Introduction to Emotional Intelligence

CompliMonday, February 27, 2017

12:30 to 2:30

At Compli OfficesBy Jenifer Rhynes805 801 4216Jrhynes5631@gmail.com

Group Guidelines I will respect Confidentiality I will be present in the moment. I will stay around when times get tough. I will be on time and stay until the end. I will take care of myself and ask for what I

want. I am willing to laugh and be patient with

myself and each other. I will own my feelings and judgments. I will listen to feedback with openness and

curiosity. I will not blame, shame or fix others. I will ask permission before offering advice. I will expect unfinished business.

EQ versus IQ

comparison chart

EQ IQStands for Emotional Quotient (aka emotional

intelligence)Intelligence Quotient

Definition Emotional quotient (EQ) or emotional intelligence is the ability to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself, of others, and of groups.

An intelligence quotient (IQ) is a score derived from one of several standardized tests designed to assess intelligence.

Abilities Identify, evaluate, control and express emotions ones own emotions; perceive, and assess others' emotions; use emotions to facilitate thinking, understand emotional meanings.

Ability to learn, understand and apply information to skills, logical reasoning, word comprehension, math skills, abstract and spatial thinking, filter irrelevant information.

In the workplace

Teamwork, leadership, successful relations, service orientation, initiative, collaboration.

Success with challenging tasks, ability to analyze and connect the dots, research and development.

Identifies Leaders, team-players, individuals who best work alone, individuals with social challenges.

Highly capable or gifted individuals, individuals with mental challenges and special needs.

Origin 1985, Wayne Payne's doctoral thesis "A Study of Emotion: Developing Emotional Intelligence" Popular use came in Daniel Goleman's 1995 book "Emotional Intelligence - Why it can matter more than IQ"

1883, English statistician Francis Galton's paper "Inquiries into Human Faculty and Its Development" First application came in French psychologist Alfred Binet's 1905 test to assess school children in France.

Popular Tests

Mayer-Salovey-Caruso Test (emotion-based problem-solving tasks); Daniel Goleman model Score (based on emotional competencies).

Stanford-Binet test; Wechsler; Woodcock-Johnson Tests of Cognitive Abilities.

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Brain Science

Our primitive (lizard) brain processes the information as danger or safety and calls into action fight or flight. In individuals who have developed their emotional intelligence they are able to by-pass the Amygdala and utilize their Prefrontal Cortex. Most leadership occurs in the Executive Brain.

Emotional Intelligence Components

Self Awareness Quiz

What key traits stand out for you from your Meyer’s Brigg’s personality profile?

What is your learning style?

Visual

Music/Auditory

Physical/Kinesthetic

Solitary

Social

Logical

Verbal

Number the order the strengths of your intelligences:

Intrapersonal

Interpersonal

Existential

Logic/Mathematical

Musical

Naturalist

Spatial

Linguistic

Bodily-Kinesthetic

Are you a morning person or a night person?

Describe your sense of humor… 7 words or less

What is your favorite color, why?

What time of day are you most likely to be:

Creative

Openminded

Physical

Inattentive

Verbal

Do you wait to be asked to help or offer before being asked?

How are you likely to behave:

When hungry

When tired

When well rested

After a training

What are your core values?

What are your core beliefs?

Are you dominate right brain or left brain?

What shortcoming have you come to accept in yourself?

Emotions Word Wheel

My Story

Facts: Who, what, where, when, how much…?

What my thoughts are about the circumstances and/or what do I make it to mean?

I feel ___________________________________________________________________

I want to feel ____________________________________________________________

Angry

If you picked angry, can you identify the standard that was not met. (A standard has more weight than an expectation).

In this case can you identify how and why the standard was not met.

Based on that exploration, which will you change your perception or procedure? In what way?

Example: I feel skeptical, I want consistency. She missed several deadlines without communicating the situation. Perception change might mean evaluating the quantity or complexity of the work assigned to that employee. Procedure change might mean you check in on the work 3 days prior to the deadline instead of 3 days after the deadline.

Angry

Anger occurs when a standard is not met. A standard has more weight than an expectation. In your world a standard might seem like a law of nature. At the very least it is a law for you and may even be a societal law. When an employee steals from the worksite, might be a standard that evokes anger. I know it did in me. I also was hurt and had fear. I had to process each emotion separately as the event inspired many changes for me.

In your case, can you identify how the standard was not met. Failing a standard feels monumental because it seems obvious the act is intentional. When we hold standards, we usually are very clear about communicating them. They appear in our employee handbooks, they are the subject of training, there is institutionalize procedures that accompany them. If those systems aren’t in place, one should question their relationship to their “standards”. I frequently observe a breakdown when standards are believed to compete with one another. An example is keeping costs down and adhering to overtime laws. A CEO may believe both standards are being met; only to discover after being notified of a lawsuit, that overtime laws were adhered to merely as a suggestion not a standard.

In the above example changing both your perception and procedure is necessary. Clearly both standards weren’t institutionalized. Meetings were likely skewed with managing costs conversations. Financial reports were inspected calling into question costs and at the same time little or no activity was initiated to insure adherence to overtime laws. This is a case of don’t expect what you fail to inspect. Upon scrutiny, who you trust may change and as a result new procedures are instituted. If whole industries fail to meet societies standards, law makers step in with new procedures. Lobbyist’s jobs are about changing perception while lawmakers jobs focus on procedure.

Disappointed

If you picked Disappointed, can you identify the expectation that was not met.

Expectations must be honed, changed for a time of year, for a personality type, for a skill set, for an environment. Which variables are in play?

In this case can make your expectation appropriate?

Example: I expect family members to pick up after themselves. My son John didn’t this week. The variables might be pending deadlines and illness. Perhaps you can agree to make an exception in the case of illness, but deadlines are known in advance and a plan put in place. Your communication can be: When I must pick up your items to create a clean home I feel disapproving, would you be willing to sacrifice playing your video games when you get sick so deadlines don’t take precedence over cleanliness? John won’t likely agree, but is a basis upon which to discuss to what he can agree.

Disappointed

Disappointment, like hurt, is about expectations not met. Review the hurt pages to inform your efforts around messages and actions that come with expectations

Many folks in society use language to soften the blow. It is a subtle form of dishonesty. Because these emotions are on a spectrum and as the intensity is turned up a new word is invented to try and describe our feelings. When we verbalize our emotions to others, the tendency is to lower the intensity. This habit is formed and we begin to be dishonest with ourselves. Disappointment is often utilized as a softer way to express an emotion.

None the less, processing disappointment is an exercise in reflecting on the expectations involved. Expectations must be honed, changed for a time of year, for a personality type, for a skill set, for an environment. A step on the road to reconciling our disappointment is to accept our part. Which variables did you not account for in this instance? If you could turn back time, could you make your expectation appropriate?

Because disappointment is generally about the past. Applying the energy, it creates to forge a path to forgiveness offers and very productive effort. Forgive yourself for your past actions and reconcile yourself to a new set of perceptions and procedures. Forgive in other’s their short-comings, lack of sophistication or other traits such as knowledge that you’ve ascribed to them because of your reflection.

Utilize your new insights to create a new path with fewer opportunities for disappointment.

When_______________________________________________, I feel ______________.Would you be willing to _____________________________________?

IssuesClear & Clean Model

Person with the Issue Starts:“I have an issue I’d like to clear with you. Is now a good time?

If not now, agree on a time.

“I am clearing this issue because you – and our relationship – are important to me.”

Affirm the relationship

“The specific facts are …” Recordable data; not judgments

“I feel…” Angry, Sad, Joyful, Afraid, Ashamed, Guilty, Numb …

“My judgment is…” The story I make up.

“My part in this is…” In creating or sustaining the issue.

“And, I specifically want…” For me. And, us.

The other person listens to understand then reflects back:“Let me see if I understand you…” Reflect or paraphrase without interpretation with the goal of

truly understanding without rebuttal. After reflecting, check for accuracy.

“Is that accurate?” If not, reflect again. Ask for help.

“Is There More?” This is a crucial question. Ask in a kind, genuine, curious, want-to-be-in-relationship voice.

“Are you clear about this?””. “Clear” does not mean “resolved” or “fixed”. “Clear” indicates “heard

“I appreciate…” If yes, give an appreciation.

Switch clearing issues as necessary.

When both parties are clear, clean it up!Offer and Counter-Offer Offer suggestions on how to solve the problem. Counter

offer. Agree.

Apologies and Amends Offer meaningful apology. “How can I make it right?”

Norms Discussion Agreed upon outcomes, agenda, roles, responsibilities

Follow the guidelines Commit to curiosity Claim 100% responsibility

Emotional Intelligence Quiz

Scoring Key Not at All

Rarely Some-times

Often Very Often

1. . I can recognize my emotions as I experience them.

SA 1 2 3 4 5

2. I lose my temper when I feel frustrated. SR 5 4 3 2 13. People have told me that I’m a good listener. Em 1 2 3 4 54. I know how to calm myself down when I feel

anxious or upset.SR 1 2 3 4 5

5. I enjoy organizing groups. SS 1 2 3 4 56. I find it hard to focus on something over the long

term.Mo 1 2 3 4 5

7. I find it difficult to move on when I feel frustrated or unhappy.

SR 1 2 3 4 5

8. I know my strengths and weaknesses. SA 1 2 3 4 59. I avoid conflict and negotiations SS 5 4 3 2 110. I feel that I don't enjoy my work. Mo 5 4 3 2 111. I ask people for feedback on what I do well, and

how I can improve.SA 1 2 3 4 5

12. I set long-term goals, and review my progress regularly.

Mo 1 2 3 4 5

13. I find it difficult to read other people's emotions. Em 1 2 3 4 514. I struggle to build rapport with others. Em 5 4 3 2 115. I use active listening skills when people speak to

me.SS 1 2 3 4 5

Score TallyEnter the your score next to the question number below. Total to the left.

Self Awareness ? Out of 15 1 8 11Self Regulation ? Out of 15 2 4 7Motivation ? Out of 15 6 10 12Empathy ? Out of 15 3 13 14Social Skills ? Out of 15 5 9 15

Where and How to Continue Your Development

Brain Science & Training the Brain:

Self Awareness:Below are five that I have found to work best:

Meditate. Yes, meditate. ...Write down your key plans and priorities. One of the best ways to increase self-awareness is to write down what you want to do and track your progress. ...Take psychometric tests. ...Meyer’s Briggs: https://www.16personalities.com/

Ask trusted friends. ...Get regular feedback at work.

Empathy:Empathy for others: Brene Brown: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

Self Empathy: Jill Bolte Taylor: www.ted.com/playlists/31/jill_bolte_taylor_10_talks_on

Help Other’s in needPractice Paying it ForwardPractice reading body languageLearn the technique of: Active Listening

Self Regulation: Practice differed gratification

Journal

Exercise instead of ruminate

3 deep, slow breaths

Write thought and reframe in the positive

Distraction instead of ruminate

Knock off the easy tasks

Name your emotions

Social Skills:Celebrate small winsChoose your contagious emotionsLearn the technique of: Non-violent Communication

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