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THE ETREPELLENT The Metropolitan newspaper's April Fools Day edition, repelling the Auraria Campus since 1991

Denver, Colorado Volume 1, Issue 1 April 1, 1991

MSCD OVERTHROWS,AHEC Violent three-day uprising ends with exile of AHEC, CU-D and CCD from campus S.L. Oppy The Metropollution

Spring break was anything but quiet at the fonner Auraria Campus.

In a violent three-day coup, Metropolitan State College of Denver seized control of the cam­pus from Auraria Higher Educa­tion Center and ousted AHEC's ruling class along with University of Colorado at Denver and Com­munity College of Denver.

President of the new Metro­politan State College of Denver Campus, Thomas B. Brewer, said the time was right.

"AHEC forces were weak from recent skirmishes with the Hahn Company and Trizec Corporation (leaseholders of the Tivoli Brew­ery building)," he said. "All the pieces were in place . . . spring break, fatigued AHEC forces and apathy from CU-D and CCD fac­tions."

MSCD forces used the parking garage as an enormous bunker, launching penetrating SCUD at­tacks on AHEC administration

buildings from there. A severe lack of organization

and moments of plain bad luck contributed to AHEC' s rapid loss.

The Auraria Public Safety­manned PATRIOT system mal­functioned during the heaviest MSCD missile attack according to APS Public Information Officer Jim Ferguson.

"There was nothing we could do but run for cover," Ferguson said.

AirraidsbyMSCD'sAlphaEta Rho, Professional Aviation Fra­ternity, went unanswered when AHEC parking monitors ran out of ammunition for their anti-aircraft guns. The monitors retaliated by ticketing all the cars belonging to the MSCD force. Later they sur­rendered without resistance when confronted by the president's spe­cial forces.

The sorties were effective in flushing out AHEC administrators from the administration building, at which time they were captured and imprisoned in the PER Build­ing.

The MSCD chapter of ROTC caught Professional Food Man­agement and Student Union Con­ference Services employees com­pletely off guard and were able to take the Student Union and caf­eteria without a struggle, a victory considered crucial to the effort by MSCD officials.

"They always say an army marches on its stomach," Brewer said. "If they had held that cafete­ria, we could have been in a world of hurt come weekend."

Chancellor John Buechner, CU­D, is leading his refugee students to the rejected Gateway baseball site to form shanty classrooms, but maintains hope that they will be back.

'Tom (Brewer) and I go back a long way," Buechner said. "Even if AHEC doesn't regain control, he'll let us have some classroom space as soon as the martial law is ins ti tu ted."

Byron McClenney, CCD presi­dent, wasunavailableforcomment The CCD faction is allegedly hid­ing out in secret tunnels under St.

Cajetan's, formerly an arsenal used by AHEC.

Reasons for the coup have been compounded over several years, according to Brewer.

"I received a complete dossier on AHEC when I got here, and I've just been adding to it," Brewer said. "That so-called amphitheater, AHEC intentionally sabotaging the ' Runners basketball season with the PER reconstruction and vari­ous incidents of extortion are just a drop in the bucket. They've really been asking for it."

Jo Ann Sok er, vice president for Administration at AHEC, was not permitted, as a POW, to speak to the press. Former vice president for Administration at AHEC, Jim Schoemer, now at Regis College, said he had seen it coming.

"Are you kidding? Why do you think I left," he said. "I could see the dissent. I saw the rumblings when that amphitheater went in."

Elated MSCD focces celebrated victory by removing all AHEC, CU-D and CCD insignia from the campus and buying back used

books for almost 75 percent the original price.

Martial law is expected to be in place by the second week of April and will involve curfews, off-lim­its areas and mandatory work de­tails for the completion of several campus projects. The parking ga­rage will be open to MSCD ex­clusively, and without a daily fee. Loss of revenue from MSCD will be made up in property seizures and exorbitant fines and fees for AHEC, CU-D and CCD.

"Martial law will not effect. members of the Metropolitan State CollegeofDenverfamily,··L. .... wc1

said, "only the outlanders." Brewer's field commander,

David Williams, also vice presi­dent of Academic Affairs and Student Affairs, said he had never seen the president so jubilant.

"After our most successful SCUD attack I came in and told Tom AHEC had surrendered," Williams said. "He jumped up on his desk, on top of all his maps of the campus and said 'This is a greater victory than the Alamo. "'IJ•

MSCD president impregnated by aliens Brewer covers up abduction with hospital visit story, but pregnancy hard to hide

David 0. Yeahsezwho The Metrecalcitrant

Aglow with the triumph of his recent campus coup, MSCD President Thomas B. Brewer held a press conference April l to an­nounce that he had another reason to be aglow.

Brewer shocked members of the press by revealing that he has been impregnated by space aliens.

"My wife and I are absolutely overcome with excitement over the prospect of up to 28 new additions to our family," Brewer said, grin­ning widely.

Brewer arrived at that number by virtue of the type of alien which he claims abducted him and sexu­ally subjugated him for three days in February - a period of time in which Brewer originally claimed he was in the hospital for prostrate surgery .

Scientists speculated that the gestation period for the aliens is just more than one month and can produce more than two dozen lar­vae-like offspring. Though con-

cemed about her husband's health because of his ordeal, Betty Brewer was ebullient over the possibility of the pitter-patterof countless little feet.

"Oh, most definitely," she said. "There's something so special about the creation of new life -even alien li~e. And this time he has to do all the work." The Brewers have two children already.

Brewer joked about his family finally reaching an acceptable mi­nority level, a veiled reference to a controversial minority hiring policy that pays departments $5,000 for hiring a minority teacher.

"I don't really think we can get any state money for them unless we find them jobs at the school and that would be nepotism," Brewer said.

Brewer was unclear on many of the details surrounding his kidnap­ping. As far as he could remember, he was walking on campus Feb. 18 when a multi-colored cloudoflight surrounded him and he felt a strange disembodied sensation.

"It was exactly like it would be if you could really be beamed up,"

said Brewer, an avowed Trekkie. He insists no alcohol was involved.

He claims that the next thing he knew he was on board the alien's ship and surrounded by "at least 20 of the slimy little things. They were insistent as hell and not very big on hygiene, but they sure had a neat ship."

Brewer is equally vague on the biological implications of his pregnancy. "We'll play it by ear, literally," he said.

Apparently the ear is the birth canal for this species of alien. Any complications could necessitate an operation like a tracheotomy to remove the infant aliens without injury.

"I wonder if they breast feed," Brewer speculated, glancing down at his chest with trepidation.

The entire incident has left the Brewers shaken but elated. Their next step is to embark on the formidable task of selecting names.

Brewer is angry about the cir­cumstances but pleased with the results. He said he wished they had asked him first.

"They didn't even respect me in the morning," he said. If MSCD President Thomas B. Brewer exudes maternal pride.

2 THEMETROPOLITAN April 1, 1991

NEWS In-town annex

Tivoli named new airport downtown terminal David 0. Whatever The Metrepugnant ·

In a bold move as the new "dictator for life" of the former Auraria Campus, MSCD President Thomas B. Brewer struck a com­plex deal April 1 with the city of Denver turning over the struggling Tivoli Brewery mall to the Denver International Airport for use as a downtown terminal.

Prompted by city council com­plaints that the new airport is "simply too far away," the deal will provide a close-in annex with two added runways.

One runway will be located on the rejected Gateway site for the proposed baseball stadium. That iirr;in~ement is ro:itingent on flood­coritrol measures along the South Platte river. Phil Anschutz, owner of the property, however, doesn't see that as a problem.

"Jftherivergetsalittlehigh, we can always land sea planes," Anschutz said.

Theotherrunwaywill be located on the Sixteenth Street mall, which Mayor Federico Peiia claims is ·'empty most of the time anyway."

Peiia went on to explain that more walk/don't walk signals will be installed and wired into the control tower which will be located in the D& F Tower.

"People will just have to be a little more aware on their lunch

hours," Pena said. Bicycles still will not be allowed on the mall.

The plan to use the Tivoli as additional terminal space has drawn mixed reviews from current and past Tivoli tenants.

"They'll get over it," Brewer said. "What we have here is an opportunity to earn an international reputation for this campus. You know, terrorism, massive delays and religious literature."

Steele Platt, owner of the de­funct EFEX nightclub and known by some·as the "foundering father" of the Tivoli said: "This'll be great. I might reinvest in (the mall). My bouncers would finally have something to do; they could chase off the Hare Krishnas instead of beating up baseball players."

The Hare Krishna void could be filled nicely by Campus Advance, Brewer said.

Michael McCarty, owner of Adirondacks, was less enthusias­tic than Platt about the plan. "I don't like it," McCarty said. " Air­port food in this country has a world-wide reputation and frankly, I don't want the compt:tition."

Ron Rutt, director of parking for the Tivoli, was ecstatic o.Jer the possibility of vastly increased parking revenues. "Oh, I just can­not wait. We'll finally be able to tow all these damn students who park in here for the price of a cin­namon roll."

Brewer said some current Stu-

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dent Union operations will be in­corporated into the new terminal/ mall, including several campus club organizations.

Alpha Eta Rho, the Professional Aviation Fraternity, will be a natural for the new facility, ac­cording to club President Kristy DeLine. "This may be the closest some of our members will ever get to an actual airport," DeLine said.

The Gamers, another club that will be relocated, were also excited about the prospect. Requesting anonymity, one member said, "Oh yeah,justthink of it, all those video machines."

Harry Gianneschi, new director of the MSCD Physical Plant, was reluctant to discuss a component of the plan that would allow for additional hangar space in the "soon-to-be-completed" MSCD Gymnasium.

Gianneschi would neither con­firm nor deny rumors that the gym will become the new dual-purpose home of the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum annex as well as the mighty MSCD Roadrunners.

"Ican'treallycommentonthat," Gianneschi said. "But I will say this: If you thought Adrian (MSCD basketball star Adrian Hutt) could

&. • 0 • ... • • ll..

sky, waittill you seeournew Stealth Bomber exhibit."

Addressing concerns expressed by some council members that the various components of the airport complex will be too widely scat­tered across the downtown area, Giannesthi said the stainless steel circus tent concept has not been ruled out.

"That's right. We're still taking a hard 'look at putting all of downtown underone big cozy post­modern piece of schlock art," Gianneschi said. A move that would be funded entirely by stu­dent fees. If

Public Safety records under investigation by feds been suspicious of Auraria Public proof of tampering, but that the Apparently, in late January allegedly stolen from his office,

Roxanne Agostinelli Safety the whole time," Brewer real digging had just begun. Brodell was exiting the Mission car and home.

The Metrepulsive said. "After the coup we seized all " I've never, in all my put-to- when Ferguson began hassling him "I'm outraged that someone the records and called in a special gether, seen a system like this one," about Colorado Revised Statutes. would want to make me look un-investigator." he said. "It's like it's in some kind According to Field Majors, kempt," Holden said.

The Federal Bureau of lnvesti- Brodell said he had written nu- of code". manager of The Mission, Brodell A single incident of gang-re-gations has taken an interest in the merous letters to various officers He said that he had uncovered had been in the establishment most lated violence involved The Metropolitan State College of at Public Safety, but was not sat- some really extraordinary crimes of the day and consumed the better Metrepellent's columnist, Dave

Denver Campus. isfied with their answers. however. part of three kegs of beer. Plank. Apparently the campus is the "They had a list of statutes that "You wouldn't believe some of Brodell, naming, then defining Plank had been beaten badly by

only area in the nation that has they said they adhered to," Brodell the places people have been found, the statute he was violating, pulled a group of about 15 people. The such a low crime rate in the midst said. "For my money, they didn't you know, copulating," he said. off his stocking cap, slapped only description of the assailants of the highest crime district in a even know what statutes they were Among other crimes commit- Ferguson in the face and challenged Plank was capable of giving was metropolitan area. citing ... probably something about ted on campus, removing the him to a duel. that they all wore bright yellow

"We don't want to imply that how dueling is illegal in Colorado." stuffing from cushions in the Ferguson, shocked by the as- baseball caps. they had been falsifying reports," Brewer refused to comment on lounges, unauthorized exhibition sault, ran back to Public Safety A rather cryptic report sketched Agent Ben Plantenbugs said. "But allegations that MSCD forces were of video tapes---a direct violation Director Rivera and demanded out details of a group arrest at isn't it hard to believe that this attempting to torture confessions of the FBI wam.ng--and forgery Brodell's head on a platter. MSCD's student publications of-place is some sort of island fortress out of former Auraria Public Safety of student identification cards were According to the report, when fice. The report indicates that the in a turbulent sea of crime?" officer Jim Ferguson and former among the most frequently occur- Brodell was taken in, his only entire staff of The Metrepellent

The investigation had been re- Chief David Rivera by force ring crimes on campus. comment was, "So what, I'm not had committed and had been quested by Campus President feeding them cafeteria patty melts "One of the more intriguing running for political office." committing felonious self-indul-Thomas B. Brewer in conjunction and cold french fries, a direct vio- reports I found, which goes far in Other unusual crimes included gence. with journalism instructor James lation of the Geneva Convention. explaining why I was called here, a report from MSCD student body Plantenbugs said that although Brodell. Plantenbugs said the investiga- was about the teacher who tipped president Dan Holden whose ra- it is an obscure law, it is still pun-

"Jay came in and said he had tion had not yet yielded any solid off Brewer," Plantenbugs said. zor, blades and shaving cream were ishable by death in Colorado. If

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April I , 1991 THE METROPOLITAN 3

SPORTS Westhead replaced I

Hull leaves 'Runners for Nuggets Hoops O'Chondriac The Metrevolting

In a move that has shaken the professional basketball world, the Denver Nuggets have fired head coach Paul Westhead and named Bob Hull from Metropolitan State College of Denver to take over the helm of the pathetic team.

The Nuggets made the an­nouncement of the change at a press conference in the Auraria Student Union broom closet April l.

team will be as a medical consult-ant.

The task facing Hull is a formi­dable one. With the likely possibil­ity of drafting in the lottery, Brodsky said Hull has already prepared a list of possible draftees.

Since the Nuggets plan on cut­ting the payroll by 120 percent, Hull will be limited when draft day rolls around.

With everything considered, Brodsky said Hull is expected to take the best athlete available that will fall into the Nuggets new pay­roll limitations.

Hull said he had more important Hull is already hedging toward things to do and didn't attend the one player who he believes could press conference. Stephan turn the team around in the future. Brodsky, a spokesman for Hull, TriciaBader,the5-foot-4guard said that Hull is thrilled about the from Roaring Fork High School in opportunity to turn around a team Carbondale is that player, Brodsky that obviously has no immediate said. Bader's credentials are im­future, butatthesametimeisdeeply pressive. She led the West Slope saddened about leaving MSCD. team to three straight state cham-

Aftercompilinga 115-57 record pionships and was named Colo­at MSCD, Hull will be taking over rado women's player of the year a Nugget team which, under by both "The Denver Post" and the Westhead,hasarecordofl8-52- "Rocky Mountain News." the worst in the NBA. Michael Adams is in no danger

"I thought we had the right guy of losing his job but Brodsky said forthe job before, but read my lips, he thinks Bader should be able to this time I know we have the right stepinandcontributeimmediately. guy," Peter Bynoe, one of the Hull has said that since Bader is Nuggets' minority owners, said at already more physical than most the press conference. of the Nuggets players, she could

The Nuggets plan to keep seesometimeatthepowerforw~d

Westhead on through the remain- position. der of his contract. Westhead will Other changes are in the works not have any coaching responsi- as well according to Hull and the bilities and his position with the Nuggets organization. Confidence

is a major concern for both. The Nuggets confidence has been shat­tered and rebuilding the self esteem is "priority one."

Brodsky presented a two-step plan that has been devised by Hull to help with the lack of confidence facing the Nuggets:

I. Since the competition in the NBA is obviously too tough for the Denver Nuggets, an easier sched­ule is the only option to get the players to believe they can win.

The Nuggets have commis­sioned the Colorado High School Activities Association to allow them to play against high school opposition.

Playing a high school schedule will help the players gain some confidence and increase the num­ber of wins for the team but Hull doesn't want to jump in feet first.

Brodsky said Hull confessed to him, "'The upper classifications will be too tough for us in the first couple of years.'"

So the Nuggets will play only teams from the I A classifications in the first two years.

2. The second step in rebuilding the Nuggets' confidence is playing in front of larger crowds.

Hull has devised a plan to get a packed house for the Nuggets to play in front of in the future.

Since McNichols Arena has had so many empty seats this season Hull has asked Metro State to al­low the Nuggets to play at the new MSCD Gymnasium when it' s

Denver Nugget Michael Adams responds to news of Westhead's replacement. completed.

The new gymnasium will hold approximately 3,000 people so the Nuggets will have the opportunity to play in a full house.

The Nuggets and Hull realize it may take several years before the Nuggets will attract even close to the3,000requiredtofill theMSCD Gymnasium but they think this will be the "ticket" in re-building the confidence of the Nuggets.

Bynoe said. 'Tm absolutely thrilled about

Hull, Bob that is, running this team," Lee said. " I think that we will be a legitimate contender for the 1 A title, if not next year. defi­nitely the year after."

Wussier was asked at the press conference if he thought the Nug­gets were now on the right track.

"Uh, uh , I ... , uh," Wussier stuttered, and then some drool slid out of the comer of his mouth and Nuggets ownership, the trio of

Bob' Wussier, Bertram Lee and he ran sobbing from the room. Bynoe, are thrilled about adding Hull to the team family.

"Hull, Bob that is, will be the perfect addition to the team and should be the right guy to help us accomplish our ultimate goal of winning a world championship,"

One other announcement that Bynoe wanted to make was that Brodsky left his wallet at the press conference and ifhe needed it back, please call him after his vaction in the Bahamas. If -----------.. ---· .. ----------------------------.. ,.. .. -··-··-··- .. -··-··-··, Opening • . -~~ = ;rs =

Soon! ~ 0~p-·- Probation Officer 1 ,GtZc{~~ ! the NEW

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- - -- -----------

The Auraria Book Center cordially invites you to

APRIL 1-6

A celebration of the books authored by the faculty and staff at

Community College of Denver Metropolitan State College of Denver

University of Colorado at Denver Auraria Higher Education Center

•

~~ . . ~~~:-,",;

Please join us at a reception for the authors on

Wednesday, April 3 from 12-1:30 p.m.

AURARIA BOOK CENTER Lawrence Way & 9th St 556-3230 M-Th 8-6, F 8-5, Sat 10-3

: