VEED-subtitles …centervideo.forest.usf.edu/video/jit/florida/... · 2020. 12. 1. · Well, I'm just like look, you gotta let the eye rolling go please just let that go. Let them

file:///centervideo.forest.usf.edu/...ud/VEED-subtitles_Stressless%20With%20Defiance%20Oppositional%20Defiant%20Students_default.txt[12/1/2020 8:36:44 AM]

Okay.

All right you guys there?

Okay, so triggers to so here you go the forties if you didn't

get it if you didn't write it down take a picture of that

and it's going to be in the video but triggers course.

No, so what do we talk about?

We talk about with triggers.

Like if you have a structure these kids with ADHD autism

even anxiety.

They kind of need to know what to expect.

They need to know like thing to checklist.

So what we do is we'll do like a will do is dry eraser board

that on this side.

It has before school check check marks Little Boxes check

check check check check for the five things.

They need to do three to five things in the morning before

before dinner five checks check check check check check when

those things are done.

They earn a third of their Electronics time each time.

Does that make sense?

Same thing with before bed check check check check check,

then you can use your electronics time and then we want the

electronics off 30 minutes to an hour.

Hour before bed to let their brain calm down.

So they're not all jacked up from Call of Duty before they

go to bed.

Okay?


Yeah, you like that?

Okay.

All right.

I know when I first started playing that I woke up in the

middle the night fire fire fire.

My wife was scared my my wife my poor anyway, so directives,

okay. These are things these are no-nos oppositional no nose.

You will put that away right now take a timeout.

What are some other ones that we say?

So that story I sit on the news interview was talking about

I remember this mom her son said, you know curse of her in

the middle of the her restaurant her family restaurant, and

she said you can't talk to me like that and you know what

he did.

He cursed right back at her.

He won't know.

She said you can't talk to me.

If you do that again, I'm gonna slap you and then he said

to and then she slapped him back in front of the Wrath in

the front of all of her customers.

Now, this was before Yelp and Google reviews because if she

would have done that today, right PP.

All of our customers have been.

Oh my God, the lady that owns the place just custard custard.

I mean slapped her son and the restaurant That would have

been it would have been over.

But then she couldn't make them not cuss.


So when you say things when you threaten things you can't

make them not do.

They are empowered.

They are now powerful that you did that that you tried to

say that and then they just showed you who was boss.

Or how about we're not we're not going to the movies if you

do that again, and then the whole family gets a consequence

and so you treat it like a military, you know in the military

messes up right course in the military.

It's there's a point for that because if somebody messes

up like that could be everybody dies and the military We're

at home.

You can still say hey, we're going to still go to the movies,

but you're not getting popcorn and coke and all that.

Does that make sense or you might have to apologize and do

something to make it up do a chore for me to make it up to

me? That's part of what I'm going to show a little bit later

to then get that privilege back.

Okay, so if you do that again, if you say that one more time,

don't you ever maybe guys say that you know you cannot.

How about how about oh, no you didn't.

It's you know, an African-American culture.

It's interesting.

They don't like to put up with their kids rolling their eyes.

Isn't that right?

No.

Oh, no, you did.


Well, okay.

Well, everybody has their cultural things.

I mean just like this stuff right?

Well, I'm just like look, you gotta let the eye rolling go

please just let that go.

Let them Express themselves.

Somehow a lot of times.

We just shut down all emotion.

We can valid that's what I said.

We need to validate them neither and we're going to talk

about how we're you know how to do that at the end.

Okay, here we go.

Oppositional knows too much focus on small things like rolling

eyes. Okay, or I'm or I don't like this or I this the sucks,

you know, why don't you say that, you know, well, you don't

like what I'm doing, then you can go live somewhere else.

Okay, and then they walk out the door, then you call the

police because they're a kid ran away.

Well, he told me to leave he told me I could live somewhere

else. It's really confusing make one-on-one time conditional.

That's not good.

You can still we can still hang out what can still have our

quality time but we may not go to Chick-fil-A and you know

might just go sit at the park and talk.

And hang out, but you know, maybe we'll still with will still

throw the football but we're not going to go good Jeremiah's

afterwards and get an ice cream, you know, whatever just


we're still going to have quality time together.

You need to have that that's actually what gives you more

influence. If you if you go on our YouTube channel, it's

a is it total life media is our YouTube channel?

If you go there there's a few search Penn State.

There's a there's a study that talks about why dads have

more influence than moms and it's because we're big kids.

Of course, some people would call this Disney dad.

Isn't that interesting when you're together dad plays with

the kids and mom teaches them get your elbows off the table

and wait, you're not holding the fork right or you know,

or did Do your homework, where's you know, there's all these

other things, you know that which is amazing that women can

think about all these things at once and that's why I was

guys don't usually do those things because we can't multitask

that well, but the guys are all about playing we're big kids.

We just have bigger toys, right but it all of a sudden we

get divorced all of a sudden now that person's a Disney dad

know, he's one of those Disney dad's.

Well, he was that way the whole time right?

So so that's not fair is it, you know, so not so Times, you

know, it's a true statement, but you know, we have to deal

with those things but it's you know as so we need to have

fun with the kids to earn their influence.

There's a buddy of mine that works with defiant kids and

he's been on dr.

Phil a few times.


His name is James McManus.

He's at Palm Beach.

It's a Palm Beach Gardens.

It's a family first and what do they do with the kids?

They go paintball, they go deep sea fishing and it's a residential

program and they're doing and they're having all this fun.

You're thinking that's like rewarding them.

They made my life hell and now I'm sitting there for this.

Well, you know what they're doing they're doing stuff we

should have been doing the whole time even though they're

acting up we should be still having fun with them we need

to have fun that's how we have influence and that's what

the Penn State study said to moms have fun with your kids

just like don't be about don't make it all about does minor

things you know get your elbows off the table and you know

try to focus on two or three big behaviors that she want

to like mold and shape and and we'll worry about the little

things later if that makes sense communicates conditional

love well there's this there's a statement from Chapman's

book five love languages it says the quantity of quality

time father spend with their sons correlates with the amount

of college they complete or how much legal issues they have

depending upon how much time is not spent basically isn't

that interesting I mean we do see that we do see people with

kids that are juveniles they're having trouble and what's

going on with their dad Not much, and that's the problem.

Isn't it in our society?


That's a big problem today.

I was one of those kids.

I don't know how I made it but it will actually do it was

God. So yeah, so in my mom putting me around positive men

and being in my church and two men taking me under their

wing and really good coaches, you know for a little league

and basketball right and teachers so lack of supervision

or guidance.

That's a No-No with oppositional Defiance yelling remember

tone is Very important so funny.

I had a dad come in and he's got to ADHD kids and they go

I can't no I can't give you too much details, but he's a

medical doctor and he's like Jim we had a great week and

I go really what happened because you know, Jim he put his

head down he goes.

I just stop yelling.

And I'm like, okay.

So what do you mean he goes?

Well, we put the structure in place and there's a contract

there's a 30 days if you you know, you're good then I'm turning

on your Instagram account.

And if you blow it, I just turn it off.

He said I just turn it off now.

I don't get mad.

They know the consequence and they delivered the bad news

the kids do when they cross the line go.

So what happens when you when you do that?


I lose Instagram.

Yeah, sorry about that.

No, you're not if you were you'd leave it on.

Now that's our deal.

Right?

Does that what's the contract say?

Okay fine.

I had no the contract.

I know what it says.

Okay.

And you can rebuild trust by doing three hours of weeding

because one hour didn't work with this kid and two hours

didn't work.

So we had to apologize and make it up with three hours of

weeding. And that for some reason was what got his attention

enough that he could earn back the trust and get his account

turned back on after 30 days in that interesting.

So then I had then I told his wife in a separate session

when she came in what happened and she's like, I know I got

to work on that.

I got to work on my tone.

And so and they did and they're doing so much better.

No, because they just stopped yelling because nobody can

I mean when emotions are high, this is really important a

buddy. Watch this when emotions are high the ability to reason

is low.

This is temporary insanity right here.


Where's your ability to reason is this a good time to use

lots of logic and reasoning and wax eloquent and make your

case for why you're right.

Is it no it's not so we want to calm things down one of valid

him. Well, I can see you're frustrated because I know how

much you love to stay up or I know how much you love your

video game time.

And I know how much you would love to be up late.

Yes, so let me stay up late.

So when they go yes, that was therapeutic.

That was cathartic for them.

So they calm down and then you go so and so what you're so

I II C so but what time is it is what we would say then we

would start to test things with logic.

We'd use a logical question now to say, what do you think?

What time is it nine o'clock stupid curfew or stupid bedtime.

Yeah.

I know.

It's stupid instead of going don't you say it's stupid.

That's a minor what Behavior let that go.

They can think it's stupid all they want.

You don't have to change it because they think that you can

agree with them.

Right, I can see how you think that's stupid you agree with

how they feel not that you don't agree with them and you

know you agree with their feeling does that make sense that

took me a long time to understand that by the way as a guy


I really had a hard time with that.

I was a youth pastor and I really had a hard time understanding

that when people would parents would say, oh my kid said

this happened in the youth group and it didn't happen and

I would just get defensive when they're up here and their

emotional and they're upset and they're temporarily insane

and I would be like that ever happened.

They would get even more mad because you know, I just did

I in validated them?

How many times do we do that with the kids?

So again, remember if their biological adults we need to

start talking to him that way because you guys validate each

other for the most part you validate your friends.

So let's validate them to backhanded compliments.

Well, it's about time you cleaned out your locker.

It's about time you cleaned out your room.

But you missed all of this over here.

What's up?

What's this under your bed?

Instead of saying hey man.

Good job cleaning your room.

Thank you so much high five.

And and then if you have a checklist of how to clean the

room say looks like you got this this and that and that's

awesome. Is there anything missing is there anything left

get them to tell you the bad news?

Oh, I got to get that stuff out from under the bed and throw


it in the hamper.

That'd be great.

Otherwise, it's stuff's going to stink and weeds are going

to grow and you know bugs would probably be a good idea.

We're talking like adults make sense.

We have a consequence in place.

If they don't they won't earn as much Electronics time.

Because if we had that checklist and that's on the checklist,

that's how they earn their time.

Okay president.

How about a command as a favor?

Do you think you could do do you think you should do your

classwork or your homework?

Do you think you can do that?

Or do you think you should dress out a PE?

We can give choices though when it's possible instead we

can we can actually give them choices.

Do you want to finish it up now or finish during recess?

So that's what we tell the teachers to say.

Would you like to do that during recess was like to do it

now. I'll give you a few minutes to think about it.

If you give me a few minutes and you walk away, then they

don't get to insanity and they start to think think think

and process and they calm down there like fine.

I'll do it and they do their work.

But if you press them really hard while they're in the middle

of it, they're going to get insane and then they're going


to try to hook you to by the way because misery loves company.

How many of us Fall For The Hook we take the bait we're all

guilty of that.

Right?

How about giving too many commands at once people that HD?

They don't handle multiple prompts.

That's why we need to check list.

Remember we want that little checklist want to check list

for morning routine afternoon routine and evening routine.

We want to check list and keep pointing back to that checklist.

Can I play my video games manage?

Yes, you can when you what, Finish your checklist.

What's left?

That's stupid checklist hate that checklist.

I hate chores.

I know me too.

Now.

I just validated them how many of us love chores if you raise

your hand that means you're obsessive compulsive disorder.

It's good old mental health humor, right?

Okay harsh discipline when it's like really really harsh

or way over the top.

Escalating consequences.

How about parents?

That don't say they how about they about parents that don't

apologize. That's another thing that's really damaging very

painful very difficult because now we're not modeling how


to apologize because 90% I'm sorry 89% of how we learn is

what we see.

Okay.

Okay.

You've got a week you want to go for two and then you sound

like an Auctioneer?

Okay, we got to we got to get him a car.

Oh we got three.

All right, let's keep going.

Anyway, do we have for do I hear for do I own for now that

persons with you for four weeks?

Yay, woohoo, and then if you give in and let them off after

a week, you just gave them power they just won again.

I will give you a way out of that remind me.

I'm going to teach you how to get out of that when you're

temporarily insane and you go over the top and you give too

much too slow.

I'm going to give you a way out of that.

If you overdo consequence, that's right.

They just said that so gives a student a choice.

That's the that is the answer give them a choice to apologize

and do some chores for you to make it up to you and then

you can let them off, you know to make sense.

You like that don't you you're like, yes because Mom does

that to me I get all right.

She's like I like this guy.

All right using long-term consequences, liberally.


long-term consequences for serious issues like drugs You

know, you know reserved for that or like the get in trouble

with the law or they get suspended at school.

Okay, it consistent rules, you know, you have a consequence

that's you know, you know that you know, they have a if your

cut your consequences are inconsistent like sometimes there's

a consequence sometimes there's not that's so really hard

on kids like that giving up on request because of persistence

or resistance.

So when they keep wearing you down, so there's those kids

with autism that just obsess over something.

They like and they keep going and going and going and they

keep obsessing obsessing and I had a mom tell me the other

yesterday in my office and I give in and she said it in front

of the kid and like, oh, I wish you wouldn't have said that

but the kid already knows it.

He's already doing it.

He's got the power.

Heavily praised the kissing.

What do we do here are things we do heavily praised High

compliance commands initially so man, like I said great job

cleaning up your room and give me some even if it's not done

properly good job with your homework, even if it's not completed

and they think it is.

Hey looks like it did a great job here.

Let's look at this.

Wow.


You got 15 of these problems done.

There's only there's only five left.

Good job, man way to go instead of know there's five.

You didn't do these five.

Isn't that what we do your focus on what they didn't do or

how about I get report cards when we focus on the F.

No focus on the good grades first if there is a good grade.

Focus on the good grades first or the highest F even man,

you got it that was really close to a deed.

And I know you really worked hard and it could be that's

the case that they did work hard.

They could have a learning disability that we don't know

about. They could be ADHD and they're not being treated and

if you can't focus man, you're going to be doing well in

school. You need to focus you need to be to motivate yourself

to do those things.

Right?

So how about must have rules rewards and consequences.

So if you do your checklist you get to the your electronics

if Don't so for instance for teenagers.

If they don't do their morning routine.

They maybe just don't take your phone to school today.

Okay, but guess what you do it the afternoon you get it back.

But if you don't you can do it after dinner and then you

can have it for a few minutes after dinner because whatever

time you earn you get to use.



So it's like every day's a new day though.

You can take it to school tomorrow doesn't have to be you

lost it for a week or a year or a month.

So we so because because with ADHD there like hippies live

in the now, baby.

They are Tomorrow Never Comes, they'll tell you tomorrow.

I'll do it.

But tomorrow never comes because it's always today.

Unless you're in Tomorrowland then it's tomorrow, right?

That's a Disney joke.

Sorry.

Okay, so ask ask the child to tell you what they need to

do. So remember we already talked about that ask him.

What what you need to do.

I think Steve Harvey says when then he would talk show host

when then when you do this, then you can do that and I really

want you to do it.

Okay, does that make sense when then in the subset of set

ups like facing somebody like this, you know, and we're it's

a And yeah, I want you to do that.

When you do this, you can do it.

I want you to get a play.

I want you to go outside.

I want to play video games.


But now we're like this instead of like this.

Do you talk like this to your friends?


Right?

They would think you're crazy.

I'm like come out your kid.

So when then Go to the couch are go to the child touch and

use eye contact.

Just what we just did there right child recites the request

to all right, tell me what we just talked about.

What do you need to do?

First?

My checklist?

That's awesome, man.

And when that's done, what can you do I get to play so excited.

I can't wait for you to play.


Yeah, praise when they recite as if they already completed

the task.

Yeah, that's it, man.

Way to go good job.

You got this make complex tasks simpler ones like a checklist.

Okay, make commands effective.

Okay, this is good.

So, okay.

So we're going to take a little break the second session.

We're going to be covering these things.

Okay sure cards.

You guys can have heat you guys, uh, or cards you note or

cards a good idea to that way, you know, it's like it tells


you exactly what it is when you clean your room.

There's like three or four things.

So maybe on maybe you have like a List of you know, like

four or five things here on the on the chalkboard or on a

dry eraser board, but maybe there's a card that tells them

exactly how to clean their room stipulate a time period as

well. They need a time period give them a time period to

do it.

I'll give you 15 minutes to clean your room and if you do

clean it, but you know what happens?

What's the reward I get a check mark toward my electronics

time. I get it, you know and maybe every checkbox is two

minutes of electronics time or are four minutes or five minutes.

Just depending upon how old they are and we talked about

that too.

If they're under night if they're six to nine years old if

they're under six they should not be on electronic devices.

Under six the American Academy of Pediatrics in June of 2016

said that kids under 6 should not have it.

Let me tell you something about this, you know, Steve Jobs.

He do, you know that he did not give his kids an iPad.

He did not give his kids an iPad guys know his kids he could

have he was a billionaire.

He did not give his kids a child and iPad.

And by the way, I wasn't too sure why because there was no

app store when it came out.

There was no addictive programs.


Okay.

Do you know when they make these games and these apps they

have psychologists on site that know how to make things addictive

they use the same people that made casino games addictive.

So for instance when you're on the phone, I don't have my

phone on me.

But when you're on your phone and you go like this, you know

what that simulates.

slot machine Okay, and when that when those numbers are flashing

in front of you like that like The Wheel of Fortune right

right with a big wheel.

That's that's it yet or the prices, right?

Yeah that too.

Yeah, that's right.

Thank you.

So, you know it's addictive right?

Yeah.

Do you know when they hold the questions if you don't mind,

do you know that they I was about to die did a news interview

about I was CBS or ABC and right before I went on they go.

Oh, we're going to have Jim West he was doing a Facebook

live video.

He's going to talk about video game addiction.

Do you know my brother work?

This is the anchor I can't really guys name, but he goes,

you know, my brother Works in San Francisco, and he they

put a EEG cap on the kids when they're playing video.


Rio games and they and it and they checked to see what lights

up that frontal lobe.

What makes them go.

Ooh, I like that part of the game.

That was amazing.

And if it doesn't light up the brain, you know, what they

do with that part of the game.

They scrapped it they get rid of it.

They get rid of the game.

So now they have been a fortnight.

I was interviewed many times about Fortnight.

It's not a bad game.

It's that it's not a bad game at all.

They've just learned how to make it more addictive.

So you got to really watch how much the kids play.

It's nothing wrong with I have a 7 foot screen.

Have surround sound I have an Xbox 360 Xbox One in my office.

I have it at my house.

There's nothing wrong with it, but it's how much the kids

play and I've seen it.

I've seen kids get addicted to it to the point where they

quit playing sports.

And then as soon as you put the parental controls in place

and you limit how much they play to whatever based on their

age guess what happens I had this guy with was a very amazing

swimmer top of his game where the best private schools in

this and the state.


Eight and he quit he quit swim club which Swim Club you have

to do to stay in shape so that when you try out again for

the swim team you can make it and he quit the swim club and

his parents were like, I don't know why he quit and I'm like

well, how much video games is he playing?

They're like, what does that have to do with it?

And I go well, how much is he playing?

How about 6 hours a day?

And what's happened to his grades?

His grades have gone down.

Okay have a guy wanting to be he's in the top.

I don't know 60 in the in the whole world and Fortnight and

he wants to be a professional video game player and ever

since he's wanted to do that and he increased his play from

40 hours a day to 80 hours a day, his grades dropped and

he's trying to compare himself to other performance artists

and athletes and I'm like well look, I were to I work with

those people we work with the NBA we work with the MLB.

We have contract we Work with all these all these athletes

and I go and they and by the way most of them to play pro

sports. They had to make it to College.

They had a great what you have to do high school and they

had to go to you know, and so how much do they do?

Well, they do 20 hours of practice a year a week to be to

make it to college to play at that level and and then during

peak season.

They're 40 hours a week.


So that's if you're going to play that much you don't need

to play 80 you can play 40 right anyway, so So his grades

are going up as we cut back his time and all that kind of

stuff, right?

But let me go back to my daughter.

I gave my we let my daughter watch educational TV programs.

So my wife can work out so she they watch like 30 minutes

sometimes an hour and they if they watch it on TV and their

time is up.

We turn it off.

Everything's cool.

If she's watching it on the iPad same exact thing pull up

DirecTV app DVR.

Boom.

She plays it right there see In place and we turn it off

when she's holding that iPad.

This is three and a half years old.

Guess what happens?

She freaks out.

She's not playing a game.

Nothing is addictive.

It's just a TV program at two-and-a-half.

Somebody handed her the phone for the very first time it

was somebody giving me a bid to do my pool over and my daughter

was getting like board two and a half.

She held the iPhone for the first time.

She the lady said here's puppy pictures on Google and my


daughter's doing doing this.

She showed her how to do it.

And every time she does it dopamine is released.

Whoo.

Do that again.

Woah never felt that before not that much right as a me puppies

release a ton of dopamine man, right?

It's crazy.

How much dope when it releases and then all of a sudden we

the lady takes her phone with her and my daughter freaks

out has a massive meltdown.

That means are you kidding me now?

If we had a bunch of pictures of puppies just laid out all

over the table.

She would have been fine.

But for some reason that and that's why Steve Jobs didn't

let his kids have have that a lot of Executives in the technology

industry. Don't let them have it Justin Rosenstein the guy

that made the like button got a flip phone because he wasn't

productive because he was on Snapchat and read it and all

these social media sites, and he said Snapchat was heroin.

It was like heroin.

It was addicted.

He got himself banned from Snapchat.

How do you do that?

You can send like dirty pictures of yourself to people and

get and get pictures.


How do you what do you have to send to get banned from Snapchat?

Right?

So so that's where the American Academy of Pediatrics said

and I talked about this is an art alternatives to it might

be in that is it about hey Chris.

Is it in the Defiance workbook the boundaries would Electronics

is it in there?

I think it is.

Okay, so it'll be in your handout, but it tells you based

on. Not me Don't Kill the Messenger but 629 guess how much

30 minutes a day with a hundred and fifty minutes of socialization.

They wanted to actually talk to people in person 450 minutes,

which people aren't doing today by the way social media.

The only thing good that's come from that is it's actually

reduce teen pregnancy.

Because kids are getting together as much.

Because you kind of have to get together.

They haven't figured that one out in virtually yet how to

get virtually pregnant I guess.

So when Obama takes credit for reducing teen pregnancy pregnancy,

it was actually social media that did that, okay.

So but yeah, it's you know, so we got to put that so then

there's a thing.

It's a 60 Minutes for 10 to 12.

Yeah, 10 to 12 is 60 Minutes of electronics with that's YouTube

also because YouTube is highly addictive.

There's a book called hooked how to make habit-forming products


you can read about it.

The guy's name is last name is e Ali yal.

Okay, and he told he basically says here's how we hooked

you guys and if you want to make a habit forming product

here, here's how to do it.

What's the first thing you grab when you wake up?

hmm interesting I grab my wife.

I'm in a nice way, you know, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, actually I grab my phone I did.

Yeah, you know, but isn't it but before the phone what do

we do?

They've hooked us all they've done a really good job.

Okay, so I'm just being honest.

So so we look at our phones and then we cuddle a little bit

right before the kids.

Wake up.

Hopefully right that doesn't happen very often but Reduce

time delays for consequences use timers and points of performance.

So you can make the timers can be the microwave clock of

course their phones.

It could be that right.

So those are some things but just watch the electronics let

them, you know, by the way 13 to 15 is hour and a half with

three hours of socialization and then teenagers 16 and up


is two hours with two hours of socialization.

So they're just finding that they used to just say how much

to limit it but they they found that the kids were just kind

of waiting and this had their time and just sitting there

and they weren't developing their social skills.

In fact in Taiwan there writing tickets.

They're writing tickets in Taiwan to parents if they're under

18 because those kids are so behind socially because they're

getting phones at 5 and 6 years old in Singapore McDonald's

put a little Locker to put your phone so that the kids would

play on the playground that's collecting dust and McDonald's

which now nobody wants their kids playing on those playgrounds

because the coronavirus right so, Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, here's a so praise praise compliant.

Oh, you know what?

I think already did that praised throughout the task.

So while they're doing it.

Hey, you're doing a good job.

Keep it keep going.

You're almost done.

You're almost there.

Good job way to go way to go.

So keep praising them right to let them evaluate themselves

and score themselves.

Okay, go check the checkboxes off for the things you've done.

Oh wait you checked off?


Yeah.

You did cleaned your room.

Good job you brush your teeth.

Awesome.

Yep.

I checked your toothbrush.

It was wet way to go your breath smells awesome that's amazing

and you know in the so you're just constantly praising them.

And by the way, the reason we're doing this others may try

to get in the reason we're doing this.

Why are we doing that?

What kind of because they get so much negative attention

they get in trouble so much and I had so much shame and guilt.

So we're going to praise them like quite more frequently

than we would just like you would a you're trying to potty

train a two and a two two and a half year old three-year-old.

You're trying to you're constantly praising.

Hey, good job.

You did a poop way to go.

That's awesome.

Here's likes, you know lollipop or something right?

We're just we're going to praise them almost like that.

But but try not to be too patronizing especially if they're

teenagers, okay.

All right, grab bags are good idea.

You know that could be like going to the Dollar Store.

Here's 20 bucks at the dollar store knock yourself out everything


that you buy here will go into this treasure chest or into

these bags.

And then when you hit a certain score you get a toy and it

you want to have daily rewards for these guys something daily.

We usually like to lose privileges, but you might want to

have some extra like the reflect ronix or fun time.

It can be whatever that the little checklist the three column

checklist. We're talking about like the dry eraser board.

Whatever they want to earn.

You know, they want Lego time.

Well, then you if the Legos is the most important thing to

them you lock up those Legos everyday you lock them up and

every day that you're done boom.

And yeah, let me got the key right here.

It's around my neck.

By the way.

Don't hide the key.

You're laughing.

You know why Jamie, right?

Yeah, because they're gonna do what they're gonna go find

that key somewhere.

They're going to assess they're going to tear up your house.

He just say hey, I got the key.

It's right here.

Okay, and man, I want to I want to take This key up when

you're done.

I want you to play.


I want you to have fun.

I love watching you have fun.

I love to see your face light up and I hope you like to see

mom's late face light up when everything's done.

It's so nice.

I love that.

Okay.

Alright, here's why charts fail.

So it's interesting I go to I do school conferences to teach

teachers about ADHD and and I talked about how shorts are

sorry charts are is negative reinforcement like the short

the way they do charts is negative reinforcement, or how

about These green yellow red right?

And then when you get to Yellow your that's it your yellow

the rest of the day or if you do something else now your

red and then of course that Reds going to go home and then

they don't even know why when you get when they get home

they were like, you don't know when it was they don't you

don't know what part of the day it was.

Like were they good part of the day was it just was it with

a that it just might misbehave at lunch like what happened?

And so we do a chart where we find out like the morning like

what subject that we have like a chart where they grade them

self every hour on.

Three behaviors and then they bring that home to earn some

kind of privilege.

It's pretty cool how that works because now they can check


themselves every so often in score themselves because that

helps them self monitor kids with ADHD.

Do not monitor themselves very well.

Do they do you understand what I'm saying?

And they think everything's great.

I'm all good.

Any homework?

No, it's all done.

Oh, that's amazing.

Do you have any homework?

No.

Okay.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Okay, so all-or-nothing rewards do not work.

So if somebody does get red we tell the schools they need

to earn that back.

Let them do a chore for the teacher.

How about the apologize and make it up to the teacher they

do a chore for them to get back to green How about if they

start at read every day all the kids in the class and they

have to greet three or four people with a compliment and

affirmation handshake high five.

Now we're building social skills in sixty percent of these

kids are behind socially and they start their day like And

every person they greet they go from red to green and they

earn their green and if you earn something do you take better


care of it?

Yes you do.

But then if they do go down guess what apologize and going

through my trash for me apologize clean my our chalkboard

apologize take this note to the teacher are the principal's

office for me and giving them opportunities to move because

we know these kids with ADHD need opportunities to what to

move. So all-or-nothing rewards don't work.

So if by Tuesday, they can't get it and that's the other

thing long-term rewards weekly Rewards.

Well, if you're good this week, you can play video games

on the weekend.

That's really hard.

That's tough to meet.

Isn't it?

It really hard because what if they blow it on Tuesday?

What if have a bad day Tuesday?

What's going to happen Wednesday, Thursday Friday?

They're going to have bad days screw you because I got nothing

to live for that's what they think.

They really do.

I got nothing.

I mean, I can't imagine I got to wait another weekend after

this weekend even have a chance and then by the next week,

they're like it's is impossible.

So they don't have a good Monday or Tuesday trying to reach

that goal because it's too far away.


So we have a daily goal that reached helps them Reach a weekly

goal requiring Perfection if it's got to be perfect if you

got to get a perfect score, so we have a behavior chart where

maybe the score is 70 points they can get for the day for

their behavior on those three behaviors.

Keep a raise your hand before you speak stay in your seat

and complete all your work all your class work.

Does that make sense to or turn in your work feet and you

grade yourself for every subject for spelling I grade myself

for centers for reading for math.

They grade them self every hour and the teacher of dis initials

each hour.

So they get multiple prompts and and feedback throughout

the day and then we know when there was a problem and if

they had a Album they can do apologize and make it up to

earn back a good put some extra points, right?

So that there the day we used that and they go.

Okay.

So you got 70 points is the max but you got you know, what

you got 55 points you get the maximum reward.

We only expect about 80% 80% of that goal.

We're not going to expect them to be perfect all day.

We might get my bonus for maybe an 85 or 90 percent score,

but we only expect about 80 and then we have 50.

So let's say it's 55 points.

You get all of your electronics 50 points you get - 10 minutes

48 you get - 20 minutes - 15 just but we make it a graduate


reward system instead of an all-or-nothing system.

All right.

So here we go lead the child to the solution.

Can I have more time on the computer?

Well, if you already have a time set, what do you say?

What time is it nine o'clock?

What time is computer time over nine o'clock some stupid.

Rule.

You have a great memory.

I'm so proud of you.

Now that really ask yourself.

Why are you laughing?

I mean that's that's funny.

But but did you say no did I say no?

No who said?

No, they didn't really say it.

But but they came to the no.

How do you like that?

You guys are like, well that's manipulating that's coercion.

Yes it is.

How did you hey, what do they have?

What how many teachers are in here you buddy teachers do

what do you have in kindergarten first and fifth grade?

I'm sorry kindergarten first grade.

We have what's called manipulatives manipulatives.

We started we've been manipulated our whole life.

Okay use questions and get them to say no, you must have


clear boundaries and rules for that to work though.

If you'd make that nine sometimes 913 of time 10 o'clock

another time man, you're in big trouble praise Todd wants

to give proper.

When behaviors are exhibited over anxious overly active overly

depressed or sad when behaviors are exhibited when they start

saying things like this, my life sucks.

I want to die want to end my life course if they say that

it's cool.

Now they're sent to a therapist or their Baker acted right

by the way guys.

Let me tell you something about that.

If there's if you can if you can work with any of your mental

health professionals and a psychologist, if you could find

a way to get them to write a letter to the school saying

please don't Baker act as kid, let them come down from temporary

insanity and then see if they're going to kill themself.


Is it I have never Baker Act?

I have never I've never Baker Act to the kid in 25 years

of doing this 26 now.

I've never baked erected a kid.

I've sent him to the hospital with their parents, but I don't

Baker Act him.

I haven't had to because most of the time if you give a kid

a choice to go in their parents car versus a cop, they'll

go with your parents.



And sometimes resource officers are awesome.

I had a really good one the other day that didn't Baker Act

the kid because they let the kid calm down and they could

have they didn't Baker Act him.

They let him calm down there like no.

I was just mad and then they come see me and we Okay, what's

the matter things you can say instead of I want to kill somebody

or I want to kill myself.

What's another way to deal with this?


So if you can have the school say look, I'll take him to

the hospital.

Let me take him if they do something in the you've got a

Baker Act and let me take him to the hospital because it's

so traumatic for these kids to have these kids already been

through enough, right even if they came into your home at

Birth. They've been through a lot their families have been

through a lot it in vitro.

They were through a lot.

Okay, so they have trouble so, you know as far as like when

you get help for these kids, you know, they're having trouble

focusing and they're having trouble in school where you know,

if they're having trouble when they don't get their way like

if it's like even young kids if they kept their what trying

to get there if they can't have their you know, whenever

it's reading time at school and they're bored and they're


just acting out that means that there's they're probably

having trouble with impulse control, right or maybe ADHD.

And of course we just talked about how many of these kids

are in.

System that actually had Parents with ADHD and their parents

lost their kids.

It's a lot of them.

Difficulty making and maintaining friends when you see that

60 percent of kids with ADHD.

Well, why why are they having trouble socially, well, they

just want to play what they want.

They want to talk about what they want.

They they are impulsive by you know, when their kindergarten

first second grade kids forgive you the next day but third

fourth grade they don't forget anymore, right the and all

of a sudden they kind of know what's cool and what's not

cool anymore.

And that's when you start to see the kids start to isolate.

It's not so much isolating is the kids.

Get into a friend group.

Here's a Cheerleader Kids.

The gymnast kids.

Here's the basketball kids.

Here's the soccer kids, right and if they're not doing any

of that stuff, they don't fit in at all.

And then you get isolated that way too.

But then they also get their parents will say, hey don't


hang out with that kid.

He keeps getting in trouble and they get isolated that way

too and then they get further and further behind socially.

So we need to teach them social skills before they have social

problems. That's the ideal and we that's why I have social

skills groups in our in our practice to help these guys.

When they were happy at one point and they're not happy.

They're grades are dropping.

Please get some help.

Okay.

So here's the chart I was telling you guys about so we have

three behaviors right homework in your planner kids name's

Antonio right homework and planner stay on task complete

your classwork teachers initials right here, three, they

get they get themself like Three's a smiley twos a flat and

zeros of frown.

Okay, so they can either use a flat face frown face or smiley

face or they just put the number in their grade themselves.

Here's math grammar reading history science.

That's a visual of what I told you about.

And this is also on the videos and also that we also give

you the you'll have a workbook with all these charts as well

in there.

They'll be an example and a blank once you can make your

own or you can just do it in Excel.

Okay, if they have this particular kid Antonio the maximum

points where I think you got 40 points, but the maximum points


looks like it's 45 and so we did 40 38 36 34 and he got a

30 minutes of creative time or iPad time 25, 20 or 15 based

upon how much She scored for the day pretty cool.

Right and guess what?

This is daily rewards.

We can have a weekly reward.

So guess what?

Here's our weekly reward sure you guys were thinking should

we do a Recon reward?

Is that too far away?

Well, if it is if you don't have something daily that you

got a daily reward for them to hit every day then we do a

graduate reward system for this.

So we're going to go to the movies.

We're going to the movies and if you have 75 points are going

to get a soda if you have a hundred going to get popcorn

and soda if you have 125 you get some candy along with your

paw. Popcorn and soda and you get maybe you get nachos made

if you had a great week like that.

You're gonna be like, yes, I'm buying nachos.

I'm buying it because I know that's a lot of money in the

movies, right but you're probably thinking I don't care.

I'll take out a loan because that was amazing man.

That was a great week.

Can you imagine right?

Wouldn't that be amazing?

I mean how many years does that add to your life if that


kid is that you get 250 points for the week.

That's a lot, right?

So this automatically calculates an Excel so you can make

the if you decide to do the formulas and I do this in my

office. It automatically has the formula.

So once you put that number and it determines this number,

okay, and then we have weakened points toward Electronics

time. So if Antonia was 16, he could have two hours a day

of electronics with a hundred fifty points, and now he gets

to use the points again.

He's at the point three times.

He uses them for the daily reward he gets to use them again.

It's not like you use them.

That's it.

They're gone.

No he gets to use them three times.

So he gets Electronics time determined by it or we could

say maybe we would do something different if maybe for the

weekend where he would earn it based on his checklist and

his chores at home on the weekend.

But we just give there's all these little extra things that

we can throw in there.

Right?

It could be Dave and Buster's it could be tokens.

It could be multiple tokens.

It can be going at the park.

It can be going fishing and and how much bait he's going


to get to have the fish and once the baits gone we're done.

So if you had a great week, we're going to fish all day.

We're going to fish half the day whatever.


Okay.

all right here is all this is fun this is called subcontracting

okay so you parents are going to be contractors if you do

this and basically what this is this is in the program to

its on the we give you guys a blank chart but basically we

have before school before dinner and before bed basically

the chore we have make your bed in each or that somebody

else can do for you sub contract for you with your sibling

okay oh by the way we put the money in a jar if there are

fifteen fifteen dollars if they're ten ten dollars and you

put the money in a jar some of the kids are like listening

okay Mom listen to this I see some kids listening Right.

So so you put the money in a jar and if there's two kids,

it's awesome because sibling rivalry can be used for good.

We turn them into subcontractors.

Okay, so in the morning, hey, man, if you're too busy to

make your bed.

Hey, it's okay.

Your sister will do it for you.

So no big deal.

You got five more minutes.

Basically what this family here.

They were going to leave at 8:30.


So by 820 everything had to be done.

And why why do we want it done 10 minutes before we leave

because we want to give time for The Sibling to do it.

So they have five minutes to do it if they don't so let's

say The Sibling once it 820.

We use the cable box clock we use it.

We use a family clock that everybody knows.

That's the clock we use.

It's not going to be your iPhone.

It's not going to be your watch.

It's going to be that clock when it when I think dings 820

you guys, you know, you guys can go look at your brother's

bed. See if he made it see if he lost left this towel on

the ground any of those things and you can pick it up for

him, but you can't do it without going through me the contractor.

So they go to the general contractor.

Hey, Mom.

Can I pick up his towels off the floor?

You know what?

Let me check with Jimmy.

That's really nice of you to offer.

Hey, Jimmy your sister would like to pick up your towel for

you. Well, I'm not going to pay her to pick up my tell.

Okay.

Well, how much time do you have to do it?

Remember we're going to get him to say what 825 stupid subcontractor

here, right?


Okay, so you got to 825 and if you do pick it up by 825 what

happens I have to pair a finder's fee.

Yep, consulting fee right up a little consulting fee.

Give them like maybe it's half right?

So maybe it's 50 cents to pick up each item, maybe because

he went and picked it up.

She just pays 25 cents for each item as a contractor as a

finder's fee.

Isn't that cool?

You like that by the way, the money goes into the jars.

It's all quarters that goes into the jars, right?

And at the end the week whatever is there on Friday is yours

and then Saturday morning you have another meeting and you

talk about what are we going to do next week?

Because maybe that money is used for Dave and Buster's.

Or maybe if they keep all of their allowance, we give them

tokens for Dave and Buster's right if you keep all your allowance,

we're going to give you a hundred tokens.

If you keep if you keep half your allowance, I'll give you

you know, half the tokens, right whatever.

You have a graduate award system based upon how much of their

allowance and by the way, if you'd like you can use your

own money, if you don't have enough money for tokens, you

can use your own money that's in your pocket from your subcontracting

to go buy some more tokens, but guess what if you all your

money and you do all your chores you're going to not have

to use your money at all I'll buy you the tokens for the


day for that for that two hours were there whatever does

that make sense does that sound like it would work Isn't

that cool it's kind of neat right it's a neat positive way

to deal with this so that's how that works so it's pretty

cool so they come let's say they don't make the bed let's

say they don't make the bed by eight twenty five then the

sibling has to make the bed she can't just get the finder's

fee at that point she would have to make the bed and then

she gets a dollar and he gets the dollar out gives it to

her And if he doesn't then you the now you're a broker.

Okay.

Now there's a broker fee.

Now you have to pay for my time.

I'll give you five minutes to think about it, but I'm going

to have to go over there take a dollar for me and a dollar

for your sister and put in your jar.

I'll give you five minutes to think about it.

Or you could say what's going to happen if I have to do it.

That's even better because now they deliver the bad news.

You're gonna pay a stupid broker fee.

This is so stupid.

Yeah.

I know you I could see why you think that you value them.

I can see why you think that you're just and here's something

to you know, you can also say, you know, I know you're really

busy, you know, you're so busy, but your sister she'll make

time for you.


So do this for you and by the way, they can't yell at their

sister for doing it because they're doing a service their

contractor subcontractor.

Do you like like do you like do you just throw the money

at a subcontractor like when the plumber comes?

Looks like a leak.

Do you just go take your stinking money?

And by the way, we teach the kids not to tattle either.

You're not tattling your at subcontractor.

Does the plumber come?

Oh my gosh this place, you know or the law if you have a

lawn guy does a long ago.

Oh my goodness.

This yard is a pigsty No, there's like here.

I'm going to climb.

Oh, you're Lon.

Okay, so I teach to teach the kids.

Look I don't get paid to make my own bed, but I can pay somebody

else to do it.

Sure, I don't you know, I don't get paid to mow my yard,

but I can pay somebody to do it.

I'll pay you half of what I would pay somebody I'll pay you

a fourth of what I would pay somebody if you want to do it

because you're part of the family.

So so it's a fun system.

It's a really fun system.

I call it subcontracting.


I came up with it a long time ago and it's just been a lot

of fun.

I remember this one.

Mom the first time we were one of the first times I did it

she came in the second week and she like she was like beaming

and I'm like, wow, you're really happy this week what happened?

Well those vitamins really helped but I'll tell you that

subcontract was awesome.

I go.

What do you mean you guess she goes listen all the tours

got done and I don't have to say a word he's broke, but I

don't care.

So that works.

It's pretty cool.

Okay homework at home.

So what do we do these kids with homework?

Well, they should not be doing homework in their room.

They should not be laying on their bed.

They should not even be on a desk in their room.

They should not be anywhere where you cannot see their screen.

So let's pretend this is their computer screen.

You need to be to see it from wherever they are.

They're working on their desk.

They're working on their computer, whatever you need to make

sure they're not tabbing to other things that you need to

see their screen and they need multiple prongs.

UPS while you're there.


They need a sound screen for the kids that are that are running

through the they need to be at the kitchen table or the breakfast

nook where their back is to you so you can see their screen

and you can see they're working and you can keep saying you're

doing a good job whenever they're going like this looking

around, you know.

Hey, you're doing a good job, isn't it?

Interesting instead of get back to work temporary insanity.

Now, they're mad now they're going to take a while to calm

down. I mean you guys have seen that they melt down 4 2013

Minutes and then there's like now it's going to take another

right and I have I was talking to a mom a couple days ago,

you know, it's just like happens like every every like 15

20 minutes.

It's a 20 to 30 minute meltdown doing homework and it takes

forever to get it done.

So we talked about triggers we talked about tone.

We talked about threats.

We talked about temporary insanity.

Okay, so parents need to be with the students.

Sometimes you have to be sitting right next to them while

they're doing the work that had one client a couple days

ago. Whenever they go to a are reading there are points in

the last two months.

The kid hasn't been doing it.

And the model is it's interesting to teach us been usually

communicating a lot.


But this one issue they didn't communicate and you know,

why because they make them read it independently.

There's nobody there prompting them or anything.

I don't have the teacher takes a break during that time.

Just lets the kids read but he's not reading he's getting

behind. So so that kid needs to be sitting near the teacher

preferential seating needs multiple prompts to get them to

read and he will read and he can read me can comprehend.

He just needs somebody to prompt him every so often use a

display board.

So like a science project board kind of looks like that without

anything on it though.

Those science project boards kind of make like a cubicle

right when they do FSA testing if you have if a kid has ADHD,

you can ask for them to give you one and they will okay to

help them with that visual stuff.

If we go back here noise cancellation headphones can help

FM noise cancellation breakup assignments into small tasks

what we do with this science project board is on the left

side of the project board is where we put the assignments

to be done on the right is the planner in the middle is the

sound screen and you can plug the the noise cancellation

headphones into the sound screen to sometimes where it's

just ocean noise.

Not music music is not good music slows them down music motivates

them. Bit more kind of helps them get going but it's very

distracting because they're either listening to the music


or they're doing their work.

They can't do both.

They can't multitask and then in the middle is their current

assignment they're working on and then when they're done

they get a five or ten minute break.

They put the assignment over there you get to check it and

have it ready have it all checked before they go on to the

next one so that you're not waiting until everything's done

and you're finding all these problems with all these assignments

and then they just have another meltdown because it's like

I got to start all over again.

And they get frustrated and for and throw their hands up

and give up.

So you want to kind of check things as you go.

It's kind of up is a pain, but that's why you want them close

to you what I'm near you not a home office unless you're

sitting next to him or in the same room with them where you

can check them multiple times a day Arthur during the there

in that time how many of us when were angry we are temporarily

insane we've talked about this when somebody starts yelling.

We lose our ability to logic and reasoning.

Okay, so I'm going to skip this part.

We already talked about this.

So here's what we're going to do with some buddies.

That we're going to Beckham you guys really want to vet them.

Don't you when they yeah, we're going to pick them was that

mean validation empathy choices validate empathy and then


choices validation empathy is on the right side of the brain.

Okay choices is logical when they come down.

Now we can talk about choices when they when you validate

them. They're going to say no, duh when you say I can see

you're upset.

Well, no, duh.

I'm going to roll their eyes instead of saying.

Oh no, you didn't you can say I can see why you're upset.

I can see you're upset.

Because you want to be on the computer to play on the computer

somewhere. You want to play more video games?

Yes, I do.

They say yes.

Now the emotions come down.

You think they're getting worse.

They're actually getting their venting.

They're getting out their frustration if you let them but

if they go, yes, don't you say yes like that to me.

No.

You see what I'm saying?

So when they go, yes, then you value to begin.

Yeah.

I know you love the Call of Duty.

I know you like this and you know you validate that the empathize

with them.

But what time is it?

It's time to brush my teeth and take a shower and go to bed.


Yes.

It is.

I'm sorry.

No, you're not.

I know why you think that but you know how much I love for

you to be in a play.

But what time is it what you know, really what's going on?

What time is it?

Maybe what I'll give you five minutes to make the right choice

and walk away.

And if they make the right decision awesome, if not, then

we'll do What's called the AMC plan right empathy.

I just kind of Illustrated that I got to get moving.

I'm sorry, you feel that way I can see why you feel that

way. I can see why you think that would work.

These are really good things to say when somebody is upset

how many of us husband's really could work on this to my

hands up.

Yeah, whoa, I'm going to validate that it would be nice.

Right so women are usually pretty good at that.

Okay, and let me say something really stupid Eve's right,

which we do a lot right do a lot.

You know, it's interesting.

There's a I think it was Gary Chapman marriage book and he

said that it's called relationship toolbox.

And it says that the and I read it.

I read it many years ago and it said that 85% of divorce


is the man's fault.

This is a guy that wrote the book Okay, so Hope so usually

it is US Yves.

That doesn't validate them.

Nice very well.

And I mean I get defensive.

I mean, I'm a guy I'm not I'm a therapist but doesn't mean

I can't be a guy right and so I messed up with that a lot

and even with my kids sometimes, you know, they'll hook me

too. I mean, it's that's you know, we're human.

We that's one of the things about humans is we make mistakes

we mess up we make mistakes and that's why it's really good

for us to apologize and to these to them as well.

Okay, so let me get moving here once They do calm down we

resolved with What's called the AMC plan?

Be careful not to recommend consequences for emotional response

already said that let them get their frustration out.

All right.

Okay.

It's I know it's really embarrassing right so that AMC plan

is really powerful.

I was talking to Melanie and she uses this principle, you

know, and so basically so on the V.

It's at a PC but a is apologize m is how can I make it up

to you and Miss make it up?

Let me make it up to you somehow.

How can I make it up and whatever you do to make it up you


do more than you did to do more than you need to lose it

to make it up.

So maybe it took me five seconds to curse you or push you

or shove you well, then I'll just apologize and do something

that takes me.

For 10 minutes then so then it takes me longer to make it

up. Does it make sense?

And this and we talked about how trust is the glue and relationship?

So this is all on this handout and in the workbook when you

get it, it actually has the like something that says Builder

break. So basically whenever somebody breaks trust you say

did that build trust or break trust and it says Builder break

and it's on the fridge and then you flip it over and on the

back is this right here apology make it up, you know, and

that's what's so cool about it.

Hey, when we break trust we can fix it rather than oh my

God. Gosh, you did that again.

How many times I have to keep telling you that what were

you thinking?

Well, by the way, if their ADHD were they thinking no, they

don't have that luxury.

Like we do so don't say what were you thinking?

Don't just say hey tell me what happened.

Tell me a little bit about that.

Right?

So this is a great way for them.

If you say you've got a four weeks you're grounded and you


realize you went over the top.

This is a great way to make that up.

Go apologize make it up and then you know what I'll give

you back your privileges.

What do you think?

What would you like to do?

You want four weeks with me or would you I'll do the chore

or they might be insane if they're upset.

I'm not doing it for you guys.

So then they just need some time how many of us need time

when were upset how many of us need coffee before you have

a conversation?

That's my wife this morning.

That's every morning actually.

Okay, so, okay.

All right.

Any questions, let's do some Q&A and then I need to get I

know we need to get going here because we're over on my time

a little bit.

But any questions well, gosh, I have a two year old and he

doesn't get what he wants.

He freaks out to I mean, it's really hard for them to verbalize

what they're thinking what they're feeling or in his case

may be what he's been through and so, you know, we usually

like to recommend Levy like a play therapist for they can

kind of play out their stuff play it out in the sand because

they just can't express how they feel.


So we have those in all of our offices.

We have a sand tray and figurines and things like that just

to kind of help them play out what whatever they lived through

whatever he went through the hell that they went through

that. I'm to you so that might be one thing to do there.

But in the course diet really is important to just making

sure you're cleaning up things that they get because that

can make it that can be a game-changer.

I had a kid up F's and do the vitamins and the diet and nothing

happened. And then then we took them out of gluten and dairy

and the teachers like what did you do?

Did you put them on meds, you know because Thursday and Friday

the day he started gluten-free.

He got it a he went from an f and that's class to Ace.

Okay, just by that the fog was Did fact I think Melanie would

say that about one of her son's that when they went off wheat

it was like the fog was lifted and he was able to focus and

then he graduated from UF, I think so.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yes.

Oh, would it be a be nice if they were stabilized before

putting your home is what you're saying that well, that's

not up to me.

That's actually the foster care system.

I wish I don't have that kind of power.

But I mean, that would be nice if they could be stabilized.


I mean sometimes when kids do get into a nice stable home.

They just kind of fall in line.

That's nice, isn't it?

It's refreshing and then there's the there's one or two that

don't you know that not more more than that.

I don't know what the numbers are.

But but yeah, I mean, they're just bringing in.

You know, I mean you guys are stepping in because that you

know, somebody else didn't do their job.

And so you're having to step in and you don't expect them

to just, you know, something, you know, my, you know, I know

some people that think that, you know, I'm providing you

this home and they take everything personally that these

kids do and I just want you to know, don't you?

You shouldn't take it personal.

This is not personal and then I have moms that say well,

how can you not take it personal?

Well, that's true.

We need to validate the moms for that in the dads and validate

their feelings.

But then also understand if you take it personal that's very

powerful that's powerful because now they can just push your

buttons and you'll take it personal and then they got you

they hooked you because misery loves company.

They don't want to be mad by themself.

That's crazy.

That's actually that's where we'll get put in an institution


if they're like bad over there by themselves and nobody's

there that's crazy that is it's really crazy it's not temporary

crazy that's crazy does that make sense OK OK let it be more

questions so on the new handouts on the new handouts we just

have liquid we have two bowls and we have the vitamins the

whole vitamins so you just kind of pick based upon their

age does that make sense like if they could do to a Bulls

game chewables so they are we have liquids so you have to

ask the the psychiatrist about it we do have psychiatrist

at understand the vitamins so we're able to work with them

so if you don't like that you can come if you want to consult

with us or something we can like help you with that okay

so yes any more questions yes that's right good answer trust

is the glue and release yeah that's right rocket so trust

is the glue and relationships everything we do builds our

brakes trust right so that's the handout that goes on your

fridge Everything and by the way, when they build trust hey,

when you did when you made your bed without me asking that

that build trust or break trust and the answer would be billed.

Yeah, man.

I'm going to say something when you do this for about two

to three weeks you want to keep doing it.

But when you do it for two or three weeks man, you want to

talk about how close you're going to be how much closer you

will be because that is the glue.

You don't trust these kids right?

But if you give them a way to build that trust back and by


the way, thank you for doing that chore for me.

I really feel like you rebuilt my trust.


So does that build trust or break trust?

This is all on the handout everything.

We do builds our breaks trust.

Right?

So you have apologized.

Ask him to say you know while you forgive me.

This is all on your handout and okay.

Here's the tears a log.

That's in the workbook that you guys are going to get that

for those of you that signed up for the shopping cart.

Right for the Defiance.

There's the log and has AMC first time you break trust you

apologize safe or nice things.

If you said something mean you say something nice.

If you do something mean you do something nice, but you just

do it just takes longer to do do something nice to rebuild

the trust and it did to do something mean right.

If you take something you give it back plus something of

equal value that makes it stop they'll stop taking the iPad.

They'll stop stealing things if they have to apologize and

make it up do chores and earn all that money to do it and

you handle that money and then they had it right back to

you. They'll stop guys.

Thank you so much for having me.


I really appreciate it.

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VEED-subtitles …centervideo.forest.usf.edu/video/jit/florida/... · 2020. 12. 1. · Well, I'm just like look, you gotta let the eye rolling go please just let that go. Let them