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Dealing with stress & burn-out

Back to a calm & peaceful life

Contents Page

Foreword 3

Introduction 6

Step 1: recognition & acknowledgement 7

Step 2: finding rest & taking distance 10

Step 3: taking care of you 13

Step 4: surrender & finding inner drives 15

Step 5: embarking adventure 18

Epilogue 21

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Foreword

This is the book I would have wanted to read when I had a burnout. I notice an immediate shame when I say that about myself, that I had a burnout. A sign of weakness, though looking back, I was doing a lot of stuff next to my work (I was a social worker) and I was driven more than average to make the world a better place and save everyone I met. Besides that I always felt I didn’t do enough. Or I wasn’t good enough. Maybe you recognize this. If so this book is for you.

I can still hear my sweet grandmother saying: “Nobody ever died from hard labor.” I wonder if that is true. Hard work, and especially being pushed to your limits, can give you a lot of stress. And stress kills, that’s been proven scientifically.

Maybe you have “hardass” people around you saying “stress is for pussies”. Don’t let them fool you. It could very well be their way to mask their own vulnerability. There’s people who put their feelings in a dark, deep place so they don’t feel it. And it can be hard for them to be compassionate to others. Unfortunately for them, sometimes when they hit their boundaries, the crisis is a lot worse. Better catch the signals soon and fix things. Prevention is better than having to cure something. You don’t need to stuff things away either, cause there’s nothing strange about burning out. The Worlds Health Organization estimates half of the people will die of stress around 2100. You can cure your stress or burnout and prevent getting there again. Curing is mostly about taking time and rest. Prevention is more about setting boundaries, listening to signals from the body and changing the mindset. I’ll get into this later in this book.

Working hard on something you believe in feels very different from working for something you don’t feel any affinity with. Do you work to pay the bills or are you driven by something more profound? It’s not up to me to judge that. I noticed that I need a sense of purpose, meaning and pleasure in my work to be able to keep doing it. And it drives me to do it the best I can. Working to pay the bills for someone you love can also be meaningful, that point is that there should be some intrinsic motivation.

You might think:”Yeah well that all sounds very nice Michiel, but I’ve got to pay the bills and I can’t just quit and do what I like”.

Well, maybe you won’t have a choice if you really get a burnout. If you are not there, which I hope, you could still make changes. Maybe take little steps, set boundaries, find out what you really want, learn to relax, work a bit less etc. Having an ideal picture helps to set the course of your life, doesn’t necessarily mean you have to get there. At least you’re going in the right direction and I gives you a sense of purpose.

I try not to take myself too seriously, laughing about yourself gives a lot of “headspace”. Buddhists use the word “dukkha” for suffering, which actually means “contraction”. Laughing about yourself and your “absurd” neurotic behavior (which we all have) gives space to that contraction. It stimulates “sukkha”, the opposite of “dukkha”, something like “letting go” or “giving space”. As Seneca said in ancient times, it’s important to find a balance between being serious and relaxation. “No more serious business after 4 pm”. Being too serious all the


time takes all your energy. If you are working 10 hours a day, either you might want to see if you can relax and have fun while you are doing it, or you might want to consider if this is the right position for you.

On the other hand, having no commitment or goals can be very stressful as well. We abide very well with some structure and discipline, something to believe in and the feeling of belonging to something bigger than us.

So, we can have a vision and meaningful goals, and be able to let go on a regular basis and enjoy the simple things in life. If you are always trying to change something that means you can never relax and enjoy what is available here and now. When you try to go from “A” to “B”, that means you’re not satisfied with staying at “A”. Try to settle into “A” one a regular basis, which can help you to recharge for the activities to get to “B”. It might even help you to get more insight into what your “B” should actually be.

Try also to set short term goals that you can achieve on a regular basis, it helps to get a feeling of satisfaction. I have to admit, this is challenging for me still. I tend to look at what I want to achieve in 5 years and forget about weekly or even daily goals. Also, when I get inspiration late at night, I have to start writing. I have to make myself take brakes very consciously on a regular basis and I notice this helps me to be able to keep working on the long term. Imagine a sprinter that, every time he crosses the finish line, he sees a new finish line a hundred meters away. He probably won’t be able to finish a marathon like that. A marathon runner divides his energy in a different way. So, we need to check our goals and decide whether we should sprint or take is a bit easy once in a while so we can actually make it to the finish line. You might even want to think about your ultimate finish line. Is that a project you want to finish, a promotion, your retirement, the end of your life maybe? What’s the best way to make it there and enjoy life as much as possible in the meantime?

While I was getting over a burnout and making a career switch I noticed a few things that I’d like to share with you. I worked them out in steps but they are not in a strict order. They can also be seen as “points of attention” that you should be aware of. How much depends on the individual. The points are like joint effort of several processes. Maybe in your case there will be other processes that need attention as well. I hope this material will help you as a guideline or addition to your individual process. Sort of a map to guide you into new territory. I kept it short and practical. Stress is physical. Adrenaline and cortisol cause the mind to get restless, and the solutions are to be found in the sense aspect of ourselves, the physical and the practical. You can’t “think yourself” out of a burn-out. The adrenaline and cortisol are hormones that get you ready to achieve short term goals. They help to make you stronger and more focused for a short while, to “fight” or “get away” from something dangerous or to make it to the so called “deadline”. On the long term however, too much of these hormones all the time narrows our vision and wears us out.

Something that has helped me a lot is working with images and metaphors. Movies, books and visualizations gave me insight and strength when I couldn’t get things straight rationally anymore. With visualizations, u use your imagination to see something before you, like a


wise person giving you advice or a brave one to inspire you to be strong and brave. Images and your imagination can evoke qualities that don’t always get to the surface, but that are inside of us. They connect us with our inner strength and wisdom.

So, suddenly I was free and had lost most of my security’s. The adventure had started. Now your adventure is starting, the quest for your holy grail, your inner peace and happiness. I hope this book will help you..


Introduction

Ok, so you have admitted that you’re suffering from stress or maybe even a burn-out. If you’d compare yourself with a sponge, and the lust for life with water, you’ve almost or completely dried out. Maybe you quit working, maybe you are working partially or on a therapeutical basis while you and your surroundings are trying to squeeze a little more water out of you.

If you’ve stopped working people might say things like “so, did you make yourself useful today?” or “yes I have to leave, some people have to work you know”. Not necessarily meant in a bad way, but it hurts to the bone because it puts the finger on the sore spot. You’re biggest fear, the fear not to be of any use for society. Because your self-worth depends on what you achieve, that is the paradigm you’ve been taught all your life. Positive achievements deserve praise (if you are lucky) Mistakes or not working your ass off is being condemned. Just because you worked so hard to improve the world around you is the reason you’re in this position now. You didn’t set your boundaries on time and you ignored the call for rest that youre body was screaming out. You are probably more sensitive and committed than average, and therefore more vulnerable to stress. Maybe the call your body made has transformed into trembling hands, tightness of the chest, pain in neck and shoulders, insomnia or a heart attack.

The less you listen, the harder the body will call out. Until at some point you have no choice. To be happy and healthy we need some balance in our lives. Everyone knows, practicing it is a whole other ballgame. It is an art by itself. An art worthwhile learning though, maybe one of the most important thing we should have learned growing up. The good news is, you can still learn. Many went before you and many will follow. The World Health Organization estimates about half of the people will die of the consequences of stress by the year 2100. Maybe you can be a pioneering example for other people? Taking care of yourself will be good for you and others around you, so don’t feel guilty about the fact that you are ill at home in the case you quit work. Do what needs to be done to create a balanced life, dare to choose in your own best interest.

If you are very sensitive, motivated and committed, you run a higher risk of getting stressed out. Highly sensitive people (HSP) are more vulnerable because they absorb more information than others. When the body tells us to run or fight, our mind often overrules this, we consistently trained our mind to stay in charge, ignoring the needs we felt from childhood. Maybe you can see how you’ve been ignoring or overruling your gut feeling since childhood. It’s probably a pattern you learned then. Growing up, the adults around you ignored your calls, now your own rational mind has taken over that pattern. You’re doing to yourself what your parents did before. Time to take a good look at what your thoughts are telling you, and see if that is helpful or not.


Step 1: Recognition & acknowledgement

Ask yourself if this is the life you want. Do you want to feel like you’ve felt the last few months for the rest of your life? Learn to recognize the signs your body is giving you, acknowledge them and take countermeasures. I’m not talking about strong emotions, it’s more about subtle inner sensations, like tension in neck and shoulders, constant headache, insomnia, a lump in your throat or palpitation of the heart

So you finally listened to the signs your boy gave you. Had you done this soon enough, you wouldn’t feel so stressed. You could have delegated some work or drew a line somewhere. You could have stopped telling yourself that what you did wasn’t good enough. You could have stopped trying to save the whole organization by yourself or change the world on your own. Taking a good look at your circle of influence could give you a clear picture of what you can do, and which things you can only influence slightly or not at all. Worrying about things you can’t change gives a lot of stress and it doesn’t do any good.

Maybe you did recognize the signs but you didn’t see the possibility to do something about it. Stop working “just like that” is not accepted and calling in sick because you are “tired and stressed” neither. Everybody suffers from stress right? You should be able to deal with it. Of course you could discuss the amount of pressure. How much you are involved, how much you care about what you do, responsibilities, the hours you make etc. all have an influence on the amount of pressure. Feeling appreciated and being included in decision making takes away a lot of stress. On the other hand, having to make important decisions on your won can also be experienced as a heavy burden. Fact is the balance is lost.

Chances are you will be disappointed in some of your friends and you will meet a lack of empathy and understanding. The beauty of this process is that you will find out which people are your real friends. Who will support you in rough times when you’re not happy, healthy, rich and shiny? I found it’s better to have 3 close friends then 30 superficial ones.

The organization you work for would benefit from you getting back to work soon or leave the company. If you’re lucky you have a compassionate boss that cares about the human values as much as the financial aspects. It’s important to keep listening to the signal from your body. Subtle or strong feelings of discomfort are your guide in decision making. You can’t rush things and get to work quickly so keep your guard up and protect yourself. Instant important decisions are decided before we rationalize the pros and cons. That is how the brain works, we pick up information and can decide before the information is sent to the part where we rationalize it. With more precise decision making this is helpful, with simple decisions like “can I go back to work?” Trust your gut feeling

You might feel some anger next to the symptoms of stress. A force that has (finally) woken up inside of you says: ”Ok, enough is enough!.” Use that force to draw a line, the lack of that power has gotten you in this situation and no one benefits from you being sick. Maybe this means you can’t pay your mortgage, I ended up on welfare which I found terrible, having to hold up my hand and being treated like a criminal. But the struggle to live the life I wanted was worth it. It should be worth it to you too.


When I had my “enough is enough” moment I felt like I escaped from prison, ending up in the jungle having no idea where to go. I figured I’d either die or live my own life. Either way, better than staying in that prison for the rest of my life.

I cut off every connection that wasn’t helping me. Work, a bad relationship, all to build it up slowly again in a way that sited me. During this period I met several people that had been very successful on society level while being very unhappy in their personal life. One man told me he had been a millionaire with a busy job. After getting a burn-out he found out his wife cheated on him with his accountant, he lost his friends, house and others things. Now he had very little to spend and a small house, but he enjoyed simple things so much more. He was happy for the first time in his life. Another man, less radical, was very successful and rich. He decided to work less, driving a second hand car and spending more time with family and friends. People told him he was a fool, but he felt much better living like this..

Being successful to me means being happy. Doing what you like, what’s meaningful to you and connecting to others. Making enough to be able to make a living and finding a balance in work and relaxation. That to me is the art of life

I hope to encourage you to draw the line and live the life you want. It’s your right to be happy!

Tips:

Listen to your body. When you have a bad feeling about something, don’t do it Allow yourself to be angry and say “no”, the world will keep turning without you and

you don’t have to please everyone. When someone “casually” asks you to do something you can’t do right away, ask

them to send you an email about it so you don’t need to remind yourself and are able to clear your head.

Consider this and remember this metaphor: Whenever someone has a problem, it’s like they have a monkey on their shoulder. Whenever you talk to them, you might start to feel responsible, either by your own doing or because they are trying to make you. This is like their monkey is hopping from their shoulder to yours. This often happens without us noticing it. Remember to be aware of monkeys hopping on your shoulders. When you notice it happens while it doesn’t belong to you, put it back where is belongs. For instance by asking someone to send you an email with their question so they need to remember and not you. (tip above)

Use no more than two places to write stuff down you have to do. Your agenda and a to-do list on the fridge for example. Writing stuff down allows your mind to clear itself without being afraid to forget things.


Look up people that support you and avoid people that do the opposite. Consciously choose who you spend your free time with.


Step 2: Finding rest & taking distance

As if you’re stepping off a carousel or a running train, take this step and look at the big picture. You have to do this to be able to change something.

It’s time to take a rest and look at things from a distance. Without a step back you can’t see things clearly and making choices is extremely difficult. I remember even choosing a brand of peanut butter in the supermarket was a disaster. Make it easy on yourself and allow yourself not to make any important decisions right now. You could get advice from someone supportive like a friend or relative. If you find someone that you feel is knowledgeable about situations like this, use that. Could also be a house doctor or a coach.

Talking to someone else can help to look at your own thinking patterns and behavior. It might be tempting to blame others, but you have let this happen just the same. Maybe you criticize yourself too much, maybe you never set boundaries or allowed yourself to be angry. Maybe you tell yourself you are powerless. Your thinking patterns may be destructive without you even being aware of it. You’ve probably been programmed like this in your youth and you can change them, with some help if necessary.

When you’re thinking of deadlines and targets all the time you’re constantly creating hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. These stress hormones need to be compensated and rest is needed for that. You could compensate with sports, building endorphins that make you feel good after a workout, but we also need resting periods where the whole system can calm down.

So first take some distance and find a resting point. Meditation can help. A Zen teacher gave the following instruction: “Sit like you are the general on a battle field. Fully awake and relaxed, with some distance to the skirmish so you can have an overview of what’s going on. You observe without attachment.” We have the capacity to observe our own thoughts and feelings this way. You can use this to see what kind of thoughts you have and if they are helpful or not. Another teacher compared the “thinking” to our closest friend, constantly whispering ideas in our ear. Try to become conscious of these ideas and ask yourself: “Is this idea true? And does it help me to keep thinking this thought?” If the answer to both questions is “no”, you can acknowledge its existence and let go.

If you meditate, be aware of a so called “spiritual bypass”. This means you need to be careful not to use meditation as an escape. You can’t meditate all your problems away, you can use it to get more insight and relaxation to address the problem. Use meditation to observe and relax, than do what needs to be done. Make sure you’re not trying too hard either. This is often difficult for people who are very much goal orientated (and stressed). There is a paradox in meditation. You decide to do it with an intention. But when you actually do it, let go of the intention and try not to achieve anything. Relax in the present moment and observe what’s going on without interfering.

When meditation is hard to do because of too much mental, emotional or physical tension it’s better to do something else to relax. Preferably something where the attention goes to


yourself. Watching tv or playing a videogame can be a nice distraction but you need to get in touch with yourself. You can do something like I described in the tips on the next page.

Exercise: Breathing pause

Find a quit place and sit comfortably and straight up. Feel how the breath goes in and out of your body. Feel the air touching the nostrils and your abdomen and chest rising and falling. Try to relax and expand the part of the body where you can feel the breath. You might even be able to breath with your whole body. Make sure not to take it too seriously, keep it light and try to have a bit of a curious feeling about it. Trying too hard gives more tension, trying to push tension away also gives more tension. If it’s hard and breathing becomes difficult, you are trying too hard. That by itself is valuable information: Are you always pushing yourself like this? Try to relax and accept yourself as you are, you are fine the way you are, have some compassion for yourself. You could set an alarm clock at 3 minutes to start. After a few weeks you could expand to 8 and then 15 minutes a day, or even more if you want.

Exercise: Compassion meditation

For this exercise you can use a mirror, a picture of yourself, recent or when you were a kid, or you can visualize yourself. Find a quit place where you won’t be disturbed. Start following the breath and calm down. If you notice irregular breathing or tension, just observe and allow it to happen. This exercise is about looking at yourself with compassion so you might become aware of how you are pushing and judging yourself. Look at yourself with compassion and ask: What does this person need? What does he need to heal? See what happens and just give it space to manifest.

Tips:

Take a walk into nature. This has an amazing healing effect. As if nature reminds us of our own human nature and brings us closer to our inner sources. This had a tremendous effect on me, especially since I was living in the center of a big city.

Take time for your meals, try to eat healthy.


Try out yoga, qigong/tai chi or meditation class. Yoga has physically challenging styles but also styles that are very easy and have more focus on relaxation. Qigong/tai chi focus on moving and relaxation. Find out what suits you.

Visit friends or family shortly on a regular basis. Find a coach or mentor. Get involved into sports. Working out makes the body create endorphins that make

you feel good. When you’re doing sports in a group you have some social contacts as well. Running, cycling or swimming on your own is fine too of course.

Try to give your days and weeks some structure. Not too much, but some appointments so you’re not just sitting at home picking your mind. One or two appointments a day might be enough. A yoga class and coffee with a friend for example. Having a plan brings your mind at ease.


Step 3: Taking care of yourself

A better world starts with yourself. Houses and cars need maintenance, so do you. Still we usually find it easier to invest in material things. Time to change and start taking care of you.

Do you know the story of the goose with the eggs? It’s about a poor farmer. One day he finds an unfamiliar goose property. He puts it with his chickens and the next day he finds a golden egg. This happens every day and the farmer gets used to it. At some point thee farmer gets greedy and he decides to cut the goose open and take out all the eggs at once. Of course there are no eggs inside of the goose and now the goose is dead. No more golden eggs and the farmer sinks back into poverty.

You could compare yourself with this story. The farmer is your rational thinking, the goose is your body. Do you see you have asked too much from yourself? And how this has caused your production to stop? Lucky enough, you are still alive and have a chance to find a good balance. Taking care of your “production tools”, your body and mind, and producing. Setting boundaries, and doing what helps you to recharge is important now. You could treat yourself with a massage, take a few days off or maybe go on a sabbatical year even? Whatever you do, you need to restore the balance and keep it. Take care of the goose, the production process will continue by itself then.

It may be difficult to choose your own side. You may feel guilty or useless. You don’t have to. Our society has developed itself in a way where we have to achieve things all the time. We have a constant pressure of making something of ourselves. Allow yourself this care, someone else can’t do it for you. Even if they would want to, that would only be possible if you allow them. So help yourself and allow others to help you, it will benefit everyone in the end. Wouldn’t you rather be a happy friend, partner, colleague or parent than one that’s always stressed and emotionally absent?

Exercise: enjoy and relax

Take a hot bath, light a candle, cut a nice piece of cheesse with a glass of wine or do whatever you can think of to treat yourself. Happiness is often found in small things.

Exercise: circle of influence (Stephen Covey)

Take a big piece of paper and draw a small circle. Draw a bigger circle around it. Make sure there’s space to write words in both circles. In the small circle, write down things you have a direct influence on. Like your thoughts or your behavior. In the space between both circles,


write down things that affect you that you can influence moderately. Outside of the big circle, write down things that have an influence on you but you can’t influence back directly.

This exercise helps you to focus on the things you can influence. Concentrating on things you can’t influence can give you a lot of useless stress. Focus your energy on the inner circle and a bit on the middle one. In the meantime you can also try to increase the size of your inner circle.

Exercise: Befriending you inner “demon”.

Create a quit environment. Relax and close your eyes. Bring your attention to your body and feel where emotional tension rises. Might be the tension between the eyes, in the throat, hart or belly area but also something else. Abiding in that tension area, imagine a human shape, demon like figure rising in front of you that symbolizes the tension you are feeling. Observe the colors, temperature, size, mood and other things that stand out. Get as many details as possible. Next, ask this demon what he’s here for. What does he want to tell you? Listen carefully, this demon symbolizes a force inside of you that has been neglected. Now it wants to be heard, that is why it’s making you feel uncomfortable. Listen and make this demon your friend.

I use this exercise quite often. During my burn-out period I met a fierce creature that was afraid of nothing and prepared to do whatever it took to take care of itself. It taught me to stand up for myself and use my personal strength beneficially.

Exercise: wheeling the sword

This exercise might seem a bit strange or weird. You could skip it for now but you could also consider the following: What you’ve been doing so far, the way you have been thinking, has that helped you? Or is it time to try something new, maybe strange or weird? Of course you could ask for help if it’s hard to do on your own.

Use a sword, real or imitation. A wooden stick could do the job as well, it’s about our inner experience. I use a wooden katana, a wooden Japanese practice sword. Now close your eyes and visualize the people who are blocking you, in such a way that they representing exactly what you fear. You could also visualize a physical or energetic connection with them. Use the sword to cut the connection and to destroy these “demons”. This way you liberate yourself and your inner strength to stand up for yourself. Remember, you are destroying your own


projections on these people. They are not necessarily bad people, they just represent something inside of you that you are afraid of. You are using this exercise to liberate and channel your strength. You’re not just liberating the wild tiger so to speak, you’re giving it space to train it. When you actually meet the people you have trouble with, you’re holding the tiger on a leash. This will give you confidence and it will show them you’re not a pushover.

Bring your sword internally. Just hold the sword before you go meet them or get a small symbol to remind yourself of your inner strength. You don’t have to use it, just knowing you have this strength is usually enough. Now you can negotiate and stand up for yourself at this moment.

Tips:

Get a massage. Get away from things for a while, take a holiday. Treat yourself to tasty, healthy things. Do what you like and stop feeling guilty for choosing your own side. Focus on things that are in your circle of influence and on increasing this circle. Don’t

waste your energy.

Step 4: Surrender & finding intrinsic motivation

You’ve surrendered to your situation. Because you acknowledged change was needed or continuing on the same path became impossible. Change always comes with certain fears because we loose control. There is beauty in being able to surrender to the stream of life instead of trying to hold on to what you have, even if it’s making you miserable. Most people tend to do this because what we know feels safe. Now you are taking a plunge into the unknown. Try to enjoy i as much as possible, accept feel your fears, this is a chance to grow closer to your true self.

I hav experienced a burn-out was actually the best thing that could have happened to me. I had been unhappy for a long time and this forced me to stop doing the work I did, even though I didn’t know what to do after. I ended up into very uncomfortable welfare situations but I also met lots of new people, learned more about myself and tried all kinds of work before I found something that made me feel a whole lot better. I also heard other people with burn-out say the same thing, that it was the best thing that happened to them, even though at the moment itself it probably doesn’t feel like it. Keep breathing consciously, take care of yourself and see this as an adventure.


In the last chapter I wrote about creating calmness. When you found that a bit, this might e a good time to find out what your passions are. Maybe you feel you don’t have the energy to do this yet, but it could also give you extra energy to connect with the things you enjoy. Maybe it’s time to find out what you really want to do and how you could get an income from that. Or maybe you can find a way to keep doing the same job you were doing, but in a healthier way. By setting boundaries, working part-time, taking things less seriously, meditating or something else.

Things you could do to find out what you like and what the possibilities are:

Making a collage Using your network to meet people who do jobs you might like Finding a coach Watching movies and reading books that appeal to you.

Exercise: Making a collage

Take a big piece of paper, some magazines, scissors and some glue. Pick a theme you want to find more about, like work, place to live etc. Choose a subject that you’d like to change and find out what you really want. The goal is to make what you want as clear as possible. My experience is that it often comes to me after a few years

Cut images and words that appeal to you and put them on the paper. Maybe you cut out things you didn’t expect, the unconsciousness knows more about our passions than our consciousness usually does. Try to connect with what you feel inside. My thoughts for wanting to become financially independent were driven by the wish to be taken care of. That is a deeper wish that may be satisfied in another way than you might think at first. In this case by more connection with others for example.

Exercise: Using your network

When you have an idea of what you might like to do, look around in your network and see if you can find someone who does something similar. This way you can get an idea of the contents, requirements and if it suits you. Someone in this line of work also learns about you, you never know if they have an opening sometime soon. People are willing to help you and tell you something about their work. Don’t tell yourself you don’t know someone too quick, your network is much bigger than most people think. I found out I’m connected to Arnold Schwarzenegger within 3 steps


Exercise: Finding a coach

A coach ken help you distinguish what’s more and lesss important. He can help you make a plan, he can listen carefully and sometimes he can gives you exercises that help you get in touch with your feelings and express them. Personally II use constellations, mindfulness, Rock & Water and martial arts exercises among others.

To find a coach it could be useful to become aware of your coaches employer or client:

1) When your employer or welfare department is the client, chances are that the coach’s goal is to get you back to work as soon as possible. Often these coaches get a certain amount of money to get you back to work. The faster you are back, the more lucrative. The disadvantage of this for you could be that you start working too fast and in the wrong place. The coach gets paid, after a few weeks you are in the same or a worse situation.

2) When you are thee client, at least in the view of the coach, the goal will be to get you back on track on your terms. You will work on a long term plan so you won’t fall back into the same problem. Coaches might get stuck in a conflict of interests, try to make sure you find one that chooses your side.

Besides this there’s all kinds of reasons to choose one coach over another. I followed my instinct on this mostly, but I also considered this: If you know exactly what you want, find a couch to help you with job applications or building a company, if you don’t know what you want, find one that helps you with this. When you’re not standing up for yourself or have a hard tie to focus and relax, work on this first. During the process you could also change coaches.

Exercise: Watching movies and reading books that appeal to you.

What exactly is it that’s appealing about a certain movie? Which qualities does the main character display? What touches you? What is the main character doing that you’d like to do? What do you need to overcome to do that? For instance, do you like movies about schools and teachers? Or businessmen improving the world? Do you enjoy movies about people with great visions or people who overcome their fears? Something else?

Watching consciously can open a window to your inner motivation. Seeing these movies is enjoyable and so is following your inner guides. It’s energizing. You could say the characters are role models, you could even visualize them and ask for advice. All the wisdom you need is already inside of you, it might just be buried under a pile of worries and useless thoughts. Working with images and role models help to dig into your inner wisdom and intuition. Which movies appeals to you right now? Which problems is the main character facing? What are his “dragons”? Who is helping him? How can you compare your situation to the one of this hero and what can you learn from him?


For example, you could think of Frodo in Lord of the Rings who keeps on walking through the wasteland beyond hope, Breaveheart giving his life for a cause he believes in or Genghis Kahn meditating in prison while staying true to his vision. Another story is that of Nelson Mandela, who used his boxing routine and the Invictus poem to stay in shape and keep courage. It’s about finding meaning and purpose in your inner world, where images often have a stronger impact than words.

Step 5: Embarking adventure

You are embarking yur adventure like a hero. Seeing it like this can be helpful. It brings some lightness and fun in the challenges you face. It also appears that challenges we face with changes we have to make often follow the same patterns as those in heroic stories. (Jospeh Cambell, “The hero’s journey”) You will face obstacles, but you will also meet helpers and clues. You could even see this little book as a treasure map that helps you find your happiness

Just like in the stories, sometimes your mission seems hopeless, and just like in the movies you should just keep on fighting. Often there will be an unexpected helping hand when you are desperate. Could be a friendly neighbor, a stranger but also an insight or inner strength that suddenly appears. Being desperate and giving up can turn to giving in and stop doing what you always do. Hence, there is an opening for change.

If you’ve been chasing materialistic things all your life this could be a challenging adventure. Of course there is an interdependent relationship between things inside and outside of us. Your inner world is something you have more control over than the outside world. You can decide if you get defeated by a setback or you see it as a challenge that makes you stronger. When you decide the latter, you will be able to serve others as well. Think of Walt Disney or Cristopher Columbus. Do you think they never had a setback? It’s an art to enjoy the struggle


and take regular brakes. In the end nothing is certain except that you will die someday. Wouldn’t it be great to do what you believe in and enjoy the process as much as you can meanwhile?

I found achieving goals was less important than I had anticipated. It gives a certain boost and feeling of fulfillment when you achieve something you visualized some time ago. But then life just goes on. Don’t get me wrong, it’s very helpful to set goals so you can focus and get others to understand where you are going, but don’t take them too seriously. When you fixate too much on your goals (like finding a certain job) you might miss other opportunities. Let go of your goals when you are working, you often don’t know how or if you will achieve them. Try having a vision, an ideal to set your course. This helps to set your course and it’s not something your actually need to achieve. It’s an ideal to strive for.

Finding balance is key . Sometimes you need to reset the course, sometimes you just have to row with all your passion and commitment. With regular brakes of course.

Meditate like Genghis Kahn in prison (Movie Mongol), keep walking like Frodo in Lord of the Rings or keep fighting like the 300 Spartans, even if you see no way out. Life is movement, so rest, feel what drives you from inside and follow that impulse. Don’t push yourself mentally, that is just a short-term resolution. Let go, surrender and embarking on the adventure of individuation (becoming who you truly are) will ignite by itself once you give up the mental prison you kept yourself in.

You will experience some fear. Practicing meditation or just focusing on breathing will help you with this. Don’t let fear be your master, fear can give you important information but make sure you don’t follow it blindly. “Courage is not the absence of fear, but knowing something else is more important and doing what needs to be done.” I hope you are convinced by now your happiness is important enough and that you are willing to gather enough courage to do what you need to create it.

Exercise: Visualization

Find a quiet place and make sure you won’t be disturbed. Close your eyes and visualize yourself in and older version, and old, wise and happy person. Someone who has lived as he chose to, happy and satisfied. As him the question you want to ask like: “What should I do?” or “Which steps should I follow now?” See what happens.

Exercise: Breathing space

A bit similar to the “breathing pause” exercise. In the breathing pause we are trying to create rest. In this case, we are using the breath to allow whatever emotion is there to be felt while


focusing on the breathing. Don’t fight it or try to push it away, emotions are like clouds coming by, if we don’t disturb them and create more clouds, they will fade by themselves. Again you can sit for 3, 8, 15 minutes or more. Making a habit out of this and doing the same amount of time every day helps, again because a clear planning clears the mind.

Tips:

Make sure you know what you want. Finding out what you want could be a goal by itself. Goals can constantly change, learn to listen to yourself.

Be pro-active. Stephen Covey second habit of highly effective people. Above is the first. You need to get out on go for what you want actively. Don’t wait for people to come ring at your doorbell and offer you the job you’ve always wanted, that probably won’t work. Use your network, follow courses, help someone else, do something new, get out there.

Accept your fears and learn to deal with them. The first time I gave a workshop to a group of people I almost vomited from nervousness, but I did it anyway. Once I started everything went smoothly and it was very rewarding to do. I had to battle my “inner demons” before though. Over the years they are getting more silent, though I still feel some nervousness before I do a training with a new group. The fears are just automatic reactions of the body, which main purpose is your safety, not your happiness Allow it, breath and they will slowly wear down once your system finds out there is nothing to fear. Besides, a little bit of creative tension can be a good thing and people often appreciate you doing things they would fear, most of them find it scary as well. Dare to be a hero!

Find balance between adventure and rest. Two exiting new things on one day may be too much, remember new challenges can also give tension a few days before.

Learn about time management, a clear planning helps to keep a clear mind.


Epilogue

This problem is not just yours. I remember doing a workshop with 120 people where I asked if they experienced stress sometimes. The whole room burst out laughing, of course they had! Laughing is a good way to relieve stress but it also indicated how people were dealing with it. Often, it’s not a serious topic of discussion, there is no plan to deal with it and moral is that those that can deal with it have the biggest chance of survival.

In which case are you able to deal with more responsibility? When you are relaxed or when you experience stress? If you’d take the word “responsibility” you could describe it as “the ability to respond”. That ability is probably higher when your mind is relaxed and clear. “Responsibility “in our society is often associated with “guilt”. When something goes wrong we start pointing fingers right away, looking for someone to blame. This way we create a culture of avoiding blame and thus not taking responsibility.

Accepting your mistakes means you are able to relax. When you feel relaxed you can really take responsibility for yourself and your surroundings. Think of a highly stressed person, would you want someone like that to be your pilot or surgeon? What you can do is commit to learn from your mistakes and gibe others positive feedback. This way we can create a culture where everyone takes responsibility without having to walk tiptoe all the time. We accept our mistakes and do our best not to repeat them.


In old cultures people used rites of passage when we became adults. African tribes still use these. These rites help us to entangle from the bond with the parents, finding out who we are and what we are good at. Where our strength comes from, how we deal with obstacles and maybe even get an idea of what we want in life.

We’ve lost these rites. From early childhood, we go to school and often after many years we find out we are at the wrong place. When you feel like you are getting stuck, you could see this as a natural “rite of passage”, initiated by your sub consciousness. A human being needs a period of self-reflection to set his course. When it’s not provided it will appear by itself. If you are wondering what you are doing here, feeling empty or just having no idea of what you want, it might be time to create this space for yourself. Allow yourself this space, it’s a normal human need.

A burn-out is a crisis. A crisis is a possibility for change. People usually fear change, they tend to hold on to the familiar. This idea can be seen in society, only when the financial crisis is really growing out of proportion new alternatives bloom. In companies, there is always a group of seniors that fear change when new management takes over. And the individual prefers to stick with what he knows. You know what you have, not what you will have after changing. But Darwin said it’s not that strongest that survive, it’s the ones that can adapt to a changing environment. Besides, if you keep doing what you did you will get thee same results. You want better results. You will need to change.

You can use a crisis to develop something new, use the opportunity! I started writing this little book after tearing my meniscus. I couldn’t walk, working mostly as a sports instructor at the moment, which meant I couldn’t work and had no income. A great opportunity to start writing this book!

I hope I finished it and it has been helpful for you. Maybe you just read it once or maybe you read pats now and then. Maybe you try a few exercises and use some tips, maybe you do all of it. You might even use it as a guideline to your transformation process. Either way, I’m glad I’ve been able to offer it and I wish you fortune, wellbeing and faith in your future.

In case you have any questions, feel welcome to contact me at [email protected]. Remarks or ideas for additions are also very welcome, regretfully many people after you will stumble upon this problem. I gladly invite you te help me help them.

Michiel Hiemstra


mailto:[email protected]

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€¦ · Web viewPrevention is better than having to cure something. You don’t need to stuff things away either, cause there’s nothing strange about burning out. The Worlds