I never realized how complex and lengthy the book publication process was until

I signed a contract with Wipf & Stock Publishing. First I had to reformat the

manuscript to meet their specifications. Then it had to be submitted in a certain

way and the format checked. After that it sat in a queue until it went to my copy

editor, which resulted in numerous small tweaks. Then everything accelerated.

In the last six weeks the book has been typeset and proofread, the cover designed

and approved, and then it was off to my editor, Charlie, for final proofing before

publication began. Well, friends, publication is here!

Truly gratifying is the fact that one of the foremost forgiveness researchers and

writers, Everett Worthington Jr., wrote the foreword, and The Road Home has

been endorsed by the Presidents of the American Association of Christian

Counselors and the Christian Association for Psychological Studies, meaning it

has been endorsed by recognized experts.

The Road Home was created because there were no biblical and clinically-sound

forgiveness and reconciliation processes for entire congregations. The Road

Home will assist post-conflict churches in forgiving and reconciling in healthy

ways. It will be available very shortly through Amazon, Barnes and Noble,

Christianbooks.com, Ingram/Spring Arbor, and directly from Wipf & Stock

Publishing. ~ Darrell Puls

Welcome to Ekklesia, the newsletter of Peacebridge

Ministries!

EKKLESIA is an ancient Greek term meaning, “those called out,” also

known as the Christian Church. Our calling is to strengthen the

Ekklesia in all of its forms.

Several books have been written in the last few

years about the decline of the mainline

denominations. Many reasons have been put forth

to explain the decline, with the implication that

changing this or that bit of the worship service

would attract the Millennial generation back into

these churches. One of the bigger bits of

contention has been labeled the “worship wars”

and centers on the style of music with peripheral

issues of how the pastor is dressed, etc. A funny

thing happened to many of the churches that made

these cosmetic changes: nothing. The Millennials

did not flood into the churches, and their declines

continue.

Could it be that the Millennials want religious

teaching that requires something more of them

than attendance? New York Times columnist Russ

Douthat thinks so. Douthat argues that the failure

of the shrinking mainlines is that they have

softened the gospel message to the point of where

it is nothing more than a “feel good” therapy

rather than the soul-changing polemic for Christ it

was intended to be. In Bad Religion: How We

Became a Nation of Heretics (New York: Free

Press, 2012), Douthat traces the attendance decline

to the loosening of orthodoxy, meaning that the

softer, seeker sensitive politically correct religion

“big tent, we will meet your needs” approach is

having the opposite effect from what was desired.

Though largely anecdotal and without hard data,

it’s a provocative read.

VOLUME 3, NO. 2

Peacebridge Ministries is a non-profit

ministry serving churches, faith

communities, and Christian

organizations.

Peacebridge Ministries has been granted

IRS 501(c)(3) tax-exempt status.

For more information, visit us at:

http://conflicttopeace.com

Darrell@conflicttopeace.com

Our Mission: Peacebridge Ministries exists to prevent destructive conflict and to help conflicted churches,

communities of faith and Christian organizations resolve conflicts in a positive and healing manner

through consulting, coaching, training, and on-site interventions using proven, biblically-sound practices.

Spring 2013

A Nation of Heretics?

VOLUME 3, NO. 2 PAGE 2

SPRING 2013

Mediation has become a common way of settling disputes, controversies, and

lawsuits short of arbitration or a court trial. In fact, it is common for judges to

order that a case go through mediation before trial, and many contracts now

require mediation as part of the normal dispute resolution process. When

successful, mediation provides a quick, inexpensive, and mutually agreeable

resolution to the dispute, which in turn means fewer cases in the courts.

Mediation is designed as a facilitated, neutral process to bring about a settlement.

It is facilitated and guided by a trained mediator who works with the parties to

help them find an acceptable solution to their dispute. The mediator does not

take sides, but does challenge the assumptions of the parties in order to help

them see and understand their issues in a different light and through that process

helps the parties find solutions that have eluded them to that point, solutions

which often are far more satisfying than what they had originally demanded.

Christian mediation uses the same principles of utilizing highly-trained neutrals

to guide the parties through the dispute resolution process, but the process is

guided by biblical principles that seek an acceptable settlement while also

seeking to heal the relationships. In other words, Christian mediation has

relational forgiveness and reconciliation as goals, things that are not part of the

secular mediation process.

Some of the biblical principles involved include seeking justice while loving

mercy (Micah 6:8), reconciliation (Matt. 5:24, Luke 12:58), loving and praying

for those who oppose us (Matt. 5:44), settling the matter quickly (Matt. 5:25) and

avoiding the use of secular courts (1 Cor. 6: 1-8). Resolution and settlement

usually requires some manner of repentance by everyone involved, even if it is

only from unexpressed anger and resentment.

I have mediated hundreds of contentious cases including divorces, lawsuits,

wrongful terminations, church fights, and many more, and supervised the

mediation process for new mediators. The secular model by itself has very

limited utility in the Church. Christian mediation adds biblical principles.

The reason Christian mediation is different is more than just different principles

and goals. The mediator must love everyone in the room, where in the secular

model the mediator has no obligation even to like anyone. That makes a huge

difference as the well-trained and experienced Christian mediator can have a

deeper understanding of their frustration, pain, fear, and anger, and the peace that

they seek. The Christian mediator understands the role of the Holy Spirit in

bringing about healing and reconciliation, and actively invokes the Holy Spirit to

influence everyone in the room. The secular model says that a settlement

Continued on Page 3

1153 Gage Blvd. Richland, WA 99352 509.627.1109 ext. 109 Cell: 509.308.2737

PEACEBRIDGE MINISTRIES Darrell@conflicttopeace.com

http://conflicttopeace.com

.

Selecting a Christian Mediator

There are thousands of “mediators” out there, and

there are many who stylize themselves as

“Christian” mediators. Are all mediators alike?

Sadly, no. Not even close.

First, not all “mediators” are trained. Most states do

not regulate or license mediators, meaning that

anyone can claim the title of mediator even though

they have no training whatsoever.

Second, not all training is the same. Since mediators

are generally not licensed, there are no controls on

what is included in mediation training. The training

program may be extensive, requiring 40-80 hours of

classroom instruction, written and oral exams,

followed by a closely supervised internship, or it

may be a one day workshop with no test or follow-

up.

Third, not all trained mediators are qualified for all

types of cases. While 40-hour training programs

through local dispute resolution centers may be

adequate for basic skills, mediating a divorce

requires different knowledge than mediating a

neighborhood dispute, even though the techniques

may be the same.

Fourth, just because someone has a lot of training

and experience does not mean they are good at what

they do. It is appropriate to look for specialized

training for almost every case. It is also appropriate

to check references.

Fifth, there are different styles of mediation with

each style being appropriate for some situations and

not for others. For instance, lawyers tend to practice

evaluative mediation where they evaluate the legal

and factual merits of each side’s case and place

pressure on each side to settle based on that

evaluation. Evaluative mediation generally does not

work well in emotional family disputes, whereas a

more intimate approach may not be appropriate for

a small claims case.

Continued on Page 3

VOLUME 3, NO. 2 PAGE 3

SPRING 2013

Questions? Ask!

Suggestions? Let us know!

A Few Interesting Conflict Quotes:

Be a good listener—your ears will never get you in trouble. Frank Tyger

Change means movement. Movement means friction. Only in the frictionless vacuum of a nonexistent abstract world

can movement or change occur without that abrasive friction of conflict. Saul Alinsky

One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears—by listening to them. Dean Rusk

Discourage litigation. Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can. Point out to them how the

nominal winner is often a real loser—in fees, expenses, and waste of time. Abraham Lincoln

Christian Mediation - Continued

agreement is all that is possible, while the Christian mediator understands that the

settlement is only part of the healing process. The secular model deals only in such

tangibles as money, property, obligations, and timelines, while Christian mediation

deals with all of these but moves beyond them to intangibles such as repairing the

relationship as much as possible.

Sometimes full reconciliation, meaning the relationship is fully healed and continues,

is not desirable and the relationship must end, but Christian mediators know that these

relationships do not have to end in bitterness. There can be forgiveness and emotional

reconciliation while still going separate ways.

see the bigger picture because he or she does not have an emotional investment in

winning or losing. The ability to see the larger framework then allows the mediator to

challenge assumptions and bring greater creativity into the picture. In other words, the

effective mediator makes you think about your own thinking, which allows you to

think in new ways and see what you may have missed because of your emotional

involvement. Now add the convicting and healing powers of the Holy Spirit and the

entire scenario can become life changing in almost miraculous ways.

Just about any kind of dispute or legal action can be mediated to a healing conclusion,

from family squabbles to tragic medical mistake cases.

First, are you willing to listen to what your opponents say—and more importantly,

why they say it? Christian mediation creates a safe place for this guided conversation

as confidentiality rules in most states bar anything said in mediation by anyone in the

room, including you, from being used against them later. This allows the mediator to

bring into the open the unsaid fears, confusion, and anger that are fueling the fire.

Concluded on Page 4

Selecting a Christian Mediator

(Continued from Page 2)

For a larger conflict such as in the

congregation, more specialized training

and experience are needed as the

techniques for cases involving 2-4 people

do not work well when more people are

involved and fail completely when

working with a large group.

Finally, there are mediators who are

Christians and those who practice Christian

mediation. Do not confuse the two.

Christian mediation requires a godly

person who is specially trained and

experienced in biblical principles of

conflict resolution. They adhere to a higher

set of ethics which always seek to go

beyond a settlement agreement to believer

forgiveness and emotional reconciliation,

even if the relationship is ending. They

seek justice mixed with the grace of mercy.

General political incorrectness: If, as some believe, we are descended from apes, and

natural selection results in the extinction of the lower genus, why do we still have

apes? Just wondering. . .

It is very difficult to maintain

objectivity in the middle of

conflict. Our emotions get in the

way and warp our perceptions of

what people mean and intend,

which in turn leads to greater

frustration and anger. Now think

of a conflict you were in and try

to see it from a distance. It’s hard

because you were in the middle

of it. A mediator can more easily

More Signs of the Times…

Second, are you willing to consider the possibility that you may be at least

partially part of the problem (I know, you’re less of a problem than those “other”

people are). Jesus said it emphatically: Why are you so concerned with a piece of

sawdust in someone else’s eye when you have a log sticking out of your own?

(Thoughts count – Jesus said so!) The sad truth is that everyone involved in

conflict has logs in their eyes.

Third, are you willing to consider positions and possible solutions other than what

you have said you must have? The Holy Spirit can inspire incredible creativity

when we allow it, bringing deeper, lasting satisfaction and peace through solutions

we have not even dreamed of

Finally, are you willing to allow the grace of mercy to temper the justice you seek?

If you can agree to these things, even if you are deeply skeptical, then be ready for

the miracle.

Let me give you a true life example of the effectiveness of Christian mediation.

In late 1998 I was asked to mediate between a man and woman, both physicians

who had been in joint practice for about 10 years. Their entire practice was in

jeopardy because of their conflict. They were no longer speaking to each other and

avoided any contact. They both were depressed, angry, and deeply hurt.

I had them sit next to each other as they told their stories to me. It became obvious

that they truly respected each other’s clinical skills but that they had deeply hurt

each other and neither wanted any more pain. Their solution was to dissolve their

medical practice, which would be a financial and professional disaster. Eventually,

as they became more comfortable with both me and the process, I realized that she

was frightened by the raw physicality of his anger as it brought back to her

memories of childhood beatings. He was devastated when she finally said it; he

had no idea of how terrifying his “normal” behavior was to her. It was normal to

him so he thought it was normal to everyone. It wasn’t.

There were more painful disclosures, and each drove them deeper into godly

sorrow and repentance. Eventually they fell into each other’s arms, weeping. They

sought and granted forgiveness.

We weren’t finished though, as we needed to create new ways of communicating

that we not threatening. Why? They needed to break bad habits, and this was how.

It took another hour or so. By the time we were finished they were talking

animatedly and I could not get them out the door, even though it was nearing

midnight. They left that night with a settlement agreement and reconciled.

Did it last? Fourteen years later in late 2012 she told me that life had never been as

good between them as it is now. Then she added this benediction: “It’s amazing

what happens when God gives you new eyes to see with.” Amen!

PS: They still practice the new communication habits that were formed as part of

the settlement agreement.

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