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Want To Be A Good Dad? SupportMom And Avoid Father’s RightsGroupsFiled under Child Custody, Fathering, Paper.

By Trish WilsonReprinted with permission of the author

Over the past decade, fatherhood has been all the rage and dads are naturallythe talk of pundits on Father’s Day. So let’s say you’re a divorcing dad and you’rehaving trouble coping. You look for help on the internet and discover the father’srights movement.

Be warned – avoid father’s rights groups like the plague. According to the pro-feminist men’s group The National Organization For Men Against Sexism(NOMAS), “male supremacist groups (“Father’s Rights”) have causedunspeakable harm to our country and to our children by encouraging abusivefathers, often with little past involvement with their children, to seek custody asa tactic to pressure a mother to return or to punish her for leaving. “Sharedparenting”, “friendly parent”, involvement of both parents and other conceptsthat seem fair and benevolent have instead been used to manipulate courts andlegislatures to help abusive fathers. For instance, women are routinely deniedcustody of their children after being classified as “unfriendly” for asserting thatthe husband has abused them or their children.” Father’s rights groups prey onconfused men angry and sad over the break-up of their relationships by stokingtheir rage and insecurities. In addition, father’s rights groups encourage men tofight for custody of their children by using harmful tactics that further erodetheir relationships with their ex’s – and by extension their children.

How can a dad – unemployed or working outside the home – be a good father?Not by fighting for custody or demanding “shared parenting” after divorce orbreakup. The best way a dad can be a good father is by providing support to themother of his children, including both financial and emotional support. Accordingto Florida attorney Elizabeth Kates, “a father’s most important role, and the onecommon “father factor” in all research that indicates any correlation betweenfather involvement or presence and positive effect on child well-being is: a fatherwho emotionally cares for, financially supports, respects, is involved with, takessome of the work load off of, and generally makes life easier, happier and lessstressful for. . . his children’s mother.”

If dad wants to make sure his children thrive he must do whatever he can toensure that their mother is thriving. Stop fighting for “shared parenting” or solecustody if you are in court. Don’t badmouth their mother. Stop hiring paidmouthpieces that tout the latest psychological theory to show that the childrenare best off with a dad who had never acted as their primary caregiver. I knowthis will piss off lots of men but it is the truth.

Don’t believe me? How about the research?

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Don’t believe me? How about the research?

A seven-year study by Dallas’s Timberlawn Psychiatric Institute found the onefactor that was the most important in helping children become healthy, happyadults, was the quality of the relationship between their parents. This one factorwas more important than giving kids hugs, providing good discipline, buildingtheir self esteem, or any other aspect of what is traditionally considered ‘goodparenting’.” Other studies found that “the strongest single factor associated withresiliency in early years is social attachment to a primary caregiver. There isconsiderable evidence linking secure attachment to social and academiccompetence and positive developmental outcomes, such as improvedcommunication, problem-solving, social relationships and grades” and “the singlemost important determinant of child well-being after divorce is living in ahousehold with adequate income.”

Even the National Fatherhood Initiative agreed with the mother-needs-supportassessment when it found that “the best thing a dad can do for his children islove their mother.” Researcher Michael Lamb, known for his studies offatherhood, noted that “…the warmer, the richer, the more supportive therelationship he has with the mother, the better he is able to be a supportive andloving father for the child.”

So dads, the message is clear. If you want your children to grow up to be happyand healthy adults, the best thing you can do for them is to make sure thattheir mother is comfortable, healthy, and happy. When primary caregivingmoms thrive, children thrive. And happy children enjoy their fathers more.

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