issue #3 vol. #3. APRil o7 *fRee

APRil fools

+ToAD sMoKiNG!

+DeCliNe of sNoWBoARDiNG CiviliZATioN!

+HeAveY MeTAl!

+MeTHoDs oN eveRY CoveR!

+sPiColi! CHeATs

+suBliMiNAl MessAGes

joRDAN GeTs iNveRTeD!!!©

revolution

246 N. WeNATCHee Ave. WeNATCHee, WA 98801(509) 665-6662

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M sTAR

fisHs

NosK

ATe@

YAHo

o.Co

M

“ i get credit for all sorts of things i don’t do” Terry Parker on being a successful poser.

“The whole topic of Terry Parker in snoskating just produces controversy.” jared Bailey on posers get-ting so much media.

“i’ll fix your computer but you have to promise to keep making fun on john Knox” Nate Barber on providing tech support for sTARfisH.

“Did you just say you’ve been snoskating” CliCK. Washed up snowboard pro Matt Goodwill hanging up on jim Hale.

“i just feel a lot tougher on my snoskate” Kyle Phillips on snow-boarding.

“We’re gonna battle tonight” jordan on Hurlbut #3 insulting his gram-mar.

“i knew somebody would do that.” Terry Parker on being pushed over while trying to pee in the woods.

“i would sleep with Dane” Derek on needing to spend the night at starfish Headquarters North.

“His steeze is on fire! You can quote me on this” B-Rad on spicoli’s gloves.

quoTes

sTiCHes jusTiN PiDGeoN

WHAT HAPPeNeD? The Decline of snowboard Civilization

#12) Your mom Snowboards. I’m not trying to diss on your mom here, it’s just a fact. Snowboarding is so easy and oh-so-hot right now that it has become the sport of choice for soccer moms who want to stay in touch with their bratty little kids. So now everyone and their mom is some sort of extreme shredder, making snowboarding all soft around the edges. Snowskating and skateboarding share a common degree of difficulty, which leads to constant crashing, pain and injury. Hopefully this crash factor will keep the pg-13 world from accepting us en-mass and leave our beloved sport for us “crazy” enough to do it. The fact that the entire world totally shreds leads me to number 11.

#11) Marketing. Snowboarding is so easy millions of people do it. Because millions of people do it, there is a freaking gigantic target market for non-snowboard related

A Top Ten list That Could Go on forever...

companies to attack with ultra cheesy ad campaigns focusing on people who consider themselves extreme. Therefore making myself, someone who has literally dedicated his life to quietly cruising around the mountains, an absolute minority. This cheese factor left an overall bad taste in the mouths of true snowboarders forcing most to hang up the axe. Which brings me to number 10…

#10) Everybody quit. Fucking everyone who used to be fun to snowboard with quit. Remember when you were like fourteen and all of a sudden the

Ranting By Big john

skateboarder population in your town went from twenty to like three? Yup, that all happened again. And who could blame ‘em as snowboarding hit TV just became more and more diluted with extreme cheese. When’s the last time you heard someone say they saw Jamie Lynn (or insert your local pro’s name here) on the mountain? Fucking years ago! Why? Because he’s cool and snowboarding is soooo ’94! Man I’d love to see that lightning fast method fly by again at a million miles an hour. Or see my buddy Chad’s lien three.

Or see Tad pasting up old Spacecraft art before there was a sticker on every single lift tower and street sign. Or see Jerry and Danny set the mark for power and style (respectively). But nope, everyone’s over it, all moving on to things less extreme than today’s state of snowboarding.

1.

6.5.

4.

3.

2.

7.

8.

ClARKe HuRlBuT #3 iN THe WoRlD!

sequeNCe BY BiG joHN, fisH PHoTo BY PlWP

#8) Danny Way. Any sort of technical difficulty that snowboarders thought they had went flying out the window the second his wheels touched down on a 60 foot

backside five tailgrab, or the frontside three heelflip, or any of his gap to rail variations, or the 20 foot kickflip indy the list goes on and on. From there on

out snowboard tricks have been inconsequential. Could you imagine what would happen if Danny focused on snoskating?

#7) Stickers. How many stickers does it take to let the world know you’re part of a club that no one gives a fuck about? I guess

this epidemic isn’t necessarily exclusive to snowboarding but I’m on a roll here so fuck it. You can tell a lot about a person by the

amount of stickers they have on their car, or on their shit in general. If

someone has ‘em all over the place that’s a pretty good sign to steer clear or risk getting caught in

a conversation filled with shameless self-promotion,

name dropping, bro-brahing, or shit talking. All four of which are things that should be avoided at all cost.

#6) M.F.M. I wish this dude

would just shut up and snowboard. He’s actually

pretty smooth, but his attitude and influence are hard to ignore. Although the ghetto gown is on its way out (except in the ski world) this dude’s sense of on the hill fashion was

worse than neon in the eighties and his followers

pushed this steeze to the worst possible limit. What real snowboarder

gives a flying fuck about fashion? Our old buddy Seamus did but he quit snowboarding, just like

#9)Snowboard Videos. Before I go overboard on this one I will say that recently there has been improvement in this department but for a while they were god-awful.

Everyone had a video and every single one could have edited out about 50% of the content and still had too much junk footage. And the music… Oh God

don’t get me started on the music.

Brad, Heelflip

MFM will do once he moves to So-Cal to become a surfer.

# 5) Red Bull. Now, I know what you’re thinking. There’s no way that any soft drink can be more totally extreme than Mt Dew, right? We’re talking about Mt. Fucking Dew here dog, and you can’t front on that! But wait… Just when you thought there was no way a soft drink could get any more

extreme here comes Red Bull. It’s so fucking extreme that it even has real bull jizz in it!!! Holy Fuck!!! Mix this stuff with vodka or Jager and POOF… Instant sno-bro retard!!! Complete with hours of intolerable stories about how much ass they kick at a volume level so loud the entire bar is sure to hear. And why does every single snowboard event have to be sponsored by them and their gigantic Red Bull circus tent? I guess for all the clowns to huddle under.

#4) Publicly traded snowboard companies.

The heart of snowboarding may have

died the day that Ride Snowboards became the first publicly traded snowboard company on the NASDAQ market. Ever since snowboarding has officially been part of mainstream America. It’s tough to maintain any sort of core credibility when yuppy bitches are trading your worth via Blackberry e-mails while playing a round of golf at the country club. Thanks Ride, I guess it wasn’t enough that your snowboards and bindings sucked, you just had to go

and blow out the whole scene too.

#3) Skiers!!! Remember when skiers and snowboarders hated each other? Man, those sure were the good old days. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that skier coolness reached its pinnacle right around the time “Hot Dog the Movie” came out. It was shortly after that when snowboarders started hitting the mountains and blowing minds around the world. Ever since skiers have been playing a game of catch up trying to reach the same level of underground recklessness that made snowboarding so much fun. What they don’t understand is that they will never be able to wash away the dirt of their not so distant past. The horrors of ski ballet, twister twisters, spread eagles and Glen Plake will

#3 at the Revolution snoskate Camp, photo

by lorn Davies

eagles and Glen Plake will not soon fade. Now in a last ditch effort to retain any sort of the coolness that skiers once had, they have stooped so low as to rip off the style that snowboarding brought to the mountain. Baggy pants sagging off their asses, hitting “street” rails with hauled in snow because they too can not ride a skateboard, gangsta attitude as if their not enjoying the second whitest sport on earth (second only to golf), and the worst of all is skiers hitting jumps “switch”. There are very few things in the entire world with less style than a skier approaching a jump brown star first. I’m not really sure which looks worse, skiers hitting jumps backwards or skiers biting rollerblade style and

hitting rails, but one thing’s for certain; jocking someone else’s style will never, ever make you cool. Skiers, know your spot… Go Hotdog or go home. Get your girl in some tight bib pants, kick out a daffy, mix up a couple of “leg spreaders” and lets party!!!

#2) Transworld Snowboarding Magazine.

The “coup de grace” for snowboarding. Once Ride Snowboards showed the world that you could make money off this new youth market

Donny Green, photo by sean

Davis

by exposing it to greedy corporate pigs, Times-Mirror Publishing bought Transworld Snow. Times, one of the largest publishers in the world also publishes other hard-core magazines like Senior Golfer and Yachting. This allowed a platform for the uninvited to push their cheese-core weekend warrior attitude as the face of snowboarding. All advertisements were welcome with price breaks for advertising in multiple Times magazines thus filling Transworld Snow with three hundred pages of ads for extreme deodorant, extreme cars, extreme watches, extreme cell phones, whatever. That shit was the size of “Cosmo” and just as stupid. Cover blurbs like, “Look fresh on and off the hill”. Glamour shots of MFM (surrounded by a posse of boy band models) chilling hard on his cell phone in Vail Village. Articles filled with product endorsement. This kind of stuff makes me wanna puke. This further removed the core of snowboarding from the sport they once felt connected to. Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention, this ever so dedicated magazine keeps its finger right on the pulse of the sport by keeping its

headquarters at the epicenter of all the hot snowboard action. Not Salt Lake, not Mt Hood, not Tahoe, but right where all the real dedicated snowboarders live… Oceanside, CA. Nothing but a bunch of So-Cal, fair- weather surf bitches. Bitches.

Blair, Photo by Big john

#1) The X-Games. Who didn’t see this one coming. The mother of everything that went wrong with snowboarding and board sports in general. The X-Games introduced the world to such classic snowboard terminology as “amplitude” and “frontside indy”. All of a sudden snowboarders were junked together with snowmobiling, ice climbing, freestyle walking while carrying a motorcycle through the air, ice fishing and other sports that should not be televised. All anchored by a dude who exemplifies everything on this list. I betcha Sal drinks Red Bull vodkas like a mother. The letter “X” is now used to describe everything from pizza sticks to cars and is even the moniker the world has now assigned to my generation. No matter what I’m going down as a member of “Generation X” and man, that’s a tough pill to swallow. X-Games… Fuck those dudes.

Tyson by jimmy Clark

***Please send hate mail to:sTARfisHsNosKATe@YAHoo.CoM

shag

Roof DRoP BY seTH, PHoTo

BY seAN D.

Bs 180 BY seAN D.

Yep, we done took the binders off them snow-boards down in the South too- and it makes all

three of the chairlifts in Tennessee mighty excitin’ Be-lieve it or not, we got one ski resort next to the Smoky Mountains- it is called Ober Gatlinburg. The hillbilly lifties insist that every boarder have a leash and metal edges, and the drinkin’ of Jack Daniels and chewing of tobacco is optional. On the coldest days we switch up from Jack Daniels to moonshine for keeping our toes a little warmer. Most of us around these parts don’t wear shoes much for anything, and we don’t wear them for no snoskatin’ neither. One good thing about the chairlifts at Ober Gatlinburg Ski Resort- our snoskates mount right up on the armrests so we can use both hands to get a good grip on the Mason jar full of that fine “white lightnin”.

If y’all have a computer machine you can see us boardin’ a bit on www.youtube.com/jcabler. If you

are not a yankee you can come visit, and we might even have you over to the house for some vittles and square dancing, and bring your cousin if you want to.

snoskatin’ southern styleBy Billy Bob Hatfield

Painfully dedicated snoskater, that “E” on the pinky toe really hurt.

How to make a hillbilly: Take two rednecks of the op-posite sex that are first cousins. Add moonshine-wham bam, nine months later you have a hillbilly.

MATT quAlM BY BillY

DoNNY GReeN oBeR GATliNBuRG

#!

ANDReW BueRGiN#3

#2

#6

#5

#4

leashesBRAND

CANADA!

Jordan Armstrong may seem like a pretty awesome guy when you meet him. He has his own snowskate

company and is probably the most dedicated snowskat-er in Canada. This may be true, but as you get to know him, you slowly find out that he could possibly be the most boring person in Canada.

The Boring Effect: Jordan ArmstrongBy: Darryl Pollock

First off, the music he listens to is weird…and French. Although a lot of French music is great, Jordan has decided that he only likes one band and that one band only sings lullabies. If you are road trippin’ with him he will definitely throw this crap on, then not under-stand when you start to fall asleep. It is bad enough that the music is so soothing, but also we English

speaking people don’t know what the words are. Many people would say this is a recipe for falling asleep.

A few more things that make Jordan super boring are that he does not drink, go to movies or watch T.V. and he only rents movies about twice a year. He won’t even go to parties just to have fun, not even if his best friend, Colin Sproule is there.

Recent Canadian studies show that the only things Jor-dan wants to do are snowskate, talk about snowskat-ing on the internet, make snowskates or watch movies about snowskating. He will not even talk to anyone who does not like snowskating. In fact, Jordan likes

www.snowskate.ca

CoNTesT!!! ANNouNCiNG THe fiRsT eveR sTARfisH

CoNTesT!!!sTARfisH Will Be AWARDiNG A fRee T-sHiRT, DvD AND suBsCRiPTioN To THe fiRsT PeRsoN oR PeRsoNs CAPABle of iNToXiCATiNG joRDAN ARMsTRoNG. eNTRies sHoulD Be TuRNeD iNTo quiCK TiMe files AND MAileD To sTARfisHsNosKATe@YAHoo.CoM

“ Please do not think all Canadians

are like this.”

to avoid people all together by building or working on snowskates until 4 a.m. Please do not think all Canadi-ans are like this. We have been trying to mess him up for years.

Hopefully, someday someone out there will be able to talk to Jordan about something other than snowskating without getting the subject changed on them. Jordan is a dedicated snowskater, but come on! Talk about something else for once mang!

NoW AvAilABle THRouGH RoCKeRTRuCKs.CoM,

sTARfisHsNosKATe.CoM AND RevoluTioN sNosKATesHoP

Toad smoking Cures Boredom

“The scientists toked heavily.”

Starfish scientists working in the Northwest have finally proven their theory that smoking toads temporarily cures boredom brought on by lack of snow.

This theory was first synthesized in 2004 and then proven during the winter of 2005. Starfish scientist Dr. Alec Wom-bat tells us that all toads within the genus of Bufo including Australia’s Bufo bufo bufo and North America’s Bufo borea-lis produce the psychoactive compound Bufotein. This toxin is produced in glands behind the ears and provides a poison to potential predators. Historically the toxin Bufotein has been used by witches and Australian hippies to produce feelings of euphoria.

Cognisant of these facts, in 2003 Dr. Wombat developed his theory that if it did not snow for long enough, smoking a toad might cure boredom.

This theory received a lot of negative feedback. Then in 2005 the Pacific Northwest experienced record low amounts of snow fall. It was time to test the theory. Starfish as-sembled a board of scientists headed by Dr. Wombat. These scientists met at Starfish Headquarters North and agreed to test the theory.

First Hitchcock’s pet toad, Buford, was sacrificed. Then he was hung to dry in the window for three snow-less and sunny days. After Buford had thoroughly dried the scien-

By Jack Hitchcock

tists removed the legs and placed the remaining carcass into a water-pipe.

The scientists toked heavily. After a few moments it was obvious their theory was true.

“I can’t feel my face!” Dr. Wombat declared.

Under controlled circumstances smoking toads cured the Starfish scientists of almost four days of snowless depression. The theory was proven and documented and is now commonly accepted as law within the scientific and psychology commu-nities.

HolY sPiColi iNTeRvieWBY seAN DAvis, DoNNY GReeN AND jACK HiTCHCoCK

PHoTo BY leNNoX

“Pro snowboard-ers i hate the most? There is a

handfull.”

J.H. We gotta do this Spicoli interview. Sean and Donny are here. This is gonna be sweet. Let’s do one page worth of questions and then we can make fun of him. Let’s talk about you Spicoli.

Talk about myself? I’m a dirty hippy that came out of the roots of Costa Rica and Panama growing up surfing and skateboarding. I snowboarded for one season at boarding school in Squaw Valley.

D.G. How long have you been snowskat-ing for?

Since we started making them at Mervin.

S.D. That’s a good one.

-laughter-

I don’t know four years ago?

J.H. Longer than that dude.

D.G.What initially got you involved with snoskating?

Skateboarding, and then not wanting to be strapped in. Actually I thought it was kind of a joke at first, then it got serious and I started busting my ass, then it got funny. I met a bunch of cool people and that’s when I became good.

-laughter-

and it is just gonna get better... cough, cough... I’ll just follow that with a flick, flick bubble bubble.

S.D.What do you think Burton should do about snoskating?

They should fix their shit and get on

sPiColi

sPiColi

PHoTo BY TRevoR PHilliPs

PluTo sPoRTs

WWW.PluTosPoRTs.CoM

KNoXville 865-523-0045 AND GATliNBuRG 865-436-9990

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top of it! Cause they made a snoskate and it was just a piece of shit. If they made something that was quality then more people would be riding today.

S.D. Why would you want that company involved in snoskating?

It is not about the company it is about having people rid-ing. I would rather have more people on the hill to bust out sPiColi

sPiColi sPiColi sPiColi

sPiColi sPiColi sPiColi

sPiColi sequeNCe of sPiColi BY loRN DA-vies! RevoluTioN sNosKATe CAMP!

MissioN RiDGe!

CoNTiNueD...

tricks with rather than have just a small little posse. We need to expand the sport, more people need to be like “oh that’s a snoskate that shit is dope” Instead of like every gaper in line who is strapped to a snowboard being like “what’s that?”

S.D. I don’t think the big companies will do it.

Mervin did it. They are a big company.

S.D. They aren’t doing shit.

-laughter-

I got let go from Mervin because I was too concentrated on snoskating.

S.D. Whatever you got let go because you gave away to much shit to us!

D.G. If you were not on the clock it might have been cool.

No, I did all of you guys’s shit off the clock. That was not even the issue. Jeff Camp was just like “you are to focused on snoskating” I was like well that is because I am a snoskater.

S.D. What do you think is the next sick trick you’ve got to show people?

The next sick trick I got in the bag for the peeps of 2007? I don’t know most of the stuff just comes right out of my ass. Pow. It just comes to mind you know? I am thinking about hitting up the super pipe and trying to get some solid lines. Fuckin, backside one eighty roast beef varial type shit. That will get thrown down. Or, the

airwalk late shove-it.

S.D. I wanna know what pro snowboarder you hate the most?

Pro snowboarder I hate the most? There is a handfull.

S.D. Top five.

Well the first one that gets on my nerves the most that everybody knows is Danny Kass. Because how could somebody have a pro-model snoskate and not snoskate? On top of that how could somebody represent Mam-moth Mountain in California, a big name mountain, and they are not even aloud to have snoskates? and that dude has a promodel snoskate? So if he gets on a snoskate what happens when he goes to his own mountain? I’m sure he could ride on some pro buy out deal but that is how it is in the industry some-times.

D.G. Not at Mammoth.

J.H. Is it really that bad?

D.G. Yeah.

sPiColi !

PHoTo BY loRN DAvies

sPiColi

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BRADBrad missed every event of the Northwest Series. He opted to ollie stairs in Denver. Nice work Brad

Po

Diu

M

Film maker Zack Davis has announced the title

of his latest movie. A docu-mentary entitled “America’s Most Knoxious”. The one hour documentary reaveals

the inner workings of one of snoskatings largest brag-

gers, John Knox. Highlights include blacked out bar in-terviews with Knox includ-ing many of his trademark statements that simply are

not true.

The Yakimaniac and snoskate pioneer

known only as “Shag” is now working as Mervin

Manufacturing’s skate and snoskate team manager.

This provides a shimmer of hope in what appears to be a black hole of production and

distribution problems.

Colorado’s Fuse Snows-kates continues to gain

momentum with better products and distribution.

Rumors are circulating that Fuse may pick up the slack created by Mervin and start producing bi-deck boards in additon to their traditional Fuse design. Global domi-nation seems emminant.

The enormously popular skateboard park known

as The Forks in Winnipeg, Manitoba will not be clos-ing for winters ever again. Chief Operating Officer

of The Forks, Paul Jordan, has anounced that the park will be transformed into a snoskating rink during the winter months. The park

will provide shovels, snow-blowers and may even truck

in snow from local park-ing lots. Local skaters will

provide the design and labor. CBC News reported that

Manitoba snoskaters were “keen” to the idea.

Englands #1 snoskate com-pany. BAREFOOT may be

the only company ready to ship bi-decks in the U.S.A. right now. Boards are to ship for $200.Con-

tact sTARfisH or Revolution.

If Circuit ever starts making more boards people should buy them. If you see one

buy it.

Twenty year old Donny Green got too drunk

in Vegas. The intoxicated youth exchanged blows

with the Hard Rock security gaurds. Three of the security

gaurds had mullets and at 5’5” the drunken youth had

no chance. Donny was pum-melled and not seen again

for weeks.

If anybody gets a chance they shoud pay sTARfisH

and Sean Davis for the mov-ies.

Even Mike Olson agrees that snoskates might as well be made in China.

By not paying sTARfisH for advertising Steffan

Hoffman and Spacecraft clothing saved enough

money to puchase 4 new 11 year old Indonesian slaves. This brings the Spacecraft slave fleet up to 15. Stef-fan was reported to say that “If these new boys work like the old ones, I should have enough money to buy 6 more

by next season” Good luck with that Steffan

and keep those great new looks coming.

NORTHWEST SERIES OVER ALL RESULTS

#1 Jake Tomlinson- Everybody knew Jake would win. He is the best, although He did get schooled by Jordan at the Stevens event.#2 Clarke Kent Hurlbut- #2 locally still #3 globally.#3 Tim Leavitt- Obviously this shit was rigged.#4 Spicoli- Read his interview for more.#5 Victurd Zurn- Vic has been training#6 ROB SKALA- sTARfisH’s first paid subscriber#7 Jordan Armstrong- Jordan rips! He varialed the biggest jump at the first event and slid a rail in his run that nobody else hit all day. Jordan would have done a lot better if he had made it to all of the events.#8 Sean Davis- Sean ruled the boxes at every event he went to.#9 Shag-Might score better if he had two names.***#10 Mary Meager (The Girl)- Anybody listed after Mary got beat by The Girl. Mary made it to every event and took slams that made the boys cringe.#11 Donny Green- First loser to The Girl.#12 Peter K-Also beaten by The Girl.

#13 Tyson Butler-Drove the sTARfisH van and probably should have done better.#14 Jeff Mihailoff- This dude took some slams.#15 Blair Habenicht- Blair is one of those dudes that just rips at everything he does. No doubt he would have placed higher if he

actually owned a snoskate.#16 Caleb Bray- I don’t remember this dude.

I am sure he beat Jesse Baker because Jesse Baker only showed up once.

#17 Tomoki Kunimatsa- sTARfisH’s Inter-national Project Coordinator.

#18 Tony Burts- Probably would score better if he didn’t always piss

people off.#19 Colin Sproule- Colin rips

but he got hurt on the way home from the

first event.#20 Terry Parker-

Poser, didn’t even take one run.

issue #1 vol #6

+sPiColi BoRN!

+jAKe BuRToN HATes ouR fReeDoM!

+AlPiN suRf!

+sKAlA WiNs ANoTHeR oNe!

25 YEARS AGO IN sTARfisH

Twenty Five years ago a black and white sTARfisH was in its 4th season of publication and was rapidly gaining international recognition.

In South America pure-bread snoskater Spicoli had just been born, Rob Skala was dominating the contest/party circuit. The future of snoskating looked bright... However, the cover story titled; “Jake Burton Hates Our Freedom” proved to be a sign of the times and signaled the coming of dark times for snoskaters everywhere.

At that point in history Snoskating was still called “snurfing” by the general public and the mass media. Jake Burton showed up at a sTARfisH sponsored event on the East Coast with a crude invention he called the “Binding”. Naturally he was ridiculed and run off of the mountain by Skala and his gang of biniding-less riders. A riot ensued. The efforts of the snowskaters failed. The media exploited the riot and like many public figures, rather than a fool Jake Burton became a hero. Bindings exploded onto the snoskate scene like a plague.

These new inventions allowed access to the mountain to people who previously were just not tough enough. This represented the beginning of crowded ski resorts and dark times for snoskaters.

sTARfisHsNosKATe.CoMTHe WoRlDs #1 sNosKATe siTe

+T-sHiRTs+suBsCRiPTioNs

+sTiCKeRs+TRuCKs

+BoARDs

+DvD’s

AvAilABle NoW oNliNe!