2 Wolf Pack Press April Fools Edition (all stories are fictional) A Do-Gooder, Tree Hugger Jency James

April 1, 2011Volume 16, Issue 2

Nick WinSenior Nguyen-ing Correspondent

Woodcreek High School got the op-portunity to host Sharlie Cheen, of “Two and a Half Men” as an inspirational speaker. The recently-fallen star spoke in the Career Center, with the central themes of his speech on “Winning” “How to Win” and “What to do if you find your-self incapable of winning”. Surprisingly, the speech had record low attendance, (WINNING) perhaps due to a lack of proper advertising.

One particular method Cheen fo-cused on was un-tapping the creative potential of the human mind. “Did you know that the human (WINNING) mind only uses like 10% of its full potential? I don’t have a normal human mind though. I use like 89% of my brain man; I mean, its part of the creative process,” Cheen was cited as saying.

He also went on to cite the ex-traordinary number of highly-re-garded minds that were classified as ‘crazy’(WINNING); “The best minds in

the world were crazy: Einstein, Kaczyn-ski, all of them were geniuses, like me man, freakin’ rockstars from Mars!”

To stimulate the creative (WIN-NING) process, Cheen encouraged vari-ous “other” activities. However, Cheen’s feed was cut during this segment, so much of his speech was muted, however a small portion, likely in reference to baking as Cheen was discussing gram measurements (WINNING), was hear-able before he moved on.

Cheen also emphasized a few other important aspects of profit via intellec-tual properties. He stressed the impor-tance of maintaining (WINNING) copy-rights to your intellectual properties, saying, “Never let it go! Hug it, dude, like it’s your freakin’ illegitimate love child with your hot neighbor. Y’know, do whatever you need to, right, to like, keep it man.”

Cheen also discussed the impor-tance of humility and (WINNING) hon-or in the creative talent craft. “Look at me! I barely work, I’m a ho-hum kinda

Sharlie Cheen brings inspiration to campusguy, and I’ve got this b**chin’ rockstar life, man,” said Cheen.

As his speech began to (WINNING)wind down, Cheen resorted to the age-old stand-by for public speaking, and discussed the difference of people in the world.

“ T h e r e are 2 kinds of people in the world: winners and losers, and if you aren’t a winner, then you’re a loser man. And if you’re a los-er, you can’t ever become a winner, you’re born a winner. Winners are special, like me; I’m differ-

ent, I’m unique, I’m special.” After his speech concluded, to

tenuous applause, Cheen turned and (WINNING) moonwalked out of the Career Center.

GRAPHIC BY JESSICA ROBERTS

WINNING: Guest speaker Sharlie Cheen greeted his fans shortly before he gave his 30 minute “epic length soliloquy.”

Megan AdamsAlligator Wrestler Master

Last week the WASC Committee visited for their 6 year inspection of our campus. Though the committee was here for a short three and a half days, they recommended major changes.

When committee member Richard Cranium walked on campus, he was ap-palled by what he saw. “The first thing that I saw was girls in short mini skirts and boys with their ripped muscle tees. That’s completely unacceptable,” said Cranium.

In his official report, Cranium suggested a stricter dress code be es-tablished immediately. Administrators agreed and beginning in August a new dress code of school uniforms will be instituted.

Girls will be required to wear a ma-roon polo shirt with a striped tie, black sweater, plaid skirt and black three-quarter length socks that go right below the knee caps. Boys will be required to wear a white button-up shirt with a black vest and black dress slacks. Both must wear black dress shoes.

“Students will have to wear their set uniforms every day and this is not an option,” said Assistant Principal Markus MoHair.

Students who refuse to wear the mandated attire will be punished for four years of fifth period. Other viola-tions will also result in punishment for those who bedazzle their uniforms,

WASC visit prompts school uniforms and changesrefuse to wear the correct colored socks, bring a gigantic stuffed animal to school that blocks people from seeing the uni-form or wear oversized footy pajamas that cover the uniform.

Thanks to WASC, uniforms will not only be a torture for students but teachers will have to endure a dress code as well.

Teachers, administrators and all staff will have to dress up in their Sunday best every day - a button down shirt with a tie and nice slacks for the men (jackets are optional) and a sleeved dress that passes the knees for the ladies.

The WASC committee also suggest-ed other changes. Due to the inconsis-tent labeling of the halls which caused the committee to get lost several times, the administrators decided to label the most obvious sections of campus with gigantic light up billboards. Hallways will now be marked “hallway”and doors marked “door.” Look for these signs to start appearing next week.

In addition, when CVS is done being built, construction workers will visit campus to label the sidewalks with bright orange lettering.

You may have heard the rumor or had teachers talk to you about the new Embedded Intervention schedule set to begin in the 2011-2012 school year. The new schedule will require students to be at school at 7:16 AM and the last bell will ring at 3:21 PM, not a minute sooner.

Principal Jesse Boredom says the changes to the schedule may seem ex-treme; but based on the latest research, studies show that students benefit from a longer school day. Boredom said, “We need to shove as much information into your small heads as humanly possible.”

Assistant Princi-pal Juan Smeeth is excited for the new schedule. With all the changes, he thinks that students will ini-tially start running around campus in Au-gust looking like car-toon characters. “It is going to be enjoy-able to see students look like the Looney Tunes. My favorite is Speedy Gonzales,” said Smeeth.

Though students weren’t too concerned initially with the WASC visit, they’ve started to worry about their constitutional freedoms going down the tubes and into a dark oblivion. They’re already planning pro-tests.

“ I r a i d e d m y fridge this morning and will throw any-

thing and everything possible at all of the administrators brave enough to show their faces at lunch,” said junior Seeyah Biteme. “After all, we learned in English that it worked for Shake-speare’s audience.”

PHOTO BY JESSICA ROBERTS

CONFORMITY: Among the many changes that will ap-pear soon, students will be required to wear uniforms.

NewsApril 1, 2011

Wolf Pack Press, April Fools Edition (all stories are fictional) 3A Do-Gooder, Tree Hugger, Jency James

Kaitlyn MayAcademic Acolyte

Amid the flurry of preparations for this year’s WASC visit – the new signage, the clean staircases, the sec-ond set of trashcans – many ideas and plans were set aside on the principle of finances. One idea, however, will not remain by the wayside for much longer: in August of the upcoming school year, admin hopes to unveil what will be the crown jewel on campus.

After hours of careful planning, our school looks to boast what will be a colossal statue rivaling that of Granite Bay’s sculpted bear. A project that began this January, the school first secretly polled student opinion, finding that a statue was just what we need to add a little ‘umph’ to school spirit. Admin then assembled a group of artists who met frequently to discuss their designs and concept art, coming up with unique pieces that best captured the spirit of Woodcreek.

By mid- February, the team pro-duced two potential models for the final statue. While the names of those involved are to remain anonymous until

Matt GeorgeFunk Master George

Barnell Pinkertton and bacon: the words tie together so well. Finally Mr. P’s dreams have been realized, a match made in heaven has been completed. Last weekend, Pinkertton legally be-came engaged to a pig.

“We had instant chemistry. Some-thing about her just makes my mouth water and my stomach growl,” Pinkert-ton said. “I can’t believe we finally did it. It’s been a hard road but we worked it out.”

Pinkertton’s wife-pig-to-be is 9 years old and over 250 pounds. Born and raised in Wyoming, she is tough and strong and has plenty of meat on her. Not being properly named, she is referred to as number 362 and wears her name on an ear tag.

Pinkertton showed no concern to-wards the issue of a proper name say-ing, “I didn’t fall in love with her name but her. Besides, that issue is taken care of. After Sunday, she will forever be known to the world as Mrs. Piggy Pinkertton”.

The wedding is scheduled to take place this upcoming Sunday at Lincoln Rifle Club Shooting Range in Lincoln California. The ceremony is open to the public and will consist of music, plenty of dancing and a performance by upcoming country music singer Billy Carrington. The event will also feature an appearance by the U.S. Military in a Black Hawk helicopter is scheduled to land and take the newlyweds away to their honeymoon hunting vacation in Alaska.

“I can’t wait! Being flown to Alaska

in a Black Hawk i s a dream come true,” Pinkertton said . “ I t was amazing to be able to have one land in the back of Woodcreek on T h u r s -day, but be-ing able to take a l o n g tr ip in a Black Hawk? I

couldn’t a s k f o r a n y t h i n g else.”

Pinkert-t o n a l s o r e -vealed try- ing to recruit Crisp Baker and Whitt- n e e Cattrell for f lower girl and ring bearer but they are b e i n g difficult and haven’t a n s w e r e d . W h e n asked about t h i s , P i n k e r t t o n sternly said, “Communists”.

There is no doubt that a dream has come true for Pinkertton and he is proud of his decision. Many aren’t too comfortable with the couple and are trying to point out the problems of this possible couple. But Pinkertton isn’t fazed and is optimistic for the future.

“What could be wrong about it? I love her, she loves me. We share the same love of the outdoors, both big and strong and best of all, if anything were to happen to her, she will leave me with the greatest gift of all: fresh bacon.”

Pinkertton to marry bacon

the time of the statue’s unveiling, we can disclose the concept sketches as follows:

The first design boasts of unity. Dis-played on a square base, three wolves are featured with the end canines hold-ing a banner that reads, “Education, Energy, Excellence”. Beneath the raised paw of the middlemost wolf is a large ‘W’, and along the base of the statue the words, “Est. 1994” and “Wolf Pack Pride” are written. The middle wolf is displayed with its head thrown up into a howl to symbolize the unkillable spirit of being a Timberwolf.

Yet this design was scrapped: while agreement was reached that the work successfully displayed qualities such as teamwork, heritage, academics, and passion, the final design proved too perfect to pass up.

Recycling the other concept sketch and taking into account the lack of representation for our ever-publicized sports, the team decided that our new school statue should signify our fierce fighting spirit.

Three wolves are shown upon a raised block, growling over the forms of fallen mascots. On the left, a wolf

is howling in victory; the center is striding over the fallen form of a tiger (with the promise of a felled bear to be added); and the rightmost wolf is hun-kered into a menacing growl, a toppled Viking helmet at its paws. Together, they represent the ruthless spirit of all aspects of the school – particularly that of dominating anyone who dares challenge us.

Slated to sit in the center of the main quad, the statue will face Senior Square and will be ten feet tall. Cast in bronze, the wolves will be ornamented in a thin coat of silver paint and deco-rated with traces of gold filigree to add a more regal air. The eyes of each wolf will be encrusted with garnets – purchased with a discount from a local jeweler – so that they glint in both the sunlight and moonlight, in keeping with our school colors.

When asked if the statue would be too flashy or appear too violent, admin assured of the piece’s tastefulness, say-ing, “Granite Bay will have a hard time one-upping this one!”

Voting for the names of each wolf will occur next school year during the first week of September.

Orrey SeveretThe next Travis Barker

For years, Lemmy Rickett has amazed audiences playing saxo-phone for Tower of Power, the Oak-land based funk sensation and as the musical director/saxophone player for Sunday Night Live. Unfortu-nately for Rickett fans everywhere, he has been seceded by a man who has come, with force, to be possibly “the greatest saxophone player in the world”(New York Times) – Band Director Bradlee Nourth.

Following an audition with Bjorn Michaelson, executive produc-er for SNL, Rickett was let go and replaced with the new sensation.

“I haven’t been more stressed nor have I struggled more since playing with Derek Corienthal,” Rickett unhappily stated Corien-thal, a nationally renowned sax player and graduate of Berklee College of Music.

Corienthal refused an interview, but his spokesperson contacted us last Saturday stating, “Derek is afraid of facing this new up and comer because he knows he’d be beat.”

Nourth said, “When I received the call from Bjorn Michaelson regarding replacing Lemmy Rick-ett, I was taken aback. I’ve always respected him and can’t believe I get to replace him. So far the SNL crew has been very welcoming and I look forward to meeting some of the cast.”

SNL gig takes Nourth to Big Apple

New statue will show Pack Pride and domination

Mobbin’ to packin’Dani Butterfield and Megan BarnettWe’re awesome

On Feb. 29 after a victorious basketball game, some Black Mob members celebrated by eating frozen yogurt at No-Way-Yogurt! on the corner of Foothills and Washington. A group of six fans from the rival Antelope Titanics strolled in. Words were exchanged and the exchange turned into a full out brawl.

Seniors Jeremy Widdleworth, Henry Punchu, John Hasselthem and junior brothers Tank Emdown and Trip Emdown fought for the hon-or of the Timberwolves. Sadly, they cost the Black Mob its iconic title. The fan club will now be the Black Pack due to the violent connotation of the word “mob” and possibility to incite riot behavior.

Punchu said, “When those kids from Antelope walked in they started talking trash and saying we only won because of bad reffing, so we started talking back saying that they were just jealous and this one kid got re-ally heated at Trip so Trip punched him and then from there everybody just started fighting.”

Keely Sorbet, the manager of No-Way-Yogurt! said, “We had to call the police and at the end of the fight all six of the Antelope students were down ,one of them was knocked out and all five of the Woodcreek students were leaving the shop when the cops arrived.” All parties went home with only minor injuries the most severe being a minor concussion of the boy who got knocked out.

The police called both school principals and though no school accepted 100% fault, the nature of the Black Mob possibly incited riot behavior. Students involved received a two week suspension, during which time Principal Jesse Boredom and Assistant Principal Marcus MoHair met to discuss the future of the Black Mob. “This is a difficult situation. We need to choose what is best for the student body and the community to try and prevent future fights. Safety is most important for the students,” said Boredom

“We believe that having ‘mob’ in the title creates a negative at-mosphere amongst the fan club. It has the potential to create mob type activity between our students and rival students as in the recent case with the Antelope students. The of-ficial name for the iconic Woodcreek fan club is now the Black Pack,” said Boredom.

“The Black Pack reflects the school. As the Wolf Pack, Black Pack, incorporates school spirit and represents a lot of people while taking away violent connotations of the word ‘mob’ by taking these connotations away the students are less likely to initiate or take part in aggressive behavior,” said MoHair.

4 Wolf Pack Press, April Fools Edition (all stories are fictional) The Most Special Editors, Megan Hoehenrieder and Jake Haakenson