SCENE: ESTHER / KATIE / MRS. SMITH

ESTHERHello, Momma! Katie.

KATIEHello, Esther!

ESTHERIt was hot on the tennis court.

MRS. SMITHEntirely too hot, if you ask me.

[MRS. SMITH exits into the kitchen.

ESTHER, unnoticed, goes to KATIE and whispers in her ear “Did you ask her?” KATIE reacts. ESTHER exits to the kitchen as MRS. SMITH re-enters the living room.]

KATIE

[Exhales and begins begrudgingly.]Ugh…Would it start a minor revolution in this house if dinner was an hour earlier tonight?

MRS. SMITHMr. Smith hates to eat the moment he gets home.

KATIEWell, you see, I'm due at my sister's house at seven o’clock. On a family matter.

MRS. SMITHSomething wrong at your sister's?

KATIEHavin’ trouble with her husband - - Him bein’a man.

MRS. SMITHOh, yes…Well, early dinner is fine with me, Katie, but you'll have to explain it to Mr. Smith.

KATIEWell, he won't mind, seein’ how tonight's corned beef night.

MRS. SMITH[Begins to cross towards stairs.]

Well, if we’re eating earlier I better go make myself look decent. [MRS. SMITH exits and ESTHER approaches KATIE timidly, as not to be overheard.]

ESTHERIs it all right?

KATIEYes, it’s all right!

ESTHERGood!

KATIEBut I had to tell your poor mother a pack of lies.

ESTHERWell, they're only white lies.

KATIEA lie’s a lie, and dressing it in white don't help. Now, if it's not too much to ask, just why was I lyin’ this time?

ESTHERBecause Rose is expecting—[an important]

KATIE[Interrupting.]

Now, don't go blamin’ this on your sister -

ESTHERBlaming her? We're doing this for her. That rich, RICH, Warren Sheffield has been courting her for six months without one word that even smells like a proposal.

KATIEWhat's that got to do with havin’ dinner early?

ESTHERWarren Sheffield is telephoning tonight - long-distance - at half past six.

KATIELong-distance?

ESTHERYes! He’s on holiday in New York City. If the whole family is sitting here, well, she may be loathe to say the things a girl is compelled to say to get a proposal out of a man—even if the man, unfortunately, is Warren Sheffield.

KATIE

Personally, I wouldn't marry a man who proposed to me over an invention.

SCENE: ESTHER / JOHN TRUITT

[ESTHER crosses back to the Truitt house and knocks. No answer. She tries again. She gives up and begins to leave.]

JOHN TRUITTEsther…sorry I took so long, I was bathing my bruises.

ESTHERJohn, I don’t know how to apologize. I had to come right over when I found out what really happened. Oh, I’m so ashamed. But the worst of it was that for a moment I actually believed her.

JOHN TRUITTBelieved who?

ESTHERTootie…when she claimed you knocked her down and kicked her in the face…

JOHN TRUITTWhat!?!

ESTHERI should have known she was lying and then I saw red!...

[Noticing that JOHN is rubbing his jaw.]Oh, did I do that?

JOHN TRUITT[Indicating his upper arm, hand and hip.]

Uh-huh. And this. And this. And this.

ESTHEROh, John, I... I feel awful!

JOHN TRUITTMe too!

ESTHERDoes it hurt?

JOHN TRUITTWell, no worse than a day at football practice…

[JOHN suddenly smiles.]

Except it's better with a girl. If you’re not busy tomorrow night could you beat me up again!?

[ESTHER laughs.]Why would Tootie pick on me?

ESTHERBecause she thought I hated you. That’s only because I said a few words… oh, John, I’m so sorry, (I- I have to explain….)

JOHN TRUITT[Interrupting.]

But you don’t hate me do you? ESTHER

Of course I don’t. Any other boy in the whole world would have realized weeks ago that I was out to get him. From the moment we met -- and before. I was outrageously forward, but it didn’t seem to make any impression at all.

JOHN TRUITTIt was just my darn…oh, pardon the expression…It was my shyness. Well, ever since I saw you, I was fascinated by you. But I became, well… locked up inside. That’s why I babbled on about newts and when you asked me to stay and help you with the lights I wanted to kiss you! Oh, Esther, oh thank heavens for Tootie! She’s brought it all out into the open!

ESTHERJohn, it's awfully nice of you to accept my apology. [Awkward beat. “Where do we go from here?”]Well...I guess I'd better be getting home. It's getting late.

JOHN TRUITT [ESTHER starts to leave.]

Esther? Would you mind helping me turn off the lights? I'm afraid of mice.ESTHER

[Laughs.]All the lights are out.

JOHN TRUITTWouldn't take a minute to turn ‘em on.

ESTHERWell, wouldn't that be kind of wasting a minute?

JOHN TRUITTYeah. Yeah, I guess it would.

SCENE: ESTHER / LON / ROSE / KATIE

ESTHER[Chuckles.]

Oh, Lon, you needn't be so touchy just because Lucille Ballard doesn't think you're good enough to take her to the Christmas Ball.

LON[Defensive.]

A girl has a right to go to a Ball with whoever she chooses. I just didn't ask soon enough.

ROSE[Snide.]

Everybody knows that she's just an Eastern snob on the look-out for a rich husband.

LONI’ll thank you to keep Miss Ballard’s name out of this.

ROSEJust because you had a few dates with her in New York, is no reason to lose your sense of proportion.

LONLook who’s talking! You’re sulking around because Warren Sheffield didn't ask you to the dance.

ESTHERThat’s not true, Rose could have had any man she wanted.

LONAny boy except Warren Sheffield!

ESTHERThat’s exactly who Lucille Ballard has been throwing herself at!

LONShe has not!

ESTHERShe has to! And all because Warren’s father's money. Anyway, Rose accepted dozens of invitations.

ROSEAnd then the big oaf went off and got the measles!

LON

You only accepted Douglas Moore’s invitation to spite Warren!ROSE / ESTHER / LON

[Ad libbed, simultaneously.] “Oh, hush up!” “Come now, Lon!” “It’s true and you know it!”

[KATIE comes down with her clothes basket full and humorously emphasizes her speech with a piece of clothing from the line -- frozen stiff.]

KATIEOh, this is what I call real “Christmas Spirit.” You two have spent Lon’s entire vacation at each other's throats. Alonzo Smith, Jr. did it ever occur to you that you might take your sister Rose to the dance?

ROSE & LONWhat?

KATIEAnythin’ wrong with going with your own brother?

ROSEAnd be the laughingstock of all St. Louis?

LON[Overlapping Katie.]

Well, thank you very much! KATIE

Oh, well, only a small portion of St. Louis population will be at the dance!ESTHER

Katie's right, it solves all of our problems, and it shows the true spirit of Christmas.

LONI’ll thank you to leave Christmas out of this.

ESTHERAlonzo, it's our last Ball in St. Louis. It would be tragic if either of you missed it.

ROSEOh, it’s all right for you to talk. You have a date -- a real one!

ESTHERWell, Rose, even if I didn’t have a date -- which I have -- I'd be thrilled to go with my brother.

[ESTHER implores silently to ask ROSE. LON reluctantly crosses over to ROSE.]

LONRose? Will you…I mean…would you...

ROSE[At first playing hard to get.]

Oh, Lon…of course I could….and I will!KATIE

That settles it, then! And the both of you’ll have the best time of anybody. You won't have to be polite to each other.

SCENE: ESTHER / LON / ROSE / KATIE [TOOTIE pulls away from ESTHER.]

TOOTIEIf Santa brings me any toys, I'm taking them with me! I'm taking all my dolls. The dead ones, too! I'm taking everything.

ESTHEROf course you are. I'll help you pack them myself. You don't have to leave anything behind, except your snow people, of course.

TOOTIE[Suddenly distressed.]

My snowmen!ESTHER

[Chuckles.]We'd look pretty silly trying to get them on the train, wouldn't we?

[TOOTIE pulls away from ESTHER and runs out the front door. ESTHER grabs her wrap and runs after her.]

ESTHERTootie? Tootie. Tootie. Where are you going? Tootie, come back here! Tootie!

[TOOTIE grabs a shovel and begins to pelt the snowmen.]

TOOTIEIf we can’t take my snowmen to New York nobody else is going to have them! I'd rather kill them!

ESTHERYou can build other snow people in New York.

TOOTIENo, you can't. You can't do anything in New York like you can in St. Louis.

ESTHERCome back in right now. You'll catch your death out here.

TOOTIEI don’t care if I do! I don’t care!

ESTHERThat’s really silly. Even you can see that.

TOOTIEWe can't do anything like we do in St. Louis.

[ESTHER continues speaking while she tenderly leads TOOTIE to the porch steps. TOOTIE sits on her lap, her head on ESTHER’s chest. MR. SMITH has moved by the window, in the darkness, observing what is happening. ]

ESTHEROh, no, darling, you're wrong. New York is a wonderful city. Everybody dreams of going there, but we're luckier than most families because we're really going. Wait till you see the fine home we'll have and all friends we'll make. Wonderful friends.

[Suddenly emotional.]But the main thing, Tootie, the main thing that is we're all going to be together… just like we've always been. We can be happy anywhere as long as we're together.

[TOOTIE cries, but during ESTHER’s speech, it has become less hysterical, and her weeping has diminished to occasional sobs.]

MR. SMITHWhat’s all this racket in the middle of the night?

ESTHERIt’s nothing, Papa. Tootie’s just a little over-tired and upset about leaving St. Louis. Come on, darling. That's a girl. Santa Claus is going to be here any minute.

[They enter the house.]Say goodnight to Papa, dear.

TOOTIEGood night, Papa. I haaaate you. You’re the most horrible person in the whole wide world. You should be ashamed to be you!

ESTHEROh, Tootie! I’m sorry, Papa.

SCENE: LON / TOOTIE LON

Tootie, when I was coming up the back path, I happened to look over at your doll cemetery.

TOOTIEWe had a funeral this morning.

LONThen that’s what I must’ve heard!

[A look of horror burst on his face.]Golly Moses!

TOOTIEWhat is it, Lon? Grave-robbers?!

LONIf it were only that!

[LON dramatically throws his head into his arm and feigns weeping.]

TOOTIETell me!

LONI can’t tell you, Tootie! I haven’t the heart!

TOOTIEOh, tell me, Lon! Please tell me!

[ESTHER enters by the front door, carrying a tennis racket.]

LONA living death!

TOOTIEBut Bridget Rockefeller was dead when we buried her. She didn’t make a single sound or move a muscle when we put her in her shroud.

LON[LON picks up the newspaper.]

Well, that’s all right then.

[LON dramatically opens it up.]Maybe that moaning I heard was just the wind…

TOOTIEMoaning????

LON

Like a so-ooooo-ul in agony. If I were you, I’d dig her up and give her a look. If she’s moved…

TOOTIEShe’s alive?!

LONYes!

TOOTIEShe’s alive and supp-li-fa-cating!

[TOOTIE runs off screeching towards the back yard.]

SCENE: TOOTIE / GRANDPA / AGNES

TOOTIEGrandpa, why was Papa so mean about his bath?

GRANDPAMaybe he was pooped from the office. Everybody’s a “poop” when their pooped.

TOOTIEI love it when Papa yells. It’s so exciting. I yelled at Bridget Rockefeller last night.

GRANDPAAnd look what happened to her.

AGNESGrandpa, you know everything, don’t you?

GRANDPAYes, of course.

AGNESWill I know everything when I get to your age?

GRANDPAYou’ve got a long time to learn.

AGNESDo you remember everything in your whole life?

GRANDPAAbsolutely everything…

AGNESWhat was it like when you were a boy? Is it very different from being a girl?

GRANDPA [Chuckling.]

Well, I suppose so. Cheer up. Don’t worry Agnes. The two of you should be delighted to be girls. God has many wonderful surprises in store for you, and growing up is just one of them.

SCENE: MR. SMITH / ROSE / MRS. SMITH / TOOTIE / ESTHER [As they sing, we see MR. SMITH, Dressed in a suit and hat and carrying a briefcase, climbing onto the front porch, reacting negatively to the singing. He scowls, bad-tempered, as he enters the foyer and looks into the living room.]

MR. SMITHOh, for heaven's sake, STOP that scrEEching.

ROSEWe're sorry, Papa.

MR. SMITH[Grumpy.]

That song! The Fair won't open for another nine months and that's all everybody talks about, or sings about.

[MRS. SMITH enters and goes to MR. SMITH and kisses him.]

MRS. SMITHHello, dearest. Did you have a nice day?

MR. SMITHI lost the case.

MRS. SMITHOh, I'm sorry. And you were so sure you'd win it.

MR. SMITHI overlooked one thing - - That judge is a moron.

TOOTIEPapa, if losing a case makes you so mad, why don't you stop being a lawyer and be somebody else?

MR. SMITHTootie, that's a wonderful idea. Starting tomorrow, I intend to play first base for the St. Louis Browns.

MRS. SMITHLonnie, what do you want to do that for?

MR. SMITH[Chuckles.]

Every young man has a dream.TOOTIE

Guess what happened today! Poor Bridget Rockefeller was buried alive, and when I went to save her, her head came off!

MR. SMITHWhose head came off? Anna what is this child—

MRS. SMITH[Shooing TOOTIE away.]

That’s enough, Tootie! [To MR. SMITH.]

That's all right, Dearest. You'll feel better as soon as you’ve had your dinner.

MR. SMITHMaybe. But right now, I'm going to soak in a cool bathtub for one solid hour.

ESTHERBut that's impossible. Dinner's in five minutes.

MR. SMITHFive minutes?

[Taking out his pocket watch.]It's only five thirty, not six thirty. In this time zone, anyway.

MRS. SMITHAlonzo, we're planning on eating an hour earlier this evening.

MR. SMITHThe plans have just been changed. I'm taking a bath.

MRS. SMITHWe’re eating early for Katie’s sake. She’s got to rush home as soon as we finish.

[She whispers conspiratorially.]Her sister's fighting with her husband.

MR. SMITH[He whispers back.]

I suppose they'll stop fighting if I don't take a bath.ESTHER

Oh, Papa…MRS. SMITH

Lon, Katie has been with us for ten years and never asks favors. We can't risk losing her.

ESTHERWe’d never get another maid for twelve dollars a month.

MR. SMITH[Obviously about to explode.]

I’m telling you, --[I don't care]MRS. SMITH

[Interrupting, trying to avoid the explosion.]Lon! Don’t! Count to three.

MR. SMITH[Softly.]

One—Two—Three—MRS. SMITH

[Satisfied he is calm again.]There you are.

MR. SMITH[Exploding as he ascends the staircase]

I don't care if we have to pay a maid fifteen dollars a month1! Dinner will be at six thirty. And if Katie wants to hand in her notice, she can reach me IN THE BATH-TUB!

[MR. SMITH stomps up the stairs defiantly with the ENTIRE FAMILY gazing up at him.]

MRS. SMITHOh, dear! Oh, dear! Now we’ve upset him. For nothing.

[Running off to the kitchen.]Katie! Katie!

ROSEWell, I suppose after all that “who-ha” about dinner, we better go tidy ourselves.

1 "Fifteen dollars a month" - roughly equal to about $340 in 2007.

SCENE: AGNES / KATIE / MRS. SMITH

AGNESKatie! Katie, where's my cat? Have you seen her?

KATIE[Humorously.]

Well, a while back she got under me feet, so I kicked her down the cellar steps.

AGNES[Ad libbed, horrified.]

No!

KATIEI could hear her spine hit on every step.

AGNES[Wildly, crossing to her.]

If you've killed her, I'll kill you…I’ll…I'll stab you to death in your sleep.

KATIE[Unimpressed.]

Oh, won't that be terrible, now? Go on in the kitchen, she’s eating a plate of sardines.

AGNES[Brightening, instantly.]

She is? Oh, Lady Babbie.[MRS. SMITH enters from the stairs.]

MRS. SMITHAgnes, look at you! You’re all wet!

AGNESYou should have come under the hose with me mother! The water was lovely!

MRS. SMITHOh, wouldn’t the neighbors have loved that? Now, go upstairs and change your clothes. We’re having dinner early this evening.

AGNESOh, I can't get hungry till it gets dark.

KATIE[Dryly.]

Well, dinner's at 5:30. You can eat blindfolded.