What is the Ego ?Published by Gerard van Warmerdam February 26th, 2013 0Comments The ego is an identity of our own construction, an identity which is false. If we take all the beliefs of what we are beliefs about our personality, talents, and abilities we have the structure of our ego. These talents, abilities and aspects of our personality will be attributes of our skills, but the mental construct of our self is artificial. And while this description might make the ego seem like a static thing, it is not. Rather, it is an active and dynamic part of our personalities, playing an immense role in creating emotional drama in our lives.When we have thoughts about our self that we agree with we construct a self-image. The kinds of thoughts that contribute to the ego structure are:Im not good at math.I am smart.My freckles make me ugly.Nobody likes me.I am better than you.That was stupid of me.The ego hides behind the I and me in those declarative thoughts and statements about our identity.When we have such thoughts and agree with even the slightest conviction that these ideas define us, then we are building, or reinforcing, an ego. We first have these thoughts when we are kids, perhaps when we were teased on the playground, or when reprimanded or praised by a teacher or parent. In all cultures, developing a self-image is a normal part of socialization. Problems arise, however, when that self-image is negative, inaccurate, or even overly positive. Considering that we develop our concept of self as children, it is inevitable that our self-image doesnt map to reality as adults.The Ego UnmaskedWhy is the ego so hard to explain or describe? The ego is difficult to define because the egoisntone specific thing. It is actually made up of many different beliefs that a person acquires over their life. Those beliefs can be diverse and even contradictory. To further complicate it, each persons ego is different. If someone were to clearly identify and describe all the parts of their ego and what it drives them to do, you might not get a good description of what yours looked like. The challenge of becoming aware of what your personal ego looks like becomes more difficult because our culture doesnt reward us for directing our attention inward and noticing such things.How to Spot the EgoThe ego is difficult to see, because it hides behind opinions that appear true our attachment to descriptions of our identity and because we havent practiced looking. You can get a glimpse by noticing certain thoughts, similar to those listed above. The easier way to spot the ego is by the trail of emotional reactions it leaves behind: Anger at a loved one, a need to be right, a feeling of insecurity in certain situations, feelings of jealousy that are unexplained, the need to impress someone, and so on. These emotions can be attributed to the false beliefs that comprise the ego. In the beginning it is easier to see the symptoms of resulting emotions and drama, rather than the ego that caused it.One of the most deceptive aspects of the ego is that it generates powerful emotional reactions, and then blames us for how it made us feel. The anger we react with comes from ego based beliefs of being right and knowing better than someone else. Perhaps there is also a victim interpretation of betrayal or injustice underneath. After we overreact with anger we might feel badly for what we expressed. The ego shifts to a righteous self that knows better and berates us for overreacting with anger. At the same time, it assumes the identity of being the stupid idiot thatdidntknow any better and takes the blame for overreacting. All these attitudes, thoughts, and beliefs take place in the mind, and even though they are completely different, we assume all of them come from us. If they really were expressions coming from our genuine self, theywouldntcontradict, and we would be able to stop them.To the unaware person, it is difficult to discern the difference between what is ego and what is really them. They are left to wonder, What came over me that I reacted that way? Even their post-emotional analysis lacks the consideration to see the different parts of their belief system at work as separate from themselves. As a result, everything they express is blamed on themselves by one of the condemning voices in their head. In effect, the ego hijacks the analysis and turns it into a self-criticism/blame process. When the ego controls the self-reflection process you have no chance of seeing the root cause of your emotional dramas, as the ego reaffirms itself and hides in the self-criticism.Is the ego arrogant or insecure?Having an ego is usually associated with arrogance and is a term used to describe someone who thinks they are better than others. Yet this is only one part of the ego. In fact, it is possible to have some positive self-esteem and some negative self-esteem we are aware of these different beliefs at different times. The negative beliefs about our self make up our negative self-esteem, while our positive thoughts comprise our positive self-esteem. Together, the negative and positive esteem forms our ego.Quite often, these two aspects of our personality are nearly equal in magnitude and offset each other emotionally. A person who is very hard on themselves with their inner critic may have feelings of worthlessness. This is a painful emotion to live with, and in order to mask the pain, they might cover it up with bravado, projecting an image of security and confidence, all the while struggling with feelings of insecurity, worthlessness and inadequacy.Arrogance is markedly different from the confidence that doesnt come from ego. A person can be completely confident in their ability, skill, or self-acceptance, without letting it go to their head and impacting their interactions with others. And while humility may often be mistaken for shyness and insecurity, a person of true humility is fully present and at peace with themselves and their surroundings. Confidence without arrogance, humility without insecurity, these are manners of personality that are without the self-image dynamics of the ego.Letting Go of the EgoBecause the ego has multiple aspects, it is not practical or effective to dissolve all of it at once, nor is it likely that you could do so. Much like a tree or large bush that is overgrown in the yard, you dont just lift it out and throw it away you cut off manageable pieces instead. The same approach is effective with letting go of the false beliefs that make up the ego. You begin by detaching from individual thoughts that reinforce the ego, then let go of beliefs, separating yourself from the false identity of your ego.We have spent years building our ego self-images, living inside of them, and reinforcing them. Extracting our genuine self out of this matrix of false beliefs will take more than a few days. Yes, it will take a while so what. It also took a while to learn to read, do math, walk, and develop proficiency at any valuable skill. Things worth doing take time and practice. What better thing do you have to do than let go of what is causing you unhappiness?For a practical step-by-step process in identifying and changing the core beliefs that comprise the ego, sample the free sessions of the Self-Mastery series.2What is the Ego, Anyway?{ comments closed }The world will ask you who you are, and if you do not know, the world will tell you. ~Carl JungImagine just having been born.You dont know anything. Youve never experienced anything.But suddenly there is light, and chaos. Youre exposed, and cold. Blurry shapes are moving all around you. Sounds strike you with an edge much sharper they ever had in the womb. The whole scene is bright and loud, and the shapes move so quickly.There is so much happening. It is all completely alien and extremely intense. Its upsetting. You cry.Among other things, you are seeing what you will later learn to call faces. But they are not faces yet. They are shapes, with a pattern that will soon become familiar to you.You are hearing what you will later be told are voices. One of them is already very familiar to you. You will be told to call it Mommy.The one thing you are certainly not aware of, is you. You are aware of all these shapes and sounds and feelings, but you arent perceiving them as happening to you or to anyone else. You are only aware that they are happening.How will you ever make sense of it all?Luckily, you are human (though youre not aware of that yet) and human minds have the power of association. Without even trying, you begin to associate certain shapes and sounds with certain thoughts. You associate your mothers voice with comfort. Your mothers voice becomes comfort. You might associate the dark with sleepiness, maybe loneliness too. You might associate bathtime with fun, or horror, depending on what happens emotionally during your bathtimes.Associations like this accumulate. From experience, X makes you expect Y. Then X begins to symbolize Y. Eventually X may become indistinguishable from Y. Youll keep adding them over time.This is handy for sorting out the chaos around you. You can tell, for example, that the thing with the warm hands and soothing voice is usually good news for you. Its a simple association. This is the primary tool youll use to make sense of the whirling scenes around you.You are still only looking outwards, and it has not yet occurred to you to inquire as to what is doing the looking. After all, the entirety of existence every shape, sound, character and story appears to be there, somewhere outwards. You dont yet have a reason to contemplate what is at the center of all this action. Over the first few years of your life, you will be taught that certain shapes and thoughts and sensations are you. When you look down, youll notice several appendages extending away from your point of view, which you will be taught are your body and your arms and your legs.At this point, there is still nothing to suggest that there is any boundary between you and the world around you. The feet you see when you look down are just things out there, no more you or yours than the floor beneath them.But those words the adults use: you and yours, for which you learn to substitute me and mine, will eventually trigger you to assign a special status to certain things.They tell you the red book is yours, and the blue book is not yours.The things youve vested with this special status begin to carry extra weight, emotionally speaking. To lose the red book is much worse than losing the blue book, because the red book was yours.Through all your interactions with other people, you begin to build a concept of what is at the center of all of this stuff happening: a person, kind of like the people youve come to know in your life. They dont look like you though; from your point of view they are arranged quite differently. You wouldnt suspect, for example, that you have, hidden from your immediate view, a face like the ones youve seen on others.The worst association of allThe most devastating turn of events happens nearly the same way for almost everyone. You are looking in a mirror, marveling at the child on the other side of the glass, when your parent says, Thats you.At first it makes no sense, because they are pointing at the toddler in the mirror, not at you. And that familiar toddler, the occasional friend of yours where is he when youre not in front of the mirror? He never seems to make an appearance anywhere else.Your parents are quite stubborn about calling him you, even though thats your nickname, and eventually you do take their word for it. Above all else youve already learned that your parents know better than you, and you gradually digest this unlikely-sounding claim like any other.As you get older, you will associate more and more worldly things with you. Your clothes. Your toys. Your friends. Your room. Your house. A bit of you seems to be invested everywhere. There is a lot to worry about, because your fate seems to depend, at least a little, on the fate of each of these objects too.But it gets heavier. Along with those, you begin to identify with intangible things which also carry this special, extra-sensitive status.Your turn. Your idea. Your way. Your problem. Your fault.By this time, you will have no doubts whatsoever that the image in the mirror is you. Now the collection of thoughts and objects with that special status has a clear appearance and a compelling storyline, and you become hopelessly preoccupied with tending to it.That figure in the mirror, disappointingly tiny compared to the 360-degree world you were preoccupied with before, becomes the most important part of the scenery to deal with. You begin to associate your history and your traits with it: how smart it is, what it is good at and bad at, what it deserves, what it fears, what it hopes for, where it has been and where it is going.Its all you really have. God forbid anything will happen to it.By this time you are completely convinced that this image and its story comprise the entirety of who you are. There is nothing outside of it.

Steering the storyAnd ever after, anything that happens to that image, and the story that goes with it, is happening to you. When the story goes how you want, the image gains something. It looks better. When it disappoints, the image loses something, and you dont like it as much.Because this face and this story allegedly comprise the entirety of who you are, the importance of steering this storyline and its vulnerable little hero grips you with the most dire seriousness.Even though most of what happens to it is beyond your control, you find it absolutely imperative that the image and its story become something you like. At this, you mustnt fail.But the story always seems to be deviating from its ideal path, and it will always feel like something is wrong, or at least in danger of going wrong. Something that is supposed to happen hasnt happened yet, or something has happened that wasnt supposed to.For all our skill in manipulating the story, deep down we know circumstances could crush us at any time. But we do our best to steer it towards a storyline we can accept. We feel a constant need to make adjustments, to secure a future that will fulfill this most important of all needs.This is the game we learn to play, and its very, very hard to win.You are never what you think you areThe face in the mirror, and the haphazard story we associate with it, is the ego.In other words, the ego is what you think you are.The ego is often defined as a false sense of self, but I think thats misleading. It implies that there is an accurate way of thinking of who you are, and an inaccurate way. Bad self-esteem and good self-esteem. But whos to say if your image is right or not? Self-esteem is ego, whether your self-thoughts comfort you or horrify you.How could our thoughts even possibly pin down who we are? How could our notoriously fickle, free-associating monkey minds ever come up with an meaningful estimation of what the combination our jobs, faces, body-types, relationships, capabilities, experiences, fears and desires actually mean? All that stuff is the content of your life; its the style, the flavor, but do all those details really add up to a person?Of course not, because what we think of ourselves is constantly changing, not just day to day, but moment to moment, and mood to mood. At different times, I have thought of myself as anything from an insufferable loser, to a freaking genius, to a guy who can never quite get his shit together, to a guy whos never had a serious problem in his life. What I think I am is so fickle and so dependent on moods and circumstances, that it cant possibly be right ever!The ego is always just a big, seething grab-bag of thoughts that could be different at any time. But usually we dont recognize that. Generally, in the colloquial way we talk about people, as in you and me, were referring to our egos our acquired identities, based on the forms in our life.That is to say, its completely normal in our society to confuse your ego for yourself. It has never even occurred to most people that they are not what they think they are.This has enormous implications for the quality of our lives and our societies, too enormous to cover in the scope of this article. For now, suffice it to say that the worst of human behavior stems from this brutal mistake.Clearly you cant be your thoughts. After all, who would you be when youre not thinking?So what are you then? Whats left over? You know youre not who you think you are, or at least who you think you are is only an undependable, highly circumstantial part of the whole story.Remember, we didnt have an ego when we were born. We accumulated it through making associations. So who what was doing that thinking and perceiving, before it was even aware of itself?If you recall:You are aware of all these shapes and sounds and feelings, but you arent perceiving them as happening to you or to anyone else. You are only aware that they are happening.How do we get back there? Is it possible, after all the self-ascribing opinions weve taken on over the years? We need a way to see clearly what we were before the ego came along and said Hey, Im you.We cant untangle this mess of thoughts with more thinking any better than we could clean a dirty floor with more dirt.Thats where Douglas Hardings work becomes particularly useful. Stay tuned.3Self esteem

Self-Esteem What is self-esteem? Self-esteem is how we value ourselves; it is how we perceive our value to the world and how valuable we think we are to others. Self-esteem affects our trust in others, our relationships, our work nearly every part of our lives. Positive self-esteem gives us the strength and flexibility to take charge of our lives and grow from our mistakes without the fear of rejection. Following are some outward signs of positive self-esteem: Confidence Self-direction Non-blaming behavior An awareness of personal strengths An ability to make mistakes and learn from them An ability to accept mistakes from others Optimism An ability to solve problems An independent and cooperative attitude Feeling comfortable with a wide range of emotions An ability to trust others A good sense of personal limitations Good self-care The ability to say no

What is low self-esteem? Low self-esteem is a debilitating condition that keeps individuals from realizing their full potential. A person with low self-esteem feels unworthy, incapable, and incompetent. In fact, because the person with low self-esteem feels so poorly about him or herself, these feelings may actually cause the persons continued low self-esteem. Here are some signs of low self-esteem: Negative view of life Perfectionist attitude Mistrusting others even those who show signs of affection Blaming behavior Fear of taking risks Feelings of being unloved and unlovable Dependence letting others make decisions Fear of being ridiculed

How can you raise low self-esteem? Feelings of low self-esteem often build up over a lifetime, and letting go of ingrained feelings and behaviors is not an easy task. It may take time, hard work, and it may require professional counseling. But there are some simple, positive thinking techniques that can be used to help improve self-esteem. These are called affirmations. Using affirmations to stop negative self-talk is a simple, positive way to help increase self-esteem. Affirmations are encouraging messages we can give ourselves every day until they become part of our feelings and beliefs. Affirmations work best when a person is relaxed. But since people are often upset when they are giving themselves negative self-messages, they may need to counter negative messages with positive ones. For example, replace the message I made a stupid mistake, and I am no good at this job, with Yes, I made a mistake but I have learned from it, and now I can a better job. Begin each day by looking in the mirror and giving yourself a positive message. The following affirmations can help you to work toward a positive self-image: I respect myself and others I am lovable and likable I am confident, and it shows I acre about myself I am creating loving, healthy relationships I am a good friend to myself and others I accept myself just as I am I look great Life is good, and I like being a part of it

Site: www.PRPonline.net ASAP offers confidential, cost-free assessment, counseling, consultation and referral services to all UCDHS faculty, staff, and their family members. Whether the problem is work-related, personal, career or relationship focused, ASAP can assist you in evaluating and resolving the problem. You can call ASAP at 916-734-2727 for an appointment2Self-ConfidenceSelf-confidence is an attitude which allows individuals to have positive yet realistic views of themselves and their situations. Self-confident people trust their own abilities, have a general sense of control in their lives, and believe that, within reason, they will be able to do what they wish, plan, and expect. Having self-confidence does not mean that individuals will be able to do everything. Self-confident people have expectations that are realistic. Even when some of their expectations are not met, they continue to be positive and to accept themselves.People who are not self-confident depend excessively on the approval of others in order to feel good about themselves. They tend to avoid taking risks because they fear failure. They generally do not expect to be successful. They often put themselves down and tend to discount or ignore compliments paid to them. By contrast, self-confident people are willing to risk the disapproval of others because they generally trust their own abilities. They tend to accept themselves; they dont feel they have to conform in order to be accepted.Self-confidence is not necessarily a general characteristic which pervades all aspects of a persons life. Typically, individuals will have some areas of their lives where they feel quite confident, e.g., academics, athletics, while at the same time they do not feel at all confident in other areas, e.g., personal appearance, social relationships.How is Self-Confidence Initially Developed?Many factors affect the development of self-confidence. Parents attitudes are crucial to childrens feelings about themselves, particularly in childrens early years. When parents provide acceptance, children receive a solid foundation for good feelings about themselves. If one or both parents are excessively critical or demanding, or if they are overprotective and discourage moves toward independence, children may come to believe they are incapable, inadequate, or inferior. However, if parents encourage childrens moves toward self-reliance and accept and love their children when they make mistakes, children will learn to accept themselves and will be on their way to developing self-confidence.Surprisingly, lack of self-confidence is not necessarily related to lack of ability. Instead it is often the result of focusing too much on the unrealistic expectations or standards of others, especially parents and society. Friends influences can be as powerful or more powerful than those of parents and society in shaping feelings about ones self. Students in their college years re-examine values and develop their own identities and thus are particularly vulnerable to the influence of friends.Assumptions that Continue to Influence Self-ConfidenceIn response to external influences, people develop assumptions; some of these are constructive and some are harmful. Several assumptions that can interfere with self-confidence and alternative ways of thinking are:Assumption: I must always have love or approval from every significant person in my life.Alternative: This is a perfectionistic, unattainable goal. It is more realistic and desirable to develop personal standards and values that are not completely dependent on the approval of others.Assumption: I must be thoroughly competent, adequate, and achieving in all important areas of my life.Alternative: This again is a perfectionistic, unattainable goal and suggests that personal worth is determined by achievement. Achievement can be satisfying but does not make you more worthy. Instead, worth is an inherent quality and all people possess it.Assumption: My past remains all important and control my feelings and behaviors in the present.Alternative: While it is true that your confidence was especially vulnerable to external influences during your childhood, as you grow older you can gain awareness and perspective on what those influences have been. In doing so, you can choose which influences you will continue to allow to have an effect on your life. You dont have to be helpless in the face of past events.Self-Defeating Thought PatternsSubscribing to these harmful assumptions leaves you vulnerable to the following self-defeating thought patterns: All Or Nothing Thinking. &quotI am a total failure when my performance is not perfect. Seeing Only Dark Clouds. Disaster lurks around every corner and comes to be expected. For example, a single negative detail, piece of criticism, or passing comment darkens all reality. &quotI got a C on one chem test, now Ill never get into medical school. Magnification Of Negative/Minimization Of Positive. Good things dont count nearly as much as bad ones. &quotI know I won five chess games in a row, but losing this one makes me feel terrible about myself. Uncritical Acceptance Of Emotions As Truth. &quotI feel ugly so it must be true. Overemphasis On &quotShould Statements. &quotShould statements are often perfectionistic and reflective of others expectations rather than expressive of your own wants and desires. &quotEveryone should have a career plan when they come to college. I dont so there must be something wrong with me. Labeling. Labeling is a simplistic process and often conveys a sense of blame. &quotI am a loser and its my fault. Difficulty Accepting Compliments. &quotYou like this outfit? I think it makes me look fat.The following strategies may help overcome such self-defeating thought patterns.Strategies for Developing Confidence Emphasize Strengths. Give yourself credit for everything you try. By focusing on what you can do, you applaud yourself for efforts rather than emphasizing end products. Starting from a base of what you should do helps you live within the bounds of your inevitable limitations. Take Risks. Approach new experiences as opportunities to learn rather than occasions to win or lose. Doing so opens you up to new possibilities and can increase your sense of self-acceptance. Not doing so turns every possibility into an opportunity for failure, and inhibits personal growth. Use Self-Talk. Use self-talk as an opportunity to counter harmful assumptions. Then, tell yourself to &quotstop and substitute more reasonable assumptions. For example, when you catch yourself expecting perfection, remind yourself that you cant do everything perfectly, that its only possible to try to do things and to try to do them well. This allows you to accept yourself while still striving to improve. Self-Evaluate. Learn to evaluate yourself independently. Doing so allows you to avoid the constant sense of turmoil that comes from relying exclusively on the opinions of others. Focusing internally on how you feel about your own behavior, work, etc. will give you a stronger sense of self and will prevent you from giving your personal power away to others.4Chapter NineTranscending the EgoIn all delusions, finally, the feelings that accompany them revolve around the ego. When you want something even as insignificant as an ice cream cone, the thought in your mind is, I want it; its for me; I will get to enjoy it myself! This is what I mean by revolving ones feelings around the ego. They verily churn the ether.Our first need, then, is to neutralize those feelings: our emotional reactions; our likes and dislikes; our attractions and aversions; our attachments and repulsions. Hence Patanjalis definition of yoga as chitta vritti nirodha the neutralization of the vortices of feeling.Our subtlest and most intimate feelings, however, pertain directly to the ego itself, and act as constant ego-reminders: ego-boosters, ego-deflators. These tendencies must be completely eliminated before we can achieve liberation. Each vortex of feeling draws energy inward to its center in egoic awareness. The ego itself forms the supreme vortex.In the simple thought, I want an ice cream cone, two concepts exist: I, and ice cream cone. The concept I ties the ice cream cone to oneself, but if I emphasize that thought further and think, How clever of me to have had this idea! And then, How much more clever than my friends, who thought only of drinking a glass of water! And then maybe even, Its people like me who help to boost the national economy! And finally, They ought to make me the next president! In all this we see that the ice cream cone itself has come to play a minor role compared to the more central thought, I.When the thought of self becomes paramount, the ego takes to spinning about itself, becoming ever larger as it does so. It is good to work on eliminating all desires, but it is even more important to do ones best to diminish the magnetic power of the ego itself, for the greater that magnetism, the greater also will be the number of outer fulfillments it will attract to itself.It is necessary above all, therefore, to attack ego-consciousness directly, and not only to work indirectly at removing, one by one, every outward attachment and desire. If I want fame, for instance, it is more important to convince myself of my own unimportance than to become merely convinced of the shallowness of public recognition. If I want money, it is important to persuade myself that the self-glorification induced by wealth is worse than attachment to a swollen bank account.Paramhansa Yogananda used to say, Money and fame are like prostitutes: loyal to no man. Yet the pride they induce are like a disease which eats directly at ones inner peace and happiness. A person may rightly say that if one takes advantage of others, he will live in constant fear of being taken advantage of in return. In himself, however, the self-affirmation that accompanies such wrong behavior is a ball and chain heavier and more self-impeding than attraction to the desired objects themselves. If I steal, I affirm my own worth as a human being above that of other human beings. If I seek fame for myself rather than for whatever good I may be able to accomplish in the world, I push my ego above all the other waves around me, and try, as a result, to distance myself from my own true source in God.Thus, more important than working on specific desires, attachments, and outwardly directed delusions is the work I do to eliminate my sense of separateness from the great Ocean of Life.What can I do, then, to minimize this supreme self-definition this unceasing awareness that I am in some way separate and different from everything and everyone else? Here are a few suggestions:1. When someone tells a good story, dont try to top it with another one. Let his story receive the appreciation it deserves. Laugh appreciatively. Be generous: allow him this moment in the limelight.2. When someone praises you, consider (before you respond) whether even a modest disclaimer of worthiness may not make you appear to be slighting his opinion, or his good taste. If, for example, someone compliments you on how nicely you are dressed, dont reply with a deprecating laugh, What, these old rags!? It would be far better simply to thank him. Or again, if he compliments you for something youve done, answer him, Thank you, though your praise belongs to God, who alone is the true Doer.3. When someone has a good idea, even one you yourself have already had, you may find it helpful to say simply, Thats a good idea! Dont say, Yes, Ive often had that same thought myself.4. If someone makes an incorrect statement, dont bother to correct him unless you consider it important to do so. But if it does seem important enough to speak up, then, instead of flatly contradicting him, make it clear first that you know he is interested only, as are you, in the truth.5. When someone tells a joke, dont tell another one unless you think it will add to the conversation. Dont speak, in other words, merely to be heard, or out of a wish to top him.6. Dont be self-effacing. Simply show calm respect to everyone. Show respect even to foolish people and more so, if anything, to children, because of the common tendency to speak to them condescendingly. The children may be wiser than you think. But I have found that even foolish people may sometimes be used by God to keep one humble.7. In conversation, dont wait impatiently for your chance to speak your piece. Listen respectfully, and, if possible, listen with interest. Try to make it a conversation, not a competition of monologues.8. Be sincere. Dont back bashfully into the limelight as someone once described Albert Einstein doing. Let your modesty express your true feeling, and not be a show you put on to impress others. Persuade yourself by countless and constant little affirmations that you are only a ripple on the great Ocean of Consciousness. Only the Divine Ocean itself is of any true consequence.9. In group conversations, be neither a groundhog (diving into your hole in fear of your own shadow) nor a lion (beating everyone into submission with the loudness of your roar), but think rather in terms simply of sharing with others.10. When speaking in public, think more in terms of what you share with others than of their impression of you.11. Show respect for all, but dont insist that they respect you properly. And if they do scorn or insult you, remind yourself, This is their problem, not mine.12. Show others appreciation not only because they will then be more likely to appreciate you, but also, and more importantly, because thereby you will expand your own sense of identity.13. Laugh with others, but never at them.14. When someone criticizes you, analyze yourself to see whether there may not be something in you that needs correction. Dont answer hotly or challengingly, Oh? And what about you?! proceeding then to list his shortcomings, which balance your own. Dont be defensive, and never try to justify yourself. Often, however, it is a mistake to admit to a fault, for unless the other person is a true friend, he may someday hold that admission over your head. Simply say, Thank you. Maybe you are right. I will give the matter my careful consideration. In this way you will not involve yourself in any personal or emotional complications.15. Be more aware of what you give out to others than of what you receive from them. Even in gratitude your focus should be more on your expression of it than on the appreciation you feel. (I am aware that this advice can be twisted, for the good others do to us is in itself worthwhile, and in no way depends on our reaction to it. When I was a small child, I once said to my mother, So-and-so gave me a candy, and I said, Thank you. Wasnt that good of me? Mother replied, No, it wasnt good. It was what you should have done! Good advice, indeed! Never bask in your own glory. Do good to others, then forget it. The good that you do belongs to the universe. Why limit it by centering it in yourself?)16. If someone calls you a fool, say, Thank you. I like to be reminded of how unimportant I really am.17. If someone calls you a genius, say, Thank you. Though I do my best, I am well aware that any good I do comes not from me, but from God. The beauty of the clouds at sunset is due only to the suns light upon them.18. If someone belittles something youve done, say to him, I am sorry it doesnt please you. I hope to succeed better next time. Meanwhile, tell yourself, The fruits of all my actions, whether good, mediocre, or bad, belong only to God. It is He who has dreamed this whole show.19. If someone laughs at you, try sincerely to laugh with him. If he tells a story about you that makes you look ridiculous, again, laugh with him and then, if you like, tell another one on yourself in the same vein. Do this with a view above all of deflecting from yourself any thought that may arise in your mind that you deserve better treatment. If, however, his laughter is deliberately unkind, inappropriate, or in bad taste, calmly show your lack of interest, and divert the conversation to another topic.20. If a shopkeeper quotes you a price that seems to you outrageous for something you want to buy, dont rail at him. Say instead, Im sure its worth that price to you, but its more than I myself will pay. Show him respect, in other words; dont haggle with him, or say disgustedly, What, that price for such a piece of junk? (After all, youve already shown your own interest in that junk.) Secondly, by showing him that you respect him, youll receive from him the best price possible, for hell want to show you respect in return. For yourself, moreover and this is our present concern you wont create waves of reaction that would inevitably return at last to yourself.21. In competition against others in sports, for instance do your best to win, but tell yourself you are really competing against yourself, to improve your own skill. Whether you win or lose, be gracious. I remember once, when I was sixteen, that I was losing a tennis game against someone whom I considered an inferior player to myself. To teach him a lesson, I gave the ball a vicious uppercut with my racket thereby demonstrating the worst possible form in that game! (One is supposed to hold the racket parallel to the ground.) I hit myself on the nose with the racket, and caused it to bleed heavily. In fact, I broke my nose. I remember lying there on the court, laughing heartily at the absurdity of my own action, which had so thoroughly disproved my high opinion of my own ability. My laughter was for the beauty of this perfect lesson.22. Never draw peoples attention to yourself. Try to keep it centered in the topic under discussion.23. If someone challenges your point of view, never let the discussion sink to a level of personal animosity. I once mentioned to my father something Id read once about a claim that the Mexican central plateau had risen suddenly, in a cataclysm, to its present height. My father, who as a geologist believed in what is called gradualism, scoffed at this claim. When I tried to defend it, he said, I think you ought to respect my opinion. I replied, I do indeed respect it as an opinion. Both of us quickly veered away from what threatened to become a perfectly useless argument.24. Try to have neither a superiority nor an inferiority complex. Tell yourself simply, Whatever is, is; and whatever I am, I am. I refuse to make value judgments in the matter. All of us are simply playing our parts in the cosmic drama. Let me do my best, only, to play my part well.25. Every day, and throughout the day, try to reduce your self-definition to zero. If you are famous in the eyes of the world, tell yourself, I am nothing and no one. If you hold an important position of any kind, tell yourself, When I die, all this will be lost. Even now, then, I am nothing. If you are unknown, or despised and rejected by others, tell yourself, In my nothingness, I am everything! I am not this body: I am a part equally so to all other parts of Infinite Reality!26. Try to see God in all, and to love Him in all. For everyone on earth, each in his own way and no matter how mistakenly, is trying to find his own nature: Divine Bliss!27. When death itself comes as it must someday offer your life up gladly to God: to Infinite Consciousness. Never dwell on the mistakes youve made in your life. Offer them rather to God, and tell Him, I claim for myself no credit or blame for anything I have done. I am forever an offshoot of Thy Infinite Perfection.I have offered here a few suggestions, only, for how you can rise above ego. Think of these thoughts as starters, merely, to guide you in your own efforts to thread your way through the intricate maze of maya.I remember, years ago, working earnestly on developing humility. To my astonishment I awoke one morning to the realization that I was becoming proud of my humility!Ego-transcendence is the very essence of spiritual progress. One wonders why so little teaching has been devoted to it, and so much more emphasis has been placed on ego-suppression. One wonders also why, especially among renunciates, so much attention has been given to indirect efforts such as eliminating attachments and desires. Naturally these self-limitations must be renounced also, the energy formerly committed to them channeled upward unidirectionally to the brain and the spiritual eye between the eyebrows. I can only think that the reason ego-transcendence has received so little attention is that most people during Kali Yuga could not comprehend that the ego really has no existence except in its fleeting dream-reality. This brief seeming is only (as my Guru said) like a glimmer of sunlight reflected in a sliver of glass on the roadside.Even at the beginning of this Dwapara Yuga, matter itself has been shown to consist only of vibrations of energy. It is possible, now, to understand at least intellectually that our separate reality is only an ever-changing cloud, and that we are all, in truth, but a single reality.Does it look to you as though I were trying to reduce everyone to a pale shadow? If so, let me say further that I myself only really began to accomplish anything in my own life once Id succeeded in persuading myself that God alone was the Doer.I tried at one point to see if, by sitting back and turning it all over to Him, He would take over. It was an experiment, nothing more. I was lecturing in church, and at a certain point simply stopped speaking and waited for Him to step in and speak through me.Well, He didnt. I was convinced, then, that I had to do my bit. Paramhansa Yogananda taught people to pray, I will reason, I will will, I will act, but guide Thou my reason, will, and activity to the right path in everything.We have to play our part, but if we tell ourselves, He is the Doer; He can infuse His power into me, we find He wont do it. At least, as long as I remained unspeaking, complete silence reigned. I was unembarrassed, but some people in the audience believed, anxiously, that Id frozen with fear.One or two friends, after reading what Ive written about eliminating the ego, have protested, But how, then, will Masters prediction be fulfilled, when he said, Someday lion-like swamis will come from India and spread this message all over?Do they think Ive counseled everyone to become a wimp? Far from it! The more one can get himself out of the way, the better God will be able to work through him. What happens is that one learns to use his own, but God-given, power. 5Chapter TenTruthfulnessIn India I once met a wealthy man who boasted of being a true renunciate. I have willed all my property, he told me proudly, to my children. Personally, I own nothing. I am free!Yet his self-definition exuded wealth and the pride that accompanies wealth. His renunciation was a pure sham (if a sham may be called pure). He was still surrounded by the trappings of wealth. He lived in his own large mansion, had many servants, and drove everywhere in an expensive car. I had no doubt that he could easily have reclaimed everything hed handed over to others. As nearly as I could tell, all hed renounced was the civic duty to pay taxes!For those who would renounce truly, firm truthfulness is a necessity: especially self-truthfulness. It is a tendency of human nature to seek constant self-justification. A person will say, Well, its true I cheat a little when playing bridge but I did put twenty dollars in the collection plate last Sunday at church! Or, I certainly have my faults, as everyone does, but Im not guilty of that particular one! Or, but I only did that to help him (or her). Or that wasnt really wrong of me, because everybody does it.One might protest, Yes, I know I smoke a little now and then, but at least I dont drink! And another might say, Yes, its true I take a little sip now and then, but at least I dont smoke!If people are accused of wrong behavior, they usually try to justify it. A car thief will say, That will teach people not to leave their cars unlocked! A person who enjoys slandering others will protest, Im really only trying to help everyone to be better. Someone who practices fraud will say, Well, everyone does something. Its a dog-eat-dog world, and anyone who doesnt think first for himself will get eaten up.One day, someone came into my home to do some work, and tracked heavy mud onto the living room carpet. When I protested, he replied, Thats only mud from my boots! as if to say, What do you have against Mother Nature?The renunciate should be especially careful not to justify his mistakes. He may, out of moral weakness, succumb to a temptation. If he does so, he should never pretend to himself, or to anyone else, that his indulgence was in some way not wrong. It was wrong, simply and completely. Only by utter self-honesty can one hope eventually to come out of delusion.When Jesus Christ passed through Samaria and met the woman by the well, he recognized her, Yogananda said, as a fallen disciple from past incarnations, and wanted to test her readiness to be re-accepted. He therefore said to her, Go, call thy husband, and come hither. To that, she answered, I have no husband. He replied, Thou hast well said, I have no husband, for thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly. (John 4:1618) Only after shed spoken the truth did he consent to take her on as a disciple once again.This is not to say that you should blurt out your defects openly before the world. Be circumspect. Those who are themselves steeped in delusion will attack you like a pack of hungry wolves. Keep your own counsel. Never try, however, to persuade anyone that your wrong desires are anything but delusions.I faulted those two yogis (whom I mentioned above) for what looked to me like a deficiency of truthfulness. I dont know all the facts, and dont pretend to judge those men. But certainly, if they made a promise on which they didnt deliver, they were being untruthful. And it is probably on the basis of that untruth, more even than on those actions, that karmic law will judge them, if in fact it does.The main purpose of renunciation is to gain the ability to separate truth from error, and thereby to see delusion for what it is: a lie not pure, certainly, but (once youve seen through it) quite simple!Be truthful, therefore, even in minor matters. If, for example, youve told someone, Ill buy a newspaper and read that news, be sure you obtain a newspaper at least somehow, and read that article.If you tell someone, Ill be there without fail, be very sure you dont fail.Many years ago, in Los Angeles, I went to an Indian friend to borrow a dhoti (an Indian garment for men) for the performance of a play Id written. A friend of his was there, another Indian. As I was leaving he said, I will definitely be there. He hadnt asked me where the performance would be. He didnt ask me when. He didnt ask me what it would be about. I knew he wouldnt be there, and of course he wasnt. Why, then, did he tell me hed definitely come?There is a lamentable tendency in many countries of the East to tell people what a person thinks they want to hear. In Japan, I once asked a salesman if I could buy something for shipment to America. Anxious not to disappoint me, he started affirmatively to nod his head, then stopped and softly muttered, No.This tendency is, to my mind, a weakness. In India, some years after Mahatma Gandhis bold example of truthfulness, I encountered many who tried to follow it by spouting insulting truths. Gandhi never did that! He always showed respect for others realities. What we should speak is the helpful, kindly truth. If a person is stupid, will it help him to tell him so? Of course not! Offer a truth respectfully, and with kindly concern for the persons ability to accept it usefully.With oneself, however, one should be if not ruthlessly honest, at least impartially so. (Isnt it interesting, how many people consider truthfulness and honesty to be, virtually, synonyms? Its as though they understood that untruthfulness is truly, in some way, dishonest as though cheating others of what was rightly theirs.)By strict truthfulness you will align yourself with the Reality behind manifested existence. The completely truthful person develops so Patanjali declared the power to bring into manifestation his mere word.This, by the way, is another reason why you should always tell the truth: Anything you say may unexpectedly and perhaps undesirably manifest as reality. Even if your spiritual power is still only slight, you may inadvertently hit a calm moment in the swirl of what Yogananda called the thwarting crosscurrents of ego, and find your lightest statements become outwardly a reality.