Uncommon Wisdom From The Other Side

7/29/2019 Uncommon Wisdom From The Other Side

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Uncommon Wisdom From the Other Side

A Senior Pastor Talks Youth Ministry

2013 Tony Myles

group.com

simplyyouthministry.com

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in

any manner whatsoever without prior written permission from

the publisher, except where noted in the text and in the case of

brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For

information, visit group.com/customer-support/permissions.

Credits

Author: Tony MylesExecutive Developer: Jason Ostrander

Chief Creative Ofcer: Joani Schultz

Editor: Rob Cunningham

Cover Art and Production: Veronica Preston

Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the Holy Bible,

New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984,

2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights

reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and NewInternational Version are trademarks registered in the United

States Patent and Trademark Ofce by Biblica, Inc.

Scripture quotations marked (ESV) are from The Holy Bible,

English Standard Version (ESV), copyright 2001 by

Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by

permission. All rights reserved.

ISBN 978-1-4707-0458-2

Printed in the U.S.A.


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CONTENTS

Acknowledgements .......................................................... 1

A Handshake .................................................................. 3

An Ugly Introduction ......................................................... 6

A Beautiful Introduction ................................................. 11

Before You Move On ................................................... 15

SECTION ONE: UNCOMMON PERSONAL CHARACTER .... 17

What I Wantand What I Really Want ............................. 23

PrayerBecause It Always Comes First (Allegedly) ........... 31

Why You Need to Quit Your Job Right Now .................... 41

Ear Pollution ................................................................. 49

Authority, Credibility, and the Temptation to Fake Both ...... 57


SECTION TWO: UNCOMMON CHURCH STUFF ................ 65

Casting a Contagious Vision ........................................... 69BRAP: A Checklist for Your Checklists ............................. 77

The Assist .................................................................... 85

Feed Up or Fed Up ......................................................... 93


SECTION THREE: UNCOMMON MINISTRY STUFF ......... 103

Pregnant Guys and Topless Girls .................................. 109

From Life-Change to Life Changers ................................ 115

This Is How We Do It ................................................... 123

The 50/100/200 Principle .......................................... 131

Before You Move On ................................................. 138

Another Handshake .................................................... 141

Endnotes .................................................................... 146


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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I was 16 years old the night I rst walked into a student

ministry. A month later, I took ownership of my faith

in Jesus Christ. To thank any one person responsible

for that would be to miss a thousand, and so I humbly

thank anyone who has ever been a part of the student

ministry of Willow Creek Community Church.

Im equally thankful to every congregation Ive everministered in (including the ones that gave me more

heartache than happiness). You allowed me to serve

God and undergo some growing pains. I continue to

pray for your growing pains, too.

Wise mentors have helped me navigate it all,

especially Dan Webster, Bo Boshers, Larry Mitchell,Bud Bence, and Mike Yaconelli. Youre indirectly

present in this book, as are many ministry peers

I admire and am grateful to knowespecially my

amazing friends at Group Publishing and Simply

Youth Ministry.

Thanks also to Connection Church for asking meto be your lead pastor. You are the kind of rag-tag

community of Christ-followers Ive always dreamed of

nding. BE the church.

My favorite people are the ones I get to call my family.

You keep me laughing and in awe of God, and I

simply dont deserve your love. Joshua, Daniel, and

Johannayou are world changers who rock my world


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every day. Katieyou are my bride, and my one true

love. Only you and God know the full story behind

every short story I share, and I think weve kept each

other sane following the Lord.

None of this would be possible without Jesus, for

whom there are no words to adequately thank for

saving me and giving me new life. What I offer is all of

who I am, for all of who you are.

so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom,

but on Gods power (1 Corinthians 2:5).


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A HANDSHAKEHi, my name is Tony.

I used to be a professional youth worker able to doyouth ministry in my sleep.

(I actually said that out loud once.)

God woke me up one day and I quit snoozing in my

own arrogance. Occasionally I still get this wrong,

but Ive realized a truth attributed to Will Rogers:Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.1

We all have strengths, but we also have gaps. Some

of my hardest growing pains in ministry occurred when

another person explained how I dropped the ball with

something I shouldve known or handled better. Thats

given me some hindsight that can help your foresight,but not because Im an expert behind a desk.

I still have skin in the game as a lead pastor, volunteer

youth worker, and dad of a youth group kid. I regularly

come alongside students on road trips, camps, small

groups, and events so they know theres a church

family beyond their youth group who loves them.

Ill at times give up preaching on the weekend so I can

serve a shift teaching youth.

I know that what Im describing isnt common in a lot

of churches.


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Then again, thats why the title of this book is what it

isinstead of recycling whats common, well reclaim

whats uncommon. Lets start with a handshake, as Im

a real guy who is trying to gure out as much as you

are about what it means to serve God and students. I

came to Jesus Christ as a teenager, and have always

felt like Im playing catch-up to everything I shouldve

known about God and church but didnt. Most days

I still feel like Im that ignorant kidits why Ive often

struggled with feeling like I needed to prove myself.

This book is thematically retroactive for me, meaning

its full of things I wish I couldve told myself years

ago. Much of what well be covering will give you

the chance to change the typical youth ministry

conversation happening at large and in your church.

Its not my hope to critique the conventional thinkingthat has gotten us where we are, but to instead offer

you an equally awed alternative.

You may need to reread that last sentence.

Youll also want to note that I structured this book

with a handful of character issues upfront. Wellget to some nuts-and-bolts takeaways later, but

dont overlook the initial sections and skip to the

programming insights. Honestly, if you dont deal with

who you are, youll just become another dog and pony

show youth worker.

Youre capable of more than that.


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Read this with others as you can, and keep a Bible

handy. Well process through the life of a guy named

Nehemiah and hear wisdom from fellow youth workers

who are on the same journey youre on. Double-check

every thought against Gods thoughts.

Make no mistake, this is important. Judges 2:10

reveals that were always one generation away

from becoming a godless culture: After that whole

generation had been gathered to their ancestors,another generation grew up who knew neither the Lord

nor what he had done for Israel.

Thats why Im as passionate about students today

as I was when I served for two decades exclusively

as a youth pastor. Gods placed me in medium-sized

congregations, suburban megachurches, tiny ruralcommunities, and urban areas. Ive done this with

churches, nonprots, schools, and community centers.

In all of that, the Lords enlarged my calling today to

help the church have a healthier future, which includes

caring about what youre sorting through. Email me

anytime so we can chat: [email protected].

Nowlets get this party started.


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AN UGLY INTRODUCTION

Thank you for signing up to reach the next generation.

Your heart will gain scars.

Youll be misled by others.

Close friends will seemingly abandon you.

The resources may run out.

You may fake your faith some days for the sake of

others.

Simple things Christians say will annoy you.

The church you serve may appear two-dimensional in

your three-dimensional stress.

Students will let you down.

You will disciple at least one Judas.

People will say all kinds of unkind things about you

and your family.


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And it is the best possible way to live.

It would be easier to start things out by patting you

on the back, but you need to know what youre being

patted into.

The reason its called ministry is because someone

is needed to minister. That implies a gap exists that

needs lling. You may occasionally get applause fordoing this, but if youre looking for applause you have

things backward.

Trouble will hit.

Relational blood will be spilled.

People you expect to be medics will at times be

holding the knife.

And youll at times be one of the guilty parties.

If you can see this for what it is and enter the chaos

glued to Jesus, youll unearth questions about church

and ministry you didnt realize existed. Youll also see

some things about God youd like to change, such as

how he gets to call the shots on good days and bad

days. Youll later treasure these things because when

you arent able to answer the what happens next

question, youll start focusing on the who can I love

who is in front of me now question.


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Thats the question that really matters more, anyway.

Its going to be ugly. Anytime something full of life is

born, there is a big, bloody mess.

Why do we forget this and whine about it when it

happens?

Then againperhaps you feel OK with ministry today

and are nodding, assuming youre ready for whatever

comes next.

Will you keep nodding when your spouse is about to

experience a nervous breakdown because of your

calling? How about when your own walk with God

feels drier than its ever been and you have anothermessage to deliver? What will you do when the bliss of

working inside the four walls of a church starts to feel

like solitary connement?

Such hardships may not dominate, but there will likely

be seasons when everything seems crazy and Jesus

will need you to help redeem even the redeemed.

This is where what you preach nally gets owned.

This is where your faith moves from practical ideas

about living to oxygen for your suffocation.

This is where you take on Satan, not out of adrenaline

but out of Jesus.


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Consider this line from C.S. Lewis book The

Screwtape Letterswhere one demon counsels another

on wearing down a man who has given himself to their

enemy, God:

Our cause is never more in danger than when a

human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our

Enemys will, looks round upon a universe from which

every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks

why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.

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Its not my aim to destroy your faith but to ground it

in the Lord before it gets destroyed. Ministry will give

you every circumstance to abandon what youre doing

because theres always a seemingly nicer job at a

store or restaurant down the street where you can

clock in and clock out.

Then again, perhaps you werent made to clock in and

clock out.

Maybe (just maybe) you will deny yourself, carry your

cross, follow Jesus, and experience a resurrection in

this generation.

(Note the order of that sentence.)

Doing that will unearth more of God than you feel

prepared for, which in turn will make you run off

screaming or surrendered on your own cross becauseyou nally see students like he does.


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Because youth ministry is ugly.

Welcome to a book flled with uncommon wisdom.


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A BEAUTIFUL INTRODUCTION

Thank you for signing up to reach the next generation.

You will have good days in ministry.

Amazing days, in fact.

Your insides will illuminate when teenagers havelightbulb moments because youre shining Christ into

them. Youll experience breakthroughs from time to

time that make you feel as if you just won a major

sports championship. Youll have such spontaneous

joy that youll be tempted to break out into song, like

some kind of ministry musical.

Keep in mind that these days of celebration will be as

common as and as rare as they are in the Bible.

Chew on that a moment.

A mentor of mine pointed out Jesus said one out

of four seed-planting efforts may end up producing

anything good.3

One out of four.

Factor in that you may on this side of heaven only

sense a 10th of that as it happens.


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Yet down the road a future young adult may tell you

how when you sat next to them at a church lock-in

and learned their story, you helped God change their

world. For all you know, thats itand thats enough.

Then again, maybe itll become contagious in their

generation and the next:

P.T.

Im here because of you. Im watching sixty

teenagers cannonball, dive, and belly smack

into a pool at 10 oclock at night. Yes, because

of you, Im a youth pastor and district youth

president mixing with teens, parents, and other

pastors by co-directing a family camp. Everythingthat could possibly be associated with here

for me right now has its derivative in you: My

wife, church, ministry, and faith all stem from the

common root of my pastor, P.T.

So many of my breakthrough moments with

Jesus occurred because of your wisdom andwit. You taught me about the difference between

dating the worlds way versus relationships Gods

way; you helped me ponder what Jesus will rst

say to us in heaven; and Ill never forget the

inchworm climbing up a tent on a youth trip when

from behind me you stated in a Napoleon-esque

voice, I shall take the castle by force! Youve

inuenced my life through specic moments, as


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well as your consistent lifestylefrom what you

wrote, prayed, said, and chose not to say even

when I was being a punk. Ive been changed by

your integrity, passion, and unconditional love, in

all the times both obvious and secret.

Its only now, as a pastor myself, do I realize

what it takes to make those specic moments

occur.

There are one hundred different directions you

were being pulledone thousand reasons you

shouldve been too fatigued. That didnt stop

you from making a message relevant to us,

being personal with me on a car ride, or leaving

the note that launched me into ministry with no

looking back.

There is also no way I couldve known what it

takes to walk a consistent life of integrity until

now. Last year a close friend of mine buckled

under temptation. That could easily be any one

of us who leaves a hole in his or her armor or

pridefully skips a meeting with an accountabilitypartner. You couldve absolutely destroyed my

trust in the Lord and his church. Instead, I was

able to grow into enough maturity that even when

I now see saints fall, I hold fast to the Savior, and

his call.

Thank you, Pastor Tony. There are over fty

churches inuenced by the ministry the Lord


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has called me to. If any fruit comes of this by the

Spirit, its because Im available to the Lord by

the ministry you poured out to me. Ive struggled

all my life to believe I was worth much. You

taught me the Word of God promises Im made

in his image, and you treated me according that

promise. Who knows the amount of fruit youll

one day rejoice over with your Best Friend,

because you humbled yourself?

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Pastor Tony

Myles, for what you have done, but mostly for

being who you are.

Pastor Brian Scramlin

Brian wrote this to me in his mid-20swhich meansI had to see the future potential for that letter when

he was a teenager. Its why Hebrews 11:1 says faith

is the evidence of things still unseen. You join God in

working possibilities in impossible situations.

Will they see what you see?

Students are worth it.

Church is worth it.

Jesus is worth it.

Because youth ministry is beautiful.

Welcome to a book flled with uncommon wisdom.


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BEFORE YOU MOVE ON

Whether youve been in youth ministry for a day orfor decades, youve learned something. Maybe its

about how the way you used to do something was less

productive or life-giving than you thought it would be.

Perhaps youd give yourself a good talking-to about

your attitude or how you let ministry take the place of

your own journey with God.

If you could send a message back in time to yourself

right before you agreed to get into this, what would

you say?

What hard, ugly wisdom would you offer yourself to

prepare for what you might face?

What inspiring, beautiful concepts could you use to

cast vision for why its all worth it?


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SECTION ONE:

UNCOMMON

PERSONAL

CHARACTER

I was cupbearer to the king

(Nehemiah 1:11).


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The book of Nehemiah introduces us to a guy named

Nehemiah (now thats some amazing marketing). He

was a cupbearer to the king and tasted the best

drinks in the land to see if they were poisoned.4 This

was a great gig for anyone, let alone a Jew whose

people spent more than a century exiled in a foreign

land. Nehemiah literally consumed what was prepared

for the most powerful and important man in the

kingdom.

Imagine working as a taste-tester at the only buffet in a

third-world country.

Around this time, the king decreed the Jews could

start returning to their homeland. An initial wave of

50,000 people took him up on it to start rebuilding their

temple. It seemed like everyone would want to leave,but not everyone did.

Nehemiah stayed.

Maybe it was because he was blessed with a secure

job in a challenging economy. Why in the world would

you want to quit that to head back to an old landfull of broken buildings in the middle of the desert?

Then again, his reason for staying may have been

something more profound and spiritual.

Honestly, we dont know why Nehemiah stayed put

we just know that he did.


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Then one day Nehemiah got word that the walls of

Jerusalem were in shambles: When I heard these

things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned

and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven

(Nehemiah 1:4).

Which is right about the moment that God unraveled

everything he knew.

A NEW JOB DESCRIPTIONYoure no longer the youth pastor of the church.

This is what my senior pastor told me in a meeting I

didnt see coming.

Which is right about the moment that God unraveled

everything I knew.

Apparently, I was being moved into a different role and

being given a new job description. In reality, my pastor

was incrementally ring me by moving me out of my

youth pastor role to make me a creative arts pastoranew role he budgeted to last for four months.

It felt like church politics disguised as compassion.

Maybe this way the church wouldnt complain if he

spontaneously let me go.

I wanted to quit on the spot.


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The only problem is that God had called me to that

churchand God hadnt released me. I could pretend

he had and say, This is tough, so the Lord must be

calling me away from here.

It wouldve been a lie.

A creative arts pastor. No offense to that role, but while

I could make clever videos, I showed up to serve as a

youth pastor that day. Those kids need me, I thought.

What will they do without me?

My pastor asked if I was going to take the job. I told

him I needed to go home and talk with my wife. So I

didI sat down with my family and ate an intentionally

slow lunch until nally sharing the news, including how

I had discerned I wasnt yet released from the church.

My wife nodded her head, but her faith began to sift,

and would continue to siftas would mine.

I drove back to the church building in a daze, and even

got a ticket on the way, but I took the jobnot because

I had a mortgage, but because following Jesus means

following Jesus.

The next day I began a routine outside of the church

building that Id repeat each day that followed. Id

pause, breathe, and then say, Tony, youre no longer

the youth pastor of the church. If teenagers come by

today, redirect them to their new youth pastor. You are

this churchs creative arts pastordeny yourself, carryyour cross, and serve the Lord.


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Pause. Breathe. Serve.

That discipline helped me give my best, which

stretched the four months into nine months. Eventually,the job ran out, and I continued into a raw season of

life that suffocated my faith and family. I remember

feeling emasculated after moving in with my in-laws

and working four part-time jobs to provide some type

of income. My wife took a job at a restaurant, and

one day even had to serve the wife of the very seniorpastor who red me.

I got angry with God, grew jaded about churches, and

wrote blog posts as therapy.

The Lord seemed to respond by pouring salt on my

open wound. I was offered several church roles I could

have easily settled for. One was even my dream job,

only when the offer came I found myself wrestling with

vague whispers from the Holy Spirit that said God had

a different dream for me.

When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For

some days I mourned and fasted and prayed beforethe God of heaven.

And in the vacuum of it all, I reread how Jesus trusted

his church into the hands of imperfect people.

If he has that kind of faith in it, how could I not?

Especially since Hebrews 11 describes Christians who


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were torturedfaced jeers and ogging, and even

chains and imprisonment. They were put to death

by stoning; they were sawed in two; they were killed

by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and

goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreatedthe

world was not worthy of them (Hebrews 11:35-38).

One day in heaven those martyrs will ask us what kind

of persecution we faced. People who were sawed in

two will listen as we reply, Yeah, my senior pastorwas mean and insecure. Someone who lost their

child for Christ will hear us say, I didnt get a youth

budget. People gossiped about my family. Someone

else got my ofce. They said Id get this one thing in

my contract, but they never gave it to me. A key leader

or elder lied to me, and I can handle anything except a

lie.

I dont know what you face, but I know from personal

experience that at some point everything you know will

unravel. Perhaps it will be professionally, or maybe it

will come at you emotionally, physically, spiritually, or

relationally. Youll feel like youre literally unlearning

everything youre sure of.

The good news? This is right about when the King

leans over and says, What is it you want?


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Ever wish your ministry hindsight could be your foresight? Sometimes you dont

know whats about to happen nextor how to prepare for it. Other times you can

almost glimpse the lessons youre about to learn the hard way before they happen,

like youre peering through the tiny panels of a fence. You can barely make out what

you see, but you know something important lives on the other side.

What if someone was on that side of the fence? What if it was a senior pastor who

truly understands what you face as a youth workerand who not only understands,

but wants to offer wisdom to help you in your journey?

Tony Myles speaks from a unique perspective: a former youth pastor who remains

deeply engaged in his churchs ministry to teenagers. He still has skin in the game

as a lead pastor, volunteer youth worker, and dad of a youth group kid. He regularly

interacts with students and sometimes even gives up preaching on the weekend so

he can teach youth.

Instead of recycling whats common, this book reclaims things that are

uncommonthought-provoking questions, risky challenges, and uncomfortable

ideas about personal character, church life, and youth ministry. And youll process all

of this through the life of Nehemiahwith extra insights from youth workers who

are on the same path youre traveling.

Uncommon Wisdom From the Other Sidewill give you the chance to change the

typical youth ministry conversation happening at large and in your churchall withthe goal of remaining glued to Jesus and reaching a generation of young people.

ISBN 124032pod

ISBN 978-1-4707-0458-2

Tony Myles is the lead pastor of

Connection Church, an incredible move of

God in Medina, Ohio. With over 20 years

of experience and advanced education

in youth ministry, he is also a volunteer

youth worker in his church, national ministry coach, book author,

and columnist for a Cleveland-area newspaper. Mostly, Tony is a

messy Christ-follower with an overowing love for God; for

his amazing wife, Katie; for their two awesome boys and one

beautiful girl; and for the church in all its imperfect, redemptive

beauty. Follow him on Twitter: @tonymyles.

tony myles

Everyday Youth Ministryresources

are also available as digital ebookseveryday.simplyyouthministry.com

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Uncommon Wisdom From The Other Side