We Need to Talk:

Crucial Conversations

Denise Metzger Director of Studies, EF Education First

Sydney

16 June, 2016

the plan

1. What makes a conversation crucial?

2. How can we do them effectively?

3. How can we train others to do them well?

a story to start

Hugh

letting problems build, conflating separate issues

it’s escalating… • a critical conversation:

– high stakes

– varied opinions

– strong emotions

• planned / surprise!

• can include:

– performance management (up and down)

– customers

– colleagues

– external stakeholders

from… to… • I’m going to tell you what the problem is so

you can fix it.

• We need to address this problem and

figure out how we can fix it (because it’s

crucial).

mutual purpose • “What’s the

benefit to the

students?”

• “Do they trust

my motives /

my abilities?” (contingencies)

• dialogue, not

dictation

dialogue

• Requires trust, feeling safe

• Signs it’s not happening:

Silence

Masking

Avoiding

Withdrawing

Violence

Controlling

Labeling

Attacking

• What should we do when these happen?

position vs interest

Position (child): I want to live on land / touch the boat. Position (father): You can’t, I won’t let

you.

Interest (child): I want to explore. Interest (father): I want you to be safe.

storytelling

Between perception and

emotion is the story we tell

ourselves about what’s

happening.

Watch out for:

Victim stories

Villain stories

Helpless stories

What evidence can I see/ hear to support my

story?

How might I be contributing to this?

What could make a reasonable person do/ think this?

What would I do now if I really wanted s/t different?

a little application

• positions & interests

• possible mutual purpose

• examples of silence or violence (masking,

avoiding, withdrawing / controlling, labeling, attacking)

• examples of victim/ villain/ helpless stories

sensitive topics

• Share your facts

• Tell your story

• Ask for others’ perspectives

• Talk tentatively (not indirectly,

sugarcoating)

• Encourage testing

Hold to your belief; soften your approach.

sensitive topics

• Teacher & student situation…

making a decision • Command (I decide; I ask you to decide)

– If people can make the decision, let them.

• Consult (invite pp to influence my

decision) – Don’t fake this; explain the final decision

• Vote – Never use just to save time

• Consensus – Really high stakes with necessary buy-in

Who wants / needs to be involved?

making a decision

• Senior Teacher & teacher situation…

(command, consult, vote, consensus)

“People were always talking about how

mean this guy was who lived on our block.

But I decided to go see for myself. I went to

his door, but he said he wasn’t the mean

guy, the mean guy lived in that house over

there. ‘No, you stupid idiot,’ I said, ‘ that’s my

house.’”

~Jack Handy

self-reflection – high stakes

– varied opinions

– strong emotions

• Choose one...

– a teacher

– a student

– a colleagues

– my manager

• cause

• goals

• feelings

• conclusion

• outcome

• style under stress – physical

– emotional

– behavioural

– triggers?

• contingencies (different person, different day, different DoS?)

The people to fear are not those who disagree with you, but

those who disagree with you and are too cowardly to let you

know. -Napolean

If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.

-Ben Franklin

references

• Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when Stakes are High

Patterson, Grenny, McMillan & Switzler 2002

• Ringer, J. We have to talk: A step-by-step checklist for difficult

conversations. Retrieved on 15/6/2016 at

http://www.judyringer.com/resources/articles/we-have-to-talk-a-stepbystep-

checklist-for-difficult-conversations.php