Understanding Marriage and

Family Dynamics

Chapter 3

Chapter OverviewI. Introductory “Quiz”II. Thought for the WeekIII. Types of Control TalkIV. Critical ThinkingV. Homework

I. Introductory “Quiz”

1. Most family professionals use an “eclectic” approach to

counseling (ideas and principles from several conceptual

frameworks) to help them understand marriage and family

life. True

2. What a family members choose to do is their own business and is not the concern of the family, especially if they

are an adult.

False

3. No matter how hard one might try, one simply cannot not communicate.

True

4. The ability to change is an asset when families are under stress.

True

5. When you’re feeling down, the last person you want around is a happy

one.

False (see p. 78)

6. People who seem to thrive by focusing on the negative and feeding off the self-esteem and good feelings

of others are known as “energy vampires.”

True

7. Put-downs and sarcasm are a way of teasing and are part of family fun

and can express love.

False (seep. 79)

8. The amount of time one spends with family is not as important as the quality of time that is spent with the

family.

False

9. “Spirituality” is extraneous to a family’s well-being.

False

10. Strong families are not as crisis-prone as dysfunctional families.

True

11. Most families function primarily to maintain the status quo.

True

II. Thought for the Week:

Men…, if you are guilty of demeaning behavior toward your wife, if you are

prone to dictate and exercise authority over her, if you are selfish and brutal in your actions in the home, then stop it!

(Continued next slide)

To you wives who are constantly complaining and see only the dark side of life, and feel that you are unloved and unwanted, look into your own hearts and minds. If there is something

wrong, turn about….You deny yourselves happiness and court misery if you constantly complain and do nothing to rectify your own

faults.G.H. Hinkley, 1984

A. Yelling, bullying, aggressing, threatening

B. Whining, crying, blaming, C. Demanding, accusing D. Using sarcasmE. Arguing, naggingF. Self-deprecating, guilt loading,G. Using other forms of manipulation,

such as “Game Playing”

III. Types of Control Talk

• 1. CORNER (AKA Double-bind): Placing others in a situation where anything they do is wrong, backing them into a corner; "damned if you do and damned if you don't."

• Ex: Husband badgers wife to give parties for his co-workers. Afterward, he is critical of her efforts. "You served the wrong food - didn't you know that my boss was a vegetarian? Why did you use the good China at a bar-b-que?

• Example: Mother complains about her teen’s messy room. When the teen clean it, Mom says, "What took you so long?" or "The closet is still a mess."

• Note: Continual use may cause serious emotional disturbances to the child or spouse.

• 2. WE SHOULD DO THIS FOR YOU: The person desires to do or have something, & tries to reach this goal by making it seem that the other person needs to have or do it.

• Ex: wife feels too tired to go to in-laws‘ home for dinner. "Honey, let’s skip dinner with your folks tonight. Don't you think you need to stay home and study?"

• She masks her true reason for not visiting her in-laws. • Possible causes:

– Fear that the reason for one’s request will be rejected – Avoidance of responsibility – Meeting the needs of the parents vicariously through

children’s accomplishments.

• 3. SWEETHEART : one person indirectly ridicules the other in public, so that no one else is aware of it.

• Purpose: make victims feel bad about themselves, which makes the manipulator feel superior.

• Ex: At a social event, a husband who resents wife's higher income, tells a story about a career woman so busy with work that she neglects her children. He comments on how bad child neglect is, then asks his wife, "Don't you agree, sweetheart?"

• Because he is talking about “someone else” and it is an extreme case, the wife has to agree. If she confronts him in private, he may say, "But sweetheart, I wasn't talking about you," or "If you feel the story applies to you, perhaps you should do something about it."

• 4. IT'S YOUR DECISION: Although concerned about the outcome of a decision, game players let the other decide, saying, "It makes no difference to me." "Whatever you would like to do is fine," or "You know so much more about this than I do, you decide."

• Purpose: to escape the responsibility of making decisions and their decisions’ consequences.

• Ex: husband wants to stay home, but wife wants to see a play. Husband asks wife to decide. If the play is bad, he can blame the wife

• Parents use this on each other over parenting concerns.

• 5. COURTROOM: (Note: Must be played with third party.) One spouse, the plaintiff, accuses the other of wrongdoing. The other, the defendant, insists on innocence, justifies the behavior, and/or counters with accusations. Each partner wants the judge (the third party) approval.

• Communication is directed toward the judge, not the spouses, preventing mutual understanding and solution.

• Purpose: proving who is right and who is wrong, not solving difficulties.

• 6. MARTYR: person appears to be mistreated or greatly sacrificing for the other. People playing martyr often talk about how they are sacrificing or about their unfortunate lot in life. Usually game players deliberately make sacrifices to play martyr.

• Ex: Hard-working female executive does not miss opportunities to remind her family of how hard she works, and its effects on her health.

• Purpose: Power due to others thinking they have given up so much for others.

• Payoff: gain admiration & sympathy, or to make others feel guilty.

• 7.Yes, BUT (a game of one-up-manship):• Ex:

Husband: I have a problem. It's getting late and I need to get these leaves raked up before it rains. Wife: Could the kids help? Husband: Yes, but they goof off more than they work. Wife: Well, could I help? Husband: Yes, but then dinner will be late and I hate to eat late.

• Purpose: to gain competitive satisfaction at the other’s expense by discrediting every suggestion made.

• 8. WOODEN LEG: the game player asks, "What do you expect of a wooden leg?" The "wooden leg" may be a personality deficiency, a physical handicap, or an unstable past.

• Purpose: to gain sympathy and an excuse for failing to become responsible or independent.

• Ex: the parent asks, "How do you expect me to be patient with kids? I have a short temper."

• Ex: a person who drinks too much asks, "What do you expect from someone whose parents were heavy drinkers?"

• 9. CRAZY MAKING: a variety of maneuvers causing partners to doubt their sanity or to send them "up the wall."

• Ex: Denying feelings the partner can clearly see ("If you don't know what's wrong, what's the use in telling you?").

• Ex: Denying a mutual agreement or insisting on adherence to exact wording. ("I never agreed to go out of town THIS weekend.")

• Ex: Building up hopes and shattering them without an acceptable reason. (After hinting they will go out, a partner says "Why are you all dressed up? Where are you going? I've changed my mind - don't nag about it.")

• Attributing vicious motives to another ("Where did you hide my socks?" "You forgot to make reservations on purpose!”)

• Ignoring the other person's wishes. Ex: Being habitually late; continuing an annoying mannerism after being asked to stop; not picking up belongings or dirty clothes.

• Seeing a hidden psychological significance in every action. "People who choose cats for pets are introverted." "Your body language tells me that you're sexually repressed."

• Purpose: to gain power over the victim.

• For more information, See text p. 271-277

• See “Games People Play” (http://web.txwes.edu/sociology/horsfall/extra1.html)

IV. Critical ThinkingTell how the material presented so far relates to you. What games are played in your little world? How might you better resolve the games? (2 pt.)

V. HomeworkThe Couple and Family Map