Welcome EJH Parents!

Make sure you:

1. Drop the kids off in Room 582. Put raffle ticket in bucket3. Grab some food4. Connect with other parents5. Sit back and relax

The Fab 4

1. ABC Groups & PBIS2. Teenage Development3. Helping your child be successful at

school4. Setting limits & using consequences

at home

ABC Groups

• New this year• Anti-Bullying Committees• 42 groups of 12-13 students to 1 adult• Mix of all grades• Meet once a month for 90 minutes• Discuss bullying, do projects, connections• Will stay in same group through EJH

PBIS

• New this year• Positive Behavioral Interventions & Supports• School-wide• Every adult and student participates• Program:

1. Teach/Model2. Expect3. Reward

When?

• August: Teach expected behaviors in ALL areas of building– Bathrooms– Hallways– Classrooms– Bus– Lunch

• Re-teach areas when needed (after breaks)

The General Coupon

• Reward when positive behaviors are seen– Coupons with different values• Green = 1 pt. (Classroom)• Orange = 2pt. (Hall, Bus, Lunch)• Blue = 3pt. (Teacher Aides)• Yellow = 4pt. (Substitute Teachers)

– Every adult has these (aides, custodians, nurse)– Adult tells student why they received coupon

Rewards/Incentives

• Coupons are redeemed to get incentives

– 1st Quarter = Homeroom Rewards• Homeroom reaches goal together and chooses reward• Goals get harder as they continue• Creates teamwork and positive peer pressure• Recognized on ‘PBIS Wall of Fame’ and announcements• Tech Time, Outside Time, Popcorn, Freeze Pops

– 2nd & 3rd Quarter Rewards• Student collects individually• Redeems at the General Store on Fridays during lunch• School supplies, books, toys, coupons, freeze pops

– 4th Quarter Rewards• We will do the same as 1st Quarter in Homerooms

ABC + PBIS = A safer & friendlier school

• Adult to student connections have improved• Attendance has improved• Detentions have decreased• School suspensions have decreased• Students report feeling safe at EJH• Students report liking that they earn rewards

for positive behavior

Teenage Development

Once again, the Fab 4!

1. Emotional2. Social3. Physical4. Academic

Emotional

• Mood swings• Desire independence and freedom• Need for privacy• Seek intimacy (with non-family members)• Think their parents don’t know what they are feeling• Self-harm (cutting, eating, self-image, etc)• Establishing identity– Self-concept: own beliefs, values, interests– Self-esteem: how one feels about himself

Is This Normal? Yes!

• Teens will:– Argue for the sake of arguing– Jump to conclusions– Be self-centered– Constantly find fault in the adult’s position– Be overly dramatic– Revolve their worlds around friends, clothes, and activities

**Don’t worry --- you are not alone – other parents and teachers deal with this daily!

Feelings• How does your child express their feelings?

– Recognize emotion (body signal)• Hot• Shaking• Chest about to burst• Cry

– Express feelings constructively1. You never hurt yourself with words or actions2. You never hurt another person with words or actions3. You never hurt or damage property

– Ways to express feelings appropriately:• Walk away• Self-talk• Deep breaths• Physical activity• Visualizations• Counting• Journaling

Social

• Keep information private• Seek deeper relationships than just interests

(trust/honesty)• Wonder if they are normal• Wonder if they fit in• Healthy to spend more time with peers than

before• Family is still very important

Reflect on These• Does your child know how to make a friend and keep one?• Can your child express emotions in a healthy manner?• Can your child compromise?• Does your child accept differences?• Can your child express her opinion while also listening to others?• Can your child carry on a conversation with peers? Eye contact? Ask

questions? Listen? Maintain a topic?• Does your child stand up for herself without verbal or physical aggression?• Does your child have empathy for the feelings of others?• Does your child know how to solve conflicts with peers in a healthy way?• Is your child extremely passive or shy with peers?• Does your child attempt to bully others?

Physical

• Girl’s puberty can be from 10 yrs-19 yrs• Boy’s puberty can be from 12 yrs-20 yrs• Need to talk about puberty before 13!• Hormones, growth spurts• Obesity, exercise, and eating disorders• Always worried about fitting in/being normal

Academic

7 Things you might want to tell the teachers:1. Health conditions2. Family issues3. Personality traits/behavior issues4. Strengths/Weaknesses5. Learning style6. Study habits7. Special interests

Read, Read, Read!

• Reading– With– To– From– In front of

No matter how you read, DO IT! Reading with your child, to your child, from your child, or in front of your child will create a reader in your child!

Communication

• Parent/Teacher Conferences or Meetings– Be on time– Question what you don’t understand– Manage your emotions– Have an open mind– Follow through at home– Support school rules and goals– Make school a priority at home

School Success

• Physical Readiness– Enough sleep (10-12 hours/night)– Good nutrition **Healthy breakfast– Fresh air– Physical exercise– Limited TV and technology– Manageable amount of extra activities– Free time!

• Organization– Child should be completely ready for school

before any TV or technology is allowed– Organize at night for next day– Use checklists if needed (example in packet)– Use designated spot for backpack, lunch, etc.– Check planner for signatures and homework

• Realistic Expectations– Try not to place academic expectations that are too

high or too low on your child– Be less focused on grades– Be more focused on your child’s ability to develop:

• Good study habits• Intellectual curiosity• Positive attitude• Cooperative group work skills• Love of learning

• Responsibility– Expect your child to be responsible for his own

actions– Don’t make excuses for their behavior– Children learn from the consequences of their

actions; both positive and negative– Don’t do everything for your child– Junior High is great time to introduce

responsibilities at home, which will transfer to school

At Home

• Help child understand they have control over their academic success

• Help child understand that learning is important

• Help child develop goals and plans for studying

Homework• Have designated spot for homework

– Quiet/no distractions– Materials– Routine– Monitored

• Have designated time for homework– When are they best focused?– Breaks– Realistic (chores, TV, activities)– Incentives

• EJH Homework Club– Tues, Wed, Thur– 2:30-3:45pm– Bus provided home

Planner, Planner, Planner

At EJH, it’s all about THE PLANNER!

• Every student has one• Every student writes in one• Every teacher uses it when needed• Every parent should be referring to it• Assignments, behavior marks, holidays, etc.

What you can do:

• Be there• Be in touch with school/Micro Grade• Help teach study skills• Encourage child to seek help• Don’t wait for report cards to find out there

are problems. The sooner you intervene, the sooner your child will get back on track.

• All teachers are an email away

Setting Limits at Home

• Technology– Know how your child uses technology– Have rules of when and where technology can be

used; set timer, say specific # of songs/games– Put TV’s in common areas– Have unplugged zones and/or times– Encourage child to engage in activities that don’t

involve electronics– Keep your own use of electronics in check

No limits/rules = chaos/confusion

• Parent’s #1 Job = Setting Limits• Rules provide basis of understanding for what is

expected in workplace, school, community, family• Family rules need to be based on family values• Identify basic core rules, then support those by

establishing several small preventative rules– Ex: Core Rule = Good Grades

• Preventative Rules– Good attendance– Completing daily homework– Checking Micro Grade every week

Compliance

• Once you have established rules, compliance depends on1. The rules are clearly understood2. The rules are monitored3. The rules are consistently enforced4. The consequences used are effective deterrents

1. Clearly Understanding the Rules

• Need to be very specific• Have teen write down rules and/or repeat

back their understanding of any rule• When break rule, go back to make sure they

understand it for the next time• Post rules where teen and parent can both

view them when needed as reminders

2. Monitoring

• Essential!• Parents must provide safety net for children

by monitoring their behavior• Let teen know you will be monitoring their

behavior• Some teens require very little, some require a

lot

3. Consistency

• The HARDEST PART!• But, the MOST IMPORTANT PART!• A rule not enforced is the same as no rule at all• Teens feel safe when they know they can count on

their parents to be consistent and dependable• Don’t let little things slide!!! They will turn into big

things!• Only parents who consistently enforce their rules

will have their rules consistently followed.

4. Consequences

• Use consequences that have significant meaning and/or deterrent value to your teen

• The severity of the consequences should match the severity of the violation

• Immediate consequences combined with follow-up consequences usually work best

Effective Deterrents

• Need to be strong enough to be effective• Or they will be ignored– Ex:

• Money• Phone/ipod/lap top/music• Freedom• Clothing• Loosening restrictions• Trust• Appearance• Spending time

Discipline

• Think of discipline beyond the idea of punishment• “To discipline means to teach”• Children thrive and grow socially and emotionally

when they understand what their limits and expectations are

• They feel more secure when parents are calm, fair and consistent in their actions

• Remember: it’s normal for children to test limits and some children continue to test limits even when you are consistent

Boundaries

• Remember: YOU ARE THE PARENT!• Please do not try to be your child’s friend• Children do not need to be burdened with your

personal adult struggles and problems• Monitor the use and content of TV, movies,

video games, and internet use• Avoid forcing your child to grow up too fast by

letting him be exposed to subject matter too advanced for their developmental level

Power Struggles

Look at questions and answer yes or no.

1. Is my child’s health or safety at stake?2. Am I fighting for a deeply held value?3. Am I worried about others’ opinions?4. Is this a body issue? Sleeping? Eating? Dressing?5. Is my resistance a knee-jerk reaction?6. Do the benefits to my child (a sense of mastery or new learning

experience) outweigh the negatives?7. Is my child’s behavior violating an established household/family

rule?8. Can I accommodate my child without compromising my own

beliefs?

Answers

• If you answered yes to question #’s 1, 2, 6, or 7, it is probably a battle worth fighting

• If you answered yes to question #’s 3, 4, 5, or 8, let it go. It’s not worth the energy or aggravation!

Control• Parents want control– Strict rules give us comfort– Feel it is necessary when they are being rebellious– Unaware of other alternatives– It seemed to work when they were little– It is what our parents did– It is what our friends do– Trying to do what is right– Afraid to let go

• Teens need control

Control and Choices

• Parent give teen choices within acceptable and appropriate limits

• Set necessary and appropriate limits without trying to over-control areas of teen’s life where it is appropriate for them to have a say

• Never give a choice that you or your teen can’t follow through on

Control Vs. Relationship

“Our greatest influence does not come through control. It comes through a relationship.”

1. Stop battling for control– Count to 10 – Take a breath– Bite your tongue– Leave the room

“Trying to understand your teen’s point of view is like giving them psychological air.”

2. Understand-- What do I want?-- Why do I care so much?-- What does my teen want?-- Why does my teen care so much?

3. Work Together--Parent uses “I feel __________ when _____ because ___________.”-- Parent listens:

- without interrupting- without judgment- watch body language

-- Parent asks good questions- How do you feel about ___?- What is your story about ___?- Anything else?- Could you tell me what you mean by

that?

-- Parent shows understanding- It sounds to me like ______.- I hear you saying that _____.

Communication Tips• Schedule a time to talk with your child and listen to them. Make sure to

follow through.• Always maintain eye contact.• Try not to interrupt or make judging comments.• Remember feelings are neither right or wrong. Accept how your child feels

even if it’s different than your feelings.• Keep the focus on them.• Accept the child’s rights to his feelings. • Avoid shocked or disappointed reactions through your words, looks, or

body language.• Respect that your child might not want to talk about it now. Allow them

time to come to you later.• Help children deal with their feelings first instead of trying to solve the

problem.

Try not to:• Label “You’re a spoiled brat.”• Belittle “You don’t know what you are talking about.”• Order “Do it because I say so!”• Lecture• Take over the problem• Lie “You are the best ballplayer ever.”• Interrogate• Get stuck in the ‘old information’ rut “The last time you did

this…”• Trivializing “You shouldn’t feel that way”• Withdrawing “Don’t bother me now”

Keep up the great work!

• Use EJH and the people here as resources

• Remember, you are doing the best you can!

• When we know better, we do better!

• Parenting a teen can be positive!

Contact Info

• Erin Hatch, School Counselor ehatch@darien61.org• Kathy Spencer, 6th Grade Social Worker

kspencer@darien61.org• Jen Stansbury, 7th/8th Grade Social Worker

jstansbury@darien61.org• Karen Ochoa, School Psychologist

kochoa@darien61.org• Dena Provenzano, PTA President

denapro@comcast.net

Resources

• http://www.apa.org/pi/families/resources/develop.pdf• www.greatschools.net• http://www.centerforcsri.org/• http://www.nasponline.org/families/index.aspx• www.bullyfree.com• http://parentinginsights.net/• http://www.parenting.com/• www.darien61.org• www.parentfurther.com• http://www.schoolfamily.com/

Books

• Kids are Worth It! Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline. Barbara Coloroso

• The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. Stephen Covey• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.

Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish• Parent/Teen Breakthrough: The Relationship Approach. Mira

Kirshenbaum & Charles Foster• Getting to Calm: Cool-Headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens

+ Teens. Laura S. Kastner• Yes, your teen is crazy!: Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your

Mind. Michael J. Bradley