Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology

Rose-Hulman Scholar Rose-Hulman Scholar

The Rose Thorn Archive Student Newspaper

Spring 3-31-1989

Volume 24 - Issue 20b - Friday, March 31, 1989 Volume 24 - Issue 20b - Friday, March 31, 1989

Rose Thorn Staff Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology, library@rose-hulman.edu

Follow this and additional works at: https://scholar.rose-hulman.edu/rosethorn

Recommended Citation Recommended Citation Rose Thorn Staff, "Volume 24 - Issue 20b - Friday, March 31, 1989" (1989). The Rose Thorn Archive. 755. https://scholar.rose-hulman.edu/rosethorn/755

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FRIDAY, MAR. 31, 1989 Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology Vol. 24, No. 20b

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News BriefsRendel resigns as intramural

director, baseball coachJim Rendel recently re-

signed as intramural directorand baseball coach at Rose-Hulman due to health rea-sons, according to Rose-Hulman president Samuel F.Hulbert.The resignation goes into

effect immediately. Assistantcoach, George Patterson willcoach the baseball teamthrough the rest of the 1989season.

Rendell has been a familiarface in Rose-Hulman ath-letics, coaching the baseballteam for the past 13 seasonsand the soccer team for a ten-year span -- from the squad'sinception in 1978 until 1987. Hehas been intramural directorsince 1976.

Rendel's 21-year baseballcoaching record is 294-403, in-cluding a 116-141 mark ineight years at Indiana StateUniversity. Rose had its bestseason under Rendel's leader-ship in 1980, when the Engi-neers had a 16-12 record. Theteam also had a 20-win seasonin 1987. Rose-Hulman's soccerteams had a 43-102 record un-der Rendel's tenure.

Rose-Hulman's soccer play-ers honored Rendel's tirelessefforts last fall, naming theteam's Most Valuable Player

Jim Rendel

Trophy in honor of their form-er coach."Jim Rendel has always

been a model person andcoach for Rose-Hulman stu-dents," Hulbert said. "He wasan outstanding teacher, pass-ing along invaluable skillsabout life and athletics to ourstudents."

Athletic Director Gene Mitzsaid: "Jim has been a dedi-cated educator and baseballcoach who always committedhimself to the betterment ofRose-Hulman students. Thosestudents — past and present— always appreciated thecontributions Jim made — onand off the baseball diamond— in their college careers."

Rose offers unique look at Russianlife during study abroad programWorking on a farm in a re-

gion of Russia known as Cos-sak Country and taking les-sons from the famous Krasno-dar Chess Club are not activi-ties usually on the schedule ofa college-sponsored studyabroad program.But then, the four-week

Russian language programplanned by Rose professorPeter Priest is not your typi-cal academic-oriented trip tothe Soviet Union.Priest is accepting registra-

tions for the tour which beginsJuly 12 and will return Aug. 8."Why study in Krasnodar?

Because the city is closer tothe way Russia really is. It isideal for learning the Russianlanguage because it is amoderate-sized city off thetourist routes," Priest ex-plained. This will be the sixthsuch trip to the Soviet Unionhe has conducted."Can you imagine the kind

of distorted picture of Amer-ica visitors get if they onlyvisit New York City orWashington, D.C.?" Priestasked."Our first trip to Krasnador

last year convinced me thatthe students learned moreRussian and made more last-ing contacts as a result of ourthree weeks in the city,"Priest added.He described it as a people-

centered program."Extra curricular activities

will enhance a student's abil-ity to learn the language.Whether it be bargaining overthe sale of fruit at the farm-er's market or dancing withRussians in the park, the pro-gram is geared to provide agreat deal of interaction withthe Russian people," he said.Participants will also get a

rare opportunity to work on aRussian farm at harvest time."Many people have been

transferred to Armenia tohelp with the cleanup andrebuilding after the earth-quake. This year, studentswill have the opportunity tospend one day or severalweeks working as a volunteeron a Russian farm," Priestsaid.

Persons interested in moreinformation can contactPriest by calling 877-8280.

Spence Receives Army AwardCadet Robert A. Spence, a in electrical engineering and

junior at Rose-Hulman, has pursuing a technical trans-been selected by the U.S. lator's certificate. Last sum-Army to receive the Amer- mer, Spence spent six weeksican Logistics Association in Europe studying Russianaward for 1989. and German with an Army in-The award is given an- telligence group.

nually to outstanding cadets He currently holds the rankenrolled in the Army Reserve of first sergeant in theOfficer's Training Corps. The Wabash Battalion, the largestcadet must be in the top 25 ROTC battalion in the Unitedpercent of his or her class States.academically and be recom- The award, consisting of amended by a professor of mil- medal and certificate, will beitary science, presented during the annualSpence is a ROTC scholar- Wabash Battalion spring re-

ship student who is majoring view in April.

Management style subject ofSchmidt Lecture on April 6

An entrepreneur and formercorporate vice president atXerox, who is nationally knownfor his successful managementstyle and his contributions to ad-vances in computer technology,will deliver the annual Oscar C.Schmidt Memorial Lecture onfree enterprise April 6 at Rose-Hulman.The featured speaker will be

Renn Zaphiropoulos, an execu-tive whose business philosophy isstudied by college students andis featured in national best sell-ers. Prior to creating his ownhigh-tech firm, he was in-strumental in the creation of thefirst electrostatic printers whichmade it possible to produce hardcopy from data generated bycomputers.His topic will be "Cultivating

Elegance in Management." Theprogram begins at 11 a.m. in theGM Room (B-119) of MoenchHall. The lecture is free and opento the -public.Zaphiropoulos will also receive

the Chauncey Rose Medal, whichis presented each year to theSchmidt Memorial Lecturer.

He is the co-founder of Ver-satec, Inc., the world's leadingproducer of electrostatic printersand plotters. In 1975, his com-pany was merged with the XeroxCorp. At the time of his retire-ment last year, he was presidentand CEO of Versatec and corpo-rate vice president at Xerox.

His successful managementphilosophies have been featuredin the recent best seller, "A Pas-sion for Excellence" by TomPeters and in John Kotter'sbook, "Power and Influence."

Zaphiropoulos has been a guestlecturer at the Harvard BusinessSchool and at Columbia andStanford universities. He servedas a consultant to several nation-al corporations including GTESylvania, Bechtel, Apple Compu-ter, Applied Technology andKaiser Electronics.

The endowed lecture series atRose-Hulman was started in 1953through the generosity of theCincinnati Butcher's SupplyCompany in memory of the lateOscar C. Schmidt, a pioneer

Renn Zaphiropoulos1989 Schmidt Lecturer

manufacturer of machinery forthe packing industry.

The purpose of the programs isto present addresses byprominent business and in-dustrial leaders so Rose-Hulmanstudents will have a better un-derstanding of industry's placein American life.

Oexmann to spend next year studyingfault tolerance in England

by Craig StuckyThe Computer Science Depart-

ment will be the benefactor ofnew technology due to arrive inthe fall of 1990.In this case, though, it will not

be in the form of new computersor software, but in the new in-sights of department memberDale Oexmann.

Oexmann, with over twentyyears of service as a Rose-Hulman professor of mathemat-ics and., more recently, ofcomputer science, has beenawarded a Lilly EndowmentFaculty Open Fellowship.

With this award he and hisfamily will travel to Englandwhere he will research the areaof fault tolerance in systems de-sign.

Fault tolerance, as explainedby Oexmann, is concerned withthe predictability of a system inthe event it malfunctions orcompletely breaks down. Me-chanical systems are given fault

tolerance by supplying duplicateback-up systems - two fuelpumps, three computers, tenbatteries - to take over in theevent the main system fails.But with the increasing com-

plexity of today's technology, thesoftware itself - the programsrunning those machines and sys-tems - must be designed so thatin the event of a failure in theprogram they will behave in apredictable way.

Herein lies the crux of Oex-mann's interest: the integrationof tolerant software and tolerantmechanical systems to providemaximum predictability andsafety.

Oexmann will be working withand learning from some of theworld's leading experts in thisarea of study at the University ofNewcastle on Tyne in England.There, a core of scientists hasbeen working on fault tolerencesince circa 1971. Members of thegroup have printed and edited

books on fault tolerance andcomputer reliability.Oexmann hopes not to learn

how to safeguard specific sys-tems, but rather to expose him-self to the fundamental tech-niques usable in systems design."Lilly wants something

different" summarized Oex-mann in regard to the generalgoal of the fellowship program.It is aimed at faculty in `mid-career' who desire to get awayfrom teaching to learn about newfields, work on special projects„or to just get away and reflect,through reading and othermeans, on how to improve teach-ing and curriculum.Oexmann surely will benefit

from an academic year abroadboth personally and pro-fessionally. The experience of adifferent culture and teachingtechniques should also rewardRose-Hulman on Oexmann's re-turn by providing the means toshare new insights into computerscience to the students here.

Calling for dollarsVarious student groups have taken time out to participate in Rose-Hulman's annual phonathon.Students call Rose alumni to encourage them to contribute. The phonathon, which will contin-ue through the next week, makes use of 15 phone lines. As an incentive to the student volun-teers, each student receives a two-liter bottle of Coke if he receives a pledge for at least $25 orif a graduate increases last year's pledge by 25 percent. photo by Matt Moms

PAGE 2 ROSE THORN FRIDAY, MAR. 31, 1989

Opinions and Columns

Fraternity RowDelta Sigma Phi elects officersThe Delta Sigma Phi fraternity would like to congratulate its

newly elected officers for 1989-90:Matt Kintzele PresidentGeorge Angelov Vice PresidentJeff Sale ELDRyan Roth SecretaryRuss Peterson House DirectorJoe Hentz StewardMike Bell Rush DirectorJeff Perkins Social DirectorGreg Hall Athletic DirectorEric Kissell TreasurerRichard Gamble TreasurerCongratulations!

Entertainment Briefs`Ghostbusters Two' near completionUPI - Bill Murray, Dan edy Int, along with the return

Akroyd, Sigourney Weaver, of supporting players AnnieHarold Ramis and Rick Mora- Potts and Ernie Hudson.nis have wrapped up principal Ivan Reitman, who alsophotography for "Ghostbust- produced and directeders Two." "Ghostbusters," has begunThe comedy reunites all the _post-production work on the

stars of the original 1984 corn- film at Columbia Pictures.

'Fletch Lives' starts bigUPI - Newcomers domin-

ated North America's moviehouses last week, with"Fletch Lives," a ChevyChase vehicle, leading the de-but pack with $8 million at theturnstiles.The other new films at the

top of the weekly chart were"Leviathon," No. 2, and "TheRescuers," No. 4. "Lean onMe," in its second week, wasNo. 3.Rounding out the top five

was Academy Award favorite"Rain Man."Chase's sequel to "Fletch,"

the continuing saga of aseedy, wiseguy investigativereporter, opened even stron-ger than the original in 1,479theaters.Second-ranked "Levia-

thon," an underwater sci-fiyarn, make its debut on 1,393screens and netted $5 million.It stars Peter Weller andRichard Crenna as intrepidadventurers.

"Lean on Me" grossed $3.6million. The drama starsMorgan Freeman as JoeClark, the real life Paterson,N.J., high school principal. Itdropped 21 percent and out ofthe No. 1 spot.Playing in 1,107-theaters,

"Lean on Me" has accumu-lated $15.9 million."Rescuers" is a re-release

of a not-so-classic Disneyfeature-length cartoon of adozen years ago. Re-circulated to pick up youngerviewers during spring break,it grossed $3.6 million on 1,446screens."Rain Man" continued to

pour dollars into 1,501 thea-ters with a take of $2.8 millionin its 14th week. Spurred bydirector Barry Levinson'saward from the DirectorsGuild of America, "RainMan" rose from No. 6 to No.5. So far the front-runnnigOscar contender has grossed$130.2 million.

THORN STAFFThe Rose Thorn is published weekly at Rose-Hulman

Institute of Technology, Box 170, 5500 Wabash Ave.,Terre Haute, IN 47803. Phone 812 877-1511 ext. 255.

Editor Steve Ufheil

News Editor P.J. Hinton

Sports Editor Clark Pentico

Humor Editor Ron Dippold

Photo Editor Chris Sloffer

Advertising Steve Ufheil

Business Manager Scott Kirkpatrick

Reporters P.J. Hinton,

Jeff Valput, Keith Miller

Columnist Bobby Woolf, Ron Dippold

Sportswriters Mark Dunn, Mike Lindsey,

Hyrum Lunt, Ken Koziol

Photographers Tim Mulzer,

Matt McDonough, Joe Forler, Matt Morris, Tim Marling

Layout The Editors

Adviser David Piker

The Rose Thorn welcomes letters or comments fromreaders. Articles, ideas, and announcements are alsodesired. In view of length constraints, we reserve theright to limit the lengths of comments and use excerptsfrom letters. All submitted material must be signed. Allmaterial should be submitted at least one week prior topublication.

Letter to the EditorTo the EditorI would like to comment on

some of the statements concern-ing SGA funding of clubs madeby Bobby Woolf in a Letter to theEditor in the Thorn's February10 edition. Mr. Woolf listed sevenclubs (German Club, ForeignPolicy Association, Orient Club,Orienteering Club, Rose Technic,Russian Club, and WeightliftingClub) which he felt should befunded by Rose-Hulman institu-tions other than SGA. In his let-ter he said that if clubs don't"support the interests of a largecross section of Rose students"or if clubs are "simply reflec-tions" or "a direct outgrowth" ofthe HSLS, ROTC, Alumni, orAthletic departments, thoseclubs should be funded by theprogram most closely related tothe club.I question Mr. Woolf's "large

cross section" criteria. Indeed, Ifeel all clubs, with the possibleexception of SAB, are special in-terest organizations. Onlyaround 10% of the student bodyis interested enough in radiobroadcasting to join WMHD,which is one of the largest clubson campus. Clubs with narrowerappeal attract fewer membersand receive less SGA funds. Thedegree to which a club is special-ized should have no bearing onwhether or not SGA supports it.

Contrary to what Mr. Woolfstated, even if all the membersof the Orienteering Club did par-ticipate in ROTC, the club shouldnot -be discriminated against.(For your information Bobby,this is not true: cadet participa-tion has been below 25% duringthe last four years which I haveattended this institution.)

I also contest the notion thatall of the above clubs are "sim-ply reflections" of academic orathletic programs. In this matterI can only speak for theOrienteering Club, but similararguments also hold true for theother clubs mentioned.Orienteering involves landnavigation skills and physical fit-ness, both of which areadmittedly desirable assets tothe ROTC department. More im-p or tantly , however, theOrienteering Club exists to pro-vide social and recreational out-lets for its members. In otherwords, we are a bunch of guyswho like to get away from Roseand have a little fun in the woodsevery once in a while. It is possi-ble that some of us participatesimply because we find thatcloseness to nature brings asense of beauty, solitude, andpeace. What department doesthis fall under, Bobby? TheOrienteering Club, as well as

nearly all other SGA supportedclubs, promotes the welfare of itsmembers in ways which the tra-ditional academic or athletic in-stitutions have no interest in..

A more fundamental questionwhich Mr. Woolf's letter bringsup is, "What is the purpose ofstudent supported clubs?" Frommy personal experiences I an-swer as follows: They activelydevelop interests important to asmall number of students. Theybring students from differentparts of the campus together in asocial setting. They furnish op-portunities for students to de-velop leadership and organiza-tional skills outside of traditionalacademic and athletic experi-ences. They provide an essentialrecreational outlet to easescholarly pressures and encour-age individual expression. All ofthese purposes are either outsidethe realm of responsibility of theacademic and athletic es-tablishments at Rose, or are bestserved without institutionalstrings attached. I hope SGA rep-resentatives take time to consid-er my thoughts as the club fund-ing process begins.

Steve KregerPresident, Orienteering ClubMember, WMHD BroadcastingClub

Purdue wins Rube Goldberg contestUPI - A team of Purdue Uni-

versity engineering studentsdemonstrated the world's mostcomplicated pencil sharpener atPurdue University to win thefirst national Rube Goldberg Ma-chine Contest.Goldberg, who died in 1970,

was a cartoonist who specializedin drawing complicatedmachines to perform simpletasks. In keeping with his spirit,student teams from three univer-sities demonstrated theirmachines designed to sharpenthe end of a wooden pencil in lessthan five minutes, using at least25 steps.Teams from the University. of

Detroit and the University ofWisconsin also competed.The winning machine built a

new pencil for a student doll thatwas equipped with only a brokenpencil at the starting line, saidteam spokesman Jeff Cotting-ham, a Kokomo, Ind., native.The machine was set in motion

by placing a test paper in the stu--- -

Looking for a FRATERNITY, SOROR-ITY, or STUDENT ORGANIZATIONthat would like to make $500-$1000 for a one-week, on-campusmarketing project. Must be organ-ized and hard working.Call Joe or Myra at 1-800-592-2121

VID

dent doll's hand, which activateda panic sign and started the fig-ure rolling forward.

Gadgetry included on the ma-chine were a mousetrap, a toytruck, and a computer plotterthat wrote "Rube Goldberg" ona piece of drafting paper. Awood-chopping version of "Pur-due Pete," Purdue's athleticmascot, chopped down a tree formaking more pencils.

The machine's finale includeda newly sharpened pencil, whichfell through a series of guidesinto the arms of the distressedstudent doll, who then exclaimedwith a cartoon-style caption,"Whew, Thanks!"Other members of the winning

team include: Greg Arent, Da-rien, Conn.; Ken Bowman,Lafayette, Ind.; Don Brown,Newburgh, Ind.; KevinFacinelli, Penfield, N.Y.; VearlTurnpaugh, Logansport, Ind.;and Jim Vierira, Kokomo, Ind.The winning machine was the

only entry to complete the taskwithout intervention, an accom-plishment that contest judgessaid contributed to its victory.The other teams had to nudgeand prod their machines to thefinish line.Cottingham and his six team-

mates, all students in the Purdue

School of Technology, received afirst-place prize of $200 and afive-foot-high Rube Goldbergtraveling trophy.A $100 second-place prize went

to the University of Wisconsinteam for its machine, "BuckyBadger's Hydro-Electro-Mechanical All-Purpose PencilSharpener." The team from theUniversity of Detroit received athird-place award for its entrydubbed "48 Hours."

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FRIDAY, MAR. 31, 1989 ROSE THORN PAGE 3

Sports

Baseball team loses four games

photo by: Tim Mulzer

A Rose-Hulman player tags out an ISU player from the 1988 Mayors Cup Game.

Tennis off to a rough startby Mike Under

The start of the season hasbeen a rough road for the Rose-Hulman tennis team. Their firstmeet against Lake Land Com-munity College was canceled dueto rain and cold temperatures.On, March 16, the engineers

were defeated by North CentralCollege at home by a score of 7-2.The singles scores were: 1) TonyPollen lost 1-6, 3-6; 2) Jay Eilerlost 2-6, 3-6; 3) _Eric Berzsenyi

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lost 4-6, 1-6; 4) Steve Magruderlost 6-7, 1-6; 5) Doug Guinn lost2-6, 2-6; 6) Evan Kokoska won 7-5, 6-3. In doubles: 1) Tony Pollenand Dale Conroy lost 5-7, 4-6;Eric Berzsenyi and SteveMagruder lost 4-6, 3-6; EvanKokoska and Neil Petroff won 2-6, 6-4, 6-2.For their next match, the net-

ters were supposed to play adual match against the Universi-ty of Indianapolis and Vincennes

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University, but the -mischievousspring weather again caused thematch to be canceled.On, March 22, the team

traveled to Wabash College andwere beaten 9-0 by_a very goodsquad. In fact, Coach Dan Hop-kins believes Wabash will berated in the top 20 teams in Divi-sion III tennis. Even though theirfirst two matches ended in de-feat.

by Berke Breathed

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EXPIRES 4-15-89

by Kent AgneThe Rose-Hulman baseball

team had a rough time of it lastweek, capped off by 4 losses overthe Easter weekend.

After the 2-2 start since return-ing from Spring Break, the Engi-neers were looking optimisticallyto continued success in theNorthern Season. But, the secondweek of the quarter held badnews for the team. The first set-back came with the suddenretirement of head coach JimRendel. Coach Rendel resignedfor health purposes after beinghospitalized for the first weeksince returning from Florida(see related story on page 1). As-sistant Coach George Pattersonhas assumed the interim positionof head coach, and football coachScott Duncan is assisting him.On March 22nd, freshman

pitcher Dan Feagan suffered abroken nose in practice. Feganwas scheduled to pitch for theteam the following day but hadto be scratched from the rota-tion. Sophomore Kevin Pattersonstepped in from a primary reliefposition to fill the void. 'The games that day were

against Marian College and wereplayed at ISU's field. Rose drop-ped the opener 7-4 despite a

fairly solid performance. Marianscored 5 of their runs with twomen out, a stat that describes theRose season thus far, for the de-fense has had problems gettingthe third out of an inning whenthe opposition has runners onbase.In the nightcap the Engineers 5

hits were scattered from inningto inning and they could not puttogether a rally. Rose lost thisone 10-0.The next day, Rose travelled to

Bloomington to take on the BigTen's Indiana Hoosiers.Although they lost the opener bya score of 11-0, the pitching offreshman Doug Keiter allowedthe Division I team to only sixearned runs in his completegame effort. Keiter gave up just7 hits, but defensive mistakesand a lack of offense limited thehelp for his cause.In the second game, Rose lost

8-1 despite staying close through-out the game. The team had run-ners in scoring position in 3 in-nings, but could only get oneman across the plate.Tomorrow, the team travels to

Hanover College for a double-header and will get a rematchwith Marian College in Indianap-olis on Sunday.

The Engineers'Tennis Schedule

April 5 at DePauw University, GreencastleApril 8 ROSE-HULMAN INVITATIONAL, 9 a.m.April 12 WABASH COLLEGE, 3:30 p.m.April 15 at S. IndianalBellarmine College, EvansvilleApril 22 ILLINOIS BENEDICTINE COLLEGE, 10 a.m.April 23 at Rusty Gates Tournament, Rockford, Ill.April 26 at Vincennes University, VincennesMay 4-6 at CAC Tournament, Sewanee, Tenn.

Home matches in capital letters.

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PAGE 4 ROSE THORN FRIDAY, MAR. 31, 1989

Humor/Satire

Pocket Protector ShuffleEver notice how much you can

tell about someone by what typeof calculator they have and howthey use/abuse it? We were goingto diversify this time, so weasked some IZU students abouttheir preferences, but all we gotwere blank stares. We askedsome Woodsies, but all we coulddig up was a card that convertedbetween cups, tablespoons, andteaspoons. So, once again, wewere forced to come back toRosem for the story.

Slide Rule: Of course, no oneever uses one of these anymore,unless toasters are too "new-fangled" for them. You surehear a lot from teachers though,taking about the "good olddays." "Why,- they claim,"we'd whip out a polar to rec-tangular conversion in 2 secondsflat, but it took 10 seconds for theslide rule to cool off to the pointwe could handle it again..." Thisis sort of doubtful, coming frompeople who seem none too handywith a piece-of chalk. These arethe same people who claim,"When I was your age, sonny, wedidn't have women!" Whichcould explain the Bored of Man-agers.

Four Function Special: Pickedup at K-Mart for $3. If they real-ly splurged, it might have trigfunctions, too. Somehow, theynever seem to be among the firstfinished at anything that in-volves calculation, but they don'tcare. Ask them why they didn'tpay $50 and get a decent calcula-tor, they will usually retort thatthey have something that workstoo, and that you have wasted$50, hah! And you wasted moneyon your car, too. An internalcombustion engine is a luxury.Ask them if $100 isn't worthcountless hours saved on testsand homework, and they'll say,"That does not compute." Well,no, not on their calculator, any-ways.

-HP-11 or HP-15: Let's face it,RPN is not a way to calculate,but a religion. These calculatorsdon't do much more thancomparably priced calculatorsfrom other manufacturers, butit's like a badge of sorts. Plusthey come with those neat-ocases... They may be sneered atby the HP-28 users, but by Godthey can sneer at any non-HPcalculator! "Look, my Dull 7000has the computing power of aCray II!" "Yes, but does it useRPN? No? Pity. Now my HP-11here..." The strange shape is ofno concern to the owners, al-though they have all at one timeor another tried to write a checkon it. It's always fun to give oneof these to the owner of a FourFunction Special and watch himhunt for the " = " key.Tower o' Power: There are anynumber of calculators out there

with special features, such as afull QWERTY keyboard, graph-ing capabilities, inflatable doll(useful on tests), or Space In-vaders built in. The usefulness ofowning one of these can be ex-plained easily when one realizesthat there is no one else on cam-pus who can run one of these, sothe chances of it getting bor-rowed is slim at best. This can bemore of a draw than most peoplerealize, especially when yourroommate makes Uncle Scroogelook like a spendthrift. "Oh, Ican't afford $50. Say, you aren'tgoing to be using your calculatoranytime this week, are you? No?Good. Hey, wanna go in on a piz-za?" If he realizes that during atest it is just as likely to play"Bolero" as it is to add twonumbers, he might be convincedto go down the hall to borrow aFour Function Special.

King of the Calculators: The topof the line, of course, is the HP-28S. Most comments that applyto the HP-11 apply to this, aswell, but there are a few otherthings. First, the confusion fac-tor for someone borrowing it isthe same as the other Tower o'Power calculators, enhanced bythe fact that the owner onlyknows how to use 10% of thefunctions himself ("Read themanual? Why?"). For some rea-son, the function that most ofthem miss is how to turn off thedamned beeper! The next timeyou're taking a test and you heara "beep" from somewhere in theroom every few minutes, realizethat he hasn't left it on as a sta-tus symbol so that you'll know hehas one, but because "51 SF" isbeyond him. He might find abomb under his chair on the nexttest. This is just an example ofinformation overload. Next timehe brags to you about the 576functions his calculator per-forms, realize that he only knowsabout 50 of them, understandsabout 20, and uses about 10. Justconsole yourself with the factthat when the 28X comes out in 6months he'll be obsolete too.

Geekamania: Regardless ofwhat type of calculator, there isa slight chance that you might bea (gasp) calculator geek. Askyourself these easy questions.Does your calculator now playDefender? Can you fold your HP-28 over and type on the backkeys by feel? Do you carry yourcalculator wherever you go(although class is acceptable),including the bathroom (interest-ing problems in fluid mecha-nics)? Do you have a specialholster on your belt to carry thedarn thing ("This class ain't bigenough for the two of us!Draw!")? Do you type reportswith it? Does Sharp call youwhen they have a question? Didyou read this article?

TOP Ten Deeds to Contend for"Presidents' Service Award"

1. Volunteer to intercept all those darned flyers before they get toour mailboxes.

2. Convince the registrar that teachers should be required to takeHS courses, too. Namely, English.

3. Become official ARAT food taster. You'll be well loved till yourdeath, although that won't be long.

4. Inform WMUD that if people really wanted to hear them at 200decibels on Campus Cleanup Day, they just might tune in.

5. Replace all Geek Center keyboards with vastly more reliableTI-99 keyboards.

6. Bring a 10' fan to classes in those "scientifically climate con-trolled" classrooms in Olin. "Vietnamese Rain Forest" isn'tthe climate we were looking for...

7. Bomb the Torn offices and save us from having to think up anymore of these.

8. Renumber Munch hall so that its second floor actually lines up.with Crappo's second floor. What the heck were they think-ing?

9. Install a huge air filter around Rosem. No need for menthol...10. Move Rosem to someplace more suitable. Harlem perhaps.

BLOOM COUNTY

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