whitworthianthe iSSUe 12.5APriL 1, 2013

Killer dogs to roam dorm halls, looking for PDAWhitworth PDA has reached the point that action must be taken. Who let the dogs out? Whitworth Security did. For the good of the student body.

Whitworth to eliminate Core 150, 250 and 350

Macklemore coming to Whitworthp. 3

p. 14

p. 13

The Whitworthian has served as the main source of news and sports coverage for the Whitworth community since 1905. The Whitworthian is an organization composed entirely by students which produces The Whitworthian weekly newspaper and thewhitworthian.com.

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56 BERSKERTBERLL

15 CROW’S NEST

10 YOUNG & FUNNY56 BERSKERTBERLL

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news

Lucas ThayerStaff Writer

In a controversial display of force, President Teck Baylor announced to-day he would be authorizing the use of attack dogs for Whitworth Security. This new development comes on the tail of a new educational decree forbidding hand holding, kissing and making goo-gly eyes from across the room.

“We have an obligation to our stu-dents and our trustees to prevent this sort of immoral, raucous be-havior,” Baylor said, adding with a note of grave concern, “It’s for their own good.”

The dogs, trained by US Special Forces in Kuwait, are just too adorable. The six bea-gle unit is tasked with sniffing out and dis-membering any public display of affec-tion.

“Oh man, these dogs are trained kill-ers, and they’re also really cute,” said Derek Noakes, head of Whitworth Secu-rity, his hands shaking with excitement at the thought of sweet, sweet justice. “They’ve had their teeth replaced with an aluminum alloy. It can cut through a forearm like it was string cheese.”

Whitworth is currently constructing new kennels for the attack dogs, esti-mated to cost around $1.7 million. The new kennels will be ready to open by 2021. Until that time, campus securi-ty has co-opted several of the dorms in

Baldwin-Jenkins. The dogs are allowed to roam without a handler, with tiny, adorable badges fixed to their collars.

“Probably for the best. BJ is ground zero for hand-holding. And don’t get me started on the googly eyes,” Noakes said.

Tom Fiction isn’t sure the adorable, lethal attack dogs are a good idea for his dorm. They smell, he says. And also, they ripped off his hand when he proposed to his now ex-girlfriend.

“Well, I held my girlfriend’s hand as I was getting ready to slip the ceremoni-

al Spring engagement ring on her finger,” freshman Tom Fiction said. “I mean, we’ve been dating a whole two months now, so it seemed like the right time. Then a big dog came out of nowhere and ripped my hand off,” he said, wagging his little stump to emphasize his point.

“What am I supposed to do with this?”While the students are in protest

over the ravenous pack of conserva-tive canines roaming the halls, they are also pleased by the boosted WiFi signal granted by the dog’s metal choppers. And, Fiction admits, the dogs were pret-ty cute.

“I can Skype my parents from any-where now! Well, if I could type that is,” Fiction said. “You know, because a dog bit my hand off.”

Killer dogs attack human public displays of affection

“Oh man, these dogs are trained killers,

and they’re also really cute.”

—Derek Noakes

head of Whitworth security

Contact Lucas Thayer at lthayer12@my.whitworth.edu

Chrissy Roach | Photographer

Conservative canines roam the halls of the dorms, looking for couples who are publicly displaying their affection.

Lucas ThayerStaff Writer

Documents released last Friday con-firm that Professor Klaus Barrington, interim Political Science professor, is in fact an 800-lb North American Grizzly Bear.

Jep Hurlich, junior and political sci-ence major, said he thought something smelled fishy when he walked in on him snatching a live salmon from the stream. When Hurlich asked what Prof. Bar-rington was doing, the professor leaned back onto his haunches to display his full 8-foot height, and growled at Hurlich. The political science professor, a gradu-ate of Baylor University, then turned to go back to his cave and take a nap.

“Did I suspect anything? Just barely,” Hurlich said. This wasn’t the first time

Barrington aroused suspicion in his stu-dents. On the second day of Hurlich’s Political Ethics class, Barrington roared at the class before drag-ging a freshman girl from the front row behind his desk to be devoured.

Barrington told stu-dents that if they reported the news to anyone, that he would do the same things to them.

“I honestly thought he was making a statement about the Republican par-ty’s fiscal politics,” Juliette Pierce said, who was in attendance on that day. “I think he’s brilliant.”

“We have a non-discrimination policy at Whitworth. As long as he hasn’t vio-lated his admission of faith, there’s not

much we can do,” Margaret Thalmer, director of wildlife relations, said. “Al-though devouring students? You could

say it’s a claws for concern.”

Whitworth Ad-ministration is in-vestigating the issue further but since Barringon is not in direct violation of a statement of faith, it appears that the university may just have to pray Bar-ringon doesn’t con-tinue to devour stu-dents.

Professor Barrington met with the press the day after the document was re-leased to address the public’s concerns in ursine. The professor’s responses

were belligerent and inaudible. “It’s really scary that this is happen-

ing,” freshman Keila Turner said. “My parents are actually thinking of with-drawing me from the university if things aren’t resolved soon.”

Barrington, who was keynote speaker at the recent Northwest Economic Sym-posium, began to claw at the walls of Weyerhaeuser to mark his territory.

A member of the press corps accused him of being drunk before remembering he was, in fact, a Grizzly Bear. The crowd became chaotic and the building was evacuated soon after.

Friday, students took a moment of silence campus-wide to remember the devoured freshman.

Grizzly bear professor devours freshman

“I honestly thought he was making a

statement about the Republican party’s

fiscal politics.”—Juliette Pierce

super senior

13.5 People who miss reading The Whitworthian’s “I Saw You”

section.p. 22

6 Number of hits The

Whitworthian’s website has gotten within the last six months.

p. 98{crunching

TH

E

numbers} 5 Number of people who know

where the media office is. p. 6

Contact Lucas Thayer at lthayer12@my.whitworth.edu

04

Haley WilliamsonStaff Writer

It is official. The concept of ring by spring will liter-ally leave its mark on Whitworth’s campus. Final blue-prints have been drawn for a chapel specifically made for Whitworth couples to get married or engaged in by spring of their senior year.

The idea was proposed two years ago and many vot-ed for building to take place once the new recreation center was finished.

“I think this is a great idea,” sophomore Meg Wil-liams said. “It is everyone’s dream to complete ring by spring and now Whitworth has made it almost easier for this to happen.”

The actual date of construction will start is estimated to be around early November 2013 and it will be com-pleted before school is out for summer in 2014. This new chapel will reside right in the middle of the grass field in front of East and Duvall. The hope is that the look of the stained glass windows and high archways will fit in with the style of the two dorms already there.

“My fiancé and I are already making plans to be married in the new chapel,” freshman Katie Skye said. “Whitworth is where we fell in love and he proposed to me on campus, so it only seems fitting to be married here as well.”

Not only will this new chapel provide a means for

completion of ring by spring, but it will also open up more on-campus jobs. The chapel will be hiring musi-cians to play at receptions, pastors to conduct the cer-emonies as well as planners to work with the bride and groom to be.

“My advisor knows how much I love weddings and has approached me about seeking out a Theology in-ternship within the chapel as the pastor in order to practice ceremonies,” senior Kevin Borg said.

The local hotels are also getting their piece of this new project by offering discounts for an overnight stay in a honeymoon suite after newlyweds say their vows.

“I was getting overwhelmed with all the little details that go into a wedding, but now I feel like I can breath a little easier,” Skye said. “Whitworth is offering so much with the use of the chapel, and then with the hotel dis-counts, well everything is just falling right into place.”

Many people have contributed ideas to the décor and style of the building, including ring by spring being engraved on the front door and having a photo booth in the back of the building for people to capture their wedding day on camera. Others have suggested lining the inside walls with fake red roses and diamond chan-deliers.

No one knows the final plans for the look of the chap-el, but in seven months this project will break ground.

Chapel to be built for Whitworth weddings

Greggypoo Moser | Photographer

Ring by spring? Of course. Whitworth plans to break ground on its new chapel accommodating only WU couples. Engage yourselves.Contact Lucas Thayer at

lthayer12@my.whitworth.edu

Remi OmodaraStaff Writer

With the beginning of spring fast approaching, the Board of Trustees deliberated and ultimately decided to instill a dress code for Whitworth students. Starting in April, students will have to adhere to specific guide-lines when it comes to the clothing they choose to don.

Yoga pants and flannel are said to be banned and tank tops must adhere to the ‘two-inches thick’ rule as well. Skirts will need to be at least to the middle of the thigh and pants will not be able to hug the skin too tightly. As for the popular plaid, students who do not have Scottish ancestry will not be allowed to wear it.

A campus-wide email sent out by administration spelled out the new requirements and how they will play out on campus.

Some of the reasoning behind why this is happening stems from the fact that Whitworth wants students to be able to focus solely on school and not on other peo-ples’ outfits.

“If students are all dressed modestly, people will focus more on their studies,” Whitworth psychologist Gene Godio said.

Some students expressed outrage upon hearing the news and believe that the university is relinquishing necessary power from its students.

“It’s unfair that they are treating us like we are in mid-dle school,” freshman Alice Tink said. “We are adults and should be able to decide what we want to wear; if I want to show up to class in yoga pants, I should be able to.”

Professors have even been equipped with rulers and have been given permission to call out students who do not appear to be adhering to dress code and measure their skirt lengths, etc.

Risks run high for students who choose not to adhere to dress codes. Big 3’s will be administered to policy vi-olators. Off-campus students who violate will also be asked to wear smocks, given to professors, over their outfits until they are able to go home and change.

Many students are questioning whether or not Whit-worth has thought about the economic implications of this.

“Yoga pants are all I wear,” junior Marsha Hedger said. “I don’t have money to replace my entire ward-robe.”

A protest was held last weekend in light of the new dress code implementations.

Guys are also having a tough time coping with the new implementations.

“Most of my bro tanks are less than two inches thick,” Collin Missimin said. “I don’t get why they don’t want me to show my guns.”

Although students have expressed frustration with

the new rules, administration has refused to budge and has stated that this will give Whitworth some class and keep students in line.

Whitworth determines appropriate dress code

Greggypoo Moser | Photographer

Part of the new dress code also entails covering the collarbone on campus, as seen in this photo.

Contact Remi Omodara at romodara14@my.whitworth.edu

Arts & cultureAn ode to the column formerly known as I Saw YouGreg MoserStaff Bawce

Today we mourn the loss of our dear friend, the Whit-worthian’s I Saw You column.

Though your time with us but a flash in the eons of his-tory, your legacy of creeps, loves and sightings will forever hold a place in our hearts. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

I saw you, sitting there on the right side of Arts and Culture each week; our little friend, giving us laughs with every issue.

I saw you. You were there before Whitworth Confes-sions came and demolished your reputation.

I saw you. You were so sad and lonely, receiving only one submission every three weeks.

I saw you. Nobody even notices your absence. I saw you. How I miss you so. You did not deserve a demise such as this – no, you

deserve a twenty-one gun salute and a place in the history books.

This time video didn’t kill the radio star; Whitworth Confessions killed the I Saw You star.

In an age where digital confession posts are more pop-ular, we lose the tactile feedback of shoving a creepy con-fession in someone’s face and waiting for their reaction.

We all know how the saying goes: you don’t know what you have until it’s gone; I see that you are no exception.

I hold for you a hope that wherever you are it is a place better than this earth, a world where your talents and insight is truly valued.

Goodnight, sweet prince. Greg Moser | Photographer

Junior Greg Moser is told the crushing news of the fate of the I Saw You column. The crushing sadness, anguish and rage manifested itself in the raw emotion we see above.

Remi OmodaraStaff Writer

Dominating YouTube and stirring laughter across America, Taylor Swift’s ‘I Knew You Were Trouble’ has propelled goats to stardom. Therefore, Swift decided to take the goats featured in the video on tour with her across the nation.

“I realized that they were the reason that the song became a hit sensation and I thought it would be kinda cool to have them along,” Swift said.

Twenty-five percent of the pro-ceeds from the tour will go to farms for crippled animals across the na-tion. Goats, cows and chickens alike will receive more animal therapy and possibly even prosthetics to make their lives a little bit easier.

“I rarely give money to import-ant causes such as this,” Swift said. “I’m excited to help those poor little animals.”

While Swift realizes that bringing the goats on tour will benefit these animals, her man-ager says it was difficult for her not to be the center of attention.

“Taylor is used to things revolving around her,” Swift’s road manager Robert Allen said. “It’s been a

struggle for her to accept that the goats are the money makers this time.”

And money makers they have been!Swift and the goats have already performed in six states in the past two weeks and all shows were sold out, which has never happened for Swift.

“The goats were absolutely incred-ible,” Swift fan Mallory Eggers said. “Being there was surreal; people went crazy when the goats were scream-ing.”

Not only was Eggers able to see the goats perform live, she was able to get pictures with the goats after the show.

“I almost started crying when I was getting the picture taken,” Eggers said. “ I actually got to see the goats close up.”

Goat paraphernalia is also being sold online to raise money for the crippled animals. Goat hats, t-shirts and water bottles alike have been selling rather quickly on Swift’s fan site and Amazon as well.

“I pre-ordered the goat water bottle and finally got it last week,” Eggers said. “My friends are all pretty jealous.”

The goats are expected to generate 237 percent more revenue than Swift would have generated had she gone on tour alone, which Allen says is astound-ing. People from different countries around the world

have been travelling to the states to see the goats in action.

During the last six shows, the tour has made more money than Swift made on her last four tours com-bined, all thanks to the goats.

“We are so thankful for the goats,” Allen said. “Not only are they going to get Swift more famous, we are saving the lives of animals everywhere.”

Taylor Swift takes goats on scream tour

Contact Remi Omodara at romodara14@my.whitworth.edu

“Taylor is used to things revolving

around her. It’s been a struggle for her to accept that the goats

are the money makers this time.”

—Robert Allen

road manager

Contact Greg Moser at gmoser14@my.whitworth.edu

Hannah Charlton | Photographer

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Finally.We don’t have to deal with that new

addition anymore. I am so over the extra space and all that new food. It’s the worst.

Sources from Sodexo report that Whitworth will be closing down the new addition. From this point on, it will only be used for special events.

I cannot wait for this to happen. Think of all the community we get to build now that we will be sitting in such close quarters.

Sophomore Justin Johnson says he is relieved at the switch.

“I just couldn’t handle all of the op-tions,” Johnson said. “It was overwhelm-ing to have to decide between burgers and sandwiches and salads and pizza. It was just too much.”

I agree. Having so many choices of what to eat and having such an incred-ible variety is the worst. Why can’t they

just feed me the same thing all the time? That’s what I want.

It is going to be so much better to use the new addition for special events. Ju-nior Lana Dove says that it’ll be a more exclusive thing.

“We built this new thing and using it every day, that makes it lame,” Dove said. “It will be much better when we

get to use it now. It’ll seem much more im-portant.”

I think Dove has it all right. Instead of walk-ing into Sodexo and saying to your buddy “Hey, let’s go check out the addition for more options,” and then decide to walk to the

main area for a sandwich, you can save the effort and just eat the sandwich.

When you do get to eat in the new addition, it’ll be like “YEAH, NEW AD-DITION! BEST DAY EVER!” That will clearly make the investment Whitworth made with your tuition money much more worth it.

This is obviously the best decision that Whitworth has ever made.

opinions

Lately there have been rumors going around campus about who has been stealing the Whitworth letters.

After the email was sent out about a cash reward, many students are trying to figure who in fact is steal-ing the letters. I was very lucky to get the opportunity to interview an eyewitness to the theft, a male junior at Whitworth. The young man will remain unnamed since he has decided to be an anonymous informant because he doesn’t want to be the one to turn in the vandal.

Late one night, around 12:30 a.m., the young man was walking back to campus after attending an off-cam-pus get together with some friends.

“I am of legal age,” he said. “So I am comfortable ad-mitting that I had a few drinks with my friends, but I was far from being intoxicated”.

As he was walking, the man saw something strange in the distance.

“At first I thought I was hallucinating, but my eyes weren’t deceiving me,” he said. “There was in fact a ba-nana standing on the edge of campus.”

Ahead of the young man, another young man wear-ing nothing but a banana costume was hard at work removing one of the Whitworth letters from the sign. The student, being brave, approached the banana man.

“At first he thought I was security and was about to run, but when he realized I was just another student he was relieved,” he said. “He started laughing and didn’t seem at all worried that I was watching him vandalize campus. I guess I have a trusting appearance.”

The young man had the opportunity to have a con-versation with the banana man. According to the young man, the banana man had a strong scent of alcohol on his breath.

“When I asked the guy what his name was, he just yelled ‘I’m the banana man’, and started laughing. That’s when I realized just how drunk this guy was,” he said.

This banana man is the sole person responsible for the multiple vandalisms that have happened to the signs and according to my informant, he is proud of that fact.

“He told me that he is planning on starting a collec-tion. I asked him why and he responded with a laugh and a shrug of his shoulders,” he said.

After the young man had a short discussion with the banana man, the banana man rode off into the night on his longboard with one of the Whitworth letters in his hand held high as if it were a prize.

JASmineBArneS

columnist

BARNES is a sophomore majoring in English andsecondary education. Comments can be sent to jbarnes15@my.whitworth.edu.

CARtER is a freshman majoring in com-munication. Comments can be sent to wcarter16@my.whitworth.edu.

HUB addition closed, best decision ever made

WhiTneyCArTer

columnist

“Having so many choices of what to eat

and having such an incredible variety is

the worst.”

tannerius Scholten | Photographer

Mysterious banana man responsible for stealing Whitworth letters. Who is this mysterious man?

Banana Man charged with stealing letters

#hashtagsarethebestChriSSy

roAChcolumnist

ROACH is a junior majoring in journalism & mass communication. Comments can be tweeted to @RoachChrissy.

“#weneedtounder-standthatthisishowso-cialmediajournalist-scommunicatebecau-seit’sefficientandthey-canonlywrite140char-

actersperstory”

sports

Miranda CloydStaff Writer

As spring weather approaches, Whit-worth’s recreational program prepares to add a new activity club: the zip line team.

The zip line course will be constructed in the loop, parallel to the Hello Walk and stretching the length from the Lindaman Center to the Hixson Union Building. This will be considered a starter course and will be added to throughout the upcoming years.

Before the start of the season, tryouts will be held to determine what zip-liners will compose this year’s team. Tryouts will be a three-round process, with cuts being made at each round. Once the final cuts have been made, the team will be composed of eight of Whitworth’s finest men and wom-en.

The team plans to start out with basic training on zip line safety and technique. Team captain Tyler Jezierski said he hopes that the team will be ready to compete with other University zip teams by fall.

“We’ll spend this spring getting comfort-able,” Jezierski said. “Once people kind of have a general idea about the technical side of things, we’ll start working on the more acrobatic aspect.”

According to Jezierski, the Pirates will work to perfect all kinds of tricks, from hanging upside down to doing tandem ac-robatic zipping. As this is a potentially dan-gerous sport, Jezierski encourages those who are considering trying out to take the possible consequences into account.

“We’re going to be taking some risks,” Jezierski said. “That’s what all of the truly successful teams do; they throw caution to the wind in order to master incredible feats.”

According to a statement released by the program directors, the zip line will eventu-ally be expanded to more than recreation-al uses. The university is aware that quick transportation to and from classes is an on-going issue for students. Use of the zip line system will become available to all students who have gone through the provided train-ing.

The new line system will be built up over time, beginning with a line that will be constructed from the the Harriet Cheney Cowles library to the Scotford Fitness Center this fall. According to calculations completed in a Whitworth physics class, this new line will cut students’ travel time on this route from five minutes down to 45 seconds.

Whitworth to add zip line course, team this spring term

Contact Miranda Cloyd at mcloyd16@my.whitworth.edu

Korey HopeStaff Writer

It was confirmed last Sunday that after the conclusion of the NCAA Di-vision I Men’s Tournament in early April, the Gonzaga men’s basketball pro-gram will travel to north Spokane and Whitworth’s Field-house to scrimmage the Pirates’ basketball squad. The inter divi-sional matchup will take place on Satur-day, April 27 at 7 p.m.

The Gonzaga Bull-dogs entered the NCAA Division I Men’s Tournament ranked No. 1 in the nation. They’re 31-2 overall record with wins over Kansas State Univer-sity and Baylor University, as well as a West Coast Conference Championship contributed to their number one seed entering the tournament.”

“They will be a tough matchup,” Whitworth head coach Matt Logie said. “But our guys will be ready and we can only hope the fans come out and support us like they have all year. It’s only a scrimmage, but it’s for brag-ging rights of Spokane. We won’t be messing around.”

Division I and Division III squads clashing in any sport is very rare, even in an offseason setting. Four of Gon-zaga’s top six scorers are taller than anybody in the Pirates’ starting lineup, and two Bulldog starters are averaging more points and rebounds per game

than anyone on the Pirate roster. However, Whitworth is confi-dent they can put up a strong fight against the heavily-favored Divi-sion I powerhouse.

“Height has very little to do with win-ning,” senior guard Wade Gebbers said. “If I’ve picked up any-thing in my time play-ing college basketball, it’s that size does not matter.”

Gebbers, standing at 5 feet 11 inches, has

the numbers to back him up. He aver-aged better than 11 points per game this season, which would be good enough for fourth best on the Zags’ roster.

In terms of points, Whitworth aver-aged more points per game as a team compared to Gonzaga, as well as hav-ing a better field goal, three-point and free throw percentage.

“We are going to know what to ex-pect,” junior guard Dustin McConnell said. “We are going to have to move

the ball well and hit our shots when we have them.” McConnell leads the Bucs in points per game, three-point per-centage, free throw percentage, assists and steals. Along with running the Pi-rate offense, McConnell collected all-NWC First Team honors this season.

The Bulldogs, however, are carrying well-known players as well. Junior for-ward Kelly Olynyk was named District IX Player of the Year this season.

He bested Division I players from six west coast states including Wash-ington, Oregon, California, Arizona, Alaska and Hawaii. After being re-minded of who the Whitworth Pirates are, Gonzaga head coach Mark Few sees the matchup as a time for his non-starters to see playing time.

“I expect to play our bench through-out our game against Whitworth,” Few said. “I also expect an easy victory from our non-starters. After all, we play at a Division I level, not Division III.”

Attendance is expected to exceed season averages for the Pirates. Doors will open at 6 p.m. for the game in the Fieldhouse on Saturday, April 27.

Tickets go on sale April 1 for $15 and students will be admitted free with identification.

Bucs brace themselves for Bulldogstannerius Scholten | Photographer

Pirates gear up for a game against the Gonzaga Bulldogs set to take place April 27 in the Fieldhouse.

Contact Korey Hope at khope16@my.whitworth.edu

“Height has very little to do with

winning. If I’ve picked up anything in my

time playing college basketball, it’s that

size does not matter.”—Wade Gebbers

senior guard

whitpics

ABOVE: Junior Greg Moser reacts to the removal of the I Saw You section because of lack of submissions due to the creation of Whit-worth Confessions.

Greg Moser | Photographer

THE END OF AN ERA