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Seasons of Life
T he beginning of September is a timeof great changes. The slow lazy pace
of summer gives way to the annualritual of going back to school. The pace oflife picks up as the days grow shorter and the temperatures begin to drop. But if youare grieving the loss of a loved one, it can be painful to see others going on with theirlives when your own is changed forever. Fall is a season of new beginnings, but yourlife can feel as if it is frozen in time from the date that your loved one’s life ended.
Experiencing the loss of a loved onemay not be thought of as a new beginning,but it is one nonetheless. It may take a longtime before it can be seen that way, as a newbeginning, a new phase of life, a transitionto a new identity. Regarding the many unanswered questions that are part of moving into an uncertain future,the poet Rainer Maria Rilke in his Letters to a Young Poetwrites, “Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it,live along some distant day into the answer.”
It has been said that grief is hard work. Part of the workof grief is learning how to live again in a world in which yourloved one is not physically present. There is an article I read
several years ago with the title “Livingwith Grief: Rebuilding a World”. Theauthor talks about the model of griefwork that encourages “letting go” ofthe person who died. This model hashad major influence on societal understandings of grief and what thegrief process is supposed to look like,including the need for having “closure”.It does not match up with the livedexperience of the vast majority of people who have lost a loved one.
The reality is that grief is a life-long process. The death of a loved oneis the beginning of the grief journey,but it is not the end of that relation-ship. Often in grief counseling I
encourage the people I am working with to adopt the concept of “moving forward” rather than “moving on”.Moving on implies leaving behind, while moving forwardmeans living each day and moving into the future with your loved one coming along with you. How thathappens is up to the individual mourner and the nature of the relationship they had with their loved one.
E. Willis Partington, M.Div., LCSW-R, FT, Lead Bereavement Counselor
New Beginnings and “Moving Forward”
A Bereavement Newsletter from the VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care Program
Continued on next page
“Perhaps you will then gradually,without noticing it, live alongsome distant day into the answer.”
—Rainer Maria RilkeLetters to a Young Poet
Making the HolidaysMeaningfulandManageable
page 5
VNSNY Hospice and PalliativeCareFall 2018BereavementServices Calendarpage 3
El duelo en lapoblaciónHispana
page 8page 4
Join us atthe Museumof ModernArt this fall!
Fall 2018 Issue 28
VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
As we move into the holiday season, it also is atime of new beginnings. Holidays are accompaniedby family traditions which may have to be changed,renegotiated or sometimes abandoned. ThanksgivingDay will mean an empty chair at the table, perhapsroles fulfilled by your loved one that will have to betaken on by someone else. It may mean sharing ameal with different people in a different location.Many grieving people express the wish to skip theholidays altogether, to somehow be able to fast-forward until January 2nd. But of course, the newyear will bring with it new holidays, new “firsts”which will need to be experienced and perhaps lived in new ways.
We at VNSNY are all undergoing a new begin-ning this year as we move from our location at 1250Broadway to our new offices at 220 East 42nd Street.This has also involved for me a process of goingthrough many old files and papers, deciding what to keep and revisiting many memories of the yearssince I started as a bereavement counselor in Queensin 2007. Our VNSNY bereavement team has saidgoodbye to one intern, Boglarka Tilli-Woloshin andhello to a new intern, Lisa Kim. As the saying goes,“when one door closes, another one opens,” yetchanges bring sadness as well as excitement for what comes next. As I say goodbye to a special colleague and review paperwork related to groups and programs I have helped to facilitate in the past, I am attempting to bring those experiences, thosepeople and those memories with me as I move for-ward in my own journey of professional growth anddevelopment. It is my hope for you that as we enterthis fall and the holiday season, that you will find away to bring your loved one with you in your ownway, and in so doing to transform what our societysees as an ending into a new beginning.
Sincerely,
M. Div., LCSW-R, FTLead Bereavement Counselor
Dear Friend-in-Grief,
I t was a pink plaid wool coat, with a big shawl collar that belted at the waist. My mother Omi wore it with such flair. Although she was not tall, she gave
a tall impression as she carried herself with such erectstature. She had been effortlessly slim and, oh, so graceful. I was there when she bought this coat. My oldest son, A., would take his grandmother shoppingbefore the holidays. His grandmother had been widowedfor many years and he lovingly stepped in to fill the voidto the best of his abilities. I had joined them for thisparticular trip to Loehmann's. My son, A, would scan theracks and select items for Omi to try on. She trusted him.It was A. who found this coat and ran over to Omi with hisfind. Omi loved color, she loved life. She enjoyed this coatand she absolutely adored A.
Omi died six months ago. I’m in the process of clean-ing out her apartment. Yesterday, a lovely young woman,a friend of a friend, came over. Like my mother, she too, isvery slim, and would easily fit into my mother’s beautifulelegant clothes. She went through the racks and selecteda number of suits. I showed her the coat closet and sheselected this pink plaid coat. It was heart wrenching forme. That coat is love personified. I asked her to model the coat for me. She did. She tied the belt jauntily and she looked terrific. With tears rolling down my cheeks, I explained to her what that coat meant to me. I assuredher that I was thrilled that she would be wearing it andenjoying it. Why should this coat just sit in the closet and gather dust? Why should it go to a totally anonymous person?
Yet, when I arrived home, I immediately called A. We both cried over the phone. “A.,” I asked him, “should I ask for the coat back?” We discussed it and decided that,no, let her wear it in good health and with our blessings.Let others benefit from my mother (and A.'s!) sense ofbeauty, and let her extreme generosity live on.
My mother had been ill for 10 years with emphysema.She had been exceedingly ill, on hospice care for almosttwo years. A dear friend pointed out that upon her death I probably had been relieved that it was over, for her sake and for mine. She was ready to go and told me so repeatedly. At this point, though, the relief has beenreplaced with the pain of her loss. I do miss her so. Yet, I know she’s in a better place. I thank God that I had such an incredible mother who bonded with her grandchildren so beautifully, and who taught me so much about life, planting within me with a huge appreciation for beauty and joy.
May her memory be a blessing for all.
M.
VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
El duelo en la población HispanaRocío Lorena Ruiz, former Bereavement Services Intern
A finales del año pasado un equipo de consejerosde duelo y relacionistas de VNSNY de ascendencia hispana se reunieron para compartir
experiencias de trabajo y comentar los retos queenfrentan en la diaria labor de asistir a la población latina hacia el final de la vida. Los hispanos, tambiénllamados Latinos, son aquellas personas provenientesdel Sudamérica, América Central, el Caribe y México,pueblos que comparten una herencia cultural española(lenguaje, religión y tradiciones) así como aquellas que nacieron en este país de padres hispanos. Estapoblación constituye la minoría más grande en losEstados Unidos, siendo 55.3 millones de personas que representan el 17.3% de la población totaldel país.
Los Latinos dejamos atrás elmundo que conocemos. Nos vemosafectados por la inmigración, laaculturación, las diferencias generacionales, el status socio-económico y el lenguaje. Construimosun nuevo sentido de pertenencia en lasociedad que nos recibe, y si bien existendiferencias individuales y grupales, compartimos valores culturales comunesque afloran en el proceso de adaptación.Estos valores rectores no sólo nos carac-terizan sino que nos sostienen en épocade adversidad, dolor y crisis.
En qué nos diferenciamos los Latinos de otros grupos? Aquí los más representativos:
• Tradicionalismo, la adherencia a las tradiciones culturales y religiosas, y la manera de mantener losvalores culturales trasmitiéndolos de generación en generación;
• Marianismo, la capacidad femenina de soportar (resistir) cualquier sufrimiento y ser espiritualmente"superior" a los hombres;
• Machismo (en el sentido positivo), la expectativa yaceptación de que los varones deben conducir elhogar;
• Orgullo, entendido como fortaleza para enfrentar laadversidad, pero también como inhibición de ciertasexpresiones de miedo o dolor;
• Personalismo, la inclinación por interactuar de modomás personal y familiar, y la expectativa por un tratomás íntimo, delicado y preferencial;
• Familismo, la consideración que la familia es lo más importante. Familia Latina=familia nuclear +e familia extendida + amigos cercanos;
• Fatalismo, la creencia que los eventos ocurren porcausas divinas o por el destino;
• Simpatía, capacidad para compartir espontánea-mente sentimientos.
Considerando esto, decimos que los Latinos tenemos una manera muy particular de vivir, con-
ducirnos, de entender y expresar nuestra aflicción. No sólo nos vemos diferentes
sino que sentimos diferente. Nuestropropio lenguaje está muy ligado a los sentimientos, a nuestra cosmovisión religiosa y al sistemade creencias que perpetuamos de
generación en generación. Frasescomo “‘uno no sabe lo que tiene hasta
que lo pierde”, “me hace mucha falta”,"la madre es única", "los hombres nolloran" o “es la voluntad/castigo deDios”, así como ciertos costumbres y rituales como vestirse de negro, corresponder con atenciones los
detalles de quienes nos acompañan, o finalmente aislarse socialmente para guardar luto por un año,reflejan toda nuestra herencia cultural.
En el Programa de Duelo de VNSNY respetamosla diversidad cultural, nos sensibilizamos ante la pérdida de nuestros seres queridos y comprendemoslas necesidades de la población latina. El equipo de consejeros bilingües y Latinos nativos los acompañamos por 13 meses a partir de la pérdida,brindando un espacio singular para facilitar el duelo,realizando talleres formativos y actividades que permiten construir un nuevo sentido de la vida, rindiendo honor a los que ya partieron.
Si necesita apoyo adicional no dude en contactarnos. Recuerde que no está solo: Aquí estamos para usted.
Hay quienes traen al mundouna luz tan grande…que
incluso después de haberseido esa luz permanece.
VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
Bereavement Services Fall 2018 Calendar
Presentations designed to support people on their journey of griefRegistration is required • Manhattan location unless specified otherwise
Fall Labyrinth Walk • ManhattanSaturday • October 139:30 a.m.Debra Oryzysyn • [email protected]
Bereavement Art Workshop • Staten IslandThursdays: October 4, December 610:30 a.m.—12:00 p.m.Rosanne Sonatore • [email protected] VNSNY Hospice & Palliative Guide to Staten IslandBereavement Support Groups can also be provided toyou upon request.
Navigating Grief through the Expressive ArtsFriday • October 192:00 p.m.—3:30 p.m. Willis Partington • [email protected]
Making the Holidays Meaningful and ManageableThursday • November 15 6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.Willis Partington • [email protected]
Stress Management and Self-Care in Grief Thursday • December 136:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.Willis Partington • [email protected]
Hacer Frente al Duelo Durante las Fiestas Martes (Tuesday) • Noviembre (November) 201:30 p.m.—3:00 p.m.Liz Santana • [email protected]
The David and June Pelkey Grief Education Series
VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
Workshop Testimonial“The art workshop enabledme to express feelings that I could not put intowords.” —B.T.
Workshop Testimonial“When one door closes,another one opens…changes bring sadness as well as excitementfor what comes next.”
—E.P.
Workshop Testimonial
“I was able to be strongbecause I had your support and knew I wasn't alone.’’
—A.K.
Workshop Testimonial“When I started attend-ing the group I realizedI was in the company of others on the samejourney.” —R.W.
Bereavement Services Fall 2018 Calendar
First Year of GriefA daytime group for those mourning thedeath of a hospice patient • ManhattanMondays • 11:00 a.m.—12:30 p.m.Janet King • [email protected]
Chinese-Language Bereavement Support
Tuesdays • 2:30 p.m.—4:00 p.m.Pamela Yew Schwartz • [email protected]
For Adults Grieving the Death of a Loved OneTuesdays • 6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.Willis Partington • [email protected]
For Adults Grieving the Death of a Loved One • BrooklynTuesdays • October 2, 16, November 6, 20, December 4, 18 and January 8, 22, 20191:00 p.m.—2:30 p.m.Dianna Sandiford • 718-787-3155 Cell: [email protected]
For Adults Grieving the Death of a Loved One • Staten IslandThursdays: October 11, 25, November 1, 15,December 13, 27, and January 10, 24, 201910:30 a.m.—12:00 p.m.Rosanne Sonatore • [email protected]
The VNSNY Hospice & Palliative Guide to Staten IslandBereavement Support Groups can also be provided toyou upon request.
Grupo de Soporte para Hispanos“Construyendo un Puente hacia una Vida Nueva” (Spanish Bereavement Group) •ManhattanBi-Weekly Thursdays • October 4, 18, November 1, 15,December 6, 20, and January 3, 17, 20191:30 p.m.—3:00 p.m.Elizabeth Santana • 917-608-7220 [email protected]
Bi-Weekly Groups
Registration is required • Manhattan location unless specified otherwise
Weekly (Ongoing) Groups
Daytime General Loss Group on the Upper East SideFor Adults Whose Loved One Died on Hospice • ManhattanWednesdays • October 3, 17, November 7, 28,December 5, 19, and January 2, 16, 2019 1:00 p.m.—2:30 p.m.Janet King • 212-609-1907 • [email protected]
VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
Workshop Testimonial“The bereavement services
offered by VNSNY were like
an oasis in a desert. When
I started the group, I felt
isolated and alone and I felt
life had no meaning. When
the group was over, I felt
refreshed and on the path
to healing.’’ —M.H.
Bereavement Services Fall 2018 Calendar
General LossManaging Grief in the Second Year •ManhattanFridays • October 19, November 16, December 21, and January 18, 201911:00 a.m.—12:30 p.m.Mary Kay King • [email protected]
For Adults Grieving the Death of a Brother or Sister • Manhattan Mondays • October 22, November 26, December 17, and January 28, 20196:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m. Ben Weinstock • [email protected]
Loss of an Adult Child For Parents Grieving the Death of an Adult Child • ManhattanWednesdays • October 10, November 14,December 12, and January 9, 20191:00 p.m.—2:30 p.m. Pamela Yew Schwartz • 347-831-1811 [email protected]
Monthly Groups
Spouse or Partner Loss For Adults Grieving the Death of a Spouse or Partner • ManhattanMondays • November 12, 19, 26, and December 3, 10, 17 6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.Mary Kay King • 212-760-3138 [email protected]
Parent Loss For Adults Grieving the Death of a Parent • ManhattanMondays • January 28, February 4, 11, 25, and March 4, 11, 20196:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.Mary Kay King • 212-760-3138 [email protected]
Registration is required • Manhattan location unless specified otherwise
VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
Special Topic:Art as a Pathway to Healing
The Museum of Modern Art and VNSNY Hospice invite you to join regularly-scheduled programs this fall to learn about art and meet new people through interactive sessions and hands-on exploration of artists and themes in modern and contemporary art. No prior experience necessary! Family members who have had loved ones on VNSNY Hospice will be given priority. Contact MoMA Prime Time at (212) 333-1265 or [email protected] for more information.
Special ServiceReiki Therapy • ManhattanBy appointment (not available until March 2019)
Jean Metzker • [email protected] is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administeredby "laying on hands" and is based on the idea that anunseen "life force energy" flows through us and is whatcauses us to be alive.
VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
Non-ProfitU.S. Postage
PAIDNew York, NY
Permit No.2147
VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care
220 East 42nd Street, 7th Floor
New York, NY 10017
LOOK INSIDE FOR: Fall 2018 CALENDAR OF EVENTS
Editor: E. Willis Partington, M.Div., LCSW-R, FTLead Bereavement Counselor
Published with the help of VNSNY’s Marketing Department.For more information, please contact me:[email protected] or call me at 212-609-7992
Seasons of Life
Making the Holidays Meaningful and Manageable
T he holiday season can be anespecially difficult time if youare mourning the loss of a
loved one. Whether it is the Jewishholidays in September, the memorialrituals of All Souls in November orthe family gatherings ofThanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmasand New Year’s Eve, these timesaccentuate the absence of the personwho has died. Holiday advertising and stores putting up Christmas decorations can start as early asOctober. It's easy to feel overwhelmed by this barrageof holiday messages, telling you to feel the joy of theseason, have good cheer, and delight in "the mostwonderful time of the year." We will be offering aworkshop on Thursday, November 15th from
6:00-7:30pm. Please attend if youare interested in learning aboutideas to cope with holiday timesand to discuss ways to perhaps findnew meaning and create new tradi-tions. Simply being together withothers who aregoing through the challenges of theholidays can be
helpful and may provide new insightsabout how to make these days morebearable. Contact Willis Partington [email protected] or call212-609-7992 if you would like to register for thisworkshop.
