The Wisden Cricketer

4 5

Spring 1896

E ngland’s finest cricketer W.G. held his hand up last

night and sensationally admit-ted: “I WAS inebriated to an unacceptable degree.”

The talismanic all-rounder was rapped by Cricket bosses after a late-night carousing ses-sion ended in near tragedy fol-lowing the unlawful piloting of a pedal-propelled pleasure craft.

Doctor Grace, who had been drinking claret all afternoon fol-lowing England’s humiliating defeat to Sudan A, refused to return to quarters at night and instead continued to imbibe in a native watering hole.

VApourSEncouraged by team-mates,

Doctor Grace quaffed seven

‘Mercury poisonings’, four jugs of ‘Matrimonial relations upon The Sands’ and nine large ‘Screaming Feminine Fits of The Vapours’.

Dis-GrACED“I’ve let myself down, I’ve let

Gloucestershire down, I’ve let the medical profession down,

and worst of all, I’ve let Her Majesty Queen Victoria down,” said the contrite sportsman.

Doctor Grace stole both a native canoe and a bicycle and succeeded in fashioning a primitive pedal-propelled vessel from their component parts.

It is a testament to Doc-tor Grace’s prodigious physi-cal strength that he was able to manoeuvre the ungodly

“I’ve let Her Majesty down”

W.G. Grace: My Pedalo

ShaMe

hybrid craft 60 miles out into the red Sea before being caught by the tide.

JoLLY roGErEDWhen rescued by the royal

Navy, W.G. was some way out into the Gulf of Aden and had successfully engaged a small pirate vessel, killing six and teaching the survivors the cor-rect method of hitting to leg.

Doctor Grace initially ex-

plained his erratic behaviour as being a result of malaria but subsequently confessed that he had been “disgracefully well-refreshed”.

The maritime escapades of their most senior player are merely the latest embarrass-ment on a tour that has seen England defeated by a variety of native sides, many of whom had to be taught the Laws of Cricket prior to matches.

Fig. 1 . The Nautical Velocipede: Doctor Grace Skilfully Navigates His Bastard Craft Through The Straits

The Wisden Cricketer

4 5

Spring 1896

E ngland’s finest cricketer W.G. held his hand up last

night and sensationally admit-ted: “I WAS inebriated to an unacceptable degree.”

The talismanic all-rounder was rapped by Cricket bosses after a late-night carousing ses-sion ended in near tragedy fol-lowing the unlawful piloting of a pedal-propelled pleasure craft.

Doctor Grace, who had been drinking claret all afternoon fol-lowing England’s humiliating defeat to Sudan A, refused to return to quarters at night and instead continued to imbibe in a native watering hole.

VApourSEncouraged by team-mates,

Doctor Grace quaffed seven

‘Mercury poisonings’, four jugs of ‘Matrimonial relations upon The Sands’ and nine large ‘Screaming Feminine Fits of The Vapours’.

Dis-GrACED“I’ve let myself down, I’ve let

Gloucestershire down, I’ve let the medical profession down,

and worst of all, I’ve let Her Majesty Queen Victoria down,” said the contrite sportsman.

Doctor Grace stole both a native canoe and a bicycle and succeeded in fashioning a primitive pedal-propelled vessel from their component parts.

It is a testament to Doc-tor Grace’s prodigious physi-cal strength that he was able to manoeuvre the ungodly

“I’ve let Her Majesty down”

W.G. Grace: My Pedalo

ShaMe

hybrid craft 60 miles out into the red Sea before being caught by the tide.

JoLLY roGErEDWhen rescued by the royal

Navy, W.G. was some way out into the Gulf of Aden and had successfully engaged a small pirate vessel, killing six and teaching the survivors the cor-rect method of hitting to leg.

Doctor Grace initially ex-

plained his erratic behaviour as being a result of malaria but subsequently confessed that he had been “disgracefully well-refreshed”.

The maritime escapades of their most senior player are merely the latest embarrass-ment on a tour that has seen England defeated by a variety of native sides, many of whom had to be taught the Laws of Cricket prior to matches.

Fig. 1 . The Nautical Velocipede: Doctor Grace Skilfully Navigates His Bastard Craft Through The Straits

The Wisden Cricketer

72 73

Summer 1896

six o’clock… I rise early and breakfast on a most refreshing sup of Mr Rackham Bull’s Red Bull en-ergetic facilitation concoction, a product which I am only too happy to endorse but one I should consume personally nevertheless. It is said to give you wings and I am not one to argue!

eight o’clock… My wife, the noted music hall entertainer Miss Jessica of Liberatum X, and myself promenade throughout the cap-ital, perhaps purchasing some of the latest most fashionable clothing and endeavouring to get noticed in all the right places.

eleven o’clock… The real business of the day begins for Kevin Pietersen: staring into the looking glass practising his cricketing shots and generally admiring his personage.

three o’clock… Invent a new type of cricket-ing shot.

four o’clock… To the netting facilities, where I work assiduously on my new shot, repeatedly getting out.

five o’clock…Rehearse defiant insistences to the gentlemen of the press that I shall continue to play the new shot, despite its obviously dis-astrous consequences.

eight o’clock…Early to bed to work on my memoirs and practise referring to myself in the third person. Good night from Kevin Pi-etersen, admirers!

A 24-Hour Period In The Daily Existence Of…

K.P. Pietersenbeing his daily disciplines and diversions

Mr Pietersen invents another pointless shot

M r C.B. Fry has recently turned his hand to

invention, and has patented or discovered: the pneumatic hammer; the ‘zipper’ fastening device; colour photography; the carburettor; the wireless radio; and the iPad, a type of slate tablet useful for striking a recalcitrant domestic servant.

M r C.B. Fry can perform as-tonishing feats of memory

and has memorised the names and ages of every man living in Leicestershire, as well as most of the women, and a good por-tion of the farm animals.

M r C.B. Fry is the posses-sor of the longest big toe

in First Class Cricket: his left. Curiously, his right big toe is of only median length.

M r C.B. Fry is quite a clever pianist, but finds

it uncomfortable to play after an argument with the Sultan of Turkey over the correct phras-ing in a Chopin prelude. The Sultan slammed C.B. Fry’s fin-gers in the lid of a Steinway, but C.B. Fry countered by deposing the spiteful Turk and installing a puppet ruler in his place.

M r C.B. Fry once held the Swedish middleweight

jujitsu title, but lost in a heavily disputed split decision to Sven ‘The Eel’ Natamaka and refused to compete again.

M r C.B. Fry once grew the largest marrow

in all Carmarthenshire. He lists it among his proudest achievements.

Facts About C.B. FRY

The Wisden Cricketer

72 73

Summer 1896

six o’clock… I rise early and breakfast on a most refreshing sup of Mr Rackham Bull’s Red Bull en-ergetic facilitation concoction, a product which I am only too happy to endorse but one I should consume personally nevertheless. It is said to give you wings and I am not one to argue!

eight o’clock… My wife, the noted music hall entertainer Miss Jessica of Liberatum X, and myself promenade throughout the cap-ital, perhaps purchasing some of the latest most fashionable clothing and endeavouring to get noticed in all the right places.

eleven o’clock… The real business of the day begins for Kevin Pietersen: staring into the looking glass practising his cricketing shots and generally admiring his personage.

three o’clock… Invent a new type of cricket-ing shot.

four o’clock… To the netting facilities, where I work assiduously on my new shot, repeatedly getting out.

five o’clock…Rehearse defiant insistences to the gentlemen of the press that I shall continue to play the new shot, despite its obviously dis-astrous consequences.

eight o’clock…Early to bed to work on my memoirs and practise referring to myself in the third person. Good night from Kevin Pi-etersen, admirers!

A 24-Hour Period In The Daily Existence Of…

K.P. Pietersenbeing his daily disciplines and diversions

Mr Pietersen invents another pointless shot

M r C.B. Fry has recently turned his hand to

invention, and has patented or discovered: the pneumatic hammer; the ‘zipper’ fastening device; colour photography; the carburettor; the wireless radio; and the iPad, a type of slate tablet useful for striking a recalcitrant domestic servant.

M r C.B. Fry can perform as-tonishing feats of memory

and has memorised the names and ages of every man living in Leicestershire, as well as most of the women, and a good por-tion of the farm animals.

M r C.B. Fry is the posses-sor of the longest big toe

in First Class Cricket: his left. Curiously, his right big toe is of only median length.

M r C.B. Fry is quite a clever pianist, but finds

it uncomfortable to play after an argument with the Sultan of Turkey over the correct phras-ing in a Chopin prelude. The Sultan slammed C.B. Fry’s fin-gers in the lid of a Steinway, but C.B. Fry countered by deposing the spiteful Turk and installing a puppet ruler in his place.

M r C.B. Fry once held the Swedish middleweight

jujitsu title, but lost in a heavily disputed split decision to Sven ‘The Eel’ Natamaka and refused to compete again.

M r C.B. Fry once grew the largest marrow

in all Carmarthenshire. He lists it among his proudest achievements.

Facts About C.B. FRY

The Wisden Cricketer

24 25

Spring 1896

The Gentleman’s GuardRight knee raised; cheroot

angled to Leg.

Dr Grace’s School for CricketLesson One: Correct Defensive Posture

when faced with Hostile Native Bowling

The Noblesse ObligeDressed to Leg; pocket-watch to Off.

The Baronet’s BlockMoustache advisable.

The Viscount’s ReverseHat optional.

The CodpieceComme Il Faut

Middle stump guard.

The Palmerston SnoozeA Runner may be required.

The Wisden Cricketer

24 25

Spring 1896

The Gentleman’s GuardRight knee raised; cheroot

angled to Leg.

Dr Grace’s School for CricketLesson One: Correct Defensive Posture

when faced with Hostile Native Bowling

The Noblesse ObligeDressed to Leg; pocket-watch to Off.

The Baronet’s BlockMoustache advisable.

The Viscount’s ReverseHat optional.

The CodpieceComme Il Faut

Middle stump guard.

The Palmerston SnoozeA Runner may be required.

W.G. Grace Ate My PedaloBy Tyers & Beach

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