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8/9/2019 Waiting for Owlman
1/31
Waiting for Owlman
by
Jeff Michael & Thom Fox
Jeff Michael & Thom Fox
8/9/2019 Waiting for Owlman
2/31
(A warehouse. Light pours in from a
skylight above. Centered under the
skylight is a large crate.)
(BIG and SEAN sit on small crates with
their backs to the crate under the
skylight. Sean has textbooks spread outon the floor and is scribbling in a
notebook. Big holds a baseball bat and
a crowbar before him.)
BIGGIE
Which one do you want?
SEAN
Im more of a bat man, myself.
BIGGIE
Hah, hah. Seriously, you dont want the bat, do you?
SEAN
Sure, if you dont mind.
BIGGIE
Well...
SEAN
What, you want the bat?
BIGGIE
Its just that I, well... I was kinda thinkin...
SEAN
We could flip for it.
BIGGIE
Yeah. Sure.
(Biggie reaches into the pocket of his
jumpsuit and pulls out a pair of
batting gloves. He tosses them on the
crate and fishes out a coin.)
SEAN
What are those?
BIGGIE
What?
SEAN
Are those batting gloves?
BIGGIE
Yeah. So?
8/9/2019 Waiting for Owlman
3/31
2.
SEAN
Whered you get em?
BIGGIE
The mall. Got this, too.
SEAN
What? What? What is that?
BIGGIE
You never seen pine tar?
SEAN
You bought all that yourself? Jesus, Biggie! I suppose a
helmet is next?
BIGGIE
No.
SEAN
You wearing cleats? You might need to steal second base
later.
BIGGIE
Look Sean, I got seniority...
SEAN
You got the gloves.
BIGGIE
Here.
(He offers Sean the crowbar.)
SEAN
I thought we were gonna flip for it.
BIGGIE
I got the gloves.
SEAN
I want heads.
BIGGIEYoure always heads. I want heads.
SEAN
Youre flipping the coin. I get to call it.
BIGGIE
I just got the coin out. That doesnt mean Im flipping it.
8/9/2019 Waiting for Owlman
4/31
3.
SEAN
Flip the coin, Biggie.
BIGGIE
How do we know which side is heads anymore? One sides got
George Washington, the other side has... The old man of themountain.
SEAN
So, its Delawares state quarter.
BIGGIE
New Hampshire.
SEAN
Oh, excuse me. I guess you get the bat, since you have the
quarter right there in front of you and can read the state
right off of it.
BIGGIE
Okay then.
SEAN
I was kidding. Flip the coin.
BIGGIE
So what was heads?
SEAN
George Washington is always heads. That other thing is just a
rock.
BIGGIE
Live free or die it says. Looks like a head.
SEAN
Flip it!
(Biggie flips the coin.)
BIGGIE
Yeah! Rock it is! Live free or die!
(Biggie tosses crowbar on the crate infront of Sean and puts on the gloves.)
SEAN
Whatever. Hell just take it away from you again anyway.
(Pause.)
BIGGIE
I got pine tar.
8/9/2019 Waiting for Owlman
5/31
4.
SEAN
Ohh. I see. So youre suggesting that the reason Owlman
repeatedly takes the bat away from you and kicks your ass
with it is because its slippery?
BIGGIEMaybe.
SEAN
I think not. My contention is that Owlman takes the bat away
from you and kicks your ass with it not because its
slippery, but because hes Owlman, and youre... Biggie.
BIGGIE
And the reason you get your ass beat with the crowbar?
SEAN
It hurts your hands when you hit something with it.
BIGGIE
How would you know?
SEAN
Ive hit Owlman just as much as you have.
BIGGIE
Bull.
SEAN
Hey, when I worked for The Death Merchant, I hit Owlman lots
of times. Thats why he never tangles with me now.
BIGGIE
He doesnt tangle with you, he kicks you in the face and
walks away.
SEAN
He remembers me.
BIGGIE
Yeah?
SEAN
Oh yeah. He knows my name.
BIGGIE
Right. Sean OMeara, the most feared hygienist henchman in
Stark City.
SEAN
Oh, I get my punches in on Owlman.
8/9/2019 Waiting for Owlman
6/31
5.
BIGGIE
Yeah, well, well see when he gets here.
(Both slowly look up to the skylight
behind them.)
(A beat.)
SEAN
Hes just gonna kick our asses again, anyway.
BIGGIE
Hes not so tough.
SEAN
Hes a super hero! Were lackeys! Hes gonna beat us. He
always does.
BIGGIEYou cant just quit. You need to keep your head in the game.
Opportunities will come up, and you have to be there to jump
on em. Tonight could be the night. Mr. Nefarious killed two
of the Splendid Six.
SEAN
Biggie, we dont work for Mr. Nefarious. We work for Dr.
Misfortune. Dr. Misfortune. I mean, dont get me wrong, hes
a great boss, the benefits are great, pays okay, but Mr.
Nefarious he aint.
BIGGIE
He gets his share of headlines. And after tonight...
SEAN
After tonight well be on crutches for a month.
BIGGIE
Did you ever think the reason we dont win is because of your
attitude?
SEAN
The reason we dont win is because we dont fight as a team.
We take turns.
BIGGIE
Were a one-two punch. You soften him up, get his fists all
sore, and I come in with the baseball bat. Im the clean-up
hitter.
SEAN
The truth is, wed have a way better chance if we ganged up
on him. Both of us at once.
8/9/2019 Waiting for Owlman
7/31
6.
BIGGIE
I dont think so. If we do that, he could take us both with
the same gadget. You know, he could have a gas bomb in his
utility belt or something. If one of us hangs back...
SEANYou keep sayin that.
BIGGIE
What?
SEAN
You know what.
BIGGIE
Fine then.
(Pause.)
SEAN
All right, Ill tell you what. You dont want to do it
together.
BIGGIE
Say what?
SEAN
You wanna take him yourself. Youd rather fight him alone and
lose than take him down with my help.
BIGGIE
Thats stupid.
SEAN
Yes it certainly is.
BIGGIE
Why would I wanna get my ass kicked?
SEAN
I think you honestly feel like you have a chance.
BIGGIE
And you dont? If thats your attitude, then why stay and doit?
SEAN
Why do you think Im studying to be a hygienist? My doctor
said if I have any more concussions...
BIGGIE
Steve Young had twelve concussions.
8/9/2019 Waiting for Owlman
8/31
7.
SEAN
He had a team behind him.
BIGGIE
So youre suggesting something?
SEAN
Im saying it. The bonus.
BIGGIE
Right. Of course. The bonus.
SEAN
Yes the bonus. You dont want to share it.
BIGGIE
We coulda got the bonus for the Mouse.
SEANDont start on that. And its not the Mouse. Its just
Mouse. Owlman and Mouse.
BIGGIE
The bonus for her is twenty five. Pretty good. Too bad.
SEAN
Yeah. Its too bad. Too bad that shes thirteen, and I didnt
want to brain her with a steel crowbar. Too bad.
BIGGIE
Shes not thirteen.
SEAN
If shes not thirteen, shes twelve. Im supposed bash a kid?
BIGGIE
Shes eighteen if shes a day. Owlman wouldnt trust his back
to a thirteen year old.
SEAN
What do you mean, trust his back? Hes always rescuing her.
Shes probably his kid.
BIGGIEMaybe...
SEAN
Now thats not cool.
BIGGIE
Hey, Ive been close to that costume. Girls got some thighs
on her.
8/9/2019 Waiting for Owlman
9/31
8.
SEAN
Oh, so I suppose you would...
BIGGIE
Hey. Im a married man. Ive got a daughter of my own.
(Pause.)
SEAN
How is she?
BIGGIE
Shes good. Ever since this Mia Hamm thing, shes totally
into soccer. But its cool. I dont mind it.
SEAN
Good, good. Whats she, fourth grade?
BIGGIEFifth.
SEAN
So shes older than Mouse.
BIGGIE
Listen!
SEAN
You listen! I wouldnt have gotten written up if you wouldnt
have told the boss everything that happened.
BIGGIEI wasnt gonna lie.
SEAN
Oh, I see. Bank robbery, assault, its okay. But I draw the
line at lying. And Im not asking you to lie, anyway. All you
had to say was, She got away. Not She got away because
Sean didnt want to club a twelve year old to death with a
steel pin.
BIGGIE
So, one writeup. Big deal.
SEAN
Big deal? You know what happens after my next writeup? Some
teamwork.
BIGGIE
Ah, were back to teamwork.
SEAN
Were still at no teamwork.
8/9/2019 Waiting for Owlman
10/31
9.
BIGGIE
You know, technically, Im your superior.
SEAN
Technically? Technically shit. Youre a henchman. Im a
henchman. No technically. Theres no head henchman. Theresno assistant henchman. No associate henchman. No lieutenant
henchman. No shift supervisor, no kidnapping department
coordinator, no Vice President of Owlman Luring and Assault
Operations. You, me; thugs.
BIGGIE
Yeah, but...
SEAN
But what?
BIGGIE
I got the bat!
SEAN
I got the crowbar! Bring it!
BIGGIE
Wait a second.
(Biggie gets a rag with pine tar on it
and applies it to the bats handle.)
(Dr. Misfortune enters.)
DR. MISFORTUNEIs he here?
(Biggie and Sean cast frantic glances
up at the skylight.)
DR. MISFORTUNE
What are you doing? Youre supposed to be there, with your
backs to the crate!
(The henchmen return to their original
positions at the crate.)
BIGGIE
Sorry about that, boss.
SEAN
Sorry, Dr. Misfortune.
DR. MISFORTUNE
Bitzeweitz, stay with the crate. OMeara, I need to talk to
you over here.
8/9/2019 Waiting for Owlman
11/31
10.
(Sean crosses over to a small desk
where Dr. Misfortune offers him a
seat.)
DR. MISFORTUNE
This is the writeup for you to sign. It includes everythingwe talked about. Read it over if you like, and Ill need you
to sign it.
SEAN
Yes sir.
(reads)
Sean OMeara failed to perform his assigned duties as
specified in his employee contract under subsection D,
sidekick killing, and has been issued an official
reprimand...
I cant believe I was supposed to kill her.
DR. MISFORTUNEOMeara, youve really got to read your employee handbook.
Under the bylaws, sidekicks of superheroes are the only ones
we can kill outright. And when those opportunities come up,
weve got to take advantage of them. I cant stress that
point enough.
SEAN
(reading)
Ninety days probation?!
DR. MISFORTUNE
Listen, Sean, youre an asset to the organization. We want to
keep you. But if I dont see some improvement in this area,Im afraid Ill have to cut off your finger.
SEAN
Ah, come on!
DR. MISFORTUNE
Im sorry. My hands are tied on this one. Its in the
handbook. You signed the acknowledgement that you read it.
Now if you didnt read it, thats unfortunate, because you
did sign the acknowledgement.
SEANWhich finger?
DR. MISFORTUNE
Second writeup is the pinky of your off hand. It could be
worse. But it wont come to that, I know it. Youre gonna
shape up. I have faith in you. Any other questions or
concerns?
8/9/2019 Waiting for Owlman
12/31
11.
SEAN
No sir.
DR. MISFORTUNE
Okay. Ill take the top copy, the pink one is yours. Now
lets get that Owlman tonight! Let earn that bonus!(He crosses over to the crate
under the skylight.)
Any sign of him?
BIGGIE
No, boss.
DR. MISFORTUNE
Help me get the lid off this. Careful.
(Misfortune and Biggie open the lid of
the crate and peer inside.)
DR. MISFORTUNE
Its looking good.
BIGGIE
That stuffll hold him?
DR. MISFORTUNE
Long enough for you two to club him over the head, yes.
BIGGIE
Stuff smells funny.
DR. MISFORTUNESomething does. Smells like pine tar. Hm. Lid.
BIGGIE
Here we go.
DR. MISFORTUNE
This Styrofoam looks good. When he crashes through the
skylight, he ought to crash right through that, too. Looks
just like wood. Nice work on that, Sean.
SEAN
Thanks.
BIGGIE
I helped.
DR. MISFORTUNE
And thanks for your help with the web site.
SEAN
No problem.
8/9/2019 Waiting for Owlman
13/31
12.
DR. MISFORTUNE
I never could get the hang of that html. Not all scientists
are good with computers. Im the wrong kind of geek.
BIGGIE
BWAAHAAHAAHAA!
(Pause.)
DR. MISFORTUNE
Um, okay. So be vigilant. And stay in those seats. This is a
trap, remember.
BIGGIE
Yes boss.
SEAN
Thank you, Dr. Misfortune.
(Dr. Misfortune exits.)
(Sean reads from his textbooks. Big
drums his fingers on the box.)
BIGGIE
Hes late, huh?
SEAN
Mhh-hm.
(Pause.)
BIGGIE
Hey.
SEAN
What?
BIGGIE
You reading?
(Sean holds up his book and gestures to
it.)
BIGGIE
Oh. Cause I didnt know if you were just pretending... you
know, for the trap.
SEAN
I have a test tomorrow.
8/9/2019 Waiting for Owlman
14/31
13.
BIGGIE
Hm.
(Pause.)
Hot in here, huh?
(Pause.)
These jumpsuits are kind of heavy.
SEAN
I have a test tomorrow.
BIGGIE
Right.
(Pause.)
Think this jumpsuit is a little tight around my gut?
SEAN
You better sit back down.
BIGGIENeah. You think the pant legs are a little short? Are yours?
SEAN
I have. A test. Tomorrow. Me take. Test.
BIGGIE
Is it hard?
SEAN
Yes.
BIGGIE
Have you had your break? Youre supposed to have one every...
SEAN
(over)
...Every four hours, yes.
BIGGIE
Man these uniforms.
SEAN
Were back to uniforms.
BIGGIEHow was the dress code when you worked for the death
Merchant? You guys have to crease your sleeves over there?
... Sean?
SEAN
Molar, impactor, canine, wisdom. The nine symptoms of
gingivitis are...
8/9/2019 Waiting for Owlman
15/31
14.
BIGGIE
At least we dont work for the Gnome.
SEAN
Bleeding gums...
BIGGIE
Those little pointy shoes he makes those guys wear.
SEAN
Chronic halitosis...
BIGGIE
And the green jerkins. Heh. Jerkins.
(Pause.)
SEAN
ITS THE HATS!!! The red pointy hats!
BIGGIE
Yeah, the hats!
SEAN
They have no credibility. Its like a fourth grade Christmas
pageant. You think Owlman is scared of those hats? How do
they hold up a bank in hats like that? Attack of the cone-
heads! They walk in, the tellers think its road
construction.
BIGGIE
Oh man. Yeah. Those hats. Poor bastards. See, arent you gladyou work for Dr. Misfortune?
SEAN
Oh! Here he comes!
(Biggie leaps to sit in his chair.)
SEAN
Psyche!
BIGGIE
Hmmph. Hey. You want a Coke?
SEAN
Sure.
BIGGIE
I got some in the cooler.
SEAN
Har. Har.
8/9/2019 Waiting for Owlman
16/31
15.
BIGGIE
Get me one too, would ya?
(Pause)
What? I bought em.
(Pause.)
Ah, hell.
(Biggie stands and crosses to the
cooler. He opens a Coke and also puts a
heavy donut on his bat.)
SEAN
You call that a swing?
BIGGIE
What?
SEAN
Bleeding gums...
BIGGIE
My high school team went to State.
SEAN
You get a letter for being equipment manager?
BIGGIE
I hit .380.
SEAN
Not swingin like that you didnt. Here . . . Ill give it
back. I promise.
BIGGIE
You promise?
SEAN
For gods sake.
BIGGIE
Allright. All right. I gotta see the... the... the tooth
nurse take a swing.
(Biggie sits.)
SEAN
See, you gotta keep your elbow high and make your step in--
BIGGIE
BOSSS! BOSSS!
8/9/2019 Waiting for Owlman
17/31
16.
(MORE)
(Sean, caught off guard, looks around
frantically before bolting back to his
seat. He dives into place just as Dr.
Misfortune rushes in.)
DR. MISFORTUNEWhat? Whats going on?
BIGGIE
Um. I thought I heard Owlman.
(Pause.)
DR. MISFORTUNE
You wont hear Owlman. You will be taken by surprise, with
your back to the skylight, which will shatter, showering you
with bits of broken glass. Then he will land on that crate,
go right through the false lid, and be ensnared in the vat.
BIGGIE
In the goo.
DR. MISFORTUNE
In the goo, yes. Then you will club him with the... I see
Sean has the baseball bat, so you will brain him with the
crowbar.
BIGGIE
But I had the bat...
DR. MISFORTUNE
Must I be the kind of villain who has repeat his plan adnauseam? Cant I count on you to listen the first time?
BIGGIE
Sorry, but I just had the...
DR. MISFORTUNE
The whole plan depends on this. I have to have Owlman here,
tied to a chair, or the whole thing is pointless. What were
talking about here is synergy between science and art. Were
doing bold new things in the field of costumed crime. But
this delicate process is meaningless without someone who can
fully appreciate it. No offense. It has to be Owlman. Hesnot my enemy because I want him dead, hes my enemy because
hes my intellectual equal. If I wanted him dead, I could
hire a long-range sniper anytime and have him picked off. The
Owlmobile is kind of hard to miss prowling the streets of
Stark City. But the point is to get him here, tied to the
chair, and reveal my plan to him. And when I do that,
therell be fear in his eyes. Which is gratifying. But behind
that fear will be respect. Fear. Respect. Bonded together
like a chain of polymers, unbreakable.
8/9/2019 Waiting for Owlman
18/31
17.
DR. MISFORTUNE(CONT'D)
(MORE)
And just before I gas him and half the city to death, I will
know that by God, finally, my genius has been recognized. And
thats why I do this. And you two can be a part of it. You
can facilitate the death of Owlman, for the organization. It
will be us. Not the Death Merchant, not the Gnome, and
certainly not that technology-stealing hack Mr. Nefarious.
And you two will split the bonus. This is a very excitingopportunity for us. Please, stay focused. Any questions?
BIGGIE
What about the Mouse?
DR. MISFORTUNE
Its not the Mouse. Its just Mouse. Owlman and Mouse. And
if she shows up, you will kill her, because its in our
charter, and its procedure, and because its part of the
plan.
BIGGIE
But OMeara says shes thirteen.
DR. MISFORTUNE
I have been battling Owlman and Mouse since 1952. I hardly
think she could still be thirteen.
(He crosses to exit.)
Oh. Remember to take your breaks. You get ten minutes every
four hours.
(He exits.)
BIGGIE
Whoah.
SEANYoure a dick.
BIGGIE
Hey!
SEAN
Ive got to study.
(Pause.)
BIGGIE
Why do you suppose hes Owlman?
SEAN
What?
BIGGIE
Owlman. Owl man. Man owl. Man who is an owl. The hunter in
the night. Wise old owl. Hoot owl. Barn owl. Who is Owlman?
Who is the Mouse? I mean Mouse. Who is Mouse? And dont
owls eat mice?
8/9/2019 Waiting for Owlman
19/31
18.
BIGGIE(CONT'D)
(pause)
Owlman. Who knows when evil is afoot? The wise owl knows.
Because Owlman has eyes in the back of his head.
SEAN
Jiminy Freakin Christmas! Can you please shut the hole in
your face for two minutes? Please?
BIGGIE
Sorry.
SEAN
He doesnt have eyes in the back of his head. Owls dont have
eyes in the back of their head.
BIGGIE
But they can turn their head all the--
SEAN
And he doesnt have the powers of an owl! Hes just a guy inan owl suit! With gadgets. And hes wise. Wise.
BIGGIE
And he works at night.
SEAN
Yesss. Yes. He works at night. Yes. Hence, Owlman.
(Pause.)
BIGGIE
Im not so sure about the eyes. He knew when I was sneakin
up behind him, and he...
SEAN
He took the bat away from you and he kicked your ass with it.
(Pause. Big starts applying pine tar to
the crowbar.)
BIGGIE
Sean, I didnt mean to get you in trouble. Sorry.
SEAN
Whatever.
BIGGIE
Tracys pregnant.
(Pause.)
SEAN
Oh. Hey, congratulations.
8/9/2019 Waiting for Owlman
20/31
19.
BIGGIE
Thanks.
SEAN
She gonna quit her job or...
BIGGIE
She already did. A while ago.
SEAN
Well, good luck.
(pause)
Zbigniev Bitzewietz, father of two.
BIGGIE
That dental hygienist stuff, that pay pretty good?
SEAN
You have to get the certificate first.
BIGGIE
Well yeah. Yeah. You gotta have your hands in peoples mouths
all day.
SEAN
Yeah. But hey, you know. Better than gettin your ass kicked.
BIGGIE
I used to sell TVs at Best Buy for seven fifty. Now we get
eighteen and a half to steal some chemicals, push around
barrels of poison gas, mix up vats of goo- hell, Ill wear a
jumpsuit and get beat up once in a while.
SEAN
Eighteen fifty. Huh.
BIGGIE
What?
SEAN
Nothing.
BIGGIE
He doesnt pay you eighteen fifty?
SEAN
No. No he doesnt.
BIGGIE
Oh. Doesnt matter. Im movin up after tonight anyway.
SEAN
Zat so?
8/9/2019 Waiting for Owlman
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20.
BIGGIE
Well yeah.
SEAN
With Dr. Misfortune? You think?
BIGGIE
Ah no. I mean, for a while. But I got a family to feed. You
know. And one of the henchmen who took out Owlman. Thats
management potential. Ill have options.
SEAN
Oh options. Sure. Options. What kind of options would those
be? Ad in Soldier of Fortune? Doin some freelance?
BIGGIE
Yeah, may be.
SEANYeah, okay, Biggie. But keep your night job.
BIGGIE
The guy who takes out Owlman will be a star! I could do
anything I want. Get my own outfit.
SEAN
Whoah, whoah whoah whoah. Let me get this straight. Zbigniev,
Bitzeweitz, leader of men. Criminal Mastermind!
BIGGIE
Well Im not gonna go by my real name. Nobody goes by their
real name.
SEAN
Oh ho! So what is this fearful moniker that will strike
terror in the hearts of champions?
BIGGIE
Kickin around a few ideas.
SEAN
Lets hear it.
BIGGIEWell, I like Dr. Manslaughter. You know, first degree.
SEAN
Yes! Thankyou god!
BIGGIE
Hey!
8/9/2019 Waiting for Owlman
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21.
SEAN
Ah, Ah, oh, let me get my breath. Hold on-- Ah yeah. Yeah.
Okay. Now, traditionally when one is addressed with the title
doctor that person has either attained accreditation to
practice the medical arts, or obtained a doctor of philosophy
degree in their chosen field. To wit, Bitzeweitz: Dr.Misfortune. While, he has not obtained said degree in the
field of bad luck yet, he does hold doctoral degrees in the
fields of biochemistry and pharmacology. This phenomena is
further evidenced by one Dr. Dread, who has a Ph.D. in
parapsychology. All of the Dr. villains are likewise degreed.
BIGGIE
Dr. Chimera.
SEAN
No. Oh no. Him too. He has a Ph.D. in Mythology and folklore
from Ohio State.
BIGGIE
Dr. Crack?
SEAN
Chiropractor.
BIGGIE
Well it doesnt have to be Dr. Manslaughter. That was just
one idea. How about Professor Pain?
SEAN
Ah, my poor dear pupil. Its the same principle. To be a
professor you at least have to have a Masters degree. Take,for example, Mr. Nefarious. No degree. Thus, Mr.
BIGGIE
So... Mr. Pain?
SEAN
Mr. Pain is a pro-wrestler. No, I think your sobriquet
demands an action verb.
BIGGIE
Yeah. Like... Um... run, drive, fish, swim--Mr. Punch!
SEAN
Yeah, yeah, and your sidekick Kool-Aid. No not like Mr.
Punch. Like just, The Puncher. But better than that.
BIGGIE
Ohhh. Yeah. Yeah. The Basher. The Smasher. The... the... car
crasher.
8/9/2019 Waiting for Owlman
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22.
SEAN
Think polysyllabic.
(Pause.)
You know, the Eradicator. The Annihilator.
BIGGIEThe Slugger! Thats what it is. The Slugger!
SEAN
Yeah. Thats great. Now if only you had a bat.
(Pause.)
BIGGIE
You Sword swallowing Mother--
SEAN
Aht! Now! The handbook. Section 3, Henchman comportment. Page
18. No words forbidden by the comics code authority will bespoken by any henchman in public while in the employ of Dr.
Misfortune or his affiliates.
BIGGIE
Hmmph.
SEAN
Wouldnt want you to get written up. Now then, while were on
the subject of your imminent advancement, just what is the
M.O. of The Slugger? I suppose costume-wise something
vaguely baseball themed would be appropriate. So what would
your caper be?
BIGGIE
Im not gonna wear one.
SEAN
No, no, I mean... oh.
BIGGIE
I dont have a caper. Because thats gay. I have a plan.
SEAN
Okay, and what is it? Poison the beer in General Admission at
the world series?
BIGGIE
No. Id... Id kidnap George Steinbrenner.
SEAN
No one would pay the ransom.
BIGGIE
Ted Turner--no wait. Cal Ripken Jr.
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23.
SEAN
So you kidnap Cal Ripken Jr. Fiendishly clever. And you
demand...
BIGGIE
A ban on inter-league play! And revenue sharing. Protectionfor the small market teams.
SEAN
This is a villain were talking about here, right?
BIGGIE
Hey, kidnapping is a federal offense.
SEAN
Well. Your dream will never come true if Owlman doesnt show
up and fall into our trap.
(They look at each other and cross backto their seats at the crate.)
BIGGIE
Where is he?
SEAN
Maybe hes tied up.
BIGGIE
You mean, like Mr. Nefarious...?
SEAN
No, not that kind of tied up. Just busy. Who knows? Maybelogging has threatened his habitat.
(Biggie chuckles, Sean sighs.)
BIGGIE
Hes probably working out.
SEAN
No doubt. The pecs on that guy...
BIGGIE
Abs! How do you get abs like that?
SEAN
Maybe theyre fake, you know, like its a rubber suit or
something.
BIGGIE
That would be gay.
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24.
SEAN
Who says he isnt?
BIGGIE
Come on. Owlman? And Mouse?
SEAN
Shes thirteen! I dont care what Dr. M says.
BIGGIE
My little girls eleven. Thats not too far off.
(sigh)
Thank God for my family. If I didnt have a wife to come home
to, Id be miserable. Workin a night job... And workin
here, hell, where would I meet anyone? Most people meet each
other through work.
SEAN
Yeah.
BIGGIE
But we dont meet any women through work. And if we did,
theyd either be tryin to catch us, or theyd be our
victims. Either way, they aint goin home with us.
(pause)
Thank God for Tracy.
(pause)
You seein anyone since that last girl, whats her name?
SEAN
Lisa.
BIGGIE
Lisa, right.
SEAN
No.
BIGGIE
Oh. You doin okay, though? You gettin out?
SEAN
Yes. Sometimes. I get out.
BIGGIE
Cool. You deserve it. Get out, meet a nice girl... You cant
miss those opportunities...
SEAN
I know, I know.
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25.
BIGGIE
Its too bad about that Lisa. But you know, if you love
someone, you got to set them free.
SEAN
SHES THIRTEEN!!! Shes a kid! I let her go! I did it.Because Im not the kind of scumbag who brains a kid, a girl,
with a crowbar! Im not hot for her. Shes thirteen.
BIGGIE
Whoah, whoah. Easy. Dont throw the bat. You chipped it, look
at this.
SEAN
Keep the stupid bat.
(Sean takes his seat and wipes pine tar
from his hands.)
(Dr. Misfortune rushes in.)
DR. MISFORTUNE
What is this? What is going on? Is it him?
BIGGIE
No, no. He hasnt shown.
DR. MISFORTUNE
Where is he? Hes an hour late. An hour. Late.
SEAN
Im sure hes...
DR. MISFORTUNE
Did you leave all the clues?
BIGGIE
Yes sir, boss.
DR. MISFORTUNE
You broke the mirror?
BIGGIE
I did it.
DR. MISFORTUNE
And you left the open umbrella inside the chemical plant?
SEAN
That one was mine.
DR. MISFORTUNE
And the black cat?
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26.
BIGGIE
Commissioners doorstep. Did it personally.
DR. MISFORTUNE
What about the three-leafed clovers?
BIGGIE
Yeah, what about the clovers?
SEAN
I put em every place you told me.
BIGGIE
You sure? I mean, Im sure you did, but I didnt see that. I
know you did.
SEAN
You were there.
BIGGIE
But not when you did the clovers, cause I dont remember
seeing them. But Im sure you were all over it.
DR. MISFORTUNE
What do I have to do? Write a note? Get a billboard? Cant
any of these heroes decipher clues anymore?
SEAN
You played it right, Dr. Misfortune. You dont wanna be too
obvious.
DR. MISFORTUNEApparently I cant be obvious enough! How do I get this mans
attention?
BIGGIE
You got his attention. You know, hes just... busy.
SEAN
Im sure the Owl signal is up.
DR. MISFORTUNE
Im preparing to gas the city! He didnt get busy. Busy is
fighting me, here. So dont tell me hes busy.
BIGGIE
So what if he doesnt, you know...
SEAN
You gonna go ahead and poison Stark City? Or what?
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27.
DR. MISFORTUNE
I have told you repeatedly that before anything else, I have
to have Owlman here, in my clutches.
BIGGIE
So you can unmask him.
DR. MISFORTUNE
You people have no idea what it takes to be a criminal
mastermind. No, you dont unmask him! What possible purpose
could that serve? Is that supposed to represent some kind of
victory? To know his secret identity? Dont you see how that
undoes all of my work? I dont want to know. So, what, I
unmask him, and I find out hes what? A second-grade teacher?
A mild-mannered reporter? A photographer for The Bugle? Or,
ooh, how about this, a spoiled rich pretty boy millionaire.
Thats great. Ive been thwarted dozens of times by Joe
Schmoe the accountant! No! Ive been thwarted by Owlman.
Owlman is my enemy, not the guy under that mask. Whoever elsehe is, I dont care. I want Owlman. Not the mailman.
BIGGIE
But you could, you know, find out where he lives and, I dont
know, kill him?
DR. MISFORTUNE
In his home? What? He doesnt come to my house. Hes never
gotten my wife up at two in the morning. He doesnt care
about Dr. Bob Davison. He cares about Dr. Misfortune!
(Pause.)
SEAN
What do you want us to do?
DR. MISFORTUNE
I dont know, look busy! Figure out a way to get that tight-
wearing fruitloop here now!
SEAN
Just kill somebody. An old woman or something. Hell come.
DR. MISFORTUNE
Were about to gas half the city and he doesnt care. Whydoes he care about one old woman?
BIGGIE
Well, make it a woman he knows. Kill his mom.
DR. MISFORTUNE
And I suppose well just ask him what nursing home he keeps
her in? Besides, he obviously has no mother.
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28.
BIGGIE
What?
DR. MISFORTUNE
Hes clearly suffering from what I call a post-Lacanian
separation trauma. I wrote my thesis on it. Owlman was raisedby a single male. Maybe an uncle, but more likely a non-
relative. Maybe a servant.
SEAN
Ph.D.
BIGGIE
Well I say we just kidnap his sidekick again. Hope she
doesnt get away.
SEAN
You can SUCK MY BIG HAIRY BEANBAG!
BIGGIE
Handbook section three on henchman comportment--
DR. MISFORTUNE
Thankyou, thank you, for reminding so vividly why I do the
thinking around here. Your suggestions are noted. Now. Get
back on those chairs. Do not even so much as glance at that
sky light. And dont let me hear another peep! Hes coming
any minute. Hes coming.
(Misfortune exits. Long pause.)
BIGGIEYou think hes coming?
(Pause)
SEAN
If he doesnt come...
BIGGIE
Hes coming. Why wouldnt he?
SEAN
Well... He has... um...
BIGGIE
Yeah. See? Hes coming.
SEAN
But if he doesnt?
BIGGIE
What?
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29.
SEAN
Than what are we?
BIGGIE
Well, were... Hes coming.
SEAN
We aint jack, thats what. We dont even rate.
BIGGIE
Hey. We work for Dr. Misfortune.
SEAN
Biggie. Were lackeys. He was never coming because of us
anyway. If he isnt coming, its because the doctor isnt
worth his time.
BIGGIE
No, now the Doctor, hes a genius.
SEAN
Hes a third rate villain with a lab coat for a costume. If
he had a slick suit like Mr. Nefarious... but no. He lacks
imagination.
BIGGIE
He might lack in fashion, but...
SEAN
Man, hes a flunky. Hes going to gas the city and Owlman
doesnt even think thats threatening enough to show up. Hes
a flunky, Biggie. And were his flunkies. Were like benchwarmers in double-A ball, slugger.
(The doctor enters. Pause.)
DR. MISFORTUNE
Well guys...
BIGGIE
Theres tomorrow.
DR. MISFORTUNE
No. Theres not. Tomorrow is Saturday the fourteenth. Im Dr.Misfortune. I do not carry out diabolical plots on Saturday
the fourteenth. Im the Baron of Bad Luck. The Master of
Mishap. The Titan of Tough breaks. So no. No. There is not
tomorrow.
(The sound of a bird is heard. Could be
a coo, could be a who. Sean and
Biggie freeze. Dr. M crouches in the
shadows.)
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30.
(Silence. Forty-five agonizing
seconds.)
(Gradually, they stir.)
SEANSo uh, Yeah. I got this test in the morning. Guess Ill
should get on the road.
BIGGIE
Yeah. Me too. You know. Kids got a soccer game tomorrow,
and...
DR. MISFORTUNE
Sure. Sure. Dont forget to clock out. See you Monday.
BIGGIE
Yeah, I wont be in til four-thirty because I got that
ultrasound, remember?
DR. MISFORTUNE
Did you mark it in the Wish book?
BIGGIE
Yeah. Yeah, good night.
DR. MISFORTUNE
Night, fellas.
SEAN
Hey, have a nice weekend, Dr. Misfortune.
DR. MISFORTUNE
Thanks. Sean, hey, on your test... good luck.
(Sean and Biggie exit. Dr. Misfortune
sits in silence as the LIGHTS FADE.)
THE END.