Whatteensandothersaresayingabout

The7HABITS

ofHighlyEffectiveTEENS

“SeanCovey’sThe 7Habits ofHighly Effective Teens is a true gift for the‘teenage soul.’Nomatterwhat issues youmay be strugglingwith in life, thisbookoffershope,vision,andthestrengthtoovercomeyourchallenges.”

—JACK CANFIELD and KIMBERLY KIRBERGER, coauthors ofChickenSoupfortheTeenageSoul

“Thisisaneasy-to-understandbookfullofinterestingstories.IreallyrelatedtoSean’spersonalstoryaboutthefearofperforminginfrontofpeoplesinceIamaviolinist.I’msureteenagersaroundtheglobewillbeabletorelateaswell.”

—EMILYINOUYE,age14

“Sean Covey speaks to teenagers in a way that is both entertaining andthought-provoking.Hismessage offers teens a solid roadmap to a successfulfuture.Ihighlyrecommendit.”

—JOHNGRAY,authorofMenArefromMars,WomenArefromVenus

“The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens gives you new insight into themeaning of being powerfully successful. It teaches the importance of settinggoalsandstickingtotheminordertoachieveyourdreams.”

—PICABO STREET, member of the U.S. ski team and Olympic goldmedalist

“What?SeanCoveywroteabook?You’vegottobekidding!!”—Sean’shighschoolEnglishteacher

“Seanprovidesanappropriateadaptationoflifelongvaluesandprinciplesthatwhenembracedbyteenswillenrichtheirlivesearlierandlonger—verycool!!”

—MICKSHANNON,PresidentandCEO,Children’sMiracleNetwork

“The7HabitsofHighlyEffectiveTeensbySeanCoveyisatouchdown!Thesooneryoudevelopgood,stronghabits,themoreeffectiveyourlifewillbe.Thisbookwillhelpyoudojustthat.”

—STEVE YOUNG, quarterback, San Francisco 49ers, and NFL MostValuablePlayer

“The7HabitsofHighlyEffectiveTeens is a real-lifeguide tohelp teensbetheir best. Setting goals andwriting them down is one of themost importantthings you can do. Commit them to memory, stay focused, and develop thestaminatogothedistance.Ifyoudo,youcanachieveanygoalyouset.”

—TARALIPINSKI,U.S.figureskatingchampionand1998Olympicgoldmedalist

“Mysonwas21whenwediscoveredThe7HabitsofHighlyEffectivePeopleand used it to build a new relationship, which continues today—seven yearslater. If onlywe could roll back the clock towhen hewas 15, this new bookwould have saved us six years ofmiscommunication, frowns, and frustration.Dads,thisbookisyouropportunityaswellasyourchildren’s!”

—CLYDE FESSLER, Vice President, Business Development, Harley-DavidsonMotorCompany

“I used one of the stories from your book in a speech I gave at leadershipcampandithelpedmetobeelectedgovernor!ThanksSeanCovey!!!”

—LEISYOSWALD,age16

“SeanCoveyisfollowinginhisfather’sfootstepsinanimaginativewayasheshareshis teen experience in aCovey style—The7HabitsofHighlyEffectiveTeens.Lessonslearnedfromhisownexperiencemakethisauniqueguidebookforayoungergenerationlookingfordirection.”

—FRANCESHESSELBEIN,PresidentandCEO,theDruckerFoundation,andformerPresident,GirlScoutsofAmerica

“Thebestwayto‘makeithappen’inyourlifeistomaketherightchoicesasateen.The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens lets teens see themselves as theprincipal force in their lives, regardlessof theirbackgroundorcurrentwalkoflife.”

—STEDMANGRAHAM,authorofYouCanMakeItHappenandfounder

ofAthletesAgainstDrugs

“Our youth today are facing ills their parents and grandparents neverimagined.Theyaresearchingforanswers,andThe7HabitsofHighlyEffectiveTeensprovidesthetoolstoenablethemtofindthoseanswerswithinthemselves.Withthehelpoflovingparents,teachers,andfriends,mayourteensbeblessedtogrowtobehappy,healthy,contributingadults.”

—DR.ROBERTSCHULLER,authorofIfYouCanDreamIt,YouCanDoIt;ReverendoftheCrystalCathedralandHourofPower

“Sean Covey’s book should be read by every grandparent and be on everygrandparent’sgift list for the teenagers in theirextendedfamily.Hisprinciplescanspanthegenerationalcommunicationgapsthataretooprevalentintoday’ssociety.Moreover, his guidelines can turn the hearts of each generation to theothers. Grandparents will make a huge difference in the lives of theirgrandchildreniftheywillsupportCovey’sadviceforhelpingteenagersidentifytheirown‘principlecenters’fortheirdevelopinglives.”

—KIRKL.STROMBERG,Director,StrategicPlanningandDevelopment,AmericanAssociationofRetiredPersons(AARP)

“Sean’s‘can-do’examplesremindmeofhowimportantitistomakethemostofwhatIhave.Iplayalotofsports,thoughI’mnotabigkid.ThisbookhelpedmerealizethatIhavetorelyonmyspeedandmysmartsifIwanttoreachmygoals.”

—BRENTKUIK,age15

“Ifyouwanttowininthe‘gameoflife,’scoringisessential.The7HabitsofHighlyEffectiveTeensgivesteensagreatgameplanforachievingtheirdreams.Coveyoffersgreatinsightstohelpparentscoachtheirkidstoreachtheirhighestgoalsandovercomeanyobstaclestheymightencounter.”

—RICKPITINO,coachof theBostonCeltics andauthorofSuccess Is aChoice

“Howweliveourlivesisbasedonthevalueswebelievein.Thisbookwillhelp any teen, in a verypracticalway, build a life’s foundationonvalues thatcount.”

—DONALD G. SODERQUIST, Vice Chairman and COO, Wal-MartStores

“With all of the social ills in our society, what this world needs is moreteenagers who have a bright vision of the future, a willing spirit, and thedetermination tocontribute to their families, their schools,and thecommunity.SeanCovey’sbookteachesouryouthhowtodojustthat!”

—BOBGOODWIN,PresidentandCEO,PointsofLightFoundation

“Powerfulbutnotparental—animportantmessagedeliveringmuchmorethangood advice, it offers true direction to teens living in a challenging, complexworld. Covey offers sound, time-tested directionwithout sounding preachy orparental…packagingunquestionablewisdomintoafriendly,approachablebookthat will inspire trust and encourage teens to follow their hearts, rather thansimplyfollowthegroup.”

—PATRICKS.O’BRIEN,author;founderandPresident,MakingCollegeCount

“IfThe7Habits ofHighlyEffectiveTeens doesn’t help you, then youmusthaveaperfectlifealready.”

—JORDANMCLAUGHLIN,age17

“Weallhavedreamsinlifewewanttoachieveandwecanreachthesedreamsifwe’rewilling toalwaysgive100percent.Thisbook isan intensive trainingprogram for youth to grow and develop so they can become winners in thecompetitionoflife.”

—KRISTIYAMAGUCHI,U.S.Olympicfigureskatinggoldmedalist

“This book has many positive, inspirational, and motivational strategies tohelpteenagersliveuptotheirpotential.”

—LAURA C. SCHLESSINGER, Ph.D., author of Ten Stupid ThingsWomenDotoMessUpTheirLives

“The7HabitsofHighlyEffectiveTeensisawinner!Inmyyearsofcoachingyoungpeople,welearnedtogetherthatworkinghard,settinggoals,andhavingaclearvisionofyourdreamenablesyoutobesuccessful,evenwhenyoulose.”

—LOU HOLTZ, former head football coach at Notre Dame, the 1988nationalchampions,andsportsanalystofCBS’sCollegeFootballToday

“The7HabitsofHighlyEffectiveTeensisabreakthroughbookforteenagers.It enables them to realize how they can achieve their own personal victoriesthroughsettingthegoalsthatwillleadthemtothefulfillmentoftheirdreams.”

—HENRY MARSH, author of The Breakthrough Factor and four-timeOlympian

“The7HabitsofHighlyEffectiveTeens teachesteenagersbasicprinciples tobuild a solid foundation that will sustain them through life’s most difficultchallenges.Mostteensneedthisbook.Mostimportantofall,believeinGodandHiswillingnesstohelpyou—allyouhavetodoisask.It’scalledprayer.”

—THE REVEREND THEODORE M. HESBURGH, C.S.C., PresidentEmeritus,UniversityofNotreDame

“I have been juggling family, school activities, friends, and after-schoolresponsibilities.WhenIreadThe7HabitsofHighlyEffectiveTeensithelpedmebecome a more organized person. I used a lot of the cartoons to help merememberstoriesandexamples.”

—JOYDENEWELLIS,age18

“StephenCoveymustberightfullyproudofhissonSean,whoabsorbedhisfather’slessonswell.Thosewhowishtoavoidthetemptationsanddevastationofdrugs,includingalcohol,wouldbewisetoimplementThe7HabitsofHighlyEffectiveTeens.Written for teenagersbya recent teenhimself, thisbook is anindispensable tool for helping young people make the right choices whilegrowingupinthechaosofthenineties.Iwishtherehadbeenabooklikethisforthoseofuswhogrewupinthesixties!”

—CANDACE LIGHTNER, founder, MADD (Mothers Against DrunkDriving)

“Motivationisonlyapartofthegameoflife.Self-disciplineandself-controlarekeyinmakingyourdreamsreality.Thisbookoffersallthetoolsyouneedasateentobeachampioninlife.”

—MIAHAMM,member of the U.S. women’s national soccer team andFemaleAthleteoftheYear

“Whethertosinkinself-pityorswimintheoceanofknowledgeisachoiceweare calledupon tomake in life.Here is an excellentguide foryouth,byayouth,tomakelifemeaningful.”

—ARUN GANDHI, grandson of Mahatma Gandhi and founder of theGandhiInstitute

“The7HabitsofHighlyEffectiveTeenschallengesteenstobreakthroughthe

boundaryofbeing‘average’tobecometheirpersonalbest.Allteenscanachievetheirgoalsanddreamsiftheyhavethecouragetodowhatittakestoreachthem—thisbookshowsinclearexampleshowtheycandothis.”

—DAVECHECKETTS,PresidentandCEO,MadisonSquareGarden

“The7HabitsofHighlyEffectiveTeensisgold.InmycoachinglifebeforetheOlympics, I lovedworkingwithyouth and learningwith themand from themabout the importance of having dreams, setting goals to achieve them, andcelebratingthevictories.SeanCovey’sbookreinforcesjustthatmessage!”

—DICKSCHULTZ,ExecutiveDirector,U.S.OlympicCommittee

“The inspiring examples from real-life problems that teenagers like myselfdealwitheveryday,andtheirexperiencesandsituations,havehelpedmemakelifesavingdecisions.Ihighlyrecommendthisbooktoanyteenager.”

—JEREMYSOMMER,age19

“The teens in our world ‘deserve this break today’! Sean Covey’s The 7Habits of Highly Effective Teens teaches youth everywhere to be industrious,haveintegrity,andgivebacktofamilyandcommunity.Thisbookreinforcesthatourteenscanbethehopeforabetterworld.”

—MICHAELQUINLAN,CEOandChairman,McDonald’sCorporation

“This book really caught me by surprise! I’ve not put it down, and nearlycompleteditfivehoursafterreceivingit.Whatarefreshingthingtoseeawritertellthingsastheyare,withoutpreachingandwithreal-lifevalues.”

—DOUGLAS SPOTTED EAGLE, international recording artist andlecturer

“For a professional athlete, winning basketball games is important —butwinning at the game of life is even more important. The 7 Habits of HighlyEffectiveTeensprovidesagameplanforteenstobecometeamplayerswiththeirteammatesinlife,theirfamiliesandfriends.Itpresentsstrategiesforbecomingabetterall-aroundpersonandelevatingindividualskills.”

—SHERYLSWOOPES,women’sprofessionalbasketballplayer

“Today’steensarethefutureleadersofourfamilies,communities,andnation.The 7Habits of Highly Effective Teens teaches them the value of hard work,settingandachievinggoals,andtakingresponsibilityandinitiative,allofwhicharecharacteristicsofeffectiveleaders.”

—MICHAEL O. LEAVITT, Governor of Utah and Vice-Chairman,NationalGovernor’sAssociation

OtherBooksfromFranklinCoveyCo.

The7HabitsofHighlyEffectivePeople

Principle-CenteredLeadership

FirstThingsFirst

DailyReflectionsforHighlyEffectivePeople

FirstThingsFirstEveryDay

TheBreakthroughFactor

To Do … Doing … Done: A Creative Approach to ManagingProjectsandEffectivelyFinishingWhatMattersMost

ThePowerPrinciple

The10NaturalLawsofSuccessfulTimeandLifeManagement

TheNatureofLeadership

The7HabitsJournal

The7HabitsFamilyJournal

QuotesandQuips

The7HabitsofHighlyEffectiveFamilies

FIRESIDERockefellerCenter1230AvenueoftheAmericasNewYork,NY10020www.SimonandSchuster.com

Copyright©1998byFranklinCoveyCo.

Allrightsreserved,includingtherightofreproductioninwholeorpartinanyform.

ThisbookistheproprietaryworkofFranklinCoveyCo.Manytermsinthisbook, including the title, are trademarks of Franklin Covey Co. Anyunauthorized use of this copyrightedmaterial or use of any of these terms inrelation to goods and/or services (including seminars, workshops, trainingprograms,classes, etc.) isprohibitedwithout theexpresswrittenpermissionoftheowner.

FIRESIDEandcolophonareregisteredtrademarksofSimon&SchusterInc.

DesignedandillustratedbyRaeberGraphicsInc.

ManufacturedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica

706968676665646362

LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataisavailable.

ISBN-13:978-0-684-85609-4ISBN-10:0-684-85609-3eISBN-13:978-1-416-59586-1

Lyricexcerptsof“You’veGotToBeCarefullyTaught”byRichardRodgersandOscarHammersteinII(page192):

Copyright©1949byRichardRodgersandOscarHammersteinIICopyright Renewed.WILLIAMSONMUSIC owner of publication and alliedrights throughout the world. International Copyright Secured. Reprinted byPermission.AllRightsReserved.

TOMOMFORALLTHELULLABIESANDLATE-NIGHTTALKS

What’sInside

PartI–TheSet-up

GetintheHabitTheyMakeYouorBreakYouParadigmsandPrinciplesWhatYouSeeIsWhatYouGet

PartII–ThePrivateVictory

ThePersonalBankAccountStartingwiththeManintheMirrorHabit1–BeProactiveIAmtheForceHabit2–BeginwiththeEndinMindControlYourOwnDestinyorSomeoneElseWillHabit3–PutFirstThingsFirstWillandWon’tPower

PartIII–ThePublicVictory

TheRelationshipBankAccountTheStuffThatLifeIsMadeOfHabit4–ThinkWin-WinLifeIsanAll-You-Can-EatBuffetHabit5–SeekFirsttoUnderstand,ThentoBeUnderstoodYouHaveTwoEarsandOneMouth…Hel-lo!

Habit6–SynergizeThe“High”Way

PartIV–Renewal

Habit7–SharpentheSawIt’s“MeTime”KeepHopeAlive!Kid,You’llMoveMountains

AcknowledgmentsInfoCentral50GreatBooksforTeensBibliographyIndexAboutFranklinCoveyCo

WhoamI?

Iamyourconstantcompanion.Iamyourgreatesthelperorheaviestburden.Iwillpushyouonwardordragyoudown

tofailure.Iamcompletelyatyourcommand.Halfthethingsyoudoyoumightjustas

wellturnovertomeandIwillbeabletodothemquicklyandcorrectly.

Iameasilymanaged—youmustmerelybefirmwithme.Showmeexactlyhowyou

wantsomethingdoneandafterafewlessonsIwilldoitautomatically.Iamtheservantofallgreatindividualsand,alas,ofallfailures,aswell.Thosewhoaregreat,Ihavemadegreat.Thosewhoarefailures,

Ihavemadefailures.

Iamnotamachine,thoughIworkwithalltheprecisionofamachineplustheintelligenceofahuman.Youmayrunmeforaprofitorrunmeforruin—it

makesnodifferencetome.

Takeme,trainme,befirmwithme,andIwillplacetheworldatyourfeet.BeeasywithmeandIwilldestroyyou.

WhoamI?

PARTI

TheSet-up

GetintheHabitTheyMakeYouorBreakYou

ParadigmsandPrinciplesWhatYouSeeIsWhatYouGet

GetintheHabit

THEYMAKEYOUORBREAKYOU

Welcome!MynameisSeanandIwrote thisbook. Idon’tknowhowyougotit.Maybeyourmomgaveittoyoutoshapeyouup,Ormaybeyouboughtitwithyourownmoneybecause the title caught your eye.Regardlessof how itlandedinyourhands,I’mreallygladitdid.Nowyoujustneedtoreadit

Alotofteensreadbooks,butIwasn’toneofthem.(IdidreadseveralCliffsNotes book summaries, however.) So if you’re likeme, youmay be ready toshelvethisbook.Butbeforeyoudothat,hearmeout.Ifyoupromisetoreadthisbook,I’llpromisetomakeitanadventure.Infact,tokeepitfun,I’vestuffeditfullofcartoons,cleverideas,greatquotes,andincrediblestoriesaboutrealteensfromallovertheworld…alongwithafewothersurprises.Sowillyougiveitatry?Okay?Okay!

Wefirstmakeourhabits,

thenourhabitsmakeus.

ENGLISHPOET.

Now, back to the book. This book is based on another book that my dad,Stephen R. Covey, wrote several years ago entitled The 7 Habits of HighlyEffective People. Surprisingly, that book has become one of the best-sellingbooks of all time. He owes a lot of the credit for its success to me and mybrothersandsisters,however.Yousee,wewerehisguineapigs.Hetriedoutallof his psycho experiments onus, and that’swhymybrothers and sisters have

majoremotionalproblems(justkidding,siblings).Luckily,Iescapeduninjured.SowhydidIwritethisbook?Iwroteitbecauselifeforteensisnolongera

playground.It’sajungleoutthere.AndifI’vedonemyjobright,thisbookcanbelikeacompasstohelpyounavigatethroughit.Inaddition,unlikemydad’sbook,whichwaswrittenforoldpeople(andcangetreallyboringattimes),thisbookwaswrittenespeciallyforteensandisalwaysinteresting.Although I’m a retired teenager, I remember what it was like to be one. I

could have sworn I was riding an emotional roller coaster most of the time.Lookingback,I’mactuallyamazedthatIsurvived.Barely.I’llneverforgetthetimeinseventhgradewhenIfirstfellinlovewithagirlnamedNicole.ItoldmyfriendClartotellherthatIlikedher(IwastooscaredtospeakdirectlytogirlssoIusedinterpreters).Clarcompletedhismissionandreturnedandreported.

“Hey,Sean,ItoldNicolethatyoulikedher.”“What’dshesay!?”Igiggled.“Shesaid,‘Ooohhh,Sean.He’sfat!’”Clar laughed. I was devastated. I felt like crawling into a hole and never

comingoutagain.Ivowedtohategirlsforlife.LuckilymyhormonesprevailedandIbeganlikinggirlsagain.I suspect that someof the struggles that teenshavesharedwithmearealso

familiartoyou:

“There’s toomuchtodoandnotenoughtime.I’vegotschool,homework,job,friends,parties,andfamilyontopofeverythingelse.I’mtotallystressedout.Help!”

“HowcanI feelgoodaboutmyselfwhenIdon’tmatchup?EverywhereIlookIamremindedthatsomeoneelseissmarter,orprettier,ormorepopular.Ican’thelpbutthink,‘IfIonlyhadherhair,herclothes,herpersonality,herboyfriend,thenI’dbehappy.’”

“Ifeelasifmylifeisoutofcontrol.”

“Myfamilyisadisaster.IfIcouldonlygetmyparentsoffmybackImightbeable to livemy life. It seems they’re constantlynagging,and I can’t everseemtosatisfythem.”

“I know I’m not living the way I should. I’m into everything— drugs,drinking,sex,younameit.ButwhenI’mwithmyfriends,Igiveinandjustdowhateveryoneelseisdoing.”

“I’vestartedanotherdiet.Ithinkit’smyfifthonethisyear.Ireallydowanttochange,butIjustdon’thavethedisciplinetostickwithit.EachtimeIstartanewdietIhavehope.Butit’susuallyonlyashorttimebeforeIblowit.AndthenIfeelawful.”

“I’mnotdoingtoowellinschoolrightnow.IfIdon’tgetmygradesupI’llnevergetintocollege.”

“I’mmoodyandgetdepressedoftenandIdon’tknowwhattodoaboutit.”

These problems are real, and you can’t turn off real life. So I won’t try.Instead,I’llgiveyouasetoftoolstohelpyoudealwithreallife.Whatarethey?The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens or, said another way, the sevencharacteristicsthathappyandsuccessfulteenstheworldoverhaveincommon.Bynow,you’reprobablywonderingwhatthesehabitsaresoImightaswell

endthesuspense.Heretheyare,followedbyabriefexplanation:

Habit1: BeProactiveTakeresponsibilityforyourlife.

Habit2: BeginwiththeEndinMindDefineyourmissionandgoalsinlife.

Habit3: PutFirstThingsFirstPrioritize,anddothemostimportantthingsfirst.

Habit4: ThinkWin-WinHaveaneveryone-can-winattitude.

Habit5: SeekFirsttoUnderstand,ThentoBeUnderstood

Listentopeoplesincerely.Habit6: Synergize

Worktogethertoachievemore.Habit7: SharpentheSaw

Renewyourselfregularly.

As the abovediagram shows, thehabits buildupon eachother.Habits 1, 2,and3dealwithself-mastery.Wecallitthe“privatevictory.”Habits4,5,and6dealwithrelationshipsandteamwork.Wecallitthe“publicvictory.”You’vegottogetyourpersonalact togetherbeforeyoucanbeagoodteamplayer.That’swhytheprivatevictorycomesbeforethepublicvictory.Thelasthabit,Habit7,isthehabitofrenewal.Itfeedsalloftheothersixhabits.The habits seem rather simple, don’t they? But just wait till you see how

powerfultheycanbe!Onegreatwaytounderstandwhatthe7Habitsareis tounderstandwhattheyarenot.Soherearetheopposites,or:

The7HabitsofHighlyDefectiveTeensHabit1:ReactBlame all of your problems on your parents, your stupid teachers or

professors,yourlousyneighborhood,yourboy-orgirlfriend,thegovernment,orsomethingorsomebodyelse.Beavictim.Takeno responsibility foryour life.Actlikeananimal.Ifyou’rehungry,eat.Ifsomeoneyellsatyou,yellback.Ifyoufeellikedoingsomethingyouknowiswrong,justdoit.

Habit2:BeginwithNoEndinMindDon’thaveaplan.Avoidgoalsatallcosts.Andneverthinkabouttomorrow.

Whyworryabouttheconsequencesofyouractions?Liveforthemoment.Sleeparound,getwasted,andpartyon,fortomorrowwedie.

Habit3:PutFirstThingsLastWhatever is most important in your life, don’t do it until you have spent

sufficienttimewatchingreruns,talkingendlesslyonthephone,surfingtheNet,andloungingaround.Alwaysputoffyourhomeworkuntiltomorrow.Makesurethatthingsthatdon’tmatteralwayscomebeforethingsthatdo.

Habit4:ThinkWin-LoseSeelifeasaviciouscompetition.Yourclassmateisout togetyou,soyou’d

better get himor her first.Don’t let anyone else succeed at anythingbecause,remember,if theywin,youlose.If it lookslikeyou’regoingtolose,however,makesureyoudragthatsuckerdownwithyou.

Habit5:SeekFirsttoTalk,ThenPretendtoListenYou were born with a mouth, so use it.Make sure you talk a lot. Always

expressyoursideofthestoryfirst.Onceyou’resureeveryoneunderstandsyourviews,thenpretendtolistenbynoddingandsaying“uh-huh.”Or,ifyoureallywanttheiropinion,giveittothem.

Habit6:Don’tCooperateLet’s face it, other people areweird because they’re different fromyou. So

why try to get alongwith them?Teamwork is for thedogs.Sinceyou alwayshavethebestideas,youarebetteroffdoingeverythingbyyourself.Beyourownisland.

Habit7:WearYourselfOutBesobusywith life thatyounever take time to renewor improveyourself.

Neverstudy.Don’tlearnanythingnew.Avoidexerciseliketheplague.And,forheaven’s sake, stay away from good books, nature, or anything else thatmay

inspireyou.

Asyoucansee,thehabitslistedabovearerecipesfordisaster.Yetmanyofusindulgeinthem…regularly(meincluded).And,giventhis,it’snowonderthatlifecanreallystinkattimes.

•WHATEXACTLYAREHABITS?Habitsare thingswedorepeatedly.Butmostof the timewearehardly

awarethatwehavethem.They’reonautopilot.Somehabitsaregood,suchas:

•Exercisingregularly•Planningahead•Showingrespectforothers

Somearebad,like:•Thinkingnegatively•Feelinginferior•Blamingothers

Andsomedon’treallymatter,including:•Takingshowersatnight•Eatingyogurtwithafork•Readingmagazinesfrombacktofront

Dependingonwhattheyare,ourhabitswilleithermakeusorbreakus.Webecomewhatwerepeatedlydo.AswriterSamuelSmilesputit:

Sowathought,andyoureapanact;Sowanact,andyoureapahabit;

Sowahabit,andyoureapacharacter;Sowacharacter,andyoureapadestiny.

Luckily,youarestronger thanyourhabits.Therefore,youcanchange them.Forexample,tryfoldingyourarms.Nowtryfoldingthemintheoppositeway.How does this feel? Pretty strange, doesn’t it? But if you folded them in theoppositewayforthirtydaysinarow,itwouldn’tfeelsostrange.Youwouldn’tevenhavetothinkaboutit.You’dgetinthehabit.Atanytimeyoucanlookyourselfinthemirrorandsay,“Hey,Idon’tlikethat

aboutmyself,”andyoucanexchangeabadhabitforabetterone.It’snotalwayseasy,butit’salwayspossible.Not every idea in this book will work for you. But you don’t have to be

perfecttoseeresults,either.Justlivingsomeofthehabitssomeofthetimecanhelpyouexperiencechangesinyourlifeyouneverthoughtpossible.

The7Habitscanhelpyou:•Getcontrolofyourlife•Improveyourrelationshipswithyourfriends•Makesmarterdecisions•Getalongwithyourparents•Overcomeaddiction•Defineyourvaluesandwhatmattersmosttoyou•Getmoredoneinlesstime•Increaseyourself-confidence•Behappy•Findbalancebetweenschool,work,friends,andeverythingelse

Onefinalpoint.It’syourbook,souseit.Getoutapencil,pen,orhighlighterandmark it up.Don’t be afraid to underline, highlight, or circle your favoriteideas.Takenotes in themargins.Scribble.Reread the stories that inspireyou.Memorizethequotesthatgiveyouhope.Trydoingthe“babysteps”attheendof each chapter, which were designed to help you start living the habitsimmediately.You’llgetalotmoreoutofthebookifyoudo.YoumayalsowanttocallorvisitsomeofthehotlinesandWebsitesIhave

listedatthebackofthebookforadditionalhelporinformation.Ifyou’rethekindofreaderwholikestoskiparoundlookingforcartoonsand

otherinterestingtidbits,that’sjustfine.Butatsomepointyououghttoreadthebookfromstarttofinish,becausethe7Habitsaresequential.Theyallbuildoneachother.Habit1comesbeforeHabit2(andsoon)forareason.Sowhatdoyousay?Makemydayandreadthisbook!

COMINGATTRACTIONS

Upnext,we’lltakealookattenofthedumbeststatementsevermade.Youdon’twanttomissthem.Soreadon!

ParadigmsandPrinciplesWHATYOUSEEISWHATYOUGET

Thefollowingisalistofstatementsmademanyyearsagobyexpertsintheirfields.Atthetimetheyweresaidtheysoundedintelligent.Withthepassingoftime,theysoundidiotic.

Top10All-TimeStupidQuotes:10. “There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in theirhome.”

KENNETH OLSEN, PRESIDENT AND FOUNDER OF DIGITAL EQUIPMENTCORPORATION,IN1977

9.“Airplanesareinterestingtoysbutofnomilitaryvalue.”MARSHALFERDINANDFOCH,FRENCHMILITARYSTRATEGISTANDFUTUREWORLDWARICOMMANDER,IN1911

8. “[Man will never reach the moon] regardless of all future scientificadvances.”

DR. LEE DE FOREST, INVENTOR OF THE AUDION TUBE AND FATHER OFRADIO,ONFEBRUARY25,1967

7“[Television]won’tbe‘abletoholdontoanymarketitcapturesafterthefirst six months. People will soon get tired of staring at a plywood boxeverynight.”

DARRYLF.ZANUCK,HEADOF20THCENTURY-FOX,IN1946

BetterKeepyourselfcleanandbright;youarethe

windowthroughwhichyouseethewholeworld.

GEORGEBERNARDSHAWENGLISHPLAYWRIGHT

6.“Wedon’tliketheirsound.Groupsofguitarsareonthewayout.”

DECCARECORDSREJECTINGTHEBEATLES,IN19625.“Forthemajorityofpeople,theuseoftobaccohasabeneficialeffect.”

DR. IAN G. MACDONALD, LOS ANGELES SURGEON, AS QUOTED INNEWSWEEK,NOVEMBER18,1969

4.“This‘telephone’hastoomanyshortcomingstobeseriouslyconsideredasameansofcommunication.Thedeviceisinherentlyofnovaluetous.”

WESTERNUNIONINTERNALMEMO,IN18763.“Theearthisthecenteroftheuniverse.”

PTOLEMY,THEGREATEGYPTIANASTRONOMER,INTHESECONDCENTURY

2.“Nothingofimportancehappenedtoday.”WRITTENBYKINGGEORGEIIIOFENGLANDONJULY4,1776

1.“Everythingthatcanbeinventedhasbeeninvented.”CHARLESH.DUELL,U.S.COMMISSIONEROFPATENTS,IN1899

Havingreadthese, letmesharewithyouanother listofstatementsmadebyrealteensjustlikeyou.You’veheardthembefore,andtheyarejustasridiculousasthelistabove.

“Nooneinmyfamilyhasevergonetocollege.I’dbecrazytothinkIcouldmakeit”

“It’snouse.MystepdadandIwillnevergetalong.We’rejusttoodifferent.”

“Beingsmartisa‘white’thing.”

“Myteacherisouttogetme.”

“She’ssopretty—I’llbetshe’sajerk.”

“Youcan’tgetaheadinlifeunlessyouknowtherightpeople.”

“Me?Thin?Areyoukidding?Mywholefamilyisfulloffatpeople.”

“It’simpossibletogetagoodjobaroundhere‘causenobodywantstohireateen.”

SoWhat’saPraradigm.What do these two lists of statements have in common? First, they are all

perceptions about the way things are. Second, they are all inaccurate orincomplete,eventhoughthepeoplewhosaidthemareconvincedthey’retrue.Anotherwordforperceptionsisparadigms[pair-a-dimes].Aparadigmisthe

wayyouseesomething,yourpointofview,frameofreference,orbelief.Asyoumayhavenoticed,ourparadigmsareoftenwayoff themark, and, as a result,theycreatelimitations.Forinstance,youmaybeconvincedthatyoudon’thavewhatittakestogetintocollege.But,remember,Ptolemywasjustasconvincedthattheearthwasthecenteroftheuniverse.Andthinkabouttheteenwhobelievesshecan’tgetalongwithherstepdad.If

thatisherparadigm,isshelikelytoevergetalong?Probablynot,becausethatbeliefwillholdherback.Paradigms are like glasses. When you have incomplete paradigms about

yourselforlifeingeneral,it’slikewearingglasseswiththewrongprescription.Thatlensaffectshowyouseeeverythingelse.Asaresult,whatyouseeiswhatyouget.Ifyoubelieveyou’redumb,thatverybeliefwillmakeyoudumb.Ifyoubelieveyoursisterisdumb,you’lllookforevidencetosupportyourbelief,findit,andshe’llremaindumbinyoureyes.Ontheotherhand,ifyoubelieveyou’resmart,thatbeliefwillcastarosyhueoneverythingyoudo.

AteennamedKristioncesharedwithmehowmuchshelovedthebeautyofthemountains.One day shewent to visit her eye doctor and, to her surprise,discoveredthathersightwasmuchworsethanshehadthought.Afterputtinginhernewcontacts,shewasastonishedathowwellshecouldsee.Assheputit,“I

realizedthatthemountainsandtreesandeventhesignsonthesideoftheroadhavemoredetail than I had ever imagined. Itwas the strangest thing. I didn’tknow how bad my eyes were until I experienced how good they could be.”That’softenthewayitis.Wedon’tknowhowmuchwe’remissingbecausewehavemessed-upparadigms.We have paradigms about ourselves, about other people, and about life in

general.Let’stakealookateach.

•PARADIGMSOFSELFStop right now and consider this question: Are your paradigms of yourself

helpingorhinderingyou?Whenmywife,Rebecca,was a junior atMadisonHighSchool in Idaho, a

sign-up sheet for the Miss Madison pageant was passed around in class.Rebecca, along with many other girls, signed up. Linda, who sat next toRebecca,passedwithoutsigning.“Signup,Linda,”insistedRebecca.“Oh,no.Icouldn’tdothat.”“Comeon.Itwillbefun.”“No,really.I’mnotthetype.”“Sureyouare.Ithinkyou’dbegreat!”chimedRebecca.RebeccaandotherscontinuedtoencourageLindauntilshefinallysigned.Rebecca didn’t think anything of the situation at the time. However, seven

yearslater,shereceivedaletterfromLindadescribingtheinnerstruggleshehadgonethroughthatdayandthankingRebeccaforbeingthesparkthathelpedherchangeher life.Lindarelatedhowshesufferedfromapoorself-imageinhighschoolandwasshockedthatRebeccawouldconsiderheracandidateforatalentpageant.ShehadfinallyagreedtosignupjusttogetRebeccaandtheothersoffherback.Linda said she was so uncomfortable about being in the pageant that she

contacted the pageant director the following day and demanded her name beremoved from the list. But, like Rebecca, the director insisted that Lindaparticipate.Reluctantly,Lindaagreed.Butthatwasallittook.Bydaringtoparticipateinaneventthatdemandedthe

bestinher,Lindabegantoseeherselfinanewlight.Inherletter,LindathankedRebecca from deep within for, in essence, taking off her warped glasses,shatteringthemagainstthefloor,andinsistingshetryonanewpair.Linda noted that although she hadn’t won a single title or award, she had

overcomeanevenbiggerobstacle:herlowperceptionofherself.Becauseofherexample, her two younger sisters participated in the pageant in later years. Itbecameabigthinginherfamily.The following year Linda became a student body officer, and, as Rebecca

relates,developedavivaciousandoutgoingpersonality.Linda experienced what is called a “paradigm shift.” It means that you

suddenlyseethingsinanewway,asifyoujusttriedonanewpairofglasses.

Just as negative self-paradigms can put limitations on us, positive self-paradigmscanbringout thebest inus,as thefollowingstoryabout thesonofKingLouisXVIofFranceillustrates:

KingLouishadbeentakenfromhisthroneandimprisoned.Hisyoungson,theprince,wastakenbythosewhodethronedtheking.Theythoughtthatinasmuchas the king’s sonwasheir to the throne, if they coulddestroyhimmorally, hewouldneverrealizethegreatandgranddestinythatlifehadbestoweduponhim.

They took him to a community far away, and there they exposed the lad toevery filthy and vile thing that life could offer. They exposed him to foods therichness ofwhichwould quicklymake him a slave to appetite. They used vilelanguagearoundhimconstantly.Theyexposedhimtolewdandlustingwomen.They exposed him to dishonor and distrust. He was surrounded twenty-fourhoursadaybyeverythingthatcoulddragthesoulofamanaslowasonecouldslip.Foroversixmonthshehadthistreatment—butnotoncedidtheyoungladbuckleunderpressure.Finally,after intensive temptation, theyquestionedhim.Whyhadhenotsubmittedhimself to these things—whyhadhenotpartaken?

Thesethingswouldprovidepleasure,satisfyhislusts,andweredesirable;theywereall his.Theboy said,“I cannot dowhat youask for Iwasborn to beaking.”

PrinceLouisheldthatparadigmofhimselfsotightlythatnothingcouldshakehim.Inlikemanner,ifyouwalkthroughlifewearingglassesthatsay“Icandoit”or“Imatter,”thatbeliefwillputapositivespinoneverythingelse.At this point you may be wondering, “If my paradigm of myself is all

contorted,whatcanIdotofixit?”Onewayistospendtimewithsomeonewhobelievesinyouandbuildsyouup.Mymotherwassuchapersontome.WhenIwas growing up,mymom always believed inme, especially when I doubtedmyself. Shewas always saying stuff like “Sean, of course you should run forclasspresident,”and“Askherout. I’msure shewould justdie togooutwithyou.”WheneverIneededtobeaffirmedI’dtalktomymomandshe’dcleanmyglasses.Askanysuccessfulpersonandmostwilltellyouthattheyhadapersonwho

believed in them … a teacher, a friend, a parent, a guardian, a sister, agrandmother. It only takes one person, and it doesn’t really matter who it is.Don’tbeafraidtoleanonthispersonandtogetnourishedbythem.Gotothemforadvice.Trytoseeyourselfthewaytheyseeyou.Oh,whatadifferenceanewpairofglassescanmake!Assomeoneoncesaid,“Ifyoucouldenvisionthetypeof personGod intended you to be, youwould rise up and never be the sameagain.”Attimes,youmaynothaveanyonetoleanonandmayneedtogosolo.Ifthis

is thecasewithyou,payspecial attention to thenextchapter,whichwillgiveyousomehandytoolstohelpbuildyourself-image.

•PARADIGMSOFOTHERSWehaveparadigmsnotonlyaboutourselves,butalsoaboutotherpeople.

Andtheycanbewayoutofwhacktoo.Seeingthingsfromadifferentpointofviewcanhelpusunderstandwhyotherpeopleactthewaytheydo.Beckytoldmeaboutherparadigmshift:

Asajuniorinhighschool,IhadafriendnamedKim.Shewasessentiallyaniceperson,butastheyearprogressed,itbecamemoreandmoredifficulttoget alongwithher. Shewas easilyoffendedandoften felt left out. Shewasmoodyanddifficulttobearound.ItgottothepointwheremyfriendsandIstartedcallingherlessandless.Eventuallywestoppedinvitinghertothings.Iwas gone for a good part of the summer after that year, andwhen I

returnedIwastalkingtoagoodfriendofmine,catchinguponallthenews.Shewas tellingmeabout all thegossip, thedifferent romances,whowasdatingwho,andsoon,whensuddenlyshesaid,“Oh!DidItellyouaboutKim?She’sbeenhavingahard time latelybecauseherparentsaregoingthroughareallymessydivorce.She’stakingitreallyhard.”When I heard this, my whole perspective changed. Rather than being

annoyed by Kim’s behavior, I felt terrible about my own. I felt I haddeserted her in her time of need. Just by knowing that one little bit ofinformation,mywholeattitude towardherchanged. Itwas reallyaneye-openingexperience.

AndtothinkthatallittooktochangeBecky’sparadigmwasasmidgenofnewinformation.Wetoooftenjudgepeoplewithouthavingallthefacts.Monicahadasimilarexperience:

I used to live inCalifornia,where I had a lot of good friends. I didn’tcare about anybodynewbecause I already hadmy friends and I thoughtthatnewpeopleshoulddealwithitintheirownway.Then,whenImoved,Iwasthenewkidandwishedthatsomeonewouldcareaboutmeandmakemepartoftheirgroupoffriends.Iseethingsinaverydifferentwaynow.Iknowwhatitfeelsliketonothaveanyfriends.

Fromnowon,Monicawilltreatnewkidsontheblockverydifferently,don’tyouthink?Seeingthingsfromanotherpointofviewcanmakesuchadifferenceinourattitudetowardothers.

The following anecdote from Reader’s Digest (contributed by Dan P.Greyling)isaclassicexampleofaparadigmshift:

Afriendofmine,returning toSouthAfrica froma longstay inEurope,found herself with some time to spare at London’s Heathrow Airport.Buyingacupofcoffeeandasmallpackageofcookies,shestaggered,ladenwithluggage,toanunoccupiedtable.Shewasreadingthemorningpaperwhenshebecameawareofsomeonerustlingathertable.Frombehindherpaper, she was flabbergasted to see a neatly dressed youngman helpinghimself to her cookies. She did not want tomake a scene, so she leanedacrossandtookacookieherself.Aminuteorsopassed.Morerustling.Hewashelpinghimselftoanothercookie.By the time theyweredown to the last cookie in thepackage, shewas

veryangrybutstillcouldnotbringherselftosayanything.Thentheyoungmanbroke thecookie in two,pushedhalfacross toher,ate theotherhalfandleft.Sometimelater,whenthepublic-addresssystemcalledforhertopresent

her ticket, she was still fuming. Imagine her embarrassment when sheopened her handbag andwas confronted by her package of cookies. Shehadbeeneatinghis.

Considerthislady’sfeelingstowardtheneatlydressedyoungmanbeforetheturnofevents:“Whatarude,presumptiveyoungman.”Imagine her feelings after: “How embarrassing!? How kind of him to

sharehislastcookiewithme!”So what’s the point? It’s simply this. Our paradigms are often

incomplete, inaccurate,orcompletelymessedup.Therefore,weshouldn’tbesoquick to judge, label,or formrigidopinionsofothers,orourselves,forthatmatter.Fromourlimitedpointsofview,weseldomseethewholepicture,orhaveallthefacts.In addition,we should open ourminds and hearts to new information,

ideas,andpointsofview,andbewillingtochangeourparadigmswhenitbecomesclearthatthey’rewrong.Mostimportant,itisobviousthatifwewanttomakebigchangesinour

lives,thekeyistochangeourparadigms,ortheglassesthroughwhichweseetheworld.Changethelensandeverythingelsefollows.If you’ll look closely, you’ll find that most of your problems (with

relationships,self-image,attitude)aretheresultofamessed-upparadigmortwo.For instance, ifyouhaveapoor relationshipwith,say,yourdad, it’slikelythatbothofyouhaveawarpedparadigmofeachother.Youmayseehimasbeing totallyoutof touchwith themodernworld,andhemayseeyou as a spoiled, ungrateful brat. In reality, both of your paradigms areprobablyincompleteandareholdingyoubackfromrealcommunication.As you’ll see, this book will challenge many of your paradigms and,

hopefully, will help you createmore accurate and complete ones. So getready.

•PARADIGMSOFLIFEBesides having paradigms about ourselves and others, we also have

paradigms about the world in general. You can usually tell what yourparadigm is by asking yourself, “What is the driving force of my life?”“What do I spend my time thinking about?” “Who or what is myobsession?”Whateverismostimportanttoyouwillbecomeyourparadigm,your glasses, or, as I like to call it, your life-center. Some of the morepopular life-centers for teens includeFriends, Stuff,Boyfriend/Girlfriend,School, Parents, Sports/Hobbies, Heroes, Enemies, Self, andWork. Theyeach have their good points, but they are all incomplete in one way oranother,and,asI’mabout toshowyou, they’llmessyouupifyoucenteryourlifeonthem.Luckily,thereisonecenterthatyoucanalwayscounton.We’llsaveitforlast.

Friend-CenteredThere’snothingbetterthanbelongingtoagreatgroupoffriendsandnothing

worse than feeling like an outcast. Friends are important but should neverbecome your center. Why? Well, occasionally they’re fickle. Now and thenthey’refake.Sometimestheytalkbehindyourbackordevelopnewfriendshipsandforgetyours.Theyhavemoodswings.Theymove.Inaddition, ifyoubaseyour identityonhavingfriends,beingaccepted,and

beingpopular,youmayfindyourselfcompromisingyourstandardsorchangingthemeveryweekendtoaccommodateyourfriends.Believeitornot,thedaywillcomewhenfriendswillnotbethebiggestthing

in your life. During high school I had a fabulous group of friends. We dideverything together—swam in illegal canals, gorged at all-you-can-eat buffets,water-skied in thedark, dated eachother’s girlfriends…youname it. I lovedtheseguys.Ifeltthatwe’dbefriendsforever.

After graduating from high school and moving away, however, I’ve beenamazed at how seldom we see each other. We live far apart, and newrelationships, jobs,and family takeupour time.Asa teen, Inevercouldhavefathomedthis.Makeasmany friendsasyoucan,butdon’tbuildyour lifeon them. It’san

unstablefoundation.

Stuff-CenteredSometimeswe see theworld through the lens of possessionsor “stuff.”We

live in amaterialworld that teaches us that “Hewho dieswith themost toyswins.”Wehave tohave the fastestcar, thenicestclothes, the latest stereo, thebesthairstyle,andthemanyotherthingsthataresupposedtobringushappiness.Possessionsalsocomeintheformof titlesandaccomplishments,suchasheadcheerleader,leadintheplay,valedictorian,studentbodyofficer,chiefeditor,orMVP.There is nothingwrongwith accomplishing and enjoying our stuff, but we

shouldnevercenterourlivesonthings,whichintheendhavenolastingvalue.

Ourconfidenceneedstocomefromwithin,notfromwithout,fromthequalityofourhearts, not thequantity of thingsweown.After all, hewhodieswith themosttoys…stilldies.I once knew a girlwho had themost beautiful and expensivewardrobe I’d

ever seen. She seldomwore the same outfit twice. After getting to know herbetter, I began to notice that she got much of her self-confidence from herclothes and had a bad case of “elevator eyes.” It seemed that whenever shetalkedwithanothergirl,she’deyeherfromheadtofoottoseeifheroutfitwasasniceasherown,whichusuallygaveherasuperioritycomplex.Shewasstuff-centered,whichwasarealturnofftome.IreadasayingoncethatsaysitbetterthanIcan:“IfwhoIamiswhatIhave

andwhatIhaveislost,thenwhoamI?”

Boyfriend/Girlfriend-CenteredThis may be the easiest trap of all to fall into. I mean, who hasn’t been

centeredonaboyfriendorgirlfriendatonepoint?Let’spretendBradycentershis lifeonhisgirlfriend,Tasha.Now,watch the

instabilityitcreatesinBrady.

TASHA’SACTIONS BRADY’SREACTIONS

Makesarudecomment: “Mydayisruined.”FlirtswithBrady’sbestfriend: “I’vebeenbetrayed.

Ihatemyfriend.”“I think we should date other

people”:“My life is over. You don’t love me

anymore.”

The ironic thing is that themoreyoucenteryour lifeonsomeone, themoreunattractiveyoubecometothatperson.How’sthat?Well,firstofall, ifyou’recenteredonsomeone,you’renolongerhardtoget.Second,it’sirritatingwhensomeonebuildstheirentireemotionallifearoundyou.Sincetheirsecuritycomesfrom you and not from within themselves, they always need to have thosesickening“wheredowestand”talks.

ifwhoIamiswhatIhaveandwhatIhaveislost,thenwho

amI?ANONYMOUS

WhenIbegandatingmywife,oneof the things thatattractedmemostwasthat she didn’t center her life onme. I’ll never forget the time she turnedmedown(witha smileandnoapology) foravery importantdate. I loved it!Shewas her own person and had her own inner strength. Her moods wereindependentofmine.Youcanusually tellwhenacouplebecomescenteredoneachotherbecause

they are forever breaking up and getting back together. Although theirrelationship has deteriorated, their emotional lives and identities are sointertwinedthattheycanneverfullyletgoofeachother.Believeme,you’llbeabetterboyfriendorgirlfriendifyou’renotcenteredon

your partner. Independence is more attractive than dependence. Besides,centeringyourlifeonanotherdoesn’tshowthatyoulovethem,onlythatyou’redependentonthem.Haveasmanygirlfriendsorboyfriendsasyou’dlike,justdon’tgetobsessed

with or centered on them, because, although there are exceptions, theserelationshipsareusuallyaboutasstableasayo-yo.

School-CenteredAmongteens,centeringone’slifeonschoolismorecommonthanyoumight

think.Lisa,fromCanada,regretsbeingschool-centeredforsolong:

I have been so ambitious and so school-centered that I haven’t enjoyedmyyouth. Ithasnotonlybeenunhealthy formyself—but it’sbeenselfish,becauseallIcaredaboutwasmeandmyachievements.As a seventh grader I was alreadyworking as hard as a college student. I

wantedtobeabrainsurgeon,justbecauseitwasthehardestthingIcouldthinkof. Iwould get up at six everymorning all through school and not go to bedbeforetwoA.M.inordertoachieve.Ifeltteachersandpeersexpecteditofme.TheywouldalwaysbesurprisedifI

didn’t get perfect grades. My parents tried to loosen me up, but my ownexpectationswereasgreatasthatofteachersandpeers.IrealizenowthatIcouldhaveaccomplishedwhatIwantedwithouttryingso

hard,andIcouldhavehadagoodtimedoingit.

Oureducationisvitaltoourfutureandshouldbeatoppriority.Butwemustbe careful not to let dean’s lists, GPA’s, and AP classes take over our lives.School-centered teensoftenbecomesoobsessedwithgettinggoodgrades thattheyforgetthattherealpurposeofschoolistolearn.Asthousandsofteenshaveproved,youcandoextremelywellinschoolandstillmaintainahealthybalanceinlife.Thankgoodnessourworthisn’tmeasuredbyourGPA.

Parent-CenteredYourparentscanbeyourgreatestsourceofloveandguidanceandyoushould

respect and honor them, but centering your life on your parents and living topleasethemaboveeverythingelsecanbecomearealnightmare.(Don’ttellyourparentsIsaidthatortheymighttakeawayyourbook…justkiddin’.)ReadwhathappenedtothisyounggirlfromLouisiana:

Iworkedsohardallsemester.Ijustknewthatmyparentswouldbepleased—sixA’sandoneB+.ButallIcouldseeintheireyeswasdisappointment.AlltheywantedtoknowwaswhytheB+wasn’tanA.ItwasallIcoulddonottocry.Whatdidtheywantfromme?Thatwasmysophomoreyearofhighschool,andIspentthenexttwoyears

tryingtomakemyparentsproudofme.IplayedbasketballandIhopedthattheywouldbeproud—theynevercametoseemeplay.Imadethehonorrolleverysemester—butafterawhilestraightA’swerejustexpected.Iwasgoing

togotocollegetobeateacher,buttherewasnomoneyinthat,andmyparentsfeltthatIwouldbebetteroffstudyingsomethingelse—soIdid.

EverydecisionImadewasprefacedwiththequestions—WhatwouldMomandDadwantmetodo?Wouldtheybeproud?Wouldtheyloveme?ButnomatterwhatIdid,itwasnevergoodenough.Ihadbasedmywholelifeonthegoals andaspirationsmyparents thoughtwere good, and it didn’tmakemehappy.IhadlivedtopleasemyparentsforsolongthatIfeltoutofcontrol.Ifeltworthless,useless,andunimportant.Eventually I realized that my parents’ approval wasn’t coming, and if I

didn’t getmyact together, Iwould destroymyself. I needed to find a centerthat was timeless, unchanging, and real—a center that couldn’t shout,disapprove,orcriticize.SoIstartedtolivemyownlife,bytheprinciplesthatIthought would bring me happiness—like honesty (with myself and myparents), faith ina happier life, hope for the future, and belief in my owngoodness.InthebeginningIsortofhadtopretendthatIwasstrong,but,overaperiodoftime,Ibecamestrong.FinallyIstruckoutonmyownandhadafallingoutwithmyfolks,butit

madethemseemeforwhoIwas,andtheylovedme.Theyapologizedforallthepressuretheyputonmeandexpressedtheirlove.IwaseighteenyearsoldbeforeIeverremembermydadsaying“Iloveyou,”buttheywerethesweetestwordsIhaveeverheard,andwellworth thewait. Istillcareaboutwhatmyparents think, and I am still influenced by their opinions, but, ultimately, I

havebecomeresponsibleformylifeandmyactions,andItrytopleasemyselfbeforeanybodyelse.

OtherPossibleCentersThelistofpossiblecenterscouldgoonandon.Sports/hobbies-centered isa

bigone.Howmanytimeshaveweseenasports-centeredjockbuildhisidentityaroundbeingagreatathleteonlytosufferacareer-endinginjury?Ithappensallthetime.Andthepoorguyislefttorebuildhislifefromscratch.Thesamegoesforhobbiesandinterests,suchasdance,debate,drama,music,orclubs.Andwhataboutbeinghero-centered?Ifyoubuildyourlifearoundamovieor

rock star, famous athlete, or powerful politician,what happens if they die, dosomethingreallystupid,orendupinjail?Whereareyouthen?Sometimeswecanevenbecomeenemy-centered,andbuildour livesaround

hatingagroup,aperson,oran idea, likeCaptainHookwhoseentireexistencerevolved around hating Peter Pan. This is often the casewith gangs andwithbitterdivorces.Whatawarpedcenterthisoneis!Becomingwork-centered is a sickness that usually afflicts older people but

can also reach teens.Workaholism is usually driven by a compulsive need tohavemore stuff, likemoney, cars, status, or recognition,which feeds us for aseasonbutdoesn’teverfullysatisfy.Anothercommoncenterisbeingself-centered,orthinkingtheworldrevolves

aroundyouandyourproblems.Thisoftenresultsinbeingsoworriedaboutyourownconditionthatyou’reoblivioustothewalkingwoundedallaroundyou.As you can see, all these and many more life-centers do not provide the

stabilitythatyouandIneedinlife.I’mnotsayingweshouldn’tstrivetobecomeexcellent in something like dance or debate, or strive to develop outstandingrelationships with our friends and parents.We should. But there’s a fine linebetweenhavingapassionforsomethingandbasingyourentireexistenceonit.Andthat’sthelineweshouldn’tcross.

Principle-Centered—TheRealThingIn case you were starting to wonder, there is a center that actually works.

Whatisit?(Drumroll,please.)It’sbeingprinciple-centered.Weareallfamiliarwiththeeffectsofgravity.Throwaballupanditcomesdown.It’sanaturallawor principle. Just as there are principles that rule the physicalworld, there areprinciples that rule the human world. Principles aren’t religious. They aren’tAmericanorChinese.Theyaren’tmineoryours.Theyaren’tupfordiscussion.Theyapplyequally toeveryone, richorpoor,kingorpeasant,maleor female.

Theycan’tbeboughtorsold.Ifyoulivebythem,youwillexcel.Ifyoubreakthem,youwillfail(hey,thatsorta’rhymes).It’sthatsimple.Hereareafewexamples:Honestyisaprinciple.Serviceisaprinciple.Love

isaprinciple.Hardworkisaprinciple.Respect,gratitude,moderation,fairness,integrity,loyalty,andresponsibilityareprinciples.Therearedozensanddozensmore. They are not hard to identify. Just as a compass always points to truenorth,yourheartwillrecognizetrueprinciples.Forexample, thinkabouttheprincipleofhardwork.Ifyouhaven’tpaidthe

price,youmaybeabletogetbyforawhile,buteventuallyit’llcatchuptoyou.

I remember one time being invited to play in a golf tournament with mycollege football coach. Hewas a great golfer. Everyone, includingmy coach,expectedthatI’dbeafinegolferaswell.Afterall,Iwasacollegeathleteandallcollegeathletesshouldbegreatgolfers.Right?Wrong.Yousee,Istunkatgolf.I’donlyplayeda few times inmy life, and Ididn’t evenknowhow toholdaclubproperly.Iwasnervousabouteveryone findingouthowbadIwasatgolf.Especially

mycoach.SoIwashopingthatIcouldfoolhimandeveryoneelseintothinkingIwasgood.On thevery firsthole therewasasmallcrowdgatheredaround. Iwasfirstuptoteeoff.Whyme?AsIsteppeduptohit theball,Iprayedforamiracle.Swooooosssssshhhhh. Itworked!Amiracle!Icouldn’tbelieveit!Ihadhita

longshot,straightdownthemiddleofthefairway.IturnedaroundandsmiledtothecrowdandactedasifIalwayshitlikethat.

“Thankyou.Thankyouverymuch.”Ihadthemallfooled.ButIwasonlyfoolingmyselfbecausetherewere17½

moreholestogo.Infact,ittookonlyaboutfivemoreshotsforeveryonearoundme,includingmycoach,torealizethatIwasacompletegolfnerd.Itwasn’tlonguntilthecoachwastryingtoshowmehowtoswingtheclub.I’dbeenexposed.Ouch!Youcan’tfakeplayinggolf,tuningaguitar,orspeakingArabicifyouhaven’t

paidthepricetogetgood.There’snoshortcut.Hardworkisaprinciple.AstheNBAgreatLarryBirdputit,“Ifyoudon’tdoyourhomework,youwon’tmakeyourfreethrows.”

PrinciplesNeverFailIttakesfaithtolivebyprinciples,especiallywhenyouseepeopleclosetoyou

get ahead in life by lying, cheating, indulging,manipulating, and servingonlythemselves. What you don’t see, however, is that breaking principles alwayscatchesuptothemintheend.Taketheprincipleofhonesty.Ifyou’reabigliar,youmaybeabletogetby

forawhile,evenforafewyears.Butyou’dbehard-pressedtofindaliarwhoachieved success over the longhaul.AsCecilB.DeMille observed about hisclassicmovieTheTenCommandments,“Itisimpossibleforustobreakthelaw.Wecanonlybreakourselvesagainstthelaw.”Unlike all the other centerswe’ve looked at, principleswill never fail you.

Theywillnevertalkbehindyourback.Theydon’tgetupandmove.Theydon’tsuffer career-ending injuries. They don’t play favorites based on skin color,gender, wealth, or body features. A principle-centered life is simply themoststable,immovable,unshakablefoundationyoucanbuildupon,andweallneedoneofthose.Tograspwhyprinciplesalwayswork,justimaginelivingalifebasedontheir

opposites—alifeofdishonesty,loafing,indulgence,ingratitude,selfishness,andhate.Ican’timagineanygoodthingcomingoutofthat.Canyou?

Itisimpossibleforustobreakthelaw.Wecanonlybreakourselvesagainstthelaw.

CECILB.DEMILLEMOVIEDIRECTOR

Ironically, putting principles first is the key to doing better in all the othercenters. If you live the principles of service, respect, and love, for instance,you’re likely to pick up more friends and be a more stable boyfriend orgirlfriend. Putting principles first is also the key to becoming a person ofcharacter.Decide today tomake principles your life-center, or paradigm. Inwhatever

situationyoufindyourself,ask,“Whatistheprincipleinplayhere?”Foreveryproblem,searchfortheprinciplethatwillsolveit.Ifyou’refeelingwornoutandbeatenupby life,perhapsyoushould try the

principleofbalance.Ifyoufindnoonetrustsyou,theprincipleofhonestymightjustbethecure

youneed.InthefollowingstorybyWalterMacPeek,loyaltywastheprincipleinplay:

One of two brothers fighting in the same company in France fell by aGermanbullet.Theonewhoescapedaskedpermissionofhisofficertogoandbringhisbrotherin.“Heisprobablydead,”saidtheofficer,“andthereisnouseinyourrisking

yourlifetobringinhisbody.”Butafterfurtherpleadingtheofficerconsented.Justasthesoldierreached

thelineswithhisbrotheronhisshoulders,thewoundedmandied.“There,yousee,”saidtheofficer,“youriskedyourlifefornothing.”“No,”repliedTom.“Ididwhatheexpectedofme,andIhavemyreward.

WhenIcreptuptohimandtookhiminmyarms,hesaid,‘Tom,Iknewyouwouldcome—Ijustfeltyouwouldcome.’”

In theupcomingchapters,you’lldiscover thateachof the7Habits isbaseduponabasicprincipleortwo.Andthat’swheretheygettheirpowerfrom.Thelongandshortofitisprinciplesrule.

COMINGATTRACTIONS

Upnext,we’lltalkabouthowtogetrich,inawayyouprobablyneverthoughtof.Socarryon!

AwordAboutBabyStepsOneofmyfamily’sfavoritemoviesisWhatAboutBob?starringBillMurray

andRichardDreyfuss.Itisthestoryofadysfunctional,phobia-laden,immature,pea-brainedleechnamedBobwhonever,evergoesaway.HeattacheshimselftoDr.Marvin,arenownedpsychiatrist,whowantsnothingmorethantogetridofBobandfinallygiveshimabookhewrotecalledBabySteps.HetellsBobthatthebestwaytosolvehisproblemsisnottobiteofftoomuchatoncebuttojusttake“babysteps”toreachhisgoals.Bobisdelighted!HenolongerhastoworryabouthowtogetallthewayhomefromDr.Marvin’soffice,abigtaskforBob.Instead,Bobonlyhastobabystephiswayoutoftheoffice,andthenbabystephiswayontotheelevator,andsoon.SoI’llgiveyousomebabystepsattheendofeachchapter,startingwiththis

one—small,easystepsthatyoucandoimmediatelytohelpyouapplywhatyoujust read.Thoughsmall, thesestepscanbecomepowerful tools inhelpingyouachieve your larger goals. So, come alongwith Bob (he really becomes verylikableafteryouaccept thefact thatyoucan’tshakehim)and takesomebabysteps.

BABYSTEPS1The next time you look in the mirror say something positiveaboutyourself.

2 Show appreciation for someone’s point of view today. Saysomethinglike“Hey,thatisacoolidea.”3Thinkofalimitingparadigmyoumighthaveofyourself,suchas“I’m not outgoing.” Now, do something today that totallycontradictsthatparadigm.4Thinkofalovedoneorclosefriendwhohasbeenactingoutofcharacterlately.Considerwhatmightbecausingthemtoactthatway.5When you have nothing to do, what is it that occupies yourthoughts? Remember, whatever is most important to you willbecomeyourparadigmorlife-center.

Whatoccupiesmytimeandenergy?6TheGoldenRulerules!Begintodaytotreatothersasyouwouldwant them to treat you. Don’t be impatient, complain aboutleftovers, or bad-mouth someone, unless you want the sametreatment.

7Sometimesoon,findaquietplacewhereyoucanbealone.Thinkaboutwhatmattersmosttoyou.8Listen carefully to the lyrics of the music you listen to mostfrequently.Evaluateiftheyareinharmonywiththeprinciplesyoubelievein.

9Whenyoudoyourchoresathomeorworktonight, tryouttheprinciple of hard work. Go the extra mile and domore than isexpected.

10Thenext timeyou’re ina toughsituationanddon’tknowwhat todo, ask yourself, “What principle should I apply (i.e., honesty, love,loyalty, hard work, patience)?” Now, follow the principle and don’tlookback.

PARTII

ThePrivateVictory

ThePersonalBankAccountStartingwiththeManintheMirror

Habit1—BeProactiveIAmtheForce

Habit2—BeginwiththeEndinMindControlYourOwnDestinyorSomeoneElseWill

Habit3—PutFirstThingsFirstWillandWon’tPower

ThePersonalBankAccountSTARTINGWITHTHEMANINTHEMIRROR

Beforeyou’lleverwininthepublicarenasoflife,youmustfirstwinprivatebattles within yourself. All change begins with you. I’ll never forget how Ilearnedthislesson.

“What’swrongwithyou?You’redisappointingme.Where’stheSeanIonceknewinhighschool?”Coachglaredatme.“Doyouevenwanttobeoutthere?”Iwasshocked.“Yes,ofcourse.”“Oh,givemeabreak.You’rejustgoingthroughthemotionsandyourheart’s

notinit.Youbettergetyouracttogetherortheyoungerquarterbackswillpassyouupandyou’llneverplayhere.”It was my sophomore year at Brigham Young University (BYU) during

preseasonfootballcamp.Comingoutofhighschool,IwasrecruitedbyseveralcollegesbutchoseBYUbecausetheyhadatraditionofproducingall-AmericanquarterbackslikeJimMcMahonandSteveYoung,bothofwhomwentontotheprosandledtheirteamstoSuperBowlvictories.AlthoughIwasthethird-stringquarterbackatthetime,Iwantedtobethenextall-American!

I’mstartingwiththemaninthemirrorI’maskinghimtochangehisways

AndnomessagecouldhavebeenanyclearerIfyouwannamaketheworldabetterplace

Takealookatyourself,andthenmakeachange.“MANINTHEMIRROR”BYSIEDAHGARRETTANDGLENBALLARD

WhenCoachtoldmethatIwas“stinkin’upthefield,”itcameasacold,hardslap in the face.The thing that really buggedmewas that hewas right.Eventhough Iwas spending long hours practicing, Iwasn’t truly committed. Iwas

holdingbackandIknewit.I had a hard decision to make—I had to either quit football or triple my

commitment.Over thenext severalweeks, Iwagedawar insidemyheadandcameface-to-facewithmanyfearsandself-doubts.DidIhavewhatittooktobethestartingquarterback?CouldIhandlethepressure?WasIbigenough?ItsoonbecamecleartomethatIwasscared,scaredofcompeting,scaredofbeinginthelimelight,scaredoftryingandperhapsfailing.Andallthesefearswereholdingmebackfromgivingitmyall.IreadagreatquotebyArnoldBennettthatdescribeswhatIfinallydecidedto

do aboutmy dilemma.Hewrote, “The real tragedy is the tragedy of themanwho never in his life braces himself for his one supreme effort—he neverstretchestohisfullcapacity,neverstandsuptohisfullstature.”Having never enjoyed tragedy, I decided to brace myself for one supreme

effort.SoIcommittedtogiveitmyall.Idecidedtostopholdingbackandtolayitallontheline.Ididn’tknowifIwouldevergetachancetobefirststring,butifIdidn’t,atleastIwasgoingtostrikeoutswinging.Noone heardme say, “I commit.”Therewas no applause. Itwas simply a

private battle I fought andwon insidemy ownmind over a period of severalweeks.Once I committedmyself, everything changed. I began taking chances and

makingbigimprovementsonthefield.Myheartwasinit.Andthecoachestooknotice.

Therealtragedyisthetragedyofthemanwhoneverinhislifebraceshimselfforhisonesupremeeffort—heneverstretchestohisfullcapacity,neverstandsuptohisfull

stature.ARNOLDBENNETT

Astheseasonbeganandthegamesrolledbyonebyone,Isatonthebench.Althoughfrustrated,Ikeptworkinghardandkeptimproving.Midseason featured the big game of the year. We were to play nationally

rankedAirForceonESPN, in front of 65,000 fans.Aweekbefore thegame,Coach called me into his office and told me that I would be the startingquarterback.Gulp!Needlesstosay,thatwasthelongestweekofmylife.Gamedayfinallyarrived.AtkickoffmymouthwassodryIcouldbarelytalk.

ButafterafewminutesIsettleddownandledourteamtovictory.Iwasevennamed theESPNPlayer of theGame.Afterward, lots of people congratulatedme on the victory andmy performance. Thatwas nice.But they didn’t reallyunderstand.Theydidn’tknowtherealstory.Theythoughtthatvictoryhadtakenplaceon

the field that day in the public eye. I knew it happenedmonths before in theprivacyofmyownhead,whenIdecidedtofacemyfears,tostopholdingback,andtobracemyselfforonesupremeeffort.BeatingAirForcewasamucheasierchallengethanovercomingmyself.Privatevictoriesalwayscomebeforepublicvictories.Asthesayinggoes,“Wehavemettheenemyandheisus.”

•INSIDEOUTWecrawl beforewewalk.We learn arithmetic before algebra.Wemust fix

ourselvesbeforewecanfixothers.Ifyouwanttomakeachangeinyourlife,theplacetobeginiswithyourself,notwithyourparents,oryourboyfriend,oryourprofessor.Allchangebeginswithyou.It’sinsideout.Notoutsidein.IamremindedofthewritingsofanAnglicanbishop:

WhenIwasyoungandfreeandmyimaginationhadnolimits,Idreamedof

changingtheworld;

AsIgrewolderandwiserIrealizedtheworldwouldnotchange.

AndIdecidedtoshortenmysightssomewhatandchangeonlymycountry.

Butittooseemedimmovable.

AsIenteredmytwilightyears,inonelastdesperateattempt,Isoughttochangeonlymyfamily,thoseclosesttome,but

alastheywouldhavenoneofit.

AndnowhereIlieonmydeathbedandrealize(perhapsforthefirsttime)thatifonlyI’dchangedmyselffirst,thenbyexampleImayhaveinfluencedmyfamilyandwiththeirencouragement

andsupportImayhavebetteredmycountry,andwhoknowsImayhave

changedtheworld.Thisiswhatthisbookisallabout.Changingfromtheinsideout,startingwith

themanorwoman in themirror.Thischapter (“ThePersonalBankAccount”)andtheonesthatfollowonHabits1,2,and3dealwithyouandyourcharacter,ortheprivatevictory.Thenextfourchapters,“TheRelationshipBankAccount,”andHabits4,5,and6dealwithrelationships,orthepublicvictory.BeforedivingintoHabit1,let’stakealookathowyoucanimmediatelybegin

tobuildyourself-confidenceandachieveaprivatevictory.

ThePersonalBankAccountHowyoufeelaboutyourselfislikeabankaccount.Let’scallityourpersonal

bankaccount(PBA).Justlikeacheckingorsavingsaccountatabank,youcanmakedepositsintoandtakewithdrawalsfromyourPBAbythethingsyouthink,say,anddo.Forexample,whenIsticktoacommitmentI’vemadetomyself,Ifeel in control. It’s a deposit.Cha-ching. On the other hand, when I break apromisetomyself,Ifeeldisappointedandmakeawithdrawal.Soletmeaskyou.HowisyourPBA?Howmuchtrustandconfidencedoyou

haveinyourself?Areyouloadedorbankrupt?Thesymptomslistedbelowmighthelpyouevaluatewhereyoustand.

PossibleSymptomsofaPoorPBA•Youcaveintopeerpressureeasily.•Youwrestlewithfeelingsofdepressionandinferiority.•You’reoverlyconcernedaboutwhatothersthinkofyou.•Youactarroganttohelphideyourinsecurities.• You self-destruct by getting heavily into drugs, pornography,vandalism,organgs.• You get jealous easily, especially when someone close to yousucceeds.

PossibleSymptomsofaHealthyPBA•Youstandupforyourselfandresistpeerpressure.•You’renotoverlyconcernedaboutbeingpopular.•Youseelifeasagenerallypositiveexperience.•Youtrustyourself.•Youaregoaldriven.•Youarehappyforthesuccessesofothers.

Ifyourpersonalbankaccountislow,don’tgetdiscouragedaboutit.Juststarttoday by making $1, $5, $10, or $25 deposits. Eventually you’ll get yourconfidence back. Small deposits over a long period of time is the way to ahealthyandrichPBA.Withthehelpofvariousteengroups,I’vecompiledalistofsixkeydeposits

that can help you build your PBA.Of course, with every deposit, there is anequalandoppositewithdrawal.

PBADEPOSITS PBAWITHDRAWALS

Keeppromisestoyourself

Breakpersonalpromises

Dosmallactsofkindness

Keeptoyourself

Begentlewithyourself

Beatyourselfup

Behonest

Bedishonest

Renewyourself

Wearyourselfout

Tapintoyourtalents

Neglectyourtalents

•KEEPPROMISESTOYOURSELFHave you ever had friends or roommateswho seldom come through?They

say they’llcallyouand theydon’t.Theypromise topickyouupfor thegameand they forget.Afterawhile,youdon’t trust them.Theircommitmentsmeannothing. The same thing occurs when you continually make and break self-promises,suchas“I’mgoingtogetupatsixtomorrowmorning”or“I’mgoingtogetmyhomeworkdonerightwhenIgethome.”Afterawhile,youdon’ttrustyourself.Weshouldtreatthecommitmentswemaketoourselvesasseriouslyasthose

we make to the most important people in our lives. If you’re feeling out ofcontrol in life, focus on the single thing you can control—yourself. Make apromisetoyourselfandkeepit.Startwithrealsmall$10commitmentsthatyouknow you can complete, like committing to eat healthier today. After you’vebuilt up some self-trust, you can then go for themore difficult $100 deposits,suchasdecidingtobreakupwithanabusiveboyfriendornotgoingafteryoursisterforwearingyournewclothes.

•DOSMALLACTSOFKINDNESSIrememberreadingastatementbyapsychiatristwhosaidthatifyoueverfeel

depressed, the best thing to do is to do something for someone else. Why?Becauseitgetsyoufocusedoutward,notinward.It’shardtobedepressedwhileserving someone else. Ironically, a by-product of helping others is feelingwonderfulyourself.Iremembersittinginanairportoneday,waitingformyflight.Iwasexcited

becauseIhadbeenupgraded toa first-class ticket.And in firstclass, theseatsarebigger,thefoodisedible,andtheflightattendantsareactuallynice.Infact,Ihadthebestseatontheentireplane.Seat1A.Beforeboarding,Inoticedayoungladywhohadseveralcarry-onbagsandwasholdingacryingbaby.Havingjustfinished reading a book on doing random acts of kindness, I heard myconsciencespeaktome,“Youscumbag.Letherhaveyourticket.”Ifoughtthesepromptingsforawhilebuteventuallycavedin:“Excuseme,butyoulooklikeyoucouldusethisfirst-classticketmorethan

me.Iknowhowharditcanbeflyingwithkids.Whydon’tyouletmetradeyou

tickets.”

“Areyousure?”“Ohyeah.Ireallydon’tmind.I’mjustgoingtobeworkingthewholetime,

anyway.”“Well,thankyou.That’sverykindofyou,”shesaid,asweswappedtickets.Aswe boarded the plane, I was surprised at how good it mademe feel to

watch her sit down in seat 1A. In fact, under the circumstances, seat 24B orwherevertheheckIwassittingdidn’tseemthatbadatall.AtonepointduringtheflightIwassocurioustoseehowshewasdoingthatIcouldhardlystandit.So I got up out of my seat, walked to the first-class section, and peeked inthroughthecurtainthatseparatesfirstclassfromcoach.Thereshewaswithherbaby,bothasleepinbigandcomfortableseat1A.AndIfeltlikeamillionbucks.Cha-ching.I’vegottokeepdoingthiskindofthing.

ThissweetstorysharedbyateennamedTawniisanotherexampleofthejoyofservice:

Thereisagirlinourneighborhoodwholivesinaduplexwithherparents,andtheydon’thavealotofmoney.Forthepastthreeyears,whenIgrewout

ofmyclothes,meandmymomtookthemovertoher.I’dsaysomethinglike“Ithoughtyoumightlikethese,”or“I’dliketoseeyouwearingthis.”WhensheworesomethingIgaveher,I’dthinkitwasreallycool.Shewould

say,“Thankyousomuchforthenewshirt.”I’dreply,“Thatcolorlooksreallygoodonyou!”ItriedtobesensitivesothatIdidn’tmakeherfeelbad,orgiveher the impression that I thought she was poor. It makes me feel good,knowingthatI’mhelpingherhaveabetterlife.

Gooutofyourwaytosayhellotothemostlonelypersonyouknow.Writeathank-younotetosomeonewhohasmadeadifferenceinyourlife,likeafriend,teacher,or coach.Thenext timeyou’re at a tollbooth,pay for thecarbehindyou.Givinggiveslifenotonlytoothersbutalsotoyourself.I lovetheselinesfromTheManNobodyKnows byBruceBarton,which illustrate this point sowell:

Thereare twoseas inPalestine.One is fresh,and fishare in it.Splashesofgreenadornitsbanks.Treesspreadtheirbranchesoveritandstretchouttheirthirstyrootstosipofitshealingwaters.…TheRiverJordanmakesthisseawithsparklingwaterfromthehills.Soit

laughs in the sunshine.Andmenbuild their houses near to it, andbirds theirnests;andeverykindoflifeishappierbecauseitisthere.TheRiverJordanflowsonsouthintoanothersea.Here is no splash of fish, no fluttering leaf, no song of birds, no children’s

laughter. Travelers choose another route, unless on urgent business. The airhangsheavyaboveitswater,andneithermannorbeastnorfowlwilldrink.What makes this mighty difference in these neighbor seas? Not the River

Jordan.Itemptiesthesamegoodwaterintoboth.Notthesoilinwhichtheylie;notinthecountryroundabout.This is the difference. The Sea of Galilee receives but does not keep the

Jordan.Foreverydropthatflowsintoitanotherdropflowsout.Thegivingandreceivinggooninequalmeasure.Theotherseaisshrewder,hoardingitsincomejealously.Itwillnotbetempted

intoanygenerousimpulse.Everydropitgets,itkeeps.TheSeaofGalileegivesandlives.Thisotherseagivesnothing.It isnamed

theDead.

Therearetwokindsofpeopleinthisworld.TherearetwoseasinPalestine.

•BEGENTLEWITHYOURSELFBeinggentlemeansmanythings.Itmeansnotexpectingyourselftobeperfect

bytomorrowmorning.Ifyou’realatebloomer,andmanyofusare,bepatientandgiveyourselftimetogrow.Itmeanslearningtolaughatthestupidthingsyoudo.Ihaveafriend,Chuck,

whoisextraordinarywhenitcomestolaughingathimselfandnevertakinglifetooseriously.I’vealwaysbeenamazedathowthishopefulattitudeofhisattractsfriendsbythescore.Being gentle also means forgiving yourself when you mess up. And who

hasn’tdonethat?Weshouldlearnfromourmistakes,butweshouldn’tbeatthetaroutofourselvesoverthem.Thepastisjustthat,past.Learnwhatwentwrongandwhy.Makeamends ifyouneed to.Thendrop itandmoveon.Throwthatvoodoodolloutwiththetrash.“Oneofthekeystohappiness,”saysRitaMaeBrown,“isabadmemory.”A ship at sea for many years picks up thousands of barnacles that attach

themselvestothebottomoftheshipandeventuallyweighitdown,becomingathreattoitssafety.Suchashipultimatelyneedsitsbarnaclesremoved,andtheleastexpensiveandeasiestwayisfortheshiptoharborinafreshwaterport,freeof saltwater. Soon the barnacles become loose on their own and fall off.Theshipisthenabletoreturntosea,relievedofitsburden.

Alwaysbeafirst-rateversionofyourself,insteadofasecond-rateversionofsomebodyelse.

JUDYGARLANDSINGER-ACTRESS

Areyoucarryingaroundbarnaclesintheformofmistakes,regrets,andpainfromthepast?Perhapsyouneed toallowyourself tosoak infreshwater forawhile.Lettinggoofaburdenandgivingyourselfasecondchancemayjustbe

thedeposityouneedrightnow.Truly“learningtoloveyourself,”asWhitneyHoustonsings,“isthegreatest

loveofall.”

•BEHONESTIlookedupthewordhonestinmysynonymfindertheotherdayandtheseare

a few of the synonyms I found: upstanding, incorruptible, moral, principled,truth-loving, steadfast, true, real, right, good, straight-shooting, genuine.Not abadsetofwordstobeassociatedwith,don’tyouthink?Honestycomes inmanyforms.First there’sself-honesty. Iswhatpeoplesee

thegenuinearticleordoyouappear throughsmokeandmirrors? I find that ifI’meverfakeandtrytobesomethingI’mnot,IfeelunsureofmyselfandmakeaPBAwithdrawal.IlovehowsingerJudyGarlandputit,“Alwaysbeafirst-rateversionofyourself,insteadofasecond-rateversionofsomebodyelse.”Then there’s honesty in our actions. Are you honest at school, with your

parents,andwithyourboss?Ifyou’vebeendishonestinthepast,andIthinkweallhave,trybeinghonest,andnoticehowwholeitmakesyoufeel.Remember,youcan’tdowrongandfeelright.ThisstorybyJeffisagoodexampleofthat:

Inmysophomoreyear,therewerethreekidsinmygeometryclasswhodidn’tdowell inmath. Iwasreallygoodat it. Iwouldcharge themthreedollars foreachtestthatIhelpedthempass.Thetestsweremultiplechoice,soI’dwriteonalittletinypieceofpaperalltherightanswers,andhandthemoff.At first I felt like Iwasmakingmoney, kindof anice job. Iwasn’t thinking

about how it could hurt all of us. After a while I realized I shouldn’t do that

anymore,becauseIwasn’treallyhelpingthem.Theyweren’tlearninganything,anditwouldonlygetharderdowntheroad.Cheatingcertainlywasn’thelpingme.

It takes courage to be honestwhen people all around you are getting awaywith cheating on tests, lying to their parents, and stealing at work. But,remember, every act of honesty is a deposit into your PBA and will buildstrength.Asthesayinggoes,“Mystrengthisasthestrengthoftenbecausemyheartispure.”Honestyisalwaysthebestpolicy,evenwhenit’snotthetrend.

•RENEWYOURSELFYou’vegottataketimeforyourself,torenewandtorelax.Ifyoudon’t,you’ll

loseyourzestforlife.YoumightbefamiliarwiththemovieTheSecretGarden,basedonthebook

of thesame title. It’sastoryaboutayounggirlnamedMarywhogoes to livewithherwealthyuncleafterherparentsarekilledinanaccident.Herunclehasbecomecoldandwithdrawnsincethedeathofhiswifeseveralyearsearlier.Inanefforttoescapehispast,henowspendsmostofhistimetravelingabroad.Hehasasonwhoismiserable,sickly,andconfinedtoawheelchair.Theboylivesinadarkroominthevastmansion.After living in thesedepressing conditions for some time,Marydiscovers a

beautiful, overgrown garden nearby the mansion that has been locked up foryears. Upon finding a secret entrance, she begins to visit the garden daily toescapehersurroundings.Itbecomesherplaceofrefuge,hersecretgarden.It’snotlongbeforeshebeginstobringhercrippledcousintothegarden.The

beautyofthegardenseemstocastaspellonhim,forhelearnstowalkagainandregainshishappiness.Oneday,Mary’swithdrawnuncle,uponreturningfromatrip, overhears someone playing in the forbidden garden and angrily rushes tosee who it could be. To his surprise, he sees his son, out of his wheelchair,laughingandfrolickinginthegarden.Heissoovercomewithsurpriseandjoythat he bursts into tears and embraces his son for the first time in years. Thebeautyandmagicofthegardenbroughtthisfamilytogetheragain.Weallneedaplacewecanescapeto,asanctuaryofsomesort,wherewecan

renew our spirits. And it doesn’t have to be a rose garden, mountaintop, orbeachfront. It canbe a bedroomor even a bathroom, just a place to be alone.Theodore,fromCanada,hadhishideout:

WheneverIwouldgettoostressedout,orwhenIwasnotgettingalongwithmyparents,Iwouldjustgointo thebasement.ThereIhadahockeystick,aball, and a bare concrete wall onwhich I could take outmy frustrations. Iwould justshoot theball forhalfanhourandgobackupstairsrefreshed.Itdid wonders for my hockey game, but it was even better for my familyrelationships.

Arian toldmeabouthisrefuge.Wheneverhegot toostressedout,hewouldslipintohishighschool’slargeauditoriumthroughabackdoor.Allaloneinthequiet,dark,andspaciousauditorium,hecouldgetawayfromallthebustle,haveagoodcry,orjustrelax.Allisonfoundagardenallherown:

MydaddiedinanindustrialaccidentatworkwhenIwaslittle.Ireallydon’tknowthedetailsbecauseIhavealwaysbeenafraidtoaskmymotherverymanyquestionsaboutit.Maybeit’sbecauseIhavecreatedthisperfectpictureofhiminmymind that I don’twant to change.Tomehe is thisperfecthumanbeingwhowouldprotectmeifhewashere.Heiswithmeallthetimeinmythoughts,andIimaginehowhewouldactandhelpmeifhewashere.WhenIreallyneedhimIgotothetopof theslideat thelocalgradeschool

playground.IhavethissillyfeelingthatifIcangotothehighestplaceIwillbeabletofeelhim.SoIclimbuptothetopoftheslideandjustliethere.ItalktohiminmythoughtsandIcanfeelhimtalkingtomymind.Iwanthimto touch

me,butofcourseknowthathecannot.IgothereeverytimesomethingreallyisbotheringmeandIjustsharemyburdenswithhim.

Besides finding a place of refuge, there are so many other ways to renewyourselfandbuildyourPBA.Exercisecandoit,likegoingforawalk,running,dancing, or punching a bag.Some teens have suggestedwatchingoldmovies,playing amusical instrument, finger painting, or talking to friendswho upliftyou.Numerousothershavefoundthatwritingintheirjournalsdoeswonderstohelpthemcope.Habit7,SharpentheSaw,isallabouttakingtimetorenewyourbody,heart,

mind,andsoul.We’lltalkmoreaboutitwhenwegetthere.Soholdyourhorses.

•TAPINTOYOURTALENTSFindingandthendevelopingatalent,hobby,orspecialinterestcanbeoneof

thesinglegreatestdepositsyoucanmakeintoyourPBA.Whyisitthatwhenwethinkoftalentswethinkintermsofthe“traditional”

high-profile talents,suchastheathlete,dancer,oraward-winningscholar?Thetruthis,talentscomeinavarietyofpackages.Don’tthinksmall.Youmayhaveaknackforreading,writing,orspeaking.Youmayhaveagiftforbeingcreative,beingafastlearner,orbeingacceptingofothers.Youmayhaveorganizational,music,orleadershipskills.Itdoesn’tmatterwhereyourtalentmaylie,whetherit’s in chess, drama, or butterfly collecting, when you do something you like

doingandhaveatalentfor—it’sexhilarating.It’saformofself-expression.Andasthisgirlattests,itbuildsesteem.

YoumightdielaughingwhenItellyouthatIhavearealtalentandloveforweeds.AndI’mnottalkingaboutthekindyousmokebutweedsandflowersthatgroweverywhere.IrealizedthatIalwaysnoticedthem,whileothersjustwantedthemcutdown.

So I started picking them and pressing them— and eventually makingbeautifulpicturesandpostcardsandartobjectswiththem.Ihavebeenabletocheerupmanyasadsoulwithoneofmypersonalizedcards.Iamoftenaskedtodoarrangementsofflowersforothersandtosharemyknowledgeofpreservingpressedplants. It’sgivenmesomuch joyandconfidence—justknowingIhavethespecialgiftandappreciationforsomethingmostpeople ignore.But itevengoesbeyond that—it’s taughtme that if there is somuch to just simpleweeds,how much more is there to almost everything else in life? It’s made me lookdeeper.Itmakesmeanexplorer.AndIactuallyamjustanormalyounggirl.

Mybrother-in-law,Bryce, toldmehowdevelopinga talenthelpedbuildhisself-confidenceandfindacareerinwhichhecouldmakeadifference.HisstoryissetintheTetonmountainrangethatstretcheshighabovetheplainsofIdahoandWyoming.TheGrandTeton,thetallestoftheTetonpeaks,juts13,776feetabovesealevel.Asayoungboy,Brycehadthepicture-perfectbaseballswing.Untilhistragic

accident.WhileplayingwithaBBgunoneday,Bryceaccidentallyshothimselfintheeye.Fearingthatsurgerymightpermanentlyimpairhisvision,thedoctorslefttheBBinhiseye.Monthslater,whenBrycereturnedtobaseball,hebeganstrikingouteachtime

atbat.Hehadlosthisdepthperceptionandmuchofhisvisioninoneeyeandcould no longer judge the ball. SaidBryce, “Iwas an all-star player the yearbefore andnow I couldn’t hit theball. Iwas convinced that Iwouldnever beabletodoanythingagain.Itwasabigblowtomyconfidence.”Bryce’s two older brotherswere good at somany things, and hewondered

whathecoulddonow,givenhisnewhandicap.SincehelivedneartheTetonshedecided to give climbing a try. So he dropped by the local Army store andboughtnylonrope,carabiners,chalks,pitons,andotherclimbingnecessities.Hecheckedoutclimbingbooksandstudiedhowtotieknots,hookupaharness,and

rappel.Hisfirstrealclimbingexperiencewasrappellingoffhisfriend’schimney.SoonhebeganclimbingsomeofthesmallerpeakssurroundingtheGrandTeton.Brycesoonrealized thathehadaknackfor it.Unlikemanyofhisclimbing

partners,hisbodywasstrongand lightweightandseemed tobeperfectlybuiltforrockclimbing.After trainingforseveralmonths,Brycefinallyclimbed theGrandTetonall

by himself. It took him two days. Reaching this goal was a great confidencebuilder.Climbingpartnerswerehardtocomeby,soBrycebegantrainingonhisown.

HewoulddrivetotheTetons,runuptothebaseoftheclimb,dotheclimb,andrunbackdown.Hedidthissooftenhebecameverygoodatit.Onedayafriendofhis,Kim,said,“Hey,yououghttogoaftertherecordontheGrandTeton.”HetoldBryceallabout it.AclimbingrangernamedJockGliddenhadseta

record on theGrand by running to the top and back in four hours and elevenminutes. “That’s absolutely impossible,” thought Bryce. “I’d like tomeet thisguy someday.” But as Bryce continued to do these types of runs, his timesbecamefasterandKimkeptsaying,“Youmustgoaftertherecord.Iknowyoucoulddoit.”On one occasion, Bryce finally met Jock, the superhuman with the

insurmountablerecord.BryceandKimweresittinginJock’stentwhenKim,awell-knownclimberhimself,saidtoJock,“Thisguyhereisthinkingaboutgoingafteryourrecord.”JockgazedatBryce’s125-poundframeandlaughedaloud,asiftosay,“Getaclue,youlittlerunt.”Brycefeltdevastatedbutquicklygatheredhimself.AndKimkeptaffirminghim:“Youcandoit.Iknowyoucandoit.”Earlyin themorningonAugust26,1981,carryingasmallorangebackpack

and a light jacket,Bryce ran to the top of theGrand andback in three hours,forty-sevenminutes,andfourseconds.Hestoppedonlytwice:oncetotakerocksoutofhisshoesandoncetosigntheregisteratthesummittoprovehehadbeenthere.Hefeltmarvelous!Hehadactuallybrokentherecord!

Afewyearslater,BrycereceivedasurprisecallfromKim.“Bryce,haveyouheard?Yourrecordhasjustbeenbroken.”Ofcourse,headded,“Youneedtogetitback.Iknowyoucandoit!”AmannamedCreightonKing,whohadrecently

wontheheraldedPike’sPeakMarathoninColorado,dashedtothetopandbackinthreehours,thirtyminutes,andnineseconds.OnAugust26,1983,twoyearsafterhislastassaultonthemountain,andten

days after his record had been broken, Bryce stood in the Lupine MeadowsparkinglotatthebaseoftheGrandTetoninbrand-newrunningshoes,readyandeager tobreakKing’s record.Withhimwere friends, family,Kim,andacrewfromthelocaltelevisionstationtofilmhisrun.Asbefore,heknewthehardestpartoftheclimbwouldbethementalaspect.

He didn’t want to become one of the two or three who die each year whileattemptingtoscaletheGrand.Sportswriter RussellWeeks describes running the Grand as follows: “From

theparking lotyou facea runofaboutnineor tenmilesup switchback trails,through a canyon, up two glacial moraines, two saddles, a gap between twopeaksanda700-footclimbupthewestwalloftheGrandtothetop.Theriseandfall inaltitudefromLupineMeadowstothetopandbackisabout15,000feet.LeighOrtenburger’sClimber’sGuide to theTetonRange lists the last700 feetaloneasathree-hourclimb.”Bryce took off running.As he ascended up, up, up themountain, his heart

pounded and his legs burned. Concentrationwas intense. Scaling the last 700feet in twelve minutes, he reached the summit in one hour and fifty-threeminutesandplacedhisverificationcardunderarock.HeknewthatifheweretobreakKing’srecordhewouldhavetodoitcomingdown.Thedescentbecamesosteepat timesthathewastakingten-tofifteen-footstrides.Hepassedsomefriendswho later told him his face had turned purple from oxygen depletion.Anotherclimbingpartyapparentlyknewhewasgoingfortherecordbecause,ashepassed,theyyelled,“Go!Go!”Amid cheers, Bryce returned to Lupine Meadows with bleeding knees,

thrashed tennisshoes,andonehorrificheadache, threehours, sixminutes,andtwenty-fivesecondsafterhehadleft.Hehaddonetheimpossible!Word spread fast and Bryce became known as the best mountain climber

around.“Itgavemeanidentity,”saidBryce.“Everyonewantstobeknownforsomething,andsodidI.Myabilitytoclimbgavemesomethingtoworkforandwasagreatsourceofself-esteem.Itwasmywayofexpressingmyself.”

Today, Bryce is founder and president of a very successful company thatmakes high-performance backpacks for climbers and mountain runners. Most

important,Bryce ismakinga livingdoingwhathe loves todoandwhathe isgoodatandhasusedhistalenttoblesshislifeandthelivesofmanyothers.Oh,bytheway,therecordstillstands.(Now,don’tgetanywildideas.)And

BrycestillhasthatBBinhiseye.So,myfriends,ifyouneedashotofconfidence,startmakingsomedeposits

intoyourPBAstarting today.You’ll feel the results instantly.And, remember,youdon’thavetoclimbamountaintomakeadeposit.Thereareamillionandonesaferways.

COMINGATTRACTIONS

Upaheadwe’lltalkaboutthemanywaysinwhichyouandyourdogaredifferent.Readonandyou’llseewhatImean!

BABYSTEPSKeepPromisestoYourself

1Getupwhenyouplannedtofor3daysinarow.

2Identifyoneeasytaskthatneedstobedonetoday,likeputtinginabatchoflaundry,orreadingabookforanEnglishassignment.Decidewhenyouwilldoit.Now,keepyourwordandgetitdone.

DoRandomActsofService3Sometime today, do a kind anonymousdeed, likewriting a thank-younote,takingoutthetrash,ormakingsomeone’sbed.

4Lookaroundand findsomethingyoucando tomakeadifference,likecleaningupaparkinyourneighborhood,volunteeringinaseniorcitizenscenter,orreadingtosomeonewhocan’t.

TapIntoYourTalents5Listatalentyouwouldliketodevelopthisyear.Writedownspecificstepstogetthere.

TalentIwanttodevelopthisyear:_____________________HowdoIgetthere:___________________________________________________________________________________________________

6Makealistofthetalentsyoumostadmireinotherpeople.Person: TalentsIadmire:

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________BeGentlewithYourself

7Thinkaboutanareaoflifeyoufeelinferiorin.Nowbreathedeeplyandtellyourself,“It’snottheendoftheworld.”8 Try to go an entire daywithout negative self talk. Each time youcatchyourselfputtingyourselfdown,youhavetoreplaceitwiththreepositivethoughtsaboutyourself.

RenewYourself9Decideonafunactivitythatwillliftyourspiritsanddoittoday.For

example,turnupthemusicanddance.10Feeling lethargic?Getup rightnowandgo fora fastwalkaround theblock.

BeHonest11Thenexttimeyourparentsaskyouaboutwhatyou’redoing,sharethecompletestory.Don’tleaveoutinformationmeanttomisleadordeceive.12Foroneday,trynottoexaggerateorembellish!

Growing up in my home was at times a big pain. Why? Because my dadalwaysmademetakeresponsibilityforeverythinginmylife.

Whenever I said something like “Dad, my girlfriend makes me so mad,”withoutfailDadwouldcomebackwith:“Nowcomeon,Sean,noonecanmakeyoumadunlessyouletthem.It’syourchoice.Youchoosetobemad.”Or if I said, “My new biology teacher stinks. I’m never going to learn a

thing,”Dadwouldsay,“Whydon’tyougotoyourteacherandgivehimsomesuggestions? Change teachers. Get a tutor if you have to. If you don’t learnbiology,Sean,it’syourownfault,notyourteacher’s.”

Peoplearejustaboutashappyastheymakeuptheirmindtobe.

ABRAHAMLINCOLNU.S.PRESIDENT

Henever letme off the hook.Hewas always challengingme,making surethatIneverblamedsomeoneelseforthewayIacted.Luckilymymomletmeblame other people and things for my problems or I might have turned outpsycho.Ioftenscreamedback,“You’rewrong,Dad! Ididn’tchoose tobemad.She

MADE,MADE,MADEmemad.Justgetoffmybackandleavemealone.”Yousee,Dad’sideathatyouareresponsibleforyourlifewashardmedicine

formetoswallowasateenager.But,withhindsight,Iseethewisdominwhathewasdoing.Hewantedmetolearnthattherearetwotypesofpeopleinthisworld—the proactive and the reactive—thosewho take responsibility for theirlives and those who blame; those who make it happen and those who gethappenedto.Habit1,BeProactive, is thekey tounlockingall theotherhabitsand that’s

whyitcomesfirst.Habit1says“Iamtheforce.Iamthecaptainofmylife.Icanchoosemyattitude.I’mresponsibleformyownhappinessorunhappiness.Iaminthedriver’sseatofmydestiny,notjustapassenger.”Beingproactiveisthefirststeptowardachievingtheprivatevictory.Canyou

imagine doing algebra before learning addition and subtraction? Not gonnahappen.Thesamegoesforthe7Habits.Youcan’tdohabits2,3,4,5,6,and7beforedoingHabit1. That’s because until you feel you are in charge of yourownlife,nothingelseisreallypossible,now,isit?Hmmmm…

ProactiveorReactive…theChoiceIsYoursEachdayyouandIhaveabout100chancestochoosewhethertobeproactive

orreactive.Inanygivenday,theweatherisbad,youcan’tfindajob,yoursisterstealsyourblouse,youloseanelectionatschool,yourfriendtalksbehindyourback,someonecallsyounames,yourparentsdon’t letyoutakethecar(forno

reason),yougetaparking ticketoncampus,andyouflunka test.Sowhatareyou going to do about it? Are you in the habit of reacting to these kinds ofeverydaythings,orareyouproactive?Thechoiceisyours.Itreallyis.Youdon’thavetorespondthewayeveryoneelsedoesorthewaypeoplethinkyoushould.

How many times have you been driving down the road when suddenlysomebodycutsinfrontofyou,makingyouslamonyourbrakes?Whatdoyoudo?Doyouflyoffatthemouth?Give’emthebird?Letitruinyourday?Losebladdercontrol?Ordoyoujustletitgo?Laughaboutit.Moveon.Thechoiceisyours.Reactivepeoplemakechoicesbasedonimpulse.Theyarelikeacanofsoda

pop.Iflifeshakesthemupabit,thepressurebuildsandtheysuddenlyexplode.“Hey,youstupidjerk!Getoutofmylane!”Proactivepeoplemakechoicesbasedonvalues.They think before theyact.

Theyrecognizetheycan’tcontroleverythingthathappenstothem,buttheycancontrolwhattheydoaboutit.Unlikereactivepeoplewhoarefullofcarbonation,proactivepeoplearelikewater.Shakethemupallyouwant,takeoffthelid,andnothing. No fizzing, no bubbling, no pressure. They are calm, cool, and incontrol.“I’mnotgoingtoletthatguygetmeupsetandruinmyday.”

Agreatwaytounderstandtheproactivemind-setistocompareproactiveandreactiveresponsestosituationsthathappenallthetime.

SceneOne:You overhear your best friend bad-mouthing you in front of a group. She

doesn’tknowyouoverheard theconversation.Just fiveminutesago, thissamefriendwassweet-talkingyoutoyourface.Youfeelhurtandbetrayed.

Reactivechoices•Tellheroff.Thenhither.•Go intoadeepdepressionbecauseyou feel sobadaboutwhat shesaid.•Decidethatshe’satwo-facedliarandgiveherthesilenttreatmentfortwomonths.•Spreadviciousrumorsabouther.Afterall,shedidittoyou.

Proactivechoices•Forgiveher.•Confrontherandcalmlysharehowyoufeel.• Ignore it and give her a second chance. Realize that she hasweaknesses just like you and that occasionally you talk behind herbackwithoutreallymeaninganyharm.

SceneTwo:You’vebeenworkingatyour job in the store foroverayearnowandhave

beenextremelycommittedanddependable.Threemonthsago,anewemployeejoinedthecrew.Recently,hewasgiventhecovetedSaturdayafternoonshift,theshiftyouwerehopingfor.

Reactivechoices•Spendhalfyourwakinghourscomplainingtoeveryoneandtheirdogabouthowunfairthisdecisionwas.•Scrutinizethenewemployeeandfindhiseveryweakness.•Becomeconvincedyour supervisorhas formedaconspiracyand isouttogetyou.•Begintoslackoffwhileworkingyourshift.

Proactivechoices•Talkwithyoursupervisoraboutwhythenewemployeegotthebettershift.•Continuetobeahard-workingemployee.•Learnwhatyoucandotoimproveyourperformance.•Ifyoudetermineyouareinadead-endjob,beginlookingforanewone.

•LISTENTOYOURLANGUAGEYoucanusuallyhearthedifferencebetweenproactiveandreactivepeopleby

thetypeoflanguagetheyuse.Reactivelanguageusuallysoundslikethis:“That’sme.That’sjustthewayIam.”Whatthey’rereallysayingis,I’mnot

responsibleforthewayIact.Ican’tchange.Iwaspredeterminedtobethisway.“Ifmybosswasn’tsuchajerk,thingswouldbedifferent.”Whatthey’rereally

sayingis,Mybossisthecauseofallmyproblems,notme.“Thanksalot.Youjustruinedmyday.”Whatthey’rereallysayingis,I’mnot

incontrolofmyownmoods.Youare.“Ifonly Iattendedadifferentschool,hadbetter friends,mademoremoney,

lived in a different apartment, had a boyfriend… then I’d be happy.” Whatthey’rereallysayingis,I’mnotincontrolofmyownhappiness,“things”are.Imusthavethingstobehappy.Notice that reactive language takes power away from you and gives it to

somethingorsomeoneelse.AsmyfriendJohnBythewayexplains inhisbookWhat IWish I’dKnown inHigh School, when you’re reactive it’s like givingsomeoneelsetheremotecontroltoyourlifeandsaying,“Here,changemymoodanytime you wish.” Proactive language, on the other hand, puts the remotecontrol back intoyourownhands.Youare then free to choosewhich channelyouwanttobeon.

REACTIVELANGUAGE PROACTIVELANGUAGE

I’lltry I’lldoit

That’sjustthewayIam Icandobetterthanthat

There’snothingIcando Let’slookatallouroptions

Ihaveto

Ichooseto

Ican’t There’sgottabeaway

Youruinedmyday I’mnotgoingtoletyourbadmoodruboffonme

•THEVICTIMITISVIRUSSomepeoplesufferfromacontagiousvirusIcall“victimitis.”Perhapsyou’ve

seen it.People infectedwithvictimitisbelieve thateveryonehas it in for themandthattheworldowesthemsomething…whichisn’tthecaseatall.IlikethewayauthorMarkTwainput it:“Don’tgoaroundsayingtheworldowesyoualiving.Theworldowesyounothing.Itwasherefirst.”Iplayedcollegefootballwithaguywho,unfortunately,becameinfected.His

commentsdrovemecrazy:“Iwouldbestarting,butthecoacheshavesomethingagainstme.”“Iwasabouttointercepttheball,butsomebodycutmeoff.”“Iwouldhavegotabetter40-yard-dashtime,butmyshoescameloose.”“Yeah, sure,” I always felt like saying. “And I’d be President if my dad

weren’tbald.”Tome,itwaslittlewonderthatheneverplayed.Inhismind,theproblemwasalways“out there.”Heneverconsidered thatperhapshisattitudewastheproblem.Adreana, an honor student from Chicago, grew up in a home plagued by

victimitis:

Iamblackandproudof it.Colorhasnotstood inmywayandI learnsomuch from white and black teachers and counselors alike. But in my ownhomeit’sadifferentthing.Mymother,whodominatesthefamily,isfiftyyearsold,camefromtheSouth,andstillactsasthoughslaverywasjustabolished.She seesmydoinggood in school as a threat, as if I am joining the“whitefolks.”Shestilluseslanguagelike“themaniskeepingusfromdoingthisandthat.Heiskeepingusboxedupandwon’tletusdoanything.”I always rebut with “No man is keeping you from doing anything, only

yourself, because youkeep thinking theway you think.”Evenmyboyfriendfalls into the white-man-is-holding-me-back attitude. When he was recentlytrying to purchase a car and the sale didn’t go through, he remarked withfrustration,“Thewhitemandoesn’twantustogetanything.”Ialmostlostitand confronted him with how silly that kind of thinking was. But it onlyresultedinhimfeelingthatIwastakingthesideofthewhiteman.Iremainconvincedthattheonlypersonwhocanholdyoubackisyourself.

Besidesfeelinglikevictims,reactivepeople:•Areeasilyoffended

•Blameothers•Getangryandsaythingstheylaterregret•Whineandcomplain•Waitforthingstohappentothem•Changeonlywhentheyhaveto

•ITPAYSTOBEPROACTIVEProactivepeopleareadifferentbreed.Proactivepeople:

•Arenoteasilyoffended•Takeresponsibilityfortheirchoices•Thinkbeforetheyact•Bouncebackwhensomethingbadhappens•Alwaysfindawaytomakeithappen•Focusonthingstheycandosomethingabout,anddon’tworryaboutthingstheycan’t

IrememberstartinganewjobandworkingwithaguynamedRandy.Idon’tknowwhathisproblemwas,butforsomereasonRandydidn’tlikeme,andhewanted me to know it. He’d say rude and insulting things to me. He wasconstantly talkingbehindmyback andgettingothers to sidewithhimagainstme. I remember returning from a vacation one time and a friend telling me,“Boy, Sean, if you only knewwhatRandy has been saying about you.You’dbetterwatchyourback.”ThereweretimesIwantedtopoundtheguy,butIsomehowmanagedtokeep

my cool and ignore his silly attacks. Whenever he insulted me, I made it apersonalchallengetotreathimwellinreturn.IhadfaiththatthingswouldworkoutintheendifIactedthisway.Inamatterofa fewmonths thingsbegan tochange.Randycouldsee that I

wasn’t going to play his game and began to lighten up.He even toldme onetime,“I’ve triedtooffendyou,butyouwon’t takeoffense.”Afterbeingat thecompanyforaboutayear,webecamefriendsandgainedrespectforeachother.Had I reacted to his attacks, which was my feline instinct, I’m certain wewouldn’tbefriendstoday.Oftenallittakesisonepersontocreateafriendship.MaryBethdiscoveredforherselfthebenefitsofbeingproactive:

Ihadtakenaclassatschoolwherewehadtalkedaboutproactivity,andIhad wondered about how to really apply it. One day as I was checkinggroceriesforaguy,hesuddenlytoldmethatthegroceriesIhadjustrungupweren’this.Myfirstreactionwas tosay,“Youidiot,” thenput thebardown between the other customer’s groceries. “Why didn’t you stop mesooner?”SoIhavetodeleteitallandcalltogetthechangesapprovedbyasupervisorwhilehe just stands thereand thinks it’s funny.Meanwhile theairisrisingandI’mgettingrealirritated.TotopitoffhethenhasthenervetoquestionthepriceIchargedhimforthebroccoli.

To my horror, I discovered that he was right. I had put the wrong codenumbers in the register for the broccoli. Now I was extra irritated and sotempted to lash out at him to cover for my own mistake. But then this ideapoppedintomymind:“BeProactive.”So I said, “You are right, sir. It’s completely my fault. I will correct the

pricing. It will just take a couple of seconds.” I also remembered that beingproactivedoesn’tmeanyou’readoormat,soIremindedhimnicelythattoavoidthiskindof thing in the futurehewouldneed toalwaysput thebardown thatseparatesorders.Itfeltsogood.Ihadapologized,butIhadalsosaidwhatIwantedtosay.It

was such a simple little thing, but it gave me such inner conversion andconfidenceinthishabit.

At this point you’re probably ready to shoot me and say, “Now come on,Sean. It’s not that easy.” I won’t argue with you. Being reactive is so mucheasier.It’seasytoloseyourcool.Thatdoesn’ttakeanycontrol.Andit’seasytowhineandcomplain.Withoutquestion,beingproactiveisthehigherroad.But,remember,youdon’thavetobeperfect.Inreality,youandIaren’teither

completelyproactiveor reactivebutprobablysomewhere inbetween.Thekeythenistogetinthehabitofbeingproactivesoyoucanrunonautopilotandnoteven have to think about it. If you’re choosing to be proactive 20 out of 100times on average each day, try doing it 30 out of 100 times. Then 40.Neverunderestimatethehugedifferencesmallchangescanmake.

•WECANCONTROLONLYONETHING

Thefact is,wecan’tcontroleverythingthathappenstous.Wecan’tcontrolthecolorofourskin,whowillwin theNBAfinals,wherewewereborn,whoourparentsare,howmuchtuitionwillbenextfall,orhowothersmighttreatus.But there isonethingwecancontrol:howwerespond towhathappens tous.Andthatiswhatcounts!Thisiswhyweneedtostopworryingaboutthingswecan’tcontrolandstartworryingaboutthingswecan.Picturetwocircles.Theinnercircleisourcircleofcontrol.Itincludesthings

wehavecontrolover,suchasourselves,ourattitudes,ourchoices,ourresponsetowhateverhappenstous.Surroundingthecircleofcontrol is thecircleofnocontrol.Itincludesthethousandsofthingswecan’tdoanythingabout.Now,whatwillhappenifwespendourtimeandenergyworryingaboutthings

we can’t control, like a rude comment, a past mistake, or the weather? Youguessed it! We’ll feel even more out of control, as if we were victims. Forinstance, if your sister bugs you and you’re always complaining about herweaknesses(somethingyouhavenocontrolover),thatwon’tdoanythingtofixtheproblem.It’llonlycauseyoutoblameyourproblemsonherandlosepoweryourself.

Renathatoldmeastorythatillustratesthispoint.Aweekbeforeherupcomingvolleyball game,Renatha learned that themother of a player on the opposing

team had made fun of Renatha’s volleyball skills. Instead of ignoring thecomments,Renathabecameangryandspenttherestoftheweekstewing.Whenthegamearrived,heronlygoalwastoprovetothismotherthatshewasagoodplayer.Tomake a long story short,Renatha played poorly, spentmuchof hertimeonthebench,andherteamlostthegame.Shewassofocusedonsomethingshecouldn’tcontrol(whatwassaidabouther) thatshe lostcontrolof theonlythingshecould,herself.Proactivepeople,ontheotherhand,focuselsewhere…onthethingstheycan

control.Bydoingsotheyexperienceinnerpeaceandgainmorecontroloftheirlives. They learn to smile about and live with themany things they can’t doanythingabout.Theymaynotlikethem,buttheyknowit’snouseworrying.

•TURNINGSETBACKSINTOTRIUMPHSLifeoftendealsusabadhandandit isuptoustocontrolhowwerespond.

Everytimewehaveasetback,it’sanopportunityforustoturnitintoatriumph,asthisaccountbyBradLemleyfromParademagazineillustrates:“It’snotwhathappenstoyouinlife,it’swhatyoudoaboutit,”orsosaysW.

Mitchell,aself-mademillionaire,asought-afterspeaker,aformermayor,ariverrafterandsky-diver.Andheaccomplishedallthisafterhisaccidents.IfyousawMitchellyou’dfindthishardtobelieve.Yousee,thisguy’sfaceis

apatchworkofmulti-coloredskingrafts,thefingersofbothhishandsareeithermissing or mere stubs, and his paralyzed legs lie thin and useless under hisslacks.Mitchellsayssometimespeople try toguesshowhewasinjured.Acarwreck?Vietnam?Therealstoryismoreastoundingthanonecouldeverimagine.OnJune19,1971,hewasontopoftheworld.Thedaybefore,hehadboughtabeautiful newmotorcycle.Thatmorning, he soloed in an airplane for the firsttime.Hewasyoung,healthy,andpopular.“Thatafternoon,Igotonthatmotorcycletoridetowork,”herecalls,“andat

anintersection,alaundrytruckandIcollided.Thebikewentdown,crushedmyelbowandfracturedmypelvis,andthegascanpoppedopenonthemotorcycle.Thegaspouredout, theheatof theengine ignited it,andIgotburnedover65percent of my body.” Fortunately, a quick-thinking man in a nearby car lotdousedMitchellwithafireextinguisherandsavedhislife.Evenso,Mitchell’sfacehadbeenburnedoff,hisfingerswereblack,charred,

and twisted,his legswerenothingbut raw, redflesh. Itwascommonfor first-timevisitors to lookathimandfaint.Hewasunconsciousfor twoweeks,andthenheawakened.Over four months, he had 13 transfusions, 16 skin-graft operations, and

severalothersurgeries.Fouryearslater,afterspendingmonthsinrehabilitationand years learning to adapt to his new handicaps, the unthinkable happened.Mitchell was involved in a freak airplane crash, and was paralyzed from thewaist down. “When I tell people therewere two separate accidents,” he says,“theycanhardlystandit.”Afterhisparalyzingplanecrashaccident,Mitchellrecallsmeetinganineteen-

year-oldpatientinthehospital’sgymnasium.“Thisguyhadalsobeenparalyzed.Hehadbeenamountainclimber,askier,anactiveoutdoorsperson,andhewasconvincedhislifewasover.Finally,Iwentovertothisguyandsaid,‘Youknowsomething?Beforeallthishappenedtome,therewere10,000thingsIcoulddo.Nowthereare9,000.Icouldspendtherestofmylifedwellingonthe1,000thatIlost,butIchoosetofocusonthe9,000thatareleft.’”Mitchell says his secret is twofold. First is the love and encouragement of

friends and family, and second is a personal philosophy he has gleaned fromvarious sources. He realized he did not have to buy society’s notion that onemust be handsome and healthy to be happy. “I am in charge of my ownspaceship,”hestatesemphatically.“Itismyup,mydown.Icouldchoosetoseethissituationasasetbackorastartingpoint.”IlikehowHelenKellerputit,“Somuchhasbeengiventome.Ihavenotime

toponderthatwhichhasbeendenied.”Althoughmostofoursetbackswon’tbeassevereasMitchell’s,allofuswill

have our fair share. Youmight get dumped by a girlfriend, youmay lose anelectionatschool,youmaygetbeatenupbyagang,youmaynotgetacceptedtotheschoolofyourchoice,youmaybecomeseriouslyill.Ihopeandbelievethatyouwillbeproactiveandstronginthesedefiningmoments.I remember amajor setback ofmy own.Two years after I had become the

starting quarterback in college, I seriously injured my knee, fell behind, andsubsequently lostmyposition. IvividlyrecallCoachcallingmeintohisofficejustbeforetheseasonbeganandtellingmetheywerehandingthestartingjobtosomeoneelse.

Ifeltsick.Ihadworkedmywholelifetogettothisposition.Itwasmysenioryear.Thiswasn’tsupposedtohappen.Asabackup, Ihadachoice tomake. Icouldcomplain,bad-mouth thenew

guy,andfeelsorryformyself.Or…Icouldmakethemostofthesituation.Luckily,Idecidedtodealwithit.Iwasnolongerthrowingtouchdowns,butI

could help in otherways. So I swallowedmy pride and began supporting thenewguyand therestof the team.Iworkedhardandpreparedmyself foreachgameasifIwerethestarter.And,moresignificant,Ichosetokeepmychinup.Wasiteasy?Notatall.Ioftenfeltlikeafailure.Sittingouteverygameafter

being the starterwashumiliating.Andkeepingagoodattitudewas a constantstruggle.Was it the right choice?Definitely.Even though Iworeoutmybumon the

benchallyear, Icontributed to the teaminotherways.Most important, I tookresponsibility for my attitude. I cannot begin to tell you what a positivedifferencethissingulardecisionmadeinmylife.

•RISINGABOVEABUSEOneof thehardest setbacksofall iscopingwithabuse. I’llnever forget the

morningIspentwithagroupofteenswhohadbeensexuallyabusedaschildren,werevictimsofdaterapeorwereotherwiseabusedemotionallyorphysically.Heathertoldmethisstory:

Iwas sexually abused at fourteen. It happenedwhen Iwas at a fair. A boyfromschoolcameuptomeandsaid,“Ireallyneedtotalktoyou,comewithmefora fewminutes.”Ineversuspectedanythingbecause thiskidwasmy friend

andhadalwaysbeenreallynicetome.Hetookmeonalongwalkandweendedupdownatthedugoutsatthehighschool.Thatwaswhereheforcedandrapedme.Hekept tellingme,“Ifyou tellanyone,noonewillbelieveyou.Youwanted

this to happen to you anyway.”He also toldme thatmy parentswould be soashamedofme.Ikeptquietaboutitfortwoyears.Finally, Iwas attending a help sessionwhere peoplewhowere abused told

theirstoriesandthisonegirlgotupandtoldastorysimilartomine.Whenshesaidthenameoftheboythatabusedher,Istartedtocrybecauseitwasthesameone who had raped me. It turned out that there were six of us who werevictimizedbyhim.

Fortunately,Heatherisnowontheroadtorecoveryandhasfoundtremendousstrengthinbeingpartofateengroupthatistryingtohelpotherabusevictims.By coming forward, she has also put a stop tomore people being hurt by thesameboy.Bridgett’sstory,unfortunately,isverycommon:

AttheageoffiveIwassexuallyabusedbyafamilymember.TooafraidtotellanyoneI tried toburymyhurtandanger.NowthatIhavecometo termswithwhat happened, I look back on my life and can see how it has affectedeverything. In trying to hide something terrible I ended up hiding myself. Itwasn’t until thirteen years later that I finally confronted my childhoodnightmare.ManypeoplehavebeenthroughthesameexperienceasIhaveorsomething

thatisrelated.Mosthideit.Why?Someareafraidfortheirlives.Otherswanttoprotectthemselvesorsomeoneelse.Butwhateverthereason,hidingitisn’ttheanswer.Itonlyleavesacutsodeepinthesoulthatitseemsthatthere’snowayofhealingit.Confrontingitistheonlywaytosewupthatbleedinggash.Findsomeonetotalkto,someoneyoufeelcomfortablewith,someoneyoucantrust.Itisalonganddifficultprocess,butonceyoucometotermswithit,it’sonlythenthatyoucanstarttolive.

If you have been abused, it’s not your fault. And the truth has to be told.Abusethrivesinsecrecy.Bytellinganotherperson,youimmediatelydivideyourprobleminhalf.Talkwithalovedoneorfriendyoucantrust,takepartinahelpsession, or visit a professional therapist. If the first person you share yourtroubleswithisn’treceptive,don’tgiveup–keepsharinguntilyoufindsomeonewhois.Sharingyoursecretwithanotherisanimportantstepinthehealingandforgivingprocess.Beproactive.Take the initiative todo it.Youdon’t need to

livewiththisburdenforonedaylonger.(Pleaserefertotheabusehotlineslistedatthebackofthebookforhelporinformation.)

•BECOMINGACHANGEAGENTI once asked a group of teenagers,Who are your role models? One girl

mentionedhermother.Anotherkidtalkedabouthisbrother.Andsoon.Oneguywasnoticeablysilent. Iaskedhimwhomheadmired.Hesaidquietly,“Idon’thavearolemodel.”Allhewantedtodowasmakesurehedidn’t turnout likethepeoplewhoshouldhavebeenhisrolemodels.Unfortunately,thisisthecasewithmanyteens.Theycomefrommessed-upfamiliesandmaynothaveanyonetopatterntheirlivesafter.The scary thing is that bad habits such as abuse, alcoholism, and welfare

dependency are often passed down from parents to kids, and, as a result,dysfunctionalfamilieskeeprepeatingthemselves.Forexample,ifyouhavebeenabusedasachild,thestatisticsshowthatyouarelikelytobecomeanabuseraswell.Sometimestheseproblemsgobackforgenerations.Youmaycomefromalong line of alcohol or drug abusers. You may come from a long line ofdependencyonwelfare.Perhapsnooneinyourfamilyhasevergraduatedfromcollegeorevenhighschool.Thegoodnewsisthatyoucanstopthecycle.Becauseyouareproactive,you

can stop these bad habits from being passed on. You can become a “changeagent” and pass on good habits to future generations, starting with your ownkids.A tenaciousyounggirlnamedHilda sharedwithmehowshehasbecomea

changeagentinherfamily.Educationwasnevervaluedinherhome,andHildacould see the consequences of it. SaysHilda: “Mymomworked in a factorysewing,forverylittlemoney,andmyfatherworkedforslightlyoverminimumwage. Iwouldhear themarguingover themoneyandhowtheyweregoing topay the rent. The highest grade my parents went to in school was the sixthgrade.”

WhetherIfailorsucceedshallbenoman’sdoingbutmyown.Iamtheforce.ELAINEMAXWELL

Asa younggirl,Hilda vividly remembers her dadbeingunable to help herwithherhomeworkbecausehecouldn’treadEnglish.Thiswashardonher.WhenHildawas in junior high, her familymoved fromCalifornia back to

Mexico.Hildasoonrealizedthattherewerelimitededucationaloptionsforherthere,sosheaskedifshecouldmovebacktotheStatestolivewithheraunt.ForthenextseveralyearsHildamadegreatsacrificestostayinschool.“Itwashardtobecrowdedintoaroomwithmycousin,”shesays,“andhave

to share a bed andwork to pay them rent aswell as go to school, but itwasworthit.“Even though I had a kid and got married in high school, I kept going to

schoolandworkingtowardfinishingmyeducation.Iwantedtoprovetomydadthat nomatter what, hewaswrongwhen he said no one in our family couldbecomeaprofessional.”Hildawillsoonbegraduatingwithauniversitydegreeinfinance.Shewants

her educational values to be passed on to her kids: “Today, every time I can,whenIamnotinschool,IsitonthesofaandIreadtomyson.IamteachinghimhowtospeakEnglishandSpanish.I’mtryingtosavemoneyforhiseducation.Onedayhewillneedhelpwithhishomework,andIwillbetheretohelphimreadit.”

I interviewed another sixteen-year-old kid named Shane from theMidwestwhoisalsobecomingachangeagentinhisfamily.Shaneliveswithhisparentsand two siblings in a poor section of town called the projects. Although hisparentsarestilltogether,they’reconstantlyfightingandaccusingeachotherofhavingaffairs.Hisdaddrivesatruckandisneverhome.Hismomsmokesweedwithhistwelve-year-oldsister.Hisolderbrotherfailedtwoyearsofhighschoolandfinallydroppedout.AtonepointShanehadlosthope.Justwhenhe’dthoughthehadhitrockbottom,hegotinvolvedinacharacter

developmentclassatschool(thattaughtthe7Habits),andhebegantoseethattherewerethingshecoulddotoseizecontrolofhislifeandcreateafutureforhimself.Fortunately,Shane’sgrandfatherownedtheupstairsapartmentwhereShane’s

familylived,soShanepaidhimonehundreddollarsamonthrent,andhemoved

to that apartment. He now has his own sanctuary and is able to block outeverythinghedoesn’twanttobepartofonthefloorbelow.SaysShane:“Thingshavegottenbetternowforme.ItreatmyselfbetterandIshowmyselfrespect.Myfamilydoesn’thaveverymuchrespectforthemselves.Althoughnobodyinmy family has ever gone to college, I have been accepted to three differentuniversities. Everything I do now is for my future.My future is going to bedifferent.IknowIwon’tsitdownwithmytwelve-year-olddaughterandsmokeweed.”Youhavethepowerwithinyoutoriseabovewhatevermayhavebeenpassed

downtoyou.YoumaynothavetheoptionofmovingupstairstoescapefromitallasShanedid,butyoucanfigurativelymoveupstairsinyourmind.Nomatterhowbadyourpredicamentis,youcanbecomeachangeagentandcreateanewlifeforyourselfandwhatevermayfollow.

•GROWINGYOURPROACTIVEMUSCLESThe following poem is a great summary of what it means to take

responsibility for one’s life and how a person can gradually move from areactivetoaproactiveframeofmind.

AUTOBIOGRAPHYIN

FIVESHORTCHAPTERSFromThere’saHoleinMySidewalkbyPortiaNelson

IIwalkdownthestreet.

Thereisadeepholeinthesidewalk.Ifallin.

Iamlost…Iamhelpless.Itisn’tmyfault.

Ittakesforevertofindawayout.

IIIwalkdownthesamestreet.

Thereisadeepholeinthesidewalk.IpretendIdon’tseeit.

Ifallinagain.Ican’tbelieveIaminthesameplace.

But,itisn’tmyfault.

Itstilltakesalongtimetogetout.

IIIIwalkdownthesamestreet.

Thereisadeepholeinthesidewalk.Iseeitisthere.

Istillfallin.It’sahabit.Myeyesareopen.IknowwhereIam.

Itismyfault.Igetoutimmediately.

IVIwalkdownthesamestreet.

Thereisadeepholeinthesidewalk.Iwalkaroundit.

VIwalkdownanotherstreet.

You,too,cantakeresponsibilityforyourlifeandstayawayfrompotholesbyflexingyourproactivemuscles. It’s a “breakthrough”habit thatwill saveyourbaconmoreoftenthanyoucouldeverimagine!

•CAN-DOBeing proactive really means two things. First, you take responsibility for

your life.Second,youhave a “can-do” attitude.Can-do isverydifferent from“no-can-do.”Justtakeapeek.

CAN-DOPEOPLE NO-CAN-DOPEOPLE

Take initiative to make ithappen

Wait for something to happen tothem

Thinkaboutproblemsandbarriers

Thinkaboutsolutionsandoptions

Act

Areactedupon

Ifyouthinkcan-do,andyou’recreativeandpersistent,it’samazingwhatyoucan accomplish. During college, I remember being told that to fulfill mylanguagerequirement,Iwould“haveto”takeaclassthatIhadnointerestinandwasmeaninglesstome.Insteadoftakingthisclass,however,Idecidedtocreatemyown.So I put together a list of books Iwould read and the assignments Iwould do and found a teacher to sponsorme. I thenwent to the dean of theschool and presented my case. He bought into my idea and I completed mylanguagerequirementbytakingmyself-builtcourse.American aviator Elinor Smith once said, “It has long since come to my

attentionthatpeopleofaccomplishmentrarelysatbackandletthingshappentothem.Theywentoutandhappenedtothings.”It’ssotrue.Toreachyourgoalsinlife,youmustseizetheinitiative.Ifyou’re

feelingbadaboutnotbeingaskedoutondates,don’tjustsitaroundandsulk,dosomethingaboutit.Findwaystomeetpeople.Befriendlyandtrysmilingalot.Askthemout.Theymaynotknowhowgreatyouare.Don’twait for thatperfect job to fall inyour lap,goafter it.Sendoutyour

résumé,network,volunteertoworkforfree.Ifyou’reatastoreandneedassistance,don’twaitforthesalespersontofind

you,youfindthem.Some people mistake can-do for being pushy, aggressive, or obnoxious.

Wrong.Can-doiscourageous,persistent,andsmart.Othersthinkcan-dopeoplestretchtherulesandmaketheirownlaws.Notso.Can-dothinkersarecreative,enterprising,andextremelyresourceful.Pia, awork associate ofmine, shared the following story.Although it took

placealongtimeago,theprincipleofcan-doisthesame:

Iwas a young journalist in a big city in Europe, working full-time as areporter for United Press International. I was inexperienced and alwaysnervous thatIwouldn’tbeable to liveup to theexpectationsofa toughandmuch older male press crew. The Beatles were coming to town, and to myamazementIwasappointedtocovertheirstay.(Myeditordidn’tknowhowbigtheywere.)TheywerethehottestthinginEuropeinthosedays.Girlsfaintedby the hundreds just by their presence, and here Iwas going to cover theirpressconference.The press conference was exciting and I was elated to be there, but I

realizedthateveryonewouldhavethesamestory—Ineededsomethingmore,somethingmeaty,somethingthatreallywouldmakefrontpage.Ijustcouldn’t

wastethisopportunity.Onebyone,alltheexperiencedreporterswentbacktotheirpaperstoreportandtheBeatleswentuptotheirrooms.Istayedbehind.I’vegottofigureoutawaytogettotheseguys,Ithought.Andthere’snotimetolose.I walked to the hotel lobby, picked up the house phone, and dialed the

penthouse. I guessed theywould be staying there.Theirmanager answered.“ThisisPiaJensenfromUnitedPressInternational.IwouldliketocometalktotheBeatles,”Isaidconfidently.(WhatdidIhavetolose?)Tomyamazementhesaid,“Comeonup.”TremblingandfeelinglikeIhadhitthejackpot,Ienteredtheelevatorand

wentup to the royal suites of thehotel. Iwas led into anareaas big as anentire floor—andhere theyall sat,Ringo,Paul,John,andGeorge. Igulpeddown my nervousness and inexperience and tried to act like a world-classreporter.Ispentthenexttwohourslaughing,listening,talking,writing,andhaving

thebesttimeofmylife.Theytreatedmeroyallyandgavemealltheattentionintheworld!My storywas splashed on the front page of the leadingnewspaper in the

countrythenextmorning.AndmymoreextendedinterviewswitheachoftheBeatlesappearedasa feature inmostof thenewspapersof theworldwithinthe next few days.When theRolling Stones came to town after that—guesswhotheysent?Me,ayoung,female,inexperiencedreporter.Iusedthesameapproach with them and it worked again. I soon realized what I couldaccomplishbybeingpleasantlypersistent.Apatternwassetinmymind,andIwas convinced anythingwas possible.With this approach, I usually got thebeststory,andmynewscareertookonanewdimension.

GeorgeBernardShaw,theEnglishplaywright,knewallaboutcan-do.Listentohowhesaidit:“Peoplearealwaysblamingtheircircumstancesforwhattheyare.Idon’tbelieveincircumstances.Thepeoplewhogetoninthisworldarethepeoplewhogetupand lookfor thecircumstances theywant,and if theycan’tfindthem,makethem.”PayattentiontohowDenisewasabletocreatethecircumstancesshewanted:

I know it’s strange for a teenager towant towork in a library, but I reallywantedthatjob—morethanIhadeverwantedanything,buttheyweren’thiring.Iwouldgotothelibraryeverydayandread,hangoutwithmyfriends,andjustgetawayfromhome—whatbetterplacetoworkthansomeplaceIalreadyhungoutat?AlthoughIdidn’thavea job there, Igot toknowtheofficestaff,andIvolunteeredforspecialeventsandprettysoonIwasoneoftheregulars.Itpaid

off.Whentheyfinallyhadanopening,Iwastheirfirstchoice,andIfoundoneofthebestjobsIeverhad.

•JUSTPUSHPAUSE

Sowhensomeoneisrudetoyou,wheredoyougetthepowertoresistbeingrudeback?Forstarters, justpushpause.Yep, justreachupandpushthepausebutton to your life just as youwould on your remote control. (If I rememberright, the pause button is found somewhere in the middle of your forehead.)Sometimes life is moving so fast that we instantly react to everything out ofsheerhabit.Ifyoucanlearntopause,getcontrol,andthinkabouthowyouwantto respond, you’llmake smarter decisions.Yes, your childhood, your parents,yourgenes,andyourenvironmentinfluenceyoutoactincertainways,buttheycan’tmakeyoudoanything.Youarenotdeterminedbutarefreetochoose.Whileyourlifeisonpause,openupyourtoolbox(theonethatyouwereborn

with) and use your four human tools to help you decidewhat to do.Animalsdon’thavethesetoolsandthat’swhyyou’resmarterthanyourdog.Thesetoolsareself-awareness,conscience, imagination,andwillpower.Youmightwant tocallthemyourpowertools.

SELF-AWARENESS:

I can stand apart from myself andobservemythoughtsandactions.

CONSCIENCE: Icanlistentomyinnervoicetoknowrightfromwrong.

IMAGINATION: Icanenvisionnewpossibilities.

WILLPOWER: Ihavethepowertochoose.

Let’sillustratethesetoolsbyimaginingateennamedRosaandherdog,Woof,astheygoforawalk:“Here,boy.Whatsaywegooutside,”saysRosaasWoofleapsupanddown,

wagginghistail.It’s been a roughweek forRosa.Not only has she just broken upwith her

boyfriend,Eric,butsheandhermomarebarelyonspeakingterms.Asshestrollsdownthesidewalk,Rosabeginsthinkingaboutthepastweek.

“Youknowwhat?”shemusestoherself.“BreakingupwithErichasreallybeentoughonme.It’sprobablywhyI’vebeensorudetoMomandtakingoutallmyfrustrationsonher.”

YouseewhatRosaisdoing?She’sstandingapartfromherselfandevaluatingandmeasuringheractions.Thisprocessiscalledself-awareness.It’satoolthatis native to all humanoids. By using her self-awareness, Rosa is able torecognize that she’s allowing her breakup with Eric to affect her relationshipwithhermom.Thisobservationisthefirststeptochangingthewayshehasbeentreatinghermother.Meanwhile,Woofseesacatupaheadand instinctively takesoff ina frenzy

afterit.AlthoughWoofisaloyaldog,heiscompletelyunawareofhimself.Hedoesn’t

evenknowthatheisadog.Heisincapableofstandingapartfromhimselfandsaying,“Youknowwhat?EversinceSuzy(hisdogfriendnextdoor)moved,I’vebeentakingoutmyangeronalltheneighborhoodcats.”Asshecontinuesherstroll,Rosa’sthoughtsbegintowander.Shecanhardly

waitfortheschoolconcerttomorrow,whenshewillbeperformingasolo.Musicisherlife.Rosaimaginesherselfsingingattheconcert.Sheseesherselfdazzlingtheaudience,thenbowingtoreceivearousingstandingovationfromallofherfriendsandteachers…and,ofcourse,allthecuteguys.

Inthisscene,Rosaisusinganotheroneofherhumantools,imagination.Itisaremarkablegift. Itallowsus toescapeourpresentcircumstancesandcreatenewpossibilitiesinourheads.Itgivesusachancetovisualizeourfuturesanddreamupwhatwewouldliketobecome.WhileRosa is imaginingvisionsofgrandeur,Woof isbusilydiggingup the

earthtryingtogetataworm.

Woof’s imagination isaboutasaliveasarock.Zilch.Hecan’t thinkbeyondthemoment.Hecan’tenvisionnewpossibilities.CanyouimagineWoofthinking,“Someday,I’mgoingtomakeLassielooklikechoppedliver”?

“Hi,Rosa,whatchadoin’?”saysHeide,pullingupalongsideRosainhercar.“Oh,hello,Heide,”repliesastartledRosa,asshebringsherthoughtsbackto

earth.“Yousurprisedme.I’mjusttakingWoofforawalk.”“Hey,IheardaboutyouandEric.Whatabummer.”Rosa is bothered by Heide’s reference to Eric. It’s none of her business.

AlthoughsheistemptedtobecurtwithHeide,sheknowsHeideisnewatschoolanddesperatelyinneedoffriends.Rosafeelsthatbeingwarmandfriendlyistherightthingtodo.“Yeah, breaking upwith Eric has been tough. So how are thingswith you,

Heide?”Rosa has just used her human tool called conscience. A conscience is an

“inner voice” that will always teach us right from wrong. Each of us has aconscience.Anditwilleithergroworshrinkdependinguponwhetherornotwefollowitspromptings.

Meanwhile,WoofisrelievinghimselfonMr.Newman’snewlypaintedwhitepicketfence.Woofhasabsolutelynomoralsenseofrightandwrong.Afterall,heisjusta

dog.Anddogswilldowhatevertheirinstinctscompelthemtodo.Rosa’swalkwithWoofcomestoanend.Assheopensthefrontdoortoher

house,shehearshermomyellfromtheotherroom,“Rosa,justwherehaveyoubeen?I’vebeenlookingalloverforyou.“Rosahadalreadymadeuphermind tonot losehercoolwithhermom,so,

despitewantingtoyellback“Getoutofmyface,”sherespondscalmly,“JustoutforawalkwithWoof,Mom…”“Woof!Woof!Come back here,” screamsRosa asWoof darts out the open

doortochasethelocalpaperboyonhisbike.

WhileRosaisusingherfourthhumantoolofwillpowertocontrolheranger,Woof,whohasbeentoldnottochasethepaperboy,isovercomebyhisinstincts.Willpower is the power to act. It says that we have the power to choose, tocontrolouremotions,andtoovercomeourhabitsandinstincts.Asyou can see in the above example,we either use or fail to use our four

human tools everydayof our lives.Themoreweuse them, the stronger theybecomeandthemorepowerwehavetobeproactive.However,ifwefailtousethem,wetendtoreactbyinstinctlikeadogandnotactbychoicelikeahuman.

•HUMANTOOLSINACTIONDermell Reed once told me how his proactive response to a family crisis

changedhis lifeforever.DermellwasraisedinoneofEastOakland’sroughestneighborhoods,thefourthinafamilyofsevenkids.NooneintheReedfamilyhadevergraduatedfromhighschoolbefore,andDermellwasn’tabouttobethefirst.Dermellwasunsureabouthisfuture.Hisfamilywasstruggling.Hisstreetwas filled with gangs and drug dealers. Could he ever get out?While in hishouse,onastillsummernightbeforehissenioryear,Dermellheardaseriesofgunshots.“It’s an everyday thing to hear gunshots, and I didn’t pay it nomind,” said

Dermell.Suddenlyoneofhisfriends,who’dbeenshotintheleg,burstthroughthedoor

andbeganholleringthatDermell’s littlebrother,Kevin,hadjustbeenshotandkilledinadrive-byshooting.“IwasupsetandIwasangryandIwashurtandIlostsomebodyIain’tnever

goingtoseeagaininmylife,”Dermelltoldme.“Hewasonlythirteenyearsold.Andhewasshotoverapetty littlestreetscuffle. Ican’texplainhowlifewentafterthat.Itwasjuststraightdownhillforthewholefamily.”Dermell’s natural reaction was to kill the murderer. After all, Dermell was

raisedinthestreetsandthiswastheonlyrealwayhecouldpaybackhisdeadbrother.Thepolicewerestilltryingtofigureoutwhodidit,butDermellknew.OnamuggyAugustnight,afewweeksafterKevin’sdeath,Dermellgotholdofa .38 caliber revolver andwent out in the streets toget revengeonTony “FatTone”Davis,thecrackdealerwhohadkilledhisbrother.“It was dark. Davis and his friends couldn’t see me. There he was sitting,

talking, laughing,having fun,andhere Iamwithin fifty feetofhim,crouchedbehindacarwithaloadedgun.Iwassittingtherethinking,‘Icouldjustpullthislittletriggerandkilltheguywhokilledmybrother.’”Bigdecision.At this point, Dermell pushed pause and caught hold of himself. Using his

imagination,hethoughtabouthispastandhisfuture.“Ithoughtaboutmylifeina matter of seconds. I weighed my options. I weighed the chances of meescaping,notgettingcaught,thepolicetryingtofigureoutwhoIwas.IthoughtaboutthetimesKevinwouldcomewatchmeplayfootball.HealwaystoldmeIwasgoingtobeaprofootballplayer.Ithoughtaboutmyfuture,aboutgoingtocollege.AboutwhatIwantedtomakeofmylife.”Pausing,Dermelllistenedtohisconscience.“I’mholdingagun,I’mshaking,

andIthinkthegoodsideofmetoldmetogetupandgohomeandgotoschool.IfItookrevenge,I’dbethrowingawaymyfuture.I’dbenobetterthantheguywhoshotmybrother.”Usingrawwillpower,Dermell,insteadofgivingintohisangerandthrowing

awayhislife,gotup,walkedhome,andvowedthathewouldfinishcollegeforhisdeadbrother.Ninemonths later Reed hadmade the honor roll and was graduating from

highschool.Peopleinhisschoolcouldn’tbelieveit.Fiveyearslater,Reedhadbecomeacollegefootballstarandacollegegraduate.LikeDermell,eachofuswillfaceanextraordinarychallengeortwoalongthe

way,andwecanchoosewhethertorisetothosechallengesortobeconqueredbythem.Elaine Maxwell sums up the entire matter quite well: “Whether I fail or

succeed shall be noman’s doing butmyown. I am the force; I can clear any

obstaclebeforemeorIcanbe lost in themaze.Mychoice;myresponsibility;winorlose,onlyIholdthekeytomydestiny.”It’skindofliketheoldVolkswagencommercials.“Ontheroadoflife,there

arepassengersandtherearedrivers…Driverswanted!”Soletmeaskyou,areyouinthedriver’sseatofyourlifeorareyoumerelya

passenger?Areyouconductingyoursymphonyorsimplybeingplayed?Areyouactinglikeacanofsodapoporabottleofwater?Afterallthat’sbeensaidanddone,thechoiceisyours!

COMINGATTRACTIONS

Inthechapterthatfollows,I’lltakeyouonarideyou’llneverforgetcalledTheGreatDiscovery.Comealong.It’sathrillaminute!

BABYSTEPS1The next time someone flips you off, give them the peace signback.2Listencarefullytoyourwordstoday.Counthowmanytimesyouusereactive language, suchas“Youmakeme…”“Ihave to…”“Whycan’tthey“Ican’t…”

ReactivelanguageIusemost:_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

3Dosomethingtodaythatyouhavewantedtodobutneverdared.Leaveyourcomfortzoneandgoforit.Asksomeoneoutonadate,raiseyourhandinclass,orjoinateam.

4 Write yourself a Post-it note: “I will notlet___________________________

___________________________decidehowI’mgoingtofeel.”Placeitinyourlocker,onyourmirror,orinyourplannerandrefertoitoften.

5At the next party, don’t just sit against the wall and wait forexcitementtofindyou,youfindit.Walkupandintroduceyourselftosomeonenew.6Thenexttimeyoureceiveagradethatyouthinkisunfair,don’tblowitofforcryaboutit,makeanappointmentwiththeteachertodiscussitandthenseewhatyoucanlearn.

7 If you get in a fight with a parent or a friend, be the first toapologize.8 Identify something in your circle of no control that you are

alwaysworryingabout.Decidenowtodropit.ThingthatIcan’tcontrolthatIalwaysworryabout:______________________________________________________

9Pushthepausebuttonbeforeyoureacttosomeonewhobumpsintoyouinthehall,callsyouaname,orcutsinline.

10Useyourtoolofself-awarenessrightnowbyaskingyourself,“Whatis my most unhealthy habit?”Make up your mind to do somethingaboutit.

Mostunhealthyhabit:________________________________________________________________________WhatI’mgoingtodoaboutit:_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Would you tell me please which way I ought to walk from here?” “Thatdependsagooddealonwhereyouwanttogetto,”saidtheCat“Idon’tmuchcarewhere-”saidAlice,“Thenitdoesn’tmatterwhichwaytowalk,”saidtheCat.

FROMALICE’SADVENTURESINWONDERLAND

You’ve just been asked to put together a jigsawpuzzle.Having donemanysuchpuzzlesbefore,you’reexcitedtogetstarted.Youpouroutall1,000pieces,spreading themoutacrossa large table.You thenpickup the lid to thebox tolookatwhatyou’reputtingtogether.Butthere’snopicture!It’sblank!Howwillyou ever be able to finish the puzzlewithout knowingwhat it looks like, youwonder? If you only had a one-second glimpse of what it’s supposed to be.That’sallyou’dneed.Whatadifference itwouldmake!Without it,youdon’thaveacluewheretoevenstart.Nowthinkaboutyourownlifeandyour1,000pieces.Doyouhaveanendin

mind?Doyouhaveaclearpictureofwhoyouwanttobeoneyearfromnow?Fiveyearsfromnow?Orareyouclueless?

Habit 2, Begin with the End inMind,means developing a clear picture ofwhereyouwanttogowithyourlife.Itmeansdecidingwhatyourvaluesareandsetting goals.Habit 1 says you are the driver of your life, not the passenger.Habit2says,sinceyou’rethedriver,decidewhereyouwanttogoanddrawupamaptogetthere.

“Nowjustwaitaminute,Sean,”youmightbethinking.“Idon’tknowwhatmyendinmindis.Idon’tknowwhatIwanttobewhenIgrowup.”Ifitmakesyoufeelanybetter,I’mgrownupandIstilldon’tknowwhatIwanttobe.Bysayingbeginwith the end inmind, I’mnot talking about deciding every littledetailofyourfuture,likechoosingyourcareerordecidingwhomyou’llmarry.I’msimplytalkingaboutthinkingbeyondtodayanddecidingwhatdirectionyouwant to take with your life, so that each step you take is always in the rightdirection.

BeginwiththeEndinMind—WhatItMeansYoumaynotrealizeit,butyoudoitall thetime.Beginningwiththeendin

mind, that is. You draw up a blueprint before you build a house. You read arecipebeforeyoubakeacake.Youcreateanoutlinebeforeyouwriteapaper(atleastIhopeyoudo).It’spartoflife.Let’shaveabegin-with-the-end-in-mindexperiencerightnowusingyourtool

ofimagination.Findaplacewhereyoucanbealonewithoutinterruption.There.Now,clearyourmindofeverything.Don’tworryabout school,your

friends, your family, or that zit on your forehead. Just focuswithme, breathedeeply,andopenyourmind.Inyourmind’seye,visualizesomeonewalkingtowardyouabouthalfablock

away.Atfirstyoucan’tseewhoitis.Asthispersongetscloserandcloser,yousuddenlyrealize,believeitornot,thatit’syou.Butit’snotyoutoday,it’syouasyouwouldliketobeoneyearfromnow.Nowthinkdeeply.Whathaveyoudonewithyourlifeoverthepastyear?Howdoyoufeelinside?Whatdoyoulooklike?What characteristics do you possess? (Remember, this is you as youwould

liketobeoneyearfromnow.)Youcanfloatbacktorealitynow.Ifyouwereagoodsportandactuallytried

thisexperiment,youprobablygotintouchwithyourdeeperself.Yougotafeelforwhat’s important to you andwhat you’d like to accomplish this next year.That’scalledbeginningwiththeendinmind.Anditdoesn’tevenhurt.AsJimdiscovered,beginningwiththeendinmindisapowerfulwaytohelp

turnyourdreamsintorealities:

When I feel frustrated or get depressed, I have found something that reallyhelpsme.IgosomeplacewhereIcanbealone,andthenIclosemyeyesandI

visualizementally where I want to be and where I want to go when I am anadult.Itrytoseethewholepictureofmydreamlife—andthenIautomaticallybegintothinkaboutwhatit’sgoingtotaketogetthere,whatIneedtochange.ThistechniquestartedwhenIwasaninthgrader,andtodayIamonmywaytomakingsomeofthosevisualizationsbecomeareality.

In fact, thinkingbeyond today can reallybequite exciting and, as this highschoolseniorattests,canhelpyoutakechargeofyourlife:

Ihaveneverplannedathinginmylife.I justdothingsastheypopup.Thethoughtthatoneshouldhaveanendinmindnever,everenteredmymind.Ithasbeen so exciting to learn, because I suddenly findmyself thinking beyond thenow. I amnownot only planningmy educationbut also thinkingabout how Iwanttoraisemykids,howIwanttoteachmyfamily,andwhatkindofhomelifewe should have. I am taking charge of me—and not blowing in the windanymore!

Whyisitsoimportanttohaveanendinmind?I’llgiveyoutwogoodreasons.Thefirstisthatyouareatacriticalcrossroadsinlife,andthepathsyouchoosenow can affect you forever. The second is that if you don’t decide your ownfuture,someoneelsewilldoitforyou.

•THECROSSROADSOFLIFELet’stakealookatthefirstimportantreason.Sohereyouare.You’reyoung.

You’re free. You have your whole life before you. You’re standing at thecrossroadsoflifeandyouhavetochoosewhichpathstotake:Doyouwanttogotocollegeorgraduateschool?Whatwillyourattitudetowardlifebe?Shouldyoutryoutforthatteam?Whattypeoffriendsdoyouwanttohave?Willyoujoinagang?Whowillyoudate?Willyouhavesexbeforemarriage?Willyoudrink,smoke,dodrugs?Whatvalueswillyouchoose?What kind of relationships do you want with your family?What will you

standfor?Howwillyoucontributetoyourcommunity?Thepathsyouchoose todaycanshapeyouforever. It’sbothfrighteningand

excitingthatwehavetomakesomanyvitaldecisionswhenwe’resoyoungand

full of hormones, but such is life. Imagine an eighty-foot rope stretched outbefore you. Each foot represents one year of your life. Teenagehood is onlyseven years, such a short span of rope, but those seven affect the remainingsixty-one,forgoodorbad,insuchapowerfulway.

WhatAboutFriends?Takeyour choiceof friends as an example.What apowerful influence they

canhaveonyourattitude,reputation,anddirection!Theneedtobeacceptedandbe part of a group is powerful.But too oftenwe choose our friends based onwhoeverwillacceptus.Andthat’snotalwaysgood.Forexample,tobeacceptedbythekidswhododrugs,allyouhavetodoisdodrugsyourself.It’shard,butsometimesitisbettertohavenofriendsforatimethantohave

thewrongfriends.Thewronggroupcan leadyoudownallkindsofpathsyoureally don’t want to be on. And retracing your steps can be a long and hardjourney.Ihaveaclosefriendwhofortunatelyhadenoughcommonsensetodrophisoldfriendsforsomenewones,andhesharedthefollowing:

The summer beforemy senior year, I had a really good friend named Jack.Themonth before school started, hewent toEurope and tomy surprise camebackwithapowerfuldrugcalledhashish.Neitherofushadeverexperimentedwithdrugsbefore.Hebegan to inviteme to joinhiminusing thisdrugwithagroupofhis“new”friends.Healsostartedthe“24club,”whereyouwouldsitinacircleanddrinktwenty-fourtallbottlesofbeer,oneafteranother,untiltheyweregone.Iknewtherewasnofutureinanyofitandthateventuallyhewouldself-destruct if he continuedusing thesedrugs.However, hehadbeenmybestfriendsincegradeschool,andIdidn’thavealotofotherclosefriends.Ididn’twant tobea loner,but Ialsodidn’twant toendupwhere I thoughtJackwasgoing.

Irememberfinallydeciding(sadly)thatitwasjusttooriskytohangoutwithhimanymore.AndsomysenioryearIhadtostartovermakingfriends.AtfirstIfeltawkward,didn’t fit in,andfeltdumbbeingalone.ButafterafewmonthsImadefriendswithguyswhohadsimilarvaluesandwerealsoalotoffun.Myold friend Jack turned into a druggie, barely graduated, and eventually

drowned in a swimming pool while intoxicated. It was very sad, but I wasgratefulIhadthegutstostickwiththerightdecisionandthinklong-termatacrucialtimeinmylife.

If you’re having trouble making good friends, remember that your friendsdon’t alwayshave tobeyourage. Ionce spoke toaguywho seemed tohaveveryfewfriendsatschool,buthedidhaveagrandpawholistened tohimandwasagreatfriend.Thisseemedtofillthefriendshipvoidhehadinhislife.Thelongandshortofitis,justbewisewhenchoosingfriends,becausemuchofyourfuturehangsonwhoyouhangoutwith.

WhatAboutSex?And what about sex? Talk about an important decision with huge

consequences!Ifyouwaituntilthe“heatofthemoment”tochoosewhichpathto take, it’s too late.Yourdecisionhasalreadybeenmade.Youneed todecide

now.Thepathyouchoosewillaffectyourhealth,yourself-image,howfastyougrowup,yourreputation,whomyoumarry,yourfuturechildren,andsomuchmore.Thinkthisdecisionthrough…carefully.Onewaytodothisistoimaginehowyouhopetofeelonyourweddingday.Howdoyouhopeyourfuturemateisleadinghisorherliferightnow?Inarecentpoll,goingtomovieswasrankedasthefavoritepastimeofteens.I

lovemovies,soI’mrighttherewithyou.ButI’dbecarefulaboutthevaluestheypromote. The movies lie, especially when it comes to issues like sex. Theyglamorizesleepingaroundandhavingone-nightstandswithoutacknowledgingthe potential risks and consequences. The movies don’t show you the life-altering reality of contracting a disease like AIDS or STDs, or becomingpregnantandhavingtodealwitheverythingthatbringswithit.Theydon’ttellyouwhatit’slikelivingonminimumwagebecauseyouhadtodropoutofhighschool(andthefatherofthechildislonggoneandsendsnomoney)orwhatit’slikespendingyourweekendschangingdiapersandcaringforababyinsteadofcheeringonyourvolleyballteam,goingtodances,andjustbeingakid.Weare free tochooseourpaths,butwecan’t choose theconsequences that

comewiththem.Haveyouevergonewatersliding?Youcanchoosewhichslideyouwant to go down, but once you’re sliding, you can’t verywell stop.Youmust live with the consequences … to the end. A teenage girl from Illinoissharedthisstory:

I had one bad year—my freshman year—when I did everything fromdrinking,drugs,olderguys,badcrowds,etc.,mostlybecauseIwasfrustratedandunhappy.Itjustlastedayear,butIamstillpayingforthosepastmistakes.Nooneforgetsandit’shardtohavetodealwithapastyouaren’ttooproudof.Ifeelasthoughitwillhauntmeforever.All kinds of people still come up to my boyfriend and say, “I hear your

girlfrienddrinks,andsmokes,andiseasy.”Andthingslikethat.ButtheworstisprobablythefactthateverytimeIhaveaproblemofanykind,Iimmediatelythink,“MaybeifIhadn’tdonethat,everythingwouldbeokay.”

WhatAboutSchool?Whatyoudoaboutyourschoolingcanalsoshapeyourfutureinamajorway.

Krista’sexperiencegoes to showhowbeginningwith theend inmind inyoureducationalpursuitspaysoff:

As a junior in high school, I decided to take an Advanced Placement (AP)U.S.historyclass.Attheendoftheschoolyear,Iwouldthenhaveachanceto

takeanationalexamtoqualifyforcollegecredit.Throughout the school year the instructor bombarded uswith homework. It

wasdifficulttokeepup,butIwasdeterminedtodowellintheclassaswellaspass thenationalexam.With thisend inmind, itwaseasy toput forthmy fulleffortoneachassignment.Oneassignmentwasparticularlytimeconsuming.Theinstructoraskedeach

student to watch a documentary on the CivilWar andwrite a paper on eachsegment.Theserieslastedtendaysandeachsegmentwastwohourslong.Asanactivehighschoolstudent,itwasdifficulttofindthetime,butIdid.IsubmittedthereportanddiscoveredIwasoneofonlyahandfulofstudentswhowatchedtheseries.

The day of the exam finally arrived. The studentswere nervous and the airwasthick.Thetestadministratorannounced,“Begin.”Itookadeepbreathandbrokethesealonthefirstsection—multiplechoice.Witheachquestion,Igainedconfidence.IKNEWtheanswers!IcompletedthesectionseveralminutesbeforeIheard,“Pencilsdown.”Nextwewouldeachwriteanessay.Inervouslyopenedthesealoftheessay

book and scanned the questions quickly. I answered a question related to theCivilWarusing references frommy readingaswell as thedocumentary. I feltcalmandconfidentasIcompletedtheexam.SeveralweekslaterIreceivedmyscoreinthemail–Ihadpassed!

•WHO’SINTHELEAD?Theotherreasontocreateavisionisthatifyoudon’t,someoneelsewilldoit

for you. As Jack Welch, former teen and current business executive, put it,“Controlyourowndestinyorsomeoneelsewill.”“Whowill?”youmayask.Perhapsyourfriendsorparentsorthemedia.Doyouwantyourfriendstotell

youwhatyoustand for?Youmayhave fineparents,butdoyouwant them todraw up the blueprint for your life? Their interestsmay be far different fromyours.Doyouwanttoadoptthevaluesportrayedinsoapoperas,magazines,andonthebigscreen?Bynowyoumightbethinking,“ButIdon’tliketothinkaboutthefutureso

much.Iliketoliveinthemomentandgowiththeflow.”Iagreewiththeliveinthemomentpart.Weoughttoenjoythemomentandnothaveourheadstoofarintheclouds.ButIdisagreewiththegowiththeflowpart.Ifyoudecidetojustgowiththeflow,you’llendupwheretheflowgoes,whichisusuallydownhill,often leading to a big pile of sludge and a life of unhappiness.You’ll end updoingwhateveryoneelse isdoing,whichmaynotbeyour end inmindatall.“Theroadtoanywhereisreallyalifetonowhere.”Withoutanend inmindofourownweareoftensoquick to followanyone

whoiswillingtolead,evenintothingsthatwon’tgetusfar.ItremindsmeofanexperienceIoncehadata10Kroadrace.SomeotherrunnersandIwerewaitingfor the race to start, butnooneknewwhere the starting linewas.Thena fewrunnersbeganwalkingdowntheroadasiftheyknew.Everyone,includingme,began following. We just assumed they knew where they were going. Afterwalking for about a mile, we all suddenly realized, that like a herd of dumbsheep, we were following some doughhead who had no idea where he wasgoing.Itturnedoutthatthestartinglinewasbackrightwherewehadbegun.Never assume that the herdmust knowwhere they are going, because they

usuallydon’t.

APersonalMissionStatement

Soif it isso important tohaveanend inmind,howdoyoudo it?ThebestwayIhave found is towriteapersonalmissionstatement.Apersonalmissionstatementislikeapersonalcredoormottothatstateswhatyourlifeisabout.Itisliketheblueprinttoyourlife.Countrieshaveconstitutions,whichfunctionjustlike amission statement.Andmost companies, likeMicrosoft andCoca-Cola,havemissionstatements.ButIthinktheyworkbestwithpeople.Sowhynotwriteyourownpersonalmissionstatement?Manyteenshave.As

you’ll see, they come in all types and varieties. Some are long and some areshort.Somearepoemsandsomearesongs.Someteenshaveusedtheirfavoritequoteasamissionstatement.Othershaveusedapictureoraphotograph.Letmeshareafewteenagemissionstatementswithyou.ThisfirstonewascontributedbyateennamedBethHaire:

Firstandforemost,IwillremainfaithfulalwaystomyGod.

Iwillnotunderestimatethepoweroffamilyunity.

Iwillnotneglectatruefriend,butIwillsetasidetimeformyselfaswell.

IwillcrossmybridgesasIcometothem(divideandconquer).

Iwillbeginallchallengeswithoptimism,ratherthandoubt.

Iwillalwaysmaintainapositiveself-imageandhighself-esteem,knowingthatallmyintentionsbegin

withself-evaluation.

MaryBethSylvester tookhermission statement from theSinéadO’Connorsong“Emperor’sNewClothes.”Itreads:

Iwilllivebymyownpolicies.Iwillsleepwithaclearconscience.

Iwillsleepinpeace.

ImetateennamedAdamSosnefromNorthCarolinawhowasfamiliarwiththe7Habitsandwas“onfire”abouthisfutureplans.Notsurprisingly,hehadamissionstatement,whichhevolunteered:

MISSIONSTATEMENT

•Haveconfidenceinyourselfandeveryoneelsearoundyou.•Bekind,courteous,andrespectfultoallpeople.•Setreachablegoals.•Neverlosesightofthesegoals.•Nevertakethesimplethingsinlifeforgranted.•Appreciateotherpeople’sdifferencesandseetheirdifferencesasagreatadvantage.•Askquestions.•Striveeachdaytoreachinterdependence.•Remember thatbefore you can change someone else, youmustfirstchangeyourself.•Speakwithyouractions,notwithyourwords.•Makethetimetohelpthoselessfortunatethanyourselforthosewhoarehavingabadday.•Readthe7Habitseveryday.

Readthismissionstatementeveryday.

So what can writing a mission statement do for you? Tons. The mostimportantthingitwilldoisopenyoureyestowhat’sreallyimportanttoyouandhelp you make decisions accordingly. A twelfth grader shared how writing amissionstatementmadesuchadifferenceinherlife:

Duringmy junior year I couldn’t concentrate on anything because I had aboyfriend. I wanted to do everything for him to make him happy, and then,naturally,thesubjectofsexcameup—andIwasn’tatallpreparedforit,anditbecameanaggingconstantthingonmymind.IfeltlikeIwasn’treadyandthatIdidn’twanttohavesex—buteveryoneelsekeptsaying,“Justdoit.”Then I participated in a character development class at school where they

taughtmetowriteamissionstatement.Istartedtowriteandkeptonwritingandwriting,andkeptaddingthingstoit.ItgavemedirectionandafocusandIfeltlikeIhadaplanandareasonfordoingwhatIwasdoing.ItreallyhelpedmetosticktomystandardsandnotdosomethingIwasn’treadyfor.

A personalmission statement is like a treewith deep roots. It is stable andisn’tgoinganywhere,butitisalsoaliveandcontinuallygrowing.Youneeda treewithdeeproots tohelpyousurviveallof thestormsof life

thatbeatyouup.Asyou’veprobablynoticedalready,lifeisanythingbutstable.Thinkaboutit.Peoplearefickle.Yourboyfriendlovesyouoneminuteandthendumpsyouthenext.You’resomeone’sbestfriendoneday,andthey’retalkingbehindyourbackthenext.Thinkaboutalloftheeventsyoucan’tcontrol.Youhavetomove.Youlose

yourjob.Thecountryisatwar.Yourparentsaregettingdivorced.Fads come andgo.Sweaters are popular oneyear andon theirwayout the

next.Rapmusicisthething.Rapmusicstinks.While everything about you changes, a personal mission statement can be

yourdeep-rootedtreethatnevermoves.Youcandealwithchangeifyouhaveanimmovabletrunktohangonto.

•UNCOVERINGYOURTALENTS

Animportantpartofdevelopingapersonalmissionstatement isdiscoveringwhatyou’regoodat.OnethingIknowforsureisthateveryonehasatalent,agift,something theydowell.Sometalents, likehaving thesingingvoiceofanangel,attracta lotofattention.But therearemanyother talents,maybenotasattention grabbing but every bit as important if not more—things like beingskilled at listening, making people laugh, giving, forgiving, drawing, or justbeingnice.Another truth is that we all blossom at different times. So if you’re a late

bloomer,relax.Itmaytakeyouawhiletouncoveryourtalents.Aftercarvingabeautifulsculpture,Michelangelowasaskedhowhewasable

to do it. He replied by saying that the sculpture was already in the block ofgranitefromtheverybeginning;hejusthadtochiseloffeverythingelsearoundit.

Likewise,VictorFrankl,afamousJewish-AustrianpsychiatristwhosurvivedthedeathcampsofNaziGermany,taughtthatwedon’tinventourtalentsinlifebutratherwedetectthem.Inotherwords,youarealreadybornwithyourtalents,youjustneedtouncoverthem.I’llneverforgetmyexperiencewithfindingatalentIneverthoughtIhad.To

fulfill Mr. Williams’ creative writing assignment for freshman English, Iexcitedly turned inmy first high schoolpaper, entitled “TheOldManand theFish.” Itwas the samestorymy fatherhadoften toldmeatnightwhile Iwasgrowingup.Ijustassumedhehadmadeitup.Hedidn’tbothertellingmehehad

stolentheplotdirectlyfromErnestHemingway’saward-winningnovelTheOldManandtheSea.Iwasshockedwhenmypaperwasreturnedwiththeremarks,“Soundsabittrite.LikeHemingway’sOldManandtheSea.”“Who’sthisguyHemingway?”Ithought.“Andhowcomehecopiedmydad?”ThatwasmypoorstarttofouryearsofratherboringhighschoolEnglishclasses,whichwereaboutasexcitingtomeasaclumpofdirt.It wasn’t until college, when I took a short story class from a remarkable

professor,thatIbegantodetectmypassionforwriting.Ifyoucanbelieveit,IevenmajoredinEnglish.Mr.Williamswouldhavedied.

TheGreatDiscoveryTheGreatDiscovery*isafunactivitydesignedtohelpyougetintouchwith

your deeper self as you prepare to write a mission statement. As you walkthrough it, answer the questions honestly. You can write your answers in thebook,ifyou’dlike.Ifyoudon’tfeellikewritingyouranswersdown,justthinkthemthrough.Whenyou’re finished, I thinkyou’llhaveamuchbetter ideaofwhat inspires you, what you enjoy doing, whom you admire, and where youwanttotakeyourlife.

1Thinkofapersonwhomadeapositivedifferenceinyourlife.Whatqualitiesdoesthatpersonhavethatyouwouldliketodevelop?

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2 Imagine 20 years from now—you are surrounded by the mostimportantpeopleinyourlife.Whoaretheyandwhatareyoudoing?

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3 Ifa steelbeam(6 incheswide)wereplacedacross two skyscrapers,forwhatwouldyoubewillingtocross?Athousanddollars?Amillion?Yourpet?Yourbrother?Fame?Thinkcarefully…

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4 If you could spend one day in a great library studying anything youwanted,whatwouldyoustudy?

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5 List 10 things you love to do. It could be singing, dancing, looking atmagazines,drawing,reading,daydreaming…anythingyouabsolutelylovetodo!

1_____________________2_____________________3_____________________4_____________________5_____________________6_____________________7_____________________8_____________________9_____________________10_____________________6Describeatimewhenyouweredeeplyinspired.

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7Fiveyears fromnow,your localpaperdoesa storyaboutyouand theywanttointerviewthreepeople…aparent,abrotherorsister,andafriend.Whatwouldyouwantthemtosayaboutyou?

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__________________________8 Think of something that represents you…a rose, a song, an animal…Whydoesitrepresentyou?

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9Ifyoucouldspendanhourwithanypersonwhoeverlived,whowouldthatbe?Whythatperson?Whatwouldyouask?

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GoodwithnumbersGoodwithwordsCreativethinkingAthleticsMakingthingshappenSensingneedsMechanicalArtisticWorkingwellwithpeopleMemorizingthingsDecisionmakingBuildingthingsAcceptingothersPredictingwhatwillhappenSpeakingWritingDancingListening

SingingHumorousSharingMusicTrivia10 Everyone has one or more talents.Which of the ones above are yougoodat?Orwritedownonesnotlisted.

GettingStartedonYourMissionStatementNowthatyou’vetakenthetimetowalkthroughTheGreatDiscovery,you’ve

gotagoodjump-startondevelopingamissionstatement.Below,I’velistedfoureasymethods tohelpyougetstartedwritingyourownmissionstatement.Youmaywanttotryoneofthemorcombineallfouroftheminanywayyouseefit.Thesearejustsuggestions,sofeelfreetofindyourownmethod.

Method#1:TheQuoteCollection.Collect one to fiveof your very favoritequotes onto one sheet of paper. The sum of these quotes then becomes yourmission statement. For some, great quotes are very inspiring, and thismethodworkswellforthem.

Method #2: The Brain Dump. Speed write about your mission for fifteenminutes.Don’tworryaboutwhat’scomingout.Don’teditwhatyou’rewriting.Justkeepwritinganddon’tstopwriting.Getallofyourideasdownonpaper.Ifyougetstuck,reflectuponyouranswerstoTheGreatDiscovery.Thatshouldgetyour imagination in gear.When your brain has been sufficiently purged, takeanotherfifteenminutestoedit,arrange,andmakesenseofyourbraindump.

The result is that in just thirty minutes, you’ll have a rough draft of yourmissionstatement.Thenoverthenextseveralweeksyoucanreviseit,addtoit,clarifyit,ordowhateverelseyouneedtomakeitinspireyou.

Method#3:TheRetreat.Planalargechunkoftime,likeanentireafternoon,andgo to a placeyou adore andwhereyou canbe alone.Thinkdeeply aboutyour lifeandwhatyouwant tomakeof it.Reviewyouranswers toTheGreatDiscovery.Looktothemissionstatementexamplesinthisbookforideas.Takeyourtimeandconstructyourownmissionstatementusinganymethodyouseefit.

Method#4:TheBigLazy. If you’re really lazy, use theU.S.Army’s slogan“BeAllThatYouCanBe”asyourpersonalmissionstatement.(Hey,I’monlyjoking.)

Abigmistaketeensmakewhenwritingamissionstatementisthattheyspendsomuch time thinkingaboutmaking it perfect theyneverget started.Youaremuchbetteroffwritinganimperfectroughdraftandthenimprovingitlater.Another bigmistake is that teens try tomake theirmission statements look

likeeveryoneelse’s.Thatdoesn’twork.Missionstatementscomeinmanyforms—apoem,a song,aquote, apicture,manywords,a singleword,acollageofmagazinepictures.Thereisnosinglerightwaytodoit.You’renotwritingitforanyoneelsebutyou.You’renotwritingitforyourEnglishteacherandit’snotgoingtobegradedbyanyone.Itisyoursecretdocument.Somakeitsing!Themost important question to ask yourself is, “Does it inspire me?” If you canansweryes,youdiditright.Onceyouhaveitwritten,putitinaplacewhereyoucaneasilyaccessit,like

insideyourjournaloronyourmirror.Oryoucouldreduceit,laminateit,andputitinyourpurseorwallet.Thenrefertoitoften,or,evenbetter,memorizeit.Herearetwomoreexamplesofteenmissionstatements,eachverydifferentin

styleandlength:

ThisonewaswrittenbyKatieHall.Itisshort,buttoheritmeanseverything:

•THREEWATCH-OUTSAsyoustrive tobeginwith theendinmindanddevelopapersonalmission

statement,watchoutfordangerousroadblocks!

Watch-Out #1: Negative Labels. Have you ever felt labeled by others in anegativeway?Byyourfamily,teachers,orfriends?“Youguysfromtheeastsideareallthesame.Alwaysgettin’intotrouble.”“You’re the laziest kid I know. Why don’t you get off your butt and do

somethingforachange?”“TheregoesSuzy.Ihearshe’satotalsleaze.”I’msureyourschoolhasitsownlabels.InmyschoolwehadtheCowboys,

theBrains,theAirheads,thePrettyBoys,theParty-ers,thePreps,theBabes,theBurnouts,theJocks,theD-Wingers,andmanyothergroups.Iwaslabeledinthe

Jock category. The term “Jock” meant that you played sports, were stuck onyourself,andhadabrainthesizeofapeanut.Labels are an ugly form of prejudice. Break down the word prejudice and

what do you get? Ta da! Pre-judge. Isn’t that interesting? When you labelsomeone you are pre-judging them; that means making conclusions aboutsomeonewithout knowing them. I don’t know about you, but I can’t stand itwhenIamunfairlyjudgedbysomeonewhodoesn’tknowathingaboutme.

You and I aremuch too complex to be neatly shelved into a category likeclothinginadepartmentstore,asiftherewereonlyahandfulofdifferenttypesofpeopleintheworldinsteadofmillionsofuniqueindividuals.If you’ve been falsely labeled, you can livewith it. The real danger comes

when you start to believe the labels yourself, because labels are just likeparadigms.Whatyouseeiswhatyouget.Forinstance,ifyou’vebeenlabeledasbeing lazy,andyoubegin tobelieve ityourself, itwillbecomeaself-fulfillingbelief.You’llactoutthelabel.Justremember,youarenotyourlabels.

Watch-Out #2:“It’sAllOver”Syndrome.Another thing towatch out for iswhenyou’vemadeamistakeor threeandfeelsobadaboutwhatyou’vedonethatyousay toyourself,“It’sallover. I’veblown it.Whocareswhathappensnow?”Atthispointyou’lloftenbegintoself-destructandletitallhangout.Letme just say this. It’s never over. It seems thatmany teensgo through a

timewhere they lose it and experiment and do awhole bunch of things theyaren’tproudof…almostasiftheyaretestingtheboundariesoflife.Ifyouhavemade mistakes, you’re normal. Every teenager has. Every adult has. Just getyourheadscrewedonstraightasquicklyasyoucanandyou’llbeokay.

Sooften,inourquesttobemorepopularandtobepartofthe“in-group,”welosesightofthingsthatarefarmore

important…

Watch-Out #3: Wrong Wall Have you ever worked really hard to getsomethingyouwantedonlytofindthatwhenyougotityoufeltemptyinside?Sooften, inourquest tobemorepopularand tobepartof the“in-group,”welosesightofthingsthatarefarmoreimportant,likeself-respect,truefriendships,andpeaceofmind.Weareoftensobusyclimbingtheladderofsuccessthatwenevertaketimetoseeifourladderisleaningagainsttherightwall.Havingnoendinmindisaproblem.Buthavinganendinmindthatleadsusinthewrongdirectioncanbeanevenbiggerproblem.I once played football with a guy who was an incredible player. He had

everything going for him, including being the team captain and having theultimatebuffedbody.Eachgamehewould excite fanswithheroic efforts andspectacular athletic feats.Fanspraisedhisname,youngboysworshippedhim,andwomenadoredhim.Hehaditall.Orsoitappeared.Yousee,eventhoughhewasshiningonthefield,hewasn’tdoingrightoffthe

field.Andheknewit.AndsodidI,becauseIhadgrownupwithhim.Ashisfame increased, I watched him turn away from his principles and lose hisdirection. He gained the high fives of the crowd but compromised somethingelsefarmoremeaningful,hischaracter.Itdoesn’treallymatterhowfastyou’regoingorhowgoodyou’relookin’ifyou’reheadedinthewrongdirection.Howcanyoutellifyourladderisleaningagainsttherightwall?Stop,takea

moment right now and ask yourself: “Is the life I’m living leadingme in therightdirection?”Bebrutallyhonestasyoupauseandlistentoyourconscience,thatinnervoice.Whatisittellingyou?Ourlivesdon’talwaysrequire180-degreeshiftsindirection.Moreoften,we

needonlysmallshifts.Butsmallchangescanmakehugedestinationdifferences.Imaginethis:IfyouwantedtoflyfromNewYorktoTelAvivinIsraelbutmadeaonedegreechangenorth,youwouldendupinMoscowinsteadofTelAviv.

•GOFORTHEGOALOnce you have yourmission in place youwillwant to set goals.Goals are

more specific than a mission statement and can help you break down yourmissionintobite-sizedpieces.Ifyourpersonalmissionwastoeatawholepizza,yourgoalwouldbehowtosliceitup.Sometimeswhenwehearthewordgoalswegoonaguilttrip.Itremindsus

ofallthegoalsweshouldbesettingandtheoneswehaveblown.Forgetaboutany mistakes you may have made in the past. Follow the advice of GeorgeBernardShaw,whosaid:“WhenIwasayoungmanIobservedthatnineoutoften things I didwere failures. I didn’twant to be a failure, so I did ten timesmorework.”Herearefivekeystogoalsetting.

KEYNO.1:CounttheCost

Howmanytimesdowesetgoalswhenweareinthemoodbutthen later find we don’t have the strength to follow through?Why does thishappen?It’sbecausewehaven’tcountedthecost.Let’spretendyousetagoaltogetbettergradesinschoolthisyear.Goodand

fine. But now, before you begin, count the cost. What will it require? Forinstance,youwill have to spendmore timedoingmath andgrammar and lesstimehangingoutwithyourfriends.Youwillhave tostayup latesomenights.Finding more time for schoolwork might mean giving up watching TV orreadingyourfavoritemagazine.

Now,havingcountedthecost,considerthebenefits.Whatcouldgoodgradesbringyou?Afeelingofaccomplishment?Ascholarshiptocollege?Agoodjob?

Nowaskyourself,“AmIwillingtomakethesacrifice?”Ifnot,thendon’tdoit.Don’tmakecommitments toyourselfyouknowyou’regoingtobreakbecauseyou’lltakewithdrawalsfromyourpersonalbankaccount.Abetterwayistomakethegoalmorebite-sized.Insteadofsettingagoalto

getbettergradesinallyourclasses,youmightsetagoaltogetbettergradesinjust twoclasses.Then,nextsemester, takeanotherbite.Counting thecostwillalwaysaddatouchofneededrealismtoyourgoals.

KEYNO.2:PutItinPen

It’sbeensaid,“Agoalnotwrittenisonlyawish.”Therearenoifsandbutsaboutit,awrittengoalcarriestentimesthepower.AyoungwomannamedTammytoldmehowwritingdownhergoalshelped

her eventually choose the right marriage partner. Tammy had been in anemotionally abusive relationshipwith a guy namedTom for several years andfelttrapped.Shehadbecomedependentonhimandwasmiserable.Avisitfromaspecial friendonedayfinallygaveher the innersparksheneeded tomakeachange.ThisisanexcerptfromTammy’sjournalwhenshewaseighteen:

JustyesterdayI foundenoughstrengthandstrongwill to leaveTomandtheenvironment I was a part of for the past 2½ years. I needed to make a 180-degree change in order to find inner strength enough to succeed. I drewup amentalpictureofwhereIwantedtobeinfiveyearsandhowIwantedtofeel.Ihad a vision of being my own person, of having the strength to make gooddecisions for my life and most of all being with someone in a good, healthyrelationship.IcameupwithalistofqualitiesIwantedinarelationship,andIthinkIwillwritethemdownnowforfuturereference.

QualitiesforaRelationship/FutureSpouse:

1.Respect2.Unconditionallove3.Honesty4.Loyalty5.Willsupportmeinmypursuits/goalsinlife6.Righteous(spiritualnature)7.Fun/goodsenseofhumor8.Makesmelaugheveryday9.Willmakemefeelwhole—nottornapart10.Goodfather/goodwithchildren11.Goodlistener12.Willmaketimeformeandwillwantthebestformeinlife

NowthatIhavethislistdocumentedIhavesomeplacetoturntogetaglimpseofwhatthefuturecanhold.ItgivesmehopewhenIreadit,anditremindsmeofabetterwaytolivelife.Tammy later met and married a great guy who fulfilled her requirements.

Happyendingsdohappen.AsTammydiscovered, there is somethingmagicalaboutwritingdownyour

goals.Writingforcesyoutobespecific,whichisveryimportantingoalsetting.AsactressLilyTomlinhassaid,“Ialwayswantedtobesomebody.ButIshouldhavebeenmorespecific.”

KEYNO.3:JustDoIt!

Ionce reada storyaboutCortésandhisexpedition toMexico.Withover fivehundredmenand eleven ships,Cortés sailed fromCuba to thecoast of the Yucatán in 1519. On the mainland he did something no otherexpeditionleaderhadthoughtof:Heburnedhisships.Bycuttingoffallmeansof retreat, Cortés committed his entire force and himself to the cause. It wasconquestorbust.“Toeverythingthereisaseason,”saystheBible.Atimetosay,“I’lltry,”and

atimetosay,“Iwill.”Atimetomakeexcuses,andatimetoburnyourships.Ofcourse,therearetimeswhentryingourbestisallwecando.ButIalsobelieve

there is a time for doing.Would you lend two thousand dollars to a businesspartnerwhosaid,“I’ll trytoreturnit”?Wouldyougetmarriedifyourpartner,whenaskedtotakeyouasthelawfullyweddedhusbandorwife,said,“I’lltry”?Getthepoint?Ionceheardastoryaboutacaptainandalieutenant:“Lieutenant,wouldyou

pleasedeliverthisletterforme.”“I’lldomybest,sir.”“No,Idon’twantyoutodoyourbest.Iwantyoutodeliverthisletter.”“I’lldoitorI’lldie,sir.”“Youmisunderstand,lieutenant.Idon’twantyoutodie.Iwantyoutodeliver

thisletter.”Finallythelieutenantcaughtonandsaid,“Iwilldoit,sir.”

Onceweare fullycommitted todoinga task,ourpower tocomplete itwillincrease.“Ifyoudothething,”saidRalphWaldoEmerson,“youwillhavethepower.” Each time I have committedmyself to a goal, I seem to dig up goldminesofwillpower,skill,andcreativityIneverthoughtIpossessed.Thosewhoarecommittedalwaysfindaway.The following passage byW.H.Murray is one of my all-time favorites. It

describeswhathappensinsidewhenwesay“Iwill.”

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance todrawback, alwaysineffectiveness. There is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which killscountless ideas and splendid plans, that the moment one definitely commitsoneself then providence moves too. All sorts of things begin to occur whichwouldneverotherwisehaveoccurred,andawholestreamofeventsissuesfromthe decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents andmaterialassistancewhichnomancouldhavedreamtwouldhavecomehisway.IhavelearnedadeeprespectforoneofGoethe’scouplets:Whateveryoucandoordreamyoucanbeginit.

Boldnesshasgenius,power,andmagicinit.

InthewordsofYoda,thegreatJedimaster:“Doordonot.Thereisnotry.”

KEYNO.4:UseMomentousMoments

Certainmomentsinlifecontainmomentumandpower.Thekeyistoharnessthesemomentsforgoalsetting.Thingswithstartsandfinishesorbeginningsandendscarrymomentum.For

example, a new year represents a start. Breaking up, on the other hand,represents an end. I remember how sick I felt after breaking up with mygirlfriend after two years of dating. But I also remember the excitement ofcreatinganewlistofgirlstodate.Thefollowingisalistofmomentsthatcanprovidemomentumforyouasyou

setouttomakenewgoals:

•Anewschoolyear•Alife-changingexperience•Breakingup•Anewjob•Anewrelationship•Asecondchance•Birth•Death•Ananniversary

•Atriumph•Asetback•Movingtoanewcity•Anewseason•Graduation•Marriage•Divorce•Anewhome•Apromotion•Ademotion•Anewlook•Anewday

Often, tough experiences can carry momentum. Are you familiar with themythofthephoenixbird?Aftereverylifespanof500to600years,thebeautifulphoenixwould burn itself at the stake. Out of the ashes, it would later arise,reborn. In likemanner,we can regenerate ourselves out of the ashes of a badexperience.Setbacksandtragediescanoftenserveasaspringboardforchange.Learn to harness the power of key moments, to set goals and make

commitmentswhenyouare in themood todo it.Beassured,aswell, that themoodtodoitwillpass.Stickingwithitwhenyoudon’tfeellikeitisthetruetestofyourcharacter.Assomeoneonceputit:Character is the discipline to follow throughwith resolutions longafter the

spiritinwhichtheyweremadehaspassed.

KEYNO.5:RopeUp

Mybrother-in-law,themountainclimber,onceescortedmeandafriendup the13,776-footGrandTeton. Itwas terrifying!Aswe ascended, themountainturnedvertical.Atthatpoint,we“ropedup,”ortiedourselvestogetherwithropestoaidusinclimbingandtosaveourlivesifoneofusfell.Ontwooccasionsthatropekeptmefromtakingthousand-footfallstomydeath.Believeme,IlovedthatropeasI’veneverlovedaropebefore.Byassistingeachotherandrelyingontheropes,wefinallyreachedthesummitsafely.You’ll accomplishmuchmore in life if you’ll rope up and borrow strength

fromothers.Let’ssupposeyousetagoaltogetingreatshape.Nowthink.Howcouldyouropeup?Well,maybeyoucouldfindafriendwhohasthesamegoaland the two of you could work out together and become each other’scheerleaders.Ormaybeyoucouldtellyourparentsaboutyourgoalandgettheirbuyin.Ormaybeyoucouldshareyourgoalwithanathletictraineroryourgymcoach and ask him or her for advice. Get creative. Rope up with friends,brothers, sisters, girlfriends, parents, counselors, grandparents, pastors, orwhomeverelseyoucan.Themoreropesyouhaveout,thegreateryourchancesforsuccess.

•GOALSINACTIONWhenIwasasophomoreinhighschool,Iweighed180pounds.Mybrother

David, a freshman, weighed a whopping 95 pounds.We were only one yearapart, yet Iwas twice his size. ButDavid had amountain of a spirit and didincrediblethingstogettowherehewantedtogo.Thisishisstory:

Iwill never forgetwhen I triedout for the freshman football teamatProvoHigh.Atfivefeettwoinchesandweighingonly90pounds,Iwasevensmallerthanthestereotypical98-poundweakling.Icouldn’tfindanyfootballequipmentto fitme; itwasall toobig. Iwas issued thesmallesthelmet theyhadbutstillhadtotapethreeearpadstogetheroneachsideof it tomakeit fitmyhead.Ilookedlikeamosquitowithaballoononitshead.Iusedtodreadfootballpractice,especiallywhenwehadtocrackheadswith

thesophomores.Weusedtolineupfacingeachotherabouttenyardsapartwiththefreshmenononesideandthesophomoresontheoppositeside.Whencoachblewthewhistle,youweresupposedtohityouropponentuntilthewhistleblewagain.Iusedtocounttheplayersinmylinetoseewhenmyturnwouldcomeup,and

thencounttheplayersinthesophomorelinetoseewhowouldhavetheprivilegeofteachingmehowtofly.ItseemedthatIalwaysendedupgettingthebiggest,

meanest sophomore as my opponent. “I’m dead meat,” was my constantthought.Iwouldlineup,waitforthewhistle,andinamomentfindmyselfflyingbackwardsandupwardsthroughtheair.That winter I tried out for the wrestling team. I wrestled in the 98-pound

division. Even though I weighed in with all my clothes on after eating a bigmeal,Istillcouldn’ttipthescalesat98pounds.InfactIwastheonlyguyontheteamwhodidn’thavetoloseweighttowrestle.MybrothersthoughtIwouldbeagood wrestler because, unlike football, wrestling allowedme to compete withguysaboutmyownweight.Buttomakealongstoryshort,Igotpinnedalmosteverymatch.InthespringIwentoutfortrack.Butasluckwouldhaveit,Iwasoneofthe

slowestguyson the team.Littlewonder—youshouldhave seenmypencil-thinlegs.Onedayafter trackworkouts I justcouldn’t stand itanymore.“That’s it,” I

saidtomyself.“Iamsickofthis.”Thatnight,intheprivacyofmyroom,IwrotedownsomegoalsIwantedtoachieveduringhighschool.Tobesuccessfulinmyathletics, IknewIhadtogetbiggerandstronger,soIsetgoals in theseareasfirst.BymysenioryearIsetagoaltobesixfeettall,toweigh180pounds,andto bench-press 250 pounds. In football, I set a goal to be the starting widereceiveronthevarsityfootballteam.AndintrackIsetagoaltobeanall-statesprinter.Ialsoenvisionedmyselfbeingcaptainonboththefootballteamandthetrackteam.A lot of nice dreams, wouldn’t you say? At that moment, however, I was

staringrealityintheface.All90poundsofit.ButIstuckwithmyplanfrommyfreshmanuntilmysenioryear.Letmeillustrate.Aspartofmyweight-gainingprocess,Imadearulethatmy

stomachwouldneverbeempty.SoIateconstantly.Breakfast,lunch,anddinnerweremerely threemeals inaneight-mealday. ImadeasecretagreementwithCary, the starting varsity linebacker for ProvoHigh, who stood six feet threeinches tallandweighed235pounds.Hepromisedmethat if IhelpedhimwithhisalgebraIIhomework,hewouldallowmetoeatlunchwithhimeverydayforweightgainandprotectionpurposes.Iwasdeterminedtoeatthesameamountheate,soeachdayatlunchIbought

two lunches, threemilks, and four rolls.Wemust have been a hilarious sighttogether!IwasalsotakingmyGainWeightFastproteinpowderalongwithmylunch. Iwouldmix the sickening powder in each ofmymilks and nearly barfeachtimeIdrankit.Duringmysophomoreyear Ibeganworkingoutwithmygood friendEddie

whowasalsoyearningtogetbig.Headdedanotherrequirementtomyfoodlist:

tenfullteaspoonsofstraightpeanutbutterandthreeglassesofmilkeachnightbeforebed.Eachweekwewererequiredtogaintwopounds.Ifwedidn’t“makeweight”ontheofficialweighinday,wewererequiredtoeatordrinkwateruntilwedid.Mymomreadanarticlethatsaidifayoungkidslepttenhoursanightina

completely dark room and drank two to three extra glasses of milk a day, hecouldgrowonetotwoinchesmorethanhenormallywould.Ibelievedthisandfolloweditrigidly.Afterall,Ineededtoreachmygoalofsixfeet,andmydad’sheightoffivefeettenincheswasn’tgoingtohelpme.“Dad,”Isaid,“Iwantthedarkestroominthehouse.”Igotit.ThenIputtowelsunderthedoorcrackandoverthewindow.Nolightwasgoingtoshineonme!Next I set a sleeping timetable: Iwent tobedaround8:45P.M.andgot up

around7:15A.M.This ensuredme10½hoursof sleep.Finally, Idrankall themilkIcould.I also began liftingweights, running, and catching the football.Eachday I

wouldworkoutatleasttwohours.WhenEddieandIliftedattheweightroom,wewouldcheckout theXLshirts inhopes thatonedaywewouldfill them.AtfirstIcouldonlybench-press75pounds,slightlymorethanthebar.As themonthspassedIbegan toseeresults.Smallresults.Slowresults.But

results.BythetimeIwasasophomoreIwasfivefeetfiveinchesandabout120pounds. I had grown three inches and gained 30 pounds. And I was muchstronger.SomedaysIfeltlikealonemanagainstthewholeworld.Iespeciallyhatedit

whenpeoplewouldaskme,“Howcomeyou’resoskinny?Whydon’tyoujusteatmore?”Ifeltlikesayingback,“Youidiot.DoyouhaveanyideaofthepriceI’vebeenpaying?”Bymy junior year Iwas five feet eight inches and145pounds. I continued

withmyweight-gainprogram,therunning,thelifting,andtheskilldevelopment.Inmytrackworkouts,Imadeitagoalnevertoloaf,notevenforonesprint.AndI never missed a practice, even when I was sick. Then suddenly the sacrificereallystartedpayingoff.Igotrealbig,realfast.InfactIgrewsofastthatIhavestretchmarksacrossmychest,asifIwasmauledbyabear.As I approached my senior year at Provo High, I had reached my goal of

becomingsixfeettallandfellonlyfivepoundsshortofmygoalof180pounds.Ibecame a starting wide receiver on the varsity football team and was alsoelectedasateamcaptain.Mysenioryearintrackwasevenmorerewarding.AgainIwasselectedasa

team captain, became the fastest sprinter on the team, and one of the fastestsprintersinthestate.

Attheendoftheyear,weighing180poundsandbench-pressing255pounds,Iwasawarded“BestBody”bytheseniorgirlsofthehighschool,theawardthatIlovedmostofall.Ididit!Ireallydidit!IaccomplishedmostofthegoalsIhadsetthatnightin

myroomyearsago.Truly,asNapoleonHillwrote,“Whateverthemindofmancanconceiveandbelieve,thehandofmancanachieve.”

•TURNINGWEAKNESSESINTOSTRENGTHSNoticehowDavidusedthefivekeystogoalsetting.Hecountedthecost,he

put his goals in pen, he roped upwith his friendEddie and others, he set hisgoalsduringamomentousmoment(whenhewassickofbeingapunk),andhehadtherawtenacityto“justdoit.”Now,I’mnotendorsingbeingbody-centered,asDavidwasforaperiod.AndIcan’tpromiseyouthatyoucanwillyourwayintogrowingtaller.I’monlytryingtodemonstratethepowerthatgoalscanplayinyourlife.AsDavid toldmehis story, itbecameclear thatbeinganinety-poundpunk

may have been a blessing in disguise. His apparent weakness (skinny body)actually became his strength (forced him to develop discipline andperseverance).Peoplewholackthenativephysical,social,ormentalgifts theydesire must fight just that much harder. And that uphill battle can producequalities and strengths they couldn’t develop any other way. That is how aweaknesscanbecomeastrength.Soifyou’renotendowedwithallthebeauty,biceps,bucks,orbrainsthatyou

covet—congratulations! You just may have the better draw. This poem byDouglasMallochsaysitwell:

ThetreethatneverhadtofightForsunandskyandairandlight,ButstoodoutintheopenplainAndalwaysgotitsshareofrain,Neverbecameaforestking

Butlivedanddiedascrubbything…Goodtimberdoesnotgrowwithease,Thestrongerwind,thestrongertrees.

MakeYourLifeExtraordinaryLifeisshort.ThispointisemphasizedinTomSchulman’sscreenplayforthe

classicmovieDeadPoetsSociety.OnthefirstdayofclassatWeltonAcademy,aboarding school steeped in tradition,Mr. Keating, the new English professor,takes his class of twenty-five boys out into the hall to look at old black-and-whitephotosof theyoungmenwhoattendedWeltonmore thanhalfacenturyearlier.“We are food for worms, lads,” he tells his class, as they look at the old

photos.“Believeitornoteachandeveryoneofusinthisroomisonedaygoingtostopbreathing,turncold,anddie.Iwouldlikeyouto…perusesomeofthefacesfromthepast.You’vewalkedbythemmanytimesbutIdon’tthinkyou’vereallylookedatthem.“They’re not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of

hormones,justlikeyou.Invincible,justlikeyoufeel.Theworldistheiroyster.Theybelievetheyaredestinedforgreatthings,justlikemanyofyou.Theireyesarefullofhope,justlikeyou.Didtheywaituntilitwastoolatetomakefromtheir lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because you see,gentlemen,theseboysarenowfertilizingdaffodils.Ifyoulistenrealcloseyoucanhearthemwhispertheirlegacytoyou.Goon,leanin.Listen.Doyouhearit?”

As theboys curiously lean in toward theglass enclosure,ProfessorKeatingwhispersintheirears,“Car-pe.Car-pe.Carpediem.Seizetheday,boys!Makeyourlivesextraordinary!”Sinceyourdestinyisyettobedetermined,whynotmakeitextraordinaryand

leavealastinglegacy?As you do this, remember, life is a mission, not a career. A career is a

profession.Amissionisacause.Acareerasks,“What’sinitforme?”Amissionasks, “How can I make a difference?” Martin Luther King’s mission was to

ensurecivil rights forallpeople.Gandhi’smissionwas to liberate300millionIndians.MotherTeresa’smissionwastoclothethenakedandfeedthehungry.Theseare extremeexamples.Youdon’thave tochange theworld tohavea

mission. As educatorMarenMouritsen says, “Most of us will never do greatthings.Butwecandosmallthingsinagreatway.”

COMINGATTRACTIONS

You’veheardofwillpower.Buthaveyoueverheardofwon’tpower?That’supnext!

BABYSTEPS1Determinethethreemostimportantskillsyou’llneedtosucceedinyourcareer.Doyouneed tobemoreorganized,bemoreconfidentspeaking infrontofotherpeople,havestrongerwritingskills?

ThethreemostimportantskillsIneedformycareer:

2Reviewyourmissionstatementdailyfor30days(that’showlongittakestodevelopahabit).Letitguideyouinallyourdecisions.

3Lookinthemirrorandask,“WouldIwanttomarrysomeonelikeme?”Ifnot,worktodevelopthequalitiesyou’relacking.4 Go to your school guidance or employment counselor and talk aboutcareeropportunities.Takeanaptitudetestthatwillhelpyouevaluateyourtalents,abilities,andinterests.5What is thekeycrossroadyouare facing inyour life rightnow? In thelongrun,whatisthebestpathtotake?

KeycrossroadIamfacing:____________________________________________________Thebestpathtotake:_____________________________________________________

6 Make a copy of The Great Discovery. Then take a friend or familymemberthroughitstepbystep.7 Think about your goals. Have you put them in pen and written themdown? If not, take time to do it. Remember, a goal notwritten is only awish.8 Identify a negative label others may have given you. Think up a fewthingsyoucandotochangethatlabel.

Negativelabel:____________________________Howtochangeit:___________________________

*ForadditionalworksheetsofTheGreatDiscovery,pleasecall1-800-952-6839.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn’thavetogosofast.

STEVENWRIGHT,COMEDIAN

Iwas listening to a speech on tapewhen the speaker began comparing thechallenges facedby today’s teens to thoseof teenswho lived150yearsago. Ilistened with interest. I agreed with most of what he said until this: “Thechallengethatteensfaced150yearsagowashardwork.Thechallengethatteensfacetodayisalackofhardwork.”Ex-squeezeme! I mumbled tomyself.A lack of hard work?What are you

smokin’? I think teens are busier today andworking harder than ever. I see it

withmyowneyeseveryday.Betweenschool,extracurricularactivities, teams,clubs, studentgovernment, athletics,part-time jobs,helping to raiseayoungerbrotheror sister, andonandon, there’sbarely time tobreathe.A lackofhardwork?Ha!Milkingcowsandmendingfencesdoesn’tsoundanymoredifficultthanjugglingthemultifacetedlifeofamodernteen.Let’s face it.You’ve got a lot to do and there just isn’t enough time.After

schoolyouhave rehearsal, followedbywork.You’ve alsogotta study for thatbiologytesttomorrow.Anddon’tforgettogiveyourfriendacall.Ontopofthat,you should exercise.Thedogneeds awalk.Andyour room is awreck.Whatwillyoudo?Habit3, PutFirstThingsFirst, can help. It’s all about learning to prioritize

andmanageyour timeso thatyour first thingscomefirst,not last.But there’smoretothishabitthanjusttimemanagement.Puttingfirstthingsfirstalsodealswithlearningtoovercomeyourfearsandbeingstrongduringhardmoments.InHabit2, you decidedwhat your first things are.Habit3, then, is putting

themfirstinyourlife.Surewe can have a nice list of goals and good intentions, but doing them,

putting them first is the hard part. That’s why I call Habit 3 the habit ofwillpower (the strength to say yes to your most important things) andwon’t-power(thestrengthtosaynotolessimportantthingsandtopeerpressure).Thefirstthreehabitsbuilduponeachother.Habit1says,“Youarethedriver,

notthepassenger.”Habit2says,“Decidewhereyouwanttogoanddrawupamaptogetyouthere.”Habit3says,“Getthere!Don’tletroadblocksknockyouoffcourse.”

•PACKINGMOREINTOYOURLIFEHave you ever packed a suitcase and noticed howmuch more you can fit

insidewhenyouneatlyfoldandorganizeyourclothes insteadof just throwingthemin?It’sreallyquitesurprising.Thesamegoesforyourlife.Thebetteryouorganizeyourself,themoreyou’llbeabletopackin—moretimeforfamilyandfriends,more time for school,more time foryourself,more time foryour firstthings.

I’d like to showyou an amazingmodel called theTimeQuadrants that canhelpyoupackmorein(especiallyimportantthings).It’smadeupoftwoprimaryingredients,“important”and“urgent.”Important—your most important things, your first things, activities that

contributetoyourmissionandyourgoals.Urgent—pressing things, in-your-face things, activities that demand

immediateattention.In general, we spend our time in four different time quadrants, as shown

below.Eachquadrantcontainsdifferentkindsofactivitiesandisrepresentedbyatypeofperson.

Ifyouhaven’talreadynoticed,weliveinasocietythatisaddictedtourgency.It’s the NOW generation. That’s why we have instant pudding, Minute rice,crash diets, fast food, buns of steel in seven days, pay-per-view, pagers, cellphones,andsoon.ItremindsmeofthespoiledrichgirlinWillieWonkaandtheChocolate Factory, who keeps saying, “Now, Daddy! Now! I want anUmpalumpanow!”Urgentthingsaren’tbad,necessarily.Theproblemcomeswhenwebecomeso

focusedonurgentthingsthatweputoffimportantthingsthataren’turgent,likeworkingonthatreportinadvance,goingforawalkinthemountains,orwritingan important letter to a friend.All these important things get pushed aside byurgentthings,likephonecalls,interruptions,drop-ins,deadlines,otherpeople’sproblems,andother“in-your-face-do-it-now”things.Aswedigalittledeeperintoeachquadrant,askyourself,“Whatquadrantam

Ispendingmostofmytimein?”

QUADRANT1:TheProcrastinatorLet’s start with Q1, things that are both urgent and important. There will

alwaysbeQ1thingsthatwecan’tcontrolandthatmustgetdone,likehelpingasick child or meeting an important deadline. But we also cause many Q1headachesbecauseweprocrastinate,likewhenweputoffdoingourhomeworkandthenhavetocramallnightforatestorwhenweneglectourcarfortoolongand then have to take it in to get repaired. Q1 is part of life, but if you’respendingtoomuchtimeinQ1,believeme,you’llbea“stresscase”andyou’llseldombeperformingtoyourpotential.Meet the Procrastinator, who hangs out in Q1. Perhaps you know her. Her

mottois,“I’mgoingtostopprocrastinating—sometimesoon.”Don’texpecthertoworkonapaperorstudyforatestuntilthenightbefore.Anddon’texpecthertotaketimetogetgas;she’susuallytoobusydriving.TheProcrastinatorisaddictedtourgency.Shelikestoputthingsoffandput

thingsoffandputthingsoff…untilitbecomesacrisis.Butshelikesitthatwaybecause,yousee,doingeverythingat the lastminutegiveshera rush. In fact,her mind won’t kick into gear until there’s an emergency. She thrives underpressure.PlanningaheadissimplyoutofthequestionfortheProcrastinatorbecauseit

wouldruintheexcitementofdoingeverythingatthelastpossiblemoment.TheProcrastinatorremindsmeofthecomedianwhosaid:“MymomalwaystoldmethatIwouldbeaprocrastinator.”Ireplied,“Justyouwait.”IcanrelatetotheProcrastinatorbecauseIwasacramartistinhighschool.I

usedtothinkIwasprettycoolnotstudyingallsemesterandthencrammingthenightbeforeandpullingoutagoodgrade.Howstupid!SureIgotthegrade,but

I didn’t learn a thing and I paid for it in college, and inmanyways I’m stillpayingforit.Oneprocrastinatingteensaiditthisway:

“WhatIdoisIslackoffuntiltheendofthetermandkillmyselfforthelasttwoweeks.Whengradescomeout Igetarounda3.7 to3.8,but Idon’t feel Ihave earned it because everyone else turned stuff in on time and does whatthey’resupposedto.They’renotstressed.That’showIwanttobe.”

TheresultsoftoomuchtimeinQ1are:•Stressandanxiety•Burnout•Mediocreperformance

QUADRANT2:ThePrioritizerWe’llsavethebestforlast.

QUADRANT3:TheYes-manQ3represents things thatareurgentbutnot important. It ischaracterizedby

tryingtopleaseotherpeopleandrespondingtotheireverydesire.Thisquadrantis deceptive because urgent things have the appearance of being important. Intruth, they’re often not. For example, a ringing phone is urgent, but often theconversationissounimportant,orworse,it’satelemarketer!Q3isloadedwithactivitiesthatareimportanttootherpeoplebutnotimportanttoyou—thingsthatyouwould like to say no to but can’t because you’re afraid youmight offendsomeone.Meet theYes-manofQ3,whohasarealhardtimesayingnotoanythingor

anyone.Hetriessohardtopleaseeveryonethatheusuallyendsuppleasingnoone,includinghimself.Heoftencavesintopeerpressurebecausehelikestobepopularandhewouldn’twanttostandout.Hismottois,“Tomorrow,I’mgoingtobemoreassertive—ifthat’sokaywithyou.”Whenhisfriendsdroppedbyunexpectedlyoneeveningandwantedhimtogo

cruisingtilldawn,hejustcouldn’tmusterupenoughcouragetoturnthemdown.He didn’t want to disappoint his buddies. It didn’t matter that he was takingsomegargantuantestthenextmorningandneededtostudyandgetsomesleep.Although he told his sister that he’d help herwithmath, he couldn’t resist

taking thaturgentphonecall that tookmostof thenightbutwasn’t really thatimportant.Hedidn’treallywanttojointheswimmingteam.Hepreferredart.Buthisdad

wasaswimmerand,ofcourse,hedidn’twanttolethimdown.Ithinkallofus,myselfincluded,havealittleQ3insideofus.Butwewon’t

accomplishmuchifwesayyestoeverythingandneverlearntofocusonwhat’simportant. Comedian Bill Cosby has said it well: “I don’t know the key tosuccess, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone.”Q3 is one of theworst quadrants tobe inbecause it hasnobackbone. It’s fickle andwill blowwhicheverwaythewindisblowing.TheresultsofspendingtoomuchtimeinQ3are:

•Reputationforbeinga“pleaser”•Lackofdiscipline•Feelinglikeadoormatforotherstowipetheirfeeton

QUADRANT4:TheSlackerQ4isthecategoryofwasteandexcess.Theseactiviesareneitherurgentnor

important.

MeettheSlackerwholoafsaboutinQ4.Helovesanythinginexcess,liketoomuchTV,toomuchsleep,toomanyvideogames,ortoomuchtimeontheWeb.Two of his favorite pastimes include regular three-hour phone calls and mallmarathonseachweekend.Heisaprofessionalloafer.Sleepinginuntilnoontakesrealskill,afterall.He

absolutelylovescomicbooks.Infact,hereadsseveraldozenaweek.He’sneverhada job.Buthe’syoungandhashishealth,sowhywouldhewant towork?School,ofcourse,isthelastthingonhismind.He’drather,youknow,justhangout.Goingtomovies,chattingontheWeb,orjusthangingoutarepartofahealthy

lifestyle.It’sonlywhenthey’redoneinexcessthattheybecomeawasteoftime.You’llknowwhenyoucrossthatline.WatchingthatfirstTVshowmightbejustwhatyouneedtorelax,andthat’sokay.Butthenwatchingthesecond,third,orevenfourthshow(arerunthatyou’veseensixtimes)until2A.M.turnsarelaxingeveningintoawastedone.TheresultsoflivinginQ4are:

•Lackofresponsibility•Guilt•Flakiness

QUADRANT2:ThePrioritizerNowbacktoQ2.Q2ismadeofthingsthatareimportantbutnoturgent,like

relaxation, building friendships, exercising, planning ahead, and doing

homework…ontime!It’sthequadrantofexcellence—theplacewewanttobe.Q2activitiesareimportant.ButareQ2activitiesurgent?No!Andthat’swhywehavetroubledoingthem.Forexample,gettingagoodsummerjobmaybeveryimportant to you. But since it’sweeks away and not urgent, youmay put offlookingfor that jobuntil it’s too lateandsuddenlyall thegoodjobsarefilled.HadyoubeeninQ2,youwouldhaveplannedaheadandfoundabetter job.Itwouldn’ttakemoretime,justalittlemoreplanning.

MeetthePrioritizer.Althoughshe’sbynomeansperfect,she’sbasicallygotittogether. She takes a look at everything she has to do and then prioritizes,makingsureherfirst thingsgetdonefirstandher last things last.Becauseshehas the simple but powerful habit of planning ahead, she’s usually on top ofthings.Bydoingherhomeworkontimeandwritingherpapersinadvance,shedoesherbestworkandavoidsthestressandburnoutthatcomefromcramming.Shemakes time to exercise and renewherself, even if itmeans pushing asideother things. The peoplewhomattermost in her life, like her friends and herfamily,comefirst.Althoughit’sastruggle,stayingbalancedisimportanttoher.

She changes the oil in her car regularly. And she doesn’t wait until she’srunningonfumestofillupwithgas.Shelovesgoingtomovies,surfingtheNet,andreadingsuspensenovelsbutneverletsthoseactivitiesgotoofar.She’s learned how to say no with a smile. When her friends dropped by

unexpectedlyoneeveningtogotoaparty,shesaid,“Nothanks.Ihaveahugetesttomorrow.ButhowaboutFridaynight?Let’sgettogetherthen.”Herfriendswereokaywiththatandsecretlywishedtheyhadhadthecouragetosaynoaswell.She’slearnedthatresistingpeerpressureappearsunpopularatfirst,butthatpeoplecometorespectherforit.

TheresultsoflivinginQ2are:•Controlofyourlife•Balance•Highperformance

Soinwhichquadrantareyouspendingthemajorityofyourtime?1,2,3,or4?Since,inreality,weallspendsometimeineachquadrant,thekeyistoshiftasmuchtimeaspossible intoQ2.Andtheonlywayyou’ll findmoretimeforQ2 is to reduce the amount of time you spend in the other quadrants.Here is

howtodothat:ShrinkQ1byprocrastinatingless.You’realwaysgoingtohavelotstodoin

Q1.That’sguaranteed.Butifyoucancutyourprocrastinationinhalfbydoingimportant thingsearly,you’llbe inQ1far lessoften.And lessQ1 timemeanslessstress!Sayno toQ3activities.Learn tosayno tounimportant things thatpullyou

away from more important ones. Don’t be so interruptible. Trying to pleaseeveryoneislikeadogtryingtocatchitstail.Remember,whenyou’resayingnoyou’rereallysayingyestomoreimportantthings.Cut down onQ4, slacker activities. Don’t stop doing these things, just do

themlessoften.Youdon’thavetimetowaste.ShiftthistimetoQ2.Youneedtorelaxandkickback,butrememberrelaxationisQ2.ExcessiverelaxationisQ4.

In addition to spendingmore time inQ2, consider twoother suggestions tohelpyoubettermanageyourtimeandputfirstthingsfirst:Pickupaplannerandplanweekly.

•PICKUPAPLANNERTo start with, I highly recommend using a planner of some sort that has a

calendar and space to write down appointments, assignments, to-do lists, andgoals.Ifyouwant,youcanevenmakeyourownplanneroutofaspiral-boundnotebook. Upon hearing the word “planner,” some of you may be thinking,“Hey,Idon’twanttohaulanotherbookaroundwithme.”Ifthisisyourhang-up,rememberthatplannerscomeinallsizes.Youcangetathree-pounderoranitty-bitty,portablethree-ouncer.Othersmaybethinking,“Idon’twantmylifetobetiedtoaplanner.Ilikemy

freedom.”Ifthisisyou,keepinmindthataplannerwasn’tdesignedtotieyoudownbut to freeyouup.Withaplanneryou’llno longerhave toworryaboutforgetting things or double-booking yourself. It will remind you when yourpapers are due and tests are to be taken. You can keep all of your importantinformation (like telephone numbers, Web addresses, birthdays) in one placeinsteadofonfiftyscrapsofpaper.Aplannerisnotmeanttobeyourmasterbutatooltohelpyouliveyourlife.

PlanWeeklyTake fifteen minutes each week to plan your week and just watch what a

difference it canmake.Whyweekly?Becausewe think inweeksandbecausedailyplanningistoonarrowafocusandmonthlyplanningistoobroadafocus.

Onceyouhave aplannerof some sort, follow this three-stepweeklyplanningprocess.Step 1: Identify YourBigRocks. At the end or beginning of eachweek, sit

downandthinkaboutwhatyouwanttoaccomplishfortheupcomingweek.Askyourself, “What are themost important things I need to do thisweek?” I calltheseyourbigrocks.Theyaresortoflikeminigoalsandshouldbetiedintoyourmissionstatementandlonger-termgoals.Notsurpisingly,you’ll find thatmostofthemwillbeQ2’s.Youmightcomeupwithalistofbigrocksthatlookssomethinglikethis:

MyBigRocksfortheWeek•Studyforsciencetest•Finishreadingbook•AttendMegan’sgame•Completeemploymentapplication•PartyatIsabella’s•Exercise3times

Anotherway to identify your big rocks is to think through the key roles ofyour life, such as your role as a student, friend, family member, worker,individual,andwhateverelseyoudoandthencomeupwiththeoneortwomostimportant thingsyouwant toget done in each role.Planningyour life aroundroleswillhelpyoustaybalanced.

ROLE MYBIGROCKSFORTHEWEEK

Student

Getstartedonhistoryreport

Friend Mario’sbirthdayBemorecomplimentary

Family TakeColleentomallCallGrandma

Job

Gettoworkontime

Me GotoconcertWriteinjournaleverynight

DebateTeam

FinishresearchPracticeopenings

As you’re identifying your big rocks for the week, don’t get carried away.Althoughyoumayfeelyouhavefortybigrocksthatmustgetdone,berealisticandnarrowyourfocustonomorethantentofifteen.

Step2:BlockOutTimeforYourBigRocks.Haveyoueverseenthebig-rockexperiment?Yougetabucketandfillithalffullofsmallpebbles.Youthentrytoputseveralbigrocksinthebucket,ontopofthepebbles.Buttheydon’tallfit.Soyouemptythebucketandstartover.Thistimeyouputthebigrocksinthebucketfirst,followedbythepebbles.Thepebblesneatlyfillinthespacesaroundthebigrocks.Thistimeitallfits!Thedifferenceistheorderinwhichtherocksandpebbleswere placed in the bucket. If youput the pebbles in first, the bigrocksdon’tallfit.Butifyouputthebigrocksinfirst,everythingfits,bigrocksandpebbles.Bigrocksrepresentyourmostimportantthings.Pebblesrepresentallthelittleeverydaythingsthatsuckupyourtime,suchaschores,busywork,phonecalls,and interruptions.Themoralof thestory is, ifyoudon’t scheduleyourbigrocksinfirst,theywon’tgetdone.

Duringyourweeklyplanning,blockout timeforyourbigrocksbybookingthem inyourplanner.Forexample,youmightdecide that thebest time togetstarted on your history report is Tuesday night and the best time to call your

grandma is Sunday afternoon. Now block out those times. It’s like making areservation.Ifyourbigrocksuchas“giveoutthreecomplimentseachdaythisweek” doesn’t have a specific time attached to it,write it somewhere in yourplannerwhereitcanbeseen.Ifyoublockouttimeforyourbigrocksfirst,theothereverydayactivitieswill

fit in as well. And even if they don’t, who cares? You’d rather push asidepebblesthanbigrocks.

Step 3: Schedule Everything Else. Once you have your big rocks booked,scheduleinallofyourotherlittleto-dos,dailytasks,andappointments.Here’swhere thepebblesgo.Youmayalsowant to lookaheadonyourcalendarandrecordupcomingeventsandactivities,likeavacation,concert,orbirthday.

AdaptDailyWithyourweeklyplan in place, adapt eachday as needed.You’ll probably

need to rearrange somebig rocks andpebblesnowand then.Tryyourbest tofollowyourplan,but ifyoudon’taccomplisheverythingyousetout todo,nobigdeal.Even ifyouonlygeta thirdofyourbig rocksaccomplished, that’sathirdmorethanyoumighthaveaccomplishedwithoutplanningahead.If thisweeklyplanningmethodfeels toorigidorcomplicated,don’tscrap it

entirely,justdoweeklyplanninglight.Forexample,youmayfindyouonlywant

toscheduletwoorthreebigrocksfortheweekandthat’saboutit.Thepointis:Thesimpleactofplanningaheadeachweekwillhelpyoufocus

onyourbigrocksandconsequentlyaccomplishsomuchmore.

DoesItReallyWork?Does this time-management stuff really work? You bet it does. I have

personallyreadnumerouslettersfromteenswhohavehadgreatsuccesswiththeabove suggestions.Herearecomments from two teenswhowere taught abouttheTimeQuadrantsandbeganusingaplanneranddoingweeklyplanning:Jacob:I remember looking at the diagram of the Time Quadrants and saying,

“Man,thisistrue.Idoalotoflast-minutethings.”Likehomework.Ifapaperwasdue,I’ddoitSundaynighttoturninMonday,oriftherewas

atestonFriday,I’dskipschoolonThursdaytostudyformytest.Iwasprettymuchincrisis.Once I figured out what was important to me, I started to prioritize and

startedusingaplanner.IfIwantedtogofishingIwouldsay,“Well,thisotherthingismoreimportant.I’lldothatfirst,andthenmaybetomorrowIwillhavethewholedaytofish.”EventuallyIstartedstudyingmoreeffectively,acedmytests,andeverythingjustfellintoplace.MylifewouldhavebeenlessstressfulifIonlyhadusedmytimemoreeffectivelyearlier.Brooke:Mystress levelhasdecreasedbecause Iamno longerconstantly trying to

rememberwhat I have to do a few days ahead.Now I can just pull outmyscheduleandI’mallset.WhenIgetinabadmoodandstressedout,Ilookatmyscheduleandrealize thatIstillhave timetodoeverything,especially thethingsjustforme.

Oneofthefewthingsthatcan’tberecyclediswastedtime.Somakesureyoutreasureeachmoment.InthewordsofQueenElizabethIonherdeathbed:“Allmypossessionsforonemomentoftime.”

•THEOTHERHALFTimemanagement isn’tall there is toHabit3. It’sonlyhalfof it.Theother

halfislearningtoovercomefearandpeerpressure.Ittakescourageandgutstostaytruetoyourfirstthings,likeyourvaluesandstandards,whenthepressureison. I once asked a groupof kids, “What are your first things?” towhich theyanswered, among other things: “family,” “friends,” “freedom,” “excitement,”

“growth,”“trust,”“God,”“stability,”“belonging,”“looks.”Ithenasked,“Whatkeepsyoufromputtingthesethingsfirst inyour life?”Notsurprisingly,“fear”and“peerpressure”weretwoofthetopresponses.Sowe’regoingtotalkabouthowtodealwiththese.

TheComfortZoneandtheCourageZonePuttingyourfirstthingsfirsttakescourageandwilloftencauseyoutostretch

outside your comfort zone. Take a peek at the Courage and Comfort Zonediagram.

Your comfort zone represents thingsyou’re familiarwith, places youknow,friendsyou’reateasewith,activitiesyouenjoydoing.Yourcomfortzoneisriskfree.It’seasy.Itdoesn’trequireanystretching.Withintheseboundarieswefeelsafeandsecure.On the other hand, things likemaking new friends, speaking before a large

audience,orstickingupforyourvaluesmakesyourhairstandonend.Welcometo the courage zone!Adventure, risk, and challenge included!Everything thatmakes us feel uncomfortable is found here. In this territorywaits uncertainty,pressure, change, the possibility of failure. But it’s also the place to go foropportunity and the only place inwhich you’ll ever reach your full potential.You’llneverreachitbyhangingoutinyourcomfortzone.That’sforsure.

What’s that you asked? “What’s so wrong about enjoying your comfortzone?”Nothing. In fact, much of our time should be spent there. But there is

something absolutely wrong with never venturing into unknown waters. Youknow as well as I do that people who seldom try new things or spread theirwingslivesafebutboringlives!Andwhowantsthat?“Youmiss100percentofthe shots you never take,” said hockey greatWayne Gretzky.Why not showsomefaith inyourself, takea risk,andparachute intoyourcouragezone fromtimetotime?Remember,theriskofrisklesslivingisthegreatestriskofall.

NeverLetYourFearsMakeYourDecisionsTherearealotofsickemotionsisthisworld,butperhapsoneoftheworstis

fear.When I thinkaboutall I failed todo inmy lifebecausemy fearsgot thebestofmeIacheinside.InhighschoolIhadacrushonabeautifulgirlnamedSherrybutIneveraskedheroutbecausemyfearswhispered,“Shemaynotlikeyou.” I remember quitting my seventh-grade football team after one practicebecauseIwasafraidofcompetition.I’llneverforgetcontemplatingrunningforastudentbodyofficebutchickeningoutbecauseIwastooscaredofspeakinginfrontof thewhole school.Throughoutmy life therehavebeenclasses Inevertook, friendsInevermade,and teamsIneverplayedfor—allbecauseof theseugly,yetveryreal,fears.IlikehowShakespeareputitinMeasureforMeasure:

It’snotthemountainweconquer,butourselves.

EDMUNDHILLARY

(firstpersontoclimbMountEverest)

Ourdoubtsaretraitors,AndmakeuslosethegoodweoftmightwinByfearingtoattempt.

MydadoncetoldmesomethingI’veneverforgotten.“Sean,”hesaid,“neverlet your fears make your decisions. Youmake them.” Isn’t that a great idea?Thinkofalltheheroicactsthathavebeenaccomplishedbypeoplewhoactedinthefaceoffear.ThinkofNelsonMandela,whowasinstrumentalinendingtheoppressive apartheid system in South Africa. Mandela was imprisoned fortwenty-seven years (imagine that) for speaking out against apartheid beforebeingelectedasthefirstnon-whitepresidentofSouthAfrica.Whatif,becauseofhisfears,hehadneverdaredtofightthesystem?Orconsidertheunyieldingcourage of Susan B. Anthony as she led the long struggle that finally wonwomentherighttovoteundertheU.S.Constitution.OrthinkofWinstonChurchill,primeministerofEnglandduringWorldWar II,who led the free

worldinitsfightagainstNaziGermany.Whatif,becauseofself-doubt,hehadbeen fainthearted during the war? Surely all great deeds, whether by famouspeopleorbyeverydaypeople,wereaccomplishedinthefaceoffear.Actingin thefaceoffearwillneverbeeasy,butafterwardyou’llalwaysbe

gladyoudidit.DuringmysenioryearincollegeIwasshortafewcredits,andsoIskimmedthroughtheclassschedulelookingforsomethingtofillthehours.WhenIcameacross“PrivateVoiceInstruction,”asinsinginglessons,Ithought,“Whynotstepoutsidemycomfortzoneandgiveitatry?”IwascarefultosignupforprivatelessonsinsteadofgrouplessonsbecauseI

didn’twanttomakeafoolofmyselfbysinginginfrontofotherstudents.Things went fine until the end of the semester whenmy singing professor

brought the shocking news. “By theway,Sean, have youdecidedwhich songyouwanttosingbeforetheotherstudents?”“Whatdoyoumean?”Iaskedinhorror.“Well, theclassrequirementsstate thatyouhave tosingat leastone timein

frontoftheotherprivatevoicestudents.”“Thatwouldnotbeagoodidea,”Isaidemphatically.“Oh,it’snobigdeal.You’lldofine.”Well, tome itwas a huge deal. The thought of singing in front of a group

mademephysically sick.“HowamIgoing togetoutof thisone?” I thought.But I couldn’t allowmyself todo thatbecause Ihadbeenspeaking tovariousgroupsoverthepastyearadvisingthemtoneverletfearsmaketheirdecisions.Now…Iwasuptobat.

“Courage,Sean.”Ikeptrehearsinginmymind.“You’vegottoatleasttry.”That dreadedday finally arrived.As I entered the “roomofdoom”where I

was tomakemy debut, I kept trying to convincemyself, “Settle down, Sean.Thiscan’tbethatbad.”But itkeptgettingworse. Ibecame increasingly intimidatedas Idiscovered

that nearly everyone in the roomwas either amusicor theatermajor. Imean,thesepeoplereallyknewhowtosing.Sincechildhoodthey’dbeenperforminginmusicalsandchoruses.Myfearonly increasedwhen the first studentcalleduponsangasongfromtheplayLesMisérables thatsoundedbetter than in theoriginal Broadway production. The guy was incredible. Yet the class had theaudacity to critiquehim. “I think that your tonalitywas a little flat,” someonesaid.“Oh,no!Whatwilltheythinkofme?”“Sean,you’reup.”Nowitwasmyturn.AsIstoodinfrontof theclass, threemillionlightyearsoutsidemycomfort

zone, I kept repeating to myself, “Courage! I can’t believe I’m doing this.Courage!Ican’tbelieveI’mdoingthis.”“Iwill be singing ‘On the StreetWhereYou Live’ fromMyFair Lady,” I

quivered.As the accompanist began playing the prelude and all eyes fell uponme, I

couldn’t help but think, “How? How in the world did I get myself into thissituation?”And from the smiles on everyone’s faces it looked as if theywereactuallygoingtotakemeseriously.“Ihaveoftenwalkeddownthisstreetbefore…”Irangout.Evenbefore I reached the second line, theexpressionsofexcitementon the

students’facesturnedtoanguish.Iwassonervousthatmybodyfeltastightasjeansjustpulledfromthedryer.Ihadtosqueezeeachwordout.Neartheendofthesongisareallyhighnote.Ithadalwaysbeendifficultfor

metoreach,eveninpractice.NowIanticipateditwithterror.Butas thatnoteapproachedIthought,“Whattheheck.Goforit!”

I don’t recall if I hit that note or missed it. All I remember is that a fewstudentsweresoembarrassedthatdespitetheirbesteffortstheycouldnolongerbeartolookatme.Ifinishedandsatdownquickly.Silence.Nooneknewwhattosay.“Thatwasgreat,Sean.”“Thanks a lot,” I shrugged, as if I believed them. But do you knowwhat?

Although that experience nearly killed me, when I left that classroom andwalkedalonethroughtheemptyparkinglottomycarIwassoproudofmyself.I feltagreatsenseofpersonalaccomplishment,andI franklydidn’tcarewhatanyoneelsethoughtaboutmyhighnote.IhadsurvivedandIwasproudofit.AsEdmundHillary, the first person to climbMount Everest, put it, “It’s not themountainweconquer,butourselves.”Sothenexttimeyouwantto:

•makeanewfriend,•resistpeerpressure,

•breakanoldhabit,•developanewskill,•tryoutforateam,•auditionforaplay,•askouttheoneandonly,•changeyourjob,•getinvolved,•beyourself,

orevenifyouwanttosinginpublic…Doit!…evenwhenallyourfearsanddoubtsscreamout,“Youstink,”“You’llfail,”“Don’t try.”Neverletyourfearsmakeyourdecisions.Youmakethem.

WinningMeansRisingEachTimeYouFallWeall feel fear from time to time, and that’sokay. “Feel the fear anddo it

anyway”goesthesaying.OnewayI’velearnedtoovercomefearistokeepthisthought always in the back ofmymind:Winning is nothingmore than risingeach time you fall. We should worry less about failing and more about thechanceswemisswhenwedon’teventry.Afterall,manyofthepeoplewemostadmirefailedmanytimes.For instance, Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times. Albert Einstein didn’t talk

until he was four. Beethoven’s music teacher said, “As a composer he ishopeless.”LouisPasteurwasgraded“mediocre” inchemistry.Rocket scientistWernher vonBraun failed ninth-grade algebra. ChemistMadameMarie Curieexperiencednearfinancialruinbeforecreatingthefieldofnuclearchemistryandforever changing the courseof science.Michael Jordanwas cut fromhishighschoolbasketballteamwhenhewasasophomore.Belowareeventsinthelifehistoryofamanwhofailedmanytimesbutkept

fightingback.Seeifyoucanguesswhoitis.Thisman:•failedinbusinessatagetwenty-two•wasdefeatedforthestatelegislatureatagetwenty-three•failedinbusinessatagetwenty-five•copedwiththedeathofhissweetheartatagetwenty-six•sufferedanervousbreakdownatagetwenty-seven•wasdefeatedforspeakeratagetwenty-nine•wasdefeatedforcongressionalnominationatagethirty-four•waselectedtoCongressatagethirty-seven•lostrenominationforCongressatagethirty-nine•wasdefeatedfortheSenateatageforty-six• was defeated for the vice-presidency of the United States at ageforty-seven•andwasdefeatedfortheSenateatageforty-nine

This personwas noneother thanAbrahamLincoln, elected president of theUnitedStatesatagefifty-one.Heroseeachtimehefellandeventuallyreachedhisdestination,gainingtherespectandadmirationofallnationsandpeoples.

Tworoadsdivergedinawood,andI—Itooktheonelesstraveledby,Andthathasmadeallthedifference.

ROBERTFROSTPOET

BeStrongintheHardMomentsThepoetRobertFrostwrote,“Tworoadsdivergedinawood,andI—Itook

theoneless traveledby,Andthathasmadeall thedifference.”Ihavecometobelievethattherearecertainhardmoments,diverging-roadmoments,that,ifwe

arestronginthem,willmake“allthedifference”downtheroadoflife.So what exactly are hard moments? Hard moments are conflicts between

doing the right thing and doing the easier thing. They are the key tests, thedefining moments of life—and how we handle them can literally shape ourforevers.Theycomeintwosizes,smallandlarge.Smallhardmomentsoccurdailyandincludethingslikegettingupwhenyour

alarm rings, controlling your temper, or disciplining yourself to do yourhomework. If you can conquer yourself and be strong in thesemoments yourdays will run so much more smoothly. For example, if I’m weak in a hardmomentandsleepin(mattressovermind), itoftensnowballsandbecomesthefirst of many little failures throughout the day. But if I get up when planned(mindovermattress),itoftenbecomesthefirstofmanylittlesuccesses.Incontrasttosmallhardmoments,largeronesoccureverysoofteninlifeand

include things likechoosinggoodfriends, resistingnegativepeerpressure,andreboundingafteramajorsetback:Youmaygetcut froma teamordumpedbyyour lover, your parents may get divorced, or you may have a death in thefamily.Thesemoments have huge consequences and often strikewhen you’releastexpectingthem.Ifyourecognizethat thesemomentswillcome(andtheywill),thenyoucanprepareforthemandmeetthemheadonlikeawarriorandcomeoutvictorious.Be courageous at thesekey junctures!Don’t sacrifice your future happiness

for one night of pleasure, a weekend of excitement, or a thrillingmoment ofrevenge.Ifyouareeverthinkingaboutdoingsomethingreallystupid,remembertheselinesfromShakespeare(Wow!Shakespearetwiceinonechapter):

WhatwinI,ifIgainthethingIseek?Adream,abreath,afrothoffleetingjoy.Whobuysaminutes’mirthtowailaweek?Orsellseternitytogetatoy?Foronesweetgrapewhowillthevinedestroy?

Theselinesareaboutsacrificingyourfutureforabriefmomentofjoy.Whowouldwanttogiveuptherestofhisorherlifeforatoy?Orwhowouldwanttobuyaminuteofhappiness (mirth) for aweek’sworthofpain?Orwhowoulddestroyanentirevineforjustonegrape?Onlyastupidpersonwould.

OvercomingPeerPressureSome of the hardest moments come when facing peer pressure. Saying no

whenallyourfriendsaresayingyestakesrawcourage.However,standingupto

peerpressure,whatIcall“won’tpower,”isamassivedepositintoyourPBA.Acounseloratahighschoolsharedthis:

Afreshmangirlrushedintomyofficebeforeschoolwithtearsstreamingdownherface.“Theyhateme!Theyhateme!”She had just been dumped by her group of friendswho told her to get lost

becauseshehadbeen“toogood”thedaybeforetoditchschoolandrideuptoChicago for the day. She said at first shewanted to go but then thought howmuchitwouldhurthermomwhentheschoolcalledhomeandtoldherthatherdaughterwasn’tinschool.Shefeltshejustcouldn’tdothattohermombecauseshehadmadesomanysacrificesforher.Shecouldn’tletherdown!She stood up and said no I can’t do it, and everyone just blewher off. She

thoughtthenextdaythateverythingwouldbeokay,butitwasn’t—theyalltoldhertofindnewfriendsbecauseshewastoogoodforthem.Through the tears and pain she began to see that she felt good inside, but

lonely,asherfriendsdidn’taccepther.Butsheacceptedherselfandgainedself-respect and inner peace despite outside rejection. A life lesson learned and amomentofstandingupforherself.

Sometimespeerpressurecanbesostrong that theonlywaytoresist it is toremoveyourselfentirelyfromtheenvironmentyou’rein.Thisisespeciallythecaseifyou’reinvolvedwithagang,afraternityorsorority,oratightgroupoffriends.ForHeather,changingherenvironmentwasthebestsolution:

EventhoughIknewforalongtimethatIneededtochangemyfriends,Ijustdidn’t know how.My “best friend”would encourageme to do the things shewas,likesleepingaroundanddoingdrugs.Beforelongpeopleatschoolstartedtocallmeaslut.I stillwanted to be friendswithher, andmyother friends, because Iwould

thinkaboutallthegoodtimeswe’dhadtogether.YetwhenIwentoutwiththematnightwewouldgetintostuffweweren’tsupposedto.IknewIwasholdingontothingsthatIshouldn’tbe.IdecidedIneededtochangemywholeenvironmentandgetawayfromitall.I

askedmymomifIcouldgoandstaywithmyaunttogetanewstartandfindabettergroupoffriends.Sheagreed,andsincethenI’vemovedinwithmyaunt.Now,aroundmynew friends, I saywhatever I feel is right, and I ambeing

moremyself. Idon’tcarewhatpeoplesayaboutme,and if theydon’t likeme,thenohwell!Thisisme,andIamnotgoingtochangejusttofitinwiththem.Iamgoingtochangeforme.

Toovercomepeerpressure,you’vegottocaremoreaboutwhatyouthinkofyou than what your peers think of you, as this short poem by Portia Nelsonremindsus:

AnydayoftheweekIwouldchoosetobe“out”

withothersandintouchwithmyself…

thantobe“in”withothersandoutoftouchwithmyself.

Whyispeerpressuresohardtoresist?It’sbecauseyouaredyingtobelong.That’swhyteensareoftenwillingtogothroughbrutalhazingritualstobecomeamemberofacluborgetheavyintodrugsandviolencetobecomeamemberofagang.Sometimeswesimplyneedawake-upcalltosnapusoutofit,aswasthecasewithRyan:

Peerpressureandwearingthelateststylesinclotheswasreallyimportanttome.ThenIgotreallysickwithakidneydisease,anditjustkindofseemedsillyto buy a bunch of clotheswhen in a fewmonths theywere not the cool thinganymore. I decided that Iwasgoing todowhatwasmost important. I startedspending more time with my family, instead of being out with my friends somuch, and I stoppedworrying aboutwhat they thought aboutme, and startedbeingmyself.

Notallpeerpressureisbad.Infact,muchofitcanbeverygood.Ifyoucanfindafriendwhoputspositivepressureonyoutobeyourbest,thenhangontohimorherfordearlife,becauseyou’vegotsomethingveryspecial.Ifyoufindyourselfwantingtostandupbutinsteadyouarecontinuallycaving

intopeerpressure,herearetwothingsyoucando.First, build your personal bank account. If your self-confidence and self-

respectarelow,howcanyouexpecttohavethestrengthtoresist?Whatcanyoudo?YoucanbegintodaytobuildyourPBA,littlebylittle.Makeapromisetoyourselfandkeepit.Helpsomeoneinneed.Developatalent.Renewyourself.Eventually you’ll have sufficient strength to forge your own path instead offollowingthebeatenones.(Youmaywanttoreviewthechapteronthepersonalbankaccount.)Second,write yourmission statement and set goals. If you haven’t decided

what your values are, how can you expect to stick up for them? It will be awhole lot easier to say no if you knowwhat goals you’re saying yes to. Forexample, it’seasier tosayno tocuttingclasswhenyouaresayingyes toyourgoalofgettinggoodgradesandmakingittocollege.(YoumaywanttoreviewthechapteronHabit2,BeginwiththeEndinMind.)

•THECOMMONINGREDIENTOFSUCCESSIn the final analysis, putting first things first takes discipline. It takes

discipline tomanage your time. It takes discipline to overcome your fears. Ittakesdisciplinetobestronginthehardmomentsandresistpeerpressure.Amanby the name of Albert E. Gray spent years studying successful people in anattempttofigureoutthatspecialingredientthatmadethemallsuccessful.Whatdoyou thinkhe found?Well, itwasn’tdressing for success,oreatingbran,orhaving a positive mental attitude. Instead, this is what he found. Read itcarefully.AlbertE.Gray’sCommonDenominatorofSuccess:

Allsuccessfulpeoplehavethehabitofdoingthethingsfailuresdon’t like todo. They don’t like doing them either necessarily. But their disliking issubordinatedtothestrengthoftheirpurpose.

Whatdoesthismean?Itmeansthatsuccessfulpeoplearewillingtosuckitupfrom time to timeanddo things theydon’t likedoing.Whydo theydo them?Becausetheyknowthesethingswillleadthemtotheirgoals.In other words, sometimes you just gotta exercise your special human tool

calledwillpowertogetthingsdone,whetheryoufeellikeitornot.Doyouthink

aconcertpianistalwaysenjoyshoursofpracticeeachday?Does a person who is committed to earning her own way through college

enjoytakingonasecondjob?Irememberreadingastoryaboutanall-Americancollegiatewrestlerwhowas

askedwhat themostmemorabledayofhis careerhadbeen.He replied that itwas theonedayduringhis careerwhenpracticehadbeen canceled.Hehatedpractice,butwaswillingtoendureitforagreaterpurpose,hisloveofbeingthebesthecouldbe.

•AFINALWORDWe’vesurveyedthousandsofpeopleonthe7Habitsandguesswhichhabitis

thehardestonetolive?Youguessedit!It’sHabit3.Sodon’tgetdiscouragedifyoustrugglewithit.You’vegotcompany.If youdon’t knowwhere to startwithHabit3, go to thebaby steps.That’s

whattheyaretherefor—tohelpyougetstarted.

Your teenyears canbe someof themost exciting andadventurousyearsoflife.Sovalueeachmoment,asthispoemsobeautifullycommunicates:

TorealizethevalueofOneYear,AskastudentwhofailedhisorherAPexams.

TorealizethevalueofOneMonth,Askamotherwhogavebirthtoaprematurebaby.

TorealizethevalueofOneWeek,Askaneditorofaweeklymagazine.TorealizethevalueofOneDay,

Askadailywagelaborerwhohassixkidstofeed.TorealizethevalueofOneHour,

Asktheloverswhoarewaitingtomeet.TorealizethevalueofOneMinute,Askapersonwhomissedtheirtrain.TorealizethevalueofOneSecond,

Askthepersonwhosurvivedanaccident.TorealizethevalueofOneMillisecond,

AskthepersonwhowonasilvermedalintheOlympics.

COMINGATTRACTIONS

Justupaheadwe’lltalkaboutthestuffthatlifeismadeof.Ithinkyou’llbesurprisedwhatthatstuffis.Sokeepmoving!Bytheway,you’rehalfway

donewiththebook.Congratulations!

BABYSTEPS1Setagoaltouseaplannerforonemonth.Sticktoyourplan.2Identifyyourbiggest time-wasters.Doyoureallyneedtospendtwohoursonthephone,surftheWeballnight,orwatchthatsitcomrerun?

Mybiggesttime-wasters:________________________________________________________

3 Are you a “pleaser,” someone who says yes to everything andeveryone? If so,have the courage to sayno todaywhen it’s the rightthingtodo.4 If youhavean important test inoneweek,don’tprocrastinateandwaituntilthedaybeforetostudy.Suckitupandstudyalittleeachday.5Thinkofsomethingyou’veprocrastinatedforalongtimebutthat’sveryimportanttoyou.Blockouttimethisweektogetitdone.

ItemI’veprocrastinatedforever:____________

6 Note your ten most important big rocks for theupcomingweek.Now,blockout timeonyour schedule to accomplisheachone.7 Identify a fear that is holding you back from reaching your goals.

Decide rightnow to jumpoutsideyour comfort zoneand stop lettingthatfeargetthebestofyou.

Fearthat’sholdingmeback:______________-8 How much impact does peer pressure have on you? Identify thepersonorpeoplewhohavethemostinfluenceuponyou.Askyourself,“AmIdoingwhatIwanttodoorwhattheywantmetodo?

Person or people who most influenceme:__________________________________________________________________

PARTIII

ThePublicVictory

TheRelationshipBankAccountTheStuffThatLifeIsMadeOf

Habit4-ThinkWin-WinLifeIsanAll-You-Can-EatBuffet

Habit5—SeekFirsttoUnderstand,ThentoBeUnderstoodYouHaveTwoEarsandOneMouth…Hel-lo!

Habit6—SynergizeThe“High”Way

TheRelationshipBankAccountTHESTUFFTHATLIFEISMADEOF

Oneofmyfavoritequotes,which,bytheway,alwaysmakesmefeelguilty,is“Ontheirdeathbednobodyhaseverwishedtheyhadspentmoretimeat theoffice.”

I’ve often asked myself, “What do they wish they had spent more timedoing?” I think the answer might be “Spent more time with the people theylove.”Yousee,it’sallaboutrelationships,thestuffthatlifeismadeof.What’s it like tobe in a relationshipwithyou? Ifyouhad to ratehowwell

you’redoinginyourmostimportantrelationships,howwouldyouscore?

Maybe you’re doing pretty well. Maybe not. Either way, this chapter isdesigned tohelpyou improve thesekey relationships.Butbeforewego there,let’squicklyreviewwherewe’vejustcomefrom.InthePrivateVictory,welearnedaboutthepersonalbankaccountandHabits

1,2,and3.InthePublicVictorysection,we’lllearnabouttherelationshipbankaccountandHabits4,5,and6.Aswe’vealreadydiscussed,thekeytomasteringrelationshipsisfirstmasteringyourself,atleasttosomedegree.Youdon’thavetobeperfect;youjustneedtobemakingprogress.Whyissuccesswithselfsoimportanttosuccesswithothers?It’sbecausethe

most important ingredient in any relationship iswhat youare.As the essayistandphilosopherRalphWaldoEmersonputit,“WhoyouarespeakssoloudlyIcan’t hearwhat you’re saying.” If you’re struggling inyour relationships, you

probablydon’thavetolookanyfurtherthanyourselffortheanswer.

Life’smosturgentquestionis:

Whatareyoudoingforothers?

MARTINLUTHERKINGJR

ThePrivateVictorywillhelpyoubecomeindependentsothatyoucansay,“Iam responsible for myself and I can create my own destiny.” This is a hugeaccomplishment.ThePublicVictorywillhelpyoubecomeinterdependent,thatis,helpyoulearntoworkcooperativelywithothers,sothatyoucansay,“IamateamplayerandIhavepowerandinfluencewithpeople.”Thisisanevengreateraccomplishment.Thelongandshortofitis,yourabilitytogetalongwithotherswill largelydeterminehowsuccessfulyouare inyourcareerandyour levelofpersonalhappiness.Nowbacktotalkingaboutrelationships.Here’sapracticalwaytothinkabout

them. I call it the relationship bank account (RBA). In an earlier chapter wespokeaboutyourpersonalbankaccount(PBA),whichrepresentstheamountoftrust and confidence you have in yourself. Similarly, the RBA represents theamountoftrustandconfidenceyouhaveineachofyourrelationships.The RBA is very much like a checking account at a bank. You can make

deposits and improve the relationship, or take withdrawals and weaken it. Astrongandhealthyrelationshipisalwaystheresultofsteadydepositsmadeoveralongperiod.Althoughtherearesimilarities,theRBAisdifferentfromafinancialaccount

inthreeways,asacolleagueofmine,JudyHenrichs,oncepointedouttome:1.Unlikeabankwhereyoumayhaveonlyoneortwoaccounts,youhaveanRBAwitheveryoneyoumeet.Supposeyoucomeacrossanewkid inthe neighborhood. If you smile and say hello, you’ve just opened anaccountwithhim.Ifyouignorehim,you’vejustopenedanaccountaswell,althoughanegativeone.There’snogettingaroundit.2.Unlikeacheckingaccount,onceyouopenanRBAwithanotherperson,

youcannever close it.That’swhyyoucan run into a friendyouhaven’tseeninyearsandpickuprightwhereyouleftoff.Notadollarislost.It’salsowhypeoplehangontogrudgesforyears.3.Inacheckingaccount,tendollarsistendollars.InanRBA,depositstendto evaporate andwithdrawals tend to turn to stone. Thismeans that youneed to continually make small deposits into your most importantrelationshipsjusttokeeptheminthepositive.

Sohowcanyoubuildarichrelationshiporrepairabrokenone?It’ssimple.Onedepositatatime.It’sthesamewayyou’deatanelephantifyouhadto.Onebiteatatime.Thereisnoquickfix.Ifmyrelationshipwithyouis$5,000inthehole,I’llneedtomake$5,001worthofdepositstogetitbackinthepositive.Ionceaskedagroupof teens,“What is themostpowerfuldeposit someone

hasmadeintoyourRBA?”Thesearesomeoftheirresponses:•“Thesteadystreamofdepositsmyfamilymakesthatstrengthenme.”•“Whenafriend,teacher,lovedone,oremployertakesthetimetosay‘Youlooknice’or‘Greatjob.’Afewwordsgoalongway.”•“Myfriendsmademeabanneronmybirthday.”•“Braggingaboutmetoothers.”• “When I have made mistakes, they forgive, forget, and help andlove.”• “My friend told me, after I read some poems I wrote, that I wasbrilliantandIshouldwriteabook.Itwashardtosharesomeofthoseinthefirstplace.”•“MymothercalledfromCalifornia,aswellasbothofmysisters,towishmeahappybirthday,beforeIleftforschool.”• “My brother would always take me to hockey games with hisfriends.”•“Littlethings.”

• “I have four really good friends, and just being together as friendsand knowing that we’re all doing good and are happy keeps megoing.”•“WheneverChrissays‘Hi,howareyou,Ryan?’itmakesmefeelsoupliftedthewayhedoesit.”• “I had a friend who told me he believed I was very sincere andalwaysmyself.Itmeantalotthatsomeonewouldrecognizethat.”

Asyoucansee,therearemanykindsofdeposits,butherearesixthatseemtoworkeverytime.Ofcourse,witheverydeposit,thereisanoppositewithdrawal.

RBADEPOSITS RBAWITHDRAWALS

Keeppromises

Breakpromises

Dosmallactsofkindness

Keeptoyourself

Beloyal

Gossipandbreakconfidences

Listen Don’tlistenSayyou’resorry

Bearrogant

Setclearexpectations

Setfalseexpectations

•KEEPINGPROMISES“Sean,Idon’twanttoaskyouagain.Therearetrashbagsinthetrunkof

mycarfromthepartytheothernight.Pleasethrowthemaway.”“Okay,Dad.”As a carefree teenager, I somehow forgot to empty the trash bags inDad’s

Ford,asIsaidIwould,becauseIhadahotdatethatSaturdayafternoon.IhadaskedmydadifIcouldusetheFord,buthesaidnobecauseitwasn’thiscar.Itwas a loaner that his friend at the dealership had arranged for. But I took itanywaybecausehewasbusyandIwassurehewouldn’tnotice.MydateandIhadawonderful time.Onthewayhome,however,I rammed

intothebackofacardoingthirty.Noonewasseriouslyhurt,butbothcarswerepracticallyruined.I’llneverforgetthemostmiserablephonecallofmylife.“Dad.”“What?”“Ihadanaccident.”“YOUWHAT?AREYOUOK?“Igotintoawreck.Noone’shurt.”“INWHICHCAR?”“Yourcar.”“NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” By this time I was holding the phone six inches

away.Anditstillhurt.IhadthecartowedtotheForddealershiptoseeiftheycouldsalvageit.Since

itwasSaturday,theytoldmetheywouldn’tbeabletoworkonituntilMonday.OnMondaymydadreceivedacallfromtherepairshop.Themanagersaidthatwhenhispeopleopenedthetrunktorepairthecar,thesmellofrottinggarbage(thegarbageI forgot toempty)wassodisgusting that theyrefused toworkonthecar.Ifyouthoughtmydadwasmadbefore,youshouldhaveseenhimthen.ForthenextseveralweeksIlivedinthedoghouse.Itwasn’tthecrashhewas

somadabout.HewasangrybecauseIhadbrokentwopromises:“Iwon’ttakeyourcar,Dad,”and“Don’tworry,Dad. I’ll take the trashoutof the trunk.” Itwasahugewithdrawal,andittookmealongtimetorebuildmyRBAwithmydadagain.Keepingsmallcommitmentsandpromisesisvitaltobuildingtrust.Youmust

dowhatyou sayyou’regoing todo. Ifyou tellyourmomyou’regoing tobehome at 11:00 or that you will do the dishes tonight, then do it and make adeposit.Give out promises sparingly, and then do everything you can to keep

them. If you find you can’t keep a commitment for some reason (it happens),thenlettheotherpersonknowwhy.“Littlesister,I’mreallysorryIcan’tcometoyour play tonight. I didn’t realize I had a debate meet. But I’ll be theretomorrow.” If you’re genuine and try to keep your promises, people willunderstandwhensomethinginterferes.

If your RBA with your parents is low, try building it by keeping yourcommitments, becausewhen your parents trust you, everything goes somuchbetter.ButIdon’tneedtotellyouwhatyoualreadyknow.

•DOSMALLACTSOFKINDNESSHaveyoueverhadadaywhereeverythingisgoingwrongandyoufeeltotally

depressed…andthensuddenly,outofnowhere,someonesayssomethingnicetoyouand it turnsyourwholeday around?Sometimes the smallest things—ahello, a kind note, a smile, a compliment, a hug—can make such a bigdifference.Ifyouwanttobuildfriendships,trydoingthelittlethings,becauseinrelationshipsthelittlethingsarethebigthings.AsMarkTwainputit,“Icanlivethreemonthsonagoodcompliment.”

A friend ofmine, Renon, once toldme about a $1,000 deposit her brothermadeintoherRBA:

Onekindwordcanwarmthreewintermonths.

JAPANESESAYING

WhenIwasinninthgrade,mybigbrothercanwarmthreeHans,whowasajuniorinhighschool,seemedtometobetheepitomeofpopularity.Hewaswintermonths. good in sports and dated a lot.Our housewas always filledwithhiscoolfriends,guysIdreamedwouldsomedaythinkofmeasmorethanjust“Hans’sdumblittlekidsister.”HansaskedRebeccaKnight,themostpopulargirlintheschool,togowith

himtothejuniorprom.Sheaccepted.Herentedthetux,boughttheflowers,and, along with the rest of his popular crowd, hired a limo and madereservationsatafancyrestaurant.Then,disasterstruck.Ontheafternoonoftheprom,Rebeccacamedownwithaterriblestrainofflu.Hanswaswithoutadate,anditwastoolatetoaskanothergirl.TherewereanumberofwaysHanscouldhave reacted, includinggetting

angry, feeling sorry for himself, blaming Rebecca, even choosing to believethatshereallywasn’tsickandjustdidn’twanttogowithhim,inwhichcasehewouldhavehadtobelievethathewasaloser.ButHanschosenotonlytobeproactivebuttogivesomeoneelsethenightofherlife.

Heaskedme—me!hislittlesister!—togowithhimtohisjuniorprom.Canyouimaginemyecstasy?MomandIflewaboutthehousegettingme

ready.Butwhenthelimopulledupwithallofhisfriends,Ialmostchickenedout.What would they think? ButHans just grinned, gaveme his arm, andproudlyescortedmeouttothecarlikeIwasthequeenoftheball.Hedidn’twarnmenottoactlikeakid;hedidn’tapologizetotheothers;heignoredthefactthatIwasdressedinasimpleshort-skirtedpiano-recitaldresswhilealloftheothergirlswereinelegantformals.Iwasbedazzledat thedance.Ofcourse, I spilledpunchonmydress. I’m

sureHansbribedeveryoneofhisfriendstodanceatleastonedancewithme,becauseIneversatoutonce.Someofthemevenpretendedtofightoverwhogottodancewithme.Ihadthegreatesttime.AndsodidHans.Whiletheguysweredancingwithme,hewasdancingwiththeirdates!Thetruthis,everyonewas wonderful to me the whole night, and I think part of the reason wasbecauseHanschosetobeproudofme.Itwasthedreamnightofmylife,andIthink every girl in the school fell in love with my brother, who was coolenough,kindenough,andself-confidentenoughtotakehislittlesistertohisjuniorprom.

If, as the Japanese saying goes, “one kind word can warm three wintermonths,” think how many winter months were warmed by this single act ofkindness.

Youdon’thavetolookfartofindopportunitiesforsmallactsofkindness.AyoungmannamedLee,whowastaughtabouttheRBA,relatedthis:I am the junior class president at my school. I decided to try the small

kindnessdepositI learnedaboutbyputtingasimplenoteintheboxesof thestudent body officers I didn’t know well. I told them that I appreciated theworktheydid.Theytookmeaboutfiveminutestowriteup.Thenext day one of the girls I hadwritten a note to cameup tome and

abruptlygavemeabighug.She thankedmefor thenote,andhandedmealetteranda candybar.Thenote said shehadhada terribleday.Shehadagreat deal of stress and was very depressed.My small note had turned herwhole day around, helping her to happily accomplish the things that hadcausedhersomuchgrief.ThestrangethingwasthatIhadhardlyknownherwhen I gave her the note, and I was sure that she didn’t like me anyway

becausesheneverreallypaidanyattentiontome.Whatasurprise!Icouldn’tbelievehowmuchasimplenotemeanttoher.

Smallactsofkindnessdon’talwayshavetobeoneonone.Youcanalsojoinwithothers tomake adeposit. I remember reading about adeposit thekids atJoliet Township Central High School near Chicago made in the life of anunsuspecting teenage girl named Lori when they crowned her homecomingqueen.Yousee,unlikemostof thestudents,Loriwasspecialedandmadeherway

around the school in a motorized wheelchair. Because of cerebral palsy, herwordswereoftendifficulttounderstandandhermovementsawkward.After being nominated for homecoming queen by students in Business

Professionals ofAmerica, Lorimade the first cutwhen students narrowed theslate to ten.Atapepassemblysoonafter, itwasannouncedthatshehadwon.Theentirestudentbodyoftwenty-fivehundredstartedchanting,“Lori!Lori!”Adaylater,shewasstillreceivingvisitorsatherhomeandrosesbythedozen.When asked how long she intended to wear her crown, Lori answered,

“Forever.”

Followthegoldenruleandtreatothersasyouwouldwantthemtotreatyou.Thinkaboutwhatadepositmeanstosomeoneelse,notwhatyouwouldwantasa deposit.A nice giftmay be a deposit for you, but a listening earmay be adepositforanotherperson.

Ifyoueverhavesomethingnicetosay,don’tletthatthoughtjustrot,say it.AsKenBlanchardwrote inhisbookTheOneMinuteManager,“Unexpressedgoodthoughtsaren’tworthsquat!”Don’twaituntilpeoplearedeadtogivethemflowers.

•BELOYALAsajuniorinhighschool,I’llneverforgetwatchingahighschoolbasketball

gamewithmyfriendEric.Ibeganmakingfunofoneoftheplayerswhoalwayssatonthebench.Hewasaniceguyandhadalwaysbeengoodtome,butalotofotherpeoplemadefunofhimsoIthoughtIwouldtoo.ItmadeEriclaugh.AfterIhadrippedon thiskidforseveralminutes, Ihappened to turnaroundand, tomy horror, saw this kid’s younger brother sitting right behind me. He hadoverheardeverything. I’llnever forget the lookofbetrayalwrittenalloverhisface.Quickly turningbackaround, I satquietly for the restof thegame. I feltlikeatotal jerk,aboutonefoottall.DidIeverlearnanimportantlessonaboutloyaltythatnight!OneofthebiggestRBAdepositsyoucanmakeistobeloyaltootherpeople,

not onlywhen they’re in your presence butmore especiallywhen they’re notpresent.Whenyoutalkbehindpeople’sbacks,you’reonlyhurtingyourself, intwoways.First,youmakewithdrawalsfromeveryonewhohearsyourcomments.Ifyou

hearmetrashGregwhenGregisn’ttheretodefendhimself,whatdoyouthinkI’mgoing tobedoingwhenyou’renotpresent?That’s right. I’ll begossipingaboutyou.Second,when you bad-mouth or gossip youmakewhat I call an “invisible

withdrawal” from the person you’re attacking. Have you ever sensed thatsomeonehasbeen trashingyoubehindyourback?Youdidn’t hear it, butyou

canfeelit.It’sstrangebuttrue.Ifyousweet-talkpeoplewhenthey’refacingyoubuttrash-talkthemwhentheirbacksareturned,don’tthinktheywon’tfeelit.Itsomehowgetscommunicated.Gossiping is a huge problem among teens, especially girls. Guys usually

preferotherwaysofattackingpeople(wecall them fists),butgirls likewords.Whyisgossipingsopopular?Forone thing,youholdsomeone’s reputation inthepalmsof yourhands and that’s a powerful feeling.For another,wegossipbecausewe’reinsecure,afraid,orthreatened.That’swhygossipersusuallyliketopickonpeoplewholookdifferent,thinkdifferent,areself-confident,orstandout in someway. But isn’t it kind of silly to think that tearing someone elsedownbuildsyouup?Gossip and rumors probably have destroyed more reputations and

relationshipsthaneveryotherbadhabitcombined.Thisstory,toldbymyfriendAnnie,illustratestheirvenomouspower:

Thesummerfollowinghighschoolgraduationmybest friend,Tara,andIweredatingtworeallyneatguys.Theywerebestfriends,wewerebestfriends,andweoftendoubled.OneweekendTaraandmyboyfriend,Sam,bothwentoutof townwiththeirfamilies.Tara’sboyfriend,Will,calledandsaid,“Hey,let’sdoamoviesincebothTaraandSamareoutoftownandwehavenothingtodo.”We truly went out only as friends—Will knew that and I knew that Of

course,someonesawusatthemoviesandmisinterpretedthesituation.Well,inasmalltown,thingshaveatendencytogrow.WhenTaraandSamreturned,andevenbeforeIhadachancetotalktomybestfriendormyboyfriend,thewordwasout.Therewasnopullingbackthestoriesandrumors.AsIcalledtosay“hi” to them, I got a frigid blast of arctic air.Therewasno explaining.There was no communication. My best friend and my boyfriend chose tobelievethenastyrumorsthatwerebeingspread,andintheirangeraddedfuelto the fire. I learned a really tough lesson about loyalty that summer that Ihaveneverforgottennorevengottenover.Andtothisday,mybestfriendstilldoesn’tbelieveme.

Intheabovecatastrophe,itseemstomethatalittleloyaltywouldhavesolvedalotofproblem.Sojustwhatisitthatmakesaloyalperson?Loyal people keep secrets.When people share somethingwith you and ask

youtokeepit“justbetweenyouandme,”thenforgoodness’sake,keepit“justbetweenyouandthem”insteadofrunningoutandtellingeverylastsouleveryjuicydetailasifyouhadnocontrolofyourbodilyfunctions.Ifyouenjoybeingtoldsecrets,thenkeepthemsecret,andyou’llgetmoreof’emtoldtoyou.

Loyalpeopleavoidgossip.Haveyoueverbeenhesitanttoleaveagroupchatbecauseyou’reafraidsomeonemightstartgossipingaboutyou?Don’tletothersthink that about you. Avoid gossip like rabies. Thinkwell of others and givethemthebenefitofthedoubt.Thisdoesn’tmeanthatyoucan’ttalkaboutotherpeople, just try to do it in a constructive way. Remember, strong minds talkaboutideas;weakmindstalkaboutpeople.Loyalpeoplestickupforothers.Thenexttimeagroupstartsgossipingabout

anotherperson,refusetoparticipateinthegossiporstickupforthatperson.Youcandosowithoutsoundingself-righteous.Katie,aseniorinhighschool,sharedthisstory:

OnedayinmyEnglishclass,myfriendMattstartedtalkingaboutagirlIknew in my neighborhood, although we had never been close friends. Hisfriendhadtakenherouttoadanceandsohestartedsayingthingslike“Sheissuchasnot”and“She’ssoditzy.”I turned around and said, “Excuse me, but Kim and I have grown up

togetherandIthinkshe’soneofthesweetestpeopleIhaveevermet.”AfterIsaiditIwaskindofsurprisedatmyself.Ihadactuallybeenstrugglingtogetalong with her. Even though Kim never knew what I said about her, myattitudetowardherchangedandwebecamereallyclosefriends.MattandIstillaregoodfriends.Ithinkheknowshecancountonmetobe

aloyalfriend.

Cuttingagainstthegrainofagossippile-ontakescourage.Butaftertheinitialembarrassment it may cause you, people will admire you because they knowyou’re loyal to the core. I’d make an extra effort to be loyal to your familymembers,sincetheserelationshipswilllastalifetime.AsillustratedsowellintheWinnie-the-Poohclassics,peopleneedtofeelsafe

andsecureinrelationships:PigletsidledupbehindPooh.“Pooh,”hewhispered.“Yes,Piglet?”“Nothing,”saidPiglet,takingPooh’spaw.“Ijustwantedtobesureofyou.”

•LISTEN

Listeningtosomeonecanbeoneofthesinglegreatestdepositsyoucanmakeintoanother’sRBA.Why?Becausemostpeopledon’t listenand, furthermore,listening can healwounds, as it did in the case of this fifteen-year-old namedTawni:

AtthebeginningoftheyearIwashavingcommunicationtroubleswithmyparents.Theywerenot listeningandIwasnot listening.Itwasoneof those“I’mrightandyou’rewrong”kindofthings.Iwouldcomeinlateandjustgotobed,and in themorningIwouldhavebreakfastandgo toschoolandnotsayanything.Iwenttoseemycousin,whoisolderthanme,andsaid,“Ineedtotalkto

you.”Wewentforadriveacrosstownsowecouldbealone.Shelistenedtomefreakoutandcryandscreamfortwoandahalfhours.Shereallyhelpedmealotbecauseshejustlistenedtoallofit.ShewasoptimisticthatitwouldbeallrightandsuggestedthatitmighthelpifItriedtowinbackmyparents’trustIhavebeentryingtoseethingsfromtheirpointofviewlately.Wearenotin

afightanymore,andthingsaregettingbacktonormal.

Peopleneedtobelistenedtoalmostasmuchastheyneedfood.Andifyou’lltaketimetofeedthem,you’llcreatesomefabulousfriendships.We’lltalkaboutlisteningalotmorewhenwegettoHabit5:SeekFirsttoUnderstand,ThentoBeUnderstood.It’sjustupahead.

•SAYYOU’RESORRYSayingyou’resorrywhenyouyell,overreact,ormakeastupidmistakecan

quickly restore anoverdrawnbankaccount.But it takesguts togo to a friendandsay,

“Iwaswrong,”“Iapologize,”or“I’msorry.”It’sespeciallyhardtoadmitthatyoumadeamistaketoyourparents,because,ofcourse,youknowsomuchmorethantheydo.Seventeen-year-oldLenahadthistosay:

Iknowfromexperiencehowmuchanapologymeanstomyparents.It’sliketheyforgivemeforalmostanythingandarereadytostartoverifIadmitmymistakesandapologize.Butthatdoesn’tmeanit’seasytodo.Irecallonenightrecentlywhenmymotherconfrontedmewithsomething

she didn’t approve of that I had done. I didn’t fess up to any of it; on thecontraryIendedupactingliketheyweretotaljerksandslammingthedoortomyroomrightinfrontofmymother’snose.AssoonasIgotinsidemyroomIfeltsickaboutit.IrealizedIprobablyhad

knownallalongIwaswrongandthatIhadbeenextremelyrude.ShouldIjuststay inmy roomandgo tobedandhope itwouldblowover, or should Igoupstairs and apologize? I waited about twominutes and then took the highroadandwentstraighttomymom,gaveherabighug,andtoldherhowsorryI was for acting that way. It was the best thing I ever could have done.Immediatelyitwasasthoughithadneverhappened.Ifeltlightandhappyandreadytoconcentrateonsomethingelse.

Don’t letyourprideor a lackof courage stand in thewayof sayingyou’resorrytopeopleyoumayhaveoffended,becauseit’sneverasscaryasitseems,and it will make you feel so good afterward. In addition, apologies disarmpeople.When people get offended their tendency is to take up a sword, so tospeak, to protect themselves in the future. But when you apologize, you takeawaytheirdesiretofightyouandtheywilldroptheirswords.Clank!Seeing that you and Iwill continue tomakemistakes the rest of our lives,

sayingyou’resorryain’ttoobadahabittogethookedon.

•SETCLEAREXPECTATIONS

“I think thatweshouldbedatingotherpeople,”yourpartnermight tellyou.

“ButIthoughtweweregoingtogether,”youmightreply.“Well,notreally”“Whatabouteverythingyoutoldmeabouthowyoufeelaboutme?”“Ididn’treallymeanitthatway.”Howoftenhaveyouseensomeonegethurtbecauseanotherpersonledthem

on?Ourtendencyistowanttoflatterandpleaseothers,and,asaresult,weoftensetunclearorunrealisticexpectations.Topleaseyourdadatthemoment,youmightsay,“Sure,Dad,Icanhelpyou

fixupthecarthisweekend.”But,realistically,you’rebookedtheentireweekendanddon’thaveasecond.Intheend,youdisappointyourdad.Youwouldhavebeenbetteroffbeingrealisticupfront.To develop trust we need to avoid sending vague messages or implying

somethingthatisnottrueornotlikelytohappen.Jacquelinesays,“Ihadagreattime,Jeff.Let’sbesuretodosomethingagain

nextweek!”Whatshereallymeansis:“Ihadagoodtime.Let’sjustbefriends.”Butsinceshe’screatedfalseexpectations,JeffwillcontinuetoaskheroutandJacqueline will continue to turn him down saying, “Maybe next week.”EveryonewouldhavebeenbetteroffifJacquelinehadbeenhonestfromtheget-go.Whenever you get into a new job, relationship, or setting, you’re better off

takingthetimetolayallexpectationsoutonthetablesothateveryoneisonthesamepage.Somanywithdrawalsaremadebecauseonepartyassumesonethingandanotherpartyassumessomethingelse.Yourbossmightsay,“IneedyoutoworkthisTuesdayevening.”Youmightreply,“I’msorry,butIhavetowatchmybabybrotheronTuesday

nightsformymom.”“You should have toldme thatwhen I hired you.Nowwhat am I going to

do?”Buildtrustthroughtellingitlikeitisandlayingoutclearexpectationsrightup

front.

APersonalChallengeI would like to leave you with a personal challenge. Pick one important

relationshipinyourlifethatisdamaged.Itmaybewithaparentorasiblingorafriend. Now commit yourself to rebuilding that relationship one deposit at atime.Theotherpersonmaybesuspiciousatfirstandwonderwhatyou’reupto.“What’s upwith you?Do youwant something fromme?”But be patient andstickwithit.Remember,itmaytakemonthstobuildupwhattookmonthstoteardown.But little by little, deposit by deposit, they’ll begin to see that you aregenuineandthatyoureallywanttobefriends.Ineversaiditwouldbeeasy,butIpromiseyouitwillbeworthit.

COMINGATTRACTIONS

Ifyouloveabuffet(andwhodoesn’t?),you’rejustgoingtolovethechapterthatfollows.

BABYSTEPS

KeepPromises1Thenexttimeyougooutforthenight,tellyourmomordadwhattimeyouwillbehomeandkeeptoit.2Alldaytoday,beforegivingoutanycommitments,pauseandthinkaboutwhetherornotyoucanhonorthem.Don’tsay,“I’llcalltonight,”or“Let’shavelunchtoday,”unlessyoucanfollowthrough.

DoSmallActsofKindness3Buyaburgerforahomelesspersonthisweek.4Writea thank-younote to someoneyou’vebeenwanting to thank foralongtime.

PersonIneedtothank:

BeLoyal5 Pinpoint when and where it is most difficult for you to refrain fromgossip.Isitwithacertainfriend,inthelockerroom,duringlunch?Comeupwithaplanofactiontoavoidit.6Trytogoonewholedaysayingonlypositivethingsaboutothers.

Listen7Don’ttalksomuchtoday.Spendthedaylistening.8Thinkofafamilymemberyou’veneverreallytakenthetimetolistento,likealittlesister,bigbrother,orgrandpa.Takethetime.

SayYou’reSorry

9Beforeyougotobedtonight,writeasimplenoteofapologytosomeoneyoumayhaveoffended.

SetClearExpectations10 Think of a situation where you and the other party have differentexpectations.Puttogetheraplanforhowtogetonthesamepage.

Theirexpectation:____________________________

_______________________________________________Myexpectation:_______________________________

_______________________________________________

Whatdowelivefor,ifitisnottomakelifelessdifficultforeachother?GEORGEELIOT,AUTHOR

Iattendeda toughbusiness school thatutilized the infamous“forcedcurve”grading policy. Every class consisted of ninety students and in each class, 10percent,orninepeople,wouldreceivewhatwascalledacategoryIII.AcategoryIIIwasanicewayofsaying“Youflunked!”Inotherwords,nomatterhowwellorpoorlytheclassperformedasawhole,ninepeoplewouldflunktheclass.Andifyou flunked toomanyclasses, youwerekickedoutof school.Thepressurewasawful!The problem was, everyone in the class was smart. (I must have been an

admissionserror.)Sothecompetitionbecameveryintense,whichinfluencedme(noticeIPridegetsnopleasuredidn’tsaymademe)andmyclassmatestoactinfunnyways.Insteadofaimingforgoodgrades,asIdidincollegeandhighschool,Ifound

myself aiming not to be one of the nine people that would flunk. Instead ofplayingtowin,Iwasplayingnottolose.ItremindsmeofthestoryIonceheardabouttwofriendsbeingchasedbyabear,whenoneturnedtotheotherandsaid,“IjustrealizedthatIdon’tneedtooutrunthebear;Ionlyneedtooutrunyou.”

Pridegetsnopleasureoutofhavingsomething,

onlyoutofhavingmoreofitthanthenextmanC.S.LEWISAUTHOR

Whilesittinginclassoneday,Icouldn’thelpbut lookaroundtheroomandtrytocountoffninepeoplewhoweredumberthanme.Whensomeonemadeastupidcomment,Icaughtmyselfthinking,“Ohgoody,he’sguaranteedtoflunk.Onlyeightmoretogo.”SometimesIfoundmyselfnotwantingtosharemybestideaswithothersduringstudygroupsbecauseIwasafraidtheywouldstealmyideasandgetcreditfortheminsteadofme.Allthesefeelingswereeatingmeupinsideandmakingmefeelrealsmall,asifmyheartwerethesizeofagrape.Theproblemwas,IwasthinkingWin-Lose.AndWin-Losethinkingwillalwaysfillyour heart with negative feelings. Luckily, there is amore excellent way. It’scalledThinkWin-Winandit’sHabit&4.ThinkWin-Winisanattitudetowardlife,amentalframeofmindthatsaysI

canwin,andsocanyou.It’snotmeoryou,it’sbothofus.ThinkWin-Winisthefoundationforgettingalongwellwithotherpeople.Itbeginswiththebeliefthatweareallequal, thatnoone is inferiororsuperior toanyoneelse,andnoonereallyneedstobe.Now, youmight say, “Get real, Sean. That’s not how it is. It’s a cutthroat,

competitiveworldoutthere.Everyonecan’talwayswin.”Idisagree.That’snothowlifereallyis.Lifereallyisn’taboutcompetition,or

gettingaheadofothers,orscoringinthe95thpercentile.Itmaybethatwayinbusiness,sports,andschool,butthosearemerelyinstitutionsthatwe’vecreated.

It’scertainlynotthatwayinrelationships.Andrelationships,aswelearnedjustachapterago,arethestufflifeismadeof.Thinkhowsillyitistosay,“Whosewinninginyourrelationship,youoryourfriend?Solet’sexplorethisstrangeideacalledThinkWin-Win.Frommyexperience,

thebestwaytodoitistoseewhatWin-Winisnot.Win-WinisnotWin-Lose,Lose-Win,orLose-Lose.Theseareall commonbutpoorattitudes toward life.Climbaboard,strapyourselfin,andlet’stakealookateachone.

•WIN-LOSE—THETOTEMPOLE“Mom,there’sabiggametonightandIneedtotakethecar.”“I’msorry,Marie,butIneedtogetgroceriestonight.Yourfriendswillhaveto

pickyouup.”“But,Mom.Myfriendsalwayshavetopickmeup.It’sembarrassing.”“Listen,you’vebeencomplainingaboutnothavinganyfoodinthehousefor

aweek.ThisistheonlytimeIhavetogetgroceries.I’msorry.”“You’re not sorry. If youwere sorry you’d letme take the car. You are so

unfair.Youcouldcarelessaboutme.”“Allright.Allright.Goahead.Takethecar.Butdon’tcomecomplainingto

mewhenthere’snothingtoeattomorrow.”MariewonandMomlost.ThisiscalledWin-Lose.ButhasMariereallywon?

Maybeshehasthistime,buthowdoesMomfeel?Andwhat’sshegoingtodothenexttimeshehasachancetogetevenwithMarie?That’swhyinthelongrunitneverpaystothinkWin-Lose.Win-Loseisanattitudetowardlifethatsaysthepieofsuccessisonlysobig,

andifyougetabigpiecethereislessforme.SoI’mgoingtomakesureIgetmyslice firstor that Igetabiggerpiece thanyou.Win-Lose iscompetitive. Icall it the totempolesyndrome.“Idon’tcarehowgoodIamas longas I’manotchhigherthanyouonthetotempole.”Relationships,friendships,andloyaltyareallsecondarytowinningthegame,beingthebest,andhavingityourway.

Win-Loseisfullofpride.InthewordsofC.S.Lewis,“Pridegetsnopleasureoutofhavingsomething,onlyoutofhavingmoreofitthanthenextman…Itisthecomparisonthatmakesyouproud,thepleasureofbeingabovetherest.”Don’t feel too bad if you thinkWin-Lose at times, because we have been

trainedtodosofromanearlyage,especiallythoseofuswhohavebeenraisedintheUnited States. Asian countries tend to bemuchmore cooperative in theirattitudes.Toillustratemypoint,let’sfollowRodney,anordinaryboy,ashegrowsup.

Rodney’s first experiencewith competition begins in the third gradewhen herunsintheannualfielddayeventsandquicklydiscoversthatribbonsaregivenonlytofirst,second,andthirdplacefinishers.Rodneydoesn’twinanyracesbutisexcitedtoatleastreceivearibbonforparticipation,untilhisbestfriendtellshimthat“thoseribbonsdon’treallycount‘causeeveryonegetsone.”WhenRodney entersmiddle school, his parents can’t afford the latest-style

jeansandshoes,soRodneyhastowearolder, lesstrendystyles.Hecan’thelpbut noticewhat hiswealthier friends arewearing and feels as though he isn’tquitemeasuringup.Inhighschool,Rodneybeginsplaying theviolinandjoins theorchestra.To

his dismay, he learns that only one person can be first fiddle. Rodney isdisappointedwhenhe’sassignedsecondfiddlebutfeelsverygoodaboutthefactthathe’snotthird.At home, Rodney has been hismom’s favorite child for several years. But

nowhisyoungerbrother,whohappenedtowinalotofribbonsathisfieldday,istakingoverasMom’sgoldenchild.Rodneybeginsstudyingextrahardatschoolforhefiguresthatifhecangetbettergradesthanhisbrother,hemightbecomeMom’schosenoneagain.

Afterfouryearsofhighschool,Rodneyisreadyforcollege.SohetakestheSATandscoresinthe50thpercentile,whichmeansthatheissmarterthanhalfhispeersbutnotassmartastheotherhalf.Unfortunately,hisscoreisnotgoodenoughtogetintothecollegehewanted.ThecollegeRodneyattendsusesforced-curvegrading.Inhisfirstchemistry

classofthirtystudents,RodneylearnsthatthereareonlyfiveAgradesandfiveBgradesavailable.TherestgetC’sandD’s.RodneyworkshardtoavoidaCorDandluckilyearnsthelastBgradeavailable.Andthestorycontinues…Afterbeingraisedinthiskindofworld,isitanywonderthenthatRodneyand

therestofusgrowupseeinglifeasacompetitionandwinningaseverything?Isitanywonderthatweoftenfindourselveslookingaroundtoseehowwestackup on the totem pole? Fortunately, you and I are not victims. We have thestrengthtobeproactiveandriseaboveallofthisWin-Loseconditioning.AWin-Loseattitudewearsmanyfaces.Thefollowingaresomeofthem:

•Usingotherpeople,emotionallyorphysically, foryourownselfishpurposes.•Tryingtogetaheadattheexpenseofanother.• Spreading rumors about someone else (as if putting someone elsedownbuildsyouup).• Always insisting on getting yourwaywithout concerning yourselfwiththefeelingsofothers.

• Becoming jealous and envious when something good happens tosomeoneclosetoyou.

IntheendWin-Losewillusuallybackfire.Youmayenduponthetopofthetotempole.Butyou’llbetherealoneandwithoutfriends.“Thetroublewiththeratrace,”saidactressLilyTomlin,“isthatevenifyouwin,you’restillarat.”

•LOSE-WIN—THEDOORMATOneteenwrote:“I,forone,amabigpeacemaker.Iwouldmuchrathertaketheblameforjust

aboutanythingthangetintoanargument.IconstantlyfindmyselfsayingthatIamdumb…”Doyou findyourself identifyingwith this statement? If so, youhave fallen

intothetrapofLose-Win.Lose-Winlooksprettieronthesurface,butit’sjustasdangerousasWin-Lose.It’sthedoormatsyndrome.Lose-Winsays,“Haveyourwaywithme.Wipeyourfeetonme.Everyoneelsedoes.”Lose-Winisweak.It’seasytogetsteppedon.It’seasytobetheniceguy.It’s

easy to give in, all in the name of being a peacemaker. It’s easy to let yourparentshavetheirwaywithyouratherthantrytoshareyourfeelingswiththem.With a Lose-Win attitude you’ll find yourself setting low expectations and

compromising your standards again and again. Giving in to peer pressure isLose-Win.Perhapsyoudon’twanttoditchschool,butthegroupwantsyouto.So you give in. What happened?Well, you lost and they won. That’s calledLose-Win.AgirlnamedJennyoncetoldmeaboutherwanderingsintheworldofLose-

Winduringhereighth-gradeyearbeforeshefinallybrokefree:

My problems with my mom all started one day when she said to mesarcastically, “Wow, you’re sure sassy today.” I took it so literally that thenandthereIdecidedtocloseofffromherandtonevertalkbacktoher.Ibeganfaking the respect and authority she wanted. So every time she would saysomething,evenifIdisagreedwithher,Iwouldjustsay,“Okay,whateveryouwant,Mom.”Half the timeshedidn’t evenknow that thingswerebotheringmebecauseIwouldn’ttellher.Whenmymomwould set rulesabout friendsandcurfews Iwould justbe

like,“Whateveryousay.”ItwaseasiertojustdowhateversheaskedbecauseIneverfeltthatmyopinionsorsuggestionswouldbetakenseriously.Butitreallygotoldquickly.Andmyresentmentbegantobuild.OnenightI

hadjustfinishedtalkingtomymomaboutaschoolassignmenttowhichshesaid,“Oh,that’snice,”andthenwentbacktomop-pingthefloor.“Don’t you even care?” I thought.But I didn’t sayanythingand stormed

off.ShehadnoideaIwasevenupset.ShewouldhavebeenwillingtotalktomehadItoldherhowimportantitwastome.ButitseemedthatIwaseagertobeavictimandtotakewhatevershedishedout.Eventually,Ijustblewup.“Mom,thishasgottochange.Ican’thandleyou

anymore.YoutellmeeverythingyouwantmetodoandIjustdoitbecauseit’seasier thanfighting.Well,I’msickof it.”IspilledmygutsandletherknowaboutallthefeelingsIhadbeenharboringinside.Thisallcameasasurprisetoher.After my blowup, it was really rocky for a while. We felt like we were

starting all over in our relationship. But it’s getting better all the time.Wediscussthingsnow,andIalwayssharemyfeelingswithher.

If you adopt Lose-Win as your basic attitude toward life, then people willwipetheirdirtyfeetonyou.Andthat’sarealbummer.You’llalsobehidingyourtruefeelingsdeepinside.Andthat’snothealthy.Thereisatimetolose,ofcourse.Lose-Winisjustfineiftheissueisn’tthat

importanttoyou,likeifyouandyoursistercan’tagreeonwhogetswhichsideoftheclosetorifyourmomdoesn’tlikethewayyouholdyourfork.Letotherswinthelittleissues,anditwillbeadepositintotheirRBA.Justbesureyoutakeastandontheimportantthings.If you’re trapped in an abusive relationship, you’re deep into Lose-Win.

Abuseisanever-endingcycleofhurtandreconciliation,hurtandreconciliation.Itnevergetsbetter.There’snowininitforyouwhatsoever,andyouneedtogetout. Don’t think that somehow the abuse is your fault or that somehow youdeserve to be abused. That’s how a doormat thinks. No one deserves to beabused,ever.(PleaseseetheAbuseHotlinesinthebackofthisbook.)

•LOSE-LOSE—THEDOWNWARDSPIRALLose-Lose says, “If I’m going down, then you’re going down with me,

sucker.”Afterall,miseryenjoyscompany.WarisagreatexampleofLose-Lose.Thinkaboutit.Whoeverkillsthemostpeoplewinsthewar.Thatdoesn’tsoundlike anyone ends up winning at all. Revenge is also Lose-Lose. By gettingrevenge,youmaythinkyou’rewinning,butyou’rereallyonlyhurtingyourself.Lose-LoseisusuallywhathappenswhentwoWin-Losepeoplegettogether.If

you want to win at all costs, and the other person wants to win at all costs,you’rebothgoingtoenduplosing.Lose-Lose can also occur when someone becomes obsessed with another

personinanegativeway.Thisisespeciallylikelytohappenwiththoseclosesttous.“Idon’tcarewhathappenstomeaslongasmybrotherfails.”“IfIcan’thave

Jeff,I’msureashecknotgoingtoletmyfriendSarahhavehim.”If you’re not careful, boyfriend-girlfriend relationships can sour into Lose-

Lose.You’veseenit.Twogoodpeoplebegindatingandthingsgowellatfirst.It’sWin-Win.But gradually they become emotionally glued and codependent.Theybegintogetpossessiveandjealous.Theyconstantlyneedtobetogether,totouch, to feel secure, as if they own the other person. Eventually, thisdependencybringsouttheworstinbothofthem.Theybegintofight,argue,and“getbackat”eachother,resultinginadownwardspiralofLose-Lose.

•WIN-WIN—THEALL-YOU-CAN-EATBUFFET

Win-Winisabeliefthateveryonecanwin.It’sbothniceandtoughallatonce.Iwon’t steponyou,but Iwon’tbeyourdoormateither.Youcareaboutotherpeopleandyouwantthemtosucceed.Butyoualsocareaboutyourself,andyouwanttosucceedaswell.Win-Winisabundant.Itisthebeliefthatthere’splentyofsuccesstogoaround.It’snoteitheryouorme.It’sbothofus.It’snotamatterof who gets the biggest piece of pie. There’s more than enough food foreveryone.It’sanall-you-can-eatbuffet.AfriendofminenamedDawnMeevessharedhowshediscoveredthepower

ofthinkingWin-Win:

Asahigh school sophomore, Iplayedon thegirls’basketball team. Iwaspretty good for my age and tall enough to be starter on the varsity teamalthoughIwas justasophomore.OneofmyclassmatesnamedPam,adearfriend and a sophomore as well, was also moved up to be a starter on thevarsitysquad.IhadasweetlittleshotIcouldhitquiteregularlyfromtenfeetout.Ibegan

makingfourorfiveofthoseshotsagameandbegangettingrecognizedforit.It soonbecameapparent thatPamdidn’t like all the attention Iwasgettinganddecided,consciouslyornot,tokeeptheballfromme.Itdidn’tmatterhowopenIwasfortheshot,Pamstoppedpassingtheballtome.Onenight,afterplayingaterriblegameinwhichPamkepttheballfromme

mostofthegame,IwasasmadasIhadeverbeen.Ispentmanyhourstalkingwith my dad, going over everything, and expressing my anger toward myfriend-turned-enemy,Pam.After a long discussion,my dad toldme that thebestthinghecouldthinkofwouldbetogivePamtheballeverytimeIgotit.Everytime.Ithoughtitwasthemoststupidsuggestionhehadevergivenme.Hesimplytoldmeitwouldworkandleftmeatthekitchentabletothinkaboutit.ButIdidn’t.Iknewitwouldn’tworkandputitasideassillyfatherlyadvice.Thenextgamecamequickly,andIwasdeterminedtobeatPamatherown

game.IplannedandplottedandcameoutwithamissiontoruinPam’sgame.Onmyfirstpossessionoftheball,Iheardmydadabovethecrowd.Hehada

booming voice, and though I shut out everything around me while playingbasketball,IcouldalwayshearDad’sdeepvoice.AtthemomentIcaughttheball,heyelledout,“Giveher theball!!”IhesitatedforonesecondandthendidwhatIknewwasright.AlthoughIwasopenforashot,IfoundPamandpassed her the ball. She was shocked for a moment, then turned and shot,sinkingtheballfortwopoints.AsIrandownthecourttoplaydefense,Ifeltafeeling I had never felt before: true joy for the success of another humanbeing.And,evenmore,Irealizedthatitputusaheadinthegame.Itfeltgoodtobewinning.Icontinued togiveher theballevery timeIgot it in the firsthalf.Everytime.Inthesecondhalf,Ididthesame,onlyshootingifitwasadesignatedplayorifIwaswideopenforashot.Wewonthatgame,andinthegamesthatfollowed,Pambegantopassme

theballasmuchasIpassedittoher.Ourteamworkwasgettingstrongerandstronger,and sowasour friendship.Wewon themajorityofourgames thatyearandbecamealegendarysmalltownduo.Thelocalnewspaperevendidanarticleonourabilitytopasstooneanotherandsenseeachother’spresence.Overall,Iscoredmorepointsthaneverbefore.

You see, Win-Win always creates more. An endless buffet. And as Dawndiscovered, wanting another person to win fills you full of good feelings. Bypassingtheball,Dawndidn’tscorefewerpointsbuteventuallyscoredmore.Infact, they both scored more points and won more games than if they hadselfishlykepttheballfromeachother.You probably domoreWin-Win thinking than you give yourself credit for.

ThefollowingareallexamplesoftheWin-Winattitude:

•You recently got a promotion at the burger joint youwork at.Yousharethepraiseandrecognitionwithallofthosewhohelpedyougetthere.•Youwerejustelectedtoanimportantschoolofficeandmakeupyourmindnot todevelopa“superioritycomplex.”You treateveryone thesame,includingthefriendlessandtheunpopular.•Yourbest friend justgot acceptedat thecollegeyouwanted togetinto.You didn’tmake it.Although you feel terrible about your ownsituation,youaregenuinelyhappyforyourfriend.•Youwanttogooutfordinner.Yourfriendwantstoseeamovie.Youjointlydecidetorentamovieandpickupfoodtoeatathome.

HowtoThinkWin-WinSohowdoyoudoit?Howcanyoubehappyforyourfriendwhenhejustgot

acceptedat college andyoudidn’t?Howcanyouavoid feeling inferior to thegirlnextdoorwhohasallthosegorgeousclothes?Howcanyoufindsolutionstoproblemssothatbothofyoucanwin?MightIsuggest twoclues:Win theprivatevictoryfirstandavoid the tumor

twins.

•WINTHEPRIVATEVICTORYFIRSTItallbeginswithyou.Ifyouareextremelyinsecureandhaven’tpaidtheprice

to win the private victory, it will be difficult to think Win-Win. You’ll bethreatenedbyotherpeople.It’llbehardtobehappyfortheirsuccesses.Itwillbedifficult to share recognitionorpraise. Insecurepeopleget jealousveryeasily.This conversation between Doug and his girlfriend is typical of an insecureperson:“Amy,whowastheguyyouweretalkingtojustnow?”asksDoug.“He’sjust

agoodfriendIgrewupwith,”saysAmy.“Idon’twantyouhangin’outwiththatguy,”rantsDoug.“Doug,he’sjustafriendI’veknownforalongtime.Wewenttoelementary

schooltogether.”“I don’t care how long you’ve known him. You shouldn’t be so friendly to

him.”“It’snobigdeal.He’shavingsomeproblemsandjustneedsafriend.”“Areyoucommittedtomeornot?”“OK,Doug.Ifthat’swhatyouwant,Iwon’ttalktohimanymore.”

CanyouseehowharditwouldbeforDougtobebigheartedinthissituationas longashe is insecureandemotionallydependentuponhisgirlfriend?Dougneeds to start with himself. As he makes deposits into his PBA, takesresponsibility forhis life,andgetsaplan inplace,hisconfidenceandsecuritywillincreaseandhe’llstartenjoyingotherpeopleinsteadofbeingthreatenedbythem.PersonalsecurityisthefoundationforthinkingWin-Win.

•AVOIDTHETUMORTWINSThere are two habits that, like tumors, can slowly eat you away from the

inside. They are twins and their names are competing and comparing. It’svirtuallyimpossibletothinkWin-Winwiththemaround.

CompetingCompetitioncanbeextremelyhealthy. Itdrivesus to improve, to reachand

stretch.Without it,wewouldneverknowhowfarwecouldpushourselves.Inthe businessworld, itmakes our economy prosper. The glory of theOlympicGamesisallaboutexcellenceandcompetition.But there isanotherside tocompetition that isn’t sonice. In themovieStar

Wars,LukeSkywalkerlearnsaboutapositiveenergyshieldcalled“theforce,”which gives life to all things. Later, Luke confronts the evilDarthVader andlearnsaboutthe“darkside”oftheforce.AsDarthputsit,“Youdon’tknowthepowerof thedarkside.”Soit iswithcompetition.Thereisasunnysideandadarkside,andbotharepowerful.Thedifferenceisthis:Competitionishealthywhen you compete against yourself, or when it challenges you to reach andstretchandbecomeyourbest.Competitionbecomesdarkwhenyoutieyourself-worthintowinningorwhenyouuseitasawaytoplaceyourselfaboveanother.

While reading a book called The Inner Game of Tennis by Tim Galwey, I

foundsomewordsthatsayitperfectly.WroteTim:

When competition is used as a means of creating a self-image relative toothers,theworstinapersoncomesout;thentheordinaryfearsandfrustrationsbecomegreatlyexaggerated.Itisasifsomebelievethatonlybybeingthebest,onlybybeingawinner,will theybeeligiblefortheloveandrespecttheyseek.Childrenwhohavebeentaughttomeasurethemselvesinthiswayoftenbecomeadultsdrivenbyacompulsiontosucceedwhichovershadowsallelse.

Afamouscollegecoachoncesaidthatthetwoworsttraitsanathletecanhaveareafearoffailureandaninordinatedesiretowin,orawin-at-any-costattitude.I’ll never forget an argument I hadwithmy younger brother after his team

beatmineinagameofsandvolleyball.“Ican’tbelieveyouguysbeatus,”Isaid.“What’s so unbelievable about that?” he replied. “You think you’re a better

athletethanme,don’tyou?”“IknowIam.Lookattheevidence.Iwentmuchfurtherthanyouinsports.”“Butyou’reusingyourownnarrowdefinitionofwhatanathleteis.Ifrankly

thinkthatI’mabetterathletebecauseIcanjumphigherandrunfaster.”“Bull!You’renotfasterthanme.Andwhatdoesjumpingandrunninghaveto

dowithitanyway?Icankickyourbuttineverysport.”“Ohyeah?”“Yeah!”Afterwecalmeddown,webothfelt like jerks.Wehadbeenseducedbythe

darkside.Andthedarksideneverleavesyouwithagoodaftertaste.Let’susecompetitionasabenchmarktomeasureourselvesagainst,but let’s

stopcompetingoverboyfriends,girlfriends,status,friends,popularity,positions,attention,andthelikeandstartenjoyinglife.

ComparingComparingiscompetition’stwin.Andjustascancerous.Comparingyourself

to others is nothing but bad news. Why? Because we’re all on differentdevelopment timetables. Socially, mentally, and physically. Since we all bakedifferently,weshouldn’tkeepopeningtheovendoortoseehowwellourcakeisrisingcomparedtoourneighbor’s,orourowncakewon’triseatall.Althoughsomeof us are like the poplar tree,which grows like aweed themoment it’splanted,othersarelikethebambootree,whichshowsnogrowthforfouryearsbutthengrowsninetyfeetinyearfive.Ionceheard itdescribed thisway:Life is likeagreatobstaclecourse.Each

person has their own course, separated from every other course by tall walls.Yourcoursecomescompletewithcustomizedobstaclesdesignedspecificallyforyourpersonalgrowth.Sowhatgooddoesitdotoclimbthewalltoseehowwellyourneighborisdoingortocheckouthisobstaclesincomparisontoyourown?Building your life based on how you stack up compared to others is never

goodfooting.IfIgetmysecurityfromthefactthatmyGPAishigherthanyoursormy friendsaremorepopular thanyours, thenwhathappenswhen someonecomesalongwithahigherGPAormorepopularfriends?Comparingourselvesmakesusfeellikeawaveoftheseatossedtoandfrobythewind.Wegoupanddown,feelinginferioronemomentandsuperiorthenext,confidentonemomentand intimidated the next. The only good comparison is comparing yourselfagainstyourownpotential.

IlovehownotedauthorPaulH.Dunnputitinaspeechentitled“OnFeelingInferior”:

Ihavenoticedthatdailywemeetmomentsthatstealourself-esteem.Theyare inevitable. Pick up any magazine; you see people who look healthier,skinnier, or better dressed than you are. Look around. There is alwayssomeone who seems smarter, another more self-assured, still another moretalented.In fact,eachdaywearereminded thatwe lackcertain talents, thatwemakemistakes,thatwedonotexcelinallthings.Andamidstallthis,itiseasytobelievethatwedonotquitemeasureupinthegreatschemeofthings,butareinferiorinsomesecretway.Ifyoubaseyourself-esteem,yourfeelingofself-worth,onanythingoutside

thequalityofyourheart,yourmind,oryoursoul,youhavebaseditonaveryshakyfooting.SoyouandIarenotperfectinformorphysicalfigure.SoyouandIarenottherichest,thewisest,thewittiest.Sowhat?

I once interviewed a girl named Anne, who got caught in the web ofcomparisonsforseveralyearsbeforemanagingtoescape.Shehasamessageforthosewhoarecaught:

MyproblemsbeganduringmyfreshmanyearwhenIenteredClaytonValleyHighSchool.Most of the kids inmyhigh school hadmoney.Andhow youdressedwas everything. The big questionwas:Who iswearingwhat today?Therewereevensomeunspokenrulesaboutclothes,suchasneverwear thesame thing twice and never wear the same thing as someone else. Brandnames and expensive jeanswere amust.Youhad tohave every color, everystyle.Duringmyfreshmanyear,Ihadaboyfriendwhowasa juniorandwhom

myparentsdidn’tlike.Ourrelationshipwasgoodatfirst,butafterawhile,hebegan tomakeme feel self-conscious.Hewould say things like,“Whycan’tyoulooklikeher?”“Howcomeyou’resofat?”“Ifyoujustchangedalittlebit

you’dbejustright.”I began to believe my boyfriend. I started looking at other girls and

analyzingallthereasonsIwasn’tasgoodasthem.EventhoughIhadaclosetfull of clothes, I rememberhavinganxietyattacksbecause I couldn’t decidewhattowear.IevenbeganshopliftingbecauseIwantedtohavethelatestandbest clothes. After awhile, who Iwas hinged uponwho Iwaswith, what Ilookedlike,andwhatkindofclothesIhadon.Ineverfeltgoodenough,foranyone.Tocope,Istartedtobingeandpurge.Theeatinggavemecomfortandthe

purginggavemesomestrangeformofcontrol.AlthoughIwasn’tfat,Iwassoscaredofbeingfat.Itsoonbecameabigpartofmylife.Istartedthrowingupthirty to forty times a day. I would do it at school, in the bathrooms, andanywhereelseIcouldfind.ItwasmysecretIcouldn’ttellmyparentsbecauseIdidn’twanttoletthemdown.Irememberbeingaskedbythepopulargrouponetimetogotothefootball

game.Theyweresixteen,oneyearolderthanme.Iwassoexcited!MymomandIworkedandworkedtofindmetheperfectoutfit.Iwaitedbythewindowforhours,buttheynevercametopickmeup.Ifeltsoworthless.Ithought,“Iwasn’tpickedupbecauseIwasn’tcoolenoughordidn’thavetherightlook.”Finally,itallcametoahead.WhileIwasonstageperforminginaplay,I

suddenlybecametotallydisorientedandpassedout.Wakingupinthedressingroom,Ifoundmymomatmyside.“Ineedhelp,”Iwhispered.AdmittingthatIhadaproblemwasthefirststeptomyrecovery,whichtook

severalyears.Lookingbacknow,Ican’tbelieveIgotmyselfintothatstateofmind.IhadeverythingIneeded tobehappyyetIwassomiserable. Iwasacute, talented, skinnygirlwhogotcaughtup inaworldofcomparisonsandwasmade to feelnotgoodenough. Iwant to shoutout to theworld:“Don’teverdothistoyourself.It’snotworthit.”Thekeytomyrecoverywasmeetingsomereallyspecialfriendswhomade

mefeelthatImatteredbecauseofwhoIwasandnotwhatIwore.Theytoldme, “You don’t need this. You are better than that.” I began to change formyself,notbecausesomeoneelsetoldmethatIhadtochangetobeworthyoftheirlove.

The pearl of wisdom from the story is: Stop doing it. Break the habit.Comparingyourselfcanbecomeanaddictionasstrongasdrugsoralcohol.You

don’thavetolooklikeordresslikeamodeltobegoodenough.Youknowwhatreallymatters.Don’tgetcaughtupinthegameandworrysomuchaboutbeingpopularduringyourteenyears,becausemostoflifecomesafter.(PleaseseetheEatingDisorderHotlinesandWebsitesinthebackofthisbook.)

•THEFRUITSOFTHEWIN-WINSPIRITI’ve learned never to underestimate what can happen when someone

thinksWin-Win.ThiswasAndy’sexperience:

At first I could see no point toWin-Win. But I started applying it inmyafter-schooljobs,andIwasjustblownaway.Ihaveuseditnowfortwoyearsandit’shonestlyscaryhowpowerfulthishabitis—IwishIhadknownaboutitmuchsoonerinmylife.It’staughtmetoexercisemyleadershipabilityandtoapproachmyjobwithanattitudeof“let’smakethisjobmorefun.Let’smakeit a win for both me and my employer.” I now sit down with my managermonthlyandtellherall thelittle thingsIcanseeinthecompanythataren’tgettingdonethatIamwillingtodo.Thelasttimewemetshesaidtome,“Ihavealwayswonderedhowwecould

getall these little looseendsdone. Iamso impressedwithhowyou look foropportunitiesandaresowillingtoperform.”Andthenshegavemeadollaranhourraise.

Believeme,thisWin-Winstuffiscontagious.Ifyou’rebighearted,committedtohelpingotherssucceed,andwilling tosharerecognition,you’llbeamagnetforfriends.Thinkaboutit.Don’tyoujustlovepeoplewhoareinterestedinyoursuccessandwantyoutowin?Itmakesyouwanttohelptheminreturn,doesn’tit?TheWin-Winspiritcanbeappliedtojustaboutanysituation,fromworking

out major conflicts with your parents to deciding who walks the dog, as Jonsharedbelow.

MysisterandIarealwaysarguingaboutwhohastowalkthedogsanddothe dishes. We both would choose the dogs over the dishes any day. Butsomeone has to do one or the other. So we decided that I would wash thedishes,shewoulddrythem,andthenwe’dwalkthedogstogether.I’mgladitworkedoutlikethat,becausenowwegetwhatneedstobedonefinishedbutalsoaddalittlefuntoitbydoingittogether.

Sometimes,nomatterhowhardyoutry,youwon’tbeabletofindaWin-Winsolution.Or the other partymay be so bent onWin-Lose that you don’t even

want to approachhimorher.Thathappens. In these situations,don’t getuglyyourself(Win-Lose)orgetsteppedon(Lose-Win).Instead,goforWin-WinorNoDeal.Inotherwords,ifyoucan’tfindasolutionthatworksforbothofyou,decidenot toplay.NoDeal.For example, if youandyour friendcan’tdecidewhattodoonenight,insteadofdoinganactivitythatoneofyoumightresent,splitupthatnightandgettogetheranothernight.Orifyouandyourgirlfriendorboyfriendcan’tdevelopaWin-Win relationship, itmightbebest togo forNoDealandpartways.ItsurebeatsgoingforWin-Lose,Lose-Win,or,worstofall,Lose-Lose.A fifteen-year-old named Bryan, who was taught Win-Win by his father,

sharedthisinterestingstory:

Last year, my friend Steve and I wanted to make some money duringsummerbreak.Sowestartedawindowwashingandlawncarebusiness.WethoughtGreenandCleanwaskindofacoolnametouseforourbusiness.Steve’s parents had a friendwhoneededhiswindowswashed, and before

toolongthewordspreadandwegotafewjobs.Weusedaprogramonmydad’scomputer tomakea little sheetwecalla

Win-Win agreement. When we get to the house we go around and get thewindowmeasurements andwrite downan estimate.Wemake it totally clearthat they are going to get cleanwindows for a set price. There is a line forthemtosignon.Ifwedon’tperformwell,weknowwewon’tgethiredback.Afterwearedone,wewalk themaroundandshowthemourwork.Wewantthem to know we’re accountable. It puts us on a better footing with thecustomer.WehavealittleGreenandCleanfund.Oncewestartedmakingmoney,we

splitthemoneyandthenputsomeasidetobuywindowwashingequipment.Aslong as our customers are happy, and they get clean windows, they arewinning. We win, because at fifteen, it’s a way for us to make some extramoney.

WatchHowItMakesYouFeelDeveloping a Win-Win attitude is not easy. But you can do it. If you’re

thinkingWin-Win only 10 percent of the time right now, start thinking it 20percent of the time, then 30 percent, and so on. Eventually, it will become amentalhabit,andyouwon’tevenhavetothinkabout.Itwillbecomepartofwhoyouare.PerhapsthemostsurprisingbenefitofthinkingWin-Winisthegoodfeelings

it brings on. One of my favorite stories that illustrates the power of thinkingWin-WinisthetruestoryofJacquesLusseyranastoldinhisautobiographyAndThereWasLight. The editors ofPARABOLAmagazine,whowrote the book’sforeword,summarizeLusseyran’sstorythisway:“Born in Paris in 1924, [Jacques] was fifteen at the time of the German

occupation, and at sixteen he had formed and was heading an undergroundresistancemovement…which from a beginning of fifty-twoboys…within ayearhadgrowntosixhundred.Thiswouldseemremarkableenough,butaddtoitthefactthatfromtheageofeight,Jacqueshadbeentotallyblind.”Althoughtotallyblind,Jacquescouldsee,inadifferentway.Asheputit:“I

sawlightandwentonseeingit thoughIwasblind…Icouldfeel lightrising,spreading,restingonobjects,givingthemform,thenleavingthem…Ilivedinastreamoflight.”Hecalledthisstreamoflightthathelivedin“mysecret.”Yet there were times when Jacques’ light would leave him and he became

cloudy.ItwaswheneverhethoughtWin-Lose.Asheputit:“WhenIwasplayingwithmysmallcompanions,ifIsuddenlygrewanxious

towin,tobethefirstatallcosts,thenallatonceIcouldseenothing.LiterallyIwentintofogorsmoke.“I could no longer afford to be jealous or unfriendly, because, as soon as I

was,abandagecamedownovermyeyes,andIwasboundhandandfootandcast aside. All at once a black hole opened, and I was helpless inside it. ButwhenIwashappyandserene,approachedpeoplewithconfidenceand thoughtwellofthem,Iwasrewardedwithlight.SoisitsurprisingthatIlearnedtolovefriendshipandharmonywhenIwasveryyoung.”The true test of whether or not you are thinking Win-Win or one of the

alternatives ishowyou feel.Win-LoseandLose-Win thinkingwill cloudyourjudgmentandfillyouwithnegativefeelings.Yousimplycannotaffordtodoit.On theotherhand, justasJacquesdiscovered, thinkingWin-Winwill fillyourheartwithhappyandserenethoughts.Itwillgiveyouconfidence.Evenfillyouwithlight.

COMINGATTRACTIONS

Intheupcomingchapter,I’llsharethesecrettogettingunderyourparents’skinsinapositiveway.Sodon’tstopnow!

BABYSTEPS1 Pinpoint the area of your life where you most struggle withcomparisons. Perhaps it’s with clothes, physical features, friends, ortalents.

WhereI’mstrugglingmostwithcomparisons:

2Ifyouplay sports, showsportsmanship.Compliment someone fromtheopposingteamafterthematchorgame.3. If someone owes you money, don’t be afraid to mention it in afriendlyway. “Did you forget about that ten bucks I loaned you lastweek?Icoulduseitrightnow.”ThinkWin-Win,notLose-Win.

4Without caring whether you win or lose, play a card, board, orcomputergamewithothersjustforthefunofit.5Doyouhavean importanttestcomingupsoon?Ifso, formastudygroupandshareyourbestideaswitheachother.You’llalldobetter.6.Thenexttimesomeoneclosetoyousucceeds,begenuinelyhappyfortheminsteadoffeelingthreatened.

7Think about your general attitude toward life. Is it based onWin-Lose,Lose-Win,Lose-Lose,orWin-Winthinking?Howisthatattitudeaffectingyou?8Think of a personwho you feel is amodel ofWin-Win.What is itaboutthispersonyouadmire?

Person:_____________________________________

WhatIadmireaboutthem:________________________________________________________________

9Are you in aLose-Win relationshipwith amember of the oppositesex?Ifyouare,thendecidewhatmusthappentomakeitaWinforyouorchoosetogoforNoDealandgetoutoftherelationship.

BeforeIcanwalk‘nanother’sshoes,Imustfirstremoverayown.UNKNOWN

Let’ssayyougointoashoestoretobuyanewpairofshoes.Thesalesclerkasks,“Whatkindofshoesareyoulookingfor?”“Well,I’mlookingforsomethingthat…”“I thinkIknowwhatyou’d like,”he interrupts.“Everyone iswearing these.

Trustme.”Herushesoffandcomesbackwiththeugliestpairofshoesyou’veeverseen.

“Justtakealookatthesebabies,”hesays.

“ButIreallydon’tlikethem.”“Everyonelikesthem.They’rethehottestthinggoingrightnow.”“I’mlookingforsomethingdifferent.”“Ipromiseyou.You’lllovethem.”“ButI…”“Listen.I’vebeensellingshoesfortenyearsandIknowagoodshoewhenI

seeit.”After this experience, would you ever want to go to that store again?

Definitely not. You can’t trust people who give you solutions before theyunderstandwhatyourneeds are.Butdidyouknow thatweoftendo the samethingwhenwecommunicate?“Hey,Melissa, how’s it goin’?You look really depressed. Is something the

matter?”“You wouldn’t understand, Colleen. You’d think it was stupid.” “No, I

wouldn’t.Tellmewhat’sgoingon.I’mallears.”“Oh,Idon’tknow.”“C’mon.Youcantellme.”“Well,okay…uuhm…thingsjustaren’t thesamebetweenTyroneandme

anymore.”“Itoldyounottogetinvolvedwithhim.Ijustknewthiswouldhappen.”“Tyrone’snottheproblem.”“Listen,Melissa,ifIwereyou,I’djustforgetabouthimandmoveon.”“But,Colleen,that’snothowIfeel.”“Believeme. Iknowhowyoufeel. Iwent through thesame thing lastyear.

Don’tyouremember?Itpracticallyruinedmyentireyear.”“Justforgetit,Colleen.”

“Melissa,I’monlytryingtohelp.Ireallywanttounderstand.Now,goon.Tellmehowyoufeel.”

It’s our tendency towant to swoopout of the sky likeSuperman and solveeveryone’sproblemsbeforeweevenunderstandwhattheproblemis.Wesimplydon’t listen.As theAmerican Indianproverbgoes, “Listen,or thy tonguewillmaketheedeaf.”Thekey tocommunicationandhavingpowerand influencewithpeoplecan

besummedupinonesentence:Seekfirsttounderstand,thentobeunderstood.Inotherwords,listenfirst,talksecond.ThisisHabit5,anditworks.Ifyoucanlearn this simple habit—to see things from another’s point of view beforesharingyourown—awholenewworldofunderstandingwill beopenedup toyou.

TheDeepestNeedoftheHumanHeartWhyisthishabitthekeytocommunication?It’sbecausethedeepestneedof

humanheartistobeunderstood.Everyonewantstoberespectedandvaluedforwho they are—a unique, one-of-a-kind, never-to-be-cloned (at least for now)individual.People won’t expose their soft middles unless they feel genuine love and

understanding.Oncetheyfeelit,however,theywilltellyoumorethanyoumaywanttohear.Thefollowingstoryaboutagirlwithaneatingdisordershowsthepowerofunderstanding:

IwasaprofessionalanorexicbythetimeImetJulie,Pam,andLavon,mycollege roommatesmy freshmanyear. Ihad spentmy last twoyearsofhighschoolconcentratingonexercising,dieting,andtriumphingineveryounceIlost.Ateighteenyearsoldandfivefooteight,Iweighedinatabreezyninety-fivepounds,atallpileofbones.Ididn’thavemanyfriends.Constantdeprivationhadleftmeirritable,bitter,

and so tired I couldn’t carry on casual conversations. School social eventswereoutofthequestiontoo.Ididn’tfeellikeIhadanythingincommonwithanyof thekidsIknew.Ahandfulof loyalfriendsreallystuckitoutwithmeandtriedtohelp,butItunedouttheirpreachylecturesaboutmyweightandchalkedituptojealousy.My parents bribed me with new wardrobes. They badgered me and

demandedthatIeatinfrontofthem.WhenIwouldn’t,theydraggedmeofftoaseriesofdoctors, therapists,andspecialists.Iwasmiserableandconvincedmywholelifewasgoingtobethatway.ThenImovedawaytoattendcollege.Theluckofthedrawsettledmeintoa

dormitorywithJulie,Pam,andLavon,thethreegirlswhomademylifeworthlivingagain.We lived in a tiny cinderblock apartment, where all my strange eating

patternsandexercisingneuroseswererightoutintheopen.Iknowtheymusthave thought I looked strangewithmy sallowcomplexion, bruises, thinninghair, and jutting hips and collarbones. When I see pictures of myself ateighteen,I’mhorrifiedathowterribleIlooked.Buttheyweren’t.Theydidn’ttreatmelikeapersonwithaproblem.There

were no lectures, no force feeding, no gossiping, no browbeating. I almostdidn’tknowwhattodo.Almost immediately, I felt like one of them, except that I didn’t eat. We

attended classes together, found jobs, jogged in the evenings, watchedtelevision, and hung out on Saturdays.My anorexia, for once, was not thecentral topic. Instead, we spent long nights discussing our families, ourambitions,ouruncertainties.I was absolutely amazed by our similarities. For the first time in literally

years,Ifeltunderstood.Ifeltlikesomeonehadtakenthetimetounderstandmeasapersoninsteadofalwaystryingtofixmyproblemfirst.Tothesethreegirls,Iwasn’tananorexicneedingtreatment.Iwasjustthefourthgirl.

Asmysenseofbelonginggrew, Ibegan towatch them.Theywerehappy,attractive,smart,andoccasionallytheyatecookiedoughrightoutofthebowl.IfIhadsomuchincommonwiththem,whycouldn’tIeatthreemealsadaytoo?Pam,Julie,andLavonnevertoldmehowtohealmyself.Theyshowedme

everyday,andtheyreallyworkedtounderstandmebeforetryingtocureme.Bytheendofmyfirstsemesterincollege,theyweresettingaplaceformeatdinner.AndIfeltwelcome.

Think of the influence these three girls had on the fourth girl because theytried tounderstandher insteadof judgingher. Isn’t it interesting thatonce shefeltunderstoodandnotjudged,sheimmediatelydroppedherdefensesandwasopen to their influence?Contrast thatwithwhatmighthavehappenedhadherroommatesturnedpreachyonher.Haveyoueverheardthesaying“Peopledon’tcarehowmuchyouknowuntil

theyknowhowmuchyoucare”?Howtrue it is.Thinkaboutasituationwhensomeonedidn’t take the time tounderstandor listen toyou.Wereyouopen towhattheyhadtosay?WhileplayingcollegefootballIdevelopedsomeseverearmpaininmybicep

for a time. It was a complex condition and I had tried a number of differenttechniques to fix it—ice,heat,massage, liftingweights, andanti-inflammatorypills—butnothingworked.So Iwent toseeoneofourmoreseasonedathletictrainersforhelp.BeforeIhaddescribedmycondition,however,hesaidtome,“I’ve seen this thing before. This is what you need to do.” I tried to explainmore, but he was already convinced he knew the problem. I felt like saying,“Whataminute.Hearmeout,Doc.Idon’tthinkyouunderstand.”Asyoumighthaveguessed,histechniquesactuallymademyarmhurtworse.

Heneverlistened,andIneverfeltunderstood.Ilostconfidenceinhisadviceandavoided him at all costs whenever I had an injury. I had no faith in hisprescriptions, because he never diagnosed. I didn’t care how much he knew,becausehehadn’tshownmethathecared.Youcanshowyoucareby simply taking time to listenwithout judgingand

withoutgivingadvice.Thisshortpoemcaptureshowbadlypeoplejustwanttobelistenedto:

PLEASELISTEN

WhenIaskyoutolistentomeandyoustartgivingmeadvice,youhavenotdonewhatIasked.WhenIaskyoutolistentomeandyoubegintotellmewhyIshouldn'tfeelthatway,

youaretramplingonmyfeelings.WhenIaskyoutolistentome

andyoufeelyouhavetodosomethingtosolvemyproblem,youhavefailedme,

strangeasthatmayseem.Listen!AllIaskisthatyoulisten.Don’ttalkordojusthearme.

•FIVEPOORLISTENINGSTYLESTounderstandsomeoneyoumustlistentothem.Surprise!Theproblem

isthatmostofusdon’tknowhowtolisten.Imaginethis.You’retryingtodecidewhatclassestotakenextyear.Youopen

upyourclassscheduleandlookatwhat’savailable.“Hmmm … Let me see … Geometry. Creative writing. Beginning speech.

Englishliterature.Listening.Waitaminute.Listening?Aclassonlistening?Isthisajoke?”Thiswouldbequiteasurprise,wouldn’tit?Butitreallyshouldn’tbe,because

listeningisoneofthefourprimaryformsofcommunication,alongwithreading,writing,andspeaking.Andifyouthinkaboutit,sincebirthyou’vebeentakingclassesonhowtoread,write,andspeakbetter,butwhenhaveyouevertakena

classonhowtolistenbetter?Whenpeopletalkweseldomlistenbecausewe’reusuallytoobusypreparing

aresponse,judging,orfilteringtheirwordsthroughourownparadigms.It’ssotypicalofustouseoneofthesefivepoorlisteningstyles:

FivePoorListeningStyles•Spacingout•Pretendlistening•Selectivelistening•Wordlistening•Self-centeredlistening

Spacingoutiswhensomeoneistalkingtousbutweignorethembecauseourmind is wandering off in another galaxy. They may have something veryimportanttosay,butwe’recaughtupinourownthoughts.Weallspaceoutfromtimetotime,butdoittoomuchandyou’llgetareputationforbeing“outofit.”Pretend listening ismore common.We still aren’t payingmuch attention to

theotherperson,butatleastwepretendwearebymakinginsightfulcommentsatkeyjunctures,suchas“yeah,”“uhhuh,”“cool,”“soundsgreat.”Thespeakerwillusuallygetthehintandwillfeelthatheorsheisnotimportantenoughtobeheard.

Selective listening is where we pay attention only to the part of theconversationthatinterestsus.Forexample,yourfriendmaybetryingtotellyouhowitfeelstobeintheshadowofhistalentedbrotherinthearmy.Allyouhearistheword“army”andsay,“Ohyeah,thearmy!I’vebeenthinkingalotaboutitlately.”Sinceyou’llalways talkaboutwhatyouwant to talk about, insteadofwhat the other person wants to talk about, chances are you’ll never developlastingfriendships.Word listening occurs when we actually pay attention to what someone is

saying,butwelistenonlytothewords,nottothebodylanguage,thefeelings,orthe truemeaning behind thewords.As a result,wemiss out onwhat’s reallybeingsaid.YourfriendKimmightsaytoyou,“WhatdoyouthinkofRonaldo?”Youmightreply,“Ithinkhe’sprettycool.”Butifyouhadbeenmoresensitive,andlistenedtoherbodylanguageandtoneofvoice,youwouldhaveheardthatshewasreallysaying,“DoyouthinkRonaldolikesme?”Ifyoufocusonwordsonly,you’llseldombeintouchwiththedeeperemotionsofpeople’shearts.Self-centeredlisteninghappenswhenweseeeverythingfromourownpointof

view.Insteadofstandinginanother’sshoes,wewantthemtostandinours.Thisiswheresentenceslike“Oh,Iknowexactlyhowyoufeel”comefrom.Wedon’tknowexactlyhowtheyfeel,weknowexactlyhowwefeel,andweassumetheyfeelthesamewaywedo,liketheshoesalesmanwhothinksthatyoushouldliketheshoesbecausehelikesthem.Self-centeredlisteningisoftenagameofone-upmanship, where we try to one-up each other, as if conversations were acompetition.“Youthinkyourdaywasbad?That’snothin’.Youshouldhearwhat

happenedtome.”Whenwelistenfromourpointofview,weusuallyreplyinoneofthreeways,

allofwhichmaketheotherpersonimmediatelycloseup.Wejudge,weadvise,andweprobe.Let’stakealookateach.Judging.Sometimes,aswelistentoothers,wemakejudgments(intheback

of our minds) about them and what they’re saying. If you’re busy judging,you’renotreallylistening,areyou?Peopledon’twanttobejudged,theywanttobeheard. In the conversationbelow,noticehow little listening andhowmuchjudging is going on in themind of the listener. (The listener’s judgments areenclosedinparentheses.)

Peter:IhadagreattimewithKatherinelastnight.Karl:Oh, that’s nice. (Katherine? Why would you want to go out withKatherine?)Peter:Ihadnoideahowgreatsheis.Karl:Oh,yeah?(Hereyougoagain.Youthinkeverygirlisgreat.)Peter:Yeah.I’mthinkingaboutaskinghertotheprom!Karl: I thought youweregoing toaskJessica. (Areyoucrazy?Jessica ismuchbetterlookingthanKatherine.)Peter:Iwas.ButIthinkI’llaskKatherinenow.Karl:Well,askheroutthen.(I’msureyou’llchangeyourmindtomorrow.)

Karlwas so busy judging that he didn’t hear aword Peterwas saying andmissedoutonanopportunitytomakeadepositintoPeter’sRBA.Advising.Thisiswhenwegiveadvicedrawnfromourownexperience.This

isthewhen-I-was-your-agespeechyouoftengetfromyourelders.Anemotionalsisterwhoneedsalisteningearsaystoherbrother:“I don’t like our new school at all. Ever sincewemoved I’ve felt like the

biggestoutcast.IwishIcouldfindsomenewfriends.”Insteadof listening tounderstand, thebrother reflectsuponhisownlifeand

says:“Youneed tostartmeetingnewpeopleandget involved insportsandclubs

likeIdid.”

Littlesisterdidn’twantanyadvicefromawell-intentionedbrother,nomatterhowgooditwas.Shejustwantedtobelistenedto,forheaven’ssake.Onceshefeltunderstood,onlythenwouldshebeopentohisadvice.Bigbrotherblewabigchanceforabigdeposit.Probing.Probingoccurswhenyou try todigupemotionsbeforepeopleare

readytoshare them.Haveyoueverbeenprobed?Parentsdoit to teensall thetime.Yourmom,witheverygoodintention,triestofindoutwhat’sgoingoninyourlife.Butsinceyou’renotreadytotalk,herattemptsfeelintrusive,andsoyoushutherout.“Hi,honeyHowwasschooltoday?”“Fine.”“Howdidyoudoonyourtest?”“OK.”“Howareyourfriends?”“Good.”“Doyouhaveanyplanstonight?”“Notreally.”“Haveyoubeenseeinganycutegirlslately?”“No,Mom.Justleavemealone.”No one likes to be interrogated. If you’re asking a lot of questions and not

gettingveryfar,you’reprobablyprobing.Sometimespeoplejustaren’tpreparedtoopenupanddon’tfeel liketalking.Learntobeagreat listenerandofferanopenearwhenthetimeisright.

•GENUINELISTENINGLuckily,youandIneverexhibitanyof thesefivepoor listeningstyles.

Right?Well,maybe justoccasionally.There isahigher formof listening,

fortunately, which leads to real communication. We call it “genuinelistening.”And it’s the kindof practicewewant to put to use.But to dogenuinelistening,youneedtodothreethingsdifferently.

First,listenwithyoureyes,heart,andears.Listeningwithjustyourearsisn’tgood enough, because only 7 percent of communication is contained in thewordsweuse.Therestcomesfrombodylanguage(53percent)andhowwesaywords,orthetoneandfeelingreflectedinourvoice(40percent).Forexample,notice how you can change themeaning of a sentence just by emphasizing adifferentword.

Ididn’tsayyouhadanattitudeproblem.Ididn’tsayyouhadanattitudeproblem.Ididn’tsayyouhadanattitudeproblem.Tohearwhatotherpeopleare reallysaying,youneed to listen towhat they

arenot saying. No matter how hard people may appear on the surface, mosteveryone is tender inside and has a desperate need to be understood. Thefollowingpoem(oneofmyall-timefavorites)capturesthisneed.

PLEASE…HEARWHATI’MNOTSAYINGDon’tbefooledbyme.Don’tbefooledbythemaskIwear.ForIwearamask,

Iwearathousandmasks,masksthatI’mafraidtotakeoff,andnoneofthemisme.Pretendingisanartthatissecondnaturewithme,butdon’tbefooled.…Igive the impression that I’msecure, thatall is sunnyandunruffledwith

me,withinaswellaswithout; that confidence ismynameandcoolness ismygame;thatthewatersarecalmandthatI’mincommandandIneednoone.Butdon’tbelieveit;pleasedon’t.Iidlychatterwithyouinthesuavetonesofsurfacetalk.Itellyoueverything

that’s really nothing, nothing of what’s crying within me. So when I’m goingthroughmy routine, don’t befooledbywhat I’m saying.Please listen carefullyand try tohearwhatI’mnotsaying;whatI’d like tobeable tosay;what, forsurvival,IneedtosaybutIcan’tsay.Idislikethehiding.HonestlyIdo.IdislikethesuperficialphonygamesI’mplaying.I’dreallyliketobegenuine,spontaneous,andme;butyouhavetohelpme.

Youhavetohelpmebyholdingoutyourhand,evenwhenthat’sthelastthingIseemtowantorneed.Eachtimeyouarekindandgentleandencouraging,eachtime you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to growwings.Verysmallwings.Veryfeeblewings.Butwings.Withyoursensitivityandsympathyandyourpowerofunderstanding,Icanmakeit.Youcanbreathelifeintome. Itwill not be easy for you.A long convictionofworthlessness buildsstrongwalls.But love is stronger than strongwalls, and therein liesmyhope.Pleasetrytobeatdownthosewallswithfirmhands,butwithgentlehands,forachildisverysensitive,andIamachild.WhoamI,youmaywonder.ForIameveryman,everywoman,everychild…

everyhumanyoumeet.

Second,standintheirshoes.Tobecomeagenuinelistener,youneedtotakeoffyourshoesandstandinanother’s.InthewordsofRobertByrne,“Untilyouwalkamileinanotherman’smoccasinsyoucan’timaginethesmell.”Youmusttrytoseetheworldastheyseeitandtrytofeelastheyfeel.Let’s pretend for amoment that everyone in theworldwears tinted glasses

andthatnotwoshadesareexactlyalike.YouandIarestandingonthebanksofariver.Iamwearinggreenlensesandyouarewearingred.“Wow,lookhowgreenthewateris,”Isay.“Green?Areyoucrazy,thewaterisred,”youreply.“Hello.Areyoucolorblind?That’sasgreenasgreengets.”“It’sred,youidiot!”“Green!”“Red!”Many people look at conversations as a competition. It’smy point of view

versusyours;wecan’tbothberight.Inreality,sincewe’rebothcomingfromadifferent point of view, we both can be. Furthermore, it’s silly to try towinconversations. That usually ends up in Win-Lose or Lose-Lose and is a

withdrawalfromtheRBA.MylittlesisterwasoncetoldthisstorybyafriendofhersnamedToby.Notice

whatadifferencestandinginanother’sshoesmade:

Theworst part about going to schoolwas having to ride the bus. Imeanmostofmyfriendshadacartodrive(evenifitwasajunkie)butwecouldn’taffordacarformyownpersonaluse,soIhadtoeithertakethebusorfindaride.SometimesIwouldcallmymomafterschooltocomeandpickmeup,butshewouldtakesolongitdrovemecrazy.Iremembermanytimesscreamingatmymom,“Whattookyouforever?Don’tyouevencarethatI’vebeenwaitingfor hours?!” I never noticed how she felt orwhat she’d been doing. I onlythoughtaboutmyself.Oneday I overheardmymom talking tomydadabout it. Shewas crying

andsaidhowmuchshewishedtheycouldaffordacarformeandhowhardshehadbeenworkingtotrytoearntheextramoney.Suddenlymywhole perspective changed. I sawmymomas a real person

withfeelings—fear,hopes,doubts,andagreatamountofloveforme.Ivowednevertotreatherbadagain.Ievenstartedtalkingmoretoher,andtogetherwefiguredoutawayIcouldgetapart-timejobandearnmywaytoacar.Sheevenvolunteered todriveme toworkandback. Iwish Ihad listened toherearlier.

Third, practice mirroring. Think like a mirror. What does a mirror do? Itdoesn’tjudge.Itdoesn’tgiveadvice.Itreflects.Mirroringissimplythis:Repeatbackinyourownwordswhattheotherpersonissayingandfeeling.Mirroringisn’tmimicking.Mimicking iswhenyou repeat exactlywhat the other person

says,likeaparrot:“Geez,Tom.I’mhavingtheworsttimeinschoolrightnow.”“You’rehaving

theworsttimeinschoolrightnow.”“I’mpracticallyflunkingallofmyclasses.”“You’repracticallyflunkingallofyourclasses.”“Man,stopsayingeverythingI’msaying.Whatisitwithyou?”Mirroringis

differentfrommimickinginthefollowingways:

Let’stakealookataneverydayconversationtoseehowmirroringworks.Your dadmight say to you: “No!You can’t take the car tonight, Son.And

that’sfinal.”Atypicalseek-first-to-talkresponsemightbe:“Youneverletmetakethecar.I

alwayshavetogetaride.AndI’msickofit.”This kind of response usually ends up in a big yellingmatchwhere neither

sidefeelsverygoodafterward.Instead,trymirroring.Repeatbackinyourownwordswhattheotherperson

issayingandfeeling.Let’stryitagain.“No!Youcan’ttakethecartonight,Son.Andthat’sfinal.”“Icanseethatyou’reupsetaboutthis,Dad.”“YoubetI’mupset.Thewayyourgradeshavebeendroppinglately,youdon’t

deservethecar.”“You’reworriedaboutmygrades.”“Iam.YouknowhowbadlyIwantyoutogetintocollege.”“Collegeisreally

importanttoyou,isn’tit?”“Ineverhad thechance togo tocollege.AndI’veneverbeenable tomake

muchbecauseofit.Iknowmoney’snoteverything,butitsurewouldhelprightnow.Ijustwantabetterlifeforyou.”“Isee.”“Youaresocapable that it justdrivesmecrazywhenyoudon’t takeschool

seriously. I guess you can take the car if you promise me you’ll do yourhomeworklatertonight.That’sallI’masking.Promise?”Didyounoticewhathappened?Bypracticingtheskillofmirroring, theboy

wasabletouncovertherealissue.Daddidn’tcaresomuchabouthimtakingthecar; he was more worried about his future and his casualness toward school.Oncehefelt thathissonunderstoodhowimportantgradesandcollegeweretohim,hedroppedhisdefenses.Ican’tguaranteethatmirroringwillalwaysleadtosuchperfectoutcomes.It’s

usually, but not always, more complicated than this. Dadmight have replied,“I’m glad you understand where I’m coming from, Son. Now go do yourhomework.”ButIcanguaranteethatmirroringwillbeadeposit intoanother’sRBA and that you’ll get further than you’d get using the “fight or flight”approach.Ifyou’restillaskeptic,Ichallengeyoutogiveitatry.Ithinkyou’llbepleasantlysurprised.Disclaimer. If you practice mirroring but don’t really desire to understand

others,theywillseethroughitandfeelmanipulated.Mirroringisaskill,thetipoftheiceberg.Yourattitudeordesiretoreallyunderstandanotheristhelurkingmassof iceunderneaththesurface.Ifyourattitude is rightbutyoudon’thavetheskill,you’llbeokayButitdoesn’tworktheotherwayaround.Ifyouhaveboththeattitudeandtheskill,you’llbecomeapowerfulcommunicator!

Hereareafewmirroringphrasesyoucanusewhentryingtopracticegenuinelistening. Remember, your goal is to repeat back in your own words whatanotherpersonissayingandfeeling.

Listen,orthytonguewillmaketheedeaf

NATIVEAMERICANPROVERB

MirroringPhrases•“AsIgetit,youfeltthat…”•“So,asIseeit…”•“Icanseethatyou’refeeling…”•“Youfeelthat…”•“So,whatyou’resayingis…”

Importantnote:Thereisatimeandaplaceforgenuinelistening.You’llwanttodoitwhenyou’retalkingaboutanimportantorsensitiveissue,likeifafriendreallyneedshelporifyou’rehavingacommunicationproblemwithalovedone.These conversations take time and you can’t rush them. However, you don’tneedtodoitduringcasualconversationsoreverydaysmalltalk:“Man,where’sthebathroom?Igottagorealbad.”“Sowhatyou’resayingisyou’reworriedyouwon’tfindabathroomintime.”

GenuineListeninginActionLet’s take another look at the sisterwho needs a listening ear fromher big

brothertoillustratehowdifferentgenuinelisteningis.Sistersays,“Idon’tlikeournewschoolatall.EversincewemovedI’vefelt

likethebiggestoutcast.IwishIcouldfindsomenewfriends.”The brother could use any one of the following responses: “Pass the

Cheetos?”(Spacingout)“Soundsgreat.”(Pretendlistening)“Speakingoffriends,myfriendBart…”(Selectivelistening)“Whatyouneed

todoisstartmeetingnewpeople.”(Advising)“You’renottryinghardenough.”(Judging)“Areyouhavingtroublewithyourgrades?”(Probing)Butifbigbroissmart,he’lltrymirroring:“Youfeelthatschool’skindoftoughrightnow.”(Mirroring)“It’s theworst. ImeanIdon’thaveanyfriends.AndthatTabathaJoneshas

beensorudetome.Oh,Ijustdon’tknowwhattodo.”“Youfeelconfused.”(Mirroring)“Sure do. I’ve always been popular and then suddenly no one knows my

name. I’ve been trying to get to know people, but it doesn’t seem to beworking.”“Icanseeyou’refrustrated.”(Mirroring)“Yeah. I probably sound like I’mpsychoor something.Anyway, thanks for

listening.”“Noproblem.”“WhatdoyouthinkIshoulddo?”By listening, big brother made a huge deposit into his sister’s RBA. In

addition,littlesisterisnowopentohisadvice.Thetimeisnowrightforhimtoseektobeunderstood,tosharehispointofview.AguynamedAndysharedthis:

Iwas going through communication problemswithmygirlfriendwhom Icaredverymuchabout.Wehadbeengoingoutforayearandwehadbeguntofight and argue a lot, and I was really scared to maybe lose her. When Ilearnedaboutseekingfirsttounderstandandthentobeunderstood,andhowtoapplytherelationshipbankaccounttorelationships,Itookitverypersonal.IrealizedthatIalwayshadbeentryingtointerpretwhatshewassaying,butneverreallylistenedwithanopenmind.Itsavedourrelationshipandwearestilltogethertwoyearslater.OurrelationshipismuchmorematurethanmostcouplesbecausewebothbelieveinHabit5.Weuseitforbigdecisionsaswellas little ones like going out to dinner. Every time I am together with her, Ihonestlykeepsayingtomyself,“Nowshutupandtrytounderstandher.”

•COMMUNICATINGWITHPARENTSCommunicationishardenoughbyitself,butthrowMomorDadintothemix

andthenyou’vegotatigerbythetail.Igotalongprettywellwithmyparentsasateenager,buttherewereperiodswhenIwasconvincedtheyhadalienslivinginside their bodies. I felt they didn’t understand me or respect me as anindividual,but just lumpedme inwith the restof thekids.Butnomatterhowdistantyourparentsmayseemat times, lifewillgosomuchbetter ifyoucancommunicate.

If youwant to improve your relationshipwithMomorDad (and shock theheck out of ‘em in the process), try listening to them, just like you would afriend. Now, itmay seem kind of weird to treat your parents as if theywerenormalpeopleandall,butit’sworthtrying.We’realwayssayingtoourparents,“Youdon’tunderstandme.Nooneunderstandsme.”Buthaveyoueverstoppedtoconsiderthatperhapsyoudon’tunderstandthem?Yousee, theyhavepressures too.Whileyou’reworryingaboutyour friends

andyourupcominghistoryexam,they’reworryingabouttheirbossesandhowthey’regoing topay foryourbraces.Likeyou, theyhavedayswhen theygetoffendedatworkandgointherestroomtocry.Theyhavedayswhentheydon’tknowhowthey’regoingtopaythebills.Yourmommayseldomgetachancetogooutonherown,letdown,andenjoyherself.Yourdadmaygetlaughedatbytheneighborsbecauseof the carhedrives.Theymayhaveunfulfilleddreamsthey’vehadtosacrificesothatyoucanreachyours.Hey,parentsarepeopletoo.They laugh, they cry, they get their feelings hurt, and they don’t always havetheiracttogether,justlikemeandyou.Ifyou take the time tounderstandand listen toyourparents, two incredible

thingswillhappen.First,you’llgainagreaterrespectforthem.WhenI turnednineteen,Irememberreadingoneofmydad’sbooksfortheveryfirsttime.Hewasasuccessfulauthorandeveryonehadalwaystoldmehowgreathisbookswere, but I hadnever taken the time to even look at oneuntil then. “Wow,” Ithoughtafterfinishingthatfirstbook,“mydadissmart.”AndforallthoseyearsIwasconvincedIwassmarter.Second, ifyou take time tounderstandand listen toyourparents,you’llget

yourwaymuchmore often.This isn’t amanipulative trick, it’s a principle. If

theyfeelthatyouunderstandthem,they’llbemuchmorewillingtolistentoyou,they’llbemoreflexible,and they’ll trustyoumore.Onemotheronce toldme,“Ifmy teenagedaughterssimply took time tounderstandmyhecticworldanddid little thingsaround thehouse tohelpme,whyIwouldgive themsomanyprivilegestheywouldn’tknowwhattodowiththem.”Sohowcanyoubetterunderstandyourparents?Startbyasking themsome

questions.When is the last timeyouaskedyourmomordad,“Howwasyourdaytoday?”or“Tellmewhatyoulikeanddon’tlikeaboutyourjob”or“IsthereanythingIcoulddotohelparoundthehouse?”

You can also begin tomake small deposits into theirRBA.To do that, askyourself, “Whatdomyparentsconsideradeposit?” Jump into their shoesandthinkaboutitfromtheirpointofview,notyours.Adeposittothemmightmeandoingthedishesorgarbagewithoutbeingasked,orkeepingacommitmenttobehomeontime,or,ifyou’relivingawayfromhome,callingthemeveryweekend.

ThenSeektoBeUnderstoodIsawtheresultsofasurveyinwhichpeoplewereaskedwhattheirgreatests

fears were. “Death” came out as number two. You’ll never guess what thenumber-onefearwas.Itwas“speakinginpublic.”Peoplewouldratherdiethanspeakinpublic.Isn’tthatinteresting?It takes boldness to speak up in public, that’s for sure. But it also takes

boldness to speakup ingeneral.ThesecondhalfofHabit5,ThenSeek toBeUnderstood,isasimportantasthefirsthalfbutrequiressomethingdifferentof

us. Seeking first to understand requires consideration, but seeking to beunderstoodrequirescourage.PracticingonlythefirsthalfofHabit5,SeekFirsttoUnderstand,isweak.It’s

Lose-Win.It’sthedoormatsyndrome.Yetit’saneasytraptofallinto,especiallywithparents.“I’mnotgoingtotellMomhowIfeel.Shewon’tlistenandshe’dneverunderstand.”Soweharborthesefeelingsinsidewhileourparentscarryonneverknowinghowwetrulyfeel.Butthisisn’thealthy.Remember,unexpressedfeelings never die. They are buried alive and come forth later in uglierways.You’vegottoshareyourfeelingsorthey’lleatyourheartout.Besides,ifyouhavetakenthetimetolisten,yourchancesofbeinglistenedto

areverygood.Inthefollowingstory,noticehowKellipracticedbothhalvesofthehabit:

Iwas sick andmisseda day of school.Myparentswere concerned that Iwasn’t getting enough sleep and that I was staying out too late. Instead ofcomingupwithabunchofexcuses,Itriedtounderstandtheirreasoning.AndIagreedwiththem.ButIalsoexplainedtothemthatIamtryingtohaveafunsenioryear,andthisincludesspendingtimewithmyfriends.Myparentswerewilling to look at the situation from my point of view, and we reached acompromise. Iwas to stay in oneof the days thatweekendand rest. I don’tthinkmyparentswouldhavebeenas lenient if Ihadn’t tried tounderstandthemfirst.

Givingfeedbackisanimportantpartofseekingtobeunderstood.Ifdoneinthe right way it can be a deposit in the RBA. If someone’s fly is open, forinstance,givefeedback.They’llbeverygrateful,believeme.Ifyouhaveaclosefriendwhohasbadbreath(tothepointofdevelopingareputationforit),don’tyouthinkheorshewouldappreciatesomehonestfeedback,deliveredtenderly?Haveyouever returnedhome fromadateonly todiscover thatyouhadabigpiece of meat between your teeth the whole evening? With terror youimmediatelyrecalleverysmileyoumade thatnight.Don’tyouwishyourdatehadtoldyou?If your RBAwith someone is high, you can give feedback openly without

hesitation.MyyoungerbrotherJoshua,aseniorinhighschool,sharedthis:

Onenice thingabouthavingolderbrothersor sisters is the feedback theygiveyou.WhenIcomehomefromahighschoolbasketballor footballgame,Mom

andDadwillmeetmeatthedoorandgooverallthekeyplaysImade.Momwill raveabout the talent that Ihave,andDadwill say itwasmy leadership

skillsthatdirectedtheteamtovictory.WhenmysisterJennycomesinthekitchentojoinus,I’llaskherhowIdid.

She’ll tellmehowordinary I played, and I’d better getmy act together if Iwanttokeepmystartingposition,andshehopesI’llplaybetterthenextgameandnotembarrassher.

SinceJennyandJoshareveryclose,theycansharefeedbackcandidly.Keepthesetwopointsinmindasyougivefeedback.First,askyourselfthequestion“Willthisfeedbackreallyhelpthispersonor

amIdoingitjusttosuitmyselfandfixthem?”Ifyourmotiveforthefeedbackisn’twiththeirbestinterestatheart,thenit’sprobablynotthetimeorplacetodoit.Second, send“I”messages insteadof “you”messages. Inotherwords,give

feedback in the first person. Say, “I’m concerned that you have a temperproblem”or“Ifeel thatyou’vebeenactingselfishlately.”“You”messagesaremore threatening because they sound as if you’re labeling. “You are so self-centered.”“Yowhaveaterribletemper.”Well,thatshouldprettymuchwrapitup.Idon’thavealotmoretosayabout

thishabit,excepttoendwiththethoughtthatwebeganwith:Youhavetwoearsandonemouth—usethemaccordingly.

COMINGATTRACTIONS

Nextup,findouthow1plus1cansometimesequal3.I’llseeyouthere!

BABYSTEPS1Seehowlongyoucankeepeyecontactwithsomeonewhiletheyaretalkingtoyou.2Gotothemall,findaseat,andwatchpeoplecommunicatewitheachother.Observewhattheirbodylanguageissaying.

3Inyourinteractionstoday,trymirroringonepersonandmimickinganother,justforfun.Comparetheresults.4Askyourself, “Whichof the fivepoor listening stylesdo Ihave thebiggest problem with - Spacing Out, Pretend Listening, SelectiveListening, Word Listening, or Self-Centered Listening (judging,advising,probing)?Now,trytogoonedaywithoutdoingit.

The poor listening style I struggle withmost:_______________________________________________________________________________

5Sometimethisweek,askyourmomordad,“How’sitgoing?”Openup your heart and practice genuine listening. You’ll be surprised bywhatyoulearn.6If you’rea talker, takeabreakand spendyourday listening.Onlytalkwhenyouhaveto.

7Thenext timeyou findyourselfwanting toburyyour feelingsdeepinsideyou,don’tdoit.Instead,expresstheminaresponsibleway.8Thinkofa situationwhereyourconstructive feedbackwouldreallyhelpanotherperson.Shareitwiththemwhenthetimeisright.

Person who could benefit from myfeedback:_____________________________

__________________________________________________________________

Alonewecandosolittle;togetherwecandosomuch.HELENKELLER

Haveyoueverseenaflockofgeeseheadingsouthforthewinterflyingalongina formation?Scientistshavelearnedsomeamazingthingsaboutwhytheyflythatway:

• By flying in formation, thewhole flock can fly 71 percent fartherthanifeachbirdflewalone.Whenagooseflapsitswings,itcreatesanupdraftforthegoosethatfollows.•Astheleadgoosegetstired,hewillrotatetothebackofthe andallowanothergoosetotaketheleadposition.•Thegeeseinthebackhonktoencouragethoseinthefront.•Whenever a goose falls out of formation, it immediately feels theresistanceoftryingtoflyaloneandquicklygetsbackintoformation.•Finally,whenoneofthegeesegetssickoriswoundedandfallsoutof formation, two geese will follow it down to help and protect it.Theywillstaywiththeinjuredgooseuntilitisbetterordiesandthenwill join a new formation or create their own to catch up with thegroup.

Smartbirds,thosegeese!Bysharingineachother’sdraft,takingturnsinthelead position, honking encouragement to each other, staying in formation, andwatchingoutforthewounded,theyaccomplishsomuchmorethanifeachbirdflewsolo.ItmakesmewonderiftheytookaclassinHabit6,Synergize.Hmmm…Whatdoes“synergize”mean?Inanutshell,synergyisachievedwhentwoor

morepeoplework together tocreateabetter solution thaneithercouldalone.It’snotyourwayormywaybutabetterway,ahigherway.Synergyisthereward,thedeliciousfruityou’lltasteasyougetbetteratliving

theotherhabits,especiallyatthinkingWin-Winandseekingfirsttounderstand.

Learningtosynergizeislikelearningtoform formationswithothersinsteadoftryingtoflythroughlifesolo.You’llbeamazedathowmuchfasterandfartheryou’llgo!

SYNERGYIS: SYNERGYISNOT:

Celebratingdifferences

Toleratingdifferences

Teamwork

WorkingindependentlyOpen-mindedness Thinkingyou’realwaysright

Findingnewandbetterways

Compromise

•SYNERGYISEVERYWHERESynergy is everywhere in nature. The great sequoia trees (which grow to

heights of 300 feet or more) grow in clumps and share a vast array ofintermingledroots.Withouteachother,theywouldblowoverinastorm.Manyplantsandanimalslivetogetherinsymbioticrelationships.Ifyouhave

everseenapictureofasmallbirdfeedingoffthebackofarhinoceros,you’veseensynergy.Eachbenefits:Thebirdgetsfedandtherhinogetscleaned.Synergyisn’tanythingnew.Ifyou’veeverbeenonateamofanykind,you’ve

feltit.Ifyou’veeverworkedonagroupprojectthatreallycametogetherorbeenonareallyfungroupdate,you’vefeltit.A good band is a great example of synergy. It’s not just the drums, or the

guitar, or the sax, or the vocalist, it’s all of them together that make up the“sound.” Each bandmember brings his or her strengths to the table to createsomethingbetter thaneachcouldalone.No instrument ismore important thananother,justdifferent.

•CELEBRATINGDIFFERENCESSynergy doesn’t just happen. It’s a process.You have to get there.And the

foundationofgettingthereisthis:Learntocelebratedifferences.I’ll never forget encountering in high school a Tongan named Fine

(pronouncedFee-Nee)Unga.Atfirst,Iwasscaredtodeathofhim.Imeantheguywasbuiltlikeatank,wasmeanlooking,andwasknownasastreetfighter.We looked,dressed, talked, thought, andatedifferently (you shouldhave seenthis guy eat). The only thingwe had in commonwas football. So how in theworlddidwebecomebestfriends?Maybeitwasbecauseweweresodifferent.IneverquiteknewwhatFinewasthinkingorwhathewoulddonext,andthatwasterriblyrefreshing.Iespeciallyenjoyedbeinghisfriendwhenafightbrokeout.HehadstrengthsIdidn’thaveandIhadstrengthshedidn’thave,sotogetherwemadeagreatteam.Boy,amIgladthattheworldisn’tfullofabunchofcloneswhoactandthink

exactlylikeme.Thankgoodnessfordiversity.When we hear the word diversity, we typically think of racial and gender

differences.But there is somuchmore to it, including differences in physicalfeatures, dress, language,wealth, family, religious beliefs, lifestyle, education,interests,skills,age,style,andonandon.AsDr.Seusssaid inOneFish,TwoFish,RedFish,BlueFish:

Weseethemcome.Weseethemgo.Somearefast.

Andsomeareslow.Somearehigh.

Andsomeareslow.Notoneofthemislikeanother.Don’taskuswhy.Goaskyourmother.

Theworld is fast becomingagreatmeltingpotof cultures, races, religions,and ideas. Since this diversity around you is ever increasing, you’ve got animportantdecisiontomakeregardinghowyou’regoingtohandle it.Therearethreepossibleapproachesyoucantake:

Level1:ShundiversityLevel2:ToleratediversityLevel3:Celebratediversity

Shunner’sProfileShunners are afraid (sometimes even scared to death) of differences. It

disturbsthemthatsomeonemayhaveadifferentskincolor,worshipadifferentGod,orwearadifferentbrandofjeansthantheydo,becausethey’reconvincedtheirwayoflifeisthe“best,”“right,”or“only”way.Theyenjoyridiculingthosewho are different, all thewhile believing that they are saving theworld fromsometerriblepestilence.Theywon’thesitatetogetphysicalaboutitiftheyhavetoandwilloften joingangs,cliques,oranti-groupsbecause there’sstrength innumbers.

Tolerator’sProfileToleratorsbelievethateveryonehastherighttobedifferent.Theydon’tshun

diversitybutdon’tembraceiteither.Theirmottois:“YoukeeptoyourselfandI’llkeeptomyself.Youdoyourthingandletmedomine.youdon’tbothermeandIwon’tbotheryou.“Although they come close, they never get to synergy because they see

differencesashurdles,notaspotentialstrengthstobuildupon.Theydon’tknowwhatthey’remissing.

Celebrator’sProfileCelebratorsvaluedifferences.Theyseethemasanadvantage,notaweakness.

They’ve learned that two peoplewho think differently can achievemore thantwo people who think alike. They realize that celebrating differences doesn’tmean that you necessarily agree with those differences, such as being aDemocratoraRepublican,onlythatyouvaluethem.Intheireyes,Diversity=CreativeSparks=Opportunity.Sowheredoyoufallonthespectrum?Takeahardlook.Ifsomeone’sclothes

don’tmatch yours, do you value their unique clothing styles or do you thinkthey’re“outoftouch”?Think about a group that has contrary religious beliefs to yours. Do you

respecttheirbeliefsordoyouwritethemoffasabunchofweirdos?Ifsomeonelivesonadifferentsideoftownthanyou,doyoufeeltheycould

teachyouathingortwoordoyoulabelthembecauseofwheretheylive?The truth is,celebratingdiversity isastruggle formostofus,dependingon

the issue.Forexample,youmayappreciate racialandculturaldiversityand inthesamebreathlookdownonsomeonebecauseoftheclothestheywear.

•WEAREALLAMINORITYOFONEIt’smucheasiertoappreciatedifferenceswhenwerealizethatinonewayor

another,we are all aminorityof one.Andwe should remember that diversityisn’t just an external thing, it’s also internal. In the bookAll I ReallyNeed toKnow I Learned in Kindergarten, Robert Fulghum says, “We are as differentfromoneanotheron the insideofourheadsasweappear tobedifferent fromone another on the outside of our heads.” How do we differ on the inside?Well…We learn differently. As you’ve probably noticed, your friend’s or sister’s

brain doesn’t work the same way yours does. Dr. Thomas Armstrong hasidentifiedsevenkindsofsmartsandsaysthatkidsmaylearnbestthroughtheirmostdominantintelligence:

•LINGUISTIC:learnthroughreading,writing,tellingstories•LOGICAL-MATHEMATICAL: learn through logic, patterns, categories,relationships•BODILY-KINESTHETIC:learnthroughbodilysensations,touching•SPATIAL:learnthroughimagesandpictures•MUSICAL:learnthroughsoundandrhythm•INTERPERSONAL: learn through interaction and communication withothers•INTRAPERSONAL:learnthroughtheirownfeelings

One type isn’t better than another, only different. you may be logical-mathematical dominant and your sister may be interpersonal dominant.Depending on your approach to diversity, youmight say she’s weird becauseshe’ssotalkative,oryoucouldtakeadvantageofthosedifferencesandgethertohelpyouinyourspeechclass.We see differently. Everyone sees the world differently and has a different

paradigm about themselves, others, and life in general. To understand what Imean,let’stryanexperiment.Lookatthepicturebelowforafewseconds.Nowlookat thepictureon thebottomofpage194anddescribewhatyousee.Youmightsaythatthepictureonpage194isasquigglydrawingofasmallmousewithalongtail.ButwhatifItoldyouthatyouwerewrong?WhatifItoldyouthatIdon’tsee

amouseatall,butthatIseeasquigglydrawingofamanwithglasses?WouldyouvaluemyopinionorwouldyouthinkI’madorkbecauseIdon’tseethewayyoudo?

Tounderstandmypointofview,turntopage200andstudythepictureonthebottomofthatpageforamoment.Thenlookatpage194again.NowcanyouseewhatIsee?It goes to show that all the events of your past have formed a lens, or

paradigm,throughwhichyouseetheworld.Andsincenoone’spastisexactly

likeanyoneelse’s,notwopeopleseealike.Someseemiceandsomeseemen,andbothareright.Once you catch on that everyone views the world differently, and that

everyone can be right, it will increase your understanding and respect fordifferingviewpoints.(Youmightwanttotrythissameexperimentwithafriend.)Wehavedifferentstyles,traits,andcharacteristics.Thefollowingexerciseis

notmeant to be an in-depth diagnosis but a fun look at someof your generalcharacteristics and personality traits. This exercise was developed by theLegislator’sSchoolinNorthCarolinaandwasadaptedfromIt’sAllinYourMindbyKathleenButler.Readacrosseachrowandplacea4intheblankthatbestdescribesyou.Now

placea3intheblankforthesecondwordthatbestdescribesyou.Dothesameforthefinalwordsusinga2anda1.Dothisforeachrow.

Ifyourhighestscorewasincolumn1,consideryourselfagrape.Ifyourhighestscorewasincolumn2,consideryourselfanorange.Ifyourhighestscorewasincolumn3,consideryourselfabanana.Ifyourhighestscorewasincolumn4,consideryourselfamelon.Nowfindyourfruitbelowandreviewwhatthismaymeantoyou.

GRAPES

Naturalabilitiesinclude:•Beingreflective•Beingsensitive•Beingflexible•Beingcreative•Preferenceforworkingingroups

Grapeslearnbestwhenthey:•Canworkandsharewithothers•Balanceworkwithplay•Cancommunicate•Arenoncompetitive

Grapesmayhavetrouble:•Givingexactanswers•Focusingononethingatatime•Organizing

Toexpandtheirstyle,Grapesneedto:•Paymoreattentiontodetails•Notrushintothings•Belessemotionalwhenmakingsomedecisions

ORANGES

Naturalabilitiesinclude:•Experimenting•Beingindependent•Beingcurious•Creatingdifferentapproaches•Creatingchange

Orangeslearnbestwhenthey:•Canusetrialanderror•Producerealproducts•Cancompete•Areself-directed

Orangesmayhavetrouble:•Meetingtimelimits•Followingalecture•Havingfewoptionsorchoices

Toexpandtheirstyle,Orangesneedto:•Delegateresponsibility•Bemoreacceptingofothers’ideas•Learntoprioritize

BANANAS

Naturalabilitiesinclude:•Planning•Fact-finding•Organizing•Followingdirections

Bananaslearnbestwhenthey:•Haveanorderlyenvironment•Havespecificoutcomes•Cantrustotherstodotheirpart•Havepredictablesituations

Bananasmayhavetrouble:•Understandingfeelings•Dealingwithopposition•Answering“whatif”questions

Toexpandtheirstyle,Bananasneedto:•Expresstheirownfeelingsmore•Getexplanationsofothers’views•Belessrigid

MELONS

Naturalabilitiesinclude:•Debatingpointsofview•Findingsolutions•Analyzingideas•Determiningvalueorimportance

Melonslearnbestwhenthey:•Haveaccesstoresources•Canworkindependently•Arerespectedforintellectualability•Followtraditionalmethods

Melonsmayhavetrouble:•Workingingroups•Beingcriticized•Convincingothersdiplomatically

Toexpandtheirstyle,Melonsneedto:•Acceptimperfection•Considerallalternatives•Considerothers’feelings

•CELEBRATEYOUROWNDIVERSITYOur tendency is to ask,Which fruit is best? The answer is,That’s a dumb

question.Ihavethreebrothers.Althoughwehavemuchincommon,likenosesizeand

parents,weareverydifferent.WhenIwasyounger,Iwasalwaystryingtoprove

to myself that my talents were better than theirs: “Sure, you may be moreoutgoingthanme.Butwhocares?I’mbetteratschoolthanyouandthat’smoreimportant.”I’vesinceseenthestupidityofthatkindofthinkingandamlearningtoappreciate the fact that theyhave their strengthsand Ihavemine.Noone’sbetterorworse,onlydifferent.That’swhyyoushouldn’tfeelsobadifamemberoftheoppositesex(whom

you are just dying to go out with) doesn’t go for you. Youmay be themostlusciousandmouth-wateringgrapearound,butheorshemaybelookingforabanana.Andnomatterhowmuchyouwantachangeoffruit,you’reagrapeandtheywantabanana.(Butdon’tworry.Agrapeseekerisboundtodropby.)Instead of trying to blend in and be like everyone else, be proud of and

celebrate your unique differences and qualities. A fruit salad is deliciouspreciselybecauseeachfruitmaintainsitsownflavor.

•ROADBLOCKSTOCELEBRATINGDIFFERENCESAlthough there are many, three of the largest roadblocks to synergy are

ignorance,cliques,andprejudice.Ignorance. Ignorance means you’re clueless. You don’t know what other

people believe, how they feel, orwhat they’ve been through. Ignorance oftenaboundswhenitcomestounderstandingpeoplewithdisabilities,asCrystalLeeHelmsexplainedinanarticlesubmittedtomirror,aSeattle-areanewspaper:

My name is Crystal. I’m 5’1” with blond hair and hazel eyes. Big deal,right?WhatifItoldyouIwasdeaf?Inaperfectworld, itwouldn’t,shouldn’tmatter.Wedon’t live inaperfect

world,though,anditdoesmatter.ThemomentsomeoneknowsI’mdeaf,theirwhole attitude changes. Suddenly they look at me differently. You’d besurprisedhowpeopleact.ThemostcommonquestionIget is,“Howdidyoubecomedeaf?”WhenI

tellthem,theirreactionisascommonasthequestionitself:“Oh,I’msosorry.That’s so sad.”Whenever that happens I simply look them in the eye and Icalmly inform them, “No, really, it’s not sad at all. Don’t apologize.” Nomatterhowgoodtheintentionsare,pityalwaysmakesmystomachchurn.Notallattitudesputmeonthedefensive.Somearejustplainfunny.Iwas

signing with my friends and some dude I didn’t know came up to me andstartedtalking.“What’sitlikebeingdeaf?”“Idon’tknow.What’sitlikebeinghearing?Imean,itisn’tlikeanything.It

justis.”

Yousee,thethingisthis:ifyoumeetsomeonewhoisdeaf,don’twritethemoffasdisabledordisadvantaged.Insteadtakethetimetogettoknowthemandfind out what being deaf is all about. By doing this, you open yourself tounderstandingnotonlyothers,but,moreimportantly,yourself.

Cliques. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be with those you’recomfortable with; it becomes a problem only when your group of friendsbecomessoexclusivethattheybegintorejecteveryonewhoisn’tjustlikethem.It’skindofhardtovaluedifferencesinaclose-knitclique.Thoseontheoutsidefeel like second-class citizens, and those on the inside often suffer fromsuperioritycomplexes.Butbreakingintoacliqueisn’thard.Allyouhavetodoisloseyouridentity,beassimilated,andbecomepartoftheBorgcollective.Prejudice.Haveyoueverfeltstereotyped,labeled,orpre-judgedbysomeone

becauseyourskin’sthewrongcolor,youraccent’stooheavy,oryouliveonthewrongsideofthetracks?Haven’tweall,andisn’titasickfeeling?Although we are all created equally, unfortunately, we are not all treated

equally.It’sasadfactthatminoritiesofalltypesoftenhaveadditionalhurdlestoleapinlifebecauseofprejudicesheldbysomany.Racismisoneoftheworld’soldestproblems.ThisisNatarsha’sexperience:

Racismcanmakesucceedingtougher.Whenyou’reablackstudent in thetop 10 percent of your class, maintaining a 4.0 grade point average, somepeoplehaveatendencytofeelthreatened.Ijustwishthatpeoplewouldrealizethateveryone,nomatterwherethey’refromorwhatcolor theyare,deservesthe sameopportunities.As far asmy friendsand I are concerned, prejudicewillalwaysbeabattle.

Wearen’tbornwithprejudices.They’relearned.Kids,forinstance,arecolorblind.Butastheymaturetheybegintopickupontheprejudicesofothersandformwalls,asisexplainedinRodgersandHammerstein’slyricstoasongfromthemusicalSouthPacific:

You’vegottobetaughttobeafraidOfpeoplewhoseeyesareoddlymade,

Andpeoplewhoseskinisadiff’rentshade,You’vegottobecarefullytaught.

You’vegottobetaughtbeforeit’stoolate,Beforeyouaresixorsevenoreight,

Tohateallthepeopleyourrelativeshate,You’vegottobecarefullytaught!

Thefollowingpoembyanunknownsourcetellsthesadtaleofwhathappenswhenpeoplepre-judgeoneanother.

THECOLDWITHIN

Sixhumanstrappedbyhappenstance,inbleakandbittercold,Eachonepossessedastickofwood,orsothestory’stold.

Theirdyingfireinneedoflogs,thefirstmanheldhisback,Forofthefaces‘roundthefire,henoticedonewasblack.

Thenextmanlooking‘crossthewaysawonenotofhischurch,Andcouldn’tbringhimselftogivethefirehisstickofbirch.

Thethirdonesatintatteredclothes,hegavehiscoatahitch,Whyshouldhislogbeputtousetowarmtheidlerich?

Therichmanjustsatbackandthoughtofthewealthhehadinstore,Andhowtokeepwhathehadearnedfromthelazy,shiftlesspoor.

Theblackman’sfacebespokerevengeasthefirepassedfromsight,Forallhesawinhisstickofwoodwasachancetospitethewhite.

Thelastmanofthisforlorngroupdidnaughtexceptforgain,Givingonlytothosewhogavewashowheplayedthegame.

Theirlogsheldtightindeath’sstillhandwasproofofhumansin,Theydidn’tdiefromthecoldwithout—theydiedfromthecoldwithin.

•STICKINGUPFORDIVERSITYFortunately, theworld is fullofpeoplewhoarewarmwithinandwhovalue

diversity.ThefollowingstorybyBillSandersisawonderfulexampleofstickingupfordiversityandshowingcourage:

Acoupleofyearsago,Iwitnessedcouragethatranchillsupanddownmyspine.Atahighschoolassembly,Ihadspokenaboutpickingonpeopleandhow

eachofushastheabilitytostandupforpeopleinsteadofputtingthemdown.Afterwards,wehadatimewhenanyonecouldcomeoutofthebleachersandspeakintothemicrophone.Studentscouldsaythank-youtosomeonewhohadhelpedthem,andsomepeoplecameupanddidjustthat.Agirlthankedsomefriends who had helped her through family troubles. A boy spoke of somepeoplewhohadsupportedhimduringanemotionallydifficulttime.Thenaseniorgirlstoodup.Shesteppedovertothemicrophone,pointedto

the sophomore sectionand challengedherwhole school. “Let’s stoppickingonthatboy.Sure,he’sdifferentfromus,butweareinthisthingtogether.Onthe inside he’s no different from us and needs our acceptance, love,compassionandapproval.Heneedsafriend.Whydowecontinuallybrutalizehimandput himdown? I’m challenging this entire school to lightenup onhimandgivehimachance!”Allthetimesheshared,Ihadmybacktothesectionwherethatboysat,and

Ihadnoideawhohewas.Butobviouslytheschoolknew.Ifeltalmostafraidto look at his section, thinking the boymust be red in the face, wanting tocrawlunderhisseatandhidefromtheworld.ButasIglancedback,Isawaboy smiling from ear to ear.Hiswhole body bouncedup and down, andheraised one fist in the air. His body language said, “Thank you, thank you.Keeptellingthem.Yousavedmylifetoday!”

Differencescreatethechallengesinlifethat

openthedoortodiscovery.

AmericanSignLanguagesymbolfor“WEAREDIVERSE”

Findingthe“High”WayOnce you’ve bought into the idea that differences are a strength and not a

weakness,andonceyou’recommittedtoatleasttryingtocelebratedifferences,you’rereadytofindtheHighWay.TheBuddhistdefinitionoftheMiddleWaydoesnotmeancompromise;itmeanshigher,liketheapexofatriangle.Synergyismore than justcompromiseorcooperation.Compromise is1+1

=1½ Cooperation is 1 + 1 = 2. Synergy is 1 + 1 = 3 or more. It’s creativecooperation,withanemphasison thewordcreative.Thewhole isgreater thanthesumoftheparts.Buildersknowallaboutit.Ifone2”x4”beamcansupport607pounds,then

two2”x4”sshouldbeabletosupport1,214pounds.Right?Actually,two2”x4”scansupport1,821pounds.Ifyounailthemtogether,two2”x4”scannowsupport 4,878 pounds. And three 2” x 4”s nailed together can support 8,481pounds.Musiciansknowhowitworkstoo.TheyknowthatwhenaCandGnoteareperfectlyintune,itproducesathirdnote,oranE.

FindingtheHighWayalwaysproducesmore,asLaneydiscovered:

Inmyphysicslabtheteacherwasdemonstratingtheprincipleofmomentumand our assignment was to construct a catapult, like inmedieval times.Wecalleditapumpkinlauncher.There were three of us in our group, two boys andme.We are all quite

different,sowecameupwithalotofdifferentideas.Oneofuswantedtousebungeecordstomakethelauncherflip.Someone

elsewantedtousetensionandropes.Wetriedeachwithoutmuchsuccessandthenwe figured out a way to use both of them together. It gave a lotmorespringthaneitherwouldhavealone.Itwascoolbecauseitdoubledthelengthofourshot.

Synergy occurred as the founders of the United States were forming theirgovernment structure.WilliamPaterson proposed theNew Jersey Plan,whichsaid that states should get equal representation in government regardless ofpopulation size. This plan favored the smaller states. James Madison had adifferentidea,knownastheVirginiaPlan,whicharguedthatstateswithgreaterpopulations should have greater representation. This plan favored the largerstates.Afterseveralweeksofdebate,theyreachedadecisionthatallpartiesfeltgood

about.TheyagreedtohavetwobranchesofCongress.Inonebranch,theSenate,each statewould get two representatives, regardless of population size. In theotherbranch,theHouseofRepresentatives,eachstatewouldgetrepresentativesbasedonpopulation.

AlthoughitiscalledtheGreatCompromise,thisfamousdecisioncouldreallybecalledtheGreatSynergy,becauseithasprovedtobebetterthaneitheroftheoriginalproposals.

•GETTINGTOSYNERGYWhetheryou’rearguingwithyourparentsoverdatingandcurfewguidelines

orplanningaschoolactivitywithyourpeers,orsimplynotseeingeye toeye,thereisawaytogettosynergy.Here’sasimplefive-stepprocesstohelpyougetthere.

Let’sgivetheactionplanatryonaproblemtoseehowitworks.

TheVacationDad:Idon’tcarehowyoufeel.You’regoingonthisvacationwhetheryou like it or not. We’ve had this planned for months, and it’simportantthatwespendsometimetogetherasafamily.You:ButIdon’twanttogo.Iwanttobewithmyfriends.I’llmissoutoneverything.Mom:Idon’twantyoustayingherebyyourself. I’dworry thewholetimeanditwouldruinmyvacation.Wewantyouwithus.

DEFINETHEPROBLEMOROPPORTUNITYInthiscase,wehaveaproblem.It’sthis:

Myparentswantmetovacationwiththefamily,butIwouldratherstayhomeandgooutwithmyfriends.

THEIRWAY(Seekfirsttounderstandtheideasofothers.)Try using the listening skills you learned inHabit 5 so that you can really

understand your mom and dad. Remember, if you want to have power andinfluencewithyourparents,theyneedtofeelunderstood.Bylistening,youlearnthefollowing:

Thisvacationisveryimportanttomydad.Hewantstohaveafamilybondingtime.Hefeelsitwon’tbethesamewithoutme.Momfeelsthattheywouldworrysomuchaboutmebeinghomealonethattheywouldn’tenjoythevacation.

MYWAY(Seektobeunderstoodbysharingyourideas.)Nowpractice thesecondhalfofHabit5andhave thecourage toshareyour

feelings.Ifyou’vetakenthetimetolistentothem,they’llbemuchmorelikelytolistentoyou.Soyoutellyourparentshowyoufeel.

MomandDad, Iwant to stay home and bewithmy friends. They are veryimportanttome.Wehavealotofthingsplanned,andIdon’twanttomissoutonanyofthefun.Besides,IgocrazywhenIhavetodriveinacrowdedcaralldaywithmylittlebrotherandsister.

BRAINSTORM(Createnewoptionsandideas.)This is where the magic happens. Utilize your imagination and create new

ideastogetherthatyoucouldneverthinkofalone.Asyoubrainstorm,keepthesetipsinmind:

•GETCREATIVE:Throwoutyourwildestideas.Letitflow.• AVOID CRITICISM: Nothing kills the flow of creativity likecriticism.•PIGGYBACK: Keep building upon the best ideas. One great idealeadstoanother,whichleadstoanother.

Brainstormingproducesthefollowingideas:•DadsaidwecouldgotoavacationspotthatIwouldenjoymore.•ImentionedthatIcouldstaywithrelativescloseby.•MomsuggestedIcouldtakeafriendwithme.• I mentioned using my savings and busing out to meet them, so Iwouldn’thavetodriveinacrowdedcar.•Momwaswilling tocut thevacationshort so itwouldbeeasier forme.• I suggestedstayinghome forpartof thevacationand joining themlater.•DadwaswillingtoletmestayhomeifIwouldpaintthefencewhiletheyweregone.

HIGHWAY(Findthebestsolution.)Afterbrainstorming for awhile, thebest ideawill usually surface.Now it’s

justamatterofgoingwithit.

WeallagreedthatIcouldstayhomeduringthefirsthalfoftheweekandthenbusoutwithafriendtojointhefamilyforthesecondhalf.Theyevenofferedtopay thebus fare formy friendandme if Iwouldpaint the fence. It’snothardwork,soIwillstillhavetimetohangoutwithmyfriends.They’rehappy,andsoamI.

Ifyouwillfollowthebasicsoftheaboveformula,you’llbeamazedatwhatcan happen. But it takes a lot of maturity to get to synergy. You have to bewillingtolistentotheotherpointofview.Youthenneedtohavethecourageto

expressyourpointofview.Finally,you’vegot to letyourcreativejuicesflow.Seehowthiseleventhgradergottosynergy:

PromwascomingupandIwantedtowearacertainstyledressthatIhadfound ina fashionmagazine.Theonlyproblemwas that itwasshortonmebecauseIamrealtall.Iknewmymotherwouldflip.We sat down that evening and discussed the prom andwhowas going to

takemeout.Ishowedherthedressinamagazine,and,asIhadanticipated,shesaid,“Absolutelynot.It’swaytooshort.”IlethervoiceheropinionaboutwhatshethoughtIoughttodoandwhereIshouldshop.I didn’t likeanything shehad to say, but itwasobvious that she felt very

strongaboutit.ThenwestartedbraindumpingideasofwhatIcoulddo.Andoneoftheideaswastofindaseamstressandseeifshecouldsewsomethingthat would satisfy us both. I made a quick phone call to a friend, found aseamstress,andsoonweweredrawingupour ideasandshopping for fabricand pattern. The outcome was beautiful, very personal and different fromeveryoneelse’sdress.Ididn’tspendasmuchmoneyasInormallywouldhave,andmyfriendslovedtheoutfittoo.

GoforItTheGettingtoSynergyActionPlancanbeusedinallkindsofsituations:

• You’ve just been assigned a group project for biology with threepeopleyoudon’tevenknow.

•Youandyourboyfriendcan’tdecidewhosefamilyyoushouldspendThanksgivingwith.•Youwanttogotocollege,butyourparentsaren’twillingtohelpyoupayforit.• As a student body officer, you and your team are in charge ofplanningthebiggestdanceoftheyear.•Youandyourstepmomdisagreeonyourcurfew.•You’realwaysfightingwithyourbrotheraboutthecomputer.

TheGetting toSynergyActionPlan is aguideline,nothingmore.The stepsdon’talwayshavetobeinorder,andyoudon’talwayshavetodoallofthem.IfyourRBAisextremelyhighwithsomeone,youcanvirtuallyskipthefirstthreestepsandjumprightintobrainstorming.Ontheotherhand,ifyourRBAislow,youmayneedtotakemoretimelistening.Itmaytakeseveralconversationstosolvesomeproblems,sobepatient.Despiteherculean efforts onyourpart to find theHighWay, sometimes the

otherpartywon’tmakeanyeffortatall.YoumayjusthavetokeepbuildingtheRBAinthesesituations.Howdoyounormallysolveconflicts?Mostofthetimeit’susuallyfight(with

wordsorfists)orflight(you’resilentoryoutakeoff).TheGettingtoSynergyActionplanoffersanalternative.Pretendyouandyoursisterareinonecontinuousfightoverwhogetsthecar.

Eachofyoufeelsyouneed itmore than theotherperson,and it’screated realbadfeelingsbetweenyou.Havingrecentlylearnedaboutsynergy,youdecidetogivetheGettingtoSynergyActionPlanatry.

Synergydoesn’tjusthappen.It’saprocess.Youhavetogetthere.

DEFINETHEPROBLEMOROPPORTUNITY“Sis,I’mtiredoffightingoverthecarallthetime.Let’stalkandseeifwecan

comeupwithaWin-Win.”“Oh,c’mon.Don’ttrythat7Habitscraponme.”

“Imeanit.Ireallywanttoworkthisout.”“Fine.Howdoyousuggestwedoit?There’sonlyonecarandthere’stwoof

us.”

THEIRWAY(Seekfirsttounderstandtheideasofothers.)“Well,tostartwith,tellmewhyyouneedthecarallthetime.”“Youknowwhy.Ineedawaytogethomeafterpractice.”“Whycan’tyouget

aridewithyourfriends?”“Icansometimes,butitalwaysmakesmefeelembarrassedbecauseI’msofar

outoftheirway.”“Isee.Arethereotherreasonswhyyouneedthecar?”“Well,yeah.IsometimesliketostopbyJared’shouseonthewayhome.”“That’simportanttoyou.”“Youbet.”“So you don’t like scrounging rides home after practice and you want the

freedomacargivesyoutodothings,likeseeJared.Doesthatprettymuchsumitup?”“Yeah.”

MYWAY(Seektobeunderstoodbysharingyourideas.)“WouldyoumindifItoldyouwhyIneedthecar?”“IthinkIalreadyknow,butgoahead.”“It’sjustwork.Ihavetobetoworkby6:00everynightandyouusuallydon’t

gethomeuntilabout6:30.WhenIhaveMomtakemeI’malwayslateandmybosshasafit.”“Yeah,IknowhowitiswithMom.”

BRAINSTORM(Createnewoptionsandideas.)“Sis,howabout ifyouwere togetoutofpracticea littleearlier? Ifyougot

homebyquartertosix,thenyoucouldhavethecarfirstandthenI’dtakeittowork.”“IwouldifIcouldbutIcan’tgetoutofpracticeearly.Whatifyouwereto

startworkalittlelater?”“Hey,nowthatIthinkaboutit,thatmightwork.I’msuremybosswouldlet

mestartlaterifIendedlater.Whydon’twegiveitatry?YougetthecartillafterpracticeandthenI’lltakeittoworklater.”

“ButwhatifIwanttoseeJared?”“IfyouwanttoseeJared,I’djustdropyouoffonmywaytoworkandpick

youuponthewayhome.Wouldthatbeallright?”“Yeah,that’dbefine.”

HIGHWAY(Findthebestsolution.)“So,dowehaveadeal?”“Deal.”It’snotalwaysthiseasy.But,ontheotherhand,sometimesitis.

•TEAMWORKANDSYNERGYGreat teams are usuallymade up of five ormore different types of people,

witheachmemberplayingadifferentbutimportantrole.Plodders.Sureandsteady,theysticktoajobuntilit’sdone.Followers.They

areverysupportiveofleaders.Iftheyhearagreatidea,theycanrunwithit.Innovators.Theyarethecreative,ideapeople.Theyofferthesparks.Harmonizers. They provide unity and support and are great synergizers as

theyworkwithothersandencouragecooperation.Show-offs.Funtoworkwith,theycanbetoughattimes.Theyoftenaddthe

spiceandmomentumneededtobringtheteamoverallsuccess.Greatteamworkislikeagreatpieceofmusic.Allthevoicesandinstruments

maybesingingandplayingatonce,buttheyaren’tcompeting.Individually,theinstruments and voices make different sounds, play different notes, pause atdifferent times; yet they blend together to create a whole new sound. This issynergy.Thebookyouareholding isdrippingwith synergy.When I firstdecided to

writeit,Ifeltoverwhelmed.SoIstartedintheonlywayIknewhow.Igothelp.Iimmediatelyaskedafriendforassistance.Isoonputtogetherabiggerteam.Iidentifieda fewschoolsandeducators fromaround thecountrywhoagreed togivefeedbackondraftsatdifferentstages.Ibeganinterviewingteensoneononeandingroups.Ihiredanartist.Iputtogethercontestsaskingforstoriesdealingwith teens and the 7 Habits. By the end, there were well over 100 peopleinvolvedinthecreationofthisbook.Slowlybutsurelyitallcametogether.Eachpersonbroughthisorhertalents

tothetableandcontributedinadifferentway.WhileIfocusedonwriting,othersfocused on what they were good at. One was good at collecting stories. Onecouldfindgreatquotes.Anotherknewhowtoedit.Somewereplodders,someinnovators,someshow-offs.Itwasteamworkandsynergytothemax.

The wonderful by-product of teamwork and synergy is that it buildsrelationships.BasketballOlympianDeborahMillerPalmoresaiditwell:“Evenwhen you’ve played the game of your life, it’s the feeling of teamwork thatyou’ll remember.You’ll forget the plays, the shots, and the scores, but you’llneverforgetyourteammates.”

COMINGATTRACTIONS

Ifyoukeepreading,you’lldiscovertherealreasonwhyMichellePfeifferlookslikeamillionbucks.Justafewmorepagesand

you’redone!

BABYSTEPS

1 When you meet a classmate or neighbor with a disability orimpairment,don’tfeelsorryforthemoravoidthembecauseyoudon’tknowwhattosay.Instead,gooutofyourwaytogetacquainted.2Thenexttimeyouarehavingadisagreementwithaparent,tryouttheGettingtoSynergyActionPlan.1.Definetheproblem.2.Listentothem.3.Shareyourviews.4.Brainstorm.5.Findthebestsolution.3 Share a personal problem with an adult you trust. See if theexchanging of viewpoints leads to new insights and ideas about yourproblem.

4Thisweek,lookaroundandnoticehowmuchsynergyisgoingonallaroundyou,suchastwohandsworkingtogether,teamwork,symbioticrelationshipsinnature,andcreativeproblemsolving.5 Think about someone who irritates you. What is different aboutthem?

Whatcanyoulearnfromthem?________________________________________________________________________________

6Brainstormwithyourfriendsandcomeupwithsomethingfun,new,anddifferent todo thisweekend, insteadofdoing the sameold thingagainandagain.7Rate your openness todiversity in eachof the following categories.Areyouashunner,tolerator,orcelebrator?

Whatcanyoudotobecomeacelebratorineachcategory?

____________________________________________________

PARTIV

Renewal

Habit7—SharpentheSawIt’s“MeTime”

KeepHopeAlive!Kid,You’llMoveMountains

Thetimetorepairtheroofiswhenthesunisshining.U.S.PRESIDENTJOHNF.KENNEDY

Do you ever feel imbalanced, stressed-out, or empty inside? If so, you’regoing to loveHabit7,because itwasspeciallydesigned tohelpyoudealwiththeseproblems.Whydowecallit“SharpentheSaw”?Well,imaginethatyou’regoingforawalkintheforestwhenyoucomeuponaguyfuriouslysawingdownatree.“Whatareyoudoing?”youask.“I’msawingdownatree,”comesthecurtreply.“Howlonghaveyoubeenatit?”

“Fourhourssofar,butI’mreallymakingprogress,”hesays,sweatdrippingfromhischin.“Your saw looks really dull,” you say. “Why don’t you take a break and

sharpenit?”“Ican’t,youidiot.I’mtoobusysawing.”Weallknowwhotherealidiothereis,now,don’twe?Iftheguyweretotake

afifteen-minutebreaktosharpenthesaw,he’dprobablyfinishthreetimesfaster.Haveyoueverbeentoobusydrivingtotaketimetogetgas?Haveyoueverbeentoobusylivingtotaketimetorenewyourself?Habit7 is all about keeping your personal self sharp so that you can better

deal with life. It means regularly renewing and strengthening the four keydimensionsofyourlife—yourbody,yourbrain,yourheart,andyoursoul.

BODY ThePhysicalDimensionExercise,eathealthy,sleepwell,relax.

BRAIN TheMentalDimensionRead,educate,write,learnnewskills.

HEART The Emotional Dimension Build relationships(RBA,PBA),giveservice,laugh.

SOUL TheSpiritualDimensionMeditate,keepajournal,pray,takeinqualitymedia.

•BALANCEISBETTERThe ancient Greeks’ famous saying “Nothing overmuch” reminds us of the

importanceofbalanceandofkeepingintouchwithallfourdimensionsoflife.Somepeople spendcountlesshoursbuilding theperfectbodybutneglect theirminds.Othershavemindsthatcanbench-press400poundsbutlettheirbodieswaste awayor forget abouthavinga social life.Toperformatyourpeak,youneedtostriveforbalanceinallfourareas.Why isbalance so important? It’sbecausehowyoudo inonedimensionof

lifewillaffecttheotherthree.Thinkaboutit.Ifoneofyourcar’stiresisoutofbalance,allfourtireswillwearunevenly,notjusttheone.It’shardtobefriendly(heart)whenyou’reexhausted(body).Italsoworkstheotherway.Whenyou’refeelingmotivated and in tunewithyourself (soul), it’s easier to focusonyour

studies(mind)andtobemorefriendly(heart).During my school years, I remember studying many of the great artists,

authors,andmusicians,likeMozart,vanGogh,Beethoven,andHemingway.Somanyofthemseemedtobeemotionallymessedup.Why?Yourguessisasgoodas mine, but I think it was because they were out of balance. It seems theyfocusedsohardonjustonething,liketheirmusicorart,thattheyneglectedtheotherdimensionsoflifeandlosttheirbearings.Asthesayinggoes,Balanceandmoderationinallthings.

•TAKETIMEFORATIME-OUTJustlikeacar,youtooneedregulartune-upsandoilchanges.Youneedtime

out to rejuvenate thebest thingyou’vegotgoing foryourself—you!Youneedtimetorelaxandunstringyourbow,timetotreatyourselftoalittletenderlovingcare.Thisiswhatsharpeningthesawisallabout.Over thenext several pages,we’ll take a look at eachdimension, thebody,

mind,heart,andsoul,andtalkaboutspecificwaystogetthatsawofyoursrazorsharp.Soreadon!

CaringforYourBody

Ihatedjuniorhigh.Ifeltawkward.IwasunsureaboutwhoIwasandhow I fit in. And my body started undergoing all sorts of weird changes. Iremembermyfirstdayingymclass.Ihadboughtmyfirstjockever,butIhad

noideahowtoputiton.Andallofusboysweresoembarrassedatseeingeachother naked for the first time that we just stood around in the showers andgiggled.

Duringyour teenageyears, yourvoicewill change, yourhormoneswill runrampant,andcurvesandmuscleswillbeginspringingupallover.Welcometoyournewbody!Actually, this ever-changing body of yours is really quite a marvelous

machine.Youcanhandleitwithcareoryoucanabuseit.Youcancontrolitorletitcontrolyou.Inshort,yourbodyisatool,andifyoutakegoodcareofit,itwillserveyouwell.Hereisalistoftenwaysteenscankeeptheirphysicalselvessharp:

1.Eatgoodfood2.Relaxinthebathtub3.Bike4.Liftweights5.Getenoughsleep6.Practiceyoga7.Playsports8.Takewalks9.Stretchout

10.DoanaerobicsworkoutThefourkeyingredientstoahealthybodyaregoodsleepinghabits,physical

relaxation,goodnutrition,andproperexercise. I’ll focushereonnutritionand

exercise.

•YOUAREWHATYOUEATThere’s much truth to the expression “You are what you eat.” I’m not an

expertinnutrition,butIhavefoundtworulesofthumbtokeepinmind.Firstruleofthumb:Listentoyourbody.Paycarefulattentiontohowdifferent

foodsmakeyoufeelandfromthatdevelopyourownhandfulofdo’sanddon’ts.Everyonerespondsdifferentlytofood.Forexample,wheneverIeatabigmealright before bed I feel horrible in themorning.Andwhenever I eat toomanyfrenchfries,nachos,orpizzaIgeta“greaserush.”(Haveyoueverhadoneofthose?)Thesearemydon’ts.Ontheotherhand,I’velearnedthateatinglotsoffruitsandvegetablesanddrinkingtonsofwatermakesmefeelsharp.Thesearemydo’s.Secondruleofthumb:Bemoderateandavoidextremes.Formanyofus(me

included),it’seasiertobeextremethantobemoderate,andsowefindourselvesjumpingbackandforthbetweeneatingarabbit-foodanda junk-fooddiet.Butextremeeatinghabitscanbeunhealthy.Alittlejunkfoodonoccasionisn’tgoingto hurt you. (Imean,whatwould life be likewithout an occasional Slurpee?)Justdon’tmakeityoureverydayfare.TheUSDA food pyramid is a balanced andmoderate approach to nutrition

that I highly recommend. It encourages eating more whole grains, fruits,vegetables,andlow-fatdairyproductsandeatinglessfastfood,junkfood,andsnacks,whichareoftenloadedwithfat,sugar,salt,andothergook.Remember,foodaffectsmood.Soeatwithcare.

•USEITORLOSEITOneofmyfavoritemovies isForrestGump. It’s thestoryofanaiveyoung

manfromAlabamawithagoodheartwhokeepsstumblingintosuccessinspiteofhimself.Atonepoint in themovie,Forrest is frustratedandconfusedabouthis life. So what does he do? He starts to run, and keeps on running. Afterrunningbackandforthfromonecoasttotheothertwoandahalftimes,Forrestfeelsbetterandisfinallyabletosorthislifeout.Weall feeldepressed,confused,orapatheticat times.And it’sat times like

thesewhenperhapsthebestthingwecandoforourselvesistodowhatForrestdid: exercise ourselves better. Besides being good for your heart and lungs,exercisehasanamazingwayofgivingyouashotofenergy,meltingstressaway,andclearingyourmind.There is no single best way to exercise. Many teenagers like to play

competitive sports. Others prefer running, walking, biking, in-line skating,dancing, stretching, aerobics, or lifting weights. Still others just like to getoutside andmove around. For best results, you should exercise for twenty tothirtyminutesasessionatleastthreetimesaweek.Don’t let“pain”be thefirst thing thatcomes intoyourmindwhenyouhear

theword“exercise.”Insteadfindsomethingyouenjoydoing,sothatit’seasytomaintain.

•IT’SALLABOUTHOWYOUFEEL,NOTHOWYOULOOKButbecareful. Inyourquest forabetterphysique,makesureyoudon’tget

tooobsessedwithyourappearance.Asyou’veprobablynoticed,oursociety ishung up on “looks.” To provemy point just walk into any grocery store andglanceat theperfectpeoplewhoadornthecoversofnearlyeverymagazine.Itkind of makes you feel self-conscious about all your physical imperfections,doesn’tit?Asayoungboy,Iwasveryself-consciousaboutmyfatcheeks.Mydadtold

methatwhenIwasbornmycheeksweresofatthedoctorsdidn’tknowwhichendtospank.Iclearlyrememberaneighborgirlmakingfunofmycheeksonetime.MybrotherDavidheroicallytriedtodefendmebysayingtheyweremadeout of muscle. It backfired and “Muscle Cheeks” became my least favoritenicknameofall.Ineighthgrademydadsentmeonalongsurvivaltrek(anicewayofsaying

we hiked forever and starved) to try to toughen me up. The unexpected by-productwasthatIlostmycheeks.Butasmyteenageyearsunfolded,Ibecameself-consciousaboutmanyotherthings,suchasnothavingaperfectsmilelikesomeofmyfriendsdidor thosezits thatkept resurfacing likeabadhabit thatwon’tgoaway.Beforeyoustartcomparingyourselftothebabesandhunksonthecoversof

CosmopolitanandMuscleandFitness andbeginhating everything about yourbodyandlooks,pleaserememberthattherearethousandsofhealthyandhappyteenswhodon’thavehighcheekbones,rock-hardabs,orbunsofsteel.Therearemanysuccessfulsingers,talkshowhosts,dancers,athletes,actors,andactresseswhohaveallkindsofphysicalimperfections.Youdon’thavetopopsteroidsorgetyourchestenlargedtobehappy.Ifyoudon’thavethe“look”orbodytypeour societyhas stamped “ideal,” sowhat?What’s popular todaywill probablychangetomorrowanyhow.The important thing is feeling good physically—and not so much your

appearance. Talk show hostOprahWinfrey said it best: “You have to changeyourperception.It’snotaboutweight—it’scaringforyourselfonadailybasis.”

RealLifeorArt?Besides, if you didn’t already know it, what you see on the covers of

magazines isn’t real. They’re “images.” Many years ago, actress and beautyqueenMichellePfeifferwasfeaturedonthefrontofEsquiremagazinewiththecaption,“WhatMichellePfeifferneeds…isabsolutelynothing.”Sheactuallyneededmorehelpthanmeetstheeye,asauthorAllenLitchfield

revealedinSharingtheLightintheWilderness:

Butanothermagazine,Harper’s,offeredproof in itsedition the followingmonth that even the “beautiful people” need a little help. Harper’s hadobtainedthephotoretouchers’billforPfeiffer’spictureontheEsquirecover.Theretoucherscharged$1,525torenderthefollowingservices:“Cleanupthecomplexion, softensmile line, trimchin, soften lineunderearlobe,addhair,add forehead to create better line, and soften neckmuscles.” The editor ofHarper’s printed the story because we are, he said, “constantly faced withperfection inmagazines; this is toremind the reader… there’s a differencebetweenreallifeandart.”This iswhyyoushouldn’tbecomparingyouryearbookordriver’s license

photographswiththemagazinecoverfaces.Thephotographerwhoisshootingyourpicture isgettingpaidminimumwage, isbored, is inahurry,andmayevenhateyou.Littlewonderyourpicturecomesoutlookingawful.

Remember, our fetish with chiseled bodies hasn’t always been the trend.Wouldn’t it be nice to have lived in eighteenth-century Europe, when beingoverweightwas the “in” thing, orduring theDarkAges,wheneveryoneworebaggy robes and no one really knewwhat your body looked like?Boy, thosewerethedays!Ofcourse,weshouldworkhardtolookourbestandbepresentable,butifwe

aren’t careful, becoming obsessed with “looks” can lead us to severe eatingdisorders such as compulsive eating, bulimia, or anorexia or to addictions toperformance-enhancing drugs such as steroids. Treating your body like aprisonerofwarinordertobeacceptedbysomeoneelseisneverworthit.If you’re struggling with an eating disorder, don’t feel alone. It’s a very

commonproblemamongteens.Admityouhaveaproblemandgethelp.(AtthebackofthebookIhavelistedsomeorganizationsthatcanhelp.)

•ICANQUITWHENEVERIWANTJustastherearewaystocareforyourbody,therearealsowaystodestroyit.

And using addictive substances such as alcohol, drugs, and tobacco is a greatway to do it. Alcohol, for example, is often associatedwith the three leadingcauses of death among teens: car accidents, suicide, and homicide. And thenthere’ssmoking,whichhasbeenproventocloudyoureyes,causeyourskinto

prematurelyage,yellowyourteeth,causebadbreath,tripleyourcavities,causerecedinggums,discolor theskinonyourfingertips,create tiredness,andcausecancer. (It’s a wonder anyone dares smoke.)Moreover, it isn’t popular. I ranacrossanadbytheMassachusettsDepartmentofPublicHealth thatdrovethispointhome:

Okay, there’s (insert name of person youwant to get with here) standingalone. The perfect opportunity. You check your clothes, your hair, light acigarette,checkyourhairagainandslowlywalk towards them.Yousmileasthey begin to speak, “Could you do me a favor?” You lean a little closer,hangingontheirwords,“Couldyougosmokesomewhereelse?”Smokingisn’tasattractiveasyouthink.Inastudy,8outof10guysand7

outof10girlssaidtheywouldn’tdatesomeonewhosmokes.Soifyousmoke,youbettergetusedtokissingthatcigarette.

Just remember, tobaccocompanies spend$500,000everyhourof everydaypromoting and advertising cigarettes. They want your money. A pack ofcigarettesadayaddsupto$1,000ayear.JustthinkabouthowmanyCDsyoucouldbuyfor$1,000.Don’tletthemsuckeryou!Now,ofcourse,nooneplansongettingaddicted. It all starts so innocently.

Yet too often playingwith “gateway drugs” like alcohol and tobacco leads tomarijuana and then on to other deadly drugs like cocaine, LSD, PCP, opiates,and heroin. Many begin drinking, smoking, or doing drugs in an attempt todisplaytheirfreedom,onlytofindthattheyeventuallydevelopanaddictionthatdestroys their freedom. Believe me, there are better ways to assert yourindividuality.Perhapstheworstthingaboutpickingupanaddictionisthis:You’renolonger

in control—your addiction is. When it says jump, you jump. You react. Saygood-byetothewholeideaofbeingproactive.Ialwaysfeelsorryforpeopleatworkwhohavetogooutsidetosmokebecauseit’snotallowedinthebuilding.It’s sad to see them standing outside in the heat of summer or the freeze ofwinter,puffingaway,unabletocontroltheirurge.Wealwaysthinkthataddictionissomethingthathappenstosomeoneelseand

thatwecouldquitanytime.Right?Inreality,it’shard.Asanexample,only25percentof teen tobaccouserswho try toquit are successful. I likewhatMarkTwain said about how easy it was for him to quit smoking: “I’ve done it ahundredtimes.”Here’sastoryofthestruggleoneteenageguywentthroughtoovercomehis

drugaddiction:

ThefirsttimeIusedanykindofdrugoralcoholwaswhenIwasfourteen.Ididn’tevenknowwhatdrugswere.Ireallydidn’tcare.Everyonejusttoldmehowbadtheywere.Myfriendsaid,“Here,takethis.It’sprettycool.”SoItookit. When I started, I wanted to be cool. After that, it wasn’t peer pressureanymore.Itwasjustme.I started doing drugs and drinking more and more and my schoolwork

startedslipping.Myrelationshipsstartedtodecrease.Iwaslosingtouchwithmy family, and I hated that.My attitude toward things turned around, youknow—justalotofnegativity.Ialsostartedtoseemygirlfriendless.Right after I started drinking and drugging, I noticed some physical

problems, too. I felt real tired all the time. I also lost a lot ofweight, aboutthirtypoundsintwomonths.The other thing was that I would go home and run out of toothpaste or

somethinglike that,andI’dcry.Iwasoverreactingbigtime.Mytemperwasreallyshort.About amonth aftermy seventeenth birthday, I got caughtwith drugs in

school.Theysuspendedmeforaweek,andIknewthatwasthetimeIneededtogetmyselfbacktogether.SoItriedtostop,butIcouldn’t.It’slikewhenyousmokecigarettes.Youcanputonedownandsayyou’regoingtoquit,you’regoingtoquit,butitisrealhardtostop.SoIstoppedhangingaroundmyoldfriendsandstartedgoingtoAlcoholics

Anonymous (AA)meetings and I got a sponsor. AA is a lifelong thing. Youtakeonedrinkanditmessesupeverythingyouhadbuiltuptothatpoint.AlotofmyfriendswhocametoAAhaverelapsed.Butmysponsorreallyhelpedmeout.Withoutthisprogram,IknowIwouldn’thavestopped.SinceI’vebeen in thisprogram, it’sbeen thegreatest life.Idon’tdrink.I

don’t drug.My schoolwork is going back up.My family is closer than evernow.Before,Iworkedatalmosteveryfast-foodplacethereisintownbecauseI’dquitwithintwoweeksateachone.Now,I’vehadjustonejobforabouttwomonths.IcamebacktoschoolandIstartedtocare.Iwasnicetopeopleevenwhentheyweren’tnicetome.I’vetotallychangedmylifearound.I’mstartingtothinkaboutcollegeanddoingallthesethingsIwouldneverthinkofbefore.It’s real confusing to me why anyone would spend their high school yearsdrinking.It’sascarylife.

•THEREFUSALSKILL™Stayingawayfromdrugsofallkindsisaloteasiersaidthandone.Hereare

TheRefusalSkill™*stepsthatyoumightwanttoconsiderthenexttimeyoufeel

pressuredtodrink,smoke,ordodrugs,anddon’treallywantto.

1.Askquestions.Asktoughquestionsthatreallymakeyouthinkaboutwhatyou’redoing.“WhywouldIwanttosmoke?”“WhatwillhappentomeifIgetstonedtonight?”

2.Namethetrouble.Trytoputafaceonwhatyou’redoing.“Smokingpotisillegal.”“Smokingwillruinmybreath.”

3.Statetheconsequences.Thinkthroughtheconsequencesofyouractions.“IcouldgetarrestedifI’mcaughtwithdrugs.”“IfIgetwastedtonight,someonemighttakeadvantageofme.”

4.Suggestanalternative.Haveyourownlistoffunalternativesreadytogowheneveryou’rebeingluredin.“Hey,whydon’twegoseeamovie?”“I’dratherplaybasketball.”

5.Takeoff.Ifyougetcaughtinasituationthatjustdoesn’tlookgood,don’tworryaboutwhateveryonemightthinkofyou,justgetaway…fast.“Sorry,everyone.ButI’moutofhere.”If you’re creative enough, you’ll be able to develop your own approach to

avoidingtheentirescene,asJimdid:

MyfriendsandI justdidn’twantall that trouble thatcamefromdrinkinganddoingdrugs,soweformedagroup.Wewereabouttenpeoplewhowerecommitted to helping our friends stay out of trouble. We hung out a lottogether,andweeklywouldgotopastadinnersandplanhowwecouldsupporteachother.Thesupportmostlycameintheformoftalkingtootherswhenwesaw them being tempted or floundering, and assuring them that they reallydidn’tneedtodothosethingstobecool,andtheninvitingthemtocomejoinusinourfuninstead.Itworkedandreallywasverypowerful.

Believeme, you’re notmissing out on anything if you stay away from thisstuff. “Life itself,” saidTV chef JuliaChild, “is the proper binge.”You don’tneed to even experiment. The short-term bang is never worth the long-termdevastationthatoftenfollows.Ifyoudon’tsmoke,drink,ordodrugs,whyevenstart? If you do,why not get help and quit? There aremuch better andmorenaturalwaystogethigh.Whynotgivethematry?(SeeInfoCentralinthebackofthebookformoreinformation.)

CaringforYourBrain

IonceheardafolklorestoryaboutayoungmanwhocametoSocrates,thegreatwiseman,andsaid,“Iwanttoknoweverythingyouknow.”“If this isyourdesire,” saidSocrates, “then followme to the river.”Fullof

curiosity, theyoungman followedSocrates to thenearby river.As theysatonthebank,Socratessaid,“Takeacloselookattheriverandtellmewhatyousee.”“Idon’tseeanything,”saidtheman.“Lookcloser,”repliedSocrates.As the man peered over the bank and leaned closer to the water, Socrates

grabbed theman’sheadandshoved itunder thewater.Theman’sarmsflailedwildlyasheattemptedtoescape,butSocrates’stronggripkepthimsubmerged.Aboutthetimethemanwasabouttodrown,Socratespulledhimfromtheriverandlaidhimonthebank.Coughing,themangasped,“Areyoucrazy,oldman?Whatareyoutryingto

do,killme?”

“When I was holding you under the river, what did you want more thananythingelse?”askedSocrates.“Iwantedtobreathe.Iwantedair!”hereplied.“Don’tevermakethemistakeofthinkingwisdomcomessoeasily,myyoung

friend,”saidSocrates.“Whenyouwanttolearnasbadlyasyouwantedairjustnow,thencometomeagain.”

Thepointhereisclear.Nothinginlifecomeseasy.Youhavetopaytheprice!Everyone has to pay the price.Write that down.Memorize it. Underline it. Idon’tcarewhatpeoplesay,therearenofreelunches!Whatanaiveyoungmanto think thathecouldgaina lifetimeof learningwithoutpaying theprice.Butare we any less naive when we think that we can secure a good job and apromisingfutureifwehaven’tpaidthepricetodevelopastrongmind?Infact,gettingagoodeducationmayjustbethemostimportantpriceyoucan

pay—because,perhapsmorethananythingelse,whatyoudowiththatmassofgraymaterialbetweenyourearswilldetermineyourfuture.Infact,unlessyouwanttobeflippingburgersandlivingwithyourparentswhenyou’rethirtyyearsold,you’dbetterstartpayingthepricenow.ThementaldimensionofHabit7,Sharpen theSaw,meansdevelopingbrain

powerthroughyourschooling,extracurricularactivities,hobbies,jobs,andothermind-enlargingexperiences.

TheKeytoUnlockingYourFutureIonceaskedagroupof teenagers ina survey“Whatareyour fears?” Iwas

surprisedbyhowmanyspokeaboutthestressofdoingwellinschool,goingto

college,andgettingagoodjobinthefuture.Saidone,“Whatcanwedotobecertainthatwecangetajobandsupportourselves?”Theanswerisreallyrathersimple.Youcouldtrytowinthelottery.Yourchancesofdoingthatareabout1in1,000,000.Oryoucoulddevelopaneducatedmind.By far, thisoffersyourbestchanceofsecuringagoodjobandmakingalifeforyourself.What’s an educatedmind? It’smuchmore than a diploma on a wall, even

thoughthat’sanimportantpartofit.Abetterdefinitionis:Aneducatedmindislike a well-conditioned ballerina. A ballerina has perfect control over hermuscles.Her bodywill bend, twist, jump, and turnperfectly, according to hercommand. Similarly, an educated mind can focus, synthesize, write, speak,create, analyze, explore, imagine, and somuchmore. To do that, however, itmustbetrained.Itwon’tjusthappen.

I’d suggest you get as much education as you can. Any further educationbeyond high school—a college degree, vocational or technical training, anapprenticeship,ortraininginanyofthearmedforces—willbewellworthyourtime andmoney.See it as an investment inyour future.Statistics have shownthatacollegegraduateearnsabouttwiceasmuchasahighschoolgraduate.Andthegapseemstobewidening.Don’tletalackofmoneybethereasonyoudon’tgetmore education. “If you think education is expensive, try ignorance,” saidDerek Bok, a former president of Harvard University. Even if you have tosacrifice and work your tail off to pay for your education, it’s well worth it.You’dalsobeamazedatthenumberofscholarships,grants,loans,andstudent-aidoptionsthatareavailableifyousearchthemout.Infact,millionsofdollarsof grant and scholarship money goes unclaimed each year because no onebotheredtoapplyforit.(Refertothebackofthebookformoreinformationongrantsandscholarships.)

•SHARPENYOURMINDTherearenumerouswaystoexpandyourmind.However, thebestapproach

maysimplybetoread.Asthesayinggoes,readingistothemindwhatexerciseis to thebody.Reading is foundational toeverythingelseanddoesn’tcost thatmuch, unlike other methods, such as traveling. The following are twentypossibleways to sharpen yourmind. I’m sure you can come upwith anotherfiftyifyoutry.

•Readanewspapereveryday•SubscribetoNationalGeographic•Travel•Plantagarden•Observewildlife•Attendalectureonaninterestingtopic•WatchtheDiscoveryChannel•Visitalibrary•Listentothenews•Researchyourancestors•Writeastory,poem,orsong•Playchallengingboardgames•Debate•Playagameofchess•Visitamuseum•Commentinclass•Attendaballet,opera,orplay•Learntoplayamusicalinstrument•Havestimulatingconversationswithfriends•Solvecrosswordpuzzles

•FINDYOURNICHEWhileyoumayneedtoenduresomesubjectsyoudon’tenjoyatschool,find

thesubjectsyoudoenjoyandbuildupon them.Takeadditionalclasses,checkoutbooks,andseemoviesaboutthetopic.Don’tletschoolbeyouronlyformofeducation.Lettheworldbeyourcampus.

Youshouldexpecttohavesometroubleinsomeclasses.Unlessyou’reanEinstein,everysubjectwon’tbeeasyforyou.Actually,ItakebackwhatIjustsaid.ThefamousAlbertEinsteinactuallyfailedmathandwas

thoughtafoolforyears.Ifyouevergetdiscouragedbyschool,pleasedon’tdropout. (You’ll live to

regret it.)Justkeeppluggingaway.You’reboundtoeventuallyfindsomethingyouenjoyaboutitorsomethingyoucanexcelat.Ionceinterviewedaheavilyright-brainedkidnamedChriswhosharedhow

longittookhimtofitinatschoolandfindhisniche:

Up until I went to school I was a happy child. Then kids found out thatlearningwasdifficultformeandtheywouldpointandcallmenames.Iwasslow at math, English, and grammar. I remember sitting in class one day,dividedupintogroups,whenagirl inmygroupstoodupandsaid,“I’mnotgoingtoworkwiththatretard,”pointingtome.Itmademefeelterrible.Through grade school and middle school, I could hardly read. A

professional came to our home one day and after putting me through anumberofteststoldmymotherthatIwouldneverbeabletoread.Mymotherwassoangrythatshetoldhimtoleavethehouse.Yearslater,asanewhighschoolstudent,Ipickedupasciencefictionbook

oneday, and tomy surprise itwas suddenly easy to read.The stories in thebook stimulatedmy imaginationand then thewordsweren’twordsanymorebutbecamepicturesinmyhead.IreadallthesubsequentvolumesandthenIstartedtoreadotherbooksandreallygotexcitedaboutreadingandlearning.Igainedabigvocabulary.Istartedspeakingbetterandusinglargerwords.Itwasaboutat this time that Ibegan toexcelat thearts. I learned that I

have an incredible eye for shapes and color. I’ve become gifted withwatercolor, oil, painting, drawing, and design. I can alsowrite well. I writeaboutmyexperiences.Iwritepoetry.Towardtheendofhighschool,Iwonalotofartgalleryshowsandgainedalotofconfidence.

•DON’TLETSCHOOLGETINTHEWAYOFYOUREDUCATIONGradesareimportant,especiallybecausetheyleadtofuturejobandeducation

options.Butthereissomuchmoretoaneducationthangrades.Myfamilyiscomposedofabunchoftechnicalincompetents.Iblamethebad

gene on my dad. Several times I’ve seen him in “technically challenging”situations, likewhenhe liftsupthehoodof thecar(as ifhecouldactuallyfixsomething) orwhen he attempts to change a light bulb. I’vewatched how, inthesetoughsituations,hisbrainliterallyshutsdownandceasestofunction.It’saphenomenon! Being the proactive person that I am, I decided I wanted toovercomemyinheritedweaknessandsoIsignedupforanautomechanicsclassduringmy senior year of high school. I was going to learn how to do an oilchangeifitkilledme.

Believe it or not, I got anA in that class.But I’m ashamed to admit that Ihardlylearnedathing.Yousee,insteadofreallypayingthepricetolearn,Ididalot of watching and not a lot of doing. I never did my assignments. And Icrammed for all the tests, only to forget what I had learned two hours aftertakingthem.Igotthegrade,butIfailedtogetaneducation.Althoughgradesareimportant,becomingtrulyeducatedismoreimportant,so

makesureyoudon’tforgetwhyyou’regoingtoschool.

Over the years, I’ve seen so many people sacrifice their educations for somany stupid reasons, like thinking they don’t need an education, or becomingobsessedwithapart-timejob,agirlfriend,acar,orarockgroup.I’ve also seenmany athletes sacrifice their education on the altar of sports.

I’veoftenbeentemptedtowriteletterstoyoungathleteswhobecomesosports-centered that they completely trash school. In fact, I actuallywroteone, to animaginary athlete.Thoughwritten to an athlete, it could apply to anyonewhocouldn’tcarelessaboutdevelopingtheirmind.

ALETTERTOANUNKNOWN

ATHLETEDear____________:

I’m a big believer in the benefits of athletics.However, after visitingwithyou,Iamshockedtolearnaboutyourattitudetowardschool.Yousayyou’rebankingonaprocareeranddon’tfeeltheneedforan

education.Isayyourchancesofmakingtheprosareaboutasgoodasmydad’schancesofgrowinghishairback.“AyoungstergamblinghisfutureonaprocontractislikeaworkerbuyingasingleIrishSweepstakesticketand then quitting his job in anticipation of hiswinnings.” SenatorBillBradley,aformerNBAstar,saidthat.StudieshaveshownthatonlyoneoutofeveryonehundredhighschoolathleteswillplayDivisionIcollegesports,andthatthechancesofahighschoolplayermakingtheprosareoneintenthousand.OfthehundredsofcollegeathletesIplayedwithincollegewhohoped

tomakethepros,Icanthinkofonlyahandfulwhomadeit.Ontheotherhand,Icanthinkofmanywhowastedtheirmindsinthenameofsports,andwhowerethenthrownintotheworkforcewithoutachanceoraclue.I’llnever forget the timeoneofmy teammatesdeliveredapsyche-up

speechtoourteamthenightbeforeweplayedarivaluniversity.Havingneglectedhiseducationandhavingneverlearnedtoexpresshimself,allhecoulddowasuncorkabarrageofvulgaritiesthatcouldhavecutdownaforest.Inamatterofthreeminutesitseemedhemanagedtousethef-word as a noun, a verb, an adjective, a pronoun, a conjunction, and adanglingparticiple.Ileftthatmeetingthinking,“Man,getabrain!”Openyoureyes!Youreducationisthekeytounlockingyourfuture.Yousayyoudon’tlikeschool.Isay,Whatdoesthathavetodowithit?

Does anything good in life come easy? Do you like working out everyday?Doesamedicalstudentenjoystudyingfor fouryears?Sincewhendoes liking something determine whether or not you should do it?Sometimesyoujusthavetodisciplineyourselftodothingsyoudon’tfeellikedoingbecauseofwhatyouhopetogainfromit.Yousaythatyoutrytositdownandstudybutcan’tbecauseyourmind

begins towander. I say that unless you learn to control yourmind youwon’tamounttosquat.Thedisciplineofthemindisamuchhigherformofdiscipline than thatof thebody. It is one thing to train yourbody toperform at peak levels; it is quite another to control your thoughts, to

concentrate for sustained periods, to synthesize, and to think creativelyandanalytically.Attimessaying“Itry”isalameexcuse.Imaginehowabsurditwould

soundifIaskedyou,“Areyougoingtoeattodayorareyougoingtotrytoeat?”Justdisciplineyourselftodothething.Yousayyoucangetbywithoutstudying,thatbycrammingandfinding

ways tobeat thesystemyoucanpulloutpassinggrades.Isayyoureapwhatyousow.Canthefarmercram?Canheforgettoplanthiscropsinthespring, loafall summer long,and thenworkrealhard in the fall tobringintheharvest?Canyouimproveyourbenchpressbyliftingweightsonce inawhile?Yourbrain isnodifferent thanyourbicep.Toimprovethestrength, speed,andenduranceofyourmind,youmustwork itout.Therearenoshortcuts.Don’texpecttoshowuponedayintheLandofOzandhavetheWizardhandyouabrain.Imagine five sets of hands.One set belongs to a concert pianistwho

canenthrallaudienceswithbeautifulrenditionsof theclassics.Anotherto an eye surgeon who can restore lost vision through microscopicsurgery. Another to a professional golfer who consistently makes theclutch shot under pressure. Another to a blindmanwho can read tinyraisedmarkingsonapageatincrediblespeeds.Anothertoanartistwhocancarvebeautiful sculptures that inspire the soul.On the surface, thehandsmayalllookthesame,butbehindeachsetareyearsandyearsofsacrifice,discipline,andperseverance.Thesepeoplepaidaprice!Doyouthinktheycrammed?Didtheybeatthesystem?Oneofmybiggestregrets in life is that insteadofreading100novels

duringhighschool,IreadabunchofCliffNotessummaries.Incontrast,I have a friendwho during his teen yearsmust have read hundreds ofbooks. His brain can bench-press over four hundred pounds. Why, Iwouldcutoffone…no,twotoesforsuchabrain.If you don’t pay the price you will earn a degree but fail to get an

education.Andthereisabigdifferencebetweenthetwo.Someofourbestthinkersweredegreeless,self-educatedmenandwomen.Howdidtheydoit?Theyread. It’sonly thesinglegreatesthabityoucouldeverdevelop.Yet fewdo it regularly.Andmany stop readingand learningwhen theyfinish school. That spells brain atrophy. Education must be a lifelongpursuit.Thepersonwhodoesn’treadisnobetteroffthanthepersonwhocan’t.Yousayyou live for todayanddon’t thinkabout the future. I say the

majordifferencebetweenyouandyourdog is thatyoucan thinkabout

tomorrowandhecan’t.Don’tmakelong-termcareerdecisionsbasedonshort-termemotions,likethestudentwhochooseshisorhermajorbasedon the shortest registration line. Develop a future orientation; makedecisionswiththeendinmind.Tohaveagoodjobtomorrow,youmustdoyourhomeworktonight.TheProverbsumsupthewholematter:“Takefastholdofinstruction;

lethernotgo:keepher;forsheisthylife.”Youseemtobesayingyoudon’tneedabrain.Isay,getone!IhopeIhaven’toffendedyou.Imeanwell.It’sjustthattenyearsfrom

now, I don’t want you to find yourself singing, as did our friend theScarecrow:

Iwouldnotbejustanothin’,Myheadallfullofstuffin’,…IfIonlyhadabrain.

Thinkaboutit,

SEAN

•POST-HIGHSCHOOLEDUCATIONALOPTIONSDon’tgettooworriedaboutyourmajororareaoffocusinschool.Ifyoucan

simplylearntothinkwell,youwillhaveplentyofcareerandeducationoptionstochoosefrom.Admissionsofficesandcompaniesthatarehiringdon’tcaresomuch aboutwhat youmajored in.Theywant to see evidence that you have asoundmind.Theywillbelookingatseveraldifferentareas:

1. Desire—How badly do you want to get into this particular school orprogram?Howmuchdoyouwantthisjob?

2. Standardized test scores—How well did you score on your ACT, SAT,GRE,LSAT,etc.?

3.Extracurricular—Whatotheractivities(sports,outsidework,clubs,studentgovernment,church,community,etc.)wereyouinvolvedin?

4.Lettersofrecommendation—Whatdootherpeoplethinkofyou?

5.Gradepointaverage—Howwelldidyoudoinschool?

6.Communicationskills—Howwellcanyoucommunicate inwriting(basedonyourapplicationessays)andverbally(basedonaninterview)?

Most important, they justwant to see evidence that youwill succeed at thenext level. IfyourGPAandstandardized test scoresare lower thanyouwouldlike,don’tfeellikeyouhavetosettleforsecondbest.YoucanstillgetadmittedtogreatprogramsorgetanA1jobifyou’restronginotherareas.

Ifyoucansimplylearntothinkwell,youwillhaveplentyofcareerandeducationoptionstochoosefrom.

Also,don’tbescaredoffbyrumorsabouthowharditistogetintocollegeorotherschools.It’susuallynotashardasyoumightthinkifyou’rewillingtoputsomeeffortintoyourapplication.However,itwillbeharderthanthefollowingcollege entrance examwould leadyou tobelieve. (Hey, since Iwas a footballplayer,Ihavetherighttopokefunatmyself.)

COLLEGEENTRANCEEXAM(AdaptedforFootballPlayers)

1.WhatlanguageisspokeninFrance?_______________________

2.WouldyouaskWilliamShakespeareto□buildabridge□sailtheocean□leadanarmy□WRITEAPLAY

3.Whatreligionisthepope?

□Jewish□Catholic□Hindu□Polish□Agnostic

4.WhatarethepeopleinAmerica’sfarnorthcalled?□Westerners□Southerners□Northerners

5.SixkingsofEnglandhavebeencalledGeorge, the last onebeingGeorgetheSixth.Namethepreviousfive.

______________________________________________________________________

6.HowmanycommandmentswasMosesgiven(approximately)?______________

7.CanyouexplainEinstein’sTheoryofRelativity?□yes□no

8.Whatarecoathangersusedfor?______________

9.ExplainLeChatelier’s Principle ofDynamicEquilibriumor spellyournameinCAPITALLETTERS.

______________10. Advancedmath: If you have three apples, howmany apples do youhave?

______________Youmustcorrectlyanswerthreeormorequestionstoqualify.

•MENTALBARRIERSAsyou attempt to build a brain, youwill need to overcome a few barriers.

Herearethreetoconsider:

Screentime. Screentime is any time spent in front of a screen, like a TV,computer,videogame,ormoviescreen.Sometimecanbehealthy,buttoomuchtimechattingontheWeb,playingvideogames,orwatchingTVcannumbyourmind.Didyouknowthat theaverage teenwatchesover twentyhoursofTVaweek?Thatequatestoforty-threedayseachyearandatotalofeightyearsoveralifetime.Goodthingyou’renotaverage!Justthinkwhatyoucoulddowiththoseforty-threedaysannuallyifyouweretospendthemdoingsomethingproductivelikestudyingFrench,ballroomdancing,orcomputerprogramming.Set guidelines for yourself regarding screentime, and don’t let it get out of

hand.Ortrylosingyourremotecontrol.Thatworkstoo.TheNerd Syndrome. Interestingly, some teens don’twant to do toowell in

schoolbecauseothersmightthinkthey’retoostudious(nerds),andstudiousisn’tcool.I’vealsoheardgirlstellmethattheydon’twanttocomeacrossas“brains”becauseitintimidatesguys.Whatwillwethinkofnext,forcryingoutloud?!Ifhaving a mind intimidates someone, that probably tells you something abouttheirownlackofneurons.Takepride inyourmentalabilitiesand thefact thatyouvalueeducation.I,forone,knowalotofwealthyandsuccessfulpeoplewhowereonceconsiderednerds.Pressure.Sometimeswe’rescaredofdoingwellinschoolbecauseofthehigh

expectationsitcreates.Ifwebringhomeagoodreportcardandgetpraisedforit,we’vesuddenlyestablished theexpectation thatwe’lldo itagainandagain.Andthepressurebuilds.Ifwedopoorly,there’snoexpectationandnopressure.

Just remember this: The stress that results from success is much moretolerable than theregret that results fromnot tryingyourbest.Don’tsweat thepressure.Youcandealwithit.

•YOUGOTTAWANNAIntheend,thekeytohoningyourmindwillbeyourdesiretolearn.You’ve

gottareallywantit.You’vegottagetturnedonbylearning.You’vegottapaytheprice. The following story is an example of someone who had an irresistibledrive for learning and who paid a huge price for the simple joy of reading.Readingtothispersonwas“air.”

Thekitchendooropened—andIwascaught,cold.Itwastoolatetohidetheevidence;theproofwasintheopen,plainascouldbe,rightthereinmylap.Myfather,drunk,hisfaceflushed,reeledbeforeme,glowering,menacing.Mylegsstartedtotremble.Iwasnineyearsold.IknewIwouldbebeaten.Therecouldbenoescape;myfatherhadfoundmereading…Analcoholiclikehisparentsbeforehim,myfatherhadhitmebefore,many

timesandharder,andintheyearsthatfollowedhewouldhitmeagain,manytimesandharder,untilfinallyIquithighschoolatsixteenandlefthome.Hispersistent rage about my reading when I was a boy, though, frustrated memorethanallotherabuse; itmademefeelsqueezedinthejawsofaterriblevise,becauseIwouldnot,Icouldnot,stopreading.Iwasdrawntobooksbycuriosityanddrivenbyneed—anirresistibleneedtopretendIwaselsewhere…Thus I defiedmy father—and, as I’ve recalled here, sometimes I paid apriceforthatdefiance.Itwasworthit.

This account was written by Walter Anderson in his book Read with Me.Walter is now a successful editor, serves on the boards of many literacyorganizations,andistheauthoroffourbooks.Waltergoesontowrite:

When I was a child, I lived in a violent household, in a violentneighborhood.But therewasaplace thatIcouldgo—alibrary—andall thelibrariansdidwasencouragemetoread.Icouldopenabook,andIcouldbeanywhere.Icoulddoanything.Icould imaginemyselfoutofaslum.IreadmyselfoutofpovertylongbeforeIworkedmyselfoutofpoverty.

Inthebackofthebook,Ihavecompiledalistoffiftygreatbooksforteens.Takealook.Ifyouhaven’tpaid theprice toeducateyourselfsofar, it’snever toolate to

start. If you can learn to think well, the future will be an open door ofopportunity.It’sallaboutbrainwaves.Getsome.

CaringforYourHeart

Lateoneafternoontherecameaknockatthedoor.“Whocouldthatbe?”I opened the door and there stood my nineteen-year-old younger sister,

heavingandsobbing.“What’swrong?” Iasked, leadingher in,althoughIknewexactlywhatwas

wrong.Thiswasthethirdsob-episodethatmonth.“Heissorude,”shesniveled,wipingherred,swolleneyes.“Ican’tbelievehe

didthattome.Itwassomean.”“Whatdidhedothistime?”Iasked.Ihadheardsomeprettygoodonesand

couldn’twaittohearifthisonewasanybetter.“Well… you know, he askedme to come over to his house to study,” she

whimpered. “Andwhilewewere studying someothergirls came tovisit him.Andheactedlikehedidn’tevenknowme.”“Iwouldn’tworryaboutit,”Isaidwisely.“Iusedtodothatkindofthingall

thetime.”“But I’ve been dating him for two years,” she blubbered. “Andwhen they

askedhimwhoIwas,hetoldthemthatIwashissister.”Ouch!

Letnooneevercometoyouwithoutleavingbetterandhappier.BethelivingexpressionofGod’skindness:

kindnessinyourface,kindnessinyoureyes,kindnessinyoursmile.

MOTHERTERESA

Shewasdevastated.ButIknewthatinjustamatterofhoursordaysshe’dbethinkinghewas thegreatest thingsinceslicedbread.Sureenough,a fewdayslatershewascrazyabouthimalloveragain.Doyoueverfeelthat,likemysister,you’reridinganemotionalrollercoaster,

uponedayanddownthenext?Doyoueverfeelthatyou’rethemoodiestpersonintheworldandthatyoucan’tcontrolyouremotions?Ifyoudo,thenwelcometo the club, because those feelings are pretty normal for teens. You see, yourheartisaverytemperamentalthing.Anditneedsconstantnourishmentandcare,justlikeyourbody.Thebestwaytosharpenthesawandnourishyourheartistofocusonbuilding

relationships,orinotherwords,tomakeregulardepositsintoyourrelationshipbankaccountsandintoyourownpersonalbankaccount.Let’sreviewwhatthosedepositsare.

RBA(RelationshipBankAccount)Deposits•Keeppromises•Dosmallactsofkindness•Beloyal•Listen•Sayyou’resorry•Setclearexpectations

PBA(PersonalBankAccount)Deposits•Keeppromisestoyourself•Dosmallactsofkindness•Begentlewithyourself•Behonest•Renewyourself•Tapintoyourtalents

As you might have noticed, PBA and RBA deposits are very similar. That’sbecausedepositsyoumakeintootherpeople’saccountsusuallyendupinyourownaswell.As you set out each day, look for opportunities tomake deposits and build

lasting friendships. Listen deeply to a friend, parent, brother, or sisterwithoutexpecting anything in return. Give out ten compliments today. Stick up forsomeone.Comehomewhenyoutoldyourparentsyou’dbehome.IlikehowMotherTeresaputit:“Letnooneevercometoyouwithoutleaving

betterandhappier.BethelivingexpressionofGod’skindness:kindnessinyourface, kindness inyour eyes, kindness inyour smile.” If you approach life thisway,alwayslookingforwaystobuildinsteadofteardown,you’llbeamazedathowmuchhappinessyoucangivetoothersandfindforyourself.As you think about caring for your heart, here are a few other points to

consider.

•SEXANDRELATIONSHIPSSaidoneyounggirl,“Idon’tcarewhatkindofrelationshipyouareinorhow

devoutyouare…sexisalwaysintheair.NomatterifyouaresittinginthecaralonewiththatpersonorathomewatchingTV—thequestionhangsintheair.”Sex isaboutawhole lotmore thanyourbody. It’salsoaboutyourheart. In

fact,whatyoudoabout sexmayaffectyour self-imageandyour relationshipswithothersmorethananyotherdecisionyoumake.Beforeyoudecidetohavesexor to continuehaving it, searchyourheart and thinkabout it…carefully.Thefollowingexcerptfromapamphlet,publishedbyJourneyworksPublishing,

shouldhelp.

Think you’re ready to go all the way? Are you sure? Sexually transmittedinfections,unplannedpregnancy,andemotionaldoubtsareallgoodreasonstowait!Beforeyougotoofar,takealookatthislist.Ormakeupyourownwaystofinishthesentence:

You’renotreadytohavesexif…1.Youthinksexequalslove.2.Youfeelpressured.3.You’reafraidtosayno.4.It’sjusteasiertogivein.5.Youthinkeveryoneelseisdoingit.(They’renot!)6.Yourinstinctstellyounotto.7.Youdon’tknowthefactsaboutpregnancy.8.Youdon’tunderstandhowbirthcontrolworks.9.Youdon’tthinkawomancangetpregnantthefirsttime.(Shecan.)

10.Itgoesagainstyourmoralbeliefs.11.Itgoesagainstyourreligiousbeliefs.12.You’llregretitinthemorning.13.Youfeelembarrassedorashamed.14.You’redoingittoprovesomething.15.Youcan’tsupportachild.16.Youcan’tsupportyourself.17.Yourideaofcommitmentisa3-dayvideorental.18.Youbelievesexbeforemarriageiswrong.19. You don’t know how to protect yourself from HIV—the virus thatcausesAIDS.20. You don’t know the signs and symptoms of sexually transmittedinfections(STIs,alsocalledSTDs).21.Youthinkitwillmakeyourpartnerloveyou.22.Youthinkitwillmakeyouloveyourpartner.

23.Youthinkitwillkeepyoutogether.24.Youhopeitwillchangeyourlife.25.Youdon’twantittochangeyourlife.

26.You’renotreadyfortherelationshiptochange.27.You’redrunk.28.Youwishyouweredrunk.29.Yourpartnerisdrunk.30.Youexpectittobeperfect.31.You’lljustdieifit’snotperfect.32.Youcan’tlaughtogetheraboutawkwardelbowsandclumsyclothes.33.You’renotreadytotakeoffyourclothes.34.YouthinkHIVandAIDSonlyhappentootherpeople.35.YouthinkyoucantellwhohasHIVbylookingatthem.36.Youdon’tthinkteensgetHIV.(Theydo.)37. You don’t know that abstinence is the only 100% protection againstsexuallytransmittedinfectionsandpregnancy.38.Youhaven’ttalkedabouttomorrow.39.Youcan’tfacethethoughtoftomorrow.40.You’dbehorrifiedifyourparentsfoundout.41.You’redoingitjustsoyourparentswillfindout.42.You’retooscaredtothinkclearly.43.Youthinkitwillmakeyoumorepopular.

44.Youthinkyou“oweit”toyourpartner.45.Youthinkit’snotOKtobeavirgin.46.You’reonlythinkingaboutyourself.47.You’renotthinkingaboutyourself.48.Youcan’twaittotelleveryoneaboutit.49.Youhopenoonewillhearaboutit.50.Youreallywishthewholethinghadnevercomeup.

It’sOKtoWait.ExcerptedfromYou’reNotReadytoHaveSexIf…Copyright1996JourneyworksPublishing,SantaCruz,CA.Reprintedwithpermission.

You’reGonnaMakeItIt’s totally normal to feel depressed at times. But there is a big difference

betweenacaseof thebluesandsustaineddepression.If lifehasbecomearealpain for a longperiodof timeandyoucan’t seem to shakeoff that feelingofhopelessness, things are serious. Fortunately, depression is treatable. Don’thesitatetogethelp,eitherfrommedicationorfromtalkingwithsomeonewhoistrainedtodealwiththeseissues.Ifyouarehavingthoughtsofsuicide,pleaselistencloselytowhatI’msaying.

Holdon fordear life.You’regonnamake it.Lifewillgetbetter…Ipromise.Youareworthmillionsandyouareneeded.Badtimeswillpass…theyalwaysdo.Somedayyouwill lookbackonyoursituationandbegladyouheldon,aswasthecasewiththisyounglady:

Iamoneofthemanyyoungpeoplewhocomesfromawonderfulhomeandreally don’t have any reason to have gotten into trouble.But I did.Friendsbecamevery important tome in juniorhighandhigh school, andhome lifeseemedveryboring.Icouldn’twaittogetoutofthereeverydayjusttobewithmybuddiesandhangout.WithintwoyearsIprobablytriedeveryviceinthebook,anditdidn’tmakemefeelanybetter.Onthecontrary.Ibeganhavingtroubleevencominghome.Itwasalmosttoopainfultowalk

intothatsunny,peacefulhousewitharomasofgoodcooking.Theyallseemedsodarngoodandperfect,andIfeltlikeIcouldn’tfulfilltheirexpectations.Isomehowdidn’tfitin.Iwasnotlivingalifetheywereproudof,andIwouldjustmakethemunhappy.IbegantowishIwasdead.Thenthethoughtledto

actualsuicideattempts.I kept a journal and it really scaresme today to see how close I came to

endingitall.Today,justafewyearslater,IamincollegegettingstraightA’s,Ihaveahappy social life, Ihaveaboyfriendwho lovesmeverymuch,and Ihave a great relationship with my family. I have so many plans, so manythingsIamgoingtodo.Ilovelife,Ihavesomuchtolivefor,IcannotbelievethatIeverfeltdifferent,butIdid.Ittookseveralseriouswake-upcallstomakemerealizethatIcouldbedifferent.ThankheavensI’mstillhere.

Remember that the struggles you are now facing will eventually become agreatsourceofstrengthforyou.AsthephilosopherKahlilGibranwrote:“Thatself-same well from which our laughter rises was often times filled with ourtears.Thedeeperthatsorrowcarriesintoourbeing,themorejoyitcancontain.”(PleaserefertothehotlinesandWebsitesinthebackofthisbookifyouneedhelp.)

•LAUGHORYOU’LLCRYAfterallissaidanddone,thereisonelastkeytokeepingyourhearthealthy

andstrong. Just laugh.That’s right…laugh.Hakunamatata!Don’tworry,behappy!Sometimeslifejuststinksandthere’snotmuchyoucandotochangeit,soyoumightaswelllaugh.It’stoobadthatasweagewetendtoforgetwhatmadechildhoodsomagical.

Onestudyshowedthatbythetimeyoureachkindergarten,youlaughabout300timesaday.Incontrast,thetypicaladultlaughsawimpyseventeentimesaday.Nowonder childrenare somuchhappier!Whyarewe so serious?Maybe it’sbecausewe’vebeentaughtthatlaughingtoomuchischildish.ToquotethegreatJedimaster,Yoda,“Youmustunlearnwhatyouhavelearned.”Wemustlearntolaughagain.IreadthemostfascinatingarticlebyPeterDoskochaboutthepowerofhumor

inPsychologyToday.Theseweresomeofhiskeyfindings:

Laughter:•Loosensupthementalgearsandhelpsusthinkmorecreatively•Helpsuscopewiththedifficultiesoflife•Reducesstresslevels•Relaxesusasitlowersourheartrateandbloodpressure• Connects us with others and counteracts feelings of alienation, amajorfactorindepressionandsuicide

•Releasesendorphins,thebrain’snaturalpainkillers

Laughterhasalsobeenshowntopromotegoodhealthandspeedhealing.I’veheardseveralaccountsofpeoplewhohealed themselves fromserioussicknessthrough heavy doses of laughing therapy. Laughter can also help heal injuredrelationships. As entertainer Victor Borge put it, “Laughter is the shortestdistancebetweentwopeople.”If you’re not laughing much, what can you do to start again? I suggest

developing your own “humor collection,” a collection of books, cartoons,videos,ideas—whateverisfunnytoyou.Then,wheneveryou’refeelingdown,or taking yourselfway too seriously, visit your collection. For example, I likestupidmovies.Thereareafewactorswhomakemelaughjustatthethoughtofthem.Ihaveboughtmanyoftheirlow-budgetmoviesandwatchthemwheneverI need to “lighten up.” Similarly, my brother Stephen has one of the largestcollectionsofTheFarSide cartoonseverknown toman.Heclaims that thesecartoonshavekepthimfromgoinginsaneduringhigh-stressperiods.Learn to laugh at yourself when strange or stupid things happen to you,

because theywill.As someone once said, “One of the best things people canhaveuptheirsleeveisagoodfunnybone.”

CaringforYourSoul

Whatisitthatmovesyoursoul?Agreatmovie?Agoodbook?Haveyoueverseenamoviethatmadeyoucry?Whatwasitthatgottoyou?Whatdeeplyinspiresyou?Doesmusic?Art?Beinginnature?

By soul, I mean that inner self that lurks far below the surface of youreverydayself.Yoursoulisyourcenter,whereinlieyourdeepestconvictionsandvalues. It is the source for purpose,meaning, and inner peace.Sharpening thesaw in the spiritual area of life means taking time to renew and awaken thatinnerself.AsthefamousauthorPearlS.Buckwrote,“Insidemyselfisaplacewhere I live all alone and that’swhereyou renewyour springs that never dryup.”

HowtoFeedYourSoulAs a teenager, I got strength fromwriting inmy journal, listening to good

music,andspendingtimealoneinthemountains.Thiswasmywayofrenewingmy soul, although I didn’t thinkof it thatway at the time. I also got strengthfrom inspiring quotes, such as this one by past U.S. Secretary of AgricultureEzraTaftBenson:“MenandwomenwhoturntheirlivesovertoGodwillfindoutthatHecan

make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He will deepen their joys,expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift theirspirits,multiplytheirblessings,increasetheiropportunities,andpouroutpeace.”Your soul is a very private area of your life. Naturally, there are many

differentwaystofeedit.Hereareafewideassharedbyteens:

•Meditating•Servingothers•Writinginmyjournal

•Goingforawalk•Readinginspiringbooks•Drawing•Praying•Writingpoetryormusic•Thinkingdeeply•Listeningtoupliftingmusic•Playingamusicalinstrument•Practicingareligion•TalkingtofriendsIcanbemyselfwith•Reflectingonmygoalsormissionstatement

Hereareacoupleofsoul-nourishingtechniquestoespeciallyconsider.

•GETTINGBACKTONATUREThere is something magical about getting into nature that just can’t be

matched. Even if you live in a downtown area far removed from rivers,mountains,orbeaches, therewillusuallybeaparknearbythatyoucanvisit. Ionce interviewed a young man named Ryan who learned about the healingpowersofMotherNatureinthemidstofareallymesseduphomelife.

At one point during high school, I went through a dark period where itseemedthateverythingjustcavedin.That’swhenIfoundtheriverhole.Itwasjustabankoff insometrees in thebackofanoldfarmer’splaceanddidn’tlook like much. But it became my escape. There was no one around, youcouldn’thearpeople.Itwasbeautiful.Justswimmingaroundmademefeelatpeacewithnature.AnytimeIwasstressedoutI’dgothere.Itwaslikemylifecouldcomebacktonormal.Somepeopleturntoorganizedreligionfordirection,butit’sbeenhardfor

metoturntoreligion.IdohaveareligionandI’mstronginit.Butsometimesit’s justhard forme togetupandgo to church,because Igoandeveryonesays,“Oh,justbehappy.Itwillallworkout.Justhavefaith.Thingswillworkoutwithyour family.” I just think that’sbull.C’mon.Familiesdon’talwaysworkout.Myfamily’sallmessedup.Butbygoingto theriver, thatplacedidn’t judgeme.Thatplacedidn’t tell

me what to do. It was just there. And by following its example, thepeacefulness and the serenity that existed there, that’s all I needed to calm

thingsdown.Itmademefeellikeeverythingwasgoingtoworkout.

•ATEEN’SBESTFRIENDLikegetting intonature, keeping a journal candowonders for your soul. It

can become your solace, your best friend, the only placewhere you can fullyexpressyourselfnomatterhowangry,happy, scared, lovecrazed, insecure,orconfusedyoufeel.Youcanpouryourheartoutinyourjournalanditwilljustsitthereandlisten.Itwon’ttalkback.Anditwon’ttalkbehindyourback.Writingdownyourunedited thoughtscanclearyourmind,boostyourconfidence, andhelpyoufindyourself.Keepingajournalwillalsostrengthenyourtoolofself-awareness.It’sfunand

enlightening to read past entries and realize how much you’ve grown, howstupidandimmatureyouoncesounded,orhowcaughtupyouwerewithsomeboyorgirl.Onegirltoldmeabouthowreadingheroldjournalentriesgavehertheinsighttokeepfromreturningtoherformerabusiveboyfriend.

There is no formal way to keep a journal. Feel free to paste inmementos,ticketstubs,lovenotes,andanythingelsethatwillpreserveamemory.Myoldjournalsarefullofpoorart,badpoetry,andstrangesmells.A journal is just a formal name for putting your thoughts down on paper.

Thereareothernamesand forms.Allisonwrites littlenotes toherself that shekeepsinaspecialboxshecallshersacredbox.Kairerenewsherselfbykeepinga“gratitudebook”:

Ihaveabookthathelpsmetobemorepositiveinlife.Icallitmygratitudebook. In this book, I write down something I’m grateful for or somethingpositive thathappened tomeduring theday.Thisbookhaschangedmy life

and totallyput things intoperspective,because I try topickoutall thegoodthingsthathappenandnotthebad.Thisisnotlikeajournalwhereyouwritewhathappens,bothgoodandbad.Istillkeepajournal,butthisisdifferent.Ihave a page ofmy favorite songs, favorite touches (brother’s hug), favoritesounds (Mom’s laugh), favorite feels (cool breeze), and so on. I also writedown small things like, “Brian offered to clear the table forme,” or “Johnwent out of his way to say hello tome today.” These thingsmake you feelgood. I lookbackat thisbookandremember thesegood thingsand thebadthingsareforgotten,erasedandgone.Theycan’taffectmeanymore.I’vegivenabook toothersand theysay ithasreallyhelped them.It’smy

wayof saying,“You’re theonlyonewhocanmakeyouhappy—nooneelsecan.”

•YOURSPIRITUALDIETI’veoftenwonderedwhatwouldhappentosomeonewhodrankandateonly

softdrinksandchocolate forseveralyearsstraight.Whatwould they lookandfeellikeafterawhile?Probablylikescum.Butwhydowethinktheresultwouldbeanydifferent ifwefedoursouls trashforseveralyearsstraight?You’renotonlywhatyoueat,you’realsowhatyoulistento,read,andsee.Moreimportantthanwhatgoesintoyourbodyiswhatgoesintoyoursoul.Sowhatisyourspiritualdiet?Areyoufeedingyoursoulnutrients,orareyou

loadingitwithnuclearwaste?Whatkindofmediadoyouallowyourselftotakein?Haveyouevereventhoughtaboutit?You see, we swim in aworld ofmedia and don’t even know it. Try going

“media-free” for just one day and you’ll see what I mean—one day withoutlistening to any music, watching any TV or videos, reading any books ormagazines,surfingtheWeb,orreadingabillboard(that’smediatoo).You’llfindit’svirtuallyimpossible,andyoumayevendevelopseverewithdrawalpains.Takemusic, for example. Studies show that the average teen listens to four

hoursofmusicaday.That’salotoftunes!Whenyouwakeupinthemorning,whatdoyoudo?Youturnonyourradioorstereo.Thenyoujumpintoyourcarandwhatdoyoudo?Youget angrywithyourparents, run toyour room, andwhat do you do? Can you imagine watching a commercial, TV program, ormoviethatisn’taccompaniedbymusic?Now,ifyouthinkthemediadoesn’taffectyou,justthinkaboutyourfavorite

songandwhat it does toyour emotions.Or thinkabout the last timeyou sawhalf-nakedmembersoftheoppositesexwigglingalloverthescreenorpicturedon thepage.Or thinkback to the lastbottleofshampooyoubought.Whydid

youbuyit?Probablybecauseoftheinfluenceofathirty-secondTVcommercialoraone-pagemagazinead.Andifaone-pageadcansellabottleofshampoo,don’tyouthinkafull-lengthmovie,magazine,orCDcansellalifestyle?Likemostthings,thereisalightandadarksidetothemedia.Andyouneed

tochoosewhatyou’regoingtoallowin.Myonlysuggestionis tofollowyourconscienceandtotreatyoursoulwiththesamerespectthatanOlympicathletewouldtreathisorherbody.Forexample,ifthemusicyoulistentoorthemoviesyouwatchmakeyoufeeldepressed,angry,dark,violent,orlikeyou’reinheat,thenguesswhat?That’sprobablyasign that they’re trash,andyoudon’tneedtrash.Ontheotherhand,iftheymakeyoufeelrelaxed,happy,inspired,hopeful,or peaceful, then keep taking them.You’ll eventually becomewhat you view,hear,andread,socontinuallyaskyourselfthequestion“DoIwantthistobepartofme?”

•YOU’REDISTURBINGMYSLEEPIranacrossaletterfromtheYO!(YouthOutlook)Websitewrittenbyagirl

namedLadieTerrywhowasfedupwithall the trashonmusic television.Sheaddressed the letter to “the sisterswho like to grind theirway acrossmy TVscreen.”Bypermission,I’veincludedpartsofithere.

Iguessit’sexcitingbeinginamusicvideo.Butdoyouknowhowyouareaffectingthemindsandlivesofyoursisters?Doyouthinkabouttheyoungersisters,wholearnfastandemulateyou?Haveyounoticedthe12-and13-year-oldsdolledup to look like20-year-olds?Orare timessohard thatyoudon’tcarewhoyouhurt?I used to argue with my ex-boyfriend about watching BET and MTV,

because the majority of the videos consisted of not-even-half-naked girlswigglingandjigglinglikeabowlofJell-O…ithurtmetoseemyex-boyfriendinadazewithhiseyesmovingupanddown…

Myneighborused to tellmewhenshewouldwatchmusicvideoswithherboyfriendhewouldsaytoher,“That’showyourbodyshouldlook.”Anotherfriend,whois16,saysboysaskher,“Whycan’tyoudancelikethat?”WhyareyouonTVintight,shortclothing,movingyourbodiesaroundlike

you are freaks?…You sisters are very, very beautiful. You don’t have toundress for success, or to get some attention. You want brothers to respectyou?Showthemwhytheyshouldthroughyourelegant,conservativedress—thenbackupyourreasoningwithyourwords.Thewayyoudresstellspeoplewhat isonyourmind…whenyouupgradeyourappearanceandyourmindset,alotofbrotherswillupgradetheirtreatmentofyou.Sostopcompetingtoseewhoisfreakier thanthenext,andgetyourmind

outofthebedroom,becauseyouaredisturbingmysleep.

•FRIEDFROGSAddictions of all kinds—whether it’s to drugs, gossiping, shopping,

overeating,orgambling—havecommoncharacterisitcs.Addiction:

•Createsshort-termpleasure•Becomestheprimaryfocusofyourlife•Temporarilyeliminatespain•Givesanartificial senseofself-worth,power,control, security,andintimacy•Worsenstheproblemsandfeelingsyouaretryingtoescapefrom

One of the more subtle but dangerous addictions is pornography, and it’savailableeverywhere.Now,youcanargueallyouwantaboutwhatpornographyisandisn’t,butIthinkthatdeepinyourheartyouknow.Pornographymaytastesweetforthemoment,butitwillgraduallydullyourfinersensitivities,likethatinnervoicecalledyourconscience,untilit’ssmothered.Youmaybethinking,“Takeiteasy,Sean.Alittleskinisn’tgoingtohurtme.”

Theproblemisthatpornography,likeanyotheraddiction,sneaksuponyou.ItremindsmeofastoryIoncereadaboutfrogs.Ifyouputafroginboilingwater,it will immediately jump out. But if you put it in lukewarm water and thenslowlyturnuptheheat,thefrogwillgetcookedbeforeithasthesensetojumpout.It’sthesamewithpornography.Whatyoulookattodaymayhaveshockedyouayearago.Butbecausetheheatwaseversoslowlyturnedup,youdidn’tevennoticethatyourconsciencewasbeingfried.Havethecouragetowalkaway,toturnitoff,tothrowitaway.Youarebetter

thanthat.Aboysharedthis:

During the summerbetweenmy juniorand senior yearsofhigh school, Iworked foraconstructioncompany.Oneday thebossaskedme tocheckonsomethingwiththebuildingsupervisorwhohadhisofficeonthejobsiteinaworktrailer.WhenIwalkedintothetrailertherewerepornographicpicturespostedon

allthewalls.Foraminute,IforgotwhatIhadgoneintheretoasktheguys,becausemyattentionwas drawn to the pictures. It struck an interest inme.WhenIleftthetrailerIstartedthinking,wherecanIbuythisstuffsoIcanseemoreofit?Isoonfoundaplacethatsoldthem.Atfirst,whenI lookedat them,I feltverynervousanduneasy inside, like

whatIwasdoingwaswrong,butitdidn’ttakemelongtogetaddictedtoit.Itbegantoconsumemeto thepointwhereIwasnot thinkingofanythingelse—myfamily,orwork,orsleep.Istartedtothinkandfeellowerofmyself.During breaks at work, we would go to someone’s vehicle, and someone

wouldpull out amagazine, andwewould laughabout it and carryon.Theguysthatweredeeplyinvolvedinitwerenotsatisfiedwithjustlooking.Theywouldtalkaboutallthegirlstheyhadsleptwithandtheydidn’tseemtocareabout anything else in life.Thatwas all their conversationswere about, themagazines,films,andsex.Lateoneafternoon,asIwasworking,Iheardsomeofmyco-workersstart

whistling and calling out rude sexual remarks. I looked up to see what thecommotion was, and there wasmy younger sister just getting out from herVolkswagenbug, lookingforme.Ioverheardsomeonesay,“I’d like togeta

pieceofthat!”Iturnedangrilyandsaid,“Shutup!That’smylittlesister!”Iwassodisgusted.Ileftthejob,justbeforequittingtime,anddrovearound

forawhilebymyself.Ijustkeptthinkingabouthowhurtmysisterlooked,tobetreatedsohorridlywhenherintentionshadbeensoinnocent.Thenextday,whenIwentbacktothejob,andtheguyspassedaroundthe

magazines,Igotupandmoved.Atfirstittookalotofstrength,butasIdiditmoreandmore,itbecameeasier.Whenconversationsstartedthatwerecrudeanddistasteful,Iwouldwalkawayandgosomeplaceelse.Ididn’tthinkitwasamusinganymore.Irealizedtheyweretalkingaboutsomebody’ssister.

•GETREALAsweclosethischapter, letmejustshareacoupleoffinal thoughts.Ionce

wastalkingtoagirlnamedLarissaaboutsharpeningthesaw,andshegavemeanearful.“Getreal,Sean.Whohastime?I’matschoolallday,Ihaveactivitiesafterschool,andIstudyallnight.Ineedtogetgoodgradestogetintocollege.What am I supposed to do, go to bed early and then fail my math testtomorrow?”Letmejustsaythis.Thereisatimeforeverything.Atimetobebalancedand

atimetobeimbalanced.Therearetimeswhenyou’llneedtogowithoutmuchsleepandpushyourbodytoitslimit,foraday,aweek,oraseason.Andtherewill be timeswhen eating junk food out of the vendingmachine is your onlyalternativetostarving.Thisisreallife.Buttherearealsotimesforrenewal.Ifyougotoohardfortoolong,youwon’tthinkasclearly,you’llgetcranky,

and you’ll begin to lose perspective. You may think you don’t have time toexercise,buildfriendships,orgetinspired.Inreality,youdon’thavetimenotto.Thedowntimeyouspendsharpeningyoursawwillpayyoubackimmediately,’causewhenyouresumeyournormalroutine,you’llcutthatmuchfaster.

YouCanDoItYou’reprobablyalreadydoingalotofsawsharpeningwithoutevenknowing

it.Ifyou’reworkinghardatschool,you’resharpeningyourmind.Ifyou’reintoathletics or fitness, you’re caring for your body. If you’reworking to developfriendships, you’re nourishing your heart. Often you can sharpen the saw inmorethanoneareaatonce.Melanieoncetoldmehow,forher,horsebackridingdidthis.Thephysicalnatureofridingexercisedherbody.Thinkingdeeplywhileridingexercisedhermind.Andbeing innaturenurturedhersoul. I thenaskedher,“Whataboutrelationships?Howdoesridingdevelopyourheart?”Shesaid,

“Igetclosertomyhorse.”Well,Iguesshorsescanbepeopletoo.Sharpeningthesawwon’tjusthappentoyou.Sinceit’saQuadrant2activity

(importantbutnoturgent),youhavetobeproactiveandhappentoit.Thebestthingtodoistotakeouttimeeachdaytosharpenthesaw,evenifit’sonlyforfifteenorthirtyminutes.Someteenssetapartaspecifictimeeachday—earlyinthemorning,afterschool,orlateatnight—tobealone,tothink,ortoexercise.Others like todo it on theweekends.There’snoone rightway—so findwhatworksforyou.AbrahamLincolnwasonceasked,“Whatwouldyoudoifyouhadeighthours

tocutdowna tree?”Hereplied,“I’dspend thefirst fourhourssharpeningmysaw.”

COMINGATTRACTIONS

You’lllikethenextchapterbecauseit’srealshort.Youmightaswelljustfinishthebookrightnow!

BABYSTEPSBody

1Eatbreakfast.2Start an exercise program today and do it faithfully for 30 days.Walk,run,swim,bike,rollerblade,liftweights,etc.Choosesomethingyoureally

enjoy.

3Giveupabadhabitforaweek.Gowithoutalcohol,sodapop,friedfoods,donuts,chocolate,orwhateverelsemaybehurtingyourbody.Aweeklater,seehowyoufeel.

Mind4Subscribetoamagazinethathassomeeducationalvalue,suchasPopularMechanicsorNationalGeographic.5Readanewspapereveryday.Payspecialattentiontotheheadlinestoriesandtheopinionspage.6 The next time you go on a date, visit a museum or eat at an ethnicrestaurantyou’veneverbeentobefore.Expandyourhorizons.

Heart7Goonaone-on-oneoutingwithafamilymemberlikeyourmomoryourbrother.Catchaballgame,seeamovie,goshopping,orgetanicecream.

8 Begin today to build your humor collection. Cut out your favoritecartoons,buyhilariousmovies,orstartyourowncollectionofgreatjokes.Innotime,you’llhavesomethingtogotowhenyou’refeelingstressed.

Soul9Watchthesunsettonightorgetupearlytowatchthesunrise.10Ifyouhaven’talreadydoneit,startkeepingajournaltoday.

11Taketimeeachdaytomeditate,reflectuponyourlife,orpray.Dowhatworksforyou.

*TheRefusalSkill™isatrademarkofComprehensiveHealthEducationFoundation(C.H.E.F.®),and The Refusal Skill™ model is copyrighted by C.H.E.F.®, Seattle, WA. Any duplication isprohibitedwithoutexpressedwrittenpermissionfromC.H.E.F.®PermissiongrantedforthisusebyC.H.E.F.Allrightsreserved.

KeepHopeAlive!KID,YOU’LLMOVEMOUNTAINS

Several years ago the Reverend Jesse Jackson spoke at the DemocraticNationalConvention.Hedeliveredapowerfulmessage thatset theconventionon fire.Heusedonly threewords: “Keephope alive.Keephope alive!KEEPHOPEALIVE!”

He kept saying these samewords over and over and over forwhat seemedforever. The crowd swelledwith applause.You could feel the sincerity in hisvoice.Heinspiredeveryone.Hecreatedhope.That’swhyIwrotethisbook…togiveyouhope!Hopethatyoucanchange,

kick an addiction, improve an important relationship. Hope that you can findanswers to your problems and reach your fullest potential. So what if yourfamilylifestinks,you’refailingschool,andtheonlygoodrelationshipyouhaveiswithyourcat(andlatelyshe’sbeenlettingyoudown).Keephopealive!

SobesurewhenyoustepStepwithcareandgreattactAndrememberthatlife’sAGreatBalancingAct.Andwillyou

succeed?Yes!Youwill,indeed!(98and3/4percentguaranteed)Kid,you’llmovemountains.

DR.SEUSSFROMOH,THEPLACESYOU’LLGO

If,afterreadingthisbook,youfeeloverwhelmedanddon’thaveacluewheretostart,I’dsuggestdoingthis:Thumbthrougheachchapterquicklyforthekeyideas,oraskyourself,“WhichhabitamIhavingthemostdifficulttimeliving?”Then choose just two or three things to work on (don’t get overzealous andchoosetwenty).Writethemdownandputtheminaplacewhereyoucanreviewthemoften.Thenlettheminspireyoueachday,notsendyouonaguilttrip.

You’ll be amazed at the results a few small changes can bring. Gradually,you’ll increase in confidence, you’ll feel happier, you’ll get high “naturally,”yourgoalswillbecomerealities,yourrelationshipswillimprove,andyou’llfeelatpeace.Itallbeginswithasinglestep.If therewasahabitorideathatreallyhithome,suchasBeProactiveorthe

Relationship Bank Account, the best way to internalize it is to teach it tosomeoneelsewhileit’sstillfreshinyourmind.Walkthemthroughitusingyourown examples and words. Who knows, maybe you’ll get them fired up andthey’llwanttoworkwithyou.If you ever find yourself sliding or falling short, don’t get discouraged.

Remember the flight of an airplane.Whenan airplane takesoff it has a flightplan.However,duringthecourseoftheflight,wind,rain,turbulence,airtraffic,human error, and other factors keep knocking the plane off course. In fact, aplaneisoffcourseabout90percentofthetime.Thekeyisthatthepilotskeepmakingsmallcoursecorrectionsbyreadingtheirinstrumentsandtalkingtothecontroltower.Asaresult,aplanereachesitsdestination.Ifyoukeepgettingknockedoffyourflightplanandfeelasthoughyou’reoff

course90percentofthetime…sowhat?Ifyoujustkeepcomingbacktoyour

plan, keep making small adjustments, and keep hope alive, you’ll eventuallyreachyourdestination.Well, this is the end of the book. Thank you for journeying with me, and

congratulationsonfinishing.IjustwantyoutoknowthatItrulybelieveinyourfuture.Youaredestinedforgreatthings.Alwaysremember,youwerebornwitheverything you need to succeed. You don’t have to look anywhere else. Thepowerandlightisinyou!Beforesigningoff,I’dliketoleaveyouwithafavoritequoteofmine,byBob

Moawad,whichsumsitallup.Iwishyouallthebest.Sayonara.

Youcan’tmakefootprintsinthesandsoftimebysittingonyourbutt.Andwhowantstoleavebuttprintsinthesandsoftime?

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Theysaythatwritingabookis likeeatinganelephant.Forsomereasonthetwo years I spent writing this book felt more like eating an entire herd ofelephants. Luckily, I didn’t have to eat them all bymyself. Thereweremanyotherswhocontributedinmanywaystomakethisbookpossible.Iwouldliketothankeachofthem:Thankyou,AnnieOswald,forbeingtheultimateprojectleaderandforyour

tirelessness, leadership, and initiative. Without a doubt, you were the key tomakingthisbookwhatitis.Thankyou,TrevorWalker,foryour“can-do”attitudeandforhelpingmeget

thisbookoffthegroundinthebeginning.Thank you, Jeanette Sommer, for your unusual level of dedication to this

projectandforsomehowalwaysfindingthatimpossiblestory.Thankyou,PiaJensen,forcontributingasacoreteammemberforovertwo

yearsandforyouroutstandingstories.Thankyou,GregLink,forbeingabrilliantdealmakerandagoodfriend,and

forleadingthePRandmarketingefforts.Thank you, Catherine Sagers, my sister, for your great work on the “baby

steps”andforcontributinginmanyotherways.XOXOThankyou,CynthiaHaller,myoldest sister and the “motherhen,” foryour

superbeditorialassistance,stories,andideas.XOXOThankyou,MarkPett,forbeingthecreativemindbehindthemajorityofthe

illustrationsinthebookandforcontributingseveralillustrations.Thank you, Eric Olson (the book’s primary illustrator) and Ray Kuik (the

book’sArtDirector)ofRaeberGraphics, Inc., foryourcreativegeniusandforfulfillingmyvisionofmakingthisbookavisualfeast.AllIcansayaboutyouguysis“Wow!”Thankyou,DebraLund,JaneenBullock,andteam,foryourproactiveefforts

incollectingallthoselovelyendorsements.Thankyou,TonyContosandteamatJolietTownshipHighSchoolinIllinois,

forservingasourprimarytestsite.(Tony,yourconstantencouragementkeptmeafloat.) In particular, thanks to Sandy Contos, Flora Betts, Barbara Pasteris,GloriaMartinez, Linda Brisbin, Susan Graham, John Randich, Lynn Vaughn,JenniferAdams,MarieBlunk,CatheGhilain,MarvinReed,BonnieBadurski,Judy Bruno, Richard Dobbs, Pat Sullivan, Shawna Kocielko, Reasie

McCullough, Nichole Nelson, Michael Stubler, Nichol Douglas, JosephFacchina,KaatrinaVoss,JoyDenewellis,JordanMcLaughlin,AllisonYanchick,StephenDavis,ChrisAdams,NealBrockett,andMarishaPasteris.Thankyou,RitaElliotandtheotherstaffmembersandstudentsoftheNorth

Carolina Legislator’s School, for your insights and interviews. Specifically,thankstoKiaHardy,NatarshaSanders,CrystalHall,TarrickCox,AdamSosne,HeatherSheehan,TaraMcCormick,andTerrenceDove.Thankyou,KayJensenandtheSanpeteChildAbusePreventionTeam,forso

courageouslysharingyourstories.ThankstotheHeritageSchooladministration,faculty,andstudents.Thank you, Cindi Hanson and the Timpview High School Executive Tech

class, forallowingme to teachyou the7Habits. Inparticular, thanks toKristiBorland, Spencer Clegg, Kelli Klein, Jennie Feitz, Brittney Howard, TiffanySmith,BeckyTanner,KaylynEllis,RachelLitster,MelissaGourley,T.J.Riskas,WillieMorrell,BrandonKraus, StephanHeilner,MonicaMoore, andAmandaValgardson.Thank you, students of Utah Valley High Schools, for your important

participation in numerous focus groups. In particular, thanks to Ariel Amata,Brett Atkinson, Amy Baird, David Beck, Sandy Blumenstock, Megan Bury,Brittany Cameron, Laura Casper, Estee Christensen, Ryan Clark, CarlaDomingues, Ryan Edwards, Jeff Gamette, Katie Hall, Liz Jacob, Jeff Jacobs,Jeremy Johnson, JoshuaKautz,ArianLewis,LeeLewis,MarcoLopez,AaronLund,HarlinMitchell,KristiMyrick,ChrisNibley,WhitneyNoziska,DianneOrcutt,LeisyOswald,LaneyOswald,JordanPeterson,GeoffReynolds,JasmineSchwerdt, JosieSmith,HeatherSommer, JeremySommer,SteveStrong,MarkSullivan,LarissaTaylor,CallieTrane,KelliMaureenWells,KristiWoodworth,andLaceyYates.Thankstothemanyspeakers,authors,andyouthleadersthatassistedinone

way or another, namely Brettne Shootman, Mona Gayle Timko, James E.H.Collins, Brenton G. Yorgason, James J. Lynch, Matt Clyde, Dan Johnson,DeborahMangum,PatO’Brien,JasonDorsey,MattTownsend,VanessaMoore,Dr.CherylGholar,andJohnBythewayandPremierSchoolAgendaandteam.Aspecialthankstoallthosewhocontributedinterviewsandstories,including

JackieGago,SaraDuquette,AndyFries,ArthurWilliams,ChristopherWilliams,Tiffany Tuck, Dave Boyer, Julie Anderson, Liz Sharp, Renon Hulet, DawnMeeves,ChrisLenderman,JacobSommer,KaraSommer,SarahClements,JeffClements, Katie Sharp, Brian Ellis, Donald Childs, Heidi Childs, PatriciaMyrick, Naurice Moffett, Sydney Hulse, Mari Nishibu, Andrew Wright, JenCall, Lena Ringheim Jensen, Bryan Hinschberger, Spencer Brooks, Shannon

Lynch, Allison Moses, Erin White, Bryce Thatcher, Dermell Reed, ElizabethJacob, TawniOlson, Ryan Edwards, RyanCasper, Hilda Lopez, TaronMilne,ScottWilcox,MarkC.Mcpherson,IgorSkender,HeatherHoehne,StacyGreer,Daniel Ross, Melissa Hannig, Colleen Petersen, Joe Jeagany, Tiffany StokerMadsen, Lorilee Richardson, Stephanie Busbey, Robert Clack, Adkins Jones,Todd Lucas, Andrea McNear, Mary Beth Sylvester, Dr. Cheryl Gholar, andVanessaMoore.Andfinally,thankyoutothehundredsofotherswhocontributedindifferent

ways.

INFOCENTRAL

You or a friend or loved one may be in a situation and feel hopeless orconfusedaboutwhattodo.Therearemanypeopleouttherewhowanttohelp.Youdon’thavetodoitalone.PleasecallorvisittheWebsiteslistedbelow.Allthenumbersaretollfree—youcancallfromhomeorfromapayphoneanditwon’tcostyouanything.Ifyoudon’tgetthekindofhelpyouwantorneedwiththefirstphonecallorvisit,pleasetryagain.Remember:KeepHopeAlive!

SubstanceAbuseIfyoususpectthatyoumaybedrinkingtoomuchandyoudon’tknowwhatto

do, call the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependency Hopeline............1-800-NCA-CALL

Ifyouareworriedaboutafamilymemberorfriendwhodrinkstoomuchandarenotsurehowyoucanhelp,callAl-Anon/Alateen............1-800-356-9996

Ifyouorafriendareusingillegaldrugsorabusinganydrugandyoudon’tknowwhomtotalkto,call............1-800-662-4357

Forinformationaboutdrugs,alcohol,andtobaccocall:TheAmericanCouncilforDrugEducation............1-800-488-DRUGTheAmericanLungAssociation............1-800-LUNG-USACocaineAnonymousNationalReferralLine............1-800-347-8998

YoumayalsowanttovisittheseWebsitesformoreinformation:MarijuanaAnonymous:............http://www.marijuana-anonymous.org/CocaineAnonymousWorldServices:............http://www.ca.org/NarcoticsAnonymous:............http://www.wsoinc.comComprehensiveAddictionProgramsInc.:............http://www.helpfinders.comPartnership for a DrugFree America:

............http://www.drugfreeamerica.org//

EatingDisordersIfyoususpectthatyouoroneofyourfriendsmayhaveanorexia,bulimia,oranovereating disorder and you want to get help, call the National Youth Crisis

Hotline(forreferralnotcounseling)............1-800-448-4663

YoumaywanttovisittheseWebsitesformoreinformation:EatingDisorderRecoveryOnline:............http://www.edrecovery.comAnorexia Nervosa and Related Eating Disorders Inc.:

............http://www.anred.com/

PhysicalandMentalHealthIfyouorafriendareconsideringsuicide,PLEASEcalltheNationalAdolescentSuicideHotline............1-800-621-4000orNationalInstituteofMentalHealth.............1-800-64-PANICIfyouareattemptingorcontemplatingsuiciderightnow,call............911YoumaywanttovisittheseWebsitesformoreinformation:Depression............http://depression.about.com/library/hotlines

If you or your friends are concerned about having a venereal disease orcontractingAIDS,callforinformation:SexuallyTransmittedDiseases............1-800-227-8922NationalAIDSHotline............1-800-342-2437

If you are pregnant or worried about becoming pregnant and need moreinformationaboutyoursituationandpossiblechoices,callthesePregnancyCrisisHotlines............1-800-550-4900

1-800-228-0332BabyYourBabyHotline............1-800-826-9662

Abuse

Ifyouorafriend(maleorfemale)areavictimofrape, incest,oranyformofsexualabuse,calltheNationalSexAbuseHotline............1-800-656-4673

Ifyouareinadatingrelationshipwithapersonwhoisabusive,callforhelptoDatingViolenceInformationLine............1-800-897-LINK

Ifyouorafriendare involvedin theprostitutionorpornographyindustry,andyouwanthelpgettingout,callChildrenoftheNight............1-800-551-1300

Ifyouorafriendoranotherfamilymemberisbeingphysicallyabusedathome,call:NationalDomesticViolenceHotline............1-800-799-7233

NationalChildAbuseHotline............1-800-4-A-CHILDNationalSexualAssaultHotline............1-800-656-HOPE

YoumaywanttovisitthisWebsiteformoreinformation:SexualAssaultInformationPage............http://www.rainn.org

GangPreventionIfyouarebetweentheagesof10and14andarelookingforfriendsandfuninawholesomeatmosphere,contactyourlocalBoysandGirlsClubsofAmericaorvisitthemontheInternetathttp://www.bgca.org/............1-800-854-CLUB

Ifyouandyourfriendsareconsideringjoiningagroupandwanttoknowmoreabout its background, or if you have joined a group and are having difficultygettingout,pleasecallCultAwarenessHotline............1-800-556-3055

EducationIfyouareconsideringgoingtocollegeorvocationalschoolandhavequestionsaboutfundingyoureducation,call............1-800-USA-LEARNor............1-800-4-FEDAID

If you are interested in information about training programs in your state forsuch jobsas carpenter, receptionist, computerprogrammer,visit the JobCorpsWebsitehttp://www.jobcorps.org

GeneralYouthSupportServicesIf you are a runaway and need help to contact home or return home, call theNationalRunawayHotline............1-800-621-4000TheNationalYouthCrisisHotline(forreferralnotcounseling)............1-800-

448-4663

IfyouaredealingwithacrisisorproblemofANYkindanddon’tseewhatyouarelookingforabove,callCovenantHouseNine-Line............1-800-999-9999

VolunteerismYMCA............http://www.ymca.net

Ifyouare interested involunteering time thatwilldevelop leadershipskills,calltofindoutabouttheYMCAnearestyou.AskabouttheirBlackAchievers,YouthAchievement,andYouthLeadershipprograms.............1-888-333-9622

UnitedWay............http://www.unitedway.orgIfyouwanttohelpyourcommunity,visitthisWebpagetofindyourcommunity’slocalUnitedWay.

America’sCharitiesIfyouwanttoworkwithyourcommunityleadersinbusinessandgovernment

fund-raisers,findoutmoreabouthowyoucangetinvolvedbycalling............1-800-458-9505

50GREATBOOKSFORTEENS

OldClassicsAcrossFiveAprils

IreneHuntLittleWomen

LouisaMayAlcottTheWonderfulWizardofOz

FrankBaumTheAdventuresofHuckleberryFinn

MarkTwain

TheLordoftheRingstrilogy

J.R.R.TolkienAnneofGreenGables

LucyMaudMontgomeryTheFoundlingandOtherTalesofPrydain

LloydAlexanderTheChroniclesofNarnia

C.S.LewisAnimalFarm

GeorgeOrwellAnneFrank:TheDiaryofYoungGirl

AnneFrankToKillaMockingbird

HarperLeeCry,theBelovedCountry

AlanPatonTheYearling

MarjorieKinnanRawlingsTheFarthestShore

UrsulaK.LeGuinOfMiceandMen

JohnSteinbeckTheRedBadgeofCourage

StephenCraneTheGreatestSalesmanintheWorld

OgMandino

NewClassicsSounder

WilliamH.ArmstrongIslandoftheBlueDolphins

ScottO’DellAlongtheTracks

TamarBergmanNight

ElieWieselRedScarfGirl:AMemoiroftheCulturalRevolution

Ji-LiJiangHiroshima

JohnHerseyBlessMe,Ultima

RudolfoAnayaAnthonyBurns:TheDefeatandTriumphofaFugitiveSlave

VirginiaHamiltonBehindtheSecretWindow

NellieS.TollParrotintheOven—MiVida

VictorMartinezWalkTwoMoons

SharonCreechIHeardtheOwlCallMyName

MargaretCravenTheColorofWater:ABlackMan’sTributetoHisWhiteMother

JamesMcBridePointofDeparture:19StoriesofYouthandDiscovery

RobertS.GoldRisingVoices:WritingsofYoungNativeAmericans

ArleneB.HirschfelderandBeverlyR.SingerTheWatsonsGotoBirmingham—1963

ChristopherPaulCurtis

Self-HelpTheBookofVirtues

WilliamJ.BennettChickenSoupfortheTeenageSoul

JackCanfield,MarkVictorHansen,andKimberlyKirbergerMakingCollegeCount

PatrickS.O’BrienTheMeasureofOurSuccess

MarianWrightEdelmanABookofYourOwn:KeepingaDiaryorJournal

CarlaStevensDeathIsHardtoLiveWith

JanetBodeandStanMackTheFiskeGuide toGetting Into theRightCollege: TheCompleteGuide to

EverythingYouNeedtoKnowtoGetIntoandPayforCollegeEdwardB.FiskeandBruceHammondDetourforEmmy

MarilynReynoldsThereAreNoChildrenHere

AlexKotlowitzHowCouldYouDoThat?

Dr.LauraSchlessingerWhereAreMyBirthParents?

KarenGravelleandSusanFischerDifferentWorlds:InterracialandCross-CulturalDating

JanetBodeandIrisRosoffLoveandSexinPlainLanguage:ResponsibleSexandCommonSense

EricW.JohnsonKidsinJail—PaulVaseyAreYouDyingforaDrink?

LaurelGraeberRealGorgeous:TheTruthAboutBodyandBeauty

KazCookeTeenPower

NormHull,MarkScharenbroich,EricChester,C.KevinWanzer,andGaryZelesky

BIBLIOGRAPHY

PARADIGMSANDPRINCIPLES

Greyling, Dan P. “The Way the Cookie Crumbles.” Reprinted withpermissionfromtheJuly1980Reader’sDigest.Copyright©1980byTheReader’sDigestAssociation,Inc.

MacPeek,Walter.ResourcefulScoutsinAction.Nashville:AbingdonPress,1969.

THEPERSONALBANKACCOUNT

Barton,Bruce.TheManNobodyKnows.NewYork:CollierBooks,1925.

MAN INTHEMIRROR.Words andMusic byGlenBallard and SiedahGarrett. © Copyright 1987 Music Corporation of America, AerostationCorporation and Yellowbrick Road Music. All rights for AerostationCorporation Controlled and Administered by MCAMusic Publishing, ADivision Of Universal Studios, Inc. International Copyright Secured AllRightsReserved

HABIT1

Lemley, Brad. “TheManWhoWon’t BeDefeated.” NewYork:Parade.ReprintedwithpermissionfromParade.Copyright©1989.

Nelson, Portia. “Autobiography in Five Short Chapters.” FromThere’s aHole in My Sidewalk. Copyright © 1993 by Portia Nelson. Hillsboro,Oregon:BeyondWordsPublishing,Inc.,1-800-284-9673.

HABIT3

Nelson,Portia.There’saHoleinMySidewalk.Copyright©1993byPortiaNelson. Hillsboro, Oregon: Beyond Words Publishing, Inc., 1-800-284-9673.

HABIT4

Lusseyran, Jacques. And There Was Light. Edinburgh: Parabola Books,1985.Reprintedwithpermission.

HABIT6

Armstrong,Thomas.7KindsofSmart.NewYork:Plume,1993.

Rodgers,Richard,andOscarHammersteinII.“You’veGottoBeCarefullyTaught.”Copyright©1949byRichardRodgersandOscarHammersteinII.Copyright Renewed. WILLIAMSON MUSIC owner of publication andallied rights throughout the world. International Copyright Secured.ReprintedbyPermission.AllRightsReserved.

Sanders, Bill. Goalposts: Devotions for Girls. Grand Rapids, Mich.:FlemingRevel,adivisionofBakerBookHouse,1995.

HABIT7

Litchfield, Allen, contributor. From the Especially for Youth recordingSharingtheLightintheWilderness.SaltLakeCity:DeseretBook,1993.

Anderson,Walter.ReadwithMe.Boston:HoughtonMifflinCo.,1990.

INDEX

Aabuse,35,58-60,159

drugandalcohol,5,34,59,60,61,77,78,158,212-15,238risingabove,58-59,95sexual,58-59

AbuseHotlines,59accidents,39,40,42,56-57,77,134-35accomplishments:

accumulationof,19,23fakingof,24-25overcomingbarriersto,56-58,63-65,69-70school,15,19,21-22,49,57,69-70,137-38,148-49,153-54

addiction,9,108,158,238-39AdvancedPlacement(AP),21,79aggression,64AIDS,78,230,231AirForceAcademy,32-33airplanes,11,36,56-57,244alcoholabuse,5,59,60,77,78,158,212-15algebra,33,48,121Alice’sAdventuresinWonderland(Carroll),74AllIReallyNeedtoKnowILearnedinKindergarten(Fulghum),186Anderson,Walter,227anger,7,40,52,55,67,122

aschoice,48,49,68,69,72Anthony,SusanB.,118apartheid,118apologies,54,71,135,141-42,144Armstrong,Thomas,186Army,U.S.,90arrogance,34

art,41-42,83,87,110assertiveness,110attitudes:

can-do,63-65changingof,14,16-18,59-61seealsothinking;specificattitudes

Bbalance,9,22,26,111,112,207,240Ballard,Glen,31Barton,Bruce,37basketball,25,54,121,152-53,201“BeAllThatYouCanBe,”90Beatles,12,64-65beauty,12,13,26,40,102Beethoven,Ludwigvan,121,207beginwithendinmind,5,6,29,73-104

babystepsto,104crossroadsoflifeand,76-79,104educationand,79,81missionstatementsand,80-84,90-94planningand,75-76,80-83visualizationand,75,86,88,95

Bennett,Arnold,32Benson,EzraTaft,234Bird,Larry,25blame,7,8,12,48,50-52,55,65,149Blanchard,Ken,138Bok,Derek,218Borge,Victor,233boyfriend/girlfriend,33,131,176

breakupswith,21,35,57,66-68,83,97dependencyand,20-21,151-52aslife-centers,18,20-21,25loveof,20,21seealsosex

Bradley,Bill,221Braun,Wernhervon,121BrighamYoungUniversity(BYU),31-33Brown,RitaMae,38Buddhism,193Butler,Kathleen,187Byrne,Robert,172Bytheway,John,51

Ccareers,126

ambitionand,21developmentof,42-44,64-65,74,104incomeexpectationsand,22,78,217-18missionsvs.,103seealsojobs;work

change,14-18becominganagentfor,59-61disciplineand,5,32-33,123-25exampleof,33,59-61forcingof,53gradualprocessof,33,66,94ofhabits,8-9,59-61,72,158,243-244frominsideout,33-34ofprinciples,19,24-26self-,8-9,31-46,59-61,72,82,158,243-44takinginitiativefor,63-65techniquesof,75

character,28,93buildingof,8,32,34,61,82-83

cheating,25,39Child,Julia,215childbirth,60,78children,155

caringfor,36,78chores,28,106,159

Churchill,Winston,118-19CircleofControl,55civilrights,103CivilWar,U.S.,79CliffNotes,3,223Climber’sGuidetotheTetonRange(Ortenburger),44cliques,17,19,77,92-93,123-24,185,190clothing,20,35,185

donationof,36-37fashionand,124-25,148,157-58,164,197-98

coaches,24-25,31-32,37,52,57,98,99,155“ColdWithin,The,”192college,22,63,165-67,217,224-26

admissionto,5,12,13,61,79,125,154,225discoveringinterestsin,63,84familyhistoryand,12,60,61,68sportsin,31-33,57-58,69,166-67,221-23

commitments:breakingof,94fulfillingof,34,35,96-97,135,142-143small,35,94work,31-33,35

communication,18,71,141,165-67,170,176-78,224communitycontributions,45,64,65,76competition,148

comparisonsand,155,156-58,162draggingdownofothersand,7,34,148,151-52fearof,32,118school,7,14,15,21,57,106,146-47self-imageand,155-56sports,31-33,155-56,210

compliments,133,135-36,138,159,179computers,11,160Congress,U.S.,121,194conscience,66,67-68,69,93Constitution,U.S.,118cooperation,seesynergy

Cortés,Hernando,96Cosby,Bill,110courage,64,110,116-23,142,192-93

comfortvs.,117-18,128Covey,David,98-102,211Covey,Rebecca,14Covey,Stephen,Jr.,233Covey,StephenR.,3-4,48,84,118,134-35,177,210-11creativity,64,83-84,96,98crying,40,58,71,234Curie,Marie,121

Ddancing,41,46,87,136-37,210dating,16,19,76,134,136-37,142,151-52

initiativeand,15,20,63,71,118Davis,Tony“FatTone,”69deadlines,107-9DeadPoetsSociety,102DeadSea,37deafness,190-91death,33,39,40-41,77DeccaRecords,12decision-making,9,32,35,118-21,223DeForest,Lee,11DeMille,CecilB.,25-26depression,5,50,135,137

copingwith,34,35-36,75,231-32,235destiny,15,29,70,73-104diets,15,165

disciplineand,5,7,100-102healthy,35,100-101,206,208-9junk-foodvs.rabbit-food,209

discipline,5,7,32-33,100-102,108-111,125-26,223dishonesty,26,35,39diversity,183-93

celebrationvs.tolerationof,183-185intelligenceand,186personalityand,187-90visionand,186-87

divorce,16,23,83dogs,44,66-68,112,159Doskoch,Peter,233Dreyfuss,Richard,27driving,49,70,74,106drugs,5,76,77

abuseof,34,60,61,77,78,158,212-15,238dealingin,68,69peerpressureand,5,77,124

Duell,CharlesH.,12

Eearth,12,13eatingdisorders,158,165-66education,217-25

familyhistoryand,12,60,61,68askeytofuture,217-18,221-23valuesof,60,81,217-23seealsocollege;school

Einstein,Albert,121,219Eliot,George,146ElizabethI,QueenofEngland,116Emerson,RalphWaldo,96,132“Emperor’sNewClothes,”81encouragement,14,15,16,21-23,48,98,100,166,179enemies,33

aslife-centers,18,23,25energy,28,55environment,66,95,123-24ESPN,32excellence,strivingfor,5,21-25,31-33,90,126,155exercise,8,81,165,206,208,210-11

releaseofstresswith,40,41,46expectations,226

clarifyingof,134,142-43,144exceedingof,28false,134,142-43income,22,78,217-18ofothers,5,21-26,31-32

Ffailure,94,110

fearof,32,118-23,155tryingagainafter,121-23

fairness,24,71,92faith,22,25,53,81,118fame,23,93families,5

crisesin,68-70dysfunctional,59-61educationalhistoryof,12,60,61,68loyaltyandlovein,26,57supportandencouragementwith-in,15,16,21,22,23,33,48,100,179timespentwith,19,107,111,114,131seealsoparents;siblings

FarSide,The,233fear,32,58-59,118-23,155

decisionsbasedon,118-19overcomingof,32,59,106,116-21,128

firstthingsfirst,5,6,29,105-28babystepsto,126,128courageand,116-23disciplineand,108-11,125-26managementoftimeand,106-16,125,128planningand,111-16,128principlesand,26TimeQuadrantsand,107-13

flirting,20

Foch,Ferdinand,11football,31-33,52,57-58,69,93,99-101,118,166-67,184forcedcurvegrading,146,149forgiveness,38,50,83,133,141-42ForrestGump,210Frankl,Victor,83Frenchunderground,161friends,37

acceptanceandrejectionof,16,17,19,67-68,76-78,123-25acquiringof,17,19,26,38,53,71,77-78cliquesof,17,19,77,92-93,123-24,185,190confidingin,59defenseof,140disappointmentin,35,49-50fickle,19,49-50,83influenceof,76-77,80,166aslife-centers,17,18,19,25new,17,19,124,158relationshipswith,9,16-17,19,28,41,49-50,53,57,131supportandencouragementof,14,16,98,166seealsopeerpressure

Frost,Robert,122Fulghum,Robert,186

GGalwey,Tim,155Gandhi,MohandasK.“Mahatma,”103gangs,23,34,57,68-69,76,184Garfield,67,185,210Garland,Judy,38Garrett,Siedah,31geese,migrationof,182genes,66gentleness,35,37-38,46GeorgeIII,KingofEngland,12Germany,Nazi,83,119,161

GettingtoSynergyActionPlan,195-200Gibran,Kahlil,232Glidden,Jock,42-43goals:

actionand,5,63-65,98-103,126babystepsto,5definingof,5orientationto,34,82pressurefromparentsand,5,22-23settingof,74-104,106,125vocational,21,22writingof,95-96,101,104

Goethe,JohannWolfgangvon,97GoldenRule,28goodness,22-23gossip,16,19,26,49-50,83,134,138-140,144,149,238gowiththeflow,80GPAs,21-22,156,224grades,5,21-22,71,94-95,109,125,146,149grandparents,61,77,98GrandTetonmountain,42-44,98gratitude,24,37,45gravity,24Gray,AlbertE.,125-26GreatCompromise,195GreatDiscovery,The,70,84-90,104Gretzky,Wayne,118Greyling,DanP.,17grudges,133guilt,94,111,131

Hhabits,ix,xi,3-9

automaticnatureof,8changingof,8-9,59-61,72,158,243-44definitionof,8-9

goodvs.bad,7-8,59-61,72habitsbuildingon,6,9,35,48seealso7HabitsofHighlyEffectiveTeens

Haire,Beth,81Hall,Katie,91happiness,232-33

pleasingothersand,22,35-37possessionsand,19responsibilityfor,38,48,51sacrificeof,122-23

Harper’s,211-12hate,23,26,123hearts,24

caringfor,206,228-33commitmentand,31,32needsof,165-67qualityof,18,20,39,171

Helms,CrystalLee,190-91Hemingway,Ernest,84,207Henrichs,Judi,132-33heroes:

athletesas,23,93aslife-centers,18,23,25

Hill,Napoleon,101Hillary,Edmund,118,120-21hockey,40,118homework,7,25,35,60,79,94,111,116,122honesty,38-39

principleof,24-26,28self-,22,35,38,46,93

hope,22,38,102,203,243-44hotlines,9,59,158,249-51HouseofRepresentatives,U.S.,194Houston,Whitney,38humiliation,58

Iignorance,190-91illness,39-40,57,78,124-25,178imagination,33,66,67,69,75,90independence,20-21,61,132indulgence,19,25,26,34inferiorityfeelings,8,13,22,34,46,58,110,149-51,156-58influence,12,66,76-77,80,128,132,146,166information:

embellishmentof,46opennessto,18

ingratitude,26initiative,15,20,63-65,71,118injuries,166-67

career-ending,23,26recoveryfrom,56-57

InnerGameofTennis,The(Galwey),155inspiration,8,84,87,90-91integrity,24intelligence,66

diversetypesof,186stereotypesabout,12,13

Internet,surfingof,7,112,128inventions,12It’sAllinYourMind(Butler),187“It’sAllOver”syndrome,92-93

JJackson,Jesse,243jealousy,34,149,152jobs:

attitudesabout,12,50,159relationshipsand,50-53seekingof,12,50,64-65,159,217

JolietTownshipCentralHighSchool,137-38

Jordan,Michael,121JordanRiver,37journals,41,114,206,234,235-36joy,40,123

kKeller,Helen,57,182Kennedy,JohnF.,206kindness,82,228,229

performingsmallactsof,35-37,45,133-34,135-38,144King,Creighton,43-44King,MartinLuther,Jr.,103,132Knight,Rebecca,136

Llabels,negative,92language,63,184

proactivevs.reactive,51,71laughter,37-38,49,83,206,232-33law(s):

breakingof,19,25-26natural,24

laziness,26,90,92,110-11leadershipskills,41,179learning,8,39

diversetypesof,186frommistakes,38,71,78,93fromsports,31-33,42,44,55,57-58,99-101

Lewis,C.S.,146,148libraries,65,87,218life,38,41

balancein,9,22,26,111,112,207,240controllingof,9,35,51,54-56,65-70,112crossroadsof,76-79,104definingmissionandgoalsin,5,73-104

gettingaheadin,12,25,75-76packingmoreinto,107-12paradigmsof,18-27stuffof,127,129,131-44,147takingresponsibilityfor,5,23,48,57-58,61-65

life-centers,18-27boyfriend/girlfriendas,18,20-21,25enemiesas,18,23,25friendsas,17,18,19,25heroesas,18,23,25parentsas,18,22-23,25passionvs.obsessionand,23principlesas,24-27,28schoolas,18,21-22,25selfas,18,23,25sports/hobbiesas,18,23,25stuffas,18,19-20workas,18,23,25

Lincoln,Abraham,48,121-22,241listening,28,102,167-76

fivepoorstylesof,167-70,180genuineandsincere,5,77,83,140-141,144,171-76inattentive,7,140-41,168,180judgmentandadvicewith,169-70,180probingand,170selective,168-69,180self-centered,169,180

Litchfield,Allen,211-12Lose-Lose,147,151-52,160Lose-Win,147,149-51,159,160,161,162,178Louis,PrinceofFrance,15LouisXVI,KingofFrance,15love,20-24,26,28,38,131,151-52loyalty,24,26,28,67,134,138-40,144,148

avoidinggossipand,139-40defenseofothersand,140keepingsecretsand,139

Lusseyran,Jacques,161lying,25,26,39

MMacDonald,IanG.,12McMahon,Jim,31MacPeek,Walter,26Madison,James,194MadisonHighSchool,14Mandela,Nelson,118manipulation,19,149ManNobodyKnows,The(Barton),37marriage,60,78

decisionsabout,74,95-96,104Maxwell,Elaine,60,70MeasureforMeasure(Shakespeare),118meditation,28,75,206,234memory,9,38Michelangelo,83minds,18

barrierof,226renewalof,206,216-27,242seealsothinking

mirroring,173-75mirrors,71

seeingoneselfin,28,29,31-46,104Misérables,Les,120MissMadisonpageant,14mistakes,37-38,53-54,92-93

correctionof,38,53,141-42learningfrom,38,71,78,93

Mitchell,W.,56-57Moawad,Bob,244moderation,24,207moment(s):

enjoyingthe,80,116

hard,106,122-23,125momentous,97-98

money,23,39,51,160borrowingof,162discriminationbasedon,26,157-158incomeexpectationsand,22,78,217-18savingof,60

moods,5,16,19,20,51,116,209,228,231-32mountainclimbing,42-44,57,98,118,120-21MountEverest,118,120-21Mouritsen,Maren,103movies,41,78murder,69Murray,Bill,27Murray,W.H.,96-97music,46,83,186,235,237

lyricsto,28,31,81performingof,41,67,83,119-21,126,148,183,200,218teamworkin,183,200

MyFairLady,120

Nnature:

appreciationof,8,13,40,41-42,235lawsof,24assanctuary,39-40,235synergyin,182-83

NBA,25,54,221Nelson,Portia,62,124networking,64NewJerseyPlan,194Newsweek,12NoDeal,159-60,162NOWgeneration,108Noziska,Whitney,91

OO’Connor,Sinéad,81Oh,thePlacesYou’llGo(Seuss),243OldManandtheSea,The(Hemingway),84Olsen,Kenneth,11OlympicGames,155OneFish,TwoFish,RedFish,BlueFish(Seuss),184OneMinuteManager,The(Blanchard),138“OntheStreetWhereYouLive,”120optimism,81Ortenburger,Leigh,44

PPalmore,DeborahMiller,201Parade,56paradigms,11-28,186-87

definitionof,13inaccurateorincomplete,13-14,15,16,18,28oflife,18-27negativevs.positive,13-16,28ofothers,16-18seealsolife-centers

paradigmshifts,14,16-18parents,16,66,83

blamingof,7communicationwith,170,176-78deathof,39,40-41difficultieswith,5,18,22-23,40,49,66,68,71,150-51honestywith,39,46independencefrom,22-23,61aslife-centers,18,22-23,125loveandrespectfor,22,23naggingandpressurefrom,5,22-23poorexamplesgivenby,59-61relationshipswith,9,12,131,134-135,141-42

supportandencouragementfrom,15,16,21,22,23,48,100,179seealsofamilies

passion,84,87obsessionvs.,23

past,94makingamendsfor,38,78

Pasteur,Louis,121Paterson,William,194patience,28,37peace,56,71,93peerpressure,5,19,21,116-17,128

givinginto,5,34,77,109-10,124,150good,125resistanceto,34,77,106,116,123-125

perceptions,seeparadigmsperfection,37,90,132,211-12personalbankaccount(PBA),29,31-46,125,132,206

babystepsto,45-46depositsinandwithdrawalsfrom,34-35,38,39,41,44,94,123,154,229healthy,34poor,34

personality,14diversetypesof,187-90,200

personalmissionstatements,80-84,90-94,104examplesof,81-82,90,91formsof,81,90roadblocksto,92-94,106sourcesof,81talentdiscoveryand,83-84writingof,80-82,84,90-92,125

Pfeiffer,Michelle,201,211-12Pike’sPeakMarathon,43planners,112-15,116,128planning,8,74-104,111-16

dailyadaptationand,115-16follow-throughon,45,115-16,128identifying“bigrocks”and,113-115,128

weekly,112,113-15,116playingfavorites,26,148“PleaseListen,”167pointsofview:

alternative,16-18,28,82,141,186-87changingof,16-18

popularity,19,34,83,93,136pornography,34,239-40power,27,55,61,96,132

toolsof,66-70,75pregnancy,78,230prejudice,12,26,52,92,184-85,191-92pride,146,148principles,11-28

babystepsand,27-28compromisingandchangingof,19,24-25,26equalapplicationof,24identifyingof,24,26,28aslife-centers,24-27,28naturallaw,24prioritizingof,26reliabilityof,25-27

priorities,5,107,109,111-12,113educational,21-22principlesas,26

privatevictory,6,29-144,154personalbankaccountand,31-46insports,31-33,42-44,118

proactivity,6,29,47-72babystepsto,71-72benefitsof,53-54choiceand,65-70developingmusclesof,61-63languageof,51,71reactivityvs.,7,48-53,68-70techniquesof,49,50,51,54-70,71-72turningsetbackstotriumphswith,56-58,68-70

procrastination,7,107,108-9,128productivity,81promises:

keepingvs.breakingof,34,35,45,125,134-35,144toself,34,35,45,125

ProvoHighSchool,98-101psychiatrists,35-36,83Ptolemy,12,13publicspeaking,41,118,243publicvictory,6,33-34,129-202puzzles,74

Qquotations:

collectionof,9,90stupid,11-12

Rracism,12,26,52,118,191-92rape,58ratrace,149reactivityvs.proactivity,7,48-53,68-70Reader’sDigest,17reading,8,9,41,45,63,65,87,112,177,206,218,219,226-27ReadwithMe(Anderson),227Reed,Dermell,68-70Reed,Kevin,69RefusalSkill,214-15relationshipbankaccount(RBA),34,131-44,198,206

babystepsin,144depositsinandwithdrawalsfrom,132-38,140,142-43,176,178-79,229

relationships,34,131-202abusive,35,58-60,95,159improvingof,9,23,131-44new,17,19

problemswith,5,16,18,20-21,22-23,40,49,66,68,71,94,150-52ratingof,131securityin,140,154stabilityof,21,26working,50-53seealsoboyfriend/girlfriend;friends;parents;siblings

religion,81,184,234renewal,5,6,39-41,46,125,203-45

babystepsto,242ofbody,206,208-9,242ofheartandsoul,206,228-42ofmind,206,216-27,242neglectof,8,35

reputation,78,110respect,8,22,24,26,53,165

self-,11,22-23,61,93,125responsibility,5,23,24,48,53,57-58,61-65

neglectof,7,108-11pressureof,32

résumés,64revenge,69risk-taking,86,116-23rolemodels,59-60,86RollingStones,65rudeness,49,65,66,72,228,240running,41,80,101,210Ruth,Babe,121

SSanders,Bill,192-93saw,sharpeningof,5,6,41,203,205-45school,219-20

competitionin,7,14,15,21,57,106,146-47droppingoutof,61,78,219findingnichesin,218-20gradesin,5,21-22,71,94-95,109,125,224

aslife-center,18,21-22,25stayingin,60testingin,39,49,79,106,108,109,110,128,224titlesandaccomplishmentsin,15,19,21-22,49,57,69-70,137-38,148-49,153-54

Schulman,Tom,102SeaofGalilee,37secrecy,59,139SecretGarden,The,39-40self:

changingof,8-9,31-46,59-61,72,82,158,243-44concernwithoutsideopinionsof,34,55defenseof,34,46disappointmentwith,34evaluationof,81focusingawayfrom,35-37gentlenesswith,35,37-38,46growthof,37,48-72aslife-center,18,23,25loveof,38masteryof,6,29-144pleasingof,23promisesto,34,35,45,125

self-awareness,66-67,72self-confidence,82,125

buildingof,9,14-16,19-20,22-23,34-35,41-44,81lackof,149-51

self-doubt,32self-expression,41-44self-image,78,155-56

buildingupof,14-16,22-23,28,41-44negative,8,13,14,18,22positive,14,15-16,28,41-44,81weightand,4,12

self-improvement,8,32-33,50selfishness,25,26,149,179self-respect,11,22-23,61,93,125

self-trust,34,35Senate,U.S.,122,194service,24,26,35-37,45,206Seuss,Dr.,184,2437HabitsofHighlyEffectivePeople,The(Covey),3-4,61,827HabitsofHighlyEffectiveTeens,5-7

basicprinciplesand,27benefitsof,9one,5,6,29,34,47-72,74,106,132two,5,6,29,34,73-104,106,125,132three,5,6,29,34,105-28,132four,5,6,34,129,132,145-62five,5,6,34,129,132,141,163-80six,5,6,34,129,132,180-202seven,5,6,41,203,205-45oppositesof,7-8powerof,27sequentialnatureof,6,9,35,48

sex,229-31abusive,58-59decisionsabout,7,76,78-79,82,123-24,230-31peerpressureand,5,82promiscuous,7,78,124

sexuallytransmitteddiseases(STDs),78,230,231Shakespeare,William,119,123,225SharingtheLightintheWilderness(Litchfield),211-12Shaw,GeorgeBernard,11,65,94siblings,59,61,106

relationshipswith,26,35,49,55,131,135,136-37,151,159sincerity,134

listeningwith,5,77,83,140-41,144,171-76slackers,110-11,112slavery,52sleep,100,110,122,178,206,208,238Smiles,Samuel,8Smith,Elinor,63smoking,12,212-13

Socrates,216soul,caringfor,206,234-44sports/hobbies,92

breakingrecordsin,43-44college,31-33,57-58,69,166-67,221-23developingtalentsin,22,24-25,31-33,41-44lessonsof,31-33,42,44,55,57-58,99-101aslife-centers,18,23,25privatevictoriesin,31-33,42-44,118releaseofstressin,40,41,46

StarWars,155status,17,23stealing,39,49,146,158stepparents,12,13strength,39

borrowingof,98developingof,125inhardmoments,106,122-23,125turningweaknessto,101-2

stress,4,111,137,206,217copingwith,39-41,46,116,233,235exerciseand,40,41,46,210

studygroups,146,162studying,8,108,109,110,116,128stuff:

accumulationof,19-20,23oflife,127,129,131-44,147aslife-centers,18-20titlesandaccomplishmentsas,19,23

success,34,81,147-48commoningredientof,125-27atexpenseofothers,7,34,148afterfailure,121-23ladderto,93

suicideattempts,232SuperBowl,31superioritycomplex,20,153

supportgroups,58Sylvester,MaryBeth,81synergy,5,6,129,181-202

babystepsto,202brainstormingand,195,199,196-197,199

celebratingdifferencesand,183-93definingproblemsoropportunitiesfor,195,196,198-99definitionof,182-83gettingto,182,185,193-201HighWayto,193-95,197-98,200roadblocksto,190-92teamworkand,5,6,58,71,132,152-53,182-83,200-201understandingand,195,196,199

Ttalents:

admirationof,45,86discoveryof,83-84,87-89,104,125,229neglectvs.useof,35,41-44,45

talking:bad-mouth,19,26,28,83excessive,7,110,128seealsogossip

teachers,22,84,194blamingof,7,12,48encouragementof,16,63expectationsof,21,79,91relationshipswith,37,71,131

teamwork,5,6,58,71,132,152-53,182-83,200-201teens:

challengesfacedby,106emotionalstrugglesof,4-5,14,15,16,93negativethinkingof,4-5,7-8,11-12,13,14self-imageof,4,12,15vulnerabilityof,4,15

telephone,7,12,108,109

excessiveuseof,7,110,128television,11,110,111,128,218temptation,15TenCommandments,The,25-26Teresa,Mother,103,228,229tests,49,79,106

aptitude,104cheatingon,39standardized,149,224studyingfor,108,109,110,116,128

Tetonmountainrange,42-44thank-younotes,37,45There’saHoleinMySidewalk(Nelson),62thinking:

meditative,28,75,206,234negativevs.positive,4-5,7-8,11-16,34,37-38,43-44, 46, 47-72, 92-93,145-62obsessive,18,21-22,23,151-52,155,161seealsominds

time:blockingoutof,112-17,128family,19,107,111,114,131managementandmasteryof,4,9,28,55,106-16,125,128valueof,127wastingof,110-11,116,128

TimeQuadrants,107-13,116importancevs.urgencyand,107-112Quadrant1of,107,108-9,112Quadrant2of,107,109,111-12,113,241Quadrant3of,109-10,112Quadrant4of,110-11,112spendingtimein,108-15

Tomlin,Lily,96,149trust,34,35,59,135,142Twain,Mark,52,136,213

Uunderstanding:

babystepsto,180expressingpersonalviewsvs.,7,169-70,195,196,199seekingtobeunderstoodafter,5,6,129,141,163-80,195,196,199synergyand,195,196,199

Unga,Fine,183-84UnitedPressInternational,64USDAfoodpyramid,209

Vvacations,195-97values,127

decidingon,74-104,125definingof,9educational,60,81,217-23false,78,80

vandalism,34victimitisvirus,52-53victims,52-53

crime,69sexual,58-59

violence,68-69,227VirginiaPlan,194vision:

changeof,15-16,18diversityof,186-87impairmentof,42,44,161positivefocusof,13,14,15-16,18,53,56,75

visualization,75,86,88,95volleyball,55,78,155-56volunteering,45,64,65

W

walking,41,46,80,208,210wartime,26,83,119Websites,9,110,111,128,158,238,249-51Weeks,Russell,43-44weight:

buildingupof,99-101excessive,4,12lossof,214

Welch,Jack,79welfaredependency,59,60WhatAboutBob?,27“WhoamI?,”ixwildflowers,41-42Williams,Mr.,84willpower,29,66,68,69,96,99-101,126

won’tpowervs.,103,105,106,109-10,112,128Win-Lose,7,146,147-49,159,160,161,162Winnie-the-Pooh,140winning,121-23,155,161Win-Win,5,129,145-47,152-54,159-161

babystepsto,162fruitsof,159-61

women:rightsof,118stereotypesof,12

work:commitmentto,31-33,35employeerelationsand,50,51,239-40goingtheextramileat,28,32-33hard,24,25,28,50,93,106,148aslife-center,18,23,25volunteer,45,64,65

WorldWarI,11WorldWarII,119,161

Y

Yes-man,109-10,128Young,Steve,31

ZZanuck,DarrylF.,11

AboutFranklinCovey

FranklinCovey

FranklinCoveyisagloballeaderineffectivenesstraining,productivitytools,andassessmentservicesfororganizationsandindividuals.Ourclientsinclude90percentoftheFortune100,morethan75percentoftheFortune500,thousandsof small and midsize businesses, and numerous government and educationalinstitutions.Organizations and individuals access FranklinCovey products and services

through corporate training, certified client facilitators, one-on-one coaching,publicworkshops,catalogs,over180retailstores,andwww.franklincovey.com.FranklinCovey’s purpose is to help organizations succeedbyunleashing the

poweroftheirworkforcetofocusonandexecutetheirtoppriorities.Wedothisthrough a series of assessments, work sessions, and tools designed to geteveryonefocusedonthefew“wildlyimportant”goalsthat,ifachieved,makeallthedifference.Ourcoreproductsandservicesinclude:

• xQ Survey and Debrief: This tool helps leaders assess theirorganization’s“executionquotient.”•Workshops: Our corporate and public workshops includeAligningGoalsforResults,FOCUS:AchievingYourHighestPriorities,The7HabitsofHighlyEffectivePeople,andThe4RolesofLeadership.•PlanningSystems:InadditiontotheFranklinPlanner,wealsoofferthesePlanningSystems:TabletPlannerfortheTabletPC,PlanPlusforMicrosoftOutlook,FranklinCoveyPlanningSoftware,PalmOS,andPocketPCSoftware.

STUDENTSANDEDUCATORSPRAISETHE7HABITSTEENSCURRICULUM

“The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens Workshop is a most powerfulexperienceforchildren.I’vewatchedthemchange…immediately.TheygottheHabits.It’sbeenoneofthemostexcitingprogramsI’vebeeninvolvedwith!”PatriciaRogers-Caroselli,Asst.Principal,IngrahamHighSchool

“Teachingushowtoorganizeourdailyschedulesandhowtobalancethestressfromday-to-dayworkloadswasaverypowerfulexperience.Learningthebasicsofthe7Habits…wasanenlighteningexperienceforall.”CristalCampbell-Allin,student,LordBeaverbrookHighSchool,Calgary,

Alberta

WORKSHOPOPTIONS

One-DayWorkshop

Tocertify,cal11-800-272-6839,orvisit

www.7Habits4Teens.com

Intheone-dayworkshop,studentswilllearnthetime-testedprinciplesofthe7Habits and how to apply them to the tough issues and life-changing decisionsthey face. This workshop is full of fun, relevant, and interactive exercises.They’lllaughwhiletheylearnwithanewfoundbeliefintheirownabilities.InadditiontothebookThe7HabitsofHighlyEffectiveTeens,eachparticipantwillalsoreceivetheSuccessGuideworkbook(36pages).IncludedforfacilitatorsisaPowerPointpresentation,overheadtransparencies,

andcoolvideosdesigned just for teens.Thisworkshopcanalsobeadapted toteachtheuseofanagendaoraplanner.

In-DepthCourse

Thisprogramallowsteenstodelvedeeperintoeachofthehabitsandtotrulyapply them to their lives. Each teen participant will receive the book The 7Habits of Highly Effective Teens as well as the Ultimate Activity Guideworkbook (276 pages), which contains more than 200 individual and groupactivitiesfocusedaroundthemajorthemesandapplicationsofthe7Habits.The materials for this in-depth course were designed to provide optimum

flexibility for facilitatorsandeducators.Theycanbeused to teachasemester-long course; direct a self-paced learning course; supplement existing lessonplans; reinforce current-event topics; or hold a church, school, community, orwork-relatedretreatorseminar.

TOBECOMEACERTIFIED7HABITSTEENSFACILITATOR…Call 1-800-272-6839 or visit www.7Habits4Teens.com today if you are

interested in facilitating this training program,which has been proven to helpyouthbecomeprepared to standup for themselvesand resistpeerpressure,be

moregoal-oriented,andviewlifeasapositive,meaningfulexperience.Upon completion of certification you will receive a facilitator kit, which

includes:

•The7HabitsofHighlyEffectiveTeensbook•Programvideo(multiplevideoclips)•PowerPointCD,overheadtransparencies(17set),andaudioCD•TwoFacilitatorGuides(One-DayandUltimateActivityGuide)• Two Teen Participant Guidebooks (Success Guide and UltimateActivityGuidebook)•UltimateActivityGuideFacilitatorvideo•Activitymaterials

SEANCOVEYwasborninBelfast, Ireland,andraisedinProvo,Utah;hehaslived in South Africa, Boston, and Dallas. He is currently Vice President ofRetail Stores at Franklin CoveyCo., one of theworld’s leading time and lifeleadership authorities. He graduated with honors from BYUwith a degree inEnglish and later earned his M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. As thestartingquarterbackforBYU,heledhisteamtotwobowlgamesandwastwiceselected the ESPN Most Valuable Player. Before joining Franklin Covey, heworkedatDeloitte&ToucheConsultingGroup,TrammellCrowVentures,andtheWaltDisneyCompany.He is a popular speaker to youth and adult groupsandistheauthorofFourthDownandLifetoGo.Sean’sfavoriteactivitiesincludegoingtomovies,workingout,ridinghisdirt

bike, hanging out with his family, eating (anything in large quantities), andwritingpoorpoetry.Seanandhiswife,Rebecca, and their children live in theRockyMountainsofUtah.