What is the acceptable minimum age for your own (and others’) dating partners?

When this question comes up in conversation, someone inevitably cites the “half

your age plus seven” rule(link is external). This rules states that by dividing your

own age by two and then adding seven you can find the socially-acceptable

minimum age of anyone you want to date.  So if you’re a 24 year-old, you can feel

free to be with anyone who is at least 19 (i.e., 12 + 7) but not someone who is

18.1 The (lesser-applied) other side of the rule defines amaximum age boundary:

Take your age, subtract 7, and double it. So for a 24-year old, the upper age limit

would be 34 (i.e., 17 * 2). With some quick math, the rule provides a minimum and

maximum partner age based on your actual age that, if you choose to follow it, you

can use to guide your dating decisions.

A Chart of the Rule's Max and Min Partner Age Discrepancies Based on a Person's

Actual Age

The utility of this equation is that it lets you chart acceptable age discrepancies that

adjust over the years. According to the rule, for example, a 30-year-old should be

with a partner who is at least 22, while a 50-year-old’s dating partner must be at least

32 to not attract (presumed) social sanction. 

But how legitimate is this rule? Does it match our scientific understanding of age-

related preferences for dating? Does it always apply? Should it ever?

Let's examine it:

How well does the rule reflect scientific evidence for age preferences?

Researchers Buunk and colleagues (2000) asked men and women to identify the

ages they would consider when evaluating someone for relationships of different

levels of involvement. People reported distinct age preferences for marriage; a

serious relationship; falling in love; casual sex; and sexual fantasies. Did they follow

“the rule”?

Based on the figures Buunk and colleagues (2000) provided (and thus the numbers

are only informed approximations), I replotted their data superimposing the max and

min age ranges defined by the half-your-age-plus-7 rule. Now we can see how well

the rule corresponds with people’s reported acceptable ages.

Men’s preferred minimum partner age: Let’s start with minimum age preferences

reported by heterosexual men. In Figure 1, the solid black line represents the rule’s

calculation for minimum acceptable range. You can see that men are basically

operating by the rule for minimum age preferences for marital relationships (blue

bars) and serious dating relationships (yellow bars). Those age preferences

consistently hover around the values denoted by the rule (the black line). If anything,

in practice men are more conservative when it comes to preferred marriage,

preferring a minimum age higher than the rule would say is OK.

Figure 1: Male Participants' Minimum Preferred Partner Age as Compared to the

Rule

When it comes to sexual fantasies, however, men have minimum age preferences

that are younger than the rule would designate appropriate. For example, this

sample of 60-year-old men report that it is acceptable to fantasize about women in

their 20s, which the rule would say is unacceptable. But fantasies, of course, are not

generally subject to public scrutiny and the rule is only designed to calculate what is

socially acceptable in the public eye—so this discrepancy is not necessarily a failure

of the rule.

For rule-related involvement (e.g., relationships), 60-year-old men are stating that

the minimum acceptable age is around 40ish, which does map much more closely to

the rule’s predictions.

Men’s preferred maximum partner age: The rule states that you can calculate

maximum acceptable partner ages by subtracting seven from your own age and

multiplying it by 2. Figure 2 clearly shows that the rule’s max-age guidelines for men

donot reflect real-world preferences. The rule overestimates the perceived

acceptability of men becoming involved with older women. Men do not show a linear

increase in maximum age preference that matches the rule’s predictions. Instead,

men report maximum acceptable partner ages that hover around their own age

through their 40s. After 40, maximum age preferences for most categories remain

lower than their own age. Thus the rule for maximum ages is fairly ineffective at

capturing what men actually believe is acceptable.

Figure 2: Male Participants' Maximum Preferred Partner Age as Compared to the

Rule

Case Study: George Clooney. Now let's apply the rule to actual dating behavior by

examining George Clooney’s dating habits. Clooney has been scrutinized at times

for dating younger women, though not consistently, and this pattern is nicely

reflected in a graph of his own age, his partners’ ages, and the rule’s calculations for

minimum and maximum acceptable ages. Only twice has he become involved with

women whose ages were outside the rule’s guideline. He approached the line with

two other partners, but is well within the threshold in his marriage with Amal

Alamuddin.

 

Does the rule work for women?

The minimum rule (half-your-age-plus-seven) seems to work for men, although the

maximum rule falls short, failing to reflect empirical age-related preferences. How

well does the rule capture women’s preferences?

Women’s preferred minimum partner age: Below are the data from Buunk et al.’s

(2000) study on women’s minimum age preferences; the rule’s age calculations are

represented by the solid line. In general, the figure shows that women are reporting

minimum age preferences that exceed the rule’s predictions. In other words, while

the rule states that 40-year-old women can feel comfortable dating 27-year-old men,

this does not reflect the social preferences and standards of women. Women in their

40s think that approximately 35 or older is acceptable for marriage or a relationship.

Even when fantasizing, such women’s minimum age preference remains over 30.

The rule’s calculated minimum acceptable partner ages seem to fit men better than

women.

Figure 3: Female Participants' Minimum Preferred Partner Age as Compared to the

Rule

 

Women’s preferred maximum partner age: Examining maximum preferences,

again the rule is more lenient, offering an age range with which most people are not

comfortable. The rule states that it is acceptable for 30-year old women to date men

who are up to 46 years old, but in actuality, 30-year-old women state that their max

acceptable partner age would be less than 40 (around 37). The rule underestimates

women’s reported preferences in their 20s, but the gap between reports of what is

socially acceptable and the rule itself widen over time.

 Figure 4: Female Participants' Maximum Preferred Partner Age as Compared to the

Rule

 

Case Study: Demi Moore. Let’s take a look at Demi Moore, who at times has been

criticized for dating men who differ substantially from her own age. As you can see

from the graph, one partner exceeded the rule’s calculated acceptable maximum

age, while Ashton Kutcher’s age fell short of the socially-acceptable minimum age

when they first started dating in 2003. By the time of their separation in 2011,

however, Kutcher, then 33 had crossed the minimum threshold (31.5) defined by the

rule.

 

How effective is the rule?

Curious outsiders are quick to judge when they can see a wide age gap between two

romantic partners. Maybe this is why the rule is so appealing. In a world in which

many social norms are often unspoken, the half-your-age-plus-7 rule concretely

defines a boundary. 

But the rule does not map perfectly onto actual reports of what is socially acceptable.

At times it is too stringent, but most often it appears too lenient, condoning age

pairings with which most people are not comfortable. So if you are following the half-

your-age-plus-7 rule, know that it may not be perfect or truly mirror age-related

preference. You might also take care to refer to the maximum age judiciously—the

minimum age guideline seems to be more on target (and more so for men than

women).

Source: Carlos Horta/Shutterstock

End Notes

1. When you’re 26, however, this person would be 20 and would be right at the line

of your age-minimum threshold (13 + 7). In a few more years, you’ll be 28 and this

person will be 22, above your new threshold of 21 (14+7).

References

Buunk, B. P., Dijkstra, P., Kenrick, D. T., & Warntjes, A. (2001). Age preferences for

mates as related to gender, own age, and involvement level. Evolution and Human

Behavior, 22, 241-250. 

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7 Things To Remember When Continuing A Relationship After Infidelity

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Mathew Tammaro

Michele Chevrier in DatingApr 28, 2015 • 10:41am

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One request we make to our partners in marriage and serious relationships is pure monogamy.

Monogamy is a widely-expected practice in our culture; however, roughly a quarter of married couples will unfortunately experience infidelity according to Dr. Richard Fitzgibbon (see more at MaritalHealing.com).

What can a couple, which built their lives around one another, do after a case of infidelity? For the couples that choose to work through it, here are some things to expect:

1. Honesty

Honestly is the key. Once a partner finds out about infidelity, he or she will have many heavy questions that are not easily answered.

It is important to understand that the partner will want to know who, what, why, where and how. It is best to answer the questions honestly.

The only exception of full disclosure is intimate descriptions of the actual sexual encounter. Infidelity can turn a couple upside down and it’s usually traumatic.

Details of the actual sexual encounter can increase symptoms related to post traumatic stress disorder and increase emotional pain, not to mention painfully vivid pictures stuck in the brain.

2. Feelings To Be Expected

It is important to understand a spouse’s traumatized emotions. Partners can react to news of cheating in ways related to acute stress disorder or posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Infidelity can raise deep fears and damage to self-esteem. It can cause intense anger, reoccurring dreams, unwanted and intruding thoughts or flashbacks and feelings of despair.

Also much like PTSD, feelings of being stuck in the drama can continuously make one partner feel like he or she is on hyper-alert.

It is likely that the partner will repeatedly ask similar questions over a period of weeks are months.

3. Offering Transparency

Because symptoms like PTSD can result from infidelity, it will be necessary for the cheater to provide full transparency.

The partner will want to look at all social media platforms, including Facebook messages, texts, emails, Twitter and phone calls.

It would be best if the cheating partner offers complete transparency and allows the partner to look at anything he or she wants and at any time.

If a partner is sending messages to a third party and actively hide the interactions, he or she may be in an emotional affair, which can be damaging to the relationship, too.

Of course, personal messages to family members should be respected as private.

4. Don’t Get Defensive

Defensive statements like, “Well, you didn’t give me the time of day, so what was I supposed to do?” actually pass blame to the partner for the cheater’s cheating.

It is an unhealthy spiral that will only lead to other issues. Focus on one issue at a time. Speak from the “I,” like, “I felt so lonely.” This statement doesn’t spread blame for actions.

5. Seek Support

Marriage is hard, even without infidelity. There are no manuals, especially these days. Look for support in your community.

Reach out to your religious affiliations or seek counseling (shop for a good therapist who supports your decision to stay together).

Talk to other couples that have experienced similar events. Stay away from people who do not support your decisions.

6. Make sure there is no third party in your relationship

It is easy to let others in, like friends, parents or children. They become the third leg to help stabilize the relationship, either subconsciously or not.

Venting your anger to your mom or a friend is healthy, as long as it doesn’t interfere with the direct communication you make to your partner.

And an even bigger no-no is complaining to the children about a parent. This can damage their relationship with him or her and can create unhealthy dynamics between the couple.

7. Love

Remember that love brought the two of you together. There is good and bad in all of us, and sometimes we make mistakes.

Try to see that a person is not all bad because he or she made a big mistake. Remember to love yourself and forgive yourself for your mistakes.

All we really want at our cores is to feel safe and be loved. We all want that bond, it is just human nature. Try to discover what you need.

Choosing to stay together after cheating is a huge decision. Infidelity can be symptomatic of much larger, underlying problems.

It would be wise to seek out counseling from an experienced and supportive therapist or from your religious affiliation.

There is hope; it’s up to the couple and only the couple to make that choice.

Recovering from a long-term relationship can be so challenging and painful, part of me feels like a masochist for even writing about it.

However, helping others navigate this ordeal is one of the only truly worthwhile reasons for dredging up one of the hardest times in my life.

Whether you knew it was time, had no idea it was coming, ended it yourself or ended it mutually, there are certain aspects of your life you don’t even realize shaped themselves around your relationship.

That is, until you find yourself no longer in said relationship.

Chances are, this person was not only someone you loved romantically, but also someone you called your best friend.

He or she was the person you went to for pretty much anything and everything, and now, all of that has to change.

Whether you were ready for it or not, you have been thrust into a new phase of your life, and when you look back in five years, it will be nice to know you handled yourself with dignity and respect.

Let Yourself Mourn The Loss (Within Reason).

I told myself I wouldn’t get personal here, but I’m just an oversharing kind of gal, so here it goes.

After very seriously dating the same guy for all of college, I moved to Washington, DC by myself to attend law school.

Naively, I thought my already-struggling relationship could survive long distance.

Fast forward to not even a month in, and we were done. I spent way too much time being depressed over the breakup that year and not enough time looking forward.

However, I think it was important not to repress how I was feeling because when I moved on, I was able to move forward without all those feelings bubbling up.

Bottom line: Feel all the feelings, but know when it’s going on for too long. How long is too long?

It’s personal, but when your friends start seeming annoyed rather than sympathetic, you might want to take the hint and try to at least force yourself not to make your breakup the main focal point of conversation.

Revel In The Little Things You Are Doing On Your Own.

Packing up my car on my own for winter break after my first round of law school finals and heading home was a huge milestone for me in my breakup.

I know it sounds silly, but as a female, I got used to having someone do all the heavy lifting (literally).

Although it was a pain and I ended up with some bruised shins, I managed to lift those heavy suitcases into my car, load up my dog and have an awesome mini road trip by myself.

Rather than seeing this as an opportunity to miss my ex, it was an adventure I accomplished and experienced by myself on my own terms.

Congratulate yourself in the moments that allow you to feel your independence.

In the moment, doing these often mundane things might not feel as empowering and awesome as you would like them to feel.

However, going to the grocery store alone or cooking your favorite dinner by yourself are total wins.

Try to take some time to reflect on your tiny wins and use them to boost yourself up when you start to feel bummed about the breakup.

Do the Things You Love Even If You Once Loved Them As a Couple.

I can affirmatively say I truly moved on when I took a trip to Europe by myself to visit some friends living abroad.

Traveling alone is an extraordinarily gratifying experience, even if you aren’t relearning how to be independent.

I had traveled a lot with my ex, so it was important to me to reclaim this as something I could do without him.

I quickly realized I had never learned how to read the maps or learn the public transportation systems, and had always relied on him to handle those aspects of traveling.

Touring Athens by myself at sunset, with nothing but a guidebook and camera to lead the way, taught me I didn’t need to depend on another person in the way I previously had grown accustomed to doing.

Whether you and your ex used to hike together, go to music festivals or travel the world, show yourself you can still enjoy and thrive in those activities without them.

Figure Out Whether You Can Still Be Friends.

Some exes can still be friends; some exes need to hold on to what they call friendship for a period of time after the breakup, and some exes have way too much baggage to be in each other’s lives.

It all depends on why you broke up and how you feel about the other person.

If you are still in love with your ex and feeling extremely hurt, it might feel like any contact you can have is a life vest.

I wouldn’t recommend holding on to this false sense of security. Only be friends if you are okay with having only a friendship with your ex.

If either party is staying friends with the hope that it will eventually lead back into a relationship, there will only be more hurt feelings further down the line.

Stop Following Your Ex On Social Media.

Do yourself a favor and stop following your ex on social media. This doesn’t necessarily mean un-friending, but remove him or her from your news feeds wherever possible.

You are both doing your best to move on, and that means you are both going to continue to live your lives, trying to enjoy yourselves as much as possible.

You don’t need to see your ex trying to move on from you, and doing so is only going to hurt you.

Even if you are completely over your ex, seeing someone you once did everything with doing things without you is going to be painful.

Obsessing over a girl in his picture? She’s probably just a friend, but now you can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out who she is for the next three hours.

Do yourself a favor and wait until some time has passed before engaging with him or her on social media.

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Natalie Veltman

CONTRIBUTOR•

Natalie Veltman studied journalism at the University of Colorado and received her law degree from G

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