leadership involves and reasoned and thoughtful use of any of several methods as the situation allows or dictates. In all situations, the use compassion, care, and clarity is absolutely necessary.
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Thoughts About Conflict Resolution from the Taoist Book of Days
"The deeper the extent of the conflict, the greater the need for structure to turn the situation to a valuable and constructive experience."
also
"When there is nothing else to be done to complete something, changes must be undertaken. One must be of a firm mind, self-controlled, restrained, yielding of devotion; exercise one's patience, as premature moves hasten undesired results."
During effective collaborative problem solving, the structure involved in both the use of skills, as well as in the use of process, is increased in order to come to a mutually satisfying and, therefore, longer-lasting resolution.
The temptation in conflict is to fight, flee, or submit. Fear that our needs might not be met or that we or our position will in some way be endangered stimulate these coping mechanisms.
When in a position of authority and faced with conflict, it is easy to use some form of force, subtle or obvious, to get our way.
When we are not in an authority position and we find ourselves in the midst of conflict, then submitting and/or fleeing may appear the easier of paths.
While, at times, coping may indeed be the quickest or most politically advisable route out of a dilemma, it seldom grants lasting satisfaction.
hi fact, coping produces dysfunctional relationships and, eventually, dysfunctional organizations.
Let us now examine thoroughly a collaborative methodology for resolving conflict.
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THE NEED TO DISCOVER NEEDS
A very vital step in successful collaborative problem solving is assessing the nature of the conflict in terms of NEEDS, WANTS, ASPIRATIONS, AND VALUES. Another way to speak of these influences is as UNDERLYING DRIVERS. It is the satisfaction of these drivers or needs that stimulates one party to propose or act upon a solution which, by its very nature, poses a problem for another or others. It is when one person's solution violates or denies the needs of another person or persons that the conflict erupts. When the two parties argue about the solution, the inevitable result is the use of some form of coercion. As a result, one party gets their needs met at the expense of another. If the parties, however, can back up to the underlying needs supporting the controversial solution(s) and search for possibilities for meeting needs that will not hinder either party or group getting their needs met, then collaborative problem solving is well on its way to being accomplished. ,
NEEDS DISCOVERY EXERCISE "*!
Following are solutions to a person's problem. Identify the needs driving both parties, and then brainstorm some alternative possibilities.
1. The manager of a bank branch is very concerned about pleasing the customers and, in the process, the employees feel they are mistreated. If a line forms while some of the tellers are on their lunch break, he insists they cut short or even skip lunch to take care of the people. The tellers are rebelling.
Manager's Needs Teller's Needs
Brainstorm some alternative possibilities for resolving the conflict:
2. You asked Larry if he could stay late tonight to finish a project which has already missed one deadline. He responds firmly to you,"I don't care if the report isn't done by five; I'm leaving. I've made a commitment to pick my kid up at six, and I'm not going to leave her stranded; that's too dangerous."
Larry's Needs Your Needs
Brainstorm alternatives:
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ABRAHAM MASLOW'S
Hierarchy of Needs
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HIERARCHY OF NEEDS
FOR
COLLABORATIVE PROBLEM SOLVING
AS YOU COME TO KNOW YOURSELF
SO CAN YOU HELP ANOTHER
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3. You have just finished reading a memo from your boss asking you to cut your budget by 10% when Pete, who works for you, walks into your office and says to you, "I'm placing the entire staff on paid overtime for the next four weeks. It's the only way well get this paperwork done by the end of the month.”
Pete’s Needs Your Needs
Brainstorm alternatives:
4. Because of her superb skills, you ask Laura to lead the problem-solving session you’ve scheduled for next week. “I’ll be going to the management financial seminar next week. I’ve missed it the last two times, and it won’t be offered again for six months,”” is her reply when you ask her.
Laura’s Needs Your Needs
Brainstorm alternatives:
5. Fernando, one of your most efficient group members, says to you, “I’m tired of knocking myself out around here when so many people do only enough to get by. I enjoy the work, but this is unfair. If something doesn’t change, I’m cutting back.” Fernando’s Needs Your Needs Brainstorm alternatives: 6. You are a quality control manager. Top management has always been very quality
oriented. You couldn’t be happier for the support except that, at the same time, management has also been saying “Ship those things, get them out the door. We’ve got deadlines to meet. If some of them don’t work, we’ll fix them when they come back.” You’re very resistant to having your quality inspectors release anything that doesn’t work.
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Management’s Needs Your Needs Brainstorm alternatives:
Winning at Work
Quad Three Guidelines
for Collaborative Problem Solving
ISSUE: (Here state the problem in general terms or as it might appear in an I-Message. Keep from becoming analytical and exact.)
NEEDS (WANTS, ASPIRATIONS, VALUES):
(This has a brainstorming quality about it. There are no wrong responses. It is helpful to A-L to each response with the goal of phrasing it in an as intangible format as possible while remaining acceptable to the speaker.)
POSSIBILITIES (OPTIONS, ALTERNATIVES):
(DURING EVALUATION USE checkmark , X, ?)
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PLAN AND IMPLEMENT:
(Assign responsibilities: Who does what by when.)
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Sample Recording of the Group’s work:
Issue: (Give the issue a name and write down the appropriate letters and numbers: A _, B_, etc.)
Needs, Wants, Aspirations, and Values Discussed: (As on accumulated sheets)
Brainstorming Possibilities for Resolving the Issue
Suggestion 1 Suggestion 2 Suggestion 3 Etc.
Evaluation of the above for the purpose of reaching a consensus resolution to be put before the Negotiation Teams.
√√?√√√ Suggestion 1 √XXXX Suggestion 2 ?????? Suggestion 3 X√X? Suggestion 4 √√X√√ Suggestion 5
√?? XX Suggestion 6, Etc.
Assignment of Responsibilities
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Winning at Work
Q uad Three
Worksheet: Collaborative Problem Solving
ISSUE:
NEEDS (WANTS, ASPIRATIONS, VALUES):
POSSIBILITIES (OPTIONS, ALTERNATIVES):
(DURING EVALUATION USE √, X, ?)
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Scope of Decision Making
from Traditional to Council of Equals
LEADER DECIDES AND TELLS GROUP
LEADER DECIDES WITH GROUP
GROUP DECIDES WITH LEADER PRESENT
GROUP DECIDES WITH LEADER INPUT
GROUP DECIDES AND TELLS LEADER
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