Coping with Conflict

Presented by Milford Elementary School CounselorsAnne Pearlstein MSWSue Burns M.EdAllison Pelletier M.Ed

September 19, 2012Coping with Conflict

An unsolved problemA disagreement between two people that may be the result of different:IdeasPerspectivesPrioritiesPreferencesBeliefsValuesGoalsWhat is Conflict ?

2There is no one who can help

OverwhelmingHELP!I can do thisI am on my ownIts their fault

Its my faultIts ok to ask for help

ScaryA challengeConfusingChecking your attitude towards conflictWhat words come to mind when you think of the word conflict?

3Setting Events Divorce & Two household routinesDomestic Violence/Substance/Verbal abuseLack of routine or supportEconomic stress/anxietyCulture/Modeling at home- How are disagreements handled?How is stress handled?What type of respect & communication is modeled?What coping skills are taught/used by parentsChecking your attitude towards conflictsome factors to consider:

4Problems can be seen as:Challenges to overcomePuzzles to be solvedOpportunities to growThere are benefits to conflict/problems:Your children learn not to be afraid of problemsYou teach an optimistic attitude toward problems by modeling a can do attitudeYour childrens self esteem will be enhancedYour positive attitude will build a positive relationship with your childChecking your attitude towards conflictreframe perceptions

5Problem Exploration & Conflict ResolutionSteps InvolvedProblem ExplorationDefine the problem- What? Where? When? How often?Is it challenging a Norm?Who owns the problem?How acceptable is it?

6How often is he late?He has been late 4 of the last 5 times

Under what circumstances?He went bike riding after school

To what extent?Once by 5 minutes and three times by 20-30 minutes

Step One: Define the Problem

7The behaviors are part of a child doing the job of a developmental taskEleven year olds typically:Can tell right from wrong, but dont always do the right thingLikes to argue and prove parent wrongHas a strong conscienceIs concerned with self-protectionDoes not approve of cheating, but still may do so

Is it challenging a Norm? Is it still a problem?

YES

Step Two:Is it challenging a norm?

85 year oldsChildren begin to articulate their feelings.ex: Im sorry or Im mad at youMore self-control & periods of attentionMay point out differences in othersCan be self-critical & fall apart when frustratedProud of being a big kidGoes between desiring independence and needing to be babied and reassuredBegins to experience more things independent of parents but will still seek reassurance.More awareness of their own and others emotionsNeed to be taught the fine line between confidence and boastingPerfectionisticDifficulty accepting criticism or punishmentSee things in black and whiteNeed for security and routine while still calling the shotsWhat is Normal? 6 year olds

97 year olds

More guidance than supervision: food choices, leisure time, chores etc.Need routine for security but can handle changesOwn worst critic/desire to fit inWill desire down time or alone timeMay begin collections

Quick changing emotionsCritical of others and selfCompares self to othersDesire for privacyDesire to be part of a groups such as sports, scouts, clubs etcMay gravitate towards friends of the same genderDeveloping understanding of wrong & right can lead to group conflictDeveloping empathy & perspective

What is Normal?

8 year olds

109 year oldsDeveloping emotional maturity: delayed gratification/helping othersBegin to form their own opinionsBetter able to resolve conflict w/friendsSusceptible to stress/anxietyBegin to form strong attachments to friendsDesire to win: hate to loseStrong sense of right and wrong/fairNeed for distance from parents and desire for social experiencesPeer pressure/desire to fit inInsecurities/appearanceEntering adolescenceBody image and changesMood swings/volatilityNeed for self-confidenceThinking independently about who they are. Im a vegetarian or Im a Yankees fanWhat is Normal?10 year olds

11When something our child does directly effects us in a negative way, then we own the problem

When something our child does only affects him and does not directly effect us, then the child owns the problemSometimes, both own the problem

Who is bothered? Mom

Step Three: Who owns the problem?

12Differs by personVaries by our moodDepends on the age of the child

Is it still a problem?YESStep Four: How Acceptable is it?

13Introduce the topic:Talk about childs feelingsTalk about your feelingsSummarize the problemGenerate possible solutionsConflict ResolutionChild Involvement

14Invite your child to brainstorm mutually acceptable solutionsLet the child come up with the first few ideasRefrain from commentingWrite down all the ideasConflict ResolutionGenerating Solutions

15Connor gets to stay out longer- CConnor will ride by the house and tell Mom if he wants more time-CConnor will do his homework while riding his bike.-CConnor completes his homework, before he can ride his bicycle.-MConnor will go out later when his friends are out.-MConnor gets a cell phone so he can call when he will be late.-CConflict ResolutionGenerating Solutions

16Decide which ideas you like, which you dont and which you want to put into action.You want to be careful about criticizing or putting-down ideas or suggestions you dont like.

Generate SolutionsChoose the feasible options or create compromisesConflict ResolutionEvaluate Options & Generate Solutions

17Make a specific plan

What steps do we have to take to get this plan in motionWho will be responsible for whatBy when will it be done

It is critical to insist that your child follow through on agreements.Conflict ResolutionImplement a Plan

18Connor will complete 15 minutes of homework before he rides his bikeHe can go out for 30 minutesIf he wants more time, he will ride home to ask his mom if it is ok for the schedule for him to stay out for another 30 minutes.If Connor does not abide by this agreement, he cannot ride his bicycle the next dayConflict ResolutionImplement a Plan

19EVALUATESet a specific time to evaluate the effectiveness of the planMake changes as neededConflict ResolutionImplement a Plan

20Problem Exploration & Conflict ResolutionOn your ownSteps InvolvedProblem ExplorationDefine the problem- What? Where? When? How often?Is it challenging a Norm?Who owns the problem?How acceptable is it?Generate and Evaluate SolutionsImplement a PlanEvaluate and adjust the plan

21Ames, Louise Bates, and Frances Ilg, Your One Year Old,Your Two Year Old, Your Three Year Old Brazelton, T. Berry, TouchpointsFraiberg, Selma, The Magic YearsGessell, Arnold, and Frances Ilg, The Child From Five to TenHewitt, Deborah, So This is Normal Too? Ilg, Frances and Louise Bates Ames, Child BehaviorMedina, John, Brain Rules for Baby: How to Raise a Smart and Happy Child from Zero to Five

Suggested Resources on Child Development22For Older Children (ages three or four years and above)Clarke, Jean Illsley, Growing Up AgainColoroso, Barbara, Kids Are Worth ItCrary, Elizabeth, Kids can CooperateKurcinka, Mary Sheedy, Kids, Parents and Power StrugglesNelsen, Jane, Positive DisciplineSilberman & Wheelen, How to Discipline Without Feeling GuiltySilberman, Mel, Confident ParentingSwift, Madeline, Discipline for Life: Getting it Right With Children

Suggested Resources on Discipline23