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JOHN HENDEE
ADULT BABIES
WHAT KIND OF TANTRUMS ARE YOU
THROWING?
ADULTBABIES
WhatKindof
Tantrums
DoYouThrow?
Dedication
TimCoopHeisoneofthemostmaturepeopleI’vehadtheprivilegeofknowingand
workingwithinmylife.
HeisoneofthebestmodelsinmylifeofsomeonewhoismatureandwithoutanglaringlistofTEMPERTANTRUMbehaviors.
Actually,asonewhohasworkedfulltimewithhimasmybossinthepast,hislistissosmallthatIwouldbehardpressedtothinkofevenafew.
I’mguessinghisfamily(aswouldbetrueofallofus)mightcomeupwithafewmorethanIcan,butoneofthereasonshehasbeensolovedandrespectedwhereeverhehasgoneandworkedisduetohishonest,loving,kindand
straightforwardwayofdealingwithpeople;notmanipulative,controllingforselfinterest,demeaningothers,etc.
ThanksTimforbeingsuchagreatmodelofmaturityforsomanyofus.
INDEX
CHAPTERONE
IwassurfingchannelsonourTVoneday.IwasstoppedinmysurfingwhenIsawagrownmanstandinginfrontofakitchensinkwatchingawomanblendsomefoodinablender.
IFELLOFFMY‘SURF’BOARD.
Themanwasdressedinaonepiecebabypajamaoutfit.Hewasalargeman.Itlookedprettyweird.Ihadtowatchagainstmybetterjudgment.Thewomanfinishedblendingthefood.Themanthenwenttoagiant,white,adultsizebabychair.Hecrawledupintoit.Thewomanliftedthetablepartfromthebackanditcameupandoverhisheadandsettledinfrontofhim.Sheplacedthebowloffoodonit.Sheputabibonhim.Andshebegantofeedhim.
Iwasmesmerized.Mymouthwashangingopenandmystomachwasalittlenauseous.Iwaswaitingforthe‘punchline’asifitwasacomedyorsomething.Itdidn’tcome.Thiswasseriousbusiness.OntheonehandIwasalreadystartingtofeeldisgustandwantedtoquicklygetbackonmy‘board’andproceedwithmysurfing,butIhadtowatchmore.Itonlylastedabout5minutesinlength.Thatwaslongenough.
Itgotworse.Thenextsceneshowedhimsittinginanormalsizeplaypen.Hefilledit.Hewasplayingwithhistoys.Thenitwenttoshowinghimcrawlingintoahuge,whiteadultsizecrib.Theladypulledthesideup,hookedthelatchandgavethemanablankieandalargebabybottlewhichhebegantosuckon.Shetalkedgentlyandquietlytohim.
Iwasaboutreadytopukeatthatpoint.ButIhadtoseeitthrough.Iswallowedhardandkeptwatching.
Themanwasabout35.Hespokeafewtimesduringthe5minutevideo.Hesoundednormalandrationalontheonehand.HeexplainedthathewaspartofagroupofAdultBabies.Heandhis‘mother’hadawebsitewith1600members.
ItwasexplainedtheyliveonWelfare.
“I’mpayingforthis”Ithought?
Hemadethecommentthat“somepeopledrinkalcoholandotherstakedrugstodealwiththestressesoflife,butthisismywayofdealingwiththestressesoflife.”
AndIthought“Starttakingdrugs!Please!Itwouldbebetterthanthis!”
Itendedandputmeoutofmymisery.Iwentbacktomy‘surfing’buttheimageswereburntintomybrain.
Ithought,“Wow,therecan’tbeanyproudparentsinthissituation.”
“Yes,lookatwhatmysonhasachievedinlife.I’msoproudofhim.”No,notinthisscenario.
ItwasprettysadandIhavetosaydisgusting.
Butitgotmethinkingaboutthebehaviorofmanyyouthandadults.
Ittookmedownaninterestingpath.
Whilemostofusdon’t:
EATOURMEALSINAHIGHCHAIR,
PLAYINAPLAYPEN,
SLEEPINAGIANTCRIB,
PLAYWITHBABYTOYS,
SUCKONABABYBOTTLE,
HAVEA‘BLANKIE’,
ORWEARDIAPERSWHENWEDON’THAVETOO,
THEQUESTIONBECOMES
“CANWEASAYOUNGPERSONORANADULTDEMONSTRATEVERYIMMATUREBEHAVOIRTHATCANBEREVOLTINGANDDISCUSTING,SOMETHINGAPARENTCERTAINLYWOULDN’TBEPROUDOFSEEINGINANOFFSPRINGOFTHEIRS”?HUMMMM?
Istartedthinkingmoreaboutthis.ThisisthelineofthinkingIendeduppursuing.
Whatisthemostimportantthinginthelifeofababy?
Thinkaboutthatforasecond.
I’veaskedalotofpeoplethisquestionandIhavefoundthatthemostcommonresponseis“It’smother.”
AndmyresponsetothatisERRRRRR.Youarewrong.
Whatisthemostimportantthinginthelifeofababy?
Itself!
Nowthenextquestionis
WHATDOESABABYDOWHENITIS:
HUNGRY
WET
TIRED
THIRSTY
HURT
Orit
WANTSTOBEPUTDOWN
WANTSTOBEPICKEDUP
WANTSITS’TOY
WANTSITBLANKIE
Oh,yougotthatoneright.Itcries.
Andasitagesitaddsotheractionstoitslistbeyondcrying.Thechildcanbecomecreativeinablendof:
THROWING
KICKING
SCREAMING
HITTING
BITING
POOPING
SPITTING
HOLDINGITS’BREATHE
ANDCRYING.
ItstartsTHROWINGTANTRUMS…..
AndthenithitsthewellknownTERRIBLETWOS.
Thisbeautifullittleblessedpackagebecomesabundleofagonyandpainformanyparentswhothenstarthavingsecondthoughtsabouteverhavinggivenlifetothislittlemonster.
Butwhatishappeningduringtheterribletwos,whenalitanyofTANTRUMSseemstobecomeanormalpartofdailylifewiththislittleone?
Thechildstartsdiscoveringthattheyarelosingtheirplaceasthecenteroftheirparents’world.Theyarefindingoutthatthereareotherthingsthattaketheirmotherandfatherawayfromthem.
Thereareotherkidsinthefamily.
Therearejobstheparentsgooffto.
Thereisahousetomaintain.
Thereareoftenpetswhogetalotofattention.
Therearebills,andtaxesandhomeworkandallkindsofotherstressesinlife.
Thereisshoppingtodoanddoctorappointments.
Andthechilddoesn’tlikethelossofattention,sotheystartdoingthingsthatmostdefinitely‘getthemattention’.Butgettingattentiondoesn’twinthembackwhatisinevitablyslippingfromtheirlittlefingers.Infact,thewaytheyareactingactuallyspeedsuptheprocess.Theyarelessattractiveandthecutenessislost.
AttimesonecouldpityanonlychildwhocontinuestobetreatedasTHEmostimportantthinginthelifeoftheirparents.Theseunsuspectingparentsarehelpingcreateapotentialmonsterfortheirchild’sfuturemateiftheymarry.
CHAPTERTWO
WHATISTHEDIFFERENCEBETWEENABABYANDANADULT?
Otherthanbodysize.
ABABYIS:
Selfish
Selfcentered
Wantsandneedsdriven.
Anditcrieswhenitdoesn’tgetwhatitwantsoritisfeelingbad.Thatisits’mainwayofcommunicating.Itcan’ttalk!!!!!
Andallofthatiso.k.forababy.Itisnormal!
ANADULTISonewhois(orwewouldliketothinkso):
Giving
Unselfish
Helpful
Forgiving
Generous
Kind
Polite
Caring
Protective
Selfcontrolled
Disciplined
Hasintegrity
Respectful
Empathetic
Courteous
Thoughtful
Responsible
Wise
LOVING
Oratleastwewouldwanttoseeastrongcombinationofthesethings.
NOW.
Whenawhenababygrowsintoanadult,hecan’tkeepthrowingtantrumsthewayhedidasababy!Ifshedidshewouldfaceahard,hardlife.
Hereisatough,revealingquestion:Doyouthandadultsthrowtantrums?
Thinkaboutit.Wearegoingtopursuethisforawhile.
I’mafraidtheanswerisYES.
Wedon’talwaysseeourtantrumsastantrumsorasinfantile,but……I’mafraidtheyare.
Sowhilewemightnotcontinuetodressinbabypajamas,eatatahighchair,playinaplaypen,andsleepinacrib,itispossiblethatwhenourbodygrowswecancontinuewithanddevelopnewformsofimmatureandinfantilebehavioror
YOUTHANDADULTTANTRUMS.
Firstlet’saskthequestion,whydoYOUTHORADULTSTHROWTANTRUMS?
Itwilloftenwillhappenwhen:
THEYDON’TGETWHATTHEYWANT,or
THEYDON’TGETTHEIRWAY,or
THEYDON’TGETWHATTHEYTHINKTHEYDESERVEor
THEYDOGETWHATTHEY‘DESERVE’,BUTTHEYDON’TLIKEIT.
Makeyourlist;whatwouldsomeoftheseyouthoradulttantrumsbe?
***********
Nowtakealookatthislist:Howmanyfromyourlistareonthefollowinglist?Haveyoufoundsomenewones?
POUT
CRITICIZE
ACTNOTTY
BECOMESHARPINRESPONSES
CRY
BLAME
BEINGREBELLIOUSORDISOBEDIENT
SCREAM
ACCUSE
BECOMESARCASTIC
CALLNAMES
THROWTHINGS
HITOTHERS
PLAYTHEVICTIM
BECOMEMEAN
STOPTALKING
MANIPULATE
USEOTHERS
WALKOUT
HIT-HURT-BEATUP
RETALIATE
QUIT
DEMEANOTHERS
ACTCOLD
SEEKREVENGE
GOSSIPABOUTOTHERS
JUDGEOTHERS
THREATEN
ACTIRRESPONSABLY
IGNOREOTHERS
FAILINTENTIONALLYINSOMETHINGTHATWILLHURTTHEOTHER
BEUNCOOPERATIVE
DON’THELP
MOCKOTHERS
BEUNFAITHFULTOOTHERS
SLEEPONTHECOUCH
MAKETHEMSLEEPONTHECOUCH
CAUSEDAMAGE
INTNETIONALLYGETINTROUBLE
LIE
ROB-STEAL
DRINK-USEDRUGSNEGLECT
DEPRIVEOHTERSOFTHEIRRIGHTS
SWEAR
SWEARATOTHERS
BLACKMAIL
MAKEFACESATOTHERS
WHINE
COMPLAIN
BECOMEABUSIVE
SENDNASTYEMAILS
POSTNASTYTHINGONFACEBOOKABOUTOTHERS
INTNETIONALLYBE‘FORGETFUL’
SCAREOTHERS
ABANDONOTHERS
KILL
ACTORRECALLANILLNESS(OHMYHEART!!!!NOWLOOKWHATYOUDID.)
IGNORE,REJECTGOODADVICEORCOUNSELFROMOTHERS
AndthelistgoesONandON.
NOWAIN’TTHATREALLYMATURE?
Andtheresults?
DoesactinginthewaysLISTEDABOVEgetayouthoradultwhatTHEYreallywant?
WHATDOOURTAMTRUMSUSUALLYGETUSINRETURN?
Apositiveresponseoranegativeresponse?
HOWABOUTGOINGDOWNTHELONGLISTABOVEANDCHECKINGTHEONESYOUAREGUILTYOFUSINGATTIMES.
Arethereotheritemsyouhavecomeupwith?
Whodoyouusethemwith/on?
Howoften?
Doyouseehowitdamagesyourrelationships?
Doyoureallyliketheresultsitgetsyou?
Whatwouldbeingoractingintheoppositewaybeforeachcharacteristic?
Whatdoyouneedtochangeinyourlifeaspartofyourgrowingup?
Whenareyougoingtochange?
CHAPTERTHREE
WHATISTHEMOSTIMPORTANTTHINGINTHELIFEOFANADULTBABY?
Controlandpower!
Andtheywillusethatcontrolandpowertoget:
Whattheywant,
Thewaytheywantit,
Whentheywantit.
Andwhentheydon’tgetwhattheywant,howtheywantitorwhentheywantit,watchout.Youhavejustpulledtheplugontheir
TANTRUMGRENADE.Itisabouttogooff.
DOYOUSEETHECOMMONTHREAD?
AnAdultBabynevergrewbeyondtheneedtobethecenterofattention,tohaveeveryonerunningaroundtomeettheirneeds.Theydidn’tlearnhowtogive,tobeconcernedabouttheneedsofothers.
Whileitisnotbadtobeconcernedaboutones’legitimateneeds,itissadwhenoneneverlearnsthattheworlddoesnotrevolvearoundthem,andtheydon’tlearneffectivewaystoseektohavethoseneedsmet.
GrowingintoadeepcycleofmorepowerfulandcontrollingTantrumsisnottheanswertoagoodlife.
“Itismoreblessedandmaturetogivethantoreceive,“seemslikeaprettyabsurdstatementtoaYouthorAdultBaby.
ADULTANDYOUTHBABIES:
USEPEOPLE.
MANIPULATEPEOPLE.
CONTROLPEOPLETHROUGHNEGATIVITY,BLAME,SELFJUSTIFCATION,SCKOLDING,PLAYINGTHEVICTIM,HURT,FEARANDTHREATS:Tantrums.
Intheirthinkingothersexisttomeettheirneeds.
Theydon’texisttomeetothersneeds.
Itis‘theirway’or‘noway.’
LITTLEBABIESDON’TSEEANYPROBLEMWITHTHEWAYTHEAREACTING.
Itisnormalforthem.
Itisthesamewithadultbabiestoo.
Theydon’t’seeit.
Theydon’tgetit.
Everyoneelsehasaproblem,notthem.
Theirbehaviorseemsprettynormaltothemanditisinonesense.
Theyhaveprobablybeendoingitmostoftheirlife.!!!!
Butthatdoesn’tmakethemamatureadult.
Andyouthandadultbabiesmostoftendon’tseeanyproblemwiththewaytheyareactingorliving.Butwhatisnormalforaoneyearoldbabyshouldnotbethenormforayouthoradult.
The‘otherpeople’aretheproblemintheirmind.
“Thereisnothingwrongwithme!It’sthem!”
InAlcoholicsAnonymoustheytalkabout“THEELEPHANTINTHEROOM.”
Doyouknowwhatthatmeans?
Itreferstoasituationwherethereisanalcoholic(oraddictofsomekind)inthehouse.Everyoneelseseesit.Theaddictisindenialorchoosingtocontinuewiththeirlifestyleinspiteofthefactthatitisdamagingthemandallthepeopletheylivewith.Soeveryonejustsortoflearnstolivewiththealcoholic,tryingtomakethebestofit,quietlyormaybenotsoquietlysuffering.Thealcoholiccontrolswhatisgoingon.Theydon’tseethedamage,ortheydon’tcare.Othershavetriedbringingitupbutenduppayingahugepriceforevenmentioningit.Itislikehavinganelephantinthelivingroombutwecan’ttalkaboutit.Itisreallyawkward,weirdanduncomfortablebutwhatcanyoudo?
AndSTUFFkeepspilingupandgettingdeeperallthetime.Anditstinks!
COULDTHEREBEABABYINTHEROOMTHATALLSEEBUTYOU????
ThinkaboutthisstatementofJohnPowel:
EVERYOBNOXIOUSQUALITY
(whichincludesthrowingatantrum.)
INANOTHERHUMANBEINGISACRYOFPAINANDPLEAFORLOVE.
Andaren’tweallobnoxiousattimes!
Ifachild/persondoesn’tgetthegenuinelovetheyneedanddeservetheywilloftensettleforgettingattention.Attentionisapoorsubstituteforlove.ATTENTIONcaneasilybegottenthroughthrowingatantrum.
HowdoesitaffectuswhenothersinourlifeuseTANTRUMSwithoragainstus?Howdoesitmakeusfeelorreact?*******Whensomeoneusesadulttantrumstogetwhattheywant,ortogettheirway,theiractionswilloftenbe:
DEMORALIZING
DEFEATING
DEBILITATING
DIVIDING
DISTANCING
DISTRESSING
DEMEANING
DISCOURAGING
DESTROYING
DETACHINGor
DAMAGINGothersandtheirrelationshipswiththem.
DOPEOPLELIKEBEINGAROUNDADULTBABIES????
OOOOHHH,NO!
“Somethingsmells!Theyneedtobe‘changed.”
SOMETIMESOTHERSWILLTOLERATETHEADULTBABIESBEHAVIORBECAUSE…
Itmightseemtobethepriceyouhavetopaytokeepthefamilytogetherorkeepyourjob,ornotbeabandonedormadetosufferevenworstthings.
Itmightbethepricetopayforbeingincludedoracceptedintosomesocial,economic,political,orreligiousgroup.
Oftenthealternativechoicesinstandinguptoandaddressthetantrumsseemtoocostly.
Thevictimsdon’tknowhowtodealwithit.
Theyfeeltrappedbyfear.
Itmayevenseemo.k.or‘admirable’tothem.
Isupposeattimesanyofuscaneitherbethe‘tantrumthrower’orthevictimofotherstantrums.
Butitisgoodforallofustodosomeselfexamination.
Nowisagoodtimetostart:
Oncemore,
HOWABOUTGOINGDOWNTHELISTANDCHECKINGTHEONESYOUAREGUILTYOFUSINGorthrowing.
Whodoyouusethemwith/on?
Howoften?
Areothersafraidtotalktoyouaboutyourtantrumsforfearofevenmoreexcessivetantrumsonyourpart?
Doyouseehowyourtantrumsdamageyourrelationships?
Whatistheoppositeofeachnegativetantrumyouthrow?Whatwouldthatlooklike?Howwouldactingintheoppositewayimproveyourrelationships?
Doyouneedtosaysomethingtoothers?
Canyouseehowyourbehavior‘smells’toothers?
Areyouwillingtochange?
Areyougoingtochange?
Whenandhow?
HEREARESOMEBIBLEVERSESTHATPOINTOUTTHENEEDFOREXAMINATION:
¡ Psalm11:4TheLordisinhisholytemple;theLordisonhisheavenlythrone.Heobserveseveryoneonearth;hiseyesexaminethem.
¡ Psalm26:2Testme,Lord,andtryme,examinemyheartandmymind;
¡ Proverbs5:21ForyourwaysareinfullviewoftheLord,andheexaminesallyourpaths.
Areyouabletoidentifyanywaysyouactlikeanadultbaby?
Whatkindoftantrumsdoyou‘throw’?
Athome?
Atwork?
Atschool?
Atchurch?
Atclub?
Atteam?
Whatareyourmethodsoftryingtocontrolothersandgetyourway?
IFYOUASKEDYOURFAMILYIFYOUEVERACTEDLIKEANADULTBABYWHATWOULDTHEYSAY?
Orpeopleatwork?
Orpeopleatchurch?
Orpeopleinyourclub?
Orpeopleinyourpoliticalparty?
Orpeopleonyourteam,club
Orthoseinopposinggroups?
IfyougavethepeopleineachofthoseplacesthelistofYouthandAdultTantrumsandaskedthemtochecktheonesyouareguiltyofusing,whichone’swouldtheycheck?
LETS’THINKABOUTADULT‘SPIRITUAL’BABIES?
ISTHERESUCHATHING?
ICorinthians3:2“Ihadtofeedyouwithmilk,notwithsolidfood,becauseyouweren’treadyforanythingstronger.Andyoustillaren’tready.”
Hebrews5:12“Youhavebeenbelieverssolongnowthatyououghttobeteachingothers.InsteadyouneedsomeonetoteachyouagainthebasicthingsaboutGod’sword.Youarelikebabieswhoneedmilkandcannoteatsolidfood.”
Hebrews5:13“Forsomeonewholivesonmilkisstillaninfantanddoesn’tknowhowtodowhatisright.”
1Corinthians14:20“Dearbrothersandsisters,don’tbechildishinyourunderstandingofthesethings.Beinnocentasbabieswhenitcomestoevil,butbematureinunderstandingmattersofthiskind.”
Ohyes,therearespiritualbabies
Whichareyou?
Areyouatanursinglevelorareyoumature?
SomepeoplehavebeenChristiansformanyyearsbutarestillspiritualbabies.
WhatdoesGodlongtoseeinthelifeofoneofhischildren?
Maturity.
Christlikeness.
Someonewhois
fullofmercy,
fullofgrace,
andtreatsothersthesamewayGoddoes.
Someoneruledbylove.
Someonewhoisgrowingup….
2Corinthians13:9“Wearegladtoseemweakifithelpsshowthatyouareactuallystrong.Wepraythatyouwillbecomemature.”
Ephesians4:13“ThiswillcontinueuntilweallcometosuchunityinourfaithandknowledgeofGod’sSonthatwewillbematureintheLord,measuringuptothefullandcompletestandardofChrist.”
Philippians3:15“Letallwhoarespirituallymatureagreeonthesethings.Ifyoudisagreeonsomepoint,IbelieveGodwillmakeitplaintoyou.”
Hebrews5:14“Solidfoodisforthosewhoaremature,whothroughtraininghavetheskilltorecognizethedifferencebetweenrightandwrong.”
Hebrews6:1“SoletusstopgoingoverthebasicteachingsaboutChristagainandagain.Letusgooninsteadandbecomematureinourunderstanding.Surelywedon’tneedtostartagainwiththefundamentalimportanceofrepentingfromevildeedsandplacingourfaithinGod.”
1John2:13“IamwritingtoyouwhoarematureinthefaithbecauseyouknowChrist,whoexistedfromthebeginning.Iamwritingtoyouwhoareyounginthefaithbecauseyouhavewonyourbattlewiththeevilone.”
WHATDOESANADULTSPIRITUALBABYWANT?
Control,power,influence,andrecognition.
HOWDOESANADULTBABYTALKANDACTATCHURCH?
“I’mnotgettingfed.”
“Nooneisfriendlytome.”
“NooneappreciatesmeandallIdo.”
“I’mleaving.”
“I’mnothelpinganymore.”
“Iquit.”
“I’mtakingover!”
“YOUneedtoleave!”
“Iftheydon’t’doitmyway,I’lltakemytoysandgo.”
“Don’ttheyknowhowmuchmoney(ortime)Igive?”
“Idon’tlikethemusic,schedule,building,bulletin,youthpastors,etc.Iftheydon’tchangeit,I’mgoingelsewhere.”
WHENmightsomeofthesebelegitimate?
Whenmighttheseshowanimmatureattitude?
¡ Hebrews5:14“Butsolidfoodisforthemature,whobyconstantusehavetrainedthemselvestodistinguishgoodfromevil.”
Anadultbaby
¡ Canappearsuccessfulintheworldand/orthechurch.
¡ Theycanbeleadersinbusiness,politics,sports,clubs,families,churches,etc.
¡ Theytryandcontroleverythingthroughtantrums.
¡ AndwhenYOUdon’tdothingstheirway,watchout.
¡ Anger,rage,threats,blackmail,gossip,harshcriticism,complaining,negativity,causingdivisions,seekingfollowers,etc.Nowtheymightspecializeinoneortwotantrumsinsteadofhavingalonglistof10or20tantrumtechniques.
Andtheninthechurch….
HAVETHEMADDGODTOTHEIRSIDEOFTHEARGUMENT,(ESPECIALLYWITHBIBLEVERSES)ANDBROTHER,YOUBETTERWATCHOUT(ANDRUN).
BECAREFUL;ANADULTBABYHASTEETH…….
Galatians5:15NIV“Ifyoubiteanddevoureachother,watchoutoryouwillbedestroyedbyeachother.”
Anadult‘spiritualbaby’canbe
Dangerous
Fearful
Frightening
Powerful
Anabuser
Damaging
Controlling
Threatening
Criticizing
Manipulation
Blackmailing
Coercing
Namecalling
Runningdown
Notforgiving
Gossiping
Lying
Slandering
Judging
(Theyareobviouslyarrogantandinsecure!)
Althoughtheyseemstrong,maybeevenveryspiritual,thetruthistheyarenothingmorethanimmaturebabies,outofcontrol.
ItismostlikelyYOUwillneverbeabletochangethem.Justdon’tlivelikethem.GiveyourselfcompletelytoGodandHewillseeyouthroughit.BelikeJesus.
Ephesians6:29-32Donotletanyunwholesometalkcomeoutofyourmouths,butonlywhatishelpfulforbuildingothersupaccordingtotheirneeds,thatit
maybenefitthosewholisten.30AnddonotgrievetheHolySpiritofGod,withwhomyouweresealedforthedayofredemption.31Getridofallbitterness,rageandanger,brawlingandslander,alongwitheveryformofmalice.32Bekindandcompassionatetooneanother,forgivingeachother,justasinChristGodforgaveyou.
Romans14:19Letusthereforemakeeveryefforttodowhatleadstopeaceandtomutualedification.
Romans14:18-20MakeeveryefforttokeeptheunityoftheSpiritthroughthebondofpeace.
Hebrews4:10-12Makeeveryefforttoliveinpeacewitheveryoneandtobeholy;withoutholinessnoonewillseetheLord.
Romans12:18Ifitispossible,asfarasitdependsonyou,liveatpeacewitheveryone.
Unlessotherwisenoted,allScripturequotationsarefromtheNewInternationalVersionCopyright©1973,1978,1984byInternationalBibleSociety.
ONCEmore:
HOWABOUTGOINGDOWNTHELISTANDCHECKINGTHETANTRUMSYOUAREGUILTYOFUSING.
Whodoyouusethemwith/on?
Howoften?
Doyouseehowitdamagesyourrelationships?
Doyouneedtosaysomethingtoothers?
Whenareyougoingtochange?Nowisagoodtimetostart:
JESUSSAIDOFTHEPHARISEES….”Theyareexpertsatjustifyingtheireveryinconsistency.”
Soareadultbabies
YearsagoIreadaboutacounselorandatechniqueheusedwithmanyclients.
Heoftengavethosewhocameinfortheirfirstsessionaboutabadmarriagethefollowinghomeworkandthentoldthemtheyhadtodoitandreturnittotheofficeinordertobeabletohaveasecondappointment.Iftheydidn’tdothisparthewasn’twillingtoseethemagain.
Heexplainedthatwithoutdoingthisheprobablycouldn’thelpthemmuch.Nowthiswasn’ttosaythattheclientsmatedidn’thavesomerealissuestodealwithbuthehadlearnedthatifthiswasn’tdoneandunderstoodinmanycases,especiallywhenhewasn’tseeingthecoupletogether,hecouldn’tgetveryfarwiththesenewclients.
Heexplainedthattheirfirstassignmentwastofillinthetoprowofasimilarcharttotheonebelow,listingthesixmostseriousthingsthatirritated,upset,disturbedorangeredthemabouttheirmatesattitudesoractions.Hehadthemdothisduringthefirstsession.
Atthispointtheclientisthrilledandpleasedwiththeirdecisiontohavecometothiscounselor.Itdoesn’tlastlong.J
Mostofthetimetheyhadahardtimecuttingtheirlistdowntojustsix.“Thisisfun”theytoldthemselves.Theylikedthisguy.Thatwasabouttochange.
Thenthecounselorexplainedthataftertheyhadaccomplishedthispartoftheassignment,theyhadtolisteightpoororbadresponsesoftheirstoeachofthesixitemsatthetop.
Atthispointtheyweresuretheymisunderstoodwhatthecounselorsaid.“Wouldyourepeatthatplease?Idon’t’thinkIgotthatright.”
“No”thecounselorwouldsay.“Youunderstoodme.”Andherepeatedtheassignment.Thenheexplainedthesimpletruththattheclientwouldneverbeabletochangetheirmate.Period.Soforstartersalltheycanfocusonisthemselvesandtheirpoorattitudesandactions.Theyaretheonlyonetheycanchange.Doingthat,mightleadtotheirmatebeingmoreopentoseetheirbehaviorandthinkaboutchangingthemselves.Maybe.
IrritationsAnnoyingMaddening
1 2 3 4 5 6
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
ButallthatwasNOTwhattheclientcametothecounselor.Theycameforsupportandsympathy.Afterall,whataretheypayingfor?“Itismymatewhoneedschanging.Theyaretheproblem.”
Well,thereisnodoubtthattheotherneedstochangesomethingsbutfornowallthecounselorcandowiththispersonishelpthemidentifytheirpoorbehaviorandhelpthemchange….iftheyarewillingto.“So,dothehomeworkordon’tbothercomingforanothersession.”
AtsomepointinthefirstsessionthecounselorreadMatthew7:3,4withthem.“Whydoyoulookatthespeckofsawdustinyourbrother’seyeandpaynoattentiontotheplankinyourowneye?Howcanyousaytoyourbrother,‘Letmetakethespeckoutofyoureye,’whenallthetimethereisaplankinyourowneye?”
Withthatthestunnedclientwalksoutnotsuretheywanttodothehomework.Thisthingseemedtohavejustturnedsouthandwentsourforthem.
Theclientthenhasatoughdecisiontomake.Italldependsonwhethertheyarematureandwiseenoughtorealizetheyneedtoworkonthemselvesfornow.
ThecounselorbasedthisapproachonthestoryinLukeaboutonetryingpickaspeckoutofsomeoneelse’seyewhentheyhadaplankstickingoutoftheirs.Thatisacommonhumanproblem.Weseeeveryoneelse’sfaultsbutareslowtoseeoursorwearequicktotryandexplainaway,excuseordenyourshortcomings.“Afterall,myissuesarenothingcomparedtomymates!!!”
Well,thatapproachdoesn’thelpusinlifeverymuchanditisacommonstrategyofadultbabies.Sowecanalllearnfromthisexercise.Giveitatry.Putinthenameofyourmate,parent,child,boss,employeeorotherperson.Youmightwanttodowithanumberofdifferentpeopleyouliveorworkwith.
Again,thisisnottosayothersdon’thaveproblemstodealwith,buttheplacetostartinlifeiswithourselves.
Thechildcaughtinsomeinappropriateactionisquicktoyellout“Bobbydidit.”or“Bobbymademedoit.”But,but,but……
Solet’sdoapracticerun.Let’susethisexample.Let’ssayyourmate,friend,parent,orchildisalwayslateforthingsandgettingreadyforthingsanditdrivesyoucrazy.Sowewilllistthatatthetopofacolumn.ALWAYSLATE.
Nowwhatcouldbeeightbadresponsesofourstothat?Thisisnottosaytheydon’thaveaproblembeingpunctual.Theymaybehavingproblemswiththesamethingatworkorschooltoobutwearen’tgoingtofocusontheir‘speck’fornow.
8possiblepoorresponses/tantrumsorresponsesofourstosomeonewhoisalwayslate;theseareourpossibletantrum’srespondingtotheirissue.
(Itwaseasycomingupwith12.)
1.Yellatthemforbeinglate.(Tantrum)
2.Callthemnames.(Tantrum)“Irresponsible.Selfish.Inconsiderate.”
3.Don’tspeaktothemforalongtime.(Tantrum)Silentpunishment.
4.Scoldthem.(Tantrum)Whenareyouevergoingtolearn?Exasperation!Playthevictim.I’msufferingbecauseofyou.Poorme.
Horribilizetheir‘crime’.
5.Makemeanfacesatthem.(Tantrum)Nastylooks.Rollyoureyes.Huffandpuff.
6.Talktoothersaboutthem.(Tantrum)Gossipwithyourmomorwithpeopleatyourwork.
7.Makeabigsceneinfrontofthechildren.(Tantrum)Thisisthetryand‘embarrassthem’intochangingmethod;oritisthe‘victim’scenarioandtryingtowinotherstoyourside.
8.Showuplateordragyourheelsforsomethingimportantforthem.(Tantrum)Teachthemalesson.Letthemseehowitfeels.Revenge!
9.Don’tgototheevent.(Tantrum).Afterallyouaren’tabouttowalkinlate!!Andbesureandblamethem.
10.Ifyoudogo,whenyoushowupbesureandsay,“Wellitisn’tmyfaultwearelate.”(Tantrum).Makesuretheblameisproperlyplaced.
11.Makesarcasticremarks.(Tantrum)“You’llbethelasttoshowupatyourownfuneral.”Makesuretheyknowandeveryoneelseknowsyouaresufferinghorriblylivingwithsuchaperson.
12.Withholdaffection.(Tantrum)Don’ttouch,orbetouched.Nokissorgiveadeadfishkiss.
Hey,hereare12.Thesearetantrums.
Hereisthechallenge.TheRESPONDERisresponsiblefortheseandcan’tblametheother.
ThoseareADULTTANTRUMS.I’msurewecouldfindmore.
Nowmaybetheotherpersonaltrulyhasaproblemwithnotbeingpunctualinlife.Theyneedtodealwiththat.
ButmytantrumsareNOTgoingtohelpfixtheproblem.Infacttheymightbemakingmattersworseanddrivingtheotherintobeinglaterallthemoreasawaytorattlemycageandpunishmeformybehaviorortantrums.Huummmmm
OnecanbesofocusedontheothersSPECK(Oneitem)thattheytotallymisstheir8or10or12badresponses,THEIRLOG,orADULTBABYBEHAVIOR.
Thisexerciseisnotsayingtardinessoranynumberofotherthingsarenotimportantissues,butitissayingweneedtostartwithourselvesandmakesurewearetakingcareofus.
Ourdoingthatmightevenbeanencouragementtotheothertoimproveandchangewhentheyseeourwillingnesstotakeresponsibilityforourpoorattitudesandactions.Wetakethepressureoffbyputtingthepressureonustochangeourbehaviors.Thenwecanbeginthetaskisfindingothermaturewaystodealwiththeothersissueorissues.
SO,outofthehighchair,outofthecrib,putdownthebottleblankieandlet’smoveontomaturity!!!!
I Corinthians 13:11
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.