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rutgersreview

DEC09

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Editor-in-ChiefMerichelle Villapando

Art DirectorKelly Holechek

Assistant Art Director

Jeff Foster

Culture Editor

Eric Weinstein

Art andEntertainment Editor

Rob Guyla

Music EditorAndrew Sheldon

Potpourri EditorLizzie Plaugic

Copy EditorsSarah PaceDaniel Lee

Christine ChowJohn Connelly

Cover Design by Irene Geller

the

rutgersreview

EditorsLetter

Contributors:K

arin

Oxf

ord(Back

pageE

ditor),R

obert

Luzh

ak

,

Edw

ardMich

aelR

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Cook

,TaraL

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Daniel

Lee,CeciliaTsai,K

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ao,D

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,Eric

San

dberg

,

Nick

Sella

,Elain

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,Ch

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sTon

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sen

,M

aggie

Blah

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,&Sam

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Art/Photo:Ch

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Takacs,Sk

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Last issue of the semester, and myRutgers Review career,

time to get a little weepy. Ive made some really good

friends sitting til 11 oclock on Mondays or Wednesdays in

a room full of quirky, anti-mainstream, hella spunky writers

and colleagues. Im going to miss that in the real world. Ive

watched the paper grow from Adobe Photoshop boxes to

this: a legit publication I will always compare to the Village

Voice. Because always, theRutgers Review has been about

voicing issues, topics and media that should be addressed

and talked about: we are people who have the initiative

to seek that invisible information and share it, but also to

inspire you, our readers, to do the same. In saying that, I

hope the evolution of theRutgers Review will only continue

to adapt to the times, because from what Ive seen in my

two and a half years slash ve semesters- the world needs

more shit like theRutgers Review. At least, Rutgers does.

Peace out!

Merichelle Villapando

Whoa.

Goodbye from the Art DirectorAfter working with the Rutgers Reviewfora year and a half, its my time to move on.Although itll be sad not working with the

Reviewanymore, I know it will be left in goodhands. Our current Assistant Art Director,Jeff, will be taking over my position next

semester. I know he will do a great job andbring the magazine to the next level.

Good Luck Jeff!

-Kelly Holechek Kelly and Jeff

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contributing writer

Mark Hansen

Art by Irene Geller

ModernSlaveryintheUnitedStates

We all know what slavery is, I wont BS you about that, but I think

higher education school systems place the concept of slavery in a time

when our country was underdeveloped in its views on equality. Slavery still

exists, and every single year, more than 17,000 individuals are trafcked

into the United States to become slaves. How can this be in this day and

age? According to ndings made by the Human Rights Center of UC

Berkley, over 45% of all slaves trafcked into the United States become

prostitutes (a third of which are under the age of 18). These are startling

statistics, especially when some of these slaves ironically nd themselves

in Washington D.C., the birthplace of the Emancipation Proclamation.

Let it be known, that none of these individuals sign themselves away

to slavery knowingly. These modern day captors use the potent American

Dream as their instrument to convince misinformed foreigners. After

having been promised education, high paying jobs, and opportunities upon

arrival, the soon-to-be slave will usually give money to their soon-to-be

captors in order to arrange for travel to the US. While some foreigners pay

to go to the US under false pretenses, usually foreigners are paid to work

in the United States. While the average slave costs $90 (the amount these

foreigners are paid to work in the United States), it will vary depending

on age, health, strengths, and beauty. In some countries, such as Ghana and

Cameroon, you can acquire a slave for as low as

$75. Thats right, slaves are cheaper now than they

were at the height of the triangular trade- the cost

equivalent today would be $40,000.

After arrival, slavery becomes apparent

to the victims when they receive death threats

and notice their life conditions deteriorating as

their pay checks go directly towards paying off

an always increasing debt at incredible interest

rates. But perhaps, it might even be when rape

and bodily harm are inicted upon them, that

they realize the situation they are in. Even though

the world community has nearly extinguished

legal slave labor and the US government funds

140 programs to eliminate trafcking, slavery

has reincarnated itself within 90 US cities. With

domestic slavery on our doorsteps, one NGO,Free

the Slaves, says the best way of preventing slaveryin your neighborhood is by being involved in

your neighbors life. While community awareness

is paramount to solving this problem, this raises

the question of personal privacy and what degree

of responsibility a neighbor has in the lives of

others. Would you want people meddling around

in your lives because they suspect you of having

slaves? Where do we draw the line and will this

incentive for interaction between neighbors make

communities stronger?

In 2002, Long Island resident and

international perfume maker Mahender

Sabhnani and his wife Varsha Sabhnani housed

two Indonesian servants in their $2,000,000

residence. The couple is now in jail for a combinedtotal of 14 years and 4 months after evidence

was presented showing how the couple punished

their domestic slaves with umbrellas, canes, and

knives after the servants were caught scavenging

the garbage for food. But the Sabhnani family

is not alone. Economic disparity amidst global

economic crises also fuels the slave trade. Today,

approximately 12.3 million individuals are

enslaved throughout the world. Legislation and

good intentions cannot stop global issues unless a

proactive community-based movement is initiated.

Our willpower cannot slacken with such a simple,

yet important problem literally on our doorsteps.

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You know who you look like? she slurred as she pulled

her mouth out of the red solo cup in her hand. I waited in eageranticipation. Dwight! I shot her a confused Jim look.

From The Ofce. She was now yelling, but her friend was

shaking her head in disagreement. No, she said forcefully,

looking like a bobble head in a tube top. Do you listen toWeezer? I had been drinking, but Im pretty sure she added an

extra e or two. Well, I dont think thats accurate, I

offered. What do you mean? mumbled the one with the

curly hair. It just doesnt seem right. In like-- Something

behind me caught her attention. --A Utilitarian sense? Or

are you a Kantian moral philosopher? she asked. No one was

more surprised than I was. No. It doesnt seem right as

in, I stopped, realizing the importance of choosing my words

carefully, an accurate way to describe my physical appearance.

***

Waiting for a response to my knocking, I could see my

reection staring back at me from the winter glass in the frontscreen door, left in out of season. In an attempt to conduct

myself with an air of professionalism I had taken a large chunkof my guitar-teaching money and dropped some serious ow on

the cheeriest of button down shirts and casual dress slacks, but

the stranger staring back at me was forcing me to second guess

such a strategy. My students father opened the door. Oh.

Dont you look sharp, he commented. I smiled, feeling a little

stupid. Thanks, I said. You look like a young

Elvis Costello. I didnt, and I still dont.

***

Id been having trouble reading the board in

my second period math class. Being the age of 13, Id just

discovered the hilarious oblivion of Late Night with ConanOBrian, and decided to write my vision problems off as the

lack of sleep I was now getting. After a few low test scores,

my teacher decided to move me to the front of the room,

and suddenly my increasing grades brought my eyesight

in to question and I was sent to an opthamologist.

Glasses were the last thing I wanted. I worried about wearingthem on roller coasters, leaving them behind after a summer

swim, and the valuable CD space the case

Black

RimmedGlassesTHICwould take up in my backpack. The physical act ofwearing the glasses didnt phase me, however: Id

worn sunglasses before and was quick to remember

how easy it was to forget the frames resting on your

nose. The big grey era was style. With my round

face, the woman at the glasses outlet suggested ovalframes or something rectangular. As a result, she

placed a handful of subtle wire frames with small

oval lenses that seemed to be barely there. Then,

my eyes caught a glimpse of a pair of thick rim

glasses that remained on the shelf. Can I try

those on? I asked. Sure, she said uneasily. I

walked over, put the frames on my face and looked

in to the mirror. Oh, look at that, she said as

she

walkedup behind

me. You look

just like Buddy Holly.

Her comment made me roll

my eyes and wish that she were

the one who resembled Buddy Holly --

sitting on an ill-fated airplane.

***I heard my roommates yelling

upstairs so I went out into the hallway

to see what was going on. Did you

see that, Sheldon? I heard Brianyell from upstairs. What?

I yelled back. I hear the sonic

intervals in Ryans high-pitched

laughter. Apparently something

was fucking hilarious. You were

on South Park, Erik said in

between chuckles. What? I

repeated. There was a kid

who looked just like you in the

background of one of the shots,

Ryan explained from one oor

up. It was the funniest part of

the show. At my computerthe next day, I streamed the new

music editor

Andrew Sheldon

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episode again with an eye peeled for my construction paper doppelganger. After two commercial

breaks, I nally caught a glimpse of the character that had been assigned the identity of my South

Park avatar: A boilerplate looking South Park extra with brown hair and no other facial featuresother than a pair of thick-rim glasses. I sighed in exasperation.

Not all people in thick-rim glasses look alike.

PhotosbyMichaelSchwab

withEricWeinstein

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Someone who struck me as wise,

once recommended I stand on a corner for

several hours and just interact with strange

people. Through such interaction with my

environment, he explained, I would cut

through the meat and bone of our society

and see what people were all about, or

better yet, what they do when they just see

some random guy on the corner. I sipped

my warm beverage and agreed noddingly.It seemed to make sense. This guy was

essentially describing the work of an

ethnographer. Not a big deal.

Nah, I thought, Ill never just stand

on the corner and look at people. Thats

a pretty weird thing to do. But his advice

circled in my head for a month or so, and

one night I eventually gave in to a terrible

pang of curiosity. Perhaps it would be

worth it.

I arm myself with a box of cigarettes,

a lighter, a list of house parties my

housemate has assembled for me, and an

internal map of New Brunswicks sixthward. Im well equipped to deal with

anyones night-on-the-town needs, I tell

myself, and then I mosey on down to the

corner of Hamilton and Easton. It isnt

until around 10:30 that I begin to see signs

of life.

Tiny packs of students begin

walking in line formations along the

avenue, recanting their tales of the night

before. (What did she say?/ I told him

to get his pizza/ I cant believe you

punched him in the face/ Fantastic,

Bro.) Things are uninteresting at this

point, so I retreat back to my house where

I can sit on the porch and gauge the nights

potential. My housemates ask me what my

plans are for the night. I tell them, and they

become uncomfortable.

Thats creepy, man.

I know, right?

Feeling unwelcomed at home, I return

to the corner, where a car almost hits a guy

who runs into the street. Honks and hand

gestures are shared and our hero crosses

the street

Fuck, he tells me. Did you see that

shit?

Yeah, you almost got hit by a car. I

tell him.

Everybodys drunk, he advises me.

You got a cigarette, by chance?

Our hero becomes Vincent fromManalapin. Hes visiting his boy on

________ street. Vincent tells me

his story, but it somehow becomes

complicated and nally ends with

abandonment at the Grease Trucks.

You know ________ street? he

asks, and I point him in a direction.

Vincent walks off, but only after he pees

on a house.

FuckingJuice, he cries.

Not more than 15 minutes pass before

a platoon storms my corner. Its made

up of about 16 females and around ninemales.

Dicks everywhere! one male shouts.

FUCKING DICKS, comments

another. They are disillusioned since they

didnt meet the ratio at Sig Ep.

Look at all these GIRLS! one of the

males shouts as he prepares to do some

jumping jacks. The frustration is visceral

and the girls look unsatised, and cold.

One of the party members checks his

phone, he just got a text message.

Were going to ________ Street! he

announces and they departbut not afterI bum out nine cigarettes and point them

down the road.

Are you sure I can have this bogue?

Sure.

Do you have a light?

Sure.

It seems that I can measure my new

wisdom in empty cigarette boxes. At that

point, I decide its time to buy a parmesan

sub.

AC

REEP

ERS

cultureeditor

EricWeinstein

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Welcome to New Brunswick, whenSeasides closed for the winter, guidos

nd home here. Guidos are dened byurbandictionary as a sad pathetic excuse for

a male, not necessarily of Italian descent, butmost likely; usually native to the New York/

New Jersey Tri-State area. We know whata guido is, but do we know whoa guido is?

Like really know them? I do. In fact I lived withthem, partied with them, and oh my God, I even

dated one. (Without a blowout, with the chesthair). Im not proud. Guidos get a pretty bad rep

anywhere, even when people dont know whata guido is, they make a face at the sound, a

mixture between an awkward whine and the grossest part of yourbody- gwee-toe!But I think its time I come forward and tell the truth

about guidos: some, yes, some, really arent that bad.They all did not start this way, and contrary to popular depiction,

I have met a handful who arent white and who do not inexplicablyshout drunkenly at you in casual conversation. For instance, my one

roommate, soon to be guido, used to be really skinny. Only after heobtained large muscles and gained forty pounds via alleged steroid

use, muscle powder, and iron pumping, did he start to transform.His gentle smile turned cocky. His soft hair turned hard and gel-

like. Finally, he stopped wearing regular t-shirts and only wore wifebeaters- the ultimate sign that something was amiss. And I dont

know who to blame. Was it the fact that he was Italian with sproutsof chest hair that made the transformation inevitable? Was it the

fact that he lived in New Brunswick, a toxic environment whose barscene and guido overpopulation helped to shape him this way? Or

was it really, deep down, his true identity? Perhaps he was alwaysa guido waiting to be released onto a world were guidettes would

holler at him?Because truth be told, I believe guidettes are perhaps more of

the threat to normative society than guidos. Guidettes are simplywanna be Playgirls and Hooters women who couldnt make it big.

Guidos create comic relief for everyone around us. Think aboutit. Whole sites have been dedicated and can thank their success

upon the guido lifestyle, from the My New Haircut youtube video,

to hotchickswithdouchebags.com and guidostpump.com siteswhose pictures garner discussions about who you dont want to

look like. We love to laugh at the guido so much, that MTV hascapitalized on this phenomenon and is launching Jersey Shore

this December, soon to be on par with the classics of trash andreality TV.

Oh, to be a guido, is to be a part of a culture that is a Jerseyoriginal. To be a part of a counterculture that the world doesnt

accept. In that sense, guidos can be beautiful, and sadly yes, theycan be human, too.

The Fist Pump.The Blow Out.The OverMuscular Body.Overspent

paycheck.Dirty Lingo.

AndOrange Tan.

Art by Irene Geller

editor-in-chief

Michelle Villapando

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There is something immensely beautiful in

athletics. There is something graceful and satisfying

about watching physical competition. Some look

at a sports statistic like a batting average and call

it a number, but I say a statistic is a work of art, an

achievement that can stand on its own, to be admired

and gazed upon. A good game between two good

teams is a like a detailed painting-- every awless

execution or clutch play another shade or texture.

Organized athletics, thought not often viewed as

such, is a performance art, just like theatre, music or

dance, except they are not scripted or predetermined.They are competitive. They are about the clash ofdifferent artists, each exing their own physical and

mental skill. The purpose of all art is to entertain, to

teach lessons or to comment on society, appearing

in athletics as stories of underdog teams overcoming

titans.

Consider the Giants Super Bowl victory

against the New England Patriots. Not only was

it an exciting game in which two evenly matched

teams battled for the highest honor, but it was also

a metaphor for life. It demonstrated to Americans

the painful truth that just because someone is the

best at something does not mean they will achieve

the best outcome. The Patriots were the best team

in football, clearly demonstrated by their perfect

winning record and incredible individual statistics.

However, in the one game that would matter most,

another team who had not shown its worth nearly

enough, snatched away victory with David Tyreesnear superhuman catch in the fourth quarter. Though

a happy ending for New York fans, objectively, it

was a tragedy. The Patriots fell from

grace and lost the empire

of sweat and blood they

had built. Whether

it was their

own aws

nally bubbling

over, or the

Giants nding

inspiration, the best

team was denied

the fruits of theirlabor and doomedto be a footnote. It was

Shakespearean, and it was

beautiful.

One could venture

a step further than just

calling sports a form of

performance art. One could

say any type of conict or

physical struggle is art for

the same reasons. Next time

you watch an athletic event

view, consider what is below

the surface of the experience.

Consider its inherent beauty,

like the clash of two colors in

a painting, swirled together

and each vying to catch the

eye of a passerby.

The Theater,The Drama,

The Beauty,

The Sportcontributing writer

Edward Reep

Art by Irene Geller

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music editor

Andrew Sheldon

HBOsCurb Your Enthusiasmhasalwaysperformedabalancingactbetweenrealityandction.ThismightstemfromcreatorLarryDavidswritinghabitofjottingdownlittlenotesonsocialeventsthathappentohimthroughouthisday.Asaresult,thestarofLarryDavidsCurb Your EnthusiasmisctionalizedportrayalLarryDavid,asplayedbyLarryDavidhimself. Thecastofsupportingcharactersonlyfurtherblursthisline.Mostsupportingandrecurringcharactersplaythemselvesorcharacterswhosharethesamerstname:CherylHinesplaysLarryswifeCherylDavid,whileLarrysagentJeffGreeneisperformedbyJeffGarlin.Jeffsctionalbig-mouthwifeSusieGreeneisplayedbymild-manneredSusieEssman.ComedianRichardLewisandactorTedDansonfrequentlyappearontheshow,playingskewedversionsofthemselves.

ItsDavidstalentofskewingtheselinesthroughhisnarrativethatreallymakesCurb shine.PerhapsthemostfamousexampleofthisistheiconiccharacterofGeorgeCastanzaofTVsSeinfeld,whowasbasedonDavid.This

nuancehascarriedthroughouthistenureaswriter/starofCurb:Andwhenheandhiswifeoffourteenyearswenttheirseparatewaysin2007,CherylnallydecidedshewasdonewithctionalLarry.ThisiswhereSeason7picksupthenarrativeofLarryDavidslife.

Unhappywithhiscurrentrelationship,LarrydevisesaschemetowinCherylback:HewillwriteaSeinfeldreunionaboutGeorgeConstanzatryingtowinbackhiswifeAmanda,aparthepromisestoCheryl.LuckilyfortheCurbaudience(andHBO),theplaninvolvesgettingtheentirecastoftelevisioniconstogether.Episode3(titledThe Reunion)bringsthecastofSeinfeldtogetheronthesametelevisionprogramforthersttimesincethelacklusterSeinfeldnalein1998.

MuchlikeRichardLewisorTedDanson,thecastappearsasctionalizedversionsofthemselves,antagonizingLarrythroughaseriesofmiscommunicationsanddifferentiatingperspectives.JerrySeinfeldshinesinawayheneverdidonhisownshow.ThroughsevenseasonsofCurb,neverhasDavidrespondtoanactorwithsuchsincerelaughterashedoesinhissceneswithJerry.Fromanoutsideperspective,itbecomesobvioushowthesetwomencouldworktogethertocreateoneofthemostinuentialtelevisionseriesofalltime.

MichaelRichardsalsoshineslikeneverbefore,nallybeinggiventheopportunitytobreakthecareerhinderingKramermode.InhisrstsceneonCurb,Richardssitsquietlyacrossthetablefromanover-excitedDavidwhosoundslikeausedcarsalesmanas

hesellshimtheideaofareunion.Richardssitsinquietcontemplation,awkwardlyglancingaroundtherestaurantatthepicturesofnakedwomenthathangonthewalls.AnotherwonderfulsegmenthasRichardsaddressinghisracistoutburstofthreeyearsagoasaresultofaseriesof

miscommunicationstoointricatetoruininareview.

ButnothingquiteblursthelinebetweenctionandrealityquitelikewhenLarryandJasonAlexander(famousforhisportrayalofGeorge)meetwithintheworldofCurb.Theresultissomethinglikewhatmighthappeniftwoofthesamepersonweretobendthelimitationsofthespace-timecontinuumandcrosspaths:Totalcatastrophe.Inthenalepisodeoftheseason,LarryndshimselfheadtoheadwithJasoninastruggleforCherylsaffection,theresolutionofwhichissowonderfullyskewedinawayonlyLarryDavidcouldorganize;itcouldnthaveconcludedanyotherway.

From an outside perspective, it becomes obvious how these twomen could work together to create one of the most influential

television series of all time.

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music editor

Andrew Sheldon

Theres something particular

about Wes Andersons lms

(beyond the basic aesthetic caused

by his constant use of a wide-

angle lens (see: Rushmore, The

Royal Tennenbaums, and The Life

Aquatic with Steve Zissou). It rests

somewhere in between his knack for

soundtrack choice (the use of Nicos

These Days in Tennenbaums may

be one of the best uses of a pop

song in cinema ever), his ear for

subtle but hilarious dialogue, and his

distinct style that leaves the viewer

wondering which time period the

lm is set in exactly.

None of this changes with his

rst animated feature, The Fantastic

Mr. Fox. Filmed with stop-motion

animation, the lm retains all of

the subtleties and attention to detail

given to every other of Andersons

lms while offering the viewer an

entirely new and unbelievable world.

This is the most important thing

aboutMr. Fox: Anderson refuses to

treat his audience like idiots, despite

the lms target demographic.

So what if theres dialogue

referring to existentialism? And so

what if Mr. Fox uses a few French

words that may go over the heads

of a few kids (and probably just as

many adults)? And just what would

be so terrible if a Mr. Foxs internal

struggle between his animalistic

instincts and the connes of society

echoed Freuds Civilization and Its

Discontents? When did Hollywood

decide that kids movies had to

provide all of the answers? The

totality of Andersons vision, from

the tremendous sceneries of painted

skies to the wonderful voice talents

of George Clooney, Meryl Streep,

and Bill Murray, paints a world on

the screen that is as welcoming as it

is new.

In The Fantastic Mr. Fox,

director Wes Anderson has managed

to adapt and expand upon the Roald

Dahl classic into a fresh feature-

length animated lm that is just as

enjoyable for a twenty-something

as it is for its target demographic.

Simply put, its justfun

Fantastic Mr. FoxThe

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I sincerely believe that Charles Dickens himselfwould be proud of Robert Zemeckiss loyal and,at times, playful translation of A Christmas Carol.This is the rst movie I have seen in 3-D (IMAX3-D, no less), and I can honestly attest that it wasworth all fourteen dollars I paid to see it. Zemeckis,as opposed to other lmmakers who use 3-Dtechnology almost as a gimmick, proves that heis one of the few who are able to draw the linebetween content and technology. There is a good

amount of playing and experimenting with thetechnology: Scrooge ies Superman-style throughthe streets of London, skyrockets into space, andees from a mysterious horse-drawn carriage afterbeing shrunk to the size of a street rat.

The animation shifts and turns nearly as much

as Scrooges ight patterns. The streets of Londonare dark, desolate and colorless; Scrooges houseis mysterious, cavernous and empty; conversely,the living room of Fred and the workplace of Mr.Fezziwig are bright and alive. These scenes not onlyproject, but embody their characters.

Zemeckis, perhaps more than any otheradaptation, preserves the spirit of Dickens belovedtale. He does not shy away from the horror of The

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, and the nalhalf hour of the movie sent my heart pounding asScrooge holds onto a tree root suspended over hisown cofn, clenching for dear life. Is A ChristmasCarol a childrens movie? Not really, but, then again,Dickenss novel wasnt a childrens book either.

a&e editorRob Guyla

A Christmas Carol

Scrooge

ies Superman-

style through the

streets of London,skyrockets into

space, and ees

from a mysterious

horse-drawn

carriage after

being shrunk to

the size of a street

rat.

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Annie Hallhas become the standard for romantic comedies. It features Allen as

its avatar, Alvy Singer, alongside Diane Keaton as his ditzy girlfriend, Annie. It had

a much quirkier tone than other rom coms and showed Allens cynical outlook.

The lm won several awards including four academy awards, a BAFTA, and was

recognized by the National Film Registry as culturally signicant

Allen has always been opposed to the American studio system and in recent

years has been doing lms shot in foreign locales. This past year, his Vicky Christina

Barcelona was recognized by critics and recieved several awards, including four

Golden Globes nominations and one win.His most recent project is You Will Meet a

Tall Dark Strangerstarring Antonio Banderas and Josh Brolin.

Judd Apatow-While few qualify Apatow as acclaimed,the lmmaker

inuenced the romantic comedy genre similar to Allen. Despite making screwball

comedies initially, Allen took the genre and turned it on its head with a more

somber and cynical view. Apatow is well known for his off-beat bromance lms.

Still, theres promise of growing maturity with Funny People a comedic yet tragic

deconstruction of the comedic formula he pioneered.

-Rob Cook

The Man With No Name Series-Clint Eastwood

revolutionized the way we view westerns with his

grizzled,nameless antihero. Directed by Sergio

Leone, this series had its protagonist travellingto various western towns, leaving destruction in

his wake. Eastwood portrayed this character inA

Fistful of Dollars,For a Few More Dollars,and The

Good,The Bad, and The Ugly.

Recently, Eastwood has transitioned from action

movie star into maverick director in this decade. His

successes lude Mystic River,Letters from Iwo Jima,

andFlags of our Fathers. Hes currently working

onInvictus, based on Nelson Mandelas life during

the 1995 Rugby World Cup in South Africa, and

Hereafter, a thrilling starring Matt Damon as a

reluctant psychic.

At this point, the only one that I could seereplacing Eastwood is James Franco, a multitalented

actor-director and writer. He needs time to mature,

but, when he truly comes into his own, he will

surprise.

-Rob Cook

After a brief respite, Mirren smashed her way back into theAmerican lm industry in 2006 with her academy award winning

performance in The Queen, easily the crowning achievement of her

illustrious career. She also played a supporting role in the critically

successful who-done-it Gosford Park. In total, she has been

nominated for Three Acting Oscars forThe Queen, Gosford Parkand

The Madness of King George. She has also been successful on the tube,

winning two emmies for her performances inElizabeth IandPrime

Suspect: The Final Act.

Currently, Mirren has two movies due to debut in the forthcoming

year. The Debt, the story of the prosecution of Nazis during the 1960s,

andRed, where she will be acting alongside Bruce Willis, Morgan

Freeman and John C. Reilly.

Penelope Cruz could be the one to replace Helen Mirren. She hasalready been recognized several times for her supporting roles in Vicky

Christina Barcelona and Volver, and is receiving a lot of buzz for her

upcoming role inNine.

-Rob Gulya

OldActor

Helen Mirren

Woody Allen Clint Eastwood

Meryl Streep in The

Devil Wears Prada

Helen Mirren in

The Queen

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13the rutgers review

arts&entertainment

If I have to tell you who Meryl Streep is, for shame! With

chameleon looks and accents, Streep has earned thirteen Oscar

nominations and two wins for her performances in a variety of

lm genres that span over thirty years. Trying to narrow down

Streeps work to one singular best is nearly impossible with

dramas like Sophies Choice and Out of Africa, to comedies likeThe Devil Wears Prada and Mamma Mia! There are few actors,

male or female, who can compare with Streep, who at sixty, still

has rising stock in Hollywood.

Streep is continuing to expand her lm genres by lending

her voice to this years highly anticipatedFantastic Mr. Fox,

which is currently in theatres. This Christmas, Streep will be

starring in the comedyIts Complicatedwith Steve Martin and

Alec Baldwin. While it will be hard for anyone to ever replace

Meryl Streep, Kate Winslet is closely following in her shadow.

Winslet has the same versatility and depth, moving from projects

like Sense & Sensibility and Titanic toEternal Sunshine of the

Spotless Mindand The Holiday. With such great potential there

are no limits for these two phenomenal actresses.

-Tara Young

Robert DeNiro is, no doubt, one of the best actors of his

generation. Getting his start in Greetings in 1968, De Niro

went one to be nominated for seven academy awards for lead

actor and win twice. He has an extensive career with Martin

Scorese and Francis Ford Copolla. De Niro is famous for

the preparation for every part he plays, and it shows in his

exceptional work, even with mediocre scripts, evidenced in

Men of Honor.

DeNiros newest lm,Everyones Fine, which opened

December 4, is receiving positive early reviews, and The Star-

Ledgerclaimed that he has never played a more inspirational

and moving role. Next year, DeNiro will reunite with Ben

Stiller forLittle Fockers, another sequel to the highly

successful Meet the Parents.

Appropriately, the only one who could replace De Niro

in fact played beside him in one of his earliest roles. Perhaps

the best young actor in Hollywood, Leonardo DiCaprio has

several outstanding performances under his belt already. Like

De Niro, Martin Scorese seems to have taken a strong liking to

him, directing him in Gangs of New York, The Aviatorand the

upcoming Shutter Island.

-Rob Gulya

Old age comes hard for most of us. Hell, at sixty, most of

us are just happy to be in one piece. However, in light ofThe Fantastic Mr. Fox and Everybodys Fine, the Arts and

Entertainment staff at the Rutgers Review would like tosalute these old actors (with an adverage age of 68!) who

keep themselves fresh, providing the viewing public with

constantly delightful performances.-Rob Gulya

,

reshRoles

Meryl Streep

Robert DeNiro

Woody Allen in

Annie Hall

Clint Eastwood in

A Fistful of Dollars

Robert DeNiro in

Everybodys Fine

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Startdecking

thosehalls,its

thattimeo

yearagain.Well,December

anyway.Andthatmeansthat

allthosesummerbarbeque

jamswillmovedownonyour

op25MostPlayedmusiclist,andChristmassongswill

bemovinonup.Christmas

musicisimpossibletoavoid

inDecember,andimpossible

tolistentoatanyother

time.Whyisanentiregenre

omusicconnedtoone

monthoutotheyear?Its

cooltolistentoyourpunk

rockrecordsyear-round,but

startspinninsomeJamesBrownChristmas

melodiesin

April,andall

youllgetis

raisedeyebrows

andsarcasticremarkso,

Uh,wrongseason.Really?

WRONGSEASON?Isnt

thatstrangetoanybody?

Followmenow.Imagine

youcouldonlylistentoFleetFoxesinJuneandRadiohead

inFebruary.Regardlessothe

actthatRadioheadisgetting

uckedoverbecauseFebruary

isshort,thisideawould

beconsideredutterly

ridiculousianyone

actuallytriedtoenorceit.

hisiswhyI

movetomake

Christmas

musicayear-round

commodity.Christmas

albumswontberestricted

toreleasedatespost-

Tanksgiving.AndChristmasmusicwillshareequalairplay

timewitheveryothergenre

omusicevenduringthe

holidayseason.Ithinkoneo

thereasonsChristmasmusic

getsabadrapisbecausesince

Decembercame,theweather

outsidemustberightul,

thechestnuts

must

be

roastingon

openres,andChristmas

musicmustplay.Nonstop.By

thetimeChristmasEverolls

around,thesoundoSantas

sleighbellsmakesmostpeople

wanttogagromJingleBells

overload.Soiwethinko

Christmasmusicaswewouldthinkoanyothergenreo

music,andstopcramming

asmuchoitaswecan

intoa30-dayspan,thenwe

shouldbeabletoseamlessly

incorporateitintoourdaily

lives.

A

ndIllbe

honestwith

you:some

CHRISTMAS

MUSICBy Lizzie PlaugicPotpourri Editor

Christmasmusicjustplain

sucks.ChristmasShoesis

awul,andiIhearMariah

Careytellmethattheonly

presentshewantsisme

underneathherChristmas

treeagain,Imayburndownanevergreenorest.Andyes,

somesongsareclassics--Bing

Crosbycandenitelybeltouta

tune--butsomeChristmas

classicsare,atno

aulto

Bings,

overplayed.Butalotoitisunashelltolistento.

Now,slowdownandkeepyour

hippantson,becauseIrepeat:

Christmasmusicisunto

listento.AndwithBright

EyesandSuanStevens

makingChristmindie

(Christmasindie)albums,

andthelikesoYoLa

engo,omWaits

andtheFlamingLipsthrowingdown

Christmastracks,

youcantotallytalk

aboutitonyour

musicblogand

stillseemhipas

shit.Winor

you.

Soletsallget

behindmeon

thisone,orIll

tellthebigguyintheredsuit

toputcoalinyourstocking.

Andiyourestillsayingthat

Christmasmusicislameandlackinginanysortomusical

substance,justhumorme,

becauseitsChristmas,

orgoodness

sake.

Imagineyou

couldon

lylistent

oFleetFo

x-

esinJune

andRadioh

eadinFe

bruary.

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The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Timecontains some of the most iconicscenes in video gaming; includingLinks first venture into Hyrule Field andthe defeat of Ganons final form in theclimax. Accompanying these scenes

are beautiful leitmotifs that capture thefeeling of adventure that defines theseries.

Team Teamwork, a group of remixmaestros based in Somerville,Massachusetts,decided to take theselegendary themes and combine themwith various hip hop tracks frompopular artists such as Busta Rhymesand Jay-Z. At first, the idea of merging

the earthy and epic tunes of Ocarinaof Time with the urban grittiness of hip

hop seemed like asilly novelty. I came to realize thatTeamwork had actually made intelligentchoices in whatsongs to remix and the final result isquite good.

The first track is Clipses Virginiacombined with the Lost Woods theme.

The childlike,upbeat tone of the themeprovides a great contrast to Clipsesdark prose of drug dealing andviolence. Fans of the original Virginiawill probably find this a very jarring mix.This is one of the oddest combinations

given the intense subject matter ofthe lyrics, but it serves as kind of anintroduction into this world Teamworkhas created where two distinct realms

have come together.

My favorite two tracks on the albumis Jay-Zs No Hook combined with theMeeting The Owl theme and Slim Thugand Mike Jones Still Tippin combinedwith the Great Fairys Theme. On NoHook,Jay-Z tells a coming of age talewith no chorus which is a great parallelto the Owl ushering Link into his

journey. While No Hook/Meeting TheOwl is great for its narrative parallel,StillTippin/Great Fairy Theme simplysounds beautiful. The two rapperssouthern drawl flows serenely over thedreamy tone of the Great Fairy Themelike an urban fantasy brought to life.

This album is an amazing fusion oftwo very different forms of music andshows the talents of Team Teamwork.I reccomend it to anyone whos a fan

of Legend of Zelda or hip hop. Youcan find these tracks and more oftheir work on teamwork.bandcamp.

com, myspace.com/teamteamwork, or8tracks.com/teamteamwork

eam eamwork-Ocarina of Rhyme

At frst, the idea o merging theearthy and epic tunes o Ocarinao Time with the urban grittinesso hip hop seemed like a silly novelty. I came to realize that Team-work had actually made intelligentchoices in what songs to remix

To

p

Reco

rdsYou

Haven

t

He

ard

Thi

sYear..

..innoparticularo

rder

2

009

The Doves - Kingdom of Rust

Panda Bear - Person PitchAndrew Bird - Noble BeastNeon Indian - Psychic ChasmsPhoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus PhoenixGrizzly Bear - VeckatimestMethod Man & Redman - Blackout 2!Animal Collective - Merriweather Post PavilionDavid Bazan - Curse Your BranchesMm - Sing Along to Songs You Dont KnowThe Thermals - Now We Can SeeJay-z - The Blueprint 3

The Antlers - HospiceWilco - Wilco (the album)Why? - Eskimo SnowYo La Tengo - Popular SongsBuilt to Spill - There Is No EnemyThe Flaming Lips - EmbryonicLisa Hannigan - Sea SewThe Rentals - Songs About TimeAmerican Steel - Dear Friends & Gentle HeartsDear Landlord - Dream Homes

The xx - The xx

By Rob CookCulture Editor

ByIreneGe

ller

ContributingWriter

ArtworkB

yIreneGe

ller

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I

f theres one great thing

about a New Brunswick

basement show, its that,

for $5 and a backpack fullof Pabst, its generally a good

way to spend a Friday night.

Of course, there are always

exceptions. On one random

October Thursday, my best

friend and I ended up in a

basement, awkwardly trying to

listen to a German man who

personied Sascha Baron

Cohens Bruno. Im serious.

But sometimes you

come across a great basementshow. You buy the LP and a

shirt, stay up all night listening

to every myspace song they

have posted. If you were lucky

enough to see Jawbreakers

Blake Schwarzenbach play a

packed basement with his new

band, forgetters, Im sure you

know that feeling. And if youve

heard of JEFF the Brotherhood,

a psychedelic punk band from

Nashville, Tennessee, youve

probably been waiting for theday when they arrive in the esh

to play a show in our great city.

Not that we should

consider ourselves that lucky.

JEFF the Brotherhood will

play a show anywhere. As

brothers, Jake and Jamin Orrall

(ex-Be Your Own Pet guitarist

and drummer) have played

an assortment of backyards,

rooftops, art galleries and

basements all over the country

since 2006. Sharing bills with

Sonic Youth, Ted Leo and the

Pharmacists and Jay Reatard,

these two brothers have made

a serious impression on the

basement punk scene.

Released on October

18, their breakthrough record,

Heavy Days, features anassortment of noisy grunge-punk

songs, and for a lo- record, its

pretty impressive. With a three-

string guitar and a small drum

kit, JEFF manages to sound like

the offspring of Devo and Black

Moth Super Rainbow. Weird,

but somehow it works, and each

song is just as gut-wrenchingly

surprising as the next.

One of my favorite

trackson Heavy Daysis Bone

Jam, a post-punk dance tune

full of messy guitar riffs and

echoing lyrics. U Got the

Look illuminates the albums

punk side,

and sounds

like Rivers

Cuomo and

Kurt Cobain

recorded a

jam session

together in a

basement. As weird as it sounds,

thats what the band does best.

It shakes it up for four minutes,

calms it down for three more,and sends you dancing for the

rest of the album.

On a lot of the songs, I

cant help but hear a familiarity

of sorts from all different genres.

For a couple seconds it sounds

like a bad Fugazi cover band at

a senior prom, and then a few

seconds later, I hear the Beach

Boys intertwined with Greg

Ginns solid guitar-playing. They

mix sounds as perfectly as three

strings and a couple drums can,

leaving your ear drums pretty

satised and your head still

bobbing.

Just like their split with

Screaming Females, Heavy

Daysis totally unpredictable and

unpredictably enjoyable, lling

venues up and down the East

coast with raw, basement-quality

punk for the albums entire 31

minutes.

"JEFF the Brotherhood will play ashow anywhere. As brothers, Jake

and Jamin Orrall (ex-Be Your Own

Pet guitarist and drummer) have

played an assortment of backyards,

rooftops, art galleries and basements

all over the country since 2006. "

jef

FtH

EbrotherhoOd

jamMing EconOB

ySarahPace

Contributin

gWriter

photoby

be

ka

hcope

photo bybekah cope

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By Ed ReepContributing Writer

Somesongsarejustbadmusic.The

tunedarentverystrong,theinstrumen-

tationisbland,andtheysimplydonot

produceanenjoyableexperienceby

virtueosoundintime

thatexpressesideasand

emotionsinsignicant

ormsthroughtheele-mentsorhythm,melody,

harmony,andcolor(to

usethedictionarydeni-

tionomusic).

Theymaystillbegreat

songs,though,because

othelyrics.Theycan

produceanenjoyable

experiencethroughthe

artorhythmicalcom-position,writtenorspo-

ken,orexcitingpleasurebybeautiul,

imaginative,orelevatedthoughtsor,

simply,goodpoetry-containedwithin

thelyrics.

Ineverylyricalsong,therearealways

twoorcesatplaythatcancontributeto

thesongsquality.Theyarethemusic

andthepoetry.Aslongasthesongsuc-

ceedsinoneotheseaspects,alistenerwillusuallyenjoythemselves,andiit

succeedsonbothcounts,thenthatis

onespecialsongwhichcanbeappreci-

atedinmultipleways.Therearealso

instanceswhereasongcannotwork

solelyasmusicoraspoetrybutneeds

elementsrombothtoproduceanover-

allenjoyableexperience.

Asanote,itisgenerallymuchharderto

creategoodpoetrythanitistocreate

goodmusic.Thisdoesnthaveanything

todowiththeactualcreativesynthesis

asthoseprocessesareusuallysimilar

orbotharts.Itratherhastodowiththe

actthatmusichasagreateruniversal

appealtohumanbeings(orwhatever

reasoninourdesign),sothusacatchy

tuneorprettyinstrumentationcangen-

erallyberecognizedandinitiallyappre-

ciatedbyahighproportionopeopleas

comparedtopoetry.

Muchothejoypeoplederiverompoetrycomesromtheirpersonal

experiencesandperceptionsasthey

relatetothewords,sothereisarmore

roomorinterpretationonthelisteners

part.Thismaybethereasonwhyrapis

suchapolarizinggenreasitreliesmuch

moreheavilyonlyricalpoetrythan

othermorewidelyadmiredgenressuch

asrockorpop.

Therealsomustbemadeadistinc-

tionbetweenlyricsthatexistasno

morethanavocalinstrumentandlyrics

whichserveanexpressivepurpose.The

lyricsareactingaspoetry,i

thelistenerreactstowhat

thewordsmean.Oppositely,

thelyricsareactingasmusicithelistenerenjoysthem

simplyorhowtheysound.

Thisisahighlysubjective

interpretation,however.

Considerthatoranindi-

vidualwholistenstoasong

sunginaoreignlanguage,

theexperienceothelyrics

isgenerallyalwaysmusi-

cal.The4thMovementtoBeethovens9thSymphony

(whichincludestheOdetoJoy)is

consideredoneothegreatRomantic

piecesoalltimeandrightullyso,but

somuchowhatmakesitsuchabeau-

tiulsongisthesoundotheGerman

lyrics,whichdonttranslateverywell

intoEnglish.ManyAmericansappreci-

atethesongpurelyasmusicandadore

it,butaGerman,whounderstandsthe

meaningothelyrics,mayhaveato-tallydierentwayoappreciatingthat

song,whetherthatexperienceisbetter

orjustasaecting,yetundeniablydi-

erent.Itsabsurdtosaythatthosewho

donotknowalanguagehaveanadvan-

tageinenjoyingsongsinthatlanguage.

Theoppositeendsothespectrum

rommusictopoetrywouldobviously

"...thus a catchy tune or

pretty instrumentation cangenerally be recognized

and appreciated by a high

proportion of people as

compared to poetry."

MUSIC&POETRYSONIC DUALISM

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Justaboutanyonewithageneralinterestin

musicrecognizesTeBeatlesashaving

anunparalleledinuenceonpopular

music.Overthespanoasingledecade,

TeBeatleswereabletotakeelementso

AmericanBoogieWoogieandold(then:

new)ashionedRocknRollandcreatetheir

ownbrandopopthroughmusicalcreativityandinnovativeproductiontechniques.

Weallknowthis.

However,alotopeopletendtoorgetthe

othergreatpsychedelicpopbandsothe

late60s,bandsthatareobscuredbythe

overwhelmingshadowcastbytheincredible

successoTeBeatles.Toughthese

bandsneverquiteachievedthecommercial

successthatgracedTeBeatles,theywere

sometimesjustasinnovativeandalmost

alwaysjustasenjoyable.

HEURLES

Teresprobablyapop-songpurgatory

existingoutinnothingnesssomewhere

ulloindiscriminatehooksandcatchy

melodiesoyesteryear.Isuchaplacedoes

exist,thenTeurtlesHappyogether

isdenitelyrestingoreternitybetween

TeKnacksMySheronaandthe

BeegeesStayinAlive.Tesesongsweresopopularthattheybecameapartothe

pop-culturelexicon,eachpoppingupat

clichdmoments,orcingtheaudienceto

memorizetheirchorusesandinternalize

theirmelodieswithoutrealizing.(Teresult

isabitterdisdainnotdissimilartoAlexDe

LargesreactiontohisaversiontherapyinA

ClockworkOrange.)

InthecaseoTeurtlesHappy

ogether,thisisaterribleinjusticetoan

otherwisegreatsong.Sureitsbeeninmoviesandtelevision

romnumerousepisodesoTeSimpsonstoFreakyFriday

(evenworse:itwascoveredbySimplePlan),butmaybeits

oneothosesongsyouvejustheardtoomanytimes.And

itsalsoprobablyoneothosesongsthatyouveheardtoo

manytimesbutneverreallylistenedtointherstplace.But

therestotheirbackcatalogueisullopop-gemsjustas

enticingasHappyogether.

YouBabyisabrightertunethanHappyogether;its

tuneisrootedinamajorkeyandtherearenopsychopathic

undertoneshintingthattherelationshipexistsonlyintheprotagonistshead.Aswithanygreatpop-songothetime,

itiscarriedbyasoliddrumbeatandasoaring,harmonic

chorus.

Elenoreismaybetheperectblendobothtracks:itbegins

inaminorkeyasvocalistHowardKaylansingstotheobject

ohisafectionthroughanalmosthauntingmelody.Tis

toneisthenbrokenbythechoruswhich

punchesbyshitingkeysandattitudetoa

majorkey.Itheresabetterpopchorusthan

thisone,Ihaventheardit.

HEZOMBIES

TeZombiesremainanotherbandresiding

intheobscurityopop-songpurgatory,being

mostamousortheirsong,imeothe

Seasonandororiginallydoingthatsong

youprobablythoughtElliottSmithwrote

(CareoCell44).FansoWesAnderson

willalsorecognizetheirsongTeWayIFeel

InsideromhislmTeLieAquaticwith

SteveZissou.Prominentlyeaturedduringauneraloroneothelmscharacters,the

somberacappellamelodycomplimentsthe

scenebrilliantly.Tesongbuildssubtlety,

llingoutwithasotorganandasubtlebass,

asvocalistColinBlunstonecroonsthesongs

hopelesslyrics.

TeiralbumOdesseyandOracleisa1968

rockgemullogreatpopsongsromstart

tonish.Terecordopenswithmelodic

heaven:asimplepianomelodyasthe

T

HE

T

URT

LES

THEZ

OMBI

ES

Resurrections FromPop Song Purgatory

By Andrew SheldonMusic Editor

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"maybe it's oneo those songsyou've justheard too many

times. But it'salso probablyone o thosesongs you'veheard toomany times that

you've never re-ally listened to inthe frst place."introductiontoCareoCell44,the

mostupbeatlovesongeverwrittenabout

imprisonment.SongslikeBrieCandles,

HungUponaDream,IWantHerShe

WantsMeandFriendsoMineallplayonasimilartheme:simple,drivingdrums,

brightguitarsandcatchymelodies-but

allstillmanagetoalterslightlyintheir

delivery.Otherstandouttracksinclude

thebeautiullynostalgicTisWillBe

OurYearandthedarkerButchersale

(WesternFront1914),anorgandriven

protestsongthatColinMeloywisheshe

wrote.

HEVELVEUNDERGROUND

Withinrecenthistory,TeVelvet

Undergroundhasnallystartedgetting

theirduesdespitetheirlackocommercial

successduringtheircareer.Andlike

TeurtlesandTeZombies,Te

VelvetUndergroundsmusichasbecome

surroundedbyaparticularstigmathey

probablyneverguessedwouldhaveever

existed.Teirdebutrecordisprobably

moreamousortheartworkoayellowbananadesignedbyAndyWarholthanits

tentracksodroning,mellowpoptunes.

WiththeirsecondreleaseWhiteLight/White

Heat,thebanddroppeditsrelationshipwith

Warholtoexploreadiferentdirection.Full

onoiserock,jamsegmentsandunorthodox

songstructure,WhiteLightisthemostdistressingandintensereleaseromTeVelvet

Underground.TealbumeaturesTeGit,

aneightminutetrackthateaturesmusicinthe

rightear,andasinglevoicereadingashortstory

inthelet.

Teirthird,sel-titledalbum,isacomplete

one-eightyromthejarringeedback.Te

recordopenswiththechillingCandySays,

asongwrittenoratransvestiteandregular

gureatWarholsExplodingPlasticInevitable.

AnotheroneothemostdelicatesongsontherecordisPaleBlueEyes,adevastating

songounrequitedlovetoldromthehopeless

perspectiveosongwriterLouReed.Tis

recordisalsouniqueinthatiteaturestheonly

VelvetUndergroundsonginwhichdrummer

Mouckersingstheleadvocal-theplayul

soundingAterHours.

THE

VELVETU

NDER

GROUND

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20

MaxMandelbaum

turnedhisheadto

theletandthen

theright,tomake

surenobodywas

inthedairyaisle

othegrocerystore.Hetoreopenagallon

containero2%milk,turneditupsidedown,

andletastreamoitpouroutontotheoor

intoalittlepool.Maxgotdownonalloursandstartedrollingaroundinthepool,lapping

atthemilkprouselywithhisnarrowed

tongue.Upuntilaweekbeore,Maxwasa

proessoroculturalanthropologyatRutgers

University,specializinginthedomesticlieo

AncientEgypt.Hehadjustpickedupalarge

quantityoLSDstufedintoabackpack,and

waswalkingtheseveralblocksbacktohis

apartmentwhenadownpourotorrentialrain

orcedhimtoruntheremainingblocks.Te

raindissolvedtheacidanditseepedinthroughtheporesonhisback.Teporessoakedup

theliquidandconveyedallotheLSDto

hisbrainwithinaspanotenminutes.Max

passedoutinanalleywayandreceivedaseries

orevelationsthattoucheduponeverything

romtheoriginotimeandtheuniverse,to

theunityoallreligionsandtherelationship

betweengoodandevil.Tesecondtolast

revelationMaxreceivedwasthathewas

thepromisedmessianicgureoallworld

religions.Telastrevelationhereceivedwas

thathewas,inact,acat.

Maxsrevelationshadtotallyalteredhislie.

Hehadntbeentoschoolinaweek,andhe

hadadoptedanewoundliteralinterpretation

oallreligioustexts.Accordingly,hebecame

convincedthatasthelocalC-owngrocery

storehadmassquantitiesomilkandhoney,it

wouldbeasuitableplaceorhimtoestablishhiskingdomoheavenandearthandrule

orathousandyears.Asacat,hewasalso

drawntothemilkindependentlyoreligious

convictions.

Anewlyhiredstockboyturnedacorner

towardsthedairyaislewhenhesawMax

rollingaroundinthemilk,contortingand

shakinglikehewashavingtheworldsgreatest

orgasmandreceivingelectroconvulsiveshock

therapyatthesametime.Teboydropped

thecartonsoeggshewascarryingandtheycrackedontheoor,spreadingyellowand

whitestreamsooozethattrickledinthe

directionothemilk.WhattheMarcy!

Marcy!Teresacrazywhiteguyinthedairy

section.Callthepolice!

Whatshedoing?

Um.Youhavetoseethisoryoursel.

Marcywalkedoverromtherontothe

storeandstaredindisbelie.Atertakingthe

sceneinoramomentsheburstoutlaughing,

exclaiming,Ialwayssaidwhitepeoplewerethecraziest!

Rightatthatmomenttwomeninski

masksbarreledthroughtherontdoorsand

shouted,Tisisaholdup.Someoneget

uptotheregisterandgiveusthecash.Be

cool.Everybodyinthestoreshriekedand

reluctantlyscrambledovertotherontothe

delicious.

M

Call the....We n

leave tow

By Samuel DeutschContributing Writer

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21

store.Marcystartedtoruntotheregister,

butshestartedslippingonthemilkand

eggmixture,andgrabbedholdoabox

inastupidattempttokeeprom

alling.Marcyandseveral

boxesocakemixcame

crashingdownto

theooremptyingtheir

contentsalloverthedairyaisle.

Whatwasthat?Ron,goseewhatthat

crashwas!

Ron,apettycriminalwhowassweatingbulletsonhisrstattemptatdoing

somethingwithhislie,asMaurice,his

accompliceputit,raninthedirectiono

thedairyaisle.

Um.Maurice!Youhavetoseethis!

ImkindobusyRon.Whatisit?

Mauriceshouted.

Aguyandawomanareontheoorina

bigpooloIdontknowwhat.Teguys

lickingthestuf.Youhavetoseethis.

Ron!WhatdidItellyouaboutbeingaproessional?Handlethesituationand

comebacktotherontothestore.

RonstaredatMarcyandMaxora

moment.Um,sorryguys.Ineedtotake

bothoyouuptotheront.Marcystarted

gettingupandMaxshotRonanangry

glanceandhissedathim.Ronwaswalking

overtohelpMarcyupwhenheslipped,ell

backwardandbangedhisheadagainstthe

bottomooneotheshelves,passingout,

unconscious,andletting

Marcyallbackdown

onthegroundorasecondtime.

Ronwhatwasthat?Areyouokay?Mauricerantowardsthedairyaisle.

Upstairs,inastudioapartmentlocated

abovethegrocerystore,Delicious,a

hairdresserwhojusthadanastybreak-up

withherboyriendhaddecidedtotake

herownlie.Insteadoturningonthegas

onherstoveandchokingontheumes,

shewantedtogooutinamoretheatrical

way.ShetookalastdragoaVirginiaSlim

cigaretteandsighed,Tisonesoryou

Ron.DeliciouswasRonsex-girlriendandhadnoideathatRonwasdirectly

belowher.Sheturnedonthegasandall

wassilentorasecond,untilthegashitthe

cigaretteandahugeballoreerupted,

shatteringthewindows.

delicious?''

olice!ed to get out of here and

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the rutgers review

potpourri

22

Preace: One day I realized all my azn best riends had let me. Jason went to LA. Andy

let Rutgers. Francis abounded to Boston. Instead o turning to FML, I turned to craigslist

and sought an answer

w4m-21-azn bff (East Village): need azn bff replacement! must be tan and skinny. must

be cute and huggable.

hmmm ... hmmmmmmmm... hmmmmmmmmm... are you a real person??? I guess Ill fnd out i you

reply... i guess we have a couple o options here... we can all madly in love and start a internet relation-

ship... and we can even get a priest to marry us in a live chat ceremony... or we can get together or a cupo tea (shots o tequila are cool too) and have some stimulating conversation... and ater i validate that

youre actually a cute girl well talk about the whole marriage thing lol... by the way my names Moses! you

can just call me sexy ... and unny... u can reply to realeyezzz@tmail.com... ttyl!

mmmmm, b. i might be just that, lol.

23, korea.

what did one snowman say to the other snowman?

mmmm, smells like carrots.

We sound perect match. 32 asian male, 58 & 165.

i need a new b. i just broke up with my b ater 2 yrs and 10 yrs o history so yea. kinda sucks. a

new emale b could help me deal with all this stu.

Im asian. 22. college graduate. lol defnitely corny with a sense o humor and very hugga

ble. several riends can vouche or me on that. only thing i lack is the skinny aspect. yea. not

really skinny at all. ill understand i that is a eature u desire so. just let me know. Itd be nice

to fnd a new b, especially rom like the last place anyone would look lol.

Johnny.

I ft your catagory

What happens to your x b? you didnt kill him did you?. Ill send

you my pic, i hes still alive.

cra

igslis

t>ru

tgersNB

By Merichelle VillapandoEditor-in-Cheif

artwork

byIreneGe

ller

8/7/2019 Vol. 39, Issue 3

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the rutgers review

potpourri

23

IAxeBodySpraycommer-cialscountsasareliable

sourceoinormation,(and

Imgonnasaytheydo),thensmellis

thestrongestsensetiedtomemory.

Andthisbeingthecase,thenone

wouldassumethatyouwouldalways

wanttosmellgood,(andthereore,

neverwearAxeBodySpray).You

wouldntwantsomeonetowalkpasta

garbagetruckorapublicpoolandbe

remindedothatnighttheyspentwith

you.Itollowsthenthatcertainscents

remindpeopleocertainthings:the

smellosaltwaterbringsyoubackto

beach,butthesmellosocksconjures

upimagesoeet.DemeterFragrance

Libraryclaimstocreatescentsthat

aremeanttobringbackmemories

whenyouwearthem.Andmemories

areagoodthingIjustdontwantto

smelllikeone.Herearejustahand-

ulotheover200ragrancesDemeter

oerstomakeyourememberyour

rstkiss,yourrstdate,oryourrst

love(whichinitselisastrangeclaim

becausewhyaretheonlymentioned

memoriesromanticones?Butthats

anotherstory.)Anyway,herewego:

1.

Play-Doh.Yes,Play-Doh,

thatfuorescent-coloredclay

stuyouplayedwithasakid.

Demetercreatedthisscenttocel-

ebratethe50thbirthdayoPlay-Doh,

and,havingsmelttheragrance,Ican

tellyouthatitdoessmellexactlylike

Play-Doh.SoitsgreatthatDemeter

istruetoitswordandall,butwho

wantstosmellliketheyjustrubbeda

kindergarteneralloverthemselves?

2.

WhiskeyTobacco.Imnot

surewhattomakeothisra-

grance,becauseitsnotcalled

WhiskeyandTobacco,itscalledWhis-keyTobacco.Likewhiskey-favored

tobacco.Bottled.Iwouldhowever,

liketosmellitjustorthesatisaction

oknowingwhatmemorystoreddeep

intherecessesomymindwouldbe

recalledbytheinhalationoWhiskey

Tobacco.

3.

NeccoSweethearts.Icant

saythatIveeveractively

smelledaNeccoSweetheart,

butromwhatIcanremember,Sweet-

heartsdonthaveascent.Isomeone

askedmetomakearagrancethat

smelledlikeSweethearts,itwouldbe

likeaskingmetomakeaturtlenoise.

4.Laundromat.NowImahuge

anothesmellolaundry,but

Laundromat?Dontlaun-

dromatssmellliketakeoutandmoth

balls?Anddetergent,Iguess.But

mostlytakeoutandmothballs.

5.Dirt.Actually,wait.Ikindo

likethesmellodirt.

Ithinktheolksat

DemeterFragrance

Libraryjustsitaround

eatingbagaterbagoBertieBotts

EveryFlavorBeansandmakethefa-

vorsintoragrances.Baconscent,any-

one?Remindsyouobreakast!Earth-

worm?PairitwithDirtandGrassand

yougotyourselagarden!Butreally,I

shouldntmockthesescentsbecause

Demetersdoingtheworldaavor

byremindingeveryoneotheirmost

cherishedmemories,onefuidounce

atatime.Andso,Isincerelyhopethat

readingabouttheseragrancesremind-

edyoualloyourrstkiss,atwhich

timeyouwereeither6-years-old,with

anoldman,washingyourclothesina

publicplace,orcoveredindirt.

By Lizzie PlaugicPotpourri Editor

Olfactory Orgy

8/7/2019 Vol. 39, Issue 3

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I SPY

WITH

MYLITTLE

EYE

the

rutgersreview