Simon&Schuster

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NewYork,NY10020

[http://www.simonsandschuster.com]www.simonsandschuster.com

Copyright©2011byChrisLichtAllrightsreserved,includingtherighttoreproducethisbookorportionsthereofinanyformwhatsoever.ForinformationaddressSimon&SchusterSubsidiaryRightsDepartment,1230AvenueoftheAmericas,NewYork,NY10020.

FirstSimon&SchusterhardcovereditionMay2011

SIMON&SCHUSTERandcolophonareregisteredtrademarksofSimon&Schuster,Inc.

TheSimon&SchusterSpeakersBureaucanbringauthorstoyourliveevent.Formoreinformationortobookanevent,contacttheSimon&SchusterSpeakersBureauat1-866-248-3049orvisitourwebsiteat[http://www.simonspeakers.com]www.simonspeakers.com.

DesignedbyNancySingerManufacturedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica10987654321

LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataLicht,Chris.

WhatIlearnedwhenIalmostdied:howamaniactvproducerputdownhisBlackBerryandstartedtolivehislife/ChrisLicht.—1stSimon&Schusterhardcovered.

1.Licht,Chris.2.Televisionproducersanddirectors—UnitedStates—Biography.I.Title.

PN1992.4.L45A32011

791.4502’33092—dc22

[B]

2011011244

ISBN978-1-4516-2767-1

ISBN978-1-4516-2768-8(ebook)

Tomyfamily—whomakelifeworthliving

Contents

Prologue:TheKillerProducer

ChapterOne:TheEvent

ChapterTwo:TheLittleAnchor

ChapterThree:AMigraineGuy

ChapterFour:CaptainIntense

ChapterFive:FreeFall

ChapterSix:TheSuperheroes

ChapterSeven:TheDoctor

ChapterEight:Jenny

ChapterNine:AJacket

ChapterTen:AKiss

ChapterEleven:TheCaller

ChapterTwelve:AHeadinaLap

ChapterThirteen:AnAngryMan

ChapterFourteen:AWalkandaLunch

ChapterFifteen:Back

ChapterSixteen:OntheDeck

ChapterSeventeen:TheMeaningofTime

ChapterEighteen:SoZen

Acknowledgments

WhatILearned

WhenIAlmostDied

prologue

TheKillerProducer

Lately,ifIhappentobelookingthroughmyaddressbookforaphonenumber,I’mapttostopwhenIcomeacrossthenameofsomeoneIhaven’tbeenintouchwithforawhile.Afriend,maybe,oranacquaintance.WhenIdo,I’mlikelytofireoffane-mailwithnomorelengthorgravitasthanthis:

Hey,howyoubeen?

Thegestureisasmallone,butIdidn’tusedtodothis.Daysthatwerefilledwiththepressureandcrisesofrunninganationalcabletelevisionprogramhadlittleroomforcasualnicety.IfIwasn’tinthecontrolroomproducingit,Iwasinmyofficethinkingabouthowtoproduceit.Ifthetalentwasunhappy,I’dletitgnawatmygut.Ifsomebodyscrewedup,Icouldgoofflikearoadsidebomb,inafingersnap.Iknewthis.Buttheshowsoconsumedmethatitcouldn’tbemerelyacceptable.Ithadtobegreat.Ihadambitions.Ihadtobethekillerproducer.

Thenoneday,withnowarningwhatsoever,Ibecamescarysickinarandomandhard-to-figureway,giventhatIwasnotevenfortyyearsold.MostpeoplewiththemedicalemergencyIhaddonotemergefromtheexperiencephysicallyintact,iftheyemergeatall.Weekslater,myhealthrestored,Iwentbacktowork,andwaseagerandhappytodoso.Illnesshadn’tscaredmeintosomebiglifemakeover.IhadnourgetosurrendermyspotinthefastlaneforownershipofaB&BinVermont.

Butseriousillnesshadrecalibratedme.Ithadbroughtatroveofknowledge,asifIhadinvoluntarilypaidapainfultuitionforaneliteeducation.Itwasaboutlettinggoofmyfears.ItwasaboutwhatIcouldcontrolandwhatIcouldn’t,andhowpeoplefeltaboutme,reallyfeltaboutme.Itwasabouthowtousetime.ItwasevenaboutJoeBiden,thevicepresidentoftheUnitedStates.

Itwouldbenice,Ithought,ifeveryonecouldgettheeducationIhadgotten

withouthavingtonearlydie.

SoIdecidedtowriteabook.

chapterone

TheEventThemanwhowouldbecomemyneurosurgeondoubtsthatabraincanmakeanoise.Minedid.I’msureofit.Onacool,partlycloudyspringdaynotlongafternineinthemorning,mybrainwentaudible,emittingapopfromdeepwithin,notaloudone,morelikeaballoonhadbeenprickedinthedistance.

Nowcamesomethingelse.Itwasasifaglassofwaterhadtippedupthereandspilleditscontents;onlythisdidn’tfeellikealiquid,justasensationofmovementinside,fromthebackofmyheadtowardthefront.Nowsomeoneclampedavisearoundmyskull.Nowsomeonetightenedthevisewithsadisticgusto,evidentlystrivingforapainnumbersofarabovetenitwouldmeritaGuinnessentry.

Mybody’sinventivenessandthespeedofitstransformationwerebewildering,anddarklyimpressive.Inthetimeittakestolistentoavoicemail,whichiswhatIhadbeendoing,ithadmusteredaviciousheadache.Iwashavingauniqueevent,whichInormallyenjoy.Olympics?Workedseveral,lovedthem.SuperBowls,WorldSeries,nationalpoliticalconventions,A-listreceptions,bookparties,moviescreenings,allcool.This,absolutelynot.

Iwassuddenlyinthebizarrepositionofthinkingaboutwhatwasgoingwrongwiththethingdoingmythinking.Mybrainwastryingtodiagnoseitsownmalfunction.

Wasthisastroke?

Inanytelevisionproducer’scareer,especiallyifhecomesupthroughlocalnews,heusuallydoesenoughstoriesabout“StrokeAwarenessMonth”orsimilarcausesthathecomestoknowthewarningsignsbyheart.Idid.Irandownthelist.

Fingersmovable?

Yes.

Visionblurred?

No.

Wordsslurred?

“There’salotoftraffic,”Isaid.

Soundedsmooth.

Isaidthistotheonlyotherpersonaround,thedriverofablackCadillacEscaladeintowhoserearseatIhaddroppedafewminutesbefore,backinmyhealthyera.

Everythingseemedtobeworkingproperlyexcept,ofcourse,myhead.IknewwhereIwas,onMassachusettsAvenueinWashington.Iknewwhenitwas,Wednesday,April28,2010.Soitseemedreasonabletoconcludetomorrow’snewspaperwouldnotfeatureanobituarynotingthepassingofMSNBC’sChristopherA.Licht,38,husbandofJennyandfatherofAndrew,twentymonths.

Whichwascomforting,butthisstillreally,reallyhurt.

Intheminutesprecedingthepop,Iwasfine.Ihadneverbeenanaddict,neverhadsurgery,neverbeenrushedtoanemergencyroom,needednomedications,wasnotoverweight,hadexcellentbloodpressure,neversmoked,wasfilledwithenergyandconfidence.Stress?Nodoubttherewasstress.Iwasinlivetelevision,from6to9A.M.Eastern,fivedaysaweek,astheexecutiveproducerofashowcalledMorningJoe.Everybodyintelevisionhasstress.Themediumoverflowswithitsingredients.Money.Egos.Instantratings.Constantdeadlines.ButIthrivedonbeingMJ’sexecutiveproducer.

Havingruledoutstroke,Iwasoutoftheories.Iabandonedvoicemailanddialedforhelp.Nottomywife,becausetellingheraboutthevisegrippingmyheadwithoutknowingwhyitwasdoingsowouldupsetherwithoutofferingsolace.Jennyhasnomedicalbackground;likeme,she’sintelevision.AndshewasinNewYorkCity,wherewelive,andcouldhardlyswingbyinafewminutestocommiserateinthebackofthisSUV.IcalledDad.

PeterLichtisadoctor,aninternist.Heandmymother,Susan,whoisaphysician’sassociate,workinthesamemedicalofficeandstillliveinthehouseinConnecticutwhereIgrewupwithmysister,Stephanie.Untilnow,IhadnevercalledeitherparentaboutamedicalemergencythatImyselfwassuffering.ButDadisamanofnobullandnodrama,andhenevercoddlesandneveroverreacts.Once,inmyteens,atcampinFlorida,Itookatumblewhilebarefootwaterskiinganddamagedaneardrum.Alocaldoctorprescribedmajorpainmeds,reallyseriousstuff.Daddeclaredthiswasnonsense,taketwoaspirin.Ifmysuper-headachewasnothing,he’dsayso.Ifitwassomething,he’dsaythat.

Daddidn’tanswerhiscell.Icalledthehouse.

MomwassurprisedIwasinWashingtonbecausemostlywe’reinNewYork,at30RockefellerCenter,30Rock.ButWashingtoniswhereournationkeepsitsnationalpoliticiansandpoliticsisMJ’smétier,sowetaketheshowthereoften.Notthirtyminutesearlier,wehadwrappeduptheday’sversionandtheEscaladehadstartedbacktomyhotelfromNBC’sWashingtonbureau.Theshow’shosts,MikaBrzezinskiandJoeScarborough,wereofftoaspeech.

“Something’swrongwithme,”IsaidtoMom.

Idescribedthesensations.Shewasmildlyconcerned.Aswellasanyone,sheknewIwasneversick.

“Itprobablywouldn’thurttogotothehospital.”

Shegotasecondcallfrommeafewminuteslater.

“Igottatellyou,myneckisstartingtogetstiff.”

Iwasbeginningtohavetroublemovingmyheadinanydirection,inadditiontohavingpain.Icouldn’tevenleanitagainsttheseat.Mombecamemoreinsistent.

“Ithinkyoushouldgotothehospital.”

Fiveminuteslater,itwasDadcalling.

“YouneedtogototheemergencyroomandyouneedtogetaCATscan,andI’mtellingyouthatwhenyougetthere,youneedtotellthemyoudonotgetheadachesandthisistheworstheadacheofyourlife.”

Hewasnotpanicked,becauseheneveris.Hewasfirm.

“Okay,good,”Isaid.

Myresponsemusthavebeentoocasual.

“Saythattome,”hesaid.“Youdonotgetheadachesandthisistheworstheadacheofyourlife.Saythatexactly.”

“Idonotgetheadachesandthisistheworstheadacheofmylife.”

“Callmewhenyouknowwhat’sgoingon.”

Daddidn’tsuspectanythingspecific;norwasheterriblyworried.Afterall,Iwasconsciousandcoherent.WhathewantedwasthatCATscan,becausethatwouldbeharddata,notaguessorasupposition.Asforhispointedinstructiontosay“nevergetheadaches”and“worstofmylife,”Ididn’tknow,anddidn’task,butthatisaninformalcodewithinthemedicalprofession.AnydecentemergencyroomwouldinterpretthephrasestomeanIwasnotahabitualcomplainer,Iwasinthemidstofsomethingrare,payattention,givemeaCATscan.

HavingvisitedWashingtonsooften,IknewwhereIwantedtogo—GeorgeWashingtonUniversityHospitalintheneighborhoodknownasFoggyBottom.TheytookPresidentRonaldReagantherewhenhewasshotin1981,agoodenoughendorsementasfarasIwasconcerned.Anditwasashortdistancefrommyhotel.Inallprobability,theywouldgivemesomethingtoknockdownthepainandIwouldcyclebacktomyroomandgetonwiththeday.Therewasanothershowtomorrowtoprepfor,becausetherealwaysisanothershowtoprepfor,andtherewasablack-tiedinnerthatnightfeaturingBillClintonandBono.MikaandJoewerethehosts.Iwasgoing.

Nothingtraumatichadmarredmylifetothatmoment,andtherewasnoreasontothinkthestreakwouldend.Job,wife,kid,health,allgood.Pessimismwasnotmydefaultposition.Setbackhappenedtotheotherguy,notme.

“CanwegototheGWemergencyroom?”Isaidtothedriver.

Wewerealreadyheadedinthatdirection.ButwhilethebusiestpartofmydayhadendedwhenMJdid,thebusiestofWashington’swasstillunfolding.Trafficwasthick.Thiswasbad.Myheadwasbeingsqueezedwithoutintermission,and

nowthelandscapewasonlycrawlingpast.Here’stheNationalCathedral.Here’sRockCreekPark.Here’sabunchofembassies.Atonepoint,weinchedpastthegroundsoftheU.S.NavalObservatory,thevicepresident’sofficialresidence.Inacoupleofhours,itsoccupantandIweregoingtohaveabond.

BynowIhadnewsensations.Myheadwaspulsingwitheachheartbeat,andeachpulsemadethehurtworse.MystomachwasnauseousandIwastryingmightilynottothrowup.Iwassweating.Atsomepoint,Iaskediftherewereanyshortcuts,buttherewerenone.

Istilldidn’tenvisionthehorrible,likedisabilityordeath,andwasn’thavinganguishedthoughtsaboutJennyandAndrew.ButIwantedtogettothehospitalandbegivensomethingtomakethepainevaporate.Itwasmakingconcentrationsodifficultthatlisteningtomorevoicemailsormakingmorecallswasimpossible.

Finally,werolleduptothestonefacadeofGeorgeWashington.Itoldthedrivertowait,becauseIsuspectedIwouldbebackmomentarily,andIgingerlytookmyheaduptwoflightsofsteps,throughthepedestrianentranceoftheemergencyroom,toacounterwhereawomansat.Shewasthe“GreetTech.”

“I’mhavingarealproblemhere,”Isaid.

GreetTechsaidsomethingnoncommittal,like“yup.”Myfather’swordsfoundmylips.

“Idonotgetheadaches,Inevergetheadaches,andI’mhavingtheworstheadacheofmylife.There’ssomethingverywrongwithme.AndIneedtoseesomebodynow.”

GreetTechcametolife.Sheknewthecode,evenifIdidn’t.

“Ibelieveyouareintherightplace,”shesaid.

Shewantedidentification.Therewereforms.

Then,Isat.

Thereceptionareawasnotempty.Decadespassed.Myhandscradledmyheadandtherearosefrommeakindoflowmoan,an“ahhh,”becauseIsincerelyhurt,

andifthatdrewalittleattention,great.Itwasactuallyonlyminutesbeforetheybeckonedmetoatriagecubicle,whereanursecheckedmyvitalsandfoundthemnormalexceptforbloodpressure,whichstoodat159over107.

Theydroppedmeinawheelchairandrolledmethroughdoubledoorsandintotheheartoftheemergencyroom,toasmallexaminationbaythatwasallfluorescenceandmonitoringequipment.Iknewsuchbays.I’dbeentoERsasakidwithDad,sometimesplayfullyhookeduptoEKGsbythenurses.

Mybaywascurtainedintohalves,frontandback,andeachhadabedwithwheelsandrails.Theyrolledmetotheback,makingmethepatientinC2B.PatientC2A,awoman,seemedtohavefallenduringafootracethatmorning.Ineverdidgetthestory.Theytoldmetogetundressed,putononeofthosehautecouturehospitalgowns,andputmystreetclothesinaclear,plasticbag.

NowIrememberedthatnotasoulbeyondtheconfinesofthehospitalknewwhereIwas.

DadandMomhadtoldmetogettoanemergencyroom,buttheydidn’tknowwhichoneI’dchosen.NobodyatMorningJoeevenknewIwashavingamini-nightmare.Jennydidn’t.Thingshadunraveledsoquickly.Ithadn’tevenbeenanhoursincetheshowended.At9:59A.M.,IsentatexttoMikaBrzezinskiattheMarriottWardmanParkhotel,thesiteofherandJoe’sspeech.

Ineratgw

Gotexcruciatingandsuddenpaininhead

Scared—gettingcatscan

WillcallwhenIcan

Iwasn’tscared,really.Thewordwasonlymeanttogetherattention.JoeandMikaneededtoknowtheirexecutiveproducerwasgoingtobeoutoftouchandthereasonwasn’ttrivial.Butmygoalwasn’ttoheraldahugepersonalemergency.Everythinginmypastsaidthiswouldbeabriefsuspensionofduty.TheEPwouldbegettingoutofGeorgeWashington.

chaptertwo

TheLittleAnchorThereoncewasaboywithacamerainahouseonasylvanhillinConnecticut.

Iwaseleven.ThecamerawasaclunkyoldVCRsortbecausethiswas1983.IsetitupinthebasementTVroom,whereIhadadesk,andonthedeskIputamicrophoneonatinystand.

Eachweek,Iwouldwriteascriptandputonmytweedsportcoat,adressshirtandatie,butnodressslacks,becausethecamerawouldshowmeonlyfromthewaistup,sounderpantswereokay.Myhairwasoftenanunrulymop,butineveryotherwayIwasthemature,authoritativepreteenhostofTheWeekinReview,theleadingandonlyshowontheWBCtelevisionnetwork,whichIownedandallofwhoseviewerswerenamedLicht.

Theshowwasthorough,coveringnationalandinternationalnews,localitems,sports,obits,weather,andpopculture.Sometimesitfeaturedmysister,Stephanie,whowasnearlythreeyearsyoungerandreluctant,orI’dbringinDadformedicalreportsandsportscommentary.(Hewasversatile.)IfStephaniescrewedupordidn’ttaketheshowseriously,thehostcouldgetmiffed.Attimes,Ihadtobribeherforanappearanceortoworkthecamera,onceofferingaVelcroMichaelJacksonwallet.MomandDadstillhavetheshowtapes.

Anchor:

Forsomepeople,theworldisjustonebigfuzzything.LetTheWeekinReviewfocusitinforyou.(Thescreenimagemorphsfromhazyandindistincttoaknife-sharpmapofthesevencontinents.)

We’llbebackrightafterthesemessageswithwhywehavetwofeetofsnowontheground.(Cuttocommercials,realonesIhadtapedoffTVandsplicedin.)

ThisisChrisLichtspeaking.Joinusnextweek.(Runcredits.)

Itwasn’tacoincidencethatmynetwork’snamewasoneletterawayfromNBC.IlovedNBC.WhenIwaslittle,theLichtstookthe30Rocktour,andourgaggleofthebug-eyedwastakenintoastudio,wherethetourguidesaskedforvolunteerstoplayJohnnyCarsonandEdMcMahon.Upwentmyhand.TheymademeJohnnyandmadesomeolderguyEd,putusinchairs,andgaveusascripttoread.Theolderguywasterrible.Iwassogoodmyownmothercouldn’tbelieveit.IhadJohnnydowncold.

OnesummerwhenIwasnineorso,werentedacondoonMartha’sVineyard.CarlSternwasrentingnearby.CarlwasanNBCstar,coveringtheU.S.SupremeCourtandtheJusticeDepartment,winningnumerousawards.MomsaysIstucklikegluetotheguy.Aboutamonthafterwegotbackfromvacation,thephonerangatourhouse.

Dadpickedup.

ItwasCarlStern.

“JustreturningChris’scall.”

OntheVineyard,Carlhadgivenmehisnumber,probablysecureinthethoughtthatnonine-year-oldwouldactuallycallaleadingnationaltelevisioncorrespondent.ButIdid,becauseIfeltCarlandIhadmuchtodiscuss,beinginthesamebusiness.IusedtocallSueSimmons,too,oneoftheanchorsofWNBC–NewYork’seveningnews.IcalledSuealot,enoughtobecomeknowntoheras“ChrisfromConnecticut.”MomsaysIoncetoldSue,“I’mgoingtoworkforNBConeday.”(Yearslater,mywifeworkedwithSueatWNBC,andmentionedtoherthatshewasdatingsomeoneSueknew,someonewhousedtotelephoneherasakid.“ChrisfromConnecticut?”Suesaid.)

Asmychildhoodfascinationwithbroadcastinggrew,Ipicturedmyselfassomekindofnetwork“talent,”ananchorperhaps,certainlyareporter,apersonontheair.WhenIwentofftoSyracuseUniversitytostudybroadcasting,Stephaniehandwrotealetterassuringherbigbrother,You’regoingtobeinTomBrokaw’sseatoneday.

Imighthavehadthevoiceforit.Intheweehoursonweekendsduringhighschool,IearnedfourdollarsanhourasaDJonafifty-thousand-wattrockstationthatblanketedConnecticut.Thismademeabitofacelebrityamongmypeers,especiallyfemale,andI’ddedicatesongstomybuddieswhowereout

doingwhatmorenormalteenagemalesdidonweekendnights,whichwashangout.Ifyouhadbeenlistening,mybestfriendMarcNespolisays,youwouldhaveassumedfromthedulcetpipesthatI“wasthirty,noteighteen.”

AftergraduatingfromSyracuse,IsettledinAllentown,Pennsylvania,tocommencemytelevisionnewsascent.Thejobthere,workingforacompanythatproducedandsoldmedicalstoriesthattelevisionstationscouldairastheirown,wasinstructiveanddecent.ButlifeinAllentownwasslowdeathinobscurity.

SowhenafriendsuggestedImovetoLosAngelestohelpwithhisproductioncompany,Ileapedatthechancetoworkfornothing,whichiswhattheypaidmeforthefirstcoupleofmonths.Intime,IwasworkingonatelevisionpilottwofloorsabovethenewsroomofKNBC,thelocalNBC-ownedstation,andIwouldhangoutdownthere,doingresearchifasked.Ilikedtheenergyofanewsroom.AndthereIgottoknowJeffKaufman.

Inthesummerof1995,JeffwastheexecutiveproducerofanightlyprogramaboutthetrialofoneOrenthalJamesSimpson,whowaschargedwiththeknifemurdersofhisex-wifeandafriendofhers.Withitsthreadsofsex,race,violence,andpolicebias,theO.J.trialwasbig.Youmighthaveheardofit.Jeff’slivehalf-hourprogramrecappedeachday’stestimony,beginningat7:30P.M.Oneday,heaskedifIwantedafull-timejobasoneoftheshow’swriters.

Ididn’tknowhowtowritetelevisioncopy,butthatwasaminormatterIkepttomyself.Thiswasabigshowinabigcityaboutbignews.Iaccepted.JeffbutcherednearlyeverysentenceIwroteduringmyearlydays,andIgotschooled.

TheO.J.showwassupervisedeachnightbyacertainlineproducer,exceptonWednesdays,whenheleftearlytoteachacollegeclass.Hewoulddesignateawritertositinhischairduringtheshow,whichwasnotasbigariskasitsounds,becausethetrialalwaysendedatfive,givingusplentyoftimetoprepareforseven-thirtybeforeheleft.TobeLineProducerforaDaywasababysittingjob,ajudgment-freeexercise,soeasythatoneeveningtheygavethechoretome.

Then,at6:15P.M.,withthelineproducernowgoneandJeffoffthatday,theFuhrmantapeswerereleased.

MarkFuhrmanwasadetectivewiththeLosAngelesPoliceDepartmentwhoinvestigatedtheO.J.case.Heiswhite.Simpsonisblack.Fuhrman’sracial

attitudeswereamajorpartofthedefense’scasebecauseSimpson’slawyersbelievedthepolicewereprejudicedagainsttheirclient.Fuhrmanhadswornincourtheheldnoracialanimusandhadn’tusedthewordniggerinadecade.

Butduringtapedinterviewsinrecentyearswithawriterdevelopingascreenplayaboutpoliceofficers,Fuhrmanhadusedthatverywordseveraldozentimes,andnowthecourthadreleasedsomeofthetapes,whichthejurywouldbeallowedtohear.

Thatdetonatedourscript.Therehadtobearewrite.AcameracrewhadtoscrambletogettothehomeofFredGoldman,thefatherofNicoleSimpson’smurderedfriend,sowecouldgethisreactiontothisdevelopmentthatwassodamagingtotheprosecution’scase.Thatevening’sprogramwouldbenobabysittingaffair.Iwasincharge,me,agetwenty-three,trainingwheelsstillonand,atthatmoment,terrified.

WithmajorhelpfromanotherwriterwhomIthanktothisday,theoverhaulofthescriptcametogether.ButwouldthecameracrewgettoFredGoldman’splaceintime?Theshowbegan.ThecrewarrivedatGoldman’s.Itbegansettingup.Fiveminutesleftintheshow.Three.There!WewentlivefromtheGoldmanhome,withtwominutestospare.

TheadrenalinerushwasnothinglikeIhadeverfelt.Theshowwassogoodthatwhenwehadfinished,thenewsdirectorwantedtothankthebrilliantsoulwhohadledtheeffort.HerefusedtobelieveitwastheSyracusekid.Infact,hewasannoyedIhadbeenputinchargeinthefirstplace.

Thatnightchangedeverything.NomoreTomBrokaw.Nomoreaimingtobeinfrontofacamera.

IknewinstantlythatthefeelingofcontrolandcreationIhadexperiencedmademehappy.Ilikedsculptingthechaos.TohaveavisionandseeitbroadcastonTV,well,therewasnothingbetterthanthat,Ithought.Beingon-airtalentcouldnotpossiblybeaswonderful,becauseyouonlycommandthesliceofthewholeinvolvingyou.Beingaproducermeanthavingtheentireshowinyourhands.

Weallwenttoarestaurantandgotdrunktocelebrate.

ProducingwaswhatIwanted.

chapterthree

AMigraineGuyNotlongaftermytextenteredcyberspaceonitswaytoMikaBrzezinski,adoctorcametomycubicleintheemergencyroomofGeorgeWashingtonUniversityHospitalandaskedmetoholdoutmyarms,pushmyfistsagainstherhands,andothertaskstodiscernwhethermyverydisagreeablebrainwasstillinclearcommunicationwiththerestofme.Shewascalm,ifdetached.

“Look,you’renotexhibitinganysignsofanythingneurologicallywrongwithyou,”shesaidafterafewminutesofthis,“andIthinkwhatyou’reexperiencingisastressmigraine.Doyouhaveastressfuljob?”

ItoldhermyjobatMJ.Itwasprettyclearshehadneverheardoftheshow.

“Well,we’regoingtogetyousomethingforthepain,andthenwhenIcomeback,I’mgoingtogiveyousometipsonhowtomanageyourstress.”

“SoI’mnotgoingtogetaCATscan?”

“No,youdon’tneedaCATscan.”

Amigrainemadesense.Mynauseahadfaded,andtherewerenoothersymptoms.Nofever,andnothingwasnumb,immobile,orweak.Andmigrainescanbeextremelydiscomforting,andIcertainlywasextremelydiscomforted.Amigrainethismustbe.

Thesatisfactionofadiagnosiswastemperedalmostimmediatelybytheknowledgethatmigrainesarenotone-and-done.Intime,there’sanother,thenanother,nowandforever.Howannoying,Ithought.I’mnowamigraineguy.Whowantsmembershipinthisclub?

Thedoctorleft.Butsoonawomaninablackpoloshirtcamein.Theshirthadwritingontheback,likeTRAUMATEAMorTRAUMAUNIT,Ican’tremember.Anentirelydifferentaurasurroundedher,oneofgreaturgency.She

ranthroughsimilarneurologicaltests.IwouldsoonbealeadingAmericanauthorityonthosetests.

“Mr.Licht,”shesaid,“I’mgoingtogiveyouashotforthepain.Thenwe’regoingtotakeyoudownandgetyouaCATscan.”

Ireadnothingintoit.Theyweremerelybeingsafeabouttheirmigrainehypothesis.Anyway,Dadhadsaidtogetascan,sothiswasgood.

WhatIdidn’tknowwasthatthedoctorinchargeofthemorningshiftintheemergencyroomhadbeentoldthemigrainediagnosisforthepatientinC2Bandthoughtmyproblemmightbesomethingelse.WithanypatientintheER,thesupervisor’sjobistoconsidertheworstpossibilities,andshewastroubledbytheswift,devastatingonsetofmypain.Shewantedmoretestsandhadorderedanursetomyroomwithpainmedication.

BlackPologavemetheshot.NowdownthehallIwenttogettheCATscan,whichtooknotimeatall,andnowbackIcametoC2B.Itwasnearly11A.M.

Inthemidstofallthis,atexthadarrivedonmyBlackBerry.

ShallIcallJenny?

ItwasMika.ButIwasnolongertetheredtomyphone.Ihadturneditoffanddumpeditintotheplasticbagwithmyclothes,asignofjusthowawfulmyheadwasfeeling,becauseIneverputmyselfoutofreachoftheknownworld.Normally,Mr.BlackBerryandIwereconjoinedtwins.

Mikagotnoreply.

Shetextedagain,aminutelater.

IamsendingLouis.AndtellingJoewhenhegetsoffstage.Weneedtohearfromyouorwewillbethere.

Again,silence.

AttheMarriottWardmanPark,whereJoewasabouttostarthisspeech,Mikahadnotreadmyinitialtextasconveyingaminor,ifsomewhatunusual,problem.Shehastremendousinstinctsaboutsituationsandpeopleandhadgottenadark

feelingfrommytext,whichonlygotdarkerwhenshereceivednoanswertohers.Shedidn’ttellJoe;hewasabouttotakethestage.

“Louis,Ithinkwehaveaseriousproblem.”

LouisBurgdorf,whomoreorlesspummeledmeintohiringhimafterhegraduatedfromcollegeacoupleofyearsago,isMika’sandJoe’spersonalaide,andheisusuallyattheirsidewhentheymakeanappearance.

“I’llstaywithJoe,”shetoldhim.“We’lldothespeech.Iwantyoutogotothehospital.”

Andnow,arideontheWashingtonMetrolater,hecamedownahalloftheemergencyroomasIstoodtherewaitingtouseabathroom.Seeinghimwasabigcomfort.Migrainediagnosisornot,thiswasnofun.

WhenwegotbacktoC2B,Iclimbedaboardmyhospitalbedandperchedthereinmygoofygown,whichwasnotwhatIwaswearingwhenLouislastsawmeearlierintheday.Hewasconcernedthattherewerenonurses,doctors,ortechnicians,andthatIwasinsuchdistressandlookedsopale.

“Myheadhurts,”Itoldhim.“Youdon’tknow.Ifeellikesomeone’sstabbingme.”

Toillustrate,Iranmyfingertipsfromthefrontofmyheadtotheback.

NowLouis’sphonewasgettingshortMikabursts.

Whatishappening?

Haveyouheardanything?

WhereisChris?Hasheseenadoctor?

????

WhetherornotImentionedthemigrainediagnosistoLouis,Ican’tremember.There’salotaboutthatdayIcan’tremember.Buttherewasn’tmuchdefinitivetotelltheoutsideworldinanycase.WewerestillawaitingmyCAT-scanresults,evenifIstillthoughtIhadnothingbutamigraine.IdidaskLouistocallJenny

inNewYork,becausetalkingtohermyselfseemedtorequirefarmoreclarityandconcentrationthanIwaslikelytohave.

Minutespassed.Moreminutespassed.ItseemedasifthehospitalhadforgottenaboutC2B.Inreality,gettingaCATscanevaluatedanduploadedtoahospital’scomputersystemcantaketime,dependingonthedemandandtheseverityofthecaseswithintheemergencyroom,which,atGeorgeWashington,hasthreedozenpatientcubicles.Itsemergencyroomseesseventy-twothousandpatientsayear,nearlytwohundredaday,thesecondgreatestvolumeinWashington.

Atlast,adoctorcamein.

Anewone.

chapterfour

CaptainIntenseOnApril3,2007,theUniversityofTennesseedefeatedRutgersUniversitytocapturetheNCAAwomen’sbasketballchampionship,andthenextmorningDonImusdeclaredonhisnationalradioshowthatthelosingteam’splayers,mostofthemAfrican-American,weretattooed,rough,“nappy-headedhos.”HisCBSshowdiedashorttimelater.

Imus’ssuicide-by-slurleftMSNBC,thecablenetwork,withaGrandCanyoninitsmorninglineup.EventhoughImushadworkedforCBSradio,hehaddonehisshowatMSNBC’sstudiosinSecaucus,NewJersey,enablingthenetworktosimulcastit,aseasyawaytofillthreehoursasthereis.Nowhewasgone,butthethreehoursremained,waitingtobefilledby...Nobodyknew.

Onarainyafternooninthemidstofthisuncertainty,asIworkedinmyapartmentinNewYork,intheroomthatwouldbecomeAndrew’safterhewasbornthefollowingyear,JoeScarboroughcalled.

“ThisImusstuffiscrazy,”hesaid.

Atthetime,weweredoingScarboroughCountry,anightly,hour-longcollectionofpoliticsandpopcultureinprimetimeonMSNBC.Itsfutureseemeduncertain,becausethenetworkwasstartingtoslantleftwardintheeveningsandJoeisaconservativeformerRepublicancongressmanfromPensacola,Florida.

“I’vejustsentyouaPDF,”hesaid,“andIwanttodothis.”

ThePDFattachmenttohise-mailcontainedaproposalforauniquenewsshowthatwouldslideintothevacantImusslot.Itwouldnotofferaconventionalmorningbuffetoffashion,food,andweight-losstipssplicedwithtwelve-year-oldspluckedoutofwellsorteen-actorgraduatesoftheBettyFordClinic.Itwouldservewitty,nonideologicalconversationamongsmartguestsaboutpolitics,business,andculture.Aboveall,itwouldexudeintelligence.WillieGeist,whobecameoneofitshostsalongwithMikaandJoe,cametocallit

“FantasyBreakfast”becausethesharpestmindsyoucanimagineshowupatyourhouseforeggsandissues.

SigningoffonJoe’sidea,PhilGriffin,whowasthenseniorvicepresidentofNBCNews,offeredapieceofadvice.JoeoughttobringmefromScarboroughCountryashisexecutiveproducer.Inthefewyearstheshowhadbeenalive,Joehadchewedthroughseveralproducers,butheandIhadmeshed,somuchsothatJoesaysIscrubbedawayhisreputationaroundthenetworkasadifficultpieceofwork.

Joewantsaproducerwho’sorganized,hasvision,andgetstheimpossibledone.Hewantssomeonewith“rocketfuel”inhisveins.Hewantsakiller.IliketothinkIfitallthecriteria.Akillerproducernevertakesnoforananswer.Akillerrelentlesslypushestolandtheguestwhoseemstootoughtoget,pusheshisteamtomakeeachsegmentshinemorethantheonebefore,pushesthehostsandhimself,pusheseveryproblemtowardsolution.Hedoesnotallowanyonewithinthebuildingorbeyonditswallstothwarthimortheshow.Hellno.We’reMorningJoe.Don’ttellmeIcannothavewhatIneed.Ineedayes.

Notlongbeforemybrainepisode,areporterfromGQcapturedmeinactionprettywell.DuringaMorningJoeoneday,MikaandJoeweresupposedtotalkwithHillaryClintonbysatellite,butCNN’smorninghost,JohnRoberts,wasinterviewingherbysatellite,too,rightbeforeus,andhewasrunninglong.TheGQreporterpickedupthesceneinourcontrolroom:

“I’mgonnafuckingpunchJohnRobertsmyself,”saysLicht.“Fuck,they’regivingittousaminuteandahalflate.Fuckingassholes.”HeinstructsanotherproducertotellFoxNews,whereHillaryisgoingnext,thatshemaybeabitlate,“becauseunlikeCNN,I’mnotadouchebag!”Thenhestartsflippingoutbecausethere’sonlyonefeedfromHaitiandit’sgoingtothefreakingTodayshow.

Asaresultofthatlittleepisode,bytheway,wehaveanewrule:noreportersinthecontrolroom.

Onesummer,Joe’stwenty-one-year-oldson,Joey,wasaninternonthethirdfloorof30Rock,whereMorningJoelives,andafterawhileJoeaskedifJoeyhadformedanyimpressionsofme.

“Oh,Chrisisgreat,”Joeyreplied.“He’sgreat.”

“Well,”Joesaid,“I’veheardthathecanbeanasshole.That’sthewordpeopleuse.”

“Inthecontrolroom,”Joeysaid,“Chrisisanasshole.Butyouneedthat.Thereissomuchchaosgoingoninthere.”

ControlRoom3AisafewdozenfeetdownthehallfromthegentilityoftheMorningJoeset.Itismydomain.Itisnotalwaysgenteel.Itisadark,low-hanginguniverseofdozensupondozensofflat-screenmonitors;ofconsolesandheadsetsandfatigueandsnapdecisions;oftelephones,jumbocoffees,andchatter,whichcanmorphintoshouts,profaneshouts,ifateleprompterfreezesorMika’smikeisleftonduringacommercialbreakoraguestissonorous.Adialectisspokenin3A,butitisonlytangentiallyEnglish,thingslike“We’reaboutthirtyheavy”or“Animatenowtothehardout.”

Thisislivetelevision,themostdifficultkind,becausethefirsttakeistheonlyone.Theplannedsequenceofsegmentsisamalleablethingbecausewemaydropaguestaswego,wemayaddone,wemaybesurprisedbywhatonesays,wemayhavebreakingnews,wemayloseasatellitefeed,wemaychangesongsleadingintocommercial,wemayhavetoremindthoseonthesetwhattosayorwhatnotto.

Theyarethemostfunhoursofmyday.Tostandintheshowerandcomeupwithanideaforthatmorning’sshowandseeittakeshapeisthelegalhighofbeinganexecutiveproducer.Soisoptinginmidshowtotrytohuntdownatravelingcongressmanforaliveshotandpullingitoff;whisperinginJoe’searpieceandhearingthenuggetcomeoutofhismouthsecondslater;keepingthoseonthesetcoolandcalmwhileweinthecontrolroomdouseametaphoricalfire.

Eachday,however,Imakehundredsofdecisionsthatgofarbeyondthemeretechnicalchallengesofrunningacontrolroom.WhileIgetahugeamountofhelpfromtheMJteam,particularlymyseniorstaff,thebuckstopswithme.Inlargepart,Iassembledthesmall,dedicatedteamthatputsouttheshoweachday.Ifacontroversybrewsupbecauseofsomethingsaidontheair,damagecontrolfallstome.Ifanewspapercallstocheckoutarumorabouttheshow,Ihavetoweighhowtohandleit.Imakesurethemixofguestsisstimulatingandsmart.IfIhavedoubtsabouttheauthenticityofanewsitemwe’reabouttoair,Iholdit,whichIdidrecentlyregardingunsubstantiatedreportsablackemployeeoftheU.S.DepartmentofAgriculturehadbeenfiredforracistremarks.Iwanted

confirmationfromtheObamaadministration,whichwegotandaired,adecisionthatleftJoeprettypleasedbecauseunlikeothers,wehadn’tjumpedtoanyconclusions.

Atitscore,thelookandfeelofMorningJoereflectscollaborationamongJoe,Mika,andme.Oneofuswillhaveanideaforasegment.We’llmassageit,playwithit,addelementsuntil,bytheend,it’stoughtopindownauthorship.Morethananything,ItrytokeepJoe’soriginalvisionfresh,toturnhissparksintocutting-edgetelevision,tostayinsidehishead.

Asthe2010midtermelectionsapproached,forexample,Iwantedtodosomethingspecialonthedayaftertheballoting.Whynot,Ithought,dotheshowfromStudio8H,thebiggestat30RockandthehomeofSaturdayNightLive?JoeandMikaandourguestscouldsitonthestagebeforealivestudioaudience,whichiswhatSNLalwayshasbutwhichmorningshowsrarelydo.Usingsuchalegendaryvenuewouldbeanelectricwayofsayingtheelectionwasagrand,historicevent—andwe’retheteamtotellyouaboutit.Itwouldcreatebuzzforus.Anditdid.Peoplewereclamoringfortickets.TheNewYorkTimestooknote.

MikeBarnicle,aformernewspapercolumnistinBostonandaregularontheshow,callsme“CaptainIntense,”possessedofademonicdesiretomakeMJwork.Asajournalist,youwanttoexposeproblemsandmakethingsbetter.Itsoundsself-aggrandizing,andprobablyis,butMJdoesthat.It’spartofthesolution.TheywatchattheWhiteHouse;Iknowtheydo,becauseIgettheire-mails.Inthejargonofjournalism,MJcan“drivetheday,”meaningothernewsoutletspursueourinsightsorrevelations.

IsupposeIcouldbevicepresidentofprogrammingfortheAll-RealityNetwork,iftherewasone,andmakehugepilesofcashdreamingupDancingwithConvictsorWhoWantstoMarryaRefugee?Icoulddothat,butIwouldneverwantto.Gettingupat4A.M.todoMJeachday,Idon’thavetoholdmynose.

Butmostofus,ifwe’rehonest,aremorethanournobleideals.Likemost,Inurseambitions,largeones.Ilikebeingaplayeronabigstage.It’swhyIloveNewYorkCityanddidnotlikeAllentown,Pennsylvania.Iliketobeatthecoreofnewsandsportingeventsandsophisticatedgatherings,goingplacesanddoingthingsotherscan’t.DoingMJputsmeatthecenterofthebigconversation.It’sasuper-relevantexistence.

Ilivedtheshow.Igave100percent,whichmeansIwasalwaysshyafewpercentagepointstogivetofamily.Inretrospect,IknowmyobsessioncameatJenny’sexpense.Shedidn’thaveallofmewhenIwasathome.ShealmostneverhadaweekendwithmethatwasnotcarvedupbytheBlackBerry,alwaystheBlackBerry.

Asournewbornwasbeingtakentobecircumcised,IwasonthephonedoingMJwork,obviouslynotfullyinthemomentoffreshfatherhood.WhydidIevenhaveiton?IskippedtheweddingofoneofmybestfriendsbecauseitwasSweepsWeek.Thatfailureisoneofmyall-timeregrets,butitwasaneasycallatthetime.

AmerethreedaysafterAndrew’sbirth,Iwentbacktowork.The2008DemocraticNationalConventionwasunderwayinDenverandIwasdisappointedIcouldn’tgobecauseofthebaby,soIworkeddoubleshiftsat30Rocktohelpthecoveragefromthere.Thenextweek,IwasofftotheRepublicanconventioninSt.Paul,Minnesota,leavingJennyaloneinthefirstdaysofmotherhood.

Therewereotherproblems,deeperandmorewrenching.Thispartisnoteasy.

AnyonewhomeetsmeprobablyconcludesIamnottheretiringtypebutrathersomeonewhoisworldly,comfortablewithcommand,comfortablearoundpowerfulpeople,andskilledinatelevisionstudio.Allofthatistrue.Butmuchofthetimethesepastyears,mystomachwasanemotionallyensnarledplace,abigknot.

IwasnotentirelysurewhereIstoodatwork.AndIfearedthatmygoldenexistenceatthenexusofsubstantiveandexcitingthingsmightend.

Doingalong,live,andbarelyscriptedshoweveryweekdaydoesn’tleavealotoftimeforpolitenessandpraisefromthetalent,MikaandJoe.Snap,dothisnow.Snap,don’tdothatagain.Snap,goaway.Thereareeruptionsofanger,andpeoplestaymadforawhile,andtherearescrewups.

ThoughMikafoundme“adamngoodproducer,”Iconstantlycravedreassurance.ShethoughtIwasheadedforameltdown,becauseIwasrackedwithsomuchworryaboutwhethersheandJoewerehappyandaboutwhethertherewasanythingelseIneededtoberackedwithworryabout.That’swhyIworkedsomuch,believingthatiswhatIhadtodotomakesureeverythingwas

allright,andthatIwasinJoeandMika’sgoodgraces.Thatangstiscommonamongexecutiveproducers,butknowingthiswasnohelptome.

WhileIwasprettysureJoeconsideredmeindispensable,Iwasnervous,lookingovermyshoulder,tryingtoshieldmyselfandseewhereIstoodinthefirmamentofNBC.Toadegree,Joesays,allambitiousguysdothatbecausewewanttokeepmovingup.Wegaugeourpositioninthefootrace.ButsometimesJoecouldn’ttellifmyprofferedopinionaboutsomethingreflectedmytruefeelingorasafeone.Often,Icoveredmyass,outoffear.

Ifyoulovewhatyoudo,asIdid,thethoughtofnotdoingitcanbescary.Forme,thefearwasnotaboutlosingapaycheck.Iftheykickedmetothestreet,I’dlandonmyfeet,becausetalentisalwaysindemand.Instead,notbeingJoeandMika’sexecutiveproducerwasascarynotionbecauseIwouldnolongerbepartofthatbigconversationImentioned.

SolelybecauseofMorningJoe,IhadbecomefriendlywithJackWelch,theformerchiefexecutiveofGeneralElectric,whichuntilrecentlywasNBC’sparentcompany.Hehadbeenadvisingmeaboutmycareer.WouldsucharelationshiphaveeverdevelopedifIhadstayedinlocaltelevision?Probablynot.WoulditcontinueifIwasnolongerwithMJ?Unlikely.Iffired,Imightwindupoutoftheloopatsomebackwaternewsshowfornonplayers,thefailures.Thatwasmyfear.

It’snosurprise,then,thatintherhythmofourday,Icouldgovolcanic,firingoffprofanity-infusede-mailstothosebelowme,oftenaboutminorthings.Ipickedfights,too,justtomarkterritory.Ihadbeenworkingonbeinglessprickly.WelchhadtoldmetogivemorehugsifIwantedtokeepdoingbigthings,andIhadbeen.Butself-rehabisalong,slowprocess.

OnthemorningofApril28,2010,Iwasabouttounloadonsomeoneinmyusualway.IwaslisteningtoavoicemailonmyBlackBerryaboutMSNBC’stransportationarrangementsfortheWhiteHouseCorrespondents’AssociationdinnerinWashington,threedaysaway.Wehadabigtableatthedinner,whichisthejourno-politicomealoftheyear.Thevoicemailblatheredonaboutwhichofourbignameswouldgetwhichdriverstotakethemtoandfromthedinner.

Itwasalreadyabadday;JoeandIhadhadadisagreementduringtheshow,atestyone,aboutcameraangles.MikahadevenwrittenJoeanotewhilethey

wereontheairsaying,Takeiteasyontheguy.Nowcamethissilly,sillyissue.Cars.Drivers.

WhyamIgettingaphonecallaboutthis?DopeopleknowhowmuchbiggerstuffIhavetodealwith?DoesanybodyknowwhatIhavetoputupwith?

Iwouldhavecalledsomeoneaboutthenonsense.Iwouldhavedroppedagenerousdollopofprofanityupontheminmydismissive,assholeway.

Iwouldhave.

Butmybrainwentpop.

chapterfive

FreeFallThenewdoctor,theonewhohadjustarrivedinmycubicle,wasRyanneMayersak,andshewasinherfourthyearasanemergency-roomattendingphysician,thesupervisorinchargeoftheotherdoctorsduringashift.Actually,thiswashersecondvisittome.ThefirsthadcomeafterMigraineDoctorleftbutbeforeLouisarrived,andDr.Mayersakhaddoneneurologicaltestsonmesimilartothoseeverybodyelsehaddoneorwoulddo.ShehadevengivenmehereducatedguessaboutwhatmyCATscanwouldshow.

Ihavenomemoryofherinitialvisit.Itisareflectionofhowbadlythingsunfoldedinthenextfewmomentsthatmybrainwoundupdeletinganentireencounterwithadoctorwhowasgivingcriticalinformation.

AssheenteredforwhatIthoughtwasthefirsttime,Dr.MayersaksawInowhadavisitor,andsheassumedhewasnotfamily.(LouishadgottenasfarintotheERashehadbysayinghewasmycousin.)Doctorsdon’tusuallygivesensitiveinformationtoanyonebutthepatientandhisrelatives.ItoldhernottoworryaboutLouis.

“Whateveryouhavetosay,sayit.”

Shedeliversalotofbadnewsintheemergencyroomandhasfoundthatthebestrouteisnotanobliqueone,butstraightahead.Apatientneedstostartprocessingit,adaptingtoit,andthinkingofquestionsaboutit.ThereIlayonthehospitalbed,waiting.

“We’velookedatyourCATscan,”Dr.Mayersaksaid,“andyouhaveasignificantamountofbleedinginyourbrain.”

Awordapparentlyswamintomyconsciousness,awordwiththeimpactofadroppedanvil,becauseDr.Mayersakthinksthisexchangemayhavehappenednext:

“DoIhaveananeurysm?”

“That’spossible.”

Icouldn’tbreathe.

Mostofusdon’tknowthecausesofaneurysmsortheirtreatment,andIcertainlydidn’t,butIknewrightawayIwasindeeptrouble.Bloodhadescapedfrommyarterialsystemandintotheenormouslyconstrictedspacesofmyskull,squeezingthemostvitalorganwehave.Bloodwascausingmyheadache.Bloodmightstillbeleaking.

Ifoughttears.

There’sawell-wornaphorismthatalltoooftenwedon’trecognizethecrucialmomentsuntilmuchlater,astheyrecedeintherearviewmirror.Thisonehadannounceditselfwithajackboottothegut.Inthisantiseptic,windowlessroom,inthisbigWashingtonhospital,withLouisstandingtherebutmywifeandsoninNewYork,mylifewaspivotingtowardanewcompasspoint.Ihadfree-rangingbloodinmybrain.TherewasnowayIwouldcomeoutofthisthesame.

Justashorttimeearlier,Ihadbeendoinganationaltelevisionshowinperfecthealth.Then,afterexperiencingsharppain,Ihadbeensafelydiagnosedwithamigraine.Iwasoutofthere.Iwasdonewiththehospital.Whilemigrainesareunpleasant,Ihadbeentoldthingswere,ifnotfine,thenmanageable.Nowtheywereverymuchnotfine,theyweredangerouslywrong.Itwaslikebeingtricked.

“Thisisacriticalsituation,”Dr.Mayersaksaid.

Iwasintherightplace,shesaid.You’llgetthebestcare.Theneurologicalteamhadbeenpagedandwasonitswayandwouldanswermyquestions.IfIhadanyrightnow,shecouldtrytohelp.ThequestionIcameupwithreflectedtheconditionofamanwhosecircuitswerebeingscrambledbyprofounddistress,becauseitwassodeeplytrivialanddumb.

“Soyou’readmittingme?”

Newthoughtscame.Iclearlyhadn’tdied,butpeoplewithaneurysmsdon’twalkoutofhospitalsthenextday.We’rejustgettingstartedhere.Morewascoming.

Myschedule,allthoseplacesIhadtobeandpeopleIhadtosee,allconfidentlyrecordedintheBlackBerrythatnowsleptintheclearplasticbag,hadbeenblownupandreplacedbytheunknown.

Myimmediatefuturewouldbehere,inthishospital.ThemasterofControlRoom3AhadnocontrolinC2B.Hecouldnotfixtheproblemhefaced,becausethiswasnotthefamiliarterrainoflivetelevisionbutaplacewherehewasdependentuponneurologistswhowerecomingtotreathimandhehadnoideahowthatwasdone.Howcouldthisbehappening?Don’ttheyknowIamexemptfromthissortofthing?

Itwasthegreatestshockofmylife.

NotsincepneumoniasentmysontoanemergencyroomwhenhewassevenweeksoldhadIfeltaspowerless.Actually,IfeltmorepowerlessthanIdidthen.Iwasn’tanobserverhere,asIwaswhenAndrewwashospitalized.Itwasmeinthebedthistime,notmestandingbesideit.Mybrain,myfuture.

ToDr.Mayersak,LouislookedmorestunnedthanIdid.Hehadimaginedhisproducerwasmerelysufferingfromtoomuchcoffeeortoofewvitamins,andwouldbeupandonhisway.Louis’sstomachhaddroppedatthementionofbleeding,inpartbecausehehadbeenworkingatNBC’sWashingtonbureauonthedayin2008whenMeetthePresshostTimRusserthadcollapsedanddied.NowLouisropedhisemotionsbackintoplace.

“You’regoingtobeokay,Chris,”hesaid.“Ipromise.You’regoingtobeokay.”

“Iknow.I’mjustscared.Thisisreallyscary.”

Hereachedoutandtookmyhand.

“Thanks,man.”

“Breathe,”hesaid.

chaptersix

TheSuperheroesAttheMarriottWardmanParkhotel,asIlearnedlater,MikaseizedJoe’sarmashesteppedoffthestage,hisspeechnowdone.Inthreeyearstogetherontheair,MikaandJoehavehadquiteafewlowpointsandtribulations,buthehadneverseenthedepthofapprehensionnowsketchedonherface.

“Wehavetogo,”shesaid.“LouissaysChrishasananeurysm.”

“Chrishasabrainaneurysm?OurChris?”

“Yes,ourChris.Wehavetogonow.”

InthecartoGeorgeWashington,Joekeptrepeatinghisdisbelievingquestion,“OurChris?”Otherwise,theyrodeinparalyzedsilence.MikathoughtthenewscouldkillJoe.Shethoughttheaneurysmcouldkillme.Shesawmeassochronicallyhealthyandresilient,nomatterhowmuchsheandJoegotonmycaseaboutdecisionsormiscues.Nowmyheadwaswaywrong.Shewasspeedingtoahospitalwherethingsmightnotendwell.Peopledieofthis.

MikaBrzezinski,ontheoutside,hasakindofcrazeddivavibe.SheisthedaughterofZbigniewBrzezinski,whowasPresidentJimmyCarter’snationalsecurityadviser,andsheishard-nosed,funny,andafanaticalworker,racingamongahigh-adrenalinejob,twoyoungdaughters,ahusbandwhoworksintelevision,booksshewritesandspeakingengagements,andsomewhereinthereshesleepsbutneverforlong.AformerCBSnetworkreporterandanchor,shehasadeepgroundingintelevisionnews.

Ontheinside,nooneismorecaring.Noonewillbustdownmorewallsiftheyneedbusting.JennycallsMikaatornado.Wecallher“Mommy,”becauseshemakeseverythingallright.

JoeScarboroughismuchhardertoread,moreclosed.ThoughheleftCongressin2001aftermorethanthreetermsintheHouse,heisstillapoliticianwhohas

flawlesssensorsandtotalrecallofnames,events,songs,anddatesandperhapsstillapolitician’swariness.

There’snoonemoreadeptatdetectingtheglimmerofarisingpoliticalforceorthestenchofaloser.JoehasgeniusinstinctsforwhatmakesgoodTV,rightdowntocameraanglesandsetdesign,eventhoughhehasnobackgroundinsuch.IfhecouldbothhosthisshowandrunitfromControlRoom3A,hewoulddosoandhewouldbesuperbatboth.

WeareTheTrifecta,Mikasays,thoughIfullyunderstandtheymattermorethanI.Withthesuccessoftheshow,theyhavebecomeabrand,servingasmastersofceremoniesatdinnersandmakingspeechesacrossthecountry,andIhelppushandpolishthebrand,aswellasexecutetheshowtheywant.Theyarealwaysinmythoughts.Theymighthaveassistantswhoworryaboutthedetailsoftheirtravelarrangementsandtheirengagements,butifsomethinggoeswrongintheirprofessionallives,iteventuallycomestome.

Sometimes,Joewantstotalkaboutanissueorprobleminhislife.Maybehisfamily.I’lllistenforaslongashewants,becausemyroleistomakehislifeeasier.Ifwe’redoingtheshowinLosAngelesandhecallsmyhotelroomat2A.M.tosayhisthroatfeelsconstrictedandheneedstogettoahospital—whichactuallyhappened—Idrivehim.

DoingsuchthingsmightseemtocontradicttheglamorousnotionthatIhaveallthispowertoshapetheshowandthetalent.ButMikaandJoearetheshow.IdowhathastobedonetohelpthemmakeMorningJoeasgoodaspossible.

Ourrelationshipdoesnotworkinreverse.I’mexpectedtoworkashardasIcanwithoutburdeningthemwithhowmysonismisbehavingorwithcomplaintsaboutthesuperintendentofmyapartmentbuildingorwithdoubtsabouthowmuchtheyrespectme.Theyareontelevisionforthreehourseveryday.I’mnot.Icannotmakemypersonallifeonemorethingtheymustdealwith.

SowhenJoeandMikastrodeintoC2BlateinthemorningofApril28,thefirstthingIdidwasapologize.Notforbeingsick.Iknowthat’snotsomethingtoapologizefor.Instead,Iwascommiseratingwiththembecausetheiralreadycrowdedschedulenowhadtomakeroomfortheseriousillnessofamemberoftheirteam.

ToJoe,Ilookedfrightened.ToMika,Ilookedembarrassedatbeingthecenterof

attention.IapparentlylookedlikeIcouldusecomforting,too,becausecomfortiswhatMikabegantodispense.Youdon’tlookdifferent,shesaid.Youdon’tlooklikeyou’velostyourmind.Youarestillwithushereinthepresent,conscious,alert.You’refine.

Shedidn’tknowthat.Noneofusdid.SheactuallyfearedImightwindupdamaged.

Louis,whohadneverleftmyside,wastryingtokeepupmyspirits,too.Infact,hetoldmesomanytimesthatIwasgoingtobeokayIfinallyhadtosay,“Dude,Iloveyou,butIneedtohearthatfromadoctor.”

Joesaidlittle.Helookedverygrim.Hesaidlaterhecouldnotbefalsebypattingmyshoulderandsayingallwouldbewell,becausehethoughtmyoddsofgettingoutofthisintactweremiserable,nobetterthanfifty-fifty.

NowMikawentintofullMika-mode.

Shewasalloverhercellphone,callingthehospitalCEO,callinghospitalpublicrelationsofficials,callingJenny,callingMomandDad,reachingouttoanyonewhomighthelpinthesavingofme.Sheneverstoppeddialing.

MikaandJoewereswirlinglikesuperheroeswhohadarrivedtoconfrontthearch-villaininmyheadandtobeathimsenseless.Theywerebecomingmyexecutiveproducers.JustasIdidforthemandtheshoweverymorning,theyhadputonheadsetsofasortandwereworkingtomakemecomeoutright.

Mikapointedatherchest,thenherbutt.

“Mommy,”shesaid,“iskickingass.”

Myheadwasstillpounding.Ihadnoideawhethermybrainwasstillbleeding.Mywifewasstillacoupleofhundredmilesaway.Butthis,thisflatteningofdoorsandtakingofnames,wasstartingtosinkdeeplyintomyheart.

Sothisishowmuchtheycare.

Icouldtellthiswasn’tJoesimplyrevertingtoCongressmanScarborough.Hewasn’tmakinganobligatorystoptogiveahospitalizedconstituenthisbestwishesforafullrecoveryand,afteratwo-minutevisit,movingontoaribbon

cuttingataPensacolastripmall.Hewasinthisfight.HecaredfarmorethanIhadassumed.

Inthedaysahead,asIlayinmyhospitalbed,Iwouldgetshorte-mailsfromhimthatsaidnothingmorethanCallmeifyougetboredorWemissyouverymuch.Theyweregoodenoughtokeep,andIhave.

DuringthesefirsthoursIwasn’tworriedaboutJenny,Andrew,orthefuture.Therewerenoruminationsabouthowandwhythiseventhadhappened.Thatwouldcomelater.Byswoopinginandtakingcharge,MikaandJoehadfreedmetofocusonthepresenttask,whichwasfixingtheproblem.Howdowedothat?HowdoIgetoutofthis?Whodowecall,whatdoctordoIneed?Itwasasself-centeredasIhadeverbeen.

MikaandJoewereawarethatuntilnowIhadbeenthebeneficiaryofgoodfortuneallmylife.Notenoughemotionalpainhadbeeninflicted,theysensed,tobequeathperspectiveandserenityasIwentaboutmyjob.Iwastooyoungandtooluckytocarryscars.Nowchangewascoming.AtransformationhadbeguninthebackseatoftheEscalade,andacceleratedinC2B.Adriven,focused,charmedmanhadbeenknockedtothefloorbysomethingnoonesawcoming.

“Usually,badexperiences,ifyoucansurvivethem,arethebestthingsthatcanhappentoyou,”Mikasays.

Ifyoucansurvivethem.

Joe,atmybedside,hadanidea.HeturnedtoMika.

“Hey,doyouhaveJoe’sphonenumberonyourcell?”

JoeBiden’s,thatis.

chapterseven

TheDoctorOnthemorningofmyevent,aswe’llcallit,Dr.VivekDeshmukh,oneofthemostskilledneurosurgeonsinthecountry,hadyettoassumehiscurrenttopmedicalpostinPortland,Oregon.Thatwouldn’thappenforfourmonths.SoasIlayonmybedinC2B,Dr.DeshmukhwasacrossthestreetinaclinicaffiliatedwithGeorgeWashington,inaclosedconsultationroomwherehewasseeingapatient.Anassistantinterruptedtoannounceaphonecall.Shewasinsistent.Dr.Deshmukhexcusedhimselfandsteppedouttooneoftheclinic’sworkstations.

“Hello,Doctor.VicePresidentBidenwouldliketospeaktoyou.”

HehadnevermetBiden.Hehadneverspokenwithhim.HedidrecognizeBiden’svoice,however,andwasunderstandablyamazedtofindhimselfchattingwiththesecondmostpowerfulmanontheplanetonanotherwisemundaneWednesday.

“Iknowyou’rerealbusy,”thevicepresidentbegan.“Idon’twanttotakeuptoomuchofyourtimebecause,unlikeme,you’redoingconsequentialthings.”

Dr.Deshmukhwasimpressedbytheself-deprecatinghumor.

“IhaveagoodfriendinyourER,”Bidenwenton,“andcouldyoumaketimetoseehim?I’vecalledaroundandaskedmanypeoplewhoshouldbetakingcareofhim,andeveryoneI’vetalkedtohassaidyou’rethebestdoctortotakecareofit.”

Thefriendhadbleedinginhisbrain,Bidensaid.Hegavemyname.

NotonlydidDr.DeshmukhnotknowBidenpersonally,Ididn’tknowBidenpersonally.Hewasnotmyfriend,thoughI’dliketothinkheisnow.MikaandJoe,however,knewhimwell.Morerelevant,theyknewhewasananeurysmsurvivor.

Twenty-twoyearsearlier,whenhewasforty-five,Bidenhadsufferednotonebuttwoaneurysmsthathadtobecorrectedwithsurgery,whichsomehowthepoliticianinJoeScarboroughhadrememberedashestoodatmybedsideintheemergencyroom.AfterdescribingmyproblemtooneofBiden’saides,Mikahadbeenputthroughinstantlyand,fightingthroughtears,hadaskedforhelp.

Bidendidnothesitate.Hewouldfindtherightguy.

TheguyturnedouttobeVivekDeshmukh,whohadfinishedsecondinaclassof120attheUniversityofFloridaCollegeofMedicineanddonehisneurosurgicaltrainingattheBarrowNeurologicalInstituteinArizona,oneoftheworld’sbest.Thatmorning,hewasdirectorofcerebrovascularandendovascularneurosurgeryatGeorgeWashington.AsIwouldcometoknow,heisunflappableandskilledatreducingcomplexitytoeasilyunderstoodtermsinasoft,reassuringvoice.

Dr.DeshmukhtoldBidenhewould,ofcourse,helpand,afterhangingup,turnedtothehospital’scomputersystemtofindmyCATscan.

Itwasugly.Hehadseenathousandlikeit.Butitwasugly.Therewasalotofbloodlooseinmyhead.

Abrainhasthreelinings,andmyrenegadebloodwasbetweenthemiddleandtheinner,thespacewherethebrain’sarteriesandveinslive.Themiddleliningisthearachnoid,becauseitlookslikeaspider’sweb,andanybleedingbeneathitisthusa“subarachnoidhemorrhage.”

Themostcommonreasonforbloodtobeloosethereisblunt-forcetrauma,thesortofthingthathappensinatrafficaccident.Thatwasn’tmyproblem,obviously.Anothercommonreasonisaruptureinanabnormalcollectionofbloodvesselssomepeoplearebornwith.Dr.Deshmukhhadinmindsomethingelse,thesamethingIhadraisedwithDr.Mayersak.Ananeurysm.

Cerebralaneurysmsareballoonlikebulgesinthewallsofarteries,whicharethehigh-pressurefreewaysthatdeliverbloodfromtheheartthroughoutthebody,asopposedtoveins,whichreturnbloodtotheheartatlowerpressure.Wherearteriesfork,there’sturbulenceintheblood,whichcanleadtoweaknessinarterialwalls,whichcanleadtotheballooning.Ananeurysmcanbeassmallasaneighthofaninch,asbigasaninchandaquarter.

Statisticsvary,butseveralmillionpeoplehaveananeurysmatthismomentand

donotknowit.Mostwillprobablyliveoninblissfulignorance,becausetheiraneurysmwillnotcausesymptomsorburst.

ButeachyearintheUnitedStates,somethingliketwenty-seventhousandaneurysmsdorupture.That’sseventy-fouraday,threeanhour.FromlookingatmyCATscan,Dr.DeshmukhwasprettycertainthattodayhadbeenLichtruptureday,which,iftrue,meantmylifehadmovedclosertotheabyss’sedge.

Ifananeurysmruptures,there’snoroomforthebloodthatescapes.Theskullisnotanexpandableplace.Pressurebuilds.Thebloodcanirritatetissue.Otherarteriescanspasmandconstrict,blockingthemselves,whichcanleadtoastroke.Tissuecangetsqueezedagainstbone.Thewholebrainmightshift.It’sapotentialcascadeofmalfunction.

About15percentofthosewhoseaneurysmsburstdiebeforereachingahospital.About25percentmoredielater.Ofthosewhosurvive,mostarepermanentlydisabledbytheinvasionofbloodintoplacesitshouldnotgo.Intheend,onlyaboutafifthofthoseAmericanswhoseaneurysmsrupturelivethroughtheexperienceundamaged.

NoneofthisdidIknow.ItwouldbedaysbeforeIdid,notuntilIgothomeandsurfedtheWebandtalkedwithDad.

Examiningmyscan,Dr.Deshmukhcouldnottellhowmuchdamagehadbeendone,becausenoscancanpickupthephysicalsideeffectsofananeurysm,likeimmobilityorscrambledspeechorblurredvision.Heneededtoseemeinpersontogetasenseofthosethings,andhealsoneededamoredetailedlookatmybrain.HecalledtheneurologistondutyintheemergencyroomandorderedupasecondCATscan.

Afterfinishingwithhispatientintheconsultationroomattheclinic,hescamperedacrossTwenty-thirdStreettothemainbuilding,intotheER,anddowntotheCATsuite.Thesecondtestwouldbedonewithcontrastingdyes,thebettertoseemyarteries.Ihadbeendeliveredtherebeforehearrived.Itwassometimearoundnoon.

Ihavenomemoryofthismoment.IapparentlyhaveeraseditjustasIdidDr.Mayersak’sfirstvisittome.AsIlayonatablethatwouldslideinsidetheCATmachine,Dr.DeshmukhaskedmetodescribewhathadhappenedandhowIfeltnow.HeaskedifIhadanyallergies,surgeries,ormedicalproblems.

Nowcameanothervariationofthealreadyfamiliarneurologicalquiz.

Whatisyourname?

Whereareyou?

Doyouknowwhatyearitis?

Iknewtheanswers,knewthemall,andthatwasgoodatleast.Exceptfortheheadpainandtheinitialscanthatshowedconsiderablebleeding,thedoctorconcludedIwasanotherwisehealthyyoungmanwhowasawarehewasintrouble,butnotcatatonicorfidgetingorwailingwithgrief.Stoic,hethought.

IntothemachineIwent.IntomyarmthroughanIVwentthecontrastsolution.Thehuntformyaneurysmwason.TheCATmachinebeganmethodicallyimagingmyheadinslices2.5mmwide.Dr.Deshmukhexaminedtheimages,oneafteranother.

Nothing.Noaneurysm.

Yettherewassomuchblood.Thatmuchalmostalwaysmeansananeurysm.

Whereisit?

Adoctorwantstogetinsideandrepairtheartery.Buthehastofindthesceneofthemicroscopicdisasterfirst.Dr.Deshmukhfearedhewasmissingsomething.Ifhesentapatienthomewithoutfindingtheaneurysm,itcouldruptureagain,perhapsfatally.Mineshouldbeeasytofind,yettherewasnoevidenceofit.

Thedoctorwantedthenextleveloftest,thegoldstandard,acerebralangiogram,atestthatmakespossibleamuchhigherdegreeofmagnificationofthearteries.WewereenteringaphaseoftheafternoonIdoremember.

Iwastakenupstairstothe“angiosuite,”achilly,sterileroomwithmultiplemonitorsandamachinethatseemedasbigasaBuick.AsIwaswheeledin,therewerepeoplemillingabout.Onepointeddownatmeonthehospitalbedandmouthedtotheothersasingleword,“Biden.”

JoeandMikahadtoldmetheywerereachingouttothevicepresident.NowIwasseeingtheresults.NowIwasbecomingacelebrity,whichwasn’tallthat

unusualforahospitalinthesameneighborhoodastheWhiteHouse,theCapitol,theSupremeCourt,theembassiesofdozensofnations,andmostcabinet-leveldepartmentsofthegovernment.

Ihadnoproblemwiththespecialattention.Whenyourheadfeelsasifsomeonehasputabeltarounditandyankedwithbothhands,whenthey’vetoldyouthatyoumighthaveananeurysm,whenyouremotionshavecareenedintounexploredlands,youwantspecialattention.Youwantsomebodytomakeacallifthatsomebodyknowssomebody.

Thehospital,inanyevent,probablywouldhavereactedtomycaseinpreciselythesamewayevenifBidenhadnevergotteninvolved.Intheemergencyroom,Dr.Mayersakhadn’tknownhewouldbe,yetshehadsoundedtheneurologicalclaxonassoonasshehadtheproof.Dr.Deshmukhmighthavebeensummonedanyway.

Intheangiosuite,theyseemedtobeinagoodmood,whichhelpedme.Theanesthesiologistannouncedshewouldbemycocktailwaitress.Theguywhowasgoingtoshavemyrightlegaspartoftheprocedurenotedhewasprovidingabikiniwaxing.Iwascountingonthistest.Iwantedtobetoldthebleedinghadstopped.Ididn’tknowanythingaboutaneurysms,butIassumeduncheckedbleedingcouldnotbegood.

Myleakalmostcertainlyhadstoppedalready,though,whichDr.Deshmukhnowtoldme.Rupturestendtobequickaffairs.Theaneurysmsealsitself.Butthatmightnotlast.Are-ruptureatanytimeispossible.That’swhyitwasimportanttofindthespot.

Aconsentformwasputinfrontofme.Ihesitated.

Duringacerebralangiogram,anincisionismadeinthepatient’sleg,andasmall-diametercatheterisinsertedintothefemoralartery.Usingarteries,itthentravelsupthroughthetorsoandintotheneck.Dyeisshotthroughthecatheter,eruptingattheotherendlikeafountain,providingexcellentcontrastinthebrainforthatbigBuickofamachinetosnapimages.

Buttothebody,thecatheterisanaliendisrupterthatneedstobeattacked.Bloodcancoagulateonit,andaclotcanbreakaway,travel,andstop,blockinganarteryandcausingastroke.Thereis,inotherwords,arisktoacerebralangiogram.Notmuchofone,butarisk.

IdidnotpauseinsigningtheconsentformbecauseI’maguywholovescontrol.Thattraitonlyinvolvesthecontrolroom.Itdoesn’textendtoreadingthefineprintoneverysingledocument.IpausedonlybecauseIhadcomesoveryfarsoveryfast.IhadbeendoingashowandnowIwasinastrangeroomwithallthesepeopleandthevicepresidentwasinvolvedandmybrainhadbloodandnothingwasright.

ButIknewtherewasnochoice.Small,theoreticalriskfromacathetervs.devastating,actualpaininmybrainfromanunknowncause?

Dr.Deshmukhnudgedmealong.

“Mr.Licht,”hesaid,“you’revery,verysick.Youneedtogetthisdonenow.Signtheform.”

Isignedtheform.

Mydoctorhaddonemorethantwothousandcerebralangiograms.Asdaringandcomplicatedasitsoundstothreadatubesuchalongwaythroughabody,fromlegtohead,hemadethejourneytothebaseofmyskullinnomorethanninetyseconds,usingalivemonitortowatchthecatheter’stravels.Icouldfeelitasitwent,averyoddsensation,buttheyhadgivenmesomeexcellentdrugssoIwouldn’tsquirmatthethoughtofbeingthreadedlikeahumanneedle.Thedrugsdidn’tputmeout,becausetheyweren’tintendedto.Dr.Deshmukhneededmeawaketofollowhisinstructions.

“Takeadeepbreathin,holdyourbreath,don’tbreatheormove,”hebegan.

Ashotofdyeracedthroughthecatheter,intomyhead.Afeelingofwarm,suffusingliquidensued.Iwouldn’trecommendit.

“Breathe,”thedoctorsaid.

Wedidthissequenceofhold-your-breath,shoot-the-dye,release-your-breathtwentytimesorso.Sometimesthedyecausedlittlesparklylightningboltsinmyeyes.Foranhour,themachinerotatedthroughallkindsofangles,snappingimagesthatDr.Deshmukhandtheangioteamcouldseeonmonitors.

“Youfindanythingyet?”Isaid.

“Sofar,it’slookingokay.”

Hemeantthat,otherthantheblood,everythinglookednormal,whichwasbothgoodandcomplicating.Goodbecausetherewasnoaneurysm,complicatingbecausetherewasnoaneurysm.Ifthereisonetobefound,theveryfirstcerebralangiogramalmostalwaysfindsit.Notthistime.Thedoctorpeeredmorecloselyattheimagestomakesurehewasn’tmissingsomething.Hewasn’t.Hewassocertainhewouldseeananeurysm.Hewastroubled.

Whatisthesourceofthisblood?

Whenwefinished,theywheeledmeupstairstotheintensivecareunit,whichwouldbemyhomeastheywatchedforsignsofsecondarydamageanduntiltheycoulddomoreexplorationtofindoutwhatwasgoingoninsidemyhead.PassingasignintheICUthatsaidNOBAREHANDS,IwasrolledintoRoom284,whichhadasinglebedandawallthatwasnothingbutwindows,lookingoutonthelow-riseskylineofWashington.

Notlongafter,Jennywalkedin.

chaptereight

JennyIntheearlyyears,JennyBlancocametoacoupleofunequivocalconclusionsaboutme.

“Thisguy’sarealjerk.”

“Ihatehim.”

Ourrelationshipbegantelephonicallyaround1998,anditwasonlyprofessional,journalisttojournalist.Shewastheproducerofthe11P.M.newsatNBCinSanDiego,Iwastheproducerofthe11P.M.newsatNBCinLosAngeles,andsometimesJennywouldcallandaskforhelpcoveringabreakingstoryonmyturf.Thosewerereasonablerequests,giventhatourstationsweresiblingsandhershowdidnothavetheresourcesminedid.Wehadahelicopter.Wehadfourcameracrews.Wehadthreereporters.

NBC’slatenewsinLosAngeleshadthebiggestaudiencewestoftheMississippiRiverthen,andthereIwasatitshelm,mid-twenties,notlongremovedfromcollegeandevenlesslongremovedfrommyserendipitousstartintelevisionasawriterontheO.J.show.Asaresult,Icouldbeinsufferablyarrogant.JennyBlanco?Shewasthatproduceronthephonefromamuchsmallerstationwhomadeannoyingrequestsoftheverybusyme.It’sdifficulttobelieve,butsomehowshewoundupfeelingsecondclass.

Then,oneday,JennycameuptoL.A.togotoapartyIhadbeeninvitedtoaswell.Atlast,liketwofatedloversinafable,thetelephonevoicescameface-to-faceforthefirsttime,andJennyleftwithadistinct,freshimpressionofMr.Licht.

“He’sanovergrownfratboy.”

Shecouldn’tbelievethiscreaturehadseemedintimidating.Hewasakid.“Istillhatedhim.”Intime,sheleftSouthernCaliforniaforSanFranciscoandthena

jobwithMSNBCinNewYork,notsayinggood-byebecausetherewasnoreasonto,becauseshepossessednothingbutantipathyforme.ShemighthavepossessedevenmoreantipathyifshehadknownIhadtoldmystation’sexecutivesnottohireherifsheeverappliedforajob.Tobehonest,Ifearedthecompetition;Icouldtellshewassmartandgood.

Yearslater,yearswithoutcontactbetweenus,Iwentto30Rocktoseenetworkexecutives,andwhilestrollingthroughthenewsroomofNBC’slocalstationIcameacrossJenny,bynowproducerofthe11P.M.newsinthenation’sbiggestmarket.Wow,Ithought,shelooksgreat.Wechatted.SheimmediatelywonderedifIwasbeingsweetsimplybecauseshehadattainedmarketacceptability.

Shewascorrect.

SirRomance.

Butprofessionalsuccessis,indeed,anattractivequality,andoneofthethingsmostattractiveaboutJennytothisdayisthatshe’ssuccessfulanddriven.

Nowbeganthelongestpursuitofmydatingdays,longestintimeandlongestindistance.IwaslivingintheBayAreabecauseNBChadboughtastationinSanJoseandaskedmetomovefromLosAngelestohelpoverseeitsintegrationintotheNBCwayofdoingthings.ThismeantmanytripstoNewYorktotalkwithmanagement.

Withanothercoming,Ie-mailedJennytotellheraboutajobthatwasopenatourstation.Perhapsyou’dbeinterested,Inoted.Perhapsweshouldtalk.Perhapsweshouldhaveadrink.Shereadthisforwhatitwas,abackdoorrequestforadate,a“totalscam,”butshedidconsenttomeetatanIrishpubinManhattanonenightafterher11P.M.showhadended.Shearrivedwitha“let’sgetthisoverwith”airandnomakeup.Morethanthreehourslater,shesays,sheleftwitha“he’snotsobad”feeling.Theyearshadsandpaperedabitofmycockiness.

ThoughseparatedbytheentireUnitedStatesofAmerica,wemanagedtogooutafewtimes,andwhileIthoughtJennylikedme,sheregardedeachget-togetherasnothingmorethancollegial.“Wecanhangout,”shesaid,“butit’snotgoingtogoanyfurtherthanthat.”Herargumentwasweworkedforthesamecompanyandhadsimilarjobsandthosewereingredientsthatshouldneverbecombinedwithapersonalrelationship,period.

Itriedtotalkheroutofthis.Why,Isaid,dowomenalwaysthinkaheadtotheworstcase?Wearenotabouttogetmarried.It’sdating,notbetrothal.Whynotseewhathappens?Ifsomethingdoes,we’llfigureoutwhattodo.

Onenight,onarooftopdeckofafriend’sapartmentinNewYork,Iexpoundedlikethisforforty-fiveminutes,tryingtobreakherresistanceandwindingupnowhere.EversinceIwasateen,Ihaveknownwhatmywifewouldbelike,someonesmart,beautiful,warm,independent,andsuccessful.Anddark-haired,whichJennyis.Nobodybeforehadmeteveryitemonmylist.Shedid.Iwasn’treadytodeclareherTheOne,butneitherwasIreadytogiveupmerelybecauseofahurdlelikebeingintheNBCfamilytogether.

Intheend,oddly,itwaspreciselybecauseweworkedforthesamecompanythatthewallscamedown.BothofusweredispatchedtoAthensinthesummerof2004aspartofNBC’scoverageoftheOlympics,andoutofthesharedpressure,fatigue,frustration,andexhilarationofcoveringamonumentaleventemergedaseriouslyhookedcouple.Afewweekslater,IbroughtJennytomysisterStephanie’swedding.Isawhoweasilyandwarmlysheblendedwithmyfamily.(MyfamilywasalwaysmystrongestdatingassetbecauseMomandDadhavebeentogethersincehighschool,suggestinglongcommitmentrunsinthegenes.)AndDadwascompletelysmittenwithmydate.

Inmostrelationships,thesidesbeginasexemplarsofpolite,reasonablebehaviorandonlylaterdotheshieldsdropandtheirritatingflawsmaterialize.ButJennyandIneverwentthroughtheposeurphase.Ourrelationshipstartedbadly;shedislikedmelongbeforesheliked.AndattheOlympics,IhadseeneveryJennytherewas.TiredJenny.CryingJenny.ToughJenny.Neitherofuswasgoingtobesurprisedbytheotherbecausewealreadykneweachothersowell.

Monthsofbicoastaldatingunfolded.Weneverwentmorethantwowithoutseeingeachother.Once,whenJennywassickinNewYorkandIwasinSanFrancisco,IcalledtenrestaurantsinManhattantryingtofindonethatwoulddeliverchickensouptoherapartmentasasurprise.(Ifoundone;theyaddedabrownie,too.)

Jennywasthefirstpersonwhomademethinkofsomeoneotherthanmyself.Beforeshecameintomylife,Iwasonlyaboutmeandmywork.Allyouhadtodowascheckoutmywardrobe.IhadNBChats,NBCT-shirts,NBCjackets,NBCbackpacks.AndIworethatstuffconstantly.ButJennyquicklycameto

meansomuchtomethatIpledgedIwouldneverdoanythingtomessuptherelationshipIhadfinallyconvincedhertohave.“I’llneverbreakupwithyou,”Itoldher.“Itwillnevercomefromme.”

EverydecisionImadewasgearedtokeepingherandmakingsureshekeptme.JennywilltellyouthatfromthemomentwereconnectedyearsafterCalifornia,Iwasamodelofthoughtfulness,whichfolksat30Rockwillconsiderheadlinenews.Onetime,beforewebecameaseriouscouple,Iwasinvitedtoanout-of-townweddingandaskedJennyifshewouldliketojoinme.Whenshesaidyes,Imadesureourhotelroomhadtwobeds.Withanybodyelse,Iwouldnothavethoughtofbeingasgentlemanly.Evenkillerproducerscanbesoftened.

Ourtwo-cityrelationshipcouldneverworkforlong,ofcourse,becausethereweretoomanysadairportfarewells.TheonlychoicewastodosomethingIhadneverdone,whichwasputthepersonalaheadoftheprofessionalbymovingtoNewYork.IdidnotcarewhatjobIlandedaslongasitwaswithNBCandIwaswithJenny.

Havingbeenatbiglocalnewsstations,IassumedmyrésuméwouldinducesalivationinNewYork,butnobodyatthenetworkseemedimpressed,nordidanyoneatthelocalstation,WNBC.Sooneday,Isatdownwithanexecutiveforthelittle-sistercablenetwork,MSNBC,whichatthattimewasbasednotat30RockbutinSecaucus,justacrosstheHudsonRiver.

TheMSNBCexecutivehadnojobeither.Maybelater.IwasbeingescortedoutofhisofficewhenIblurtedoutthatI’dliketotalkwithPhilGriffin,whowasthenthecablenetwork’svicepresidentofprimetime.WehadknowneachotherattheTodayshow,wherehewasaproducerandIacollegeintern,soPhilagreedtotalktothesupplicant.Butheonlyhalflistened.Iwasgettingnowhere.Helaunchedintoanautopilotseminarabouthowcablenewsismoreopinionatedthanbroadcast.Ididn’tmentionthatIfoundcablenewsunwatchable.Finally,PhilaskedwhyIwasmovingbackeast.

“I’mdatingJennyBlanco,”Isaid.

“You’redatingJennyBlanco!OhmyGod!Iloveher!Ihatedthatsheleft!”

Jenny,remember,hadworkedforMSNBCbeforeswitchingtotheNewYorklocalstation.Philregardedherasasmart,serious,levelheadedgoddess.Ifshewasdatingme,Imustbeasuperiorbeing.“Itrustherjudgmentanyday,”Phil

saysnow.Immediatelyhisenthusiasmformyapplicationrose,doorsopened,andbeforelongIhadanoffertobeaseniorproducerofanMSNBCshowcalledScarboroughCountry.Ihadneverseenit.IhadnoideawhoJoeScarboroughwas.

Itwasdifficult,takingthisnewjob.TheonlynewsIhadeverdonewasbroadcastandlocal,andIwasabigdealinthatfamiliarworld.Iwasnothingincablenewsandmynewjobwasalesserone,comparedtowhatIhaddone.ButitwouldbeinNewYork,hubofallthingsmedia.Andthemovewasn’taboutme,itwasaboutus,Jennyandme,andIhadpromisedtodowhateverittooktopreserveus.

AweekafterarrivingtostartwithScarboroughCountry,IproposedtoherduringapreviouslyplannedtriptoAcapulco.Ayearlater,atahoteloverlookingthePacificOceanjustnorthofSanDiego,whereJennyhadgrownup,150peoplewatchedourmarriagebegin.

Attherehearsaldinnerthenightbefore,mysistermadeaspeechshehadcarefullytyped.Stephaniebeganbysayingthatmostofherlife,herolderbrothercouldbeprettyfocusedonhimself,demanding,driven,sharingfewfeelings,willingtobeunpopulartogetwhathewanted.Then,shesaid,ImetJenny.RememberthatsceneinJerryMaguirewhereTomCruisetellsRenéeZellweger,“Youcompleteme”?Well,that’swhatStephaniesaidJennydoesforme.

She’sevenmademeabetterdresser.I’mnotnearlythesartorialcommercialforNBCIusedtobe.Myrelationshipwithherkindofsumsmeup.Youmightnotlikemewhenwefirstmeet,butyou’llwarmupafterawhile.IfIhadn’tmether,ifwehadn’tclicked,Idon’tknowhowIwouldhavegottenthroughwhatwashappeningtomeinGeorgeWashingtonHospital.

chapternine

AJacketAsJennyenteredmyICUroom,theonlythingIcouldblurtout,forthesecondtimethatday,wasanobservationofmagnificentdumbness.Itcamenowhereclosetoconveyingmyjoy.

“You’rehere,”Isaid.“Youcame.”

Jennyhadspentthepreviousfewmomentsinabathroomoutsidemyroom,lecturingherselfabouthowimportantitwasnottoaddtomyfearsbydissolvinginfrontofme.Jennyisacrier.Butthewomanwhonowcametomybedwasneitherdistraughtnorfrightenedasshetookmyhand,butradiantandcalm.

“Iloveyou,”shesaid.

ToherIlooked,consideringthebrainbleed,nottoobad.Thiswasanoddthingaboutmyevent.Ineverlookedsick.Iwasprobablytheleastsick-lookingpatientintheICU.Nobruises,cuts,punctures,rashes,spots.Nolimbsincasts.Iwasn’tweak.Mybreathingwasfineandmyheartchuggingalong.Themalfunctionwasoutofsight,visibleonlywithexquisitelycalibratedtechnology,andmanifestingitself,sofar,onlyasahorribleheadache.

Beforeentering,Jennyhadimaginedherhusbandmightbeunconsciousorunabletotalk.Shecouldtellbymyeyes,though,Iwasstilloperatinginthehereandnow.Wesaidverylittletoeachother,becausetheusualfirstquestionsbetweenspousesalreadyhadanswers.Howwasyourday?Apersonalworst.Andyours?Same.

EversinceLouisreachedherasshewasfeedingAndrewinhishighchairthatmorning,shehadbeeninmotionfromourapartmentontheUpperWestSideofManhattantoPennStationinMidtownandthendowntheEastCoastviaAmtrak.Shehadbeeninperpetualcommunicationwithmyparents,Mika,mysister,herfather,andourbabysitter,whotookcontrolofAndrewasJennydeparted.

Shehadn’ttriedtocallme.IfIwasinthehospital,whereIhadneverbeen,Iwastoobadofftodisturb.Someonehadsaid“aneurysm”toherintheflurryofcalls,andbrainbleeding,butJennyhadnomoreknowledgeofthemedicaltechnicalitiesandrisksthanIoranylaymandid.Butsheknewitmustbebad,becausesheknewmyparentswerenowboundforWashingtonand“theyarenotdramaticoroverreactors.”

Onthetrain,Jennydidnotfast-forwardtoaworldinwhichIhaddied.Getthere.Thatwasall.Worktheproblem.Becauseshehadnoideawhatshewouldfindattheotherend,herthreeorfourhoursoftravelwerebeyondanxious,evenweird.AsthetrainpassedthroughNewJerseyandPhiladelphiaandintoMaryland,folksatCNN’sAndersonCooper360reachedher.ShehadbeenworkingforCNNpart-timebuthadbeendiscussingafull-timejobwiththem.Now,onthisdayofalldays,theyofferedit,havingnocluewhereshewasgoingorwhy.Shewasapologetic.Couldthisbediscussedlater?

LouisreachedPhilGriffinat30Rock,whereheisnowpresidentofMSNBC.Philwentonlinetosearch“aneurysm”andthemoreheread,theworsehefelt.HeknewhowmuchIlovedbeingatthecenterofMorningJoe.Itseemedquitepossiblethatsomesortofdisabilitywouldendmycareer.

Mysister,Stephanie,reachedMarcNespoli.Mybestfriend—Iwasthebestmanathiswedding,heatmine—grewuptobeapsychiatrist,andafterheheardfromStephanie,histhoughtsrevertedtosomethingthathadhappenedduringhismedicaltrainingataVermonthospital.Oneofhispatients,anineteen-year-oldmanwhowasbeingtreatedforseizures,suddenlysummonednursestohisroominthemiddleofthenightbecausehehad“theworstheadache”ofhislife.Hediedofasubarachnoidhemorrhageashorttimelater.Inotherwords,unlikeme,Marcknewfirsthandthethreatposedbyarupturedaneurysm.He,too,feltaneedtogettoWashingtonquickly.

MikeBarnicle,whohadbeenwithusonMorningJoethatmorning,wasathishotelwhenhewascalled.Mikemarvelsattheintensitygapbetweennewspapers,wherehegrewupprofessionally,andtelevision,wherehenowlives.Athisoldpaper,theBostonGlobe,youwroteastoryorcolumnforthenextday,whichwasstressfulforafewhours,buttherewasnopromptverdictonthequalityofyourwords.Circulationdatadidn’tarrivethenextday,andevenwhenitdid,itdidnotofferameasurementoftheworthofyourstoryspecifically,onlythepaper’svalueasawhole.

AtMJ,newratingsarriveeveryafternoononmyBlackBerryandupanddownthecorridorsof30Rock,measuringthepopularitynotmerelyoftheshow,butofeacheight-orten-minutesegment.Whowatchedatthatmoment?Howlongdidtheywatch?Happinessorfailure,Mikesays,“comesrightdownthehallway,likeanoceanwave.”Hewondershowanyofushandleit.Amonghisfirstthoughtsnowwasthatmybrainhadshortedoutfromthecrazyintensityofnetworktelevision.

Itwasmyparentswhohadknownaboutmyemergencythelongest,becauseIhadcalledthemfirstaftermybrainpopped.Aftermycall,myfatherthedoctorandmymotherthephysician’sassociatehadgoneabouttheirdayinConnecticut,notterriblyworriedbecausetherewasnoevidenceyettheyshouldbe.ButthenJennytelephoned,thenMika,thenJoe,andwitheachcallthingsgotworse.DadandMomdecidedtheyhadtogettomybedside.Then,astheypreparedtogo,Joecalledagain.

“Ijustspokewiththeneurosurgeon,Dr.Deshmukh,”Joesaid,“andhesaysthesituationisveryseriousandyoushouldcomedownimmediately.”

Dadcouldn’tbelievethephrasingJoehadused.Washesayingwhatitsoundedlike?

ToDad,youwouldnevertellarelativeonthephonethatalovedoneisdying.Whatifthatrelativewasatthewheelofacaratthatmoment?Whatifshewasinthekitchen,fainted,andhitherheadonthecounter?

No,youwouldeuphemizeuntilyoucouldtelltherelativeface-to-faceandprovidecomfortandassistance.Youwouldkeepitvagueonthephone,notsayingdeathwasimminent,butsayingonlythatthingswereserious.AsJoejusthad.

WashedeliberatelyresortingtothissortofcompassionatehazetoavoidsayingIwasdying?Orhadheinadvertentlychosenawordingnotrealizinghowadoctormightinterpretit?Foramoment—perhapstheworstofhislife,hesaidlater—Dadsawavoidopeningbeneathhisfeet.Hemightnotbeabletohandlewhatseemedtobehappening,thedeathofhisson.

“Holdit,”hesaidtoJoe.“YouhavejustseenChris.Isthereanydifferencewhatsoeverinhowheisfromthetimehewentintothehospitaltothetimeyoulastsawhim?”

Joewouldhavetobespecificnow.EitherIcouldstilltalkcoherently,asIcouldwhenIhadcalledDadafewhoursbeforeandhehadsentmetothehospital,orIcouldnot,becausetheaneurysmhadbeguntowreckmybrain,whichwouldmeanwewereheadedforsomethingcatastrophic.

“Oh,yeah,he’sfine,”Joesaid.

Hedidnotmeanfineasinhealthy.Hemeantnothinghadchangedsincemysymptomshadfirsterupted.Iwasstable.Dadsawthevoidclose.Butheknewthesituationremainedgrave,evenifitwasnotdeteriorating.Imightbeheadedforbrainsurgery.Thedoctorinhimknewtoomuchabouttheriskofopeningaskullandventuringinsidewithinstruments.Surgerymightrepairtheaneurysm,butcollateraldamagewasalwayspossible.WouldIhaveallmyfunctionswhenIlefttheoperatingroom?

Atleastfornow,Iwasneurologicallyallrightandsafelyinahospital,abigone,fullofneurosurgeonswhocouldreactifmybrainseemedtoworsen.“It’ssortoflikeinapokergame,”Dadsays,“andeverythingyouownisonthetable.That’sthebadnews.Thegoodnewsis,youhaveaprettygoodhand.”

Lookingback,beingapileofchipsissortofhowIfelt.

NowDad,amanwhodealsinfactsandeschewsdrama,didsomethinguncharacteristic,practicallysuperstitious.AsheandMomfranticallypackedtomakethetrainthatwouldtakethemtoWashington,hebecameobsessedwithfindingacertainlightweight,outdoorjacketofhis.Ithadbeenagiftfromme,broughtfromtheVancouverOlympicstwomonthsearlier.Hehadwornittoworkthatmorningandnowfelthehadtotakeitwithhim.Itwasalinktohisson,whowasindanger.

Hecouldn’tfindit.Helookedeverywhere.HeandMomevendrovebacktotheirmedicalofficetolook.Notthereeither.Theyhadtoleavewithoutit.

Excepttheydidn’t,becausethejacketwasinDad’ssuitcase,wherehehimselfhadputit,anactthatstressanduncertaintyhadpromptlyobliteratedfromhismemory.

chapterten

AKissIwasanexhaustedlabrataseveningcame.

Pokedanddrugged,scannedbyhugemachines.Acatheterhadtakenacruisethroughmytorso,mybrainhadbeensquirtedwithdyes,andIhadn’teatensincebeforedawn,whenIgotuptodoMJ.

Thehospitalbroughtfoodofsomesort,maybesoupandcrackers,andIknowIdrankalotofgingerale,butnothingcouldovercomethesensationofhavinggoneathousandroundswithabattalionofheavyweights.Theheadpoundinghadentereditsninthhour.Theemotionaltankwasonempty.

YetIdidn’tfeelIcouldgiveintofatigue.Mybraincouldn’tbetrusted,whichwasasorrythingtosayaboutitafterwehadspentsomanyhappyyearstogether.IfIshutitdownforsleep,itmightnotrestart.Noonehadsaidthat;Ijustbelievedit.

Idon’trememberwhichdoctoritwas,butinthepastfewhoursonehadtriedtobuckmeupbysayingagoodpercentageoffolkswitharupturedaneurysm—ifthat’swhatIhad—goontoleadprettynormallives.

Agoodpercentage?That’sit?“Good”soundedlike“nottoomany.”

Myspiritdidnotsoar.

Forthefirsttime,includingAndrew’sbirth,thoughtsofworkwerenotracingthroughmyhead.Ididn’tcareaboutit,whichwasliberating,buttherewasn’tmuchchoice.Mybraincouldnothandleanythingotherthanitsowndysfunction.Therewasnoroomtoponderwhatguestshadbeenbookedfortomorroworwhathottopicswemightpursue.Mentally,IhadtosurrenderasexecutiveproducerofMorningJoe.

Besides,MikaandJoeatsomepointhadsaidtheywouldnotbedoingMJ

tomorrow.They’dleavethehostingdutiestoWillieGeistbecausetheyweretooupset.Atthetime,Ireallydidn’tbelievetheywouldskipit.Buttheydid.Inretrospect,thisbecamepartofmyeducation.Wow,theydidn’tdoashowbecauseofme?Theywerethatconcerned?ThefileofevidencethatperhapsIworriedtoomuchwasthickening.

At5:45P.M.onthatfirstday,Dr.DeshmukhenteredmyICUroom,addingtothestanding-room-onlygathering.Joe,Mika,Louis,Jenny,me.Thedoctorwasgoingtogiveastatusreport,andJennyremembersheexudedcalmcompetence.Ashespoke,thereporterinMikascribbledonthebacksoftwosheetsofpaperapparentlyprovidedbyLouis,becauseonewasaprintoutofoneofhise-mailsandtheotherwasacopyofJoeandMika’sscheduleforthatday.Shegavemethosenotesasasouvenir.

Exactlytwelvehoursearlier,at5:45A.M.,wehadbeenfifteenminutesfromairtime.WhoknewwhenI’dgettodoanothershow.

Dr.Deshmukhbeganbysayingthearterieswithinmybrainlookedfine.Noneofthescans—andI’dhadthreebynow—hadfoundthecharacteristicsignsofananeurysm.

“That,”hesaid,“doesn’tmakemefeelanybetter.”

TherewasnodoubtIhadasubarachnoidhemorrhage.Andthebloodhadtohavecomefromsomewhere.Itwasn’tfiction.

“Iamstillverynervousaboutyou,”hesaid.“Iamconcernedyouhaveananeurysmthat’snotdetected.Inaweek,itmayshowup.Ifandwhenwefindit,wegoinandgetit.”

Sometimes,itcaneventakethreecerebralangiogramstolocatetheweakpointinthearterialsystem.Clearly,IwouldbeatGeorgeWashingtonforawhile.Ifnothingwerefoundduringasecondangio,Dr.Deshmukhsaid,maybeIcouldgohomeintwoweeks.

Twoweeks.

Lotsofpatientsarehospitalizedfortheirailmentsfarlonger,buttwoweeksseemedaneternitytosomeonewhohadneverbeeninahospital.Myheadacheswouldlastevenlonger,Dr.Deshmukhsaid,untiltherunawaybloodwas

absorbedbackintomysystem.

Hedidnotgointodetailaboutwhat“goinandgetit”meant,buttherearetwocommonways.Oneinvolvesaninteriorjourneyverymuchlikethecerebralangiogram.Acatheterispushedthroughthepatient’sarteries,thistimeallthewaytothesceneofthecrime.Acoilofwire—thinnerthanastrandofhair—ispushedthroughthecatheterandjammedintotheballoonoftheaneurysm.Thatfillsitandsealsitofffromtheartery,eliminatingtheweakspotthroughwhichbloodhasescaped.

Sometimes,though,theballoonissotinynocoilcanfitinside.Orsometimesitsneckissowideanycoilshovedinsidewillfallbackout,droppingintothemainbloodstream,whereitcouldleadtoastroke.Inthosecases,thesecondtypeoffixisused:brainsurgery.

Dr.DeshmukhfeltIwasacandidatefornumbertwo,buthekeptthattohimself.Hehadn’tfoundananeurysm,whichprobablymeantminewasreally,reallysmallandcoilingwouldprobablynotbepossible.Instead,whenhefoundthemicroscopicassailant,hewouldgointhroughtheskullandpinchofftheaneurysmwithatitaniumclip.It’snotasawfulordangerousasitsounds,hesays.Surgeryismoreinvasivethangoingtheinteriorroute,yes,butgettingridofaneurysmsthiswayhasbeendoneforhalfacentury.

IfIhadknownbrainsurgerywasinmyfuture,however,Iwouldn’thavefeltbetterthatithadbeendoneforhalfacentury.

Dr.Deshmukhcouldnotcloseofftheaneurysmbyeithermeans,ofcourse,ifhecouldnotfindit.Fornow,hewascallingahalttothehunt.Hedoesnotliketodocerebralangiogramsoneafteranotherinaconstantquestfortheaneurysm.Foronething,theprocedureitselfhasrisk.Andintheimmediateaftermathofarupture,thebodycancamouflagethescene,anditcantakeseveraldaysforthingstosettleandtheaneurysmbecomeeasiertosee.Becausehehadn’tseenmineafterthefirstangio,therewasachanceitwasbeingobscuredinjustthisway.Itmadelittlesensetosearchagainsosoon.Hewoulddoasecondcerebralangiogramaweekfromtoday.

Untilthen,wehadtobealertforanyneurologicalsignthattheaneurysm,whereveritwas,wasrupturingasecondtime.Theoddsofthatwerenotgreatandtheydiminishedeachday,butthethreatwasreal.Hedidnotsaythiseither,

butDr.Deshmukhhashadpatientswhosurvivetheinitialrupture,aresafelyensconcedintheintensivecareunit,andthensuffernewbleedinganddiebeforetheycangettosurgery.

Inotherwords,patientswhowereinpreciselymysituation.

Myignorancewasmyhappiness.

Butmaybeitwasn’tananeurysm,thedoctorwenton.Inabout15percentofcases,nodefinitivereasonforthebleedingisfound.It’samysteriousone-offevent,unlikelytohappenagain.Buthestillhadanobligationtokeephunting.

EveniftherewasnoaneurysmandIneverre-bled,therewasonelastseriousmatter.

Thebloodalreadythere.

Untilitwasabsorbed,itwasanirritant.Iheardthatalot.Anirritant.Apparently,therenegadebloodcouldirritatemeintoastrokebycausingmyhealthyarteriestospasm,andthemostlikelytimeframeforthatwasbetweenfiveandtendaysfromnow.Iwastostarttakingapilleverytwohours,nimodipine,whosepurposewastopreventarterialspasms.

Dr.Deshmukhrecallsthatatsomepointduringhisbriefing,IaskedwhetherIwouldbeabletogobacktowork.“Thisisaguywho’saccustomedtogo,go,go,fourinthemorningtowhateverlatehoursintheday,”hesays.Ididn’tseemconcernedImightneverbeabletodomyjobagain,hesays.Itwasmorethatmyschedulehadblownup.Heknowsthetype.“Theywanttogobacktoworkrightaway,andtheydon’tlikebeinginthehospitalandtheydon’tliketakingtimeoff.”

No,wedon’t.

Sothat’swherethingsstood.Possiblere-bleeds?Possiblespasms?IwasinmoreprecariousshapethanIhadthought.

Andthedaywasn’tdone.

ThoughIfinallyfeltreadytosuccumbtosleep,Ihadtoendureonemoretest.

Sometimes,theculpritincaseslikemineisatumorinthebrainoronthespinalcordthatrupturesandreleasesblood,mimickingthesymptomsofarupturedaneurysm.Dr.Deshmukhdidn’tthinkthat’swhathadhappenedtome,buthewantedtoruleitout.ThetestisalongoneinvolvinganMRI,andmostpatientshateit.

Ihatedit.

TheyheldoffthistestuntilMomandDadarrived,wellintothenightnow,comingdirectlyfromthetrainstation,wheretheyhadbeenpickedupbyanNBCcar.WillieGeist,whohadnotbeenwithusonthetriptoWashington,hadcomefromNewYorkonthesametrain,andremembersthinkingashewalkedinhowvulnerableIlooked,hookedtomonitors,pale,whipped.Itwassonotme,hethought.

Agreed.

IthoughtIsawtearsinMom’seyes.Dad,knowinghowmuchIliketocontrolthings,knewthatbeinginthiswholemesswoulddrivemecrazy.Hewasabouttobesoright.

Iwaswheeledawaytoanothersuite,putonanotherhard-surfaceslab,andonceagainslidintoamachine.Thisoneclickedrelentlessly,loudly.Iwasnotmedicatedthistimebecausethetestwasnotinvasive.Iwasmuchmoreawarethanduringthecerebralangiogram.

AsIlaytherefortwentyminutes,thirty,listeningtotheclicking,silentlyobjectingtomylackofcommandoveranythinginmyliferightnow,thewholedayroseupandpunchedme.Therewasnogoodtoanyofthis.Everythingsucked.Thebrainbleed,thetests,thefatigue,thedisruption,theinabilitytofindthethinginmyhead.Allsucked.WhyIthoughtthereshouldbesomegoodinallthis,Idon’tknow,butIfoundnone.Thethoughtswereprecursorsofmuchbigger,darkeronesthatwoulddescenduponmeinaweek.IlaytheresilentlyintheMRImachinewithnothingtodobutindulgemyirritation.

Whydoestheslabhavetobesohard?Whofuckingdesignedthisthingtobethathard?WecanputsomeoneonthemoonandthismachinehastobesoloudIcan’tevenhearmyselfthink?And,honestly,howlongdoesittaketodoamapofmybrain?

ThenIwassilentnolonger.

“Enough!”Iyelled.“Done!”

WhenIgotbackfromtheMRI,MomandDadandJennywerestillinmyroom.Itwaslatenow.MyparentswouldspendthenightatahotelNBChadfoundforthemandwouldpayfor.Jennywouldhavetoleavesoon,too;hospitalrules.Asmyparentsbegantogo,Dadstoppedandreturnedtomybed.Hebentclosetomyear,andwhispered.

“Iabsolutelyfuckingguaranteeyouthatyouwillbeallright,”hesaid.

Hedidn’tknowifIhadheardthis,becauseIseemedsotiredandbeatenup.ButIrememberhisvownow.Itgavemehope.Dadneverlies.Dadnevercoddles.IfhewaspromisingIwasgoingtobeallright,thenIwasgoingtobeallright.

Heleanedcloseandkissedme.

chaptereleven

TheCallerThoughIlongagogaveup,quitewillingly,theambitionofbeingananchororreporter,IwasoftenontheairduringatypicalMJ.InControlRoom3Aat30Rock,there’salwaysasmallcamerafocusedonmychairinthefrontrowbecauseIsometimesbanterwithJoeandMikaduringashow,usuallyaboute-mailsviewershavesentwhilewe’relive.Theyhavebecomeusedtoseeingtheyoungexecutiveproducerinhisdressshirtwithnotie,sleevesrolledup,headsetclampedovershort,wavyhair.

Myabsencewouldbenoticeableastimerolledon.Andonthefirstdayaftermyevent,itwouldbereallynoticeablethatMikaandJoeweren’tthere.SofromNBC’sfamedWashingtonbureau,WillieGeistexplainedtothoseathomewhatwasgoingon.

“OurfriendChrisLichtwasadmittedtoaWashingtonhospitalyesterdayafterexperiencingextremeheadpain,”Williesaid.“AsubsequentCATscanleddoctorstobelieveChrishadsufferedananeurysm.”

Sincechildhood,Ihaveenjoyedthethrillandexcitementofcoveringnews,butneverhadIbeenthenewsbeingcovered.Mybrainbleedwasinvertingthenaturalorder.

“Chrisisinstablecondition,”Williewenton,“andsufferednoneurologicaleffectsfromtheincident.Weexpecthimtomakeafullrecovery.WedoaskthatyoupleasekeepChrisinyourprayers.”

Iamnotreligious,andinthepastmyreactionuponhearingthatsomeonewasprayingforsomeoneelsewasentirelycynical.Goodforyou,terrific.Nowpeopleweregoingtoprayforme.Jenny’saunt,anuninBoston,evenmadesuremynamewasincludedamongthoseforwhomhercongregationwastoprayatMass.Allthisfeltrathergood,surprisingly.Ilikedtheideathatspiritualthoughtsweretravelingthroughthecosmosonmybehalf.Whatevermightwork

togetmeoutofthis,Iwasinfavorof.

Ididn’tseeorhearWilliereadhisstatementbecausethetelevisioninmyICUroomofferedmanychannelsbutMSNBCwasnotoneofthem,asourceoffrustrationduringmyentirestay.Nor,therefore,didIseehimchatontheairafewminuteslaterwithMikeAllen,thechiefpoliticalwriteroftheWebsitePolitico,whohadmentionedmybrainbleedinhiscolumnthatday,acolumnreadbythesamepeoplewhowatchMJ,namely,theentirepoliticaluniverse.

Butnotlongafterallthisdiscussionontheair,itbecameclearsomebodymusthavesaidsomethingaboutme,becausemyBlackBerrylitupwithe-mails.Jennynowhadpossessionofitasaprecautionagainstmyworsttendencies,andshebeganreadingaloudthethingsthatwerefloodingin.E-mailsfrompeopleatNBCIhardlyknew.PeopleatNBCI’dhaddisagreementswith.Civilianswhowerefansoftheshow,maybehadseenmyface.

Thinkingofyou.

Getwell.

Itwasmerelythebeginning.Intime,ChrisMatthews,thehostofHardballonMSNBC,wouldsendanotesaying,Aren’tyoutheguywhocreatedthatmorningshowthat’sgotallthebuzz?Letmeknowifyouwantmymoviecollection—ortocomevisitandloveyoucloseup.DorisWoodofSurprise,Arizona,saidshereallymissedseeingmeontheair.LindaTatumofFortRiley,Kansas,saidIneededtohurrybackbecauseJoe,Mika,andWillie“needexperiencetobalancethemout(smile).”BonnieMcGregorofMenloPark,California,wantedtheshowtokeepgivingupdatesaboutmyconditionbecauseIdosuchagoodjobwiththeproductionvalues,shesaid.AndBrianWilliams,theanchoroftheNBCEveningNews,sentalettersayingmyeventhadsentachillthrough30Rockbecausesomanyadmiredme.

Thiswasoverwhelming,especiallythereactionfromcolleagues.Ididn’tknowaboutallthisadmirationBrianmentioned.Iassumedmyfanbasewaslimited.Afterall,akillerproducer,ashegoesabouthiskilling,inflictscasualties.Iftheshowmattersaboveallelse,asitdidtome,hurtingsomeone’sfeelingsbybeingtoughorbrusqueisaninevitableresult.

Iwasawareenoughofmyreputationtohavesetouttobenicerandsendfewernastye-mails,andIwasmakingprogress.Buttheaffectionandconcernnow

floatingintomyhospitalroomelectronicallywasarevelation,onethatpenetratedtomycore.Anyplacehasitsfeuds,andMSNBCcanhaveideologicalonesbecausesomeshowsleanleftandJoeScarboroughismoreconservative.Butthee-mailssaid,ineffect,thatnobodywasfocusedonthat.PeoplewerethinkingofChristheguy,theoneinthehospitalbed,notChristheproducer.Iwassotouchedbythisthatintheaftermathofmyillness,ifIknowyouandIfindoutyou’resick,you’llgetanotefromme.Neverdidthatbefore.Gettinggoodwisheswhenyou’reinatoughspotmeansalot.Trustme.

Whathappenednext,however,wasquiteridiculous.

IbegantothinkIwasn’tsickenough.

Thesenotesareverynice.Theyreflectgenuineconcern.Andyet,otherthanareallybadheadacheandintravenoustubes,Ifeelfine.Ifeellikeme.Doctorshavegoneinandfoundnothingotherthantheblood.Thiscouldamounttonothingbutafreak,minorthing.AmIreallyworthyoftheattentioninthesee-mails?AmIgoingtoseemliketheboywhocriedwolf?WillpeoplefeelburnedifIturnouttobefineandtheygotallworkedupfornothing?

Atthispoint,remember,Ididn’tknowthefullriskIfacedbecauseIdidn’tknowallthestatistics,theonessuggestingthatthenumberofpeopleinmysituationwhoemergewholeisonlyaveryfortunateminority.IfIhadknownthat,ImightnothavebeenanxiousaboutwhetherIwarrantedthesee-mailsandletters.

ButIwasanxiousnow.

Nowcameacomplementarythought.

Ifallthesepeopleweresendingallthesee-mails,theymustthinkI’minterribleshape.TheymustthinkI’mavegetable.Ifyouannounce,asWilliehad,thatsomeoneisexpectedtomakeafullrecovery,that’scrap,isn’tit?That’sanotherwayofsayingthatfornow,aswespeak,thepoorguyisnotdoingtoowellatall.

Inthecorridorsofthenationalmedia,whichweretheonesIcaredabout,theywouldassumeIwasdone,nolongeryoung,nolongerenergetic,nolongerakiller.Althoughmadewiththebestofintent,Willie’sstatementsuggestedthatthemasterandcommanderofMorningJoewasnowfragile.

Icouldn’tbeseenthatway.Inmyjob,everybodylookstobullyandtake

advantage.Ifyou’reapushover,yougetrunover.Andthat’swhatpeoplewouldthink.AsIlaythereinthehospital,ImightwellhavestoppedcaringabouttheparticularsofthenextMJ,butIstillcaredaboutmyprofessionalstanding,evenwithabrainbleed.Myeducation-through-illnesswasn’tfarenoughalongyetformetonotcarewhatpeoplethought.

Threedayslater,onMay2,MikaandJoedidaspecialSundayeditionoftheshowfromthelawnoftheWhiteHouse.Wehadlongplannedthis,becausetheWhiteHouseCorrespondents’AssociationdinnerwasgoingtotakeplacethenightbeforeanditwouldbefuntorehashthejokesandthecelebritysightingsandPresidentObama’sremarks.

Thatdinnerisoneofmyfavorites,anditwasdepressingtomissit,butJennyandIhadatleastwatchedonC-SPAN.ButwithoutMSNBCavailableinmyroom,Icouldn’tseethespecialMJthenextmorning.SowecalledNBCfrommyhospitalroom,andJennyandIlistenedonspeakerphonetoalivefeedoftheshowonacall-inline.

SomeonetoldJoeIwasparkedthere,eavesdropping.

Hedecidedthiscallerhadtobeheard.

Ihadn’tpreparedforthis.Butrightaway,Ilikedtheidea.JoeseemedtosenseIwouldbeworriedaboutmyimage.Ifheputmeontheair,ifonlybyphone,peopleouttherewouldhearmyvoice,hearmythoughts,andrealizeIwasstillme.Evenbetter,myhealthwasimprovingalready.TheyhaddoneanotherCATscanbecausemyheadreallyhurt,andithadshownthebloodwasbeingreabsorbedfasterthanexpected.

Sittingindirector’schairswiththeWhiteHousebehindthem,MikaandJoelookedasiftheyhadpartiedwaytoomuchatthedinner.Theyworesunglasses.ButtheyandWilliewerechipperastheycuedupthecallerfromthehospital.TheybeganbynotingthatAlecBaldwinhadaskedaboutmeatthedinnerthepreviousnight.

“Howareyoufeelingrightnow,Chris,”Joesaid,“andhowaretheytreatingyouatGW?”

Forananosecond,Istammeredslightly,thengotgoing.

“Ifeelalotbetter.Reallyturnedthecorneryesterday,andtheycouldn’tbetreatingmeanybetter,whichislargelybecauseMikagotonthephoneandyougotonthephone,andthey’vejustbeenamazinghere.”

Myvoicewasfindingitsstride.

“Alotofoutpouring,whichhasreallyhelped,andIwillsayIdon’tthinktheICUhasseenanythinglikeyoutwolastnightbeforethedinner.”

MikaandJoehadshownthetelevisionaudiencephotosofthemselvesintheirformalwearvisitingmyroom,Mikadrapedacrossmybedandleaningintogiveakiss.Myfacewascherrywithembarrassment.

“Iknowthiswillshockyou,Chris,”Joesaid,“butsinceyou’veleftwe’vemissedeverybreak.”

“Andlastnight,wehadnoideawheretogo,”Mikasaid,meaningIhadn’tbeentheretosteerthemaroundthedinner.“Wewerelost.”

Theywerekeepingitlight,whichsuggestedallwasfinewithmeandthiswastemporary.

“Well,”Isaid,“ifyouwanttoknowjusthowboredIaminthehospital,youeverwonderwholooksattheonlinefeedofthepeopleatthedinnerbeforethedinneractuallystarts?Thatwasme.”

“Thatisdark.”Willielaughed.

“Youwereinadark,darkplace,”Joesaid.

Iwaskeepingitlight,too,becauseIcould.See,brainworking.

Mika,Joe,andIjokedlaterthatIreallyshouldhavedrooledandslurredasmanywordsaspossible,becausethatwouldcometobewhatpeopleassumedIwaslikeanyway.

chaptertwelve

AHeadinaLapInthemidstofthis,somethingelsehugewasunderwayinthelifeoftheLichts.Afewdaysintomyhospitalstay—Ican’trememberwhen;thedaysblended—JennyenteredmyroomintheintensivecareunitwearingasmileandwavinganultrasoundphotothatGeorgeWashington’sradiologydepartmenthadtakenthatmorning.

ThephotoshowedBLT,aswecalledit.

BabyLichtTwo.

AbloodtestdonebeforemyeventhadrevealedJenny’snewpregnancy,althoughwehadtoldalmostnoone.ShehadbeenscheduledtohaveaconfirmingultrasoundinNewYorkbuthadtoskipitaftermybrainbleed.GWhadbeenaskingiftherewasanythingweneeded,anythingitcoulddotomakeourliveseasier,andweeventuallysaidanultrasound.

Jennywasn’tsureaboutthis.Thechancewasremote,butwhatifthetestrevealedababyindistress?Howcouldthatbegoodforherhospitalizedhusband?Butshecouldtellthetestwasimportanttome.Iwantedtoknowsheandthebabywerehealthy,andIneededanupliftingsomething,apieceofunalloyedgoodnews.Onthismorning,hereitwas,aphotoofmysecondchild,noweightweeksalong,toosoontoknowtheflavor,buthereitwas.

I’vealwaysknownJennyisstrong.Butconsiderwhattheultrasoundphotoreallysaid.Itsaidthatinadditiontocopingwithaspousewhoseheadwashaywire,mullinganofferfromCNNmadewhileshewasonthetraintomybedside,andkeepingintouchwithourfirstbornwhohadnowbeenwhiskedtomysister’sinBostonandwhomshedearlymissed,Jennywasgoingtohavetoridethroughmycrisiswhiletakingcareofherselfandthenewlifeinherbelly.CarloAngeloCruz,oneofmynurses,calledherthe“superwoman.”

Shewoundupasacop,too.

“Shehadtofieldthemostincrediblesuccessionofpeoplecominginandoutofthatroom,”Momremembers,“tryingtomakejusttherightbalancebetweenhavinghimknowthatpeoplewereconcernedbutnothavinghimcompletelyswamped.”

SomanyvisitorsreachedRoom284oftheICUthatchairswoundupgroupedaroundmybedlikeIwasafirepitprovidingwarmth.MikaandJoecameuntiltheyhadtogobacktoNewYork;MomandDadcameeveryday;mysister,Stephanie,andmybestfriend,Marc,came;andNBCtypes.Myseniorstaff—AlexKorson,PeteBreen,andAnnEdelberg—allcame,too.Marcthought,illnessornot,Iwasn’treallyoffthejobatall.Thejobwascomingtome.Butthelaughterwastherapeutic,eveniflaughingmademyheadhurtevenmore.

PhilGriffincamewithagift,aniPadstockedwithappstokilltime.Dr.DeshmukhcameeverydaytoseehowIwasdoing.Hedidn’tknowI’ddoneagueststintontheSundayMJandwasn’tthrilledwhenhefoundoutmonthslater.Fairlyoften,mynurseCarlohelpedtokeepmymusclesinshapebywalkingwithme,firstwithintheroomforafewsteps,thenoutinthehall.Andonegloriousdayneartheend,oneofmyothernurses,ElisaWeiss,gotpermissiontotakemedownstairsinmywheelchairandouttheveryemergency-roomdoorsIhadwalkedinthatfirstterribleWednesday.Foracoupleofminutes,parkedoutside,Elisa,Jenny,andIbaskedinthesunandinhaledthesmellsofspring.ItwasthefirsttimeIhadbeenoutofthebuilding,andIfeltenormouslybuoyed,likeImightbeinthehomestretch.Thankyou,Elisa.

Bothofmyfamilies,theonefrom30RockandtheoneIspendholidayswith,allthepeopleIloved,hadcometogethertohelp,whichfilledmypainfulheadwithmuchcheer.Mikaintroducedherselftomymotheras“Chris’sothermommy.”AndIcouldtellDadwasveryproudhissonknewallthesehigh-flyingNBCpeople.HeandMomwatchMorningJoebuttheyhadnevercometotheset.Mika,Joe,thepresidentofMSNBC,everybody,heretoseeChris?Impressive.

Muchofthetime,though,itwasonlyJennyandme.

Ican’trecallspendingasmuchqualitytime.Itwastogetherness,sponsoredbycrisis.Thebrainbleedreaffirmedallthosereasonswehadmarriedbutthataworkweekcanovershadow.WetalkedaboutAndrew,whowastooyoungtogetonthephonewithme,andwetooktripsdownnostalgiahighway.“Stupidstuff,”Jennysays.WeareLaw&Orderfans,andwatchedreruns.Theordinarinesswas

thebeauty.

Gradually,thoughtsbuddedaboutwhatwasgoingonatMJ.IaskedfortheBlackBerry.Hadtochecktheratings.Iwasfeelingbetter.

Noself-pitywassharedbetweenJennyandme.Donotpictureaweepingwifeslumpedacrossherbelovedhusband’shospitalbedasthecouplelamentsTheFatesthathavedonethistotheirhappyexistence.EveninthedarkdaysafterIgothome,nowailingabouthowthiswasunfaireverpassedmylips.Tositpassivelyandbemoanbadlucksolvesnothing.Idealwiththehandthat’sbeendealt.Idon’twastetimewishingforothercards.

NordidJennyandIdiscusswhatmyillnessmightmeanforourfuture.Certainlywehadnoconversationsaboutdying,becauseneitherofusthoughtIwould.Deathwasapossibility,yes,butonlyinthewayitiswhenyouboardanairplane.Instead,mostofthetime,IwonderedwhereIwouldwinduponthescaleofpossiblelastingeffects.WeconcentratedongettingoutofthereandgoingbacktoNewYorkandhavingBLTandgettingbacktonormal.Iwantednormal,whatevernormalwasgoingtobe.

Onedayatthehospital,Jenny’scellphonerang.ThescreensaidUNKNOWNNUMBER.

“Hello?”

“Jenny?”

“Yes?”

“JoeBiden.”

Justlikethat.Nosecretaryintervening.Him.

“Oh.Hello,Mr.VicePresident.”

Cell-phonereceptionintheICUwaschronicallybad,andnowJennywasterrifiedoflosingthecall,becausehowdoyoucallback“unknownnumber”?Thesignalatthemomentwasgood.Shefrozeinplaceandlistenedbecause,asyoumighthaveheard,JoeBidenisagreattalker.

HetoldherIwasgoingtobefine.Thedoctorwasgreat.Thehospitalwasgreat.And,ofcourse,hewaslivingproofIwouldbegreat.HehadsurvivedwhatIhad.Yes,thenotknowingandthewaitingweredifficult,hesaid,butdon’tworry.

Thankfully,hedidn’tdowhatmanywell-wishersdid,whichwasadoptacommiseratingpersonaandsayever-so-sincerelythatmysituationwasoh-so-terribleandoh-my-Godhowyoudoing?Instead,Bidenmadeusfeelthebindwewereinwasnothing,ablip.

Anotherday,JeffZuckershowedup.Hewasthebossofallmybosses,thepresidentandCEOofNBCUniversal.Quickly,Imorphedfromhospitalpatienttoloyalandhardworkingemployee.MikaandJoe’sblitzonmybehalfmighthavestartedtoeasemyfearsaboutwork,butthisvisitstillrequiredmajorgameface.Zucker’sTheGuy.

Can’twaittogetback,Itoldhim,whichwasn’ttrue.Icouldwait,quiteabitlonger.IaddeditwassoannoyingthattheTVinmyhospitalroomdidn’tcarryMSNBCsoIcouldwatchmyshowandnotmissanimportantthing.Inotherwords:Jeff,Iampracticallynotsickandthenetworkisabsolutelyuppermostinmymind,notthispoolofbloodcoatingmybrain.

Zuckerreadthisforwhatitwas:nonsense.

We’veallheardpeoplesaynothingismoreimportantthanhealth.Butwhentheysaythat,it’smorereflexthanbelief,andtheyoftensecretlythinkyou’remalingering.

Zuckerisdifferent.Yearsago,hehadcomeclosetodyingfromcoloncancer.HehadmadethejourneyIwasnowmaking.Heknewnojobmattersallthatmuch,workisonlywhatyoudo.Heknewphysicalwell-beingistheprimedirective.

Heleanedin.

“Nothingismoreimportant,”hesaid.“Don’tworryaboutanything.We’vegotitcovered.We’vegotyoucovered.”

Okay,Isaid.

Heapparentlydidn’tthinkhe’dgottenthrough.

“Chris.”

Pause.

“There’snothingmoreimportant.”

Heisawiseman.Hehelpedmeletgo—letgoofwork—evenmorethanIhad.

Theworstday,otherthanthefirst,wastheFridaytwodayslater.AsJennysatwithme,Itriedtosaysomething.WhatcameoutwasakindoflinguisticCobbsalad.Everythingwasthere,butalltossed.“Bed,outside,window.”Somethinglikethat.

JennycouldtellbymyfacethatIknewmywordsweregibberishbutshecouldalsotellIcouldn’tself-correct.Didthisheraldare-bleeding?Wasthistheanticipatedspasminadvanceofastroke?Isthisthedescent?

Ihadhadabadnight.Sincethefirstday,nurseshadbeencomingeveryhourortwoandleadingmethroughthosefamiliarneurologicaltestsdesignedtocatchbraindeteriorationasearlyaspossible,sothehospitalcouldswingintoaction.Shrugyourshoulders.Stickoutyourtongue.Closeyoureyesastightasyoucan.Ialwayspassed.

“WhoisthepresidentoftheUnitedStates?”anursesaidduringonevisit.

“Youknow,”Isaid,joking,“wereallydon’tknowbecausewehaven’tseenhisbirthcertificate.”

Ha.

Thetestsdidnotceaseatnight,somysleepwasbrokenandbattered,andonthisFridaymorningIhadbeensurly.Theyhadgivenmeadrugandithadknockedmeout,untilIawokespeakingintonguestoJenny.

Shewentinsearchofanursewhoquicklydeterminedthevillainwasthedrug,notmybrain.ButmostofthetimeintheICU,thoughtsofare-bleedorsuddendysfunctionhoveredoverthebed.AnyminuteIexpectedmyvisionwouldblurormytonguewouldmangleaword.Whyelsewouldtheybetestingmeconstantly?IhadhadnowarninginthebackoftheEscaladethatmorning.ItseemedreasonableI’dgetnowarningthesecondtime.

Are-bleedwasnottheonlyopenquestioneither.

Wouldtherebebrainsurgery?

Ifananeurysmwasfoundduringthecomingsecondcerebralangiogram,myheadwouldprobablybeopenedup,thoughIdidn’tknowthatwasDr.Deshmukh’slikelyremedy.Ionlyknewwhathehadsaid,thathe’dgoinandgetit.Dad,however,knewbrainsurgerywasarealpossibilityandhewasworried,notbecauseGeorgeWashingtondidn’tknowwhatitwasdoing,butbecausebrainsurgeryisinherentlydelicate.

Butatleastit’sdefinitive.Aneurysmfound,aneurysmremedied.Caseclosed.Goinpeace,myson.

Notfindingone,though,wouldleaveaneternalmystery.WhyhadIbled?ItwouldbelikeagameofClueinwhichnomurdersuspectwaseverfoundinanyroomwithanyweapon.Dadactuallypreferredthisscenario,though,becausehedidnotwantasurgicalexpeditionaryforcewalkingaroundinmyhead.

OnWednesday,May5,oneweektothedayafterIhadarrivedintheemergencyroom,Iwasagainwheeledtothecerebralangiogramsuite.Onceagaintheycutintomyleg,ranthecatheter,shotthedye,scannedthescans.

Onceagain,noaneurysm.

Oddswererisingmybleedhadbeenfreakish.Dr.Deshmukhwantedathirdcerebralangiogramintwoweeks,butthingslookedallrightatthemoment.Ihadnosigns,either,ofanysecondaryimpactfromthereleasedblood.

Soonerthanhadseemedpossibleondayone,Icouldgohome.

Thenextday,NBCsentacaranddriver,andJennyandIpiledintothebackseatfortherideupInterstate95,toNewYorkandAndrewandtherestorationofourlife,oratleastthebeginningoftherestorationofourlife.Somemasterywascomingbacktome.Ifeltgood,orasgoodasyoucanwithaheadachethatwasnoweightdaysold.

Thehospitalgavemedo’sanddon’tsaswegotreadytoleave.Don’tdrive.Don’texercise.Don’tdoanythingthatraisesbloodpressure.Dotaketheantispasmpills.Butnothingwassaidabouthowtodealwithmyemotions.Ileft

GeorgeWashingtonUniversityHospitalneverhavingdealtwithatopiccertainlyworthyofsomemajorconsideration.

Whathadsudden,random,life-threateningillnessdonetome?

Nottomybody.Me.

Inthecar,I’mprettysureIputmysadheadinJenny’slap.

chapterthirteen

AnAngryManOneofDr.Deshmukh’sinstructionswasnowork.

Nochanceofthat.

Uponarrivingatoureighteenth-floorapartmentontheUpperWestSideonThursday,May6,Ihadanemotional—onmyend,anyway—reunionwithAndrew,whodidnotseemfazedhisfatherhadbeenaway.MJtakesmeoutoftownquiteabit.Andrewisusedtoabsences,thoughhavingbothparentsawayforsolongwasbeyondournorm.IfhehadnotbeengladtoseemeorhadbeenconfusedastowhoIwas,thatwouldhavebeenadaggerinmytiredheart.

Ithenretreatedtotheliving-roomcouch,whereIlargelystayedforthedurationofthemend,mainliningtelevision.Tothedoormanofourbuilding,tothedriverfromWashingtonoranyoneelse,ImusthavelookedlikecrapbecauseIfeltlikeit.Myheadremainedhostile,thoughmedshelped.Ontopofthat,myhipshurt.Theyhadbeenhurtingbeforemyevent,maybebecauseofjoggingIhadbeendoing,buttheyhurtevenmorenow.

Inthecomingdays,itwasobviousmysonandIcouldn’tplayasweusuallydid,becauseIhadnogasforextendedromps.Iwasn’tsleepingwell.Movingaboutwasachore,althoughthatfirstdayathomeIdidgetuptotakeashower,myfirstsincetheCivilWar.Atthehospital,theyhadonlysponge-bathedme,soacompleteself-rinsewasdelightful,becauseIcontrolledtheshampoo,Icontrolledthesoap,andIcontrolledtheduration.

Mealsbeganarrivingatourdoor.PhilGriffinsentlasagnathefirstnight,andwhileitwasheaventonolongerbeeatinghospitalfare,thedeliveriesweresorichtheycouldnotpossiblybegoodforapatientwhohadbeentoldnoexercise.Iforcedmyself.

CNNhadtoldJennytotakeallthetimeoffshewantedtotakecareofme.Shedeliveredanantispasmpilleverytwohours,eventhroughthenight,which

meantshedidn’tgetsteadysleepeither,probablynotagoodthingforBLT.WewatchedalotofTVandmanymovies.IwatchedMJacoupleoftimes,onlytoseelittlethingsIwouldhavedonedifferentlyornotdoneatall.Itwaslikesittinginthebackseatwhilesomeoneelsedrivesyourcar.Icoulddonothingaboutthemfromtheapartment,soIstoppedwatching.

Moreget-wellcardscame.Sodidmoree-mailsfromJoeScarborough.HenevercalledwhileIwashome,andIthinkIknowwhy.Ifhehad,ImighthavedonewhatIdidwithZucker.Imighthavefakedgoodhealthandboundlessenthusiasm.HeavoidedthecharadebysendinglittlemissivesthatrequiredonlythatIenjoyhisconcern.

Howyoufeelingthismorning?

Callifyouneedanythingatall!

CallmeifIcanhelpinanyway.

Theworryofasecondeventwasthere,eventhoughthemedicalchanceofonewasverysmall.MybrainhadbeenCAT-scanned,MRI’d,andcerebral-angiogrammedsothoroughlythatIhadmuchmorereasontobelieveIwasaneurysm-freethan,forexample,youdo.Yourgraymatterhasnotbeenrepeatedlysweptelectronicallyforpossiblemines.

Butworryaboutthatsecondeventwasnotamatterofreason.MikarecallshowshehatedthisperiodwhenIseemedtoberecoveringbutwhenIcouldbestruckdownagain.“Itwasnotoverwhenitwasover,”shesays.

AweekafterIgothome,ane-mailarrivedasItalkedwithPhil,whohadcalledtocheckonthepatient.ItwasfromsomeoneatNBC’shumanresourcesdepartment.

Hopethise-mailfindsyouwellandimproving,itsaid.Sohappytohearyouarehome.Ijustwantedtofollowupthatwehavenotreceivedanyinformationregardingyourleaveandwantedtoremindyouthatyouneedtocallthedisabilitycenter.

Disabilitycenter?

Iamdisabled?

Iamnotdisabled.

Likeaneurysmacoupleofweeksearlier,thewordwasapunch.

Thestoryseemedtobethatanyoneabsentfromworkmorethanacertainnumberofdays—andIwascomingclose—mustbeclassifiedas“disabled,”whichapparentlyhassomethingtodowithwhichpotofmoneypaysthehandicappedemployee.Untilnow,everyonehadworkedsohardtomakemyillnessaseasytonavigateaspossible.NowIhadtodopaperwork?Itjustfeltcold.Bloodless.

Icalledhumanresourcesandaskedwhetheritwouldn’tmakemoresenseformetoskipthewholedisability-centerthingandusevacationdaystocovertheonesIhadmissedandwouldcontinuetomiss.I’dworkedforNBCforfifteenyearsandhadmountainsofuntouchedvacationdays,becauseworkroutinelykeptmefromtakingthemall.Buthumanresourceswasadamant.Myrecordshadtoreflectwhathadhappened.IfIgotsickagainandmissedmanymoredays,theysaid,I’dregretnothavingdulynotedtheillnessinthebooksandhadtheproperaccountscharged.

Ihadtobemarkeddisabled.

Thepaperworkwasannoying.Themessagewasworse.Forthefirsttime,myillnesswasn’tacrisisonlywithinmycircleofcolleaguesandfamily.ItwasanNBCthing,amatterofcorporaterecord.Somewhereinsomedatabase,aboxwasbeingchecked.

Disabled:Licht

Thealwayshealthy,perpetuallyenergetic,no-setbacksemployeewasgettingablemish.Andaren’tpeoplewhoareondisabilitysimplygamingthesystem?Isn’tthatwhatpeoplewouldthink?

Afewdayslater,athickpacketarrivedwithformsandexplanationsaboutCOBRAandwhowaspayingmysalary,NBCorthestateofNewYork.Itmightseemimplausible,butthatpacketandallthestuffaboutdisabilitypushedmethroughapsychologicalbarrierandintoaconfrontationatlastwiththemeaningofwhatIwasgoingthrough.

Before,inthehospital,Ihadbeeninattackformation,participatinginthehunt

tofindthesourceofmyproblemandguardingagainstitssideeffects.Wehadimmediategoals,suchaspassingwhateverthetestsofthedaywere,andwehadalong-rangeone,gettingoutofthereandgoinghome.Visitorsdescendeddaily.Doctorscamedaily.Mealsandmedicinewerebrought.TheICUisatwenty-four-hourplace,neverclosed.Iwasoccupiedanddiverted.

Upondischarge,thisbustlehadleftmylife.Eachdaynowwasfairlyuneventful.Usually,itwasmywifeandsonandIinthequietofourapartment,andIhadinstructionstodonothingbutrelaxasweawaitedonemoretriptoWashingtonforathirdcerebralangiogram,whichwouldeitherfindnothingandIcouldgetmoreseriousaboutreturningtowork,orfindananeurysm,whichwoulddelaymeevenmoreastheyrepaireditandIrecovered.

Ihadtimetothink,inotherwords.That’swhatthedisabilitye-mailandthehealthpackettriggered.Thinking.Andnotofthegoodkind.

Bynow,IhadmoredataabouttheseverityofaneurysmsthanIhadinthehospital.OnereasonwassomeonenamedBretMichaels,anactor,director,andmostfamouslyasingerwiththeheavy-metalbandPoison.Afewdaysbeforemyevent,hehadsufferedexactlywhatIhad,amassiveheadachefollowedbyadiagnosisofsubarachnoidhemorrhaging.Ihadbeenreadingstoriesabouthishospitalization,andthereweremany,becauseMichaelsisalotmorefamousthantheexecutiveproducerofMJ.

Sprawledonthecouchorlyinginbedduringthesedays,IbegantogetupsetatthemysteriousthinginmyheadthatwasnowrenderingmethedisabledguyonanNBCform.Iwentoverandoverthepastcoupleofweeks.Dadhadwarnedthataftergettinghome,Imightgetdepressed.Thiswasn’tthat.Thiswasanger.Itriedtocalmmyselfbysayingitcouldhavebeenalotworse.Afterall,Ihadonlywoundupwithheadaches,nothandicaps.

Thatcheerytackdidnogood.Ithadtheoppositeeffect.

Wait.Thiscouldhavebeenalotworse.Thisfuckingthingcouldhavetakenmeout.

Igotmadderstillatmyhead’sdefectionfromitsnormalstate.Forme,angerisnotsomethingtobeenduredpassively,buttoactupon.Itscausemustbeconfronted.Blamemustbeapportioned.Theremustbeanoutcome.

Whoorwhatwasresponsibleformynear-deathexperience?

WherecanIunloadthisanger,soIcanfeelbetter?

Ihadbeentoldaneurysmsmoreorlesshappen.Ifyousmokeorusedrugs,yourriskisgreater,orifyouhavehighbloodpressure,orifseveralpeopleinyourfamilyhavehadone.Butnoneofthatappliedtome.

DidIbecomesick,then,becauseofmylifestylechoices,likelivinginNewYorkorenjoyingaglassofwinewithdinner?Wasmyhomenexttoalandfillorbeneathutilitylinesandmybodyhadbeenpoisonedorzapped,leadingtoabulgingartery?DidIconsumemassivelycaloricmeals?Drivefastcars?Indulgeincocaine?

No,noneofthat.Iwasinnocent.

WereMomandDadtoblameforpassingdownaneurysmDNA?

No,theyhadn’t.

Wasitthejob,thetelevisionindustry,thatdidthis?

Lotsofpeopleassumestresswasinvolved.ButDr.Deshmukhhadtoldmestressdoesnotcausearteriestoinflateintoaneurysms.

NothingIhaddonecausedthisflawinmybrain.Nobodyhaddoneanythingtome.Minewastheworstkindofanger.Itcamewithoutareleasevalve.

Mythinkingspiraled.

ItwasaJimmyStewartsortofspiral,asinIt’saWonderfulLife,whichisacornyanalogy,butIdidbegintoimaginewhattheworldwouldhavebeenlikewithoutme.

Ihadalwaysenvisionedacertainwomanwithcertaincharacteristicscomingintomylifeandthenshehad,andhernamewasJenny.WeweregoingtohaveaNormanRockwellsamplerofkids,sports,andfamilygatherings.AndrewandIwouldplaycatch.AndrewandIwoulddohishomework.Hewouldgetmarried.JennyandIwouldflowgentlyintooldage.

Mybrainbleednearlysnuffedthat.

IimaginedJennyasasinglemom.Sheenjoysherjob,butsheprefersbeingathome.IfIhaddied,shewouldhavehadnochoicebuttocontinueworkingtosupportherselfandAndrew.ShewouldhavegivenbirthtoBabyLichtTwo,achildIwouldneverhaveseen,andshewouldhavebecomeasinglemomwithtwicetheparentalresponsibility.

IimaginedhowitwouldhavebeenforAndrewifIhaddiedinthehospital.Hewouldhavebeenathisaunt’shouseinBostonandtheywouldhavedrivenhimbacktoNewYork,wherehewouldhavefoundonlyJennyinourapartmentfromthatdayon,andhewouldn’tunderstandwhyDaddywasgoneforgood.Iwouldn’thavebeentheretowitnessthemake-your-heart-melttrickhehasperfectedoflate.InveteranManhattanitestyle,hethrowshistwo-year-oldarmskywardandyells,“Taxi!”

AtVanityFair’spartyfollowingtheWhiteHouseCorrespondents’Associationdinnerin2009,IhadalongconversationwithafellowSyracusegraduate,TayeDiggs,theBroadwayandscreenactorwhoismarriedtoactressIdinaMenzel.TayeandIdinawereafewmonthsawayfrombeingparentsforthefirsttimeandTayeaskedthatnightwhatfatherhoodwaslike,becauseAndrewhadbeenbornafewmonthsearlier.Myanswerwasunoriginal.Thatmadeitnolessfelt.

Iwouldkillformyson,ItoldTaye.Iwouldneverhavekilledanybodybefore,butifsomeonethreatenedmysonnow,Iwoulddoit.Inthefirstminutesafterhisbirth,theyhadhandedAndrewtome,andastheytendedtoJenny,ithadbeenhimandmealoneinanotherroom.Ihadmadeapromise.

“Iwillneverletanythinghappentoyou.”

Thebrainbleednearlymademealiar.Iwouldn’thavebeentheretowardoffthebadthingsmenacinghim.Mydadhadbeenthereformeinthehospital,butIalmostwasn’tthereforAndrew.

Asthesethoughtsswirled,myfutureasanexecutiveproducernevercameup.Ididnotthinkabouthowmycareerasaplayermighthavebeenburiedwithme.It’struethatinthehospitalIhadconcernsaboutgettingbacktoworkandwhetherWillie’sstatementwouldmakemeseemfragile.Butnow,athome,onlyJennyandAndrewandBLTmattered.TheywerewhatIhadalmostlost,notNBC.

Theproducerinmewantedtofindsomeonetoreprimand,oranactiontotake,inresponsetomybleed.Butmyeffortswentnowhere.Inretrospect,Iwonderiftheangerwassimplyawaytomaskadeepsadness.

Ididnotthrowthings.Ididnotyell.Thecontemplationofthetrueseriousnessofmyillnesshadnoexteriormanifestations.Isoughtnoprofessionalhelp.Itoldnooneaboutanyofthis,notevenJenny,becauseI’mthefamily’sprotectoranddidnotwishtoseemweakinhereyes.Isolvethefamily’sproblems.Idon’tbecomeone.JennywasalreadymissingworkformeandalreadyservingasanurseandIdidnotwanttoturnherintoashrink,holdingthehandofawimpofahusband.

Butsheknew.

chapterfourteen

AWalkandaLunchMikeBarnicleisbothaclassyguyandaregularone.Hehasabigheartandabigpaletteofpassions,includingpolitics,baseball,andBoston,wherehelives.AsI’vesaid,hewasbornandraisedinnewspapers.Hedoesn’thavemuchuseforjournalistswhositinofficesanddoGooglesearchesandcallthisreporting,insteadofwalkingneighborhoodsandmeetingactualhumansandtalkingwiththem.HeisamanofrichanddiverseconnectionswhomIadmiregreatly.

WhenMikecomestoNewYorktodoMJ,whichisoften,NBCputshimupatahotelnearCentralPark,andhetriestotakeadailywalkofnearlyfivemilesaroundit.OnedaynotlongafterIgothomefromthehospital,perhapsthedaythedisabilitypacketarrivedfromNBC,heaskedmetojoinhimforoneofhisstrolls.Iwasalongwayfromrobust,butIdecidedtohobblealongatleastpartway,andthedaywasgorgeousandtheparkwasinMaybloom.

AsweambledfrommybuildingonCentralParkWestanddownthesidewalks,Mikechatteredaboutdelightfullyinsignificantthings.This,that,hisbrokenBlackBerry,andhowhewasgettingitfixed.Hedidn’tknowmymentalstateandIdidn’ttellhim.Nomatter.Ilikedhiscompanyandlikedbeingout,becauseIhardlyhadbeenoutatall.Mystrengthdidn’tlastlong,andaswereachedthepointwhereSeventy-secondStreetmeetstheparkandpreparedtopart,heturnedtome.

“Youreallyhavetoappreciatehowluckyyouare,”hesaid.“You’reabletoseehowlovedyouarewithouthavingtodie.”

Hesensedhiswordsdidn’tregisterasmuchashehadhoped.Hegentlynudgedmeagain:Youhavegreatsupport,Chris.You’reluckytoknowthat.

MikehadvisitedmeatthehospitalinWashington,andhadsuggestedthenthatperhapsmyhemorrhagewasn’tanall-badevent,becauseitwouldreordermyprioritiesabit.HereallythoughtIwastoointenseaboutwork.Withorwithout

me,hehadsaidatGW,therewasgoingtobetelevision.TherewasgoingtobeaMorningJoe.ButtherewasonlyonemeandIneededtotakecareofmyself.Heurgedmetorevelinmygoodfortune.Whatifmybleedhadhappenedwhentheshowwasinstill-batteredNewOrleansafewweeksearlier,insteadofinWashington,mereminutesfromoneofthegreatneurologicaldepartmentsinthecountry?

AtthecornerofSeventy-second,Mikedidn’tturnallthisintoalecture.Hespokebutafewwordsandwasdone.

“I’llseeyoulater,”hesaid,andwalkedoffwithhisnewspaper.

MikehadbeenaveryclosefriendofTimRussert,NBC’sWashingtonbureauchiefwhohaddiedtwoyearsbefore.IhadbeenmovedthenbyhowhehadhelpedtheRussertfamilygetthroughhisdeath,andrememberhowPeggyNoonan,aWallStreetJournalcolumnist,hadwrittenthatthestandardbywhicheachofusshouldbemeasurediswhetherwewindupasbelovedasRusserthadbeen.

Mikehadapoint.Peoplehadbeenwonderfulduringmycrisis.Ihadn’texpectedit.AndIhadbeenlucky,indeed.Ourwalkinthepark,comingduringmydaysofsilentangeraboutnearlydyingandhavingnoonetopunish,mademethinktherewas,afterall,somegoodhere,theloveofotherpeople,nottheleastofthemMike.

Threedaysorsoafterthewalk,ImetJoeforbrunch,thefirsttimeIhadseenhimsinceWashington.E-mailhadbeenanokaywayforustostayintouchifthetopicwasmyhealth,butnotifitwaswork.IfIpassedmythirdcerebralangiograminafewdays,Iwouldbeonaglidepathback,andthatmeantIneededtoknowindepthwhathadbeenhappeningat30Rockandwhathewasthinking.

AsweateatarestaurantinNewYorkcalledP.J.Clarke’s,JoementionedthatMikahadscoldedhimforusingonlye-mailsandnotphonecallstostayintouchwithmeathome.

No,Isaid,youre-mailswereperfect.

Throughout,heandMikahadshownsomuchconcern,makingmefeelsomuchbetter.Therewasnomoreappropriatemomenttotellhim,evenifsuchanaked

expressionofgratitudemightmakeaveryprivatemanuncomfortable.

Nomatterwhathappens,ItoldJoe,evenifwehavefights,evenifmycontractisnotrenewedandIleaveMJforsomereason,“Iwillneverforgetwhatyoudidforme.”

Igotteary.

“Iwillneverforget,”Isaidagain.

HesuggestedIshouldn’thavebeensosurprised.

“OfcourseIloveyou,”hesaid.

WhichInowknewbeyonddoubt.

OnFriday,May21,stillfeelingangrybutperhapsnotquiteasmuchaftertalkingwithMikeandJoe,ItookthetraintoWashington,lookingtoputaperiodattheendofasentence.Jennycame,too,ofcourse.IcouldhavehadthisthirdangiogramdonebysomeoneinNewYork,butItrustedDr.Deshmukhandthehospital,andnootherinstitutioncouldpossiblyhavetreatedusaswell.

Onceagain,Iwastakentotheangiogramsuiteandacatheterwentintomylegandallthewaythroughme,andthepeeringatmonitorsbegan.Onceagain,Jennywaited.

Shewasverynervous.Ifananeurysmwasfound,afterhavingeludedDr.Deshmukhformorethanthreeweeks,Iwouldbedevastated,shefeared,demoralized.Itwouldn’tmeandeathoraninabilitytospeakoranythinglikethat,butitwouldmeanmoredoctorsandtests,moreinvasionofmeinanefforttoeliminatethenow-foundaneurysm,morehospitaltime,perhapsdaysofrecovery,pushingnormalcyfurtheraway.

Butifmyarterieswerecleanforathirdtime,allthestatisticssuggestedmybrainwouldnotrearupagain,thatmyeventhadbeenarogue.Itmighthavebeenmerelyaveinthatleaked,notanartery.Beingunderlesspressure,veinsarelesstroublesomeiftheybleed.Oritmighthavebeenananeurysmsoverytinyitwassimplynotvisible,thatithadbledandsealeditselfcompletelyandwasnotacandidateforfuturebleeding.

Thetestfinished.Dr.Deshmukhlookedatme.

Mybrainwasfine.Nomoretestswerenecessary.Nomorecuttingintomyleg.Nomoredoctors.

Gotoworkifyouwish,Dr.Deshmukhsaid.

Iwished.

“Youcanconsiderthiseventbehindyou,”hesaid.

Well,inaphysicalsenseIcould.

chapterfifteen

BackTwenty-sixdaysaftermybrainpopped,IwalkeddownthestairsofasubwayentrancenearmyapartmentandjoinedtheMonday-morningcrushonasouthboundtrain,emergingafewminuteslateratRockefellerCenter.

Idon’tusuallyridethesubwayto30Rock,notbecauseIshunthemasses,butbecauseMorningJoebeginssoearlyNBCsendsacartomakesureIgetthere.ComingoutofthesubwayfloodedmewithsensationsIhadn’tfeltinamonth.Thousandsofworkerspoundedtowardtheiroffices,sidesteppingoneanotheronthesidewalks,buzzingonphones,noshingbagels,liningthelowmarblewallsoftheplazasonSixthAvenuetoreadforafewminuteswiththeircoffees.

Thecacophonyandenergyweresoothing.Iwasbackamongtheliving,feelingthepulseofthecity.Iboughtacoffee,too.

OnthisfirstpossibledayIcouldreturnafterDeshmukh’sgreenlight,May24,Iwaseasingback.Iwasn’trunningtheday’sMJ,whichwasnearlyfinishedbythetimeIgotthere.Butfordaysnow,myeagernesstorejointheteamhadgrownasmyheadachefaded,evenifIwasstillsecretlyfencingwithbiggerissues.

Jennydidn’tquiteunderstandwhyIwasgoingbackrightthen.Nobodywaspressuringme,orher,sosheassumedwewouldhaveweeksoffamilytime,atleastmorethanthefewwehadhad.Butwehadn’tbeendoingmuch.Bygoingbacktowork,Iwasn’tabandoningidyllicdaysofmuseumtoursandleisurelylunches;Ihadn’tbeenupforthingslikethat.AtleastbygettingoffthecouchandgoingbacktoworkIwouldbeproductive.ImissedControlRoom3A.Iwasn’tgoingbackasaheroicstatementofawesomededicationtotheNationalBroadcastingCompany.TelevisioniswhatIlove.Thejobwasneveralabor,andthesoonerIwentbackthegreatermymoralewouldbeandthehealthierIwouldfeel.

Besides,evenifIhadwaitedweeksmoretoreturn,JennyknewtherewasneverachanceIwasgoingtoquitoutrightaftermyillnessandturntowardalifeofmonasticchantingorbuyacozyplaceaboveSanDiegoandtendllamasandsupportthelegalizationofmarijuana.“Hewouldbemiserable,”shesays.

Thatfirstmorning,Isat,notintheexecutiveproducer’schair,butoneseatoverasPeteBreen,whohadbeenrunningtheshowduringthepastweeks,tooktheteamthroughthefinalminutes.Duringacommercial,theyturnedonthe3Acamera,soMikaandJoeandeverybodyonthesetcouldseethatalthoughElvishadleftthebuildinginApril,hewasbacknow,wholeandalert.

Therewasamountainofmailonmydesk.Aftertheshow,Istartedsiftingit,enjoyingtheleisurelyroutineofit.MyBlackBerryhadonlyoneappointment,lunchwithPhilGriffin.Ihadbeenhopingtocomebackbelowradar,butwordsoonspreadbeyondtheMJfamilyandintotherestofthebuilding,becausejournalistscanneverkeepanynewstothemselves.

Ofcourse,everybodywantedtohearthestory.

Whatdiditfeellike,Chris?Wherewereyouwhenthepainstarted?Wereyouscared?AndJennywaspregnantduringthis?Bidenwasinvolved?

Ilovetellingthestorybecauseitisquiteastory,andI’mawarethatthecontrastbetweenwhatIhadbeen—healthyandyoung—andwhathappenedtomeleadsalmosteveryonetoponderthepossibilityofrandomdeath.Iambothacautionarytaleandalotterywinner,andfascinatingeitherway.

QuiteafewpeopletreatedmeasgingerlyasaWedgwoodplate.TheMJfamilyknewIhadn’tsufferedanyneurologicaltics.ButothersknewonlywhattherumormillhadchurneduporwhatWilliehadsaidontheair,andnotknowingmuchaboutaneurysms,assumedIwasnowachildtobespokentoslowlyandloudly.

“Helllooooo,Chris.Howarrrreyou?”

SomeseemedsurprisedIwasvertical.Theyhadneverexpectedtoseemealiveandintactagain.Theywouldtellmetotakeiteasy,asifwithouttheirwisecounselIwouldbeponderinganIronMancompetition.IfIwasstillattheofficeinmidafternooninthosefirstfewdays,theywouldaskwhyIstillwas.IbegantothinktheywereworriedIwouldstartbleedingagainrightinfrontofthem,

andtheywouldbeblamedasmyfacehitthetileinaspectaculardiveofdeath.

Stillothersthoughtmyintensitywasthecauseofmynearmiss.Chrisisvolcanic,see,andhisbrainexploded.Hepaidtheprice.Bequietaroundhim.

Noneofthismadememad,oratleastanymadderthanIalreadywasaboutwhatthebrainbleedhadnearlydone.Ididn’tsayanythingtopeopleabouttheirassumptionsortheirclumsyadvice.Itwasn’tworthgettingupsetover.Intime,peopleinthebuildingwouldseemyskillswerestillthere,mydecisionmakingsound,andmaybeevenfindoutthataneurysmsdonotgrowinsidethebrainbecauseyouhappentobetypeA.

Thatfirstday,PhilGriffintookmetolunchatasushiplace.ThepresidentofMSNBChadbeenshakenbymyillnessinawaythathadnothingtodowithanyproblemsmyabsencecreatedorthreatenedtocreateforoneofthenetwork’sbestshows.Itmadehimfeelvulnerable,asitprobablymakeseveryonefeel.Heneveraskedinsomanywordsatlunch,butIsensedhewascurioushowIsawtheworldnow,notasanexecutiveproducer,butasaperson.HowwasIdifferent?

Myanswerwasaplugformyself,whichmighthavebeensmarmybutitdoesshowthatthebrainbleedhaskillednoneofmydesiretobeaplayer.Infact,itheightenedit,asInowtoldPhil.

Biggerthings.Iwanttodobiggerthings,Itoldhim.

Themessagewasn’tthatIwasitchingtoleaveMJ.Hardly.ImerelywantedPhiltoknowthatnotonlyhadillnessnotfinishedme,Ihopedtobeevenmoreofaplayeratthenetwork,haveabiggerrole.

Inmybusiness,youngtalentisoftentoldsomethinglikethis:Waityourturn.Don’ttrytogetitallatonce.Don’toverreach.Putyourheaddown,work,goodthingswillcometoyou.Bepatient.

Butwhatifyoudon’thaveunlimitedtimetowaitasthelineslowlymovesandyouinchtowardthefront?Whatifyoucarefullymapafive-yearplanbutdon’tgetfiveyears,becauseananeurysmgetsyouinthree?Mybrainbleedwasanofficialpublicnoticethatnoonecancountonhavingthetimetheyexpect.Ifyou’rereadyandcapable,reachforthenextlevelofwhateveryoudo.Ifsomethinglooksappealingandchallenging,haveago.Otherwise,it’sapretty

averagelife.

Ihaven’twanderedsofarintotherealmofclichéthatInowhaveabucketlist—winIditarod,excavateMayanruins,stompgrapes—butI’mfarmoreopentospontaneity.Yousometimeshearthatillnessisawayoftellingthevictimtoslowdown.That’snotthemessagemyillnesssentme.Minesaid,“Getmoving.”

Attheendofthatfirst,low-keydayback,Iwenthomeandcrashed.IwassurprisedbyhowexhaustedIfelt.ButbyTuesday,June1,itwasmeintheEP’schairasMorningJoebegan.Therewasnowaymyreturnwouldpasswithoutformalrecognitionontheair.Iknewtheywouldinflictsomethinguponme,butfiguredMikaandJoewoulddonomorethanaskthatthecontrol-roomcamerabeturnedonsotheaudiencewouldknowIwasbackandIcouldwave.Oh,theydidmuchworse.

Withouttellingme,theyhadlinedupDr.Deshmukhasaguest,aswellasthechiefoperatingofficerofthehospital,KimberlyRusso.TheyorderedmetocomeoutofControlRoom3A,marchdownthehall,andsitwiththemontheset,ontheair,nomakeup,noprep.Ifyouseethevideo,Ilookuncomfortable,becausethereisalwaysariskthatthiskindofthingcomesacrossasself-indulgent.AtleastIknewwhichcamerastolookat.

“Awwwww,he’sback,”Mikasaid,“andI’msogladforsomanyreasons.Doyourememberthatmorning?”

“Yup,”Joesaid.

“Yeah,Ido,too,”shesaid,slightlymiffed.

Joerealizedshewasmakingajoke.

“Oh,isthistheblameJoething?IsthistheblameJoething?”

Theywerereferringtohow,onthatdayinWashington,Joehadgottenirritatedatmyinabilitytogethimthecameraanglehewanted,andminuteslaterIhadcommencedabrainbleed,asifhisirritationandmyeventwerecauseandeffect,eventhoughtheyweren’t.

Explainwhatthebleedwaslike,Mikasaidtome.

“Tosayitwastheworstheadacheofmylifedoesn’treallydescribeit,”Isaid,“becauseitwaslikenothingIeverfeltbefore.”

“Youlookedhorrible,”Mikasaid.

“Thankyou,”Isaid.

Dr.DeshmukhtoldtheaudienceIwasinthatmysteriousclassofcasesforwhichnocauseforthebleedingisfound.Butmyprognosiswasgood,hesaid.

Asidefromwhattheyhaddoneformeonthatfirstfrighteningday,thesegmentwasthebestgiftMikaandJoecouldhavegiven,becauseitshowedIwasfineineverywayanditmademefeelsonormaltobebackandteasingwiththem.Abloggerwrote:LichtLooksMah-ve-lousinMorningJoeReturn.Somee-mailerskiddedthatbecauseMikaandJoeweretalkingwiththebigguest,theshowhadblownrightthroughitsscheduledbreakatthetopofthehour,whichwouldnothavehappenedifIwerewhereIbelonged,inthecontrolroom.Ievengotawelcomebacke-mailfromtheWestWingoftheWhiteHouse.

Yes,Iwasback.

“I’mback,”Isaid.

That’snotthesameascured.

chaptersixteen

OntheDeckYearsago,myparentsboughtavacationhouseinCharlestown,RhodeIsland,aboutatenthofamilefromthebeach.YoucanseetheAtlanticOceanfromit.Inthesummer,MomandDadliketolendthehousetomeforaweekandtomysisterforone,sowecaneachbringourfamiliesinsolitudeandchillout,thoughinthepastIoftendidnotstayfortheentireweekbecauseworkgotintheway.

Now,sittingoutonthedeckofthehousesometimeduringthefirstdaysafterreturningto30Rock,IwaswatchingAndrewplay.IhadmylaptopoutandwasWeb-surfingtonopurposebutdiversion.MyheartfilledasIlookedatmyson.Herewasanentirelygoodthing,mylittlemanplaying,withnothingmoreonhisplatethanfun,overlookingtheoceanonalatespringday.ThegulfbetweenthesweetsceneandtheangerIhadbeentotingwasvast.

Familiesofcrimevictimsoftensaytheyhaveforgiventhecreepwhokilledtheirhusbandorteenagedaughter,becauseangercreatesnothinggood.Ihadalwayslaughedatthemonumentalabsurdityofthat.Angerisnotalwaysauselessemotion.Inthatsituation,myangerwouldhaveaworthytarget:thekiller.Itwouldhaveapoint,makingsurehefeelsthestingofjustice.

Butnocriminalsuspectcausedmyevent.Ihadgonedownthechecklistofpossibleculpritsandmyangeratnearlydyinghadnowheretogo.Itcouldneverbedirectedatanything,nomatterhowmuchIwishedotherwiseorhowlongIheldontoit.Iwouldonlybeabletositonthedeckandstaymad,andthengohometoNewYorkandstaymad,andthengotoworkandstaymad.IwouldroamlikeAhab,endlesslysearchingforsomeoneorsomethingtoblameforhavingbrushedwaytooclosetotheend.

Ikeptsittingthere,thinkinginthespringbreezes.

Or,ontheotherhand,Icouldacceptthefutilityofthis.AsImoreorlesshadtoldPhil,alife-threateningillnessaltershowyoulookatclocks.DidIwishto

useupmoreofmylife’slimitedminutesbeingfurious?OrstopthatandstartenjoyingAndrewandtherestofmydays?Thereisonlyonerationaloption,isn’tthere?Andso,asmysonplayed,IexercisedamentalmuscleIdidn’tknowIhadandtoldmyselfsomethingakintowhatIhadsaidinsidetheMRImachinethatfirstnightatthehospital.

Enough.Done.

Myeventhadbeenbrutalproofmylifecouldendbeforetoday’ssunsetsatthebeach,becausetheaneurysmcouldruptureagainandImightnotbeasfortunateagain.Iwasstillyoung,butthatwasnoguaranteethattomorrowwouldincludeme.IwouldnotexpendanymoretimestayingangryatsomethingIdidnotcause,thatnobodycausedandnobodycouldhavestopped.

Stillsittingonthedeck,Ikeptfollowingthisthreadofthought.

IfIcoulddothat,ifIcouldnolongerbemadatalmostdying,thenlogicallyhowcouldIgetmadatmuchlesserthingsthatmighthappentome,thethingsofdailylife?IfavideotapegotmessedupduringMJ,thatwouldnotbetheequivalentofhavingabrainbleed.Itwouldnotbeworthevisceratingsomeonewithane-mailaftertheshow.AndifothersthoughtImightnowbeapushoverofaproducer,Icouldn’thelpthat.Letthemthinksoandletthemtestmeiftheywish.ItwillbeobvioustothemsoonenoughIhaven’tlostanymovesinControlRoom3A,oranypassionfortheshow.I’llstillpushback.

IfJoeandMikagotmadbecausewehadalousyguestortheirtravelarrangementsfellapart,thatwouldn’tbeasseriousasthefairlypersonalsetbackofhavingnearlydied.It’sokayifthey’renottotallyhappyaboutsomethingontheshowornottotallyhappywithme.It’sokayifItakeadayofforuseallmyvacationtimeormakemoretimeformyfamily;Ishouldn’tworrywhatanyonewillthink.Besides,IknewnowMikaandJoewerehappyinacosmicsense.IntheemergencyroomofGeorgeWashingtonUniversityHospital,theyhadbeeninmytrench.Theyhadshownunconditionallovefornotjustacolleaguebutafriend.

Watchingmysonplay,IwasacceptingwhatIcouldn’tcontrol,whichistheultimateactofcontrol.Peoplesayallthetimeyoushould“letitgo,”whateveritis.Acomment,anirritation,badnewsofanysort.Iwasn’tusedtodoingthat.Iwasusedtocounterpunchinguntilthesituationwasreshapedtomysatisfaction.

Givingupillogicalangermightstillbegivingup,butIrealizedthatinthiscasethatmeantvictory.

Iforgavemybrain.

Ileftthedeckhappier.Throughoutmyillness,IhadworriedaboutwhereIwouldenduponthedamagedscale,butIhadneverreallyallowedforthepossibilityImightendupbetteroffinsomeways.Myepiphanyaboutlettinggooftheangeraboutwhathadhappenedmightseempat,tooneat,butclaritycandescendlikethat,undertherightconditions.Thesehadbeenperfect.Andrewwasthecatalyst,thoughhedidnotknowit.Hecouldn’tevenspellit.Butsimplybybeingthere,playingsosweetly,myboyhelpedhisdaddyputawaynotonlyabrainbleed,butalotofnonsense.

chapterseventeen

TheMeaningofTimeMyillnessstartednottoofarfromtheU.S.NavalObservatory.Itendedthere,too.

Forsometime,IhadbeenstrugglingwithhowtothankJoeBidenforwhathehaddoneduringmybrainbleed,fromtakingMika’scallinthosefirsthourstocallingDr.DeshmukhtocheeringupJennyandmebycellphone.Iwantedtowritehimaletter,asuitablyformalwaytoconveymygratitude.

ThevicepresidentwashavingalawnpartyforjournalistsattheObservatory,hisofficialresidenceinWashington,andJoe,Mika,andIwereinvited.Ie-mailedBiden’spressofficetoaskifitwouldbeappropriatetohandhimtheletterIhadinmindandwastolditwouldbe.ButIcouldn’tfinishthething,notthewayIwanted.Allmyattemptscameouttoosaccharine,wayover-the-top.

Justtellhim,Jennysaid.

JoeandMika,itturnedout,couldn’tattendthepartybutIstillwantedtogo.SoonSaturday,June5,JennyandIstoodinareceivinglineatthevicepresident’shouse.OneofBiden’sstaffersrecognizedme,perhapsbecausehehadseenmeontelevision.Thenitwasourturntobeintroducedtothismanwhohadleapedintomycrisis.

Forabriefsecond,IcouldtellBidencouldn’tplacemyname.

“Yousavedmylife,”Isaid.

Andfromthedatabanksofthethousandsofpeopleheknowsandalltheeventshehasbeenapartof,herememberedandgreetedmeasifwehadsharedmybrainbleed.Herememberedeverything.Theusualthirty-secondphotoopportunitygavewaytofiveminutesofreminiscingasthelinebackedup.

“Ican’tthankyouenough,”Isaid.

Hehuggedme.HehuggedJenny.Hesaidhehadbeensoworried.Heisagreatandkindperson,andthephototakenthatdayofJennyandmebeingembracedbythevicepresidentoftheUnitedStateswillliveoninourfamilyforever.MychildrenwillbeabletotelltheirfriendsthatintheworstmomentofDaddy’slife,abusypublicofficialputasidetheimportantthingshewasdoingtohelp.

Amongmyfamilyandcolleagues,therearedoubtsthatthisnearlydyingbusinesshaschangedmeallthatmuchorwill.Momisamongthem.Dad,too.Takemorevacationdays?Theydon’tbelieveit.Workstillloomstoolarge,theysay.TheypredictI’llbeenjoyingaweekattheRhodeIslandhouseandJoewillcallandI’llbegone,offonsomemission.

EvenJennysaysIhaven’tchangedasmuchassheexpectedorhoped.ShethoughtIwouldfeelIhadbeengrantedthatclassicsecondchanceatlifeandwouldparethehoursworkedonweekendsandinflatefamilytime.

Iam,though,gettingthere.Watch,Mom.I’lltakeallmyvacation.Iknownowhowimportantitistomakemorementalspaceforfamily.IknownowIshouldn’thavebeenonthephoneastheytookAndrewforhiscircumcision,becausewhateverIwasdiscussingcouldn’thavebeensignificant.IknowIshouldn’thavegonebacktoworkrightafterhewasborn,orskippedmyfriend’sweddingbecauseitwasSweepsWeek.Iknowyoucan’tgive100percenttowork,becausethere’snopercentageleftforanythingelse.

Fewofuscanpivotonadime.JustbecauseIhadamomentofclarityonthedeckabouthowfutileandwastefulitcanbetogetangrydoesn’tmeanIneverwill.I’llhavetotrainmyself,remindmyself,todistinguishthemomentsworthyofangerfromthosethatarenot.I’msureI’llfailnowandthen.Re-jiggeringmybehaviorandattitudesisaprojectthatwilltaketherestofmylife.

ButinmanysmallwaysI’malreadyadifferentman.Whenmyangerwasgreatestaboutwhatmybrainbleednearlytookfromme,Ididn’tthinkofNBC.IthoughtofJennyandAndrew.Andwhen,onDecember7,BLTenteredtheworldasRyanChristopherLicht,ItookmyfullpaternityleavefromMorningJoe,perhapsasmallstepforyoubutabigoneforme.

Thesedays,IcallhomemorethanIusedto,justtoseehowJennyis.Iwouldn’thavethoughtitpossibletothinkanymorehighlyofherthanIdid,butIdo.Maybeevenshedidn’trealizewhatasteelcoreshehas.Pregnant,jugglingajob

offer,givenatothertimestohighflyingemotion,sheputeverythingasideandwentmoreMikathanMikatomakesureIcameoutallright.

DadandIarevastlycloser.ItwasalwayseasiertoreadMom,who’soutgoingbynature.Dadwaslessdemonstrative.Buttoseehiminthehospitaltalkingwithmydoctorsandmonitoringthefineprintofmycare,IrealizedIhadtheperfect,medicallyskilled,lovingpatientadvocate.Hewasdeeplyshakenbywhathappenedtome.Before,we’dtalkonceinawhile.Now,allthetime.

Atwork,I’venoticedthatwhensomeoneasksmeaquestionorpresentsanissuefordecision,Idon’tanswerasquicklyanddismissivelyasIusedto.Asecondortwoticksby.Iconsiderthequestion.Iconsiderthem.Ithinkitthrowspeopleoff,thoughI’mnottryingtodothat.Maybeit’sbecause,aftertheirincrediblee-mailsandcardsandphonecallsduringmyillness,mycolleaguesaremorerealtomenow.MaybeIhavelesstunnelvisionabouttheworldinwhichIwalkeveryday.Igiveverbalhugsmorethanever.AtthepostmortemsaftereveryMorningJoe,IsaylessandletmyleadershipteamsaymorebecauseIdon’tneedtohavemyfingerineverypieallthetime.

True,Mr.BlackBerryandIareasentwinedasever.Whatmightbehardtograspisthatalife-threateningillnessdidn’tmakemecareaboutMorningJoeanyless.Quitetheopposite.It’smorefun.IcangotoControlRoom3Aknowingthereareworsethingsthanwhetherpeoplegetmadatme,worsethingsthanwhethersomeonedoesn’tpushamicrophonebuttonontime,andmoreimportantthingsthanwhetherI’mbeingincludedineverythingJoeandMikaaredoing.

Joehasanexpression:“Scaredmoneyneverwins.”Itmeans,simply,playwithconfidence.Believeinyourself.Mydecisionscomeeasiernowandthey’reclearer.Optionsareweighedontheirmeritswithoutcalculatingthepolitics.Idon’tpickfightsanymore,whichdoesn’tmeanIrunfromthem.ButIdon’tseekoutconflicttoproveI’mTheMan.

Ontheairtheotherday,Joewastweakingthen-GovernorTimPawlentyofMinnesota,apotentialcandidatefortheRepublicanpresidentialnominationin2012,fornotcomingontheshowinawhile.ButPawlentyhadalreadyagreedtocomeontheshowtheverynextweek.Joedidn’tknowthat,nordidI,soIhadnoreasontogetinJoe’searandcorrecttheundeservedslamwhilewewerestilllive.

Welookedlikecheap-shotkings.ButIdidnotexcoriatethepersonwhoforgottotellusaboutPawlenty’sbooking.Backintheday,Iwouldhave.Iwouldhavepetulantlysoughttoruinherdayforruiningmine.Tonogoodend,ofcourse.

Inlatefall2010,thereoccurredasad,astoundingcoincidence.WhenIworkedatmyfirstjobinAllentown,awomannamedDeniseCramseywasoneoftheproducersatourcompany.Denisehad,infact,trainedme.ButIhadlargelylosttrackofheruntilwebumpedintoeachotherataparty,whenMorningJoevisitedLosAngelesafewmonthsaftermybrainbleed.

Likeme,Denisehadgoneontodomuchbiggerthingsintelevision,receivingmultipleEmmynominationsandwinningtwice.AtthepartyinL.A.,shehadracedacrosstheroomtogivemeawarmgreeting,abighugandhercard,andwhenIgotbacktoNewYork,shewasoneoftheoldacquaintancesIhadmadeapointoffindingtimetoe-mail,tosayweneededtogettogetheragain.Shewasforty-one,acoupleofyearsolderthanme.She,too,wasagraduateofSyracuse.

TwodaysbeforeThanksgiving,Denisecollapsedanddiedofabrainaneurysm.

RarelyhaveIfeltsuchchills.HerdeathtransportedmerightbacktoApril,andhowcloseI’dcomeindeed.

WhenIgetaheadtwingenow,there’salwaysamicrosecondofwonderaboutwhetherit’sallhappeningagain.Itpassesquickly,andIrealizethisisanormalheadache,thekindweallget.Iwillprobablyalwayswonderwheneverthathappens.Thereareotherremindersofmybleed,too.Oneday,NBCsentabenefitformtoexecutives.Onesectiontoldustocheckaboxifwehadbeenabsentfromworkformorethanfivedaysinarowinthelastyear.

Ichecked.

Ifyou’vechecked,itsaid,explain.

“Subarachnoidhemorrhage.”

Neverhadtoconfesssuchaflaw,ever.ButIdon’t,andwon’t,fearasecondevent.Suchworryabouttheunknowableispointless.

OnthatdayinApril,atthemomentDr.MayersaksaidtheCATscanhadfoundblood,Iknewmylifewouldbedifferent,butIneverimagineditwouldbecome

whatithas.Ihopeyouneverhearadoctorsayanythingasfrighteningtoyouoranyoneyoulove.ButIamsomuchsmarternow.Iamsomuchmoreconfident.Ifeelatpeace.Aholeinmyheadwoundupcuttingtheknotinmystomach.Isn’tthatbizarre,tocomesoclosetoleavingthepremisesandwindupnewandimproved?

Butit’ssimple,really.Whatcanthey,anybody,dotome?Nothingcanbeworsethanwhatnearlyhappened.Beingfiredwasalwaysmygreatestfear,becauseIlovedMorningJoeandwantedtoremainapartofit.Now,iftheybootmeout,IwillfindanotherjobintelevisionsomewhereandI’llbeokay,becauseI’llbealive.AndintheunlikelyeventIcan’tgetajobinthebusiness,thatwillbeokay,too,forthesamereason.Iwilltakemytwoboysandmybeautifulwifeandwe’llfigureoutsomething.Iwon’tcurlupinaballandmoanthatnobodywantsme.MaybeJenny,thechildren,andIwouldgorunaB&BinVermontafterall.

Ineverthoughtaboutdyingbeforeanyofthis.Theyoungrarelydo,especiallyiftheirbodieshaveneverbeenlessthanperfect.Ithinkaboutitnow,abouthowclosedeathisforallofus,abouthowIdodgeditandmyfriendDenisedidn’t,howIwasluckyandshewasn’t.

Butmythoughtsaboutdeatharenotmorbid.They’remoreuseful.Whathappenedtomewasanunsolicited,butinvaluable,reminderthatnoneofusgetstochoosehowmanydayswehave.Everybody’ssupplyislimited,somefarmorethanothers.Therearenohourstobewastedonangeratanillnessthatisnotyourfault.Therearenonetobewastedonanxietyaboutwhosayswhataboutyouorwhethertheylikeyou.Thesethingsarebeyondyourpowertoinfluence.Whatyoucancontrol,though,ishowyouusetheunknowableamountoftimeyouhave.Andifyouchoosenottoinvestintheuncontrollableandthetrivial,somethingwonderfulhappens.Youactuallywindupwithmoretime:moretoenjoyfamilyandfriendsandcolleagues,moretokeepyourselfsane,moretoappreciatesimplybeinghere.ItisalessonunderscoredeverytimeMorningJoegoestoWashington,becauseinevitablymydailyshuttlingaroundthecapitaltakesmerightpasttheentranceoftheGeorgeWashingtonemergencyroom.

OnChristmasEve2010,aswedoeveryyear,theLichtsiblingsandtheirfamiliesgatheredwithMomandDadatthehouseonthehillinConnecticutforabigdinnerfilledwithwineandlaughter.Itisatradition,keptinajournal,that

weselectthefamily’stopteneventsoftherapidlyclosingyear,thingslikebirthsandnewjobs.

WindingupastheEventoftheYearwasaquirkysortofhonor.ButIwasdamngladtobetheretoaccept.Itwastimewellspent.

chaptereighteen

SoZenOneSeptembermornaftermyreturn,PhilGriffinshotmeane-mailevenasMorningJoewasstillontheair.

Notgood,itsaid.

Philwaspissedaboutaconversationthathadjusttakenplaceduringtheshow,andhewantedtotalkaboutitwithmebecause,asexecutiveproducer,I’mresponsibleforwhatairs.Evenso,beingsummonedtothefrontofficetoexplainanon-airepisodeissorarethatIknewthise-mailwasabadomen.ItwassorarethatifIhadgottenonelikeitbeforemybrainpopped,IknowhowthehourspriortotalkingwithPhilwouldhavegone.

MyGod,amIintrouble?What’sgonnahappen?Howcouldthefolksonthesethaveputmeinthissituation?

DreadwouldhavechewedupmoreofmylimitedtimeonPlanetEarthincalculationsofpossiblerecriminations,noneofwhichIcoulddoanythingabout,whichwouldnothavestoppedtheangst.IwouldhavebeenfrozeninmyofficeuntilthephonecallortheaudiencewithPhil,atwhichtimeaheadmightrollanditwouldn’tbehis.

Here’swhatactuallyhappenedafterIreadPhil’ssummons.

Inane-mail,Iacknowledgedhisrequestforaconversation.Then,aftertheshowfinished,Iconductedtheusualstaffpostmortemofthesegmentsandguests.AndIdepositedtheimpendingsessionwithPhilintoabrandnew,what-happens-happensvault,toberetrievedonlywhenitwastimefortheconversation.

ThenJoecalled.HeknewPhilhadcontactedme.

Don’tfreakout,Joesaid.

HewasenvisioningaWoodstockofworrybyOldChris.

“Joe,”Isaid,“I’mreallynotfreakingout.Ihaveplanstoday.I’mnotgoingtostickaround.”

IfIwasinthebuildingwhenPhilwasreadyfortheconversation,I’dbethere.

“Youdon’tneedtocalmmedown,”Isaid.

NothavingtoreassurememeantJoeandMikahadonelessthingtoworryaboutduringthisflap,makingthingsbetterforall.

TheplansIhadmentionedtoJoeincludedadoctor’sappointment,andIwaswaitingintheexamroomthatafternoonwhenPhilfinallycalledforthebigchat.TheheadofhumanresourcesforNBCwasonthelinewithhim,whichisusuallyaleadingindicatorthatsomeone’sprofessionalhealthisabouttotakeaturn.

PhilaskedifIhadknownwhatwasgoingtohappenonthesetthatmorning.Ihadn’t,oratleastIhadn’tknownthediscussionwasgoingtogothewayitdid.

Whattheydidoutthere,Philsaid,couldgetyouinalotoftrouble.

Maybe.ButIwouldn’tdisownthemtocovermyself,becausetheyhadbeenwithmeintheemergencyroom.

IknewPhilwouldbewithinhisrightstosuspendme.Ifhedidandifmyconductbecameanissueinmycontractnegotiations,whichwerenotfardowntheroad,well,Icouldlivewiththat,becausewhatchoicedidIhave?ThatwaswhatIrealizedonthedeckwithAndrew,namely,thebeautyofknowingwhenyouhavethepowertochangesomethingandwhenyoudon’t.Ididn’twanttobesuspendedandIloveNBC,butyoucannotenjoyajob,youcannotdoitwell,ifyouarealwaysafraidoflosingit.AndIwasn’tanymore.

Intheend,mybossandfrienddidn’tsuspendme.ImighthavelostpointswithPhilbecauseofwhathappenedontheair,butmydayturnedoutexactlyasitwouldhaveifOldChrishadworriedthewholetime.Ihadsparedmyselfalotofhand-wringingandbeenmoreproductiveandemergedrightwhereIwouldhaveanyway.

Afewdayslater,IwassupposedtogotoLasVegas—forme,nottheshow.LasVegasisperhapsmyfavoritediversionandseveralfriendsandIhaveasortofannualguys’tripthere.Butthisyear,membersofthepossehadbeendroppingout.Then,atthelastminute,myfriendMarc,theonlyonebesidesmestillgoing,canceled.

Jennythoughtitwouldbekindofpathetictogoanyway.AgrownmanflyingtoVegasalonetoplaythetablesaloneandeatalone?Sad.ButtherewasnowayIwasnotgoing.Idonotputthingsoffthesedays,anotherlearnedlesson.

Icouldhavetoldmyselfthat,well,MarchasgivenmeanoutandIcancancelthetripandkeepworkingtomakeupallthosedaysImissedinthespringwhenIsothoughtlesslyallowedbloodtospillinmyhead.

Butthatscenariowasnotgoingtohappen.Iwasgoingtograbthedays.SoIsaidtome:Go.Go.Enjoy.

OnaFridaymorning,bymyself,IheadedtoJFKfora7:45flighttoLasVegas.Itwasrainingsohardtheexpresswayswereflooded,anddespitemyclearsuggestionofanalternateroute,thedriverdecidedheknewbest.Anddroveusstraightintoastandstill.Notonlywastrafficstoppedcold,itdidn’tmoveforthreehours.Threehours.Imissedmyflight.IbegantrollingtheairlinescheduleonmyBlackBerryforthenextone.Imissedthatone.MyshortvacationinVegaswasshrinkingbytheminute.Thiswasworsethanmissingaflightfortheshow.Thiswascuttingintomytime,pooltimeinthewarmsun.

ThisiswhereOldChristraditionallyrearshishead,blistersthecar’sdriverforwastinghoursandhoursofmyshortweekendgetaway,screamsattheairline,andyet,somehow,getsnoclosertotheairportforallthatemotion.Ididn’tdoanyofthat.Nowletmebeclear.Iwasn’thappy.ButIconsciouslyremindedmyselfnottooverreacttoasituationthathadnoremedy.

Rain?Ithappens.

Driverswhowon’tlistentoagoodsuggestion?Happens.

Brainbleeds?Them,too.

Fromthecar,IcalledMom,topassthetime.

“You’resoZen,”shesaid.

IgottoLasVegas.Itgetsbetter.AfterMarchadcanceledonme,IhadcalledChrisMarlin,thesamefriendwhoseweddingIskippedawhileback,andlobbiedhimheavilytojoinmeonthisjunketbecauseIwantedtimewithafriend.Hewastoobusy.Then,atthelastsecond,Chrischangedhismind,andnowhe,too,showedupinLasVegas,flyingallthewayfromtheEastCoasttoeatasingledinnerwithanoldfriend.

Whatagreatevening.

AcknowledgmentsTheideaforthisbookwasnotmine.Itwastheideaofmyfriend,andfrequentMorningJoeguest,JonMeacham.ItwasJonwhoinvitedmetolunchlastsummertotellmethatitwasimportantformetotellmystory.Heevencameupwiththetitleatthatlunch,knowingfullythatIdidn’tyethavetheanswertothequestion“WhatdidIlearnwhenIalmostdied?”Hestartedmeonthejourneytofindout,andIwillalwaysbegratefultohimforpushingmetodothebookandthefaithheshowedbybringingtheideatoSimon&Schuster.

SpeakingofSimon&Schuster,JonathanKarpandPriscillaPaintonhavebeenincrediblysupportivesincethemomentwemet.Everystepoftheprocess,they’venurturedthisbookasifitwastheirownstory.

ThisbookwouldnotexistwithoutthetirelessworkofmycollaboratoranddefactotherapistSteveTwomey.Themanyhourswespenttogetherhelpedmeabsorbnotonlyhowtheincidentaffectedmylife,butalsothelivesofthoseclosesttome.WhatyouhavejustreadistheresultofStevetakingthetimetointerviewmorethanadozenpeopleconnectedtothatday.HeisnotonlyameticulousPulitzerPrize–winningreporter,butalsoaskilledwriterwhocapturesmyemotionandvoiceperfectly.Heisalsonowafriend.

Iwouldalsoliketothankeveryonewhotooksomeoftheirvaluabletimetohelpmetellthisstory:PhilGriffin,MikeBarnicle,WillieGeist,andFarraUngarfromMSNBC,withaspecialthankstoCateCettaofMSNBC,forpatientlyjugglingsomanyphonecalls,e-mails,andappointmentsessentialtomakingthisbookhappen.FromGWUMedicalCenter:Dr.VivekDeshmukh,Dr.RyanneMayersak,JennKlemperer,MikeHite,andCarloAngeloCruz.(Iguessthiswouldbeasgoodatimeasanytoalsothankthemforsavingmylife.)Also,MarcCadin,LesleySookram,andJayCarney.Andofcoursemybestfriend,who’snevershyabouttellingmethetruthandwhomIbelieveisapsychiatristlargelybecauseofourfriendship,MarcNespoli.

Therearemanypeoplewhomadethisbookpossible,butnonemorethanJoeandMika.Theirsupportofthisprojectfromideatocompletionneverwavered.Whatwe’vebuiltprofessionallyandpersonallyisuniqueandsomethingIwill

alwayscherish.Theyaremuchmorethancolleagues.Theyarefriends.

Finally,myfamily.Whentheyou-know-whathitsthefan,thisistheteamyou’dwantinyourcorner.Mom,Dad,andStephanie:we’vecomeoutofthisexperiencecloserthanever.

Andmostofall,Jenny,whogavemetwobeautifulboys,AndrewandRyan,andprovedonceagain,Imarriedthegreatestwomanintheworld.Iloveyou.