When Anger Burns - Christians in Recoverychristians-in-recovery.org/attach/RBC/WhenAngerBurns.pdf · the most powerful emotions known to man—anger. Angela’s anger mushroomed to

by Tim Jackson

IIt was 5:05 a.m. Angela was awakened by the cry of her infant son. It was the fifth time that night. Shedidn’t know she could feel so tired. Colic was not

something she had planned on when she gave birth toCory just 4 months ago. She longed for a peaceful night’ssleep. But it seemed only an elusive dream. Her husbandBill was working the third shift. She was alone.

As Angela dragged herself out of bed and stumbledtoward the sound of the crying, she not only felt tired butirritated with her child. “Why is this happening to me? I didn’t ask for this. All I want is a good night’s sleep. Isthat asking too much?”

No matter how gentle she was, all her efforts to sootheher hurting son were futile. Cory’s crying intensified.Angela’s irritation escalated. “You have no right to destroymy life by constantly stealing my sleep night after night!Shut up!” she screamed as she shook her son.

Her actions frightened her, and Cory too. At thatmoment, she realized just how easy it would be for her to lash out physically at her defenseless son. She felt heranger burning toward this child whom she dearly loves.The inner turmoil terrified her. She slumped to the floorand began to sob.

When AngerBurns

© RBC Ministries. All rights reserved.

Jill works in a hospitalas an x-ray technician. Shelikes her work. And she’sgood at it. Helping othershas always been satisfyingto her. However, she isfinding it increasinglydifficult to get along withone particular doctor.He is so arrogant andoverbearing. If she offers asuggestion about a series oftests he has ordered for apatient, he treats her asthough she is grosslyincompetent and demeansher. He rudely walks awayfrom her right in the middleof her questions. He refusesto return her phone calls.The last time it happened,Jill hit the ceiling. “Whodoes he think he is anyway?If it weren’t for the fact thathe is the senior orthopedicsurgeon in the hospital andI can’t afford to lose my job,I would give him a piece ofmy mind! Then maybe I’dget a little of the respect Ideserve!”

Then there is Paul. Heand Roxanne were engagedto be married in a month.However, while drivinghome from a date oneFriday night, Paul’s car washit broadside by a drunkdriver. Roxanne was killedinstantly. Paul would neverbe the same. As a reminderof that night, he was leftwith a shattered knee, anddoctors told him he wouldnever regain full use of hisleg. That meant a change inPaul’s profession as aroofing contractor. But Paulwas determined not to takeno for an answer.

Five years later, Paulseems to be doing well. Hemet Cindy, a physicaltherapist, during the 18months of rehab for hisknee. They hit it off fromthe start and were married9 months later. Paul’stherapy paid off, and he has90 percent function of hisknee. While all seems tohave healed well, things are

2© RBC Ministries. All rights reserved.

not what they appear to be.Cindy is complaining

of Paul’s lack of closeness.Whenever she confrontshim about something he’s done to upset her,he retreats into coolindifference. “It’s like he isso far away that I can’t getto him no matter how hardI try. It’s a frozen barrier oficy silence that I don’t knowwhat to do with. I can’t livelike this anymore. I wantsomeone who wants to bewith me.”

What do Angela, Jill, andPaul have in common? Theyare all battling with one ofthe most powerful emotionsknown to man—anger.Angela’s anger mushroomedto the point of her becomingabusive to her child. Jill felt rage toward her co-worker but kept it inside. Paul pushed hisanger underground anddecided the best course ofaction was to bury it andhope it would go away.

Anger. A day rarely goes by that we all don’t feel some form of anger.That’s why it’s important totalk about our anger—whatit is, what it does for us,where it comes from, andhow we can learn to handleit in constructive instead ofdestructive ways. Onlywhen the roots of our angerare exposed can we defuseits explosive potential.

What Is Anger?

AAnger is one of the most basic humanemotions. Everyone

gets angry. It’s a feeling ofbeing against someone orsomething. It’s a hostileemotion that sets peopleagainst each other, or evenagainst themselves. By itsnature, anger involvesantagonism.

Anger, however, issimpler to define than it is to identify. Emotions ofantagonism can take on a wide variety of faces.


Expressions of anger rangefrom the overt, in-your-facebrand of open hostility tothe cool indifference of asilent stare.

At times, anger can feellike an inner fire. It hitsyou in the gut. You see redand feel hot and sweaty.Your stomach churns, yourblood pressure rises, andyour breathing rateincreases as if you’relaboring under a heavyweight. Outwardly, yourbody responds to theinternal activity with aflushed appearance. Youperspire, your nostrils mayflare, and your jaw tightens.Many people describe theirexperience of anger as theirblood boiling.

On the other hand,anger can be experienced as compliance on theoutside while resentmentand hostility run justbeneath the surface. Thelittle boy who complies withhis teacher’s request to sit

down may still be standingup on the inside.

The silent withdrawaland lack of involvement of a spouse is often anindication that one isangrily punishing the otherfor not doing things his orher way. Sex often becomesa weapon of anger insteadof the expression of sharedlove in a marriage.

Because anger is socommon to humanexperience, and because it is such a threat torelationships, it’s notsurprising that the Biblehas much to say about thedangers, roots, and tamingof anger.

To begin with, theScriptures show thedestructive potential ofanger. Several OldTestament Hebrew termsprovide word pictures ofhuman anger. One worddescribes the face of anangry person, with nostrilsflared (Gen. 39:19; Ex. 4:14).


Another speaks of anger as a burning emotion thatonce ignited burns furiously hot (Ex. 22:24; 32:10-12).Another word speaks ofanger as an outburst of furythat burns, overflows, andconsumes everything in itspath like a molten wall oflava (Ezek. 22:21,31). It isnot surprising, therefore,that several passages of the Bible urge us to get ridof any kind of bitterness,rage, or anger (Eph. 4:31;Col. 3:8).

The Bible, however, doesnot always paint a negativepicture of anger. The vastmajority of biblicalreferences to words likeanger, rage, wrath, and furyrefer to the anger and wrathof God. These passages,which speak of God’s ownanger with His enemies, oreven with His own people,far outnumber those thattell us to avoid anger.

What the Bible shows usis that anger is neither

right nor wrong until thereis a motive. Anger can beproductive and loving, justas it can be destructive andselfish. What we need is thediscernment that can bedeveloped by those whowant to see their anger fromthe Lord’s point of view.

1. Destructive,Selfish Anger. In mostcases, the anger that movesa person to do harm tohimself or others is selfish.It is the kind of anger that destroys rather thanbuilds up. It is more like a wrecking ball than ahammer.

The first explicit mentionof anger in the Bible showsits potential to kill. Genesis4 tells us the story of Cainand Abel. Both men broughtsacrifices to God thatreflected their individualoccupations. But only Abelbrought a sacrifice thatpleased the Lord.

“Cain was very angry,and his face was downcast”


(v.5). The word used here isthe Hebrew word forburning fury. God came toCain and tried to help himdeal with his seething ragetoward Him. God made itclear that He desired toaccept Cain, but that he hadto come on God’s terms andnot on his own terms (vv.6-7). God then gave Cain acompelling warning: “If youdo not do what is right, sinis crouching at your door; itdesires to have you, but youmust master it” (v.7).

Cain had to make achoice about how he wasgoing to deal with his anger.His pride was wounded. Hewas hurt and angry thatGod would not accept thefruit of his labor the wayGod accepted the fruit ofAbel’s work. Yet God gavehim an opportunity to dealwith his emotions. The olderbrother could have repentedand offered the sacrificeGod had asked for. The Lordin turn would have accepted

him. But Cain stubbornlyrefused to place himself inthe protective care of God.Instead, he was determinedto take matters into his ownhands.

Knowing that he waspowerless to lash outdirectly at God—the trueobject of his anger—Cainpounced on the one withwhom God was pleased: hisbrother Abel. Cain brutallymurdered his brother incold blood. In fact, his hearthad become so hardenedthat when God came to him and inquired about thewhereabouts of his brother,Cain snidely remarked,“I don’t know. Am I mybrother’s keeper?” (v.9).It was because of hisdetermination to harden hisheart and murder his ownbrother that God cursedCain to be a wanderer onthe earth (vv.11-12).

Unfortunately, the lasttime we see Cain in theBible he is still determined


to take his life into his ownhands in an angry waragainst God. Instead ofaccepting God’s curse onhim and being a wanderer,he again defies God andbuilds a city (v.17). Cain is a prime example of a manangrily protecting andproviding for himself rather than humblinghimself under the mighty,all-sufficient hand of God (1 Pet. 5:6).

Cain paid dearly for his self-protective strategy.Because he trusted his ownfeelings more than God,his name has becomesynonymous with themurderous potential ofselfish anger. His mistakereminds us that angerrooted in self-centeredefforts to care for ourselvesnever works. Such angerseeks to destroy, not build.It is a consuming passionthat devours anything in itspath. This is the kind ofdangerous emotion James

had in mind when he said,“Man’s anger does not bringabout the righteous life thatGod desires” (Jas. 1:20).Man’s anger is far differentfrom the godly anger that isgood, constructive, andloving.

2. Productive, LovingAnger. Because of theclear prohibitions in theBible against destructiveanger, and our naturalaversion to this powerfulemotion, many have come tobelieve the Bible teachesthat all anger is sinful. Withthat assumption in mind,we often misinterpretEphesians 4:26 (cp. Ps. 4:4)to say, “Don’t be angry,because it’s sin. Don’t let the sun go down whileyou’re still angry.” But thetext doesn’t say that.

The wording ofEphesians 4:26-27 does not support the assumptionthat anger in and of itself issinful. The four imperativeverbs found in these verses


make the translation clear.The apostle Paul commandsus to “be angry.” But hedoesn’t stop there. This is by no means a wholesale endorsement ofindiscriminate anger (verse31 makes that abundantlyclear). The first command isqualified by the threeprohibitions that follow.

Be Angry. God knowsthat anger is an importantand necessary emotion for ahealthy person living in afallen world. The precedingverse (v.25) sets up thecontext of truth-telling inrelationships. We are to stop pretending and “put off falsehood and speaktruthfully” to our neighbors.Being honest about ouranger, therefore, issomething we cannot avoid. The command is this:Be angry about how yoursin harms you and others,and how others’ sin harmsthem and you.

John Stott, in his

commentary on Ephesians4:26, says, “The verserecognizes that there issuch a thing as Christiananger, and too fewChristians either feel orexpress it. Indeed, when wefail to do so, we deny God,damage ourselves, andencourage the spread ofevil” (The Message OfEphesians, p.185).

Paul realized thepotential for devastatingharm that can come fromunbridled rage. That is hisreason for giving threequalifying prohibitions thatfollow this call to be angry.

Don’t Sin. Thecommand is not to avoidanger, but to avoid sinfulanger. If we don’t keepantagonistic emotions on atight leash, they will ceaseto be useful in restrainingsin, and instead will beginto multiply it. Anger towardthose who possess morethan we do rationalizesstealing (v.28). Anger stirred


up by a bad conscienceenables us to deny thetruth, twist it, and say allkinds of unloving thingsabout others (v.29). Ouranger can grieve the HolySpirit (v.30), and if we resistHis gentle prodding ouranger can degenerate intothe sin of bitterness (v.31).Bitterness siphons offpassion for life. It displacesfaith and love. And oncefaith and love are gone,the downward spiral toadditional sins of cynicismand malicious living follows(v.31).

Don’t Nurse Anger. “Donot let the sun go downwhile you are still angry”commands us to deal withour anger as soon as we areaware of it. Don’t stuff itinside and brood over it. Itwill only fester. Take it outof the dark and expose it tothe light. Let the truth burnaway your selfish ragebefore it grows and deepensand hardens.

This command probablyreflects the Old Testamentpractice of paying off debtsand returning borrowedgoods prior to sunset so asnot to cause undo hardshipon the other person (Dt. 24:13-15). Likewise,we are commanded to dealwith anger promptly so that we will avoid unduerelational hardship.

Don’t Give Satan AnEdge. “Do not give the devil a foothold” reflects aprogression in Paul’s seriesof commands. Satan knowshow to exploit anger that isselfish. Once he has usnursing and justifying ourselfish anger, he knows weare not far from hatred,vengeance, a refusal toforgive, and violence.

We need to keep in mind,however, that there is a fineline between anger that isloving and anger that isselfish. Complete avoidanceof anger is another way ofgiving Satan an edge.


Unfortunately, manypeople avoid anger at allcosts because they haveexperienced the volatileemotion of anger that isterrifying to deal with inthemselves and in others.According to Ephesians4:26, that is not an optionGod gives us.

We play into the devil’shands not only when wefollow our anger into sin, but when we allowsinful self-protection to keep us from obeyingGod’s command, “In youranger do not sin.” Fewoccasions give our enemymore freedom than whenthe children of God fail tolove enough to be angry.

Anger and love are notmutually exclusive. Theycan be two different sides of the same coin. Righteousanger in a compassionateperson can be veryproductive for the well-being of others.

What AngersGod?

TThe Bible makes itclear that while Godis slow to anger (Ex.

34:6-7), there is much thatHis love causes Him to hateand despise and punish.

He is slowly but surelyangered by those whorepeatedly make choicesthat rob Him of the honorHe deserves. This anger isnot only for Himself but forthe interests of all who needto be in a right relationshipwith Him.

God is slowly but surelyangered by our stubbornrefusal to live by faith,apart from which we can’tplease Him (Heb. 11:6). Ourcommitment to live by sightis an affront to the One who invites us to trust Himwith the longings of ourhungry souls. It is in ourwillingness to live by faiththat He is honored andglorified.


God’s anger burnedagainst Moses when at firsthe refused to accept God’splan for him to lead Israelout of Egypt (Ex. 4:14).God was angry with thosewho took advantage ofwidows and orphans (22:22-24), with those who wereagainst His people (15:7),and with idolatrous peoplewho chose idols over Him(32:8-10). God’s wrath willone day be poured out on all who are faithless anddisobedient (Eph. 5:5-6;Col. 3:5-6).

In Matthew 23, Jesusdisplayed His Father’sanger against thehypocritical Pharisees.He was angry with them for their meticulousattention to things thatreally didn’t matter to God(like tithing spices) whileblatantly neglecting theweightier matters of thelaw—justice, mercy, andfaithfulness (v.23). He calledthem “snakes” and “a brood

of vipers,” warning themthat unless there was aninner change of heart theywould not escape hell (v.33).That’s righteous anger!

John Stott reminds usthat we should be angeredby the things that angerGod. “In the face of blatantevil we should be indignantnot tolerant, angry notapathetic. If God hates sin,His people should hate ittoo. If evil arouses Hisanger, it should arouse oursalso. ‘Hot indignation seizesme because of the wicked,who forsake Thy law’ (Ps.119:53). What other reactioncan wickedness be expectedto provoke in those who love God?” (The Message OfEphesians, p.186).

God’s anger is not anaberration of love but anextension of His love. TheOld Testament writersconfirm the love-anger linkwith the statement, “You, OLord, are a compassionateand gracious God, slow to


anger, abounding in loveand faithfulness” (Ps. 86:15;cp. Ex. 34:6; Num. 14:18;Ps. 103:8; 145:8). Yes, God isangered by our individualsins, but He is patient withus. He is more enraged with those whose consistentpattern of living is one ofrebellion and coldhearteddisobedience.

Leviticus 26:27-28demonstrates how God’sanger is kindled againstthose who repeatedlydisobey Him in spite of Hisgraciousness and blessing:

If in spite of this you stilldo not listen to Me butcontinue to be hostile

toward Me, then in Myanger I will be hostiletoward you, and I Myselfwill punish you for yoursins seven times over.It was almost 700 years

before Jesus’ confrontationwith the Pharisees inMatthew 23 that theprophet Micah made it clear to the people of hisday what was important toGod: “He has showed you,O man, what is good. Andwhat does the Lord requireof you? To act justly and tolove mercy and to walkhumbly with your God”(Mic. 6:8).

So, you see, the problemis not with anger as anemotion in and of itself. Ifit were, God couldn’t getangry and still be holy.The root problem is in thesource and function ofour anger.

12

mGod’s angeris not an

aberration oflove but anextension ofHis love.n


Where DoesSelfish AngerCome From?

AAcouple sat at oppositeends of the couch inmy office. “He just

sits in front of the TV andwatches sports. When I tryto talk to him, he neverhears me,” she fumed. “Imight as well be a millionmiles away. Then, when hecomes to bed he wants sex.Of all the nerve. He makesme so mad I could justscream!”

From the sound of it,this wife’s anger seems tocome from a source outsideof herself—namely, herhusband. At first blush, wewould probably agree. Butare we merely reactors toour environment? Whatkinds of things affect us?

External Sources OfAnger. Generally, we seethe cause of our anger assomething outside ofourselves. Most of the time

we do not see ourselves asbeing directly responsiblefor our anger. Like the wifethat is mentioned above, wefeel that we’re merelyreacting to external stimuli.“After all,” we reason, “if hehadn’t treated her so poorly,then she wouldn’t havegotten angry.” Externalfactors do affect us.

People Are Selfish.How often have you heard a frustrated husband say,“She never thinks about meand considers what I want.It’s all her and what shewants”? Or a father whothinks that all his teenageson wants is his wallet andthe car keys.

It’s true. Whether we like to admit it or not, weall essentially live forourselves more often than not. Looking out fornumber one is as natural as breathing. We’re bentthat way because ofinherited sin. And if that’strue, then we have precious


little time left over to lookout for each other’s intereststhe way we are called to do(Phil. 2:4).

Life Is Unfair. Haveyou ever felt like this: “Whydon’t I ever get a break? Iwork just as hard (maybeharder) than the next guy.So why does he get thepromotion and I don’t?”Other people seem to getall the breaks. Do you everwonder why you alwaysseem to get stuck with theshort end of the stick?

I must confess that Ihave found it difficult to“rejoice with those whorejoice” (Rom. 12:15). Ingraduate school, it was hardto see others get largeanonymous checks in theirmailbox to pay their schoolbills when my box wasnoticeably empty. I wasworking a fulltime job topay for school and providefor my family. Thoserejoicing recipients didn’teven work. It didn’t seem

fair. It wasn’t. And that’shard to swallow. It raiseddoubts about what I wasdoing wrong and why Iwasn’t being blessed likethey were.

Life Is Hard. Doesn’t itseem as if your life is cursedat times? The truth is, it is!We are living under a curse (Gen. 3:14-19). Life is supposed to be difficult.It’s filled with modern-daythorns and thistles. Jesussaid there would be troublein our lives (Jn. 16:33).

Cars were a curse in myfamily. It seemed that assoon as we would get thetransmission repaired, thefuel pump would go out.Then it would be tires,brakes, a new radiator, andthen the muffler. And itwould invariably happenjust prior to vacation.

Although the selfishnessof others, the unfairness oflife, and living under acurse are all realities tocontend with, the Scriptures


also teach that the realsource of anger is internalrather than external.

Internal Sources OfAnger. Because of ouroutward focus on externalissues, we often fail torecognize that our anger iscaused by our realizationthat we are not gettingwhat we want when wewant it. Like an infant whois feeling the hunger pangsof an empty tummy anddemanding to have themsatisfied with food, we toofeel the pain of disappointeddesires.

Disappointed Desires.In James 4:1-3 we are toldwhy there is so much angryconflict in our lives:

What causes fights andquarrels among you?Don’t they come fromyour desires that battlewithin you? You wantsomething but don’t getit. You kill and covet, butyou cannot have whatyou want. You quarrel

and fight. You do nothave, because you do notask God. When you ask,you do not receive,because you ask withwrong motives, that youmay spend what you geton your pleasures.It is the desires that

battle within us that fuelour conflicts. We wantsomething that reallymatters to us. Somethinggets in our way andprevents us from gettingwhat we want. And we getangry about it.

God has created us withthe desire for love andrespect, and with a longingto be enjoyed and to knowthat we matter. All of thelesser desires for a new car, a raise, a nicer house,a spouse, a child, or betterhealth are all linked tothese core desires for love and relationship.Ultimately, the desires thatbattle within us are thosethings we believe we must


have to survive in life.Take Bill, for example.

He wants a new car. There’snothing wrong with that,but he wants it because hethinks he needs it to feel heis finally successful as abusinessman. He asks Godfor it. He finds a nice sportyred one. He’s excited. Heapplies for a loan and getsturned down because hedoesn’t make enough money.So he asks God for a raise,but his boss says no. Billfeels angry with his boss,the bank, and with himselfbecause his goal of gettingthat car has been blocked.Disappointment isappropriate. But Bill’s anger indicates that the car meant more to him than it should have.

But what if our desiresare not as trivial as a newcar? The body’s demand forrest, the longing for love,the desire for respect, andthe hunger to make adifference are indeed

legitimate. These are basiclongings of the human bodyand heart. They cry out forsatisfaction. But in animperfect world of self-centered people, even thoselegitimate desires will neverbe fully satisfied by the bestof relationships or by thebest of circumstances. Thuswe live in a painful world as hurting people withdisappointed desires. And at times we are terrified.

Dreaded Fear. The fearthat grips our hearts is afear that grows out of a lackof faith and confidence thatGod is really who He saysHe is: “That He exists andthat He rewards those who earnestly seek Him”(Heb. 11:6). The painfulexperiences of life reinforcethe belief that no one,including God Himself,seems to have enoughgoodness and strength toprovide the level of safetyand security we desire.

Once we eliminate God


from the picture, we mustfind some way to survivein this world. So we takematters into our own handsand look to others aroundus to get what we want.And when we do, we becomeidolaters. Because we can’tcontrol God, we fashion agod of our own making thatwe think we can control.We become like Cain,angry rebels who hate God (Jas. 4:4).

Determined Rebellion.In our angry rebellionagainst God, we look toothers to provide what onlyGod can supply—security inan insecure world. But ourfear is intensified. We don’tfeel more secure now thatwe’re in charge. We feel lesssecure. We fear that wedon’t have what it takes tomake it on our own. So weneed others to agree withour plans. But we fear theywon’t cooperate and give uswhat we want. We see otherpeople as having the power

to make or break our plansfor life. And when they fail to cooperate with ouragenda, when they blockour way, we become enragedwith them because they area threat to our fragile sense of security. We alsoget angry with ourselvesbecause we feel weak inneeding anybody.

To compensate for ourfear of what others can andwould do to us if they reallyknew how insecure anddesperate we are, we makeangry demands of others in hopes that we canintimidate them intocooperating with us.

Unfulfilled Demands.Our angry rebellion againstGod forces us to demandthat others fill in for Him.When others fail us, as theyinevitably will, unfulfilleddemands give rise to angrybattles.

James said that havingself-indulgent motives is thereason we don’t receive the


things we ask from God(Jas. 4:3). Most of what weask for has nothing to dowith a deepening desire totrust God and serve othersmore effectively. Most of thetime, our desire is not tohave our hearts possessed,ruled, and provided for byGod, but rather to havesomething of His creationthat we think is necessaryfor our well-being. Whensomeone or somethingblocks that desire, angerflares up. Anger hurts lessthan our fear and helps todull the pain because itmakes us feel more incontrol. But God is notinterested in encouragingthe illusion that a worldunder our control would besafer than a world underHis control.

Asking God to meet ourneeds is one thing. He urgesus to bring to Him thedesires of our heart. Butwhen those desires, nomatter how legitimate,

become demands, then weunwittingly change frompleading children intoarrogant rebels who areagainst God and out forourselves.

The solution for ouranger, then, requires agrowing and deepeningconfidence in the presence and promises of One we cannot see.We must, through thedisappointments, losses,and maddening frustrationsof life, learn to believe thatour well-being lies not inour demands but in Hishands. We must be changedfrom within by theconviction that He is withus, that He knows what weneed, that He alone is ableto provide for us, and thatnothing is more importantthan learning to trust Himin this imperfect andfrightening world.


What Does Our Anger DoFor Us?

MMost of us wouldprobably agreethat much of our

anger is wrong and shouldbe avoided. But if we hateour anger as much as wesay we do, why do we hangon to it? The answer, inpart, is that we cling to itbecause we fail to recognizethe purpose behind ourantagonistic strategies. It iswhat we believe our angerdoes for us that keeps ushanging on to it.

We nurture our angerbecause, consciously orunconsciously, we believe it functions for us in thesethree ways: (1) It protectsus from additional pain,(2) it deflects responsibilityaway from our inadequatelove for others, and (3) it keeps people at amanageable distance toensure that we don’t have

to risk giving our hearts toothers and get hurt in theprocess. Let’s look at each of these functions of angerindividually.

1. Self-protection. I hate going to the dentistbecause I hate pain. But Istill go to the dentist. And Ieven pay him to hurt me bydrilling out a cavity. Why?Because I hate the thoughtof more pain. If I refuse todeal with a little pain now,I will have to deal withgreater pain later when thedecay in my tooth reachesthe nerve. This is thewisdom of preventivedentistry.

So how do I live as anemotional being in a worldthat provides a regular dose of pain every day?Rather than facing my pain(remember my disappointedlongings), I will often chooseto be angry because anger iseasier to control than painand disappointment. It’seasier for me to be angry


with my wife than to facethe ache of her coolindifference. It’s easier totell off my boss than to tellhim how much he hurt me.

What I’m telling othersby my anger is, “Don’texpect much from mebecause I’m too wounded tocare about you.” And when I expend all my energyprotecting myself, there’snothing left to protectothers from my failure to love them.

King Saul’s name issynonymous with such self-protective anger. Behind hisanger was his fear. He feltthreatened by the militarysuccesses and growing fameof David (1 Sam. 18:5-9).Saul felt sure that David’sintent was to steal thekingdom. Yet Saul’s realproblem was not with hisservant but with the Lord.He was told at one point bythe prophet Samuel that theLord had rejected him asking because of his

disobedience (15:22-29).Saul’s response

confirmed Samuel’s words.Instead of repentinghonestly of his sin andplacing himself in the hands of God, Saul adopteda murderous strategy ofself-protection (18:10-11).Determined to protect hisown self-interests, heremained David’s enemyuntil his death (v.29).

2. Deflection. Angeroften shows up when we are caught red-handed in awrong. Instead of feeling theweight of our sin andaccepting responsibility forour actions, we get angry.We use our anger as anoffensive weapon againstthose who expose andshame us. We try to turnthe tables on them to getthe attention off ourselves.We try to intimidate theminto accepting the message,“I’m not the problem here,you are!”

King Saul also


demonstrated the deflectiveuse of anger. When his planto trap and kill David at aNew Moon feast was foiled,he became furious with hisson Jonathan, whoattempted to make anexcuse for David’s absence.Instead of acknowledgingthat his evil plot had beenfrustrated, Saul lashed outwith vicious words meant toshamefully shred the heartof his son: “You son of aperverse and rebelliouswoman! Don’t I know thatyou have sided with the sonof Jesse to your own shameand to the shame of themother who bore you?”(1 Sam. 20:30). Saul’s cruelremarks were designed todeflect the spotlight fromhimself toward his sonwhom he labeled as atraitor and a fool.

3. Distancing. Angercan also be used in anattempt to make sure thatothers don’t get closeenough to discover our

weakness. Like porcupines,we use barbs of antagonismand intimidation to keepothers at a distance, therebyprotecting the soft flesh ofour own insecurities orflaws.

Think of the people youfind intimidating. Maybe it’s your boss, your father, oryour spouse. Often they arepeople who use anger tocreate space for themselves.They may come across asstrong and confident. Butunderneath the bravadothey are weak. They can’tafford to allow anyone to get close enough to see theirfear or their insecurity.

While King Saul is anOld Testament example ofanger, King Herod is anotorious New Testamentexample. He too used hisrage for purposes of self-protection. Behind theangry show of force was aterrified, weak personattempting to create amargin of safety for himself.


His paranoid fearsurrounding the birth of the King of the Jews ledhim to order the slaughterof hundreds of Jewish babyboys 2 years old and underaround Bethlehem (Mt.2:16). With similar anxiety,he mercilessly murdered hiswife and all his sons for fearthat they would kill him totake his throne. It was saidin his day that it was betterto be a pig in Israel thanone of Herod’s sons becauseyou had a better chance ofsurvival. Herod trusted noone but himself. He had noconcept of the security thatis found in God.

The self-protective,deflecting, and distancingfunctions of anger can feellike they are working for us. As a result, we mightblindly hang on till death.King Saul relied on hisanger until his dying day.And in the end, he chose todie as he lived—a cowardwho refused to face his pain

by ending his own life (1 Sam. 31:4). His angrycommitment to controllinghis world cost himeverything. He died aloneand unloved.

What Are The Ways We MishandleAnger?

TThe Scriptures teachthat the problemwith most of us is

that we are too quicklyangered, and that once ouranger is ignited it ragesmore like an untamed forestfire than a campfire. Jamesmade it clear that our hot-tempered anger doesn’taccomplish God’s purposesin our lives: “Everyoneshould be quick to listen,slow to speak, and slow tobecome angry, for man’sanger does not bring aboutthe righteous life that Goddesires” (Jas. 1:19-20).


When we take our angerinto our own hands, we endup destroying others orourselves, and usually both.Ultimately, selfish angerdirected toward others willlead to various degrees ofmurderous activity towardthose whom we feel havethreatened, hurt, belittled,shamed, or controlled us(Mt. 5:21-22). “Get in myway, and you’ll pay” is ourmotto. Anger directedtoward ourselves will fuelsuicidal kinds of behaviorthat strip vitality from life.Either way, anger handledour way always results indevastating destruction.

1. Repression. Welearn early in life that angeris a frightening emotion. Sowe work to avoid it at allcosts. Most often, we end uppretending we are not angryin hopes that it will go awayand no one will get hurt.After all, we reason, anger isnot socially acceptable in mychurch, home, or workplace.

When a child grows up in a home where she isregularly subjected to angry,demeaning outbursts fromher alcoholic father towardher mother, she learns thatanger is viciously cruel. Shevows that she will neverbecome like him. So shestuffs her feelings insideand marries a weak manwho is emotionally dead andvery nonthreatening to her.In later life, this woman willprobably end up depressedbecause of his lack ofmeaningful involvement.Her way to try to protectherself failed to bring herthe joy she had hoped for.

Much of the depressionsuffered by individualstoday is a result of anger.Many depressed peoplehave chosen to shut downand no longer engage withtheir world because theyhave discovered that alltheir best efforts to makelife work on their termshave failed. Nothing works


to give them what theydeeply desire, so they quit.It’s hopeless.

That’s a description ofthe prophet Jonah at theend of the Old Testamentbook bearing his name (Jon. 4:1-10). He wantedGod to destroy the city ofNineveh. Instead, Godspared it. Jonah was angry with God. He waspreoccupied with his agendaand completely missed thecompassionate heart of theGod of Israel. The prophet’sdepression was fueled by his obsession with his ownneeds, which blinded him tothe needs of others.

Those who stuff theiranger say that feelings onlyclutter up their lives andmake it too messy. So thebest way to handleemotions, especiallysomething as volatile asanger, is to swallow hardand pretend. “After all,that’s just the way thingsare in our house. It’s not a

big deal. Don’t make afederal case out of it.” Theseare common responses fromstuffers. After a while, theyend up feeling nothing atall—neither pain nor joy.Emotional deadness isapplauded as being“emotionally stable.”Eventually they becomemannequin-like automatonswho function well but touchno one deeply.

2. Quick AndShallow Confession.Very close to repression, thismishandling of anger tooquickly and easily says, “I’msorry. I know I shouldn’t feelangry. It’s sin and it’swrong. Please forgive me.”All too often it is the quick-confession mentality thatdoesn’t want to take thetime to understand wherethe volcanic energy of one’sanger comes from or what itis directed toward.

Yes, we are to get rid ofall bitterness, rage, andanger (Eph. 4:31; Col. 3.8).


But to assume that we can simply will away an emotion with sheer determination isfoolishness. What we need is to explore our anger andexpose its roots.

3. VolcanicExpression. Outbursts ofanger are aided by the myththat says, “If you want to bereal, you must be honestabout your feelings. Don’thold back. Let the worldknow what you are feeling.To get rid of the pressurethat is building up inside ofyou, go ahead and get itout.”

While we must learn toexpress our feelings, suchexpression must be donewith discernment andregard for others. Those whoexpress anger without loveare “emotional dumpers.”They back up theirtruckload of emotionalgarbage and unload it allover your front lawn.

God never gives us the

luxury of expressing ouremotions without regard for damages (Eph. 4:29).In fact, the prophet Amosrecorded God’s outrageagainst those who ventedtheir anger withoutcompassion:

This is what the Lordsays: “For three sins ofEdom, even for four, Iwill not turn back Mywrath. Because hepursued his brother witha sword, stifling allcompassion, because hisanger raged continuallyand his fury flamedunchecked, I will sendfire upon Teman that willconsume the fortresses ofBozrah” (Amos 1:11).God alone is in a

position to express vengeful judgment. Healone is patient and lovingand perfect enough to beable to use anger to givepeople the punishment theydeserve. That is why Paultold us, “Do not take


revenge, my friends, butleave room for God’s wrath,for it is written: ‘It is mineto avenge; I will repay,’ saysthe Lord” (Rom. 12:19).

Now that we have seenhow not to handle ouranger, we can move towardconstructive ways of dealingwith our anger.

How Can WeHandle OurAnger In GodlyWays?

1. AcknowledgeYour Anger To God.Don’t pretend that you don’tget angry. We all do. Don’twater down your anger bylabeling it as “frustration”or “irritation.” Call it whatit is. Be honest withyourself, and then with God.He knows anyway (Jer.17:10; Heb. 4:12). Pour outyour heart to Him and tellHim what you are feeling.Many of the psalms of

David begin as a prayer toGod expressing the fear andanger he was feeling.

2. Learn To GetAngry Slowly. Angrywords spoken quickly areusually regretted later. Taketime to make sure that youhave good reason to beangry. Learn to avoidjumping to unwarrantedconclusions. Listen and askquestions. Second-guessyour own reactions. Thereare many good reasons whyJames told us to be quick tolisten, slow to speak, andslow to get angry (Jas. 1:19).One of the best reasons isthat God Himself is slow toget angry, and our goal inlife is to let Him formChristlike character in us.

King David, who knewabout anger, said, “In youranger do not sin; when youare on your beds, searchyour hearts and be silent”(Ps. 4:4). Use moments ofsolitude in your life toreflect prayerfully on


your anger. Examine yourmotives. Ask yourselfquestions like these:

• What did I feel angryabout today?

• Where is my angercoming from?

• Why did I feel sothreatened that Ibelieved my angerwas a justifiabledefense?

• Why is my anger sointense oversomething so small?

• Is my anger for thebenefit of another oris it directed againstanother?

• Did my anger furtherGod’s interests or myown interests?

• Did I provoke anger insomeone else today?

After having wrestledwith these questionsprivately, ask a trustedfriend to help you test yourthinking. In asking yourselfthese probing questions, youwill be forced to discern if

your anger wascharacteristic of Jesus’example of handling angeror more characteristic ofCain, Saul, or Jonah’shandling of anger.

Because Jesus wassecure in His relationshipwith His Father, the angerHe expressed did not reflectquick, touchy, self-protectivehostility. Rather, He wasangry with evil that wasagainst His Father’s planand that which threatenedto do harm to people whomHe loved. His anger wasaccompanied by grief, andits expression was shapedby love (Mt. 23:37).

3. Change YourBeliefs About God.Whether we realize it ornot, most of our feelings arebased on our deeply heldbeliefs about where life andsecurity and significanceare found. Our angerproblem is rooted not infeelings, but in what webelieve about God.


The challenge accordingto the New Testament,therefore, is not to change our feelings but to change our thinking.In the awareness of whatGod has done for us (Rom.1–11) the apostle Paulurged us to be transformedby the renewing of ourminds (Rom. 12:2). In time, renewed patterns of thinking will result inchanged feelings.

All emotions, includinganger, are therefore usefulto help us track down thereal beliefs of our heart.Feelings of rage can be usedto begin to trace the roots ofthat antagonism. In theprocess we can discern ifthat anger is rooted in ourconfidence in God or if it isa self-centered responserooted in a selfish spiritdemanding that things goour way.

Whether we believe ourwell-being is in the hands ofGod, in our circumstances,

or in others is a most basicfactor in learning how todeal with anger.

4. Confess WrongBeliefs And Repent.This is not merely aconfession that you hadsinful, angry feelings. Itgoes much deeper, to thefaulty belief system thatfuels your anger. It meansrepenting of your stubborncommitment to survive inlife on your terms instead of on God’s terms. It meansrepenting of the angryresentment you have heldtoward Him for not doingthings your way. It meansrepenting of your belief thatHe really isn’t all that good,and that He can’t betrusted. And it meansrepenting of all the damageyour angry demands haveinflicted on God and onothers. This will most likelyinvolve reaching out tothose you’ve harmed withyour anger and asking forforgiveness (see the RBC


booklet When ForgivenessSeems Impossible CB941).

But repentance meansturning toward somethingas well. It means a consciouscommitment to walk byfaith and not by sight (2 Cor.5:7)—to recklessly abandonyourself into the loving armsof your heavenly Father, whodelights in giving good giftsto His children (Mt. 7:11;Jas. 1:17). It means choosingto live by the belief that Heexists, and that He doesreward those who diligentlyseek Him (Heb. 11:6), evenwhen things don’t turn outthe way you think theyshould (vv.35-40). It meanstrusting Him as the onlyprovision for your hungrysoul and believing that youhave nothing to fear becauseof your confidence in Hisabiding goodness and love(Ps. 23:4; 27:1-14).

When repentance takesplace at that deep level, theinsecurity will begin to meltaway and be replaced with

confidence. Angrydemandingness will becomerepulsive and unnecessary.Its power will weaken as itis replaced with the courageto love the way you havebeen loved. At that pointyou can begin to exercisecontrol over your anger.

5. Place Your Anger Under NewManagement. Whilewhat we feel cannot bedirectly changed, we canchange what we believe bysurrendering ourselves tothe Spirit and Word of God.Under His influence andenablement we will find ouranger increasingly shapedand restrained by a newkind of self-control. Theapostle Paul said this self-control is a fruit of theSpirit (Gal. 5:22-23).

Because God is slow toanger, we can expect thatwhen our life is under His management we will take on some of thesame qualities of patient


restraint. Because God’sheart was revealed to us inHis Son, we can also expectto begin growing in whatthe Bible calls “the mind ofChrist.”

Paul talked about havingthis mind of Christ when hewrote,“Each of you shouldlook not only to your owninterests, but also to theinterests of others” (Phil.2:4). The Son of God couldtake that attitude becauseHis security was not foundin circumstances orstrategies of self-protection.Instead, His confidence wasin the knowledge that what-ever He needed would beprovided at just the right

moment by His heavenlyFather.

Jesus could risk andsacrifice His own life forothers because He knewthat His future was not inthe hands of those whomocked Him and drovespikes into His hands andfeet. Their power over Himwas merely a temporaryallowance necessary forHim to live and die for those He loved.

Placing our anger andour well-being in the handsof God will help us betterunderstand this mind ofChrist. It will also help usdevelop a healthy fear of theanger that God reserves forHis enemies.

Placing our anger underGod’s management will notdissolve and evaporate allanger. But it will free us toexpress a new and godlyanger toward the kind of sin in ourselves and othersthat slowly angers the heart of God.

30

mUnder God’smanagement,

we will take onqualities of

patientrestraint.n


The UltimatePerspectiveOf Anger

AAday is coming whenthis world will seean outpouring of

the anger of God that willput all other anger inperspective. In that fatefulhour, the Son of God willunleash the justice andvengeance of His Fatheragainst all who haveattempted to find anddefend life on their ownterms (2 Th. 1:5-10).

The good news is that by believing the truth aboutGod’s Son and what He didfor us on a Roman cross,we can avoid that day ofconsuming judgment.The apostle John wrote,“Whoever believes in theSon has eternal life, butwhoever rejects the Son willnot see life, for God’s wrathremains on him” (Jn. 3:36).The offer is a gift inexchange for belief. It is not

a reward for performance.It is pure, undeservedkindness. Yet with the offeralso comes a warning.Hebrews 10:31 adds, “It is adreadful thing to fall intothe hands of the living God.”This applies to everyonewho knowingly resists thewill of God. But it has aspecial and eternal meaningfor those who persistentlyand stubbornly resist God’soffer of salvation.

How we respond to God’soffer will determine oureternal destiny. It will alsodetermine how we workthrough the more immediateissues of our own anger.

31

mHow werespond to

God’s offer willdetermine our

eternaldestiny.n


SUGGESTEDRESOURCES

The Anger Workbookby Les Carter, FrankMinirth, and Paul Meier(Thomas Nelson, 1993).

Getting The Best OfYour Anger by Les Carter(Baker Book House, 1997).

OTHER RELATEDRBC COUNSELINGBOOKLETS

When Help IsNeeded—a biblical view of counseling (CB931).

When Words Hurt—verbal abuse in marriage(CB011).

When Violence ComesHome—help for victims ofspouse abuse (CB951).

When ForgivenessSeems Impossible—knowing when and how to forgive (CB951).

When Hope Is Lost—dealing with depression(CB973).

The complete text of all the RBC counseling booklets is available atwww.discoveryseries.org.

32

Author Tim Jackson is alicensed counselor in Michiganand works in the RBC biblicalcorrespondence department.Managing Editor: David Sper

Cover Photo: Michael Forrest

Scripture quotations are from the NewInternational Version, ©1973, 1978, 1984,by the International Bible Society. Usedby permission of Zondervan Publishers.

©1994, 2002 RBC Ministries,Grand Rapids, MI. Printed in USA.


www.discoveryseries.org/catalog

USA: PO Box 2222, Grand Rapids, MI 49501-2222Canada: Box 1622, Windsor, ON N9A 6Z7

Get your free BibleResources catalog!

Discovery Series booklets can be valuable guides to help you learn what the Bible says about abroad range of topics.Each 32-page bookletcan be used in yourpersonal Bible study or in a small-group setting.

Your free BibleResources catalogincludes a brief

description of each Discovery Series booklet.To get your copy, write to us at the address belowand ask for a catalog. Or follow the link below torequest your copy today.

www.discoveryseries.org/catalog

Documents

When Anger Burns - Christians in Recoverychristians-in-recovery.org/attach/RBC/WhenAngerBurns.pdf · the most powerful emotions known to man—anger. Angela’s anger mushroomed to